A VERY HAPPY VETERANS DAY  1:59 pm November 10, 2011

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

by Ken Layne

In happier days.We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more.” So we just come up with the winning bid and then, say, let a bunch of Iraq/Afghanistan homeless veterans into Rumsfeld’s office to show their love? This is for a Good Cause!

Hi Ken–

Hope all is well! With Veterans Day this Friday, Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer, and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are hitting the auction block at charitybuzz.com to raise funds for nonprofit organizations dedicated to providing veteran soldiers with support. I thought this could make a timely piece for Wonkette. We’d love your help spreading the word! Details below….

charitybuzz, the leading destination for online charity auctions, has launched its first annual “Veterans’ Remembrance Auction” in honor of the women and men who have served our country in one of the branches of the military. Proceeds from this auction will benefit nonprofits that work to meet the needs of retired military through through health, education, housing and rehabilitation services.

Political and defense leaders including Former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer and Pulitzer Prize Winner David Hume Kennerly are auctioning intimate experiences to raise funds. Bidding is open from Nov. 2 through Nov. 16 at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/auctions/veteransremembrance

Auction Highlights include:

Lunch with Donald Rumsfeld in D.C.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more. They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown.

Auction proceeds will benefit the Rumsfeld Foundation. Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, is open at: http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/275001no

Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

Okay, time to regroup. The cashier’s check payment must be fraudulent, but convincing enough (“Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies, a 501c political action committee”) so that Rumsfeld’s hemorrhoids will pucker at the mere sight of the $10,000 check. Then the dozen or so permanently maimed veterans of Rumsfeld’s clusterfucks will be ushered in and advised to make use of their commando training with whatever objects they find in Rumsfeld’s office. Good luck, veterans! Have lots of fun!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 136 comments }

Tundra Grifter November 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Second Prize – TWO lunches with Rummy.

PS: Does his "charity" purchase copies of his own book at full retail price? Did he learn anything else from Herman Cain?

carlgt1 November 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

ugh, what's next, Robert McNamara offers Vietnam War vets a lunch date? Kissinger offers any survivors of Pinochet's regime dinner?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

McNamara dines in Hell.

KathrynSane November 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

And Kissinger will be soon enough.

paris biltong November 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

There's still not-so-innocent Colin Powell, who could offer to give head to crippled vets.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 11:57 pm

From your lips to the ear of any intelligent lifeform with access.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 11:56 pm

On hot coals, I hope.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I'm holding out for lunch with Cheney. I have a briefcase-sized EMP generator I want to try out.

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 9:03 am

The perfect gift for the man who has everything, except a pulse.

4TheTurnstiles November 10, 2011 at 2:02 pm

You go to lunch with the army you have.

OneDollarJuana November 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

So, is it true that a leather sap filled with sand will pass through a metal detector?

HogeyeGrex November 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I'm sure Rummy goes through them all the time at the airport.

jqheywood November 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Points. Serious points. Maximum upfistiness for you.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Not a leatherY sap, dear.

Schmannnity November 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Given his and Cheney's predictions for Iraq, I am thinking Crow croquettes as a main course?

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Hey, all you Jews out there: Anybody want to go to lunch with Herr Hitler?

Come here a minute November 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Only $10,000.00, Ken? I will bid a fraudulent eleven thousand dollar cashier's check. Do I hear twelve?

Limeylizzie November 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

If I win I shall mention that Rummy tried to put his gnarly old hands on my snatch and then forced my head into his damp crotch, all before dessert.

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Job Creation!!1!

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"his damp crotch"

Kudos, LL, you have grossed out a man who prides himself on being impervious to gross.

BornInATrailer November 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I agree. And it was beautiful in it's simplicity.. all accomplished with the word "damp"

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Those British sure have a way with English, don't they? 'Moist' could have given an erotic element, where obviously none is acceptable.

Limeylizzie November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Excellent!

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Those are the kinds of thoughts that make the Heritage Foundation touch themselves at night. And in the office.

jaytingle November 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Before dessert? Rummy's going to show you: that is dessert.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 11:58 pm

You'll need someone to drive you there and back. And film Rummy's attempted shenanigans.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Goddamn. How egomaniacal and perverse is that?

HogeyeGrex November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Nearly as egomaniacal and perverse as starting a war on false pretenses and having no idea how to win it, what winning it might mean, or what to do once it was won?

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

And not paying for it.

memzilla November 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

If we

BornInATrailer November 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Time to find out if Ensure®boarding is an effective technique.

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Enhanced nutrition.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

…yes?

memzilla November 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

… have issues with Derizon, we can't finish a goddam comment.

actor212 November 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

They could hold a side auction just to kick him in the nuts. I bet that would raise even more money.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

Back when Dumbya left the WH and the economy collapsed, I proposed the revenue raiser of tying the entire Bush administration to industrial-strength seating in a public park and renting bats (and charging admission) for anyone who wished to express their sentiments about the mess they left us in.

We coulda wiped out the national debt. We COULDA.

memzilla November 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

If we can't fool the auction, can we infiltrate a waiter to make sure Rummy's plate has a big ol' heaping serving of lightly salted poison rat dicks? Bless his heart.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

Dust them with warfarin.

Maman November 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

What is Rummy providing for lunch that makes him think that time spent with him would be worth 10Grand?

BornInATrailer November 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Maybe he's lose the dentures and everyone gets a gummy from Rummy.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

And you thought democracy was messy!

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:02 am

I was going to say that, but I'm really, really glad you beat me to it. Because I have to go heave my insides up now.

nounverb911 November 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

"Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Ambassador Paul Bremer,"
If ever a luncheon deserved a drone strike, this is it.

(I seem to have hit on a theme today).

V572625694 November 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Proconsul Bremer is answer to the question, "How could anyone possibly fuck things up more thoroughly than Donald Rumsfeld?"

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I'm a man of peace. Let's have some fun with a remote-controlled predator drone dildo strike.

(I can't believe the first time I typed this I actually typed "I'm a man of piece". Wait, maybe I can believe it.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

It's a TRAP!!!

paris biltong November 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

It does sound a bit like that TV deal for the teabaggers. Someone should check that Rummy's actually behind this, not some fake war criminal in California or God knows where.

magic_titty November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Oh may they be greeted as debilitat-ors.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You don't go to lunch with the people you wish you could, you go to lunch with the people you have.

IncenseDebate November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Lunch with Rumsfeld is a bulimic's dream!

HobbesEvilTwin November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

is this a good idea?
I don't know

Should veterans enter the contest?
who can say

Do I care more about my personal wealth than anything?
you betcha stars and garters

Should I be lynched by an angry mob of veterans?
I just can't say for sure

freakishlywrong November 10, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Should the whole awful lot of you be tried for war crimes?
White houses don't talk

OccupyFnChicken November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

He should be safe. I know of no vet that has both $10,000 and a wish to part with it to meet Donald Rumsfeld.

Chichikovovich November 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

The real target of this scam is the cheeto-scarred, callus-thumbed veterans of the 1st battalion, 101'st Chairborne bloggers who still revere him as a great leader.

OccupyFnChicken November 10, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Probably salutes every time they hear their anthem, "The Intel Chimes."

slithytoves November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I'd pay real money for the strangling.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:04 am

What slithytoves just said.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

It'll probably just be a cardboard cutout they have lunch with, so the real Rummy is not in danger. He'll smile and wave from a monitor.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

And autograph your copy of the book with an auto-pen, just like the death/sympathy notices he'd send to the families of dead servicemen.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:04 am

If not his dick.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I always thought the real Rummy was a cardboard cutout.

ThundercatHo November 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Suggested activities for the Vets and Rummy: Attack dog demo, waterboarding with rubbing alcohol and the ever popular, prostate check with a sharp object.

teebob2000 November 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

>>Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation? A fucking TAX SCAM to continue enriching DONALD RUMSFELD?

Oh grow up, Wonkette. That's how the real world works, for fuck's sake.

HogeyeGrex November 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

"Buy Donnie BoomBoom lunch for ten large."???

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

My Dinner With Don-dray?

Pragmatist2 November 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

He was going to auction off his soul when he remembered he had already sold that.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm

And Cheney ate it for lunch after he purchased it…

lulzmonger November 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

You suck up to vets with the fundraising scam you HAVE, not the fundraising scam you WISH you had.

Also, there are known scams & unknown scams …

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Opening bid… $1!

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

You over paid.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:06 am

Counter-bid: 99 cents!

Chillwaver November 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"Uhh, so the “charity” is Donald Fucking Rumsfeld’s own foundation?"

I thought "Operation iraqi Freedom" was a Donnie's Charity/Foudation. Btw, it is Dubya's Cronies Thursday or what?

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

No, that's a charity to feed starving defense contractors and mercenaries.

BarryOPotter November 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Hold the goddamn phone! Does this "charity" involve collecting money to give to other nonprofits, taking the finders, users, processing and benevolence fees off the top and tax free, natch? That's a fucking long way to make a buck, Donny: agitate for the war, start the war, turn the war into a complete goat fuck, pass responsibility for the war to some dupe, then raise money for the living victims of the war, just so you can skim a percentage. Really, man? Really? I bet Cheney's even ashamed of you…

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

No, Cheney's proud of him. Maybe even a little jealous.

SorosBot November 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"Bidding on the experience, valued at $10,000, "

That's funny, I didn't realize $10,000 meant "a steaming pile of shit".

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I'm a little disappointed the letter was not to 'Dear Jism'

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:28 pm

or Truck Nutz

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Or 'Shit fer brains'

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 2:38 pm

That would be-

Sincerely Yours,
Shit fer Brains

starfanglednut November 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

As far as I can tell, it's just a way for Rummy to get $10,000 for a copy of his shitty book, over lunch.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

If I won, I'd take this photo along with me and ask him to autograph it.
http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/PageMill_Images

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:07 am

Sweet christ.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Somebody sent a marketing email to the wrong dude…

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:19 pm

How much for lunch with ken Layne?

chascates November 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I'll bring a family pack of BBQ from Texas.

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Twenty bucks. Same as Downtown…

CrankyLttlCamperette November 10, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Lordie, did anyone check out the other items? A bunch of lunches and some lithographs. It's like someone cleaned out their closet but thought their shit was too valuable for eBay.

OneYieldRegular November 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

That'll be some lunch with Rumsfeld, since I expect the winning bid from John McCain will mean that Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman will be the other two guests.

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

McCain is flying all of them in for the occasion.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm

We can only hope they were wrong when they said three's the charm.

chascates November 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

How about burying Rummy in a 'man-sized safe' filled with aspartame?

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:08 am

H2SO4.

Callyson November 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

memorabilia, historic photos and more
Unreleased photos from Abu Ghraib or GTFO.

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 2:24 pm

"There are known people touring my office; there are people we know are touring my office. We also know there are people that haven't toured my office; that is to say we know they haven't been in my office. But there are also unknown unknown people that have toured my office – the ones we don't know we don't know if they have toured my office".

-Donald Rumsfeld-

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:08 am

I want to tour his anus with something sharp and wide.

Mahousu November 10, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Political and defense leaders … are auctioning intimate experiences to raise funds.
So was the DC Madam.

freakishlywrong November 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Whadda terrible dick.

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 2:29 pm

It's supposta be a lunch and quick tour but it will last for 10 years.

CrankyLttlCamperette November 10, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I wish I had more upthumbs to give you.

Blueb4sunrise November 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

"….which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more…."

Much of it formerly in the National Museum of Iraq

El Pinche November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Lunch with Rumsfeld marketing press release in your email? ZZzzzZZz Boooring. If I look at my spam bin right now … I see that FleshLight Beta v4.1 comes out next month and Penis Packer is 20% off in November.

SayItWithWookies November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I'll bet the motherfucker uses the money to throw himself a parade, as he doesn't feel America has sufficiently thanked him enough. I'd have lunch with that war criminal — if it was held in The Hague.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

In a cage.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

Didn't he once say something about the Iraqis not being grateful enough?

chascates November 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

How about some charity for corporations?
Even if it only spurred buying of yachts and private jets, an overseas profit repatriation tax holiday would give a worthwhile boost to the U.S. economy, Republican Senator John McCain said on Tuesday. http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/09/us-wash

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:56 pm

One of my standard snarks — buying jewelry, yachts and jets is job creatin' — and this fucker wants to make it real. Gaaaah.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

"They will also all receive a personally inscribed copy of his latest book, Known and Unknown."

So he didn't go with the title- "Known and Blown Away"?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I can't wait for Marcus's book, "Blown and Unblown".

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:10 am

I think you've got the title wrong. I think the ACTUAL title is Unblown.

ManchuCandidate November 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm

The sequel to My Dinner With Andre…. "My Lunch With An Incompetent War Criminal"

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Knowing Rummy past he'll order lunch from LaPlaza and then go to Ollie's Trolly to pick it up.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:38 pm

"auctioning intimate experiences"

Well, they can't peddle this on Craigslist, so that explains the e-mail.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:31 pm

When I read that line in Ken's post, I vomited. And it wasn't in my mouth, nor was it a little.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm

The byline at the top says "Ken Layne," but I'm not all depressed or on the phone with the suicide Hotline, so I call bullshit.

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 2:40 pm

He'll fuck up that too.

paris biltong November 10, 2011 at 2:44 pm

After all is said and done, this is what it comes down to: lunch. Up against the fucking wall Bush, Cheney, Rummy and the rest. No last meal for you.

BornInATrailer November 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Bush will come barging in at 12:01 and knock over the soup tureen under a "Lunch Accomplished" banner.

meatlofer November 10, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Rummy missed his big break, when he didn't go fishing with Uncle Ted in Alaska.

DahBoner November 10, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

Is that what all the young, limbless veteran kids are calling it?

James Michael Curley November 10, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I'm considering going "Full Rambo" for Veterans Day this year. If they don't get the message I'll do it wearing my Postal Uniform.

HogeyeGrex November 10, 2011 at 3:19 pm

The real question is, after lunch, does he stick you with the $800 wine bill?

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:11 am

Isn't that the Republican thing to do?

After all, they stuck us with the war bill.

LiveToServeYa November 10, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It sounds like the cement of his Foundation is half-baked and kinda shaky.

barto November 10, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I'd like to write the forward for that tome:

"What is known is that Donald Rumsfeld is an incredible dick. What is unknown is the exact extent of his dickishness."

slowhansolo November 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Lunching with war criminals still comes a distant second to collecting serial killer memorabilia.

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I'm a vet with 10K but I don't want to tempt myself by getting that close to the sonofabitch. Besides, the guy who got stuck cleaning up the mess that asshole made, Barack Obama, offered me lunch for three bucks. (I gave him 50.)

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:29 am

Stay away from that piece of shit, you've done enough and suffered enough in serving your country. Besides, jail food is truly awful.

Antispandex November 10, 2011 at 4:17 pm

It makes me nostalgic for the times when vets could just drag out an asshole like this, apply some tar and feathers, and bum rush the bastards out of town.

owhatever November 10, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Hi, there. Congratulations on winning the office tour. Over there is my desk, at which I sit. And just behind it you will see my chair, in which I sit at my desk. Thanks for playing. Goodbye, and God bless America.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Hi Ken–

Hope all is well!

Soooo, our own Ken Layne is on a first name basis with Rummy ….

Dr_pangloss November 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I'd buy that for a Dollar.

ttommyunger November 10, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Rumsfeld and Bremmer: cunt and cunt lite.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 11:55 pm

The shamelessness of these people knows no bounds. I have only one question.

Will they provide the piano wire, silk scarf, or other instrument of garottement?

not that Dewey November 11, 2011 at 9:07 am

Does he eat standing up?

southernbeale November 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

Love how this is benefitting the Rumsfeld Foundation! I'll bet it is!

Suckaz….

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