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Personhood USA To Host Next Personhood Defeat In Florida

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Only one can understand Freedumb.Sad news for American blastocysts, guys. Accidental zygotes are still not as sacred as you and I, now that the normals in Mississippi — whose existence was considered apocryphal until Tuesday’s election — have decided they’ve had just about enough of the pushy nuts behind up-and-coming fetus cargo cult Personhood USA. Final tally: a 59%-41% defeat of the Personhood Amendment that would have elevated the valued single-celled members of our communities to full 5/5ths American citizenship with the full Constitutional rights to catastrophic student loans and a diet entirely composed of corn syrup. Mississippians decided that sending pregnant women to prison for the crime of filling an Ortho Evra prescription was, maybe, a tad completely crazy. It probably didn’t help that the campaign’s presumably paid spokespeople mostly had no idea what they were talking about. Well, at least not enough to lie convincingly about their terrible proposal so that people might actually on purpose vote for it.

No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw, and moving on to the next off-brand state and the next off-year election. Hey, how about Florida? 2014, perhaps?! Surely the people silly enough to put Medicare cheat and all-around ridiculous apparition Rick Scott into office would be amenable to a heaping helping of the feel-goodsies that come from saving poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children?

Oh, for real?

Though Personhood Florida attempted an amendment last year, it never made it to the ballot, due to a lack of signatures and no real support from state legislators or big-name anti-abortion groups.

Hmm. Sounds like things aren’t quite falling into place there, PUSA. Maybe try Alabama, in 1998. [ThinkProgress/Washington Independent]

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Comments

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  • nounverb911

    The only way this passes is if blastocysts are old enough to vote in Florida.

    • Guppy

      They'd need a photo ID first.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        And a birth certificate.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          I was looking forward to getting pregnant on purpose with unwanted multiples just so I could cast our votes against conservative causes. . .choice, works many ways.

    • AmericanBeauty

      Blastocysts have a well-known Republican bias, you know. GOTV!!!

  • Callyson

    Last Tuesday night, I was briefly concerned that the wingnuts would realize that their extremism is alienating voters, and would do a better job of disguising their agenda. Glad to see my worries are unfounded. Feeling better about 2012 than I have in a long time…

    • fuflans

      yeah me too. though as i noted elsewhere on the wonkette, the media have been surprisingly shy about finding any liberal pattern in the 2011 elections.

      and by 'surprising' i mean entirely predictable.

    • datateday

      You can't disguise crazy.

  • hollywooddood

    Keep your big government hands out of my PUSA.

    • nounverb911

      What about Herman Cain's?

    • Guppy

      FORZA PUSA!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And, really, shouldn't it be Personhood, US Youth?

    • jjdaddyo

      Keep your big government hands off my FUPA, also.

  • nounverb911

    PUSA? Is there a cure for that?

    • Fare la Volpe

      DIK?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Actually, there are a couple of pills you can take that will clear it right up.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I don't think all these negative-nine-month-olds would do much to alter the average age of Floridians, but they'd sure make the next census an interesting exercise.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Calculating the mean: how does it work?

  • Radio99%

    It's not a choice, it's a proto-child.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Is there some sadistic streak in tandem with the activism of this rabidly overzealous warrior clan, that they want see more people breed so that there's never a shortage of human cattle to manipulate, bilk and demonize? Otherwise, jeez, I could swear this was at cross-purposes with a number of materially-enhancing, humanely empowering life qualities courtesy of the latter century.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      These goobers were just not all that into the late 20th century.

  • KotBR

    Now that SB 5 is dead in Ohio, I was kind of hoping this idiocy would make its way here, to give us Godless liberals something to campaign and canvas against. We do much better when all riled up.

    • ChernobylSoup

      You got a beloved but morally bankrupt football coach you can fire? That seems to work.

      • CapnFatback
      • SorosBot

        And then you can have a bunch of idiot frat boys riot over the firing, since apparently winning football is much more important than the minor issue of child rape.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, is their theme song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba?

    • Fare la Volpe

      More like "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo.

      They do love the littlest of girls.

      • SorosBot

        And hate the grown ones.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Chumbawamba

      Dunno, but Stuef is still waiting "…for them to get back up again."

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Yeah, they aren't deterred.

    They're da turd.
    ~

  • freakishlywrong

    Oh for fucks sake. Get the hell out of our lives. Everywhere. GO AWAY.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As Sean Connery put it so well, all those years ago:

    PUSA? I must be dreaming.

  • chascates

    Z-Y-G-O-T-E——Zygote!

    • James Michael Curley

      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!

      Most popular cheer at the Bowl Games this year.

  • freakishlywrong

    No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw
    That sounds…dirty.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      " 'Dust' is dirt too, my friends!"

      yeah. . . pretty awful..

  • Come here a minute

    I've got millions and millions of half-votes to help this thing pass!

    • Fare la Volpe

      A million votes, three times a day, four times on weekends.

    • Guppy

      Unsurprisingly, they're all absentee ballots too.

    • Radio99%

      Or 3/5th's votes.

  • HELisforHEL

    Quite happily surprised that Mississippi rejected this "Fish Is People Too!" amendment. Between this and the constant conservatard debates perhaps some folks are finally figuring out that these people are mad, bad & dangerous to (vote for).

    • fuflans

      a lord byron joke!

      cheers!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Lets combine the two and have eight blastocysts debate the issue.

  • CapnFatback

    The oldz in Florida would never go for it. It would just mean more competition for non-soild foods at the Old Country Buffet.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      There's competition for non-soiled foods? Things are worse than I thought in Floriduh.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Question: Are these people for realz, or is this some sort of failed Karl Rove GOTV thing to motivate the Republican base (of crazy-stupid fucks)?

  • poncho_pilot

    if at first you don't succeed…fail, fail again.

    "fetus cargo cult." these are the Wonkette moments that keep me coming back.

    • Radio99%

      Exactly, they are just following gawd's little idea. Since a good portion of conceptions fail au natural, no reason why you shouldn't try to breed again.

      • poncho_pilot

        "Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. (In medical articles, you may see the term "spontaneous abortion" used in place of miscarriage.) About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.

        This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before a pregnancy becomes established. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time."

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          The coroners are gonna be mighty busy, investigating all those homicides and accidental deaths.

      • poncho_pilot

        but really, i think it's about controlling women with the added side effect of moar white babies. even though this law would probably guarantee more brown babies.
        in short, what a bunch of assholes.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      When the Repubicans win elections, they're all "the people have spoken". When they lose, it's "let's try again in Florida".

      Well, listen up Person USA: Voters are people, my friend. And they vote.

  • CapnFatback

    I'm not entirely convinced that those already living in Florida can be classified as actual persons in the first place.

  • fuflans

    PUSA i know you're committed to life and all, but do we really need more floridians?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      As much as we needed more Mississippians.
      Point is, THEY want more of 'em.

  • McRibzgood

    Keep PUSA outta PUSSY!

  • VaWyo

    A person is a person. A zygote is not a person. A corporation is not a person. I really can't take anymore of these idiots.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      It's the basic definitions that confuse them.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can't wait for them to propose a Constitutional amendment giving full legal rights to placentas. That's a human life, too — and what horrible monsters just throw them in the trash when they're done? This barbarism has gone on long enough!

    • hagajim

      Maybe we ought to try giving full Constitutional Rights to the gheyz first…wait?

  • OneYieldRegular

    This is such inspiring news that I'm going to skip lunch just to go have an abortion.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      You know how many calories are in those things?!

  • hagajim

    Looks like its PUSA Galore for the USA USA.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Why not go all in and define sperm as people? Oh, wait, that would criminalize the conduct of 150 million men, and we can't have that. Wicked strumpets.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Good thing the sperm can't verbalize, or we'd be deafened by the cries of agony coming from crusty gym socks across the nation.

      • BornInATrailer

        Please, think of the knuckle children.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Relax — it's only when sperm and egg unite in holy matrimony that you get a real live American.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Does that mean black fetuses are 3/5 of a person?

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, they're 100% people until birth, at which point they're demoted. This teaches them the important lesson that it only gets worse.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Hey, (true story) my dad used to sit next to my bed holding a 5th of cheap whiskey, and explain to me how I should enjoy my life now, cuz it was only going to get worse.And I turned out great!

  • Beowoof

    7 Billion on the planet now and these folks think we need more. Sharp move folks.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, they really only want white women to have them babies, brownz not so much.

  • littlebigdaddy

    What would be the legal status of santorum?

  • widestanceshakedown

    A zygote is a corporation, my friend, and by default a job creator, my friend.

  • SorosBot

    I wish I were a woman, then I could celebrate by getting pregnant tonight and having an abortion tomorrow; abortion parties are the best.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Better yet, wait until you are eight months preggers, and then have an abortion. That is what all the cool kids do.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The 400 million American women per year who get abortions in the baby holocUSAst agree with you!

  • YouBetcha

    Sperm goes in, sperm trickles out. You can't explain it.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's what the Loofa is for.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Spokesperson was pwned by Diane Rehm.. nice!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Corporations are people too, my friends.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The ironic thing is, if this had been the law in 2000, Al Gore would have won Florida.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Where's leukocyte legislation? Then 'PUSA' would be quite fitting.

  • Limeylizzie

    This makes me want to reach into my lady parts, grab my last good egg and fucking throw it at these morons.

    • keepem_sikanpor

      I'll join you in the egging of the Fetus Cargo Cult headquarters (that really should be trademarked, W Jr.), I'll bring the bourbon!

  • DahBoner

    Every Zygote knows that if you want to have "full rights" as a Person, you need to form a CORPORATION.

    A LLZ, Limited Liability Zygote….

  • SmutBoffin

    Excellent use of "micron", BTW.

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    This really puts into perspective my obsession with seeing Obama's real birf certificate. Birf certificates are for chumps! I wanna see the insemination certificate. Long form only!

  • Redhead

    41% of voters in Mississippi are crazy wingnut ret@rds? Holy shit that's scary.

    • ThundercatHo

      Yes, but 51% of USA voters re-elected GWB and that's even scarier.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        48%. But point taken.

  • ThundercatHo

    Why don't they just make, say, easter candy sacred instead. Slogan: "Peeps are peeple, too!" I mean, nobody wants to eat that shit anyway.

  • DaRooster

    Why in the fuck do these people want so fucking many unloved/unwanted/poor children running around? So they can watch 'em starve?

    • HistoriCat

      It's all about punishing women for having sex.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "…poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children."

    With diet and exercise, Michelle Obama can get them down to a healthy 5 microns. Let's Move!

  • mavenmaven

    All those frozen specimens, some of whom are many years old and whose donors already passed on from their cancers, are having a sad in their little -70 degree test tube freezers today.

  • El Pinche

    Hopefully Santorum can poor some fetus jar juice on this whole ordeal.

  • ttommyunger

    All this in the one State with the most barren uteri and shriveled testes in the Country. Much ado about nothing, methinks; or wishful thinking, at best.