scooter armies unite

America’s Newest Mass Terrorist Threat: Crabby Seniors

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

I'm unna getchu soon as I figger out where mah teeth went.So what sorts of hobbies are America’s agitated olds taking up these days when they are not busy surfing the apocalypse survival kit and Bible sale ads on Newsmax? Plotting mass murder, it turns out. Yeesh. When did soothing naps go out of style? The FBI arrested four seniors in Georgia Tuesday for allegedly using their occasional Bridge meetings to concoct a large-scale bioterrorism attack (rounded out with some semi-automatic weapons) on U.S. citizens, corporations, the media and government officials, i.e. everybody. So what was it this time, did the Medicare co-pay for Hoverounds climb a few bucks?

Probably? Use your imagination. The FBI never includes those kinds of fun details in their dry terrorism reports unless its about Osama bin Laden’s fapping problems. A little fairness! All we get are the murderous paranoid rantings of cantankerous 73-year-old ring leader Frederick Thomas sounding off at one of their secret meetings.

From TPM:

Thomas allegedly said that there “is no way for us, as militiamen, to save this country, to save Georgia, without doing something that’s highly highly illegal. Murder. That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done,” Thomas allegedly said.

“When it comes time to saving the Constitution, that means some people gotta die,” Thomas allegedly said.

Ha ha, meanwhile Eric Cantor still thinks he’s supposed to be hiding from the peaceable protester mobs for fear they will petition him to death. [TPM]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • MrFizzy

    Is it possible to waterboard someone with Ensure?

    • DahBoner

      Metamucil produces better results!

    • CapnFatback

      Depends.

      • nounverb911

        Depends on what?

        • flamingpdog

          Depends on the conspirators. YEEWW!

      • MrFizzy

        that's funny

      • TitsOccupado

        Urine over your head!

    • RadioOcupados

      It's the Fondu of Youth!

  • chascates

    The 'Over-the-Hill' gang goes Wolverine!

    • bagofmice

      If there's one power I am certain that they lack, it's regeneration.

    • MikeInMichigan

      Automatic "Thumbs-up" for Red Dawn references.

    • SorosBot

      But Wolverine doesn't age because of his healing factor; he's over a hundred years old and will never be over-the-hill.

  • forgracie

    Quick, bring back Matlock!

    • DahBoner

      Wait!

      Where did he go????

      • chicken_thief

        Bathroom. Again….

    • Jerri

      This requires something much more coma-inducing. This sounds like a job for Quincy, ME.

  • Barb

    The GOP doesn't care that social security will only last until 2025. Why care? By then all the old people will be dead anyway.

    • nounverb911

      Wait! Won't the current crop of GOPers be old then? Who's going to buy them hoverrounds?

    • UnholyMoses

      And after 2025, it'll only pay out **gasp** 80% of benefits!

      To the Matlockcave! Just … ya know … don't throw out a hip.

  • SorosBot

    They wanted to make sure the government would keep its hands off of their Medicare and Social Security!

  • Omophagist

    Those death panels for the old people don't seem like such a bad idea any more, do they, Mrs. Palin?

    • GOPCrusher

      DON'T RETREAT. RELOAD!

  • nounverb911

    This makes a good case for raising the Medicare age to 90.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    "Murder. That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done,”

    Such language! My grandma would wash that young whippersnapper's mouth out with soap.

  • privatejoker77

    Should have had more shotguns.

  • nounverb911

    Hoverround libel!

  • orygoon

    I myself have contemplated going out with a bang and not a whimper, also. But then there is the bit about wanting to be remembered fondly, so choosing the right bang is important, crackers.

    • ThundercatHo

      I plan on running my fighter jet into the evil alien mothership or exploding the nuke on the asteroid that's headed for earth.

  • DahBoner

    "Murder. That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done"

    ""AND WE'S BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, SINCE JANUARY 20, 2009"

  • jus_wonderin

    Murder, he rote.

    • bagofmice

      Again?

  • freakishlywrong

    Those weren't onions they were tying to their belts..

    • DahBoner

      And they weren't on the ferry to Shelbyville….

      • Come here a minute

        Of course, back then the ferry only cost you two bees…

        • FNMA

          Give me five bees for a quarter.

          • Nothingisamiss

            That's what we'd say. Back then…

    • Callyson

      And they weren't dirty old men happy to see us…

    • TitsOccupado

      We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways!

    • Generation[redacted]

      When you're in the prison shower, hang on to your turnips.

  • finallyhappy

    The seniors I know(and I am one) are all volunteering, playing computer games or in a book club. Of course, we live in the liberal bastion of metro DC(except for Loudoun co.- screw them!)

    • spinozasgod

      My mom, who is 85, listens to Fox News all of the time. We were at a store where they were advertising something about Ramadan and she freaked out and tried to pull the sign of f of the wall while yelling about muslims trying to take over the country. That is where the olds get these ideas.

      • comrad_darkness

        Your mom and mine. It's like they have a batshit insane chip installed and it gets tripped by anything Other.

        Fox News, non-stop Rush and Liddy (who, like Robert Bork, and anyone else from that administration would be political pariahs if people had half an ounce of sense) on the radio, also, too. Really shows you what propaganda can do to program people to commit all kinds of idiotic acts, without rational thought.

        • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

          My mom is a liberal living in The Villages(!), in FL, but she naively thinks that the world is broken into two camps, reasonable Democrats and reasonable Republicans. Ha, ha!
          I've tried to tell her that some of these people are NOT nice, they are hateful bastards, but she thinks I'm just overreacting.
          (This from the lady that once got in hot water, on a military base, for telling a child in her 3rd grade class that Nixon resigned because he was a liar.)

      • Terry

        My folks are also 85, but both are fairly flaming liberals of the union hall variety. A year or so back, my father asked me if I knew what the term "tea bagging" meant. I took a deep breath and explained (learned it on Wonkette!). Since then he happily refuses to call the Tea Party folks anything but tea baggers.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Your father sounds like a fucking hoot!

      • TitsOccupado

        I thought I had a perfectly reasonable Republican grandmother. She was born in Canada City in 1900, moved to San Francisco in 1919, worked a lifetime in the hotel industry there, until a stroke at 64 forced her into retirement. She never exhibited a mean streak, other than overly strict parenting, and I never saw a racist bone in her body, either–until my cousin married a black man. To this day I don't know where her hatred came from, but I am rather thankful that she's no longer able to vote…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Oh geez how mortifying for you.

    • ThundercatHo

      My mom (age 83) and her husband of 3 months (age 73) spend all their time ballroom dancing and um, other stuff that my brain refuses to consider.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Oh, my. Go, Mom!

  • PuckStopsHere

    So, they each tied an onion to their belt, because that was the style of the time…

  • SorosBot

    And now, here's a surprise; the racist geriatrics were inspired by a book "written by Mike Vanderboegh, a right-wing blogger and former militia man who lives on government disability checks, has been featured on Fox News in relation to the Fast and Furious scandal, is on Rep. Darrell Issa’s press release distribution list and previously advocated on his blog “Sipsey Street Irregulars” for opponents of the health care law to throw bricks through the windows of Democratic members of Congress." Think he, or anyone else on Fox, will show any bit of remorse for advocating terrorism? Probably about as much as Pam Gellar did when it turned out she directly inspired Anders Breivik to massacre 80 people, none at all.

    • UnholyMoses

      You apparently didn't get the memo: It's not terrorism when white folks do it. Only when brown folks with hard-to-pronounce names do it.

      Thus, McVeigh, the guy who shot up the Unitarian church, the dude who flew a plane into an IRS building, the guy who got in a shoot out while on the way to the Tides Foundation, the old dude who shot a guard at the KC Fed Reserve, the guy in Pittsburgh who shot cops, Breivik, and all of those who have shot abortion doctors or bombed clinics = LONE WACKOS!

      No possible connection between any of them. Nope. None at all. Nothing to see here. Move along …

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Did you forget the guy who shot up the Holocaust Museum? All isolated incidents.

        • UnholyMoses

          Well, there are an awful lot of these isolated incidents and it's hard to keep track of them all.

          Maybe if our country had some sort of agency specially created to handle this kind of stuff. Maybe even see if there any possible connections.

          That sure would be nice, wouldn't it?

          • yrbmegr

            And the wacko that shot Rep. Giffords was a lone white wacko too. He even mugs crazy for the cameras to sell the notion.

          • Crank_Tango

            yeah it's hard to keep track because they are so isolated, and numerous.

          • SorosBot

            Just as long as we don't blood libel the various right-wing radio hosts, bloggers and writers who encourage violence among their fans.

          • Nothingisamiss

            You're talkin' crazy.

    • pdiddycornchips

      They named their alleged plot Operation Booming Onion.

    • James Michael Curley

      Saw three reports about this in the morning, the last on 'Fox and Fiends' on the screen in Starbucks (ain't going in there no more). Not one of several alleged journalist called the old white guys terrorists.

    • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

      Vanderboegh is an utter piece of shit. Bonus points: the guy who complains about the gubmit butting into our lives makes his living with gubmit disability payments.

  • freakishlywrong

    “When it comes time to saving the Constitution, that means some people gotta die,”
    Because he's not brown, he's a true patriot.

  • samsuncle

    When you are 73 years old and have to pee every 30 minutes you just naturally get cantankerous.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Geez, Oldz, that's why we have Depends(r)(tm).

  • CapnFatback

    Once again, Bob and David were right!

  • BornInATrailer

    Lemon Tea Party?

    • bagofmice

      The movement is blowing up. And down.

    • bikerlaureate

      Very pretty – and the lemon flower, so sweet.

    • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

      You win. I can't stop laughing.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “When it comes time to saving the Constitution, that means some people gotta die,”

    Hey old dude, you would keep your cholesterol down, and you wouldn't have to break any eggs to make the omelet, if you just used Egg Beaters.

    • bikerlaureate

      Dangit, here I was scrolling through the comments with the hope that no one did the Egg Beaters joke yet.

      Ummm… "Gentlemen! No fighting in the Day Room!"

      Nope. Er… "Sometimes the bitter ends justify the meanies." ??

  • littlebigdaddy

    Bioterror…yeah old guy farts smell terrible!

  • http://www.fightbacknews.org/ 4TheTurnstiles

    "Some people should die. That's just unconscious knowledge."

    –some geezer

    • UnholyMoses

      +1 for the Jane's Addiction reference.

      **polite clap**

  • mereoblivion

    They want to make fucking illegal? Don't sound like any of my old friends.

    • DahBoner

      It is.

      Before noon on Sunday, usually….

  • MildMidwesterner

    They'll be using the "I'm an old man…. I'm confused" defense, no doubt.

    • SorosBot

      AKA the Reagan defense.

    • pdiddycornchips

      The Uncle Leo defense! Could work for them. 'Specially in Georgia.

  • MissNancyPriss

    Do. Not. Mess. With. Old Coots.

    • James Michael Curley

      Or the mess in Old Cooters.

  • DaSandman

    Whew, thank Christ this was just another ISOLATED INCIDENT of right wing terrorism

  • Crank_Tango

    Tick tock you old worthless crackers, tick fucking tock.

    • MrFizzy

      trouble is most of them probably have three hundred grandchildren, all in trailers and all with guns.

  • CapnFatback

    Can scoot-by shootings be far behind?

    • bagofmice
      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Haz he got a small black hole in his scooter to shoot the dreaded Hawking radiation?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Oh, is that what we're calling them these days? Scooters, huh.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Why, growing old is something to look forward to, now! Along with the quilting bees and the bingo games, I can do drive-bys and overthrow the government!

  • LouBristol

    So! how many Koch-funded astroturf groups do these guys like on facebook? Bonus: Sarah Palin!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Bo's Kountry Klub ?????

      in SC.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I thought that was Karl's Kountry Klub.

    • TheMightyHaltor

      All of them, Katie.

    • TitsOccupado

      Didn't see $arah among his friends, but I did see someone who caught my eye. Very dark complected, warranted a look. Among her interests is tanning. Says she is not into books. In exactly so many words.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Nice undercover work, ttommyyunger!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dang Chet, I thought I scanned the posts adequately before making my own ttommy post. *feels all stupid and plagiaristic*

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Just confirms our mutual admiration society!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "Great minds", and all that…

          • ttommyunger

            Fuck you both very much.

    • http://Wonkette.com ProudLibunatic

      ttommey!
      Wonkette's very own bad-ass!

      • ttommyunger

        Bad breath; maybe, bad ass-notsomuchanymore.

  • hagajim

    The revolution, brought to you by Depends and Geritol.

    • freakishlywrong

      The Revolution will be dial-up.

  • flamingpdog

    "to save Georgia"

    WHY??!1?

    • DahBoner

      Too many…uh, Georgians?

    • Guppy

      Sherman's blight renewal project didn't stick.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Today we are all Georgians.

      On second thought, fuck that.

    • crybabyboehner

      they make a fine boiled peanut

  • MissNancyPriss

    Let it serve as a warning to everyone on this forum! It's a short slip from outraged young man, to annoying middle aged crank, with murderous old coot calling for war via large-scale bioterrorism attack just around the corner.

    • chicken_thief

      And recreational pot leads to hard core heroin addiction. I saw it in a movie during Freshman health class in 1968.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        They're probably still showing that same film

      • GOPCrusher

        And rampant chromosome damage. Which explains all the three-eyed children running around.

  • CapnFatback

    Because the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the iron-poor blood of patriots and tyrants.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Send a large-print copy of Soldier of Fortune magazine to the man!

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Short of these talibangenlists actually committing murder we can still call libtards the violents ones, right? I mean, heh heh, why else would there be so many clashes between Occupy protesters and police?

    That's what the nice man who certifies concealed weapons dun tol' me.

    • SorosBot

      Here's an actual comment to the original article:

      "Haha wow, it's funny that the strongest citing on this article is that a guy wrote a book and was on fox news. Where is your report on all the communists plotting to take over the nation through violent occupy wallstreet movements? Oh wait, they are LEFT wing, so you don't care about that. In fact you want it. Couldn't be any more obvious."

      Words fail me.

      • Chichikovovich

        No snark. That is very unsettling, since I'm sure that it is just the tip of an iceberg. Can you imagine the level of rhetoric if one or two of the occupy protests actually had featured violence initiated by the protesters?

        • comrad_darkness

          That's totally different. Because it just is.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          There would be drones dropping napalm on the protests.

      • GOPCrusher

        Reality fails them.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        They don't fail *me,* but I'm loath to swear a blue streak before such fine upstanding folk as teh Wonketrz.

    • comrad_darkness

      >talibangenlists actually committing murder

      There are some mass murdered unitarians who'd like a word with you…

  • El Pinche

    My senior dad commits bioterror in my bathroom every Sunday after his armada of breakfast tacos. The immediate vicinity is off limits for at least 45 minutes.

    • MikeInMichigan

      Oh, man. You mean the kind where you can actually see the cloud deck?

      • El Pinche

        Yes, my wingtard dad is straight loaf pinching Osama bin laden.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Poop jokes return to Wonkette! HUZZAH!

  • ttommyunger

    Waffle Houses are not exactly a soft target. I live in Georgia and happen to know they check for guns and knives at the door. If you don't have any, they issue you some.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Didn't Kid Rock get into a Waffle House fight? Well, at least his "body guards" did…

      • ttommyunger

        Yup, if you call screaming and slapping a fight.

    • bikerlaureate

      Hold up. I'm still trying to parse the verb "live" in the same sentence as Georgia…

      • ttommyunger

        Usually precedes the noun “Bait”.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Surely you're not suggesting they shut down the Waffle Houses? Denny's can't make grits for shit.

      • ttommyunger

        “Shutting down the Waffle Houses?”. (Clutches pearls and swoons on fainting couch)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      THERE you are, being your usual bad-ass self! Do you realize you've had TWO imitation-is-the-sincerest-form-of-flattery comments already?

      • ttommyunger

        Does not compute.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Chet: Nice undercover work, ttommyyunger!

          Baldar said something similar. Looks like you're getting kudos for rousing teh KrayZ Oldz out by your neck of the woods.

          • ttommyunger

            If you lived her you'd haz teh krazy yourself.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "From June through November 2011, Thomas and Roberts met with the undercover agent and negotiated the purchase of a silencer for a rifle and conversion parts to make a fully automatic rifle, as well as explosives."

    Anyone else notice that our resident Georgia senior Ttommyunger hasn't been posting much lately?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      If he told us, he'd have to kill us.

    • Chichikovovich

      And, like clockwork, he gets in a post just above yours. Pretty suspicious timing, if you ask me.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        I was just thinking the same thing.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      [Shhh, he's right behind you.]

      • BarryOPotter

        Has anyone seen Chet lately?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          There was that one ominous last post, in this thread …

    • PubOption

      Where have I seen the names Thomas and Roberts before? Members of some other right-leaning organization, no doubt.

    • ttommyunger

      Hard. to. tap out comment. in. hand.cuffs…

  • widestanceshakedown

    Ya'll won't think this is so damn funny when they start occupying Country Buffet with a wagon-style barricade of Rascals.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Heaven forfend! I might have to spike my wheelchair wheels!

  • proudgrampa

    This poor bastard obviously has no grandchildren.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, if they were busy showing us pictures of their grandkids they'd be too busy to foment revolution.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Or showing the grandkids how to hide Glocks in their Huggies™ and a spare clip in their Crocs™.

  • bureaucrap

    Still trying to figure out their logic — "If we kill a bunch of liberals, DoJ lawyers, Democratic politicians, then the Constitution will be SAVED!!!!" — how, exactly?

    • Pragmatist2

      That's proprietary information.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Because Democracy is based on a set of principles that guide it. We have to kill those who don't think exactly like we do. Freedom too, also.

    • BarryOPotter

      then the Constitution will be SAVED!!!!" — how, exactly?

      Details, man. Details…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Uh … we had to destroy the village to save it?

  • BornInATrailer

    The worst thing about fighting terrorist olds is having to get up sooo fucking early. But at least you get your evenings.

  • MiniMencken

    Viagra and castor beans. It's a deadly combination.

    • PartyMarty

      Walter White?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I really like how they all worked directly or indirectly for the government.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done,” Thomas allegedly said. “When it comes time to saving the Constitution…"

    In other words, we had to burn the village in order to save it. This guy is about the right age to have held the Zippo.

  • edgydrifter

    To save X they must destroy X.
    Even though it's never worked, ever, reactionaries aren't ready to give up on the strategy juuuust yet.

  • chascates

    During an April meeting at his home, Thomas allegedly told participants he had a "bucket list" of politicians, government officials, corporate leaders and media figures he said should be targeted to "make the country right again."

    "I could shoot ATF and IRS all day long. All the judges and the DOJ and the attorneys and prosecutors," the affidavit quotes Thomas as saying.

    • chicken_thief

      What?!!!! No ACLU? No ACORN operatives?! No NAACP?!! This guy is a fucking rookie who deserves all the ass pounding he can live through in C Block.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Oh honey Bubba just has to look at his wrinkly saggy ass wrong for it to fall apart.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Make the country right again". Where have I heard that phrase before?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    "Bridge" is not a real game, it is a made up thing that grown-ups use as a code word for getting together to do massive amounts of drugs and have orgies. At least this is what my older brother used to tell me when my parents made him stay home and babysit. And I believe everything my older brother ever said.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Don't know your brother but if you were a child in the '70's he's probably right

      • BigDumbRedDog

        Oh, I know he's right. Once when I was little I asked my grandma to teach me how to play bridge and that shit made no sense. I swear she got out a deck of cards and just started making stuff up off the top of her head. Also, they always played with another couple? Hmmmm? Now my parents play bridge almost every week. Perverts!

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Ha ha ha– "The Covert Group". Wonder if they called their meeting "The Clandestine Meeting".

    • Geminisunmars

      They are part of "The Secret Society" following their "Hidden Agenda".

    • BarryOPotter

      Meeting in "The Out of the Way Place" at "The Usual Time" on "A Certain Day of the Week"

  • RadioOcupados

    Occupy Leisure World.

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

      Occupy Luby's!

      • DahBoner

        Occupy Leisure Suits!

        • Generation[redacted]

          Larry, is that you?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "I'll take 'Irrelevant Old Wingnuts' for $500, Alex"

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Keep Yoar Gubbermint Pedobear Paws Outta Our Depends!
    ~

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    I believe, children are the future. Teach them well, let them hunt the olds.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Why the Cantor hate? Petitions can give you papercuts, and they hurt! Why, just the other day, I was going over to my friend Joe's house, and he has a green house that's about a mile from the county line, if you go out Highway 70, where the Roy Rogers used to be, which was always my favorite, with the fixin's bar, and the TriggerBurger jokes that were funny because they were about Cowboys and Indians, and Indians were the enemy because they wre so ornery, and they didn't wear white hats, which made it so you could tell who the bad guys were, and they had tommyhawks and guns that they stole from Abe Vigoda, whose name reminds me of the pagoda in Japan zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • BaldarTFlagass

      If it weren't for the fact that he's 95, knows nothing about computers, and just got put in the home last month, I'd be saying "Granpa Pete, is that you?"

  • BarackMyWorld

    Viva la death panels.

  • PhilippePetain

    There's gotta be something in the Constitutions bout them fucking kids stayin' off mah gotdamn LAWN!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    All these old militia fucks get their marching orders out of novels – "The Turner Diaries", in this case "Absolved" – maybe Tom Clancy is secretly working with FBI/ATF/DEA/Homeland/FEMA/DOJ to flush 'em out!

    • pdiddycornchips

      We need a General Sherman for the 21st century.

    • ttommyunger

      But who the fuck is reading this shit to them?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Are there no grandkids, ttommy? No orphanages full of well-meaning and literate children?

        • ttommyunger

          You obviously are unfamiliar with America's finest trailer parks.

  • McRibzgood

    Fucking OLDZ!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Hey, watch who you're trashing there, you tasty little morsel.

      In an aside and apropos of absolutely nothing in particular, I'm about to make a beef stew, into which I plan to dice a humongous quantity of pancetta. Mmm-mmm, bacon'z good, no matter what y'all call it.

  • Indiepalin

    I'll say it again: Deport all elderly muslim marxists immediately.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      You say that like they're easy to find. Mohammad Ali Jinnah might well have been the sole pretender to that title.

  • MikeInMichigan

    Maybe Franken had it right on how to raise an effective fighting force: Cut off seniors' Social Security checks and issue draft notices the same day.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Oh, that'll get them in the streets, all right. Remember the last time the Republicans tried to shut down government, what was that, six months ago, and President Hopey O'Barry said social security checks might be delayed? You *never* saw any buncha motherfuckers backpedal so fast.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I have long advocated replacing our youthful military with retirees. Retirees always say they want to travel or go on cruises, so there's a natural fit with deployments. They like to eat in restaurants, which is just another way of saying "mess hall". Not to be too blunt, but when it's time to charge over the hill into certain death, seniors are totally ready (except for the charging part).

    And the geezers of the Georgia militia would be able to defend the Constitution the old fashioned way. It's less dramatic than doing something "highly highly illegal", but there's a nobility in patrolling an Afghan street at dusk, checking windows, knowing your buddy is watching for trip wires. In your Rascals.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Well, gramps, since you moved in, it's bad enough that you get up at 430 every morning for no reason and bang around in the kitchen, bookmark all them rightwing websites on the computer, kick the cat all the time, and piss all over the bathroom floor. But this overthrowing the government shit, that's the last straw. It's off to the home for you, I'm afraid."

  • mavenmaven

    Needs a Justin Bieber blingee, especially now: http://www.nma.tv/justin-bieber-baby-rumors-fathe

    • GOPCrusher

      And all this time, I thought you had to have male genitalia to make a baby.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Um … the ladies do fine making them with ladyparts, dood. You just need BOTH sets to make a baby, preferably on two different people, but hey. You go to make babies with the spare parts you have, not the sp … you get my drift.

        You *do* know that "Bieber" is German for "beaver," right? Right?

    • TitsOccupado

      Wait–Biebs is pregnant?

  • prommie

    I see in the news today that the new craze here in amurrica is the "one-pot meth lab," a meth production method that takes place entirely within a 2 liter coke bottle. Just call me Walter White Jr.

    • DahBoner

      I'm waiting for a crock-pot meth lab, don't have time to sit around and watch it cook all day, y'know….

      • prommie

        I'd settle for a Sensemilla-Chia Pet.

    • proudgrampa

      I hope Walt and Jesse put some money away for their retirement.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      No spoilers, but what an awesome season that was!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Alt alt-text: "Fill your pants, you sonsabitches!"

  • Redhead

    So THAT'S why they got so fat! All they have to do is sit on all the elitist libtards who actually eat vegetables (the nerve!) and they'll be no more libtards left! See, they INTENTIONALLY got so far they couldn't walk and had to ride around on an overpriced scooter. It's all part of the terrorism plan.

    • prommie

      Google Massive Mocha.

  • SorosBot
    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Jeezus. Of course he does.

  • prommie

    I bet there hasn't been either a terror plot, or a pedo sex assignation plot, in the last 10 years in this country, which was not initiated and facilitated and encouraged by undercover law enforcement. I'm willing to bet that in most cases, the undercover officers were the majority of the conspirators.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Of course you need to keep a "threat" alive, otherwise somebody could decide your agency is no longer needed and there goes that nice pension. Remember when the FBI files on the US Communist Party were opened? About 15% of the members were informants, probably the ones paying the dues(from taxpayers' money) that kept the thing going.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Overruled. They should keep flushing these assholes out as long as is needed.

  • x111e7thst

    Sounds like someone needs a hug and some metamucil.

    • chicken_thief

      But not too tight of a hug after the metamucil…

  • Chichikovovich

    "The FBI never includes those kinds of fun details in their dry terrorism reports"

    Terrorism? Who said anything about terrorism? Was one of those old guys Muslim or something?

    • neiltheblaze

      Hell, they weren't even Mexican.

  • fuflans

    i hope i die before i get old.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      It is "Their Generation" that is responsible for all this right wing bullshit, giving the lie to the Media Myth of the Monolithic Baby Boom Generation. (As a tail-ender born in '60, I've never felt like one of 'em.)

      • jqheywood

        Same here. My older brother and sisters are boomers, but I never felt a part of that generation.

      • TitsOccupado

        Born in '52, my older siblings were all from the 40's, we never really connected. My younger sister, born in '57, seemed to be from another different generation. I guess she was, Generation Jones, but I think what I'm getting at is it was maybe me that was out of step, probably?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Too late (for me).

  • GhostBuggy

    The President is a Demmycrat!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, now here's an interesting little tidbit from the article:

    Frederick Thomas, according to a Red State profile which matches his profile, is a Vietnam vet who worked as an aerospace communications systems Engineer and held “top secret security clearance for nearly 50 years.” Roberts sued a number of local officials and a newspaper in federal court in relation to a 2004 “Southern Heritage” event he organized at a middle school that featured the Confederate flag. According to the lawsuit, he “co-sponsored and assisted in flag rallies organized by the Southern Rights Association [hereafter SRA]. He is widely known in the area as a flag supporter.”

    So I'm pretty sure that none of his seditious actions were proximately caused by the fact that there's a black dude occupying the White House, amirite?

    • prommie

      Well, clearly, the Confederates were the patriots during that war of Northern Aggression, fighting to uphold the Constitution. Its just all these years of liberal lies and revisionist history has made them out to be the treasonous secessionists.

    • Zombie_Reagan

      What the hell is a "flag supporter"? Is Mr. Thomas a anthropomorphic flagpole?

      • neiltheblaze

        In a manner of speaking.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        It's like a "flag thong", but for guys.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

          Oh, the little knitted weenie-warmers with strings that tie behind? Your grandma makes those too, huh?

    • aklibtard

      How fucking awkward would that be for you if you were a 12 year old black kid and some old ass spook came lurking into your school with a confederate flag and got pissed when he was told to get the fuck out.

    • bikerlaureate

      Of course not, because Herman Cain, that's why.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Bragging about your security clearance is a good reason for you not to have one. Just sayin'

    • Generation[redacted]

      Red State profile? That proves he has real conservative credentials. They kick you off that site for even suggesting tax cuts don't lead to increased revenue.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no … yes.

  • johnnymeatworth

    At which point Angela Lansbury returns to CBS in a gritty reboot "'Murder. That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done,' She Wrote"

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I would DVR this show.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Oh, and kudos to TPM for using the phrase "Thomas allegedly said" three times in two paragraphs. From the "Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight" school of grammar.

  • chicken_thief

    Their only regret is that Niggerhead was too far away to hold their bi-weekly meetings.

  • Guppy

    "Osama bin Laden’s fapping problems."

    The only problem he had was that Condi porn had been cornered by someone else.

  • comrad_darkness

    Thanks, Fox News. A peacable society is so fucking boring.

  • Terry

    In all honesty, I think the homegrown crazies are a much likelier danger to us now than are the overseas ones.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      This is why I frequently carry. I'm not worried about Abdul whipping out an AK at the Trader Joe's… It's the unstable crackers that scare the shit out of me. And here in AZ, EVERYONE is fucking armed.

      • Terry

        Everyone is f'ing armed in AZ, but when Giffords was shot the armed people in the area were so shocked by what was happening that they didn't live up to their fantasies of how they'd behave in such a situation. Cops act at such times because they are trained to do so. The average person is not. We can put a gun in holster or a purse and imagine that if a bad guy appears that we'll pull the gun and do what has to be done, but in reality, we are pretty much stunned by the events and usually freeze or get down.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Oh, I know the realities of these scenarios… I can't say that I'll get to live out the “hero” scenario if something does go down (FSM forbid), but I guarantee that I'm a better shot, as well as better trained, than the average LEO. Other than the SWAT guys, most badge-holders fire their sidearms maybe twice a year. I have little faith in the average cop.

          • Terry

            I've got a fairly realistic view of police officers and know that they range greatly in skills and dedication (as do most any other group of people). I'm actually happy that most of them don't have much cause to fire their weapons.

            I worked for a while as a cashier in a liquor store in a dodgey part of town. During busy times, an off duty police man would be there pretending to be my bagger. He wore a bullet proof vest under a baggy t-shirt and kept a big ass handgun under the counter by where the pint and quart bags were held. He told me one day not to worry, that in the event something happened that he'd knock me to the floor and handle things. I told him that he should concentrate on handling things and count on me fallling to the floor all on my own. Good looking man, looked like Billy Dee Williams back in the day.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Sounds like the beginnings of a Tarantino script…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Now, BillyDee Williams, that was one FINE-looking man. Mmm. Fine.

        • Generation[redacted]

          I'm going with the stunned, freeze, and get down approach. If the situation becomes especially dire I may take extreme action and piss myself.

          • Terry

            I like to throw in a bit of screeching, too, just for atmosphere.

          • Generation[redacted]

            We don't always go by the book, but we make a great crime-fighting team.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

            Truly. One of you screams, the other pisses themselves … the bad guys will be incapacitated from laughing their asses off, at least till the cops get the cuffs on them.

            Me, I'd prefer a graceful, quiet swoon onto the cold hard floor. Preferably, a few miles from all the action.

  • UnholyMoses

    If only there was some report detailing the dangers of rightwing extremism. Perhaps one initiated by a rightwing president that could be rationally viewed by the rightwing itself, leading to some soul searching and a reduction in the number of whackjobs in their midst …

    How cool would that be right about now, eh?

  • Pragmatist2

    Those are some wrinkled-up Tea Bags, to draw a disgusting image.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Thomas went on to say: "I must have told them a hundred times. Stay Off My Damn Lawn"……

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Two questions. When did Ben Affleck get old and move to Georgia, and 2. Who's going to drive?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Well, as you get older ya gotta keep busy. Wish my Mom was this animated.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      You know they make YOU pay your Mom's bail when she gets arrested for running over a cop in her hoveround, right?

  • Eve8Apples

    If convicted and sentenced to jail terms, we should cut off their socialist Kenyan communist government benefits like meals, medical care, heat, electricity, clothing, etc. because no real patriotic inmate would expect those benefits from the government.

  • metamarcisf

    I call double-standard! If these elderly redneck mongoloids were muslim, Wonkette wouldn't touch this story if I was a ten-foot Pole. You can't both it have ways! What's goose for the sauce is greece for the grinder!

  • aklibtard

    "First they came for my Tranny Porn, then they came for my remote controlled pink dildo…" Why can't you commies see that the Georgia militia is just keeping us all safe?

  • http://crasstalk.com/ grandinquisitor

    Good lord, Georgia really needs to get those Death Panels up and running.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I'm gonna use this to pitch a hilarious caper vehicle for Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Hank Williams Jr. and Jon Voight. Any title ideas?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Spaced Plowboys"

    • metamarcisf

      "The Undefeated"?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "The Depend-ables"

    • ShaveTheWhales

      No, but if you can get Helen Mirren in it (again) I'll buy a ticket.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

        Translation: If I can get IN Helen Mirren, I will pay mucho Ameros.

        I feel the same way myself. She's a gorgeous bit o'fluff.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      The Day The Hoverrounds Died.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      The Metamucil Mob?

  • mavenmaven

    I like this headline: GA Terrorism Suspects Allegedly Wanted To Make Fox Expert's Blood-Soaked Novel A Reality http://mediamatters.org/blog/201111020002?frontpa

  • crybabyboehner

    Co-pay for a Hoveround? What's next, no more free Grabber?

    This country is going to hell.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    I like the term "fringe militia group". Like, outside of the National Guard, what other kind IS there??

    • comrad_darkness

      They can't risk pissing off the members of those that consider themselves "mainstream militia groups," now can they? The paper's offices would be bombed and shot up. Gotta prevaricate for survival. Funny enough, it's the same risk as publishing cartoons of a certain middle eastern religion.

  • comrad_darkness

    These southern boy wackadoodles really demonstrate the personal destructiveness of a victim mentality.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Freepers weigh in:

    I trust nothing the federal govt says or does. They have done too much anti citizen mischief in the past, much of it recent. I suspect that as we get closer to the election the feds will be arresting more white citizens on charges of this sort.

    And similar. For the most part, they're certain that the evidence is all faked, or that it's simply an overreaction to good ol' boys saying they hate the gummint.

  • Troglodeity

    So these patriots were going to manufacture ricin powder and then drive around strewing it into the air from their car windows. For Freedom.

    Let me take a wild guess as to the ethnic makeup of the neighborhoods they were planning on visiting.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Herring_Burnit

      You playin' that RACE CARD again, Trog? That's mighty RACIST of ya, ain't it, accusing them good ol' boys of hate, when we all know it's you libtards that are always screeching for the blood of the innocents?

  • owhatever

    Damned Yankees whipped us agin! Cain't plot a righteous revolution if the federals keep interrupting all the time.

  • usernameguy

    This is my favorite alt-text ever.

  • Negropolis

    Thomas allegedly said that there “is no way for us, as militiamen, to save this country, to save Georgia, without doing something that’s highly highly illegal. Murder. That’s fucking illegal, but it’s gotta be done,” Thomas allegedly said.

    They've got to be making this stuff up. This sounds like a very badly written moview script. You know, the movie where the evildoer plainly announces his plans down to the very degree in some very poorly acted soliloquy.

  • ndisang67

    This is exactly why medicare and SS were terrible ideas in the first place…won't these geriatrics be dead by now.?..in a GOP world?….we libs bring these problems upon ourselves…by caring for people too much…

  • ttommyunger

    For the record: ah resents the allegations-and the alligators.

  • SilverTsunami

    Frederick Thomas got the idea from a fictional novel! Those are different from all those factual novels I read in school, like Moby dick and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

  • gsosbee

    This is a fraudulent 'set up' of innocent men by the assassins of the fbi (for public show).

    I urge my fellow citizens to stop listening to the fbi every time they call a press conference.

    Meanwhile, college campuses across the nation are in fascist/police lockdown under the influence of fbi assassins, as evidenced by gross violations of human, civil, and constitutional rights of our citizens.See my documentations:

    The fbi, military intelligence at UC (James Wolf), police, UT chancellor, UT legal counsel all team up to create a fraudulent police report with patently false contents in order to find a way to illegally arrest this fbi whistleblower. See this and related links:
    http://www.sosbeevfbi.com/part19a-updatefo.html

    http://sosbeevfbi.ning.com/forum/topics/americans
    http://www.sosbeevfbi.com/oliverwendallhol.html

  • ThundercatHo

    I absolutely refused to watch and told everyone who'd listen what a travesty it was to remake a great classic.