WEIRDER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED  10:20 pm November 4, 2011

Jesse Ventura Announces He Will Turn Into A Mexican

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

We apologize in advance to Mexico.America’s second-most favorite whackadoodle ex-governor Jesse Ventura (whose crazy gave Minnesota such a hangover it then elected Tim Pawlenty) managed to gather enough bored reporters together to formally announce that he tragically lost his important lawsuit trying to get the government to quit letting TSA agents touch his nuts all the time. In revenge, he will now become a Mexican, in order to stick it to the fascist tyranny of Minnesota.

From the AP:

Ventura, a political independent who served one term as governor, teased that he might have to run for president to change the policy and a court system he regards as broken.

Moments later, he vowed to apply for Mexican citizenship so he can live there more months of the year.

The former Navy SEAL said he had lost his patriotism.

“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” he said.

Huh. Cool, well we look forward to seeing Jesse “El Cuerpo” Ventura in the lucha libre fights on Univision soon enough. [AP; thanks to Wonkette operative "chascates"]

 
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{ 247 comments }

Barb November 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Jesse, you do know that you need the Koch brothers approval before you make this decision, right?

Dashboard_Jesus November 6, 2011 at 12:36 am

somehow I don't think 'ol Jesse takes any orders fromthe Kock Bros., my guess is he'd give those two assholes a swift Navy Seal kick in the balls…say what you will about him- and all snark aside- but I admire his continued willingness to stand up to the fascist fucks who have run this cuntry for too long…I don't care how 'nutty' some may think he is, the man is willing to go on Fux Noise and call them out for being the propagandists they are, and I'm quite sure all the phony douchebags at Fux & Fiends are scared to death he'll LITERALLY rip their hearts out on air someday (Steve Douchy has probably BEGGED them to NOT invite Jesse back on in fear he'll wet his pants on air)

Pithaughn November 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Sorry Mexico, don't hold this against me, I still look forward to more Baja vacations.

mrpuma2u November 5, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I am kinda with Jesse on this one. Wait, mebbe we could get the messicans to sell Baja Cali to those socialist weenies the Canadians. Then we bitter snarky godless agnostic/heathen types can all emigrate to Canada's newest province (the flag can be a maple leaf with a jalapeno superimposed on it). Then we shall see if the dumbass jeebus types can still run the country after the brain drain south.

Pithaughn November 5, 2011 at 8:32 pm

I'm way out there in lefty land but this statement "“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” ? Because of the TSA pat down search? Are you and Jesse okay with undeclared war activities all over the world? Sheesh. Turn your back on your country, but at least have the decency to be upset about something that really matters.
Despite all our flaws and irrational desire to maim and kill others, I say dance with the one that brung ya.

LetUsBray November 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Wait, he's running for president of Mexico because T&A agents touched his bits?

BlueStateLibel November 4, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Ouch, us ladiez, when we are thinking about sexy time aren't thinking about bald old wrestler or Herman Cain. Fail.

Jukesgrrl November 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I'm thinking about my pretend boyfriend Sherrod Brown. Don't anyone tell Connie. How 'bout you?

BarackMyWorld November 4, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Needz moar T and A, less S.

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I was just thinking how fun it might be to sign up as a T&A agent.

Blendergoathead November 4, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Instead of TSA agents touching his balls, he'll have some cartel thugs chop them off and make him eat them before dumping him in a ditch. Win-win!

Terry November 4, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Naw, they shouldn't hurt him. Just scare him and make him cry like baby, film it, and post it on YouTube

Jukesgrrl November 4, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I was hoping he'd really do us a favor and fly back to the planet he came from. That's what I mean when I say alien.

Moonbatting Average November 4, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Based on that picture, I'd argue that he has a better chance at gaining (Big Trouble in Little) Chinese citizenship.

PuckStopsHere November 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Maybe he's willing to do the jobs Mexicans won't.

DahBoner November 5, 2011 at 11:11 am

Maybe he's willing to do the jobs Mexicans won't.

Yes, that's a mullet and a tang, bro…

flamingpdog November 4, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I never thought I would say this about another Minnesota governor, but zzzzzzzzzzzz.

neiltheblaze November 4, 2011 at 9:39 pm

It would have been a more radical statement had he done this while he was still Governor.

Lit Happens November 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

When he was governor, he refused to declare a "Day of Prayer" like all the other chief execs. Also, he refused to install metal detectors at the state capitol after 9/11.

He was nuts, but he had some endearing qualities. And he was a much better governor than Tim Pawlenty.

Infrogmation November 5, 2011 at 7:35 pm

"And he was a much better governor than Tim Pawlenty."

Which is about like noting that a sweltering August on the U.S. Gulf Coast is better than Hurricane Katrina.

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Well, you know, not to be too picky, or anything, but it IS, man.

horsedreamer_1 November 6, 2011 at 9:23 am

Still doesn't balance his contention that Columbine wouldn't have been nearly as deadly had a coupla the faculty been packing heat.

Beetagger November 4, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Now I know what the wall is for.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:21 am

ROTFLMAO!

Chillwaver November 4, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Pinche Jesus Verdura…I thought he had died at the end of The Running Man…

datateday November 4, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Mexico's not going to touch your dong? Really? Mexico will be all over your dong like there's no tomorrow. Might as well rename your dong Senor (Ding) Dong because it shall make appearances.

DahBoner November 5, 2011 at 11:12 am

Mexico will be all over your dong like there's no tomorrow.

No one hears your dong scream in Mexico….

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Does Amurka know this? I mean, every red-blooded 'Murkan man is gonna be hotfooting it across the border if they can get their dong allovered, especially if the alloverer is some cute, hot little brown chiquita!

flamingpdog November 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” he said.

Glenn Beck does ML King and now Jesse does John Carlos and Tommie Smith??? I'm not sure I can be a white person anymore.

Eat The 1% November 4, 2011 at 11:43 pm

For my whole life, I could never understand what those guys did wrong, or who they disrespected. Same with Rev. Wright, did he say something that wasn't, in essence, true? Don't scare whitey, I guess.

BerkeleyBear November 5, 2011 at 12:08 am

Almost – although Avery Brundage would never admit to being scared. More like reminded that it wasn't, in fact, his world.

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 12:34 am

You know who else navigated the foul waters of the IOC? That's right Mittens.

weejee November 5, 2011 at 10:34 am

Mittens is John Carlos in disguise? If so he got a hell of a Michael Jackson male pale treatment.

Toomush_Infer November 4, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Hey, you probably don't remember those great Mr. Bill type action-figure ads he made when running for governor of Minnesota. I visited the psuedo-mansion there once (some state arts board function)…..lousy chef (unlike the previous chef). I, for one, am happy to embrace his hispanicness.- maybe he can learn about mole sauces….

nounverb911 November 4, 2011 at 10:49 pm

See ya Jesse, don't let Herman Cain's electrified fence hit you in the ass on your way out.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 4, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Cool, well we look forward to seeing Jesse “El Cuerpo” Ventura

Jesse "El Grapefruit Chupacabra" Ventura, he corrected.
~

Joshua Norton November 4, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Oh my. Jesse is batshit crazy. Who knew?

bumfug November 4, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Anybody who accidentally tuned in to "Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura" knew for damn sure.

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 10:12 am

I saw that, one lame consipiracy per show which they spent 3 minutes before and after each commerical break repeating and then in between providing no evidence any of it was true.

Toomush_Infer November 4, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Yep, everybody….

Arken November 5, 2011 at 1:00 am

The people of the state of Minnesota.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:24 am

All of them, Katie. Every fuckin' one of them.

DahBoner November 5, 2011 at 11:14 am

Oh my. Jesse is batshit crazy

I've been getting my dental work done in Mexico for over 10 years now. One time, I had a crown break eating some popcorn seeds or something and they replaced it free. Already had my wallet out (it was only about $120 for a new one), but they told me my money was no good there and to put it back in my pocket. They said they were professionals and guaranteed their work.

DUDE! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET THAT IN AMERICA???

Chichikovovich November 4, 2011 at 10:54 pm

A happy thought – to send everyone off to a blissful weekend. The amount of attention and consideration that Jesse Ventura's words and actions get now is exactly the amount of attention and consideration that Sarah Palin's will get in five years.

Mahousu November 4, 2011 at 11:10 pm

And that Herman Cain's will get in five months.
Or Rick Perry's will get in five weeks.
Or Michele Bachmann's will get in five minutes.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:25 am

It'll be way fewer than five, let me tell you.

TitsOccupado November 5, 2011 at 10:26 am

Say what you will, at least he didn't quit.

Tundra Grifter November 4, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Anton LeVay has put on some lbs.

orygoon November 4, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Take all the other crazies with you, Gubner. Thanks!

Eat The 1% November 4, 2011 at 10:05 pm

C'mon, why you all be hatin' on Jesse? This guy is light-years closer to our worldview than anybody in the Starship GOP/Teabag. An atheist, independent, fiscally conservative, gay-rights supporter, pro-choice, anti-BushCheney. An outspoken critic of waterboarding, censorship, campaign financing, Föx, the TSA, the misuse of terrorism and 9/11 exploitation.
Holy shit, I think he would be comfortable here amongst us oddballs. And we would tolerate him as we much as we tolerate each other. We can't dislike everybody, can we?
Oh yeah, BTW, isn't Ventura a Messican name anyhow?

Chichikovovich November 4, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Testify brother. And of equal importance to all those things, it was Jesse Ventura, no one else, who brought us Captain Freedom's Workout:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LazUZz3K6IY

And, unlike Sarah P, when Jesse wears clothing in spectacularly bad taste, it is always (well, sometimes) meant ironically, as part of his act. Sarah really stands in front of the mirror and says "That looks perfect!"

Eat The 1% November 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Fuck it Chich, I still think this is hot and often think about moving to Canada.

Dashboard_Jesus November 6, 2011 at 12:39 am

that is sooo many kinds of awesome!

Pragmatist2 November 4, 2011 at 11:41 pm

No.Ventura is a highway in California.
But, as a Minnesotan I give you a numbs up on Jesse. He is crazy but he is our kind of crazy.

OccupyFnChicken November 5, 2011 at 1:05 am

You're forgetting the part where attention whores need not apply.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:26 am

It'd really help that during speeches and interviews if he didn't look like he was waiting to murder you and/or have a nervous breakdown. I like weird. I'm not much a fan of bitter-weird, though. That combination isn't the most inspiring qualities for a politician to have. It's why Ken makes an awesome social commentator, but probably not such an awesome politician.

"You're all about to die./Call 911!" isn't the most inspiring campaign slogan.

Joshua Norton November 5, 2011 at 1:42 am

Dig it. I thought it was a testament to democracy when he was elected, but recently I saw him on "The Young Turks" podcast carrying about conspiracies and all my bullshit alarums hit DefCon 1. It was practically an episode of "X Files".

Dok-cupy Everything November 5, 2011 at 3:34 am

And as we all know, Jesse is, along with Alex Trebek, one of the Men in Black.

not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 2:32 pm

You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus.

HempDogbane November 5, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Yes to all that, but his sense of humor is more shrunken than his balls. When he was governator, he'd say something awful, then crickets chirped, then he'd say "joke, joke joke!" I think I hated that most of all because I voted for him.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 10:02 pm

That sounds suspiciously like the entire current slate of Republican candidates.

Dashboard_Jesus November 6, 2011 at 12:38 am

amen brother couldn't a said it better myself…I heart Jesse! :~)

ttommyunger November 4, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Considering all those years of juicing, I'm guessing Jesse's nads are reduced to the size of raisins, hence the sensitivity to groping. Relax, Jesse, nobody really cares how much your junk has shrunk.

Toomush_Infer November 4, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Geez, tttommy, you've got me wondering if he's had the operation….

ttommyunger November 4, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Doubt that, but the wrasslin and the juicin sure go together.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 10:03 pm

That sure as hell explains Der Gropenator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although, you know, he went on to father two children, so maybe size matters less than, um, never mind.

ttommyunger November 7, 2011 at 6:54 am

Thank you for that mental picture, now excuse me while I find the bleach.

Herring_Burnit November 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Sorry 'bout that. I barfed too.

Smitros November 4, 2011 at 11:08 pm

At first I read the Minnesota reference as "fascist tranny." This will make for some scary dreams.

Rotundo_ November 5, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"Fascist tranny" ??? What has this got to do with Ann Coulter? Is she in Minnesota hawking hater books or annoying college audiences or something?

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I keep seeing Charlotte Rampling waltzing around Dirk Bogarde … or, worse yet, the film about The Night of the Long Knives, that I can never remember the title of …

ShitFilledExistence November 4, 2011 at 11:12 pm

He'd look great in a sombrero! A win-win or something.

Blueb4sunrise November 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Run, Jesse! Run!

Nostrildamus November 6, 2011 at 5:31 pm

and please take Sarah with you.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm

All the way to the SUHTHUHN border!

Dudleydidwrong November 4, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Jesse was a loon, but he was sorta like us. Now we need to look for ways to attract the other really looney loonies like (well, the whole Republican bunch of crapola wannabees) to wander across the border and dwell there in splendid silence. I know that Messico will hate us for sending our insane vermin down to them but, hey, we gotta send 'em somewhere because they're stinking up this place. Thanks, Jesse, for blazing the trail.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:32 am

Didn't the Mormons try this?

TitsOccupado November 5, 2011 at 10:30 am

I never could understand how Mitten's father could have run for prez, being a Mexican National and all.

James Michael Curley November 5, 2011 at 10:58 am

The argument at the time, if I remember correctly, is that George Romney was the son of native born residents of the US who were living in Mexico; an argument accepted without much controversy in 1968, The potential for controversy and beyond – possible constitutional crises if he had been elected president – quickly disappeared when George told everybody he had previously supported the Vietnam War because he was 'brainwashed' (not to mention selling tons of vehicles to the DoD as president of American Motors).

A more interesting issue is where is Mittens birth certificate and does it show he was born in the US? He states he was born with the aid of a Mormon mid-wife in Utah. However records sought and distributed in 2008 showed his father and mother were migrating between Utah and their mansion in Mexico frequently during that time.

Over the years we have seen Barry Goldwater, George Romney, Mitt Romney and Juan McCain get a pass over questionable constitutional qualifications to serve as president but the black guy who was born in the US to a mother who was a US citizen by birth has to jump through hoops.

horsedreamer_1 November 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

The nut of it is "Black".

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Well, he IS Teh BLX, you know.

fuflans November 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm

this is kinda OT but barack obama's team just reminded me that three years ago tonight i was in grant park.

huh.

sati_demise November 5, 2011 at 12:00 am

#OccupyGrantPark

today

finallyhappy November 5, 2011 at 8:20 am

I was in shitty Loudoun County making my way home to blessed MC, MD

James Michael Curley November 5, 2011 at 11:01 am

You're lucky. I still don't remember where I was and Ms. Curley starts that cold smoldering stare when I ask her.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Word of advice: DON'T ASK HER.

You probably don't wanna know anyway.

SayItWithWookies November 4, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I love that picture — although I can't figure out if it's Rob Reiner portraying Captain Lou Albano or if it's Captain Lou Albano portraying Rob Reiner. Either way, if he's leaving the country because too many people are touching his junk, I'm gonna get fat and put rubber bands in my goatee.

facehead November 4, 2011 at 11:50 pm

When random people touch my penis, the temptation to #OCCUPY MEXICO is overwhelming.

bagofmice November 5, 2011 at 3:05 pm

So you're saying you want to #occupy south of the border.

Lucidamente1 November 4, 2011 at 11:52 pm

He will henceforth be known as Jesse "the Day Laborer" Ventura.

DerrickWildcat November 4, 2011 at 11:56 pm

"teased that he might have to run for president to change the policy and a court system he regards as broken."

You get to do stuff like that if you run for President.

sati_demise November 4, 2011 at 11:59 pm

well, say anything about Jesse,
he was the first politician to show his face at an Occupy camp.

mrblifil November 5, 2011 at 12:41 am

He was also the first to turn the Wellstone Memorial into an opportunity to vent about his hurt fee-fees. Guess he's into a lot of firsts.

Neoyorquino November 5, 2011 at 12:22 am

P): Quién es este?
R): Él es la respuesta a mis oraciones.
P): ¡¿Por quuué?!

Callyson November 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

El Señor trabaja de maneras misteriosas…

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 12:37 am

You know a professional wrestler who is worried about another man squeezing his sausage is lying his ass off covering for something.

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 1:23 am

Helloooo, wrestling is fake, I was five years old and I knew that. Similarly, I knew Satan Claus was a fake, but, jesus christ on whole wheat toast I wanted a Hot Wheels Sizzlers® Figure of Eight Track (Tx, Mom and Dad and Satan Claus) — Made in the USA, motherfucker, nonetheless.. It's a fucking subtle, insane world we live in. And I'll take Jesse Ventura over any of the clown bus bitches the Koch Bros are throwing up in front of us.

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 10:14 am

I know wrestling is fake, it is merely gay erotica for straight guys who want to be gay but are afraid to come out.

Oh and I will take Hopey before all the nuts on the right.

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 10:48 am

Wait, wrestling is gay erotica? Now you've shattered my rose colored glasses.
However, I am still holding out hope that Hopey gets his second term, gets over his OTP fear (which I can understand) and then kicks some ass. There is a Satan Claus isn't there?

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 11:16 am

According to all I learned from the movies, Satan Clause is out there. (The Last Boy Scout)

mrblifil November 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Don't drink the water Jesse. On second thought, go crazy with the water Jesse.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:12 pm

If you come to American city
You will find it very pretty
Just two things of which you must beware
Don't drink the water, and don't breathe the air

Pollution, pollution, we got smog and sewage and mud
Turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud

Just step out for a breath of air
And you'll be ready for Medicare
The city streets are really quite a thrill
If the hoods don't getcha, the monoxide will

Tom Lehrer, That Was The Year That Was

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 12:42 am

His next appearance outside a San Diego Home Depot.

OneYieldRegular November 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I'm betting bouncer at Baby Rock discotheque in Tijuana.

OccupyFnChicken November 5, 2011 at 1:03 am

A former governor whose previous line of work was a big "Look at me!" contest, with a penchant for spewing nonsense…? Is Jesse the new Sarah Palin?

OccupytheDashboard November 5, 2011 at 4:44 am

Sarah wishes she had even that much dignity.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 5, 2011 at 11:59 am

Or even half the brains.

bagofmice November 5, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Or clothes that fabulous.

Negropolis November 6, 2011 at 12:04 am

Jesse-fuckin'-Ventura libel!

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 12:06 am

Well, he kind of turned into a conspiracy theory-believing martian over the duration of his life in politics, so turning into a Mexican won't be much of a challenge, for him.

Hey Jesse. Fu Manchu called. He wants his moustache back.

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 1:31 am

Help me out here, Míchamigo, is JV is the worst person in the world? Zeus knows, I'm uglier than Cheney's coronary arteries.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 1:36 am

Que?

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 2:39 am

Dag, Cklitck, this is a brutal crowd.

PuckStopsHere November 5, 2011 at 6:14 am

I thought it was a picture of Ming the Merciless.

not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 2:35 pm

While we're on the subject of MadTV, now seems like a great time to remember El Asso Wipo.

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 8:30 am

Lord, I thought that was a microphone.

GeorgiaBurning November 5, 2011 at 1:19 am

First rule- Make you look. Like politics, pro wrestling has no shame; but in wrestling it's always OK to change the act if it's not working.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 2:47 am

I can't wait to see what Peggy Noonan writes when she hears about this. Suffice it to say, the term "luche libre" will be used quite liberally, throughout.

TitsOccupado November 5, 2011 at 10:35 am

And this would bump the total number of Mexicans seen by Peggington to 2.

Negropolis November 5, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Two whole Mexicans?! Peggington is the most worldly woman this side of the solar system, then.

mavenmaven November 5, 2011 at 2:56 am

I feel bad for him. Those metal hip replacements are problematic enough, and the humiliation the TSA people put travelers with medical issues through is well documented. Hopefully a few shots of tequila will help.

OccupytheDashboard November 5, 2011 at 4:39 am

Was that his audition picture from Battlefield Earth?

finallyhappy November 5, 2011 at 8:21 am

yes- a fat(ter) John Travolta- thank you for jogging this old uncaffeinated brain!

PuglyDoRight November 5, 2011 at 5:09 am

Did he fall into a bottle of Just for Men?

MrFizzy November 7, 2011 at 8:28 am

He looks like he has mud flaps hanging off the back of his head.

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2011 at 6:24 am

Did Ventura steal this idea from Superstar Billy Graham, too?

lochnessmonster November 5, 2011 at 6:39 am

I'm surprised anyone would try and touch him in his privates…I'd be afraid to.

anniegetyerfun November 5, 2011 at 7:21 am

I actually had no idea that he was once a Navy Seal. Learn somethin' new every day, even if it's not on purpose.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 5, 2011 at 8:26 am

I must admit I have a soft spot (on my head) for the big galoot. He's always leaned toward the extreme, for better and worse, but he's got much too thin skin for politics. I'd like to have beer with him but no longer than an hour and I wouldn't give him my phone number.

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2011 at 8:29 am

You know who else wore a funny mustache, had testicle issues, and was tired of America?

Indiepalin November 5, 2011 at 9:30 am

Boris Badanov?

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 10:18 am

Ann Coulter

gurukalehuru November 5, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Charlie Chaplin?

Callyson November 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

John Bolton?

horsedreamer_1 November 5, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Lance Armstrong?

HarryButtle November 5, 2011 at 3:37 pm
not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Oy.

user-of-owls November 5, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Ming the Gonadless?

not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Ira Einhorn?

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Eunuchs Kennedy?

Redhead November 5, 2011 at 8:36 am

"“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” he said."

And the Teabaggers think OBAMA'S the fake patriot? Oh, right, forgot – this one's white.

Come here a minute November 5, 2011 at 8:56 am

Paul Krugman wrote about this very topic (and hypocrisy) yesterday:

Back in 2000 Gibson made a movie, The Patriot, about the Revolutionary War. (I think I saw it on an airplane). And when the movie came out, Michael Lind wrote an essay that has stuck with me, pointing out that nobody involved in the picture seemed to know what patriotism means. The Gibson character was presented as a man who refused to get involved until his own family was hurt — then, he went to war for personal revenge. And this was supposed to show his patriotism.

As Lind said, the truth is that that’s more or less the opposite of patriotism, which is about making sacrifices for the national good, not serving your personal motives or interests.

Jukesgrrl November 5, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I tried to explain that very thought once, but I couldn't manage that much economy of language. I think Gibson has an equally confused understanding of the words "brave" and "heart." His Wallace was much more about hatred of the English than love of Scotland, even if the hatred was justified.

BTW, has Mel ever so much as raised his little finger unless it was for revenge, money, or sex? His own father loved America so much he moved to Australia because the U.S. wasn't Catholic enough.

Come here a minute November 5, 2011 at 7:50 am

In making the journey from mayor to governor to full-time political clown, Jesse blazed the trail followed by our Snowbilly Grifter. We can only hope she follows him out of the country.

TitsOccupado November 5, 2011 at 10:37 am

Back to Alaska!

horsedreamer_1 November 6, 2011 at 9:27 am

Todd?

chascates November 5, 2011 at 8:50 am

Hey, maybe there's hope for another weird governor: http://www.statesman.com/news/perry-goes-new-age-
Texas Gov. Rick Perry often channels his macho side, but he has a definite New Age bent when it comes to his personal health: diet and exercise, antioxidant fruit drinks for energy, experimental stem cell treatments for back problems.

El Pinche November 5, 2011 at 12:29 pm

So in other words, he's still gay.

Rotundo_ November 5, 2011 at 2:34 pm

So he's sort of like the republican equivalent of JFK; bad back, rumors about hookers and all sorts of medications. I expect if he were elected there would be some pretty interesting stories about rent boys in the oval office and who would do the "Happy Birthday" routine, ala Marilyn for him? Ricky Martin? Elton John? Randy Travis?

dennis1943 November 5, 2011 at 8:54 am

Every family has one…………

voodooeconomics November 5, 2011 at 9:00 am

I thought he wanted to go to China and be Kung Fu Master. he has the looks.
may I suggest the secure city of Ciudad Juarez as a refuge. Crime is down: In a city shootout this week only 6 people died. crime is practically under control.
The overall choice of Mexico as a place to run to suggests his mind is trying to deal with a all sorts of "medicines" at the same time. Apparently not being able to do it.

voodooeconomics November 5, 2011 at 9:02 am

AKA in Messico as "EL GRANDOTE". an easy target by a spraying Tec-9.
Worst case scenario would be coming back to the US to retrieve some cash. In a Mesican airport they might sodomize El Grandote for hidden knives.

ManchuCandidate November 5, 2011 at 9:22 am

Mexican? Based on that photo I thought he was turning Japanesah!

Indiepalin November 5, 2011 at 9:27 am

Herman Cain – John Carlos 2012!

Chichikovovich November 5, 2011 at 10:35 am

UPFIST!

salt_bagel November 5, 2011 at 10:11 am

Mexico does kinda look like it's suplexing America, now that I think about it.

Beowoof November 5, 2011 at 10:21 am

Ventura sounds hispanic so he is just going back home with a busload of Gringo dollars.

x111e7thst November 5, 2011 at 9:24 am

Whenever I hear or read about Jesse I think about the reduction in fluid pressure that results when a fluid flows through a constriction. Does this make me a bad person?

PubOption November 5, 2011 at 10:49 am

No, just a physics geek.

I think about a highway where the days are longer and the nights stronger than moonshine

TitsOccupado November 6, 2011 at 10:33 am

Does this mean Jesse has a constricted urethra?

x111e7thst November 6, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Perhaps. Or an enlarged prostate.

weejee November 5, 2011 at 10:36 am

Yo Jesse, y su caballo también.

TitsOccupado November 5, 2011 at 10:41 am

Sabado, Sabado, SABADO!

horsedreamer_1 November 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

El Fin de Semana Gigantesco con sus Enmascarados Favoritos!

Negropolis November 6, 2011 at 12:02 am

Needz moar boobie tassels.

weejee November 5, 2011 at 9:49 am

As Tits' says it's Saturday, and for those of you who still have 25¢ or something in BoA or one of the other whorebanks, move yer monies to your friendly neighborhood bank or credit union. For the freedomz.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Did Weejee & Assoc. do likewise? I'm hoping that when *businesses* start moving their money, these fucking vampires will finally realize they have gone too far.

In other news, BofA has announced that they are raising fees to recoup their losses due to the recent loss of small accounts. Twitter's floating a rumour that BofA now intends to charge anyone who is closing out their account, but no link to verify. We'll see, tomorrow, I guess.

DahBoner November 5, 2011 at 11:08 am

Jessie Ventura should be happy for the free boat ride!

And now he wants to be president???

Wait! That's someone else…

Generation[redacted] November 5, 2011 at 11:12 am

Time to bring out Ol' Painless…

owhatever November 5, 2011 at 11:48 am

Can we stop paying attention to him now?

BklynIlluminati November 5, 2011 at 11:50 am

Zetas could use the ransom money I guess

Biel_ze_Bubba November 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

Mexico just announced: they'll help with the wall.

OneYieldRegular November 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Fine, but what does Tom Tancredo think?

Antispandex November 5, 2011 at 11:23 am

Well, I was with him until the whole, "apply for citizenship so I can spend more time down there" crazy talk. Have you been down lately? Don't go. It's a lot more bullets and kidnapping, than senioritas and Pacificos.

Rotundo_ November 6, 2011 at 11:26 am

The only part he's familiar with is Cabo and other tourist spots and all he did was sit by the pool and bar and roast and drink. That is Mexico for most folks who are tourists. The reality frequently varies by a good bit.

El Pinche November 5, 2011 at 11:28 am

Where's the part where Macho Man Randy Savage hits him over the head with a chair?

"I wanted to be president, but now I hate America, brother!!! **SLAM**

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Only if he is challenging him to a Casket Match.

Generation[redacted] November 7, 2011 at 9:43 am

Not a chair, a walker.

a_pink_poodle November 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm

He'll interview on a Mexican radio.

On a Mexican – woahoah – radio

comrad_darkness November 5, 2011 at 1:11 pm

OT, but this is the end of Jo Pa's run:

"The release said the assistant reported the incident with Paterno and later met with Curley and Schultz, but the alleged incident was not reported to law enforcement. "

Jukesgrrl November 5, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Wow … just wow.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Jezus, the guy is a fucking RAPIST! What is wrong with these people, they allowed him to keep doing this to young kids?

Hurricane Ali November 5, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Ah, that's a brilliant strategy, Jesse – don't forget to hit the immigration agent over the head with a folding chair while the ref isn't looking.

not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 2:36 pm

PROFESSIONALLY WRESTLE THEM OVER THERE SO WE DON'T HAVE TO PROFESSIONALLY WRESTLE THEM HERE

HarryButtle November 5, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Needz moar cage matches with multiple whackadoodle ex-governors.

HarryButtle November 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

That's quite a Dirty Sanchez you're sporting there, Jesse.

bagofmice November 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Wait until you see his trombone.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Is it rusty?

grex1949 November 5, 2011 at 6:28 pm

He didn't give a shit about the excesses at the TSA until the "extra-special treatment" applied to him after his hip arthroplasty. Typical of ass clowns like Jim. It is, after all, all about him, isn't it?

Tundra Grifter November 5, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Better to be turning Mexican than turning Japanese.

user-of-owls November 5, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I really think so.

user-of-owls November 5, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Willie Mays = Say Hey Kid
Jesse Ventura = Hey Say (Je-se) Kid

You know, Je Se? The way Jesse is pronounced in Spanish? Christ, do I gotta explain everything to you people?

TitsOccupado November 6, 2011 at 5:08 pm

¡JaJaJa!

Dok-cupy Everything November 6, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Nein! Nein! Nein!

(Quoi?)

Eat The 1% November 6, 2011 at 9:11 pm

lulz in translation.

not that Dewey November 6, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Can we please just stick with Willie Mays, for the moment? The sports pages, man's accomplishments, etc etc?

El Pinche November 5, 2011 at 6:56 pm

OMG, it's not just a weird stach…
http://www.fileden.com/files/2009/2/22/2334311//j

El Pinche November 7, 2011 at 10:51 am

Impressive. I can photoshop while blackout drunk.

Walkinwiddaking November 5, 2011 at 8:06 pm

If only he didn't resemble a Klingon then I would totally back his right to be a Mexican.

usernameguy November 5, 2011 at 8:43 pm

His chin is leaking crude oil!

johnnyzhivago November 5, 2011 at 7:51 pm

OT – but Johnny Zhivago is back on the Inter-webs, following a SIX DAY, 23 HOUR power holiday, courtesy of First Energy and Jersey Central Power and Light. It's not exactly as if the Zhivago bunker and compound is located all that off the beaten path – about 2 miles from an Interstate Highway, in fact – but it took a power repair crew from ALABAMA ( !!!!) to finally reconnect us.

Hooray to the power company EMPLOYEES who have worked so hard through this mess – and BOOO to the assholes at First Energy who cut every dime to make a profit – and to Governor Christie for defending these bozos at every turn!!!

Jukesgrrl November 5, 2011 at 9:45 pm

OMG, whadda mess!! Glad you're back in business. I hope you invited the crew from Alabama to stick around and watch the big game.

johnnyzhivago November 6, 2011 at 12:22 pm

They didn't waste time moving on – I am hoping they are getting triple time for their trouble…

BlueStateLibel November 6, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Glad you're back in business. It took five days to restore power to my bunker. I read that JCP&L laid off about 3,000 workers a little while ago. Because you know, who needs the workers that actually keep civilization running?

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2011 at 3:33 pm

JCP&L probably defends that as "Just in Time Delivery," one of the favorite fantasies of Corporate America. "We'll lay off all our worker-bees, just keep management, and then hire part-timers on an as-needed basis." Yeah, right, that's the ticket. It works until it doesn't. Then the customers get screwed ten times worse than usual.

comrad_darkness November 6, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Welcome back! We had a storm once and the Quebec power crews came (foreigners!) and worked our neighborhood. Worked out well because they were brutal about cutting any questionable or downed line. Complaints were not their problem.

glamourdammerung November 6, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Good thing we did not upgrade and maintain our infrastructure because those tax cuts for corporations and the ultra-wealthy are going to create an economic sonic boom!

Warpde November 5, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I like Senior Jhessa.
He reminds me that I'm not as fucked up as I think.
No more tinfoil hat's for this amigo.

Rasvar November 5, 2011 at 9:58 pm

His 'riods will be cheaper in Mexico too.

AntonovBureau November 5, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I don't get why he's upset? Isn't the whole point of wrestling is to touch another guy's balls or 'mistakenly' have yours touched?

DahBoner November 6, 2011 at 7:47 pm

That's the first rule of wrestling:

NEVER TALK ABOUT THE FIRST RULE OF WRESTLING.

proudgrampa November 5, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

onemoretime79 November 6, 2011 at 4:51 am

So sorry to repeat on this post,
but still I must comment

Jesse lost all cred w/the commons, as soon as the recent photo
was displayed.

I mean, really.

You know who else the people loved that looked like that? wtf j?

stew1 November 6, 2011 at 5:51 am

Shit, I fly the friendly skies IN ORDER to get my junk handled. If they only gave happy endings…

Chichikovovich November 6, 2011 at 9:50 am

Sorry, mon chum. For first class treatment you need to shell out for the first class ticket. What do you think they do in that "priority line"?

MissTaken November 6, 2011 at 7:54 pm

OH! So that's what they're doing when they get to "board" first! No wonder they look so smug when us cattle come aboard.

DahBoner November 6, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Does anyone know who is America's first favorite whack-a-doodle???

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2011 at 3:37 pm

My choice is Herman Cain. I support him 1,000% (as the politicians say) to get the Republican nomination. If I had any money, I'd send it to his campaign. Every dollar spent on Hermie is $2 Obama won't need in 2012.

In the category of Whack-a-Doodle Governors, Jan Brewer wins hands down. Not nearly as dangerous as many others. Just a bad joke.

Rotundo_ November 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I have to agree with you on both counts, Herman is gold, pure 24 carat gold for comedy and democratic electoral prospects. Jan is another gift that keeps on giving: I think the biggest difference between Jan and Walker and the other newly minted conservatard governors is that she doesn't seem as concerned about anything like strategy or even rational thought in the decision making process she just goes with anything that will piss off anyone who isn't conservative. The others seem to hit in barrages and then wait and see.

glamourdammerung November 6, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I have to admit that I think Cain is approaching Ron Paul levels of lacking basic self awareness, which is pretty impressive in a sad sort of way.

Nostrildamus November 6, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Jesse's just having a Señor moment.

DahBoner November 6, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Ay, Taco Bell Chihuahua!!

barto November 6, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Huh. What's his costume gonna be? Oh wait, nevermind, I see he's wearing it for the presser. I think he's planning on tying the ends of that stash to his nuts, eventually. "El Boludo" probably the likely "nom de lucha".

Negropolis November 6, 2011 at 10:03 pm

OT: Just an update on the "License to Bully" bill that made it through the Michigan Senate, the other day. In a really shocking move, it's being reported, tonight, that the Republican Speaker of the House says that the house version of the bill will remove the "moral conviction" I guess national pressure can change things really quickly. I call it 'shocking' because like most bicameral legislatures, the House is actually more a fundamentalist body than the Senate on most things.

I'm starting to question if it was public pressure, though. The socially moderat"ish" governor has been said since he got in office to privately tell the speaker and senate majority leader to cut out the most extremist bullshit social legislation, and I wonder if he got to them on this one, too?

Eat The 1% November 6, 2011 at 11:34 pm

For Freedumz….and Jeebus.

Mumbly_Occupado November 7, 2011 at 8:20 am

OT, but stay classy, Chicago Board of Trade.

And yes, that's the same Chicago Board of trade that's been heckling the protesters via signs in windows, and handing out asinine leaflets that are sometimes also just inane copypasta that predate the protests they're supposedly 'about' by more than a year and a half.

I guess it's true what they say, about money's ability to buy class.

bureaucrap November 7, 2011 at 10:04 am

We should be there to say goodbye to him at the airport — and then have a "wheels-up" party. We should also inquire politely if there's still room on the plane for Sarah, Michele, Hermie, Newt, Mittens, Ricki, and Frothy Mix.

Troglodeity November 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Hey Jesse – Ming the Merciless called; he wants his beard back.
http://bloodsweatdice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011

ndisang67 November 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Would he be coming back for his medicare?

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Haha weej, it was vitiligo. That's why the Dermatologist was giving the King of Propofol all that Demerol.

user-of-owls November 5, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Folderol!

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Not Uranus, eh?

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Seriously, you're anti-matter, parallel universal protestor?

not that Dewey November 5, 2011 at 10:51 pm

And leave my anus out of this.

Herring_Burnit November 5, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I am?

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 10:47 pm

UR, and great to see you back.

user-of-owls November 5, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Why, you got some sorta annus horribilis or something?

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Oh, ntDewey, you would be SO sorry if your anus were left out of things. Wait, that came out wrong.

Eat The 1% November 5, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Hookworms, pinworms, bookworms….stay clean my friends.

not that Dewey November 6, 2011 at 12:05 am

My annus is just mirabilis, I'll have you know.

Eat The 1% November 6, 2011 at 12:39 am

E Pluribus Annus, y'all.

not that Dewey November 6, 2011 at 2:04 am

Anno anus, dontcha know.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 10:00 pm

E Pluribus ANUS, I should think. Or at least I'm getting good advice on how to be inclusive in #Occupy without letting assholes take over, like drummers who won't quiet down, and provocateurs who want to smash windows instead of the State.

horsedreamer_1 November 6, 2011 at 9:23 am

Doggerel!

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Thank you. (Hugs Eat The 1%, however weird it might look).

I found out recently that a sibling has a rare cancer. It was a painful reminder that life is short and we must be as good to each other as we can.

Eat The 1% November 6, 2011 at 10:51 pm

{{Hugs Herring_Burnit}}
Seriously, the 99%.

Herring_Burnit November 6, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Thanks, darlz. We live so far apart, and I haven't seen her for over 10 years now. And now time is running out, and I must go there, but she doesn't want all the icky sympathy and stuff.

I treasure your hugs. I needed them. Thanks.

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