you gotta make your own fun in south carolina

Important Newz Regarding First Amendment Rights And Truck Nutz

Symbol of freedom or terrorism?Our most critical free speech rights continue to hang in the balance today: “The highly anticipated jury trial for a woman ticketed for dangling Bulls Balls from the trailer hitch of her truck has been postponed, for a third time,” according to, yes, ABC News. AMERICA WEEPS BITTERLY, because justice is elusive. And yet it rejoices, too, to learn that out of the sands of time and our nation’s enduring adventures in plastic novelty testicles there has arisen this marvelous thing the “Trial of the Truck Nutz” starring Virginia Tice, a 65-year-old South Carolina woman we heard about this summer who decided to fight her $445 public obscenity ticket by taking it to court.

Tice argues that her First Amendment rights allow her to hang decorative balls wherever she likes, whereas other town officials argue this is just a massive waste of time. WE ARE WITH TICE.

Chief Fuda said he does not see the humor in this eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy.

Bischoff said the case is a waste of town resources and time.

“It would seem very resonable to say they have spent more money than it is worth at this point,” he said.

He said he only continues his role because he believes his client has not done anything illegal and should not have to pay $445 of hard-earned money.

You’re welcome. Happy Friday. [ABC News; thanks to Wonkette Operative “Scott L.”]

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  • nounverb911

    Every man in SC wishes he had as big a pair as Tice has.

    • poncho_pilot

      i thought South Carolina was the man boob capitol of the world?

      • Occupy V572

        Mississippi would contest that proposition, if they could spell "proposition."

        • chicken_thief

          NJ (#9 Least Obese) might have had a shot at Least Obese if not for the fat fuck Governor.

    • YouBetcha

      On behalf of womankind, let me remind you boys that we really don't care how big they are. In fact, the smaller they are, the bigger everything in their vicinity appears in relation to them.

      Leave the large, dangling sacks for truckz.

      • Generation[redacted]

        "Hello, doc? Looks like I need to cancel my appointment for ball enlargement surgery. Turns out the li'l lady isn't going like my double-Ds after all"

      • widestanceshakedown

        Two (overly large) berries, one (proportionally small) twig is not this ghey's dream, either.

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          Hitler
          Has only got one ball
          Goerring
          Has two, but very small
          Himmler
          Has something sim'lar
          And poor old Goebbels
          Has no balls
          at all

          (To the tune of "The Col. Bogey March")

          • OccupytheDashboard

            I would donate a large sum of money to her favorite charity to see Lizzie singing this while wearing a French marquis outfit.

        • YouBetcha

          Sorry, should have included the gheys in my "on behalf of".

          • widestanceshakedown

            Don't give it a second thought, YB. Mostly, I just hadn't used the twig/berry analogy for some time, and you provided me the opportunity. And you are so right, who wants balls so big even one is more than a mouthful?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Ah, it's the thought that counts….

  • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    BALLS FREE OR DIE

  • Tundra Grifter

    If public bulls' balls were illegal, wouldn't they have to give a ticket to every cowboy in Texas?

    • WunkRocker

      Or even this shady character
      2049462-the-famous-wall-street-bull-0.jpg (600×449) http://bit.ly/tdw8IA

      • Generation[redacted]

        Give Wall Street a ticket. They can mail in the fine or appear in court to plead no lo contendre, and get a reduced fine if they agree to put boxer shorts on it. It would be the most severe punishment yet.

      • bureaucrap

        from the photo, it's clear that people have been rubbing the bull's balls for good luck. Or just to see what happens.

      • James Michael Curley

        One brass, the part most touched is always tarnish free. Those wall streeters re weird.

        • Tundra Grifter

          I prefer the lion's tail in front of the Chicago Art Institute.

          • James Michael Curley

            And Marc Chagall’s windows – I’d hate to have the job cleaning them.

      • Tundra Grifter

        So it takes bronze balls to sell stocks and bonds?

        Along with puts and calls, of course. But enough about Herman Cain.

        • tessiee

          "Along with puts and calls, of course. But enough about Herman Cain."

          If we're talking about Herman Cain, it should be *putz* and calls.

          • Tundra Grifter

            tessiee:

            Yes! Putz and call girls would have kept him out of trouble. Unless, of course, one of the working girls talked and he became Client # 9-9-9.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not to mention putting BVDs, or at least a jockstrap, on all the bulls.

    • flamingpdog

      And shut down every restaurant that serves Rocky Mountain oysters? Or at least make suckers, er, peoplez wear blindfolds while eating them.

  • nounverb911

    Now we know where Lindsey Graham's manhood went.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Right. Like he ever had a pair.

    • Not_So_Much

      Hint: It's long and black and full of seaman.

      • chicken_thief

        A submarine?!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    I've learned tons of toddlers are allergic to truck nutz.

    'be careful' is all i'm saying.

    • Not_So_Much

      People are feeding these to toddlers? They should be on trial.

      • chicken_thief

        Unless, of course, they have a sincere religious or moral conviction to do so.

  • AlterNewt

    The 'Trucknutz trial' will not be televised.

  • CapnFatback

    Welp, South Carolina, the balls're in your court.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She should take this case all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Wish the DNC could grow some of those.

    • dennis1943

      I believe that may have been the subliminal message……….

  • CarnyTrash

    Today we are all eight inch life-like simulates of the male anatomy.

    • AlterNewt

      "Two of us, two of us!"

  • Zombie_Reagan

    I thought having a truck that big meant you had a small penis?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Maybe she does.

      (But I ain't gonna check.)

      • user-of-owls

        Girl boners FTW!

    • SorosBot

      She's a woman, so maybe compensating for small tits?

      • flamingpdog

        So mebbe this is what Limeylizzie drives?

    • OccupytheDashboard

      In this case, maybe a floppy labia?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I hope this goes to the Supreme Court because I want to hear Scalia explain what the founding fathers thought about Truck Nutz.

    • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

      that's sure to be quite a mouthful

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Especially for the teabaggers.

        • user-of-owls

          And Clarence.

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            At least he would have a nice Coke to wash it down.

          • user-of-owls

            I'm sorry, I didn't hear you well. Did you say he'd have a nice Koch to wash it down?

    • prommie

      You know Scalia, he thinks The Federalist Papers are part of the constitution, and you know Alexander Hamilton was in favor of including the "Freedom of the Codsack" in the Bill of Rights, so, its pretty predictable what Scalia will say.

      • tessiee

        Also, George Washington was renowned for his wooden carriage bollocks.

    • Not_So_Much

      Scrote v. Scotus?

    • SorosBot

      It could produce one of the most entertaining Supreme Court opinions since Justice Souter discussed 2 Live Crew lyrics.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Ever since that case established a fair-use exception for parody, I've been hoping that somebody would bring out a perfectly legal edition of Air Pirates Funnies.

    • flamingpdog

      I would think the Founding Fathers would have spoken more directly to these.

      • KathrynSane

        I saw the URL and was hoping so hard that these were TruckNutz for horse-drawn carriages. I guess there wouldn't be much of a market for them, since the Amish are the only people who use them anymore and something tells me they wouldn't be big fans.

        • tessiee

          "hoping so hard that these were TruckNutz for horse-drawn carriages"

          Wouldn't that be somewhat redundant?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is a well establish fact that the Founders rebelled against King George because of his edict against "coach conkers" in 1775. This led to the first Tea Party Rebellion, where in patriots plunged their nuts into Boston Harbor.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Swing free or die!

  • Barb

    I'll give you my bumper balls when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!

  • hagajim

    Can I dangle my balls where I would like? I would love to see those assholes on the SCOTUS rule that I can indeed dangle my balls wherever I like….as long as consent is involved of course.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You might have to get a ruling from SCROTUS.

  • user-of-owls

    After the trial of a dead pop star's crackpot doctor, this is the most important judicial event in our republic's history.

    • Occupy V572

      B-but he killed Jacko!

  • PuckStopsHere

    They can have my balls when they pry them from my cold dead fingers. Maybe. I might just want to hang on to them, even then. I'll get back to you on this.

  • Tundra Grifter

    It still takes brass balls to sell real estate!

  • SoBeach

    If they ban Truck Nutz the only way I'll be able to spot those people is the sticker of Calvin peeing on a Ford/Chevy logo.

    • Not_So_Much

      Around this dystopian hellscape, Ford/Chevy and Obama as well. Also.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I saw one with Calvin peeing on the words "Osama bin Laden". It was like they were too lazy to render his image. "Eh, fuck it," said the decal artiste. "I'm not sure that I even knows what an A-rab looks like."

  • hagajim

    So if ABC reported this…was is George Steponnutulus who was reporting?

  • HalluxValgus

    "eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy." I don't want to live in a world where 8 inch balls are considered "life like."

    • CapnFatback

      It's like a tea bag to the eyes!

    • not that Dewey

      You've got Long Balls, Larry!

      • proudgrampa

        LongballsLarry will be the new name of a Wonketteer, I'll bet.

      • tessiee

        So does Cisco Adler.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't think Virginia Tice should be able to cram truck nutz down our throats. All that tea baggin' shit was bad enough.

  • SorosBot

    This trial is totally nuts, it's balls-to-the-wall crazy.

    • AlterNewt

      …and…SO on!!

    • flamingpdog

      Testiclefy, brother!

    • tessiee

      They've got the whole package.

  • Chichikovovich

    The key point to remember is that she is hanging these Trucknutz from her pickup out of a "sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction".

    • user-of-owls

      That's gay.

  • user-of-owls

    I thought we settled all this with Testicles United v. Federal Erection Commission.

    • CapnFatback

      Didn't that end with a hung jury?

      • user-of-owls

        Yup, it was 2-2.

        • flamingpdog

          Federal Erection Emission.

          /fixed

          • LiveToServeYa

            That was enshrined in our national Penal Code.

      • tessiee

        "Didn't that end with a hung jury?"

        Sheriff Bart's friend: They told me you was hung.
        Sheriff Bart: And they was right!

    • chicken_thief

      But that decision just dealt with the low hanging fruit and not the meat of the matter.

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      Rod vs Chode, actually

  • slithytoves

    She's 65 and she had these things hanging on her truck? Jesus, I'd hate to imagine what's hanging from her mouth.

    • user-of-owls

      I think we can safely rule out teeth. My money's on "Corn Cob Pipe." I'm quaint that way.

  • not that Dewey

    “It would seem very resonable to say they have spent more money than it is worth at this point,”

    Just what is the financial worth to society of prosecuting TruckNutz? Can we even really put a price tag on this?

    • user-of-owls

      As Jimmy Cagney would ask, "What price glory?"

    • tessiee

      "Just what is the financial worth to society of prosecuting TruckNutz?"

      Especially when you consider the value of TruckNutz to society as a warning.

  • WunkRocker
  • Pragmatist2

    I am planning to start selling Mojo Cojones, same concept just a slightly darker color.

    • Occupy V572

      Show us the birf certificat!

  • RadioOcupados

    You can't yell "TRUCKNUTZ" in a crowded theater.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    I saw a pickup truck with a "Rick Perry–Let's Fix America" bumper sticker. THAT was offensive. Truck Nutz not so much.

    • user-of-owls

      Really, what is the difference America?

    • OccupytheDashboard

      "Rick Perry–Let's Fix Fist America"

      fixed

    • Chichikovovich

      And by "fix" I assume he meant "cut the nuts off"?

      "Rick Perry – A Veterinarian for America's Restlessness"

  • SmutBoffin

    THIS TRIAL WILL BE LIKE 'INHERIT THE WIND' + 'A FEW GOOD MEN' * 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD' TO THE POWER OF 'IDIOCRACY'.

    • Nostrildamus

      NEEDS MORE "ARISTOCRATS"!!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is the state that sent Jim DeMint and Jeff Duncan to Congress … how fussy can they be about public obscenities?

  • Schmannnity

    "free speech rights continue to hang in the balance."

    Heh heh heh, she said hang.

  • CapnFatback

    Yes, Virginia, there is a ban on balls.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Upfist for scansion.

  • Tommmcattt

    So, does this "free speech" thing of which you speak only apply to plastic testicles? 'Cuz I have a little message I'd like to deliver to Mitt Romney…

  • user-of-owls

    People, I just want to say, you know, can't we just all get it on?

  • prommie

    $445? Thats almost 3 months pad rent for the double-wide.

    • flamingpdog

      Still cheaper than driving alone in the HOV lane, and mouthing off about it.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Jeebus would drive around in his trucknutz-enhanced Hummer, with a shotgun in the back, and Confederate flag rear window decal.

  • salt_bagel

    And then when they came for the truck clits, nobody said anything…

    • Millennial Malaise

      Probably because they couldn't find them.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Psst, dude, the canoe is up on the roof rack.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Maybe I should re-think buying that Prius vagina.

    • tessiee

      Or you could trade it in for a Ford Clit-Taurus.

  • poncho_pilot

    anyway, this is fucking stupid. just let her have her fucking trucknutz. and nobody better say anything when i attach a larger-than-life size anatomically correct model of hermaphroditic human genitalia to the hood of my car or the side car that looks like a remote controlled pink dildo.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Tranny Van FTW!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Time for GM to release the "Ace & Gary" coupe

    • Toomush_Infer

      Open up, Eternal Lips, and swaller me…..

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Oh Mrs. Tice…truly your balls DO hang low.

    • mavenmaven

      Didn't Perry say he'd be swinging those all over Washington?

      • Generation[redacted]

        TruckNutz on every vehicle in the Presidential motorcade.

    • user-of-owls

      And thus they join the hallowed ranks of Sweet Chariots and The Fat Tits of a Certain Nosy Cameraman.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        Those are new to me.

    • flamingpdog

      ♪ Hang down your balls, Tom Dooley. ♪

      (OK, different Carolina, but those Carolinas all look alike.)

  • prommie

    There is an important principle at stake here, freedom of gratuitous vulgarity.

  • coolhandnuke

    Tice is one Gamecock.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Ruh roh…Drivers of Dodge autos may soon be in trouble:
    http://cheezburger.com/View/1757897472

  • user-of-owls

    The legal precedent for this was settled long ago:

    "Whatever hangs upon two nuts is an enemy."

  • YasserArraFeck

    She's 65 – they're not balls, they're her tits, and she really needs a car bra.

  • El Pinche

    Behold, Scrotvember has begun.

    • Generation[redacted]

      'Tis the Christnutz season.

      • flamingpdog

        Sackrilidge, good sir!

    • Toomush_Infer

      You log…

  • McRibzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Nutz"

  • Callyson

    Defense attorney Scott Bischoff's office confirmed the continuance was issued at the court's request — possibly until December…Tice's case was originally scheduled to go to jury in August.
    Dragging this out for months, are we? Looks like the DA is going balls – out on this case…

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Anticipating a hung jury

  • Crank_Tango

    This will go down in the pantheon of great SCOTUS decisions,
    TruckNutz v. Board of Education,
    TruckNutz v. Wade.
    TruckNutz v. Gore…

    • flamingpdog

      Is TruckNutz v. Gore the reajudication of TruckBush v. Gore?

  • coolhandnuke

    When this case does go to trial, I'll bet my left nut that it will end up in a hung jury.

  • IncenseDebate

    When trucknutz are illegal, only criminals will have any balls.

  • chicken_thief

    If Ginny had just painted a Confederate flag on the fuckers there wouldn't be an issue.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    How do we know they're human balls anyway. They look pretty big:

    Is this corporate logo next on the (ahem) chopping block?

    http://ceoworld.biz/ceo/wp-content/uploads/2008/1

    :::big motherfucking edit:::

  • kingcocrazy

    Emasculating an F-150 and emasculating the First Amendment are one in the same!

  • comrad_darkness

    Seriously, are we required to gird the testicles of dogs while walking them?

  • lulzmonger

    OCCUPY TRUCKNUTZ!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I keep telling them that I have a First Amendment right to hang my balls out when I go to the local park, but the cops just won't listen.

  • coolhandnuke

    It will be a proud and victorious day in this land, when a pair of wingnutz are dangling from all of our trailer hitches.

  • Ancient_Hacker

    Remember who else obsessed about having Non Standard Nutz (as a result of WW1 injuries)?

    • Chichikovovich

      The name escapes me. But I do remember that one of his collaborators had two of them, but they were very small.

      • PubOption

        And a propagandist who had no balls at all. (Sounds a bit like some talk radio 'personalities').

    • Mahousu

      John McCain. C'mon, ask a tougher one next time.

    • IncenseDebate

      Madalf Heatlump (Who had only one).

      • tessiee

        Meatloaf Headlamp (who would do anything for love).

  • Arken

    They can have my truck nutz when they repossess them from my cold, dead pickup.

  • OneYieldRegular

    #Occupy trailer hitches!

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    You want the TruckNutz? You can't handle the TruckNutz!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Did you order a code blue (balls)?!

    • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

      My nuts, on the other hand ….

  • IncenseDebate

    A stupid red neck society, being necessary to the humor and revulsion of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Truck Nutz, shall not be infringed.

    • Generation[redacted]

      The Founding Fathers were talking about nutz made of wood and brass, they never envisioned the advanced synthetic materials of today. One modern day truck can carry more nutz than an entire wagon train of their time.

  • Redhead

    Well no wonder. Wiminz aren't allowed to drive in SC.

  • GregComlish

    "If you want a picture of the future, imagine an oversized pair of plastic novelty testicles teabagging a human face — forever"

    George Orwell

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Two skin bad! Foreskin good!

    • Negropolis

      I can't even begin to tell you how much you've won for that.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Having a fake scrotum on my car = freedom.

    Having a real scrotum on my chin = terrorists have won.

  • MrFizzy

    Plastic balls hanging from a truck = pornography. W, the President bumper sticker = free speech. Something not right with this.

  • owhatever

    Tice is a trailblazer. If she wins, I'm putting a Kortney cucumber on the hood of my car.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, no wonder it was put off. 'Public obscenity' is an obvious mistake. It should be 'privates obscenity'.

  • cheetojeebus

    It's so hard to come up with a good pun, I'm racking my brain here and I got nuttin.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Admitting that could get you sacked.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

      Really? There's a vas deferens between the two…

      • cheetojeebus

        I'm tellin' ya, I'm sitting here dipping my teabag in this mug and scratching my head and zilch, nadda, nulla, nuttin…

    • tessiee

      Really? I've got a whole batch of 'em.

  • DemonicRage

    Are most of these decorative objects manufactured in China? Just wondering.

  • fuflans

    today, it really is a great day in south carolina.

    suck on that nikki!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Bah! Humballs!

  • Nostrildamus

    I look forward to TLC's seven part docudrama starring Lindsay Lohan.

  • a_pink_poodle

    I just want to take a hedge sheer to every Truck Nutz I see…

  • tessiee

    An excellent story for Nut-vember!

  • Negropolis

    So, let me get this straight, attaching some false balls to your truck is a vulgarity and a crime, but there is absolutely nothing vulgar about flying the confederate flag over the capitol, or having those tacky-assed confederate flag stickers plastered all over your window or bumper?

    Good to know.

  • tessiee

    It's freaking South Carolina; fake nuts are the LEAST offensive thing they drag behind trucks there.

  • ttommyunger

    I don't know why I should be, but I'm embarrassed for everybody involved in this unseemly misadventure.

  • zappadoo76

    First they came for the TruckNutz, but I didn't speak out, because I didn't have any TruckNutz. Then they came for the remote-controlled dildos….