who got the voodoo kentucky do

Kentucky Governor Race Now Suddenly About Secret Hindu Rituals

In Hindu Jeebus We TrustKentucky GOP candidate for governor David Williams is behind Democratic incumbent Steve Beshear by several million points in the polls, which means the only thing sad dingus David Williams can do all day long at this point is stare glumly at his Steve Beshear Google Alert list trying to find banal news items he can nitpick. Oh let’s see, here’s one: Gov. Beshear, known as a devout Baptist, attended the Hindu-themed groundbreaking ceremony at a new manufacturing plant operated by an Indian company. Good enough! New Williams campaign platform: STEVE BESHEAR SECRETLY WORSHIPPED PAGANS FOR AN HOUR, HE IS A WHORE FOR VISHNU.

Here is Williams desperately belaboring his thesis to some amused reporters:

“To get down and get involved and participate in prayers to these polytheistic situations, where you have these Hindu gods that they are praying to, doesn’t appear to me to be in line with what a governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky ought to be doing,” Williams said, according to the Lexington Herald-Leader.

Nice use of directional language there — he “got down,” e.g. went low, low class, on the ground, maybe under the ground, probably to hell, even. Steve Beshear is Satan, just like Hinduism.

Williams added: “He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.”

Truly, what was he thinking, hospitably welcoming the Indian investors bringing $180 million to his state? Normal protocol in Kentucky calls for him to run them off with angry slurs and plywood crucifixes. Elect David Williams, he will do this! [LA Times/Lexington Herald-Leader]

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274 comments

    1. Tundra Grifter

      There' s something about an Aqua Buddha Man.

      {Yeh, I know I used it before. Liked it once, ya oughta love it again.}

  1. Callyson

    "I don’t know what the man was thinking."
    Please, God, give me an idiotic opponent like David Williams…

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Ash on the forehead? No meat on Fridays but eating the flesh and drinking the blood of your 'savior?' ? Sex only for procreation? We are approaching 7 Billion on this planet but go forth and multiply? Confession?

      What are we thinking?

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I can get a guaranteed glare out of my Catholic wife if I mention that the Saints are just minor gods, kinda like the Greeks and Romans had.

      2. Dok-cupy Everything

        in 1984, my mother and my brother (adopted! We share no genes!) had an enormous falling-out one Sunday after he announced to her that she was an Idolater for praying to the BVM.

        Then he stole about $30,000 from us and told her he'd return it when she and I accepted Jesus as our Savior. He was particularly worried about me, since I was "mixed up in a cult" (the Unitarians).

        1. JustPixelz

          $30,000 back in 1984 is like $10,000,000 today. Dude, you & your mother would have been in the 1%! But Jesus needed the dough.

          True, yet sadly commonplace story: My daughter-in-law's sister went to a casino, put $1 in a slot machine and won $1000. She credits the win to Jesus, because he told her to place that bet. She loves Jesus. Then she tells about all the money she's lost at the casino on other visits, when Jesus didn't help with the betting I guess. In fact, she's pretty much dirt poor with a crummy husband, a sick dog and a kid. Jesus loves her back, in a "Let's get together for the holidays kinda way".

      1. weejee

        And in the Latin Paco's biscuits are status quo. Or something like that.

        / Sister Caligula will get me for that one. Smack with the old ruler uno mas.

      1. deelzebub

        Got your hopes up for an orgy-tastic Sherman's March for a second didn't they? I'd third that. People are much happier and kinder when they've been getting laid hard and good on a regular basis.

  2. JackObin

    Some day, Americans will face the fact that no gods exist. Until then, it remains solid comic relief.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Perhaps there's room for a compromise, spinozasgod. Let's all just accept that Spinoza's god exists, and move on.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Some believe, some don't. To each his own. I like to dye my pubes purple. That doesn't mean everyone else should or they'll be condemned for all eternity.

    1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

      I just got back to the US from India, where I was visiting friends in Mumbai's trendy Bandra West neighbourhood. Jesus and Mary are VERY popular over there, for some reason. My friends had a Holy Mother shrine in their front yard, but someone super-glued a bunch of Barbie-Doll arms to it in an attempt to Vishnu-ise it. It was literally the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        Well, if you're a Hindu, then *all* deities are simply manifestations of the One Great Force underlying the universe (this includes cockroaches and worms, too, so don't get yer ego tarted up). I've seen many a Hindu shrine with Taoist deities, pictures of jebus, a calligraphic Name of Allah, the Guru Granth, and whatnot, all over. Pretty indiscriminately. It's all good.

      2. Herring_Burnit

        Wait, are your friends part of the Mother-worshipping cults? Because those guys just LERVE the virgin mary. (Goddess-worship is predominant among the Malayalis, Bangalis, Nepalis, and possibly, I think, the Kashmiri Hindus.)

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Love your new one-line description. Weep not, sweet lady. Someday, it will happen!

            I seem to remember some fine Malaysian restaurants in LA back when I worked there. Hole-in-the-wall places but the food was really good. Perhaps I'll go dig up my friend who's living there now and see if she can be persuaded to divulge some names. She works in health care policy these days, I think. Very nice woman. You need a new friend, don't you? Someone who's a fabulous cook and is smart as a whip and sweet as honey? Yes, you do!

    1. weejee

      But before he does can he get a good dose of Delhi belly, and then serve a Judeo-Christian 40 years as Ganesh's vahna, or ride. Who by the way, like Williams, is a rat.

  3. elviouslyqueer

    What? Expressing tolerance for other religions? This will not do! Beshear needs to get his ass down to the Creation Museum right this instant, if he knows what's good for him.

  4. Woodshedding

    Good thing he hasn't seen a poster like the one I have of Mother Kali. She holds a bloody cleaver, a severed head, and her necklace is all beheaded men. She's sticking her tongue out which is a sign of shyness but he wouldn't pick up on that.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Because Kali (goddess as destroyer/goddess of war) harks back to an older, bloodthirstier tradition, subsequent Hindu scholars, in an attempt to rid her of her matrilineal associations, have interpreted the standard portrayal of the goddess that way. However, the interpretation in the great centers of mother-worship (Bengal, Malabar) differs somewhat. They hold that the goddess' tongue is bloody and lolling because she has just licked her scimitar after beheading the Maheshasura (a demon whose head she is often depicted as holding by the hair).

      1. Woodshedding

        Oh, that's very interesting, thanks! I always thought the "shyness" explanation sounded iffy at best!

        1. Herring_Burnit

          Yeah, it didn't go down too well with us, being as we were a bloodthirsty lot, so we kept looking for explanations till we found one that fit better. She so does NOT look shy with a groin-length garland of severed heads and a skirt of severed arms!

  5. BlueStateLibel

    I thought Hindu-bashing was over in this country with those groundbreaking Simpsons' episodes? Apoo weeps.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Rich Oligarchs who ship jobs over seas to India = Job Creators

    Democratic Governors who welcome Indian businesses to their states = Unwashed Heathens

  7. Tommy1733

    It is actually an interesting question, because one of the core tenets of fundamentalist Christian belief is you are not supposed to be praying to other gods. Of course, this only reveals how awkward and inappropriate such a rigid belief system can be in an increasingly blended world, where leaders have a political obligation to occasionally reject this foundational belief (assuming they are Christians) because they want to forge a relationship with some wierdo Pagan. I like it when "organic comedy" just appears out of the circumstantial fabric of society like that.

    1. Guppy

      If you want to be all "strict constructionist," you just have to avoid worshiping idols specifically. So long as there were no idols, and he didn't eat meat sacrificed to them, then he should be OK according to the Talibangelicals' own standards.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Damn, you make it sound like it makes sense that any of that bullshit be taken seriously at all.

  8. Eve8Apples

    Only a dirty Communist hippie governor would pray with Indian investors. A real patriot 'Merkan Republican governor would give them blowjobs.

  9. coolhandnuke

    …He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.”

    Hey Lumpy, an effective tool for retaliation is to print out a flyer and put a "dot" on a zombie Kenyans' forehead

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Before you know it, the entire state of Kentucky will be forced to eat rice USING THEIR HANDS. It's one thing with buckets of chicken, or a sandwich, but rice? Those Injuns are just crazy.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        It's not easy, either. I usually end up getting rice all up and down the inside of my sleeves. OTOH, eating rice at Chinese New Year also sucks ass, because all the old ladies will whack you on the head with their chopsticks if they think your form is off.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      So handlin' snakes and speaking in tongues? Where's the baby Jesus come down on those rituals?

  10. LesBontemps

    I once had a polytheistic situation, but I guess they don't teach Classics in Kentucky schools.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course Williams may have a point, as taken from these excerpts from the ceremony:

    Indian Plant Owner: The Americans in Kentucky will be slaughtered. Then we will overrun the Moslems and force their "Allah" to bow to Kali. And then the Hebrew God will fall and finally the Christian God will be cast down and forgotten.

    Gov. Beshear: Kali Ma protects us! We are her children! We pledge our devotion to her with an offering of flesh… and blood!

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Mr. Williams shouldn't worry — according to many Hindus, Christianity is just a subset of Hinduism and Jesus is one of many avatars of the real deity, Brahma. There, I'll bet he's quite mollified at this news.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      They don't allow the mlechcha to join, actually. You can't convert to Hinduism, although sometime in the late 18th or 19th century, some joker made up a bunch of mumbo-jumbo for white folks to say that might convince them it worked. You're either born one or you ain't. Joiners not wanted.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I'm thinking of the other way around — I've had Hindus tell me that according to their understanding of it, everybody's actually a Hindu since their religion incorporates all possible deities (not that they necessarily want converts). It also drives some Christian missionaries up the wall even now, when they think they've converted a Hindu to Jesus only to find their mark has just added Jesus to the pantheon without giving a rat's ass about worshipping him exclusively.

        1. Herring_Burnit

          True. (snicker) There's a wonderful description of the Indian Christians and their blue-skinned Jesus in, I think, Midnight's Children. Later Christian converts are often treated with contempt throughout Asia, where they're most commonly referred to as "rice Christians," i.e., converts for food and money. This is in part due to the fact that Western colonizers defended the rights of Christian converts to the detriment of native practitioners of their own religions. Descriptions of Vietnam under the French or China wherever Christian missionaries had made inroads are particularly edifying, and infuriating.

  13. RadioOcupados

    Hey Williams, could you explain that whole "trinity" thingy to me again. Because I must have nodded off during catechism a few decades ago.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Havelock tried to top Napier with a message following his capture of Lucknow after a long siege in 1857: Nunc fortunatus sum Not bad, but since the intended translation "I am in luck, now" isn't really forced, you still have to give the nod to Sir Charles. Still, a jolly good show from Sir Henry.

    1. weejee

      What I recall is that it's a spiritual trifecta with a three-way photo finish tie. Radio, you'll have to check with your bookie to see what the current odds are. But hey, if it comes in the payout will be incredible.

    2. bebecca2298

      a rightwing fundy once explained it to me this way. God=father/son/holy spirit and they're the same and not the same like 1x1x1=1. How does anyone believe that crap?

  14. Dr_Zoidberg

    Do these frickin' dillweeds realize that the religions they put down are practiced by some of their constituents?!

    Morons.

  15. SexySmurf

    The polytheistic Situation has six arms and a six pack.

    (That was my second Jersey Shore themed post in as many days. I am truly sorry.)

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Stop being polite, and start being Rawalpindi.

        (Yes, I know, that's Pakistan. But whoever divided India needs to get fucked.)

  16. edgydrifter

    But spending every Sunday morning ritually cannibalizing the corpse of the son of God is totally cool and not at all creepy.

  17. orygoon

    I used to live in Texas. A *university* town in Texas. And the local paper had a great idea for one of those weekday fillers: local feelgood story about a first grade teacher who had her class settle down for the day by sitting down on the floor–they carpet them these days–and having a few meditative minutes. Sort of like that y-word, youknowhatimsayin? With a cute picture. And you would not BELIEVE the uproar. UNCHRISTIAN HEATHEN PAGAN CORRUPTION OF OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN OF JEEBUS!

    What GuanoFaucet said up there, in a chorus.

  18. anniegetyerfun

    BROWN PEOPLE THERE WERE BROWN PEOPLE THERE AND HE SAT WITH THEM AND PRAYED TO THEIR BROWN MOOSELIMB GOD PROBABLY.

    1. Herring_Burnit

      Twenty or thirty, I should think. Upanishads, Vedas, Puranas, Devi Bhagavatam, Mahabharata, Ramayana, and many, many more. On the PLUS side, this should impoverish those Christian churches determined to burn the sacred books of the Hindus.

  19. philpjfry

    Maybe in his next life Williams will be a Mesican illegal trying to get by cleaning bathrooms in hell. Karma and all that

  20. franco_pinyon

    Just when you think you've seen the dumbest Republican possible, somebody comes along and pushes the edge of that envelope right over the horizon.

  21. Come here a minute

    This is small potatoes compared to the groundhog-worshipping of Pennsylvania Governor Ted Corbett. Punxatawnism is sacrilege — not what we expect in the United "In [Jeebus] God We Trust" States of Amurca!

  22. Guppy

    David Williams is simply trying to ally himself with the Hindus' natural historical enemies, the Muslims.

    1. Chichikovovich

      And they'll be grateful too. Williams will never have to pay for another mint tea in any Mosque from Fulton county to Huntington.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      I just got back from India, where one of the recent news stories involved the Catholic Church, which is paying Catholic families in the state of Kerala to have more children If you have more than five, they start paying for everything, including some college fees). The Catholic Church also warned Hindus to keep an eye on Muslims, since the Muslim birth rate is currently nominally higher in Kerala than the Hindu birth rate. Not trying to foment religious strife or start bloody riots, or anything, right? Just sayin'. Muslims be breeding, yo. Better RECOGNIZE.

      Fuck, I hate religion.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        Was there anything at all in the Kerala papers about the HUGE FUCKING SCANDALS involving the Catholic church? Rape of nuns and novices, bishop sleeping with (ha ha) the lay faithful, sex orgies in the church?

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Oh, heavens, no. But there was ample coverage of Karina Kapoor's new wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. You know, the important stuff.

          1. Herring_Burnit

            Jesus Christ, how long can they keep the lid on that shit? It's been common knowledge for fucking DECADES and STILL the church is keeping it hidden? Well, you heard it here first. The bishops are screwing the faithful, literally and figuratively. At least they're not doing the little boys — although if they WERE, maybe the lid would have blown by now.

            I hate these fucking people.

      2. Chichikovovich

        Though I've got to admit, if you absolutely must engage in religious conflict, battles carried out by constant, unrestrained, energetic whoopie are preferable to the alternatives.

  23. arihaya

    now we can understand why Steve Beshear supported that ridiculous Creationist Museum, he will build giant Shiva statues in Louisville so long as it help created jobs in KY.

  24. Slim_Pickins

    So now its Hindugate. I wonder what governors Plyush Jindal and Ninrata Halley think of all this?

  25. Chichikovovich

    Polytheistic situation! You know what thet means, Martha? It means the governor's bin worshiping parrots, is what thet means!

          1. Chichikovovich

            Thet's enuff from you son. I don't wan' you tellin me what that prevert has been doin' with his tongue.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    How could you sell out the state to a buncha devil-worship browns instead of a buncha Yankee plutocrats who want to re-establish the peculiar institution of low-wage slavery?!

  27. Fawkdifiknow

    Why do I always feel like the people of Kentucky get the politicians they deserve? Is that a polytheistic perversion I have or what?

    1. bebecca2298

      I live in KY and I don't deserve it but we have a lot of stupid here. The repukes protect guns and god and that's all they care about.

      1. Fawkdifiknow

        I feel your pain. I live in Wisconsin, which has not been doing well lately either!!Dick Heitman

  28. Mumbletypeg

    Psst — Williams, whatever you do, never descend a staircase in the southward direction. It's commonly avoided by Hindus as the direction of the Hell they do not believe in. Also, they really really enjoy having their hair stroked, especially by someone they've just met, and the whole kick-your-shoes-off thing is a hoax, you can march right into one's home fully shod with no reprisals. Don't tell — it'll be our little syncret.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    We get "thug" from the Indian Thugee Cult – wiped out by the British Army. Looks like the GNoP is doing its best to bring it back.

    1. PubOption

      The Koch brothers would be supporters, if it was possible to strangle someone with a knotted paper towel.

    2. schvitzatura

      Which we all know about from the Nicholas Meyer-directed 1988 movie, The Deceivers, starring Pierce Brosnan as a white British Army captain William Savage, who goes "native", to flush out the dread cult, and aid in spreading Anglo-Saxon hegemony over the Subcontinent.

      That or Spielberg's Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, fo sho…

    3. Herring_Burnit

      Given that the British had difficulty putting on their underroos without help, it is a wee bit of an exaggeration on their part to claim that they wiped out the thuggee. Especially since it wasn't so long ago that certain, as they say in that part of the world, types were lurking about in graveyards strangling all and sundry and indulging in unspeakable acts of carnal gratification and whatnot.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        "Especially since it wasn't so long ago that certain, as they say in that part of the world, types were lurking about in graveyards strangling all and sundry and indulging in unspeakable acts of carnal gratification and whatnot. "

        You make that sound like a bad thing.

        1. Herring_Burnit

          Well, one of my cousins was involved, and if you can imagine some bourgeois twit prancing about half-nekky of a night … let's just say the graveyard shenanigans put the fear of various gods into him, but it was an uncomfortable time at the old homestead for those of us as might've been contemplating something similar, if a little more competently and discreetly handled.

  30. southernbeale

    Let's see … Nikki Haley of South Carolina was born a Sikh and Bobby Jindal of Louisiana was born a Hindu but It's OK If You're A Republican!

    Stupid.

  31. Antispandex

    Every wingnut knows that you can't have more than one god. See, if you had more than one, with all of that power, they would get into fights until someone came out on top…hence, one God! Same goes for governors, poitical parties, countries…all of that stuff. This is easy if you just think about it. Or don't. Whatever. But the point is, they are the only people who know the truth, so knock off all of this disagreement crap.

  32. chascates

    In another sign we've entered a parallel universe, Condi Rice on GW Bush (Hannity show via HuffPo):
    Rice also defended President Bush against the perception that he is uncurious and anti-intellectual. "I think the greatest misconception about George W. Bush was that he was somehow not interested, not curious, didn't ask tough questions. I saw more cabinet secretaries go into the Oval Office with their presentations about whatever issue and before they could get to page two, he'd ask the most incisive question that they'd forgotten to prepare for," she said on Fox.

    "And he was a strategic thinker, always looking at the big picture, always looking at how to think about America's values and America's power in a way that would really progress, make the world more progressive, make the world freer, more prosperous. And he was an exceptional president in that way. And I just loved working with him, because he was so insightful. And he also read five books for every one that I read," she continued.

    1. Nostrildamus

      before they could get to page two, he'd ask the most incisive question that they'd forgotten to prepare for

      If there's one part of Condi's beej that rings true, it's that Bush's assistants were ill prepared for the sort of questions that might pop into his head. Kind of like Dr. Steven Chu being "unprepared" for Joe Barton's questioning that demonstrated his complete ignorance of geology.

      1. Herring_Burnit

        Good point. It's like having to meet with the "high-level" non-techie customer-side dweebs who show up for software project meetings and ask you why you can't make the product do something that software simply was never designed to do.

    2. Pat_Pending

      So… that would be Salt, The Stranger, My Pet Goat, and two Shakespeares. Which means Condi's read… hmmm…

    3. Herring_Burnit

      You know, this woman is actually quite intelligent, unlike most of the Repuglytard pretenders. And it really really bothers me that she is capable of such obvious and flagrant self-delusion. It doesn't take keen insight or exceptional powers of observation to note that G.W. Bush, whatever his personal life might have been like, was an ignorant, intellectually incurious, ill-bred and ill-read numbskull who would have trouble keeping up with most of the commenters at this site. For her to make statements like the above, at such divergence with easily-observed reality, is nothing short of sad.

  33. philpjfry

    Maybe he was thinking that everyone has a right to worship any way they chose. "And actualy all them gods are just about the same"

  34. NickDanger007

    State money and government should only support such great investments as the Noah's Ark replica and the moron magnet Creation Museum. Obviously.

        1. Herring_Burnit

          There are crossword puzzles in Sanskrit? Where?

          I need a talking-to, if that's the correct term. My brain is discombobulated. I tend not to drink on a daily basis, these days, but I still do binge-drink occasionally, i.e., drink till I puke. That's what I'm struggling against right now, which is, of course, a hard time for various other reasons. I got news last week of a most unhappy nature, and I have stayed away from alcohol because I do tend to use it to drown my sorrows (OK, the li'l bastids are better swimmers than I'd expected). But the temptation is mighty and I am weak. No, I haven't looked up AA in my neighbourhood. I have a house with nearly 100 stairs from street to bed, and gimpy knees hate stairs.

          I'm asking you a favour: remind me that, however painful this stuff is, life is all about pain, and drinking doesn't take away the pain, it just numbs it. Talk me off this ledge, friend.

          OK, I read this and then laughed, because my main concern is, this shouldn't cut into your work time. I haven't lost it, or anything, I'm just trying to convince myself to stay the fuck away from the booze.

          1. user-of-owls

            Herring, don't know if/how much you've followed the travails of Dewey and I, but we've "been there" as the kids say. In all seriousness, please talk to someone who can help. It doesn't have to be AA, though that's worked tremendously for Dewey. I'm working it through with a therapist. But please, just talk to someone. NOW. I don't give a shit who..family, friends, clergy, butcher, baker, artisan hippie candle-stick maker…ANYONE!
            You are in a dangerous place right now. It would take some digging, but you could look back to both my and Dewey's comments from last spring/summer and it would be a mirror: we felt, said and did the same things you're feeling, saying and doing right now. And we were…and are…there to help, as were many others of this surprisingly kind, tender and yes, loving little mob we have here at Wonk. Talk to us, we know from very, very recent experience what you're going through and we are here for you. We are here for you.
            I have to go, damnit, but I'll be looking for you. We usually occupy older threads to avoid dumping this sort of painful, serious stuff in the middle of an active snark fest, so follow me and Dewey…we'll do the same for you. Take care friend.

  35. fuflans

    i got nothing. this country has just come thru an economic crisis of epic proportions, we are on the verge of – if not already in – a double dip recession, out biggest trading partner is in a self induced political meltdown, we can't create jobs and unemployment is at a generational high. we are fat, lazy, diabetic and depressed.

    and the commonwealth of kentucky questions the religion of people willing to actually invest money in us?

  36. Negropolis

    Beshear is the guy who has overseen the creation of a Creationism amusement park and whose state put in its emergency prepardness plan an appeal to the Almighty, right?

    Mr. Williams, you are so fucked. Kentucky, you so damned crazy.

  37. schvitzatura

    No worse than when Gary and Wyatt sat around their Memotech MTX512 with an FDX add-on, with jockstraps on their heads, chanting:

    I lo mee li I lo la la mala kroo kara kara chal do le mo le lo

    David Williams, like older brother Chet, does not approve…

  38. schvitzatura

    Bali Mangthi Kali Ma!
    Shakthi Degi Kali Ma!!
    Kali ma… Kali ma… Kali ma, shakthi deh!!!

    And now a stereotypical four-course meal, consisting of baby snakes, eyeball soup, beetles and chilled monkey brains shall be served…

    Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye, Om Namha Shivaye…

  39. Schmegeg

    Chop off his, or somebody's, head and stick the head of an elephant on him. That will teach hims a thing or two, and he'll be a tourist attraction way bigger than any Creationist theme park.

  40. Nostrildamus

    I give credit to Williams thinking outside the box. Hmmm, there must be some religion I can hate on that's not been done yet, ….

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