usually it's just a metaphor

Elderly Iowa Candidate Caught Trying to Prostitute Himself

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

At least he has the 'politicians are whores' part right about running for office.Cocktober, you left us too quickly! So what is this now, “Nov-member?” Hm. We will have to work on the name. Meanwhile, here is the month’s inaugural illicit political sex story: Ben Clifford Dawson, smiling here like a wicked little minx, is an 83-year-old Centerville, Iowa city council candidate who was arrested for prostitution after allegedly offering up his wobbly ol’ haunches to a lady in lieu of a payment she owed him for a loan. In other words, about a “6” on the political sex scandal meter, with points deducted for “dude on lady” but special extra credit added back in for “senior citizen gigolo.”

Dawson for his part is going with the “durn tricky women ‘n their devil wiles” defense, except much like in Herman Cain’s case, there’s annoyingly not just one woman who has accused him of this gross stuff. WOMEN, THEY ARE A CONSPIRACY.

From ABC News:

Ben Clifford Dawson, 83, is running unopposed for a city council seat in the Nov. 8 election in the small town of Centerville, Iowa.

“We had three previous reports of activity like this on him in years past,” said Tom Demry, Centerville police chief.  “This is just the first time we had enough to charge him.”

Dawson, who Demry said is well-known in the town where “everyone knows everyone,” told ABCNews.com that the charges were all a lie perpetrated by the alleged victim who owed him money.

Eh, screw City Council. This guy should be running for Senate. [ABC News]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Who knows, maybe he's got a baby's arm holding an apple.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Possibly, but I suspect that in his case it would be in the barn or the freezer.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      TOO BIG TO FAIL

    • Fare la Volpe

      And after you see that, you should see his penis.

    • Not_So_Much

      Maybe, but at age 83 it's probably boneless.

      • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

        …and prunelike.

    • SpiderCrab

      The most memorable thing ever said by Lenny Bruce.

    • Ohforcripessake

      Oh thanks for that imagery !!1! :-p

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Not unless it's one of those Lady apples, dood.

  • Plowmon

    Around here it's known as 'swapping out', pretty common now everyone is late with the rent money…

  • Barb

    I wonder if they let him put his Depends back on before booking him?

  • McRibzgood

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I mean look at him.. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Not a fan of LemonParty.com, I see.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Srsly. That's what I call a TWO-bagger. Put two brown paper sacks over his wrinkly ol' haid before you get busy.

  • nounverb911

    The only thing he's sorry about is getting caught.

    • DahBoner

      He looks like that Walmart plastic bag greeter, hmmm….

      • MissTaken

        I've been trying to figure out where I've seen him before, you are absolutely right! I always knew something sexy was stashed in that Walmart bag.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

      I have a feeling the soliciteed would have regretted it more. I mean, he'd probably have to take a nap in the middle of it, fercryin'outloud.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And he's sorry if it offended the woman for any reason, also.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        He's sorry she's such a mass of sensitive fifis that she got offended, that is.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude should have got her to put out before he lent her the money.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      She wouldn'ta borrowed it on those terms.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Centerville, Iowa, also known as Bartertown.

  • Lucidamente1

    What happens in Centerville, Iowa stays in Centerville, Iowa.

    • chicken_thief

      Until today….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I wish!

    • GOPCrusher

      As someone who lives in Iowa, I only wish that statement was true. Some of the things that go on there, even people from Missouri say "WTF?"

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Don't show me that!"

        Sincerely,
        The Show-Me State

    • DahBoner

      But she bought a house over in Mystic.

      You just can't trust them new age koo koos over there…

  • RadioOcupados

    Just another blatant attack on a conservative oldz by the librul media.

    • mannacler

      I'll bet Fox put a D by his name.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Imagine if our elected ruminants did actually include moar "wicked little minks" in the mix — instead of filthy weasels like Dawson?

  • nounverb911

    Cain's found his perfect running mate.

    • DahBoner

      I blame Karl Rove for this, too.

  • http://thefastertimes.com/absurdnews/ inapewetrust

    well, he's got the making-bad-loans part down, but i guess he misunderstood exactly how the debtors subsequently get screwed.

  • Mondo_Cane

    Dad?…

    • Lucidamente1

      Mom?

  • http://www.fightbacknews.org/ 4TheTurnstiles

    Iowa ditchweed makes a man limber. Pass the Fritos, Leda!

    • DahBoner

      Have you ever driven the back roads in Iowa?

      They got a bunch of cock hiding in the grass next to the road….

      • GOPCrusher

        That's why the state motto is "Iowa: Big Cock Country"

        • DahBoner

          Probably not.

          Not enough blacks in Iowa.

          A friend told me that Europeans have a smaller average dick size than Americans because African-Americans bring the average up….

  • ThundercatHo

    This picture illustrates why they use guys like Mitt Romney in all those cock-hardening Rx ads.

  • GuanoFaucet

    It's Blowvember, yay!

    • NotYerGaryBusey

      Oh Cocktober, you came too late and left too soon. Though, you certainly made up for your brevity with the absolute faceload of fun you left behind!

  • mrpuma2u

    Now we know what happened to Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute, he changed his name, left Davenport and moved to Centerville. Hey don't dis old dude, what he lacks in charm or any actual charisma he makes up for in experience.

    • Uniprober

      Very obscure Dan Akyroyd reference. Thanks.

      • emmelemm

        Not that obscure! And always welcome.

    • trondant

      Sock suspenders make the man.

      • mrpuma2u

        Don't forget the trusses!

    • OccupytheDashboard

      And old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

      • Swampgas_Man

        And bonerz, apparently.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Historically, it has been Blow-vember. Never Forget.

    • DahBoner

      She comes up to here on me…

      //flat hand level with crotch

      • Negropolis

        She cums up to here on me…

        //fixed

  • SorosBot

    This is great news for his opponent!

    Wait, he's running unopposed and will get in anyway? Um…

    • MissTaken

      Well, he tried to get in. Wocka wocka!

      • LesPaultard

        If he had only waited until Tuesday…..it would have been a much better scandal.

      • SorosBot

        And she wouldn't let him! But look at that old man; what woman wouldn't want to fuck him for a reduction in her debt?

        • MissTaken

          This one.

    • Callyson

      …making this terrific news for comedians, not to mention Wonketteers. Can't wait to hear what this guy does next…

  • Wilcoxyz

    Well, I guess we all know how to get a parking ticket fixed in Centerville.

    • HogeyeGrex

      What's a guy got to do to get a drink in this bar, anyway?…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Hate to piss on people's parade but the story does sound like bullshit. Lady owed him and his wife a lot of money she couldn't pay. He threatens to take her to court and then all of a sudden, he's a ho. Please.

    • HistoriCat

      Maybe but –

      “We had three previous reports of activity like this on him in years past,” said Tom Demry, Centerville police chief. “This is just the first time we had enough to charge him.”

      This doesn't look like a completely isolated incident.

      • DahBoner

        Sounds like he's a Ranlord.

        Roh oh….

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, it'd be nice to hear a bit more solid evidence, ideally a tape recording. But if, as the police indicate, there have been previous accusations (independent? or people who know one another well?) that makes it a bit more likely.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Yes, I like my evidence hard.

    • Nostrildamus

      The police noted a pattern of activity over several years, but said this is the first time they had enough evidence to bring charges. That evidence wasn't detailed in the story, but presumably is more than just "he said, she said".

    • Fare la Volpe

      When has a little thing like "the truth" ever been a requirement for snark?

      • Come here a minute

        Yes, this is the point.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I wonder if he can eat corn off the cob with his toothless gums. Just sumpin' the ladies might wish to consider.

    • DahBoner

      You's about the same height as my wife of 43 years….

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When my recently widowed granddad moved in with me, I asked him if maybe he wanted to go hang out at the local senior's center. He responded in the negative (he was 80 at the time) and told me that those place were full of "old bags looking for another husband; I've already buried two wives, and my pencil doesn't have any lead left in it anyway." Not a problem for this guy obviously, must be that invigorating country life.

    • LesPaultard

      Or Cialis.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      "Green Acres is the life for me
      Spermatazoa earnin' scratch for me
      I may be dag nab 83
      But you can blow me for just $23"

      • jus_wonderin

        "New York is where I'd rather stay,
        I get allergic smelling Ben Gay,
        I just abhor the thought of you,
        Dah-ling I'd fuck you but it would cost you Park Avenue."

  • mavenmaven

    I'm impressed that an 83 year old scary looking dude can still get it on!

    • SorosBot

      Curse you, Viagra!

    • finallyhappy

      I understood from a friend's father(retired to Florida)that with the advent of Viagra and Cialis , old guys in Florida were using hookers, getting STDs and bringing them(the STDS) back to their "lady friends" at many senior living facillities in that state. My friend's dad assured me he didn't do that stuff(yea, his wife was still tough and would cure an STD by killing him)

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        The area around The Villages (Disneyworld crossed with retirement community) is said to have one of the highest rates of STDs in Florida.

  • GuanoFaucet

    My Own Private Iowa.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Occupy Centerville is gonna be a lot of fun. Also.

  • Schmannnity

    Is that a load in your pants or are you happy to see her?

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Or a colostomy bag?

  • Schmannnity

    From mile high club to hoveround club.

  • OurHoboSenator

    I don't understand why this is news. Chuck Grassley has been prostituting himself for years.

    • hagajim

      Yeah…but he's been taking it in the pooper from ADM.

    • Negropolis

      ZING!

  • Sue4466

    Not to nitpick, but to nitpick: if he's letting her pay off money she owes with sex, she's the prostitute cause he's paying for the sex.

    But either way, EW.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Thanks for the clarity. For some reason I was having trouble wrapping my brain around this.

    • emmelemm

      Yeah, I was confuzzled myself.

      Doesn't matter though: The takeaway is EWWWW GROSSSS EWWWWWWW

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, I was thinking "Isn't that solicitation of prostitution?"

      • Sue4466

        Glad to help. I was thinking, man, she had to pay him what she owed and fuck him? What is he, Bank of America?

    • Crank_Tango

      yes. fucking prostitution, how does it work?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Uh… dick goes in, dick goes out?

        • OccupytheDashboard

          and no one, not even Bill O'Reilly, knows why.

    • chicken_thief

      Musta' cornfused the cops, too. From the article it took them 10 days to conduct the investigation.

  • deelzebub

    Old balls…gross.

    • Not_So_Much

      Nah, those are tucked in his tube-socks (one on each side).

      • deelzebub

        Got to keep them warm or the sperm stop swimming. How else could he hope to have one of those horrifying Larry King or Rod Stewart kids that should be grand or great grandkids?

        • Rotundo_

          Not so much, part of the "brilliance" of the design is cooling provided by the dangle. Tighty Whities are one cause of low sperm counts and motility. This much being said, considering how far this old goat's sack probably hangs down, they probably do get a little cooler than nature intends. Besides which, given what his circulation is like, they're probably black as eight balls and due to fall off most any time.

          • yyyaz

            Thank you SOOOO much for that image. ERp.

        • DahBoner

          Willy Nelson had a kid well into his sixties and Lukas turned out OK.

          Saw him play a couple years ago. Great blues player, humble, well-adjusted….

  • lefty74

    He broke up with his last 80 year old lady friend. She didn't want to keep it trimmed up for him.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Manscaping can get a little tricky when 80+ years of gravitational pull makes your balls hang to your knees.

      • BornInATrailer

        I'd think that would make the manscaping easier.

        • Fare la Volpe

          It's easier to mow a lawn than a golf course.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    "…Arrest is Trick by Woman"
    That woman is your trick..

  • DahBoner

    allegedly offering up his wobbly ol’ haunches to a lady in lieu of a payment she owed him for a loan

    HEY BABY–WANNA SEE MY FLAT TAX?

    IT'S FLAT, JUST LIKE THE EARTH…

  • chicken_thief

    **She owed him $6500 which he offered to let her repay in sex acts. **

    If he'd have suggested 65 acts instead of 6,500 he might be getting his ashes hauled as we speak.

  • MissTaken

    The economy has really gone to shit when we no longer measure our hookers in Whore Diamonds, but in Whore Depends

    • Rotundo_

      There's a new selling point for them-No more wet spots to argue over…

  • SheriffRoscoe

    She shouldn't have told him she had acute angina.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Yer going to hell, Roscoe.
      ~

      • OccupytheDashboard

        Right with the rest of us, thank goodness. The major downside is that hell only has dialup.

        • jus_wonderin

          Nooooooo!!!!!!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          AOL, and Windows 3.0 — the whole package.

    • DahBoner

      HENG????

    • lefty74

      Its a good thing she had acute angina, because her tits were sagging 40 long.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Ah, you've heard that one before too. I saw my opportunity, and I took it.

    • bureaucrap

      many many multiple upfists.

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    Seems to me if the lady owed him some money, this is the least she could do. I didn't realize Soeterro outlawed that too. We've become the Nanny State our Founders most hoped not to become.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Certainly not Benny "Bring on the Whores" Franklin.

  • Pragmatist2

    Hold it !!!!!!
    Dod she say "yes"????
    The story doesn't say.

  • meatlofer

    The old Iowan women says,"Wow that ear of corn reminds me of my husband's cock" and the other women says."Wow it's that BIG!" "No!" says the first old lady," It's that dirty"

    • Chichikovovich

      And yellow and bumpy?

      • deelzebub

        Bumpy is never a good sign on a cock.

        • jqheywood

          Unless its ribbed for your pleasure….

          • deelzebub

            I was thinking more of herpes. You know, the gift that keeps giving that you never wanted in the first place.

    • DahBoner

      And you have to shuck it first to get the hairs out?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    This is also George Papandreou's alternative to holding a referendum on a bailout of Greece.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Hot sex with Angela Merkel? Hope George is into scat.

  • IncenseDebate

    Cold shriveled member libel.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    But he's a pretty good Great Grandpa.

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      His grandkids think he's an ATM!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      World's Greatest, at least according to his coffee mug.

    • chicken_thief

      Maybe not so much if you are his great granddaughter-in-law who owes him money.

  • Callyson

    Drew allegedly owed Dawson $6,500, an amount she had slowly racked up over the past few years by requesting money “to visit her sick mom” or to “get new tires,” Dawson said.
    I know I'd be insulted if this guy thought that was enough to get me to do him…

    • DahBoner

      Huh, huh.

      You said "racked up"…

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Ass To Mouth?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Why stop at Senate? Elderly Santorum is funny!

  • IncenseDebate

    Slow and sloppy get the moppy.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    She must have owed him a LOT of money.

    • DahBoner

      She put it all on lay-a-way…

  • BigDumbRedDog

    This guy makes loansharks look downright reasonable.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Just a gigolo
    everywhere I go
    people know the part
    I'm playing

    Paid for every pill
    popping each Viagra
    every night some old man
    humping

    There will come a day
    Cries of eeewwww! come my way
    then what will they say
    about me

    When the end comes I know
    they'll say just a gigolo
    as life goes on
    without me

    • tessiee

      In this guy's case, I think that should be spelled "jiggle low".

  • Gleem_McShineys

    "We had three previous reports of activity like this on him in years past,” said Tom Demry, Centerville police chief. “This is just the first time we had enough to charge him.”

    Talk about Toxic Investments. I wonder whether Goldman Sachs has this kind of Credit Default Swap in their investment portfolios?

    • hagajim

      Three reports and they finally got enough evidence…who is running the police station there – Barney Fife?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Absolute power corrupts absolutely — clearly a position on the Centreville city council just went to this guy's head.

    • Chichikovovich

      The tea-partier's Macbeth.

      • poncho_pilot

        thanks! now i'm chuckling to myself about this scene:
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gomhWx017Sc

        • Chichikovovich

          Though perhaps in the version set in Centreville, Iowa, with Wilford Brimley playing MacBeth/Ben Dawson it won't exactly be his head that is lopped off.

    • hagajim

      Must have – given that its still working apparently.

    • tessiee

      Once he owns Centerville, Iowa, he can take on the Photoshopping terrorists who run Medford, New Jersey.

  • IncenseDebate

    It will never stand up in court.
    Really. It will never stand up anywhere.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Awww, guys…..he seems like a nice enough feller. Let's not make him the butt of our jokes. Okay, maybe a few more.

  • YasserArraFeck

    "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"……except I don't think Hoverrounds have dashboards…do they?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Hey, what's that old wrinkled-up thing on Gramma?"
    "Oh, it's Grandpa!"

  • Limeylizzie

    Talking of whores, this is a delightful little item.
    http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/11/03/tea-party-s

    • HistoriCat

      Keeping it classy. Bless his heart.

      • Limeylizzie

        I love “Bless his heart” said with a wee touch of malice, it's always effective, is that a Southern thing?

        • HistoriCat

          I'm pretty sure it is. One of the native-born Southern Wonketteriat will have to confirm it though.

          • Limeylizzie

            I bet Queeraselvis will know, I can imagine him using that phrase on a regular basis.

          • emmelemm

            I think it's both a Southern thing and a gay thing, as the gays love their cattyness. My beloved Northern gays use that phrase plenty.

        • fuflans

          mr fuflans confirms this. he is a southerner. while he is a very nice southerner, his sisters are not. they remained in they south, they use this term all the time and they almost never mean well by it.

          (he is on the phone with his family as i type and – bless his heart – all those drawls and homespun phrases are just plain pouring out of his mouth.)

    • chicken_thief

      She didn't DENY it. So I guess the only reasonable conclusion is that Liz is, in fact, doing the dirty deed for money.

      Times are rough….

      • WunkRocker

        What would $6,500 get ya. You know, hypothetically?

        • chicken_thief

          Ben Clifford? You got more money to "lend"?

    • Chichikovovich

      [Guy says he's been unemployed for a long time, then shouts insults including "socialist whore" at Elizabeth Warren.]

      Warren's response is just one more reason why I love the woman:

      After the meeting, the candidate told The Huffington Post that she “actually felt sorry for the guy.”
      “He’s been out of work now for a year and a half. And bless his heart, I mean, he thought somehow it would help to come here and yell names.”

      • GOPCrusher

        Probably yells at the OWS protesters on his TV screen. "GET A JOB, YOU FILTHY HIPPIES!"

      • Negropolis

        That response is so incredibly awesome.

    • SorosBot

      Wait, whores get paid for sex; wouldn't a socialist give it away for free?

      • Mumbly_Occupado

        I, ah, clearly am friends with the wrong socialists, in that case.

      • Rotundo_

        Doesn't that mean that since the government owns the means of production, that the government would be a pimp? Now that's a job for a republican if ever there was one.

      • TitsOccupado

        Why yes, to each according to their needs!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          "From each according to his abilities" might be the tricky part.

    • HarryButtle

      I read this earlier and you know, despite my long-time pacifist creds, I very much want to punch this stupid fuck right in the face.

    • DahBoner

      What the hell is a "socialist" whore, as opposed to a "capatalistic" whore?

      Do they whore for the good of the people accepting only toilet paper as payment in kind?

      On the other hand, if "socialistic" whores look like Russian whores, I'm in…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      So unfair. She can't help that she's a socialist whore, now can she?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Scott Brown is already up for reelection replacement?
      The GOP's owners must be freaking out – a Mass. contest is a test of whether or not the voters who sent teabaggers to Congress are fed up with Republican fucktardedness.

  • actor212

    @Kristen,

    Really? That's the best you could come up with? Nov-member?

    Hovember!

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Ho-vember

    • actor212

      You gotta be quicker'n that.

      • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

        Gah!! Wtf? Where did you come from? Get outta my head!! And stop posting my thoughts thirty seconds before I do!!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Maybe I am confused or just a horrible person, but, is the problem that he offered to pay for something she wanted if she would do him? And this is bad/different from dating, how? I don't get it. She borrowed money she cdn't pay back and he offered a solution – did he threaten her with something besides an 83yr old pecker?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      You must get out of Alabama, now!

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh god, was he her cousin? Or do you think we got a buncha old dudes willing to help pay off my mortgage? You think I'd bitch about stuff so much if'n we did? I'm kidding…he's too old for me right now. ANYway, I'm not saying she should have done this old man, I'm just saying it's not a shock that a guy has found another way to try and get laid. Apparently more than once, so maybe it had worked at some point. I thought this stuff happened a lot.

        • ttommyunger

          Don't backtrack, Fak. I'm wit you, sex is just not that big a deal-between friends-or lenders. Anyway, how long could it last? He didn't look like he was in great shape.

    • Barrelhse

      Assault with a dead weapon.

    • hagajim

      Isn't an 83-year old pecker threatening enough?!

    • Negropolis

      I mean, you know that you can't pay for stuff in sex, legally, and you sure as hell can't solicit for it, right?

      • FakaktaSouth

        Yes. Whatever. Everybody's offended and it ain't even something to joke about. I get it. I get it. But this is the first time I've had a bunch of dudes tell me I was insensitive to the plight of women from dirty old men. My bad, my bad.

        • Negropolis

          I think you're reading this wrong. I don't know anyone who has said or implied that they are offended. You asked a tongue-in-cheek legal question with a hint of seriousness, and everyone gave you an honest answer, some with a bit of snark.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Oh, (you have a very hard name to make into a nickname, so I will just call you darling. Or sir. Whichevs.) Anywho, I am just whining, because I'm a girl. But check out Chet's other posts. My man is PISSED about this – which of course only truly makes him the more admirable in my loving eyes…butcha gotta admit, it's a teensy bit funny that I'm the one blowing it all off (haha I am so funny) and the dudes here are ass kickers. I kinda love it today.

          • Negropolis

            You must get out of Alabama, now!

            I'm not sure how you got out of that that he is PISSED (I actually thought it was clever snark), but even if he was you must put it into context since he's always pissed. :)

          • FakaktaSouth

            Nooooooooooo OTHER posts – not that one. I am totally down with how ever he talks to me. I'm talking about the ones down there where he is upset about the way this is reported and whatnot. No, I promise, telling me I need to get out of here is sweet talk. I'm on his side, trust me. I love me some pissed Chet. It's good stuff.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“This is just the first time we had enough to charge him.”

    I don't want to know what it was that finally constituted "enough".

    • poncho_pilot

      pics or it didn't happen?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Okay, move along folks. Nothing to see here but a couple of elephant-skin rugs on the bed.

    • hagajim

      You mean elephant-foreskin rugs I assume.

    • tessiee

      Futurama FTW!

  • BklynIlluminati

    great job if you can get the work

  • iburl

    Remember, remember the olds of Blowmember.

    • jqheywood

      Guy Fawkes references are always upfisty!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        From The Fantasticks.
        (Which I think is still playing…)

  • El Pinche

    Vaginovember?

  • flamingpdog

    Kirsten, Cocktober is OVER! How 'bout some sleazy stories from the distaff side, for Nomember?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "No-member" for sure. I think Barb gifted that to us.

  • coolhandnuke

    Cocktober–out like a hurricain, Blowvember in like a geriatric humdinger.

  • ExecutorElassus

    Wonkette, I think the term you're looking for is "No-means-no!-vember"

  • owhatever

    Build a Tea Party and they will come.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    It's not prostituting YOURSELF if you demand sex from someone. One of you legal experts look up the proper statutory vileness.

    • Chichikovovich

      Not a legal expert, especially not about Iowa, but I'd guess it would be something like solicitation of prostitution. Or maybe it is just a violation of Iowa Criminal Code Section IV a) 5.3 and 5.3.1:

      5.3 It is a misdemeanor, punishable by imprisonment and/or fines, to solicit the act of ….. Euugh! that's disgusting.

      5.3.1 Gawd, just look at that wrinkly old perv. I won't be able to do my domestic duty with the wife for a week.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        The article says he was arrested on "a prostitution charge and a charge of intent to commit sexual abuse", which makes more sense; being charged with pimping would be "a prostitution charge," and coercing unwanted sex with a debt is certainly sexual abuse.

        • Generation[redacted]

          Herman Cain disagrees.

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            And Elizabeth Warren blesses both their wicked hearts.

          • DahBoner

            Ah, the old "consumer protection act"?

            Is that what all the young kids are calling it?

  • jus_wonderin

    "Eh, screw City Council."
    You know how much that would cost???!!!!11

  • Nesnora

    THEY TOLD ME GRANDPA DIED IN 1986 OF CANCER, WTF

    >:|

  • Barrelhse

    Bitch set me up.

  • coolhandnuke

    The victim could not remember the perp's face, but said she had clear and total recall of his nutsack. The Centerville Police put together a police line-up comprised of Yogi Berra's old catchers mitt, a 12 pound bag of walnuts and a photo of Spiro T. Agnew.

  • Douché

    Crap, I owe him 500 bucks. What is he going to expect from me?

    • poncho_pilot

      i think for under a thousand he just wants to go down on you.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        Unless you have false teeth…that will cover this AND next months rent.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Get this man a pizza franchise!

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Just be glad his last name isn't Dover.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Like Smith's middle name over at the Drudge 2.0?

  • Numbat_Dundee

    If he was a Romanian Cabinet Minister, this may have made sense.
    http://www.theage.com.au/world/strangebuttrue/boo

    • OccupytheDashboard

      "how she measures up to other powerful women such as Cleopatra, Jacqueline Kennedy, Margaret Thatcher, Eva Peron and Madonna by donning outfits inspired by them."

      What? No Mother Theresa?

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Well, this pegged pretty high on the ewww scale, but look at his picture. He expression is all, "fuck you, I'm 83…what are gonna do to me?)

    Octogenarian does not give a shit.

    • poncho_pilot

      you said pegged. hehe.

      • OccupytheDashboard

        I did try to resist

  • DahBoner

    In other words, about a “6″…

    That's about average for Americans…

  • Lazy Media

    Wait, he's GETTING sex and PAYING money (by forgiving a loan), not prostituting himself. He's just a wannabe john. Journamalism is stupid.

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    Prostitution–ur doing it wrong.

  • MiniMencken

    The Centerville police chief, Tom Demry, has just announced he is adding a new charge to the complaint, assault with a dead weapon.

  • tessiee

    "Cocktober, you left us too quickly! So what is this now, “Nov-member?” Hm. We will have to work on the name."

    I thought it was Blow-vember.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      I'm going with Knob-vember. Too cute?

  • tessiee

    I say we chip in and buy ttommyunger a bus ticket to Iowa so he can kick this guy's ass.

    • ttommyunger

      Actually, an 83 year-old horndog; I'd be more likely to inquire of his diet, etc.

  • tessiee

    That pervy old shit looks WAY too pleased with himself.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, I see he's going with "The bitch set me up!" defense.

    Marion Shepilov Barry Libel!

    Honestly, he should have just agreed to be paid in chickens. That's the Nevada model, at least.

  • ttommyunger

    This old turd's expression is just too smug. I'll bet he's gotten a shitload of pussy that way for years.

  • teebob2000

    Looking at this guy, I'd call it NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-vember