Sad news for American blastocysts, guys. Accidental zygotes are still not as sacred as you and I, now that the normals in Mississippi — whose existence was considered apocryphal until Tuesday’s election — have decided they’ve had just about enough of the pushy nuts behind up-and-coming fetus cargo cult Personhood USA. Final tally: a 59%-41% defeat of the Personhood Amendment that would have elevated the valued single-celled members of our communities to full 5/5ths American citizenship with the full Constitutional rights to catastrophic student loans and a diet entirely composed of corn syrup. Mississippians decided that sending pregnant women to prison for the crime of filling an Ortho Evra prescription was, maybe, a tad completely crazy. It probably didn’t help that the campaign’s presumably paid spokespeople mostly had no idea what they were talking about. Well, at least not enough to lie convincingly about their terrible proposal so that people might actually on purpose vote for it.
No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw, and moving on to the next off-brand state and the next off-year election. Hey, how about Florida? 2014, perhaps?! Surely the people silly enough to put Medicare cheat and all-around ridiculous apparition Rick Scott into office would be amenable to a heaping helping of the feel-goodsies that come from saving poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children?
Though Personhood Florida attempted an amendment last year, it never made it to the ballot, due to a lack of signatures and no real support from state legislators or big-name anti-abortion groups.
Hmm. Sounds like things aren’t quite falling into place there, PUSA. Maybe try Alabama, in 1998. [ThinkProgress/Washington Independent]
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The only way this passes is if blastocysts are old enough to vote in Florida.
They'd need a photo ID first.
And a birth certificate.
I was looking forward to getting pregnant on purpose with unwanted multiples just so I could cast our votes against conservative causes. . .choice, works many ways.
Blastocysts have a well-known Republican bias, you know. GOTV!!!
Last Tuesday night, I was briefly concerned that the wingnuts would realize that their extremism is alienating voters, and would do a better job of disguising their agenda. Glad to see my worries are unfounded. Feeling better about 2012 than I have in a long time…
yeah me too. though as i noted elsewhere on the wonkette, the media have been surprisingly shy about finding any liberal pattern in the 2011 elections.
and by 'surprising' i mean entirely predictable.
You can't disguise crazy.
Keep your big government hands out of my PUSA.
What about Herman Cain's?
FORZA PUSA!
And, really, shouldn't it be Personhood, US Youth?
Keep your big government hands off my FUPA, also.
PUSA? Is there a cure for that?
DIK?
Actually, there are a couple of pills you can take that will clear it right up.
I don't think all these negative-nine-month-olds would do much to alter the average age of Floridians, but they'd sure make the next census an interesting exercise.
Calculating the mean: how does it work?
It's not a choice, it's a proto-child.
Is there some sadistic streak in tandem with the activism of this rabidly overzealous warrior clan, that they want see more people breed so that there's never a shortage of human cattle to manipulate, bilk and demonize? Otherwise, jeez, I could swear this was at cross-purposes with a number of materially-enhancing, humanely empowering life qualities courtesy of the latter century.
These goobers were just not all that into the late 20th century.
Now that SB 5 is dead in Ohio, I was kind of hoping this idiocy would make its way here, to give us Godless liberals something to campaign and canvas against. We do much better when all riled up.
You got a beloved but morally bankrupt football coach you can fire? That seems to work.
Been there; done that.
And then you can have a bunch of idiot frat boys riot over the firing, since apparently winning football is much more important than the minor issue of child rape.
So, is their theme song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba?
More like "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo.
They do love the littlest of girls.
And hate the grown ones.
Chumbawamba
Dunno, but Stuef is still waiting "…for them to get back up again."
Yeah, they aren't deterred.
They're da turd.
~
Oh for fucks sake. Get the hell out of our lives. Everywhere. GO AWAY.
As Sean Connery put it so well, all those years ago:
PUSA? I must be dreaming.
Z-Y-G-O-T-E——Zygote!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Z-Y — G-O-T-E Let's Go!
Most popular cheer at the Bowl Games this year.
No matter! PUSA is getting up, dusting off its flapping maw
That sounds…dirty.
" 'Dust' is dirt too, my friends!"
yeah. . . pretty awful..
I've got millions and millions of half-votes to help this thing pass!
A million votes, three times a day, four times on weekends.
Unsurprisingly, they're all absentee ballots too.
Or 3/5th's votes.
Quite happily surprised that Mississippi rejected this "Fish Is People Too!" amendment. Between this and the constant conservatard debates perhaps some folks are finally figuring out that these people are mad, bad & dangerous to (vote for).
a lord byron joke!
cheers!
Lets combine the two and have eight blastocysts debate the issue.
The oldz in Florida would never go for it. It would just mean more competition for non-soild foods at the Old Country Buffet.
There's competition for non-soiled foods? Things are worse than I thought in Floriduh.
Question: Are these people for realz, or is this some sort of failed Karl Rove GOTV thing to motivate the Republican base (of crazy-stupid fucks)?
if at first you don't succeed…fail, fail again.
"fetus cargo cult." these are the Wonkette moments that keep me coming back.
Exactly, they are just following gawd's little idea. Since a good portion of conceptions fail au natural, no reason why you shouldn't try to breed again.
"Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. (In medical articles, you may see the term "spontaneous abortion" used in place of miscarriage.) About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.
This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before a pregnancy becomes established. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time."
The coroners are gonna be mighty busy, investigating all those homicides and accidental deaths.
but really, i think it's about controlling women with the added side effect of moar white babies. even though this law would probably guarantee more brown babies.
in short, what a bunch of assholes.
When the Repubicans win elections, they're all "the people have spoken". When they lose, it's "let's try again in Florida".
Well, listen up Person USA: Voters are people, my friend. And they vote.
I'm not entirely convinced that those already living in Florida can be classified as actual persons in the first place.
PUSA i know you're committed to life and all, but do we really need more floridians?
As much as we needed more Mississippians.
Point is, THEY want more of 'em.
Keep PUSA outta PUSSY!
A person is a person. A zygote is not a person. A corporation is not a person. I really can't take anymore of these idiots.
It's the basic definitions that confuse them.
I can't wait for them to propose a Constitutional amendment giving full legal rights to placentas. That's a human life, too — and what horrible monsters just throw them in the trash when they're done? This barbarism has gone on long enough!
Maybe we ought to try giving full Constitutional Rights to the gheyz first…wait?
This is such inspiring news that I'm going to skip lunch just to go have an abortion.
You know how many calories are in those things?!
Looks like its PUSA Galore for the USA USA.
Why not go all in and define sperm as people? Oh, wait, that would criminalize the conduct of 150 million men, and we can't have that. Wicked strumpets.
Good thing the sperm can't verbalize, or we'd be deafened by the cries of agony coming from crusty gym socks across the nation.
Please, think of the knuckle children.
Relax — it's only when sperm and egg unite in holy matrimony that you get a real live American.
Does that mean black fetuses are 3/5 of a person?
No, they're 100% people until birth, at which point they're demoted. This teaches them the important lesson that it only gets worse.
Hey, (true story) my dad used to sit next to my bed holding a 5th of cheap whiskey, and explain to me how I should enjoy my life now, cuz it was only going to get worse.And I turned out great!
7 Billion on the planet now and these folks think we need more. Sharp move folks.
Well, they really only want white women to have them babies, brownz not so much.
What would be the legal status of santorum?
A zygote is a corporation, my friend, and by default a job creator, my friend.
I wish I were a woman, then I could celebrate by getting pregnant tonight and having an abortion tomorrow; abortion parties are the best.
Better yet, wait until you are eight months preggers, and then have an abortion. That is what all the cool kids do.
The 400 million American women per year who get abortions in the baby holocUSAst agree with you!
Sperm goes in, sperm trickles out. You can't explain it.
That's what the Loofa is for.
Spokesperson was pwned by Diane Rehm.. nice!
Corporations are people too, my friends.
The ironic thing is, if this had been the law in 2000, Al Gore would have won Florida.
Where's leukocyte legislation? Then 'PUSA' would be quite fitting.
This makes me want to reach into my lady parts, grab my last good egg and fucking throw it at these morons.
I'll join you in the egging of the Fetus Cargo Cult headquarters (that really should be trademarked, W Jr.), I'll bring the bourbon!
Every Zygote knows that if you want to have "full rights" as a Person, you need to form a CORPORATION.
A LLZ, Limited Liability Zygote….
Excellent use of "micron", BTW.
This really puts into perspective my obsession with seeing Obama's real birf certificate. Birf certificates are for chumps! I wanna see the insemination certificate. Long form only!
41% of voters in Mississippi are crazy wingnut ret@rds? Holy shit that's scary.
Yes, but 51% of USA voters re-elected GWB and that's even scarier.
48%. But point taken.
Why don't they just make, say, easter candy sacred instead. Slogan: "Peeps are peeple, too!" I mean, nobody wants to eat that shit anyway.
Why in the fuck do these people want so fucking many unloved/unwanted/poor children running around? So they can watch 'em starve?
It's all about punishing women for having sex.
"…poor defenseless 6-micron-wide proto-children."
With diet and exercise, Michelle Obama can get them down to a healthy 5 microns. Let's Move!
All those frozen specimens, some of whom are many years old and whose donors already passed on from their cancers, are having a sad in their little -70 degree test tube freezers today.
Hopefully Santorum can poor some fetus jar juice on this whole ordeal.
All this in the one State with the most barren uteri and shriveled testes in the Country. Much ado about nothing, methinks; or wishful thinking, at best.
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