flotus files

Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween

That's MRS. Flotus to you...The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, “the holidays” usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad parents kill each other over whatever Furby the kids are freaking out about these days. But since the Obamas are secret Muslim devil-worshippers (ha ha, no one knows the difference between these two things) their holiday season is Halloween. Tensions are running high in the Obama household tonight as our FLOTUS’ desire to put America on a diet has been threatened by that other Obama, who is desperately trying to get anyone, literally anyone, to like him, at the expense of his wife’s anti-obesity initiative.

Our FLOTUS, dressed in orange and black for some reason, invited children of military families to visit the White House on Saturday for some early Halloween “fun.”

And yes, the sweets included signature boxes of White House M&Ms, signaling a temporary respite from the first lady’s healthy eating campaign. Dried fruit and White House baked cookies rounded out the handouts.

She got her “dried fruit” in there, but how could Michelle Obama break her promise to keep candy away from all of America’s children no matter what? Where were the paper bags of radishes and basil from the famous, soon to be immortalized White House garden? Only Junk Food Obama could be behind such a scandal.

President Obama is proud of first lady Michelle Obama’s healthy eating project and all that — but he doesn’t want her to get carried away at Halloween.

“She’s been giving, for the last few years, kids fruit and raisins in a bag,” Obama told talk show host Jay Leno last night to the knowing groans of The Tonight Show audience.

“And I said, ‘The White House is going to get egged,'” Obama said. “‘You need to throw some candy in there.’

“‘A couple Reese’s Pieces or something.'”

That’s real classy, Barry, going on the disgusting Jay Leno show to complain about your wife’s eating habits. And come on, no one eats Reese’s Pieces except for the E.T. and maybe John Boehner (the orange color is not natural). Hang in there, Michelle, we will come trick-or-treating for a bag of raisins any day. [WaPo/USAToday]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke
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      1. Barb

        Let's see, MusliM begins and ends with an "M" M&M. The ampersand "&" symbol must stand for "usli" I should be in the CIA or something.

  1. FakaktaSouth

    I would absolutely take ANYTHING that woman gave me. Just whatever. My love knows no bounds. Her arms are the handles to my Grecian Urn.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yes, but she's being very naughty in taking all the fun out of Halloween.

      I think a suitable punishment for her would be to spend the night hand-feeding me a bag of warm, "Fun-Size" Snickers bars.

      To get in the proper Halloween mood, I think one of those classic little French maid outfits would be appropriate. Or naughty librarian; either one.

    1. SexySmurf

      I think Barack should dress up as something completely out of the ordinary and that would make him unrecognizable. You know, like a Democrat.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Handing out Splinters of the True Cross for Halloween – bringing back the old favorites. And practical too – the kids can set up a shrine and sell photographs to pilgrims.

    2. not that Dewey

      The Catholic Church (oh, and the Episcopalians, Methodists, and Presbyterians, too, I suppose) should rebrand Communion with this awesome concept, see how many kids sign up.

  2. McRibzgood

    Michelle Obama would be that person that gives away tooth brushes! Libural commie!!!!! Show us the long form dental floss!!!

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      Clarence Thomas hands out creepy dental floss-it's black, kinda kinked up, and only about an inch long.

  3. Dok-cupy Everything

    There's something horribly outrageous and socialist about this, just give me FoxNews a few minutes to figure out what it is.

  4. Terry

    "“And I said, ‘The White House is going to get egged,’” Obama said. “‘You need to throw some candy in there.’"

    One egg would be thrown, then the snipers on the roof of the White House would put a stop to it.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Under the Obama administration, that egg would be blasted halfway to the White House – Semper Fie!…

  5. freakishlywrong

    It's amazing how much those kids hate the Obamas. They recoil in horror. Hopey should have worn a Gingrich mask and really scared the shit outta them.

  6. Cracky Johnson

    Are Reese's Pieces not universally beloved? When did this happen?

    Now candy corns… they can fuck off and die!

    1. McRibzgood

      My nephew once ate a whole shit load of candy corns. So many he puked. It was the nastiest thing I ever saw, and I've been to Taiwan.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          That Taiwan bit, that is the sign of well-crafted snark from the hands of a master of the form.

    2. Gunner Asch

      C'mon now, don't be hating on candy corn. Maybe you haven't tried them when they are at their best – at least a year after manufacture. (Not kidding, I really like 'em crunchy.)

    3. proudgrampa

      No. Reese's are not universally beloved. Chocolate and peanut butter should never be eaten together.

      Some things are just meant to be eaten separately. Would you put steak and apple cobbler on the same plate? My point exactly.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Oh grow up, 21st century generation of whiners! In MY day, yes, we got an occasional box of raisins with the treats we trick'd out for. And we didn't have a big hairy cow about it. We just set those aside and got down to the good stuff in its fake-chocolate-coated goodness.

    (Actually, I could gloat cause my grandmother saved this one occasion per year to serve up homemade chocolate doughnuts-on-a-lollipop-stick among other desserts set out on the dining table when we stopped by. No lame Nestle substitutes for her, god bless her).

    1. freakishlywrong

      I don't know about you, but to this day chocolate covered raisins, (and nuts, yes, nuts), are one of my favorites.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        You may keep them. A hippie-ish, idiosyncratic aunt whose care I was in for a while introduced me at a young age to carob, the wholesome chocolate substitute, via raisins coated in such. I could tell the difference right away, yet she allowed no actual chocolate in the house so my hands were tied for the time being. This is what candy-coated raisins remind me of, unfortunately.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        I gained about 4 pounds the week I discovered Costco sells chocolate covered almonds. In a (you guessed it) 4-lb container.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Well if we're going to be going all Abe Simpson here, I remember this sort of gawd-awful sticky candy, sort of like caramel except basically just sugar mixed in with some kind of unplaceable flavour in a rubbery chewy – well, I guess – technically edible substance is the only descriptor I can bring to mind. They came in orange wrappers with black silhouettes of cats with arched backs, bats and witches flying on broomsticks scattered over the orange. You only saw them at Halloween: A huge bag of them was the cheapest Halloween candy the store offered, which explained the popularity with parents. We would always groan after leaving a house that gave us a handful of them.

      The disappearance of that horrible goo is one of the few visible markers of genuine progress in the human condition. I'm sure that on Halloween in Hell, Biely makes sure all the bad kids get bags full of nothing but that.

      1. Come here a minute

        As I remember it, Halloween was the one day a year we would all dispense with propriety and wear a chocolate-covered onion on our belts!

  8. freakishlywrong

    And whatever you do, dear Wonkateers, don't wade in to the hateful fever swamp that is the WaPo comment section. My internet smells like sulfur now.

  9. HedonismBot

    Meanwhile, in that paralell universe where Walnuts and Grifty McGrifts-a-lot won the 2008 election (and Walnuts died a year and a half into his term,) White House trick-or-treaters complain of receiving half-empty bags of M&M's. A spokesman reveals that President Palin made sure to remove all the "W's."

  10. nonbeliever7

    Since I'm of a certain age…I think she should hand out candy wax lips in the shape of her lips. Think of the fun that would bring….

    1. Beowoof

      Only if republicans hand out those big goober teeth. I am of that age where I remember both and redneck buck teeth were all the rage after the wax lips.

  11. chascates

    ConAgra, Dow, and Monsanto demand you do the patriotic thing and stuff as much HFCS, imported slavery-harvested chocolate, and chemical additives as your body can hold.

    Healthy eating is no more an American trait than generosity or modesty.

  12. ThundercatHo

    So if the watermelon patch is in the front yard does that mean that the absolutely sincere pumpkin patch is around back? Will Eric Cantor be waiting outside waiting for John "Great Pumkin" Boner to rise out of it?

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Ex-fiance is a true-blue hippie granola chick from Rhode Island; she told me that one year she gave out little tooth-care kits to the trick-or-treaters. Couple months later she was playing in a volleyball match and some kids in the stands yelled out "Hey it's the toothbrush lady!" That and the stories about the annoying kids out in the yard made me realize I was dating the Neighborhood Crazy Cat Lady.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Let me just say that, if you're reading this Nancy, it's still on if you want. Also, first chick I ever met that would listen to a baseball game on the radio. And know what the hell they were talking about.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Well, it's all a question of balance, and I could live with that. I think it was just a one-year experiment.

  14. DaSandman

    Meanwhile at Hermie's place you will get a slice of pizza for trick or treat with a side order of cock.

    All shriveled up just like the fruit in FLOTUS's basket

  15. prommie

    Sounds like a close call. This is supposed to be a response to you up there, Baldar, and the hippiechick.

  16. prommie

    Is there anyone else who makes a point to not be home during trick-or-treating hours? I have gone so far as to turn off all the lights and hide in a room in the back of the house.

    1. SorosBot

      While I'd normally be safe in my third-floor apartment, I think, this week I'm dog/cat/house-sitting for my parents, and will be going out after work to make sure I don't return until the brats are done. Do not want to deal with them.

    2. ProgressiveInga

      What, and miss all of the lil' harry potters and hello kitties and zombies? I am going to answer the door with a bowl full of 'treats' dressed either as Ruth Madoff or Steve Jobs.

      Too soon?

    3. BaldarTFlagass

      I live pretty remote and have only had kids come by once. Had nothing, gave them some Hall's Mentho-Lyptus (obscured them as I put them in the bag in order to avoid recriminations). My new place has a gate and everyone on the street has 2 acres, definitely not a worthwhile target. I think most parents out here take their kids into the subdivisions nearer town.

    4. proudgrampa

      Funny, proudgramma and I always SAY we aren't going to stay home and pass out treats. But invariably, we do just that. I think it's because we like the kids too much.

      Think I will do my usual and answer the door as Dean Martin (with martini in hand). Or Foster Brooks.

    5. Gunner Asch

      We like to see all the little ones in their costumes and every year have goodies waiting. Unfortunately we have a wrought-iron fenced old Victorian with a gargoyle out front and I see most of them looking a bit wierded out as they scurry on by. May also relate to the silouette of the old dress form in the window, a' la Psycho.

    6. ttommyunger

      Actually, I pull doorbell duty every year while the missus watches Dancing With Douchebags, or whatever. The browns are all but bussed in and they get bigger every fucking year. It is a little disturbing. I quit that shit when I was ten or eleven, or sooner, I don't remember.

  17. NorthStarSpanx

    If I give a FLOTUS approved treat to Piper-the-Diaper, I think she and Willow would torch my place.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    You cannot appease the dead who walk the earth with bags of cashew raisins. Especially if there are only three cashews in each bag — they ought to be called raisin cashews.

  19. smitallica

    The righties will soon be all over this, because:
    1. It's meaningless, and therefore profoundly important to them as proof of something or other.
    2. After all this time, the Obamas still stubbornly insist on being black.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah what is it with that whole being-black thing? They should just back off on that shit. It's like they're doing it to provoke us, y'know?

  20. LiveToServeYa

    It's no use, Barry, the Republicans will egg your house no matter what candy (or whatever) you give out. So stop caving!

  21. MiniMencken

    Now, if she were to give out Jelly Bellys, the Fox News commentators' heads would begin to spin — until they realized that one of the traditional Jelly Belly flavors is watermelon. Then they could really yuk it up.

    1. fartknocker

      The 3 talking pinhead at Faux, including that dimwit Gretchen would immediately announce that the POTUS and First Lady are using the left over Jelly Bellys from the Ronnie Raygun collection. Because Ronnie Rayguy was a real, god-loving, true fucking American patriot.

  22. El Pinche

    Remember that last time the White House got egged? That 6 year old got maced, tasered, and waterboarded.

  23. not that Dewey

    While FLOTUS fills the kiddo's bags with radishes, Eric Cantor could park himself a block away from the White House and hand out printed copies of his Deficit Reduction Plan, see who gets more takers.

    1. proudgrampa

      Cantor would see the trick-or-treaters as an angry "mob." Then he'd run away like the chickenshit he is.

  24. Andrew Drinker

    AHA! The mystery has FINALLY been solved! President Obama was the one who wrote the Wal-Mart shopping list trying to get Michelle to buy cakes we like! I mean, c'mon, he asked for cigarettes too. SEE? HUH? SEE?

  25. BigDumbRedDog

    I'm getting all of my chocolate giving holidays confused. Halloween is the day that we celebrate zombie Jeezus coming back from the dead to roam the earth, right? In search of chocolate … And brains? I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school.

  26. DaRooster

    Everything in moderation… although I doubt I could moderate myself with Michelle involved. She is awesomesauce!

  27. An_Outhouse

    Its all 'military families' this and 'robot drones of death' that with these nihilistic worshippers of authority and conformity. What's a matter, Barry, is your dick too small?

  28. ttommyunger

    Candy? Hmmm. Whenever I see FLOTUS I crave tacos, a hot, yummy taco. Does this make me a bad person?

  29. Antispandex

    "That’s real classy, Barry, going on the disgusting Jay Leno show to complain about your wife’s eating habits."

    I agree! Have you seen the chin on that guy? You want your kids growing one of those?

    1. Negropolis

      You know, when the aliens liberate Jay's car-encrusted tomb, and they see that chin, they will believe him to have been some kind of god.

  30. Negropolis

    I see, the good cop/bad cop routine. What a bunch of dysfunctional Indo-Kenyan, Muslin Marxists, these two.

    I can haz moar candiez? Give me candiez or give me deaf!

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