for serious this time

Rick Perry Pretty Much Compares Himself To Jesus On Teevee


Here is Sean Hannity interviewing Rick Perry in a moodily lit room full of farming implements, and boy is there ever a lot of sexual tension. Just make out already, you two! But okay okay, if we had to choose our favorite Rick Perry pick-up line from this “gay hillbilly courtship rituals” documentary short, it’s this one (starting at 3:38) where he says, “The corporate tax lawyers in Washington D.C., they hate me the way, you know, the devil hates holy water,” only because it is a little bit unusual even for one of the egomaniacal brand of human who runs for U.S. President to basically equate himself to the evil-repelling tears of Jesus.

But that’s Rick Perry for you! And in the next breath he promises to be Shiva the Destroyer and “take a wrecking ball to Washington when it comes to those tax issues, when it comes to those regulations.” He is a warrior! And also holy. He is a holy warrior, or …a jihadist, you might say.

Rick Perry is going to do wrecking ball jihad on everything in America. Here he is in another interview published today with more of this balls business, in the San Francisco Chronicle:

In a wide-ranging interview with The Chronicle, the governor defined his embattled presidential campaign as one that offers voters a leader with “the courage to walk into Washington, D.C.,” and “take a wrecking ball, a sledgehammer – whatever it takes to break up the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality that is putting this country’s future in jeopardy.”

Is Rick Perry aware of anything he says at all? Because according to that last sentence, he would also smash his own head in if elected President. [News Hounds/ SFGate]

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209 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Rick Perry Pretty Much Compares Himself To Jesus On Teevee"
    Then why is Texas still having a drought?

    1. HateMachine

      Because Rick Perry moves in mysterious ways.

      Especially while giving speeches in New Hampshire, high on maple syrup fumes.

  2. nounverb911

    "Rick Perry Pretty Much Compares Himself To Jesus On Teevee"
    Have you put out the fires in Texas yet?

  3. nounverb911

    "Rick Perry Pretty Much Compares Himself To Jesus On Teevee"
    Then why did the Rangers lose the World Series?

  4. Callyson

    Texas Gov. Rick Perry, on a fundraising swing in California, spoke at length for the first time Wednesday about his eyebrow-raising address in New Hampshire last week that has gone viral on the Internet, saying it was "a pretty typical speech for me"
    Incoherent, full of senseless drivel, and overrated…yep, that's pretty typical for Perry…

  5. Callyson

    Also, Hannity's laugh after Perry's holy water line is a gem. You can tell he is thinking "Butch, get over yourself." For once I agree with Hannity…

  6. Gurkman

    The only way to "secure the border" is to destroy the U.S. economy so much that there is no longer any incentive to cross the border. I wouldn't put that beyond today's GOP, though.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Left unsaid is what he'd bring in to replace the good-old-boy corporate lobbyists:
      his own collection of good-old-boy corporate lobbyists.

      Bush and Cheney's buddies had their big feed at the trough, now it's time for Perry's buddies to get in on the action.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    "…whatever it takes to break up the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality that is putting this country’s future in jeopardy.”

    But enough about Herman Cain's previous career.

    Do you believe he tried to bang that chick?

  8. JustPixelz

    The government is out of money, so Ricky will have bring his own cross and nails to Washington.

    In related news, Jesus shot himself today after watching the Perry interview. Friends shrugged the suicide off, saying "don't worry, he'll be back".

    Another Republican who thinks he is or talks to Jesus. So what else is new?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Perhaps one should take a page from psychologist Milton Erickson, and say to these sociopaths with Jesus complexes, "So I understand you're a carpenter – you know, I've been wanting to have some bookshelves built…"

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Are you sure Perry was comparing himself to Jesus in the interview, or was he just saying "Oh God, Oh God!" as Hannity fellated him?

  10. Terry

    "whatever it takes to break up the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality that is putting this country’s future in jeopardy.”"

    Psst. Rick. Over here. You know those guys who give you checks? Most of them are corporate lobbyists.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Exactly. And their mentality right as of this moment appears to be: "Let's start giving our checks to someone besides Rick Perry." No wonder Rick wants to crush that mentality quick and hard.

    2. weejee

      the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality

      Terry, do you think Ricky was trying to be clever by not saying the good-old-cowboy lobbyist mentality? Nah, not by half.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know a Conservative is in a big shit storm when they need to be Hannitized. In Conservative circles, it is sort of the same thing as a liberal being interviewed by Fred Rodgers, although with a whole lot more homoeroticism and a whole lot less intelligence.

      1. user-of-owls

        Funny, it always prompts me to think of him being dragged. By me. Over hot charcoals with shards of glass covered in habanero juice. And the charcoals have ricin in them. Oh, and polonium too. Oh, oh…and piranhas! Thousands of hungry little heat-resistant air-breathing piranhas. With metal teeth, like that Jaws guy in the Bond movie.

        As you may have inferred, I don't particularly care for this gentleman.

    1. comrad_darkness

      More fun to fantasize you are already being crucified, for your beliefs. Free tix to heaven you know.

    1. Occupy V572

      Heard about it? They wrote the Power Point he memorized before sitting down with his fellow center-parter.

      1. Isyaignert

        Yeehah – it's almost Guy Fawkes day! Everyone remember to MOVE YOUR MONEY to a credit union or local bank. No more Wall St. banks.

  12. flamingpdog

    "throw in a flat tax corporately and personally"

    Hold up a minute there, pardner, corporations are people! Closet soshulism!!

  13. ThundercatHo

    Hey, Rick. Wouldn't it be easier to bring some holy water to DC and just sprinkle the lawyers rather than a wrecking ball? I mean, you're already carting arounds some major league heuvos in your pants, obvs.

  14. Come here a minute

    If it wasn't for good old boys, Rick Perry would be 'waging jihad' in Afghanistan and Iraq.

  15. swordfis

    I got through two minutes of this video hellscape before I gave up. Predator drones? Lava lakes? Boots on the ground? – Why is this man not institutionalized? Why is the other man not in a sheltered workshop for "special" newscasters? And they talk as if they're discussing rodent extermination. Rick's quite chipper about it, actually.

  16. Not_So_Much

    He does remind of jeebus. But only because every time I hear more word-salad fall out of his cakehole I mutter 'hayzoos-fucking-kreesto', and then beat the dog mercilessly.

  17. poncho_pilot

    2,000 miles is a lot for the damn fence. i think we've seen some of this "strategic fencing" in California.

    p.s. is "strategic fencing" some code word for the sword fight he had with Hannity before the interview?

  18. Chichikovovich

    "they hate me the way, you know, the devil hates holy water"

    begin{Xtian_wingnut}
    Oh, oh. Rick's strayed from the straight path. If he were really a born again believer, opening himself to God's word, through prayerful reading, Christian fellowship, and the guidance of a minister who is wise in the teachings of the Lord Jesus, he'd know that there is nothing special about water blessed by the mitre-hatted head of the Mary-worshiping Catholic cult. In fact, the devil loves "holy" water (falsely so-called), because it is a tool that may help tempt Christians from the one true road to salvation. As always, Brother Jack Chick gives simple guidance. Don't be misled by the comic book form, for the man is truly a fool for the Lord.
    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0071/0071_01….
    http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0040/0040_01….
    end{Xtian_wingnut}

    [As you can see, I have spent an awful lot of my life in the (accidental) company of some seriously hard core members of the flock.]

      1. Chichikovovich

        Thanks! I thought I had read all of 'em, but this one was new to me. And Lewis (Lew) Siffer? Wow, that Jack Chick is a creative genius.

        1. RadioOcupados

          That stuff is great Chich. Also, yesterday, Mumbletypeg, with her astounding vocabulary, pointed out a great word for this religious alchemy: syncret. They just keep re-inventing and rewarming the same old campfire stories for the last five millennium.

          1. Mumbletypeg

            You're too kind, Radio — I'm still getting around to viewing the Groucho vid you shared on that thread, btw~

            Chich, I've spent much time in company w/ the same as you described, yet these chick tracts are totally new to me. Thanks for the belly laugh> Truly I did not expect to LOL, I guess it's been a while since I was exposed to their… mindset?

        2. poncho_pilot

          in Texas, Jack Chick tracts are as common as roaches. and found in many of the same seemingly random locations. yeah, he's a regular Bill Shakespeare.

          Lew Siffer? Lou Sarah? hmmm?

      2. Nostrildamus

        "… Christian rock music is a powerful demonic force controlled by Satan …

        No wonder it sucks.

        1. Chichikovovich

          I think the blame lies elsewhere. Satan may have his less admirable qualities, but the guy flat out knows how to rock. Maybe he farmed this job out to one of his less competent minions, like maybe that Screwtape guy C.S.Lewis wrote about.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Oh, I do 'preciate your testimony and your strength in the Word, Brother Chich! Those poor, deceived Catholics are double-diddly-damned! Let's meet every morning, in the first Wonkette thread, and post daily devotions as an example to this wayward flock.

    2. flamingpdog

      The first Chick tract I ever saw was in a laundromat in Wmsburg, VA, in the early 70s. Big Daddy. I see it has been updated for the 21st century, so you can't say there's no "evolution" in the crazy-ass fundy world. Being an evilutionist myself, it's still my favorite.

      FYI, in case you didn't know it, Chick Publications is listed as an "active general hate group" by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      This whole "hates holy water" thing has been blown completely out of proportion.
      I mean, hundreds of people sticking their fingers in it… yuck. If you knew what was growing in that stuff, you'd avoid it too.

      1. Spurning Beer

        Agreed. It's not much of a step up, but George was probably always more of an opportunist than a racist. Black people in Alabama liked him for getting free textbooks in the public schools.

        Not that he wasn't a racist. It's just a relative thing. For a privileged while Alabamian of his generation, he was less racist than average. Average was pretty nasty, though. If he were still alive, he might be to the left of Pat Buchanan on the MSNBC panel.

        1. user-of-owls

          If he were still alive, he might be to the left of Pat Buchanan on the MSNBC panel.

          One might plausibly say the same thing for any number of dead folks, like say, Vlad the Impaler for example.

        2. Negropolis

          …he was less racist than average.

          Of all of the ways I've heard Wallace described, this is a first. lol

    1. flamingpdog

      Actually, GW was a "man of the people" and it was pointy-headed intellectuals he derided.

      He was also an opportunist.

      In 1982, he ran for governor a fourth time. In a watershed moment, he admitted that he had been wrong about "race" all along. He was elected by a coalition represented by blacks, organized labor and forces seeking to advance public education. In that race, he carried all 10 of the state's counties with a majority black population, nine of them by a better than two-to-one margin. He retired four years later, an increasingly remote and physically tormented man.

      "We thought [segregation] was in the best interests of all concerned. We were mistaken," he told a black group in 1982. "The Old South is gone," but "the New South is still opposed to government regulation of our lives."

      1. Chet Kincaid

        That's what I'm talking about! Y'all act like I'm having an acid flashback, but I clearly recall Wallace being embraced by his old adversaries. Per wiki:

        Wallace announced that he was a born-again Christian in the late 1970s, and apologized to black civil rights leaders for his earlier segregationist positions. He said that while he had once sought power and glory, he realized he needed to seek love and forgiveness.[note 3] In 1979, Wallace said of his stand in the schoolhouse door: "I was wrong. Those days are over and they ought to be over."[4] His final term as Governor (1983–1987) saw a record number of black appointments to government positions.[43] Also in his final term, Wallace was the first governor to appoint two black members in the same cabinet, a number that has been equalled but never surpassed.

  19. finallyhappy

    Devil and holy water- Literally Jesus H Christ! What morons ever elected this guy??
    By the way, some of my close friends- Herman Cain and the Cock brothers -are coming to DC tomorrow for some conference so I guess I will be at the convention center at 6 PM for the protest. Can't leave all of this stuff to you kids.

      1. Chichikovovich

        You work evenings and weekends too? Thank goodness, I thought I was doing something wrong. Because I kept hearing that it was only these sooper-tough traders and investment banker types that worked long hours. (Though, I will grant one of the guys who wrote rants that I usually will visit the washroom if I really need to. But if he is willing to live with the Febreze bill and his co-workers have nose plugs, I'm not going to judge. But I digress.)

        1. RadioOcupados

          True story: Pretentious new stuffed shirt COO comes to department meeting last year and someone asks him, "why don't you come down some Sunday night to see what it's really like in the trenches?" Without a hitch, the fuckface blithely answered, "don't worry, you'll never see me there any night!"

  20. BarackMyWorld

    "…the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality…"

    Isn't that usually just called being a Republican?

    (And most Democrats too.)

  21. Schmannnity

    His immigration policy is to "train enough Predator drone pilots?" He must be trying to discredit Cain by having him look like a moderate for massive voltage electric fence. The ball's in your court Bachmann: Nuke or no nuke?

    1. Chichikovovich

      That's just from the Jordan river! Gotta be blessed by the Pope, or it's just water. That's the problem with getting cut-rate, generic brand holy water: it's fine for baptizing babies and such – especially the smelly ones that you want to get wrapped up quick – but when you're trying to cast out a 3,000 year old demon, it'll let you down every time. Pay a few bucks extra for the name brand.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Hey, like I did some research and it doesn't have to be the Pope. Any old Priest can sanctify some water into Holy Water. So if you have a friend that's a Priest and he owes you a favor or something, you might be able to get it for free.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            And miracle manna, too!

            Blatant fraud … but it's Christian mail fraud, so it's tolerated. Dumbya and the bible-humpers he put in charge of the DOJ wouldn't think of touching this con artist, and Obama's DOJ is probably afraid of the shitstorm they'd stir up among the Xtards.

          2. Chichikovovich

            I'm really torn about this. On one hand, I hate to see (mostly) poor, (exceptionlessly) stupid people taken advantage of. On the other, the money they use to buy miracle water and manna would otherwise be donated to Santorum or Bachmann. So at least it's being spent on garages full of garish big cars and industrial size tubs of makeup for Mrs. Popoff, instead of doing real damage.

          3. comrad_darkness

            Wasn't there a movie starring chevy chase about this guy?

            Yeah, I have IMDB, but that'd take all the fun out of it.

  22. RadioOcupados

    “take a wrecking ball, a sledgehammer – whatever it takes to break up the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality that is putting this country’s future in jeopardy.”

    Sounds kind of OWS-ish Ricky, well, except the violence part.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's the "mentality" he wants to eradicate — you know, the mentality that maybe they ought to be subtle about it.

  23. Occupy V572

    OT, but must read from Jonathan Alter in Washington Monthly:

    When Bill Clinton was running for reelection in 1996, I was a regular visitor to Dick Morris’s suite at the Jefferson Hotel. Morris was then a shadowy figure who almost never talked to the press. (When I interviewed him and his sidekick, Mark Penn, I had no idea that a few weeks later a supermarket tabloid would reveal that Morris was getting his toes sucked in the suite by a prostitute.)

    No idea! Really!
    http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/magazine/novembe

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Proving once again that there is nothing Jonathon Alter cannot overanalyze.

      Although I did like

      "Barack Obama and an intern? Highly unlikely. The first lady would kill him, cover it up, look fabulous at the state funeral—and no one would be any the wiser."

      1. Occupy V572

        As an anodyne, go read noted goat-fellator Mickey Kaus' argument that Bill Clinton “got away” with his infidelities whereas St Ronnie didn't get away w/Iran-Contra. Refresh my memory: which one got impeached?

      2. An_Outhouse

        This is why we love Michelle. It would be even better if she were Vice-Pres. That would keep Barry on his toes.

  24. iburl

    "the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality"

    Yes, that has nothing at all to do with the Republican Party.

  25. Blueb4sunrise

    I'm hoping to quickly develop kidney stones and pass them to relieve the pain of watching that clip.

  26. OneYieldRegular

    And Perry represents the *moderate* Republican view on immigration? Referring to desperately poor people as "bad guys" and suggesting they be hunted down with predator drones? Please, Montezuma, answer my pagan prayers…

    1. Negropolis

      And, yet, he was on John King USA on CNN, tonight, basically calling for amnesty, but chastizing the host for calling his amnesty plan amnesty. Truth is that on many issues on immigration, he's actually in the mainstream; hell, he sounds like most Democrats on the issue.

      1. chicken_thief

        He trying to out-Mitt Mitt with the flexibility of his positions?….. wait, that sounds way gayer than I meant for it to.

        On third though, it works either way.

  27. snoopyfan2010

    Is Rick Perry aware of anything he says at all? Because according to that last sentence, he would also smash his own head in if elected President

    That's something would vote for.

  28. poncho_pilot

    as long as i can sit in the front row behind a plastic sheet when Rick "Watermelon" Perry's head is smashed to end lobbyist corruption.

  29. Antispandex

    This is the new Grandma's Old Panties party strategy of bait and switch politics. Raise your hand if you think there is a Teapublican in the world who will go to Washington and "take on those corporate interests". I didn't think so either. Oh, unless "take on" has something to do with stuffng more money in their pockets, blowing them, whatevs.

  30. Negropolis

    "whatever it takes to break up the good-old-boy corporate lobbyist mentality"

    Excuse me while I laugh hystertically for the next half-hour. This fucker has become the very definition of a "good-old-boy" with a "corporate lobbyist mentality."

  31. Joshua Norton

    Suuuure. They all want to be Jesus, but none of them want to go through what he went through to end up as Jesus.

  32. rocktonsam

    think about how different the world would be if Bush Jr. would have been this stupid this early.

  33. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Did he get some work done, or a new haircut or something? Something looks different about his face in the last few weeks.

    //he looks tired

  34. Mahousu

    At least according to some denominations, you can administer a valid baptism simply by licking your finger, touching the candidate's forehead, and saying the appropriate formula – that's enough water to do it.

    I'd agree Rick Perry is like this sort of holy water – that is, he's worth about as much as a drop of warm spit.

    1. flamingpdog

      “It is so dry in Texas that the Baptists are sprinkling and the Methodists are using just a damp cloth.”

      In more recent years, the joke has changed to have a new ending such as “the Methodists are spitting, and the Catholics are giving rain checks", so I guess Ricky is a Methodist.

  35. user-of-owls

    I pretty much lost all my fear of holy water back when I was an altar boy and saw the priest filling a plastic milk container labeled "Holy Water" from the tap. Satan's a real pussy.

    p.s. You know those whole "Body of Christ" communion wafers? They're shipped in grubby little cardboard boxes from some Chicago industrial warehouse. Wrapped in plastic and tasting like it too.

  36. Walkinwiddaking

    "The corporate tax lawyers in Washington D.C., they hate me the way, you know, the devil hates holy water,” . That should seal up the vote with the Pat Robertson rubes.

  37. ttommyunger

    Don't know about Jesus, but Samson comes to mind; he killed a shitload of Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Little Eagle Scout Ricky is killing his chances for the Nomination with the very same weapon.

      1. ttommyunger

        One of the few nice things about being an old is that you can use old lines and youngsters will be impressed only because they haven't heard them before….but thanks.

  38. x111e7thst

    it's not a real gay hillbilly courtship ritual until Perry hears " I bet you can squeal like a pig Rickey, Weeeeeeee!" or at the very least "Blow me and tell me the flavor bitch".

  39. snackypants

    Why are they sitting in an abandoned barn with all the discarded farm equipment and corncobs on the ground?

  40. fartknocker

    As a Native Texan I apologize to the US for Rick Perry. However, most of my people didn't invent him – it was the Teadickistanians from Teadickistan near Afhganistan. I apologize from the bottom of my UN heart as an American and Austin, Texan for Rick Perry.

    I could close this snark with fuck Teadickistain but rather I will say "Really Rick – Do you Think America is that Stupid?" Answer: Yes some electorate are that stupid.

  41. Isyaignert

    Rick – we hate you the way we hate all poser idiots who want to rule Amerika to ruin.
    I said GOOD DAY sir! And please, fuk off too, because you're a fukkin' idiot and what's worse is that you're a fukkin' fool and you want to take the rest of us (400+M souls) down with you! Not gonna do it. I said GOOD DAY!!

  42. Redhead

    To be fair, Jesus drank a lot of wine with his disciples before giving speeches to them, so there is THAT similarity.

  43. Tommy1733

    I am really interested to learn more about this program to train drone pilots. Train. Drone. Pilots. Those planes that, um, don't actually have pilots. How will we train them?

    1. randomsausage

      The rednecks will never go for it. And then again they might. Those little devils… they love toys!

  44. bebecca2298

    Is his hair getting more plastic-looking? It looks just like some wigs my sister and I got as a Christmas present when we were kids. They were plastic, hard plastic and shiny.

  45. Chichikovovich

    So does this mean Perry is going to vanish from recorded history for an eighteen-year span? Excellent! When does it start?

  46. crybabyboehner

    Yessiree, ol' Rick is all the time telling lobbyists to take a hike …

    as in, get yer ass back there to the fridge on this here corporate jet and bring me a Dr. Pepper!

  47. EBGrey

    The phrase "good-old-boy mentality" is best not used when uttered by a man with a heavy Texas accent.

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