flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

That's MRS. Flotus to you...By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can!

While our FLOTUS has been working hard to convince children and Barack Obama that vegetables are in their best interest, she has also been waging some sort of dietary civil war in the actual White House.

Surrounded all day and most nights by delicious cakes, cookies, pies and more, Susie Morrison gave in to temptation too often during long hours at work in the White House pastry kitchen.

But no more.

Never a runner, the assistant pastry chef has finished her first 5K run. When the weather cooperates, she pedals her bicycle 26 miles roundtrip to work. She’s eating more vegetables, limiting coffee and drinking up to a gallon of water every day – dietary changes that Morrison says helped her drop 30 pounds from her 5-foot-5 frame in about 18 months.

One person gets most of the credit for Morrison’s lifestyle makeover: Michelle Obama.

We can probably assume that Susie Morrison rides her bicycle 26 miles to and from work because Michelle Obama took away her parking spot, for laffs.

Some of Morrison’s colleagues are also taking the message to heart – and the proof is in their waistlines.

Assistant chef Adam Collick cut out hundreds of calories by eliminating a daily coffee fix – three 20-ounce cups topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

“Once you see the changes in your body and the way you feel, it’s going to make you want to keep doing it,” said Collick, who became a de facto coach to colleagues battling the bulge. The 25-year veteran of the White House kitchen helped motivate them to stick with their programs or get back on track after they’d overdone it a little.

This is Michelle Obama’s warning to the world. Now that she has conquered the White House kitchen, we are all next! [AP]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

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  • Fare la Volpe

    You know who else made all their workers lose a bunch of weight?

    • GlowneyHouse

      George Donner?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Karen Carpenter?

    • hollywooddood

      China?

    • flamingpdog

      Hitler?

      • angryhaiku

        Hermann Goering destroyed enemies of the Reich by sitting on them.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Richard Simmons?

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      Herman Cain?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Kirstie Alley?

    • SorosBot

      The Pharaoh Khufu?

    • MzNicky

      Moammar Gadhafi?

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      NASA?

      (but they gained it all back when they landed)

    • chicken_thief

      Ralph Lauren?

    • Occupy V572
    • SayItWithWookies

      Robespierre?

      • GlowneyHouse

        Kim Jong-Il?

    • HipHop0Potamus

      Mugatu?

    • V572625694

      Pol Pot?

    • YouBetcha

      Jesus?

    • TitsOccupado

      Josef Mengele?

    • Negropolis

      Anna Wintour?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I fucking hate cauliflower.

    • MzNicky

      Try smothering it in cheese sauce.

      • karen

        Most vegetables are indeed better smothered in cheese sauce. Spicy cheese sauce.

        But then you get the spicy cauliflower shits. Ugh.

      • Limeylizzie

        I adore Cauliflower au Gratin, actually I think I could even handle Sarah Palin au Gratin.

        • flamingpdog

          I have to admit I've considered Sarah Palin covered in vegetable oil, but never au Gratin.

          • LowProfileinGA

            Tastes like salmon, I figger.

          • SayItWithWookies

            The stuff that's farm-raised but advertised as fresh caught.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        I smother my hate in snark. I could try cheese sauce but then I'd have to eat my fries au naturel.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Is it the flavor or texture, Baldar? Practically flavorless, I find, but goes with curry sauce nicely. Somewhere I have a recipe for frying it w/ crumbled bacon, but that could outmaneuver any of its nutritional benefit, and it is *packed* w/ vitamins C & potassium.

      My favorite is steaming it then batter w/ egg & breadcrumbs, sautee w/ garlic oil. If you have sesame oil, even better, but adding garlic never hurts.

      • Occupy V572

        Mmm…bacon, batter, eggs, breadcrumbs, garlic, oil…Hard to think of any foods or substances that wouldn't be edible after being subjected to that treatment. You should open a restaurant and start franchising.

      • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

        Mmmmm…bacon, chocolate of the meat world!

      • DaRooster

        I make mashed cauliflower…

    • Tundra Grifter

      Both cauliflower and broccoli (along with being tricky to spell) taste better raw. Carrots, too. I think the mistake most people make is to cook 'em.

      Of course, ranch dip probably isn't lo-cal. But you don't have to over do it.

      • DaRooster

        I make ranch with no fat yogurt… greek works best. A few herbs (dill, garlic, pepper, chives, parsley). If the yogurt is too much split it with lo-fat mayo… better than most ranches.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Oh, and Tzatziki (Sp?) is to die for.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      I love fucking cauliflower. What?

    • BerkeleyBear

      I'm guessing that goes back to childhood and oversteamed, nasty hunks of it. I know it does for me and stuff like cabbage and broccoli (although I've come to appreciate a nice broccoli prep, such as cutting the heart like a steak and pan frying with a little salt, it is never my first choice).

      Have you tried it mashed, perchance with a little grated cheddar or butter, salt and pepper? Much better than steamed chunks.

    • Negropolis

      I fucking love cauliflower…if it is included with equal parts brocoli. You eat the former, first, and then leave the best of the two for last.

  • MrFizzy

    Cook those turkey burgers at 451 degrees to ensure doneness.

  • GuanoFaucet

    First they came for the assistant pastry chefs, and I did not speak out.

  • vulpes82

    History's greatest monster.

    • Negropolis

      Fuhrer Libel!

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Look out Governor Krispy Cream of N.J.! Your time has come. The Rotund One is in the FLOTUS sights.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      He is a target no one could miss.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      What about Newt? He can't see his own penis without a mirror.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I'm fine, really, if we just keep it that way.

      • MzNicky

        Newt Gingrich has a penis? Who knew!

        • Occupy V572

          Wives 1-3 and an unknown number of others sufficiently large to warrant a $0.5M account @Tiffany's.

          • Native_of_SL_UT

            Actually if he had a sufficient penis, he wouldn't need the Tiffany account.

          • Occupy V572

            That’s one (very likely) hypothesis. Another is that said penis, of whatever length or girth, was deployed to inappropriate locations, and that emoluments from Tiffany were required to at least partially ameliorate the harm done when the appropriate repository learned of the event(s).I’m trying to elevate the language a bit to minimize the ew-factor.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Actually, that's the nickname Off-the-Mark Levin (AFLAC! AFLAC!) gave him – Christie Kreme.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      The Rotund One is in the FLOTUS sights

      Kinda hard to miss him, since half the Eastern Seaboard is trapped in his gravitational well…

      • proudgrampa

        Zing!

  • Chichikovovich

    First they came for Assistant chef Adam Collick's three 20-ounce cups of coffee topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup, and I said nothing, because let's face it – that's ridiculous.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What? That's breakfast!

      • Tundra Grifter

        If you drink that dessert for breakfast, how do you still have room for the morning tall boy?

    • not that Dewey

      Why do these morons continually conflate coffee with whatever the hell they were drinking? How does eliminating a stimulant and appetite-suppressant from one's diet cause weight-loss? If I hear fucking Natalie Morales or Matt Lauer tell me ONE MORE TIME that I should eliminate that thrice-daily $6 "coffee" in order to save money and lose weight, someone is going to wake up with a peacock shoved up his or her ass. Coffee is calorie-less and costs $0.04 per serving. GAH!

      • GhostBuggy

        I would wager that in these inane health stories, they include the high-fat, half coffee/half sugary creamed dessert concoctions under the term "coffee." Which is annoying, because you're right: Coffee is delicious and not bad for you (in terms of your weight) and shouldn't be so maligned.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It's horrific what they've done to coffee over the last decade or so — foam, flavorings, syrup, sweet creamy repugnance — mostly because Americans can no longer consume anything that doesn't taste like Gummi Bears. For more, please see my rap album, Fear of a Black Coffee.

        • Mumbly_Occupado

          Pretty much. I think it's safe to say that if you have to turn coffee into a candy milkshake in order to enjoy it, you don't actually "like coffee".

          I mean, I definitely have been known to take my coffee with too much sugar and a drop or two of milk, on occasion, but I can still enjoy an unsweetened Turkish coffee or espresso when the mood strikes me, without diluting it in a gallon of milk and a dollop of corn syrup.

          • proudgrampa

            Agreed, Mumbly. People who put all that crap in their coffee don't really like coffee.

            I have the occasional capuccino with too much sugar, but my coffee drink of choice is a 32 oz French roast with two shots of espresso. We call that a "Black Eye."

      • MzNicky

        Plus, coffee keeps me, um, "regular." I count that as weight loss right there.

    • Mahousu

      If Adam Collick is a "25-year veteran," he joined the White House kitchen staff during the Reagan administration. Perhaps that explains why he had confused a sundae with a cup of coffee.

      • smitallica

        Makes perfect sense. After all, Reagan confused ketchup with a vegetable. And jelly beans with…well, governing.

        • HistoriCat

          There you go again …

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    But She2ey didn't take the donuts from the police so they can be strong. #OWS weeps.

    • Occupy V572

      In honor of Bachmann, shouldn't we start calling her Michel²e?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        No.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          You were pretty quick on the draw there. Obvs you haven't been hitting the donuts too hard.

        • Occupy V572

          Al² righty, then.

      • TitsOccupado

        Honor, Bachmann, does not compute.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    If Ladies could run for President, I would vote for her. She seems really nice.

    • MzNicky

      I'd like to have a beer with her. And some big bready pretzels with warm mustard-cheese dip.

      • Limeylizzie

        Who are you? You, with all your talk of cheese, you, I could love.

        • MzNicky

          Never met a problem yet that a good ol' heapin' helpin' of smooth warm melty cheese couldn't fix.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Yeah, I always suspected Wisconsonants were secretly kinky.

          • MzNicky

            I resent that. I'll have you know I'm not a Midwesterner, Bubba! I reside in the glorious border state of Tennessee, so there.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Beer, pretzels, and cheese? Do they let you do that in public, in Tennessee?

          • MzNicky

            Sure, as long as you're carryin' your gun with ya. Although I might have trouble gettin' Mrs. Obammy into the "whites-only" section.

  • MonsterAGoGo

    Yknow what lady? The country is a fucking mess and your husband is more words than action when it comes to fixing the crippling joblessness and neorobberbaronism. I realize there are degrees to everything, and I should want to applaud your work, but I don't . i'd prefer you spend your First Lady Cred on something else other than coming off like a scold. Recycling? Gasoline efficiency? Community service with the aged? I dunno. Anything but having Mrs Beanpole lecture us all about not getting enough exercise.

    • MrFizzy

      On the other hand, it seems to be doing some good, unlike most everything else the government gets involved in these days. At least people aren't getting their legs blown off bring democracy to the middle east.

      • Occupy V572

        You must've seen those kids on "60 Minutes" last night. Heartbreaking. Someday they'll contribute great snark, so there's a bright side.

        • GhostBuggy

          That "60 Minutes" piece was something else. Scotty P. even started to tear up during an interview, and I kind of wanted to as well.

          But, you know, defending our freedumbs and all that! Keep 'em over there for all time!

      • nonbeliever7

        Getting your legs blown off counts as weight loss for republicans. Like catsup is a veggie.

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          Yeah, but if you get your legs blown off in Vietnam, it doesn't count as patriotism. Ask Max Cleland.

          • Occupy V572

            Or ask John Kerry if being in actual combat in Vietnam makes you a more credible military leader than being AWOL from the National Guard in Alabama.

    • hollywooddood

      Regardless, you still have every right to be an obese, diabetic, artery-clogged, McRib eating, hypertensive, Wonkette-reading couch potato. No worries.

      This is America, after all.

      • MonsterAGoGo

        Actually I'm a vegetable loving short stocky Gimli shaped (but beardless) lactose intolerant Ulcerative Colitis having Wonkette potato. I just think she sounds like a smug fuck. I think the best way to make people want to put down the comfort food and live longer is to make life worth living longer for.

        As long as all Americans have to look forward to is more servitude to corporate whores in an environmentally wasted plutocracy, they will not care about dying young from coronary artery disease.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          I'll take "eat your vegetables" over "just say no" any day. Just how powerful do you think the FLOTUS is?

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          I was going to go work out this afternoon, but since capitalist oligarchs are still running amok, I guess I'll just have another box of HoHos

          • not that Dewey

            And besides, Michelle Obama is smug, so we should all go stuff cheese fries directly into our arteries.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            get a sugar high then wreck stuff!

        • OccupytheDashboard

          "lactose intolerant Ulcerative Colitis"
          https://www-304.ibm.com/connections/blogs/predict

          • MonsterAGoGo

            My point was that I watch my diet already due to illness and don't suck down creamhorns in fried cheese. Why is that guy sitting on a xerox machine?

        • sati_demise

          ah, but corporate whores ™ are the ones who took over and fuckin' ruined our food in the first place. They brainwashed Americans into belief that 'food like' substances are 'comfort food' and YOU FELL FOR IT.

          good god, if you want to have your health (and thus make life worth living longer) you have to drop out of the corporate food system in America. Because this is the system:

          Big Ag makes us sick so Big Pharma can sell us drugs.

    • MrFizzy

      It continues to surprise me that people blame Obama for the mess we're in – it's not as if he created it. An utter lack of foresight and any control whatsoever over the financial industry (and other industries) is what caused most of this mess – you can go all the way back to the Carter administration to lay blame. Obama's moronic predecessor oversaw an enormous accumulation of debt, based in large part on two glorious wars. But it's Obama's fault, right?

      • MonsterAGoGo

        Never said he caused it. But his DLC ProBusiness Triangulating and kowtowing to GOP and Wall Street haven't fixed it. Thanks, though, for the straw, man!

        • MrFizzy

          Fair enough – I have a bit of buyer's remorse about him – he's in a nearly impossible spot, but clearly could've stood up and spoken the truth many times, and didn't. This pipeline thing is going to be interesting – I'm sure the repubelickins are drooling over the prospect, either way.

          • sati_demise

            Obama is going to put off the XL decision until after the election.

            kowtow.

    • SorosBot

      Fuck that shit. The Republicans control Congress, and the Blue Dogs don't help. I am so sick of this "it's all Obama's fault that I don't have a pony" bullshit.

      • MonsterAGoGo

        Obama not having the balls to not flinch and capitulate instead of staring them down =/= I haz no pony whaa.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          no balls = teleprompter

          • MonsterAGoGo

            You are correct, teleprompters are machines not male mammals, and therefore have no testicles. That is what you meant right?

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Pick a Republican or Blue Dog Congressman and devote some effort toward taking him/her out of Congress. You may find this to be a more effective solution for your concerns than dropping into Wonkette every 3 or 4 months to vent your hatred of the Obamas.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            I already do, thank you. Also, I'm here daily. You, and I, have the luxury of coming here to voice our opinions. And do please learn that disagreeing with someone's politics is not hate. I may think he's a letdown and a cringingly insecure man who does things in the vain hope he will get the love of those who *do* hate him (the GOP), but I do not hate him.

            Unless this site is yours personally, you come off like a sick bully ordering people away. It's sad. I read your stuff and most of the time I respect what you say, but you do come off like a bully when anyone crosses your Maginot line of Liberal Purity.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            I'm here daily, I *do* work against Blue Dogs, and disagreeing is not hate.

        • SorosBot

          Because staring the Republicans down will somehow magically make them vote for his proposed legislation instead of reflexively blocking everything as they've been doing. Bullshit. The President can't wave a magic wand and make Congress do what he wants, and this Congress will not, will never, cooperate with him. Put the blame where it belongs.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            Not being a willow in the wind to the Republican breeze would help rally his party membership behind him to vote leftist. Bully pulpit, hang together, etc. They will never vote for his legislation in droves, but enough courage in the face of the GOP snarling would mean the difference between his constantly appeasing them and beating them at brinkmanship. Gutlessness is no virtue.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            If the fuckers are willing to filibuster a motion to bring a bill to to a vote (not the bill itself, but the bringing of the bill to a vote), there's nothing short of the next election that can have the slightest effect on them. I just pray that the Dems hammer them mercilessly over their pigheaded uselessness.

        • hollywooddood

          Obama likes gourmet mustard on his hamburgers, don't forget.

      • CZL

        If the left abandons Obama, what support would he have to try to shape progressive policy? If the left wants a leftier president, they need to let the guy know they'll support him, not turn into a bunch of whinging crybabies when they don't get their pony.

        • MonsterAGoGo

          Sorry you were asleep for a year or two, but the left supported Obama vehemently from day one, and not long after taking the oath of office he gave up even TALKING about shaping progressive policy. His handlers even admitted it.

          • CZL

            That's… a perspective on the situation.

            I knew he was fairly centrist. That much was obvious from listening to the guy. He had some progressive notions and is very, very smart.

            Did you honestly believe Fox News when they called him a socialist or a leftist? I didn't. The guy is a middle of the road Keynesian type, an American liberal. He wanted some progressive changes early on that he wasn't able to get (like a public option for health care) because WE let the Tea Party and Fox create the soundbites on it. And now that OWS is finally mobilizing the left we are winning the messaging battle for public opinion, I bet Obama swings back to the left a little.

            What I'm saying is that if this is a representative democracy, and you elected a consensus building centrist in the hopes that he could undo eight years of frat boy idiocy, we have to share the burdens of success (we got our guy elected!) and failure (policy isn't progressive enough!). Liberals haven't wanted to own the second one, at least not until OWS.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            I never watched Fox once in my life. I believed Obama when me made progressive campaign prmises and slogans that turned out to be empty.

          • AddHomonym

            Eh, forget it.

          • kingofmeh

            aren't slogans by definition "empty"? people have slogans to get elected. if you just voted for him because you heard the word "hope" and "change" and ascribed to those terms whatever you wanted to hear, then you voted for him for the wrong reason.

            if you want to blast obama for the things he actually promised to do and then didn't (e.g., close guantanamo), then that's fair. but that's actually a fairly short list, since his platform was never terribly specific.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            Unfortunately, it was not specific most often, true. But I do in fact mean specifics he failed on, like Gitmo, like repealing tax cuts for the rich, like EFCA, etc.

    • Limeylizzie

      I think there is room for you at Firedoglake.

      • MonsterAGoGo

        But no room for difference of opinion here?

        • Limeylizzie

          Plenty of room for difference of opinion, just a low tolerance for humourless, hate-filled rants.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            Wow, you're thin skinned. Disagreeing with the FLOTUS, while admitting that I *should* respect what she is doing, is hateful? Your feelings must get hurt very easily.

          • Limeylizzie

            Not a case of being thin-skinned, at all, just not sure that Blair's regular love-fest, albeit snark-filled, column is the place to rant about FLOTUS.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            Well send me a copy of the rules as to where I'm allowed to comment on things, I'll get right to reading it. No need to include your definiton of "hateful", broad as it is, I have that already.

          • Limeylizzie

            I never said 'hateful” actually, what I said was “hate-filled”.

          • MonsterAGoGo

            It was wrong either way.

          • MrFizzy

            I don't think that was hate-filled at all. I'm a card-carrying pinko, but also think that a lot of liberals have a huge blind spot when it comes to stuff like this. IMO Obama has done a really good job given the circumstances, but I continue to wonder why he isn't pushing harder to get some banking and business reforms. The congress is most of the problem at this point, but it doesn't mean he should just capitulate every chance he gets, and turn everything over to Wall Street guys to fix. Unfortunately, the congressional asylum is run by the inmates now, and you have to deal with that reality, and not assume that everyone's going to act like rational adults.

          • Occupy V572

            Thank for for reiterating our raison d'être.

          • Limeylizzie

            I just can't stand it when the Wonkette ceases to be the Wonkette and becomes Daily Kos or Firedoglake, there is plenty of room for diverse opinion here, I believe, but when those opinions become strident then Wonkette just becomes another serious and earnest place to go.

          • James Michael Curley

            Just finishing a campaign where the Republicans are blaming Democrats for ripping down the bunting in their headquarters and hoping everyone forgets we had record breaking wind, rain and snow that night.

          • Occupy V572

            Yes! It would be fun to have conservative commenter who was funny and didn’t mind being called a conservatard.

          • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

            Sounds more like a Paultard or Naderite to me.

          • Limeylizzie

            There was one who was fun, what happened to him/her? I think the demise of the “thumbs down” is the problem.

    • MzNicky

      There there. Sounds like someone needs a nice big box of Krispy Kremes® and three 20-ounce cups of coffee with extra caffeine topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

      • LowProfileinGA

        No cheese??

        • MzNicky

          Cheese-smothered Krispy Kremes® … ummmm …. ohhh …

          • HistoriCat

            Wrap some bacon around that and you have a best seller!

          • not that Dewey
      • flamingpdog

        Damn, now I'm going to be late to work! But buy local, not Krispy Kreme. (I can be a scold, too.)

        • MzNicky

          Krispy Kreme® IS local, for me. They originated down here in the Southeast. I used to sell them door-to-door to raise funds for our junior-high school band.

      • MonsterAGoGo

        Thanks, but dyou have any nice Earl Grey instead?

    • MozakiBlocks

      Would you like a cookie?

      • proudgrampa

        I wouldn't say no to a cookie.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      Look at this as a Healthcare Initiative that will save billions of dollars (in the future) that will be needlessly spent on things like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.

      • not that Dewey

        Why do you hate America? Diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease are the new "baseball, apple pie, and chevrolet".

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I see virtues in all of the alternative causes you mentioned, Mr. Gogo, and let me point out why the diet-centered campaign is *not* an 'easy' virtue, unlike those. They are not wrapped up in folks' psyches, nor decades of habit, reinforced with advertising. Even waging war on a debilitating neuro-calcifying disease is an easy virtuous cause compared with challenging people to consider a way toward longevity and just feeling better, yet requires rethinking some personal daily choices. Health campaigning doesn't require an elaborate support structure like recycling (though outside support helps); the biggest obstacle is self-motivation. If she can provide some of it extrinsically — & she did get attention from the start for her physique, which rather than laugh it off she opts to share "how it gets done" — I feel it could have an impact on younger ages where the obesity has begun to manifest itself more frequently. The fact many adults take affront at her vocal dedication to it, well I admire in her willingness to handle the risk of taking heat from naysayers who could just ignore her if they don't want to be lectured. It shows me she's got balls.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Hey, rantboy, you are a little behind the times if you think all Mrs. Obama does is take away fries and try to get kids moving (and if she's a bean pole Scarlett Johanson is anorexic). She has worked tirelessly on veteran's issues, including family supports, wounded warrior initiatives and the concerns of female vets. Given that we have hundreds of thousands of vets coming home and still have over 150k in Afghanistan that's a pretty important issue. She's chosen a less high profile role than Hilary Clinton had on healthcare (which worked out so well, after all), but a hell of a lot more vital than either of the Bush First Ladies (childhood literacy) or Nancy Reagan (Just Say No).

      Oh, as to your alternative issues – Michelle has pushed recycling, composting, and organic food production, implementing the same in the WH gardens she had planted, among other things. Her hubby, who you seem to hate so much, just announced increased gas efficiency standards. And among other things in the stimulus bill was increased funding for community service programs like Vista and Americorps, including an emphasis on not only helping the elderly but getting active seniors to volunteer their expertise and time.

      As to Obama's actual achievements, I'd be happy to go hammer and tongs with you over how he's accomplished more by "caving" than Clinton, Carter or JFK, and arguably is in the same league as LBJ and FDR as one of the most effective presidents of the last 100 years, but you'd never get it. But before you step to bash Mrs. Obama, at least have a clue what you are talking about.

      • fuflans

        i am a girl and i think it is very sad that scarlett johansson lost all her curves.

    • fuflans

      i don't know. i think this is a PERFECT way to spend first lady cred. it's not really about making you exercise – or making skinny bitches skinnier. it's about educating a nation that is hopelessly obese and shaming america's best friends, our corporations, into helping with things like food deserts.

      also, fuck the olds*. they get too much attention as it is.

      * well, except ttommy whom we love.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Uh-oh! Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

      Funny you should mention gasoline efficiency in a story profiling someone who has started biking to work, presumably in lieu of driving or taking a bus.

      Seriously, that's the dumbest reaction to a story about FLOTUS influencing people to live a healthier lifestyle that I've read outside a Breitbart site. And criticizing Michelle Obama for coming off like a scold in the middle of a rant scolding her? Oh, the irony is priceless!

      In short, take the high-minded whining and go fuck yourself.

      • MonsterAGoGo

        Thank you. I picked up Bloom County vols. 4 and 5 this weekend and thought of you.

    • Negropolis

      Really, who the fuck do you think you are? I love this "she doesn't do everything exactly the way I want her to" bullshit. Honestly, why don't you fucking go peddle recycling or efficiency or help the old? I'm sorry you don't think her cause is up to her office. That's your problem.

      I don't mind differences in opinion, but these petty, personal, bullshit attacks have got to stop. Her cause is not your cup of tea? Too fucking bad, you bitter, smug-assed cad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    If you can't stand the weight, get out of the kitchen.

  • valgal2342

    Sign me up, I ate too much Halloween candy.

  • freakishlywrong

    The hateful wingers could use a dose of this health advice. Thank Jebus they're too busy hurling insults and calling her fat and elitist to take it. Die sooner, assholes.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Is it ironic to agree with the first lady while eating a doughnut???

    • Limeylizzie

      What do you weigh?

    • MzNicky

      Is it smothered in cheese?

    • freakishlywrong

      It is. It's like a fly in your chardonnay or a free ride, when you've already paid.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Or Joe Walsh getting a "pro-family legislator of the year" award.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, so long as you realize that donuts are a sometimes-food.

  • north_of_moscow

    They may take away my muffin top, but they'll never take away my freedom.

    • LowProfileinGA

      "…freedom fries."

  • Come here a minute

    The right arm of a one hundred fifty pound woman weighs approximately thirty pounds.

    Michelle Obama cut off her pastry chef's arm because she was stealing treats from the kitchen. CREEPING SHARIA!

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "Bye, fat tits!"

    — Michelle to Kitchen Staff

  • NorthStarSpanx

    How do I get a job in Michelle's kitchen?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Most people I know pay a ton of money to lose 30 lbs. To do it while working in a freaking kitchen and chilling with FLOTUS is pretty cool… where do I sign up?

    • TitsOccupado

      I think I'd rather work in her garden, know what I'm sayin'?

      • DahBoner

        Don't let The Big O catch your plow in that row…

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    So, since Paul Ryan runs P90X classes to get other House Republicans to lose weight, does that mean he's a secret communist Obama Kenyan muslin plant?????

    • flamingpdog

      He certainly has the intelligence and compassion of a plant.

    • Crowe2011

      If they're in the house then they're already on a public healthcare programme; it's too late for them. Paul Ryan is trying to save everyone else from becoming the kind of godless communist who engages in death-panel ordered exercise.

  • An_Outhouse

    If they paid a living wage then their wage slaves could afford gas for their used cars and wouldn't have to ride bikes like they're Chinese peasants.

  • SorosBot

    Republicans, there is only one thing to do to prove you do not submit to Michelle's health proposals: eat nothing but fat and sugar every meal, and eat as much of it as possible to balloon yourself up above 300 or even 400 pounds. That'll show her!

    • flamingpdog

      On the good news side of things on a dreary Monday morning (no snark here), I guees this woman has found Michelle's religion.

      • SorosBot

        "Most people see me as a woman who became famous for wanting to gain weight while the rest of the world was trying to slim down. This was true as I was in a relationship that was based on a fetish that exists only in a fantasy"

        Eeeeew. Least healthy & grossest fetish (well that doesn't involve direct bodily harm) ever.

    • KathrynSane

      And then die very very soon. Please.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's weight change I can believe in.

      • not that Dewey

        We are the ones we have been weighing for.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Seems like a few weeks ago, Glenn Beckkk was comparing to MO to Marie Antoinette. But all along she's been "DON'T let them eat cake." So go fuck yourselt GB, you pasty, gelatinous blob of pig fat.
    http://videos.nymag.com/video/Glenn-Beck-Calls-Mi… Beck Calls Michelle Obama, 'Marie Antoinette'

  • Joshua Norton

    Soshalizm! Next thing you know, Big Gubinmint will force you to stir ground flaxseed into your lime Jello and give your new flat screen TV to hobos.

    • DahBoner

      Mmmmm….flaxseed in jello!

      //writes down idea

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is a good thing for her to do. Because it's really important to move every now and then. Like if you are playing video games for a long time, or, well I can't think of any other things that may cause you to not move for awhile, but there's probably a few more, your blood will stop running into your legs and then they could fall off or worse. So everybody should move a couple of times a day if you ever want to walk again.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      I don't recall whether I've said this before, but I really enjoy your "well-meaning goofus" persona. Also your bird pictures. Birds are pretty.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Thank you, you are a very nice person. Birds are really sneaky too!

  • Pragmatist2

    Whoa!!! The BIG question here is win did Wonkette get people who were sober enough to post at 8:44 AM?

    • Chichikovovich

      If you drink three 20-ounce cups of coffee topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup you can stay up pretty late.

    • MzNicky

      It's the time change. We got an extra hour.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They're up late.

    • proudgrampa

      Who says you have to be sober?

      • Pragmatist2

        Excellent point.

      • flamingpdog

        It helps if you're not.

  • James Michael Curley

    When I cut back on the coffee I eliminated Collick also.

  • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

    I don't trust skinny chefs.

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, but would you rather trust a young, fat chef or an old, skinny chef?

  • Ancient_Hacker

    is this a case of Fat Libel?

  • chascates

    But once President Perry takes over they'll be eating armadillo nachos and Shiner beer milkshakes.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Not LSD & Pot?

    • El Pinche

      Possum Quiche is quite popular in front of the camp fire at Niggerhead.

  • HedonismBot

    Here I am, sipping my black coffee (with just a tiny splash of soy milk) and wondering how that dude managed to lose so much weight simply by cutting coffee from his diet.
    "…three 20-ounce cups (per day) topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup."
    No, all that sugar could not have had anything to do with it. Let's blame the coffee. That's like smothering one's vegetables in ranch dressing, and blaming the weight gain on the carrot sticks.
    Michellemabelle needs a workout program to strengthen her employees' common sense.

    • HistoriCat

      You try working for Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, and Bush II and then see how much sense you have left. Poor guy is probably just lucky to not be an alcoholic.

      • HedonismBot

        Alcoholics sometimes gain a lot of weight also, especially if they drink a lot of beer. And they probably have more fun than people who are addicted to caffeine exclusively.
        In a perverted way, I'm lucky my digestive system is a mess (due to health issues – Crohn's Disease.) It prevents me from overindulging the way a lot of other people do. I'm skinny, though, and it pisses me off when I go to the store, and everything is Lite or low-cal.

    • sati_demise

      Do you know what a Tablespoon looks like? Well, just one Tablespoon of whipped cream has 100 calories. I imagine to cover a cup of coffee with it would take about 5. To pile it up on top would be much, much more.

  • OccupytheDashboard
  • proudgrampa

    You can take my KFC Double Down Sandwich when you pry it from my cold, dead, grease-stained lips.

  • El Pinche

    Michelle will have to pry my huevos rancheros out of my cold dead hands.

    However, there are other ways to lose a few pounds, Ms. Ohh Ohh Ohhh Oohhh.

  • Joshua Norton

    It's a scientific fact that drinking a Diet Coke with your 12 Big Macs removes all the calories. Just ask any lard ass.

    • proudgrampa

      I have always controlled my weight that way.

      "Double cheeseburger, large fries. Oh, and a Diet Coke."

  • smitallica

    The Republican position on this is consistent. They love Nancy Reagan because her "Just Say No" led to people avoiding drugs, which therefore made them gain a shit-ton of weight. Michelle's Nazi vegetable proposal flies in the face of that. They're not anti-Michelle.
    They're pro-fatfuckingslobitude.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Drugs are bad…except prescription drugs you obtain illegally.

  • meatlofer

    Looks like Michelle has a frequent flyers card to the Golden Corral.

  • fuflans

    this weekend, i found a fantastic brussels sprouts recipe and turned mr fuflans into a true believer.

    we did this for michelle.

    • TitsOccupado

      Even brussels sprouts are edible given enough melted cheese and bacon.

  • ttommyunger

    I for one welcome our hot, big-titted Nubian Dietary Overlord (Sorry, Barry).

  • El Pinche

    Don't fuck with Michelle. She'll turn yo ass into a tomato: http://gawker.com/5857102/what-the-hell-is-michel

  • DahBoner

    This reminds me of something….

    Did you know Oregon is the only state with a beaver on the back of it's flag???

  • Negropolis

    Assistant chef Adam Collick cut out hundreds of calories by eliminating a daily coffee fix – three 20-ounce cups topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

    Well, fuck, I'm glad he quit that. Honestly. I'd probably get a stomach ache from just a half of one of those.