a very happy veterans day

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

In happier days.We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more.” So we just come up with the winning bid and then, say, let a bunch of Iraq/Afghanistan homeless veterans into Rumsfeld’s office to show their love? This is for a Good Cause!

Hi Ken–

Hope all is well! With Veterans Day this Friday, Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer, and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are hitting the auction block at charitybuzz.com to raise funds for nonprofit organizations dedicated to providing veteran soldiers with support. I thought this could make a timely piece for Wonkette. We’d love your help spreading the word! Details below….

charitybuzz, the leading destination for online charity auctions, has launched its first annual “Veterans’ Remembrance Auction” in honor of the women and men who have served our country in one of the branches of the military. Proceeds from this auction will benefit nonprofits that work to meet the needs of retired military through through health, education, housing and rehabilitation services.

Political and defense leaders including Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are auctioning intimate experiences to raise funds. Bidding is open from Nov. 2 through Nov. 16 at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/auctions/veteransremembrance

Auction Highlights include:

Lunch with Donald Rumsfeld in D.C.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more. They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown.

Auction proceeds will benefit the Rumsfeld Foundation. Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, is open at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/275001no

Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

Okay, time to regroup. The cashier’s check payment must be fraudulent, but convincing enough (“Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies, a 501c political action committee”) so that Rumsfeld’s hemorrhoids will pucker at the mere sight of the $10,000 check. Then the dozen or so permanently maimed veterans of Rumsfeld’s clusterfucks will be ushered in and advised to make use of their commando training with whatever objects they find in Rumsfeld’s office. Good luck, veterans! Have lots of fun!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Tundra Grifter

    Second Prize – TWO lunches with Rummy.

    PS: Does his "charity" purchase copies of his own book at full retail price? Did he learn anything else from Herman Cain?

  2. carlgt1

    ugh, what's next, Robert McNamara offers Vietnam War vets a lunch date? Kissinger offers any survivors of Pinochet's regime dinner?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm holding out for lunch with Cheney. I have a briefcase-sized EMP generator I want to try out.

  3. Come here a minute

    Only $10,000.00, Ken? I will bid a fraudulent eleven thousand dollar cashier's check. Do I hear twelve?

  4. Limeylizzie

    If I win I shall mention that Rummy tried to put his gnarly old hands on my snatch and then forced my head into his damp crotch, all before dessert.

    1. widestanceshakedown

      "his damp crotch"

      Kudos, LL, you have grossed out a man who prides himself on being impervious to gross.

        1. widestanceshakedown

          Those British sure have a way with English, don't they? 'Moist' could have given an erotic element, where obviously none is acceptable.

    2. Guppy

      Those are the kinds of thoughts that make the Heritage Foundation touch themselves at night. And in the office.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Nearly as egomaniacal and perverse as starting a war on false pretenses and having no idea how to win it, what winning it might mean, or what to do once it was won?

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Back when Dumbya left the WH and the economy collapsed, I proposed the revenue raiser of tying the entire Bush administration to industrial-strength seating in a public park and renting bats (and charging admission) for anyone who wished to express their sentiments about the mess they left us in.

      We coulda wiped out the national debt. We COULDA.

  5. memzilla

    If we can't fool the auction, can we infiltrate a waiter to make sure Rummy's plate has a big ol' heaping serving of lightly salted poison rat dicks? Bless his heart.

  6. nounverb911

    "Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer,"
    If ever a luncheon deserved a drone strike, this is it.

    (I seem to have hit on a theme today).

    1. V572625694

      Proconsul Bremer is answer to the question, "How could anyone possibly fuck things up more thoroughly than Donald Rumsfeld?"

    2. flamingpdog

      I'm a man of peace. Let's have some fun with a remote-controlled predator drone dildo strike.

      (I can't believe the first time I typed this I actually typed "I'm a man of piece". Wait, maybe I can believe it.)

    1. paris biltong

      It does sound a bit like that TV deal for the teabaggers. Someone should check that Rummy's actually behind this, not some fake war criminal in California or God knows where.

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You don't go to lunch with the people you wish you could, you go to lunch with the people you have.

  8. HobbesEvilTwin

    is this a good idea?
    I don't know

    Should veterans enter the contest?
    who can say

    Do I care more about my personal wealth than anything?
    you betcha stars and garters

    Should I be lynched by an angry mob of veterans?
    I just can't say for sure

  9. OccupyFnChicken

    He should be safe. I know of no vet that has both $10,000 and a wish to part with it to meet Donald Rumsfeld.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The real target of this scam is the cheeto-scarred, callus-thumbed veterans of the 1st battalion, 101'st Chairborne bloggers who still revere him as a great leader.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      And autograph your copy of the book with an auto-pen, just like the death/sympathy notices he'd send to the families of dead servicemen.

  10. ThundercatHo

    Suggested activities for the Vets and Rummy: Attack dog demo, waterboarding with rubbing alcohol and the ever popular, prostate check with a sharp object.

  11. teebob2000

    >>Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

    Oh grow up, Wonkette. That's how the real world works, for fuck's sake.

  12. lulzmonger

    You suck up to vets with the fundraising scam you HAVE, not the fundraising scam you WISH you had.

    Also, there are known scams & unknown scams …

  13. Chillwaver

    "Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation?"

    I thought "Operation iraqi Freedom" was a Donnie's Charity/Foudation. Btw, it is Dubya's Cronies Thursday or what?

  14. BarryOPotter

    Hold the goddamn phone! Does this "charity" involve collecting money to give to other nonprofits, taking the finders, users, processing and benevolence fees off the top and tax free, natch? That's a fucking long way to make a buck, Donny: agitate for the war, start the war, turn the war into a complete goat fuck, pass responsibility for the war to some dupe, then raise money for the living victims of the war, just so you can skim a percentage. Really, man? Really? I bet Cheney's even ashamed of you…

  15. SorosBot

    "Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, "

    That's funny, I didn't realize $10,000 meant "a steaming pile of shit".

  16. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Lordie, did anyone check out the other items? A bunch of lunches and some lithographs. It's like someone cleaned out their closet but thought their shit was too valuable for eBay.

  17. OneYieldRegular

    That'll be some lunch with Rumsfeld, since I expect the winning bid from John McCain will mean that Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman will be the other two guests.

  18. McRibzgood

    "There are known people touring my office; there are people we know are touring my office. We also know there are people that haven't toured my office; that is to say we know they haven't been in my office. But there are also unknown unknown people that have toured my office – the ones we don't know we don't know if they have toured my office".

    -Donald Rumsfeld-

  19. Blueb4sunrise

    "….which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more…."

    Much of it formerly in the National Museum of Iraq

  20. El Pinche

    Lunch with Rumsfeld marketing press release in your email? ZZzzzZZz Boooring. If I look at my spam bin right now … I see that FleshLight Beta v4.1 comes out next month and Penis Packer is 20% off in November.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    I'll bet the motherfucker uses the money to throw himself a parade, as he doesn't feel America has sufficiently thanked him enough. I'd have lunch with that war criminal — if it was held in The Hague.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      One of my standard snarks — buying jewelry, yachts and jets is job creatin' — and this fucker wants to make it real. Gaaaah.

  22. DaRooster

    "They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown."

    So he didn't go with the title- "Known and Blown Away"?

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "auctioning intimate experiences"

    Well, they can't peddle this on Craigslist, so that explains the e-mail.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    The byline at the top says "Ken Layne," but I'm not all depressed or on the phone with the suicide Hotline, so I call bullshit.

  25. paris biltong

    After all is said and done, this is what it comes down to: lunch. Up against the fucking wall Bush, Cheney, Rummy and the rest. No last meal for you.

  26. BornInATrailer

    Bush will come barging in at 12:01 and knock over the soup tureen under a "Lunch Accomplished" banner.

  27. James Michael Curley

    I'm considering going "Full Rambo" for Veterans Day this year. If they don't get the message I'll do it wearing my Postal Uniform.

  28. barto

    I'd like to write the forward for that tome:

    "What is known is that Donald Rumsfeld is an incredible dick. What is unknown is the exact extent of his dickishness."

  29. Steverino247

    I'm a vet with 10K but I don't want to tempt myself by getting that close to the sonofabitch. Besides, the guy who got stuck cleaning up the mess that asshole made, Barack Obama, offered me lunch for three bucks. (I gave him 50.)

  30. Antispandex

    It makes me nostalgic for the times when vets could just drag out an asshole like this, apply some tar and feathers, and bum rush the bastards out of town.

  31. owhatever

    Hi, there. Congratulations on winning the office tour. Over there is my desk, at which I sit. And just behind it you will see my chair, in which I sit at my desk. Thanks for playing. Goodbye, and God bless America.

Comments are closed.