sure whatever

Newt Gingrich Wins New GOP Poll By Coming In Second Place

Who has weirder pajamas than Newt Gingrich?Herman Cain is the big loser of a new GOP primary poll that he won, because he is an awful inarticulate sex creep slob who got only 18% support, which is a few percentage points less than the last time one of these dumb polls came out six seconds ago, so it is Over For Him. Time to scroll down the poll results to find a new “winner” liked by fewer than 1 in 5 Republicans for the media to obsessively discuss! Hm… Mitt Romney came in second with 15%, but nope, he is still irredeemably boring. But, wait, oh look, Newt Gingrich actually tied with Mittens! So Newt Gingrich is your new “It” turd in the GOP primary field this week, Newt the cancerous wife-divorcing proven serial cheater sex fiend, because Herman Cain now has a “woman voter support problem.”

From the CBS News poll:

Cain has lost support among women since late October. Then, he led among women, garnering 28 percent of their support. Now, his support among women is just 15 percent. He has also lost ground with conservatives, from 30 percent to 23 percent now.


Among women, 38 percent say they are less likely to support Cain because of the allegations against him. Fifty-seven percent say that will make no difference in their vote. Just 23 percent of men say they are less likely to vote for Cain because of the harassment allegations.

All the assault/harassment allegations so far against Cain are from the late nineties, i.e. more or less concurrent with the time when Newt Gingrich got busy behind his wife’s back schtupping the boggle-eyed congressional staffer who is now his wife, which means Newt Gingrich is laughing his ass off right now. [CBS News]

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  1. Barb

    "Cain has lost support among women since late October."
    He's also running around saying, "The way to beat Barack Obama is with a Cain"
    He also whips out his dick and tells job applicants that it's a "candy cain"

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      I saw that 'Beat him with a Cain' thing earlier today, and thought it was a joke. Wow, the GOP just wallows in insensitivity.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      I'm waiting for an anti-Cain commercial that's like those particularly effective anti-smoking ads. The voice-over could read, "Since late October, Cain has lost support among women" just as the screen shows Mark Block's cigarette starting to go limp.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know. I think Newt has run out of his nine lives. Callistra strikes me a gal willing and able to cut a bitch, physically and in the wallet.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Just wait until you see the show-stopper he's got planned for the second act. He's learned his lesson from the experience of Bialestock and Bloom.

  2. Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh, the tales of Newt's infidelities that would come out are worth the price of admission alone. I was worried a bit about Obama's chances, but he will wipe the floor with any of these losers.

    1. WootInTarnation

      Yer, I see your point. But… out of all of those clowns who are even capable of staying on message, Newt's the only one that has the most hard-scrabble political experience behind him. I do believe that he could actually debate Obama. It would be an ugly show, but he's not a complete mouth-breather: he's just cynical, slimy and evil.

      This worries me. He is one cynical, cold, old bastard of a snake politician. But he's a professional politician, as opposed to most of his opponents.

      When the shit really goes down and the race thins, I fear that Newt's infidelities won't hold voters back from choosing him over a 1800's long-john wearer and, uh, and, uh… Shoot, I've run out of viable Republican candidates.

      And so has their party. And it's not even spring yet. If Newt's the last man standing, I have a feeling that even the "moral" Xtians will vote for him.

      Because, let's break it down here: he's cheated on numerous wives and girlfriends, he's divorced his dying "wife through thick and thin" (Yay! Sanctity of sanctimonious haterosexual marriage) and he's probably performed some very bad anal on an aide right in his wife's hospital room as she groans in pain. (Because you know that he's the kind of dude who'll steal the pain meds off a cancer patient.)

      So, when the rubber hits the road, Newt's transgressions ain't gonna mean shit. The "moral lapses" on his part are simply crimes committed against his property: his wives, his girlfriends, his staff. They're HIS PROPERTY.

      Even the dullest among his potential supporters can get behind that idea. In fact, Newt is very lucky, because the child-rearing/torture manuals and similar Xtian manuals for training up wives are tremendously popular right now. These books promise to deliver to the father an army of wife and kids who are have been transformed through violence into cowering, damaged, docile soldiers whose own opinions and the courage to speak them have been literally beat out of them. This allows the courageous Xtian father to mobilize his army.

      Judging from the number of glowing, uninventive, but passionate reviews of these books on Amazon, this vision of the upright Xtian family is gaining popularity through the promotion and dissemination of "Talking Points" to minions who are encouraged to make their own homes into little Tsar-worshipping barracks.

      With this worldview, it's easy to see voters excusing Newt's behavior because his wife and children were uppity and rebellious. So while Newt may have failed to crush them into submission, his sins are minor and hardly of his making.

      The dying wife is the sinner. If she'd been obedient, well then, God might not have smitten her. Newt's just the fall-guy in all those stories. His women and children betrayed him to the beast. He can't be held responsible for seeking out another (three, four, 17 new women) with whom he can do his Xtain duty and re-populate the country before the browns take over and further revolutionize American cuisine.

  3. Ducksworthy

    Those GOP men are jealous of Herman's style (and/or fantasizing about certain parts of his anatomy.)

  4. slithytoves

    Part of me is happy that the republicans are so witless that they are even now tying up the election for Obama. The other part of me just wants to vomit. God, it's like binge drinking.

  5. Not_So_Much

    Newt and his fembot better go on another vacation pretty quick. Actual 'work' really isn't his style.

  6. littlebigdaddy

    Today we are all tiny-dicked, man-boobed ex-history professors with six-figure "consulting" fees!

    1. chicken_thief

      Ya. Cause no journalist would think of interviewing Glenn Rice to get his take on how sweet that pussy was.

      1. HistoriCat

        I don't think the world will get too excited by, "yeah, I banged some chick when I was in Alaska but I don't remember her name or what she looked like. I guess it could have been her."

      2. WootInTarnation

        I'm kinda surprised that interview doens't already exist.

        Aside from the large population of people who would welcome any tactic that will ensure her disappearance, there are a lot of dudes who still want to throw her a hate-fuck or a str8-up MILF fuck. Seems like a win-win for whatever magazine/blog wants to take that one on.

        Sweet pussy? I'm thinking garage cunt/moose trap. Back 'er in there Glenn. But that's just me and my slutdar.

    2. Banelm

      Its too late to get into the early primaries. Even against this crappy field, it would be almost impossible to win the nomination without even competing in the first leg. Believe it or not, the nominee will be one of these twits!

  7. Nesnora

    Sorry Herman, I think Mittens and Newt made it clear what voters want: Multiple wives in both theory and practice.

  8. Tundra Grifter

    How many Twitter followers does Ole Newt still have?

    And – a bit more to the point – who the Hell cares?

    I wrote this here before. Once your first name becomes "Former" they might as well stick the fork into ya. You're done.

    1. Troglodeity

      Newt has just a few more Twitter followers than Cain has sexual harassment accusers. On the other hand, Cain has just a few more accusers than Newt has ex-wives, so it's pretty much a wash.

      1. poncho_pilot

        the previous statement doesn't really say much for Onizuka, though, because i'd vote for a pile oily rags over Gingrich.

  9. Tommmcattt

    You know they're hurting when the only choice they have left is perennial loser and wan corporate puppet Newt Gingrich. It's precisely like choosing between eating a pile of shit and a dead rat. You pick the shit, because hey, at least shit doesn't have fleas.

    Ah, we need to coin a term that combines schadenfreude and serendipity, because that is what I am feeling upon finding out this morning that all they have left is ol' Also-Ran Newtie.

    1. Negropolis

      I take it you never saw Fear Factor? I'd so choose the rat. At least it's meat. I can overlook the fleas. I'd just think of them as dark-colored sprinkles on a sundae, or peppercorns.

  10. Ruhe

    Don't we have the technology to get past these ridiculous polls? I'm thinking that the Nielsen Co. should be able by now to plant some sort of device directly in the brain of conservative voters so as to measure their ephemeral support for one candidate or another. Given the average intelligence of Republican Primary voters it feels like these polls, no matter how scientifically rigorous, have no more predictive value than choices made by a captive octopus.

    1. finallyhappy

      I know you are talking about Paul(RIP). Any octopus is probably a lot smarter than GOP candidates- they(the octopuses/octopi) have a very unique brain that we really don't understand yet(and won't – they will have become our overlords by the time we figure it out)

      1. SorosBot

        I think the only thing that's stopped the giant octopus from taking over the world is their three-four year lifespan.

    2. poncho_pilot

      "I'm thinking that the Nielsen Co. should be able by now to plant some sort of device directly in the brain of conservative voters…"

      i'd suggest the Ceti Eel but their behavior suggests they are hosts already.

    3. Graham Cracker

      The Neilson company has developed a device that attaches directly to voter's brains and allows Neilson to directly measure their choices. But, for obvious reasons, it doesn't work with Rethuglicans.

      1. Ruhe

        No doubt their mistake was to design a device that works with the homo sapien brain as a whole while most Republican brains are by accident or choice reduced to only the reptilian portion.

    1. HistoriCat

      Besides – Newt married his piece of ass. Turning her into a respectable woman redeems him from his other actions.

      OK, now I feel nauseous.

      1. McRibzgood

        I've never thought Historicat would say Newt is redeemed of his actions. YOU'VE TURNED INTO ONE OF "THEM". It's a slippery slope and you've passed the event horizon. Might as well get it over with quickly. Buy some truck nuts and nod in agreement while listening to Glenn Beck. I'll lay some flowers on your snark grave.

        1. HistoriCat

          Here I am giving you some prime insight in to the Conservatard mind and you say I'm turning into one of them. You are so getting a 5 inch hairball in your shoe.

  11. mavenmaven

    Let's face it, this whole gaggle of pathetic rejects and ret–ds is a major embarrassment to the entire country, and in that category, the Newt is a winner.

  12. Chichikovovich

    "Cain has lost support among women since late October."

    My theory – only semi-snark. As much as I find it staggering to learn that men do this, I've heard from a huge number of women I trust that this disgusting "grab the back of the head and push" thing really happens a lot. A lot of creepy men have this as part of their standard repertoire. Presumably even a lot of really hard core conservative women have experienced it. I bet that one aspect of the story is a deal-breaker for them. Makes what he did a bit too familiar.

    1. RavenRant

      I think conservative women may well have experienced more harassment. The conservative movement is inherently patriarchal, authoritarian, and sexist. Repressive religions inculcate shame, and people raised in those traditions can feel shame and guilt at any sexual contact, even if they didn't consent to it, making them extremely easy to manipulate. Perfect prey for predators.

      There's plenty of sexism and racism on the left, mostly of the clueless variety. But only the right makes a positive virtue of bigotry.

      1. Chichikovovich

        No doubt. I expect that anyone who regularly makes this move has known a few nut-punches in the course of their low-rent Casanova career. Presumably they regard it as one of their occupational hazards, as athletes regard bruises and sprained ankles.

  13. owhatever

    I borrow this line becuz it's so good: The moral Republicans are switching their support from the serial groper to the serial adulterer.

    I want to read Calista's eventual autobiography on why congressional interns should give blow jobs to their married bosses as a career move toward getting botox, Tiffany bling and one day perhaps becoming first lady of the land.

  14. chicken_thief

    "…more or less concurrent with the time when Newt…"

    Pudgy black pizza man got shot down repeatedly while pudgy whiny voiced white man was getting laid. And they claim there is no need for affirmative action…

  15. johnnyzhivago

    Mitt needs to shed the straight lace image:

    – Get caught driving around with a litter of kittens strapped to the roof of his campaign bus.

    – Shoot a campaign staffer on a "varmint" hunting photo op

    – etc….

  16. Urban_Achiever

    "Now, his support among women is just 15 percent."

    Who ARE these 15% of women that still support Cain!!??

    (No snark here, just askin')

    1. bikerlaureate

      Perhaps there are more rape fetishists out there than I…

      Nope, never mind, it's not worth the mental imagery.

  17. BarackMyWorld

    Newt Gingrich needs to countdown the days until everyone remembers he's simply a despicable human being.

  18. Goonemeritus

    So it’s a choice between a Mormon Northerner a black guy accused of sexual battery by a white women and an adulterer who converted to Roman Catholicism. Nice Sothern strategy GOP why don’t you dig up General Sherman and run him.

  19. McRibzgood

    We're past that. We're on zyklon-b. I don't understand how the little fucker got them. It's a freakin' indoor cat. I took it outside once on a sunny summer day and it acted like it had agoraphobia.

      1. McRibzgood

        They are ultra-fleas.

        I'm a dog person so I know the deal. But these guys just won't take "I'm poisoning you" for an answer. The whole place has been de-bugged several times.

  20. DahBoner

    Newt Gittin'rich believes in waiting until marriage to have sex.

    Not necessarily with the woman he married, but still…

  21. hagajim

    I found it interesting that anyone other than this massive pile of human excrement received 14% of the vote as of now.

  22. Native_of_SL_UT

    Sometimes cream rises to the top. That's what they would like us to believe is happening.
    Other times the pool gets so shallow that all that's left is scum. This is one of those times.

  23. Pithaughn

    Yaay! time to polish my Newt look alike alot shtick. I'll start by shtupping my wife. My first and only wife, of nearly 30 years. call my agent to book now. the best dates ( Xmas and NY's eve are already taken! )

  24. Negropolis

    He may be a sex creep, but inarticulate he is not. In fact, I think his problem is that he is too articulate in getting his offensive points across. Minus his accent ("ecunumy" grates on my ears like no other), no one can never claim to have missed his points or not understood exactly what he was trying to get across. The fucker has never been at a lost for words, and the women he's encountered in his life know that all too well, it seems.

    It is kind of amazing that Cain's troubles with women seem to have brought the attention away from Gingrich's serial adultry. It'll be fun to see that brought back up, and I don't think "I cheated on my wives because I love America **motioning with hands** this much" is going to cut it, this time.

  25. ttommyunger

    Could adding Palin to a Cain Ticket solve his "woman" problem? After all, Sarah could expound on the benevolent benefits of black dick; she has experience in that particular field of endeavor.

  26. smitallica

    The media keeps saying that Gingrich is liked by some Republicans because he's "brilliant." What they don't understand, the fact that he's "brilliant" is why most Republicans DON'T like him. They like their candidates like they like their grilled cheese sandwiches: simple, plain, and bearing the ghostly image of Jesus.

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