the know-nothings

Herman Cain Also Horrible For Taking Tons of Illegal Campaign Cash

Cancer for sale!Sorry, friends, the Internet is cold binging on reports of Herman Cain’s rank corrupt awfulness today, including this one that probably would have been higher up the list if it weren’t for the fact that it lacks TEH SEXXX but is no less terrible: Herman Cain’s cancer shilling goon squad captain Mark Block started a short-lived shell corporation “Prosperity USA” to funnel $40,000 to Cain’s campaign early this year for fancy pants iPads and private jet trips, which the campaign then promptly “forgot” to report to the FEC, because it’s crazy illegal. Given how monumentally difficult it is to violate post-Citizens United federal election laws permitting unlimited corporate donations these days, it’s pretty top-notch stupidity!

Here’s the thing about Mark Block: he’s a serially corrupt Kochsucker virus who was banned from Wisconsin politics for election fraud, which in America means “promote him, immediately” to running a presidential campaign famous only for being entertaining in its ridiculousness. But who knows why Mark Block thought “no one would notice” if he just started making things up about the monies? It’s probably a common confusion for a two-bit political operative clown who just knows that shadowy corporate dollar$ go invisible after your candidate gets elected but is not smart enough to realize how the timeline works.

The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reports:

It is not known if Cain’s election fund eventually paid back Prosperity USA, which now appears defunct. The candidate’s federal election filings make no mention of the debt, and the figures in the documents don’t match payments made by the candidate’s campaign.

Election law experts say the transactions raise a host of questions for the private organization, which billed itself as a tax-exempt nonprofit, and the Cain team.

“If the records accurately reflect what occurred, this is way out of bounds,” said a Washington, D.C.-based election lawyer who advises many Republican candidates and conservative groups on campaign issues. The lawyer asked not to be identified because of those affiliations.

Herman Cain’s response to all of this was a standard “I have no clue about anything,” like a full-blooded American. Herman Cain/Ignorance 2012! [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel via TPM]

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Excuse me? Every *good* pizza joint?

      You know of any *good* pizza joints this guy is connected with?

      1. SorosBot

        And anyway, that's not true; the good pizza joints are usually legit, it's the bad ones that are fronts, the places that stay open year after year with almost no customers as they make sure the owners' cash is neat and sparkly clean.

  1. SorosBot

    Now I think a certain half-term governor taught all the other Republican grifters that election finance and spending laws are just suggestions, there's no need to follow them.

    1. memzilla

      If your only intent is to use running for political office as an excuse to grift, it doesn't matter.

      Unfortunately, stocking the vacuous scribblings of Palin, Limbaugh, Coulter, O'Reilly et al. is what killed off Borders bookstores. They might have been able to survive if they had been able to afford the technology to buy bookshelves which doubled as automatic pulping machines, but they couldn't get the VC funding.

    2. An_Outhouse

      O'Donnell is still walkin' the streets so campaign finance rules must have no real consequences.

        1. SorosBot

          Tonight she'll be dressed up and going for another bar hookup that doesn't technically involve intercourse so she can still claim to be a virgin.

      1. HogeyeGrex

        My first thought upon reading

        “If the records accurately reflect what occurred, this is way out of bounds,”


        And yet nobody is going to sweat a drop over it, much less be sent to the stripey hole as they ought.

  2. edgydrifter

    I'm sure Mark Block fancies himself a modern Machiavelli, except he probably also thinks Machiavelli is a fancy brand of Italian lady-shoes.

  3. McRibzgood

    Man this election cycle is just getting worse and worse for the Republicans. Shelly, Sarah, Mittins, Ricky, Ricky Tex-ass…. Maybe they should just run The Inanimate Carbon Rod.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Cain entered the race with a built-in self-destruct button that only his handlers knew about.

      Someone's finger hit the button: “Self-destruct in 30 seconds.”

    1. prommie

      The man the liberal media tried to frame
      for pinching asses, he never grabbed
      But one time he coulda been, the leader, of the free world

  4. Oblios_Cap

    Cigarettes are expensive and the cocaine costs even more. Have you seen the size of Cain's honker?

  5. coolhandnuke

    The Smoking Man did a Cock Block to protect Cain's money from falling in the hands of future sexually harassed campaign workers.

  6. horsedreamer_1

    Worry not, Cain & Block — Dave Umhoefer & Tom Kertcher shall ride in to slay the Bice that defames.


  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mark Block: he’s a serially corrupt Kochsucker virus who was banned from Wisconsin politics for election fraud

    Clearly a liberal trick. As we all know that voter fraud only occurs when poor people or minorities vote for Democrats.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is smart on the part of Block, as money to pay off sexual harassment claims doesn't grow on trees, you know.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "It is not known if Cain’s election fund eventually paid back Prosperity USA,"

    Oooh, ooh, let me guess!

    1. memzilla

      The first rule is to not take any legal advice from campaign advisers who got their JDs from Regent's ACME™ University.

  10. Guppy

    This shit is too coordinated to not be a hatchet job.

    It's also too coordinated for Democrats to actually pull off.

    1. YouBetcha

      GOP couldn't run the risk of a blackie being on the ticket. It was cute for a while, but it was never meant to go this far.

      Oh, no. I've said too much.

    2. Not_So_Much

      Oh yeah, this is GOP efficiency for sure. Dems probably had this a while ago, but put the original through a shredder when trying to make copies.

    3. Barrelhse

      The Demoncrats have been grooming him for this since his birth in Nigeria in 1960. It's all a plan to put a GOP candidate in place who will self-destruct. Very, very clever.

  11. freakishlywrong

    It appears as though this assclown's "mine-mine-mine" plan is about to hit a wall. Preferably an electrified wall.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    It is not known if Cain’s election fund eventually paid back Prosperity USA, which now appears defunct.

    Defunct, you say. Probably just layin' low with the Mysterious Romney Donor Phantom that also had a penchant for vanishing into thin air.

  13. user-of-owls

    how monumentally difficult it is to violate post-Citizens United federal election laws

    Herman Cain: The Hardest Working Crook in America.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Herman's staff used the money to buy lots of "Meat Lovers Specials". I'll bet they just love them some pepperonies.

        1. jus_wonderin

          Tyynnnnny, tyyynnnnny, tyyynnnnny, waaaaah, waaah, wahwah,tyynnnnny, tyyynnnnny, tyyynnnnny, waaaaah, waaah, wahwah,dunah, dunah, dunah. Ryincnee, ryincnee.

          Duhda, duhda, duhdak, do……..

  15. ttommyunger

    Cain and Block: the perfect salt and pepper comedy team. Cain-"I wanna fuck that one!" Block-"Out of what?" This shit writes itself. Hee, hee, I kill myself….

  16. prommie

    Well, if today's coordinated character assasination attempt doesn't work, they're just going to have to switch to plan B and use real bullets.

  17. EatsBabyDingos

    I love the photo still from the ad. I put a little thought bubble over it that says "My fingers smell like someone's butthole. How mysterious."

  18. PuckStopsHere

    In an era in which effectively there are no campaign laws, leave it to a republican to find a way to violate them.

  19. Generation[redacted]

    He doesn't have to change the title of his memoir, but he will need a second edition with a new final chapter/epilogue: "After a long wait in line, I took a guided tour of the West Wing, and my road to the White House is complete."

  20. Spurning Beer

    Okay, so Herman harasses-up a couple of women, and even being the big boss couldn't erase it. Now he manages to violate even the flimsy pretext for election contribution laws in America today.

    Any guesses about what stroke of criminal genius will be exposed in the next news cycle?

    I'm guessing food safety violations or labeling violations. Like those meatballs on the pizzas were really horsemeat or cat.

    1. user-of-owls

      those meatballs on the pizzas were really horsemeat or cat.

      Doubt this will cause much of a ruckus since using those ingredients would actually improve the quality of Herman's pies.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, he's kind of running out of regular crimes here. He may want to get some Batman DVDs to see what The Joker or The Penguin would do next.

    3. pdiddycornchips

      Cain will knock this shit off the news tomorrow by announcing he's engaged to Kim Kardashian.

  21. Preacher_Griz

    Conservative Christians voters will forgive truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain of all transgressions because he is ONE OF US and WE ARE NOT RACISTS……

    However, if we catch him using a teleprompter, all bets are off.

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    "I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and DIE?"

  23. Antispandex

    "Here’s the thing about Mark Block: he’s a serially corrupt Kochsucker virus who was banned from Wisconsin politics for election fraud"

    Another example of the left not understanding that;
    1.) Everyone does it.
    2.) He's no different than the rest, he just got caught.
    3.) The Lame Stream Media is making more of this than all of that stuff Barry probably, maybe, is alleged to have done.
    4.) OK, sure he's is a prick…but he's THEIR prick!

    1. user-of-owls

      The very best part is the "demand" that all NEA funding be eliminating.

      Even Laurie Anderson couldn't top that.

  24. samsuncle

    All the commenters on the winger sites are blaming Cains's sexcapades as liberal lies. Now, I guess this latest cockup will be blamed on Cain's unnamed liberal accountant.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        Yeah, I'm figuring the Perry sex scandal for a Blowvember type of deal. Very wide stance, too.

  25. DonnyKerabotsos

    When these poor women are finally dragged into the light, I'm guessing that they turn out to be what we might politely describe as chubby.

    1. gurukalehuru

      Well, I don't know about stats, but anecdotal evidence of the black guy/chubby blonde gal stereotype is not hard to find. Clarence and Ginnie Thomas spring to mind.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Given that two womenfolk were involved with the charges against ol' sugarCain, I'd say he was working on making the number not 9 9 9 but 696. Does Godfather's Pissa make sandwiches?

    1. comrad_darkness

      I'd think he'd be more clever than that and drop the rumor that he's fathered *white* children.

  26. DahBoner

    Smoking makes you forget.

    That's why French men all smoke after sex.

    Because the French girls are lousy in bed and they are trying to forget…

  27. seppdecker

    By the way Bloch shakes his head and sucks on that cancer stick, I like to think that he knows he has been busted to the Siberia of the GOP. The fact that his flea-brained charge has shot to the front of the polls only makes the joke all the better, for us.

  28. io9k9s

    cain presents circular defense ("This is not an FEC violation because your facts are wrong") in 3..2..1

  29. MrFizzy

    Maybe he can get Colin Powell to be his front man. That seems to make the lying go a little smoother.

    1. Come here a minute

      Less than a teaspoon of sexual harrassment allegations, a little bit, about this amount — this is just about the amount of a teaspoon — less than a teaspoon full of sexual harrassment allegations in an envelope shutdown the United States Senate in the winter of 1999.

  30. Fawkdifiknow

    The hush money for his sexual harassment victims has to come from somewhere, so give the guy a break.

  31. Pragmatist2

    We really, really, really need for there to be a report that Mitt Romney has 4 wives. A boyfriend, too, if that's possible.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Shit, I'd settle for a report that Rick Santorum has 4 boyfriends. And is a Santeria high priest. And performs in drag under the name "Iona Smalkok."

      1. jus_wonderin

        Using the standard Drag Queen naming convention where you use your first pets name (Iona) and your Mother's maiden name (Smalkok) we can see deeper into this decision to pick this name. And his mother is a Smalkok. From the original Smalkok stock who hail from Coudersport, PA.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Dammit. I always miss the annual blossoming of the Turds. I hope I am not busy when they begin to turn in fascinating fall color.

    1. weejee

      Will Moroni's boney get Mittens in trouble? Unless something drops real soon, he'll have missed this year's Cocktober surprise. But such tenth month flashes and public spankings are always more special in years that are 'evenly divisible' by four.

  32. chascates

    The right won't stand for this 'high tech lynching':
    The richest irony here is that the same media that refused to cover evidence of an alleged rape by a state Attorney General who became President now are running stories based on unnamed sources, about offenses that aren’t a fraction as grave. But one was a liberal Democrat, the other a conservative Republican — hence the double standard.

    1. MissTaken

      "In the eyes of the liberal media, Herman Cain is just another uppity black American who has had the audacity to leave the liberal plantation"

      That's just precious!

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Note: Herman Cain is both the former National Chairman for the Media Research Center's Business & Media Institute, and a personal friend of Brent Bozell.

      So, no conflict of interest here. Move along, nothing to see.

    3. Generation[redacted]

      "refused to cover evidence of an alleged rape"

      Geez, why do they have to drag Glenn Beck into this? 1993 was a long time ago.

    4. user-of-owls

      Attorney General??

      Referring to former governor Clinton as "a state Attorney General who became President is sort of like calling Obama, "a high school student who became President."

  33. Callyson

    Prosperity USA also paid as much as $100,000 to the Congress of Racial Equality, a conservative black organization, shortly before Cain was a featured speaker at the group's annual Martin Luther King Jr. dinner in mid-January.
    Looks like those solid business management skills are paying off…for CORE at least…

    1. proudgrampa

      This gotta be a fake story. San Francisco is NEVER warm enough to go nude dining or nude anything.

      Falsely attributed to Mark Twain: "The coldest winter i ever spent was summer in San Francisco."

  34. user-of-owls

    I am SO angry! This is nothing more than a high-tech reporting on egregious violations of FEC campaign filing regulations!

  35. chascates

    And now famous civil rights advocate Rush Limbaugh weighs in:
    Limbaugh pronounced himself deeply offended by the piece, saying that it trafficked in the "ugliest racial stereotypes" and was an example of deep liberal media bias.
    "This is gutter partisan politics, and it's the politics of minority conservative personal destruction," he said. "…It really is about blacks and Hispanics getting too uppity."

  36. DahBoner

    "Herman Cain claims 'witch hunt,' sings gospel song…"

    Now that's just a typo.

    He said BITCH HUNT, as in, I'm gonna hunt down that bitch that talked and…

    The second typo was that he "sings"…

  37. Chichikovovich

    Guys, calm down. I've read the piece a couple of times and I haven't seen anything that could possibly hurt Cain with Republicans. No health insurance to poor, sick kids. No commuting to life imprisonment the sentence of a death row inmate who didn't seem obviously guilty. Never says that gays deserve the same resources to form stable loving relationships as straights do. Never says that the idea of a conspiracy to impose Sharia law on Lubbock, Texas is preposterous. Never called Rush Limbaugh a gasbag.

    Just a lot of financial chicanery, evidence of corruption and harassment of women. The last Republican to bite the sand for this sort of thing was Warren G. Harding.

    It's sad, but maybe we'll look back on this as the first evidence that Turdblossom has lost his fastball. He still has perfect technique, of course. (Witness releasing all this stuff on a Monday morning, unlike the Democrats, who would release it on Superbowl Sunday.) But a bit of the magic has gone….

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Its All Hallow's Eve, dipshits. Am I the only Xian around here? I am? Sweet Jesus, I should have known that.

        1. berkeleyfarm

          I don't know about your church, but my church doesn't keep this particular Vigil day.

          (Next services – tomorrow at noon for All Saints, and a big evening bells-and-smells blowout for All Souls. The choir is singing the Faure Requiem, accompanied by a chamber orchestra.)

          Now I gotta check with my RC SIL about what days she's supposed to show up at church. For the rest of you …happy half-price chocolate day tomorrow.

  38. Tommy1733

    OK, then we have another possible culprit who may have "leaked" the sexual harassment story – Cain's team itself, who wanted to create a media distraction from the really damning news item. Just a possibility. Other possible culprits include Karl Rove (who is not backing Cain), and the possibility that the sex story is just true. We cannot really know which one is correct.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I like the Rove theory. Reminds me of Luther Wallace in Jim Lehrer's most recent One Eyed Mack novel.

  39. DahBoner

    "Why don't we care whether Jessica Simpson is pregnant?;"

    Because they haven't released the conception video yet and Americans are bad at using their imaginations…

    Well, duh!!!

  40. DustBowlBlues

    Cain answered the charges just the way he debates: It's just mangoes and bananas. Or apricots and kiwis or crabapples and pineapples.

    As an aside, Kristen, you have reached the top of the Swiss Alps in the laugh-out-loud snarky quality of your writing. The hilarity is matched only by the viciously dismissive tone you have perfected for the enjoyment of the wonkeratti.

    Exhibit A: "It’s probably a common confusion for a two-bit political operative clown who just knows that shadowy corporate dollar$ go invisible after your candidate gets elected but is not smart enough to realize how the timeline works."

    By the way, if you now have the phrase "mangoes and bananas" going through your head and wonder where you heard it, that must mean you're a musical theater lover. "We got mangoes and bananas we can pick right off a tree" is a line from a song in South Pacific. Wait–you're not a fan? Oh, well. As you were, wonkers.

  41. carlgt1

    "Godfather's Pizza Drivers Carry Less Than $1 Million Cash"

    also has anyone else come up with "Koch-Block provides new Cain smoking gun!"

  42. finallyhappy

    Ok, almost time for kids to ring the doorbell- I better eat a few more fun size snickers before they get them all

  43. grex1949

    The Nightly News is all about Cain and Perry tonight. Nice to see the mainstream press paying some attention.

  44. Redhead

    So Cain has no idea how to run a campaign and apparently didn't plan to actually still be in the race at this point? Well golly gee, I had no idea.

  45. donner_froh

    Mark Block: he’s a serially corrupt Kochsucker virus who was banned from Wisconsin politics for election fraud,

    I had no idea that Mark Block was a member of the New Black Panthers.

  46. comrad_darkness

    I can understand his confusion. Misused slush funds worked for Lieberman. You ever see him investigated?

  47. Sparky_McGruff


    And what's the point of being the guy at the top if you can't take all the credit and kick all the blame down.

  48. Chichikovovich

    Cain still has more work to do before he can master the presentation that W used again and again til it was honed to perfection: "The buck stops here, and I take full responsibility. But it's all other people's fault."

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