weirder things have happened

Jesse Ventura Announces He Will Turn Into A Mexican

We apologize in advance to Mexico.America’s second-most favorite whackadoodle ex-governor Jesse Ventura (whose crazy gave Minnesota such a hangover it then elected Tim Pawlenty) managed to gather enough bored reporters together to formally announce that he tragically lost his important lawsuit trying to get the government to quit letting TSA agents touch his nuts all the time. In revenge, he will now become a Mexican, in order to stick it to the fascist tyranny of Minnesota.

From the AP:

Ventura, a political independent who served one term as governor, teased that he might have to run for president to change the policy and a court system he regards as broken.

Moments later, he vowed to apply for Mexican citizenship so he can live there more months of the year.

The former Navy SEAL said he had lost his patriotism.

“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” he said.

Huh. Cool, well we look forward to seeing Jesse “El Cuerpo” Ventura in the lucha libre fights on Univision soon enough. [AP; thanks to Wonkette operative “chascates”]

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    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      somehow I don't think 'ol Jesse takes any orders fromthe Kock Bros., my guess is he'd give those two assholes a swift Navy Seal kick in the balls…say what you will about him- and all snark aside- but I admire his continued willingness to stand up to the fascist fucks who have run this cuntry for too long…I don't care how 'nutty' some may think he is, the man is willing to go on Fux Noise and call them out for being the propagandists they are, and I'm quite sure all the phony douchebags at Fux & Fiends are scared to death he'll LITERALLY rip their hearts out on air someday (Steve Douchy has probably BEGGED them to NOT invite Jesse back on in fear he'll wet his pants on air)

    1. mrpuma2u

      I am kinda with Jesse on this one. Wait, mebbe we could get the messicans to sell Baja Cali to those socialist weenies the Canadians. Then we bitter snarky godless agnostic/heathen types can all emigrate to Canada's newest province (the flag can be a maple leaf with a jalapeno superimposed on it). Then we shall see if the dumbass jeebus types can still run the country after the brain drain south.

      1. Pithaughn

        I'm way out there in lefty land but this statement "“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” ? Because of the TSA pat down search? Are you and Jesse okay with undeclared war activities all over the world? Sheesh. Turn your back on your country, but at least have the decency to be upset about something that really matters.
        Despite all our flaws and irrational desire to maim and kill others, I say dance with the one that brung ya.

  1. BlueStateLibel

    Ouch, us ladiez, when we are thinking about sexy time aren't thinking about bald old wrestler or Herman Cain. Fail.

  2. Blendergoathead

    Instead of TSA agents touching his balls, he'll have some cartel thugs chop them off and make him eat them before dumping him in a ditch. Win-win!

    1. Terry

      Naw, they shouldn't hurt him. Just scare him and make him cry like baby, film it, and post it on YouTube

  3. Jukesgrrl

    I was hoping he'd really do us a favor and fly back to the planet he came from. That's what I mean when I say alien.

  4. Moonbatting Average

    Based on that picture, I'd argue that he has a better chance at gaining (Big Trouble in Little) Chinese citizenship.

    1. Lit Happens

      When he was governor, he refused to declare a "Day of Prayer" like all the other chief execs. Also, he refused to install metal detectors at the state capitol after 9/11.

      He was nuts, but he had some endearing qualities. And he was a much better governor than Tim Pawlenty.

      1. Infrogmation

        "And he was a much better governor than Tim Pawlenty."

        Which is about like noting that a sweltering August on the U.S. Gulf Coast is better than Hurricane Katrina.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        Still doesn't balance his contention that Columbine wouldn't have been nearly as deadly had a coupla the faculty been packing heat.

  5. datateday

    Mexico's not going to touch your dong? Really? Mexico will be all over your dong like there's no tomorrow. Might as well rename your dong Senor (Ding) Dong because it shall make appearances.

    1. DahBoner

      Mexico will be all over your dong like there's no tomorrow.

      No one hears your dong scream in Mexico….

    2. Herring_Burnit

      Does Amurka know this? I mean, every red-blooded 'Murkan man is gonna be hotfooting it across the border if they can get their dong allovered, especially if the alloverer is some cute, hot little brown chiquita!

    1. Eat The 1%

      For my whole life, I could never understand what those guys did wrong, or who they disrespected. Same with Rev. Wright, did he say something that wasn't, in essence, true? Don't scare whitey, I guess.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Almost – although Avery Brundage would never admit to being scared. More like reminded that it wasn't, in fact, his world.

          1. Eat The 1%

            Haha weej, it was vitiligo. That's why the Dermatologist was giving the King of Propofol all that Demerol.

  6. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, you probably don't remember those great Mr. Bill type action-figure ads he made when running for governor of Minnesota. I visited the psuedo-mansion there once (some state arts board function)…..lousy chef (unlike the previous chef). I, for one, am happy to embrace his hispanicness.- maybe he can learn about mole sauces….

      1. Beowoof

        I saw that, one lame consipiracy per show which they spent 3 minutes before and after each commerical break repeating and then in between providing no evidence any of it was true.

    1. DahBoner

      Oh my. Jesse is batshit crazy

      I've been getting my dental work done in Mexico for over 10 years now. One time, I had a crown break eating some popcorn seeds or something and they replaced it free. Already had my wallet out (it was only about $120 for a new one), but they told me my money was no good there and to put it back in my pocket. They said they were professionals and guaranteed their work.


  7. Chichikovovich

    A happy thought – to send everyone off to a blissful weekend. The amount of attention and consideration that Jesse Ventura's words and actions get now is exactly the amount of attention and consideration that Sarah Palin's will get in five years.

    1. Mahousu

      And that Herman Cain's will get in five months.
      Or Rick Perry's will get in five weeks.
      Or Michele Bachmann's will get in five minutes.

  8. Eat The 1%

    C'mon, why you all be hatin' on Jesse? This guy is light-years closer to our worldview than anybody in the Starship GOP/Teabag. An atheist, independent, fiscally conservative, gay-rights supporter, pro-choice, anti-BushCheney. An outspoken critic of waterboarding, censorship, campaign financing, Föx, the TSA, the misuse of terrorism and 9/11 exploitation.
    Holy shit, I think he would be comfortable here amongst us oddballs. And we would tolerate him as we much as we tolerate each other. We can't dislike everybody, can we?
    Oh yeah, BTW, isn't Ventura a Messican name anyhow?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Testify brother. And of equal importance to all those things, it was Jesse Ventura, no one else, who brought us Captain Freedom's Workout:

      And, unlike Sarah P, when Jesse wears clothing in spectacularly bad taste, it is always (well, sometimes) meant ironically, as part of his act. Sarah really stands in front of the mirror and says "That looks perfect!"

    2. Pragmatist2

      No.Ventura is a highway in California.
      But, as a Minnesotan I give you a numbs up on Jesse. He is crazy but he is our kind of crazy.

    3. Negropolis

      It'd really help that during speeches and interviews if he didn't look like he was waiting to murder you and/or have a nervous breakdown. I like weird. I'm not much a fan of bitter-weird, though. That combination isn't the most inspiring qualities for a politician to have. It's why Ken makes an awesome social commentator, but probably not such an awesome politician.

      "You're all about to die./Call 911!" isn't the most inspiring campaign slogan.

      1. Joshua Norton

        Dig it. I thought it was a testament to democracy when he was elected, but recently I saw him on "The Young Turks" podcast carrying about conspiracies and all my bullshit alarums hit DefCon 1. It was practically an episode of "X Files".

          1. not that Dewey

            You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus.

          2. Herring_Burnit

            Thank you. (Hugs Eat The 1%, however weird it might look).

            I found out recently that a sibling has a rare cancer. It was a painful reminder that life is short and we must be as good to each other as we can.

          3. Herring_Burnit

            Thanks, darlz. We live so far apart, and I haven't seen her for over 10 years now. And now time is running out, and I must go there, but she doesn't want all the icky sympathy and stuff.

            I treasure your hugs. I needed them. Thanks.

          4. Herring_Burnit

            E Pluribus ANUS, I should think. Or at least I'm getting good advice on how to be inclusive in #Occupy without letting assholes take over, like drummers who won't quiet down, and provocateurs who want to smash windows instead of the State.

    4. HempDogbane

      Yes to all that, but his sense of humor is more shrunken than his balls. When he was governator, he'd say something awful, then crickets chirped, then he'd say "joke, joke joke!" I think I hated that most of all because I voted for him.

  9. ttommyunger

    Considering all those years of juicing, I'm guessing Jesse's nads are reduced to the size of raisins, hence the sensitivity to groping. Relax, Jesse, nobody really cares how much your junk has shrunk.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      That sure as hell explains Der Gropenator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although, you know, he went on to father two children, so maybe size matters less than, um, never mind.

    1. Rotundo_

      "Fascist tranny" ??? What has this got to do with Ann Coulter? Is she in Minnesota hawking hater books or annoying college audiences or something?

      1. Herring_Burnit

        I keep seeing Charlotte Rampling waltzing around Dirk Bogarde … or, worse yet, the film about The Night of the Long Knives, that I can never remember the title of …

  10. Dudleydidwrong

    Jesse was a loon, but he was sorta like us. Now we need to look for ways to attract the other really looney loonies like (well, the whole Republican bunch of crapola wannabees) to wander across the border and dwell there in splendid silence. I know that Messico will hate us for sending our insane vermin down to them but, hey, we gotta send 'em somewhere because they're stinking up this place. Thanks, Jesse, for blazing the trail.

      1. TitsOccupado

        I never could understand how Mitten's father could have run for prez, being a Mexican National and all.

        1. James Michael Curley

          The argument at the time, if I remember correctly, is that George Romney was the son of native born residents of the US who were living in Mexico; an argument accepted without much controversy in 1968, The potential for controversy and beyond – possible constitutional crises if he had been elected president – quickly disappeared when George told everybody he had previously supported the Vietnam War because he was 'brainwashed' (not to mention selling tons of vehicles to the DoD as president of American Motors).

          A more interesting issue is where is Mittens birth certificate and does it show he was born in the US? He states he was born with the aid of a Mormon mid-wife in Utah. However records sought and distributed in 2008 showed his father and mother were migrating between Utah and their mansion in Mexico frequently during that time.

          Over the years we have seen Barry Goldwater, George Romney, Mitt Romney and Juan McCain get a pass over questionable constitutional qualifications to serve as president but the black guy who was born in the US to a mother who was a US citizen by birth has to jump through hoops.

  11. fuflans

    this is kinda OT but barack obama's team just reminded me that three years ago tonight i was in grant park.


    1. James Michael Curley

      You're lucky. I still don't remember where I was and Ms. Curley starts that cold smoldering stare when I ask her.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    I love that picture — although I can't figure out if it's Rob Reiner portraying Captain Lou Albano or if it's Captain Lou Albano portraying Rob Reiner. Either way, if he's leaving the country because too many people are touching his junk, I'm gonna get fat and put rubber bands in my goatee.

  13. DerrickWildcat

    "teased that he might have to run for president to change the policy and a court system he regards as broken."

    You get to do stuff like that if you run for President.

  14. Beowoof

    You know a professional wrestler who is worried about another man squeezing his sausage is lying his ass off covering for something.

    1. Eat The 1%

      Helloooo, wrestling is fake, I was five years old and I knew that. Similarly, I knew Satan Claus was a fake, but, jesus christ on whole wheat toast I wanted a Hot Wheels Sizzlers® Figure of Eight Track (Tx, Mom and Dad and Satan Claus) — Made in the USA, motherfucker, nonetheless.. It's a fucking subtle, insane world we live in. And I'll take Jesse Ventura over any of the clown bus bitches the Koch Bros are throwing up in front of us.

      1. Beowoof

        I know wrestling is fake, it is merely gay erotica for straight guys who want to be gay but are afraid to come out.

        Oh and I will take Hopey before all the nuts on the right.

        1. Eat The 1%

          Wait, wrestling is gay erotica? Now you've shattered my rose colored glasses.
          However, I am still holding out hope that Hopey gets his second term, gets over his OTP fear (which I can understand) and then kicks some ass. There is a Satan Claus isn't there?

    1. Herring_Burnit

      If you come to American city
      You will find it very pretty
      Just two things of which you must beware
      Don't drink the water, and don't breathe the air

      Pollution, pollution, we got smog and sewage and mud
      Turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud

      Just step out for a breath of air
      And you'll be ready for Medicare
      The city streets are really quite a thrill
      If the hoods don't getcha, the monoxide will

      Tom Lehrer, That Was The Year That Was

  15. OccupyFnChicken

    A former governor whose previous line of work was a big "Look at me!" contest, with a penchant for spewing nonsense…? Is Jesse the new Sarah Palin?

  16. Negropolis

    Well, he kind of turned into a conspiracy theory-believing martian over the duration of his life in politics, so turning into a Mexican won't be much of a challenge, for him.

    Hey Jesse. Fu Manchu called. He wants his moustache back.

    1. Eat The 1%

      Help me out here, Míchamigo, is JV is the worst person in the world? Zeus knows, I'm uglier than Cheney's coronary arteries.

  17. GeorgiaBurning

    First rule- Make you look. Like politics, pro wrestling has no shame; but in wrestling it's always OK to change the act if it's not working.

  18. Negropolis

    I can't wait to see what Peggy Noonan writes when she hears about this. Suffice it to say, the term "luche libre" will be used quite liberally, throughout.

  19. mavenmaven

    I feel bad for him. Those metal hip replacements are problematic enough, and the humiliation the TSA people put travelers with medical issues through is well documented. Hopefully a few shots of tequila will help.

  20. anniegetyerfun

    I actually had no idea that he was once a Navy Seal. Learn somethin' new every day, even if it's not on purpose.

  21. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I must admit I have a soft spot (on my head) for the big galoot. He's always leaned toward the extreme, for better and worse, but he's got much too thin skin for politics. I'd like to have beer with him but no longer than an hour and I wouldn't give him my phone number.

  22. Redhead

    "“I will never stand for a national anthem again. I will turn my back and I will raise a fist,” he said."

    And the Teabaggers think OBAMA'S the fake patriot? Oh, right, forgot – this one's white.

    1. Come here a minute

      Paul Krugman wrote about this very topic (and hypocrisy) yesterday:

      Back in 2000 Gibson made a movie, The Patriot, about the Revolutionary War. (I think I saw it on an airplane). And when the movie came out, Michael Lind wrote an essay that has stuck with me, pointing out that nobody involved in the picture seemed to know what patriotism means. The Gibson character was presented as a man who refused to get involved until his own family was hurt — then, he went to war for personal revenge. And this was supposed to show his patriotism.

      As Lind said, the truth is that that’s more or less the opposite of patriotism, which is about making sacrifices for the national good, not serving your personal motives or interests.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I tried to explain that very thought once, but I couldn't manage that much economy of language. I think Gibson has an equally confused understanding of the words "brave" and "heart." His Wallace was much more about hatred of the English than love of Scotland, even if the hatred was justified.

        BTW, has Mel ever so much as raised his little finger unless it was for revenge, money, or sex? His own father loved America so much he moved to Australia because the U.S. wasn't Catholic enough.

  23. Come here a minute

    In making the journey from mayor to governor to full-time political clown, Jesse blazed the trail followed by our Snowbilly Grifter. We can only hope she follows him out of the country.

    1. Rotundo_

      So he's sort of like the republican equivalent of JFK; bad back, rumors about hookers and all sorts of medications. I expect if he were elected there would be some pretty interesting stories about rent boys in the oval office and who would do the "Happy Birthday" routine, ala Marilyn for him? Ricky Martin? Elton John? Randy Travis?

  24. voodooeconomics

    I thought he wanted to go to China and be Kung Fu Master. he has the looks.
    may I suggest the secure city of Ciudad Juarez as a refuge. Crime is down: In a city shootout this week only 6 people died. crime is practically under control.
    The overall choice of Mexico as a place to run to suggests his mind is trying to deal with a all sorts of "medicines" at the same time. Apparently not being able to do it.

  25. voodooeconomics

    AKA in Messico as "EL GRANDOTE". an easy target by a spraying Tec-9.
    Worst case scenario would be coming back to the US to retrieve some cash. In a Mesican airport they might sodomize El Grandote for hidden knives.

  26. x111e7thst

    Whenever I hear or read about Jesse I think about the reduction in fluid pressure that results when a fluid flows through a constriction. Does this make me a bad person?

    1. PubOption

      No, just a physics geek.

      I think about a highway where the days are longer and the nights stronger than moonshine

  27. weejee

    As Tits' says it's Saturday, and for those of you who still have 25¢ or something in BoA or one of the other whorebanks, move yer monies to your friendly neighborhood bank or credit union. For the freedomz.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Did Weejee & Assoc. do likewise? I'm hoping that when *businesses* start moving their money, these fucking vampires will finally realize they have gone too far.

      In other news, BofA has announced that they are raising fees to recoup their losses due to the recent loss of small accounts. Twitter's floating a rumour that BofA now intends to charge anyone who is closing out their account, but no link to verify. We'll see, tomorrow, I guess.

  28. DahBoner

    Jessie Ventura should be happy for the free boat ride!

    And now he wants to be president???

    Wait! That's someone else…

  29. Antispandex

    Well, I was with him until the whole, "apply for citizenship so I can spend more time down there" crazy talk. Have you been down lately? Don't go. It's a lot more bullets and kidnapping, than senioritas and Pacificos.

    1. Rotundo_

      The only part he's familiar with is Cabo and other tourist spots and all he did was sit by the pool and bar and roast and drink. That is Mexico for most folks who are tourists. The reality frequently varies by a good bit.

  30. El Pinche

    Where's the part where Macho Man Randy Savage hits him over the head with a chair?

    "I wanted to be president, but now I hate America, brother!!! **SLAM**

  31. not that Dewey


  32. grex1949

    He didn't give a shit about the excesses at the TSA until the "extra-special treatment" applied to him after his hip arthroplasty. Typical of ass clowns like Jim. It is, after all, all about him, isn't it?

  33. user-of-owls

    Willie Mays = Say Hey Kid
    Jesse Ventura = Hey Say (Je-se) Kid

    You know, Je Se? The way Jesse is pronounced in Spanish? Christ, do I gotta explain everything to you people?

    1. not that Dewey

      Can we please just stick with Willie Mays, for the moment? The sports pages, man's accomplishments, etc etc?

  34. johnnyzhivago

    OT – but Johnny Zhivago is back on the Inter-webs, following a SIX DAY, 23 HOUR power holiday, courtesy of First Energy and Jersey Central Power and Light. It's not exactly as if the Zhivago bunker and compound is located all that off the beaten path – about 2 miles from an Interstate Highway, in fact – but it took a power repair crew from ALABAMA ( !!!!) to finally reconnect us.

    Hooray to the power company EMPLOYEES who have worked so hard through this mess – and BOOO to the assholes at First Energy who cut every dime to make a profit – and to Governor Christie for defending these bozos at every turn!!!

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Glad you're back in business. It took five days to restore power to my bunker. I read that JCP&L laid off about 3,000 workers a little while ago. Because you know, who needs the workers that actually keep civilization running?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        JCP&L probably defends that as "Just in Time Delivery," one of the favorite fantasies of Corporate America. "We'll lay off all our worker-bees, just keep management, and then hire part-timers on an as-needed basis." Yeah, right, that's the ticket. It works until it doesn't. Then the customers get screwed ten times worse than usual.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Welcome back! We had a storm once and the Quebec power crews came (foreigners!) and worked our neighborhood. Worked out well because they were brutal about cutting any questionable or downed line. Complaints were not their problem.

  35. Warpde

    I like Senior Jhessa.
    He reminds me that I'm not as fucked up as I think.
    No more tinfoil hat's for this amigo.

  36. AntonovBureau

    I don't get why he's upset? Isn't the whole point of wrestling is to touch another guy's balls or 'mistakenly' have yours touched?

  37. onemoretime79

    So sorry to repeat on this post,
    but still I must comment

    Jesse lost all cred w/the commons, as soon as the recent photo
    was displayed.

    I mean, really.

    You know who else the people loved that looked like that? wtf j?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Sorry, mon chum. For first class treatment you need to shell out for the first class ticket. What do you think they do in that "priority line"?

      1. MissTaken

        OH! So that's what they're doing when they get to "board" first! No wonder they look so smug when us cattle come aboard.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      My choice is Herman Cain. I support him 1,000% (as the politicians say) to get the Republican nomination. If I had any money, I'd send it to his campaign. Every dollar spent on Hermie is $2 Obama won't need in 2012.

      In the category of Whack-a-Doodle Governors, Jan Brewer wins hands down. Not nearly as dangerous as many others. Just a bad joke.

      1. Rotundo_

        I have to agree with you on both counts, Herman is gold, pure 24 carat gold for comedy and democratic electoral prospects. Jan is another gift that keeps on giving: I think the biggest difference between Jan and Walker and the other newly minted conservatard governors is that she doesn't seem as concerned about anything like strategy or even rational thought in the decision making process she just goes with anything that will piss off anyone who isn't conservative. The others seem to hit in barrages and then wait and see.

  38. barto

    Huh. What's his costume gonna be? Oh wait, nevermind, I see he's wearing it for the presser. I think he's planning on tying the ends of that stash to his nuts, eventually. "El Boludo" probably the likely "nom de lucha".

  39. Negropolis

    OT: Just an update on the "License to Bully" bill that made it through the Michigan Senate, the other day. In a really shocking move, it's being reported, tonight, that the Republican Speaker of the House says that the house version of the bill will remove the "moral conviction" I guess national pressure can change things really quickly. I call it 'shocking' because like most bicameral legislatures, the House is actually more a fundamentalist body than the Senate on most things.

    I'm starting to question if it was public pressure, though. The socially moderat"ish" governor has been said since he got in office to privately tell the speaker and senate majority leader to cut out the most extremist bullshit social legislation, and I wonder if he got to them on this one, too?

  40. bureaucrap

    We should be there to say goodbye to him at the airport — and then have a "wheels-up" party. We should also inquire politely if there's still room on the plane for Sarah, Michele, Hermie, Newt, Mittens, Ricki, and Frothy Mix.

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