FLOTUS FILES  8:44 am November 7, 2011

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can!

While our FLOTUS has been working hard to convince children and Barack Obama that vegetables are in their best interest, she has also been waging some sort of dietary civil war in the actual White House.

Surrounded all day and most nights by delicious cakes, cookies, pies and more, Susie Morrison gave in to temptation too often during long hours at work in the White House pastry kitchen.

But no more.

Never a runner, the assistant pastry chef has finished her first 5K run. When the weather cooperates, she pedals her bicycle 26 miles roundtrip to work. She’s eating more vegetables, limiting coffee and drinking up to a gallon of water every day – dietary changes that Morrison says helped her drop 30 pounds from her 5-foot-5 frame in about 18 months.

One person gets most of the credit for Morrison’s lifestyle makeover: Michelle Obama.

We can probably assume that Susie Morrison rides her bicycle 26 miles to and from work because Michelle Obama took away her parking spot, for laffs.

Some of Morrison’s colleagues are also taking the message to heart – and the proof is in their waistlines.

Assistant chef Adam Collick cut out hundreds of calories by eliminating a daily coffee fix – three 20-ounce cups topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

“Once you see the changes in your body and the way you feel, it’s going to make you want to keep doing it,” said Collick, who became a de facto coach to colleagues battling the bulge. The 25-year veteran of the White House kitchen helped motivate them to stick with their programs or get back on track after they’d overdone it a little.

This is Michelle Obama’s warning to the world. Now that she has conquered the White House kitchen, we are all next! [AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 217 comments }

Fare la Volpe November 7, 2011 at 8:49 am

You know who else made all their workers lose a bunch of weight?

GlowneyHouse November 7, 2011 at 8:53 am

George Donner?

BaldarTFlagass November 7, 2011 at 8:54 am

Karen Carpenter?

hollywooddood November 7, 2011 at 9:05 am

China?

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

Hitler?

angryhaiku November 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Hermann Goering destroyed enemies of the Reich by sitting on them.

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2011 at 9:33 am

Richard Simmons?

Chillwaver November 7, 2011 at 9:34 am

Herman Cain?

anniegetyerfun November 7, 2011 at 9:34 am

Kirstie Alley?

SorosBot November 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

The Pharaoh Khufu?

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

Moammar Gadhafi?

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:13 am

NASA?

(but they gained it all back when they landed)

chicken_thief November 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

Ralph Lauren?

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:45 am
SayItWithWookies November 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

Robespierre?

GlowneyHouse November 7, 2011 at 11:48 am

Kim Jong-Il?

HipHop0Potamus November 7, 2011 at 11:55 am

Mugatu?

V572625694 November 7, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Pol Pot?

YouBetcha November 7, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Jesus?

TitsOccupado November 7, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Josef Mengele?

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:19 am

Anna Wintour?

BaldarTFlagass November 7, 2011 at 8:51 am

I fucking hate cauliflower.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:20 am

Try smothering it in cheese sauce.

karen November 7, 2011 at 9:27 am

Most vegetables are indeed better smothered in cheese sauce. Spicy cheese sauce.

But then you get the spicy cauliflower shits. Ugh.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 9:28 am

I adore Cauliflower au Gratin, actually I think I could even handle Sarah Palin au Gratin.

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 9:32 am

I have to admit I've considered Sarah Palin covered in vegetable oil, but never au Gratin.

LowProfileinGA November 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

Tastes like salmon, I figger.

JustPixelz November 7, 2011 at 9:34 am

I smother my hate in snark. I could try cheese sauce but then I'd have to eat my fries au naturel.

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

Is it the flavor or texture, Baldar? Practically flavorless, I find, but goes with curry sauce nicely. Somewhere I have a recipe for frying it w/ crumbled bacon, but that could outmaneuver any of its nutritional benefit, and it is *packed* w/ vitamins C & potassium.

My favorite is steaming it then batter w/ egg & breadcrumbs, sautee w/ garlic oil. If you have sesame oil, even better, but adding garlic never hurts.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

Mmm…bacon, batter, eggs, breadcrumbs, garlic, oil…Hard to think of any foods or substances that wouldn't be edible after being subjected to that treatment. You should open a restaurant and start franchising.

ProudLibunatic November 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

Mmmmm…bacon, chocolate of the meat world!

DaRooster November 7, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I make mashed cauliflower…

Tundra Grifter November 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

Both cauliflower and broccoli (along with being tricky to spell) taste better raw. Carrots, too. I think the mistake most people make is to cook 'em.

Of course, ranch dip probably isn't lo-cal. But you don't have to over do it.

DaRooster November 7, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I make ranch with no fat yogurt… greek works best. A few herbs (dill, garlic, pepper, chives, parsley). If the yogurt is too much split it with lo-fat mayo… better than most ranches.

starfanglednut November 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Oh, and Tzatziki (Sp?) is to die for.

OccupytheDashboard November 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

I love fucking cauliflower. What?

BerkeleyBear November 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

I'm guessing that goes back to childhood and oversteamed, nasty hunks of it. I know it does for me and stuff like cabbage and broccoli (although I've come to appreciate a nice broccoli prep, such as cutting the heart like a steak and pan frying with a little salt, it is never my first choice).

Have you tried it mashed, perchance with a little grated cheddar or butter, salt and pepper? Much better than steamed chunks.

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:20 am

I fucking love cauliflower…if it is included with equal parts brocoli. You eat the former, first, and then leave the best of the two for last.

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 8:51 am

Cook those turkey burgers at 451 degrees to ensure doneness.

GuanoFaucet November 7, 2011 at 8:51 am

First they came for the assistant pastry chefs, and I did not speak out.

vulpes82 November 7, 2011 at 8:52 am

History's greatest monster.

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:22 am

Fuhrer Libel!

GorzoTheMighty November 7, 2011 at 8:52 am

Look out Governor Krispy Cream of N.J.! Your time has come. The Rotund One is in the FLOTUS sights.

donner_froh November 7, 2011 at 9:17 am

He is a target no one could miss.

JustPixelz November 7, 2011 at 9:35 am

What about Newt? He can't see his own penis without a mirror.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 9:50 am

I'm fine, really, if we just keep it that way.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

Newt Gingrich has a penis? Who knew!

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 9:56 am

Wives 1-3 and an unknown number of others sufficiently large to warrant a $0.5M account @Tiffany's.

Native_of_SL_UT November 7, 2011 at 11:02 am

Actually if he had a sufficient penis, he wouldn't need the Tiffany account.

Tundra Grifter November 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

Actually, that's the nickname Off-the-Mark Levin (AFLAC! AFLAC!) gave him – Christie Kreme.

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:16 am

The Rotund One is in the FLOTUS sights

Kinda hard to miss him, since half the Eastern Seaboard is trapped in his gravitational well…

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

Zing!

Chichikovovich November 7, 2011 at 8:52 am

First they came for Assistant chef Adam Collick's three 20-ounce cups of coffee topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup, and I said nothing, because let's face it – that's ridiculous.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

What? That's breakfast!

Tundra Grifter November 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

If you drink that dessert for breakfast, how do you still have room for the morning tall boy?

not that Dewey November 7, 2011 at 10:30 am

Why do these morons continually conflate coffee with whatever the hell they were drinking? How does eliminating a stimulant and appetite-suppressant from one's diet cause weight-loss? If I hear fucking Natalie Morales or Matt Lauer tell me ONE MORE TIME that I should eliminate that thrice-daily $6 "coffee" in order to save money and lose weight, someone is going to wake up with a peacock shoved up his or her ass. Coffee is calorie-less and costs $0.04 per serving. GAH!

GhostBuggy November 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

I would wager that in these inane health stories, they include the high-fat, half coffee/half sugary creamed dessert concoctions under the term "coffee." Which is annoying, because you're right: Coffee is delicious and not bad for you (in terms of your weight) and shouldn't be so maligned.

SayItWithWookies November 7, 2011 at 11:27 am

It's horrific what they've done to coffee over the last decade or so — foam, flavorings, syrup, sweet creamy repugnance — mostly because Americans can no longer consume anything that doesn't taste like Gummi Bears. For more, please see my rap album, Fear of a Black Coffee.

Mumbly_Occupado November 7, 2011 at 11:45 am

Pretty much. I think it's safe to say that if you have to turn coffee into a candy milkshake in order to enjoy it, you don't actually "like coffee".

I mean, I definitely have been known to take my coffee with too much sugar and a drop or two of milk, on occasion, but I can still enjoy an unsweetened Turkish coffee or espresso when the mood strikes me, without diluting it in a gallon of milk and a dollop of corn syrup.

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Agreed, Mumbly. People who put all that crap in their coffee don't really like coffee.

I have the occasional capuccino with too much sugar, but my coffee drink of choice is a 32 oz French roast with two shots of espresso. We call that a "Black Eye."

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 11:44 am

Plus, coffee keeps me, um, "regular." I count that as weight loss right there.

Mahousu November 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

If Adam Collick is a "25-year veteran," he joined the White House kitchen staff during the Reagan administration. Perhaps that explains why he had confused a sundae with a cup of coffee.

smitallica November 7, 2011 at 11:04 am

Makes perfect sense. After all, Reagan confused ketchup with a vegetable. And jelly beans with…well, governing.

HistoriCat November 7, 2011 at 11:25 am

There you go again …

weejee November 7, 2011 at 8:54 am

But She2ey didn't take the donuts from the police so they can be strong. #OWS weeps.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

In honor of Bachmann, shouldn't we start calling her Michel²e?

Chet Kincaid November 7, 2011 at 9:58 am

No.

weejee November 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

You were pretty quick on the draw there. Obvs you haven't been hitting the donuts too hard.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:50 am

Al² righty, then.

TitsOccupado November 7, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Honor, Bachmann, does not compute.

DerrickWildcat November 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

If Ladies could run for President, I would vote for her. She seems really nice.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:22 am

I'd like to have a beer with her. And some big bready pretzels with warm mustard-cheese dip.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 9:29 am

Who are you? You, with all your talk of cheese, you, I could love.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:38 am

Never met a problem yet that a good ol' heapin' helpin' of smooth warm melty cheese couldn't fix.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

Yeah, I always suspected Wisconsonants were secretly kinky.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

Yknow what lady? The country is a fucking mess and your husband is more words than action when it comes to fixing the crippling joblessness and neorobberbaronism. I realize there are degrees to everything, and I should want to applaud your work, but I don't . i'd prefer you spend your First Lady Cred on something else other than coming off like a scold. Recycling? Gasoline efficiency? Community service with the aged? I dunno. Anything but having Mrs Beanpole lecture us all about not getting enough exercise.

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 9:05 am

On the other hand, it seems to be doing some good, unlike most everything else the government gets involved in these days. At least people aren't getting their legs blown off bring democracy to the middle east.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

You must've seen those kids on "60 Minutes" last night. Heartbreaking. Someday they'll contribute great snark, so there's a bright side.

GhostBuggy November 7, 2011 at 10:51 am

That "60 Minutes" piece was something else. Scotty P. even started to tear up during an interview, and I kind of wanted to as well.

But, you know, defending our freedumbs and all that! Keep 'em over there for all time!

nonbeliever7 November 7, 2011 at 10:07 am

Getting your legs blown off counts as weight loss for republicans. Like catsup is a veggie.

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

Yeah, but if you get your legs blown off in Vietnam, it doesn't count as patriotism. Ask Max Cleland.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:44 am

Or ask John Kerry if being in actual combat in Vietnam makes you a more credible military leader than being AWOL from the National Guard in Alabama.

hollywooddood November 7, 2011 at 9:09 am

Regardless, you still have every right to be an obese, diabetic, artery-clogged, McRib eating, hypertensive, Wonkette-reading couch potato. No worries.

This is America, after all.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:43 am

Actually I'm a vegetable loving short stocky Gimli shaped (but beardless) lactose intolerant Ulcerative Colitis having Wonkette potato. I just think she sounds like a smug fuck. I think the best way to make people want to put down the comfort food and live longer is to make life worth living longer for.

As long as all Americans have to look forward to is more servitude to corporate whores in an environmentally wasted plutocracy, they will not care about dying young from coronary artery disease.

OccupytheDashboard November 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

I'll take "eat your vegetables" over "just say no" any day. Just how powerful do you think the FLOTUS is?

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

I was going to go work out this afternoon, but since capitalist oligarchs are still running amok, I guess I'll just have another box of HoHos

not that Dewey November 7, 2011 at 10:36 am

And besides, Michelle Obama is smug, so we should all go stuff cheese fries directly into our arteries.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:38 am

get a sugar high then wreck stuff!

OccupytheDashboard November 7, 2011 at 10:48 am

"lactose intolerant Ulcerative Colitis"
https://www-304.ibm.com/connections/blogs/predict

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 5:40 pm

My point was that I watch my diet already due to illness and don't suck down creamhorns in fried cheese. Why is that guy sitting on a xerox machine?

sati_demise November 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

ah, but corporate whores ™ are the ones who took over and fuckin' ruined our food in the first place. They brainwashed Americans into belief that 'food like' substances are 'comfort food' and YOU FELL FOR IT.

good god, if you want to have your health (and thus make life worth living longer) you have to drop out of the corporate food system in America. Because this is the system:

Big Ag makes us sick so Big Pharma can sell us drugs.

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 9:09 am

It continues to surprise me that people blame Obama for the mess we're in – it's not as if he created it. An utter lack of foresight and any control whatsoever over the financial industry (and other industries) is what caused most of this mess – you can go all the way back to the Carter administration to lay blame. Obama's moronic predecessor oversaw an enormous accumulation of debt, based in large part on two glorious wars. But it's Obama's fault, right?

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

Never said he caused it. But his DLC ProBusiness Triangulating and kowtowing to GOP and Wall Street haven't fixed it. Thanks, though, for the straw, man!

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 9:56 am

Fair enough – I have a bit of buyer's remorse about him – he's in a nearly impossible spot, but clearly could've stood up and spoken the truth many times, and didn't. This pipeline thing is going to be interesting – I'm sure the repubelickins are drooling over the prospect, either way.

sati_demise November 7, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Obama is going to put off the XL decision until after the election.

kowtow.

SorosBot November 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

Fuck that shit. The Republicans control Congress, and the Blue Dogs don't help. I am so sick of this "it's all Obama's fault that I don't have a pony" bullshit.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:46 am

Obama not having the balls to not flinch and capitulate instead of staring them down =/= I haz no pony whaa.

Chet Kincaid November 7, 2011 at 9:49 am

no balls = teleprompter

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:54 am

You are correct, teleprompters are machines not male mammals, and therefore have no testicles. That is what you meant right?

SorosBot November 7, 2011 at 9:52 am

Because staring the Republicans down will somehow magically make them vote for his proposed legislation instead of reflexively blocking everything as they've been doing. Bullshit. The President can't wave a magic wand and make Congress do what he wants, and this Congress will not, will never, cooperate with him. Put the blame where it belongs.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

Not being a willow in the wind to the Republican breeze would help rally his party membership behind him to vote leftist. Bully pulpit, hang together, etc. They will never vote for his legislation in droves, but enough courage in the face of the GOP snarling would mean the difference between his constantly appeasing them and beating them at brinkmanship. Gutlessness is no virtue.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

If the fuckers are willing to filibuster a motion to bring a bill to to a vote (not the bill itself, but the bringing of the bill to a vote), there's nothing short of the next election that can have the slightest effect on them. I just pray that the Dems hammer them mercilessly over their pigheaded uselessness.

hollywooddood November 7, 2011 at 9:56 am

Obama likes gourmet mustard on his hamburgers, don't forget.

CZL November 7, 2011 at 9:50 am

If the left abandons Obama, what support would he have to try to shape progressive policy? If the left wants a leftier president, they need to let the guy know they'll support him, not turn into a bunch of whinging crybabies when they don't get their pony.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:08 am

Sorry you were asleep for a year or two, but the left supported Obama vehemently from day one, and not long after taking the oath of office he gave up even TALKING about shaping progressive policy. His handlers even admitted it.

CZL November 7, 2011 at 10:22 am

That's… a perspective on the situation.

I knew he was fairly centrist. That much was obvious from listening to the guy. He had some progressive notions and is very, very smart.

Did you honestly believe Fox News when they called him a socialist or a leftist? I didn't. The guy is a middle of the road Keynesian type, an American liberal. He wanted some progressive changes early on that he wasn't able to get (like a public option for health care) because WE let the Tea Party and Fox create the soundbites on it. And now that OWS is finally mobilizing the left we are winning the messaging battle for public opinion, I bet Obama swings back to the left a little.

What I'm saying is that if this is a representative democracy, and you elected a consensus building centrist in the hopes that he could undo eight years of frat boy idiocy, we have to share the burdens of success (we got our guy elected!) and failure (policy isn't progressive enough!). Liberals haven't wanted to own the second one, at least not until OWS.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

I think there is room for you at Firedoglake.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:47 am

But no room for difference of opinion here?

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 9:48 am

Plenty of room for difference of opinion, just a low tolerance for humourless, hate-filled rants.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

Wow, you're thin skinned. Disagreeing with the FLOTUS, while admitting that I *should* respect what she is doing, is hateful? Your feelings must get hurt very easily.

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 10:01 am

I don't think that was hate-filled at all. I'm a card-carrying pinko, but also think that a lot of liberals have a huge blind spot when it comes to stuff like this. IMO Obama has done a really good job given the circumstances, but I continue to wonder why he isn't pushing harder to get some banking and business reforms. The congress is most of the problem at this point, but it doesn't mean he should just capitulate every chance he gets, and turn everything over to Wall Street guys to fix. Unfortunately, the congressional asylum is run by the inmates now, and you have to deal with that reality, and not assume that everyone's going to act like rational adults.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

Thank for for reiterating our raison d'être.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:32 am

There there. Sounds like someone needs a nice big box of Krispy Kremes® and three 20-ounce cups of coffee with extra caffeine topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

LowProfileinGA November 7, 2011 at 9:39 am

No cheese??

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:58 am

Cheese-smothered Krispy Kremes® … ummmm …. ohhh …

HistoriCat November 7, 2011 at 11:32 am

Wrap some bacon around that and you have a best seller!

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 9:40 am

Damn, now I'm going to be late to work! But buy local, not Krispy Kreme. (I can be a scold, too.)

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

Krispy Kreme® IS local, for me. They originated down here in the Southeast. I used to sell them door-to-door to raise funds for our junior-high school band.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 9:48 am

Thanks, but dyou have any nice Earl Grey instead?

MozakiBlocks November 7, 2011 at 9:43 am

Would you like a cookie?

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I wouldn't say no to a cookie.

ProudLibunatic November 7, 2011 at 10:18 am

Look at this as a Healthcare Initiative that will save billions of dollars (in the future) that will be needlessly spent on things like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.

not that Dewey November 7, 2011 at 10:50 am

Why do you hate America? Diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart disease are the new "baseball, apple pie, and chevrolet".

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

I see virtues in all of the alternative causes you mentioned, Mr. Gogo, and let me point out why the diet-centered campaign is *not* an 'easy' virtue, unlike those. They are not wrapped up in folks' psyches, nor decades of habit, reinforced with advertising. Even waging war on a debilitating neuro-calcifying disease is an easy virtuous cause compared with challenging people to consider a way toward longevity and just feeling better, yet requires rethinking some personal daily choices. Health campaigning doesn't require an elaborate support structure like recycling (though outside support helps); the biggest obstacle is self-motivation. If she can provide some of it extrinsically — & she did get attention from the start for her physique, which rather than laugh it off she opts to share "how it gets done" — I feel it could have an impact on younger ages where the obesity has begun to manifest itself more frequently. The fact many adults take affront at her vocal dedication to it, well I admire in her willingness to handle the risk of taking heat from naysayers who could just ignore her if they don't want to be lectured. It shows me she's got balls.

BerkeleyBear November 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Hey, rantboy, you are a little behind the times if you think all Mrs. Obama does is take away fries and try to get kids moving (and if she's a bean pole Scarlett Johanson is anorexic). She has worked tirelessly on veteran's issues, including family supports, wounded warrior initiatives and the concerns of female vets. Given that we have hundreds of thousands of vets coming home and still have over 150k in Afghanistan that's a pretty important issue. She's chosen a less high profile role than Hilary Clinton had on healthcare (which worked out so well, after all), but a hell of a lot more vital than either of the Bush First Ladies (childhood literacy) or Nancy Reagan (Just Say No).

Oh, as to your alternative issues – Michelle has pushed recycling, composting, and organic food production, implementing the same in the WH gardens she had planted, among other things. Her hubby, who you seem to hate so much, just announced increased gas efficiency standards. And among other things in the stimulus bill was increased funding for community service programs like Vista and Americorps, including an emphasis on not only helping the elderly but getting active seniors to volunteer their expertise and time.

As to Obama's actual achievements, I'd be happy to go hammer and tongs with you over how he's accomplished more by "caving" than Clinton, Carter or JFK, and arguably is in the same league as LBJ and FDR as one of the most effective presidents of the last 100 years, but you'd never get it. But before you step to bash Mrs. Obama, at least have a clue what you are talking about.

fuflans November 7, 2011 at 12:37 pm

i am a girl and i think it is very sad that scarlett johansson lost all her curves.

fuflans November 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm

i don't know. i think this is a PERFECT way to spend first lady cred. it's not really about making you exercise – or making skinny bitches skinnier. it's about educating a nation that is hopelessly obese and shaming america's best friends, our corporations, into helping with things like food deserts.

also, fuck the olds*. they get too much attention as it is.

* well, except ttommy whom we love.

imissopus November 7, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Uh-oh! Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Funny you should mention gasoline efficiency in a story profiling someone who has started biking to work, presumably in lieu of driving or taking a bus.

Seriously, that's the dumbest reaction to a story about FLOTUS influencing people to live a healthier lifestyle that I've read outside a Breitbart site. And criticizing Michelle Obama for coming off like a scold in the middle of a rant scolding her? Oh, the irony is priceless!

In short, take the high-minded whining and go fuck yourself.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Thank you. I picked up Bloom County vols. 4 and 5 this weekend and thought of you.

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:32 am

Really, who the fuck do you think you are? I love this "she doesn't do everything exactly the way I want her to" bullshit. Honestly, why don't you fucking go peddle recycling or efficiency or help the old? I'm sorry you don't think her cause is up to her office. That's your problem.

I don't mind differences in opinion, but these petty, personal, bullshit attacks have got to stop. Her cause is not your cup of tea? Too fucking bad, you bitter, smug-assed cad.

deanbooth November 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

If you can't stand the weight, get out of the kitchen.

valgal2342 November 7, 2011 at 8:59 am

Sign me up, I ate too much Halloween candy.

freakishlywrong November 7, 2011 at 9:01 am

The hateful wingers could use a dose of this health advice. Thank Jebus they're too busy hurling insults and calling her fat and elitist to take it. Die sooner, assholes.

simplyblue7 November 7, 2011 at 9:05 am

Is it ironic to agree with the first lady while eating a doughnut???

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

What do you weigh?

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:59 am

Is it smothered in cheese?

freakishlywrong November 7, 2011 at 10:01 am

It is. It's like a fly in your chardonnay or a free ride, when you've already paid.

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:25 am

Or Joe Walsh getting a "pro-family legislator of the year" award.

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:36 am

Yes, so long as you realize that donuts are a sometimes-food.

north_of_moscow November 7, 2011 at 9:06 am

They may take away my muffin top, but they'll never take away my freedom.

LowProfileinGA November 7, 2011 at 9:40 am

"…freedom fries."

Come here a minute November 7, 2011 at 9:08 am

The right arm of a one hundred fifty pound woman weighs approximately thirty pounds.

Michelle Obama cut off her pastry chef's arm because she was stealing treats from the kitchen. CREEPING SHARIA!

Chillwaver November 7, 2011 at 9:14 am

"Bye, fat tits!"

– Michelle to Kitchen Staff

NorthStarSpanx November 7, 2011 at 9:14 am

How do I get a job in Michelle's kitchen?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 10:26 am

Most people I know pay a ton of money to lose 30 lbs. To do it while working in a freaking kitchen and chilling with FLOTUS is pretty cool… where do I sign up?

TitsOccupado November 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I think I'd rather work in her garden, know what I'm sayin'?

DahBoner November 7, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Don't let The Big O catch your plow in that row…

Andrew Drinker November 7, 2011 at 9:17 am

So, since Paul Ryan runs P90X classes to get other House Republicans to lose weight, does that mean he's a secret communist Obama Kenyan muslin plant?????

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 9:36 am

He certainly has the intelligence and compassion of a plant.

Crowe2011 November 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

If they're in the house then they're already on a public healthcare programme; it's too late for them. Paul Ryan is trying to save everyone else from becoming the kind of godless communist who engages in death-panel ordered exercise.

An_Outhouse November 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

If they paid a living wage then their wage slaves could afford gas for their used cars and wouldn't have to ride bikes like they're Chinese peasants.

SorosBot November 7, 2011 at 9:32 am

Republicans, there is only one thing to do to prove you do not submit to Michelle's health proposals: eat nothing but fat and sugar every meal, and eat as much of it as possible to balloon yourself up above 300 or even 400 pounds. That'll show her!

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

On the good news side of things on a dreary Monday morning (no snark here), I guees this woman has found Michelle's religion.

SorosBot November 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

"Most people see me as a woman who became famous for wanting to gain weight while the rest of the world was trying to slim down. This was true as I was in a relationship that was based on a fetish that exists only in a fantasy"

Eeeeew. Least healthy & grossest fetish (well that doesn't involve direct bodily harm) ever.

KathrynSane November 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

And then die very very soon. Please.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

That's weight change I can believe in.

not that Dewey November 7, 2011 at 11:26 pm

We are the ones we have been weighing for.

JustPixelz November 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

Seems like a few weeks ago, Glenn Beckkk was comparing to MO to Marie Antoinette. But all along she's been "DON'T let them eat cake." So go fuck yourselt GB, you pasty, gelatinous blob of pig fat.
http://videos.nymag.com/video/Glenn-Beck-Calls-Mi… Beck Calls Michelle Obama, 'Marie Antoinette'

Joshua Norton November 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

Soshalizm! Next thing you know, Big Gubinmint will force you to stir ground flaxseed into your lime Jello and give your new flat screen TV to hobos.

DahBoner November 7, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Mmmmm….flaxseed in jello!

//writes down idea

DerrickWildcat November 7, 2011 at 10:00 am

This is a good thing for her to do. Because it's really important to move every now and then. Like if you are playing video games for a long time, or, well I can't think of any other things that may cause you to not move for awhile, but there's probably a few more, your blood will stop running into your legs and then they could fall off or worse. So everybody should move a couple of times a day if you ever want to walk again.

Dok-cupy Everything November 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

I don't recall whether I've said this before, but I really enjoy your "well-meaning goofus" persona. Also your bird pictures. Birds are pretty.

DerrickWildcat November 7, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Thank you, you are a very nice person. Birds are really sneaky too!

Pragmatist2 November 7, 2011 at 10:10 am

Whoa!!! The BIG question here is win did Wonkette get people who were sober enough to post at 8:44 AM?

Chichikovovich November 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

If you drink three 20-ounce cups of coffee topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup you can stay up pretty late.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 10:37 am

It's the time change. We got an extra hour.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

They're up late.

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

Who says you have to be sober?

Pragmatist2 November 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

Excellent point.

flamingpdog November 7, 2011 at 12:56 pm

It helps if you're not.

James Michael Curley November 7, 2011 at 10:11 am

When I cut back on the coffee I eliminated Collick also.

ProudLibunatic November 7, 2011 at 10:11 am

I don't trust skinny chefs.

DahBoner November 7, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Yeah, but would you rather trust a young, fat chef or an old, skinny chef?

Ancient_Hacker November 7, 2011 at 10:19 am

is this a case of Fat Libel?

chascates November 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

But once President Perry takes over they'll be eating armadillo nachos and Shiner beer milkshakes.

weejee November 7, 2011 at 10:39 am

Not LSD & Pot?

El Pinche November 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Possum Quiche is quite popular in front of the camp fire at Niggerhead.

HedonismBot November 7, 2011 at 10:35 am

Here I am, sipping my black coffee (with just a tiny splash of soy milk) and wondering how that dude managed to lose so much weight simply by cutting coffee from his diet.
"…three 20-ounce cups (per day) topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup."
No, all that sugar could not have had anything to do with it. Let's blame the coffee. That's like smothering one's vegetables in ranch dressing, and blaming the weight gain on the carrot sticks.
Michellemabelle needs a workout program to strengthen her employees' common sense.

HistoriCat November 7, 2011 at 11:37 am

You try working for Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, and Bush II and then see how much sense you have left. Poor guy is probably just lucky to not be an alcoholic.

HedonismBot November 7, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Alcoholics sometimes gain a lot of weight also, especially if they drink a lot of beer. And they probably have more fun than people who are addicted to caffeine exclusively.
In a perverted way, I'm lucky my digestive system is a mess (due to health issues – Crohn's Disease.) It prevents me from overindulging the way a lot of other people do. I'm skinny, though, and it pisses me off when I go to the store, and everything is Lite or low-cal.

sati_demise November 7, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Do you know what a Tablespoon looks like? Well, just one Tablespoon of whipped cream has 100 calories. I imagine to cover a cup of coffee with it would take about 5. To pile it up on top would be much, much more.

OccupytheDashboard November 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

OT, but still a laugh riot:
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/virginia-repub

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 10:46 am

You can take my KFC Double Down Sandwich when you pry it from my cold, dead, grease-stained lips.

El Pinche November 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

Michelle will have to pry my huevos rancheros out of my cold dead hands.

However, there are other ways to lose a few pounds, Ms. Ohh Ohh Ohhh Oohhh.

Joshua Norton November 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

It's a scientific fact that drinking a Diet Coke with your 12 Big Macs removes all the calories. Just ask any lard ass.

proudgrampa November 7, 2011 at 11:03 am

I have always controlled my weight that way.

"Double cheeseburger, large fries. Oh, and a Diet Coke."

smitallica November 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

The Republican position on this is consistent. They love Nancy Reagan because her "Just Say No" led to people avoiding drugs, which therefore made them gain a shit-ton of weight. Michelle's Nazi vegetable proposal flies in the face of that. They're not anti-Michelle.
They're pro-fatfuckingslobitude.

BarackMyWorld November 7, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Drugs are bad…except prescription drugs you obtain illegally.

meatlofer November 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

Looks like Michelle has a frequent flyers card to the Golden Corral.

fuflans November 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

this weekend, i found a fantastic brussels sprouts recipe and turned mr fuflans into a true believer.

we did this for michelle.

TitsOccupado November 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Even brussels sprouts are edible given enough melted cheese and bacon.

ttommyunger November 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I for one welcome our hot, big-titted Nubian Dietary Overlord (Sorry, Barry).

El Pinche November 7, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Don't fuck with Michelle. She'll turn yo ass into a tomato: http://gawker.com/5857102/what-the-hell-is-michel

DahBoner November 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

This reminds me of something….

Did you know Oregon is the only state with a beaver on the back of it's flag???

Negropolis November 8, 2011 at 1:18 am

Assistant chef Adam Collick cut out hundreds of calories by eliminating a daily coffee fix – three 20-ounce cups topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

Well, fuck, I'm glad he quit that. Honestly. I'd probably get a stomach ache from just a half of one of those.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

I resent that. I'll have you know I'm not a Midwesterner, Bubba! I reside in the glorious border state of Tennessee, so there.

Chet Kincaid November 7, 2011 at 10:02 am

Pick a Republican or Blue Dog Congressman and devote some effort toward taking him/her out of Congress. You may find this to be a more effective solution for your concerns than dropping into Wonkette every 3 or 4 months to vent your hatred of the Obamas.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 10:09 am

I just can't stand it when the Wonkette ceases to be the Wonkette and becomes Daily Kos or Firedoglake, there is plenty of room for diverse opinion here, I believe, but when those opinions become strident then Wonkette just becomes another serious and earnest place to go.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 10:15 am

Not a case of being thin-skinned, at all, just not sure that Blair's regular love-fest, albeit snark-filled, column is the place to rant about FLOTUS.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

I already do, thank you. Also, I'm here daily. You, and I, have the luxury of coming here to voice our opinions. And do please learn that disagreeing with someone's politics is not hate. I may think he's a letdown and a cringingly insecure man who does things in the vain hope he will get the love of those who *do* hate him (the GOP), but I do not hate him.

Unless this site is yours personally, you come off like a sick bully ordering people away. It's sad. I read your stuff and most of the time I respect what you say, but you do come off like a bully when anyone crosses your Maginot line of Liberal Purity.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:39 am

I'm here daily, I *do* work against Blue Dogs, and disagreeing is not hate.

James Michael Curley November 7, 2011 at 10:23 am

Just finishing a campaign where the Republicans are blaming Democrats for ripping down the bunting in their headquarters and hoping everyone forgets we had record breaking wind, rain and snow that night.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

Yes! It would be fun to have conservative commenter who was funny and didn’t mind being called a conservatard.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:41 am

I never watched Fox once in my life. I believed Obama when me made progressive campaign prmises and slogans that turned out to be empty.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

Beer, pretzels, and cheese? Do they let you do that in public, in Tennessee?

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 10:43 am

Well send me a copy of the rules as to where I'm allowed to comment on things, I'll get right to reading it. No need to include your definiton of "hateful", broad as it is, I have that already.

ProudLibunatic November 7, 2011 at 10:48 am

Sounds more like a Paultard or Naderite to me.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 10:53 am

There was one who was fun, what happened to him/her? I think the demise of the “thumbs down” is the problem.

AddHomonym November 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

Eh, forget it.

kingofmeh November 7, 2011 at 2:34 pm

aren't slogans by definition "empty"? people have slogans to get elected. if you just voted for him because you heard the word "hope" and "change" and ascribed to those terms whatever you wanted to hear, then you voted for him for the wrong reason.

if you want to blast obama for the things he actually promised to do and then didn't (e.g., close guantanamo), then that's fair. but that's actually a fairly short list, since his platform was never terribly specific.

Limeylizzie November 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

I never said 'hateful” actually, what I said was “hate-filled”.

SayItWithWookies November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

The stuff that's farm-raised but advertised as fresh caught.

MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 11:26 am

It was wrong either way.

Occupy V572 November 7, 2011 at 11:33 am

That’s one (very likely) hypothesis. Another is that said penis, of whatever length or girth, was deployed to inappropriate locations, and that emoluments from Tiffany were required to at least partially ameliorate the harm done when the appropriate repository learned of the event(s).I’m trying to elevate the language a bit to minimize the ew-factor.

MzNicky November 7, 2011 at 11:38 am

Sure, as long as you're carryin' your gun with ya. Although I might have trouble gettin' Mrs. Obammy into the "whites-only" section.

not that Dewey November 7, 2011 at 1:25 pm
MonsterAGoGo November 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Unfortunately, it was not specific most often, true. But I do in fact mean specifics he failed on, like Gitmo, like repealing tax cuts for the rich, like EFCA, etc.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: