An undated file photo of the endangered government Christmas Tree.

Even your Xmas holiday decorations are not safe from a secret Mooslim like Barack Obama, who today probably realized for the first time that the National Christmas Tree Association filed a request to the Department of Agriculture to collect a fifteen-cent fee on every live Christmas tree sold this year by a large grower, to raise money for an industry ad campaign encouraging Americans to go back to buying real murdered trees instead of the plastic Tofurkey tree equivalents that don’t accidentally catch on fire as well. Why has Obama suddenly heard about this? Hm, let’s review… “fee”…”Christmas”…”government agency”… ha ha, you know where this is going. “OBAMA TAXES CHRISTMAS TREES” is today’s top wingnut headline!

Here is the story about the tiny self-imposed fee, which is fun mostly because it reveals that the world of Christmas tree sales is actually INTENSE and cutthroat and real tree farmers hate fake tree poser super fake farmers. Notably, however, the story does not in any way mention Obama.

Nonetheless, a Heritage Foundation blahg post declared the measure to be Obama’s final offer to fix the country, and thusly finds it to be lacking:

The economy is barely growing and nine percent of the American people have no jobs. Is a new tax on Christmas trees the best President Obama can do?

As you might imagine, several thousand wingnut commenters then went completely, off-the-reservation insane. Oh, here’s one at random, from “Dave”:

Is this a fee only on Christians? Is that legal?

If I call it a “Holiday Tree,” does that mean I don’t have to pay the 15 cents?

So in conclusion to this tragic tale, Barack Obama gave an annoyed sigh or possibly just one of his aides sighed on his behalf, and now the “tax” has been “delayed,” forever. [ABC News/McClatchy]

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  • nounverb911

    Rush Limbaugh's head to explode in 3..2..1..

    • DaRooster

      So there will be fireworks for Christmas.

    • When that bloated childraping pusbag's head finally explodes, the entire nation will find itself experiencing a soothing calm hitherto unknown to even the calmest among us. He's like a boil on the arsehole of America. You know that whatever's in it can't possibly be good but you dread having to actually pop it and deal with the resulting guck.

      • We'll need some giant, giant baby wipes to wipe that guck up.

        • Green-tea-scented cat ass wipes. Much bigger than baby wipes, also more effective. Don't even ask me how I know this shit. Er, so to speak.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      We can only hope.

    • We should be so lucky.

    • Come on, you have to know his head only fake 'splodes to attract the knuckledraggers who jack up his ratings so he can afford those all-expenses-paid vacays to Thai boy toy sex resorts.

  • nounverb911

    What about "Festivus" poles and Channukah bushes?

    • McRibzgood

      Channukah, Channukah, let me rock you Channukah….Oh wrong song.

      • jqheywood

        Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan?

        • McRibzgood


          • DaRooster

            Please sir, Kahn I have some… more…

    • Not_So_Much

      The 'airing of grievances' is starting early this year.

    • DaRooster

      Feats of strength anyone? How about you Joe Walsh?!?

      • @RepJoeWalsh? That scumbucket's sole strength lies in his ability to turn his back on the children he spawned and leave them to the tender mercies of the "free market."

    • MissTaken

      Keep your Festivus pole away from my Channukah bush!

      • SorosBot

        I wouldn't mind some Chanukah bush, most Jewish girls are smart and cute.

        • And neurotic! Don't forget neurotic!

          Still, smart is sexy, so yeah. Jewish girls FTW.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          Smart, sexy, and crazy…you don't have to pick!

          mmmmm Sarah Silverman. Hey…hey! Don't judge me. So what if it's a little creepy for a middle aged dude to lust after her? You have not had my life.

          • HistoriCat

            It's OK – you can still run for president.

          • OccupytheDashboard

            But I haven't even touched her.

          • Roofies and date rape or GTFO!

          • HistoriCat

            That's good – good! But say it with a little more emphasis on "even". And don't bang the podium – that would be over the top.

          • DaRooster

            Or the iPad…

          • SorosBot

            She's forty; that's middle-aged herself, nothing creepy about it.

          • OccupytheDashboard

            Seriously?! I thought she was a lot younger than that.

          • Occupy gets older, but they stay the same age. Alright, alright.

          • See no touch, as we say in the former colonies.

        • My 24 yr. old daughter goes to "Santacon" in NYC as a Channukah Bush. She wears a flesh toned body suit with lots of …uh…hair.
          The highlight of her last outing was a matronly old lady saying to her grand daughter: "See, I told you pubes were back!"

          • Your daughter's part of Laughing Squid? How cool is that!

      • jqheywood

        If you don't, you could have Labor Days nine months later. Just sayin'

  • SorosBot

    In favor of using real trees, they smell nice, and… no the artificial trees are superior, simpler and safer in every other way.

    • An_Outhouse

      Made in Murika too! None of that plastic shit from China. Unfortunately many of them are harvested by Messicans.

    • DaRooster

      I had an artificial tree for a few years… I used to hang them air freshener things on it.

      • SayItWithWookies

        You find one on every tree.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          You'll see.

          "fuck that, I ain't gonna be no tree-po man."

    • MissTaken

      I love my fake plastic tree. I bought it from a rubber man in a town full of rubber plans.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        There is a drawback, though.
        It wears you out.

        • horsedreamer_1

          I always hear the lyric as "fake Chinese Robert Plant", which is odd, since Zeppelin never won the East.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      They don't make an artificial tree big enough for my place. You want to know how ridiculous a 10-ft tree looks under a 22-ft ceiling?

      (No, not a McMansion; think "barn.")

  • a_pink_poodle

    Begun, the Christmas Wars, have.

    • smitallica

      Around the Nativity Scene a perimeter create!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Heritage also noted that fake trees are made from aborted fetuses. Also.

    • Not really. Aborted fetuses smell too bad.

      • Yeah, but the little guys make such great ornaments.

        • Aww! Do you have to, I dunno, dip them in acrylic, or something?

          There's a weird, icky horror movie by Fruit Chan about fetus-eating. Surprisingly good, considering the subject matter. OTOH, I watched it back-to-back with some truly horrendous Takashi Miike movie, so maybe it just SEEMED good in comparison. Anyway. My recommend, if you're into watching fetus-eating movies.

          • Am I into watching fetus eating movies?! Who isn't into fetus eating movies?

          • It's called Jiaozi (Dumplings), and it's available through Netflix as a compilation of Asian horror with a Takashi Miike movie you really do not want to see unless you enjoy the sight of people being tortured. Just watch the Fruit Chan movie and ignore the Miike.

      • emmelemm

        Eh, mummification processes can work wonders.

        • I'm always so pleased to be at Teh Wonketz, because I learn something new every day. Not all of it TRUE, or even PALATABLE, but hey.

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Can we at least raise taxes for the War on Christmas??

    • SexySmurf

      The War on Christmas will pay for itself.

      • Schmannnity

        Santa will greet us in the streets with flowers.

        • Gone are the elf rape rooms.

          • PhilippePetain

            The increase in production of anti-sleigh missiles will fund our economic recovery.

          • Negropolis

            Moved to Happy Valley, I hear…

        • Wait … I thought that was Satan … no?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba


          • I forgot. You wouldn't cheer us up if your life depended on it.

      • nounverb911

        There's oil in the North Pole?

        • Negropolis

          Isn't that why Canada and Russia are jockying for it? Seriously, isn't that why? Canada's bagger-lite prime minister is trying to militarize it, isn't he?

    • chicken_thief

      The usual method of raising revenue for wars is to lower corporate taxes – it's working as we speak!

    • McRibzgood

      It's not a "WAR" it's "congressional authorization for the use of military force"

      • Ah, yes. VietNam.

        • Gleem_McShineys

          Look, if you don't invade the North Pole, the Domino Theory states that Easter, Thanksgiving, and even Independence Day itself would turn against us!

          We are sending troops in to END the war on Christmas!!

          • What a load of lies they fed us! Reading the history of WW II and the post-war Independence era in Southeast Asia. If the war on Christmas is conducted anything at all like the war on colonial nations trying to win their independence, we'd better start digging the air-raid shelters now. Nothing like getting hit with reindeer shit from two miles up.

    • General Dynamics and BAE Systems are already working on the stealth sleigh.

    • Generation[redacted]

      What? Do you WANT Santa to develop Presents of Mass Destruction? Support Our Troops![tm]

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      We're sending inedible fruitcakes over there so we won't have to eat it here at home.

      • Well, THAT will certainly start a war. Nothing like being whupped upside the head with flying fruitcake.

        • DaRooster

          You just reminded me of Christmas 1993… don't forget the 24 oz. bottle of Kaopectate… right on the temple… *craaack*.
          But that was 2 wives ago… so I'm better now… derp.

          • I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
            Just like the ones that used to blow …
            May your days be wacky and white
            And may all of your Christmases be shite …

            I'm sorry. Would you prefer the Frank Zappa version with crude lyrics, great music, and hebephilic overtones?

          • RavenRant

            Success in marriage is like success in film-making: It's all in the casting.

      • not that Dewey
    • not that Dewey

      The President has advised us to all go shopping. Wait, what?

  • bureaucrap

    This is clearly a Zionist conspiracy to promote the purchase of crappy blue cellophane "Hannukah Bushes." My fellow hebrews (co-conspirators) know the ones I'm talking about. They're about 1 foot high and even more pathetic and spindly than Charlie Brown's famous chistmas tree.

    • McRibzgood

      I'm not a Jew but they seem pretty cool to me.

      • bureaucrap


        And that can do double duty as a Hanukah Bush or a Hanukah Pole.

      • Since when does a goy know about Chanukah bush?

    • finallyhappy

      I've actually not seen one. I thought our people would just buy Christmas trees and put on dreidels or little Judah Macabees.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    "What? A wingnut is questioning me? To the capitulation cave!!!"

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I read "cave" as a verb and thought you sounded very erudite.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        That's, up, how I MEANT it… *looks around, shifty-like*

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, fuck, you're right. How long before he issues an apologetic statement?

    • OccupytheDashboard

      We might be pleasantly disappointed. Nah…we'll just be regular old disappointed.

  • Betcha Obama wouldn't tax them Muslin Ramadan Trees..

    • The Muslin Ramadan is tricky. Every year you try to stamp it out, they move it 11 days earlier!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, Obama, quit taxing our Xmastime fun out from under us, especially in this terrible economy. Take a cue from the Republicans on this one, and push for an anti-abortion bill. THAT'S WHERE THE JOBS ARE!

  • Tax the trees then take them away, and Rush's prostate grew three sizes that day…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    A dark day in Who-ville, indeed. Or was it What-the-fuck-ville?

  • Indiepalin

    Score one for Grover Norquist.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

    • I know. That's my response to everything these days too.

  • Joshua Norton

    I stopped buying real trees when they started costing more than some of my furniture. Now if I can't pull it out of a box fully lit and decorated, I'm not gonna bother.

    • An_Outhouse

      We just decorate our largest house plant.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I just put some tinsel on a bottle of Balvenie 12-year-old Doublewood single malt. However, it usually doesn't make it past the Sunday of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

        • Joshua Norton

          I prefer a good old fashioned Christmas. A fifth of Rebel Yell and a bag of Quaaludes.

          • Now THAT's a Christmas worth remembering. If you can, of course.

          • Skoalrebel, is that you?

  • Fuck me sideways…do we really need to bring back the "War on Xmas"
    bullshit again? Don't in-laws make the holidays painful enough already?

    • SorosBot

      The War on Christmas Bullshit would be good idea; we could put an end to Christmas ads before Thanksgiving (hell, this year I saw my first in early October) and all the suckiest songs – Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, I'm looking at you.

      • Tell me about it….I worked retail for 4 years. I still have 20 different versions of Carol of the Fucking Bells stuck in my head (and I quit that job 5 years ago).

        • V572625694

          Wait, no "Little Drummer Boy"? ♪♫Bah-rumpa-bum-bumb♪♬

          That's the one that saps what little Xmas spirit I have.

          • anniegetyerfun

            God, I hate that one. Carol of the Bells, I can handle. The Bah-rumpa thing makes my blood boil, and I am not even sure why.

          • For me its Feliz Navidad.

          • Rotundo_

            The thought that a newborn, even the "Son O' God" would be receptive to a drum solo is silly on its face, Unless the percussionist was bearing food or water and shut the hell up he was probably shooed away. If he started jammin' out for Juh-Heeeeezzzzusssss on a snare or tom, he probably would have had his ears boxed and a sound kick in the behind.

          • Just as "Bolero" is the original slow-jam for the love act, "Little Drummer Boy" celebrates the turtling of the pee-pee in winter.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Generally speaking, I'm with you on the Xmas songs. So, as a public service, I'd like to plug one of my favorite bands and their accordion-oompah-polka flavored renditions of Holiday Classics, Brave Combo and "It's Christmas, Man!" (page with musical samples!!)

      • At the stroke of midnight when Halloween is over, the motherfucking commercials start with the jingling!!

      • Yeah the fuckin salvation army guys are already out ringing their goddam bells.

    • Limeylizzie

      We do not celebrate Christmas, due to our extended family being comprised of , in no particular order, lapsed Catholics, Jews, Athiests, Swedish Lutherans and 2 Buddhists, so we have Krishnamas, whereby I cook Indian food and MrLimeylizzie sets up an altar to Krishna which we decorate with palm tree fronds and leave little sweets and candies for him , when he comes down the chimney. Everyone feels included and there are lots of presents to be had.

      • finallyhappy

        I love Indian food- but my favorite God is Ganesha( and I am Jewish) So what time do I come over? I can bring Ganesha and payasam(but to be honest , it would be from a mix- I will throw in extra cashews and big raisins ).

        • Limeylizzie

          We usually do the main feasting and present opening a day or so before Christmas, we always have assorted friends and orphans, so you would be very welcome!

        • My goodness! All kinds of culinary delights I am finding only.

          I had no idea you could actually buy payasam mix. Now all I have to do is find the suji halwa of my youth, and my life will be complete.

          • anniegetyerfun

            HA! "Only". That little word has recently been tacked on to the end of every single sentence I say, like "eh" in Canada, only less charming.

          • I think it's so CYUTE! What about "prepone"? I used to explode when people would say "Let us prepone our meeting, only?" until a very earnest young mathematician explained to me that it was perfectly logical. Or "Eat shamelessly, only," which is what Bangalis like to say when you're exhibiting any reluctance at all to tackle the enormous mounds of food they try to stuff down your throat as indicative of hospitality.

      • I'll be right there. Just have to pack.

        • Limeylizzie

          Bring the Samosas.

          • Pas de problem, cher. Veg or non-veg? The non-veg one has everything the veg one has except only lamb and cumin.

          • Limeylizzie

            Half and half my stepdaughter and her partner are vegs. Me, I love meat!

          • Me too. We'll be carnivores together.

          • I've never had a lamb samosa. It sounds amazing!

          • Very tasty, if I do say so myself, and I do.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I changed our Turkey Day into Lobster Pakora Day a few years ago, and my family hasn't stopped talking about it.

        • Limeylizzie

          Woman after my own heart!

        • Bas. Nischoi ashthe hobe.

        • emmelemm

          Stopped talking about it in a good way, or a bad way?

          • anniegetyerfun

            Oh, in a good way.

          • emmelemm


    • Guppy

      Look, you and your family are going to have to fight about something. If it's not about the War on Christmas, it will be the usual family bullshit.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        I dunno…some families sound like fun

        • Guppy

          Yeah, and a snowman came to life with the help of a magic hat.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Joseph "Frosty" Smith?

  • PhilippePetain

    Fucking taxes how do they work?

    • jqheywood

      Revenue comes in, revenue goes out…never a miscommunication.

  • McRibzgood


    • nounverb911

      Paul Bunyon and his blue ox Blue approve this message.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        But not Paul Banyan.

        • I grew up around banyan trees. Never climb barefoot through banyans in a swamp, is all I'm saying about it.

  • Operation Santa Strike has been called off.
    I repeat: Operation Santa Strike has been called off.
    Disappear until you hear from me.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Climb Mount Niitaka?

      • Nothing that drastic is needed. Just blend back in with the Christians.

      • Such daring, to attack both the US and colonized Southeast Asia on the same day.

    • WTF are you talking about, DW, I'm ALREADY disappeared.

      Left a comment on your pitchers of birds and shit.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    It's the corrupting influence of Big Tree!!!!!!!11

    • Gleem_McShineys


  • Can we even call teatardis functional anymore?

    • No, we cannot.

      The teatards are busy suing each other over their email lists, as their support drops to less than a quarter of the populace. Last one out, turn off the lights.

  • north_of_moscow

    Oh yay. Conversation around the Thanksgiving dinner table will be awesome this year.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "If I call it a “Holiday Tree,” does that mean I don’t have to pay the 15 cents?"

    Not you, fuckhead. You have to pay an extra 15 bucks. It's called "Stupidity Tax." (To be fair, that's also what I call the Lottery).

    • It's difficult to think of polite replies to such mindboggling displays of Galloping Stoopid.

  • nounverb911

    I'd like to declare war on "Christmas" TV commercials that air before Halloween.

    • Radio99%

      Or the fucking music when you go into stores. But, noun, there is one thing that might push me over the edge this year: those Lexus commercials with the smug self-assured 1%'s and those giant red bows on the cars.

      • SorosBot

        They made me want to smack a rich person back before it was fashionable.

      • I still daydream every year that this is the year it will be possible to hibernate from mid-November to mid-January.

      • emmelemm

        Those are the WORST. The fucking WORST. Ugh.

        • SorosBot

          We actually have one station here that, every year, plays nothing but Christmas music starting on November 1. Ugh, it's disgusting; and so of course I've got coworkers who play it.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            My granddad, who is really fucking old, used to live with me and the first time I came home on a blistering hot South Texas summer day to hear Christmas carols blasting out of his room, he responded to my query of WTF by saying that it made him feel a lot cooler. Still, I had to make him turn that shit down.

          • emmelemm

            I meant the Lexus commercials, but "Christmas" radio stations are awful too.

          • HistoriCat

            You too?? I hate that shit. And I'll bet the radio station employees are there on 12/25 at 11:59 pm, just staring at the clock – "Come on. COME ON!!"

      • jqheywood

        Or the Patek Phillipe watch ads in the NYT & New Yorker…

      • No, not the music, ANYTHING but the fucking Xmas music!

        • Radio99%

          Boogie-Woogie Santa Satan.
          And, if I ever hear Kenny G Xmas noodle drool, I literally want to kill teabaggers — for some odd reason.

          • Can't imagine why. (whistles, puts hands in pockets, backs away slowly)

          • I'm stealing "noodle drool."

  • poorgradstudent

    That a similar fee isn't imposed on Ramadan trees is the most damning piece of evidence of all.

  • Callyson

    A 12-member board will direct the money to generic ads and other promotions, as well as research. The promotions, according to the Agriculture Department, will present "a favorable image of Christmas trees to the general public," with the intent of improving the public "perception" of Christmas trees and, hence, their sales.
    This anti – Christmas bigotry must be stopped right now!!!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Nothing, I just got nothing on this…

  • PhilippePetain

    Isn' t there some way we can turn this reactionary instinct into one of those moments where, after hearing some Wells radio show type situation, these people just start cold jumping from windows and shit? I mean how hard could it be?

  • McRibzgood

    Jokes on you Obama. Baconz is an Eckankar. Yep it's worshiping Eck or get the fuck outta my face!

    • Isn't the ag dept. missing the point? Seems all kinds of industries could benefit from distributing Xmas-appeal across our vast array of resources, not confining it.

      • McRibzgood


    • Ecch!

  • Eve8Apples

    Fuck you tree taxers! I will just decorate the large marijuana plant that is growing in my living room. If it catches on fire, I'll have one hell of a contact high.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Watch out — seeeeeeeeeeds!

    • I was thinking of doing that too, but I think that tinsel is bad for your lungs.

  • Goonemeritus

    I did notice my traditional satanic thistle is not being taxed nor are goat heads.

    • SilverTsunami

      Goatheads are taxed if you choose to eat them in the restaurant. No tax for off-sale goatheads.

  • mourningnmerica

    Since nobody can afford a Christmas tree anyway, I see no story here. And this is just one more reason why being an atheist makes so much more sense.

  • Oh Right Wing Fools
    How do you even function?
    Oh Right Wing Fools
    How do you even function?
    It seems that all you see is black on white
    Which fills your sad self with utter fright
    Oh Right Wing Fools
    Seriously, how do you even function?

  • Radio99%

    ♪ ♫ Oh, Tannenbaum, Oh Tannenbaum ♪ ♫

    • paris biltong

      "We grunt in your bladder?" Never understood what those lyrics have to do with the movie.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      The MD state song is the same tune as that little ditty. The clock tower on campus played this tune every hour, on the hour. It took me a couple of semesters to figure out why the college chapel was playing christmas carols year-round.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So let me get this straight — in their outrage against having to pay fifteen cents more for live Christmas trees, the wingers will actually be promoting the sale of fake plastic trees, right? Which — inevitably — they will then denounce as part of the onslaught of tacky commercial crap that's ruining Christmas. Well it's nice to see the crazies being bipartisan for a freakin' change.

    • An_Outhouse

      plus they're made in China. Bonus!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        This goes along nicely with the winger meme "I'll never buy another Chevy again, since they took all that free Obummer munnies… I'm buying a Hyundai!"

  • chicken_thief

    I think Obummer and crew should do this – say they are going to implement some old suggested "tax", bi-weekly just to watch Glenn, Rush, Drudge et al go fucking bonkers.

    • V572625694

      As long as it isn't a transaction tax on equity trading. Ha ha, that'd be a riot! Plus it would quell senseless speculation, have minimal or no effect on actual investors, and raise a shitload of cash.

      Yep, that's a joke these days.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Well we can all be grateful that those job creators in Congress (with the exception of Michele, she's never there) devoted so much time and resources to officially reaffirm that it is in God We Trust forever and ever. Taking Christ out of Christ-mas is so flippin UNBELIVEABLE still. . .

  • paris biltong

    We decorate our ficus (on which we did pay a hefty sales tax when we bought it, about ten years ago). Buddha seems to like that.

    • V572625694

      Does your ficus return the favor by decorating the floor around it?

      • anniegetyerfun

        This is all a ficus is capable of.

      • paris biltong

        I appreciate your concern but it's a decorative so-called "benjamina" ficus and it is fully housebroken.

  • SorosBot

    To be fair, an extra fifteen cents on a dead tree that can cost fifteen dollars or more is outrageous; why that's a "tax" of about 0.3%, outrageous.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Plz. repost that Santorum Sandusky link for those that missed it.

      • SorosBot

        It's right here:

        Then Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum thought enough of Jerry Sandusky nine years ago to sponsor the former Penn State defense coordinator for a “Congressional Angels in Adoption” award, citing his work with a non-profit group he founded to provide care for foster children.

        “Its philosophy is simple: it is easier to develop a child than to rehabilitate an adult,” read the citation from Santorum in the awards dinner program from Sept. 24, 2002.

        • SayItWithWookies

          “Its philosophy is simple: it is easier to develop a child than to rehabilitate an adult"

          But why not do both if the opportunity presents itself, right Rick?

        • It's easier to develop a child into a helpless tool on which to enact your disgusting swinish rape fantasies than it is to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE GODDAMN KIDS YOU ROTTEN PERVERTED BASTARDS!!

          Sry. I'll be OK. I'll calm down now.

    • paris biltong

      Hmm. Fifteen dollar, fifteen cents? One percent maybe. Still not a lot.

      • SorosBot

        I meant fifty dollars; just got confused with the typing.

        • paris biltong

          Haven't bought one in years. They used to cost fifteen bucks. Five at one time too. Probably 50 euros these days, which is why I hang bulbs and lights on my ficus. No needles in the rug, either.

  • widestanceshakedown

    I have a small shower friend who would like to get in touch with this "large grower." How do I do this?

    The GOP just announced a policy mandating live untaxed tree purchases for every citizen, until Obama agrees, in which case, they have mobs/torches ready.

  • El Pinche

    OMG! Barry just kicked dropped baby Jesus off a bridge.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Was it the Tallahatchie Bridge?

    • You noticed that too, huh?

  • McRibzgood

    I clicked on the Heritage Foundation to see some of the comments. I feel so dirty.

    • nounverb911

      Amazing, I've never seen such high p-ness points.

      • McRibzgood

        You jerk! You made me go again!

        • nounverb911

          Sorry. But you have to admit those are some amazing p-nesses.

          • V572625694

            1460 upfists for a commenter named rikki_doxx, which sounds like a porn name and has an anime-style big-eyed pre-teen girl as an avatar. Perhaps that explains it.

            They still have downfists over there. Think of the mischief….The actual p-scores aren't that high.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            1460 upfists for a single comment? Holy fuck, their name is legion and they are many! Or maybe they can upfist a comment more than once?

          • V572625694

            It actually was a pretty clever comment, but not that clever.

          • McRibzgood

            Big deal I can get 1462 up fists on Wonkette.


            FUCK SARAH PALIN AND MICHELE BACHMANN! Cock boobies. Let the fisting begin.

          • V572625694

            Barb, maybe. She operates on a plane far above ordinary commentbots.

          • Barb

            Oh my!

          • HistoriCat

            Needz moar assfucking.

            And TruckNutz.

  • MissTaken

    Nothing warms my heart like the sweet sounds of the War on Christmas. Happy Ramadan-Kwanzaa-Solstice-Festivus everyone!

    • CZL

      We of the Yule contingent react with drunken Germanic anger to your snub!

    • Happy Vaisakh/Diwali/Chanukah!

  • Joshua Norton

    ♪ ♫ I heard there is no Christmas
    In the silly Middle East
    No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
    They have different religious beliefs

    They believe in Muhammad
    And not in our holiday
    And so every December
    I go to the Middle East and say…

    "Hey there Mr. Muslim
    Merry fucking Christmas
    Put down that book the Koran
    And hear some holiday wishes.

    In case you haven't noticed
    It's Jesus's birthday.
    So get off your heathen Muslim ass
    and fucking celebrate. ♪ ♫

    • SorosBot

      Don't they know it's Christmastime at all?

    • Dood, I still prefer Hasa Diga Eebowai.

  • edgydrifter

    Paying fifteen cents extra for a pagan solstice phallus is the moral equivalent to crucifying the baby Jesus, obviously.

  • widestanceshakedown

    It's coming on Christmas,
    they're taxing all the trees.

    I wish I had a river. . .

    • GorzoTheMighty

      i could skate away on.

  • See. The War on Christmas strikes again.

  • chascates

    Christians should pay at 10% tax. It's called tithing. And wear a yellow cross on your clothing. We'll try to leave it at that for now.

  • YouBetcha

    You dirty heathens aren't filled with Christ's love like the rest of us. That's your problem right there. You act like we co-opted some Pagan tradition and bastardized it with rampant consumerism, when really it's the celebration of the month that was not the birth of the savior who died because you all suck so hard, sinners.

  • An_Outhouse

    Most of the Xmas trees on the East coast are harvested by messicans. With the mean and vicious new anti-brown people laws, the xmas trees will be standing in the fields, the ag dept will promote them any way, the price will increase dramatically and the wingtards will blame the increase on the tree tax.

  • The War on Thanksgiving starts earlier every year.

    Won't anyone think of the turkey, the potatoes, the gravy, the stuffing?

    • finallyhappy

      yeah, really, three days with my brother-in-law? I'm thinking an ax, a knife and a gun

  • x111e7thst

    As long as Barry O don't tax the Clean Coal in my stocking..

    • Yeah, that's what I'm getting this year too. Or so the coal companies claim, anyway.

  • chascates

    FoxNation manages to confuse who was Vice-President in the previous administration:

    The well-trafficked Drudge Report is leading with the story, linking to a blog by David Addington, a former top aide to then-Vice President David Addington, at the conservative Heritage Foundation.

    • McRibzgood

      News comes in faux fucks up. You can't explain it.

    • In all fairness, David Addington is convinced that David Addington was the vice-president under G.W. Bush.

      • not that Dewey

        not that Dewey, a former top aide to not that Dewey, agrees with this assessment.

        • Xiao Didi! Hao ma?

          Does not that Dewey know that not that Dewey is mingling with the masses at Teh Wonketz again?

  • DetectiveGrey

    I'm starting a movement called the Extreme Government Gouging Nationwide Ornamental Growing Party. Who's with me?

  • Perfect re-entry point for Mama Grizzly to chuck her two cents'. Isn't one of the Palin brood's middle name Blue or Spruce?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Actually, I think it's Datepalm. Datepalm Palin. Which is kind of Muslimy.

  • meatlofer

    But when is it actually a tree? Germination? Sapling? When the seed is planted? Ah Fuck!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      needz moar pre-emergent

  • MissTaken

    Dammit, I was hoping for the commercials "Got Tree?" or "Tree. It's What's For Christmas"

    **UPDATE** A White House official tells NBC news that implementation of the program has been delayed.

    "The Obama Administration is not taxing Christmas trees. What's being talked about here is an industry group deciding to impose fees on itself to fund a promotional campaign, similar to how the dairy producers have created the 'Got Milk? campaign. That said, USDA is going to delay implementation and revisit this action," said the official.

    • Aww, isn't that cute? They're trying to reason with them.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, it always worked so well when the liberal pointy-headed academics advised that course of action in those 1950s sci-fi/horror movies. What could go wrong?

      • Again.

    • Chichikovovich

      Sigh. "This isn't a tax, and it isn't ordered by the government. It is a completely voluntary fee, suggested by the producers themselves. So this whole tempest in a teacup is stupid. Even stupider than usual, we mean. But we're going to fold it up anyway, because that's how we roll. Drudge has a siren, after all!"

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Take that, baby jesus!

  • chascates

    DAMN IT! HumanEvents is on to us:
    Update: even as liberal websites make fools of themselves trying to "debunk" the Christmas Tree Tax – mostly by uncritically accepting the Administration spin that it's not really a "tax," it's just, er, money the government will take from people by force – ABC News reports the Administration has buckled to mounting public pressure and will "delay implementation and revisit" the proposed fees. Poor Media Matters. They're always the last to know.

  • ingloriousbytch

    "So in conclusion to this tragic tale, Barack Obama gave an annoyed sigh…"

    …lit a cigarette and pressed it into his flesh, muttering "Yes we can, my ass."

    • And who would blame him, at this point?

      Damn, that man is strong and tough. I would have strangled each of these bastards slowly a LONG time ago, pissing on them as I tightened the silk scarf.

      • I know. Poor Oby. If I had to take the shit he takes, I'd be home in bed weeping into my Ben and Jerry's, watching an entire season of Spooks.

  • DaRooster

    "Is this a fee only on Christians? Is that legal?"
    No more legal than requiring an American citizen to BUY a fucking photo ID (far more than 15 cents) in order to vote is illegal… doh…

  • not that Dewey

    OT: My sleepy college town is under threat of an unspecified act of violence from a deranged-sounding character. FBI and DHS have arrived, knowing that the local police force is confounded by anything more complicated than a busted tail light. Local news is all atwitter (literally and figuratively)

    • "in the year of our most high GOD"

      For pity's sake. This GOD needs to tell him/her to lighten up… and/or offer to light one up for him [/her].

      EDIT: o.k. now I've read the full account and yeah, scary, + what chickovich said below.

      • CapnFatback

        Well, if he's going to attack schools, I'm glad he chose a holiday.

        Still, yipes.

        • not that Dewey

          Oddly, Nov 11 is not a school holiday here. But it may as well be, now. Everyone is keeping the kids home.

          • CapnFatback

            Ah. Then let's hope this guy turns of the radio, doubles down on the Xanax, and finds a sliver of rationality going forward.

      • not that Dewey

        I just hope he/she gets some help before Friday. Often the act of writing such a letter is cathartic and is the totality of the act. Other times, not so lucky.

    • emmelemm

      I was really confused by "pig pens"… then I got it. (I'm slow.)

    • Chichikovovich

      Man, that is one scary – looking letter. I hope it turns out to be a false alarm.

      • not that Dewey

        Despite the overall morbidity, I had to laugh a little at the quote from the police chief who "was unable to release any specific details of what was written in the letter", with the letter printed two inches away in the same article.

        There is nothing here that could remotely be considered a "target" in the usual sense — population 8500, a small tech/mining university, a couple telescopes, poor people, a wildlife refuge. It sounds personal.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      So long, Soccors!

      • not that Dewey

        TOO SOON!

  • boobookitteh

    I can see where taxing the tree that harkens back millenia to ancient Pagan ceromonies would be concerning for Christians.

    • SorosBot

      Let's bring the Christmas tree back to its origins, and hang some captive Christians on it as a sacrifice to Odin!

  • MissTaken

    Yet another story that would qualify for the "Is This An Onion Article or Real Life?" question.

  • joobajooba

    Up for March, a tax on eggs.

  • At this point, I'm beginning to wonder if the entire fucking Republican Party isn't a humongogigantic performance art piece to ensure that we all laugh ourselves to death as our nation is consumed by rising sea levels, inferno temperatures and raging wildfires, hordes of armed illegal immigrant drug smugglers at every port and border, and crazed escapee zoo animals EVAHwhere.

    I'd drink to escape this horror-filled scenario, but I just gave up drinking. Oh, wait, there's always masturbation.

    • HistoriCat

      Oh, wait, there's always masturbation

      Be careful – you don't want to overdo it.

      • Er … how will I know when I hit that, haha, point?

        • Rotundo_

          Generally the symptoms involve chafing or being put in jail for indecent exposure. One either irritates the naughty bits or takes them out for a bit of fresh air in a wholly inappropriate place.

          • Thank you. I'll keep a firm … er, close eye on the proceedings.

    • Masturbation FTW!


  • littlebigdaddy

    Yeah, Christmas trees are REALLY SUPER XTIAN morans, not pagan holdovers at all!

    • SorosBot

      Nope, certainly not an addition to co-opt the close in time German festival of Yule to the Christian holiday that was already a co-option of the feast of Sol Invictus, which was itself a co-option of Saturnalia.

      • Thor and Black Heimdahl are yucking it up on the Rainbow Bridge, watching this shit.

  • joobajooba

    In reality, lots of farm groups do this. "The Other White Meat" came from a socialist "checkoff" tax imposed on the sale of each pig to buy ads. That was in the 1985 "Pork Act."

  • anniegetyerfun

    Call it an "Eid Tree" and the moose limb in the Oval Office will deliver it to you for free!

  • chascates

    Another George Soros plot foiled by the vigilant Cheetos Gang!

  • CapnFatback

    Proposition 1: The Christmas tree farmers voted for this assessment THEMSELVES.
    Proposition 2: The assessment is FIFTEEN CENTS PER TREE.
    Proposition 3: The tax is to be shouldered by the tree farmers.



    • YouBetcha

      QED indeed.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      That's one silly jism.

  • DahBoner

    And the worst thing about this, is how they tried to hide this new tax in the Santa clause…

  • Tundra Grifter

    First they came for my Christmas tree and I said nothing.

    Because it was Boxing Day and I was done with it.

    Seriously – I'm glad the right wing nutz are fighting bloody tooth and claw to overturn a fucking fifteen cent tax. Think how much damage they could do if they spent tiime on something that mattered.

  • Oh, sinners, let's go down,
    Let's go down, won't you come on down?
    Come on sinners, let's go down …


  • johnnymeatworth

    Next he'll start taxing bootleg videotapes of the Star Wars Christmas Special….

  • Antispandex

    *knock knock knock*
    It's me, Dave, open up, I got the tree!
    Dave's not here.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    So it's a self-imposed fee by an industry group. That brings up another question: How much of my booze budget is going to those ads telling me to drink responsibly? THAT's a tax!


  • Troglodeity

    So the front-runner for the Republican Presidential nomination is now facing sexual harassment allegations from five different … WHAT??? OBAMA WANTS TO TAX CHRISTMAS!?! STOP THE PRESSES! NEW BANNER HEADLINE!!!

  • SilverTsunami

    Christmas trees are regulated by the USDA?
    Are they a specialty crop?
    Could I get a grant for conducting a study on the reasons more people buy artificial trees?

  • rocktonsam

    and in a related story, Gov. Scott Walker renamed the tree in the capitol rotunda "Christmas Tree" instead of "Holiday Tree/"

    Cripes almighty

    • Rotundo_

      Scooter cannot pass up the opportunity to go "neener neener" to those who aren't pseudochristian fascist assholes can he? It isn't enough for those who aren't christian to have to listen to the music, look at all the borrowed symbology on display and not be able to set foot in any retail establishment for at least 5 months a year without being visually harangued by this stuff? Islam as practiced by the Saudis is the only basis for comparison I can come up with, and when you look at where these nice christian folks want to go, all that will be missing is the hijab.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    My Married Lover got me one of these last year. It's the only Sacred Baby Festival decoration I intend to ever use again.

    • I'm dreading finding out what you're planning to use it FOR.

  • ttommyunger

    Europe is circling the drain, we are drowning in debt, unemployment, underemployment, increased poverty and civil unrest; war drums are beating again for a brand new misadventure in Iran and these asshats have their panties in a wad over a tax on Christmas Trees…I give up.

    • On the PLUS side … well, fuck, it doesn't look like there IS a plus side.

      Carry on.

      • ttommyunger


      • SorosBot

        On the plus side, we still have another four or five billion years until the sun explodes into a red giant, and another hundred trillion or so years until the last red dwarf collapses and the universe is no longer habitable for life as we know it. So, yay?

        • I'd love to yay right along with you, but since MY POV depends on, you know, incarnation and what not, I pretty much don't give a shit what happens after my time runs out. I mean it's not like I'll be around to enjoy it or suffer from it.

          And I hate to be so, I dunno, gloomy, but my time's drawing nigh. I don't expect to be on this earth longer than 20 years, if that.

  • zappadoo76

    Why doesn't the capitalist National Christmas Tree Association just ask its capitalist members to kick in 15 cents per tree as a part of their dues? Why does the Jesus Bush trade association want our Kenyan Overlord's government to do their work for them? Is it because they know their members don't want to pay the fee?

    Is Hopey going to implement this fascist policy? Mussolini's government would have done it in a heartbeat. Or is this the beginning of Barack Hussein's implementation of the Mooslim jizya on us poor dhimmis?

  • RavenRant

    This is what I just sent USDA Secretary Vilsack (

    Dear Secretary Vilsack;

    The National Christmas Tree Association requested a 15 cent fee per tree to be used to promote their industry, and they got it approved.

    But the usual right wing screamers start screaming the usual right wing nonsense. "War on Christmas!" "Obama hates Christmas!" “Secret Muslim Devil Baby Kenyan Usurper Antichrist Hussein attacks sacred symbol of Christmas!”

    And the USDA responds by immediately caving to the screamers, because… uhh… maybe this time caving to the bullies will make them finally like you?

    Apparently, nobody in a decision-making position in the White House or the USDA understands that crumpling and cringing every time a moronic bully yells boo does not make you appear reasonable or thoughtful. It makes you appear weak and gutless. Also, stupid and easily played.

    So you've screwed the National Christmas Tree Association out of the funds they needed to develop and promote their industry, and you've once again rewarded people who loathe and despise you, the President, and the entire administration. And this brilliant feat of political jiu jitsu gains you, the USDA, the President, and the country less than zero. Good work!

    For an encore, maybe you can fire Shirley Sherrod again. Or maybe you could just let Drudge, Limbaugh, or Breitbart throat punch you, take your lunch money, and give you a wedgie. Maybe then they’ll really like you.


    [Raven's real name redacted]

    I sent a nearly identical one to the Pres at I mean, can these people stand firm on anything? It's not like Drudge or this Heritage whore are going to turn around and say, "Why, this Obama fellow is alright, after all! We've been dead wrong about him all along."

  • carlgt1

    hahaha, wow, that's a whopping 0.375% tax — surely this is "tyranny"! At least we'll finally & appropriately be worshipping Saturn on December 25th….

  • Local_Mojo

    My family just goes out onto Georgia-Pacific land and steals one of the cedar trees that grows beside the fire breaks. It's family bonding and socially responsible.

    I think Jesus would approve.

  • DaRooster

    About 20 years ago

  • poorgradstudent

    And anyway aren't the same people bitching about this the ones who tend to think things went south ever since Puritanism stopped being a thing?

    The Puritans were the ones who *really* knew how to have a War on Christmas!

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