Rick Perry Will Close Three Random Gov’t Agencies, Maybe Defense?

  oops he did it again

Magical idiot Rick Perry has big plans when he becomes president, in his mind. For one thing, he’s going to shut down as many federal government departments as he can easily count to: three. But which three? Oh who knows. Details are for, uh, more intelligent people?

ABC News blogs the special exchange between Rick Perry, the ghosts in the back of his empty skull, and the annoying little man who always follows Rick Perry around to yell “good ideas” when Rick Perry can’t remember, say, how to go to the bathroom:

Rick Perry delivered his biggest fumble of the campaign to date when he failed to name the third agency he would eliminate if he were to become president during a Republican presidential debate in Rochester, Mich.

“It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone – Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see. Oh five – Commerce, Education and the um, um,” Perry said.

 
Related video

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, standing to Perry’s left, offered the Environmental Protection Agency as a suggestion.

“EPA, there you go,” Perry said.

So, it’s a big gaffe not when an apparently serious candidate for president just wants to close down some symbolic number of federal agencies that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DEPEND UPON, or that, say, protect the nation and its land and its creatures and even (gasp, yes) its people, but it’s a campaign ender when the jackass candidate can’t remember which federal agencies he wants to pretend to close down. [ABC News/YouTube via Andrew K.]

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388 comments

  1. TheMightyHaltor

    I don't know if he's fit to be President, but he just passed his audition for the Spanish Inquisition.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      get rid of the department of govermint, cause they are trying to get their hands on my medicare and disability money. And tell them to fix these damn roads!

    2. Spurning Beer

      1. The Department of Health and Human Services. Because health is not the government's business. My health should be between me and my banker, or pastor, or someone.

      2. The Defense Department. Because the best defense is a good offense. (Memo to self: Create a Department of Offense.) (Come to think of it, the best defensiveness is good offensiveness, am I right, Governor Niggerhead?)

      3. The Department of Redundancy Department. Because all its functions can be covered by other government agencies.

    1. iburl

      He should throw in a few mentally handicapped, innocent and messican peoples, that usually gives him a rush.

      1. Dok-cupy Everything

        Heh–I tried out for Jeopardy! back in the 80's, and the production staff at the audition warmed all us wannabees up with jokes about the intellectual caliber of people who try out for Wheel of Fortune.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          DCE:

          I tried out for Jeopardy! – what a ballbuster of a test! I've lost one game of Trivial Pursuit in my life. There was a room with hundreds of people in it, and after the first round there was a room with about 6 people.

  2. BigDumbRedDog

    Perry makes use of an old and very effective decision making process that I also use. It is called "eeny meeny miney mo".

    1. Tundra Grifter

      BDRD:

      That's funnier than you may realize – my Mom let it slip one time that in her youth the next line was "Catch an N-word by the toe."

      Only, as Ralphie todl us, she didn't say "fudge."

      1. Herring_Burnit

        By the time I was a sprog, it was "Catch a tiger by the toe," but when I grew a little older, I heard the other version, and was appalled.

        Of course, in the South, peanuts are called "N*****toes, so who knows what the FUCK those weirdos were thinking when they came up with that weird little piece of doggerel.

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Are Brazil nuts common in TX? I first heard that term from a friend who was born and somewhat raised in Alabama (army brat).

            Brazil nuts were a rare and expensive luxury when I was growing up.

          2. NellCote71

            Brazil nuts were prized objects to be fought over in the Christmas can of mixed nuts. The blue one with Mr. Peanuts in spats and a monocle. I always had an orange in my Christmas stocking because my parents got them as a treat during the Depression. I never could figure out if this was a memorial to the Depression or a reminder of how lucky I was or if they seriously thought this was a treat. Probably a combination.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            It would be a fine thing to see Perry debating a geriatric John Cleese on this matter; and please, don't anyone tell Gov Goodhair it's a setup. Hermacain has been stealing his comic thunder for weeks now. We need to get the coyote killer back in the saddle, so to speak.

            Because Cain is done within the week.

          2. Herring_Burnit

            John Cleese would make mincemeat out of Perry within seconds.

            And Cain is definitely going down, and not in the way he wants, either. Thank you deity-that-i-don't-believe-in.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    I need to listen to political news now. I have been listening to how poor Joe Paterno should have been able to finish out the year. But on the plus side, I hate Joe more than Hermie. I am SO giving up on sports & politics now!

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      paterno is just the new mccain. an old dottering fool who still should've known better than to inflict a human scourge on unsuspecting victims.

      Paterno's also a big republican…and catholic. how did we not see this the whole time? the kiddy-diddling redflags were everywhere.

  4. snackypants

    Sadly, this clip of Perry actually made the other governor from Texas look like a Nobel laureate in comparison.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      We should close the treasury department and use leaves as money. The govermint wouldn't collect taxes anymore, because, why would they want a big fucking pile of leaves? I call it the 9-9-9 plan.

      1. CapnFatback

        Mmm. Sounds too complicated. Rake in those numbers by a third, and you have the "tree-tree-tree plan."

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Pfff — this is just a transparent ploy to make Perry look 2/3 smarter than everyone thinks he is.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Oh, that's gonna help a lot. Because right now, everyone thinks he's dumber than a banana slug. And 2/3 smarter than a banana slug really ain't very smart at all.

      OTOH, it's probably a hella lot smarter than Rick Perry.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      i'm actually afraid its a ploy to look folksy and stupid, which really turns on a lot of the country, I've been learning. Let Willard look like the brainiac.

      1. NewtsChicknNeck

        that's working like a charm for Cain to prove that he's only 80% of the lech we have come to discover. calling it now: Sexual Harassment Accusers Nos. 9 & 10 will be plants proven to be liars and, thus, Herb Cain will proven to never have tried make some white womenz blow him.

  6. tcaalaw

    The best line I saw about this came from another poster over at Reason: Ron Paul could have whispered, "Fuck you, Detroit" and Perry would have automatically repeated it.

    1. Negropolis

      We probably wouldn't have blinked. Everyone tells Detroit to go fuck off, anyway. It's practically how the rest of America greets this city and state.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Never having been there except to change planes, my only impression of Detroit nowadays comes from those Chrysler 300 "imported from Detroit" commercials. It doesn't look like Robocop City. Which was filmed in fucking Dallas.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Ron Paul, even though he is insane, is relatively intelligent. I wonder if it hurts him to be standing on a stage with doofuses like Perry, or if he sort of gave up hoping for intelligent conversation among his party years ago.

  7. Dok-cupy Everything

    I can't think of any new snark for Rickerhead, so I'll just go with my default Rick Perry thought: Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Wasn't there some sciency article recently about an Amazon tribe who lacked number words, and only had words for one, two, or many? Which turned out to be completely bogoid once actual scientists showed up with all their funny little measuring machines?

      I jest, but not entirely. My brain is on teh fritz, my once-almost-perfect memory in a state of rot.

      1. NewtsChicknNeck

        he would never abolish EPA, just rebuild it with serial polluters. if you abolish the EPA, then trial lawyers run wild because there's no other form of regulation left. and everyone knows, trial lawyers are badddd.

  8. Arken

    Rick Perry's actual post-debate tweet: Really glad I wore my boots 2nite because I stepped in it out there. I did still name 2 agencies to eliminate. Obama has never done that!

    A. He's absolutely right. Obama has never named two agencies to eliminate. Why would he?

    B. Shut up, you stupid redneck.

    1. noodlesalad

      To his credit, America has never failed to elect an idiot cowboy before. But, as the last one taught us in a style not unlike Confucius, Socrates, or another famous educator that I can't remember now, sorry, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fooled, er, fool, fool me can't fool me again."

      1. NewtsChicknNeck

        i believe that's a dry-drunk attempting to restate a common phrase and instead mangling pete townshend…meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

    2. Herring_Burnit

      Ohmygod. Ohmygodohmygodohmyfuckingsweetjezusgod. The idiot. He's actually smirking proudly, like he did something special. My skin is crawling.

      Is this what happens when over-indulgent parents treat their children's every bowel movement as praiseworthy? Please let me die before the whole planet is dumbed down to this idiot's level. Where's my gun?

    3. Negropolis

      I like how everything goes back to Obama. It's Obama's fault that he's even having to think about this 'cause 'bama should have already done this, right?

      Go fuck yourself, Lil' Ricky, you shameless, three-neuroned sloth.

    4. Generation[redacted]

      President Perry: "Glad I wore my boots to that nuclear disarmament meeting, because I really stepped in it. BTW, you might want to spend tonight in your shelter."

  9. MiniMencken

    As Molly Ivins once observed about another Texas pol, "If he were any dumber, they'd have to water him three times a week."

  10. noodlesalad

    This is a classic gotcha question! By which I mean, "Candidate X, what is your plan, specifically? And by specifically, I mean, please feel free to use the broadest descriptive terms possible?"

  11. CapnFatback

    For the record, ABC "News," Mitt Romney is the one who suggested the EPA. Ron Paul is the Fred Rogers-looking dude who taught Perry how to count to five.

      1. CapnFatback

        All I know is that if I'm number #6 on the list of Texas' death row, I'd be praying like a horny nun that Perry doesn't discover that he has another hand.

    1. datateday

      Obviously, Mitt Romney said "EPA" as an agency that can't be removed but he hoped that Rick Perry would say it just to irk off the voting base even more. Well, that Mitt Romney's one slippery skink if I ever saw one.

  12. fartknocker

    I thought Jan Brewer was stupid when she had her clicking denture moment during the last election: http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2010

    In my best Clay Davis from The Wire impression, "Shit, she looks as smart as Hillary Clinton when you look at Rick Perry."

    I hope that Rick is fucking toast. He's about as intelligent as activated carbon. The people of Texas may not be the sharpest tools in the shed. However, I sense that everyone has now learned that a man who hunted at Niggerhead and failed to adequately fund education and the Texas fire service is no longer useful as a leader.

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Ah. OK.

            Yes, fairly new. I used to come by quite a while ago, but stopped and didn't come back till some time this year — May? March? Something like that.

            Didn't you used to be SmokeFilledDoommate, or something like that?

  13. iburl

    I like your calling Rick Perry a "Magical idiot" which can also be shortened to "Maggot". His own sound byte was a "Gotcha question". Damn Obama for making our brains so socialist we can't think.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      That's why he wants to eliminate the EPA too, whether he knows it or not — that banning lead paint thing of theirs clearly did Rick no good whatsoever.

  14. coolhandnuke

    It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone – Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see. Um…Um… I've said it so many times, I've repeated it in my mirror so Idz remember…Oh yea The Department of Redundancy Department. Idz make them gone, twice if i have to.

  15. CapnFatback

    HAHA! There is no real "third" department. Perry's just buying into that popular myth that government departments die in threes.

    1. Dok-cupy Everything

      Vote Rick Perry: Capable of Mostly Holding His Fudge

      I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this…um,…oops!

  16. Troubledog

    All right… all right… but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order… what have the Romans done for us?

  17. Guppy

    He's pouring money into campaign advisers and the best he can come up with is this faux-lksy routine?

    At least he's got a better grasp of the concept than Romney.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    I'm starting to feel a little sad. Bachmann, Cain, Perry….all the funny GOP candidates are going to be gone soon.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      You see Bachmann going anywhere? They're going to have to drag that harpy out screeching and kicking all the way. Cain's not going anywhere unless dragged with great force, and Perry just mumbled that he plans to attend every single debate from now until aliens send a giant asteroid crashing into our planet to mercifully kill us all.

      And then, there's always the delightful possibility of a brokered convention. Which warm body will they drag out of the woodwork next? How many MORE women will step up and speak out against Cain? How many MORE fumbles can Rickles possibly make? Does Santorum have a prayer?

    2. Chet Kincaid

      None of these people is going to quit, because Republican candidates can no longer be mortified by lack of intelligence or integrity. Democrats self-cull from shame; Republicans will not, ever again. You will have to count on Republican primary voters to clock these dummies with a 2×4. Or maybe they won't.

  19. STUKA88

    Yea this redneck needs to get out of the way but most of you voted for obongo the magic bushman.Obongos relatives in kenya still live in dung huts and eat grubworms out of rotten logs for food.In 2008 CNN interviewed his kenyan brother and he fell down on his knees and started worshipping the camera guy as a god just because he had a wristwatch on.Liberal dickwads.

    1. CapnFatback

      Ooh, it must be computer night at the asylum! Tell me, how can you type in such nigh-intelligible English with your arms pinned in that straightjacket?

    2. SheriffRoscoe

      Let me guess. Cain supporter? You know, so no one would ever believe you could possibly be a racist piece of shit?

    3. flamingpdog

      I got a little math problem for you, buddy.

      999 = economic plan put out by a brown person.
      911 = mass murder carried out by brown people.

      999-911 = 88 = BROWN!!!

        1. Limeylizzie

          If you are a wonderful and shining example of the white race then heaven help those others of us who are also melanin-challenged.

        2. finallyhappy

          Let me remind a dumb cocksucker like you that we're still here living large while you and yours are living in rusted out trailers eating ramen noodles.

    4. Gleem_McShineys

      Wow, why the anger at dung hut builders? Self-hate much? 'Cause this post is a pretty massive pile of shit.
      On second thought, it has to be jealousy. Their shit is turned into structures with a function.

      You're just a shamefully ragey fuckbag who is pissed at all the wrong people for his crappy problems. Blame your trashparents, if you're gonna blame anyone.

  20. Callyson

    What, he forgot both Health and Human Services (socialist crap) and Homeland Security (government intrusion)? So much for rebounding after Cain's missteps…

  21. BarackMyWorld

    I heard on MSNBC the third agency was supposed to be the Dept. of Energy…WHICH IS AN EVEN WORSE FUCKING ANSWER THAN THE ONE HE ACTUALLY GAVE.

  22. Nostrildamus

    I admire Perry's decorum and restraint here. After the OOPS comment I'd've expected him to point his two six-shooters up in the air and start firing.

  23. donner_froh

    Some CNBC idiot: "Governor Perry could you repeat a few lines of talking points that you have been yammering about for the past several months?"

    Perry: Fuck no–Ya'll expect me to know everything. Nobody done told me there was questions to answer.

  24. STUKA88

    What the name of the agency that gives out the 50lb cheese wheels and barrels of peanut butter to all the negro women?

    1. imissopus

      Look Mr. Sandusky, we're all honored you've decided to stop by the Wonkette, but don't you have bigger issues to worry about right now? I hear pedophiles don't last long in prison.

      1. STUKA88

        Dont get me started on that.Penn state is gay enabling pedophile whorehouse ankle deep in condoms and gay SIN.

          1. Chichikovovich

            You mean you want a room.

            What?

            You want a room. You said "Röhm".

            Yes, yes, I know, that's what I said, I want a Röhm.

    2. CapnFatback

      That's a stumper. Now I'll ask you one: Who is it that uses the phrase "negro women" in 2011? Is it

      A. A comically unintentionally-racist progressive?
      B. A hilariously politically-correct racist?
      C. Rick Perry?

    3. Negropolis

      I love how you guys think you're gentlemen racists if you don't use slurs. lol Come on. Start saying "nigger." Do it for lil, ole me, why don't you? Be honest; or are you just a coward?

      1. Mumbly_Occupado

        Though, it's a bit refreshing that the idiot troll du jour wears his white supremacist inclinations on his sleeve, for once. I'm kinda sick of the various Breitards pretending/attempting to be all coy and subtle about it.

        Particularly since they do subtlety about as well as Mack Truck

    1. CapnFatback

      your performance comes in behind Santorum.

      As I understand it, that's exactly the type of performance that leads to Santorum.

  25. pinkocommi

    Looking at the brightside, each of Perry's brain cells remembered the name of one governmental agency.

      1. pinkocommi

        Awww… It's nice to know my absence was noticed. I was distracted by a temp job that was fairly demanding of my time. But now that I am not gainfully employed again, I can dedicate my time to posting feeble attempts at humor on Wonkette. Maybe I'll even Occupy Wall Street a bit to fully express my pinkocommi self. :)

  26. STUKA88

    What i want to know is when Romney wins how long will it take him to take down the oil painting of Oprah and zebra print drapes michelle put up in the lincoln bedroom?

      1. comrad_darkness

        Seriously? Who does he fantasize he is, some decadent Roman emperor with a line of little boys in togas at his beck and call? (Speaking of Beck . . .)

    1. CapnFatback

      Well, what you REALLY want to know is which button to push to get the biscuit to drop into your cage without administering an electric shock.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          I believe it is quite painfully shocking, daily, to his shrivelly sad pale misshapen-scrotum droop of White Pride, that we have a president who is intelligent and pigmented, and not a dipshit inbred cracker-ass moron like every mutant within his circle of acquaintances.

          He is zapped by this knowledge every single day, and I actually ENJOY that he is clearly sharing how difficult it is for his pathetic self, bearing every single second of this "injustice." HA HA.

    2. Negropolis

      You really seem to have a wicked fascination with black women. Is there something you want to tell us? We won't judge you; we promise. You want to suck Oprah and Michelle's toes, don't you, you dirty, little boy?

    3. El Pinche

      Watch it son. Master Oprah will crack the whip on you , boy. If she wanted to ,she'd sell your inbred family on the black market as white slaves BOY!

    4. NewtsChicknNeck

      It depends on how quickly the Mighty Zoron can deliver the artistic renderings of God the Father (the man in human flesh) fucking Mary on the same site where modern day Branson, Missouri now stands.

      FedEx rates originating somewhere on the dark side of Jupiter are pretty intense so it may have to wait until Mittens' second term. It'll be a magic underwear closet for the first term.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    Now that I'm sure there's no chance he'll ever be president, I'm actually starting to find Rick Perry lovable. You know, like Woody from "Cheers."

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Ah, hell, I forgot about that.

        I was going to use Barney Fife as my example, but I thought people would assume I was talking about Dubya.

  28. Negropolis

    Who'd have thought? Rochester, Michigan — hometown of Madonna — has become Rick Perry's Waterloo.

    Hey Rick? Remember the Alamo. No, I'm asking you, remember what happened at the Alamo? Yeah, that's what happened to your campaign.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      They beat shit out of a bunch of students but #OccupyOakland marched in. Note: BART was cooperating with the popos, warning them when reinforcements arrived. They injured quite a few, put them in hospital, including a couple of grad students and instructors. Fucking BART needs the REST of their goddamn top management outed for the dicks that they are! Anonymous, we NEED YOU! Students won the face-off in the end, more power to them.

      How come the cops are SO kid-gloves with those fucking rioting Penn assholes, but feel obliged to beat #Occupy protestors with unwarranted viciousness?

  29. DrunkIrishman

    Rick Perry's handlers have to pin an envelop to his back that lists his name, address and phone number just in case he ever gets lost.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      I had a very dear friend who used to write his name, address, and phone number on pieces of paper that he would carry with him everywhere. But the poor man had epilepsy and was terrified that he would lose consciousness on a sidewalk somewhere and come to with no memory.

      Perry is just a disgrace. A stupid, thick-headed, moronic idiot of a disgrace.

  30. datateday

    Rick Perry couldn't even name 3 agencies he would've liked to cut. How could he have named 5?!? That Ron Paul…

  31. Guppy

    Anti-intellectualism is the name of the game. Expect everyone to be pulling stuff like this in the next "debate."

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    …the demon shall carry a nine-bladed sword with which to cut the federal budget! Nine-bladed! Not two, or five, or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched government departments and agencies—departments and agencies, except for defense! Nor shall the department, whichever one it is, that dispenses subsidies to Big Oil and Big Agriculture be subject to the wrath of the nine-bladed sword!! But all else, watch thyself, for the horns shall be on the head…

  33. Negropolis

    Bless his heart. Jesus grabbed him by his feet and shook all the brains out, so he could stuff him full of heart, is all.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You are using the phrase "bless his heart" in the ironic Southern way, right? As in, "what an asshole." Right?

      1. Negropolis

        Thanks. I was attempting to channel some random 80-year-old Texas grandmother, and hoping that it worked.

  34. Negropolis

    Shorter Dick Perry: Maths is hard, ya'll.

    Isn't is scary to realize that Sarah Palin is smarter than this? She'd have just used her Alaskan telepromter; you know, her hand.

    Don't they execute people down in Texas with higher a IQ than Perry? He better be careful. Apparently, all you need to head up Texas government, these days, is a drawl and twang and a pair of expensive cowboy boots. Oh, and an assortment of firearms. Also.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Don't they execute people down in Texas with higher a IQ than Perry?"

      They'd have to kill 56% of the population (leaving the 44% that voted for Obama)

        1. HistoriCat

          There might be a little more hope down here if the fucking Democrats would expend a little effort and cash in the state and get some candidates running. In 2010 there was no Democrat running for the Congressional seat in my district.

  35. Negropolis

    You guys must forgive him. It's pretty hard to concentrate when Herman is winking at you and mouthing dirty words.

  36. neiltheblaze

    Now that Rick Perry is about to descend into Michele Bachman numbers, and Herman Cain is starting to crash too – I wonder which of the retreads is going to be the next Savant / Messiah candidate for 12 minutes. Newt, the "intellectual"? Maybe Jon Huntsman if he stops being invisible? Because we know the "anyone but Mitt" crowd will not be mollified – at least not yet. They may eventually realize they've got nowhere else to go – but I don't think they're ready for that yet.

    I gotta say – Barry is awfully fortunate in his opponents – and I really see no way in which his luck doesn't hold out. By the time the election rolls around, the entire country is going to be sick to death of whichever of these clowns finally gets the nod.

    1. Come here a minute

      Huntsman has the LDS disease too; Republican primary voters don't want to catch those cooties. "Anyone but Mitt" should be interpreted as "Anyone but Mitt, or any other Mormon"

        1. Herring_Burnit

          I swear, that man must have a crystal ball or something. How neatly he sidelined the only REAL serious contender! Leaving the crazies to duke it out for who gets the honor of being crushed by his resoled size 10s.

  37. enbuenora

    HA HA! Mike Huckabee joked that re. Herman Cain that when formerly fat-ass Huckafuck went to his beloved Popeye's Fried Chicken and Toilet Greasers it might HA HA HA have been HA HA HA 'sexual harassment' when the cashiers with ladyparts called him HA HA HA 'honey'!

    HEE HEE HEE HEE it's Southern Fried Right Wing Humor! We love it!

    1. Dok-cupy Everything

      Har! "In summary: this was a cosmically awful debate."

      Those elitist Brit-folk…

      EDIT: Perfect quote: "It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want."

  38. itsjesuscriss

    Please don't let this be the end of Perry. It is way to entertaining to watch him. Santorum and Bachman give me the creeps. Willard is a manequin, but Perry, he makes me laugh. Out of all the candidates, Perry is the one I'd want to have a beer with, even though I'd never vote for him.

    1. DaRooster

      Hell, at every band practice I have beers (and shots, and tokes) with guys I would never even vote like… let alone for.

  39. Allmighty_Manos

    If Ron Paul was really in the game he would suggested the Department of Veterans Affairs or the Social Security Adminstration.

  40. LiveToServeYa

    "If elected president, I will nuke three countries: China … Russia … and one other. No, no, don't help me…"

  41. Terry

    Psst. Rick. Over here. Time for you and me to have another wee chat.

    The Department of Commerce. Are you sure you want to axe it entirely? Businesses can do just fine without the help or interference of government? Did you ask the businessmen who give you big fat checks what they think? Ask how many of them are taking checks of various kinds for their business, from agricultural subsidies to government money for R&D. Add up how much help your businessman backers are actually taking from the government. Then, ask them which of those programs (across Commerce, Agriculture, Energy, other agencies) they want cut.

    Now, Rick. You live in Texas, right? You saw a few years back when Hurricane Ike tried to wipe Galveston off the map, correct? Weather folks on tv don't really do the forecasting. It's done by NOAA, which actually makes up the majority of the Dept of Commerce. Didn't realize that, did you? Why is NOAA in Commerce, you'll have to ask Nixon. You know those oil spills along the Gulf Coast? NOAA's out there responding to them.

          1. NellCote71

            I have close relatives who are frothing-at-the mouth conservatives. But they sure do like them their farm subsidies. And they sure whine when they don't get what they think is coming to them for not growing something.

            And they sure brag when they have been in the hospital to the tune of upwards of $100K, but hey only had to pay about 8 cents because of that Medicare.

            But by god, they don't want those brown people taking all of the jobs and living off welfare, as they sit there in the barcaloungers, counting up their oil checks, which they inherited from someone who was a lot smarter than they generations ago. But that's different.

  42. Chichikovovich

    Dear voting majority of Texans (not Texas Wonketteers, not some of my pals in Austin, not some other people too, of course, who are more to be pitied than blamed): For years you have seen exactly what we saw last night, over and over again. And your reaction was "Hey – let's make this guy governor". You compared Jim Hightower to this trainwreck and said "Agriculture commissioner? Perry, fer shur." And having voted him in once, you saw what we are seeing now and voted him in several more times. What were you thinking? "I'm tired of intellectuals like George Bush in the governor's office!" perhaps?

    Just thought I'd let you know that you have given us overwhelming reason to believe that a voting majority of Texans are morons. In the future, you should expect lots of dumb Texan jokes, and you shouldn't complain, because you earned them honestly.

        1. NellCote71

          I was out of the country from 2000 to 2009, and opted to not vote absentee in the state elections because the slate was so pitiful. I am a yellow dog democrat, but back in the 1960s and 1970s, I would vote for the Socialist Party or La Raza Unida rather than for whoever was running for governor at the time. At that time they were still Dixiecrats, so were on the Democratic ticket. Sorry lot, all of them. Except for Ralph Yarborough. I have done my part. I am fifth generation Texan, ancestors died in the Alamo, that sort of thing. But my God this state is driving me crazeeee.

          1. Steverino247

            Ancestors died in the Alamo? Wow! You should run for office down there, dude! That's worth a lot of votes right there.

            (By the way, I heard the Texas constitution was found inscribed on gold plates in the bathroom of the Alamo. Your ancestor have anything to do with that?)

  43. kingcocrazy

    As my late father would say, "He's so damn dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."

  44. carlgt1

    well it's a grand Repub tradition — who can forget that hilarious gaffe Lincoln did of "four days & seven years ago? or was it four hours & seven years ago? four decades? oops…."

  45. Chet Kincaid

    If Rick Perry was Augustus McRae, "Lonesome Dove" would have been 10 pages long, ending with Gus tripping and shooting himself in the face while chasing Blue Duck.

    1. finallyhappy

      When Bill Hader was doing the Perry skit- he was laughing – hard to parody someone who is already a joke

  46. thefrontpage

    The U.S. Departmen of Commerce includes the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the National Institute of Standards and Technology, an extremely important govermnent office that regulates all sorts of industry standards and regulations that actually do some good, the U.S. Census, which has been praised by Republicans and used for ousting Democrats from their legislative districts, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which conducts some of the most important research on our oceans, bodies of water, marine environments and the air that we breathe, and the International Trade Administration, which oversees important trade regulations. Of course, it's wholly stupid to even consider eliminating this department. And in an age when everyone–including Republicans and conservatives–stress the need for new energy resources and better education, it's completely insane and stupid and ignorant to even consider eliminating the departments of Education and Energy. What on earth would that accomplish? Here's the first federal government department that should be eliminated: Anything having anything to do with far-right, conservative Republicans. That's the best place to start cutting.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      I found it interesting that when he responded to (Mitts'?) suggestion of EPA, that he qualified his assertion with "Well, not do away with EPA. . . we want to rework/ revamp' " it, as opposed to eliminating outright. So it seems his coaching by advisers or whoever has resulted in buzzwords that set off synapses in his head enough to register "what to cut, what to keep & what to wave a magic wand for a makeover" — but its not clear he's absorbed the implications and ramifications of the priorities he intones.
      This shallow grasp of his own message might worry me almost as much or more than *what* he spouts off — he himself is able to make less sense of it than we the audience can. (I see you've been chided elsewhere for not snarking enough but I'm feeling pretty grave about last night's spectacle too). Rather than "OH NO HE DID NOT!" I experienced instead a kind of sinking *thud* of recognition that this really is the best a significant contingent of our electorate can come up with. This farce did not start with the Cain cult of personality and it won't end with Mormon-phobia as Mitt shores up the marginal victory when other contenders' efforts are ashes. What I think I recognized was that Perry's 'gaffe' sealed his fate (as I could hear some groan-&-murmur in the audience) as about as extreme a reaction as a positive embrace of an emotionally-driven populace. The gaffe and others like it should have been an eye-opener to the thorough incompetence of the entire bunch. But with a cognitively challenged, mentally debased corral of puppets as the far right, it merely signifies who 'got kicked off the island/ "you are the weakest link, g'bye" ' and nothing deeper, no extended reach for judgment of what this means for them,, the people. Cesspool or mudpit, all they know is they're standing in something yelping for a cartoon hero to pull them out but the bacterial infection or toe fungus is rotting either way because no one has summoned an actual expert.

  47. thefrontpage

    Additionally, these idiots who keep saying that the federal government should eliminate the EPA, which is, especially today, one of the most needed, most important and most vital government agency: The only reason these fat-cat far-right conservative Republicans want to eliminate the EPA is because the EPA dares to enact, enforce and regulate important environmental rules, regulations and laws on the polluting, criminal and corrupt big businesses that the conservative Republicans run. They hate having their polluting, corrupt big businesses regulated to protect the environment–and then they're the first to complain when they see smog, drought, pollution and trash in their precious hunting and fishing grounds. What a bunch of morons! If anything, the departments of Commerce, Energy and EPA need to do more to regulate pollution and big business, and the important Education department needs to do more to battle the crazy creationists, evolution deniers, religious zealots and other fringe crazies who want to destroy normal, intelligent education in the United States. So of course we need these departments–and we need them operating at full-force.

    1. Dok-cupy Everything

      Well, yes, but I would like to point out that your post needs an anal sex joke to really work here.

  48. comrad_darkness

    This man's brain is suffering from lead, mercury AND cadmium poisoning, so I can see why he'd want to eliminate the EPA. Didn't do him any good.

  49. BaldarTFlagass

    Apparently this Bartiromo woman brought up the harrassment question to Herman, to boos. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/09/herman-c

    Herman's response was "For every person who'd come forward with a false accusation, there are thousands who will say 'I never saw that from Herman Cain.'"

    I suppose Jerry Sandusky could say the very same thing, right?

    1. DaRooster

      I would not be lying if I said, "I did not see that from Herman Cain."… so I guess he is correct… there probably are thousands of people that would say that.

    2. Herring_Burnit

      I expect some ancient withered Nazi or Japanese war criminal to creep out of hiding any second now demanding rehabilitation because "think of all the people I DIDN'T kill/torture/maim/wound/terrify!"

      And the scary thing is, the idiot audience actually thought that lamebrain had made some kind of point.

  50. anniegetyerfun

    He does seem to believe that shrugging and saying "Oops" is incredibly charming and will get him out of any bad situation. I mean, it obviously has so far, so why stop now?

  51. TeaNuts

    Is it me or did Perry seem the most Reaganish (praise be to he), of course I am referring to the early onset of Alzheimer's.

  52. Mumbly_Occupado

    My favorite part was when Ron Paul tried to help him out;

    "Psst! The answer you're looking for is 'all of them, Katie'."

  53. NewtsChicknNeck

    In stark contrast to the other candidates' mile-wide and inch-deep understanding of the federal government and the day's political issues, Rick has taken the unusual approach of dumbing these down further with his inch-wide, inch-deep strategy. ladies and gentlemen, Your 2012 Republican Presidential Nominee, Mr. Rick Perry.

  54. Troglodeity

    Santorum/Bachmann/Huntsman thought bubbles: "I can't believe I'm still behind this guy in the polls!"

  55. fishskicanoe

    Hey hey hey, leaves us neanderthals out of this. This kind of putrid racism is a defining characteristic of human mental illness. The type that we neanderthals have never suffered from.

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