a very happy veterans day

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

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In happier days.We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more.” So we just come up with the winning bid and then, say, let a bunch of Iraq/Afghanistan homeless veterans into Rumsfeld’s office to show their love? This is for a Good Cause!

Hi Ken–

Hope all is well! With Veterans Day this Friday, Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer, and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are hitting the auction block at charitybuzz.com to raise funds for nonprofit organizations dedicated to providing veteran soldiers with support. I thought this could make a timely piece for Wonkette. We’d love your help spreading the word! Details below….

charitybuzz, the leading destination for online charity auctions, has launched its first annual “Veterans’ Remembrance Auction” in honor of the women and men who have served our country in one of the branches of the military. Proceeds from this auction will benefit nonprofits that work to meet the needs of retired military through through health, education, housing and rehabilitation services.

Political and defense leaders including Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are auctioning intimate experiences to raise funds. Bidding is open from Nov. 2 through Nov. 16 at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/auctions/veteransremembrance

Auction Highlights include:

Lunch with Donald Rumsfeld in D.C.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more. They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown.

Auction proceeds will benefit the Rumsfeld Foundation. Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, is open at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/275001no

Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

Okay, time to regroup. The cashier’s check payment must be fraudulent, but convincing enough (“Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies, a 501c political action committee”) so that Rumsfeld’s hemorrhoids will pucker at the mere sight of the $10,000 check. Then the dozen or so permanently maimed veterans of Rumsfeld’s clusterfucks will be ushered in and advised to make use of their commando training with whatever objects they find in Rumsfeld’s office. Good luck, veterans! Have lots of fun!

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • Tundra Grifter

    Second Prize – TWO lunches with Rummy.

    PS: Does his "charity" purchase copies of his own book at full retail price? Did he learn anything else from Herman Cain?

  • carlgt1

    ugh, what's next, Robert McNamara offers Vietnam War vets a lunch date? Kissinger offers any survivors of Pinochet's regime dinner?

    • BarackMyWorld

      McNamara dines in Hell.

      • KathrynSane

        And Kissinger will be soon enough.

        • paris biltong

          There's still not-so-innocent Colin Powell, who could offer to give head to crippled vets.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          From your lips to the ear of any intelligent lifeform with access.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        On hot coals, I hope.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm holding out for lunch with Cheney. I have a briefcase-sized EMP generator I want to try out.

      • not that Dewey

        The perfect gift for the man who has everything, except a pulse.

  • http://www.fightbacknews.org/ 4TheTurnstiles

    You go to lunch with the army you have.

  • OneDollarJuana

    So, is it true that a leather sap filled with sand will pass through a metal detector?

    • HogeyeGrex

      I'm sure Rummy goes through them all the time at the airport.

      • jqheywood

        Points. Serious points. Maximum upfistiness for you.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Not a leatherY sap, dear.

  • Schmannnity

    Given his and Cheney's predictions for Iraq, I am thinking Crow croquettes as a main course?

  • Radio99%

    Hey, all you Jews out there: Anybody want to go to lunch with Herr Hitler?

  • Come here a minute

    Only $10,000.00, Ken? I will bid a fraudulent eleven thousand dollar cashier's check. Do I hear twelve?

  • Limeylizzie

    If I win I shall mention that Rummy tried to put his gnarly old hands on my snatch and then forced my head into his damp crotch, all before dessert.

    • Radio99%

      Job Creation!!1!

    • widestanceshakedown

      "his damp crotch"

      Kudos, LL, you have grossed out a man who prides himself on being impervious to gross.

      • BornInATrailer

        I agree. And it was beautiful in it's simplicity.. all accomplished with the word "damp"

        • widestanceshakedown

          Those British sure have a way with English, don't they? 'Moist' could have given an erotic element, where obviously none is acceptable.

      • Limeylizzie

        Excellent!

    • Guppy

      Those are the kinds of thoughts that make the Heritage Foundation touch themselves at night. And in the office.

    • jaytingle

      Before dessert? Rummy's going to show you: that is dessert.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      You'll need someone to drive you there and back. And film Rummy's attempted shenanigans.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Goddamn. How egomaniacal and perverse is that?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Nearly as egomaniacal and perverse as starting a war on false pretenses and having no idea how to win it, what winning it might mean, or what to do once it was won?

      • Radio99%

        And not paying for it.

  • memzilla

    If we

  • BornInATrailer

    Time to find out if Ensure®boarding is an effective technique.

    • Radio99%

      Enhanced nutrition.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    …yes?

    • memzilla

      … have issues with Derizon, we can't finish a goddam comment.

  • actor212

    They could hold a side auction just to kick him in the nuts. I bet that would raise even more money.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Back when Dumbya left the WH and the economy collapsed, I proposed the revenue raiser of tying the entire Bush administration to industrial-strength seating in a public park and renting bats (and charging admission) for anyone who wished to express their sentiments about the mess they left us in.

      We coulda wiped out the national debt. We COULDA.

  • memzilla

    If we can't fool the auction, can we infiltrate a waiter to make sure Rummy's plate has a big ol' heaping serving of lightly salted poison rat dicks? Bless his heart.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Dust them with warfarin.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    What is Rummy providing for lunch that makes him think that time spent with him would be worth 10Grand?

    • BornInATrailer

      Maybe he's lose the dentures and everyone gets a gummy from Rummy.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And you thought democracy was messy!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I was going to say that, but I'm really, really glad you beat me to it. Because I have to go heave my insides up now.

  • nounverb911

    "Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer,"
    If ever a luncheon deserved a drone strike, this is it.

    (I seem to have hit on a theme today).

    • V572625694

      Proconsul Bremer is answer to the question, "How could anyone possibly fuck things up more thoroughly than Donald Rumsfeld?"

    • flamingpdog

      I'm a man of peace. Let's have some fun with a remote-controlled predator drone dildo strike.

      (I can't believe the first time I typed this I actually typed "I'm a man of piece". Wait, maybe I can believe it.)

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It's a TRAP!!!

    • paris biltong

      It does sound a bit like that TV deal for the teabaggers. Someone should check that Rummy's actually behind this, not some fake war criminal in California or God knows where.

  • magic_titty

    Oh may they be greeted as debilitat-ors.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You don't go to lunch with the people you wish you could, you go to lunch with the people you have.

  • IncenseDebate

    Lunch with Rumsfeld is a bulimic's dream!

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    is this a good idea?
    I don't know

    Should veterans enter the contest?
    who can say

    Do I care more about my personal wealth than anything?
    you betcha stars and garters

    Should I be lynched by an angry mob of veterans?
    I just can't say for sure

    • freakishlywrong

      Should the whole awful lot of you be tried for war crimes?
      White houses don't talk

  • OccupyFnChicken

    He should be safe. I know of no vet that has both $10,000 and a wish to part with it to meet Donald Rumsfeld.

    • Chichikovovich

      The real target of this scam is the cheeto-scarred, callus-thumbed veterans of the 1st battalion, 101'st Chairborne bloggers who still revere him as a great leader.

      • OccupyFnChicken

        Probably salutes every time they hear their anthem, "The Intel Chimes."

  • slithytoves

    I'd pay real money for the strangling.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      What slithytoves just said.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    It'll probably just be a cardboard cutout they have lunch with, so the real Rummy is not in danger. He'll smile and wave from a monitor.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And autograph your copy of the book with an auto-pen, just like the death/sympathy notices he'd send to the families of dead servicemen.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        If not his dick.

    • flamingpdog

      I always thought the real Rummy was a cardboard cutout.

  • ThundercatHo

    Suggested activities for the Vets and Rummy: Attack dog demo, waterboarding with rubbing alcohol and the ever popular, prostate check with a sharp object.

  • teebob2000

    >>Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

    Oh grow up, Wonkette. That's how the real world works, for fuck's sake.

  • HogeyeGrex

    "Buy Donnie BoomBoom lunch for ten large."???

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My Dinner With Don-dray?

  • Pragmatist2

    He was going to auction off his soul when he remembered he had already sold that.

    • DaRooster

      And Cheney ate it for lunch after he purchased it…

  • lulzmonger

    You suck up to vets with the fundraising scam you HAVE, not the fundraising scam you WISH you had.

    Also, there are known scams & unknown scams …

  • BarackMyWorld

    Opening bid… $1!

    • McRibzgood

      You over paid.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Counter-bid: 99 cents!

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation?"

    I thought "Operation iraqi Freedom" was a Donnie's Charity/Foudation. Btw, it is Dubya's Cronies Thursday or what?

    • Guppy

      No, that's a charity to feed starving defense contractors and mercenaries.

  • BarryOPotter

    Hold the goddamn phone! Does this "charity" involve collecting money to give to other nonprofits, taking the finders, users, processing and benevolence fees off the top and tax free, natch? That's a fucking long way to make a buck, Donny: agitate for the war, start the war, turn the war into a complete goat fuck, pass responsibility for the war to some dupe, then raise money for the living victims of the war, just so you can skim a percentage. Really, man? Really? I bet Cheney's even ashamed of you…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, Cheney's proud of him. Maybe even a little jealous.

  • SorosBot

    "Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, "

    That's funny, I didn't realize $10,000 meant "a steaming pile of shit".

  • widestanceshakedown

    I'm a little disappointed the letter was not to 'Dear Jism'

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      or Truck Nutz

      • widestanceshakedown

        Or 'Shit fer brains'

        • DaRooster

          That would be-

          Sincerely Yours,
          Shit fer Brains

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    As far as I can tell, it's just a way for Rummy to get $10,000 for a copy of his shitty book, over lunch.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If I won, I'd take this photo along with me and ask him to autograph it.
    http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/PageMill_Images

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Sweet christ.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Somebody sent a marketing email to the wrong dude…

  • Radio99%

    How much for lunch with ken Layne?

    • chascates

      I'll bring a family pack of BBQ from Texas.

    • Steverino247

      Twenty bucks. Same as Downtown…

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Lordie, did anyone check out the other items? A bunch of lunches and some lithographs. It's like someone cleaned out their closet but thought their shit was too valuable for eBay.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That'll be some lunch with Rumsfeld, since I expect the winning bid from John McCain will mean that Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman will be the other two guests.

    • widestanceshakedown

      McCain is flying all of them in for the occasion.

      • flamingpdog

        We can only hope they were wrong when they said three's the charm.

  • chascates

    How about burying Rummy in a 'man-sized safe' filled with aspartame?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      H2SO4.

  • Callyson

    memorabilia, historic photos and more
    Unreleased photos from Abu Ghraib or GTFO.

  • McRibzgood

    "There are known people touring my office; there are people we know are touring my office. We also know there are people that haven't toured my office; that is to say we know they haven't been in my office. But there are also unknown unknown people that have toured my office – the ones we don't know we don't know if they have toured my office".

    -Donald Rumsfeld-

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      I want to tour his anus with something sharp and wide.

  • Mahousu

    Political and defense leaders … are auctioning intimate experiences to raise funds.
    So was the DC Madam.

  • freakishlywrong

    Whadda terrible dick.

  • McRibzgood

    It's supposta be a lunch and quick tour but it will last for 10 years.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      I wish I had more upthumbs to give you.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    "….which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more…."

    Much of it formerly in the National Museum of Iraq

  • El Pinche

    Lunch with Rumsfeld marketing press release in your email? ZZzzzZZz Boooring. If I look at my spam bin right now … I see that FleshLight Beta v4.1 comes out next month and Penis Packer is 20% off in November.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'll bet the motherfucker uses the money to throw himself a parade, as he doesn't feel America has sufficiently thanked him enough. I'd have lunch with that war criminal — if it was held in The Hague.

    • flamingpdog

      In a cage.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Didn't he once say something about the Iraqis not being grateful enough?

  • chascates

    How about some charity for corporations?
    Even if it only spurred buying of yachts and private jets, an overseas profit repatriation tax holiday would give a worthwhile boost to the U.S. economy, Republican Senator John McCain said on Tuesday. http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/09/us-wash

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      One of my standard snarks — buying jewelry, yachts and jets is job creatin' — and this fucker wants to make it real. Gaaaah.

  • DaRooster

    "They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown."

    So he didn't go with the title- "Known and Blown Away"?

    • flamingpdog

      I can't wait for Marcus's book, "Blown and Unblown".

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I think you've got the title wrong. I think the ACTUAL title is Unblown.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The sequel to My Dinner With Andre…. "My Lunch With An Incompetent War Criminal"

  • McRibzgood

    Knowing Rummy past he'll order lunch from LaPlaza and then go to Ollie's Trolly to pick it up.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "auctioning intimate experiences"

    Well, they can't peddle this on Craigslist, so that explains the e-mail.

    • flamingpdog

      When I read that line in Ken's post, I vomited. And it wasn't in my mouth, nor was it a little.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The byline at the top says "Ken Layne," but I'm not all depressed or on the phone with the suicide Hotline, so I call bullshit.

  • McRibzgood

    He'll fuck up that too.

  • paris biltong

    After all is said and done, this is what it comes down to: lunch. Up against the fucking wall Bush, Cheney, Rummy and the rest. No last meal for you.

  • BornInATrailer

    Bush will come barging in at 12:01 and knock over the soup tureen under a "Lunch Accomplished" banner.

  • meatlofer

    Rummy missed his big break, when he didn't go fishing with Uncle Ted in Alaska.

  • DahBoner

    Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

    Is that what all the young, limbless veteran kids are calling it?

  • James Michael Curley

    I'm considering going "Full Rambo" for Veterans Day this year. If they don't get the message I'll do it wearing my Postal Uniform.

  • HogeyeGrex

    The real question is, after lunch, does he stick you with the $800 wine bill?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Isn't that the Republican thing to do?

      After all, they stuck us with the war bill.

  • LiveToServeYa

    It sounds like the cement of his Foundation is half-baked and kinda shaky.

  • barto

    I'd like to write the forward for that tome:

    "What is known is that Donald Rumsfeld is an incredible dick. What is unknown is the exact extent of his dickishness."

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Lunching with war criminals still comes a distant second to collecting serial killer memorabilia.

  • Steverino247

    I'm a vet with 10K but I don't want to tempt myself by getting that close to the sonofabitch. Besides, the guy who got stuck cleaning up the mess that asshole made, Barack Obama, offered me lunch for three bucks. (I gave him 50.)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Stay away from that piece of shit, you've done enough and suffered enough in serving your country. Besides, jail food is truly awful.

  • Antispandex

    It makes me nostalgic for the times when vets could just drag out an asshole like this, apply some tar and feathers, and bum rush the bastards out of town.

  • owhatever

    Hi, there. Congratulations on winning the office tour. Over there is my desk, at which I sit. And just behind it you will see my chair, in which I sit at my desk. Thanks for playing. Goodbye, and God bless America.

  • flamingpdog

    Hi Ken–

    Hope all is well!

    Soooo, our own Ken Layne is on a first name basis with Rummy ….

  • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    I'd buy that for a Dollar.

  • ttommyunger

    Rumsfeld and Bremmer: cunt and cunt lite.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

    The shamelessness of these people knows no bounds. I have only one question.

    Will they provide the piano wire, silk scarf, or other instrument of garottement?

  • not that Dewey

    Does he eat standing up?

  • southernbeale

    Love how this is benefitting the Rumsfeld Foundation! I'll bet it is!

    Suckaz….