love letters

Erick Erickson Asks Herman Cain If He Tried Turning It On and Off

'Do you talk on radio? I do.'Now that the puddle of human goo that used to be Rick Perry has finally been covered over with cedar shavings and left to dry overnight, perhaps we should refocus on polishing the rest of the turds who for some reason are still interested in getting Iowans to hate them slightly less than the other ghouls scrumming to become GOP CEO. (Because the rusty Democrat machine hates bizness, only the GOP gets to have a CEO. Enjoy those General Assemblies, hippies!) Erick Erickson, current jefe of #1 internet stratagem database/thinktank RedState, has some ideas for one particularly handsy GOP candidate which he shared in a open letter like some kind of peeved-off Democrat senator from a Nor’easter state.

Actual child Erick Erickson writes to his pretend pen pal:

Herman, you said you’d surround yourself with the best people and you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures. The problems you are facing are problems of campaign staffing. You’ve failed to live up to your own standard of hiring the best people.

That’s fine, Erick. Let’s temporarily just Ignore the Fact that Herman Cain knows close to nothing about close to everything. Now, while we are pretending his campaign suffers merely from personnel mismanagement, let’s remember that usually the “best people” don’t like you manhandling them or their colleagues, sexually speaking. So naturally they are going to have a hard time working for Herman Munster, who can’t even hold his hand up to his chin around a lady without doing it sexy. Any other ideas?

Herman, you must reboot for victory.

Yes! Also, Herman, you must unplug your microwave and then push the reset button on your router, for freedom. Herman, I’m going to need to put you on hold while you climb up to the roof and tie a good luck blinky to your antenna, for liberty. Herman, please go ahead and create a new guest user called “Ronald Reagan” and try logging in as that, for the whisper of a chance at winning. The password is je11yb33nz.

Just what is this Herman Cain anime character to Erick Erickson, anyway?

I owe you a good bit of my present career in radio.

Oh, boy. The American people can look past a lot, probably including boundless claims of sexual harassment because what is that even, isn’t it all just in the eye of the beholder, who can say, WOMEN DO IT TOO, etc. But helping to launch one-third of Erick Erickson’s “careers” is really unforgivable. Therefore, Herman Cain, you are sentenced to win this nomination. A somber congratulations to you.  [RedState via TPM]

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193 comments

  1. GuanoFaucet

    I owe you a good bit of my present career in radio.

    Tell us where on the doll Herman touched you Erick.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Oh, god, Dok, you are TOO fucking cruel!

      Reminds me of life working for one of the so-called geniuses of the hi-tech industry, who had us all slaving night and day for WEEKS to get a beta lined up for him to demo to the press and investors. We were all ordered to be present on a Saturday morning for the demo. He didn't know how to start up the demo.

      We didn't laugh (out loud, anyway) till after everyone left.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      One thousand black box internets (and one Final Countdown teapot) to you for the reference.

      "COMPUTER! HELLO!!"

    3. Rotundo_

      It's amazing how much "magic" can be created with a black box and one flashing LED. I have heard of products that were nothing more than nice cases and knobs and flashing LED's being demo'ed at trade shows to the oohs and ahhs of the rubes dropping by for brochures and bags. No software, no real hardware, no real product yet, but lotsa flashy LED's to convince you there was a product in there…

  2. Fukui_sanYesOta

    So Erick Erickson, pundit and part-time potato impersonator, is in the bag for ol' rovin' hands Herman?

    Nein-nein-nein

  3. nounverb911

    Is Erick Erickson's son named Erick Ericksonson or Erickson Erickson? (Hopefully he will never spawn).

    1. HistoriCat

      That whole tech support segment is golden. I'm liking this Junior.

      Plus, we've had a shit-ton of posts today. Bad for my productivity but good for the Wonkette community.

  4. iburl

    I've not seen a politician with this many nicknames in forever:
    Hurricain, Caintrain, Cainwreck, Cornbread, Black Walnuts, Mr. Munster, Pizzaman, Godfather, Blondechaser, Blacksheep Koch, Molesterman, Gladhandler, Reverend Carbanger, etc., etc.,

  5. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Erick, son of Erick, believes that Herman Cain is just a robot that likes him the women folk. Actually, that would explain a lot. And Rick Perry must be a faulty Chinese knock off that likes men?

    By son of Erick's standards, this is brilliant.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I keep waiting for a Jonah Goldberg article on Herman Cain, using pizza as a metaphor, but I would suppose the drool must keep shorting out his computer.

    1. MissTaken

      I assume that he is unable to write that Cain article since the smell of pizza is K-Lo's viagra and she then forces him to make stinky monkey love with her.

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            I wish you had told me that before you put that image in my mind. I could have easily Cain'd you.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        You know, Miss Taken, you really did NOT have to do that to my sex life. You really didn't, at all. I'll be thinking of you as I desperately try to get the old juices flowing with S&M porn all week.

      2. SayItWithWookies

        "When we do it, can I call you Herman?"
        "If it gets you off — sure"

        "Oh, Herman!"
        "Oh, Rick!"
        "What?"

  7. Beowoof

    So Erik is saying smoker guy is a turd. Very astute Erik. Maybe you should work for Herman and bring the staff IQ up to Forrest Gump territory.

    1. teatarded2012

      Thanks beowoof you made wine come out of my nose with this comment. Truly, truer erick, ericky words were never spoken/written.

  8. Generation[redacted]

    That sign he's holding up makes me feel superior to him in every way. I can make teh sad face too!

  9. Not_So_Much

    What the fuck does SonOfErick want from Spermin' Herman? Mark Block is smoking as hard as he fucking can!!1!

  10. Dok-cupy Everything

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

    Abort / Retry/ Fail? ___

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Me: "Right-click on the Start Button"

        Cretin: "How do I write 'click' on it? Just type it there?"

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      A problem has been detected and Herman Cain has been shut down to prevent damage to your candidate

  11. OneYieldRegular

    "I owe you a good bit of my present career in radio."

    He's referring to pizza for dinner every night, right?

          1. Herring_Burnit

            I can't decide if it was some deliberate mean-girl sort of insult (he's so insignificant, I can't even remember his name) or if it was a fer-realz moment of stupid, yet again.

          2. Dok-cupy Everything

            "Damn you to hell, Palin!!!!"

            –Herbert Eugene Caen (April 3, 1916 – February 1, 1997), Pulitzer-winning columnist for the San Francisco Examiner

    1. V572625694

      Steve Jobs?

      And by the way, it's a shame the author of that bio isn't able to get on any of the shows.

      1. gloriositudinously

        Even though he was a spy AND a girl delighter, his TI-25 didn't have a reboot function. ("Shoes for the Dead!")

  12. flamingpdog

    …you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures.

    The Koch brothers do not appreciate this slur, sir. Good luck in your next career.

    I do believe the brothers may be hiring someone to clean their bathrooms, once they kick Hermie down the road.

  13. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    I have three revenue streams to sell shitty ideas and pollute peoples minds.
    I overpaid for my house, but the neighborhood is predominately white and gated….so, yeah.
    My insurance costs…I have no idea but everyone says theirs are outrageous so, me too.
    I don't point the blame where it belongs (see: Obama, ACORN, Black Panthers, &c).
    I suck up to Wall Street (although if anything doesn't go my way I'm the first to start whining).
    I am 53% lard, 50% showman and 101% Patriotic.

  14. ManchuCandidate

    Ewick wites Herman, you said you’d surround yourself with the best people and you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures.

    Stupid Ewick. According to the MBA handbook, when an MBA sez that it actually means: "I'm surrounding myself with the best asskissers and toadies money can buy." For the most part, being a Class A failure is a bonus.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Indeed — I believe it was professor Lawrence J. Peter of Peter Principle fame (work expands to fill the time available) who came up with the rule that administrators want to multiply subordinates, not rivals. Therefore the truly self-interested administrator will never surround himself with people who can do a better job than he can. In Herman Cain's case, that doesn't leave him much to choose from.

  15. chascates

    Son of Erick may be realizing the truth that many, many 'successful CEOs' are simply grand bulllshitters who bluff their way through different companies, making millions in stock deals and then moving on before they really screw-up the company they just fucked over.

    Also works for crafty politicians such as Dick Cheney.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Those really great companies have really great people in the trenches doing the day-to-day work, allowing the CEO to tour the country claiming to achieve success through individualism and hard work.

  16. iburl

    Erick the Red obviously has multiple personality disorder. His little sheet of paper whines about his multi-million dollar "jobs", his house he can't sell, and his "outrageous" insurance costs, then it says "Suck it up you whiners". Normally sucking it up doesn't include writing it down and posting it to the internet, redtard.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      What he means is, "You too should become too fat to leave your home and make your dissatisfaction known in a public forum. Just cry on the intertubes, like me."

      (says the woman who wouldn't dream of occupying anything other than pizza)

  17. ttommyunger

    " The problems you are facing are problems of campaign staffing. You’ve failed to live up to your own standard of hiring the best people." So, I want you to know I would be available as soon as you want me; and Herman, you won't have to push my head down to your lap.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Eweck has forgotten that Cain is used to hiring people for minimum wage + a small share of the tips jar.

      1. ttommyunger

        I think he is interested in the “tip” of something else Hermie likes to offer. Not saying Eweck has teh ghey, but I think he would hold one between his teeth until the swelling went down, you know, just fer grins.

    2. tessiee

      "want you to know I would be available as soon as you want me; and Herman, you won't have to push my head down to your lap."

      Herman Cain is perhaps not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I think not even he is so lacking in basic self-preservation instinct as to push the t-man's head down to his lap.

      1. ttommyunger

        Hee, hee. My bad, I should have attributed the quote to Erick; that was the “thrust” of my comment.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      SAFETY WARNING: Herman Cain's patented move is for real women only. Do not try to force the internet's head towards your crotch. Your monitor could crush your weenus.

  18. Tundra Grifter

    "Herman, you said you’d surround yourself with the best people and you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures. The problems you are facing are problems of campaign staffing. You’ve failed to live up to your own standard of hiring the best people."

    Look – the bar isn't set very high when all the GNoP'ees repeat that Ole Newt is pretty much the smartest guy any of them have ever met. Maybe that smoking guy is the best people Herman could get.

  19. MissTaken

    you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures

    Erick son of Erick is literally surrounded by Kathryn, so he's the expert on being surrounded by Class A failures.

  20. anniegetyerfun

    Look, trying to take sexual advantage of women is one thing, but giving Erick Son of Erick a career? Inexcusable.

  21. Callyson

    I still believe you can win the Republican nomination.
    I still believe you can beat Barack Obama.
    I still believe you can be one of the most inspiring Presidents since Ronald Reagan.
    *One* of the most inspriring since Reagan? Rather backhanded praise from someone who claims to support Pizza Man…

    1. flamingpdog

      "one of the most inspiring .. since Ronald Reagan"

      Out of all four of them?

      OK, five if you include Dubya.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Erick, watching from a rooftop as Herman Cain destroys New York: "It just popped in there. I tried to think of the most harmless thing…something that would only harm the blond women."

  22. BklynIlluminati

    Why does Eric son of Eric holding up what looks like a timestamp for 4chan's /b/ board? Tits or GTFO Eric!

  23. anniegetyerfun

    "But I don't blame Wall Street."

    No? But it's cool when the Teatards blame the government for EVERY FUCKING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED, right? And by "government", I mean, "the black President".

  24. Guppy

    First off, I think he's just talking about a Godfather's Pizza sponsorship deal on his programs.

    But more importantly, Ewick has a house he can no longer flip? My heart weeps!

  25. glamourdammerung

    So we have gone from "sexual harassment does not exist/matter" to "we need to find a way to get better staff on Cain's campaign to try to get everyone to ignore the sexual harassment". I guess that is the first time E.W.E. was involved in something that was kind of like progress.

  26. DemmeFatale

    No snark here. Sorry.

    What's with all the minimizing of sex crimes?
    A question about Cain and sexual harassment is booed?
    The Paterno thing is all about Joe, not the victims of Sandusky who were RAPED!?
    WTF?!

        1. weejee

          Do you think they also get that the only frickin' thing that matters in college sports is the bottom line? Not only sweeping sins under the carpet, and the not so much real academics for the jocks, but pre & post-game gatherings for tailgated alums to drink more beer & wine and ogle bushel baskets of young students shakin' their booties as well as the pompoms. Revenue, revenue, and revenue.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            College football and basketball are a gigantic farce, and sooner or later, a bunch of high school kids with some smart lawyers and agents are going to get together and force this hypocritical garbage to end by getting paid, legit and straight up. What people are "getting" now, I hope, is that when you see a kid getting raped, you call the police, no matter who you are and who the rapist is.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I have relatives that are freaking out about it. Relatives that, to my knowledge, have never been to Pittsburgh.

  27. donner_froh

    Since anyone hired by Herman Cain will be in the same stupid, untrustworthy and ineffectual mold as he is I don't think hiring more people will help.

    Thanks anyway Erick.

  28. Rotundo_

    Surrounded by "Class A Failures". Ewick even overstates their talent when slamming them. As failures go, they're pretty mediocre. Class C or less, to be a Class A failure you need to go Bernie Madoff in scale.

  29. tessiee

    "the puddle of human goo that used to be Rick Perry has finally been covered over with cedar shavings and left to dry"

    CUSTODIAN LIBEL!!

  30. tessiee

    I'm making the same hourly wage I made 20 years ago — when I can even find work.
    My insurance costs are through the roof.
    I paid more in taxes last year than Enron.
    But I don't blame Wall Street and the corporations — because I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO UNDERSTANDING OF CAUSE AND EFFECT.

  31. Negropolis

    Herman, you said you’d surround yourself with the best people and you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures. The problems you are facing are problems of campaign staffing. You’ve failed to live up to your own standard of hiring the best people.

    Herman Cain: "Who the fuck is Erick Erickson? How could Herman Cain have sexually assaulted this man? Herman Cain has never even met the man."

  32. not that Dewey

    What is it with the commenters at the right-wing sites all having these ridiculous signature quotes at the bottom of each of their comments? Can you imagine how fucking tedious these pages would be if we each concluded every comment with a quote from Saul Alinsky or John Kenneth Galbraith? It might be funny for a day or two, but…

    ———————————————————————————————-
    "Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof."

    -John Kenneth Galbraith
    ———————————————————————————————-

    1. Dok-cupy Everything

      Reminds me of the glorious days of Usenet newsgroups, when people had to be reminded to keep their sig files under 8 lines, for godssake.

      ——————————————————————————-
      "When I feed the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist."

      –Dom Helder Camara

      ——————————————————————————-

    2. Eve8Apples

      Maybe we could all end our comments with a quote from America's most eloquent political philosopher, George W. Bush. Kinda like this:

      "There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk — that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras — it got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments." –George W. Bush, speaking at a private fundraiser, Houston, Texas, July 18, 2008

      1. not that Dewey

        Not to worry — Wall Street had some Hair of the Dog, and now it feels like its old self again, ready for more.

        ———————————————————————————
        "Inasmuch as you do it to the least of my brethren, you do it to me."

        -Real, non-muscular Jesus
        ———————————————————————————–

  33. Eve8Apples

    "I owe you a good bit of my present career in radio."

    America wants to know. When Erick was auditioning for his radio job, did Herman grab the back of Erick's head and shove it into Herman's crotch? Or, is that only required of the lady applicants?

Comments are closed.