you gotta make your own fun in south carolina

Important Newz Regarding First Amendment Rights And Truck Nutz

Symbol of freedom or terrorism?Our most critical free speech rights continue to hang in the balance today: “The highly anticipated jury trial for a woman ticketed for dangling Bulls Balls from the trailer hitch of her truck has been postponed, for a third time,” according to, yes, ABC News. AMERICA WEEPS BITTERLY, because justice is elusive. And yet it rejoices, too, to learn that out of the sands of time and our nation’s enduring adventures in plastic novelty testicles there has arisen this marvelous thing the “Trial of the Truck Nutz” starring Virginia Tice, a 65-year-old South Carolina woman we heard about this summer who decided to fight her $445 public obscenity ticket by taking it to court.

Tice argues that her First Amendment rights allow her to hang decorative balls wherever she likes, whereas other town officials argue this is just a massive waste of time. WE ARE WITH TICE.

Chief Fuda said he does not see the humor in this eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy.

Bischoff said the case is a waste of town resources and time.

“It would seem very resonable to say they have spent more money than it is worth at this point,” he said.

He said he only continues his role because he believes his client has not done anything illegal and should not have to pay $445 of hard-earned money.

You’re welcome. Happy Friday. [ABC News; thanks to Wonkette Operative "Scott L."]

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190 comments

    1. YouBetcha

      On behalf of womankind, let me remind you boys that we really don't care how big they are. In fact, the smaller they are, the bigger everything in their vicinity appears in relation to them.

      Leave the large, dangling sacks for truckz.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        "Hello, doc? Looks like I need to cancel my appointment for ball enlargement surgery. Turns out the li'l lady isn't going like my double-Ds after all"

      2. widestanceshakedown

        Two (overly large) berries, one (proportionally small) twig is not this ghey's dream, either.

        1. Dok-cupy Everything

          Hitler
          Has only got one ball
          Goerring
          Has two, but very small
          Himmler
          Has something sim'lar
          And poor old Goebbels
          Has no balls
          at all

          (To the tune of "The Col. Bogey March")

          1. OccupytheDashboard

            I would donate a large sum of money to her favorite charity to see Lizzie singing this while wearing a French marquis outfit.

          1. widestanceshakedown

            Don't give it a second thought, YB. Mostly, I just hadn't used the twig/berry analogy for some time, and you provided me the opportunity. And you are so right, who wants balls so big even one is more than a mouthful?

  1. Tundra Grifter

    If public bulls' balls were illegal, wouldn't they have to give a ticket to every cowboy in Texas?

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Give Wall Street a ticket. They can mail in the fine or appear in court to plead no lo contendre, and get a reduced fine if they agree to put boxer shorts on it. It would be the most severe punishment yet.

      2. bureaucrap

        from the photo, it's clear that people have been rubbing the bull's balls for good luck. Or just to see what happens.

      3. James Michael Curley

        One brass, the part most touched is always tarnish free. Those wall streeters re weird.

      4. Tundra Grifter

        So it takes bronze balls to sell stocks and bonds?

        Along with puts and calls, of course. But enough about Herman Cain.

        1. tessiee

          "Along with puts and calls, of course. But enough about Herman Cain."

          If we're talking about Herman Cain, it should be *putz* and calls.

          1. Tundra Grifter

            tessiee:

            Yes! Putz and call girls would have kept him out of trouble. Unless, of course, one of the working girls talked and he became Client # 9-9-9.

    1. flamingpdog

      And shut down every restaurant that serves Rocky Mountain oysters? Or at least make suckers, er, peoplez wear blindfolds while eating them.

    1. prommie

      You know Scalia, he thinks The Federalist Papers are part of the constitution, and you know Alexander Hamilton was in favor of including the "Freedom of the Codsack" in the Bill of Rights, so, its pretty predictable what Scalia will say.

      1. Dok-cupy Everything

        Ever since that case established a fair-use exception for parody, I've been hoping that somebody would bring out a perfectly legal edition of Air Pirates Funnies.

      1. KathrynSane

        I saw the URL and was hoping so hard that these were TruckNutz for horse-drawn carriages. I guess there wouldn't be much of a market for them, since the Amish are the only people who use them anymore and something tells me they wouldn't be big fans.

        1. tessiee

          "hoping so hard that these were TruckNutz for horse-drawn carriages"

          Wouldn't that be somewhat redundant?

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is a well establish fact that the Founders rebelled against King George because of his edict against "coach conkers" in 1775. This led to the first Tea Party Rebellion, where in patriots plunged their nuts into Boston Harbor.

  2. hagajim

    Can I dangle my balls where I would like? I would love to see those assholes on the SCOTUS rule that I can indeed dangle my balls wherever I like….as long as consent is involved of course.

  3. user-of-owls

    After the trial of a dead pop star's crackpot doctor, this is the most important judicial event in our republic's history.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    They can have my balls when they pry them from my cold dead fingers. Maybe. I might just want to hang on to them, even then. I'll get back to you on this.

  5. SoBeach

    If they ban Truck Nutz the only way I'll be able to spot those people is the sticker of Calvin peeing on a Ford/Chevy logo.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I saw one with Calvin peeing on the words "Osama bin Laden". It was like they were too lazy to render his image. "Eh, fuck it," said the decal artiste. "I'm not sure that I even knows what an A-rab looks like."

  6. HalluxValgus

    "eight inch life-like simulate of the male anatomy." I don't want to live in a world where 8 inch balls are considered "life like."

  7. Tundra Grifter

    I don't think Virginia Tice should be able to cram truck nutz down our throats. All that tea baggin' shit was bad enough.

  8. Chichikovovich

    The key point to remember is that she is hanging these Trucknutz from her pickup out of a "sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction".

      1. tessiee

        "Didn't that end with a hung jury?"

        Sheriff Bart's friend: They told me you was hung.
        Sheriff Bart: And they was right!

  9. slithytoves

    She's 65 and she had these things hanging on her truck? Jesus, I'd hate to imagine what's hanging from her mouth.

  10. not that Dewey

    “It would seem very resonable to say they have spent more money than it is worth at this point,”

    Just what is the financial worth to society of prosecuting TruckNutz? Can we even really put a price tag on this?

    1. tessiee

      "Just what is the financial worth to society of prosecuting TruckNutz?"

      Especially when you consider the value of TruckNutz to society as a warning.

    1. Chichikovovich

      And by "fix" I assume he meant "cut the nuts off"?

      "Rick Perry – A Veterinarian for America's Restlessness"

  11. SmutBoffin

    THIS TRIAL WILL BE LIKE 'INHERIT THE WIND' + 'A FEW GOOD MEN' * 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD' TO THE POWER OF 'IDIOCRACY'.

  12. Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is the state that sent Jim DeMint and Jeff Duncan to Congress … how fussy can they be about public obscenities?

  13. Tommmcattt

    So, does this "free speech" thing of which you speak only apply to plastic testicles? 'Cuz I have a little message I'd like to deliver to Mitt Romney…

  14. poncho_pilot

    anyway, this is fucking stupid. just let her have her fucking trucknutz. and nobody better say anything when i attach a larger-than-life size anatomically correct model of hermaphroditic human genitalia to the hood of my car or the side car that looks like a remote controlled pink dildo.

    1. user-of-owls

      And thus they join the hallowed ranks of Sweet Chariots and The Fat Tits of a Certain Nosy Cameraman.

    2. flamingpdog

      ♪ Hang down your balls, Tom Dooley. ♪

      (OK, different Carolina, but those Carolinas all look alike.)

  15. Callyson

    Defense attorney Scott Bischoff's office confirmed the continuance was issued at the court's request — possibly until December…Tice's case was originally scheduled to go to jury in August.
    Dragging this out for months, are we? Looks like the DA is going balls – out on this case…

  16. Crank_Tango

    This will go down in the pantheon of great SCOTUS decisions,
    TruckNutz v. Board of Education,
    TruckNutz v. Wade.
    TruckNutz v. Gore…

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I keep telling them that I have a First Amendment right to hang my balls out when I go to the local park, but the cops just won't listen.

  18. coolhandnuke

    It will be a proud and victorious day in this land, when a pair of wingnutz are dangling from all of our trailer hitches.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The name escapes me. But I do remember that one of his collaborators had two of them, but they were very small.

      1. PubOption

        And a propagandist who had no balls at all. (Sounds a bit like some talk radio 'personalities').

  19. IncenseDebate

    A stupid red neck society, being necessary to the humor and revulsion of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Truck Nutz, shall not be infringed.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The Founding Fathers were talking about nutz made of wood and brass, they never envisioned the advanced synthetic materials of today. One modern day truck can carry more nutz than an entire wagon train of their time.

  20. GregComlish

    "If you want a picture of the future, imagine an oversized pair of plastic novelty testicles teabagging a human face — forever"

    George Orwell

  21. widestanceshakedown

    Having a fake scrotum on my car = freedom.

    Having a real scrotum on my chin = terrorists have won.

  22. MrFizzy

    Plastic balls hanging from a truck = pornography. W, the President bumper sticker = free speech. Something not right with this.

  23. LiveToServeYa

    Well, no wonder it was put off. 'Public obscenity' is an obvious mistake. It should be 'privates obscenity'.

    1. Dok-cupy Everything

      I don't know whether I'm coming or going!

      Really? There's a vas deferens between the two…

      1. cheetojeebus

        I'm tellin' ya, I'm sitting here dipping my teabag in this mug and scratching my head and zilch, nadda, nulla, nuttin…

  24. Negropolis

    So, let me get this straight, attaching some false balls to your truck is a vulgarity and a crime, but there is absolutely nothing vulgar about flying the confederate flag over the capitol, or having those tacky-assed confederate flag stickers plastered all over your window or bumper?

    Good to know.

  25. ttommyunger

    I don't know why I should be, but I'm embarrassed for everybody involved in this unseemly misadventure.

  26. zappadoo76

    First they came for the TruckNutz, but I didn't speak out, because I didn't have any TruckNutz. Then they came for the remote-controlled dildos….

Comments are closed.