Joe Walsh wants to have even more kids now, to not pay child support to, to get even MOAR REWARDZ.

The Family Research Council, Satan’s favorite little pack of square-edged dildo monsters, mysteriously gave screamy attention whore Joe Walsh an award recognizing him as a “pro-family” human despite the fact that Joe Walsh is known back in reality as the worst, most anti-family human in Congress, for cheating his kids out of their little child support dimes for years even as he sues his ex-wife to avoid ever paying them. But still, he votes for things like trying to strip gay people of the chance to ever marry, repealing health care reform and destroying funding for women’s clinics, and…God, what are we saying? Joe Walsh deserves an award for being the guy in Congress you least want near your family. AND YET.

Not even a lick of self-awareness shines through in his statement, ready for it? Via the Chicago Sun-Times:

“I am proud and honored to be recognized by the Family Research Council as the only member from Illinois with a 100 percent pro-family voting record,” Walsh said in a news release. “Defending American values have always been one of my top priorities, and this reward reaffirms my dedication to that fight.”

That’s some top-notch make-believe there, Joe Walsh. Are you a method actor? GIVE HIM AN OSCAR, TOO, QUICK. [Sun-Times]

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  • EatsBabyDingos

    Pro-family voting, anti-family to family.

  • IncenseDebate

    Needz moar public castration

  • NYNYNYjr

    He is a high-ranking figure in the Ministry of Family. A blind eye can be turned to certain…indiscretions.

  • memzilla

    In true Rethuglican fashion, he is accusing his primary opponent of a personal attack, denying the allegation, and is defending Herman Cain.

    Dear Cook County Circuit Judge Raul Vega:
    Please hold Rep. Walsh in contempt, with extreme prejudice.

    • MathIsHard

      “If he raises his voice and calls into question who I am as a father, I’ll punch him in the face, figuratively speaking,” Walsh told the Daily Herald.

      Then I'll kick him in the figurative nuts, and choke the life out of him, in a manner of speaking. Violence? No I'm not talking about violence. These are all just common euphemisms for…uh…"releasing a rebuking statement to the press".

      • DetectiveGrey

        It's okay, Hultgren can just tell everyone he figuratively fell down the figurative stairs when people ask about it.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Punch him in the face with votes, he means.

    • DetectiveGrey

      I'd like to go on the record as saying that anyone with a name like Raul Vega is fully permitted to hold me in whatever way they want. Preferably shirtless.

    • fuflans

      god this guy makes me so crazy. i so badly want some voter retribution – or a nice juicy underage male baggage-handler story.

    • LetUsBray

      If by "extreme prejudice" you mean "a cattle prod to the nuts", then I agree.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    In related news, the National Institute of Irony burned to the ground.


    • Fare la Volpe

      Said Alanis Morisette in reaction, "Well, isn't that weird?"

      • Negropolis

        Isn't it ironic?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Quite a columny.

    • FraAnima

      Employees from the Institute will be temporarily housed at the Department of Redundancy Department.

    • DetectiveGrey

      I heard the fire was started by a clerk throwing water on their computer in disgust after reading the Sun-Times article.

      • Crying "Aroint thee, witch!" as the water trickled into the keyboard.

  • He's pro-family except when he has to pay the bills then he's all "Fuck my family"

    • HistoriCat

      He's pro-family … he's just anti-paying-for-stuff.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I'd love to know what The Family Research Council considers to be a pro-family bill, other than overturning Roe vs. Wade. Taking away Grandma's Medicare? Cutting Grandpa's Social Security check? Giving all rich uncles a tax cut? Reducing the number of hours the kids have to go to school? Taking away school lunches? Allowing the "slow" children to join the military for active duty? Waterboarding juvenile delinquents? Allowing parents and children who don't have health insurance to die? I suspect Joe Walsh can be counted on as a YES for all those things.

      • If you want to let Rep. Walsh know how you feel, he's @RepJoeWalsh on Twitter. I've asked all Christians who disagree with deadbeat dads screwing their children and getting "Pro-Family" awards for it to let the FRC know how they feel. You can write those hick motherfuckers at:

        Family Research Council
        801 G Street, NW
        Washington, D.C. 20001

        Or, feel free to call/fax them at:

        Tel: 202/393-2100
        Fax: 202/393-2134

  • Oblios_Cap

    “Defending American values have always been one of my top priorities, and this reward reaffirms my dedication to that fight.”

    I think someone slept through his Civics class in school.

  • For the 20th time, man, I fucking hate The Eagles!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski!

  • Do as I say not as I do wah ditty do.

  • crybabyboehner

    this award goes out to all the deadbeat dads !

  • HelmutNewton

    In the down-is-up world of the teabaggers, being "pro-family" means to try and make everyone's family as miserable as possible. In that respect, Walsh is just leading by example.

  • YouBetcha

    I think I strapped one on and took a male member of the Family Research Council in the back of an Escalade once. It might have been the Parents Television Council. I always get my adulterous repressed latents mixed up.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Oops, I misread that as "adulterous repressed latex"–not really so far off, all in all.

      • bagofmice

        Dok-cupy safely.

  • SorosBot

    Those are living kids, not fetuses, so they don't matter to the "pro-family" crowd.

  • orygoon

    Sounds like we need to send our own opinions to the FRC. Mine will peel all the paint off of their walls.

    • Please do. You can write them at:

      Family Research Council
      801 G Street, NW
      Washington, D.C. 20001

      Or call/fax them at:

      Tel: 202/393-2100
      Fax: 202/393-2134

    • If you have a Twitter account, you can let Joe Walsh know what you did, you know, just to make him a little more miserable. He's @RepJoeWalsh.

  • slithytoves

    Family Research Council fail.

  • Irony has died…. again.

  • coolhandnuke

    My Maserati does one-eighty-five
    I lost my license, now I don't drive
    I have a limo, ride in the back
    I lock the doors in case I'm attacked

  • DaRooster

    Save the fetus'… screw the kids!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Hey, isn't that the Catholic Church's motto?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Abstinent Teen of the Year winner Brisket Palin sends her congratulations.

  • Crank_Tango

    Well, in his defense, his family are probably a bunch of assholes, just like him. Rotten apples don't fall far from the tree and whatnot.

    • Chichikovovich

      I've known many wonderful women inexplicably besotted with despicable men. And now heres W.B. Yeats:

      Why should not old men be mad?
      Some have known…

      A girl that knew all Dante once
      Live to bear children to a dunce;

    • DustBowlBlues

      In the world where they're okay on divorcing a spouse because their Alzheimer's is a drag, "She's a bitch" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not paying child support. And it's not like she's pregnant or anything. Those kids have been already, so fuck them all.

      Yay, political party of family values.

  • At long last, Illinois 8th, have you no sense of decency?

    One chance for redemption: with Tammy Duckworth running for the seat you have a chance to create the all-time greatest single-election swing in the morality quotient of your Rep. If you don't take that opportunity we're sending you an entire boxcar load of lightly salted poisoned rat dicks.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Duckworth vs Worthless Dick

      • tessiee

        Duckworth vs. Fuckwad

    • memzilla

      Tammy is a genuine hero. I want her to set both her prostheses on "Full Terminator" and kick this f**kwad five new a**holes.

      • hunnybee

        perfect memzilla. i would hold her coat. love that Tammy.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Sounds Rose Mc Gowan in Planet Terror like.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Wow…the more I read about her, the more I like her. She disagreed with Bush on the war, but went anyway to fulfill her commitments. Meanwhile, that douchebag doctor pusses out of deployment 'cuz a black dude is sending him.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's kind of like Saxby Chambliss defeating Max Cleland by questioning his patriotism.

    • Occupy V572

      Pretty sure (well, Wikipedia sure) that Walsh has been gerrymandered out of this exurban Chicago district.'s_8th_

      • fuflans

        he has. he's running against hultgren in the 14th.

        tammy's running in the redrawn 8th district that shoeless joe ran away from.

        • If "shoeless joe" is meant to apply to Walsh, you messed up, fu. It's "brainless joe" or "heartless joe," depending on whether you're related to the fucking bastard.

      • not that Dewey

        No way, dude! That's Dan Rostenkowski's old seat? This bodes well. He was gerrymandered out of two different districts, yet he still managed to serve long enough to go to prison.

  • If he is the winner, I want to lose.

  • north_of_moscow

    Any swinging dick can become a father, but it takes some focused effort to be as terrible of a dad as this guy.

    • Any swinging dick can reproduce. It takes hard work to be a FATHER. A FATHER cares for his children. He's the guy you can count on to show up at your school games or your stupid art exhibit, who saves all the clippings of that time you won a spelling bee, or some competition with a whole twelve other kids; who carries you to bed at night after you passed out on the couch in front of the TV, and holds your hand when you're running a fever, sleeping in his chair by your bed all night because, god forbid, the kid should wake up scared and upset. The guy who brings you chicken soup when you're sick and always has a clean handkerchief in his pocket in case one of the kids gets hurt or starts crying; or says, as my dad did, when some rich bitch invited him over and said that children were not invited to her party, "I don't go where my children are not welcome."

      THAT's a FATHER. The others? Breeders and swinging dicks. I.e., Joe Walshes.

  • "I plan to beat my ex-wife to receive the most prestigious award".

    • Fare la Volpe

      That's what we call the "Traditional Marriage Award."

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    He's just runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen his load.

    And takin' it sleazy.

  • That photog is such a mug shot. Who Photoshopped the framed pictures in?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Skipping out on child support is a long held Conservative value. After all, the kids would probably just use the money for abortions and to hang out at OWS.

  • Wilcoxyz

    I can't believe they didn't go with that family court judge in Texas. He seemed so kind and loving.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      True. Look at the hands on time he spent with his daughter.

  • Eat The 1%

    I'm sure his kids are so proud of daddy.

    • I'm sure they vomit for hours after having to spend any time with him at all. Assuming that the worthless bastard actually bothers to show up.

  • poncho_pilot

    the phrase "square-edged dildo monsters" is going to be stuck in my head all day.

    • MissusBarry

      Indeed. I really like this and hope to make it a regular part of my personal lexicon.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Be careful where you stick that!

  • bureaucrap

    The FRC is just going by a biblical view of what constitutes a happy family — A man with authoritarian power, multiple wives, concubines, children they can murder at will (cf. Absalom), large flocks of sheep and goats, and many many many slaves. Ahhh, the good old days…

  • Callyson

    “We thank Cong. Walsh who has voted consistently to defend faith, family and freedom,” said FRCA President Tony Perkins.
    Hey, we said "voting," not "actually taking personal responsibility for"…

    • SorosBot

      They also didn't specify whose families he was defending.

      • It ain't his, that's for damn sure.

        Unless, of course, he's defending them from the suffering imposed by having sufficient munnies to pay for the necessities of life.

        Edited to heap additional coals of snark upon the monster's head.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Why do his children get to "keep the money he earns"?
    Think of the jobs created by letting him "keep the money he earns"!

    To get really crude, I am reminded of something a former co-worker said when tired of being asked for money by another co-worker: "What she mean, she ain't got no money–she got a hole in her ass."

    • ThundercatHo

      Very nice. This should be on a t-shirt, or something.

    • tessiee

      That's awesome.

  • Redhead

    "trying to strip gay people of the chance to ever marry, repealing health care reform and destroying funding for women’s clinics"

    1 – He's just trying to save them from having to pay child support!
    2 – He's just trying to… protect employed people from having to pay for their dependents' health insurance?
    3 – He's… uhhh…. of fuck, I give up.

  • SmutBoffin

    The FRC is just aping the Nobel Peace Prize Cmte., who gave awards to Kissinger and Obama.

  • You know, you can put a tie on a dildo, but it doesn't make it any less of a dick.

    • OTOH, depending on your choice of tie, it CAN make for some very amusing photo-ops.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Dr. Dobson defines your parenting skills by your position on cutting capital gains tax rates.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    A 100 percent pro-family voting record.

    I guess there was no voting at home.

  • CapnFatback

    How nice. I wonder if he'll invite his wife and kids to the ceremony?

  • hollywooddood

    Can he still win the Wonkette Shitbag Sperm Donor of the Year award?

  • Walsh thinks "family values" is just the thrifty approach.

    “Defending American values have always been one of my top priorities…." Repubicans confuse selfishness for American values all the time.

    That "World's Best Dad" mug his kids got him at the Goodwill store will really mean something this year.

    • tessiee

      "That "World's Best Dad" mug his kids got him at the Goodwill store will really mean something this year."

      It may seem like a bit of a chintzy present, until you realize that his kids do ALL their shopping at the Goodwill.

  • MissusBarry

    More like offending family than defending family. So glad this guy spends so much time giving a flying fuck about the family I take all measures to avoid having and fucking over the one he already has. And freedumbz.

    • tessiee

      "More like offending family than defending family"

      Defunding families?

  • Chichikovovich

    I was so excited when I saw this post. The FRC, their syphilitic weasel of a boss named appropriately for Norman Bates, and Walsh. Three of my most loathed things all in one package! But, y'know, after that video of the Texas judge belt-whipping his 16-year old, cerebral palsied daughter (more or less the age of my son) while her mother stands there telling her to submit, and "take it like a woman", I'm just kind of snarked-out right now on the subject of the pestilence that that crowd calls "family values".

  • RedneckMuslin

    It's not like it matters what you do that counts. It's what you say.

  • UnholyMoses

    1. Fail to pay child support and, thus, become a deadbeat dad and horrific example to young men everywhere.

    2. ???

    3. AWARD!

    • Yup, he's a walking, talking, UnderpantsGnomes business plan in action.

  • MrFizzy

    Like giving Jeff Dahmer a Michelin Star.

    • jodyleek

      Well, you must admit the headcheese was delicious!

      • MrFizzy

        Glad it's not near dinnertime. Oh wait……

      • Negropolis

        You two are so very debased. Excellent!

  • McRibzgood

    Man! That Anthony Bourdain's a douche bag.

    • GOPCrusher

      But he eats well. Except for that time in Africa he ate the wildebeest anus.

      • McRibzgood

        They got the McRib in Africa too?

        • horsedreamer_1

          You should be amazed: Wednesday, knowing I neither get to the Arches much and more that the Mc Rib is limited run, I pounded four of those things.

        • You sick little puppy, you.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Who says the Illinois Dems don't have a sense of humor. Their redistricting plan matches Joe up against fellow freshman congressman, Randy 'the hulk' Hultgren in the 2012 Republican primary!

  • orygoon

    The prize that goes along with this award is a fun trip to Disney with the kids.

  • barto

    Paraphrasing Linus' famous quip about mankind, "He loves families, it's relatives he can't stand."

  • Video of belt beating or GTFO.

  • Fare la Volpe

    He was also nominated for the Newt Gingrich Award for Marriage Sanctity, the Herman Cain Award for Business Ethics, and the Mark Foley Award for Youth Outreach.

    • tessiee

      As well as the Chris Christie Fitness Award.

      • not that Dewey

        And the George W. Bush Small Government Award.

        • Negropolis

          And the Laura Welch Bush Excellence in the Driving Arts Award.

          • not that Dewey

            You saw that Mitt Romney also killed somebody in a car when he was young, right?

          • Negropolis

            I was aware he did mission work in France, but I didn't know he killed a dude in 1968.

            You hear that, y'all? Mitt Romeny killed a dude in France in 1968.

  • owhatever

    As usual with the good Rev. Dobson, this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

  • arihaya

    fuck him, fuck him with Washington Monument-sized dildo laced with every known STD on the planet

  • chascates

    "Life's Been Good"

    I have a mansion
    Forget the price
    Ain't never been there
    They tell me it's nice

    -Joe Walsh

  • FraAnima

    It's the Rocky Mountain Way, baby.

  • DetectiveGrey

    You know, there's a magical potion you can drink that lets you forget about things like this.

    • fuflans

      i can haz some plez?

      • DetectiveGrey

        Sure, look under the kitchen sink. It's the big, white jug that says 'BLEACH' on it.

  • Well, he does have strong moral/religious convictions about being a complete cocksucker.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    I'm going to form a new national advocacy group, and call it "Fuckus on the Family"

  • Nostrildamus

    Walsh is working hard to put fuck on his family.

  • El Pinche

    Weird. I just got the Sobriety Man of the Year award. Life is funny!

  • Mahousu

    Walsh considers his family to be priceless. He's not willing to spend a dime on them.

  • Occupy V572

    This is the moral equivalent of the wingtards saying there's no such thing as sexual harassment. Now apparently there's no such thing as deadbeat dads, either.

  • finallyhappy

    Snark- off- FRC is a bunch of lying homophobic assholes. We've had their dishonest bigoted crap here in MD. I perfectly understand why they would give this deadbeat an award. Perfectly in keeping with their agenda.

  • "The Family Research Council is proud to give the Congressman this award for his groundbreaking research in 'How Long A Family Can Survive Without Financial Support'".

  • rocktonsam

    he is pro family alright, just not his own.


  • HateMachine

    Oh, come on. Avoiding any sort of paternal responsibility is definitely an American value.

  • Rotundo_

    And the irony of this award began to compress further and further until it it formed the most dense material in the universe. And became a plank in the republican party platform. If it ever comes in contact with empathetic and rational thought or action the fucker will explode and leave the fabric of the universe in shreds.

  • fuflans

    i know i've said this before, but is there ANY ugly trait the baggers don't exhibit on an almost daily basis?

    all i can come up with is patchouli but that doesn't really count.

    • LetUsBray

      They're only guilty of cannibalism in a metaphorical sense. As far as I know, at least.

    • I'd rather be awash in a sea of stale patchouli interlaced with BO and unwashed bodily effluvia than contact the hateful stink that is teabaggage for even a second.

  • Tommmcattt

    I am proud and honored to be recognized by the Family Research Council as the only member from Illinois with a 100 percent pro-family voting record…

    He is also proud and honored to have scored 100% on the secret, most-important qualification for recognition: Closeted Blowjobbing

  • Negropolis

    This is like the KKK winning an NAACP honorary Image Award or Great Expectations Award or Meritorious Service Award.

  • tessiee

    Years ago, when I lived in North Carolina, some douchehound said that single mothers were "against family values".
    Me [ranting]: In what fucked up universe are *mothers and children* anti-family?
    Co-worker: You don't get it. "Family" is Republican for "father".

  • tessiee

    "“I am proud and honored to be recognized by the Family Research Council as the only member from Illinois with a 100 percent pro-family voting record,” Walsh said in a news release."

    Runner-up Josef Fritzl was unavailable for comment.

  • tessiee

    "repealing health care reform and destroying funding for women’s clinics"

    So, let me see if I can make sense of this. *Women* shouldn't have health care and clinics — which we all know *really* means they'll run right out and get birth control and abortions — blah blah blabbity blah wharrgarrbl *personal responsibility*… Won't someone think of the childrenz?
    But see, now, if *men* want to walk away whistling from their wives and kids, now that's *completely different* because, um… blah blah blabbity blah wharrgarrbl *personal freedom*… The bitch coulda had an abortion, but she didn't, so now it's her problem… So then we don't have to think of the childrenz…
    *shuffles toe of shoe on ground*
    Nah, I got nothin' here.
    He's a turd.

  • Schmegeg

    Is there any way to seize this award and apply it to his child support?

  • not that Dewey

    Joe Walsh has a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction that he doesn't have to support his own family, therefore it's okay!

  • BZ1

    Irony is officially dead

    • WootInTarnation

      The number of times irony dies in a typical week has convinced me that the Buddhists got it right on reincarnation. Either that or irony's the Supreme Cat Goddess possessing 9 to the infinite power of lives.

  • I know what I'd like to give him, and it ain't called Oscar.

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