NEW STUDY PROVES IT  12:54 pm October 31, 2011

62% of Americans Morally Unfit For Amoral U.S. Politics

by Ken Layne

Fight Night at the jail.America’s elected officials range from rat-eyed sheriff bullies who mercilessly persecute the various racial minorities to the president, who constantly murders people all over the world and shovels billions of dollars to Wall Street. And yet, a new survey proves that 62% of Americans “say their past would preclude them from running for public office.” Is the entire country made up of necrophiliac pedophiles? No, just 62%. But how do they feel about mail delivery, book readin’, William Henry Harrison, free wi-fi at the coffee shop and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans? Thanks to the monthly inane treasure known as the Vanity Fair/CBS News survey of people dumb enough to answer the phone at dinnertime, we now have the answers to these important societal questions.

Starting with our recent elected (and unelected) presidents, first ladies and current “front runners,” America’s top political leaders have all been guilty of a shocking array of crimes. From vehicular manslaughter to the operation of international narcotics cartels, draft evasion to killing a million people for being born “with the Arab gene,” gross dalliances with moon-faced interns to lifetimes of systemic fraud, our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic.

And yet, the vast majority of “regular Americans” with their petty crimes of smoking dope and not coming to a complete stop at the four-way intersection and breaking into the neighbor’s house to steal soiled dildos and Krugerrands, feels their collective past is just too dirty to run for office. Because of “slutty Halloween costumes,” women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%), whose secret crimes are somewhat limited by ugliness, odor and stupidity. (Men make up for this with their constant violent rage against children, wives and pets.)

Let’s see, what else:

Bring back the Gipper, say 36 percent of Americans who chose Ronald Reagan over Franklin Delano Roosevelt (29 percent) when asked which past president they would want in the White House in these trying times. There was a marked difference between Republicans and Democrats, with the latter picking FDR (43 percent) and the former going for the Gipper (68 percent). Thomas Jefferson came in third place with 14 percent from a list of five past presidents that also includes Harry Truman (8 percent) and William Henry Harrison (1 percent).

Elsewhere in the survey: 68 percent of Americans say they have read a book in the last month, the same percentage that believe the Postal Service should operate at least five days a week. Thirty-eight percent of those polled don’t believe they or anybody else still have any Neanderthal genes, rejecting a recent study saying due to interbreeding tens of thousands of years ago, many humans today carry some Neanderthal genes in their DNA.

Everything about this survey is perfect. [Vanity Fair]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 230 comments }

nounverb911 October 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

"Bring back the Gipper, say 36 percent of Americans who chose Ronald Reagan over Franklin Delano Roosevelt "
Didn't Reagan raise taxes more often than FDR?

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Not only that, he started setting the table for the hell we are going through now.

LetUsBray October 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Yep; when they do the autopsy on US America, they'll find the Gypper's fingerprints all over it.

JustPixelz October 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

FDR raised taxes to pay for various public works such as "winning WWII".

Dok-cupy Everything October 31, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Blasphemy! World War II was won by entrepreneurs like Milo Minderbinder!

Not_So_Much October 31, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Yes, but there are also a number of hollywood accounts that his first wife Jane Wyman could suck a golf ball through a hose. So one shouldn't completely condemn him.

Beowoof October 31, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Well the rumor was Nancy gave the best head in Hollywood so that db led a charmed life. I am betting he sold his soul to get it.

nounverb911 October 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Needs more Millard Fillmore.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I was thinking Warren G. Harding

Numbat_Dundee October 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Grover Cleveland would be the man for the times. He could have his own mobility scooter.

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:14 am

You will be hearing from the estate of William Howard Taft, for that.

weejee October 31, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Beowoof October 31, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Ah yes the republican unfunny cartoons. Sorry I couldn't click the link, I have seen his attempts at "political humor".

Come here a minute October 31, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I am disqualified from from the office of the U.S. President because I don't believe in the tooth fairy, or other imaginary characters so popular on Jesusween.

Lascauxcaveman October 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm

As am I, by the Pikachu tattoo on my left bicep.

(Just kidding, I think tats and Pokemon are just about equally stupid. Which probably makes me qualified for something.)

WhatTheHolyHeck October 31, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I'm pretty sure that Harry/Lucius slash fiction would turn up at some point during my doomed campaign.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Jesus….pretty soon someone is going to have to tell us to put water on the fucking plants so they live….fucking morans…all of us. I wonder what books the Merikans are reading….stamp books from the looks of it.

elviouslyqueer October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Chick tracts, more like.

gullywompr October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Humph! With an address like chick.com, I was hoping for something different.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

What's a stamp book?

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2011 at 1:08 pm

S&H Green Stamps?

MOG2410 November 1, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Top Value Stamps!

EatsBabyDingos October 31, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Match books to light our fires to cook our Hobobeans.

Chillwaver October 31, 2011 at 1:28 pm

You mean we can't water plants with Brawndo?

Bots Meat Commission October 31, 2011 at 4:41 pm

It's what plants crave.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I think we're trying to get there.

gullywompr October 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm

"We are the 62%! "

But you already knew that…

Chillwaver October 31, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Interesting…I always thought most Americans were morally and physically unfit, period.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I can't run for public office because I am a human being…DQ'd right there.

weejee October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Reading a couple of books a week clearly disqualifies Mrs. weejee and me.

elviouslyqueer October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I'm reading a book right now! I AM the 38%!

MOG2410 November 1, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Yup, elitist reader.

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I'm probably not qualified to run for office, but I'm sure I'm more qualified than Ronald Reagan was.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Can you look at someone who has just filleted your every argument, revealing your entire campaign to be nothing but foolish platitudes and half-remembered schlock movie lines, and say with a twinkle in your eye: "Well, there you go again." to wild applause?

It's not as easy as it looks. Only the truly, sociopathically cynical or the depthlessly stupid can pull it off consistently on game day after game day.

(Oh, sure, everybody can clear the bar once or twice in scrimmages.)

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:51 pm

What is going on in your parentheses? There is no high jump in football!

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 2:15 pm

( Aside to the audience: Maudit 'ostie. This is like when the Germans in American uniforms at the Battle of the Bulge got exposed when they didn't know who played shortstop for the Tigers…)

I um, was referring to people who, you know, do the spike the ball over the goalposts thing to celebrate a touchdown.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Well now that I know more than I need to about Quebecois cussin'…

In my northern wanderings, I have found that Canada consists mostly of Scotsmen, Russians, Jamaicans and pre-Cajuns. So how is it possible that your national character is so reasonable?

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm

And Chet would know, being a phys ed teacher and all…

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Alright, funny guy, you're running windsprints 'til you puke!!

DahBoner October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

And I think the 62% should all step down from office, and give the other 38% of Americants a chance….

Crank_Tango October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Wait, Reagan had neantherthal genes, and that's why the called him the Gipper? Suddenly, it all makes sense.

DahBoner October 31, 2011 at 2:24 pm

A Reagan yuppy is a Gipper-Yuppy, or a Guppy…

nounverb911 October 31, 2011 at 1:02 pm

So 62% of 99% divided by 57% equals what exactly?

elviouslyqueer October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

All of them, Katie.

Pragmatist2 October 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm

34.79%

calibrit October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Elitist. Yu an yur so-called "math" skillz git!

FNMA October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm

According to Fox News, 127 percent.

TanzbodenKoenig October 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Statistics libel?

Salacious Crumb October 31, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Hitler?

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Love the photo…W….what a tool.

weejee October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Is Shrub getting ready to give Henry the K a flagadacious do-wrap?

memzilla October 31, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I agree: bring back The Gipper… to the International Hague Tribunal, for prosecution under the War Crimes Act for Iran-Contra. Then make him live in a refrigerator carton under an I-95 overpass.

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I'll get my shovel.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Under I-95…then the homeless could skullfuck him.

chascates October 31, 2011 at 1:04 pm

62% sounds like of low. And the morally fit by definition can't raise money from lobbyists or corporations.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 31, 2011 at 1:04 pm

We need moar electrolytes.
~

Dok-cupy Everything October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

68 percent of Americans say they have read a book in the last month…

And 40% of these people, asked to specify, said "Garfield is a book, right?"

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

The other 28% asked if "Us" magazine was a book.

widestanceshakedown October 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I found 'The Kardashian Manifesto' to be a real page turner.

Andrew Drinker October 31, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Snooki from Jersey Shore is now an author…so there ya go.

Beowoof October 31, 2011 at 8:25 pm

It was a cook book on how to make deep fried pig anus with a corn syrup coating.

privatejoker77 October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

More Taft, damnit! Taft is the answer!

Steverino247 October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I dunno. There was a helluva lot of Taft to begin with.

smitallica October 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Have you ever SEEN Taft? There was already PLENTY of Taft.

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:19 am

If he were alive today, he'd be our first be-scootered president.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Those morons who chose William Henry Harrison were obviously confusing him with Benjamin Harrison.

LesBontemps October 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I think they were confusing him with Harrison Ford.

GOPCrusher October 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm

That pisses me off. The William Henry Harrison Administration was highly underrated.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm

It is true that few politicians manage to make the press honeymoon last their whole stretch in office.

Dok-cupy Everything October 31, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Sort of sad when your Presidential Memorial is inscribed only with "Gesundheit!"

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:20 am

That was so wrong. lol

prommie October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Thank God for this poll. Now I know what I am supposed to think about the things I know nothing about.

Occupy V572 October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Who thinks up an insanely stupid poll idea like that, and then pretends to find the outcome (Dems like FDR and Gopers like Saint Ronnie) interesting? Vanity Fair and CBS? Somethings not right there — VF has some decent articles in amongst the celebrity porn. Whereas CBS hasn't done anything decent since Charles Kuralt retired.

An_Outhouse October 31, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Some legacy kid of some VP of marketing thought it up.

SmutBoffin October 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Hey! Those neanderthal genes got us through ~100,000 years of human prehistory, though I also think that they disqualify me from the Presidency.

We haven't elected a hirsute slope-head since McKinley.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Well I guess you have the wrong Geico spokesman as your avatar.

BigDumbRedDog October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I am 100% unqualified to run for public office, and also at least 50% neanderthal.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

62% of Americans were born in Panama!

DahBoner October 31, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Support the Panamamaian Troops!

LesBontemps October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Zombie Reagan defeats Zombie FDR, in a death match, obvs.

Two zombies enter …?

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

In a walkover.

Lucidamente1 October 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Reagan always wins: he doesn't have a brain for the other one to eat.

Lascauxcaveman October 31, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Speaking of two zombies, my lovely teenage daughter and I were in a Halloween play this weekend. Check out the fierce dentition.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

You are going as the last Republican debate? Excellent Mittens versus Michelle B. costumes!

LesBontemps October 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm

It is plain that neither of you are British, Lascaux.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Ronald Reagan versus Franklin Delano Roosevelt

One beat the Nazis and the Japanese, founded Social Security

The other cut and ran from Lebanon (but did kick Grenada's ass)
~

ManchuCandidate October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

But he fought the Japanese and Germans in Hollywood!! He's a celluloid Hero!

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Yes, but like future President Palin, he quit his post before he could finish the Japs.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Quit?

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Yes, quit. He could have chose not to die.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Morally weak!

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm

One sold arms to Great Britain, the other sold arms to Iran.

Steverino247 October 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm

One sent the Marines to run over the Japanese in the Pacific and the other allowed a Marine to shit on the Constitution and trade arms to Iran.

glamourdammerung October 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

One sent the Marines to run over the Japanese in the Pacific and the other allowed a Marine to shit on the Constitution and trade arms to Iran.

But that was for a good cause. Those nuns were not going to rape themselves and those death squads really needed the money and weapons.

glamourdammerung October 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The other cut and ran from Lebanon

Which is kind of like running from a Corgi. That is missing three legs.

Schmannnity October 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

This just proves that 62% of Americans are incompetent or too poor to buy off or kill witnesses like a really successful politician.

OneYieldRegular October 31, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I read a book last month about the Gipper's Neanderthal genes. Do I get a prize or something?

OccupytheDashboard October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Only if you found the book when you broke into your neighbor's house to steal soiled dildos.

chascates October 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Actually you get to be governor of Arizona.

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Finally, an upgrade.

memzilla October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Say, you know who else wanted to re-animate long-dead right-wing leaders… ?

Callyson October 31, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Walt Disney?

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Allan Folsom?

SorosBot October 31, 2011 at 1:44 pm
GeorgiaBurning October 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Ed Wood?

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Gregory Peck in "The Boys From Brazil"?

GOPCrusher October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm

George Romero?

grex1949 October 31, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Old-school Republicans?

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:31 pm

That frozen head place here in Scottsdale, the one what gots Ted Willims' head?

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:24 am

The Vril Society?

metamarcisf October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Two chicks at the same time.

Ken Layne October 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm

That's no crime, that's a ticket to starring on America's Top Rated Situation Comedy Program.

HogeyeGrex October 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm

With one cup?

Steverino247 October 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

As long as one of them isn't Jack Chick, I'm good.

DahBoner October 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Nah, Jack is too busy sneaking around men's toilets dropping them funny comics behind the tp holder…

OKthennext October 31, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Bucket list?

Lucidamente1 October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

"breaking into the neighbor’s house to steal soiled dildos and Krugerrands": Ken, how did you know my secret?

Ken Layne October 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You know those little cameras built into all the computers and "smart phones"? Well …

Guppy October 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Ken's your neighbor.

Pragmatist2 October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

LIncoln!!!!!
Lincoln didn't make the freaking list!?!?!?!?!
This is conclusive proof that 85% of Americans aren't fit to be Americans.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Reread the article: They were given a list with only five presidents on it. FDR, Gipper, Jefferson, Truman and W.H. Harrison. (The last I suppose is a little joke referring to the fact that he only spent a month in office, a record for brevity.) I've got to think that FDR, Truman and Jefferson were splitting the non-Gipper vote.

VaWyo October 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm

He wouldn't have won because he was against slavery. Without (wage) slaves, how would the 1% make all their money?

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Lincoln can't be on the list. He freed those Afrikans who then elected the Kenyan Mooslim.

RadioOcupados October 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

How about being morally weak, does that take you out of the running?

gullywompr October 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Yes, according to 38%.

fuflans October 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

also, that horrible suzi schmidt that harrassed 911 after beating up her wayward spouse is NOT going to run again.

bye bye suzi. and don't let the door hit you on that very wide ass.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Another victim of thug union liberal smear Democrat party elitist snob politically correct out-of-touch taxes smear thug snob Democrat taxes party smear tactics.

Nostrildamus October 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

The guy who responded we need Willaim Henry Harrison deserves a special award.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shops and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you

prommie October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Well, I was able to give up chasing pussy, but that doesn't mean I can run from it, so, I suppose that puts me in the 62%.

prommie October 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Plus, too, the two chicks thing, that also, as well.

natoslug October 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Wait, the two chicks thing is wrong, or makes you more qualified? As long as your wife is one of them, it's okay, right?

Toomush_Infer October 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm

No, it's only ok if your wife isn't one of them -don't you read "Dear Newtie"?…. conservative etiquette is sooo important…

meatlofer October 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Right out of the recession into WWIII. Yup that would be real fucking good!

Nostrildamus October 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

The article pic is the most perfect summary of 2001-2008 I've ever seen.

GregComlish October 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

This surprises me since virtually nobody, including all of my history teachers, ever once mentioned to me "William Henry Harrison." The only reason I remember him is because of that episode of "Drunk History"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDukCTcITLY

elviouslyqueer October 31, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Wasn't he "the gay one"? Oh wait, sorry, that was James Buchanan.

Dudleydidwrong October 31, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I offered a semester course on "William Henry Harrison: the lost president years" and 12 signed up for it. They really needed a history credit and the other courses were filled. I gave them the assignment to go out at night and, with sticks, beat the bushes for Harrison. I would wait for them in front of the classroom building with a sack and a Coleman lantern and would snag him when they found him. Night after night I waited but no Harrison showed up.

Oh, wait. That was a snipe hunt. Just forget about it…

fuflans October 31, 2011 at 1:13 pm

our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic.

i don't know, i think all those fetuses in a jar would have delighted him.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm

And Obama would have made a great Hamlet, if instead of killing Claudius Hamlet wanted to work out a mutually acceptable arrangement.

SoBeach October 31, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I don't believe 36% of Americans even recognize the names Reagan and Roosevelt. They just picked one of the names from the list that was read to them. If there had been a completely made up president's name on the list it would probably get 25% or more.

Generation[redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:28 pm

36% or respondents waiting for their flight at DCA said…

RadioOcupados October 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Too bad being drunk, stupid and effeminate doesn't disqualify people from being Gov. of Texas.

DahBoner October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

He can't hear you over the sound of his quiche at the Dallas North Park mall Magic Pan

Generation[redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Drunk, stupid, and President is no way to go through life.

LiveToServeYa October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Yes, but they are qualified to be the Power Behind the Throne, which, by definition, is some sort of Royal Ballcock.

LesBontemps October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Public Enemy was on the right track, but the correct answer is "It Takes A Nation Of Morons To Hold Us Back."

proudgrampa October 31, 2011 at 1:19 pm

"From vehicular manslaughter to the operation of international narcotics cartels, draft evasion to killing a million people for being born “with the Arab gene,” gross dalliances with moon-faced interns to lifetimes of systemic fraud, our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic."

I guess my arrest for graffiti and a speeding ticket just wouldn't match the qualifications listed above.

Lascauxcaveman October 31, 2011 at 1:19 pm

and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

hollywooddood October 31, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Bring back the Gipper? Okay, but he probably looks like shit.

Goonemeritus October 31, 2011 at 1:20 pm

As much as I like Jefferson I think he might be a little flummoxed with today’s problems not to mention the lack of sexy time with slaves. FDR on the other hand would feel right at home almost as if nothing had changed.

HogeyeGrex October 31, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Reagan, on the other hand, would be demonized as a Communist by the Movement Conservatives wishing him back if he were to govern anything like he did in the 80s.

fuflans October 31, 2011 at 1:20 pm

women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%).

weird. i am very pround of my tawdry whorish life.

Generation[redacted] October 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm

We are the 32% and 42%, respectively.

grandinquisitor October 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Seriously, it is the only thing I am successful at.

SayItWithWookies October 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I am only ashamed that my life hasn't been nearly as tawdry and whorish recently as I would've liked.

SorosBot October 31, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Or just wish that we'd have had the opportunity to be tawdry and whorish in our lives.

HogeyeGrex October 31, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Shame, hell. I live in hope.

hagajim October 31, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Then you are in luck…isn't the Kenyan the changey hopey one…I hope you can go forth and be tawdry and whoreish!

Callyson October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm

"When you consider some of the decisions you've made in the past that might come to life, do you think you could run for public office?"
If only some of the current members of Congress had asked themselves that question…

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm

If only some of the current members of Congress had asked themselves that question…

Lots of job postings if they ALL asked themselves that question.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I knew that stealing the street sign at the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg when I was a teenager would come back to haunt me.

Limeylizzie October 31, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Is that Seabiscuit, seated next to Henry Kissinger?

LesBontemps October 31, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Survey says, "Yes."

prommie October 31, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I didn't know Seabiscuit was a Windsor.

Limeylizzie October 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Too much chin there for a Windsor.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm
Limeylizzie October 31, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Fantastique!

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:31 am

I'm laughing so hard my neck muscles hurt. lol

Ah, yes. The Dutchess of Cornball.

OccupytheDashboard October 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Neigh-h-h-h!

Limeylizzie October 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Whoa there, I was just saying.

OccupytheDashboard October 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I bet her husband/boyfriend thinks foreplay probably means yelling "Giddyup!!!"

SayItWithWookies October 31, 2011 at 1:23 pm

I don't think most of the respondents of that survey know what "morally" means — I'd consider myself unfit in some regards for public office, but that's because as a very liberal atheist humanist pro-pot-legalization unmarried cheap-ass unmaterialistic procrastinatic slob who drives a beat-up older car and doesn't like to dress up, I'd be a public relations nightmare. Which is probably what most Americans also mean when they say they'd be morally unfit. Which confusion between morals and public image is far more distressing than any other data gleaned from this poll.

chascates October 31, 2011 at 1:42 pm

You sound like my ideal candidate and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Mumbletypeg October 31, 2011 at 4:37 pm

procrastinatic

Haha, then maybe I did see you at the downtown Occupy's general assembly last night, arriving like 15 minutes after they had started? None of the rest of what you said would fit anyone's profile there, I don't think, none at all!

atheist

oh, wait..

SayItWithWookies October 31, 2011 at 4:56 pm

No, that wasn't me — I was busy with personal stuff, though I was surprised to hear this morning about the raid. For a while it seemed that the city was going to be a little more accommodating.

Too bad I didn't get to have the gospel shared with me — I've been itching for a good theological discussion, or whatever they're calling it these days.

Mumbletypeg October 31, 2011 at 5:10 pm

That was what I found funny — that the commenter took time to share his intentions — I don't suppose there's anything stopping a proselytizer from pursuing potential converts no matter how many times a group relocates, why should he think he's only confined to bible-thump at the plaza?

Not so funny: that the RVA Ocupados were sent packing as rudely and with minimal time allowance as they were. It wasn't unexpected, but last evening one or 2 speakers speculated a low turnout for tonight's GA. I bet they'll see a boost instead.

SayItWithWookies October 31, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I figured the subtext was that the occupiers are so unhappy because they haven't found Jesus, and if only their souls were saved they'd realize that everything is just peachy. Like nobody in the capital of the South ever gets to hear about the wonder and majesty of the fuckin' savior.

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:44 pm

You had me at "unmaterialistic procrastinatic slob ".

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:32 am

You're adorable. How hopeful of you to believe that's what most Americans also mean.

CrunchyKnee October 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Young Babs is looking at her pops and thinking "holy shit, at least I'm getting a boatload of ill gotten monies from that freak."

DaRooster October 31, 2011 at 1:27 pm

"Thirty-eight percent of those polled don’t believe they or anybody else still have any Neanderthal genes, rejecting a recent study saying due to interbreeding tens of thousands of years ago, many humans today carry some Neanderthal genes in their DNA."
Tens of thousands of years?? That would be how long before Jesus was at the dinosaur rodeo?

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…6 – 8 weeks/10 at the most.

DaRooster October 31, 2011 at 1:30 pm

"Because of “slutty Halloween costumes,” women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%)…"

That's only because the guys wives were standing there all,"Who is it!?"… otherwise this would read "0% of men" and most would be trying to pick up on the interviewer.

OccupytheDashboard October 31, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Makes sense…after all, 50% of the people in this country are of below average intelligence. And, 10% of those hold elected office. Mark my words…one day the presidential limousine will be replaced with a short bus.

HogeyeGrex October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm

January 20, 2001

SorosBot October 31, 2011 at 2:13 pm

And on January 20, 1981 as well.

El Pinche October 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Rightwingers call Barry a commie kenyan elitist, but take a look at that photo of Dubya. Doesn't that bring back bad memories??? Holy shit, that asshole was a soulless drunken cokehead moron who probably frequently forgot to wipe his own ass. From 2001-2008, God damned America with that retard.

chascates October 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Doesn't the video from that event show him yelling and falling down? Maybe dry drunks have alcohol flashbacks.

El Pinche October 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I believe so. Thinking of POTUS Perry, the dumber effeminate (probably his best trait) version of Bush, makes my blood curdle.

barto October 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I think it's safe to say that if you can think of any gross/inhumane/criminal/perverse/unjust/hypocritical/mendacious act, there is at least one elected politician performing that very act RIGHT NOW. C'mon America, run for office!

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Geppetto Corrigan or GTFO!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9CE8AJn-UI

Native_of_SL_UT October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I would be disqualified for public office because..
Of all the shit I have posted on this site, mostly.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 2:05 pm

But you say right in your profile that your statements aren't intended to be factual. Isn't that a get-out-of-scandal free card?

Hahaha, just kidding. Of course that only works for Republicans.

SorosBot October 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Well I for one know that my past would preclude me from running for public office, because I am an unapologetic atheist which over 60% of the American people, being dumbasses, will never vote for.

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

Despite not regularly attending church, unable to quote a handful of scriptures from the Bible if a gun was put to them, most probably doubting the existence of god regularly, and living most of their lives as if there were no god. In other words, you'd be disqualified for not being a rank, philosophical hypocrite.

neiltheblaze October 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Let's see – I smoke pot, I'm an atheist, and I like showing men a fun time. Unfortunately, I'm also a liberal – otherwise I could run for President as a Republican. I mean – fuck it – everybody else is.

BklynIlluminati October 31, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Raises hand slowly……Yeah i'm 62% Don't judge me!

smitallica October 31, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Yes, let's bring back the hack actor who somehow raised taxes AND debt, sold arms to our enemies to fund right-wing death squads, consulted his wife's astronomer for foreign policy advice, and spent most of his second term asleep or forgetting what he was awake for.

The American people are fucking idiots.

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:51 pm

and spent most of his second term asleep or forgetting what he was awake for.

That was AFTER he was re-elected. Boggles the mind.

Antispandex October 31, 2011 at 2:00 pm

This just in; Republican scientists today announced that they now believe there is at least a 50% chance that the earth does indeed revolve around the sun, and people should no longer be burned at the stake for saying otherwise.

Toomush_Infer October 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I'm in a bind: my moral past only allows me to run as a Republican…. damn…..

Scottsdalian October 31, 2011 at 10:52 pm

You could be an ineffective republican!

Steverino247 October 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Neaderthal genes. Hmm, what we don't know is which way those genes were passed. If they were exclusively passed from aggressive Neaderthal males to victimized Homo Sapiens females it would explain a helluva lot.

Including that picture of the dork with the flag…

Guppy October 31, 2011 at 2:04 pm

62% of the people who don't mind wasting their own free time so that some asshat pollsters can make some cash by monetizing people through annoying phone calls.

Anyway… yeah, I don't see my commenting history here being all that helpful to any future political ambitions.

ttommyunger October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Weak piss, Wonketeers. At 70+, my PRESENT would disqualify me for the top job. My past, if fully proven, would put me in prison for life, if I were lucky.

owhatever October 31, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Caller: Hello, this is Madeline, calling for a Vanity Fair survey …
Me: click.

prommie October 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Today, 62% of us are Herman Cain.

gurukalehuru October 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm

68% of Americans say they have read a book in the past month. Fucking liars.

Chichikovovich October 31, 2011 at 2:17 pm

They get that far? Don't you know that the answering machine is the greatest contribution to human contentment since the remote-controlled dildo?

jus_wonderin October 31, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Thus, leaving more time to curl up with the latest issue of Tranny Hunters.

Eve8Apples October 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Are these the 62% of Americans who are now making a living selling drugs and making porn?

jus_wonderin October 31, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I should have known. That time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Wrong move I guess.

Fawkdifiknow October 31, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Nothing in that polling can tell you more than that Herb Cain is favored for the Republican nomination by 25% of Republican primary voters.

And 99% of Democratic voters.

ndisang67 October 31, 2011 at 4:03 pm

give me Dubya anyday…

crybabyboehner October 31, 2011 at 5:46 pm

What is "dinnertime" ?

deanbooth October 31, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It's odd how being Neanderthal doesn't disqualify you for political office, but being Homo Erectus does.

Redhead October 31, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Yes, but 100% of Repugnicant candidates are morally unfit for US politics

Come here a minute October 31, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%).

Women need to learn the term "youthful indiscretion".

Also, a broad (ha ha) interpretation of the term "youthful".

Beowoof October 31, 2011 at 8:18 pm

All that hash I smoked in high school/college would disqualify me. However, when I think about it, I wouldn't want those losers who never tried any weed running the government. Uptight, weird and all Jeebused up all the time is frightening.

unclejeems October 31, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Tippecanoe and Gipper, too!

Negropolis November 1, 2011 at 12:10 am

There was a marked difference between Republicans and Democrats, with the latter picking FDR (43 percent) and the former going for the Gipper (68 percent). Thomas Jefferson came in third place with 14 percent from a list of five past presidents that also includes Harry Truman (8 percent) and William Henry Harrison (1 percent).

Honestly, save for one of them, what horrible choices. Americans have fucking pitiful tastes in historic politicians. But, William Henry Harrison? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a twisted conservative-libertarian joke, right?

awwalk56 November 1, 2011 at 6:00 am

I was a whore-monger, a one day a week drunk. A local favorite on the one day a week whore-monger drunk circuit. I never lied, cheated or stole (except during my whore-monger one day a week drunks). My biggest crime my fellow Meracans, in my youth on one of my whore-monger one day a week drunk Fridays I hung a five foot cardboard penis on a Marlboro man sign. I have since atoned for my sins, I am now ready for prime time. A.W.Walker for President 2012!

dennis1943 November 1, 2011 at 10:50 am

Bring back the Gipper ? America……..always style before substance………

LetUsBray October 31, 2011 at 1:22 pm

That, and whether people would like to have a beer with you.

GOPCrusher October 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Worked out well for Dale Peterson.

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Well, I'm scared of horses, but I'm a very fun drunk.

Chet Kincaid October 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

W, is that you?

Terry October 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm

How are you at clearin' brush?

Mumbletypeg October 31, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Meh – probably just a Jehovah's Witness or a Mormon who's trying to make quota.

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