America’s elected officials range from rat-eyed sheriff bullies who mercilessly persecute the various racial minorities to the president, who constantly murders people all over the world and shovels billions of dollars to Wall Street. And yet, a new survey proves that 62% of Americans “say their past would preclude them from running for public office.” Is the entire country made up of necrophiliac pedophiles? No, just 62%. But how do they feel about mail delivery, book readin’, William Henry Harrison, free wi-fi at the coffee shop and the preponderance of Neanderthal genes in modern humans? Thanks to the monthly inane treasure known as the Vanity Fair/CBS News survey of people dumb enough to answer the phone at dinnertime, we now have the answers to these important societal questions.
Starting with our recent elected (and unelected) presidents, first ladies and current “front runners,” America’s top political leaders have all been guilty of a shocking array of crimes. From vehicular manslaughter to the operation of international narcotics cartels, draft evasion to killing a million people for being born “with the Arab gene,” gross dalliances with moon-faced interns to lifetimes of systemic fraud, our “first families” are so sodden with evil that Shakespeare would’ve dismissed them all as unrealistic.
And yet, the vast majority of “regular Americans” with their petty crimes of smoking dope and not coming to a complete stop at the four-way intersection and breaking into the neighbor’s house to steal soiled dildos and Krugerrands, feels their collective past is just too dirty to run for office. Because of “slutty Halloween costumes,” women are more likely (68%) to live in shame of their tawdry whorish lives than men (58%), whose secret crimes are somewhat limited by ugliness, odor and stupidity. (Men make up for this with their constant violent rage against children, wives and pets.)
Bring back the Gipper, say 36 percent of Americans who chose Ronald Reagan over Franklin Delano Roosevelt (29 percent) when asked which past president they would want in the White House in these trying times. There was a marked difference between Republicans and Democrats, with the latter picking FDR (43 percent) and the former going for the Gipper (68 percent). Thomas Jefferson came in third place with 14 percent from a list of five past presidents that also includes Harry Truman (8 percent) and William Henry Harrison (1 percent).
Elsewhere in the survey: 68 percent of Americans say they have read a book in the last month, the same percentage that believe the Postal Service should operate at least five days a week. Thirty-eight percent of those polled don’t believe they or anybody else still have any Neanderthal genes, rejecting a recent study saying due to interbreeding tens of thousands of years ago, many humans today carry some Neanderthal genes in their DNA.
Everything about this survey is perfect. [Vanity Fair]