GIBBERISH  12:54 pm November 1, 2011

Here Are The Hilariously Shlocky Herman Cain Ads From 2004!

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

We are a little weary of reading the 999 million reports about Herman Cain’s futile efforts to get his dementia-laden storylines about those sexual harassment allegations to line up, so let us escape together briefly, for laffs, in our queer solar-powered time machines back to when Herman Cain was losing his other attempt at political office, a Senate run in Georgia. Here is Herman Cain in this 2004 campaign ad awkwardly hovering in front of a cheap Microsoft Office template graphic as he shrewdly explains that he is a “believer” who will not allow godless activist judges to fulfill their plot to overthrow the United States theocracy, if that is in fact what they are plotting.

His counterattack plan is to add some of his trademark confusion to the Constitution by throwing in an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,” helpfully inserted right after the establishment clause, probably.

And here he is in another campaign ad of the same crappy style showing us the origins of his famously obnoxious “999″ tax policy plan, which as we discover began its mentally-challenged life as a “two words that are actually six words” plan:

And that is all the time travel we have energy for, right now! But there are more of them. That creepy old Herman Cain, he sure is a smooth talker, if you don’t listen to any of the words he is saying. [YouTube thanks to Wonkette operative "Andrew K."]

 
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{ 105 comments }

nounverb911 November 1, 2011 at 12:56 pm

“One Nation Under God,”
So God is Canada?

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Phisss NO!! Don't you know anything about the Bible? Jebus likes to do Emerica missionary style.

weejee November 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Giving out some gentle ribbing Bacon?

MissTaken November 1, 2011 at 1:05 pm

He's ribbed for our pleasure

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

(blush)

Dok-cupy Everything November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Canadian Bacon izn't all that good, rilly.

Moonbatting Average November 1, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Possibly, it could also be that God is approximately 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and 1% Argon, CO2, and other trace gases. It is a theological conundrum for the ages.

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 12:58 pm

NEEDS MOAR CIGARETTES AND SMARMY SMILEZ!!!!

LabRodent November 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

NEEDS MORE GROPING AND TOUCHING!!

Blueb4sunrise November 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

It's there in the still of the second clip.

mereoblivion November 1, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Two words, Herman: "Start over."

chicken_thief November 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm

“…an amendment requiring citizens to admit they live in “One Nation Under God,”…”

So much for state’s rights…

freakishlywrong November 1, 2011 at 1:00 pm

But Herman, if we scrap the tax code, by what means would you have your crappy pizzas delivered?

Guppy November 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

They would be delivered on private toll roads, obviously.

Tengu November 1, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Herman Cain is the answer… to a tough trivia question five years from now.

Dok-cupy Everything November 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Herman Cain was actually the impetus for a tough trivia question on NPR last week: Name the last two major-party nominees for the presidency who had never run for political office before. (Perot doesn't count–sorry, whatever silly party you made up)

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Washington and ..? Hmm, I guess – like Perot – he didn't have a major party either.

(Although I understand Jefferson's inaugural kicked ass.)

SorosBot November 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Grant and Eisenhower. What do I win?

Dok-cupy Everything November 1, 2011 at 2:30 pm

A Wendell Willkie t-shirt.

Graham Cracker November 1, 2011 at 3:37 pm

I'll take "Losers" for $1000, Alex.

Barb November 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Shut down the IRS? Yay, more money for us after he sexually harasses us and settles. What are ya'll going to use your Herman Cain tax-free trauma settlement bucks for?

johnnymeatworth November 1, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Pizza, what else?

starfanglednut November 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

With sausage and pepperoni, natch.

WunkRocker November 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

“The reason I forgot them is because they were ridiculous. I dismissed them out of my mind,”

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Hopefully we'll be able to forget him for the same reason.

edgydrifter November 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

That's how you know he was an awesome corporate executive: he can actually fire memories of his own failures, indiscretions and crimes from his brain.

Come here a minute November 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I can see why the citizens of Georgia didn't send him to the Senate — they wanted to save him up to be president for the whole country. Thanks, Georgia!

Zombie_Reagan November 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Unsuprisingly, his presidential campaign will also be a resounding success.

El Pinche November 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Needs more "Mmmm Mmmm, you lookin fine baby. You're about my wife's height…..WHEN SHE'S SUCKIN MY TAX FRAUDULENT CACK! ".

freakishlywrong November 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Cons never change. Per Steve Benen our crack house of wingnutsenatives is voting on this today. How this "creates jawbs" is a fucking stretch…
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/political-animal

Mumbletypeg November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Wow. We have met the Confederacy of Dunces, and it is us*.

ETA: * for thinking our elected ruminants were gonna get serious about developing a viable job-creation plan. This is the closest I've seen yet to any effort to put promises to action, so kudo's to Governor Dayton for corraling 800 biz leaders in such a gesture. Hopefully after knocking a few heads together some ideas fell out.

SorosBot November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"The bill briefly outlines the history of government references to God, and adds in that “if religion and morality are taken out of the market-place of ideas, the very freedom on which the United States was founded cannot be secured.”"

Since the freedom on which the United States was founded includes freedom of and from religion, no this bill is against freedom; and no one is talking about taking morality out of the market-place of ideas, just religion, which has absolutely nothing to do with it.

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Between voting on the existing motto, the daily invocation, saying the pledge of allegiance, the meetings of the House Prayer Caucus, it's like our representative hardly have time left to cut taxes for the rich. How the hell do they do it?

LesBontemps November 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Volume.

MOG2410 November 1, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Processed cheese food additive, like Godfather's Pizza?

weejee November 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Why does Drudge Lite (the Polithoze) so hate beloved Hermie the Love Bug?

ifthethunderdontgetya November 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

My guess?

Drudge2.0 is a Karl Rove pilot fish.

KKKarl thinks Mittens is the best chance the GOP has, so the other clowns must be kicked outta the car.
~

Terry November 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Because he has been told to do so.

An_Outhouse November 1, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Definitely purchased by Mittens.

Indiepalin November 1, 2011 at 1:05 pm

The Obama administration is so afraid of running against Herman Cain next year that they planted an obviously phony story about how Herman Cain sexually harassed women during his tenure at the National Restaurant Association. All the other GOP candidates are aghast at these racist allegations.

Trannysurprise November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Considering the Obama administration itself is the result of a plant in a Honolulu newspaper in 1961, this shit is getting deep. Real deep.

starfanglednut November 1, 2011 at 5:03 pm

The truth is out there.

weejee November 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Planted at the Politico? The onlyest thing that grows at that drivel desert is perhaps the size of Ben Dover Smith's fundamental orifice from servicing his masters.

Toomush_Infer November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Well, aren't you special….did you ever think that: a) these are obviously unphony stories(check 'em out!) and: b) Mittens is probably the money behind the sudden media exposure?…. Dinosaurs often eat each other….

Indiepalin November 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Rhinos frequently defecate on each other…

Crank_Tango November 1, 2011 at 1:31 pm

did you ever think that cain did it because he loves his country so much?

Chichikovovich November 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm

As much as Newt? Unpossible.

An_Outhouse November 1, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Cain did it because he was Able.

OccupytheDashboard November 1, 2011 at 2:47 pm

well done

gurukalehuru November 1, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Maybe the girls did it, realizing that now that Cain is famous, being harassed by him is worth something in the 6 figure range, at least. Also, realizing that Obama, Romney, Perry, Rove and others are going to be blamed for it.

Maybe now they can get a book deal, and some talk show appearances.

ifthethunderdontgetya November 1, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Next commercial:

Rock You Like A Herman Cain!
~

poncho_pilot November 1, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Like A Block.

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Now you got a Scorpions song in my head!!!!! Where is the down fist?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

Beowoof November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

The schlock continues with smoker guy. Look this guy lost me when he was singing about pizzas to Imagine. A sacrilge I say.

memzilla November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Say, you know who *else* believed in not taking “G-d” out of The State… ?

GuanoFaucet November 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

That is one jolly moron.

Guppy November 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

"999 million reports"

But a bitch ain't one.

(I'm sorry.)

(Not really.)

Schmannnity November 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Holy shit! It just hit me! Cain lost to Johnny Isakson in 2004. Shouldn't the GOP be supporting Isakson? ps Who?

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Every day more information comes out about Rupert Murdoch's sprawling criminal enterprises — which is probably why our media is focused so heavily on Herman Cain's gross behavior.
And speaking of gross behavior, is he gonna use that God commercial in his run for the nomination? A few quick edits and it would be ready to go.

fuflans November 1, 2011 at 2:46 pm

thanks for that.

SorosBot November 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I don't get it; the ad begins with the announcer saying "Herman Cain talks sense", but then he goes on to speak complete nonsense about how he hates the Constitution. That's false advertising right there.

MiniMencken November 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Herman Cain't

DahBoner November 1, 2011 at 1:38 pm

# WINNING!!!!!

Lucidamente1 November 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

This guy lost the primary to one Johnny Isakson http://isakson.senate.gov/

Class, why do you think that is?

And for bonus points, explain how the seat came to be held previously by Zell Miller.

Nostrildamus November 1, 2011 at 1:14 pm

He had a book to peddle in 2004 too?

mavenmaven November 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I wonder if its that funky finger action of his, as seen in that video, that gets him into sexual trouble.

chowkster November 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Since I am at work and bored, I enabled the YouTube close captioning on the videos. The results are probably less confusing than Herman Cain’s usual speeches.

Video 1:
Women came to offset
If you ask who is currently
artsy I am nobody
I believe in the room judgement shouldn’t
take the words under god out of our
pledge of allegiance
If they do
i believe we should put on that
i believe we need a constitutional
amendment to guarantee will remain one
nation under god
conservative
me it’s common sense
that’s my message
apartment came

Video 2:
Herman Cain talks sense
but united states tax code it’s a eight
million word mess
that we can fix into words start over
scrap the tax code and shut down the
uh.. ras
replace it with the new tax system that’s
fair and simple
and while we are at it
why not replace the professional
politicians who make the mess
conservative
you bet
to me it’s common sense
that’s my message
i’m permitting

Goonemeritus November 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Well count me in I can see how protecting the late 50’s era rewrite of our pledge of allegiance will fix all our problems. After all since the late 50’s our country has had an unprecedented period of peace tranquility and justice for the average American.

DaRooster November 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Sorry, I was standing on my head… is Herm Cain a Satan worshiper?

Callyson November 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Maybe he should contact the producer of these gems and do an ad explaining his 9 different explanations for that sexual harassment unpleasantness.

poncho_pilot November 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

reminds me of a shirt my friend saw once. it said, "two words: suck it."

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Contestant 2: I'll take Flash in the Pans for $1000

Alex: An embezzler of campaign funds that didn't have a chance in 2012.

Contestant 3: Who is Michele Bachmann?

Alex: Judges? Sorry

Contestant 1: Who is Sarah Palin!

Alex: No

(delay…Beep beep)

Alex: The correct answer was 'Who is Herman Cain?'.

Chet Kincaid November 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I feel so violated.

hagajim November 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It's quite obvious to me that Cain is certainly not Able.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"You've been Hermanated."

I liked the TPM headline this morning, relating to Mark Block's shenanigans, "HERMAGEDDON." Nice.

MOG2410 November 1, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Scans better than "Herbpocalpyse".

GuanoFaucet November 1, 2011 at 1:22 pm

After watching those videos, I want to sue Cain for mental harassment.

CommieLibunatic November 1, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I'd like to remind the American people that the Pledge of Allegiance didn't come about until 1892 (120 years after the country was declared), and "under God" was added in 1954 (only 62 years after the pledge was written, 57 years ago).

FUCKIN' HISTORY, HOW DOES IT WORK!?

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:30 pm

FACT LIBEL!!!!!

SorosBot November 1, 2011 at 1:41 pm

And the United States' motto was changed from E Pluribus Unum to "One nation under god" in 1956, undoing 175 years of tradition; it was all part of the McCarthyite red scare paranoia.

An_Outhouse November 1, 2011 at 2:35 pm

The mark of true conservatives is that they're willing to fuck tradition.

Allmighty_Manos November 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Cain said in 2004 "don't take God out of the pledge of allegiance." Seven years later and it is still there. He is a man who can make things happen.

Toomush_Infer November 1, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The Mark of the Beast is strong in this one….

MOG2410 November 1, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Like Michelle said, if you turn 9-9-9 upside down…………

McRibzgood November 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I find these difficult to masterbate to.

johnnymeatworth November 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Please rise for our new National Anthem, courtesy of naturalized American Neil Young: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKaDCP-wKr8

meatlofer November 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Q-" Mr. Cain, Why don't Black People go on cruises?" Hermie- " Because we fell for that shit once already!"

Chichikovovich November 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Instead of the slogan proposed by Eisenhower – a man that the true patriot Robert Welch recognized to be a "dedicated, conscious agent of the Communist conspiracy" – why not "E Pluribus Unum" for the U.S. motto, as the founding fathers intended? Boy, oh boy, the tea party is going to come down on Cain and the Congressional Republicans super hard.

Nostrildamus November 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm

These ads clearly bear the mark of Cain.

DahBoner November 1, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Does anyone remember Herman Cain from when he ran for president in 2000?

No?

Well then, you probably won't remember this campaign 4 years from now, either…..

Goonemeritus November 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

How is it that we Libtards didn’t get around to our high tech lynching back in 2004? I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to Mr. Soros about this missed opportunity.

Chichikovovich November 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm

The man can't do everything. In 2004 Soros was spending all his time, money and energy conspiring with Dan Rather to plant documents promoting the obviously false and scurrilous claim that Bush had a dismal record in the Texas National Guard. And paying off the guy who Bush saved under enemy fire in Vietnam to say that it was Kerry who did it.

littlebigdaddy November 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Bitch set him up.

proudgrampa November 1, 2011 at 1:41 pm

What?

jus_wonderin November 1, 2011 at 1:46 pm

"in our queer solar-powered time machines"

Hey now, my time machine might have experiemented a bit in college.

owhatever November 1, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Has he missed the big threat to our nation … that muslin pyramid on our monies? And that big eye of the masons club? In Pee-Wee Herman we trust.

Redhead November 1, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Don't take "Under God" out of the pledge of allegiance! Leave it JUST like the founding fathers intended it when they… errr…. rewrote it in the 1950s!

EatsBabyDingos November 1, 2011 at 2:38 pm

I always like how the old "One Nation, Indvisble" sounded. Now it should be "One Nationed, Divisble by God-yelling Idiots"

OccupytheDashboard November 1, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Hmmmm, he lost that election, right? Oh wait…he didn't even make it through the fucking primaries.

Candidacy fail

PubOption November 1, 2011 at 3:14 pm

It appears that he made an attempt at the fucking primaries, but somehow got into a lawsuit instead.

fuflans November 1, 2011 at 2:49 pm

what do you do with a 5'X6' 'herman cain talks sense' set piece?

jakegittes November 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Needs moar crotch-grabbing. For the wimmin's vote.

BarackMyWorld November 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I prefer this, both in terms of wording and reader.

Slim_Pickins November 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

While "studying" the US Constitution, Herm must have fallen asleep before he got to Article 6, Clause 3.

ttommyunger November 1, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Oh Hermie, you so crazy! No, really-you're fucking nuts.

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