Useless promotional gear is an important part of American culture. After all, the Founding Fathers were all wearing Ovaltine sweatshirts and Livestrong bracelets when they created this country, which is probably why Barack Obama is now doing everything he can to destroy yet another part of our American way of life.
On Wednesday, Obama will sign an executive order that will direct government agencies to, among other things, “stop using taxpayer dollars to buy swag.”
What exactly falls under the category of “swag”? Plaques, “nonessential items used for promotional purposes” like clothing, pens and mugs, and “other unnecessary promotional items that agencies purchase.”
The executive order will also direct federal agencies to reduce spending on travel, limit the number of “information technology devices” issued to employees, including cellphones, smartphones, tablets and laptops, stop unnecessarily printing documents that can be posted online and even shrink the “executive fleet” of the federal government.
According to the administration, spending in the above areas is expected to be reduced by 20 percent as a result of the directive.
So there you have it, 20 percent of government spending consists of hats, coffee mugs and t-shirts. Take that, Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease, no more cool stuff for you! [Politico]
{ 190 comments }
I guess my CIA laser pointer/pen just went way up in value.
Beetagger:
Does it also fire a .22?
You can still use it to designate targets for Reaper drones to bomb. Like that jerk who just cut you off in traffic, or that idiot family of 6 in the drive-thru placing a complicated order, or that ex-girlfriend who cheated on you… What were we talking about??
Oh shit — we can still write our names on the smart bombs, right?
But when I finally break my FBI coffee mug, what will I have to replace it? An NYPD mug? That's just not the same.
I have a mug from a bail bondsman : "Freedom is just a phone call away! Nobody talks, everybody walks."
…limit the number of “
information technologyporn delivery devices” issued./fxd
Great, budget problem solved, next!
Does this mean I can't get the coveted Alabama: Share the Wonder! sweatshirt?
Better place your order for the "It’s a great day in South Carolina" golf tees now.
Or "Missouri: Still not as bad as Arkansas!"
Or the "Georgia: Tranny Porn and Pink Dildo State" calendar.
No Swag, no peace!
No foam "We Used to Be #1" finger?"
It's just moving over by one finger.
It's being replaced with a foam shocker.
They're not gonna succeed in getting people to "stop unnecessarily printing documents that can be posted online" until at least the Baby Boomers all retire, because believe me, old people print everything; or, if they're high up enough, insist that their employees print everything for them. It doesn't matter how easy it is to read a document on the screen, the olds insist on a paper copy.
I agree! I've printed a copy of your post to keep with me to remind me why I agree with you.
You sound just like my boss there.
We work for the same guy? How come I never see you at the coffee machine?
He's too busy refilling the paper tray in the printer.
Speaking for the "olds," I insist on handwritten versions. This is by far the most environmentally sound approach. No bytes are wasted. It also creates jobs. We "olds" are job creators.
How can anyone waste a byte? Even a ddos means something.
I meant "bite."
You should insist the handwriting be on parchment in quill calligraphy with illumination. That would revive whole industries.
Job creator!
Well what else are they gonna do with all those old file cabinets?
Housing…
"So Joe, I see you have upgraded from the fridge box."
"Yep, plus I can lock the kids in their room."
All right, I'll play.
Investment …
Fill it full of hobo beans and label it "401k"
But the IT department keeps getting mad at me for writing on the monitors.
I've been chastised for taking the monitor and turning it upside down and shaking it to delete my documents.
The IT guys got pissed at me when they saw I was using the CD drive as a cup holder.
Tell them it's okay, you'll use white-out.
No, it's ONLY the olds who are "high up enough;" the rest of us can't figure out how to use the damn printer
This year two boomer avoids paper like the plague ('ceptin' books from the local used book stores). We do engineering drawing mark-ups as PDFs and only provide hard copies of reports if the client demands them. Would really, really, really like to replace the bed sheet-sized Mylar™ wet ink sealed & signed record drawings with electronically signed copies. Unfortunately, the boomer bosses at the goobermint agencies, or their attorney masters, say no. Dumb shits.
For us it's the HR, payroll, and purchasing departments that can't seem to figure out that pdfs can be edited and signed electronically. They still think faxes are the only secure form of communication for sensitive documents.
Oh, and the drafting department. The engineers seem just fine with electronically marked-up drawings. The old-skool drafters still leave me D-sized prints of everything on my desk when I'm not looking.
Don't even get started on law firms…
Or real estate/mortgage companies. I tried to convince the mortgage banker that our fax machine does not support legal-size paper. We eventually settled on print-scan-email-print-sign-scan-email, which was better than driving an hour each way every time they needed a signature, but just barely.
That's where I am. It used to really frustrate me when my boss would always ask me to print out useful documents from a database when he had access to it and giving him the ID numbers should make it easy to look it up, but I got used to it eventually. At least currently I'm mostly working with a somewhat younger guy who can read on the screen.
In the words of eminent scholar Raymond Quentin Smuckles, "No, I ain't got a fax machine! I also ain't got an Apple IIc, polio, or a falcon!"
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=11222006
Shipping and Receiving just set up the FedEx terminal right outside my office. It makes that dial-up modem sound every time a delivery label is printed, which is about 153 times a day. Needless to say, it did not remain there for very long.
Not so much the Olds among the federal clients as the data Nazis in their Disinformation Technology departments, who make their systems secure by making them inaccessible. Problem solved!
Thank doG a bridge replacement job that we're working on is not with the Federales. The PDF foot print for the construction docs is 5.7GB with the specs, and other 'narrative' poop printed as PDFs (mucho smaller files) rather than scanned. We'd likely collapse the frickin' floor printing all that shit.
Newer Acrobat versions are pretty good at reducing the size of everything but big dumb JPEGs. At least that's been our experience. There's a "Reduce File Size" command in there on the Document menu.
To be fair, if you want to keep the infinite army of script kiddies in China, Russia, and even right here at home out, the only surefire way is to not plug a goddamn computer into the internet.
Of course, public works projects aren't exactly TOP FUCKING SECRET, but try explaining that to any sort of bureaucracy without having to fax that explanation back and forth at least seven times.
THEY’LL FIND OUT WHERE OUR SEWERS ARE!Know what you mean, believe me, from experience going back before fax machines.
I love how faxes–poor-resolution digital scans–are totally legal and carry the same weight as a paper letter with signature–but a top quality digital scan is a no-no.
I love how pre-printed signatures, like the kind the secretary stamps, or, today, inserts in document and prints for the boss, are totally okay, but an email is no good.
I love how you won't take my word for it when I'm standing there in person explaining what my organization needs, but some cheap letterhead suddenly changes your tune. Seriously?
I got the old stink eye when I pointed out the foolishness of printing the Paperwork Reduction Act, in triplicate.
Oh, I still printed it, but it was fun to point that out…
This 872-page document intentionally left blank
Win.
Maybe Barry is just tired of still seeing all that Hope and Change swag from last time around…
Eh, his reelection committee ain't a government bureau, so he can still print the FUCK out of some hope.
"____ the FUCK out of some hope" would make a great slogan.
possibly paired with, "i got your change right here."
I was planning to buy my friends and family Office of Personnel Management beer cozies for Christmas. Way to wreck the holidays stupid jerk.
You work for OPM? because seriously I am as angry as hell with the retirement section. I'd like to smack John Berry and send him back to the zoo.
No, I just think OPM beer cozies are silly sounding.
But we can still bomb the shit out of brownz right?
Foam cozie: 50 cents
Hellfire missile: 800,000 dollars
Knowing who's boss: Priceless
Of course. The bombs just can't be bought from the officially licensed "Roll Tide" armaments store.
'Cuz the shit wasn't made in America?
The thugs at Skilcraft finally got to him
Does this mean TSA can't buy any more Junk Nutz plaques?
Does this mean no new "United States Senate" mousepad with every new workstation, to be replaced every two years? Or even no workstation replacement every two years?
No, it doesn't — this only applies to the executive branch.
I still don't understand where these constant, neverending computer upgrades are actually happening, because every single goddamn time I walk into any governmental office whatsoever, whether local, state, or federal, the person processing my requests for duplicate titles, affidavits of correction, etc ad infinitum is using some clunking obelisk from the late Cretaceous that has never even heard of anything that isn't MS DOS.
I suspect that the reason this wizened clerk has his/her job is because they're the only one who remembers how to operate this thing, and to complete the feedback loop, they adamantly refuse that the computer ever be upgraded, because they can't figger out them newfangled doohickeys. A perfect circle of job security through obsolescence.
I bet we'd save a fuck-load of money if they stopped doing those jet overflights at sporting events.
Even more if we stopped them over Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen …
But how else will they know when to start driving around in circles?
You're so right, but the people who buy those $150M/ea ego-boosters should have an opportunity to see them once in a while. No way they can get on a base, praise Jeebus. Anyway, all those flyover missions are "training" for which the aircrews receive flight pay. Your tax $$$$$$$$$$$$³ at work!
But…but those are used mostly for recruiting. What will happen to the youth of America when their dreams of being a fighter pilot are finally fulfilled when they become fueling techs, benefit fulfillment specialists, or IED fodder?
True that. I guess if they wanted to be honest about the real military career that most people actually experience, they would crash the planes on the fifty-yard line.
Oh please. They'll only have the most realistic experience when the planes never show up, and then a month later the event's attendees will read in the newspaper that the planes were unable to take off due to a computer defect, and also that we spent like two trillion dollars to build them.
Why do you hate the troops and America and freedom and Jesus?
This Burke guy has now posted twice in a week before 9:15 AM. This is a very dangerous precedent. I start my day's drinking when the first Wonkette post hits. That was OK when it was 10:30 or so. But 9:15 is a little early for bourbon. Maybe I should just start with a beer.
Yer liver is lucky that Riley Waggaman is gone. His Mourning in America posts were rarely up later than 830 or 9AM.
Did we ever get a Riley update? Riley – let us know you're OK!
It's still astonishing how fast the day goes bye when you have a Tall Boy for breakfast.
Shit I have to pour the night before due to living on the West Coast.
A couple of oxycontin on awakening makes the 9:00 bourbon seem not so daunting.
I recommend a shot or two of Old Overholt rye in coffee with a little cream and a little maple syrup.
Coffee, cream, and maple syrup optional.
This Burke guy is a lady guy, too.
"All you sexy hermaphrodite ladies
With your sexy lady bits
And your sexy man bits too
Even you must be into you, oh yeah"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRVhevmDwlk
Can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.
You mean there're people here who don't begin the day with a 40?
There's a lot of good advice here. I think I'll give the oxycontin thing a try.
Rush Limbaugh endorsed!
Jameson pairs well with coffee, if that helps.
With the record number of deportation order to sign, they need those Immigration and Customs Enforcement personalized pens.
In other words; "Swag this, bitches".
How will I know who I work for or where I am if it's not on my coffee mug?
If the Republicans in Congress had their way, your boss's name and your workplace would be tattooed on your arm.
Can they also tattoo that I like cats and hate Mondays?
I work for "I Hate Mondays".
Or as Herman Cain puts it, "You want this coffee mug, don't you?"
I work for … wait it's just a plain cup! I'M UNEMPLOYED.
I was shocked to learn my WORLD'S BEST GRANDPA mug was not a binding proclamation.
They can take away my "Work Sucks" coffee mug from my cold, dead caffeinated fingers.
Does this mean no more "Federal Body/Breast/Booty Inspector" Tshirts? Huh, guess these guys can just buy their own "I'm a Douche" Tshirts instead.
“Stop using taxpayer dollars to buy shwag.”
There, fixed.
Oh, thank Darwin, now I can have my cubicle lamp back!
I'll believe it when Mr. Obama turns in his "World's Best Boss" mug.
No "Federal Agency to Restrict TruckNutz" hats? I always get those hats for the Winter Frenzy, and hand them out with Putin bobbleheads. Nothing says love like Putin & FARTN!
It's like this already in the state public sector, slowpokey Feds! My first job fair in 2007 for public teacher job-seekers I got a sweet, sweet canvas-quality tote bearing the event's logo and a zipper that didn't break after hauling beaucoups o' books in it. The following year's job fair they downgraded to a flimsy polly-pocket-with-straps with that direct-from-the-sweatshops 'breathable' fabric and a generic all-purpose logo. At last this trickle-down trend resulted in the job fair itself becoming outsourced to a distant university town that cranks out teacher grads by the season (cut out the middleman!); in recent years the event ceases to be held any more at all. Progress!
Well, if they still held them, they'd probably be handing out used plastic shopping bags from Wal-Mart, Target, or HEB.
They make great puppy poo-poo picker-uppers.
yeah…I have to say that the swag insurance companies gives us agents has dropped in both quality, quantity, and usefulness over the last few years. Now we just get crappy logo pens that rarely work.
So you're saying the agents get less, while the premiums on my autoboatome policy keep going up? Where does the money go, pray tell?
Not into my pockets nor the pockets of my employer. I'm guessing the insurance CEOs are snorting coke off of Flo's ass.
I'm not one to endorse snorting coke but if you throw in Flo's ass …
My wife's a physician and I can tell you that drug companies are still handing out primo quality stuff. I wonder why?
A friend of mine got a hiking pole with a Viagra logo on it. It was too stiff to use comfortably though.
I suppose that would depend on whether the hike was longer than 4 hours.
I'll know they're serious when they stop bringing in the "success" consultants.
I'll know they're serious when they stop bringing in the "success" consultants.
Seriously. We've become absolutely infested with the damn things. Some days I walk down the hall shouting "Hey, Orkin man!" when I see one coming toward me…
Does this mean they are going to have to cancel "Eric Holder Bobblehead Night"?
Oh, no! Herman Cain loves those bobblehead dolls.
Only if they are blond.
And apparently only if they can say "no" and "Here's a copy of the complaint. See ya in court.
Hillary, then?
I don't think she'd even give Bill a bobblehead.
Over at the Surgeon General's office, they threw away the rest of the skeleton-the skull, ribs, hips, and the arm and leg bones. Obama had thrown out the spine years ago.
I quit reading after realizing it wasn't about "personalized drugs."
This is going to hit the Bureau of Promotional Products and Non Essential Items REALLY hard!
Over at the Cain camp, Herman was heard to exclaim "SWAG? Doesn't that mean 'sealed with a grope'? I believe in SWAG!"
Look on the bright side, federal workers! There's always benefits open season for health insurance company swag.
If he wants to save money and get rid of something that is completely useless, how about an executive order disbanding Congress?
limit the number of “information technology devices
So, no more Department of Defense remote-controlled pink dildoes?
He realizes the military takes orders very literally right? No more Blue Angels, Thunderbirds, unit patches, ships with names, helicopters commemorating the utter destruction of native civilizations. The next war is going to be very bland.
We'll just get corporate sponsors to compete for naming rights for the navy's ships. USS Coca Cola, USS Edward Jones, USS GoDaddy, etc.
Don't forget our flagships, the USS Lockheed Martin and the USS Kochsucker.
Next thing you know they'll be removing the STP and Wynn's Friction Proofing stickers from the predator drones.
Ways to save money: Eliminate toilet paper and soap in federal bathrooms. Because if you don't have one, you really don't need the other.
"Line item Constitutional veto" Allows president to strike one offending word in Constitution, like "consent" in "advise and consent." President can say "do you have any ideas? No? Then sit down and shut up." C-Span turns off at 3:00 pm and plays Roadrunner cartoons. Saves over $70.23 a day. No none will notice.
Eliminate that annoying "consent" business? Herman Cain fully supports this.
Ah. another "Snow Crash" fan…
Now how will I know if I'm getting groped by a TSA agent or just some random pervert?
If you're at Penn State University or a Double Top Secret Herman Cain Fundraising Dinner, it's just some random pervert.
Dittos for on the campaign trail with Marcus and her husband.
I can't wait to hear the GOP reason why this is bad. I'm guessing it's something about how keychain laser pointers with NOAA printed on them is essential for national security.
The Second Amendment can be interpreted as including our right to bear useless shit.
Your avatar makes this post.
Ha. Yeah. Sometimes I forget I have the .44 avatar on this account, but the good Doktor wouldn't have it any other way (except maybe a picture of a Vincent Black Shadow).
Dear Sasha and Malia,
Due to Federal budge constraints, there will be no toys for Christmas this year.
Love, Dad
Dear Boeing,
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE LOGO PINK PREDATOR DRONE DILDOES FOR EVERYONE – IT'S CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY AT THE DOD!!
Love, Barry
What, no Christmas?!? How will they get the First Lady Michelle Barbie and the spouse Kenya doll?
flamingpdog:
When I was a lad, my Father went behind the barn, fired his shotgun, and then told us kids Santa had committed suicide.
You'd be depressed if you only came once a year too. Too bad he didn't hang in there and benefit from Cialis for daily use. It makes reindeer games so much more fun!
I'm from San Francisco, where you only need to come out once.
Wait, what?
Why do they call it Ovaltine? The jar is round. The mug is round. They should call it Roundtine.
from the "Made Me Look [it up]" files:
OK I should just stop right there. But…
"
The more you know.
Thanks for looking into that. I can now die happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0qm0KUPeD8
Fascinating stuff. The brand developers were accidental wordsmiths! Doesn't make me any more interested in seeing what it tastes like, though.
It's better than Tiger's Milk if that helps any.
I kinda liked it, with enough sugar in it to create a sickeningly sweet slurry. Amazing I have any teeth left.
Are you auditioning for 60 Minutes?
And another thing. What is it with kids today? When I go to hold the door for them as we enter a building, they walk through with their hands in their pockets without a word of thanks. Do they think I'm the doorman?
Dang. Now what are we going to do with all these Federal Mine Inspection Agency USB humping-dog toys?
Well, I'd like one of those.
The vast majority of government swag I've seen is from the armed forces. But I'm going to go ahead and assume they are exempt from this rule, because they always are.
I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more elbow macaroni and glitter glue on construction paper in federal offices…
We're making "hand turkeys" right now for this year's Thanksgiving decorations.
Just wait for this outrage: OBAMA'S NEW 'CHRISTMAS TREE TAX'
President Obama’s Agriculture Department today announced that it will impose a new 15-cent charge on all fresh Christmas trees—the Christmas Tree Tax—to support a new Federal program to improve the image and marketing of Christmas trees. http://blog.heritage.org/2011/11/08/obama-couldnt...
David Addington, he so funny!
Of course, this is actually bullshit; the program started under Bush, and the charge was voluntary and goes to the Department of Agriculture to promote buying Christmas trees.
Why does Bill Ayers' BFF hate the branding that made this country great?
Nearly three years of brain storming and this is what they came up with? WTF? Someone should tossed that idea onto the pile back on 1/20/09.
And per Michelle's personal directive, all remaining schwag will be replaced with broccoli and carrots.
You know what I do? I dip them BLEU CHEESE DRESSING!!! I'm telling ya, Michelle, don't fuck with me.
I really liked that "United States Post Office" pen, so I had to steal the desk it was chained to. I can see why they'd want to cut expenses.
Sure, because nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like denying your $23,000/year secretary an Employee of the Month key-chain.
I am surprised but impressed that Obama has the guts to stand up to Big Tchotchke.
"You want some swag, right?"
I just bought everyone on my xmas list those "Thanks for Choosing FEMA" urine purifying kits. Do you think I can get my money back?
Save them for your drug tests.
The absolute worst agency with this is the United States Air Force. They order all sorts of bullshit to give away to people as tokens of appreciation. The Air Force can't go to lunch without handing out little models of classified weapons platforms. Of course, they're all made in China and some of the items are miniature reproductions of shit the Chinese military would do anything to get hold of for real. I used to point this out to my dad when he passed them along to me and he would only say, "Yeah. I keep telling them that, too." Before the general public in the United States knew anything about the Advanced Cruise Missile (ACM) program, some Chinese workers were assembling little models of them, complete with a label saying "Advanced Cruise Missile."
I'm not in the Death & Destruction Division of the AF, so we don't see that kind of shit much, but in the environmental restoration/compliance end, you should see the shit that our contractors come up with to pimp their stuff/services. I've got/seen pens, mousepads, leather folders, golf tees and balls, desk clocks, calculators, Leathermen, flashlights, bottle openers, coolers, coozies, tote bags; you name it and I've seen it with a contractor's logo on it. Of course, that goes as overhead, and we all know who pays that in the long run.
Nobama can haz my "Coffee is For Closers" Mug when he gently pries it from my hand.
I used to have a box of coffee mugs and other crap from defense contractors, commemorating various obscure and unmemorable projects. All paid for by the generous taxpayers. I felt a bit guilty dumping it on Goodwill.
As a veteran of both our Military and Civil Service, I can say that this crap constitutes a shitload of money every year, especially toward the end of the FY. Agency Heads feel that they can't justify asking for more money if they haven't spent all of the current FY's budgeted funds. The spending sprees at the GSA Store were phenomenal. Everything from jumpsuits (no shit) to briefcases. Employees were also flown all over Hellandback for no other reason than to expend budgeted travel funds. It was shameful, but everyone did it; even yours truly. Sometimes I hate myself… In fact, most times.
Fuck. Must place orders at Sally's Cop Shop for specialized wallets to last me until at least 2035, but probably longer since I'm sure I won't be able to retire with 32 years in.
Well, you know what they say: A rich man is just a poor man with money.
//crickets…
Just imagine the eBay resale value if someone manages to pry the "George W. Bush Slept Here" plaque off the Presidential Bedroom headboard.
But the sponsoring of NASCAR still fine.
This is good news for Generic Republican!
"'PC Load Letter'? What the fuck does that mean?"
Wang Peng, come hea, imeedately! I make impotent discovry!
America sewer is UNDAGROWND!
And seriously, who do office clerks, public or private, think they're kidding when they claim that a fax didn't go through? I get an error message if it doesn't send properly. You didn't want to bother with it, so you threw it away and asked me to try again later.
Elin, and thousands of other women, love Tiger's milk. Well, until she found out she wasn't the only one enjoying the taste, that is.
Oh, shit, I thought you meant Tiger Balm. Jesus, this stuff tastes awful.
That is funny in about six different ways.
We have a life sized cut out of her in the office. I'd come in to check it out before you made any commitment.
Every old lawyer on the planet will ask to have a 100-page draft printed out, double-spaced, so they can go through it, cross out one word and replace it with another, and then hand it back to someone of lesser importance, who's job it will be to double-click on "total" and type in "sum". (Needless to say, they'll want to see a "final copy".)
WIN.
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