This is a screen capture from the exciting beggar’s epistle that arrived in our inbox today from Michele Bachmann! See it there at the bottom, that last sentence? Right, so here’s our question: does this mean Michele Bachmann would actually, personally write “Thank you, Jism! Love, Michele” in one of her vulgar vampire fiction books if we sent her $125?
And for $300, will she take “Jism” to the buffet at Ponderosa Steakhouse? What will Michele Bachmann do with “Jism” for $1000?? Gross, we are not going to think about it. (Ha ha, we just made all of you think about it, though.)
And oh look, here is some hawt tabloid gossip from ABC News featuring Michele Bachmann’s former campaign manager Ed Rollins calling her used-up gutter trash:
“She’s still saying the same things she said in the first the debate. There’s no substance. She says, ‘I’m going to repeal Obamacare.’ But she’s been saying that from Day 1. I told her: That’s your Tea Party speech, now you have to say what you’re going to do next.”
BURN. Marcus Bachmann will secretly lick Ed Rollins’ autographed copy of the book before it is mailed out. [Michele Bachmann's Eternally Annoying Spam List/ABC News]
{ 144 comments }
It was just a matter of time before the truth came out about Marcus's "clinic".
What will Michele Bachmann do with “Jism” for $1000??
The same thing Marcus will do with it for $100.
"The same thing Marcus will do with it
forand pay $100.""and about my accidental career in politics"
Yes, it has been quite a train wreck, eh?
For 500 bucks she'll sign it in Ronnie Reagan's reconstituted piss
Thorazine is fucking expensive.
Core of conviction, with a periphery of unproved charges and no end of unverified rumors.
A great epitaph.
$125 is even more than Shatner charges for his autograph, and that man is a national treasure, not a national joke like one-l.
SHAT-MAN WIN!!!!
There was even a (probably just for laughs) movement to have him named the next Canadian Governor-General. Until it was pointed out that he lacked the one quality essential in a ceremonial, diplomatic post like that: the ability to go extended periods of time without acting like a douchebag.
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINNN!!!1!
How many copies will be purchased using campaign donations? Right now, Cain has the record.
Buy my new book, "How To Steal Campaign Money And Not Get Caught!". While supplies last!
With a foreword by Christine O'Donnell.
I am NOT a witch!
Her Core of conviction should be at least 15-20 years, with no time off for good behavior except at the periphery.
How can I contribute to the cause? By this I mean getting Michele to sign a book “Thank you, Jism for all you have given! Love, Michele”
"Yes, Michele, just sign it to my friend Irving Peter Freely — if you just give the first two initials and then the last name it will be fine. Yep, then just `Michele Bachmann', nothing more. Oh, and could you ask Marcus to sign one for my friend Heywood?"
It's only $125 if her name is spelled correctly.
She'll use the Richard M Nixon memorial autopen like all republicans.
A good book for the fire place, You know,…to read by it.
The only reason I would want to read about her Minnesota life is to find out whether she fucked Richard Katz or not.
Organs. Wake me when she starts auctioning off her own human organs on eBay. I'll start the bidding at $125 for her left Crazy Eye.
Come to think of it… has anyone actually counted her adopted children recently?
The grift is strong with this one. Your move Lou Sarah.
Thats some serious snail trail. And she thought she was just oozing confidence.
Accidental career in politics? So she didn't actually intend to run for office?
Well, that's one accident that can be fixed with a simple resignation–see Saint Sarah for the how – to…
For $250, will you hold the pen in your "special way?"
Of all the disturbing images ………ACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.
Only if it's a fountain pen
As in Marcus's reach-around?
So she can give her "John hand-cock?"
That is such a win!
"Core of Conviction"? Is this about Marcus getting busted for man-on-man hardcore porn?
"There’s no substance." In what she sais. I believe this philosopher summed it up the best…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6_1Pw1xm9U
The scary thing to me is what would all of these Conservatives do with their money if it wasn't being grifted from them by the people supposedly running for president…, or Sarah Palin? Heck, maybe the economy would actually start moving again if they took the $125 and did something useful with it, like hire a prostitute.
Plus how did Crazy Eyes: Crazy Brain lose out to Core of Conviction.
Depending on who the conservative in question is, they would:
- donate it to fundy TV preachers
- use it to pay for hookers (of various kinds) and crystal meth
- invest in NASCAR memorabilia
- spend it during numerous trips through the Taco Bell drive through.
- cheap beer and/or even cheaper hard liquor.
Obviously, Jism wrote to Marcus, you dumb cunt.
"… about my 'accidental' career in politics…"
You got that right…
Oooops I'm in politics!
That's probably when she hit her head
I was thinking 'catastrophy', but whatever.
The books original title, "Whore of Conviction" was rejected in favor of just outright whoring anything she could.
Nevertheless, blowing Mexicans behind the Walmart in St. Cloud for .50 a piece still doesn't bring in the cash the way her campaign had hoped.
That's because Marcus keeps giving the Frequent Customer discount to everyone.
Not in the hair, Mr. Jism!
"Tafetta, Darling"
Michele Bachmann – Core of Conviction: My Story
She1ey Bachmann – Corpse of Convictions: My Story
/ fixed
"accidental career in politics"
Train wreck/plane crash/Bhopal. Accidents all.
Huge upfist for the Union Carbide reference!
Stranger yet, Filene's Basement reportedly is going under.
And taking Syms with it.
I also will contribute toward your purchase of this autographed book for Ms. Bachmann's staunch supporter Jism. By the way, Ed Rollins is a dickwad who seems to eke out a living by "managing" campaigns for losers, quitting, then going on the TV to trash-talk about what a loser his former client is. Not that he's incorrect or anything, but still.
Core of Conviction?
Guess "Basis of Batshit" was taken.
"Acme™ of Avarice" had a trademark issue, but "Diva of Dementia" was free…
"Essence of Emptiness" has a nice ring to it. Sounds all philosophical like. Like that guy Hi-digger that they named post-hole augers after.
Not to mention the "Forte of Falafel"….oh wait, that's an O'Reilly trademark. This isn't as easy as you think.
For the sequel there's always Infrastructure of Ignorance, or maybe Substrate of Stupidity.
Underpinning of Underwhelming?
"To my dear friend Jism, without whom I could not be where I am today."
I’d love to send her the money but I’m a little taped out after paying for all my elective abortions and Che Guevara logoed assless chaps.
You need one of those frequent abortion cards. After just nine abortions the tenth one is free! You get half a stamp for morning after pills and double stamps for late term. Refer a friend for 50% off your next procedure. And, if you have an abortion party you can get a free abortion as host.
She should sell her own Fleshlight, with molds of both the front and the back entrance. Now THAT would raise some money.
Dear Jism:
I never thought this would happen to me…
I would just like to say.
LOOK AT HER FUCKIN' HEAD!!!!!! IT'S LIKE A KICK BALL ONTOP OF A PIXI STICK!!!!
(this comment is 100% snark free)
Is this what you're trying to reference?
Dear Mrs Bachmann:
Enclosed is my check for $125. Please sign my copy of your book and make it out to Heywood Jablomie.
Yours Truly,
Heywood."
Uneeda Ryder Sybian would also love a signed copy.
DO NOT WANT!!
Well, her DIRTY autograph may be worth 125.00 $, but her regular old scrawl? Not so much.
I just can't wait to read a book about someone growing up in Iowa.
Does it involve a journey of sexual self-discovery?
"A Combine Runs Through It" ?
"His Name Was Jism" – movie based on the Bachmann campaign
Ah, I might pay that much if she would actually address her missive to Jism.
$125 gets you her signature and 275 pages of LOL KITTY illustrations that is her book. Good deal in my opinion.
god just never says:
"shut the fuck up no one likes you campaign FAIL and go away now"
to wingnuts, does he?
Oh, he does…they just wouldn't be wingnuts if they listened.
Hell, god's been sending a message every Sunday to wingnut Tim Teabow that he's not meant to throw a football, but that guy won't listen either.
Is he a wingnut?
Big time; he's the one who did an ad for hate group Focus on the Family in support of forced childbirth during last year's Superbowl.
Not to mention sending Ndamukong Suh to repeatedly hit him so hard I expected Tebow to emit the Higgs Boson. God can't speak much more emphatically than that.
Well, Oppenheimer did invent the forward pass at U. of C. in 1943.
For the buck-twenty five, would she sign someone else's book? I have in mind TE Lawrence's Seven Pillars of Jismdom. Or maybe I could get Marcus to sign it instead.
on the plus side, if she's signing her autograph, she isn't legislating.
She hasn't been doing that for … well … ever?
I wanna know who ghost-wrote said book, because you know the only part she "wrote" is the personalized autograph (to Jism or whoever.)
I really think I'd rather have mug or a totebag.
All I know about growing up in Minnesota I learned from MST3K and that's the way it's going to stay.
PASS.
how do I get my copy "today" when it's being published "later this month"?
You and your communist "logic".
True fact. When I ordered Benincasa's book on-line from Beers & Noble, I got one e-mail acknowledging my order, followed up shortly by another e-mail saying the book was ready to be shipped, even though the book isn't going to be published until next February.
I'm waiting for Harcore Cunt Friction on DVD.
If she can scam $125 out of her adoring but cognitively impaired fan base, well, more power to her. Seriously. Some people don't deserve to be saved from themselves.
Being married to Marcus, it's rare indeed for one of her evenings to involve jism.
She's a big fan of Santorum so it all works out okay.
from the article:
"Michele Bachmann has “run out of money and ideas"
Somehow I don't think the jingle in Rollin's pocket as he walked away was 'cause he'd loaded up with Shelly's "ideas."
Slander! Michele has some great ideas. After all, the single issue of lightbulb freedom almost propelled fellow wackaloon William Jennings Bryan to the presidency! How soon we forget his stirring "Cross of Neon" speech.
Upfist for the bimetalism reference!
Yes, nobly done.
While I have no doubt that Michele Bachmann is one of Michele Bachmann's strongest supporters, she should hire a competent editor who knows a dangling modifier when he or she sees one.
Dear Jism:
My campaign is in a sticky situation. I don't want to blow it. Please help. I'll sign your Weiner even.
Shelley
I will only buy it….if Michele tells me there is a passage in there about what happened to Marcus's missing blue pills….
She should probably grab some guy's (not Marcus) ding dong if she wants to stay in the race.
I'll bet it needz moar titz.
please, no.
Orly Titz?
While I'm distressed that Michele Bachmann has actually authored something, I'm just relieved it wasn't successful legislation.
A bit off topic, but what's with the pose? She's really making an effort to get those titties out there, isn't she? Did God read my mind and pass on the message to make 'em stand up?!
She prayed them up there.
Get the Gacy bio – more sex and violence.
Jebus H. Kee-RIST on a freakin' ice cream stick, if it's crazy you want, for a lot fewer Ameros, you can preorder Benincasa's new book (I did, sigh) from your favorite megacorporate bookstore, and get a free, personalized hand jive turkey.
Are you getting a commission?
Sadly, no. I have to settle for an emission (self-provided).
Jism? Sounds Arab-y.
I hear the IRS is hiring.
$125? I'll give her $250 for big, steaming mug of STFU.
For $125 I'll donate her some of my dutch floor polish…..
Thank Jeebus for UrbanDictionary or I would be lost sometimes reading our wonkette….
Try this- a work of warped genius…… http://www.milkinfirst.com/dictionary/profanisaur...
Who would hire Rollins? He did the same thing to Christy "Todd" Whitman.
I work on my core of conviction in Pilates. I call bullshit unless you can bounce a quarter on her ass.
Michele? Tits or GTFO
Think Rollins hit that?
I did notice bloody knuckles during his interview on Morning Joe….
Meh, I'll just wait for one of those conservative "think" tanks to buy up about 10,000 copies of the piece of shit to get her on the NYT best seller's list, then find one in a dumpster brand trash bin.
Some day…for research purposes, I'm going to scour the surplus bins of the nations bookstores (if there are any left by then), and gather up one copy each of all of these fuckwits books – Shelly, Snowbilly, Sperman, Newt (the list really does go on..), place them all in close proximity and see of I can achieve The Critical Mass of Stupid. Like some sort of Nukular 'Sploshun of Dumb.
"Dear Jism,
I have very exciting news to share…"
Methinks Marcus finally popped his cherry!
For $126–that's an extra dollar for you, MB–can I smack your book upside your big migraine hole face?
It's her hourly rate?
Youi know who else thought that all anyone wanted was their autograph?
I cannot view the tubez link from here, M_Joe. But how about Pamela Anderson?
John Hancock?
Throw in your panties, and it's a deal, Shelley!
I like how Ed Rollins acts like he was somehow completely unaware that this woman was clueless and insane.
For 200 dollars she'll use her own lizard tongue to make the autographs. It's a 1up compared to Santorum!
Much like Ann Coulter I would not fuck that with a Bastard Rasp!
Get a book with every donation. Those donations are used to buy more books. And so the cycle of life is complete.
She'd make more if she sold her dirty panties…
Does this mean Michele Bachmann would actually, personally write “Thank you, Jism! Love, Michele” in one of her vulgar vampire fiction books if we sent her $125?
That is something only the 1% need worry about.
Between the Wal*Mart Blue fleeces and her books, after her vanity campaign finally craters she's gonna have a warehouse full of crap.
Plus all the leftover stuff from her campaign.
I would have thought the proofreader would have caught the typo in the first word of the title.
"Accidental career in politics"? Last time I checked, you *do* need to sign a candidacy statement, which to me signals intention, not accident.
It would probably be worth $125 if I could get a personal autographs saying:
To Disgustedcitizen;
I hereby resign my position in the US House of Representatives and I promise I will fad into obscurity and never bother the people of the United States again.
Michelle Bachmann
Well there ya have. The ones who have the biggest hardon for God also have the greatest tin ear for the spiritual.
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