SAD FACE  12:49 pm November 10, 2011

Personhood USA To Host Next Personhood Defeat In Florida

by Wonkette Jr.

Only one can understand Freedumb.Sad news for American blastocysts, guys. Accidental zygotes are still not as sacred as you and I, now that the normals in Mississippi — whose existence was considered apocryphal until Tuesday’s election — have decided they’ve had just about enough of the pushy nuts behind up-and-coming fetus cargo cult Personhood USA. Final tally: a 59%-41% defeat of the Personhood Amendment that would have elevated the valued single-celled members of our communities to full 5/5ths American citizenship with the full Constitutional rights to catastrophic student loans and a diet entirely composed of corn syrup. Mississippians decided that sending pregnant women to prison for the crime of filling an Ortho Evra prescription was, maybe, a tad completely crazy. It probably didn’t help that the campaign’s presumably paid spokespeople mostly had no idea what they were talking about. Well, at least not enough to lie convincingly about their terrible proposal so that people might actually on purpose vote for it.

No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw, and moving on to the next off-brand state and the next off-year election. Hey, how about Florida? 2014, perhaps?! Surely the people silly enough to put Medicare cheat and all-around ridiculous apparition Rick Scott into office would be amenable to a heaping helping of the feel-goodsies that come from saving poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children?

Oh, for real?

Though Personhood Florida attempted an amendment last year, it never made it to the ballot, due to a lack of signatures and no real support from state legislators or big-name anti-abortion groups.

Hmm. Sounds like things aren’t quite falling into place there, PUSA. Maybe try Alabama, in 1998. [ThinkProgress/Washington Independent]

 
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{ 98 comments }

nounverb911 November 10, 2011 at 12:52 pm

The only way this passes is if blastocysts are old enough to vote in Florida.

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 1:35 pm

They'd need a photo ID first.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

And a birth certificate.

NorthStarSpanx November 10, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I was looking forward to getting pregnant on purpose with unwanted multiples just so I could cast our votes against conservative causes. . .choice, works many ways.

AmericanBeauty November 13, 2011 at 2:07 am

Blastocysts have a well-known Republican bias, you know. GOTV!!!

Callyson November 10, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Last Tuesday night, I was briefly concerned that the wingnuts would realize that their extremism is alienating voters, and would do a better job of disguising their agenda. Glad to see my worries are unfounded. Feeling better about 2012 than I have in a long time…

fuflans November 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

yeah me too. though as i noted elsewhere on the wonkette, the media have been surprisingly shy about finding any liberal pattern in the 2011 elections.

and by 'surprising' i mean entirely predictable.

datateday November 10, 2011 at 6:45 pm

You can't disguise crazy.

hollywooddood November 10, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Keep your big government hands out of my PUSA.

nounverb911 November 10, 2011 at 1:01 pm

What about Herman Cain's?

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 1:35 pm

FORZA PUSA!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

And, really, shouldn't it be Personhood, US Youth?

jjdaddyo November 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Keep your big government hands off my FUPA, also.

nounverb911 November 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

PUSA? Is there a cure for that?

Fare la Volpe November 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

DIK?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Actually, there are a couple of pills you can take that will clear it right up.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I don't think all these negative-nine-month-olds would do much to alter the average age of Floridians, but they'd sure make the next census an interesting exercise.

starfanglednut November 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Calculating the mean: how does it work?

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 1:01 pm

It's not a choice, it's a proto-child.

Mumbletypeg November 10, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Is there some sadistic streak in tandem with the activism of this rabidly overzealous warrior clan, that they want see more people breed so that there's never a shortage of human cattle to manipulate, bilk and demonize? Otherwise, jeez, I could swear this was at cross-purposes with a number of materially-enhancing, humanely empowering life qualities courtesy of the latter century.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:28 pm

These goobers were just not all that into the late 20th century.

KotBR November 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Now that SB 5 is dead in Ohio, I was kind of hoping this idiocy would make its way here, to give us Godless liberals something to campaign and canvas against. We do much better when all riled up.

ChernobylSoup November 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

You got a beloved but morally bankrupt football coach you can fire? That seems to work.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:17 pm
SorosBot November 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

And then you can have a bunch of idiot frat boys riot over the firing, since apparently winning football is much more important than the minor issue of child rape.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm

So, is their theme song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba?

Fare la Volpe November 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

More like "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo.

They do love the littlest of girls.

SorosBot November 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

And hate the grown ones.

Mumbletypeg November 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Chumbawamba

Dunno, but Stuef is still waiting "…for them to get back up again."

ifthethunderdontgetya November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Yeah, they aren't deterred.

They're da turd.
~

freakishlywrong November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Oh for fucks sake. Get the hell out of our lives. Everywhere. GO AWAY.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

As Sean Connery put it so well, all those years ago:

PUSA? I must be dreaming.

chascates November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Z-Y-G-O-T-E——Zygote!

James Michael Curley November 10, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!

Most popular cheer at the Bowl Games this year.

freakishlywrong November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw
That sounds…dirty.

Mumbletypeg November 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm

" 'Dust' is dirt too, my friends!"

yeah. . . pretty awful..

Come here a minute November 10, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I've got millions and millions of half-votes to help this thing pass!

Fare la Volpe November 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm

A million votes, three times a day, four times on weekends.

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Unsurprisingly, they're all absentee ballots too.

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Or 3/5th's votes.

HELisforHEL November 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Quite happily surprised that Mississippi rejected this "Fish Is People Too!" amendment. Between this and the constant conservatard debates perhaps some folks are finally figuring out that these people are mad, bad & dangerous to (vote for).

fuflans November 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

a lord byron joke!

cheers!

Blueb4sunrise November 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Lets combine the two and have eight blastocysts debate the issue.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

The oldz in Florida would never go for it. It would just mean more competition for non-soild foods at the Old Country Buffet.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

There's competition for non-soiled foods? Things are worse than I thought in Floriduh.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Question: Are these people for realz, or is this some sort of failed Karl Rove GOTV thing to motivate the Republican base (of crazy-stupid fucks)?

poncho_pilot November 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

if at first you don't succeed…fail, fail again.

"fetus cargo cult." these are the Wonkette moments that keep me coming back.

Radio99% November 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Exactly, they are just following gawd's little idea. Since a good portion of conceptions fail au natural, no reason why you shouldn't try to breed again.

poncho_pilot November 10, 2011 at 2:42 pm

"Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. (In medical articles, you may see the term "spontaneous abortion" used in place of miscarriage.) About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.

This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before a pregnancy becomes established. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time."

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

The coroners are gonna be mighty busy, investigating all those homicides and accidental deaths.

poncho_pilot November 10, 2011 at 2:44 pm

but really, i think it's about controlling women with the added side effect of moar white babies. even though this law would probably guarantee more brown babies.
in short, what a bunch of assholes.

JustPixelz November 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm

When the Repubicans win elections, they're all "the people have spoken". When they lose, it's "let's try again in Florida".

Well, listen up Person USA: Voters are people, my friend. And they vote.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I'm not entirely convinced that those already living in Florida can be classified as actual persons in the first place.

fuflans November 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm

PUSA i know you're committed to life and all, but do we really need more floridians?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

As much as we needed more Mississippians.
Point is, THEY want more of 'em.

McRibzgood November 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Keep PUSA outta PUSSY!

VaWyo November 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

A person is a person. A zygote is not a person. A corporation is not a person. I really can't take anymore of these idiots.

starfanglednut November 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

It's the basic definitions that confuse them.

SayItWithWookies November 10, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I can't wait for them to propose a Constitutional amendment giving full legal rights to placentas. That's a human life, too — and what horrible monsters just throw them in the trash when they're done? This barbarism has gone on long enough!

hagajim November 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Maybe we ought to try giving full Constitutional Rights to the gheyz first…wait?

OneYieldRegular November 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

This is such inspiring news that I'm going to skip lunch just to go have an abortion.

Sharkey November 10, 2011 at 1:35 pm

You know how many calories are in those things?!

hagajim November 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Looks like its PUSA Galore for the USA USA.

EatsBabyDingos November 10, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Why not go all in and define sperm as people? Oh, wait, that would criminalize the conduct of 150 million men, and we can't have that. Wicked strumpets.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Good thing the sperm can't verbalize, or we'd be deafened by the cries of agony coming from crusty gym socks across the nation.

BornInATrailer November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Please, think of the knuckle children.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Relax — it's only when sperm and egg unite in holy matrimony that you get a real live American.

starfanglednut November 10, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Does that mean black fetuses are 3/5 of a person?

SayItWithWookies November 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

No, they're 100% people until birth, at which point they're demoted. This teaches them the important lesson that it only gets worse.

starfanglednut November 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Hey, (true story) my dad used to sit next to my bed holding a 5th of cheap whiskey, and explain to me how I should enjoy my life now, cuz it was only going to get worse.And I turned out great!

Beowoof November 10, 2011 at 1:30 pm

7 Billion on the planet now and these folks think we need more. Sharp move folks.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Well, they really only want white women to have them babies, brownz not so much.

littlebigdaddy November 10, 2011 at 1:37 pm

What would be the legal status of santorum?

widestanceshakedown November 10, 2011 at 1:39 pm

A zygote is a corporation, my friend, and by default a job creator, my friend.

SorosBot November 10, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I wish I were a woman, then I could celebrate by getting pregnant tonight and having an abortion tomorrow; abortion parties are the best.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Better yet, wait until you are eight months preggers, and then have an abortion. That is what all the cool kids do.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

The 400 million American women per year who get abortions in the baby holocUSAst agree with you!

YouBetcha November 10, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Sperm goes in, sperm trickles out. You can't explain it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 2:05 pm

That's what the Loofa is for.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Spokesperson was pwned by Diane Rehm.. nice!

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Corporations are people too, my friends.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

The ironic thing is, if this had been the law in 2000, Al Gore would have won Florida.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Where's leukocyte legislation? Then 'PUSA' would be quite fitting.

Limeylizzie November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

This makes me want to reach into my lady parts, grab my last good egg and fucking throw it at these morons.

keepem_sikanpor November 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I'll join you in the egging of the Fetus Cargo Cult headquarters (that really should be trademarked, W Jr.), I'll bring the bourbon!

DahBoner November 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Every Zygote knows that if you want to have "full rights" as a Person, you need to form a CORPORATION.

A LLZ, Limited Liability Zygote….

SmutBoffin November 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Excellent use of "micron", BTW.

Ms_E_Abernathy November 10, 2011 at 2:26 pm

This really puts into perspective my obsession with seeing Obama's real birf certificate. Birf certificates are for chumps! I wanna see the insemination certificate. Long form only!

Redhead November 10, 2011 at 3:11 pm

41% of voters in Mississippi are crazy wingnut ret@rds? Holy shit that's scary.

ThundercatHo November 10, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Yes, but 51% of USA voters re-elected GWB and that's even scarier.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

48%. But point taken.

ThundercatHo November 10, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Why don't they just make, say, easter candy sacred instead. Slogan: "Peeps are peeple, too!" I mean, nobody wants to eat that shit anyway.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Why in the fuck do these people want so fucking many unloved/unwanted/poor children running around? So they can watch 'em starve?

HistoriCat November 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

It's all about punishing women for having sex.

JustPixelz November 10, 2011 at 3:49 pm

"…poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children."

With diet and exercise, Michelle Obama can get them down to a healthy 5 microns. Let's Move!

mavenmaven November 10, 2011 at 4:07 pm

All those frozen specimens, some of whom are many years old and whose donors already passed on from their cancers, are having a sad in their little -70 degree test tube freezers today.

El Pinche November 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Hopefully Santorum can poor some fetus jar juice on this whole ordeal.

ttommyunger November 10, 2011 at 6:26 pm

All this in the one State with the most barren uteri and shriveled testes in the Country. Much ado about nothing, methinks; or wishful thinking, at best.

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