zen koans

Michele Bachmann Calls On Us To Solve The ‘Puzzle’ of Her Twisted Mind

Because America loved that Tom Hanks Da Vinci Code book so much.Forgotten succubus Michele Bachmann crossed a new desperation milestone today with a cryptic and paranoid attack where she claimed that there are secret unnamed Republican fiends who are “frugal socialists,” declined to explain what those are or who exactly makes up this shadowy cabal of right-wing Leninists, and then promised to root out socialism in the GOP and America. When one reporter asked the obvious what in the hell are you talking about follow-up question, she gave an evil grin and said, “that’s part of the puzzle that you figure out when I give a speech.” Thanks, dingbat Yoda, but that is not how presidential campaign communications work.

Oh, no matter. It’s fun! Well, the stab-in-the-dark missing puzzle piece here is that Michele is too chicken shit to call out her Republican presidential primary rivals by name for their, uh, socialist policies and platforms, because Michele has no idea what either “socialism” or “policies” actually are, so she made up some weird conspiracy theory to sound ominous. She has the hang of it! Here’s another strange aphorism she offered up in this same speech, via The Hill:

“If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,” she said, invoking a passage from the Bible’s New Testament.

There you have your riddle to unlock the key to your suffering, starving masses, straight from the Jedi master herself. [The Hill]

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    1. Negropolis

      While I guess one can technically be a "frugal socialist," that's a weird as hell construction, no doubt.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm a "Frugal Socialist" but I think "Dingbat Yoda" would be a much cooler name for a rock band.

      2. Generation[redacted]

        It's like "The Frugal Gourmet" and she's the Martha Stewart of socialism.

        "Workers control the means of production. It's a good thing."

  1. tihond

    It's cool, I've got a "Bachmann to english decoder ring" (You'd never believe what I had to do to get it).

    *Turning the dial*

    "Socialist" = African American

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Nah, I'm pretty sure I'm "socialist", also, too, . despite being 3/4 Norwegian, 1/4 German. Because I vote for Democrats.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        While all African Americans are clearly socialist, not all Socialists are African American. Ergo, uh… derp.

        1. HistoriCat

          Sweet! I knew if I kept trying I could become Honorary Brown/Black. So is there an orientation session or something? I want to start off on the right foot.

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Not to harsh your mellow here or nothin', Hist, but you look pretty damn Brown AND Black to me already, nothin' Honorary about it.

            Unless, of course, you're faking it in that pitcher.

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      now every time I hear Bachmann I'm going to imagine a box that opens a portal to hell. Oh wait, those are the same thing.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    She's saying that John Lennon's spooky tooth is the leader of this shadowy cabal of right-wing Leninists because he had a cavity due to “frugal socialists”. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

      1. emmelemm

        In fact, because I actually went to the House roll call page on the recent "Approve the In God We Trust" bullshit, I noted that Michele was not present for the vote! So she was too busy even to stand up for true patriotism.

    1. Isyaignert

      Yeah, she says she's a federal tax attorney out to prevent you from paying taxes. Somewhere the dumbfuk forgot that she's actually a CONGRESSWOMAN!!!

  3. PuckStopsHere

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,”
    Then where are the jobs, Mr. Boner! Why do you republicans hate Jesus?

  4. Schmannnity

    About the only thing that could save her campaign would be Herman Cain trying to force her face into his lap during the next debate.

      1. OccupytheDashboard

        "I'm here for you honey…I'll suck that dick for you! I'll take one in the team!"

        Don't you mean 'for the team?


      1. Negropolis

        I hear that that vaccination can cause retardation. You know, ppv, the people's papillomavirus.

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      When I imagine this in my head she bites his thing and won't let go, like a pit bull. Eventually rips it off, runs to the corner of the stage and devours it whole.

      1. Barrelhse

        A similar incident occurred in Astoria,OR, many years ago. The old fucking coot who owned BumbleBee Tuna had some job corps girls from Portland working there. He was getting some head from one when he called her a black bitch, so she chomped him.

    1. OccupytheDashboard

      "Keeping the Wacko-Meter pegged "

      The moment you submitted that, Marcus woke from his nap. "What…huh, pegged?"

  5. V572625694

    "Too many Republicans, they also aspire to be 'frugal socialists,' " Bachmann said, vowing to eradicate socialism throughout the U.S. government if elected president.

    Finally, somebody's going to shut down all those public schools and fire and police departments, auction off all the roads and bridges, let those locks and dams just operate themselves. What could go wrong? Oh, and all you cities with municipal utilities (like socialist LA and SF and Colorado Springs*)? Might as well start the bidding!

    Your move, Newt. Whaddya got?
    *Yes, really. Can't explain it.

  6. Pragmatist2

    Another part of the puzzle is this" "What freaking warped planet did you crawl out from under a rock on?"
    The answer is an eight letter word filling in this space: AS_H_L_

    1. emmelemm

      Seriously… mostly when people hear that many voices in their heads, they get admitted… to the psych ward.

  7. Arken

    She probably thinks 'frugal' is what that undercover cop caught Marcus doing in the city park public bathroom at midnight.

  8. JackObin

    I'm willing to bet Michelle whatever an hour of her therapy costs that, when asked, she clould not define socialism.

      1. flamingpdog

        I have a strong suspicion that Michele could not define "therapy", especially after years of observing what Marcus calls "therapy".

    1. Herring_Burnit

      The one-L Michele, she's a beast
      The two-l Michelle, not the least
      And I will bet a pristine seashell
      There isn't any three-L Michellle

      With apologies to Ogden Nash.

  9. donner_froh

    Get rid of socialists in the government and fight sharia law would be an excellent platform to run in in 2012 but it misses on small issue–the entire economy is collapsing. Other than that she looks like a wiener.

  10. smashedinhat

    I was semi comatose on the couch trying to focus one eye on an eposode of "My Name Is Earl" on the teevee and the other on an old Butthole Surfers video on the yootoobe. Michele exploded my head.

    1. OccupytheDashboard

      Tonight on the Frugal Socialist, Jeff takes a break from teaching young men how to bone a chicken to teach us how to cook with cheap-ass wine!

    2. Chichikovovich

      That was a fine show. Shame he decided to give up TV for a job on the Penn State football coaching staff.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    I'd have to guess that sitting down and speaking with her would be the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience. The scary kind.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on, we all knows she is talking about Mittens. She just wants to keep her deniability so that she can be his Secretary of Education of HUD or UN Representative or whatever job she can hold next where she doesn't have to really do any work. .

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      No, no, no. She could never work in the Administration of the not-really-Christian Mittens, getting a large salary and benefits and perks, and … oh, never mind.

  13. BlueStateLibel

    It's those damn frugal socialists always wanting to wildly spend government money like it's going out of style. They're almost as bad as that prude Herman Cain.

  14. fuflans

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat"

    but i can still drink right? i mean not working would suck with not drinking.

    1. ph7

      To borrow a concept from the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers:

      "Drink will get you through times of no Work better than Work will get you through times of no Drink""

        1. flamingpdog

          I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

          Apparently, Miche1e chose the latter option.

    2. Buckminster

      Does this crazywoman really think that the reason people are out of work is that they don't want to work and earn a living? What planet is she from?

    1. flamingpdog

      The editor of the WaPo society page?

      Oh, my mistake, I thought you said a list of suspected Socialites

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    "There you have your riddle to unlock the key to your suffering, starving masses, straight from the Jedi master herself."

    Maybe this puzzle is going to be the plot to another sequel to that Nic Cage National Treasure movie. Or the next Dan Brown/Robert Langdon thriller.

  16. Callyson

    "If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat," she said, invoking a passage from the Bible's New Testament.
    Which means the Republicans in the House will starve. Works for me.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    Today we are all Grasshopper, sitting at the feet of the Kung Foo Master, trying to figure out what the fuck she's talking about.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        Except when you finally do figure out what she said, the effort wasn't worth it.

  18. Callyson

    Also: I guess this means Michele will return the government subsidy for the "farm" any day now…

  19. Spurning Beer

    If any would not work, neither shall he eat.

    A cursory inspection of the trend lines of American obesity and unemployment is enough to discredit this aphorism.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Gotta be a mistranslation. Because the Book of Armaments 4:16-20 says explicitly that after the people did grin, they feasted on lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals.

    1. flamingpdog

      Just wait until the poorz can start using their food stamps to buy McAnus Whoppers 'n Fries. Alabama and Mississippi will be duking it out over which state gets to adopt the Zeppelin as the official state bird.

  20. papercandidate

    It's good to know she supports Article 12 of the Constitution. Albeit, the Soviet Constitution. "In the USSR work is a duty and a matter of honor for every able-bodied citizen, in accordance with the principle: 'He who does not work, neither shall he eat.'"

  21. e_z

    You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed … You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

    Sadly Ms Bachmann gobbled down both pills at once.

  22. littlebigdaddy

    Is Sheley auditioning for the role of the oracle of Delphi? Because that too was a woman (younger, but wtf) strung out on drugs and babbling incoherent shit that other people were supposed to take seriously and figure out the meaning of.

    1. Negropolis

      Actually, I hear she was strung out on cave gas from volcanic vents, but that is neither here nor there. lol

  23. DustBowlBlues

    While Chris Matthews goes up and down in my popularity meter, mostly up these days, he is responsible for launching this moron onto the public stage. Even though he has talked constantly about her "crazy eyes" he can't take it back.

    At least she's consistent. On his show, she wanting the "press" to do a hard-hitting expose on congressmen to ferret out who are the "pro America" and those who are "anti-America." She just throws these outrageous comments out there and challenges reporters to prove she's right. Proving the existence of the socialist, anti-Christian, Democratic (except she'd say Democrat) zombies is next up.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Well, it's not as if anyone listens to her anyway. Her natural constituency is a bunch of fucking misogynistic teatradz who dropped her like a hot potato the minute a candidate with a swingin' dick showed up, she's been redistricted out of her seat, and she's in her mid-fifties and not gettin' any younger.

      There is no Next Stop for Michele. She's garnering 1% in the polls, and it ain't getting any better because Pox Ooze has put the kibosh on her on-air exposure, and nobody's giving her money. She's already more than $1 million in debt and her fundraising efforts are bearing no fruit. So I think you should kiss her on both cheeks. Because she ain't coming back. (thank you deity)

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Fuck Chris Matthews. He is now out humping the notion that Obama is a failure because he is not a dead white Irish president, with Mike Barnicle solemnly nodding agreement, the two of them leaning together like Atlantic City pols waiting for a shipment of booze from Arnold Rothstein.

  24. JustPixelz

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,”

    This is no surprise. It's standard Repubican policy that retirees (who don't work) should not get Social Security. Unemployed? Mchele's diet will make Michelle's look like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Disabled veteran? Suck it, dude — you shoulda joined some socialist country's army.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,”

      She wants us to stop feeding her? OK- no more scraps.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      and this is the next sentence after the quote— in which …Paul?… talks of Michele: "For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread."

  25. DustBowlBlues

    Yes, it's that time of the year. Election Day Eve, when I piss and moan about all the fucking work I do for my church for this big fundraiser dinner we do every year. I have the last of 23 pies in the oven. Yes, you read that right. Our congregation was kind of decimated when our preacher refused to hate the gayz enough and we need the cash, badly. Still, 23 fucking pies? And on the Coconut macaroon pie (like coconut custard only more coconut–and better) I even used too much butter. So much butter, I'm calling them Coconut Chess Pies. (Chess Pie is probably a southern thing).

    Of course, all of this is simply to lead to my own consistent complaint, that I'm a real fucking Xian and these posers might as well be Zombies, for all the good they do.

    Upshot: Jesus totally must love me but they are left out in the cold.

    PS Ohioans (or whatever you're called): Good luck on the election tomorrow and fuck Kasich and that fat drug addict slob, Limbaugh. (He was just on the Ed Show, in case that seemed random, even for me).

    1. flamingpdog

      "Make the pie higher!" – G. W. Bush

      P. S. My oldest son would like to adopt you. He loves pie more than he does his father.

    2. Blueb4sunrise

      I'd like one coconut macaroon pie
      and one fucking pie.

      And you are a good person, despite the hellhounds that you hang with.
      [Not us!]

    3. not that Dewey

      You make us all look bad.

      The Daily Pie Cafe in Pie Town, NM offers a pinon pie, which is sort of like a chess pie,with that gooey brown sugar base, but made with the savory nuts of the pinon pine instead of pecans. Mmmmmm.

      Here's a five-page article from Smithsonian mag that lovingly describes the intersection of Okies, the Dust Bowl, and pies that is Pie Town.

  26. orygoon

    I don't know how Mormons celebrate, but with Perry rambling drunkenly, Cain under fire as a sexual predator, and Michele just asking for the white-coats squad to come get her, it must be happy times. Jesus–what DO Mormons do when they feel party-ish?

      1. WootInTarnation

        I think A-1 sauce falls in with coffee, tea and those other sinful comestibles. Y'know: spices are a, whadayacallit, intoxicating substance, heating the blood (yikes!) and inviting temptation into those magic underpants.

        Sugar is their drug. Uncut sucrose, undiluted HFCS straight to the dome! They prolly mainline that corn syrup when they're really feeling naughty.

    1. flamingpdog

      I dunno, but just a couple of weeks ago, my Mormon convert daughter told me she was thinking about going back to the Book of Mormon and seeing if Mormons are really supposed to be against alcohol. I think she was thinking a glass of wine at bedtime after a long day with the twins would be a just reward for her service to da Lord.

  27. Negropolis

    “that’s part of the puzzle that you figure out when I give a speech.”

    I love how with the GOP candidates that this race isn't about the people, anymore, if it ever was to begin with. It's so blatantly not about America, anymore, I can't see how any of them can win. The line above is akin to when asked what his campaign is about all we get from Herman Cain is to "let Herman be Herman" as if that has anything, whatsoever to do with the running of this nation. It's always about them. The people don't matter; it's a shell game as far as they are concerned.

    I'm honestly getting a bit depressed about how far the GOP has declined. Now more than ever this nation needs honorable opposition parties, and what we have in the GOP is something that can't be described as anything other than suck-ass performance art. It's the saddest, most pitiful damned reality show.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    I'm sure Jesus checked pay stubs and made sure everyone was employed before feeding the masses with his free-market loaves and fishes.

  29. Negropolis

    Hey, Shelly. I got a couple of Bible versus' for your boney, spiteful, hate-filled ass:

    Blessed are the poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
    Blessed are you that hunger now, for ye shall be filled.
    Blessed are you that weep now: for ye shall laugh.

    Woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation.
    Woe unto you that are full now! for ye shall hunger.
    Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep.

    The Beatitudes are a bitch for conservatives, aren't they, Shelly? That's probably why you never quote them. Real Jesus is an inconvenient truth for you, huh?

    1. Schmannnity

      And now, from a fire-breathing liberal secularist:

      On religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.
      I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C" and "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?
      And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism."

      Barry Goldwater, 1981

      Wait, what?

      1. Negropolis

        I'm trying to think of any sitting person in the Senate that could make that same speech, today, and I can't. Not that there aren't Senators that believe in every word of that, but I have a hard time picturing anyone picking that particular fight, Republican or Democrat.

        Surprisingly, there is one guy in the House from my state (Justin Amash) that actually kind of does this. He was the only Republican in the entire House to vote against the affirmation of "In God We Trust", and like he did in the Michigan legislature, he explains every one of his votes on his Facebook page, I believe. The problem is that he still ran as a Republican.

    2. Mrspanky

      "And these signs shall follow them that believe: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. " (Mark 16:17-18)

      I'll bet Michelle & Marcus are all over this one. Of course Marcus has mistaken "serpents" for hot, young boys…..

      1. Herring_Burnit

        No, no, the "serpents" were ON the boys, if you get my drift.

        Edited to add: Marcus had to suck out the venom that the serpents had cast into those young boys with their wicked bites.

    3. Mumbly_Occupado

      I always find it fascinating, the contortions conservative xtians go through, to prevent the Gospel from informing their religious views. One would think that if you're not taking the advice of the dude you named your religion after, you're probably doing it wrong.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        White queen. The Red Queen was mean and obnoxious, but at least she was organized. The White Queen, OTOH, was pure batshit and not entirely there, wherever there was. Which sounds a LOT more like MishMash.

      1. flamingpdog

        I've been trying to come out of the Commie closet for most of my adult years now, but I finally decided it was time to quit stallin'.

      2. Herring_Burnit

        It makes perfect sense that MishMash would be the secret infiltrator commie spy. What better cover to adopt than Flaming Rightwing Batshit KrayKray Nutjob Queen? Who's going to believe she has enough between those winglike ears to feed the former Soviets data on our capabilities?

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Aw, now, pdog, you're just torchering me, as MishMash Teh KrayKray might say.

            Can you believe the media is *still* reporting on her? As if she's some kind of serious candidate.

  30. AddHomonym

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,” but you always get E-Z credit at Jack Peterson's Chevy-Mazda-Hyundai-Mini Cooper, just 14 miles past the airport on Route 3. Come on out and see us!

  31. Barrelhse

    Michelle- consider the Sound of One Hand Slapping. And slapping again. Now smacking you upside the head.

  32. barto

    For the sake of her 3267 children (or is that Ron Paul's spawn count – who tracks these things?!), let's hope the history books are kind to Michele. Probably best if they don't mention her at all.

  33. Antispandex

    "…and then promised to root out socialism in the GOP and America."

    Well the problem there is that the GOP thinks they ARE America. So she is doomed to failure. I know, we already knew that.

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,” she said, invoking a passage from the Bible’s New Testament."

    Now this is more in Michelle's wheelhouse. Exactly what will appeal to conservatards who think people without jobs should starve…they're getting their wish by the way.

  34. Chet Kincaid

    As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.
    –Proverbs 26:11

    If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you.
    –Bruce Lee

  35. lochnessmonster

    I know…she's writing the sequel to "National Treasure" and including us all in the plot!

  36. McRibzgood

    11/07/11 01:06 PM ET

    Michele Bachmann turns in her "Bat Shit Insane" status for "Going Off the Deep End".

  37. SaintRond

    My grandfather had a saying when I was just a child, "If you don't work, you don't eat. If you don't eat, you don't shit. If you don't shit, you die."

    He always had this twinkle in his eye and even at six years old I was able to conclude – he liked seeing people die.

    1. OccupytheDashboard

      I understand that when you reach a certain age, outliving people is all you really have.

  38. Mumbly_Occupado

    My, ah, understanding of that particular line is that it's just as much an indictment of the idle rich who benefit from wealth without actually laboring for their keep, and also of idiot ladies who draw a congressional salary despite never showing up to work, never sponsoring legislation, and instead spending all their time calling the preznit un-American.

  39. DahBoner

    Frugal Socialist = Someone who stands in a line for 8 hours to get toilet paper, and then uses both sides!


  40. DaRooster

    “If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat,”…
    Good thing The Bible didn't say any crap like this stuff-
    "Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."
    "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? "
    "Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."
    "Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor."

    …oh wait.

  41. smitallica

    "If anyone shall not read books other than this clearly mythological "Bible," neither shall he (or she) ever say anything that makes one ounce of fucking sense."

  42. prommie

    Marx's "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need" is a slightly twisted quote from the New Testament, The Acts of the Apostles. The first christians were communists, they "held all things in common," and thats a quote from Acts as well. Because Michelle is a right-wing christian (which makes as much sense as a pacifict warrior), these parts of the bible make her brain circuits spark and burn sometimes. The cognitive dissonance has forced her to come up with her own personal, and nonsensical, meanings for the words she reads, so that they don't conflict with her beliefs.

  43. chascates

    Bachmann: Prayer and fasting will help defeat health care reform: http://minnesotaindependent.com/42612/bachmann-pr

    “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. “Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.”

  44. notreelyhelping

    This morning, she said Coolidge belongs on Mt. Rushmore. Take the meds, Michele. We know they make you feel sluggish, but it's important.

  45. SilverTsunami

    "If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat."
    Boy, that whole separation of church and state thing is a hard one for them, isn't it?

  46. ttommyunger

    Oh well, she doesn't need the money anyway. Word has it that Marcus' "School for Wayward Closet-Fags" will soon be getting several new celebrity clients from Pennsylvania.

  47. Wonderthing

    Fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on me. Fool me infinity times, it's a fucking puzzle and I'm off my meds anyway so fuck you and your rainbow ponies.

  48. not that Dewey

    The approaching holidays are getting me down. In an act of goowill, Mrs Dewey took the little one out tonight so I could have some time in the house alone. It turns out being alone with my thoughts was A REAL FUCKIN DOWNER. But it's late out by you. We can resume another time.

    1. user-of-owls

      Well shit, that sucks. But maybe a couple of things to take a bit of heart from. First, just saying this out loud is a huge improvement over where we were lo those many dark moons ago. Second, the good thing about getting seasonal blues is that they are seasonal, not metaphysical. This might be a pretty stupid suggestion, but when the bummers come on, look at wee Susie's eyes and see how they are twinkling with every day closer to Xmas she gets. Remember what it was like to feel that? Force yourself, then look at her again. More in a sec.

    2. user-of-owls

      Wanted to get that off so you knew I was still on the line. Being alone with your thoughts can, we both know too well, be a rather dicey proposition. But maybe it doesn't have to be if we can just cut ourselves the same slack we'd cut any other human being. You have changed your life and in so doing, have changed the lives of untold numbers of other people for the better. Two of those people are out tonight and I'll bet you a mortgage payment they've been talking about you. That means something very powerful and very meaningful. Hold that. Treasure it.

      And what exactly is it that's bumming you about the holidays? Anything in particular or just a generic malaise? If it's the latter, maybe just putting it out on the shelf and looking at it will make you realize how small it probably is. Oh, and one more thing. Smile big and give the two ladies a big hug when they get home. After all, Mrs. Dewey did show you an act of "goo-will"!

      1. not that Dewey

        Our neighbors, these cute young grad students from Ukraine, have a band and they were performing tonight. Yeah, I went out and met them, and Suzie and I danced and made a spectacle of ourselves (in a good way), and that certainly helped.

        It was fun to snark about it this morning, but I was really only half-joking. Or not at all. It's not so much seasonal blues as it is an opportunity for me to recall, with horror and shame, what a mess I was last year at this time. And in full view of my mom, sister, everyone. The memories, though still somewhat foggy, are starting to come into clearer focus, and it's not fun. Sure, it's better now, and I'm better now, and there won't be a repeat. But that doesn't make the past mistakes go away.

        There's also the "trigger" aspect — Halloween was rough. Apparently I had some pretty strong associations between the Devil's holiday and Mr Walker's crimson variety. I sat on the porch handing out candy to the kids and weeping beneath my rubber chicken mask. And I don't anticipate the next three major holidays being any different.

        It's not acute. I'm not going to do anything stupid. But like the roller coaster that you regret boarding, because it goes too fast and the hills are too steep, knowing that it's coming doesn't make me any less anxious.

        pff. guh. thanks for listening. You're right — it always helps to "say it out loud".

        1. user-of-owls

          No, it's not fun and no, we'll never be able to "make the past mistakes go away." So why try? Yes, your mom, sister and everyone saw you when you were in a bad way. But paradoxically, this only sharpens the degree of respect they now have for you and deepens their joy at spending time with a healthy Dewey. The only ones dwelling on our wretched pasts, on the pain we caused, the only ones obsessing about this are ourselves. Fuck that shit. Fuck it all to hell. You're bigger than your mistakes and you're stronger than your weaknesses. So maybe it will be rough getting through a year of ritualistic drinking occasions. But next year, you'll be remembering this years Halloween. The sober one. And eventually we'll build up our own new little set of associations, the ones that will end up saving our lives.

          I'm always here, amigo. I'm always listening.

          1. not that Dewey

            My plan to "stay busy" as a way to ward off the demons is leaving me burned out. But I only have two more 30-page math assignments due in the next two weeks, then I can relax for a day or two. My office mate and I are both "over" on our vacation time — we have to use 14 days before Jan 20 or lose it, and our respective work loads are such that there's no real opportunity to do that. We've decided we want to check ourselves into mental hospitals where we can wear bath robes and be injected with tranquilizers and drool on ourselves for a couple weeks. Sounds heavenly.

            Our 23-year-old nephew (a victim of economic contraction) will be moving in with us on Thursday. Apparently north Florida is so devoid of economic and educational opportunities that he thinks he can seek his fortune HERE, which is rather depressing. It's cool, for the greater good, support the family, etc, but it will mean even less alone time for Dewey. That sounds selfish, huh?

          2. not that Dewey

            Also, CIGNA denied my claim for the therapist, so I'm out several hundred dollars AND I've discontinued therapy, over a month ago. I just pick up some extra meetings now, when I think I need it. They're free, and although they're not strictly about me, as the therapist sessions had been, I find it's easier for me to be honest with the old drunks.

            Suzie just called me into her room (7am) and said that although she was not awake yet, her eyes woke up so they could watch a movie. : )

          3. user-of-owls

            Holy cannoli…that's one helluva big chunk to respond to!! So first, "math assignments"? Huh? Second, it's a good and decent thing you're doing to take in the nephew. And it might not necessarily be a bad thing if Dewey has a little less alone time. Third, if I could kick CIGNA in the cunt for that, I would. I got cut off from therapy by the quietly vicious insurance incubi (even though I was less than halfway through the total annual visits I am guaranteed under the U's policy) about 2 years ago and was in absolutely no shape to contest it. Makes one wonder whether there is intentional targeting of people who are too sick, physically and/or mentally, for 'cost containment.'
            And lastly…HAH!…that is precious beyond words, perfect in so many ways! Suzie Kilroy es preciosa!!! The thing that baffles me, though, is what I saw at the bottom of the piece:

            Contact Suzanne Barteau

            I'm thinking, "Hmm, I know it's Dewey's daughter but it seems awfully precocious of her to be working as a reporter at age four." So maybe I should assume that your handle for this Suzanne reporter person is "Isabel"? In any event, that picture really, really brought joy to my soul and confidence in your recovery. Oh, and I almost forgot about the wakening eyes anecdote!! Like I said, that's a lot to remark on!

          4. not that Dewey

            I thought we were supposed to be intentionally oblique on the Wonket. No? I guess I started using that moniker for her here before I realized that there would be a reporter of the same name who would photograph her for the local paper several months later. Oops.

            This isn't the first time I've blown my cover, btw. Pristine knows my ACTUAL NAME (a violation of Wonket commenting policy), which I carelessly left in place in the "reply to" section of an email. Oh well. Hopefully you won't be stalking us too much.

            "Math assignments", indeed. My degree will be MS Physics, Atmospheric Instrumentation. So there's some math involved. This is a graduate course in "statistical methods for analysis of time series and spatial data" and there's a fuck of a lot of code to write for it.

            Now, a bacon-eating secular Jew will quote St Francis:

            grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted

            which is how I'm trying to approach the "alone time" thing. It seems like a selfish pursuit, all the way through, though I often think I will go insane if I don't have an hour a week to blare some loud music and drool on myself. Keep working it. Not there yet.

            Have you read James Thurber's "The Bear Who Let it Alone"? I had to laugh.

            In the interest of adhering to the Prime Directive of Wonket ("Funny or GTFO"), I hope to feel funny again soon.

          5. user-of-owls

            Oh you goober, you are funny. Also, she may know your name but I know your phone number ;) Well, actually, knew it. You sent it when I think I had you worried I'd do something foolish. In any event, I have left enough breadcrumbs laying around that someone as stupid as Perry could find me in the 'reals.' Ok, maybe not that stupid.
            Anyway, thanks for sharing that pic, it really is like Instant Oatmeal for the Soul.

            p.s. ARIMA or GTFO!

          6. user-of-owls

            Not bad, considering we both know full well what a standard deviation is.

            Both. Mrs. Owls and I will be eating with a sweetheart of a couple (and their visiting son) who will abstain, though I told them not to worry about it. I'll be righteous. You do the same, compa!

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