We are a little weary of reading the 999 million reports about Herman Cain’s futile efforts to get his dementia-laden storylines about those sexual harassment allegations to line up, so let us escape together briefly, for laffs, in our queer solar-powered time machines back to when Herman Cain was losing his other attempt at political office, a Senate run in Georgia. Here is Herman Cain in this 2004 campaign ad awkwardly hovering in front of a cheap Microsoft Office template graphic as he shrewdly explains that he is a “believer” who will not allow godless activist judges to fulfill their plot to overthrow the United States theocracy, if that is in fact what they are plotting.
His counterattack plan is to add some of his trademark confusion to the Constitution by throwing in an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,” helpfully inserted right after the establishment clause, probably.
And here he is in another campaign ad of the same crappy style showing us the origins of his famously obnoxious “999″ tax policy plan, which as we discover began its mentally-challenged life as a “two words that are actually six words” plan:
And that is all the time travel we have energy for, right now! But there are more of them. That creepy old Herman Cain, he sure is a smooth talker, if you don’t listen to any of the words he is saying. [YouTube thanks to Wonkette operative "Andrew K."]
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“One Nation Under God,”
So God is Canada?
Phisss NO!! Don't you know anything about the Bible? Jebus likes to do Emerica missionary style.
Giving out some gentle ribbing Bacon?
He's ribbed for our pleasure
(blush)
Canadian Bacon izn't all that good, rilly.
Possibly, it could also be that God is approximately 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and 1% Argon, CO2, and other trace gases. It is a theological conundrum for the ages.
NEEDS MOAR CIGARETTES AND SMARMY SMILEZ!!!!
NEEDS MORE GROPING AND TOUCHING!!
It's there in the still of the second clip.
Two words, Herman: "Start over."
“…an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,”…”
So much for state’s rights…
But Herman, if we scrap the tax code, by what means would you have your crappy pizzas delivered?
They would be delivered on private toll roads, obviously.
Herman Cain is the answer… to a tough trivia question five years from now.
Herman Cain was actually the impetus for a tough trivia question on NPR last week: Name the last two major-party nominees for the presidency who had never run for political office before. (Perot doesn't count–sorry, whatever silly party you made up)
Washington and ..? Hmm, I guess – like Perot – he didn't have a major party either.
(Although I understand Jefferson's inaugural kicked ass.)
Grant and Eisenhower. What do I win?
A Wendell Willkie t-shirt.
I'll take "Losers" for $1000, Alex.
Shut down the IRS? Yay, more money for us after he sexually harasses us and settles. What are ya'll going to use your Herman Cain tax-free trauma settlement bucks for?
Pizza, what else?
With sausage and pepperoni, natch.
“The reason I forgot them is because they were ridiculous. I dismissed them out of my mind,”
Hopefully we'll be able to forget him for the same reason.
That's how you know he was an awesome corporate executive: he can actually fire memories of his own failures, indiscretions and crimes from his brain.
I can see why the citizens of Georgia didn't send him to the Senate — they wanted to save him up to be president for the whole country. Thanks, Georgia!
Unsuprisingly, his presidential campaign will also be a resounding success.
Needs more "Mmmm Mmmm, you lookin fine baby. You're about my wife's height…..WHEN SHE'S SUCKIN MY TAX FRAUDULENT CACK! ".
Cons never change. Per Steve Benen our crack house of wingnutsenatives is voting on this today. How this "creates jawbs" is a fucking stretch…
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/political-animal…
Wow. We have met the Confederacy of Dunces, and it is us*.
ETA: * for thinking our elected ruminants were gonna get serious about developing a viable job-creation plan. This is the closest I've seen yet to any effort to put promises to action, so kudo's to Governor Dayton for corraling 800 biz leaders in such a gesture. Hopefully after knocking a few heads together some ideas fell out.
"The bill briefly outlines the history of government references to God, and adds in that “if religion and morality are taken out of the market-place of ideas, the very freedom on which the United States was founded cannot be secured.”"
Since the freedom on which the United States was founded includes freedom of and from religion, no this bill is against freedom; and no one is talking about taking morality out of the market-place of ideas, just religion, which has absolutely nothing to do with it.
Between voting on the existing motto, the daily invocation, saying the pledge of allegiance, the meetings of the House Prayer Caucus, it's like our representative hardly have time left to cut taxes for the rich. How the hell do they do it?
Volume.
Processed cheese food additive, like Godfather's Pizza?
Why does Drudge Lite (the Polithoze) so hate beloved Hermie the Love Bug?
My guess?
Drudge2.0 is a Karl Rove pilot fish.
KKKarl thinks Mittens is the best chance the GOP has, so the other clowns must be kicked outta the car.
~
Because he has been told to do so.
Definitely purchased by Mittens.
The Obama administration is so afraid of running against Herman Cain next year that they planted an obviously phony story about how Herman Cain sexually harassed women during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association. All the other GOP candidates are aghast at these racist allegations.
Considering the Obama administration itself is the result of a plant in a Honolulu newspaper in 1961, this shit is getting deep. Real deep.
The truth is out there.
Planted at the Politico? The onlyest thing that grows at that drivel desert is perhaps the size of Ben Dover Smith's fundamental orifice from servicing his masters.
Well, aren't you special….did you ever think that: a) these are obviously unphony stories(check 'em out!) and: b) Mittens is probably the money behind the sudden media exposure?…. Dinosaurs often eat each other….
Rhinos frequently defecate on each other…
did you ever think that cain did it because he loves his country so much?
As much as Newt? Unpossible.
Cain did it because he was Able.
well done
Maybe the girls did it, realizing that now that Cain is famous, being harassed by him is worth something in the 6 figure range, at least. Also, realizing that Obama, Romney, Perry, Rove and others are going to be blamed for it.
Maybe now they can get a book deal, and some talk show appearances.
Next commercial:
Rock You Like A Herman Cain!
~
Like A Block.
Now you got a Scorpions song in my head!!!!! Where is the down fist?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The schlock continues with smoker guy. Look this guy lost me when he was singing about pizzas to Imagine. A sacrilge I say.
Say, you know who *else* believed in not taking “G-d” out of The State… ?
That is one jolly moron.
"999 million reports"
But a bitch ain't one.
(I'm sorry.)
(Not really.)
Holy shit! It just hit me! Cain lost to Johnny Isakson in 2004. Shouldn't the GOP be supporting Isakson? ps Who?
Every day more information comes out about Rupert Murdoch's sprawling criminal enterprises — which is probably why our media is focused so heavily on Herman Cain's gross behavior.
And speaking of gross behavior, is he gonna use that God commercial in his run for the nomination? A few quick edits and it would be ready to go.
thanks for that.
I don't get it; the ad begins with the announcer saying "Herman Cain talks sense", but then he goes on to speak complete nonsense about how he hates the Constitution. That's false advertising right there.
Herman Cain't
# WINNING!!!!!
This guy lost the primary to one Johnny Isakson http://isakson.senate.gov/
Class, why do you think that is?
And for bonus points, explain how the seat came to be held previously by Zell Miller.
He had a book to peddle in 2004 too?
I wonder if its that funky finger action of his, as seen in that video, that gets him into sexual trouble.
Since I am at work and bored, I enabled the YouTube close captioning on the videos. The results are probably less confusing than Herman Cain’s usual speeches.
Video 1:
Women came to offset
If you ask who is currently
artsy I am nobody
I believe in the room judgement shouldn’t
take the words under god out of our
pledge of allegiance
If they do
i believe we should put on that
i believe we need a constitutional
amendment to guarantee will remain one
nation under god
conservative
me it’s common sense
that’s my message
apartment came
Video 2:
Herman Cain talks sense
but united states tax code it’s a eight
million word mess
that we can fix into words start over
scrap the tax code and shut down the
uh.. ras
replace it with the new tax system that’s
fair and simple
and while we are at it
why not replace the professional
politicians who make the mess
conservative
you bet
to me it’s common sense
that’s my message
i’m permitting
Well count me in I can see how protecting the late 50’s era rewrite of our pledge of allegiance will fix all our problems. After all since the late 50’s our country has had an unprecedented period of peace tranquility and justice for the average American.
Sorry, I was standing on my head… is Herm Cain a Satan worshiper?
Maybe he should contact the producer of these gems and do an ad explaining his 9 different explanations for that sexual harassment unpleasantness.
reminds me of a shirt my friend saw once. it said, "two words: suck it."
Contestant 2: I'll take Flash in the Pans for $1000
Alex: An embezzler of campaign funds that didn't have a chance in 2012.
Contestant 3: Who is Michele Bachmann?
Alex: Judges? Sorry
Contestant 1: Who is Sarah Palin!
Alex: No
(delay…Beep beep)
Alex: The correct answer was 'Who is Herman Cain?'.
I feel so violated.
It's quite obvious to me that Cain is certainly not Able.
"You've been Hermanated."
I liked the TPM headline this morning, relating to Mark Block's shenanigans, "HERMAGEDDON." Nice.
Scans better than "Herbpocalpyse".
After watching those videos, I want to sue Cain for mental harassment.
I'd like to remind the American people that the Pledge of Allegiance didn't come about until 1892 (120 years after the country was declared), and "under God" was added in 1954 (only 62 years after the pledge was written, 57 years ago).
FUCKIN' HISTORY, HOW DOES IT WORK!?
FACT LIBEL!!!!!
And the United States' motto was changed from E Pluribus Unum to "One nation under god" in 1956, undoing 175 years of tradition; it was all part of the McCarthyite red scare paranoia.
The mark of true conservatives is that they're willing to fuck tradition.
Cain said in 2004 "don't take God out of the pledge of allegiance." Seven years later and it is still there. He is a man who can make things happen.
The Mark of the Beast is strong in this one….
Like Michelle said, if you turn 9-9-9 upside down…………
I find these difficult to masterbate to.
Please rise for our new National Anthem, courtesy of naturalized American Neil Young: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKaDCP-wKr8
Q-" Mr. Cain, Why don't Black People go on cruises?" Hermie- " Because we fell for that shit once already!"
Instead of the slogan proposed by Eisenhower – a man that the true patriot Robert Welch recognized to be a "dedicated, conscious agent of the Communist conspiracy" – why not "E Pluribus Unum" for the U.S. motto, as the founding fathers intended? Boy, oh boy, the tea party is going to come down on Cain and the Congressional Republicans super hard.
These ads clearly bear the mark of Cain.
Does anyone remember Herman Cain from when he ran for president in 2000?
No?
Well then, you probably won't remember this campaign 4 years from now, either…..
How is it that we Libtards didn’t get around to our high tech lynching back in 2004? I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Soros about this missed opportunity.
The man can't do everything. In 2004 Soros was spending all his time, money and energy conspiring with Dan Rather to plant documents promoting the obviously false and scurrilous claim that Bush had a dismal record in the Texas National Guard. And paying off the guy who Bush saved under enemy fire in Vietnam to say that it was Kerry who did it.
Bitch set him up.
What?
"in our queer solar-powered time machines"
Hey now, my time machine might have experiemented a bit in college.
Has he missed the big threat to our nation … that muslin pyramid on our monies? And that big eye of the masons club? In Pee-Wee Herman we trust.
Don't take "Under God" out of the pledge of allegiance! Leave it JUST like the founding fathers intended it when they… errr…. rewrote it in the 1950s!
I always like how the old "One Nation, Indvisble" sounded. Now it should be "One Nationed, Divisble by God-yelling Idiots"
Hmmmm, he lost that election, right? Oh wait…he didn't even make it through the fucking primaries.
Candidacy fail
It appears that he made an attempt at the fucking primaries, but somehow got into a lawsuit instead.
what do you do with a 5'X6' 'herman cain talks sense' set piece?
Needs moar crotch-grabbing. For the wimmin's vote.
I prefer this, both in terms of wording and reader.
While "studying" the US Constitution, Herm must have fallen asleep before he got to Article 6, Clause 3.
Oh Hermie, you so crazy! No, really-you're fucking nuts.
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