high on life

Rick Perry Looks A Little Too Thrilled In Latest Campaign Ad (VIDEO)

Here is comical sleazeball Rick Perry’s latest Iowa campaign ad, in which Rick Perry takes up thirty seconds of your life to talk into the camera and explain without any hint of irony that he is “not a talker” as some happy frolicking elf music plays in the background. Will America finally fall in love with Rick Perry the Elf Queen?

Say goodbye to the horrifying darkness of those apocalyptic zombie movie trailer ads Rick Perry was running just last month. He is all smiles now (even though he is still empty inside)! This is his “grand plan,” just doing the exact opposite of whatever he was doing before, to try to win back voters who have come to hate him so much that he is losing to Herman Cain even in his own state.

From the Texas Tribune:

Gov. Rick Perry is statistically tied with businessman Herman Cain among Republican presidential primary voters in his home state of Texas, with the rest of the GOP candidates well behind the leaders, according to the new University of Texas/Texas Tribune poll.

Cain got 27 percent to Perry’s 26 percent among Texas registered voters who identify themselves as Republicans.

And now a Wonkette poll: does Rick Perry look “more” or “a lot more” hopped up on some delightful Bud Light-amphetamine cocktail in this campaign ad than in this drunk New Hampshire speech? [YouTube/Texas Tribune]

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  1. Barb

    Seems that Rick heard that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after two months of marriage and thinks he has a shot with her. He'll be the only man in Texas with a gal who has a ten-gallon thong.

    1. SexySmurf

      Kim Kardashian's fairy-tale marriage is over!?! It seems like just yesterday I watch a rerun of her $10 million dollar wedding on E! How will I ever believe in love again?!?

      1. Barb

        You'll believe in love again if someone buys that 25 carat, 2 million dollar engagement ring off of her and gives it to you. Dang thing is barely worn.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      I may be the hokey Xian around here, but I can be proud of the fact that I have no idea who any of the Kardashians are and why Chelsea Handler is always making fun of them.

  2. memzilla

    Using the "dot org" suffix (which is supposed to denote a non-profit organization) = DOMAIN LIBEL.

        1. grex1949

          Right. Wait 'til he snares the nomination. Don't think there aren't people out there, digging around in his closet looking for skeletons. Keep your powder dry until it's time to engage the enemy, then let 'em have it with both barrels. Maybe the Dems are learning from Rove University of Political Campaigning after all.

  3. chascates

    "I'm high all right…but not on false drugs. I'm high on the real thing — powerful gasoline, a clean windshield, and a shoeshine."

      1. Kidneys4Sale

        If one of the shat-upon interns could get us a side view of that, I would be appreciative. Or even the B-reel where he's likely bitching about how fast the little words on the screen doo-hickey move.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      That little chestnut is just as funny the four-millionth time as it was the first. Texans must like their jokes like they like their roads — narrow, neglected, and with an end you can see for hours in advance before you get there.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Probably intended to deflect the observation that Perry suffers brain freeze whenever he attempts to go off-script. He's "not a talker" because he can't think fast enough to keep up with a Texas drawl.

      Sorry, Ricky, but it has nothing to do with teleprompters. In the unlikely event you ever had to go one-on-one with Obama, you'd come off looking not just dumb, but severely re†arded.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      You're right, but Perry still KNOWS it's coming to him. The same way Dumbya KNEW Saddam had those WMDs. The same way they both know that everyone they ever executed was guilty. It's a Texas thing: "Just 'cause somethin' ain't real, that don't mean a feller can't know it."

      Here's another "Texas truth": "In Texas, we created 40 million jobs." Talk about creationist bullshit… he swiped the jobs from other states by kissing corporate ass with low taxes, cheap labor, and near-zero benefits. (Of course, if the corporations look further south, he yammers about how cheap Mexican labor is ruining the economy.) What a Texas-sized steaming heap of manure.

    2. fuflans

      yup. though i will say demonicrage: from your mouth to god's ear.

      and to think i was worried about him 5 weeks ago.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Or dive headfirst into a vat of CoverGirl. Dang, girl, those wrinkles aren't going to hide themselves!

  4. OneDollarJuana

    "I'm a doer, not a talker". What an idiot. That's what a President does, is talk. And listen, too, but I'll betcha my last dollar Perry isn't real good at listening, especially if he doesn't think he's gonna like what's being said.

    1. edgydrifter

      Exactly. Considering he's dressed, coiffed and made-up to be a 21st century Reagan, you'd think Perry would appreciate the value of speaking. Reagan said "tear down this wall." He didn't go rip the fucker down with a jackhammer himself.

  5. Indiepalin

    If the Perry campaign really wants to gain traction, they should claim responsiblity for planting the Politico story yesterday.

  6. widestanceshakedown

    Not like the leader of the free world would be expected to talk to foreign dignitaries, so, if elected, we can expect him to just do them? FTW?

      1. widestanceshakedown

        Who is this Dubya you speak of? I have to ask, since Conservapedia lists no one by that name.

  7. CliveWarren

    "Will America finally fall in love with Rick Perry the Elf Queen? "

    When the fuck did Perry get fay-married to Dennis Kucinich?

    1. emmelemm

      Yeah, the shirt! Oy vey!

      True personal story time: My dad is gay. Like gay, gay, gay. So a while back he put together a sort of family album/scrapbook (yes, he's the official family scrapbooker – GAY) and gave copies to everyone. There's a lovely photo of him and his four younger brothers; I'm not sure exactly how old he is, probably about 10? The photo is from the '50s, and in black and white, so what color the shirt is is lost to the ages, but nonetheless:

      There are five little boys, four of them dressed in typical little kid farm gear (stripey shirts, overalls), and my dad, beaming, in a shiny, button-down shirt. Even through the black and white photo and the oldness of it, the satin sheen of this shirt shines through. Just looking at this photo, the first thought one has is, "GAY."

      1. Limeylizzie

        Aw, that's sweet! My Dad loved to dress up in women's clothing, any chance he could , any costume party my 6″3″ 210 lb Daddy would be wearing some fin de siecle , gay 90s number.

          1. ProudLibunatic

            But that is an English thing, right? I've never seen a place where the men LOVE dressing in women's clothes so much!

            What a shame that poor ol' Jimmy Savile is gone! I loved him on Top of the Pops back in the day.

  8. flamingpdog

    Perry's finally getting the born-again Jesusite look in his eyes and sweet smile down pat. Feller needs to head back to Iowa and win that first primary in the religious nutcase state.

    Nice lavendar shirt there too, Ricky. How much more ghey can you get, dude?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    If Rick Perry was as bad a doer as he is a talker, his state would be in a fiscal crisis, suffer from rampant unemployment, be on fire, and have created the largest slew of subpar wage jobs without insurance or promise of advancement in the last two years. But then he never said he was good at it.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        To be fair, he didn't need them, what with all the FEDERAL firefighing assistance he got (from that dadgum big gummint that he also wants to paralyze.)

    1. DustBowlBlues

      And sent an intern out the back door to stand on the porch and wait for the delivery person to drop off that $20 billion Recovery Act check to balance the books.

      I so enjoy hating everything Texan. Where else would they brag about an epic defeat? Someone said the difference in our two state is that "Texans lost a battle, and they never stop bragging about it. 40,000 okies were blown away in a cloud of dust, and Oklahomans have never quit apologizing for it."

      Not entirely clear what that means, but it sounds deep, doesn't it?

      1. Chichikovovich

        The one thing that's a shame about Big 12 reorganization is that we'll have to do without the annual (well, nearly so) Red River Beatdown that Oklahoma hands Texas.

  10. Nostrildamus

    How can people take you seriously when you can't even stand up straight? Honest, Rick, that slouch and smirk were – maybe – cool in high-school, but these days they just make you look like a juvenile delinquent.

    1. flamingpdog

      Pity poor Barry if he ever got zombified and dropped off in Loudon County. Guy could starve to death.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Christ almighty, but the modern day Repugnant Party is hideous. We had lunch after church yesterday with a friend who calls himself an Independent now and his Republican lady friend. Faux News was playing on a teevee screen the place uses for football games and the like. Fortunately, it was on mute. Rick Perry came on and someone muttered, "He's so smart" then the lady said she was warming to Cain, but would vote for Mittens or anyone who could beat Obama.

      How can anyone with half a brain identify with that bunch of mean, lying crazies? My daughter who moved from Seattle to Tulsa said that one of her early mistakes was assuming, because a person sounded intelligent, that they were liberals. :-)

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sweet frozen-Jeebus-on-a-stick: Ginger Gash and her "Truckload of Republican candy".

          Where do you even start with material like this?

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            Perhaps if we make fun of it, she'll grow tired of it and change her name to Ginger Fachina

  11. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Definitely "A lot more." Or at least he altered the ratios of Bud Light/Meth.

    FWIW, he totally looks like a smoker, with the leathery face, crows feet and big black pores. But maybe I'm just projecting.

  12. proudgrampa

    This damn presidential campaign is the new archetype for the proverb: "Familiarity breeds contempt."

  13. Mumbletypeg

    His forced smile is what I imagine they mean when "they" = smarmy telemarketing supervisors requiring you to "SMILE" while you, the lowly telemunky, bark into the phone at the total strangers you've auto-dialed up to pitch life insurance or whatnot. The old "folks can hear the smile in your voice" adage that makes you want to wrap their helpful example-smiles around a fistful of rancid meat oreos.

  14. Chichikovovich

    "I'm a doer not a talker"???? No wonder Herman "I'm a leader not a reader" Cain is eating him for lunch. You've got to rhyme, man. Like: "I'm a doer not an internal revenooer", or "I'm a doer, not a Hee-Haw viewer", or "I'm a doer, not a taking my kids to see the orangutans and three-toed sloths at the zoo – er".

    OK, Perry people. I'll give you this 100% pure, Rove-quality campaign advice for free. But the next one will cost you.

    1. schvitzatura

      Moar onomatopoeia, to match the bubble quotes one can imagine floating above Goodhair's noggin…

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Sir! I will have you know that I was saving that for Notrildamus's "moaner or screamer" comment! Sir!

  15. kissawookiee

    Oh, the teleprompter joke never gets old. Shall I assume, then, that Rick-the-Doer was reciting that entire thirty seconds from memory? Or was he just reading from a script that was painted on a large rock, allegedly?

  16. Schmannnity

    At least Bush claimed he was a decider, which at least implied thought. Pecos Perry just does.

  17. flamingpdog

    Pleaze, Wonkette, no more Ricky videos for a while, OK? Haven't we suffered enough aggieny already these last few days?

  18. iburl

    "We cut 15 billion dollars from the gubbermint"

    Y'all didn't want public education or firefighting did ya?

  19. OccupytheDashboard

    Hold on a second…a white conservative Texas governor is tied with a black conservative…in Texas?!

  20. El Pinche

    "I'm doer not a talker"…is that like a decider but with more hairspray? Good fucking god. It's 2000 all over again. All we need now is shitty ass Limp Bizkit and Ally McBeal.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    Carleton Sheets, Dave del Dotto, Rick Perry – I mean, shouldn't this guy be selling get-rich-quick real estate schemes on late night TV?

  22. Redhead

    Obama's teleprompter destroyed the economy?

    How did it manage to do that before Obamer was even elected? OMG magic!!!!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Looking forward to the last movie when the magic underwear fights an epic battle with the magic teleprompter.

  23. Blueb4sunrise

    He physically resembles Bush more every day. (I watched without volume)

    Also, whoever was operating that camera also has the yips.

  24. carlgt1

    when he lingers on the word "they" – you know it's code for "niggerheads".

    On another note – I guess Molly Ivins must be spinning in her grave to get out and lambaste these idiots (esp Perry of course).

  25. Chichikovovich

    At first I thought "ah, the teleprompter joke", how *original*. But then I realized that what Perry actually said was not "uses a teleprompter", but rather "has great teleprompter skills". And since Perry also uses a teleprompter when he speaks, the implied contrast is:

    "Would you rather have for president a guy who can make a speech on a teleprompter sound compelling and powerful, or would you rather have a marblemouthed dolt who can have every last aspect of his speech – including pauses and emphases – spelled out right in front of him on a transparent screen but will even with that assistance come out sounding like someone slipped the worlds first talking chimpanzee a whole bottle of banana brandy."

    With that understood, the Perry campaign really is offering a starkly honest choice, and they should be commended for it.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        That was my first thought — it sounds yummy.

        I'm going to invent a new cocktail with it: the Banana Foster Brooks.

  26. PhilippePetain

    "Look. I'm a dumbfuck. If you and me and all the other dumbfucks can just get together and blather loud enough and long enough, we can lick every last bit of that outdated smart stuff that's left in warshinton. So please, put your mark on the voter registration form, and if you don't in fact know how to make an 'X' please have someone nearby who can help you."

    ^Surefire winner Rick. You can pay me when you get to the White House.

  27. RadioOcupados

    I wonder if in the not too distant future some smart anthropologist will analyze at these pitiful videos and get a Nobel Prize or something.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I don't know about the Nobels, but if Carl Hiaasen ever turns his attention to Texas, he could earn a Pullitzer.

  28. Rotundo_

    What I am interested in knowing, is this: If Rove and the Bush faction hate this man as sincerely as they do, when does the rat fucking begin? I would have thought that Karl and his crew would have put the screws to someone out there to either out this guy or to roll on some sort of corruption investigation to pull him down. It seemed he was doing a good enough job of self sabotage at every debate, but the money keeps rolling in for him. There should be some marvelous rat fucking (to go with Cain's dose) headed Ricky's way if Rove's patterns and reputation hold. I just want to see what they do to torpedo Ricky.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He's doing a fine job of fucking up all by hisself — look at the poll numbers. Herman Cain is the one with the threatening numbers, and he's the one who just got Roved.

    2. Negropolis

      You don't want to take him out, too early. You let him mess with Romney some more to thicken his already thick skin (Romeny is not anything if not doggedly persistent), and then you take him out.

      1. NellCote71

        All of the above are so right on the Rove thing. Unfortunately the Cain bomb dropped the same time as the Perry speech in New Hampshire, and the media are going with the Cain story. But all the Obama campaign has to do is play a few clips from the Perry speech. No other script, just the clips. I have never seen anything this bizarre in my six decades on this earth, most of which have been as a yellow-dog Democrat.

  29. weejee

    Since the Rethugs are so in love with hijacking oldies for commercials without getting permission/paying royalties (e.g., Barracuda © for Mooselini), maybe Rickie's shirt gives a clue for his…

    ♪♫ Purple shirt upon my frame
    Lately things don't seem the same
    Acting funny, but I don't know why
    'Scuse me while I kiss this guy

    Purple dazed all around
    Don't know if I'm cummin' or up-side-down
    Lindsey's ham biscuits all around
    Whatever it is, that Graham's put a spell on me ♫♪

  30. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    I'll give them this much, they've created a pretty sweet alternate universe where none of their actions have ever had negative consequences. Not to say they ever play the victim card either, because that's strictly a librul/socialist/muslin/satanic thing.

  31. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I wish for a Perry nomination almost as much as I wish for Cain. I picture the debate with Obama, where Perry blathers on about all the miracles he's wrought in Texas with budget cuts and tax cuts, and Obama just lets him have all the rope he wants. Then Obama recites Texas' rank (47, 48th, 49th, 50th) in per capita income, education, SAT scores, health, and a dozen other measures of citizen welfare. "That's Rick Perry's Texas, and that's Rick Perry's vision for America. If that's what you want for your kids, go ahead and vote Republican."

    (I'm making the optimistic assumption that the dumbfuck demographic, who do want exactly that, is still a minority.)

    1. Negropolis

      "That's Rick Perry's Texas, and that's Rick Perry's vision for America. If that's what you want for your kids, go ahead and vote Republican."

      And then he totally drops the mic, and walks off stage to thunderous applause.

  32. ttommyunger

    Still expecting a Perry/Palin ticket to be announced any day now. That would suck all the air out of the Repug. race.

  33. arihaya

    Herb Cain can become nominee the same way Michael Steele became RNC chairman: to prove that they "are not racist"

  34. DemonicRage

    I deleted my own comment by mistake, trying to click on replies and read them. I had said that Perry knows that the nomination is now his to lose. No one in the Republican Party likes Mitt Romney, and that racist party will never nominate Herman Cain (whose balloon seems to be deflating, even as I type these words).

  35. Allmighty_Manos

    "Are you looking for a guy who understands basic economic and foreign policy or who at least reads a daily newspaper. We already have that."

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