We are a little weary of reading the 999 million reports about Herman Cain’s futile efforts to get his dementia-laden storylines about those sexual harassment allegations to line up, so let us escape together briefly, for laffs, in our queer solar-powered time machines back to when Herman Cain was losing his other attempt at political office, a Senate run in Georgia. Here is Herman Cain in this 2004 campaign ad awkwardly hovering in front of a cheap Microsoft Office template graphic as he shrewdly explains that he is a “believer” who will not allow godless activist judges to fulfill their plot to overthrow the United States theocracy, if that is in fact what they are plotting.

His counterattack plan is to add some of his trademark confusion to the Constitution by throwing in an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,” helpfully inserted right after the establishment clause, probably.

And here he is in another campaign ad of the same crappy style showing us the origins of his famously obnoxious “999” tax policy plan, which as we discover began its mentally-challenged life as a “two words that are actually six words” plan:

And that is all the time travel we have energy for, right now! But there are more of them. That creepy old Herman Cain, he sure is a smooth talker, if you don’t listen to any of the words he is saying. [YouTube thanks to Wonkette operative “Andrew K.”]

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  • nounverb911

    “One Nation Under God,”
    So God is Canada?

  • McRibzgood


    • LabRodent


      • Blueb4sunrise

        It's there in the still of the second clip.

  • mereoblivion

    Two words, Herman: "Start over."

  • chicken_thief

    “…an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,”…”

    So much for state’s rights…

  • freakishlywrong

    But Herman, if we scrap the tax code, by what means would you have your crappy pizzas delivered?

    • Guppy

      They would be delivered on private toll roads, obviously.

  • Tengu

    Herman Cain is the answer… to a tough trivia question five years from now.

  • Barb

    Shut down the IRS? Yay, more money for us after he sexually harasses us and settles. What are ya'll going to use your Herman Cain tax-free trauma settlement bucks for?

  • WunkRocker

    “The reason I forgot them is because they were ridiculous. I dismissed them out of my mind,”

    • Generation[redacted]

      Hopefully we'll be able to forget him for the same reason.

    • edgydrifter

      That's how you know he was an awesome corporate executive: he can actually fire memories of his own failures, indiscretions and crimes from his brain.

  • Come here a minute

    I can see why the citizens of Georgia didn't send him to the Senate — they wanted to save him up to be president for the whole country. Thanks, Georgia!

  • Zombie_Reagan

    Unsuprisingly, his presidential campaign will also be a resounding success.

  • El Pinche

    Needs more "Mmmm Mmmm, you lookin fine baby. You're about my wife's height…..WHEN SHE'S SUCKIN MY TAX FRAUDULENT CACK! ".

  • freakishlywrong

    Cons never change. Per Steve Benen our crack house of wingnutsenatives is voting on this today. How this "creates jawbs" is a fucking stretch…

    • Wow. We have met the Confederacy of Dunces, and it is us*.

      ETA: * for thinking our elected ruminants were gonna get serious about developing a viable job-creation plan. This is the closest I've seen yet to any effort to put promises to action, so kudo's to Governor Dayton for corraling 800 biz leaders in such a gesture. Hopefully after knocking a few heads together some ideas fell out.

    • SorosBot

      "The bill briefly outlines the history of government references to God, and adds in that “if religion and morality are taken out of the market-place of ideas, the very freedom on which the United States was founded cannot be secured.”"

      Since the freedom on which the United States was founded includes freedom of and from religion, no this bill is against freedom; and no one is talking about taking morality out of the market-place of ideas, just religion, which has absolutely nothing to do with it.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Between voting on the existing motto, the daily invocation, saying the pledge of allegiance, the meetings of the House Prayer Caucus, it's like our representative hardly have time left to cut taxes for the rich. How the hell do they do it?

      • LesBontemps


      • MOG2410

        Processed cheese food additive, like Godfather's Pizza?

  • Why does Drudge Lite (the Polithoze) so hate beloved Hermie the Love Bug?

    • My guess?

      Drudge2.0 is a Karl Rove pilot fish.

      KKKarl thinks Mittens is the best chance the GOP has, so the other clowns must be kicked outta the car.

    • Terry

      Because he has been told to do so.

    • An_Outhouse

      Definitely purchased by Mittens.

  • Indiepalin

    The Obama administration is so afraid of running against Herman Cain next year that they planted an obviously phony story about how Herman Cain sexually harassed women during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association. All the other GOP candidates are aghast at these racist allegations.

    • Trannysurprise

      Considering the Obama administration itself is the result of a plant in a Honolulu newspaper in 1961, this shit is getting deep. Real deep.

    • Planted at the Politico? The onlyest thing that grows at that drivel desert is perhaps the size of Ben Dover Smith's fundamental orifice from servicing his masters.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, aren't you special….did you ever think that: a) these are obviously unphony stories(check 'em out!) and: b) Mittens is probably the money behind the sudden media exposure?…. Dinosaurs often eat each other….

      • Indiepalin

        Rhinos frequently defecate on each other…

        • Crank_Tango

          did you ever think that cain did it because he loves his country so much?

          • Chichikovovich

            As much as Newt? Unpossible.

      • An_Outhouse

        Cain did it because he was Able.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          well done

    • Maybe the girls did it, realizing that now that Cain is famous, being harassed by him is worth something in the 6 figure range, at least. Also, realizing that Obama, Romney, Perry, Rove and others are going to be blamed for it.

      Maybe now they can get a book deal, and some talk show appearances.

  • Next commercial:

    Rock You Like A Herman Cain!

    • poncho_pilot

      Like A Block.

    • McRibzgood

      Now you got a Scorpions song in my head!!!!! Where is the down fist?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

  • Beowoof

    The schlock continues with smoker guy. Look this guy lost me when he was singing about pizzas to Imagine. A sacrilge I say.

  • memzilla

    Say, you know who *else* believed in not taking “G-d” out of The State… ?

  • GuanoFaucet

    That is one jolly moron.

  • Guppy

    "999 million reports"

    But a bitch ain't one.

    (I'm sorry.)

    (Not really.)

  • Schmannnity

    Holy shit! It just hit me! Cain lost to Johnny Isakson in 2004. Shouldn't the GOP be supporting Isakson? ps Who?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Every day more information comes out about Rupert Murdoch's sprawling criminal enterprises — which is probably why our media is focused so heavily on Herman Cain's gross behavior.
    And speaking of gross behavior, is he gonna use that God commercial in his run for the nomination? A few quick edits and it would be ready to go.

    • fuflans

      thanks for that.

  • SorosBot

    I don't get it; the ad begins with the announcer saying "Herman Cain talks sense", but then he goes on to speak complete nonsense about how he hates the Constitution. That's false advertising right there.

  • MiniMencken

    Herman Cain't

    • DahBoner

      # WINNING!!!!!

  • Lucidamente1

    This guy lost the primary to one Johnny Isakson

    Class, why do you think that is?

    And for bonus points, explain how the seat came to be held previously by Zell Miller.

  • Nostrildamus

    He had a book to peddle in 2004 too?

  • mavenmaven

    I wonder if its that funky finger action of his, as seen in that video, that gets him into sexual trouble.

  • chowkster

    Since I am at work and bored, I enabled the YouTube close captioning on the videos. The results are probably less confusing than Herman Cain’s usual speeches.

    Video 1:
    Women came to offset
    If you ask who is currently
    artsy I am nobody
    I believe in the room judgement shouldn’t
    take the words under god out of our
    pledge of allegiance
    If they do
    i believe we should put on that
    i believe we need a constitutional
    amendment to guarantee will remain one
    nation under god
    me it’s common sense
    that’s my message
    apartment came

    Video 2:
    Herman Cain talks sense
    but united states tax code it’s a eight
    million word mess
    that we can fix into words start over
    scrap the tax code and shut down the
    uh.. ras
    replace it with the new tax system that’s
    fair and simple
    and while we are at it
    why not replace the professional
    politicians who make the mess
    you bet
    to me it’s common sense
    that’s my message
    i’m permitting

  • Goonemeritus

    Well count me in I can see how protecting the late 50’s era rewrite of our pledge of allegiance will fix all our problems. After all since the late 50’s our country has had an unprecedented period of peace tranquility and justice for the average American.

  • DaRooster

    Sorry, I was standing on my head… is Herm Cain a Satan worshiper?

  • Callyson

    Maybe he should contact the producer of these gems and do an ad explaining his 9 different explanations for that sexual harassment unpleasantness.

  • poncho_pilot

    reminds me of a shirt my friend saw once. it said, "two words: suck it."

  • McRibzgood

    Contestant 2: I'll take Flash in the Pans for $1000

    Alex: An embezzler of campaign funds that didn't have a chance in 2012.

    Contestant 3: Who is Michele Bachmann?

    Alex: Judges? Sorry

    Contestant 1: Who is Sarah Palin!

    Alex: No

    (delay…Beep beep)

    Alex: The correct answer was 'Who is Herman Cain?'.

  • I feel so violated.

  • hagajim

    It's quite obvious to me that Cain is certainly not Able.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "You've been Hermanated."

    I liked the TPM headline this morning, relating to Mark Block's shenanigans, "HERMAGEDDON." Nice.

    • MOG2410

      Scans better than "Herbpocalpyse".

  • GuanoFaucet

    After watching those videos, I want to sue Cain for mental harassment.

  • CommieLibunatic

    I'd like to remind the American people that the Pledge of Allegiance didn't come about until 1892 (120 years after the country was declared), and "under God" was added in 1954 (only 62 years after the pledge was written, 57 years ago).


    • McRibzgood

      FACT LIBEL!!!!!

    • SorosBot

      And the United States' motto was changed from E Pluribus Unum to "One nation under god" in 1956, undoing 175 years of tradition; it was all part of the McCarthyite red scare paranoia.

      • An_Outhouse

        The mark of true conservatives is that they're willing to fuck tradition.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Cain said in 2004 "don't take God out of the pledge of allegiance." Seven years later and it is still there. He is a man who can make things happen.

  • Toomush_Infer

    The Mark of the Beast is strong in this one….

    • MOG2410

      Like Michelle said, if you turn 9-9-9 upside down…………

  • McRibzgood

    I find these difficult to masterbate to.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Please rise for our new National Anthem, courtesy of naturalized American Neil Young:

  • meatlofer

    Q-" Mr. Cain, Why don't Black People go on cruises?" Hermie- " Because we fell for that shit once already!"

  • Chichikovovich

    Instead of the slogan proposed by Eisenhower – a man that the true patriot Robert Welch recognized to be a "dedicated, conscious agent of the Communist conspiracy" – why not "E Pluribus Unum" for the U.S. motto, as the founding fathers intended? Boy, oh boy, the tea party is going to come down on Cain and the Congressional Republicans super hard.

  • Nostrildamus

    These ads clearly bear the mark of Cain.

  • DahBoner

    Does anyone remember Herman Cain from when he ran for president in 2000?


    Well then, you probably won't remember this campaign 4 years from now, either…..

  • Goonemeritus

    How is it that we Libtards didn’t get around to our high tech lynching back in 2004? I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Soros about this missed opportunity.

    • Chichikovovich

      The man can't do everything. In 2004 Soros was spending all his time, money and energy conspiring with Dan Rather to plant documents promoting the obviously false and scurrilous claim that Bush had a dismal record in the Texas National Guard. And paying off the guy who Bush saved under enemy fire in Vietnam to say that it was Kerry who did it.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Bitch set him up.

  • proudgrampa


  • jus_wonderin

    "in our queer solar-powered time machines"

    Hey now, my time machine might have experiemented a bit in college.

  • owhatever

    Has he missed the big threat to our nation … that muslin pyramid on our monies? And that big eye of the masons club? In Pee-Wee Herman we trust.

  • Redhead

    Don't take "Under God" out of the pledge of allegiance! Leave it JUST like the founding fathers intended it when they… errr…. rewrote it in the 1950s!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I always like how the old "One Nation, Indvisble" sounded. Now it should be "One Nationed, Divisble by God-yelling Idiots"

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Hmmmm, he lost that election, right? Oh wait…he didn't even make it through the fucking primaries.

    Candidacy fail

    • PubOption

      It appears that he made an attempt at the fucking primaries, but somehow got into a lawsuit instead.

  • fuflans

    what do you do with a 5'X6' 'herman cain talks sense' set piece?

  • jakegittes

    Needs moar crotch-grabbing. For the wimmin's vote.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I prefer this, both in terms of wording and reader.

  • Slim_Pickins

    While "studying" the US Constitution, Herm must have fallen asleep before he got to Article 6, Clause 3.

  • ttommyunger

    Oh Hermie, you so crazy! No, really-you're fucking nuts.

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