Erick Erickson Asks Herman Cain If He Tried Turning It On and Off

Now that the puddle of human goo that used to be Rick Perry has finally been covered over with cedar shavings and left to dry overnight, perhaps we should refocus on polishing the rest of the turds who for some reason are still interested in getting Iowans to hate them slightly less than the other ghouls scrumming to become GOP CEO. (Because the rusty Democrat machine hates bizness, only the GOP gets to have a CEO. Enjoy those General Assemblies, hippies!) Erick Erickson, current jefe of #1 internet stratagem database/thinktank RedState, has some ideas for one particularly handsy GOP candidate which he shared in a open letter like some kind of peeved-off Democrat senator from a Nor’easter state.

 Actual child Erick Erickson writes to his pretend pen pal:  

Herman, you said you’d surround yourself with the best people and you’ve surrounded yourself with Class A failures. The problems you are facing are problems of campaign staffing. You’ve failed to live up to your own standard of hiring the best people.

That’s fine, Erick. Let’s temporarily just Ignore the Fact that Herman Cain knows close to nothing about close to everything. Now, while we are pretending his campaign suffers merely from personnel mismanagement, let’s remember that usually the “best people” don’t like you manhandling them or their colleagues, sexually speaking. So naturally they are going to have a hard time working for Herman Munster, who can’t even hold his hand up to his chin around a lady without doing it sexy. Any other ideas?

Herman, you must reboot for victory.

Yes! Also, Herman, you must unplug your microwave and then push the reset button on your router, for freedom. Herman, I’m going to need to put you on hold while you climb up to the roof and tie a good luck blinky to your antenna, for liberty. Herman, please go ahead and create a new guest user called “Ronald Reagan” and try logging in as that, for the whisper of a chance at winning. The password is je11yb33nz.

Just what is this Herman Cain anime character to Erick Erickson, anyway?

I owe you a good bit of my present career in radio.

Oh, boy. The American people can look past a lot, probably including boundless claims of sexual harassment because what is that even, isn’t it all just in the eye of the beholder, who can say, WOMEN DO IT TOO, etc. But helping to launch one-third of Erick Erickson’s “careers” is really unforgivable. Therefore, Herman Cain, you are sentenced to win this nomination. A somber congratulations to you.  [ RedState via TPM ]