Nein Nein NeinWhen you’re a multimillionaire executive with important responsibilities like serving up dangerously unhealthy anusburger pizza pie to obese chain-smoking Americans, there’s always some tramp yelling about how you hurt her feelings or sexually harassed her or whatever, because the little people are always nipping at the heels of the Important People. This is Herman Cain’s latest version of why he has to constantly pay off the ladies because he keeps trying to make sexytime on them, which they should just shut up and accept, because he is an Important Executive. God, women are such complainers.

Herman Cain is a shit-food merchant who is best known for shutting down half of the Godfather’s Pizza chain restaurants and putting all those employees out of work, and ruining lives, etc. This is how you become a “Job Creator” in America, by laying off as many people as possible so your major stockholders can “trickle down” a little of the dividend or whatever, maybe to buy a new sex slave from the Philippines. But in the course of Job Creation, sometimes an Important Executive comes across a nobody lady employee who might be attractive. In this case, it is both acceptable and admirable for the Job Creation Executive to sexually harass the lady. And if the lady sues because she doesn’t know to respect her betters, then paying off the tramp is just the “cost of doing business.” This is how CNN explains the complex issue to Dumb Americans who don’t understand the importance of Wall Street Executives.

When it comes to the bottom line, there are a few reasons that an employer might pay to sweep sexual harassment allegations under the rug instead of fighting them in the courtroom or the court of public opinion. Legal costs and damage control top the list, employment attorneys and workplace policy experts say. Even if the allegations seem baseless, it’s the cost of doing business, a quick fix to shield an employer from further allegations, boycotts or worse. But, on the flipside, settlements come with the risk of enabling someone to reoffend.

GOP presidential contender Herman Cain finds himself addressing allegations of inappropriate behavior, made by two former female employees of the National Restaurant Association when he led the organization in the 1990s. Cain said he was falsely accused and that a thorough investigation found the claims had no basis. He acknowledged Monday night that there was a settlement, contradicting a statement earlier in the day in which he said he had no knowledge of a settlement.

So, the pretend story today is that Herman Cain — who was never going to get the GOP nomination, ever — keeps changing his story about the ladies and the inappropriate behavior and the lawsuits and the secret settlements. But the real story is that the 99% just doesn’t understand the important and complicated lives of the Rich and Powerful. Come on, Americans! Let’s come together and start worshiping job-killing sociopaths in the executive suites again! The 1980s are Back to the Future! [CNN/CBS]

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  • Barb

    I'm still creeped out by his "one nation under GOD" sexual harassment. This man thinks he's God and I don't want to be under him.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    …he said, after he justified it all in his mind three days later.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This happened while he was head of the National Restaurant Association, right?

    It should be again noted, the association isn't an actual restaurant company that owns and operates restaurants, but a lobbying group for the restaurant industry. Their only "business" is to help the restaurant owners.

    And apparently also to cover up its executives' mistakes.

    Just sayin'.

    • MOG2410

      Yup, just like the one I work at covered up a similiar complaint the year before I came on board. Just the cost of doing business. Except in this case, they use the dues paid by their member to hush up the story. Somewhat different, yet more of the same.

      • BarackMyWorld

        In addition to his history as a lobbyist, I'm still waiting for some pundit or reporter to mention he was also a rightwing Atlanta radio talkshow host for years, or the time he spent working for Americans for Prosperity. Those jobs shouldn't be considered too embarrassing… right?

        • mayor_quimby

          He was not only a rightwing ATL host, but a host who had a show on about 8 pm on weeknights. Basically dead air time. Any asshole with vocal chords can get a show in that timeslot.
          Also, he speaks in what may be the worst 'black' accent since Amos n Andy.
          And he still has the taste of Neal Boortz's sac on his palate.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Herm missed the boat here. He should have been a lobbyist for the porn film industry. You'd probably have try pretty hard to get a complaint lodge against you in that group.

      • There's that, but there's a good chance an adverse response to unwanted sexual advances in that industry would involve a razor blade.

    • Not_So_Much

      Woulda been a more interesting story if the NRA in question were the National Rifle Association and the settlement was for his repeated attempts to take a turn at LaPierre's sweet, affordably priced ass…

    • Nesnora

      Yikes, the cafeteria in my building (NYC) is run by the "National Restaurant Association"… same people? Their little signs are everywhere.

      Their wraps and broccoli are horrible. :/

      • TitsAkimbo

        I think that means your cafeteria is a member of the Association, and their dues went to covering up Herb Cain's improprieties.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Other than the obvious problem with Mr. Cain's various explanations of these events, I don't understand why he didn't fight back.

    To say it's cost effective is a cop-out (although, to be fair, the decision to settle isn't always up to the person in the middle of the event).

    What is money for if not to defend one's reputation?

    • SorosBot

      The decision to settle or not isn't always up to the person accused, but when it's the CEO himself I think he'll have some control over the decision.

      • Occupy V572

        Unless the lawyer is whispering in his year, "$30,000 makes this all go away…" and Herman doesn't listen long enough to hear "…for a while."

        • Crank_Tango

          well to be fair to him at the time, who'da thought that he would be in the race for the GOP PRESIDENTIAL FUCKING NOMINATION now, or ever?

      • fletc3her

        It's hush money. The accuser can't legally come forward so everyone is happy. Unless it becomes a big political story or something.

      • Tundra Grifter

        SorosBot: You are, of course, correct. I had in mind doctors with malpractice insurance. A physician might want the insurance company to spend its last dollar defending her (or, him) – and the carrier settles to save money.

        Basically, on my part it was a faux attempt to appear fair and balanced. And it was as transaparent to you as a gin and tonic.

    • SayItWithWookies

      This is where Rick Perry has the advantage — he just executes his mistakes and then fires anyone who investigates afterward.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Doctors bury their mistakes.

        Attorneys visit their mistakes in prison.

        Mortgage brokers stroll by their mistakes, living under a bridge like a troll.

  • McRibzgood

    "employment attorneys and workplace policy experts"? Yeah a franchise or the NRA would NEVER have those on retainer. NEVER!!!

    P.S. I'm a part of the NRA and try to attend their show in Chicago every few years. It's a freakin' BLAST!!!!!!!!! (No pun intended. I meant the National Restaurant Association NRA and not the Sweaty Teddy NRA.)

  • OneDollarJuana

    Just what is he wiping off his face?

    • Callyson

      A frothy mix.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Of pizza grease AND . . . ?

        • Gleem_McShineys

          Sausage leavins.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Herm changes his story more often than a nine month old's diaper gets changed. And they are both about as poopy.

  • PuckStopsHere

    The cost of doing monkey business is more like it.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Hey, who you callin' a monkey? </conservative faux racial indignation>

    • TheMightyHaltor


  • GuanoFaucet

    That picture of Cain is visual harassment.

  • Eve8Apples

    All the pizza bitches were just beggin' to get their hands on Herman's sausage.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Does Herman need to smack a bitch?

    • MOG2410

      Uh, no. Assault is harder to "settle out of court". heh.

      • RavenRant

        Tell it to Meg Whitman.

        • MOG2410

          I would, but I need my front teeth.

    • Generation[redacted]

      That's just the cost of doing business, youknowhatimsayin?

  • forgracie

    And when you say "comes across a nobody lady employee" you're literal huh Ken?

    • Veritas78

      Hey, what happens at Wonkette stays at Wonkette!

      Besides, the statute ran out on Jim and we haven't got long to wait on Riley and the stocking-stueffer.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Unwanted sexytime with our betters is the bible.

    • MOG2410

      First Leviathan 8:6-1105, under the "thou shalts".

    • Rotundo_

      Verily I say unto thee, If thou desirest gainful employment with me, come unto me, and let me come upon you. For blessed are those that doth not merely suck up to the boss, but suck the boss as well, they shall inherit a token of appreciation for their meek silence regarding such matters and forfeit-ith it if they speaketh of it before the public.

      • Negropolis

        "Verily I say unto thee, If thou desirest gainful employment with me, come cum unto me, and let me come cum upon you."


  • Indiepalin

    So the electified fence initially had a totally different use.

  • It's not over until the fat lady Herman sings.

    • Only Cain could make "Londonderry Air" sound as nasty as Prince. Or maybe that should be "London Derrierre".

  • finallyhappy

    Why is this a problem? There are not dead girls or live boys involved. Isn't this Iokiyar?

  • 102415

    That includes some bitches.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Wait a minute – Cain's still around?

  • Would you like extra roofies on that pizza?

    • Occupy V572

      Herman apparently couldn't quite pitch that upsell.

      • NellCote71

        Perry ate them all the other night before his speech. Also.

  • Callyson

    When it comes to the bottom line, there are a few reasons that an employer might pay to sweep sexual harassment allegations under the rug instead of fighting them in the courtroom or the court of public opinion.
    And the reasons that a former employee running for public office might first deny the charges outright, then ask the reporter if anyone has ever filed sexual harassment charges against *him*, then finally admit there was a settlement but claim the bitches set him up…?

  • whiterabid

    If I could know for certain that it wasn't Karl Rove who leaked the story, I would feel better about this. I don't ever want to be on the same side as Karl Rove.

    • Veritas78

      Guaranteed, this has Karl Rove all over it. In fact, you're soaking in it!

      • TitsAkimbo


  • subsum

    I think the sumbich is toast–not that he was gonna get the nomination in the first place–but I don't think he'll get his gig at Fox News. And it's not because of the charges (Murdoch don't give a shit about that) but because of all the mumbling and fumbling at the press conference yesterday. Even Fox has to have some standards, right?

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • EatsBabyDingos


    • elviouslyqueer

      Even Fox has to have some standards, right?

      Oh please, the only reason why Fox won't hire Hermie is because they've already hired their token darkie. Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, as well.

      • jus_wonderin

        Juan looks as if he as seen a ghost. Or a very think board is up his butt.

        • Swampgas_Man

          He should be smacked upside the head w/ a "think board".

          • jus_wonderin

            ah, ya got me. but it works that way too!

      • PuckStopsHere

        Even Fox has to have some standards, right?
        Uh, r…i…g…h…t.

    • RavenRant

      Two words: Sarah Palin. Two more words: Refudiate. Squirmish.

      • ShaveTheWhales


    • Rotundo_

      O'Reilly, Loofah.

    • TitsAkimbo


  • Pragmatist2

    Just like that credit card charge reading "Exclusive Entertainment" is the cost of doing hookers.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I thought it was "stenography."

      • jus_wonderin


        • horsedreamer_1


        • Tundra Grifter


  • prommie

    And then he woke up in a bathtub full of ice, and one of his kidneys was gone, and someone wrote in lipstick across the mirror "welcome to the world of AIDS." But he can't prove it up, but thats what he remembers.

    • Occupy V572

      Was the poodle in the microwave?

  • It's called "Droit d'Execubot."

  • prommie

    Herman's got 999 problems, and bitches are two of them.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Jay Z ref FTW!

    • emmelemm


      I likes it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Herman and Clarence Carter—they both be Strokin'!!!

  • Oh come on people. Those ladies were confused when he demanded that they should be "Raisin' Cain!"

  • NellCote71

    Granted, abuses of the system through false claims have occurred. However as a professional woman in her 60s, the amount of uninvited sexual harassment I had to put up with in the 70s and 80s more than make up for any male "victims." And I am sure I am not alone. It was not until the Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill case did a lot of powerful men realize they could be held accountable. I did not have the courage of Anita Hill, but I appreciate what she did.

    • hagajim

      Clarence Thomas was held accountable? When?

      • RavenRant

        Not even when he admitted to falsifying his financial disclosure forms for 20 years.

        Cuz who would have ever thought that you were supposed to disclose your finances on your financial disclosure forms?

    • Guppy

      It sounds like you're trying to justify collective punishment.

      • NellCote71

        Hagajim, you are right; he was not held accountable, but it did cost him considerable embarrassment.

        Guppy, yeah, maybe I am. Or at least a good dose of schadenfreude.

    • RavenRant

      Back in the 80s, I reported a guy at work for really egregious harassment. He was fired. Turns out he'd already been fired for incompetence, but had cried his way back on the job. They were chomping at the bit for an excuse to get rid of him.

      From that point on, all the engineers, sexist douchebags, every man jack of them, would ostentatiously flinch and back up against the wall whenever I was around.

      I loved it.

  • bureaucrap

    I don't want to say that the alleged harrasser is ALWAYS guilty, but generally these lawsuits don't just magically appear out of thin air on multiple occasions with multiple would-be plaintiffs. Therefore, I feel absolutely confident in declaring Hermie the love bug to be guilty in my personal court of public opinion. Off with his Heads (both of them)!

  • mereoblivion

    I inappropriately gestured at them over there so I wouldn't have to inappropriately gesture at them over here?
    I was for forgetting that I paid them to shut up before I was for remembering that I paid them to shut up?
    This is all a canard of the liberal cabal?
    Running out of cliché variations . . .

  • SorosBot

    Those silly women, thinking that they should be treated with respect equal to that given to their co-workers with penises.

  • Pragmatist2

    You know, some part of my Jersey City soul asks: Is it actually possible that some Democrat was smart enough to figure that if he leaked this stuff, the Tea baggers would be dumb enough to blame liberals and that sympathies would up Cain's vote, get him the nomination and sweep Obama to victory?
    The answer, of course, is that since LBJ died no Democrat has the brains or cojones to try that one.

    • Chichikovovich

      LBJ, Sam Rayburn,… Oh for the days when some of the ruthless bastards were *our* ruthless bastards.

    • Veritas78

      That would be the fifth level of chess. This one goes to eleven.

      • horsedreamer_1

        11.11.11 Nigel Tufnel Day "Never Forget"

  • smashedinhat

    In defence of pizza, after seven years of mayo on everything there would have to be a lot of anus before I turned away from a slice. As for the right's most important black person, someone please gift this dude a fleshlight, stat!

  • Ruhe

    "Back to the Future"! Now where did I put my key to the BoomBoom Room?

  • prommie

    Ah, the good old days, you could goose your receptionist when she brought you coffee, cop a feel, and send her on her way with a pat on the ass, the darkies had to sit on the back of the bus, and airline stewardesses said "coffee, tea, or me." Racist and sexist nostalgia is the new black, in the show bizness these days.

    • I'll give you "Playboy Club" for that, but I get tired of telling people that's not what "Mad Men" is about. As for "Pan Am", I get more of a boner from the idea of actually looking forward to commercial air travel than from the stews, because I haven't gotten any of THAT action in at least 10 years.

  • coolhandnuke

    The NRA slogan. "You can have my chicken wings, but you must first pry my cold, greasy hands from the waitress' titties."

  • By the same standard, aren't Titty Bars also part of the "cost of doing business"?

    • MOG2410

      Not according to the IRS.

      • NellCote71

        Flat tax?

        • MOG2410

          Not in this case.

    • RavenRant

      One of the 'Things We Learn From Movies': Every police investigation, at some point, must lead to a strip club.

    • elviouslyqueer

      aren't Titty Bars also part of the "cost of doing business"?

      I'm not sure, but they were mighty popular last night with the Trick or Treaters that showed up at our humble abode.

      • jus_wonderin

        I had one little tyke say "Twix or Tweets". I told him "if he wasn't happy with Snickers to get the fuck off my porch". I slammed the door on it and went back to watch DWTS, having just missed Nancy Grace's Halloween dance. Damn kids!!

    • RavenRant

      Also, Lesbian Bondage Bars are part of the cost of 'Conservative Christian, Family Values' campaigning.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Also the price of my erection.

  • Prospectors who climb hastily toward the top have a million directions to fall, Cain, and none of those whom you stepped on along your way will offer to catch you. Just ask Yertle the Turtle. All it takes to topple your ill-charted course, conceivably, is a big ol' pizza relished burp!

  • hagajim

    "Come on, Americans! Let’s come together and start worshipingdrawing and quartering job-killing sociopaths in the executive suites.." – There, fixed.

  • emmelemm

    God, women are such complainers.

    Ain't that the truth.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Here's the thing I find most unbelievable: the dude has been married to the same woman for more than 40 years. Does anyone think for a moment that he would ever be allowed to forget a single detail from those settled suits? Hell, no. He is forced to apologize every Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's Day and the odd Thursday when she's just pissed for no obvious reason.

    • jus_wonderin

      By that definition I was married for..uh, 60 months of Thursdays.

    • Why would he even have to tell her, until yesterday? He wasn't canned, and I'm sure they have the kind of pious, God-blessed marriage where he doesn't have to tell her a God-damned thing.

  • RadioOcupados

    The women who were harassed spoke a little German and kept saying Nein, Nein, Nein.

  • fuflans

    needz moar whore diamonds.

  • Occupy V572

    What's for dinner at Ken's house tonight?

    Oh, and now hear this: Tweety's reporting that Herman's had his best day of fundraising evah over the last 24 hours. Man how we hate the elite liberal media and their politically correct harassment of a hardworking merchant of slow, tasty death!

    • "I met Hermy at the Playboy Party!" (winks) "Call me!"

      • Harold Ford?

        • Negropolis

          Harold Ford of the prominent, Memphis-based Fucking Fords?

          I get mad just thinking about the guy, in all seriousness. The only TN politicians I loathe more is the guy that beat him. Bobby Corker had the balls to drag his little ass up to the Detroit Auto Show a few years back after railing like no other against the auto loans.

    • Except any of the other candidates can top his haul on a bad day.

  • Guppy

    Having to pay money for sex.

    There's a term for this, I know it… Maybe David Vitter knows.

  • fuflans

    the republican field is reminding me of those bobbing birds that buy to amuse your four year old.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Cain got 99 problems and a couple bitches. Jay-Z frowns on this behavior

  • 102415

    I got to say that my wing nut landlord loves him some Cain as of yesterday afternoon and all he would say is that "He's so interesting!" " That harassment thing is bullshit!" The wagon's are circling. I just kept laughing at him. He's a big Rush Limbaugh freak.The question is why does Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter want Herman to go up seriously against Mittens?

    • Rotundo_

      The delusional fucks probably believe that it will bring in the african american vote and seal the doooooooooom of the demoncrap pardee! The logic of the conservative American is so like that of cartoon characters…

  • CapnFatback

    it’s the cost of doing business

    But, being a pizza place, such a cost comes with free Crazy Bread*!

    *Bread not included.

  • jus_wonderin

    Cain Get No….Satisfaction.

  • Troglodeity

    "Look, all I said was 'Can I put my hard, salty sausage on your hot, steamy pie' – and she totally misunderstood!"

  • OccupyFnChicken

    I am of the opinion that it does not matter, because Republicans know they'll be hell to pay if one of their preferred white men were to win against Barry. Cain could blow a dog on camera, and (in their mind) he'd still be triply preferred over that sozhulist muslin.

    …and black, to boot!

    • jus_wonderin

      Poor doggy.

    • Angry_Marmot

      That's how you get a pit bull to stop humping your leg.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    via someone at a pale blue blog that features economics, bad music, and cats…..

    Lawyer: Cain accuser wants to tell her side of story

    • Geminisunmars

      My eyes….my eyes. Oy, I read some of the comments. The complainant just wants to make money and ruin a hard working man.

      • Blueb4sunrise


  • CogitoErgoBibo

    Ruh row. Victim lady wants permission to air Cain's dirrrty, dirrrty laundry, if only her former employer will allow. Go, victim lady, go!

    • Blueb4sunrise


    • littlebigdaddy

      Yes but said lady has a degree from an Ivy League university. How long before Fox and other assorted idjits call her an elitist bitch.

      • RavenRant

        Elitist bitch, trailer trash tramp, or anywhere on the spectrum in between, bitches are always just asking for it. Didn't you get the memo?

        • Blueb4sunrise

          Aha. Yes, now it's clear. Female, Ivy, harassment……………..
          3, 2, 1….

  • actor212

    Cost of doing monkey business, you mean.

    • BarackMyWorld

      It was funnier on page 1.

  • meatlofer

    The NRA has gone to shit since OL' Chuck Heston died……What?…. Oh fuck it!

    • jus_wonderin

      'What's all this talk about sax and violins on TV?"

  • fuflans

    and cartman is going to be the 1%.

    this is a good week.

  • Speaking of this mess, has anyone seen this bit of Coulter and Hannity analyzing it with their usual insight?

    WARNING: Viewing this clip may result in the urge to yell "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME" at the top of one's lungs.

    • not that Dewey

      No thank you. I can get by just fine without knowing what the Spitting Man thinks about sexual harassment lawsuits.

    • RavenRant

      "Our blacks are better than their blacks." There is so much wrong with that.

      • TitsAkimbo

        I've heard that said about major league sports teams, which I guess is what politics has become anyway.

    • Whoever picked that photo has a great sense of humor. Coulter sure can measure 'em!

      • TitsAkimbo

        Jazz hands!

      • "So then I says to the doctor, 'I want mine to be thiiiiiiis big.'"

    • Geminisunmars

      I've already fulfilled my masochism quota for the week, so I won't be clicking it.

  • johnnymeatworth

    So by Thursday they should be busting him for possession of crack?

    • littlebigdaddy

      If so, the bitch will have set him up.

  • I believe the charges all stem from this particular musical number at the National Restaurant Association annual meeting:

    • emmelemm


      But yeah, good one.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if a rich and powerful man just wants to share some luvin' with the ladies, then the lawyers and insurance companies that get involved are just part of the price of doing business. Just like the lawyers and insurance companies that Exxon/Mobile needs because people get upset when they release a little oil in the ocean.

    In other words, this is just another reason we need tort reform!

  • Buckminster

    "Cost of doing business?" Like cement shoes for your competitors? Really?

    • emmelemm

      Can you write those off on your taxes?

      (Oh, and I bet you can write off lawsuit settlements on your corprat taxes. Not that you'd have to pay any anyway.)

  • not that Dewey

    He's running for office, for Pete's sake.

  • bflrtsplk

    And this is the Repug frontrunner. Man, I am just completely at a loss. Guess that's why those crappy pies cost so much.

  • Generation[redacted]

    So this is his "Journey to the White House." Who knew.

  • I would pay good money to see a Herman Cain vs. Jeremiah Wright debate. There would be some world class pulpit-clowning, of that you can be sure!

    • RavenRant

      Got to get the 'Rent is Too Damn High' dude in there for a three way.

      • Well, I'd leave the most obvious clown out of it. Mainly because I would like to see Wright wipe the floor with Cain. And Cain vs. Wright would be the ultimate remake of Booker T. vs. W.E.B.

    • My money's on the Rev., who would kick Cain's ass with one hand tied behind his back AND lockjaw.

  • tihond

    If this involves a pube on a coke can, I'm quitting life.

  • Nostrildamus

    Just a heads up, Herm. Goats don't sue.

  • Chichikovovich

    Expect Cain to really double down on trying to get the Republican nomination. He's trapped into a corner, since his backup plan was to become leader of France's socialist party.

  • I guess the money was worth it?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I'll bet those lawyer types are working on that this very moment.

  • Chichikovovich

    The harrassees can legally speak out, I would guess, it would just cost them a ton of money in civil court. No doubt their lawyers ensured that in exchange for silence they were extremely well compensated.

  • Dr. Dre is the spiritual consiglieri to Herm's godfather? Bitches ain't shit, indeed.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Merely prostitutes and other recipients of monetary subterfuge.

  • This is a left-wing bitch hunt.

  • owhatever

    And the name of your movie will not appear on your hotel bill.

  • ttommyunger

    Jon Stewart says Mitt is the luckiest motherfucker in the world, going up against this gaggle of asshats and morons. I say Barry is – and I'm delighted.

  • Douché

    He just made the girls an offer they couldn't refuse.

  • rocktonsam

    I can't think of a reason why any of this dipshit's sexual advances would be wanted anyway

    cripes almighty

    Atlanta's own, Herb "coke" Cain

  • Negropolis

    99 problems, and a bitch seems likely to be a a lot of them.

  • Negropolis

    Needz moar tax cuts.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Spermin Cain…

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