Those Taiwanese animations were all fun and games when they were about idiot Teabaggers and Sarah Palin being a fat teen-aged stripper or whatever. But now that the New York Times has suggested that Washington “pay off” its debt to China by letting China invade and take over Taiwan, well now the videos have a bit more bite.

It is kind of funny/terribly depressing that America’s total disdain for democracy is now so blatant that the Paper of Record can propose that Washington trade “the only democracy in the Chinese-speaking world” for a 10% reduction in America’s outstanding Treasury bonds. It’s also funny/terribly depressing that the subtitles here so perfectly describe how Amoral America could “give a rat’s ass about the moral implications” of trading the security of a democratic nation to a totalitarian communist superpower just to cut the national debt.

Taiwan is already slowly and quietly integrating with China, and it’s increasingly difficult to see the difference between these two industrialized governments of Chinese people. But to see a “former Marine” and policy wonk suggest such a craven abandonment of a half-century-old policy in the New York Times op-ed section is interesting, because these things aren’t “suggested” in the mainstream press until they’re accepted in the Halls of Power. The few other remaining American protectorates in the world must be extremely nervous right about now. []

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  • nounverb911

    Such a deal. Who else can we sell out?

    • I shall beat you someday!

      • Not beat you with a stick or anything like that. Beat you posting. I just wanted to clear that up so you wouldn't think I was mean.

    • HistoriCat

      We've already sold out the troops, the environment, our values …

    • actor212

      I'd offer Texas

      • Terry

        Again, who would take them? Do you hate Mexico that much?

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, if "selling out" means "leaving alone", I bet there are a lot of people in Afghanistan and Iraq who'd want a piece of that "getting sold out" action. And I expect that whatever resistance and pro-democracy movements there are in Iran right now are terrified that a President Romney might publicly announce that he was going to support them to the hilt and not sell them out.

    • pinkocommi

      Let's sell out Palestine AND Israel, just to show that we are equal opportunity seller-outers.

    • All of them, Katie?

    • GOPCrusher

      There's our proud ally, North Korea.

  • All I know about Taiwan is that it is illegal to chew gum and pet a cat backwards.

    • SexySmurf

      Why is it illegal to pet a cat backwards; does it make the meat less tender?

      • Stop talking like that!

      • Numbat_Dundee

        No, you misread. It's illegal to pat a cat backwards while chewing gum. No doubt it's a feng shui thing.

        • If I pet my cat backwards it bites me.

          • datateday

            And you can't spit gum in it's face to defend yourself, so what gives???

    • I think that's Singapore!

      • McRibzgood

        China, Singapore, what does it matter? They aren't american!

        • Exactly. Seen ONE goddamn, nonwhite furrner, ya seen 'em all.

      • Depends on whether you live in the Housing Development Board estates.

        • Or if you work for one of the Multinationals that their government is in bed with.

          • Oh, no, you can still pet cats backwards even then. 'Course, the cats won't like it much.

    • flamingpdog

      At the same time? Is that possible?

    • HedonismBot

      At the same time?
      BTW, cats don't like being petted backwards. Even though it's legal to do so, the laws of nature will punish you with a claw in the eyeball.

  • BornInATrailer

    please let Mexico take back Tejas
    please let Mexico take back Tejas

    • flamingpdog

      Why do you hate Mexico?

    • And if you act NOW you'll also get Arizona!

    • iburl

      The "Republic of Texas" that Texas took from Mexico encompassed parts of New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and Wyoming too, so that's like a bonus right there.

  • nounverb911

    Cartoon Obama in chains must give the GOP a Marcus Bachmannn grade hard-on.

    • Ruhe

      Well it probably gives Marcus a good one.

    • Nostrildamus

      I didn't realize Marcus was grading hard-ons. Next time I've got a woody I'll think of him looking at me dourly over the top of his glasses and making little red marks in his grade book.

      • As long as he's not making little red marks on your dick, you should be fine.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is a totally ridiculous suggestion. I say we shouldn't let Taiwan go for less than 50% of our debt plus a requirement that China rename "General Tso's Chicken" to "General Pershing's Chicken" and all the counterfeit DVDs we can carry.

  • Hell, I'd trade Texas for a 10% reduction in Treasury Bonds. I'd throw Arizona and South Carolina in to sweeten the deal.

    • Callyson

      I think most of the world would ask for at least a 10% increase in T – bonds in exchange.

    • I'd trade Texas for a wooden nickel and three penny-shaped scabs. Or a new onion for my belt.

      • iburl

        Roky Erickson

        • He can be included in the Austin Airlift once the rest of the nation secedes from Tejas.

          • iburl

            That's fair.

  • flamingpdog

    I've been reading Wonkette posts and comments for an hour now, and find myself thoroughly depressed. Is it too early to go out and Taiwan on?

    • nounverb911

      Never, it's always 4pm somewhere.

    • DaRooster

      Just don't blame Obama for how you feel tomorrow… blame Reaganomics.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        You have to be careful with this. If you go out and get drunk with friends, that is Socialism, and Obama's fault. If you get drunk alone, that is bootstrap Conservative Individualism, and you can then blame Regan or Ayn Rand.

        • DaRooster

          So I will be blaming Reagan…
          However it is by choice that I drink alone… Mainly because my friends think they can keep up but they just become obnoxious…
          I will get to have a drink with Mrs. DaRooster… NO TEQUILA though!! Then we both become too obnoxious. It was part of our vows… no tequila. The 2 times we broke up… tequila.

  • poncho_pilot

    no more than ten to twenty million killed tops. depending on the breaks.

    • Chichikovovich

      Now we're not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed….

      • flamingpdog

        Romney debate performance LIBEL!!!1!

        • poncho_pilot

          he's gonna see the big board!

          • Perhaps it would be better if you were more concerned with the American people than your image in the history books.

  • memzilla

    Auctioning off our treaty commitments. Great idea!

    What could possibly go wrong?

    [I'm sure my uncle, killed at Frozen Chosin, whose only remains is a dog tag dented by a Chinese Type 50 burp gun — do you know how hard it is to dent a dog tag? — would heartily approve.]

    • Guppy

      We have a treaty commitment to schizophrenia, or have you forgotten our "One China Policy?"

  • YouBetcha

    This would be much more effective propaganda if it was in the form of porn.

  • rambone

    Never! We're Americans, dammit. We spend a trillion dollars before declaring defeat.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      [W]e’re American. We don’t quit just because we’re wrong! We just keep doing the wrong thing until it comes out right!

      –Ed Wuncler, Sr.

    • Walkinwiddaking

      "Peace with honor" or "mission accomplished" , not defeat. Stop being such a Negatve Nancy.

      • That's "Negative PRINCESS Nancy" to you, you DemonRat.

  • Schmannnity

    That's animation? The scene with Uncle Sam eating/burping a burger in front of a table full of automatic weapons and stacks of bills I thought was a hidden camera shot.

  • HistoriCat

    Why this one on one bargaining? Let's put Taiwan up on ebay – I'll bet some Saudi prince would be interested. Or maybe Germany. After all, once they finish they economic conquest of the Euorzone, maybe they would like a little old-fashioned Liebensraum.

  • meatlofer

    Ahh Fuck it! They all look alike anyhow!

  • Ruhe

    And so the idea is we'll use the money we save in this deal to buy more Heineken and guns? We'd have to be plain stupid to pass this up. Are you stupid America?

    • Um … yes?

    • flamingpdog

      Do you shit in the woods, Smoky?

  • Goonemeritus

    As the saying goes— it’s all fun and games until you find you’re out numbered 60 to 1 in a land war in Asia.

  • It's not like US America didn't do this before…

    January 1950 Speech to the National Press Club by Sec State Dean Acheson about the US America defense perimeter which left out a place called Korea.

    June 26, 1950. NK divisions roll past the 38th parallel.

    • fuflans

      strategic alliances. how do they work?

  • Guppy

    Maureen Dowd's head is on fire.

    Maureen Dowd's head is on fire.

    • jqheywood

      Upfists for the Bloodhound Group reference:

      "The roof the roof the roof is on fire
      The roof the roof the roof is on fire
      The roof the roof the roof is on fire
      We don't need no water let the maureendowd burn
      Burn maureendowd burn"

  • Schmannnity

    Lebensraum. Lieben is to love, leben is to live. Right now, Germany isn't loving too many countries.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Liebensraum is what I call my den.

    • I thought I was the hairsplitting nitpicker around these parts. Welcome!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, while we are at it, can we give Alaska and the Palins back to Russia for some Vodka and pierogies? We would be way ahead on that deal.

  • WhatTheHeck

    But wait, there's more. If you act in the next 10 minutes, we will throw in, free of charge, tuition for all Chinese students at our finest universities in the U.S. (U.S. citizens can't afford, and therefore don't deserve higher learning). But that's not all. We'll give you all our foreclosed properties. Just pay shipping and handling.

    • jqheywood

      And we'll throw in a bamboo steamer….now how much would you pay?

  • Mahousu

    Two guesses for the source of this:
    1. It's a Swiftian-style "modest proposal" made so Obama can reject it and look tough.
    2. The author of the editorial had a girlfriend from Taiwan who broke up with him, so this is his attempt to get back at her.

    • DoktorThompson

      God damn you half-Taiwanese girls–do it me every time.

  • edgydrifter

    What can I get for a pound of flesh? No, not mine, naturally. Let me rephrase: what can I get for a pound of that guy's flesh?

  • actor212

    We should upgrade Taiwan to Tai 2.0.

    Don't you think it's about time?

    • flamingpdog

      Thai 2.0 might sue for copyright infringment.

    • Tahi 2.0.

      It's Malay. Look it up.

  • RavenRant

    Selling out a friend for money – This Paul Kane does some innovative thinking. Does he hold the Judas Chair in Transactional Foreign Policy?

  • James Michael Curley

    "because these things aren’t “suggested” in the mainstream press until they’re accepted in the Halls of Power" and the November Newspaper Circulation statitics are being compiled.

  • SorosBot

    Please, Taiwain, remember that the opinions of New York Times editorial writers do not reflect those of the American people, or reality.

    • MegPasadena

      However the editor, who has the power to decide what to become a mainstream idea in America decided to publish the said piece.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem with giving Taiwan to the Chinese is that we will just want to do it again in a half an hour.

  • Beowoof

    Is Obama on his knees in front of that bear a symbol that in addition to being a Keyan usurper, that he is also secretly gay and into bears?

    • jqheywood


    • flamingpdog

      Yogay the Bear?

  • Ruhe

    Obviously we don't get to see what ultimately happens to the semi-nude Obama in that little room but it strikes me that it would be deeply unfair if the President had to give up Taiwan and blow China. Of course he'd consider himself luckier than Uncle Sam who had to work with the Panda.

  • Neoyorquino


    • Neoyorquino

      (FYI, Google Translate's attempt at "I, for one, welcome our new economic overlords.")

    • WhatTheHeck

      I'm guessing that says “Taiwan's been Shanghaied.”

    • AddHomonym

      Knee how, economic overlords!

      • Hen hao, ni ne?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Kneel how, economic overlords?


    • Oh I kinda like what Google Tranny gave back on your post:

      Me, welcome to our new economic hegemony

      ♪♫ If there's a hustle in your hegemony, don't be alarmed now
      It's just a spring clean by the Repug queens ♫♪

      • America love you long time.

        • Neoyorquino

          "What do we get for $1.14 trillion dollars?"
          "Everything you want."

        • flamingpdog

          How Long is a Chinaman.

    • flamingpdog

      Needz "Your lucky numbers".

  • JackDempsey1

    The parachuting pandas at 0:35 are totally implausible.
    I believe you need an opposable thumb to pull a ripcord.
    Though I suppose that technology is always advancing.

    • If they're military pandas, the cord is pulled by the tether as you jump from the plane. They'd only need the opposable thumb if your primary chute failed to open and you needed to pull the cord for your secondary chute. Or if the tether snagged and you found yourself battered against the side of the plane, in which case you're probably fucked anyway, regardless of opposable thumbs.

      • JackDempsey1

        yo, man, *nobody* messes with my military/survivalist/last-man-alive cred…..
        [pulls out numchucks, consults directions briefly]

  • McRibzgood


  • fuflans

    if maureen dowd's on fire, shouldn't friedman be getting slapped in the face with a cream pie?

  • Beetagger

    I hope this doesn't affect my chances at getting a happy ending at my local asian massage parlor.

    • Just don't go in there haw-hawing about how funny this is. Or you'll emerge without your ending, if you get my drift.

  • It may come down someday to US officials wondering if voters are willing to see their loved ones die for Taiwan. I'm suspecting the answer is "No".

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They didn't seem to wonder very much about Kuwait, Afghanistan, or Iraq… why would this be different?

      • Less oil, the possibility of a less ignorant president, and the further exhaustion of the country's spirit and finances from the latter two wars.

  • x111e7thst

    The sad truth is that we can't stop the Chinese from taking over Taiwan anyway. Not without using nukes. We can still make it very expensive, but if they choose to pay the price..

    • Guppy

      The PRC couldn't do it even if we weren't involved. The PLA may be big and scary-looking, but they have issues moving from point A to point B.

      When was the last time you saw a Chinese amphibious assault ship? I wouldn't recommend them trying to fly over the Straits, since their jet fighters can apparently be taken down by a P-3 Orion…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Mmmm… and why do you suppose they're building aircraft carriers?

        • Guppy

          Oh, I'm not saying they wouldn't like to try, just that they're not good at it.

          Why do you think a Chinese carrier would do much more than irradiate its own crew ala the Charles de Gaulle?

      • x111e7thst
        • Guppy

          If missiles could plant flags, the DOD would have perfected the technology decades ago.

          (Apollo doesn't count.)

  • mavenmaven

    There are three things wrong with this proposal. One, selling out our allies is bad. Two, it would make the US appear weak. Three, oh…I can't remember what the third reason was… oops…

  • pinkocommi

    Let me see…. Mounting debt to Chinese vs. Taiwan's status as reliable consumer of US' weapons systems (missiles, fighter jets, etc.). Boy, sometimes it is hard to see how we can be best served economically by political and potentially armed conflict.

    • Perhaps Kane is thinking this would be kinda like the Auntie Bellum presidents pushing the manifested destiny westward expansion to take folks eyes offa the no-win uncomfortable slavery thing? But since we still ended up in the War of Northern Aggression after all the westward ho' and killin' most everything while passing though, maybe Barry should cut to the chase and nuke them all?

  • Oh noesium, this could result in pandamoanium. Serious wailing and gnashing of teeth, too, also.

    • No, not pandamoanium, rarest of elements!

    • flamingpdog

      Did I see that on Animal Planet or was it the Spice Channel?

  • AddHomonym

    This is good news for David Bowie.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Well. Even though I pretty much agree with their point, that wasn't satire, that was just preachy.

  • And if they act now, we'll throw in the Dalai Lama FREE!

  • Commie Panda makes everyone cry.

  • Fawkdifiknow

    I say if we're going to make any deals, we start a bidding war: See how much Taiwan will pay us to keep defending them against how much Mainland China will pay us to stop. And, if we're really smart, we'll get some guys from Goldman Shits to do the bargaining for us – they're experts at playing (and getting paid for) being on both sides of a deal!!

    • poncho_pilot

      i've seen this movie. *Spoiler Alert* Clint Eastwood gets beat up but he teaches himself to shoot with his other hand and wins in the end.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just remember – the really big money is in the derivatives.
      I suggest you go long China, short Taiwan.

  • poncho_pilot

    OT but at least mildly amusing:

    • A_Z_0_9_and_

      fapping so hard right now

  • DahBoner

    That reminds me…

    It's Friday! Time to tai wan on…

  • The take away is: how to best lay the groundwork for telling my wife I plan to throw all else aside and spend the rest of my days in pursuit of Taiwanese tail. Because godDAMN.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You do realize those newsreader chicks were animated … right?

  • jakegittes

    Are you people shitting me? Do you think we can continue to pay to defend empire and ask that the 99% continue to tighten their belts in order to do so? America's support of Chaing Kai Shek's refuge on Taiwan was the support of one of the most brutal fascist regimes ever to have hightailed out of a country. Sorry to have turned off the snark, but I can't believe that some of you "America, Fuck Yeah" types out there would want us to stand firm against Red China.

    • SorosBot

      Chiang Kai Shek has been dead for a long time; Taiwan is now a flourishing democracy, not a dictatorship. Defending them is not empire building, but protecting what is effectively a sovereign, free nation from a much stronger, brutal dictatorship. There are a lot of American military commitments that have been obsolete since the end of the cold war (or even earlier in the case of Japan), but protecting Taiwan is not one of them; nor is South Korea.

      • jakegittes

        Protecting them from what? A country of 2 billion people that we also helped to start down the road towards modernization, moderation, and yes, democracy? Big China ain't all the way there yet, but its people will soon be demanding even greater and greater reforms as the country continues to grow and moderate. You ought to read the book "Washington's China," by James Peck to learn about the fucked up job we did trying to propagandize about the evils of communism and the grand benefits of capitalism in the post-World War II era. We lost golden opportunities to cause Big China to begin the process of moderating way back when and instead chose to prop up the fascist regime of Chiang Kai Shek. If the presence of the American military in South Korea is to protect that country from Big Bad North Korea, then why do we have troops in Okinawa to this day? To protect Japan from Big Bad who, pray tell? No. The garrisoning of the world by America, Fuck Yeah, is done for one goal, and one alone, and that is to protect empire. Why is Iraq and Iran and Afghanistan and Pakistan a big deal to this day? Oil. Plain and Simple. Oil in the Middle East. Oil to the east of the Caspian Sea. And to try to get our paws on oil and natural gas in Iran. All of this other political claptrap about freedumb and right and wrong political ideology is all bull shit. And who pays for it? The 99% with our taxes, and now our benefits and the jobs that have been shipped overseas so that the military industrial complex can get their shit built with slave labor.

      • DahBoner

        For Christ's sake, Taiwan has better healthcare than we do!


      • Taiwan is NOT a democracy. Don't kid yourself. The mainlanders' treatment of native Taiwanese continues to be pretty damn shoddy and despite a welcome respite since the old gangster finally kacked, miserable bastard that he was, the fellow-gangsters he brought with him from the mainland haven't exactly melted into the woodwork. They're still around and they still run that town. The only Taiwanese who WANT the US involved are the same comprador capitalists and other bloodsucking swine who wanted to ensure that their millions in ill-gotten gains didn't go to their victims, in China.

    • Guppy

      I've always had the impression that ROC was a bit like ROK: lousy history with actual democracy, but "they got better" to an extent.

  • This is nothing new. The US has *historically* sold out any "allies" it might ever have had — and gotten away with it mostly by virtue of having the biggest/most guns/stockpiles of money. That day is coming to an end, but not the long memories of other nations.

  • JackDempsey1

    Veteran's Day, etc.: Thank you for your service.
    ok, you got me.
    My knowledge of paratrooping is confined to a frame-by-frame examination of Patrick Swayze action sequences in "Point Break."

  • dennis1943

    Is there a market for principles………………seems they are rare enough to have some value………

  • BklynIlluminati

    I love how the Chinese are represented as Panda Yif's

  • owhatever

    This was a done deal from the minute the Generalissimo and his flaky flock left the mainland. Let's take a vote. Everybody willing to declare China for Taiwan raise your hands. We'd like to keep propping you up, Taiwan, but we're broke. Time for you to go home.

  • Gee, I sure am glad you had a failsafe.

    Also that I resisted the temptation to jump out of flying planes.

  • datateday

    "…Washington, despite it's rhetoric could give a rat's ass about the moral implications…"

    Washington and about anywhere else don't care about moral and to some extent even practical implications to their decisions anymore. It's an all out do what you feel kiddies mama's getting drunk over at the prisoner's compound here have the keys and take the car out for a joy ride down the interstate just don't crash the car in the– too late sort of mentality these days, so don't feel bad if anything specifically bad happens to where you live – it's like this EVERYWHERE. Nice animation though.

  • We will beat the debt crisis…with a Kane!

  • schvitzatura

    What domino theory? The Chicoms just want to play some pai gow with their little brothers in Formosa, right?

  • schvitzatura

    Taiwan = Antonine (or was it Hardrian's) Wall of the Pacific, to maintain America's Pan-Pacific hegemony.

  • ttommyunger

    " American protectorates" = Profit Centers for Goldman Sucks. If the profits go, so goes the protection, suckas!

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