OOPS HE DID IT AGAIN  11:39 pm November 9, 2011

Rick Perry Will Close Three Random Gov’t Agencies, Maybe Defense?

by Wonkette Jr.

Magical idiot Rick Perry has big plans when he becomes president, in his mind. For one thing, he’s going to shut down as many federal government departments as he can easily count to: three. But which three? Oh who knows. Details are for, uh, more intelligent people?

ABC News blogs the special exchange between Rick Perry, the ghosts in the back of his empty skull, and the annoying little man who always follows Rick Perry around to yell “good ideas” when Rick Perry can’t remember, say, how to go to the bathroom:

Rick Perry delivered his biggest fumble of the campaign to date when he failed to name the third agency he would eliminate if he were to become president during a Republican presidential debate in Rochester, Mich.

“It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone – Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see. Oh five – Commerce, Education and the um, um,” Perry said.

Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, standing to Perry’s left, offered the Environmental Protection Agency as a suggestion.

“EPA, there you go,” Perry said.

So, it’s a big gaffe not when an apparently serious candidate for president just wants to close down some symbolic number of federal agencies that MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DEPEND UPON, or that, say, protect the nation and its land and its creatures and even (gasp, yes) its people, but it’s a campaign ender when the jackass candidate can’t remember which federal agencies he wants to pretend to close down. [ABC News/YouTube via Andrew K.]

 
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{ 388 comments }

SarahsBush November 9, 2011 at 11:41 pm

So, ABC News thinks Niggerhead isn't as big of a deal as spacing out. Good to know.

Herring_Burnit November 9, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Well, of course not. It's not as if spacing out like that affects ONLY BLACK people, yaknow.

TheMightyHaltor November 9, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I don't know if he's fit to be President, but he just passed his audition for the Spanish Inquisition.

Arken November 10, 2011 at 12:09 am

NOBODY passes the audition for the Spanish Inquisition!

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2011 at 12:44 am

GET the COMFY CHAIR!

Ayn Rand Paul Tard November 10, 2011 at 11:03 am

There are two agencies I'd get rid of–Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? THREE agencies! Commerce, Education and…let’s see. Oh, FIVE agencies!

ThankYouJeebus November 10, 2011 at 9:45 am

Mel Brooks' History of the World Part I' musical number on the Inquisition is always a hoot. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oppHeMlaLVM

Pat_Pending November 9, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I want him to get rid of the Department of the Interior, because I hate jackalopes.

Arken November 10, 2011 at 12:09 am

I'm claustrophobic and I agree with you!

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:20 am

Jackalopes are a rural legend perpetrated on stupid hicks for lulz. Much like Rick Perry.

finallyhappy November 10, 2011 at 7:59 am

Oh, sure, now you'll say the Jersey Devil is all made up, also

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 11:27 am

No need to bring Chris Christie into this.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:25 am

I've never eloped with ANYone, I have no idea what you're talking about, and I've been wearing cowboy boots ALLLL my life.

NYNYNYjr November 10, 2011 at 12:41 am

get rid of the department of govermint, cause they are trying to get their hands on my medicare and disability money. And tell them to fix these damn roads!

Isyaignert November 10, 2011 at 1:45 am

Why is it that the Dept. of the Interior is in charge of things outside?

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:47 am

Conservatives want to get rid of it because interior design is allegedly a part of the gay agenda.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Well … it is.

Spurning Beer November 10, 2011 at 8:18 am

1. The Department of Health and Human Services. Because health is not the government's business. My health should be between me and my banker, or pastor, or someone.

2. The Defense Department. Because the best defense is a good offense. (Memo to self: Create a Department of Offense.) (Come to think of it, the best defensiveness is good offensiveness, am I right, Governor Niggerhead?)

3. The Department of Redundancy Department. Because all its functions can be covered by other government agencies.

Beetagger November 9, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Perry's gonna have to execute a bunch of people to cheer himself up after tonight.

jqheywood November 10, 2011 at 12:06 am

"Ah am depressed…."

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2011 at 12:47 am

"S'posin' I was to shoot this here federal agency dead, would that cheer you up?"

iburl November 10, 2011 at 1:09 am

He should throw in a few mentally handicapped, innocent and messican peoples, that usually gives him a rush.

Barb November 9, 2011 at 11:45 pm

I'm surprised he didn't say, "Vanna, I would like to by a vowel."

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:15 am

When I think of Rick Perry, I don't think of vowel, I think of vowel movement.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:25 am

Can you say that with a Spanish accent?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:27 am

When I think of Rick Perry, I don't think of vowel, I think of vowel movement with a Spanish accent.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:34 am

Very funny, pdog.

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2011 at 12:50 am

OH, that is SO MANY thumbs up.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:49 am

You mean where all of the c's become th's?

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:52 am

And the v's become b's.

I make ze leetle joke, my friend. Very, very leetle.

TheMightyHaltor November 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

I think he's still being coached on the difference between vowels and consonants.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Tell him the vowels is what makes him so fulla shit, see if that helps.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 1:17 am

He should have said, "Vanna, I'd like to buy a brain."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:53 am

Yeah, but they don't sell them in his size.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 1:59 am

"I'll take a Pee, Pat" also would have been acceptable.

Tundra Grifter November 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

Alex – I'll take "Dumbass Vanity Republican candidates for President" for $1,200.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:17 am

Heh–I tried out for Jeopardy! back in the 80's, and the production staff at the audition warmed all us wannabees up with jokes about the intellectual caliber of people who try out for Wheel of Fortune.

Tundra Grifter November 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm

DCE:

I tried out for Jeopardy! – what a ballbuster of a test! I've lost one game of Trivial Pursuit in my life. There was a room with hundreds of people in it, and after the first round there was a room with about 6 people.

BigDumbRedDog November 9, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Perry makes use of an old and very effective decision making process that I also use. It is called "eeny meeny miney mo".

Tundra Grifter November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

BDRD:

That's funnier than you may realize – my Mom let it slip one time that in her youth the next line was "Catch an N-word by the toe."

Only, as Ralphie todl us, she didn't say "fudge."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:25 pm

By the time I was a sprog, it was "Catch a tiger by the toe," but when I grew a little older, I heard the other version, and was appalled.

Of course, in the South, peanuts are called "N*****toes, so who knows what the FUCK those weirdos were thinking when they came up with that weird little piece of doggerel.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 2:32 pm

In my lifetime, too, on both counts, it was Brazil nuts in my part of Texas, not peanuts.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Are Brazil nuts common in TX? I first heard that term from a friend who was born and somewhat raised in Alabama (army brat).

Brazil nuts were a rare and expensive luxury when I was growing up.

BigDumbRedDog November 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm

HA! I'm so funny that sometimes people have to explain my own jokes to me.

HedonismBot November 9, 2011 at 11:47 pm

How about we do away with the Ministry of Silly Walks?

Herring_Burnit November 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Don't tell him, he'll turn it into a personal fucking crusade.

HedonismBot November 10, 2011 at 12:01 am

I know. Let's tell him! For the lulz.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:24 am

You so cruel/crazy, HedonismBot!

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2011 at 12:54 am

It would be a fine thing to see Perry debating a geriatric John Cleese on this matter; and please, don't anyone tell Gov Goodhair it's a setup. Hermacain has been stealing his comic thunder for weeks now. We need to get the coyote killer back in the saddle, so to speak.

Because Cain is done within the week.

stew1 November 10, 2011 at 6:40 am

Or the Spanish Inquisition.

Texan_Bulldog November 9, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I need to listen to political news now. I have been listening to how poor Joe Paterno should have been able to finish out the year. But on the plus side, I hate Joe more than Hermie. I am SO giving up on sports & politics now!

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 4:40 pm

paterno is just the new mccain. an old dottering fool who still should've known better than to inflict a human scourge on unsuspecting victims.

Paterno's also a big republican…and catholic. how did we not see this the whole time? the kiddy-diddling redflags were everywhere.

snackypants November 9, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Sadly, this clip of Perry actually made the other governor from Texas look like a Nobel laureate in comparison.

Herring_Burnit November 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

I know. I'm so disgusted.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:52 am

Are you kidding? Other way. He makes Dubya look like an English major.

Andrew Drinker November 10, 2011 at 9:38 am

Before I saw your comment I was gonna say "Rhodes Scholar", but Nobel laureate has a much nicer ring to it.

Pat_Pending November 10, 2011 at 11:33 am

I'd give Dubya credit, but he was just a puppet with Rove's hand up his ass.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Rove's, Cheney's — DAMN, that man had a roomy ass!

mookwrthwilson November 9, 2011 at 11:49 pm

He should offer to close the Secret Service…

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:35 am

Dick Cheney would have six ninjas parachute out of the sky and strangle him in public before he finished that sentence.

NYNYNYjr November 10, 2011 at 12:44 am

We should close the treasury department and use leaves as money. The govermint wouldn't collect taxes anymore, because, why would they want a big fucking pile of leaves? I call it the 9-9-9 plan.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 12:52 am

Mmm. Sounds too complicated. Rake in those numbers by a third, and you have the "tree-tree-tree plan."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:54 am

Total WIN!

ShitFilledExistence November 9, 2011 at 11:53 pm

"Commerce, education, legislative, the judysomething, the EPA and FEMA. Those three. That's what I meant."

NorthStarSpanx November 10, 2011 at 8:56 am

How about the White House Department of Law?

Pat_Pending November 10, 2011 at 11:33 am

Judge Judysomething… <snerk>

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Pfff — this is just a transparent ploy to make Perry look 2/3 smarter than everyone thinks he is.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:37 am

Oh, that's gonna help a lot. Because right now, everyone thinks he's dumber than a banana slug. And 2/3 smarter than a banana slug really ain't very smart at all.

OTOH, it's probably a hella lot smarter than Rick Perry.

NYNYNYjr November 10, 2011 at 12:46 am

i'm actually afraid its a ploy to look folksy and stupid, which really turns on a lot of the country, I've been learning. Let Willard look like the brainiac.

Andrew Drinker November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

All Perry has to do is perfect saying "Well, there you go again, Mitt!" and the crowd will go wild.

jqheywood November 10, 2011 at 8:03 am

Hey, 2/3s of 9-9-9 is 6-6-6…..

Just sayin', this may be a tell…..

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 3:24 pm

that's working like a charm for Cain to prove that he's only 80% of the lech we have come to discover. calling it now: Sexual Harassment Accusers Nos. 9 & 10 will be plants proven to be liars and, thus, Herb Cain will proven to never have tried make some white womenz blow him.

tcaalaw November 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

The best line I saw about this came from another poster over at Reason: Ron Paul could have whispered, "Fuck you, Detroit" and Perry would have automatically repeated it.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:37 am

With a "Haw haw haw" for emphasis.

How can ANYbody be so fecking STOOPID?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 12:50 am

"Go fuck yourself, San Diego."

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:54 am

We probably wouldn't have blinked. Everyone tells Detroit to go fuck off, anyway. It's practically how the rest of America greets this city and state.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 9:26 am

Fuck you, Detroit.

(EDIT: I feel so dirty for saying that)

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Well, you ARE.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 10:09 am

Never having been there except to change planes, my only impression of Detroit nowadays comes from those Chrysler 300 "imported from Detroit" commercials. It doesn't look like Robocop City. Which was filmed in fucking Dallas.

Andrew Drinker November 10, 2011 at 9:41 am

Last I checked, Mitt Romney said "Fuck you, Detroit" several times.

anniegetyerfun November 10, 2011 at 10:28 am

Ron Paul, even though he is insane, is relatively intelligent. I wonder if it hurts him to be standing on a stage with doofuses like Perry, or if he sort of gave up hoping for intelligent conversation among his party years ago.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 10, 2011 at 12:34 pm

The Texas tag-team at work!

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 12:00 am

I can't think of any new snark for Rickerhead, so I'll just go with my default Rick Perry thought: Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

emmelemm November 10, 2011 at 1:10 am

Still works.

fuflans November 10, 2011 at 12:11 am

there's a really funny rumpole quote here, something about math skills and 'one, two, three…many'.

gullywompr November 10, 2011 at 12:27 am

"Evolution is just a theory."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:28 am

Wasn't there some sciency article recently about an Amazon tribe who lacked number words, and only had words for one, two, or many? Which turned out to be completely bogoid once actual scientists showed up with all their funny little measuring machines?

I jest, but not entirely. My brain is on teh fritz, my once-almost-perfect memory in a state of rot.

anniegetyerfun November 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

Readin' and Writin' and… the EPA.

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 4:44 pm

he would never abolish EPA, just rebuild it with serial polluters. if you abolish the EPA, then trial lawyers run wild because there's no other form of regulation left. and everyone knows, trial lawyers are badddd.

Arken November 10, 2011 at 12:12 am

Rick Perry's actual post-debate tweet: Really glad I wore my boots 2nite because I stepped in it out there. I did still name 2 agencies to eliminate. Obama has never done that!

A. He's absolutely right. Obama has never named two agencies to eliminate. Why would he?

B. Shut up, you stupid redneck.

noodlesalad November 10, 2011 at 12:22 am

To his credit, America has never failed to elect an idiot cowboy before. But, as the last one taught us in a style not unlike Confucius, Socrates, or another famous educator that I can't remember now, sorry, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, fooled, er, fool, fool me can't fool me again."

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 4:48 pm

i believe that's a dry-drunk attempting to restate a common phrase and instead mangling pete townshend…meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:31 am

Ohmygod. Ohmygodohmygodohmyfuckingsweetjezusgod. The idiot. He's actually smirking proudly, like he did something special. My skin is crawling.

Is this what happens when over-indulgent parents treat their children's every bowel movement as praiseworthy? Please let me die before the whole planet is dumbed down to this idiot's level. Where's my gun?

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:56 am

I like how everything goes back to Obama. It's Obama's fault that he's even having to think about this 'cause 'bama should have already done this, right?

Go fuck yourself, Lil' Ricky, you shameless, three-neuroned sloth.

Generation[redacted] November 10, 2011 at 10:33 am

President Perry: "Glad I wore my boots to that nuclear disarmament meeting, because I really stepped in it. BTW, you might want to spend tonight in your shelter."

snoopyfan2010 November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Why do you have to insult rednecks like that. Even they know when to shut up.

Arken November 10, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I grew up around them. Trust me, plenty of them don't know when to shut up.

gullywompr November 10, 2011 at 12:12 am

There's three things I'd like to do to Rick Perry, and I guarantee he'd remember every single one.

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:11 am
CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

Fuck, marry, kill?

gullywompr November 10, 2011 at 5:05 pm

No Capn, three different things.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:07 am

I'd like to give him some ketamine then throw him in a dumpster. (That's a 'Perry Three', right?)

Sparky_McGruff November 10, 2011 at 8:05 am

How about ketamine, tattoo "DUMBASS" on his forehead, and then the dumpster.

Thurman Munster IV November 10, 2011 at 12:13 am

You know who else wanted to close the departments of commerce, education and er, um?

gullywompr November 10, 2011 at 12:20 am

Somebody?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:24 am

Alley Oops?

SayItWithWookies November 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

Attila the Huh?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 12:51 am

Ronald Reagan?

Lascauxcaveman November 10, 2011 at 12:58 am

It was … that, um… that one guy.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:13 am

Yeah, yeah, I know, I think he was the governor .. of ….. Texas?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:09 am

Jabba the Whutt??

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Al Zheimer?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 4:11 am

Didn't I already say Reagan?

Oh~!

Andrew Drinker November 10, 2011 at 9:49 am

Oh jeez…that one guy….uh, I think Paul von Hindenburg appointed him Chancellor…uh, god. Who was that? Uh…it's on the tip of my tongue. Ooops.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:18 am

Miss Teen South Carolina, and such as?

horsedreamer_1 November 10, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Gingrich?

MiniMencken November 10, 2011 at 12:15 am

As Molly Ivins once observed about another Texas pol, "If he were any dumber, they'd have to water him three times a week."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:32 am

This shitbag needs help breathing. I cannot believe he's smirking proudly after his disastrous performance!

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

That's it! He's a Demoncrat plant, running in the primaries to make Republicans look dumb*!

*er

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 7:32 am

We are clever that way.

noodlesalad November 10, 2011 at 12:20 am

This is a classic gotcha question! By which I mean, "Candidate X, what is your plan, specifically? And by specifically, I mean, please feel free to use the broadest descriptive terms possible?"

Nostrildamus November 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

Nobama, also, too.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:17 am

I think Hermie is the one that thinks in broad terms.

LampreyCuddles November 10, 2011 at 12:23 am

So who could argue with abolishing the Department of Education after this?

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 12:26 am

For the record, ABC "News," Mitt Romney is the one who suggested the EPA. Ron Paul is the Fred Rogers-looking dude who taught Perry how to count to five.

NYNYNYjr November 10, 2011 at 12:52 am

What will Perry do with this horrible knowledge? Buy five boots? Shoot five things?

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 12:55 am

All I know is that if I'm number #6 on the list of Texas' death row, I'd be praying like a horny nun that Perry doesn't discover that he has another hand.

datateday November 10, 2011 at 1:18 am

Obviously, Mitt Romney said "EPA" as an agency that can't be removed but he hoped that Rick Perry would say it just to irk off the voting base even more. Well, that Mitt Romney's one slippery skink if I ever saw one.

fartknocker November 10, 2011 at 12:27 am

I thought Jan Brewer was stupid when she had her clicking denture moment during the last election: http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2010

In my best Clay Davis from The Wire impression, "Shit, she looks as smart as Hillary Clinton when you look at Rick Perry."

I hope that Rick is fucking toast. He's about as intelligent as activated carbon. The people of Texas may not be the sharpest tools in the shed. However, I sense that everyone has now learned that a man who hunted at Niggerhead and failed to adequately fund education and the Texas fire service is no longer useful as a leader.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:40 am

I'm beginning to fear that moldy bread looks smart next to Rick Perry. Obviously, I picked a bad time to quit drinking.

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 1:43 am

You keep saying that. Don't be a dry drunk. One day at a time.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:49 am

What's that in English, please?

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:39 am

Obviously, I picked a bad time to quit drinking..
Thought maybe you needed some 12 step guidance. Are you new here?

finallyhappy November 10, 2011 at 8:03 am

yes, Moldy bread can give us penicillin.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Good point. Penicillin saves lives. Rick Perry TAKES them.

Nesnora November 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

But racism is a "viewpoint" now in 2011!

arihaya November 10, 2011 at 12:30 am

this Perry fellow gave closeted gays a bad name

iburl November 10, 2011 at 12:31 am

I like your calling Rick Perry a "Magical idiot" which can also be shortened to "Maggot". His own sound byte was a "Gotcha question". Damn Obama for making our brains so socialist we can't think.

GuanoFaucet November 10, 2011 at 12:31 am

The Department of Education didn't do Perry any good, so I see why he wants it shut down.

SayItWithWookies November 10, 2011 at 12:47 am

That's why he wants to eliminate the EPA too, whether he knows it or not — that banning lead paint thing of theirs clearly did Rick no good whatsoever.

Angry_Marmot November 10, 2011 at 5:26 am

You give 'em books, and you give 'em books, and they just chew on the covers.

coolhandnuke November 10, 2011 at 12:42 am

It’s three agencies of government when I get there that are gone – Commerce, Education and the um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see. Um…Um… I've said it so many times, I've repeated it in my mirror so Idz remember…Oh yea The Department of Redundancy Department. Idz make them gone, twice if i have to.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 12:44 am

HAHA! There is no real "third" department. Perry's just buying into that popular myth that government departments die in threes.

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 12:52 am

Unlike Andy Rooney, Joe Frazier, and Heavy D. :(

SheriffRoscoe November 10, 2011 at 12:47 am

He didn't vomit all over the dais, right? Or soil himself? Give him credit.

tcaalaw November 10, 2011 at 7:27 am

Good point, it's all about exceeding political reporters' subjective expectations!

NorthStarSpanx November 10, 2011 at 9:00 am

Isn't that what they gave accolades to Sarah Palin for at the one and only VP Debate?

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:38 am

Vote Rick Perry: Capable of Mostly Holding His Fudge

I'm Rick Perry, and I approve this…um,…oops!

Troubledog November 10, 2011 at 12:49 am

All right… all right… but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order… what have the Romans done for us?

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:00 am

Wait, was that the Judean Peoples' Liberation Front, or who was it?

Antispandex November 10, 2011 at 12:50 am

How about we just give Texas back to Mexico? Of course we fence it off first.

Fare la Volpe November 10, 2011 at 12:54 am

He wants to end Prohibition, that's for sure.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:54 am

“EPA, there you go,” Perry said.

Bette Grande libel!!1!

GeorgiaBurning November 10, 2011 at 12:55 am

None of this would have happened if Santa Anna's soldiers used rubbers.

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 12:55 am

He's pouring money into campaign advisers and the best he can come up with is this faux-lksy routine?

At least he's got a better grasp of the concept than Romney.

Uniprober November 10, 2011 at 12:55 am

TSA, DEA, FBI, CIA, DHS… There. Can I run now?

mavenmaven November 10, 2011 at 12:56 am

"ewwps"

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 12:57 am

I liked these skits better back when they were called "Celebrity Jeopardy."

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

He'll be on Leno again later this week, in the "Jaywalking" video.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:01 am

He'll be on every fucking morning show tomorrow, youbetcha, his handlers have already announced.

tcaalaw November 10, 2011 at 7:28 am

Celebrity Jeopardy is rarely this bad. This was more like Celebrity Weakest Link.

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Celebrity Jeopardy as interpreted by Will Farrell and the fine folks at SNL.

horsedreamer_1 November 10, 2011 at 7:34 pm

The Audio Daily Double for Continents is a stone classic.

SheriffRoscoe November 10, 2011 at 12:59 am

I'm starting to feel a little sad. Bachmann, Cain, Perry….all the funny GOP candidates are going to be gone soon.

emmelemm November 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Yeah. Romney: not funny.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:03 am

You see Bachmann going anywhere? They're going to have to drag that harpy out screeching and kicking all the way. Cain's not going anywhere unless dragged with great force, and Perry just mumbled that he plans to attend every single debate from now until aliens send a giant asteroid crashing into our planet to mercifully kill us all.

And then, there's always the delightful possibility of a brokered convention. Which warm body will they drag out of the woodwork next? How many MORE women will step up and speak out against Cain? How many MORE fumbles can Rickles possibly make? Does Santorum have a prayer?

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:07 am

None of these people is going to quit, because Republican candidates can no longer be mortified by lack of intelligence or integrity. Democrats self-cull from shame; Republicans will not, ever again. You will have to count on Republican primary voters to clock these dummies with a 2×4. Or maybe they won't.

STUKA88 November 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

Yea this redneck needs to get out of the way but most of you voted for obongo the magic bushman.Obongos relatives in kenya still live in dung huts and eat grubworms out of rotten logs for food.In 2008 CNN interviewed his kenyan brother and he fell down on his knees and started worshipping the camera guy as a god just because he had a wristwatch on.Liberal dickwads.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:03 am

Ooh, it must be computer night at the asylum! Tell me, how can you type in such nigh-intelligible English with your arms pinned in that straightjacket?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:10 am

Maybe Perry needs a teleprompter!!! LOL2009

SheriffRoscoe November 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Let me guess. Cain supporter? You know, so no one would ever believe you could possibly be a racist piece of shit?

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

No doubt you typed that out by the light of a burning cross.

imissopus November 10, 2011 at 1:18 am

Needz moar pointy white hats.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:24 am

I got a little math problem for you, buddy.

999 = economic plan put out by a brown person.
911 = mass murder carried out by brown people.

999-911 = 88 = BROWN!!!

STUKA88 November 10, 2011 at 1:28 am

88= happy hanukkah

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:05 am

You can go back to sucking dick now, dood. If anyone will let you near theirs.

Limeylizzie November 10, 2011 at 6:54 am

If you are a wonderful and shining example of the white race then heaven help those others of us who are also melanin-challenged.

finallyhappy November 10, 2011 at 8:07 am

Let me remind a dumb cocksucker like you that we're still here living large while you and yours are living in rusted out trailers eating ramen noodles.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:05 am

Now he'll have to go kill himself and we'll all be so sorry!

Well, OK, no we won't. Can we watch?

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:04 am

Precisely.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 2:04 am

Shouldn't you be trying to sex up your sister-mother, or something?

OccupytheDashboard November 10, 2011 at 7:12 am

troll

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 7:15 am

Slow night at the meth lab?

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 9:14 am

3 departments = 57 states!!1!1!!

Gleem_McShineys November 10, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Wow, why the anger at dung hut builders? Self-hate much? 'Cause this post is a pretty massive pile of shit.
On second thought, it has to be jealousy. Their shit is turned into structures with a function.

You're just a shamefully ragey fuckbag who is pissed at all the wrong people for his crappy problems. Blame your trashparents, if you're gonna blame anyone.

Callyson November 10, 2011 at 1:07 am

What, he forgot both Health and Human Services (socialist crap) and Homeland Security (government intrusion)? So much for rebounding after Cain's missteps…

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:07 am

I heard on MSNBC the third agency was supposed to be the Dept. of Energy…WHICH IS AN EVEN WORSE FUCKING ANSWER THAN THE ONE HE ACTUALLY GAVE.

mrblifil November 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

Edumacation, Commercials, and the Department of Post-Modern Deconstructionism.

Nostrildamus November 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

I admire Perry's decorum and restraint here. After the OOPS comment I'd've expected him to point his two six-shooters up in the air and start firing.

V572625694 November 10, 2011 at 1:16 am

That always works when everybody's out at Niggerhead!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:06 am

I don't think they LET him take his OTHER guns in there, did they?

donner_froh November 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Some CNBC idiot: "Governor Perry could you repeat a few lines of talking points that you have been yammering about for the past several months?"

Perry: Fuck no–Ya'll expect me to know everything. Nobody done told me there was questions to answer.

STUKA88 November 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

What the name of the agency that gives out the 50lb cheese wheels and barrels of peanut butter to all the negro women?

imissopus November 10, 2011 at 1:16 am

Look Mr. Sandusky, we're all honored you've decided to stop by the Wonkette, but don't you have bigger issues to worry about right now? I hear pedophiles don't last long in prison.

STUKA88 November 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

Dont get me started on that.Penn state is gay enabling pedophile whorehouse ankle deep in condoms and gay SIN.

imissopus November 10, 2011 at 1:27 am

Hey, you know who else ran a gay enabling pedophile whorehouse ankle deep in condoms and gay SIN?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:30 am

Me, me , me, I know this one!

HITLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 4:13 am

Dennis Hastert?

horsedreamer_1 November 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Tom Coburn?

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:21 am

That's a stumper. Now I'll ask you one: Who is it that uses the phrase "negro women" in 2011? Is it

A. A comically unintentionally-racist progressive?
B. A hilariously politically-correct racist?
C. Rick Perry?

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 2:10 am

I love how you guys think you're gentlemen racists if you don't use slurs. lol Come on. Start saying "nigger." Do it for lil, ole me, why don't you? Be honest; or are you just a coward?

Mumbly_Occupado November 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm

If you have to ask, you already know the answer.

OccupytheDashboard November 10, 2011 at 7:12 am

dumbass troll

Mumbly_Occupado November 10, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Though, it's a bit refreshing that the idiot troll du jour wears his white supremacist inclinations on his sleeve, for once. I'm kinda sick of the various Breitards pretending/attempting to be all coy and subtle about it.

Particularly since they do subtlety about as well as Mack Truck

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 9:33 am

This guy has GOT to be a parody troll.

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:21 am
Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:08 am

You're not throwing shoes, or anything, are ya?

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 4:20 am

Not Fromme here.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:37 pm

{groan}

SudsMcKenzie November 10, 2011 at 1:25 am

It must be personally painful when your performance comes in behind Santorum.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:28 am

your performance comes in behind Santorum.

As I understand it, that's exactly the type of performance that leads to Santorum.

SudsMcKenzie November 10, 2011 at 2:23 am

did you see what I did there?

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:32 am

Better than coming out the behind with santorum.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:09 am

Not as painful as when your santorum comes out of your behind. Especially if you're performing.

pinkocommi November 10, 2011 at 1:31 am

It would be more appropriate if he had forgotten the Department of Education.

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 3:26 pm

if there's one thing he can remember he hates, it's the book-learnin'.

pinkocommi November 10, 2011 at 1:33 am

Looking at the brightside, each of Perry's brain cells remembered the name of one governmental agency.

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 1:45 am

Where ya been, pinkocommi? I don't remember seeing you here in a while?

pinkocommi November 10, 2011 at 1:50 am

Awww… It's nice to know my absence was noticed. I was distracted by a temp job that was fairly demanding of my time. But now that I am not gainfully employed again, I can dedicate my time to posting feeble attempts at humor on Wonkette. Maybe I'll even Occupy Wall Street a bit to fully express my pinkocommi self. :)

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:10 am

Hey, I noticed too! Good to see ya!

STUKA88 November 10, 2011 at 1:36 am

What i want to know is when Romney wins how long will it take him to take down the oil painting of Oprah and zebra print drapes michelle put up in the lincoln bedroom?

SheriffRoscoe November 10, 2011 at 1:47 am

This is where Rush Limbaugh sleeps. White, heterosexual men have divine taste in decor, why I do declare!

comrad_darkness November 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

Seriously? Who does he fantasize he is, some decadent Roman emperor with a line of little boys in togas at his beck and call? (Speaking of Beck . . .)

not that Dewey November 10, 2011 at 10:16 am

That's one of Saddam Hussein's "rape rooms", isn't it?

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:51 am

Well, what you REALLY want to know is which button to push to get the biscuit to drop into your cage without administering an electric shock.

Sparky_McGruff November 10, 2011 at 8:14 am

What I want to know is which wire to cut so that there's nothing but electric shocks.

Gleem_McShineys November 10, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I believe it is quite painfully shocking, daily, to his shrivelly sad pale misshapen-scrotum droop of White Pride, that we have a president who is intelligent and pigmented, and not a dipshit inbred cracker-ass moron like every mutant within his circle of acquaintances.

He is zapped by this knowledge every single day, and I actually ENJOY that he is clearly sharing how difficult it is for his pathetic self, bearing every single second of this "injustice." HA HA.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 2:11 am

You really seem to have a wicked fascination with black women. Is there something you want to tell us? We won't judge you; we promise. You want to suck Oprah and Michelle's toes, don't you, you dirty, little boy?

El Pinche November 10, 2011 at 2:49 am

Watch it son. Master Oprah will crack the whip on you , boy. If she wanted to ,she'd sell your inbred family on the black market as white slaves BOY!

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

oh, we haz a White Power Ranger visitor–isn't it darling?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 10:37 am

Certainly is a cartoon racist. LOL!

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 10:41 am

You had better worry about your boy Cain – my sources tell me he is up your sister's ass right now. And you can't do a goddamn thing about it!

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

It depends on how quickly the Mighty Zoron can deliver the artistic renderings of God the Father (the man in human flesh) fucking Mary on the same site where modern day Branson, Missouri now stands.

FedEx rates originating somewhere on the dark side of Jupiter are pretty intense so it may have to wait until Mittens' second term. It'll be a magic underwear closet for the first term.

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 1:38 am

Now that I'm sure there's no chance he'll ever be president, I'm actually starting to find Rick Perry lovable. You know, like Woody from "Cheers."

imissopus November 10, 2011 at 1:39 am

Who at the end of the series got elected to the Boston City Council after Frasier convinced him to run as a joke. Don't jinx us.

BarackMyWorld November 10, 2011 at 4:14 am

Ah, hell, I forgot about that.

I was going to use Barney Fife as my example, but I thought people would assume I was talking about Dubya.

jodyleek November 10, 2011 at 8:58 am

Barney Fife? More like Ernest T. Bass.

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:22 am

Barney Fife had integrity.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:41 am

Who'd have thought? Rochester, Michigan — hometown of Madonna — has become Rick Perry's Waterloo.

Hey Rick? Remember the Alamo. No, I'm asking you, remember what happened at the Alamo? Yeah, that's what happened to your campaign.

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

Dude, I was trying to convince you to go over there with a bunch of pies and take several for the team!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:02 pm

How infuriating that I cannot upfist this more than once!

sati_demise November 10, 2011 at 1:44 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

Ongoing stand off tonight at Berkeley tonight

Barrelhse November 10, 2011 at 8:32 am

Fuck the Pigs!!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:04 pm

They beat shit out of a bunch of students but #OccupyOakland marched in. Note: BART was cooperating with the popos, warning them when reinforcements arrived. They injured quite a few, put them in hospital, including a couple of grad students and instructors. Fucking BART needs the REST of their goddamn top management outed for the dicks that they are! Anonymous, we NEED YOU! Students won the face-off in the end, more power to them.

How come the cops are SO kid-gloves with those fucking rioting Penn assholes, but feel obliged to beat #Occupy protestors with unwarranted viciousness?

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 1:51 am

Ricky, can we please get rid of the Ministry of Love — er — the Pentagon?

El Pinche November 10, 2011 at 2:17 am

Once again, Romney's mystical undergarments remain unscathed and skid free.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 10:04 am

Mitt's opponents continue to explode, one by one. Looks like luck, doesn't it?

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:10 am

Heh…you would know, I suppose…

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 10:39 am

mmm-hmmm.

El Pinche November 10, 2011 at 10:13 am

I don't think its luck. I think it's the supernatural power of Moroni.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:06 pm

A-HEM! (points to the glowering Biel_ze_Bubba)

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

You messin' with them again, Biely?

DrunkIrishman November 10, 2011 at 2:53 am

Rick Perry's handlers have to pin an envelop to his back that lists his name, address and phone number just in case he ever gets lost.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I had a very dear friend who used to write his name, address, and phone number on pieces of paper that he would carry with him everywhere. But the poor man had epilepsy and was terrified that he would lose consciousness on a sidewalk somewhere and come to with no memory.

Perry is just a disgrace. A stupid, thick-headed, moronic idiot of a disgrace.

DerrickWildcat November 10, 2011 at 4:32 am

Close the bad one Rick!

datateday November 10, 2011 at 4:47 am

Rick Perry couldn't even name 3 agencies he would've liked to cut. How could he have named 5?!? That Ron Paul…

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Yeah, that was one of my "You're funny, Dr. Ron" moments. It was mean, but priceless.

donner_froh November 10, 2011 at 5:19 am

Perry is Reaganesque without the advantage of havng Alzheimer's.

notreelyhelping November 10, 2011 at 11:24 am

You sure about that last part?

ttommyunger November 10, 2011 at 6:23 am

Organ Failure making the rounds: Perry's brain and Cain's dick, so far.

stew1 November 10, 2011 at 6:37 am

Forget those rumors; he's not smart enough for gay sex.

Barrelhse November 10, 2011 at 8:33 am

You should have seen him trying to walk in high-heels.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I wish *I'd* said that!

jus_wonderin November 10, 2011 at 7:33 am

What a dork.

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 7:40 am

Anti-intellectualism is the name of the game. Expect everyone to be pulling stuff like this in the next "debate."

stew1 November 10, 2011 at 8:36 am

Perry scratching his balls with Glock?

Guppy November 10, 2011 at 8:53 am

And getting his scrotum caught in the slide, thereby relating with most of the Republican base.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:09 pm

He'd haw-haw about it also, too, as he shot his balls off.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 7:55 am

…the demon shall carry a nine-bladed sword with which to cut the federal budget! Nine-bladed! Not two, or five, or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched government departments and agencies—departments and agencies, except for defense! Nor shall the department, whichever one it is, that dispenses subsidies to Big Oil and Big Agriculture be subject to the wrath of the nine-bladed sword!! But all else, watch thyself, for the horns shall be on the head…

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I thought it wa 4+5-bladed, you know, as in, Herman Cain's lucky number.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 7:57 am

Bless his heart. Jesus grabbed him by his feet and shook all the brains out, so he could stuff him full of heart, is all.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 8:31 am

You are using the phrase "bless his heart" in the ironic Southern way, right? As in, "what an asshole." Right?

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Oh, that's priceless. I'm tweeting that, and crediting you.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 12:19 am

Thanks. I was attempting to channel some random 80-year-old Texas grandmother, and hoping that it worked.

Herring_Burnit November 11, 2011 at 12:38 am

I had to edit for length, but if you ever get a Twitter account as Negropolis, you'll already be famous, at least in my tiny little circle.

BlueStateLibel November 10, 2011 at 7:59 am

You want to feel sorry for the guy, but then you remember he's a Con who the heart of a snake.

GregComlish November 10, 2011 at 8:01 am

Energy Secretary Stephen Chu is laughing his ass off

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 8:10 am

Shorter Dick Perry: Maths is hard, ya'll.

Isn't is scary to realize that Sarah Palin is smarter than this? She'd have just used her Alaskan telepromter; you know, her hand.

Don't they execute people down in Texas with higher a IQ than Perry? He better be careful. Apparently, all you need to head up Texas government, these days, is a drawl and twang and a pair of expensive cowboy boots. Oh, and an assortment of firearms. Also.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 9:23 am

"Don't they execute people down in Texas with higher a IQ than Perry?"

They'd have to kill 56% of the population (leaving the 44% that voted for Obama)

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 10:00 am

We forget how big a number 44% is! That's a heap of sanity, right there. There's hope for y'all.

HistoriCat November 10, 2011 at 12:54 pm

There might be a little more hope down here if the fucking Democrats would expend a little effort and cash in the state and get some candidates running. In 2010 there was no Democrat running for the Congressional seat in my district.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 11:07 am

Don't worry. The 44% were wiped out in redistricting and poll tax laws.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I don't see any drawbacks to that proposal.

4TheTurnstiles November 10, 2011 at 8:15 am

Right now, T-Paw is masturbating to gay hockey porn and thinking… man, I pulled out too soon

johnnyzhivago November 10, 2011 at 8:19 am

Shareholders: Meet the next CEO of Hewlett-Packard!!!!!!!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm

'Bout as good as the last few, I reckon. Say! Didn't Cara Carleton Sneed come from TexASS too?

x111e7thst November 10, 2011 at 8:20 am

Is it too late For Dame Giuliani http://tinyurl.com/6fm766 to get into the race? Repukes need a new savior stat.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Filing deadlines have passed, but there's always the possibility of a brokered convention, haw haw haw.

Poindexter718 November 10, 2011 at 8:21 am

Get that hombre some Tex-Lax, he's got an elimination problem!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Isn't "Tex-Lax" code for "shoot another hole next to his anus"?

Poindexter718 November 10, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Why, yes it is. A special hole for extruding really big ideas like "DoE."

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 3:23 pm

It's so nice to have confirmation of the details.

Negropolis November 10, 2011 at 8:24 am

You guys must forgive him. It's pretty hard to concentrate when Herman is winking at you and mouthing dirty words.

neiltheblaze November 10, 2011 at 8:25 am

Now that Rick Perry is about to descend into Michele Bachman numbers, and Herman Cain is starting to crash too – I wonder which of the retreads is going to be the next Savant / Messiah candidate for 12 minutes. Newt, the "intellectual"? Maybe Jon Huntsman if he stops being invisible? Because we know the "anyone but Mitt" crowd will not be mollified – at least not yet. They may eventually realize they've got nowhere else to go – but I don't think they're ready for that yet.

I gotta say – Barry is awfully fortunate in his opponents – and I really see no way in which his luck doesn't hold out. By the time the election rolls around, the entire country is going to be sick to death of whichever of these clowns finally gets the nod.

Come here a minute November 10, 2011 at 10:05 am

Huntsman has the LDS disease too; Republican primary voters don't want to catch those cooties. "Anyone but Mitt" should be interpreted as "Anyone but Mitt, or any other Mormon"

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 10:08 am

And against Huntsman, Barry can always say, "Is that so? Why didn't you mention it when you were in bed with my Administration?"

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I swear, that man must have a crystal ball or something. How neatly he sidelined the only REAL serious contender! Leaving the crazies to duke it out for who gets the honor of being crushed by his resoled size 10s.

enbuenora November 10, 2011 at 8:38 am

HA HA! Mike Huckabee joked that re. Herman Cain that when formerly fat-ass Huckafuck went to his beloved Popeye's Fried Chicken and Toilet Greasers it might HA HA HA have been HA HA HA 'sexual harassment' when the cashiers with ladyparts called him HA HA HA 'honey'!

HEE HEE HEE HEE it's Southern Fried Right Wing Humor! We love it!

Monsieur_Grumpe November 10, 2011 at 8:43 am

Maybe Perry can get a job as a mannequin. I think he’s qualified for that. Maybe.

comrad_darkness November 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

He's got the hair for it.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:27 pm

On his ass, maybe. That thang on his head looks like our poor old doggie wut got the mange one year.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:51 am

He can't stay shut up for that long… especially if he catches a buzz first.

Barrelhse November 10, 2011 at 8:43 am

This is the British take on the debate from the Guardian.uk- highly amusing. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/nov/10/gop-d

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:40 am

Har! "In summary: this was a cosmically awful debate."

Those elitist Brit-folk…

EDIT: Perfect quote: "It adds a new terror to life and makes death a long-felt want."

Monsieur_Grumpe November 10, 2011 at 8:46 am

I'm surprised he didn't use the gold standard of Republican answers.
"All of them (insert questioners name here) "

itsjesuscriss November 10, 2011 at 8:55 am

Please don't let this be the end of Perry. It is way to entertaining to watch him. Santorum and Bachman give me the creeps. Willard is a manequin, but Perry, he makes me laugh. Out of all the candidates, Perry is the one I'd want to have a beer with, even though I'd never vote for him.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

Hell, at every band practice I have beers (and shots, and tokes) with guys I would never even vote like… let alone for.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I wouldn't mind having a beer with that dumbass either, so long as I got to push an entire platefull of lightly salted poisoned rat dicks down his worthless gullet.

Allmighty_Manos November 10, 2011 at 8:56 am

If Ron Paul was really in the game he would suggested the Department of Veterans Affairs or the Social Security Adminstration.

Come here a minute November 10, 2011 at 9:14 am

Please let's finally get rid of the Department of Redundancy Department.

LiveToServeYa November 10, 2011 at 9:18 am

"If elected president, I will nuke three countries: China … Russia … and one other. No, no, don't help me…"

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:54 am

Florida?

Terry November 10, 2011 at 9:31 am

Psst. Rick. Over here. Time for you and me to have another wee chat.

The Department of Commerce. Are you sure you want to axe it entirely? Businesses can do just fine without the help or interference of government? Did you ask the businessmen who give you big fat checks what they think? Ask how many of them are taking checks of various kinds for their business, from agricultural subsidies to government money for R&D. Add up how much help your businessman backers are actually taking from the government. Then, ask them which of those programs (across Commerce, Agriculture, Energy, other agencies) they want cut.

Now, Rick. You live in Texas, right? You saw a few years back when Hurricane Ike tried to wipe Galveston off the map, correct? Weather folks on tv don't really do the forecasting. It's done by NOAA, which actually makes up the majority of the Dept of Commerce. Didn't realize that, did you? Why is NOAA in Commerce, you'll have to ask Nixon. You know those oil spills along the Gulf Coast? NOAA's out there responding to them.

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:41 am

You'd have more success getting through to Perry with a cat toy.

Terry November 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

A gun shaped cat toy.

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 9:56 am

With a frickin' laser on it.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 11:11 am

I have close relatives who are frothing-at-the mouth conservatives. But they sure do like them their farm subsidies. And they sure whine when they don't get what they think is coming to them for not growing something.

And they sure brag when they have been in the hospital to the tune of upwards of $100K, but hey only had to pay about 8 cents because of that Medicare.

But by god, they don't want those brown people taking all of the jobs and living off welfare, as they sit there in the barcaloungers, counting up their oil checks, which they inherited from someone who was a lot smarter than they generations ago. But that's different.

Chichikovovich November 10, 2011 at 9:34 am

Dear voting majority of Texans (not Texas Wonketteers, not some of my pals in Austin, not some other people too, of course, who are more to be pitied than blamed): For years you have seen exactly what we saw last night, over and over again. And your reaction was "Hey – let's make this guy governor". You compared Jim Hightower to this trainwreck and said "Agriculture commissioner? Perry, fer shur." And having voted him in once, you saw what we are seeing now and voted him in several more times. What were you thinking? "I'm tired of intellectuals like George Bush in the governor's office!" perhaps?

Just thought I'd let you know that you have given us overwhelming reason to believe that a voting majority of Texans are morons. In the future, you should expect lots of dumb Texan jokes, and you shouldn't complain, because you earned them honestly.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

I've proudly resisted the Stockholm Syndrome for 35 years now!!!

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 9:57 am

I tell people I served in several foreign countries: Korea, Germany and Texas.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 11:06 am

I was out of the country from 2000 to 2009, and opted to not vote absentee in the state elections because the slate was so pitiful. I am a yellow dog democrat, but back in the 1960s and 1970s, I would vote for the Socialist Party or La Raza Unida rather than for whoever was running for governor at the time. At that time they were still Dixiecrats, so were on the Democratic ticket. Sorry lot, all of them. Except for Ralph Yarborough. I have done my part. I am fifth generation Texan, ancestors died in the Alamo, that sort of thing. But my God this state is driving me crazeeee.

Steverino247 November 10, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Ancestors died in the Alamo? Wow! You should run for office down there, dude! That's worth a lot of votes right there.

(By the way, I heard the Texas constitution was found inscribed on gold plates in the bathroom of the Alamo. Your ancestor have anything to do with that?)

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:10 pm

You poor, poor thing. I'm so sorry you had to live through the destruction of your state.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:57 am

(or the actual version they will understand)

Y'all's a bunch uh Deeip Sheeits!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I'm still gobsmacked that ANYone would vote for this shite-filled dumbass over the great and witty Jim Hightower.

kingcocrazy November 10, 2011 at 9:38 am

As my late father would say, "He's so damn dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."

James Michael Curley November 10, 2011 at 9:46 am

That one I'm gonna remember!

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:58 am

Thanks you!! I can (and will) use that at least 10 times… today.

Indiepalin November 10, 2011 at 9:45 am

Rick Perry has more brains in his giant head than Obama has in his fingernail.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 10, 2011 at 10:18 am

Maybe. I think the jury's still out on that one.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:21 am

Rick Perry definitely has more fingernails in his brain than Obama has on his fingertips.

carlgt1 November 10, 2011 at 9:45 am

well it's a grand Repub tradition — who can forget that hilarious gaffe Lincoln did of "four days & seven years ago? or was it four hours & seven years ago? four decades? oops…."

mereoblivion November 10, 2011 at 9:46 am

Theirs three kinds of peeple in the world, peeple who are good at math and peeple who arnt.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:19 am

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Geez. Awful. I thought I left those jokes behind when I left the SillyValley.

You oughta be ashamed, Dok.

DahBoner November 10, 2011 at 9:46 am

He's not a detail man.

More of a 'big picture' man.

If the big picture is drawn with crayons….

Tundra Grifter November 10, 2011 at 9:50 am

The Housewares Department?

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:52 am

hahaha

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 9:51 am

If Rick Perry was Augustus McRae, "Lonesome Dove" would have been 10 pages long, ending with Gus tripping and shooting himself in the face while chasing Blue Duck.

not that Dewey November 10, 2011 at 10:20 am

SPOILER ALERT!

comrad_darkness November 10, 2011 at 9:59 am

This guy is an SNL skit right? RIGHT?

Jesus.

finallyhappy November 10, 2011 at 11:48 am

When Bill Hader was doing the Perry skit- he was laughing – hard to parody someone who is already a joke

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

For Rick, you don't need parody. Just put all his video clips on an endless loop.

thefrontpage November 10, 2011 at 10:06 am

The U.S. Departmen of Commerce includes the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the National Institute of Standards and Technology, an extremely important govermnent office that regulates all sorts of industry standards and regulations that actually do some good, the U.S. Census, which has been praised by Republicans and used for ousting Democrats from their legislative districts, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which conducts some of the most important research on our oceans, bodies of water, marine environments and the air that we breathe, and the International Trade Administration, which oversees important trade regulations. Of course, it's wholly stupid to even consider eliminating this department. And in an age when everyone–including Republicans and conservatives–stress the need for new energy resources and better education, it's completely insane and stupid and ignorant to even consider eliminating the departments of Education and Energy. What on earth would that accomplish? Here's the first federal government department that should be eliminated: Anything having anything to do with far-right, conservative Republicans. That's the best place to start cutting.

Mumbletypeg November 10, 2011 at 10:31 am

I found it interesting that when he responded to (Mitts'?) suggestion of EPA, that he qualified his assertion with "Well, not do away with EPA. . . we want to rework/ revamp' " it, as opposed to eliminating outright. So it seems his coaching by advisers or whoever has resulted in buzzwords that set off synapses in his head enough to register "what to cut, what to keep & what to wave a magic wand for a makeover" — but its not clear he's absorbed the implications and ramifications of the priorities he intones.
This shallow grasp of his own message might worry me almost as much or more than *what* he spouts off — he himself is able to make less sense of it than we the audience can. (I see you've been chided elsewhere for not snarking enough but I'm feeling pretty grave about last night's spectacle too). Rather than "OH NO HE DID NOT!" I experienced instead a kind of sinking *thud* of recognition that this really is the best a significant contingent of our electorate can come up with. This farce did not start with the Cain cult of personality and it won't end with Mormon-phobia as Mitt shores up the marginal victory when other contenders' efforts are ashes. What I think I recognized was that Perry's 'gaffe' sealed his fate (as I could hear some groan-&-murmur in the audience) as about as extreme a reaction as a positive embrace of an emotionally-driven populace. The gaffe and others like it should have been an eye-opener to the thorough incompetence of the entire bunch. But with a cognitively challenged, mentally debased corral of puppets as the far right, it merely signifies who 'got kicked off the island/ "you are the weakest link, g'bye" ' and nothing deeper, no extended reach for judgment of what this means for them,, the people. Cesspool or mudpit, all they know is they're standing in something yelping for a cartoon hero to pull them out but the bacterial infection or toe fungus is rotting either way because no one has summoned an actual expert.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 10:50 am

What Mubletypeg said.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:17 pm

A simply brilliant analysis. (Doffs hat)

Thank you.

I will now go slash my veins open.

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 10:10 am

So 3 departments to go…
Like Nein, Nein, Nein?

thefrontpage November 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

Additionally, these idiots who keep saying that the federal government should eliminate the EPA, which is, especially today, one of the most needed, most important and most vital government agency: The only reason these fat-cat far-right conservative Republicans want to eliminate the EPA is because the EPA dares to enact, enforce and regulate important environmental rules, regulations and laws on the polluting, criminal and corrupt big businesses that the conservative Republicans run. They hate having their polluting, corrupt big businesses regulated to protect the environment–and then they're the first to complain when they see smog, drought, pollution and trash in their precious hunting and fishing grounds. What a bunch of morons! If anything, the departments of Commerce, Energy and EPA need to do more to regulate pollution and big business, and the important Education department needs to do more to battle the crazy creationists, evolution deniers, religious zealots and other fringe crazies who want to destroy normal, intelligent education in the United States. So of course we need these departments–and we need them operating at full-force.

Dok-cupy Everything November 10, 2011 at 10:22 am

Well, yes, but I would like to point out that your post needs an anal sex joke to really work here.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Buttsechs! Haha!

Does that help?

comrad_darkness November 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

This man's brain is suffering from lead, mercury AND cadmium poisoning, so I can see why he'd want to eliminate the EPA. Didn't do him any good.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 10:17 am

Apparently this Bartiromo woman brought up the harrassment question to Herman, to boos. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/09/herman-c

Herman's response was "For every person who'd come forward with a false accusation, there are thousands who will say 'I never saw that from Herman Cain.'"

I suppose Jerry Sandusky could say the very same thing, right?

DaRooster November 10, 2011 at 11:07 am

I would not be lying if I said, "I did not see that from Herman Cain."… so I guess he is correct… there probably are thousands of people that would say that.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I expect some ancient withered Nazi or Japanese war criminal to creep out of hiding any second now demanding rehabilitation because "think of all the people I DIDN'T kill/torture/maim/wound/terrify!"

And the scary thing is, the idiot audience actually thought that lamebrain had made some kind of point.

anniegetyerfun November 10, 2011 at 10:32 am

He does seem to believe that shrugging and saying "Oops" is incredibly charming and will get him out of any bad situation. I mean, it obviously has so far, so why stop now?

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2011 at 10:46 am

Brace yourselves, Politico is about to push the button on a story about Cain's minority interest in a "Nevada spa" called "BlondieHead".

Indiepalin November 10, 2011 at 10:56 am

You're just making this up…?!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Please god let it be an example of Chet's HUMOUR and not a real story PLEEZ!

HistoriCat November 10, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Oh please let that be true!

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 12:24 am

And, his minority interest in an Atlanta brothel called "Chickenhead." Also.

chascates November 10, 2011 at 10:55 am

There's that Department of Law Palin was talkin' about.

TeaNuts November 10, 2011 at 11:04 am

Is it me or did Perry seem the most Reaganish (praise be to he), of course I am referring to the early onset of Alzheimer's.

comrad_darkness November 10, 2011 at 11:06 am

That's praise be to He. You cretin.

TeaNuts November 10, 2011 at 11:15 am

I have been properly chastised! He, (slap) He (slap)

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Hee hee.

I mean, there's a THEME here, right?

notreelyhelping November 10, 2011 at 11:23 am

Too bad the mic didn't catch it when Cain said, "Close one of them 'stans."

crybabyboehner November 10, 2011 at 11:35 am

OK Rick, thanks for playing, hit the showers.

Negropolis November 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

Coach Sandusky, that you?

Mumbly_Occupado November 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm

My favorite part was when Ron Paul tried to help him out;

"Psst! The answer you're looking for is 'all of them, Katie'."

ugodOH November 10, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Just for the record, he should have said Homeland Security, Veterans Affairs, and the DEA.

NewtsChicknNeck November 10, 2011 at 3:45 pm

In stark contrast to the other candidates' mile-wide and inch-deep understanding of the federal government and the day's political issues, Rick has taken the unusual approach of dumbing these down further with his inch-wide, inch-deep strategy. ladies and gentlemen, Your 2012 Republican Presidential Nominee, Mr. Rick Perry.

Troglodeity November 10, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Santorum/Bachmann/Huntsman thought bubbles: "I can't believe I'm still behind this guy in the polls!"

flamingpdog November 10, 2011 at 12:42 am

Sorry, hated to do that to you, but I'm a sick pdog and I just couldn't resist.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 12:45 am

You sure are, but you're my good buddy, so go ahead, amuse yourself at my expense, see if I care.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 1:00 am

John Cleese would make mincemeat out of Perry within seconds.

And Cain is definitely going down, and not in the way he wants, either. Thank you deity-that-i-don't-believe-in.

CapnFatback November 10, 2011 at 1:32 am

Happy Hannukkah!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:07 am

You guyz! It was Eric ROEHM!!

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:46 am

Ah. OK.

Yes, fairly new. I used to come by quite a while ago, but stopped and didn't come back till some time this year — May? March? Something like that.

Didn't you used to be SmokeFilledDoommate, or something like that?

ShitFilledExistence November 10, 2011 at 2:58 am

Original is 'roommate', was 'doommate' for awhile..
Tony? Or something like that?

fishskicanoe November 10, 2011 at 8:26 am

Hey hey hey, leaves us neanderthals out of this. This kind of putrid racism is a defining characteristic of human mental illness. The type that we neanderthals have never suffered from.

swordfis November 10, 2011 at 8:46 am

You're right. We're looking at damaged genes here, not inherited ones.

Chichikovovich November 10, 2011 at 9:12 am

You mean you want a room.

What?

You want a room. You said "Röhm".

Yes, yes, I know, that's what I said, I want a Röhm.

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Who's Tony?

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Zere is a meunkey in my rheum.

nonbeliever7 November 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Peter was one of the best…

Herring_Burnit November 10, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Lousy husband and father, according to all reports, but an absolute fucking comedic genius of the first water. I miss the miserable sonofabitch.

NellCote71 November 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Brazil nuts were prized objects to be fought over in the Christmas can of mixed nuts. The blue one with Mr. Peanuts in spats and a monocle. I always had an orange in my Christmas stocking because my parents got them as a treat during the Depression. I never could figure out if this was a memorial to the Depression or a reminder of how lucky I was or if they seriously thought this was a treat. Probably a combination.

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