new study proves it

62% of Americans Morally Unfit For Amoral U.S. Politics

Fight Night at the jail.America’s elected officials range from rat-eyed sheriff bullies who mercilessly persecute the various racial minorities to the president, who constantly murders people all over the world and shovels billions of dollars to Wall Street. And yet, a new survey proves that 62% of Americans “say their past would preclude them from running for public office.” Is the entire country made up of necrophiliac pedophiles? No, just 62%. But how do they feel about mail delivery, book readin’, William Henry Harrison, free wi-fi at the coffee shop and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans? Thanks to the monthly inane treasure known as the Vanity Fair/CBS News survey of people dumb enough to answer the phone at dinnertime, we now have the answers to these important societal questions.

Starting with our recent elected (and unelected) presidents, first ladies and current “front runners,” America’s top political leaders have all been guilty of a shocking array of crimes. From vehicular manslaughter to the operation of international narcotics cartels, draft evasion to killing a million people for being born “with the Arab gene,” gross dalliances with moon-faced interns to lifetimes of systemic fraud, our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic.

And yet, the vast majority of “regular Americans” with their petty crimes of smoking dope and not coming to a complete stop at the four-way intersection and breaking into the neighbor’s house to steal soiled dildos and Krugerrands, feels their collective past is just too dirty to run for office. Because of “slutty Halloween costumes,” women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%), whose secret crimes are somewhat limited by ugliness, odor and stupidity. (Men make up for this with their constant violent rage against children, wives and pets.)

Let’s see, what else:

Bring back the Gipper, say 36 percent of Americans who chose Ronald Reagan over Franklin Delano Roosevelt (29 percent) when asked which past president they would want in the White House in these trying times. There was a marked difference between Republicans and Democrats, with the latter picking FDR (43 percent) and the former going for the Gipper (68 percent). Thomas Jefferson came in third place with 14 percent from a list of five past presidents that also includes Harry Truman (8 percent) and William Henry Harrison (1 percent).

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Elsewhere in the survey: 68 percent of Americans say they have read a book in the last month, the same percentage that believe the Postal Service should operate at least five days a week. Thirty-eight percent of those polled don’t believe they or anybody else still have any Neanderthal genes, rejecting a recent study saying due to interbreeding tens of thousands of years ago, many humans today carry some Neanderthal genes in their DNA.

Everything about this survey is perfect. [Vanity Fair]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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230 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "Bring back the Gipper, say 36 percent of Americans who chose Ronald Reagan over Franklin Delano Roosevelt "
    Didn't Reagan raise taxes more often than FDR?

      1. LetUsBray

        Yep; when they do the autopsy on US America, they'll find the Gypper's fingerprints all over it.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Yes, but there are also a number of hollywood accounts that his first wife Jane Wyman could suck a golf ball through a hose. So one shouldn't completely condemn him.

      1. Beowoof

        Well the rumor was Nancy gave the best head in Hollywood so that db led a charmed life. I am betting he sold his soul to get it.

      1. Beowoof

        Ah yes the republican unfunny cartoons. Sorry I couldn't click the link, I have seen his attempts at "political humor".

  2. Come here a minute

    I am disqualified from from the office of the U.S. President because I don't believe in the tooth fairy, or other imaginary characters so popular on Jesusween.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      As am I, by the Pikachu tattoo on my left bicep.

      (Just kidding, I think tats and Pokemon are just about equally stupid. Which probably makes me qualified for something.)

    2. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'm pretty sure that Harry/Lucius slash fiction would turn up at some point during my doomed campaign.

  3. hagajim

    Jesus….pretty soon someone is going to have to tell us to put water on the fucking plants so they live….fucking morans…all of us. I wonder what books the Merikans are reading….stamp books from the looks of it.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm probably not qualified to run for office, but I'm sure I'm more qualified than Ronald Reagan was.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Can you look at someone who has just filleted your every argument, revealing your entire campaign to be nothing but foolish platitudes and half-remembered schlock movie lines, and say with a twinkle in your eye: "Well, there you go again." to wild applause?

      It's not as easy as it looks. Only the truly, sociopathically cynical or the depthlessly stupid can pull it off consistently on game day after game day.

      (Oh, sure, everybody can clear the bar once or twice in scrimmages.)

        1. Chichikovovich

          ( Aside to the audience: Maudit 'ostie. This is like when the Germans in American uniforms at the Battle of the Bulge got exposed when they didn't know who played shortstop for the Tigers…)

          I um, was referring to people who, you know, do the spike the ball over the goalposts thing to celebrate a touchdown.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            Well now that I know more than I need to about Quebecois cussin'…

            In my northern wanderings, I have found that Canada consists mostly of Scotsmen, Russians, Jamaicans and pre-Cajuns. So how is it possible that your national character is so reasonable?

  5. DahBoner

    And I think the 62% should all step down from office, and give the other 38% of Americants a chance….

  6. Crank_Tango

    Wait, Reagan had neantherthal genes, and that's why the called him the Gipper? Suddenly, it all makes sense.

  7. memzilla

    I agree: bring back The Gipper… to the International Hague Tribunal, for prosecution under the War Crimes Act for Iran-Contra. Then make him live in a refrigerator carton under an I-95 overpass.

  8. chascates

    62% sounds like of low. And the morally fit by definition can't raise money from lobbyists or corporations.

  9. Dok-cupy Everything

    68 percent of Americans say they have read a book in the last month…

    And 40% of these people, asked to specify, said "Garfield is a book, right?"

  10. Chichikovovich

    Those morons who chose William Henry Harrison were obviously confusing him with Benjamin Harrison.

      1. Chichikovovich

        It is true that few politicians manage to make the press honeymoon last their whole stretch in office.

  11. prommie

    Thank God for this poll. Now I know what I am supposed to think about the things I know nothing about.

  12. Occupy V572

    Who thinks up an insanely stupid poll idea like that, and then pretends to find the outcome (Dems like FDR and Gopers like Saint Ronnie) interesting? Vanity Fair and CBS? Somethings not right there — VF has some decent articles in amongst the celebrity porn. Whereas CBS hasn't done anything decent since Charles Kuralt retired.

  13. SmutBoffin

    Hey! Those neanderthal genes got us through ~100,000 years of human prehistory, though I also think that they disqualify me from the Presidency.

    We haven't elected a hirsute slope-head since McKinley.

      1. Chichikovovich

        You are going as the last Republican debate? Excellent Mittens versus Michelle B. costumes!

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Yes, but like future President Palin, he quit his post before he could finish the Japs.

    2. Steverino247

      One sent the Marines to run over the Japanese in the Pacific and the other allowed a Marine to shit on the Constitution and trade arms to Iran.

      1. glamourdammerung

        One sent the Marines to run over the Japanese in the Pacific and the other allowed a Marine to shit on the Constitution and trade arms to Iran.

        But that was for a good cause. Those nuns were not going to rape themselves and those death squads really needed the money and weapons.

  14. Schmannnity

    This just proves that 62% of Americans are incompetent or too poor to buy off or kill witnesses like a really successful politician.

  15. OneYieldRegular

    I read a book last month about the Gipper's Neanderthal genes. Do I get a prize or something?

    1. OccupytheDashboard

      Only if you found the book when you broke into your neighbor's house to steal soiled dildos.

      1. DahBoner

        Nah, Jack is too busy sneaking around men's toilets dropping them funny comics behind the tp holder…

  16. Lucidamente1

    "breaking into the neighbor’s house to steal soiled dildos and Krugerrands": Ken, how did you know my secret?

  17. Pragmatist2

    LIncoln!!!!!
    Lincoln didn't make the freaking list!?!?!?!?!
    This is conclusive proof that 85% of Americans aren't fit to be Americans.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Reread the article: They were given a list with only five presidents on it. FDR, Gipper, Jefferson, Truman and W.H. Harrison. (The last I suppose is a little joke referring to the fact that he only spent a month in office, a record for brevity.) I've got to think that FDR, Truman and Jefferson were splitting the non-Gipper vote.

    2. VaWyo

      He wouldn't have won because he was against slavery. Without (wage) slaves, how would the 1% make all their money?

  18. fuflans

    also, that horrible suzi schmidt that harrassed 911 after beating up her wayward spouse is NOT going to run again.

    bye bye suzi. and don't let the door hit you on that very wide ass.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Another victim of thug union liberal smear Democrat party elitist snob politically correct out-of-touch taxes smear thug snob Democrat taxes party smear tactics.

  19. Chet Kincaid

    Humanity i love you
    because you would rather black the boots of
    success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
    watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

    parties and because you
    unflinchingly applaud all
    songs containing the words country home and
    mother when sung at the old howard

    Humanity i love you because
    when you're hard up you pawn your
    intelligence to buy a drink and when
    you're flush pride keeps

    you from the pawn shops and
    because you are continually committing
    nuisances but more
    especially in your own house

    Humanity i love you because you
    are perpetually putting the secret of
    life in your pants and forgetting
    it's there and sitting down

    on it
    and because you are
    forever making poems in the lap
    of death Humanity

    i hate you

  20. prommie

    Well, I was able to give up chasing pussy, but that doesn't mean I can run from it, so, I suppose that puts me in the 62%.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          No, it's only ok if your wife isn't one of them -don't you read "Dear Newtie"?…. conservative etiquette is sooo important…

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I offered a semester course on "William Henry Harrison: the lost president years" and 12 signed up for it. They really needed a history credit and the other courses were filled. I gave them the assignment to go out at night and, with sticks, beat the bushes for Harrison. I would wait for them in front of the classroom building with a sack and a Coleman lantern and would snag him when they found him. Night after night I waited but no Harrison showed up.

      Oh, wait. That was a snipe hunt. Just forget about it…

  21. fuflans

    our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic.

    i don't know, i think all those fetuses in a jar would have delighted him.

    1. Chichikovovich

      And Obama would have made a great Hamlet, if instead of killing Claudius Hamlet wanted to work out a mutually acceptable arrangement.

  22. SoBeach

    I don't believe 36% of Americans even recognize the names Reagan and Roosevelt. They just picked one of the names from the list that was read to them. If there had been a completely made up president's name on the list it would probably get 25% or more.

  23. RadioOcupados

    Too bad being drunk, stupid and effeminate doesn't disqualify people from being Gov. of Texas.

  24. LiveToServeYa

    Yes, but they are qualified to be the Power Behind the Throne, which, by definition, is some sort of Royal Ballcock.

  25. LesBontemps

    Public Enemy was on the right track, but the correct answer is "It Takes A Nation Of Morons To Hold Us Back."

  26. proudgrampa

    "From vehicular manslaughter to the operation of international narcotics cartels, draft evasion to killing a million people for being born “with the Arab gene,” gross dalliances with moon-faced interns to lifetimes of systemic fraud, our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic."

    I guess my arrest for graffiti and a speeding ticket just wouldn't match the qualifications listed above.

  27. Lascauxcaveman

    and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans?

    You say that like it's a bad thing.

  28. Goonemeritus

    As much as I like Jefferson I think he might be a little flummoxed with today’s problems not to mention the lack of sexy time with slaves. FDR on the other hand would feel right at home almost as if nothing had changed.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Reagan, on the other hand, would be demonized as a Communist by the Movement Conservatives wishing him back if he were to govern anything like he did in the 80s.

  29. fuflans

    women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%).

    weird. i am very pround of my tawdry whorish life.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I am only ashamed that my life hasn't been nearly as tawdry and whorish recently as I would've liked.

      1. hagajim

        Then you are in luck…isn't the Kenyan the changey hopey one…I hope you can go forth and be tawdry and whoreish!

  30. Callyson

    "When you consider some of the decisions you've made in the past that might come to life, do you think you could run for public office?"
    If only some of the current members of Congress had asked themselves that question…

    1. Scottsdalian

      If only some of the current members of Congress had asked themselves that question…

      Lots of job postings if they ALL asked themselves that question.

  31. Chichikovovich

    I knew that stealing the street sign at the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg when I was a teenager would come back to haunt me.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    I don't think most of the respondents of that survey know what "morally" means — I'd consider myself unfit in some regards for public office, but that's because as a very liberal atheist humanist pro-pot-legalization unmarried cheap-ass unmaterialistic procrastinatic slob who drives a beat-up older car and doesn't like to dress up, I'd be a public relations nightmare. Which is probably what most Americans also mean when they say they'd be morally unfit. Which confusion between morals and public image is far more distressing than any other data gleaned from this poll.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      procrastinatic

      Haha, then maybe I did see you at the downtown Occupy's general assembly last night, arriving like 15 minutes after they had started? None of the rest of what you said would fit anyone's profile there, I don't think, none at all!

      atheist

      oh, wait..

      1. SayItWithWookies

        No, that wasn't me — I was busy with personal stuff, though I was surprised to hear this morning about the raid. For a while it seemed that the city was going to be a little more accommodating.

        Too bad I didn't get to have the gospel shared with me — I've been itching for a good theological discussion, or whatever they're calling it these days.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          That was what I found funny — that the commenter took time to share his intentions — I don't suppose there's anything stopping a proselytizer from pursuing potential converts no matter how many times a group relocates, why should he think he's only confined to bible-thump at the plaza?

          Not so funny: that the RVA Ocupados were sent packing as rudely and with minimal time allowance as they were. It wasn't unexpected, but last evening one or 2 speakers speculated a low turnout for tonight's GA. I bet they'll see a boost instead.

          1. SayItWithWookies

            I figured the subtext was that the occupiers are so unhappy because they haven't found Jesus, and if only their souls were saved they'd realize that everything is just peachy. Like nobody in the capital of the South ever gets to hear about the wonder and majesty of the fuckin' savior.

  33. CrunchyKnee

    Young Babs is looking at her pops and thinking "holy shit, at least I'm getting a boatload of ill gotten monies from that freak."

  34. DaRooster

    "Thirty-eight percent of those polled don’t believe they or anybody else still have any Neanderthal genes, rejecting a recent study saying due to interbreeding tens of thousands of years ago, many humans today carry some Neanderthal genes in their DNA."
    Tens of thousands of years?? That would be how long before Jesus was at the dinosaur rodeo?

  35. DaRooster

    "Because of “slutty Halloween costumes,” women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%)…"

    That's only because the guys wives were standing there all,"Who is it!?"… otherwise this would read "0% of men" and most would be trying to pick up on the interviewer.

  36. OccupytheDashboard

    Makes sense…after all, 50% of the people in this country are of below average intelligence. And, 10% of those hold elected office. Mark my words…one day the presidential limousine will be replaced with a short bus.

  37. El Pinche

    Rightwingers call Barry a commie kenyan elitist, but take a look at that photo of Dubya. Doesn't that bring back bad memories??? Holy shit, that asshole was a soulless drunken cokehead moron who probably frequently forgot to wipe his own ass. From 2001-2008, God damned America with that retard.

    1. chascates

      Doesn't the video from that event show him yelling and falling down? Maybe dry drunks have alcohol flashbacks.

      1. El Pinche

        I believe so. Thinking of POTUS Perry, the dumber effeminate (probably his best trait) version of Bush, makes my blood curdle.

  38. barto

    I think it's safe to say that if you can think of any gross/inhumane/criminal/perverse/unjust/hypocritical/mendacious act, there is at least one elected politician performing that very act RIGHT NOW. C'mon America, run for office!

  39. Native_of_SL_UT

    I would be disqualified for public office because..
    Of all the shit I have posted on this site, mostly.

    1. Chichikovovich

      But you say right in your profile that your statements aren't intended to be factual. Isn't that a get-out-of-scandal free card?

      Hahaha, just kidding. Of course that only works for Republicans.

  40. SorosBot

    Well I for one know that my past would preclude me from running for public office, because I am an unapologetic atheist which over 60% of the American people, being dumbasses, will never vote for.

    1. Negropolis

      Despite not regularly attending church, unable to quote a handful of scriptures from the Bible if a gun was put to them, most probably doubting the existence of god regularly, and living most of their lives as if there were no god. In other words, you'd be disqualified for not being a rank, philosophical hypocrite.

  41. neiltheblaze

    Let's see – I smoke pot, I'm an atheist, and I like showing men a fun time. Unfortunately, I'm also a liberal – otherwise I could run for President as a Republican. I mean – fuck it – everybody else is.

  42. smitallica

    Yes, let's bring back the hack actor who somehow raised taxes AND debt, sold arms to our enemies to fund right-wing death squads, consulted his wife's astronomer for foreign policy advice, and spent most of his second term asleep or forgetting what he was awake for.

    The American people are fucking idiots.

    1. Scottsdalian

      and spent most of his second term asleep or forgetting what he was awake for.

      That was AFTER he was re-elected. Boggles the mind.

  43. Antispandex

    This just in; Republican scientists today announced that they now believe there is at least a 50% chance that the earth does indeed revolve around the sun, and people should no longer be burned at the stake for saying otherwise.

  44. Steverino247

    Neaderthal genes. Hmm, what we don't know is which way those genes were passed. If they were exclusively passed from aggressive Neaderthal males to victimized Homo Sapiens females it would explain a helluva lot.

    Including that picture of the dork with the flag…

  45. Guppy

    62% of the people who don't mind wasting their own free time so that some asshat pollsters can make some cash by monetizing people through annoying phone calls.

    Anyway… yeah, I don't see my commenting history here being all that helpful to any future political ambitions.

  46. ttommyunger

    Weak piss, Wonketeers. At 70+, my PRESENT would disqualify me for the top job. My past, if fully proven, would put me in prison for life, if I were lucky.

  47. Chichikovovich

    They get that far? Don't you know that the answering machine is the greatest contribution to human contentment since the remote-controlled dildo?

  48. jus_wonderin

    I should have known. That time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Wrong move I guess.

  49. Fawkdifiknow

    Nothing in that polling can tell you more than that Herb Cain is favored for the Republican nomination by 25% of Republican primary voters.

    And 99% of Democratic voters.

  50. Come here a minute

    Women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%).

    Women need to learn the term "youthful indiscretion".

    Also, a broad (ha ha) interpretation of the term "youthful".

  51. Beowoof

    All that hash I smoked in high school/college would disqualify me. However, when I think about it, I wouldn't want those losers who never tried any weed running the government. Uptight, weird and all Jeebused up all the time is frightening.

  52. Negropolis

    There was a marked difference between Republicans and Democrats, with the latter picking FDR (43 percent) and the former going for the Gipper (68 percent). Thomas Jefferson came in third place with 14 percent from a list of five past presidents that also includes Harry Truman (8 percent) and William Henry Harrison (1 percent).

    Honestly, save for one of them, what horrible choices. Americans have fucking pitiful tastes in historic politicians. But, William Henry Harrison? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a twisted conservative-libertarian joke, right?

  53. awwalk56

    I was a whore-monger, a one day a week drunk. A local favorite on the one day a week whore-monger drunk circuit. I never lied, cheated or stole (except during my whore-monger one day a week drunks). My biggest crime my fellow Meracans, in my youth on one of my whore-monger one day a week drunk Fridays I hung a five foot cardboard penis on a Marlboro man sign. I have since atoned for my sins, I am now ready for prime time. A.W.Walker for President 2012!

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