avoid the noid

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

It is impossible to imagine still doing this a year from now.Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a cigarette while making masturbation faces. Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer? Perhaps. But in the America of 2011, the self-proclaimed political leaders like Cain (who has never even held political office) are as confused by their motives as those compelled to watch these audio-visual abortions on the nation’s billions of computer screens. In other words, Herman Cain was asked if his idiotic web video was meant to promote death from smoking, and Herman Cain said no, of course not, because smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do.”

If Herman Cain says something “is not a cool thing to do,” the weight of his inane proclamation immediately reverses the polarity on whatever he’s talking about, so that the subject of this or future “web commercials” — smoking, shitting in people’s mouths, buying life insurance, collecting action figures, painting a child’s toenails, taking vitamins, strangling a public school official with the cape from a child’s Halloween costume, writing a blog post, etc. — immediately becomes self-evidently the opposite of what Herman Cain claims. Therefore, smoking is cool again, perhaps the coolest thing since Elvis joined the Army or Charles Manson carved a swastika in his forehead. But Herman Cain and his porn-stached masturbation ogre who exhales into a Handicam, they are the evil opposite of cool, the anti-cool, a dual vortex of shame and degradation.

Confront Herman Cain with this terrifying equation, and he sputters impotently, spittle flying, the elderly host of the news talk program withdraws, cancer strikes at every cell:

When asked if he thought the ad was meant to be “funny,” Cain said his campaign “didn’t know whether it would be funny to some people or whether they were going to ignore it or whatever the case may be.”

“It’s not funny to me – I am a cancer survivor, like you,” Bob Schieffer said. “I had cancer that was smoking related. I don’t think it serves the country well – and this is an editorial opinion here – to be showing someone smoking a cigarette. You’re the frontrunner now. It seems to me as frontrunner you would have a responsibility not to take that kind of a tone in this campaign. I would suggest that perhaps as the frontrunner, you’d want to raise the level of the campaign.”

“We will do that, Bob,” Cain responded. “I do respect your objection to the ad.”

Bob Schieffer screams into the void.Pressed to say something anti-smoking, Herman Cain stalled. As a lobbyist for the chain-food industry, he lobbied against anti-smoking laws in restaurants. The Herman Cains of the world want you to slowly die of cancer in their industrial-murder chain restaurants so you will linger over another slice of rendered-pig pie, and perhaps something from our dessert menu, maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?

But he must say something:

Herman Cain said Sunday that smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do” and denied that a web ad recently released by his campaign was meant to glamorize or glorify cigarette smoking.

“One of the themes within this campaign is, let Herman be Herman,” he told CBS’ Bob Schieffer. “Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark. That’s all we’re trying to say because we believe, let people be people. This wasn’t intended to send any subliminal signal whatsoever.”

Subliminal? What compels Herman Cain to deny that his YouTube campaign spots are laden with subliminal messages? Why does he need a “theme” that he should be who he is? What kind of demonic cipher needs a “theme” for this? And if this is indeed his “theme,” through what alchemy does it emit from his being into the being of any others involved with his bizarre performance of “a campaign”? Herman Cain’s theme is that Herman Cain is Herman Cain, therefore all others and all opposing actions are also validated by the theme of Herman Cain being Herman Cain. Morals whine pathetically in a broken heap beneath the tower of Herman Cain’s aspirations and exploding sense of self. Herman Cain is, thus all is permitted, all is negated, all is validation of Herman Cain being Herman Cain.

Meanwhile, outside the television studio in Washington, the actual campaign manager stands outside, posing for photographers, smoking and grimacing, a camp performance. There is sunshine and cold outside, darkness and the ideology of the cancer cell inside. A pit opens miles beneath a nuclear power plant in Virginia. A child trips on untied shoelaces and rises with a bloodied lip. Herman Cain is silent in the back of the Town Car on the way to his hotel. [CBS News]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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129 comments

  1. Occupy V572

    Ken Layne: another rube suckered by the ongoing performance art of the Herman Cain "campaign." Cain will not be elected president, but so long as Roger Ailes can draw a breath or attend an opera performance, Cain is guaranteed a spot on Fox News when the current unpleasantness ends.

    Ailes is Blicero: a deeply perverted man who hates the world and means to destroy it in tiny increments of bad taste; whether it's Gottfried in the A4 Schwarzgerät launched towards London or Sarah Palin spewing vicious nonsense makes no difference.

    Now, let's all go watch Tim Tebow on Fox, as we were meant to.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Mergatroid or Megatron or whatever just caught a pass at the 30 and took one big step into the end zone to make it 38-3 Lions! Where is your John 3:16 now, Timmy?

      1. Occupy V572

        I love how all the Lions are kneeling down to mock him after every good play. O God, why hast thou forsaken me?

      1. Occupy V572

        Twenty-one great tobaccos make twenty wonderful smokes! Smoked 'em myself for too many years until quitting at 2:45 PM on March 12, 1988 at Puerto Vallarta airport. Apparently it's cool again, so I feel bad.

  2. Barb

    His whole campaign reminds me of that Sanjaya guy and the whole American Idol "Vote for the Worst" movement.

    1. weejee

      That's okay. This is a ghey loving site, so a little fruit salad is fine. Now if he starts mixing semaphores or petit fours, then that's another matter.

  3. Callyson

    Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer?
    That's the best explanation of the Republican primary race for president that I've ever read…

  4. bordo2

    We will know Herman Cain has truly arrived when he joins the cast of "Dancing with the Stars," where he will do the funky chicken and win the top prize. All this alleged campaigning is simply meant to get him some attention so the producers of "DWTS" will give him a call.

  5. Chet Kincaid

    Herman Cain’s theme is that Herman Cain is Herman Cain, therefore all others and all opposing actions are also validated by the theme of Herman Cain being Herman Cain. Morals whine pathetically in a broken heap beneath the tower of Herman Cain’s aspirations and exploding sense of self. Herman Cain is, thus all is permitted, all is negated, all is validation of Herman Cain being Herman Cain.

    Your move, Alvin Greene.

  6. bumfug

    Does Herman Cain really think that Godfather's would have ever sold their first pizza if it weren't for smoking (weed)?

    1. Callyson

      Someone on HuffyPo said it looked like the smile of a person who has just given someone a date – rape drug.

  7. ifthethunderdontgetya

    The Herman Cains of the world want you to slowly die of cancer in their industrial-murder chain restaurants so you will linger over another slice of rendered-pig pie, and perhaps something from our dessert menu, maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?

    Thus cheating the Rick Perrys of the world, who want you to die quickly in for-profit execution prison factories.
    ~

  8. Guppy

    We need to repeal all these burdensome regulations on the tobacco industry! It's getting so that you can't make an honest profit in this country!

  9. MiniMencken

    When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a cigarette paper and carrying a boxed pizza.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    1) Stupid ideas – check
    2) Really stupid ideas – check and check
    3) No idea how things actually work – check
    4) A mouth in a suit – check
    5) In it for the money -check
    6) Has all the understanding of a pile of manure – check.
    7) Proclaims to have (non-existent and not evident) leadership skills – check

    Herman Fucking Cain! is the fucking pointy headed MBA equipped corprat boss of office reality/nightmares – tinted model.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Can we add total ignorance of geography and history to that list? I'm not happy with it being merely mooshed in with #3.

  11. NYNYNYjr

    Herman Cain [didn't Bible say something bad about the Cain family?] least cool person in America? When he's standing between Romney and Santorum I occasionally mistake him for the Most cool person in America.

    1. drrty_martini

      Good luck with that! His campaign bought all the available copies. Fun fact: OG Wonkette Ana Marie Cox liveblogged his snoozefest of a book for The Guardian.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Herman Cain's position is quite clear on this. Smoking is an issue that the government should not be involved with. It should be a decision made between family members. If they need to break the law, so be it. But Herman Cain is totally against it, unless it is done by his campaign manager.

  13. Barb

    The smoking ad is far better than the first idea they came up with, Herman Cain wearing a "I Fucked the Olsen Twins (before they were famous)" t-shirt.

  14. SudsMcKenzie

    So Herman Cain is totally fine with my epic hangover this "morning"? If he can tell me how my night wound up he has my vote.

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    "Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark."

    C'est logique. Mark Block takes shits, too. Let Mark be Mark. Why not let the cameras roll. It's not like they've invented smell-a-vision or anything, right?

  16. chascates

    Word from another uncool person: Pat Buchanan on OWS:
    “It’s going to end very, very badly with these folks in the winter,” Buchanan said, “and they’re not going to be getting publicity and they’re going to be acting up and acting badly like the worst of the demonstrators in the ’60s … not just overnight camping: They’re going to start fighting with the cops.”
    http://dailycaller.com/2011/10/30/pat-buchanan-oc

          1. riverside68

            I think that was done in Poland in 1939 when the polish officer corp on horseback with swords faced off against the panzers.

            It didn't take long as I recall . . .

            (urban myth alert, but don't let reality get in the way of a good story)

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Correction: these protestors are not entitled, draft deferred Boomers just trying to make an happening 'till the disco and coke and MBAS kick in. Therefore, they will not be short circuiting the movement.

    2. Negropolis

      After looking at how law enforcement has responded to these gatherings as of late, I agree. Things are going to end very badly…and it won't be because of the protestors…

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Just a heads up. I was a cook for a few years. Healthy or no, there I was, literally sweating into the stews, coughing on the cutlets, sneezing on the snacks. All of us did. Doesn't matter which restaurant you go to, it's always like that. So don't worry about it, just order well-cooked food. The worst food poisoning I've ever gotten was from the salad.

  17. TitsAkimbo

    Herman Cain said Sunday that smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do”

    He's doing it wrong.

  18. flamingpdog

    "maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?"

    with a THORAZINE-enhanced crazy straw?

    /corrected

  19. tcaalaw

    I think it's pretty obvious that the ad was an anti-Mormon dogwhistle. Watch for future ads where Cain campaign staffers stand around drinking Irish coffee.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    Cain is slowly working around to the real issue here: Remove all government taxes and restrictions off the manufacturing and sale of cigarettes and allow the tobacco industry to self-regulate for the common good.
    Carry on. Light ’em, if you have ’em, cause that guy in the ad is cigarette man from the X-files who cannot die from cancer.

  21. ttommyunger

    Running for Pres must be super-cool! Galavanting around the Country first class on somebody else's dime… At the end of each and every Cain Commercial should be the phrase: "Yo Mama approved this message, mothafucka!".

  22. user-of-owls

    Republican primary voters deciding between Romney and Cain face a difficult choice:

    Do I go with the white flip-flopper or the black one?

  23. HobbesEvilTwin

    as a recent ex-smoker, I thank Block and Cain for reminding me of the stupidity and vileness of the habit.

    1. Gone in 372 Days

      As a recent ex-socialist, I thank Skankette for reminding me of the stupidity and vileness of being a useful idiot.

  24. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I say it's genius: "Herman Cain is Herman Cain", therefore the rest of the field is not Herman Cain. Once the TeaTards buy into Herman, what are you gonna do? Argue that he's not Herman Cain?
    Watch them leverage it against Mittens now: "Who is Mitt Romney today, and who will he be tomorrow?" "It's 10:00 PM — do you know who Mitt Romney is?" I'd also start giving away Mitt Romney flip flops at campaign events.

    (Mitt is so slippery, it's hard to keep a grip on why I can't stand the guy.)

  25. Negropolis

    “One of the themes within this campaign is, let Herman be Herman,” he told CBS’ Bob Schieffer. “Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark.

    This has absolutely nothing to do with furthering Herman Cain's own campaign. This quote, here, makes absolutely no sense within the context of that. So what's the fucking point, then? I guess this is why Cain is a Republican. Nothing has to make sense in Republicanland. So long as you can lay claim to being the victim of a plot of some assumed sinister minority, nothing has to make sense in Blunderland.

    I agree; let Herman be Herman. For the love of god let him be. Let him be Herman until it hurts him.

    Acid is a helluva drug.

  26. a_pink_poodle

    Did you hear Herman Cain's vile Nanny-Statist, liberal agenda tirade on banning smoking that'll ultimately lead to banning babies and Jesus?!

  27. Gone in 372 Days

    I love it: Seems that the Commucrats of Skankette just can't BEAR getting a thumbs-down. So what's their answer? Why, just eliminate the thumbs-down button. That way, everybody gets more Socialist Gold Stars of Equality when everybody thumbs everybody else up. Why, that's just BRILLIANT, I tell you! Brilliant!

    You're a sad, sad bunch of neo-Communists. Nothing says "clueless" quite like, "The 19th-century Marxism we espouse is just the cure for what ails us in the 21st century! After all, Komrade Klueless said so, so it MUST be true!"

    1. Negropolis

      Bless your stupid, little heart. Nothing to say concerning the actual issue at hand, just cold bitching about a former feature of the blog.

      EPIC Fail.

  28. sausnetz

    what about that video for his theme song that pops up after the commercial – I am America, with that crazy looking lady…

  29. greenpatches

    Herman Cain is actually an alter-ego of David Liebe Hart, conceived as part of an elaborate political performance art project by Tim and Eric.

  30. SaintRond

    I've been reading these descriptions of American cuisine on Wonkette for several years now, and for some reason it's only now just occurred to me that it's uniquely brilliant.

    Whoever is responsible needs to take a year long hiatus from Wonkette and write the great American cookbook. Maybe hire Robert Rodriguez to take the still photos, because of his excellent work showing all those mouth watering Tex-Mex recipes in all their paper plate glory. Translations in 60 languages would be nice too.

    Fucking brilliant.

  31. riverside68

    I see, among all the other dog whistles, an attack on women who stopped men smoking when ever and where ever they wanted with all this safety first BS.

    The sly smile is "I am your negro and I am going to put the white man back on top, we are going back to smoking being a straight white man's right! (along with sex whenever he feels like it, and a little smacking around when people ask for it!)"

    I think it is the best ad since LBJ's daisy girl.

    1. Preacher_Griz

      The grinning negro means one of two things: either reparations are coming and there ain't a dang thing you can do to stop them, or it is a form of ocular copulation to create an army of extrasolar alien/human hybrids.

  32. Preacher_Griz

    I am far more concerned about the grinning negro subliminal then I am concerned about the sad smoking child molester subliminal, because when you see a grinning negro, reparations aren't too far behind…

  33. WunkRocker

    It is. True Romance is super. Brad Pitt's best film (arguably a low bar).
    Also Ken, it only matters when the Kenyan Socialist Nazi strongman impotentate smokes.

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