The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, “the holidays” usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad parents kill each other over whatever Furby the kids are freaking out about these days. But since the Obamas are secret Muslim devil-worshippers (ha ha, no one knows the difference between these two things) their holiday season is Halloween. Tensions are running high in the Obama household tonight as our FLOTUS’ desire to put America on a diet has been threatened by that other Obama, who is desperately trying to get anyone, literally anyone, to like him, at the expense of his wife’s anti-obesity initiative.
Our FLOTUS, dressed in orange and black for some reason, invited children of military families to visit the White House on Saturday for some early Halloween “fun.”
And yes, the sweets included signature boxes of White House M&Ms, signaling a temporary respite from the first lady’s healthy eating campaign. Dried fruit and White House baked cookies rounded out the handouts.
She got her “dried fruit” in there, but how could Michelle Obama break her promise to keep candy away from all of America’s children no matter what? Where were the paper bags of radishes and basil from the famous, soon to be immortalized White House garden? Only Junk Food Obama could be behind such a scandal.
President Obama is proud of first lady Michelle Obama’s healthy eating project and all that — but he doesn’t want her to get carried away at Halloween.
“She’s been giving, for the last few years, kids fruit and raisins in a bag,” Obama told talk show host Jay Leno last night to the knowing groans of The Tonight Show audience.
“And I said, ‘The White House is going to get egged,’” Obama said. “‘You need to throw some candy in there.’
“‘A couple Reese’s Pieces or something.’”
That’s real classy, Barry, going on the disgusting Jay Leno show to complain about your wife’s eating habits. And come on, no one eats Reese’s Pieces except for the E.T. and maybe John Boehner (the orange color is not natural). Hang in there, Michelle, we will come trick-or-treating for a bag of raisins any day. [WaPo/USAToday]
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Pretty soon wingnuts will be running around making long distance calls to Kenya and shrieking as only wingnuts can, "B.O. phone home!"
"boxes of White House M&Ms"
They have monogrammed candy for Halloween? "Michelle & Muslim (Obama)?"
Well they were going to go with B&O, but it turned out to be a railroad.
Let's see, MusliM begins and ends with an "M" M&M. The ampersand "&" symbol must stand for "usli" I should be in the CIA or something.
Or on GBTV.
I would absolutely take ANYTHING that woman gave me. Just whatever. My love knows no bounds. Her arms are the handles to my Grecian Urn.
Yes, but she's being very naughty in taking all the fun out of Halloween.
I think a suitable punishment for her would be to spend the night hand-feeding me a bag of warm, "Fun-Size" Snickers bars.
To get in the proper Halloween mood, I think one of those classic little French maid outfits would be appropriate. Or naughty librarian; either one.
Naughty hospital exec? Naughty Sidley Austin associate?
Rick Scott Libel!
Make sure you hold the door for her.
What's a Grecian Urn?
'When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe'
Right now, about eleven cents an hour.
WON.
I'd be impressed if she had handed out pickled newt spleens. From pickled Newts.
But did Michele put on a typical skimpy Haloween costume? That's what America wants to see.
I think Barack should dress up as something completely out of the ordinary and that would make him unrecognizable. You know, like a Democrat.
Wish I could upfist X10
"Catwoman!"
With cute little horns!….
"dried fruit" sounds like what the rentboys might call their republican political patrons.
I think that Jay Leno is mostly High Fructose Corn Syrup…
I think she is a nice lady.
this is similar to when W undermined Laura's literacy campaign by, um, talking.
LOL!
Bless his heart; he couldn't anything right.
Jesus Pieces® — coming soon to a JesusWeen event near you.
Handing out Splinters of the True Cross for Halloween – bringing back the old favorites. And practical too – the kids can set up a shrine and sell photographs to pilgrims.
The Catholic Church (oh, and the Episcopalians, Methodists, and Presbyterians, too, I suppose) should rebrand Communion with this awesome concept, see how many kids sign up.
"This is my body… with a crispy candy shell."
Jesus Pieces® …. sweet on the outside, nutty on the inside.
So, that's what the kids are calling Communion, these days.
The more you know.
Michelle Obama would be that person that gives away tooth brushes! Libural commie!!!!! Show us the long form dental floss!!!
Clarence Thomas hands out creepy dental floss-it's black, kinda kinked up, and only about an inch long.
There's something horribly outrageous and socialist about this, just give
meFoxNews a few minutes to figure out what it is."“And I said, ‘The White House is going to get egged,’” Obama said. “‘You need to throw some candy in there.’"
One egg would be thrown, then the snipers on the roof of the White House would put a stop to it.
Under the Obama administration, that egg would be blasted halfway to the White House – Semper Fie!…
What no kale and algae smoothie, well I won’t be sending my kids to knock on that door.
It's amazing how much those kids hate the Obamas. They recoil in horror. Hopey should have worn a Gingrich mask and really scared the shit outta them.
Trust me, the Calista mask would make the kids pee their pants and run.
Trust me, the Calista mask would make the kids
peeshit their pants and run.Fixed.
The Calista mask is going to be adopted by Slipknot.
Or Gwar.
Show me the Snickers Bars! The Baby Ruths! How about an Almond Joy?
You know, the good stuff.
Or it's eggin' time….
~
Are Reese's Pieces not universally beloved? When did this happen?
Now candy corns… they can fuck off and die!
My nephew once ate a whole shit load of candy corns. So many he puked. It was the nastiest thing I ever saw, and I've been to Taiwan.
Okay, I will still be giggling about this comment well in to next week.
That Taiwan bit, that is the sign of well-crafted snark from the hands of a master of the form.
Thank you.
Baconz?
I'm paying tribute to the McRib!!!! Love some of that McRib.
And, with that name (McRib), you would know nasty.
I despise peanut butter.
Just think of it as vegetarian patè. Of course, you might hate patè too. I know I do.
I adore pate!
C'mon now, don't be hating on candy corn. Maybe you haven't tried them when they are at their best – at least a year after manufacture. (Not kidding, I really like 'em crunchy.)
No dice – candy corn can't die.
No. Reese's are not universally beloved. Chocolate and peanut butter should never be eaten together.
Some things are just meant to be eaten separately. Would you put steak and apple cobbler on the same plate? My point exactly.
Oh grow up, 21st century generation of whiners! In MY day, yes, we got an occasional box of raisins with the treats we trick'd out for. And we didn't have a big hairy cow about it. We just set those aside and got down to the good stuff in its fake-chocolate-coated goodness.
(Actually, I could gloat cause my grandmother saved this one occasion per year to serve up homemade chocolate doughnuts-on-a-lollipop-stick among other desserts set out on the dining table when we stopped by. No lame Nestle substitutes for her, god bless her).
I don't know about you, but to this day chocolate covered raisins, (and nuts, yes, nuts), are one of my favorites.
You may keep them. A hippie-ish, idiosyncratic aunt whose care I was in for a while introduced me at a young age to carob, the wholesome chocolate substitute, via raisins coated in such. I could tell the difference right away, yet she allowed no actual chocolate in the house so my hands were tied for the time being. This is what candy-coated raisins remind me of, unfortunately.
Your Aunt tied you up and fed you scarab beetle's?
If it makes a better story, I'll say yes. Thanks for the new campfire-circle-terrorizing material, JMC, and Happy Halloween!
I gained about 4 pounds the week I discovered Costco sells chocolate covered almonds. In a (you guessed it) 4-lb container.
I gained about four pounds just reading that.
Well if we're going to be going all Abe Simpson here, I remember this sort of gawd-awful sticky candy, sort of like caramel except basically just sugar mixed in with some kind of unplaceable flavour in a rubbery chewy – well, I guess – technically edible substance is the only descriptor I can bring to mind. They came in orange wrappers with black silhouettes of cats with arched backs, bats and witches flying on broomsticks scattered over the orange. You only saw them at Halloween: A huge bag of them was the cheapest Halloween candy the store offered, which explained the popularity with parents. We would always groan after leaving a house that gave us a handful of them.
The disappearance of that horrible goo is one of the few visible markers of genuine progress in the human condition. I'm sure that on Halloween in Hell, Biely makes sure all the bad kids get bags full of nothing but that.
As I remember it, Halloween was the one day a year we would all dispense with propriety and wear a chocolate-covered onion on our belts!
I remember these – they were so bad they didn't have a name….
I'm a young'un and I remember those, as well.
And whatever you do, dear Wonkateers, don't wade in to the hateful fever swamp that is the WaPo comment section. My internet smells like sulfur now.
Meanwhile, in that paralell universe where Walnuts and Grifty McGrifts-a-lot won the 2008 election (and Walnuts died a year and a half into his term,) White House trick-or-treaters complain of receiving half-empty bags of M&M's. A spokesman reveals that President Palin made sure to remove all the "W's."
Since I'm of a certain age…I think she should hand out candy wax lips in the shape of her lips. Think of the fun that would bring….
Mmmm, I loved those wax lips. There were so many candies made out of wax, back in the day.
Only if republicans hand out those big goober teeth. I am of that age where I remember both and redneck buck teeth were all the rage after the wax lips.
ConAgra, Dow, and Monsanto demand you do the patriotic thing and stuff as much HFCS, imported slavery-harvested chocolate, and chemical additives as your body can hold.
Healthy eating is no more an American trait than generosity or modesty.
So if the watermelon patch is in the front yard does that mean that the absolutely sincere pumpkin patch is around back? Will Eric Cantor be waiting outside waiting for John "Great Pumkin" Boner to rise out of it?
Business up front, party in the back.
What? No candy cigarettes?
Barry… talk to her.
And jelly nicotine patches!
Bubble gum cigarettes. Those were so cool…
Smoking's not cool.
Today we ALL get lame Halloween treats.
Today we all ARE lame Halloween treats.
"Do you want a bag of granola little Superman."
Ex-fiance is a true-blue hippie granola chick from Rhode Island; she told me that one year she gave out little tooth-care kits to the trick-or-treaters. Couple months later she was playing in a volleyball match and some kids in the stands yelled out "Hey it's the toothbrush lady!" That and the stories about the annoying kids out in the yard made me realize I was dating the Neighborhood Crazy Cat Lady.
Let me guess. She fucked like nobody's business.
Let me just say that, if you're reading this Nancy, it's still on if you want. Also, first chick I ever met that would listen to a baseball game on the radio. And know what the hell they were talking about.
That is a rare and special quality in a woman. But the toothbrush thing? That's a bad sign.
Well, it's all a question of balance, and I could live with that. I think it was just a one-year experiment.
Rhode Island no less! Escape unscarred, did we?
She is history's greatest monster.
KristalNacht < DriedFruitNacht
I don't know why — maybe it's absurdity of it all — but I laughed very hard at that.
Meanwhile at Hermie's place you will get a slice of pizza for trick or treat with a side order of cock.
All shriveled up just like the fruit in FLOTUS's basket
Sounds like a close call. This is supposed to be a response to you up there, Baldar, and the hippiechick.
Is there anyone else who makes a point to not be home during trick-or-treating hours? I have gone so far as to turn off all the lights and hide in a room in the back of the house.
While I'd normally be safe in my third-floor apartment, I think, this week I'm dog/cat/house-sitting for my parents, and will be going out after work to make sure I don't return until the brats are done. Do not want to deal with them.
What, and miss all of the lil' harry potters and hello kitties and zombies? I am going to answer the door with a bowl full of 'treats' dressed either as Ruth Madoff or Steve Jobs.
Too soon?
I live pretty remote and have only had kids come by once. Had nothing, gave them some Hall's Mentho-Lyptus (obscured them as I put them in the bag in order to avoid recriminations). My new place has a gate and everyone on the street has 2 acres, definitely not a worthwhile target. I think most parents out here take their kids into the subdivisions nearer town.
Funny, proudgramma and I always SAY we aren't going to stay home and pass out treats. But invariably, we do just that. I think it's because we like the kids too much.
Think I will do my usual and answer the door as Dean Martin (with martini in hand). Or Foster Brooks.
We like to see all the little ones in their costumes and every year have goodies waiting. Unfortunately we have a wrought-iron fenced old Victorian with a gargoyle out front and I see most of them looking a bit wierded out as they scurry on by. May also relate to the silouette of the old dress form in the window, a' la Psycho.
And keep all the candy with you in the closet – shame!….it's eggthrowin' time….
Actually, I pull doorbell duty every year while the missus watches Dancing With Douchebags, or whatever. The browns are all but bussed in and they get bigger every fucking year. It is a little disturbing. I quit that shit when I was ten or eleven, or sooner, I don't remember.
So, you're "that guy." I only ever hear of people doing this. I've never witnessed it.
If I give a FLOTUS approved treat to Piper-the-Diaper, I think she and Willow would torch my place.
You cannot appease the dead who walk the earth with bags of cashew raisins. Especially if there are only three cashews in each bag — they ought to be called raisin cashews.
You might be able to raisin the dead, however.
Hey, pass that bag of raison d'etre, will ya? At 64 I'm running a little low.
The righties will soon be all over this, because:
1. It's meaningless, and therefore profoundly important to them as proof of something or other.
2. After all this time, the Obamas still stubbornly insist on being black.
Yeah what is it with that whole being-black thing? They should just back off on that shit. It's like they're doing it to provoke us, y'know?
It's no use, Barry, the Republicans will egg your house no matter what candy (or whatever) you give out. So stop caving!
This Halloween is all about the hobo beans!
Now, if she were to give out Jelly Bellys, the Fox News commentators' heads would begin to spin — until they realized that one of the traditional Jelly Belly flavors is watermelon. Then they could really yuk it up.
The 3 talking pinhead at Faux, including that dimwit Gretchen would immediately announce that the POTUS and First Lady are using the left over Jelly Bellys from the Ronnie Raygun collection. Because Ronnie Rayguy was a real, god-loving, true fucking American patriot.
Keeping Michelle as FLOTUS is reason enough to vote for Barry again regardless.
Remember that last time the White House got egged? That 6 year old got maced, tasered, and waterboarded.
He threw Michelle under the bus.
While FLOTUS fills the kiddo's bags with radishes, Eric Cantor could park himself a block away from the White House and hand out printed copies of his Deficit Reduction Plan, see who gets more takers.
Cantor would see the trick-or-treaters as an angry "mob." Then he'd run away like the chickenshit he is.
All your candy are belong to us
AHA! The mystery has FINALLY been solved! President Obama was the one who wrote the Wal-Mart shopping list trying to get Michelle to buy cakes we like! I mean, c'mon, he asked for cigarettes too. SEE? HUH? SEE?
it's easier to tamper with dried fruit.
just sayin.
I'm getting all of my chocolate giving holidays confused. Halloween is the day that we celebrate zombie Jeezus coming back from the dead to roam the earth, right? In search of chocolate … And brains? I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school.
Chocolate covered brains… kinda like huge ass raisins.
Yes, but do they have a creamy filling?
Ugh. I just grossed myself out.
Everything in moderation… although I doubt I could moderate myself with Michelle involved. She is awesomesauce!
Its all 'military families' this and 'robot drones of death' that with these nihilistic worshippers of authority and conformity. What's a matter, Barry, is your dick too small?
Egging the Whitehouse? Not unless you want to spend the rest of your life in Gitmo.
Candy? Hmmm. Whenever I see FLOTUS I crave tacos, a hot, yummy taco. Does this make me a bad person?
"That’s real classy, Barry, going on the disgusting Jay Leno show to complain about your wife’s eating habits."
I agree! Have you seen the chin on that guy? You want your kids growing one of those?
You know, when the aliens liberate Jay's car-encrusted tomb, and they see that chin, they will believe him to have been some kind of god.
I see, the good cop/bad cop routine. What a bunch of dysfunctional Indo-Kenyan, Muslin Marxists, these two.
I can haz moar candiez? Give me candiez or give me deaf!
For dessert Google "Obamas Fulfilling the Bible" and "Michelle Obama's Allah-day."
Did you have dinner in Snake Alley?
I don't know, that sounds like the kind of spouse who might take great delectation from denying you things (cake, steaks, orgasms) "for your own good".
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