Sad news for American blastocysts, guys. Accidental zygotes are still not as sacred as you and I, now that the normals in Mississippi — whose existence was considered apocryphal until Tuesday’s election — have decided they’ve had just about enough of the pushy nuts behind up-and-coming fetus cargo cult Personhood USA. Final tally: a 59%-41% defeat of the Personhood Amendment that would have elevated the valued single-celled members of our communities to full 5/5ths American citizenship with the full Constitutional rights to catastrophic student loans and a diet entirely composed of corn syrup. Mississippians decided that sending pregnant women to prison for the crime of filling an Ortho Evra prescription was, maybe, a tad completely crazy. It probably didn’t help that the campaign’s presumably paid spokespeople mostly had no idea what they were talking about. Well, at least not enough to lie convincingly about their terrible proposal so that people might actually on purpose vote for it.
No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw, and moving on to the next off-brand state and the next off-year election. Hey, how about Florida? 2014, perhaps?! Surely the people silly enough to put Medicare cheat and all-around ridiculous apparition Rick Scott into office would be amenable to a heaping helping of the feel-goodsies that come from saving poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children?
Though Personhood Florida attempted an amendment last year, it never made it to the ballot, due to a lack of signatures and no real support from state legislators or big-name anti-abortion groups.