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Personhood USA To Host Next Personhood Defeat In Florida

Only one can understand Freedumb.Sad news for American blastocysts, guys. Accidental zygotes are still not as sacred as you and I, now that the normals in Mississippi — whose existence was considered apocryphal until Tuesday’s election — have decided they’ve had just about enough of the pushy nuts behind up-and-coming fetus cargo cult Personhood USA. Final tally: a 59%-41% defeat of the Personhood Amendment that would have elevated the valued single-celled members of our communities to full 5/5ths American citizenship with the full Constitutional rights to catastrophic student loans and a diet entirely composed of corn syrup. Mississippians decided that sending pregnant women to prison for the crime of filling an Ortho Evra prescription was, maybe, a tad completely crazy. It probably didn’t help that the campaign’s presumably paid spokespeople mostly had no idea what they were talking about. Well, at least not enough to lie convincingly about their terrible proposal so that people might actually on purpose vote for it.

No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw, and moving on to the next off-brand state and the next off-year election. Hey, how about Florida? 2014, perhaps?! Surely the people silly enough to put Medicare cheat and all-around ridiculous apparition Rick Scott into office would be amenable to a heaping helping of the feel-goodsies that come from saving poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children?

Oh, for real?

Though Personhood Florida attempted an amendment last year, it never made it to the ballot, due to a lack of signatures and no real support from state legislators or big-name anti-abortion groups.

Hmm. Sounds like things aren’t quite falling into place there, PUSA. Maybe try Alabama, in 1998. [ThinkProgress/Washington Independent]

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        1. NorthStarSpanx

          I was looking forward to getting pregnant on purpose with unwanted multiples just so I could cast our votes against conservative causes. . .choice, works many ways.

  1. Callyson

    Last Tuesday night, I was briefly concerned that the wingnuts would realize that their extremism is alienating voters, and would do a better job of disguising their agenda. Glad to see my worries are unfounded. Feeling better about 2012 than I have in a long time…

    1. fuflans

      yeah me too. though as i noted elsewhere on the wonkette, the media have been surprisingly shy about finding any liberal pattern in the 2011 elections.

      and by 'surprising' i mean entirely predictable.

  2. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I don't think all these negative-nine-month-olds would do much to alter the average age of Floridians, but they'd sure make the next census an interesting exercise.

  3. Mumbletypeg

    Is there some sadistic streak in tandem with the activism of this rabidly overzealous warrior clan, that they want see more people breed so that there's never a shortage of human cattle to manipulate, bilk and demonize? Otherwise, jeez, I could swear this was at cross-purposes with a number of materially-enhancing, humanely empowering life qualities courtesy of the latter century.

  4. KotBR

    Now that SB 5 is dead in Ohio, I was kind of hoping this idiocy would make its way here, to give us Godless liberals something to campaign and canvas against. We do much better when all riled up.

      1. SorosBot

        And then you can have a bunch of idiot frat boys riot over the firing, since apparently winning football is much more important than the minor issue of child rape.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
      Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!

      Most popular cheer at the Bowl Games this year.

  5. HELisforHEL

    Quite happily surprised that Mississippi rejected this "Fish Is People Too!" amendment. Between this and the constant conservatard debates perhaps some folks are finally figuring out that these people are mad, bad & dangerous to (vote for).

  6. CapnFatback

    The oldz in Florida would never go for it. It would just mean more competition for non-soild foods at the Old Country Buffet.

  7. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Question: Are these people for realz, or is this some sort of failed Karl Rove GOTV thing to motivate the Republican base (of crazy-stupid fucks)?

  8. poncho_pilot

    if at first you don't succeed…fail, fail again.

    "fetus cargo cult." these are the Wonkette moments that keep me coming back.

    1. Radio99%

      Exactly, they are just following gawd's little idea. Since a good portion of conceptions fail au natural, no reason why you shouldn't try to breed again.

      1. poncho_pilot

        "Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. (In medical articles, you may see the term "spontaneous abortion" used in place of miscarriage.) About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.

        This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before a pregnancy becomes established. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time."

      2. poncho_pilot

        but really, i think it's about controlling women with the added side effect of moar white babies. even though this law would probably guarantee more brown babies.
        in short, what a bunch of assholes.

    2. JustPixelz

      When the Repubicans win elections, they're all "the people have spoken". When they lose, it's "let's try again in Florida".

      Well, listen up Person USA: Voters are people, my friend. And they vote.

  9. CapnFatback

    I'm not entirely convinced that those already living in Florida can be classified as actual persons in the first place.

  10. VaWyo

    A person is a person. A zygote is not a person. A corporation is not a person. I really can't take anymore of these idiots.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    I can't wait for them to propose a Constitutional amendment giving full legal rights to placentas. That's a human life, too — and what horrible monsters just throw them in the trash when they're done? This barbarism has gone on long enough!

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    Why not go all in and define sperm as people? Oh, wait, that would criminalize the conduct of 150 million men, and we can't have that. Wicked strumpets.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Good thing the sperm can't verbalize, or we'd be deafened by the cries of agony coming from crusty gym socks across the nation.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Relax — it's only when sperm and egg unite in holy matrimony that you get a real live American.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      No, they're 100% people until birth, at which point they're demoted. This teaches them the important lesson that it only gets worse.

      1. starfanglednut

        Hey, (true story) my dad used to sit next to my bed holding a 5th of cheap whiskey, and explain to me how I should enjoy my life now, cuz it was only going to get worse.And I turned out great!

  13. SorosBot

    I wish I were a woman, then I could celebrate by getting pregnant tonight and having an abortion tomorrow; abortion parties are the best.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Better yet, wait until you are eight months preggers, and then have an abortion. That is what all the cool kids do.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      The 400 million American women per year who get abortions in the baby holocUSAst agree with you!

  14. Limeylizzie

    This makes me want to reach into my lady parts, grab my last good egg and fucking throw it at these morons.

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      I'll join you in the egging of the Fetus Cargo Cult headquarters (that really should be trademarked, W Jr.), I'll bring the bourbon!

  15. DahBoner

    Every Zygote knows that if you want to have "full rights" as a Person, you need to form a CORPORATION.

    A LLZ, Limited Liability Zygote….

  16. Ms_E_Abernathy

    This really puts into perspective my obsession with seeing Obama's real birf certificate. Birf certificates are for chumps! I wanna see the insemination certificate. Long form only!

  17. ThundercatHo

    Why don't they just make, say, easter candy sacred instead. Slogan: "Peeps are peeple, too!" I mean, nobody wants to eat that shit anyway.

  18. DaRooster

    Why in the fuck do these people want so fucking many unloved/unwanted/poor children running around? So they can watch 'em starve?

  19. mavenmaven

    All those frozen specimens, some of whom are many years old and whose donors already passed on from their cancers, are having a sad in their little -70 degree test tube freezers today.

  20. ttommyunger

    All this in the one State with the most barren uteri and shriveled testes in the Country. Much ado about nothing, methinks; or wishful thinking, at best.

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