HELLSCAPES 4:35 pm November 9, 2011

Liveblogging History’s First GOP Debate of November 2011, Tonight!

Did anyone survive the Department of Homeland Security’s gigantic failure of an attempt to beam Lady Gaga’s crappy dance music across the country and into their brains through their teevees this afternoon? Do you have any idea what we are talking about? If not, congratulations, you at least are not someone who watches daytime television. For those of you who are still left, join us tonight at 8pm ET to watch a forgettable collection of idiots say awkward things about Herman Cain’s junk! Hooray!

121 comments

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 121 comments }

nounverb911 November 9, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Will the first question to Mitt be "How many people did you fire while at Bain and how many of those jobs were exported to China"?

Geminisunmars November 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Riiiigghhhhttt.

starfanglednut November 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

God, I hope so.

Not_So_Much November 9, 2011 at 5:15 pm

That would be awesome.

The followup could be to Cain, "Where the white women at?!"

NorthStarSpanx November 9, 2011 at 5:23 pm: And how good was Huntsman's Mandarin as he delivered the news to his overlords?

flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:10 pm

"You take that question first, Newt."

Sophist[Kochblocker] November 10, 2011 at 12:30 pm

"All of them."

chascates November 9, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Let's hope Bachmann finally names that 'frugal socialist' who's running for President.

nounverb911 November 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

She really meant to say "Fraggle".

ShitFilledExistence November 9, 2011 at 5:02 pm: Mokey is definitely the Fraggle socialist. Or wait–they all are. They live on some commune called Fraggle Rock for fuck's sake.
Guppy November 9, 2011 at 5:10 pm: Dance your cares away!
Worry's for another day!
Let the music play!

Sounds like an accurate summation of the GOP's fiscal policy.

nounverb911 November 9, 2011 at 4:43 pm

First question to Michele: "When was the last time you went to your day job, and are you still being paid for not showing up"?

Mumbletypeg November 9, 2011 at 4:45 pm

M1's response: "Me no legis-late. Me cand-i-date!"

Tundra Grifter November 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Have you noticed how Ole Crazy Eyes never says she worked for the much-loved I.R.S.?

She always says she was a "tax attorney" or that she "worked for the Treasury Department."

Chet Kincaid November 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I despise the way she pronounces "tax attorney."

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 8:40 am: Huh. I despise everything about her. About all of them, actually, since they are all despicable.

OneYieldRegular November 9, 2011 at 6:36 pm

If anyone will not work, neither shall she eat.

SorosBot November 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I'll be out drinking and playing quizzo tonight, which is more fun than drinking and watching the debate; have fun, guys, and try to create another 1000+ monster thread.

chascates November 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

It'll probably be just a beat-up-on-Romneyfest with the camera trying to catch Cain palming Bachmann's ass.

DaRooster November 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm: Head…
SorosBot November 9, 2011 at 5:01 pm: That would never happen; not unless Bachmann died her hair blond.
Not_So_Much November 9, 2011 at 5:16 pm: Cut to Marcus looking jealous and doing suggestive things with a lollipop…

Barb November 9, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I'll be working with Lizzie to knit woolens for the #OWL folks. I've been at it for a week and I have made 7 scarves and 2 ski-style headbands, so far.

starfanglednut November 9, 2011 at 5:00 pm

That is really sweet. I'd join you, but I was taught how to knit by my left handed mother who was shitfaced at the time.

OccupytheDashboard November 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm: I'm getting a spider on acid vibe there.

Geminisunmars November 9, 2011 at 5:20 pm

You're such a mensch!

flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I'd join you, too, Barb, but I'm a spaz, and the only thing I can knit is my brow.

Barb November 9, 2011 at 6:34 pm: Awww, that is sweet of you to offer.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 9, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I go now to forage for beverages.
~

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Uh-oh — Mitt only has a few hours to make an awkward pass at some woman or else his cred will be completely demolished.

Gleem_McShineys November 9, 2011 at 6:24 pm: So how does this work for those in the conservatribe?
If Mitt pays off a sexually harrassed employee for less than Herman Cain did, then he's the real fiscal conservative?
Kidneys4Sale November 9, 2011 at 7:36 pm: It wont help. It'll play as 2nd 3rd wife shopping. Mitt's gonna have to get caught crapping on a 12 year old black boy in a Hitler mask if he wants to be accepted.

Geminisunmars November 9, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I think I have an anal cyst I want to drain tonight. Too bad I'll miss it, though.

Troglodeity November 9, 2011 at 6:01 pm: Tonight, all of the Republican candidates on the debate stage are anal cysts being drained.
Gleem_McShineys November 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm: Lucky! Leaking butt-pus will make sense.

Barb November 9, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I hope that someone asks Michele Bachman if she skims the Constitution for the pictures. God knows, she ain't reading it for the articles.

shrillharpy November 9, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I think you could say that about all of the GOP hopefuls, with the possible exceptions being the two mormons, no?

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm: Because they know Jeebus wrote it.

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

I had a feeling you were going to make this comment tonight.

Barb November 9, 2011 at 6:35 pm

V! I am so going to come there and spank you! I e-mailed you this morning, telling you that I was going to post this. I use you as a filter.

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Everything will be ready when get here. Don’t lollygag or dilly-dally!

Barb November 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm: You are more kinks than vanilla, aren't you?

SexySmurf November 9, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I don't care.

BigDumbRedDog November 9, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I would rather have my head pushed into herman cain's crotch than watch this.

Barb November 9, 2011 at 4:56 pm

You want the job don't you?

BigDumbRedDog November 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm: No. No. A thousand times NO.

starfanglednut November 9, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Kirsten, in my opinion you are a comic genius.

chascates November 9, 2011 at 5:01 pm

At least the Republic may have dodged a bullet today (Oct. 23, <a href="http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/zieve/111023):” target=”_blank”>http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/zieve/111023):

Now, in a secondary move to seize all power in the country for himself and his syndicate, Obama has decided that he will confiscate ALL television and Radio broadcasts for a supposed "test" of the EAS (Emergency Alert System). Communication for both US television and Radio will be cut off on 9 November 2011 for at least 3-4 minutes. This is both unprecedented in our history and constitutes the final phase of Obama's testing of his ability to seize communications in the USA at will. In the past, real Presidents of the USA have asked for time from the various broadcast networks when there was an emergency and they needed to speak. No more. We are now firmly in the bowels of the Obama dictatorship and said tyrant is violating each and every principle and law contained with the US Constitution.

weejee November 9, 2011 at 5:09 pm

On what planet do those folks live? Sweet Jeebus!

Blueb4sunrise November 9, 2011 at 5:15 pm: ThEIR R NOW UTHER PLALTETS!!!!!!!!!!
WAIK PU SHEEEEEEPLES!!

Not_So_Much November 9, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Glad I had my tinfoil cap and underoos in place all day. (but the chafing is a bitch)

Geminisunmars November 9, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Ha ha. That's a pretty funny Onion piece. What?

tihond November 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Need more "light bulb tyranny"

Barrelhse November 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Yer Fuckin'-A, goddammit!!! Wake up, sheeple!!11!

HedonismBot November 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

HSA? Obama? The government agency that confuses Lady Gaga for an emergency broadcast, and the president who begins every poker game by showing his hand to his opponents? These are the people the wingnuts are so afraid of?

flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm: These people are afraid of their own shadows. And spiders with laser beam eyes.

imissopus November 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

NO MOAR TRAFFIC STOP SLAVERY EITHER, TOO. ALSO.

ShaveTheWhales November 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

"unprecedented in our history": I do not think this phrase means what you think it means.

mayor_quimby November 9, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Award-winning crazy right there. It's like Anthony Bourdain took up teabagging/birtherism.

CapnFatback November 9, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I will take a shot for every occurrence of the following at tonight's debate:

* mention of the "Christmas tree tax"
* word slurred by Rick Perry
* woman groped by Herman Cain
* "Uh-oh, I just pooped a little" look by Michele Bachmann
* live bat eaten by Newt Gingrich in a desperate plea for attention

I should be pretty hammered by 8:05 p.m.

littlebigdaddy November 9, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I would have 911 on speed dial if you don't already.

CapnFatback November 9, 2011 at 5:19 pm: If–as I suspect an outside chance of–Rick Santorum conducts self-immolation, I will chug a fifth of Inferno vodka for metaphorical effect during my stumble to the ER.

Geminisunmars November 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm

What will Santorum be eating in a desperate plea for attention?

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:15 pm: Maybe he could sneak in some gory pictures of aborted fetuses to wave around.

edgydrifter November 9, 2011 at 5:09 pm

If Cain mashes his crotch against Bachmann, I will switch my voter's registration to Republican.
If he mashes his crotch against Perry, I will vote Republican.

OccupytheDashboard November 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Vote Cain! A dungeon in every garage, and a cock in every crotch.

tihond November 9, 2011 at 5:23 pm

"Let America be Gropey Again!"

flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm: That's the grope we can believe in!

Troglodeity November 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

And if Perry tenderly cradles Cain's crotch the way he held that bottle of maple syrup, I will contribute to the Republican Party!

OCcupied_Surf_Serf November 9, 2011 at 5:14 pm

You all just know Gingrich is sitting back, waiting for the implosions to end, and picking out a bat-shit crazy running mate…

tihond November 9, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I'm not sure Gingrich can run for anything.

flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:20 pm: I'm not sure he can mate with anything.

OccupytheDashboard November 9, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Any bets that there won't be ONE question about Cain's crotchety antics?

tihond November 9, 2011 at 5:24 pm: Romney will probably mention it. Perry will try to mention it but will somehow end up making it sound like he's making a drunken pass at Greta Van Beckistan.
HempDogbane November 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm: "Please discuss the Hermaneutics of sexual harassment."

NorthStarSpanx November 9, 2011 at 5:18 pm

No matter how awkward this whole debacle gets, it still won't make me watch these time-sucking beams broadcast to sweaty-fisted baggers across the land.

chascates November 9, 2011 at 5:19 pm

To build up some excitement for tonight's festivities here's Mike Tyson as Herman Cain: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4ecfd3a85f/herma…

littlebigdaddy November 9, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I never thought I'd really miss the NBA. But after a couple rounds of this giant suckfest I would actually enjoy seeing overpaid arrogant ballplayers saunter up and down the court. Gawd–maybe I'll have to watch hockey!

smoothmineral November 9, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I just hope they have the cameras on Marcus Bachmann when he asks Hermain Cain for a job.

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I thought this was last night….oh, well. One extra day isn't going to make these candidates less terrible.

Indiepalin November 9, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Does anyone know if this is on TV?

chascates November 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm: It's on CNBC I believe.
flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:25 pm: Does anyone care if this is on TV?

Except for Teabaggers and the liquor industry?

chascates November 9, 2011 at 5:45 pm

And from the HermanCain PAC is the official word on one of his accusers:
Herman Cain Accuser Karen Kraushaar works for Obama and she’s ugly http://hermancainpac.com/2011/11/herman-cain-accu…

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2011 at 6:07 pm: So very classy of them — I can imagine how useful this sort of approach will be to the Cain administration in delicate negotiations over East Jerusalem and other such tricky situations.
V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm: Your truly compulsive groper has no interest in what the gropee looks like, except in this case she must apparently be white and blond. It's a power thing, not a love thing.

The guy is textbook. Let me reiterate:

"I reject the charges" + "I don't recall this person" ≠ "I didn't do it."

"I never behaved inappropriately" = "She was askin for it!"
flamingpdog November 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm: Um, Kos says this website is bogus, and I tend to agree.

Barrelhse November 9, 2011 at 5:48 pm

While we're waiting I'll toss this out- seems to almost write its own comments. http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/updates/176…

littlebigdaddy November 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm: I was wondering how the PSU pedophile scandal and the goopers were connected–now I know. And I bet Sandusky was a huge fan of ol frothy.

MissTaken November 9, 2011 at 5:54 pm

You only have your first November GOP debate once, so better make it count!

tihond November 9, 2011 at 6:42 pm: Bristol Palin regrets having been talked into her first one after a few wine coolers.

littlebigdaddy November 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I like to think of Sarah P sitting in her Wasilla hovel among empty pizza boxes, old People magazines, broken toys, and Bristol's soiled undies yelling at the 52-inch HD flat screen, occasionally throwing pieces of Halloween candy whenever Sheley is onscreen.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 8:48 am: Katie, I'm ready for my close-up.

Troglodeity November 9, 2011 at 6:07 pm

We've had previous moderators ask the candidates to show their hands as to whether they believe in evolution, or global warming. How about asking them whether they believe proven sexual harassment payments of nearly $100,000 on top of sexual harassment allegations by five different women should disqualify someone from the GOP nomination?

Ahhh, the moderator'll never have the balls to do that.

notreelyhelping November 9, 2011 at 6:11 pm

This will either be the greatest insane debate ever…or it'll look like group therapy for a bunch of shoe salesmen whose antidepressants have crapped out.

GeorgiaBurning November 9, 2011 at 7:02 pm: We need Alec Baldwin to tell them what second prize is…..

chascates November 9, 2011 at 6:13 pm

CNBC will not live stream the debate online so it's cable only. I'll be watching the PBS Nature special on that bad-ass eagle in the jungle and fitting the liveblog here in with it. Should be pretty close come to think of it.

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2011 at 6:23 pm: MSNBC is sponsoring it, so I imagine they'll have a live feed.

imissopus November 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm

What a shame that I'll likely be sitting in traffic.

chascates November 9, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Cain just lost the mustache vote: http://www.americanmustacheinstitute.org/blog/201…

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm: Tonsorial libel!

littlebigdaddy November 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Will Sheley be off her meds? Will Perry be drunk? Will Hermie opine about which white chicks are doable? I am counting on you, Wonketteers, to keep me up to speed, cuz no way in hell I'm watching that shit!

V572625694 November 9, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Questions that none of CNBC's corporate-bigshot-fluffers on the panel will ask:

1. Please explain the mechanism through which deregulation creates jobs. Be specific!
2. If corporations are sitting on billions of profits and hiding more overseas, and yet not creating jobs, how will lowering their taxes induce them to create more jobs?
3. Isn't inheritance tax a critical defense against the creation of hereditary oligarchy? Wasn't this country created to escape tyrannical hereditary aristocracy? Do you want it back?

Come here a minute November 9, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I've seen this episode before; Richie goes to Hollywood, and Fonzie, well, you know what he jumps over.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 9, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I'm hoping Perry and Mittens start slapping each other like lttle girls.

OneYieldRegular November 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Live-blogging is so yesteryear. Can't we get those bad lip reading people to bad lip read the entire debate instead?

rocktonsam November 9, 2011 at 6:45 pm

if its not on the drinking channel, I ain't watching

chascates November 9, 2011 at 6:46 pm

The promo referred to them as 'harpies' so there's that.

BaldarTFlagass November 10, 2011 at 8:50 am: Bad-ass eagle doesn't give a shit.

BlueStateLibel November 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm

I'll wager $50 that Newt is the first one to allude to Cain's lady problems, just got a hunch.

Gleem_McShineys November 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm

ANOTHER ONE? OH JOY.
What sort of softball questions will they lob for them this time?

"Surprise fingerbang vs. sudden nipplepinch. Which one gets better results?"

cheetojeebus November 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

How long should I hold this spoon over the burner to sterilize it before I dig out my own brain? Or can I just swirl it around in some bourbon first? You know in preparation for the show.

johnnyzhivago November 9, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Right, and some people saw a screen inviting them to the local Masonic Lodge's Friday Night Bingo Fling. Tell me this doesn't have something to do with the Trilateral/Bilderberg Conspiracy.

Rasvar November 9, 2011 at 8:02 pm