EMOTIONAL WEATHER REPORT  1:49 pm November 2, 2011

Massive U.S. Power Outages To Get Much Worse, More Frequent

by Ken Layne

Oh well, nothing good was planned anyway.Oh, sad face again: Millions are still without power in the U.S. Northeast, for about the fifth time this year. Whether caused by hurricanes, October blizzards, tornadoes, earthquakes or mysteriously unknown reasons, the East Coast has been slammed by one catastrophic blackout after another. And experts say it’s just going to get worse, everywhere, as the “new abnormal” of constant horrific superstorms and other natural/unnatural disasters wreak havoc on the nation’s worn-out old power grid. Once the declining reserves of foreign oil stop flowing to America — and that can happen immediately with a simple organized shutdown of the major U.S. ports — we might as well walk away from our worthless over-mortgaged houses and just set up a tent in the woods. Not like we’ve got jobs to go to, or money to spend on more worthless plastic bullshit. God, capitalist civilization has turned out to be a massive fraud.

The New York Times reports today:

No one can know for sure if this is just the eternally unpredictable chaos of weather on earth or it is something more ominous; call it the new abnormal. But in recent years, suburban and rural residents have found themselves facing multiple disruptions like Mr. Frohne’s. Experts say the violent weather of the past few years in the Northeast is stressing the 20th century above-ground utility grid as never before, along with the people who depend on it.

Few solutions are in sight. A report by the Edison Electric Institute updated at the end of 2010 said that over the past 10 years, at least 11 states studied putting utility lines underground — usually after devastating storms — only to find it too expensive. “To date, no state utility commission has recommended wholesale undergrounding of the utility infrastructure,” it concluded.

Listen, we will help you with these problems: Live in a modestly-sized, well-insulated home. Use the last of your “consumer credit” to buy some solar panels and a solar hot-water system and maybe a low-profile wind-energy generator like the Windspire, and then cut up the cards and recycle the plastic and then recycle your mailbox, because you’re not going to repay these debts or any other debts, ever. Don’t watch teevee. Stay warm by exercising and having sex (with other people, not the computer). Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, round up all the media people and politicians and bank managers and Wall Street executives and dump them all into the (abandoned) corporate sporting event stadiums. Then they can use all those “dog eat dog” metaphors to stay alive. Build a snowman! Or gender-neutral Snow Being. Worship it, or not. Do some fruit and vegetable canning, give a hoot, etc. [NYT via The Awl]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 182 comments }

nounverb911 November 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm

It's those damn trees that do it everytime, let's get rid of them!

DaSandman November 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Cause remember kids, when you lose electricity you lose civilization…

nounverb911 November 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

And the Wonkette.

Geminisunmars November 2, 2011 at 2:05 pm

That's the worst part of it all.

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Yes, let's remember who the real victims are here, and light a candle (or use your "candle" app on the iphone) for the Northeast Wonkeurs and Wonkeuses, whose snark reserves may be dwindling into the red zone as we type.

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Here in the urban parts of the square state, most of our electric lines are underground, so even when we have a wet, heavy snow with leaves still on the trees like we did last night and today, I never have to worry about losing my connection to the Won

Guppy November 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

You can still connect on a laptop over dialup.

Naked_Bunny November 2, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I knew I was keeping that AOL account for something!

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 2, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Plus how will I get ice for my gin and tonic?

LesPaultard November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Here in Michigan, we wonder how we'll keep the tonic from freezing.

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:40 pm

That's what the gin is for, silly.

Guppy November 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Chateau d'Prestone.

Sue4466 November 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm

We could try energy conservation or improving our infrastructure, but fuck that. More tax cuts will solve this problem!

American Exceptionalism!

spends2much November 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm

It's OK, in a few months President Perry can hold a big rally to pray for better weather. Except he'd probably give Jeebus a shout-out for hating on New York, so that won't help the East Coast much…

SorosBot November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Still, bad snow is not a problem compared to a state literally being on fire. Where was Rick's Jesus last summer?

spends2much November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Perry can't take a hint. Even the Texas Rangers now know what Jesus thinks of that state.

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

And don't forget making sure we set aside one day every week for Congress to debate and then reaffirm that "In God we Trust" is the US motto.

OKthennext November 2, 2011 at 10:09 pm

How is burying the freaking power lines ONCE "too expensive", compared to replacing the overhead lines Five Times Per Year!!???!!

Math is hard?

GunToting[Redacted] November 2, 2011 at 1:52 pm

This is how society ends. Not with a bang, but with whatever sound a powerpole makes when it hits the ground.

nounverb911 November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Just ask the people of Pompeii.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The electrical infrastructure of Pompeii was crap.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

And when I visited I never had the right AC adapter. Damn Europeans.

SorosBot November 2, 2011 at 2:30 pm

We don't have to worry about anything like that; it's not like Wyoming is sitting on top of a supervolcano that's overdue for an eruption that would destroy most of the Western US and Canada or anything.

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Oh, Oh. Calgary just elected a Muslim mayor. You northwest Wonkettistas, better invest in some magma-resistant siding. Just in case Pat Robertson is right for once. His losing streak can't keep up forever.

GunToting[Redacted] November 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Maybe the Mormon Magic Underoos are Nomex!

whiterabid November 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Zap?

nounverb911 November 2, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Needs more global warming.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Thank fuck those Y2K Twinkies still have another 9, 989 years before they go stale.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Future historians will look back upon these times, labeling it the Obestiscene Era.

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Ending, no doubt, when Jebus hurls another giant fireball at the Earth, at the All of them, Ka-Tie Boundary.

BigDumbRedDog November 2, 2011 at 1:55 pm

We don't need none of that socialist infrastructure here!!!!!1!!1! Pay for your own damn power grid, also!

DaRooster November 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

… socialist crumbling infrastructure…

(its more delicious)

hagajim November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

NEEDS MOAR JUICE!

WhatTheHolyHeck November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Finally, the Tesla generator's time as come at last.

Smitros November 2, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Not so sure. Have they even had an album out in five years?

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:14 pm

More like ten.

Lucidamente1 November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Is "Ken Layne" the secret Wonkette identity of James Howard Kunstler?

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I'm pretty sure his favorite cartoon character as a child was Eeyore.

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I did prefer Jay Farrar to Jeff Tweedy in Uncle Tupelo ….

Midway117 November 2, 2011 at 3:14 pm

It's hard being a Farrar lover in a world gone Wilco mad.

bureaucrap November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

good plan; as it turns out, I was going to have sex anyways.

BaldarTFlagass November 2, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Me too. Does it count if no one else is present?

HistoriCat November 2, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Yes but you can't score higher than a 5.

MOG2410 November 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Sounds like a plan, we'll have to generate our own heat.

Poindexter718 November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I shall invest in a generator that is powered by burning our debased currency.

WunkRocker November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Hey this sh*t never happens in Greece. Eat my Drachma beyotches.

hagajim November 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

"nation’s worn-out old power grid"

Sounds like someone needs a new vibrator.

JustPixelz November 2, 2011 at 2:16 pm

How will our remote control dildos work without god-given free electrons?

hagajim November 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

horrific superstorms

Is this what they call the panel of GOP candidates (just with a shit inserted between super and storm)?

Eve8Apples November 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Get off your asses Job Creators! Upgrade the utility system and convert to renewable power resources. You don't expect the Kenyan socialist moozlin to do everything around here, do you?

HistoriCat November 2, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Nobody is going to get a bonus for a major expenditure which pays off over decades! What would the analysts think??

yrbmegr November 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

So power companies get to lose money by operating below capacity because they can't afford to replace the wires blown down by the storms. That's an upside-down bass-ackwards catch 22 for a corporate person.

BigDumbRedDog November 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

If you have luxuries like electricity then you can't really be poor.

proudgrampa November 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

"we might as well walk away from our worthless over-mortgaged houses and just set up a tent in the woods. Not like we’ve got jobs to go to, or money to spend on more worthless plastic bullshit. God, capitalist civilization has turned out to be a massive fraud. "

I love you, Ken.

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

love you Here's a hug, Ken.

All better now.

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I love you too, Gramps. Now let's use the remaining battery power in this 1990s Mac PowerBook to blow up the Alien Supership.

ManchuCandidate November 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I fully expect part of the increase in bad weather is due to hot air (from increased high pitched squealing denial) and increased methane levels due to more frequent feces throwing from the wingnutters and their 1% puppet masters.

I would laugh at those fucks for being horribly wrong if not for the fact that I now have to roam the wastelands wearing hockey pads and assless chaps as I search for gas and dog food while singing "We don't need another hero."

GhostBuggy November 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I, for one, will choose the robes. Better to cover my hideous mutation from worshiping the unexploded nuclear bomb as a god in my underground lair.

WunkRocker November 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Look, I'm sure 99.9% of Wonkos have only seen chaps in gay-strip-black-light-enema-pits. But all chaps are assless. Assless chaps is like saying Adulterating Gingriches. Or fat-assed Limbaughs.
**hmmm, I forgot about all the fucking lawyers on Harley Davidsons, those douchebags have seen chaps before. I was just thinking of the gay cowboys, not the gay bikers.***

MOG2410 November 2, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Makes it easier to bend over for Master Blaster.

Dumbedup November 2, 2011 at 3:18 pm

wait…still laughing! You don't have to wear assless chaps, or is that a requirement of the apocalypse?

HateMachine November 3, 2011 at 1:58 am

You'd think we'd finally be free after the total collapse of civilization, but no. There's a dress code.

Goonemeritus November 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

We just need to get one of the countries that really hate us to bomb us flat. Afterwards we could have jobs rebuilding it all shiny new think of all the problems this would solve.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:03 pm

And…it would be our duty to repopulate. So, lots and lots of warming sex.

OccupytheDashboard November 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Burying the wires…bad idea. There was a 70s documentary (i.e. bad B-horror movie) about how a broken wire fell on the ground in some southern swampy locale and the electricity turned the worms into squiggly little horror death machines. Think of Hitchcock's "The Birds"…except with worms.

FNMA November 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm

"Squirm!" Great movie, at least it was on MST3K. I believe the sequel was titled "Squirmish."

CarnyTrash November 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

"Mr. Beardsley!"

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I watched that and Manos, the Hands of Fate for Halloween. It is tradition.

OccupytheDashboard November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Thanks!!! I couldn't remember the name of the flick to save my life. I kept looking up Worm!, Wurm, Vurm, etc.

ShaveTheWhales November 2, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Squirm and Squirmisher

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

It is a weakness of the administration's alternative energy policy that they haven't considered the possibility of electricity creating squiggly little horror death machines. You can bet Michele Bachmann is just itching to play the Killer Worm card.

Smitros November 2, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I think I got that in a Tarot reading once. Scared the hell out of me.

OneYieldRegular November 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

"No one can know for sure if this is just the eternally unpredictable chaos of weather on earth…"

The NYT deserves to be buried in 100 meters of snow for allowing a line like that to pass the editorial desk.

proudgrampa November 2, 2011 at 2:06 pm

It WAS a dark and stormy night…

ShaveTheWhales November 2, 2011 at 11:18 pm

A shot rang out…

nounverb911 November 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I thought John Galt solved the electricity problem with his static electric thingy.

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Today/ this year we are all "going to go spend more time with family" champions,
as we step down from long-held mortgage-balancing and WalMart $ale stampeding obligations; instead, playing board games by candlelight and singing "Pop-tarts roasting on an open fire"~

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Power outage nights are *always* the most fun nights around here. Board games and guitars and the fireplace and the kids scaring the shit out of each other with ghost stories is so much better than "can we please watch our hour of dvd now?"

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Agreed. As long as what goes *bump* in the night isn't an overturned lit candle in chain reaction to an especially frightening story!
Charades too, also — nice shadowy effects, and again, mind the open flames.

SorosBot November 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

That picture looks like there's, at most, an inch or two of snow. Where is that from that's so wimpy that they'd cancel anything for such a tiny amount of snow?

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm
donner_froh November 2, 2011 at 2:16 pm

That's just the top inch.

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

That's what Lindsey said.

kissawookiee November 2, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Honolulu? Climate change is a bitch these days.

Schmannnity November 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Is it remotely possible that utilities should be spending more on infrastructure and hardening transmission wires and less on dividends?

Guppy November 2, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Next you'll be demanding that utilities commissions do their jobs, with the oversight and such.

prommie November 2, 2011 at 3:14 pm

The invisible hand says they can do whatever the fuck they want, because they are a monopoly, and the customers can fuck off if they don't like it.

NorthStarSpanx November 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Perhaps maybe, the Common-Sense-Conservative-Time-Tested-Truths of scorched earth solutions are appropriate here? Raze all the bothersome trees in the Northeast (bonus: for GOP direct mailers) and the problem of union maintenance and clean-up is done with. And think of all the lost revenue by free market energy suppliers. . .

Now Huntsman, the man whose family is in the business in handling that rascally fungible commodity (oil,) where in your domestic oil drilling policy unveiled today does it address this curious predicament not at all dependent on the foreign oil market?

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, round up all the media people and politicians and bank managers and Wall Street executives and dump them all into the (abandoned) corporate sporting event stadiums.

Better yet, gather up all the morbidly obese people and harvest their excess blubber for heating oil. Shit, the sheer number of folks in Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia alone should be enough to keep us warm until approximately 2074.

CrunchyKnee November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Shouldn't be too hard to harpoon a few teabaggers off'n their Rascals and such for blubber.

ProgressiveInga November 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Hey, watch it. I live in GA and we need those phatties here as a deterrent. Nothing makes me work harder on the elliptical machine than being in the row behind a 350+ lb. 27-year old watching Paula Deen cooking up a mess of deep-fried-butter-on-a-stick on The Food Channel!

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 2:50 pm

From soybean to soylent oil. Progress!

SayItWithWookies November 2, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Geeze Ken, it's like you think turning every aspect of American society into a commodity isn't necessarily good for people. Turns out that the real problem is we haven't commodified enough of America yet — as soon as those horrible utilities shut down and people build their own power grids out of foil gum wrappers and looted copper cables, our energy problems will solve themselves.

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:45 pm

You are right. I'm gonna go apologize to the Constitution now.

freakishlywrong November 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Today, we are all worn out old power grids denying climate change and living in igloos. Eating bankers.

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"Pass me the Grey Pooped-on.."

prommie November 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

World Made By Hand, Ken?

LiveToServeYa November 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Jobs Made By Hand

jodyleek November 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

But Ken, what about my vibrators? Is there a solar panel version of the Rabbit Pearl or the Hitachi wand?

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I am sure there is, but you need the pedal attachment for cloudy days.

jodyleek November 2, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Spinning class will be so much more enjoyable!

Eve8Apples November 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Richard Simmons' next exercise DVD …"Masturbating to the Oldies"

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 3:06 pm

MY EYES!

Eve8Apples November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

If all else fails, we can always resort to having sex with a penis.

jodyleek November 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I have sex with the Hitachi wand AND a penis, at the same time! My husband likes to think his penis is magical, but it can't be two places at the same time, if you know what I mean, and I think you do…

Eve8Apples November 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

In my house, we call that "multitasking."

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Rechargeable batteries don't care whether the recharging energy comes from Saudi Terrorist Oil or that thing up there, whatever it's called, the "Day Moon."

Naked_Bunny November 2, 2011 at 3:17 pm

They will once manufacturers start digitally signing your batteries so they can only be used with approved chargers.

widestanceshakedown November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Can't we just render the poor, since they're so full of unused HFCS-generated BTUs anyway?

McRibzgood November 2, 2011 at 2:08 pm

A-MIR-A-CAN IN-FRO-STRUK-CHORE? I do not know of these things of what you speak.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Are you from our future??

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Do they have McRibs in the future?

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Well, yes. But, they are the same McRibs we have in the Present. Have you ever wondered why those are only on the menu intermittently? An evervigilant semi-truck roves the continent to keep the stockpile of McRibs safe from terrorists.

edgydrifter November 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Herman Cain says: "Your house is cold? Set it on fire! Now you're warm–problem solved!"

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

"And I have the facts that back this up!"

paris biltong November 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

America, on the road to "The Road".

Monsieur_Grumpe November 2, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I happen to be deigning some electronic stuff for this so called smart grid and I'd like to think I have a fairly accurate assessment of the state of the infrastructure. All I can say is the wolves need to eat too.

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Without snark…

Really? Cool. (About the designing part, not so much the wolves part, although, I like wolves, so if my fate is to be eaten by a wolf in our long apocalyptic winter, I can accept that.)

McRibzgood November 2, 2011 at 2:11 pm

For Ken this is a pretty happy post. Normally when I see his name on the by-line I expect a story about radioactive zombies with killer bees coming to kill me.

edgydrifter November 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

And the killer bees shoot tiny rabid dogs from their mouths.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

And the rabid dogs have acid for pee.

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Stephen King is going to be so pissed that y'all gave away the plot for his next novel.

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

You forgot LAZERS!

HateMachine November 3, 2011 at 2:04 am

It's happy-ish because Ken is getting pre-nostalgic for the post-apocalypse.

Hell, after playing Fallout: New Vegas I can't say I wouldn't have a good time in the wasteland.

coolhandnuke November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

To stay warm I've been burning my Y2K Survival Kits.
Yep, someday our mortal Tesla coil will run out of juice.

Eve8Apples November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Bibles make great kindling, and the Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons will deliver them to your house for free.

BaldarTFlagass November 2, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Now is the time to patent my hamster-wheel electrical generator and buy a chain of pet stores!!!

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Me, I'm going to retire on the profits that are going to roll in from my combination Liposuction Clinic – Kerosene Lamp Supply franchises.

Ken Layne November 2, 2011 at 2:49 pm

At #OWS, you can charge your cell phone from an exercise-bicycle-powered generator … or volunteer for a 15 minute turn at being the actual source of energy. It is fun!

Blueb4sunrise November 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

This is why learning drumming is important. We'll still be able to snark over long distances by banging on abandoned SUVs.

mormos November 2, 2011 at 2:15 pm

YOU FIRST KEN!

CZL November 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Every time I read a Ken Layne post I end up wanting to die. If I had a gun right now I'd shoot myself.

ProgressiveInga November 2, 2011 at 2:26 pm

No 2nd Amendment remedies, plz. Cheer up, the Hermanator hasn't dropped out of the race yet! Comedy will likely ensue………

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

"That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done."

You're a true patriot, CZL!

CZL November 2, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I don't get it.

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Lame reference to the head clown in this story.

BigDumbRedDog November 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

This is why I'm looking forward to the zombie apocalypse. Because things can't really get any worse, right?

snarkycomments November 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Just so long as it's "Walking Dead" zombies not "I am Legend" zombies. I sit in front of the computer too much to outrun those leaping freaks from the Will Smith movie.

donner_froh November 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Stay warm by exercising and having sex (with other people, not the computer)
I will stay warm by having sex with myself–it's free and I'm doing it with someone I love.

Chichikovovich November 2, 2011 at 2:30 pm

And, as Jean Paul Sartre said (really, he did!): The pleasure given equals the pleasure received.

jus_wonderin November 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Totally agree. But sometimes, I have a headache. And the times I have to fake it make me feel guilty.

OccupytheDashboard November 2, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Win for the Tom Waits reference.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Haven't you been listening to Glenn Beck? This is all because we elected a Black Socialist President. It is God's revenge. Now is we would just elect someone that would fully privatise the electrical system, as God intended, all would be fine. After all, that worked out wonderfully for California early last decade, didn't it?

MOG2410 November 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Enron will rise again!!!

ShaveTheWhales November 2, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Grey Davis doesn't "like" this remark.

Trannysurprise November 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

one catastrophic blackout after another

I'm pretty sure the ignorant hillbillys in the South think this means something different than it does.

MzNicky November 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Oh, for cryin' out loud. This is all a big fraud being perpetrated on the US taxpayer by socialist fake scientists who serve as foot soldiers for Al Gore, who is fat and is laughing at everyone from his 300,000-sq.-ft. house with its giant heated helioport. All y'all just simmer down and quit hating America.

Redhead November 2, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I knew this was going to be a Ken story the minute I saw the headline in my RSS feed, before I even opened the page.

Now, if God really did exist, he'd bury Palin and Bachmann and the rest of the clowns in one of these massive snow drifts, where they'd be found next spring.

RadioOcupados November 2, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Remember when that Mr. Obama guy talked about modernizing the grid to accommodate renewable energy sources? Fuck, the only thing he renewed was the Bush tax cuts.

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:21 pm

{head in hands, anguish}

PhilippePetain November 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm

"Yeah, we COULD make some needed infrastructure changes that keep the olds warm at night, but that's just too expensive. Meanwhile, did you know that the Tower Heist is available on On Demand for the low price of $60 on openeing night and comes with a free coupon for pig-anus pizza?

Please, INDULGE. YOU ARE ALL KINGS."

Midway117 November 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I actually laughed at the trailer for that. I know it will suck rat dicks.

PhilippePetain November 2, 2011 at 9:41 pm

My friend just saw that they were advertising the same time opening on on demand so that you could watch it in your home for the same price as…three movie tickets and I basically was like what the fuck. Either Brett Ratner has an even more ridiculous ego than previously imagined or they really expect rich fucks to like this piece of shit.

Anyway, Fuck all that shit.

chicken_thief November 2, 2011 at 2:28 pm

This wouldn't happen if Bush was still Prez. Jes sayin….

Lucidamente1 November 2, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Because stuff like this never happened:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northeast_blackout_o

chicken_thief November 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

"Stay warm by exercising and having sex (with other people, not the computer). "

If the fucking CEO of a major pizza chain can't get some pussy on the side, what chance do I have?!!!

x111e7thst November 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm

But at least all the extra snow proves there is no global warming.

meatlofer November 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Everything in Alaska has been cancelled for the last 2000 years!

bflrtsplk November 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Darkness darkness
Be my pillow
Take my hand
Let me sleep
In the coolness of your shadow
In the silence of your deep.

DaRooster November 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Have the military put them lines underground… they'll need something to do when they get back… since war is over.

Antispandex November 2, 2011 at 2:39 pm

See what happens when we don't let the free market handle these things? Um, I mean, see what happens when the government won't let the private companies rebuild America?…no, wait that's not it either. See, less regulation…and, tax cuts… Ah, crap, I give up.

chicken_thief November 2, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Clearly a "gotcha" question from the lamestream media.

prommie November 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I need to know how many people are coming with me, so I know how big a boat to get. A sailboat. Who's with me? Caribbean situation, Robinson-Crusoe, Swiss Family Robinson Commune scenario?

flamingpdog November 2, 2011 at 3:04 pm

300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits. And only if limeylizzie and barb march on board, 2 x 2.

smashaduck November 2, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I'm in. Let's face, you're gonna need some lesbians. We fix shit.

actor212 November 2, 2011 at 2:52 pm

God Hates Farads

el_donaldo November 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Good points all, Ken. But I'm still going to buy a gas-powered generator first.

mrblifil November 2, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I'm accepting resumes for the human-sex-having part. It's high time I did something to make a difference.

HistoriCat November 2, 2011 at 3:15 pm

round up all the media people and politicians and bank managers and Wall Street executives and dump them all into the (abandoned) corporate sporting event stadiums.

Uh, Ken – some people might say that you could be considered a "media person".

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Seriously, though, my mom just read this book called "Reinventing Collapse: The Soviet Example and American Prospects" by Dmitri Orlov and it basically says exactly that:

Get some solar panels for your house/hut/hovel now, because when oil becomes too scarce not just to feed the cars, but to generate electricity, our shit is going to unravel, and faster than anyone can imagine.

Get some chickens and goats, too, also.

natoslug November 2, 2011 at 9:38 pm

I've got chickens, goats and sheep, and just installed solar hot water, as well as all of the conduit and infrastructure for PV. Unfortunately, I'm short of funds for the actual panels. Hopefully one of my neighbors will install some soon and the Invisible Hand and I can go confiscate them.

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Sheep! I considered sheep, but I think the process of shearing, carding, spinning, knitting, etc. is just too much. There will be plenty of sweaters to scavenge until the end of time.

natoslug November 3, 2011 at 12:48 am

I got little Scottish sheep: Soay. They need rooing, not shearing, so you just pull the wool. And they're much easier on the land than regular sheep. Although when one of the little bastards nails you in the knees while trying to escape, it can be quite unpleasant (they aren't exactly domesticated).

emmelemm November 3, 2011 at 2:31 am

They need rooing, not shearing, so you just pull the wool.

So, you brush them, then? Like l'il kitties?

Anyway, kudos on the mini-farm. I may have to come live with you, in the endtimes.

LiveToServeYa November 2, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Oh, man, is the world supposed to end AGAIN?

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Oh, go back to bed, Harold Camping.

Generation[redacted] November 2, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I bet offshore drilling would fix this.

emmelemm November 2, 2011 at 3:46 pm

And tax cuts. Moar tax cuts. With tax cuts, corporations will have money to invest in alternative technologies. Right? Right?

{sob}

Dumbedup November 2, 2011 at 3:46 pm

O.K, so making a list here based on all the wise advice in these comments, so uh, assless chaps, solar panels, non digital porn and vodka (that last one is my suggestion).

datateday November 2, 2011 at 3:51 pm

"God, capitalist civilization has turned out to be a massive fraud. "
Not really. With the lease of your tents expired, I get 'em back. Works well, I say!

glamourdammerung November 2, 2011 at 6:16 pm

ELECTRICITY IS SOCIALIZMZ!!!1!!!111!

horsedreamer_1 November 2, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Since you're elviouslyqueer, I am forced to assume your disdain for Simmons is a product of antisemitism.

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