AVOID THE NOID  3:11 pm October 30, 2011

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

by Ken Layne

It is impossible to imagine still doing this a year from now.Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a cigarette while making masturbation faces. Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer? Perhaps. But in the America of 2011, the self-proclaimed political leaders like Cain (who has never even held political office) are as confused by their motives as those compelled to watch these audio-visual abortions on the nation’s billions of computer screens. In other words, Herman Cain was asked if his idiotic web video was meant to promote death from smoking, and Herman Cain said no, of course not, because smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do.”

If Herman Cain says something “is not a cool thing to do,” the weight of his inane proclamation immediately reverses the polarity on whatever he’s talking about, so that the subject of this or future “web commercials” — smoking, shitting in people’s mouths, buying life insurance, collecting action figures, painting a child’s toenails, taking vitamins, strangling a public school official with the cape from a child’s Halloween costume, writing a blog post, etc. — immediately becomes self-evidently the opposite of what Herman Cain claims. Therefore, smoking is cool again, perhaps the coolest thing since Elvis joined the Army or Charles Manson carved a swastika in his forehead. But Herman Cain and his porn-stached masturbation ogre who exhales into a Handicam, they are the evil opposite of cool, the anti-cool, a dual vortex of shame and degradation.

Confront Herman Cain with this terrifying equation, and he sputters impotently, spittle flying, the elderly host of the news talk program withdraws, cancer strikes at every cell:

When asked if he thought the ad was meant to be “funny,” Cain said his campaign “didn’t know whether it would be funny to some people or whether they were going to ignore it or whatever the case may be.”

“It’s not funny to me – I am a cancer survivor, like you,” Bob Schieffer said. “I had cancer that was smoking related. I don’t think it serves the country well – and this is an editorial opinion here – to be showing someone smoking a cigarette. You’re the frontrunner now. It seems to me as frontrunner you would have a responsibility not to take that kind of a tone in this campaign. I would suggest that perhaps as the frontrunner, you’d want to raise the level of the campaign.”

“We will do that, Bob,” Cain responded. “I do respect your objection to the ad.”

Bob Schieffer screams into the void.Pressed to say something anti-smoking, Herman Cain stalled. As a lobbyist for the chain-food industry, he lobbied against anti-smoking laws in restaurants. The Herman Cains of the world want you to slowly die of cancer in their industrial-murder chain restaurants so you will linger over another slice of rendered-pig pie, and perhaps something from our dessert menu, maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?

But he must say something:

Herman Cain said Sunday that smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do” and denied that a web ad recently released by his campaign was meant to glamorize or glorify cigarette smoking.

“One of the themes within this campaign is, let Herman be Herman,” he told CBS’ Bob Schieffer. “Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark. That’s all we’re trying to say because we believe, let people be people. This wasn’t intended to send any subliminal signal whatsoever.”

Subliminal? What compels Herman Cain to deny that his YouTube campaign spots are laden with subliminal messages? Why does he need a “theme” that he should be who he is? What kind of demonic cipher needs a “theme” for this? And if this is indeed his “theme,” through what alchemy does it emit from his being into the being of any others involved with his bizarre performance of “a campaign”? Herman Cain’s theme is that Herman Cain is Herman Cain, therefore all others and all opposing actions are also validated by the theme of Herman Cain being Herman Cain. Morals whine pathetically in a broken heap beneath the tower of Herman Cain’s aspirations and exploding sense of self. Herman Cain is, thus all is permitted, all is negated, all is validation of Herman Cain being Herman Cain.

Meanwhile, outside the television studio in Washington, the actual campaign manager stands outside, posing for photographers, smoking and grimacing, a camp performance. There is sunshine and cold outside, darkness and the ideology of the cancer cell inside. A pit opens miles beneath a nuclear power plant in Virginia. A child trips on untied shoelaces and rises with a bloodied lip. Herman Cain is silent in the back of the Town Car on the way to his hotel. [CBS News]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 129 comments }

AlterNewt October 30, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Well…smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

Occupy V572 October 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Ken Layne: another rube suckered by the ongoing performance art of the Herman Cain "campaign." Cain will not be elected president, but so long as Roger Ailes can draw a breath or attend an opera performance, Cain is guaranteed a spot on Fox News when the current unpleasantness ends.

Ailes is Blicero: a deeply perverted man who hates the world and means to destroy it in tiny increments of bad taste; whether it's Gottfried in the A4 Schwarzgerät launched towards London or Sarah Palin spewing vicious nonsense makes no difference.

Now, let's all go watch Tim Tebow on Fox, as we were meant to.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I think it's proper title is "Pooping on US America" By Herman Cain!

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Does Mommy help Mr. Homeschool learn the receiver routes and break down his film for him?

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Mergatroid or Megatron or whatever just caught a pass at the 30 and took one big step into the end zone to make it 38-3 Lions! Where is your John 3:16 now, Timmy?

Occupy V572 October 30, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I love how all the Lions are kneeling down to mock him after every good play. O God, why hast thou forsaken me?

RadioOcupados October 31, 2011 at 2:34 am

For us Ocupados, it's even worse than we thought.

Arken October 30, 2011 at 3:22 pm
weejee October 30, 2011 at 3:37 pm

My Pa smoked Chesterfields. He quit right after the cancer diagnosis – - six months +/- before he died.

Occupy V572 October 30, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Twenty-one great tobaccos make twenty wonderful smokes! Smoked 'em myself for too many years until quitting at 2:45 PM on March 12, 1988 at Puerto Vallarta airport. Apparently it's cool again, so I feel bad.

Barb October 30, 2011 at 3:26 pm

His whole campaign reminds me of that Sanjaya guy and the whole American Idol "Vote for the Worst" movement.

NYNYNYjr October 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Sanjay Gupta?

Jukesgrrl October 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Sanjay Gupta singing She Bangs.

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

That's how they welcomed Erin Burnett and her conflict of interest marriage to CNN.

AlterNewt October 30, 2011 at 3:27 pm

This may or may not be good news for Barack Obama.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard October 30, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Cain's one exception is to NOT let Barack be Barack.

AlterNewt October 30, 2011 at 3:27 pm

This mat or may not be good news for Barack Obama.

AddHomonym October 30, 2011 at 3:31 pm

You're mixing apples and oranges here, Ken.

weejee October 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

That's okay. This is a ghey loving site, so a little fruit salad is fine. Now if he starts mixing semaphores or petit fours, then that's another matter.

Callyson October 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer?
That's the best explanation of the Republican primary race for president that I've ever read…

4TheTurnstiles October 30, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Was he just kidding when he recommended electrifying the cigarettes?

bordo2 October 30, 2011 at 3:42 pm

We will know Herman Cain has truly arrived when he joins the cast of "Dancing with the Stars," where he will do the funky chicken and win the top prize. All this alleged campaigning is simply meant to get him some attention so the producers of "DWTS" will give him a call.

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Herman Cain’s theme is that Herman Cain is Herman Cain, therefore all others and all opposing actions are also validated by the theme of Herman Cain being Herman Cain. Morals whine pathetically in a broken heap beneath the tower of Herman Cain’s aspirations and exploding sense of self. Herman Cain is, thus all is permitted, all is negated, all is validation of Herman Cain being Herman Cain.

Your move, Alvin Greene.

Jukesgrrl October 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

And where is basilmarceaux.com when you need him?

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Bob Dole supports this third person omniscient candidacy.

emmelemm October 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Excellent callback.

bumfug October 30, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Does Herman Cain really think that Godfather's would have ever sold their first pizza if it weren't for smoking (weed)?

hollywooddood October 30, 2011 at 3:49 pm

The drag off the cigarette isn't nearly as disturbing as Cain's creepy smile at the end.

Callyson October 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Someone on HuffyPo said it looked like the smile of a person who has just given someone a date – rape drug.

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 3:50 pm

These negro politicians and their smoking are working Ken's last nerve!

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Layne needs to Kool down.

Negropolis October 31, 2011 at 12:08 am

By taking a nice, leisurely walk through Marlboro Country on the butt-end of a Camel.

proudgrampa October 30, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Mark Block looks like a character from a Camus novel.

ShitFilledExistence October 30, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Or someone Dan Clowes would draw.

proudgrampa October 30, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I see what you mean.

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Or the founder of my rotisserie baseball league.

RadioOcupados October 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Or this guy, standing on a beach.

proudgrampa October 31, 2011 at 12:43 am

Funny, that was one of my daughter's favorites.

Blueb4sunrise October 30, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Kool!

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 4:43 pm

That was a Lucky Strike there!

ifthethunderdontgetya October 30, 2011 at 4:01 pm

The Herman Cains of the world want you to slowly die of cancer in their industrial-murder chain restaurants so you will linger over another slice of rendered-pig pie, and perhaps something from our dessert menu, maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?

Thus cheating the Rick Perrys of the world, who want you to die quickly in for-profit execution prison factories.
~

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 4:03 pm

That slow-burning leer is Mr. Cain's delight over the latest hidden camera footage from the ladies room at campaign headquarters.

Guppy October 30, 2011 at 4:07 pm

We need to repeal all these burdensome regulations on the tobacco industry! It's getting so that you can't make an honest profit in this country!

ShitFilledExistence October 30, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Whoops! There goes your RJ Reynolds campaign support!

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 30, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Not cool…

Negropolis October 31, 2011 at 12:14 am

But also oddly and very Kool.

MiniMencken October 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm

When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a cigarette paper and carrying a boxed pizza.

DerrickWildcat October 30, 2011 at 4:10 pm

The 9-9-9 plan has been reconfigured and readjusted. It is now the 9-1-1 plan.
Please dial 911 to learn more about our new plan.

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Rudy needs to sue over theft of unintellectual property.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2011 at 4:12 pm

1) Stupid ideas – check
2) Really stupid ideas – check and check
3) No idea how things actually work – check
4) A mouth in a suit – check
5) In it for the money -check
6) Has all the understanding of a pile of manure – check.
7) Proclaims to have (non-existent and not evident) leadership skills – check

Herman Fucking Cain! is the fucking pointy headed MBA equipped corprat boss of office reality/nightmares – tinted model.

Jukesgrrl October 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Can we add total ignorance of geography and history to that list? I'm not happy with it being merely mooshed in with #3.

NYNYNYjr October 30, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Herman Cain [didn't Bible say something bad about the Cain family?] least cool person in America? When he's standing between Romney and Santorum I occasionally mistake him for the Most cool person in America.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 30, 2011 at 4:20 pm

The question is: Where can I buy Mr. Cain's book?

drrty_martini October 30, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Good luck with that! His campaign bought all the available copies. Fun fact: OG Wonkette Ana Marie Cox liveblogged his snoozefest of a book for The Guardian.

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

It's available for viewing at the Xine O'Donnell Reading Room.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 30, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Herman Cain's position is quite clear on this. Smoking is an issue that the government should not be involved with. It should be a decision made between family members. If they need to break the law, so be it. But Herman Cain is totally against it, unless it is done by his campaign manager.

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm

It should be a private matter between a smoker and his/her oncologist.

FlipOffResearch October 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Pulitzer for Layne.

x111e7thst October 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Meh. I'm going to smoke up now.

Barb October 30, 2011 at 4:31 pm

The smoking ad is far better than the first idea they came up with, Herman Cain wearing a "I Fucked the Olsen Twins (before they were famous)" t-shirt.

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

And THAT idea was better than the Herman Cain ad featuring Herm singing "God Bless America" with Lynx and Lamb from Prussian Blue.

chascates October 30, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Eating a high-calorie, high-transfat pizza, however, is the way to start a good day.

fuflans October 31, 2011 at 12:03 pm

this is what i think.

SudsMcKenzie October 30, 2011 at 4:36 pm

So Herman Cain is totally fine with my epic hangover this "morning"? If he can tell me how my night wound up he has my vote.

SheriffRoscoe October 30, 2011 at 4:38 pm

"Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark."

C'est logique. Mark Block takes shits, too. Let Mark be Mark. Why not let the cameras roll. It's not like they've invented smell-a-vision or anything, right?

chascates October 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Word from another uncool person: Pat Buchanan on OWS:
“It’s going to end very, very badly with these folks in the winter,” Buchanan said, “and they’re not going to be getting publicity and they’re going to be acting up and acting badly like the worst of the demonstrators in the ’60s … not just overnight camping: They’re going to start fighting with the cops.”
http://dailycaller.com/2011/10/30/pat-buchanan-oc

Jukesgrrl October 30, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I guess he hasn't noticed that it's the cops fighting with THEM.

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Yeah, it didn't work out too well for Pat's favorite army in the winter at Stalingrad, either. I'll put my money on the Communists.

Schmannnity October 30, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Pat's favorite army, the Army of Northern Virginia, had a crappy 4th of July in Gettysburg.

Chet Kincaid October 30, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Hey I'll bet a "Confederacy vs. Reich" debate on redstate.com would make all the wingnuts exceed their download bandwidth!

102415 October 31, 2011 at 2:55 am

That's an interesting idea. Where can I go to see this?

riverside68 October 31, 2011 at 8:54 am

I think that was done in Poland in 1939 when the polish officer corp on horseback with swords faced off against the panzers.

It didn't take long as I recall . . .

(urban myth alert, but don't let reality get in the way of a good story)

donner_froh October 31, 2011 at 1:20 am

Paging Georgy Zhukov.

horsedreamer_1 October 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Correction: these protestors are not entitled, draft deferred Boomers just trying to make an happening 'till the disco and coke and MBAS kick in. Therefore, they will not be short circuiting the movement.

Negropolis October 31, 2011 at 12:16 am

After looking at how law enforcement has responded to these gatherings as of late, I agree. Things are going to end very badly…and it won't be because of the protestors…

BarackMyWorld October 30, 2011 at 4:39 pm

This talk of smoking gives me a new idea for a pizza topping.

Barb October 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Smoked red herring?

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

tobaco bits?

SheriffRoscoe October 30, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Eww. Never eat pizza prepared by a smoker with a bad cough.

OneDollarJuana October 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Just a heads up. I was a cook for a few years. Healthy or no, there I was, literally sweating into the stews, coughing on the cutlets, sneezing on the snacks. All of us did. Doesn't matter which restaurant you go to, it's always like that. So don't worry about it, just order well-cooked food. The worst food poisoning I've ever gotten was from the salad.

ExecutorElassus October 30, 2011 at 4:40 pm

So is Herman Cain this election cycle's Zen master?

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 4:44 pm

That worked so well for Alvin Greene!

ProgressiveInga October 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

"I like to watch."

Monsieur_Grumpe October 30, 2011 at 4:42 pm

When Mark Block gets cancer and doesn't have insurance Herman will have to let him die because that is the Republican way to get applause.

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 4:44 pm

That's the ultimate way of letting Mark be Mark, also.

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Herman Cain said Sunday that smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do”

He's doing it wrong.

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Speaking of smoking, Ken, what exactly did you light up earlier this afternoon?

Come here a minute October 30, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Looks like our editor took that mushroom study to heart.

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"maybe a colostomy bag of food-colored corn syrup with a THOR-licensed crazy-straw?"

with a THORAZINE-enhanced crazy straw?

/corrected

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Mark Block is morally weak.

HateMachine October 30, 2011 at 5:06 pm

These cigarettes prove that Herman Cain is morally weak.

doloras October 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm

SOOTY!!!

NorbertsRevenge October 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

hope he brings his hammer to the next debate…

tcaalaw October 30, 2011 at 5:21 pm

I think it's pretty obvious that the ad was an anti-Mormon dogwhistle. Watch for future ads where Cain campaign staffers stand around drinking Irish coffee.

Schmannnity October 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

"life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer?"

Is this the second verse to the Partridge Family's C'mon Get Happy? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4xQ5qwwQoc

WhatTheHeck October 30, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Cain is slowly working around to the real issue here: Remove all government taxes and restrictions off the manufacturing and sale of cigarettes and allow the tobacco industry to self-regulate for the common good.
Carry on. Light ’em, if you have ’em, cause that guy in the ad is cigarette man from the X-files who cannot die from cancer.

deanbooth October 30, 2011 at 5:48 pm

A real rebel smokes inside.

flamingpdog October 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

If Herb doesn't become our next Preznint, I see him as the host of the revived Soulless Train.

Speaking of Herman Cain and trains. Be sure to bring your barf bag.

TitsAkimbo October 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Whoa. Or is that woe? Either one, wtf!

Schmannnity October 30, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I liked Denzel Washington and Unstoppable better, thank you.

starfanglednut October 30, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I am very, very sad I clicked the linky.

RadioOcupados October 30, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Herman Cain is a cancer.

ttommyunger October 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Running for Pres must be super-cool! Galavanting around the Country first class on somebody else's dime… At the end of each and every Cain Commercial should be the phrase: "Yo Mama approved this message, mothafucka!".

MozakiBlocks October 30, 2011 at 6:51 pm

"Will no one rid us of this meddlesome pest?"

user-of-owls October 30, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Hey, give him a break. All the other Dadaists smoked too!

emmelemm October 31, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Da doo doo doo, da daa daa DAH…

user-of-owls October 30, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Republican primary voters deciding between Romney and Cain face a difficult choice:

Do I go with the white flip-flopper or the black one?

fitley October 30, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I hate to tell Cheese Choad but what he thinks his ad says, is not what his ad says.

HobbesEvilTwin October 30, 2011 at 8:28 pm

as a recent ex-smoker, I thank Block and Cain for reminding me of the stupidity and vileness of the habit.

Gone in 372 Days October 31, 2011 at 2:36 am

As a recent ex-socialist, I thank Skankette for reminding me of the stupidity and vileness of being a useful idiot.

OKthennext October 30, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Ken Layne, was that you in that writer's workshop on postmodernism?

El Pinche October 30, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Needs more Camel Joe to reel in the tranny and pink dildo vote.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 11:36 pm

I say it's genius: "Herman Cain is Herman Cain", therefore the rest of the field is not Herman Cain. Once the TeaTards buy into Herman, what are you gonna do? Argue that he's not Herman Cain?
Watch them leverage it against Mittens now: "Who is Mitt Romney today, and who will he be tomorrow?" "It's 10:00 PM — do you know who Mitt Romney is?" I'd also start giving away Mitt Romney flip flops at campaign events.

(Mitt is so slippery, it's hard to keep a grip on why I can't stand the guy.)

Negropolis October 30, 2011 at 11:53 pm

“One of the themes within this campaign is, let Herman be Herman,” he told CBS’ Bob Schieffer. “Mark Block is a smoker. We say, let Mark be Mark.

This has absolutely nothing to do with furthering Herman Cain's own campaign. This quote, here, makes absolutely no sense within the context of that. So what's the fucking point, then? I guess this is why Cain is a Republican. Nothing has to make sense in Republicanland. So long as you can lay claim to being the victim of a plot of some assumed sinister minority, nothing has to make sense in Blunderland.

I agree; let Herman be Herman. For the love of god let him be. Let him be Herman until it hurts him.

Acid is a helluva drug.

iburl October 31, 2011 at 12:27 am

"the evil opposite of cool, the anti-cool"

… Herman J. Cain got Noooo Elvis in him!

a_pink_poodle October 31, 2011 at 12:32 am

Did you hear Herman Cain's vile Nanny-Statist, liberal agenda tirade on banning smoking that'll ultimately lead to banning babies and Jesus?!

Gone in 372 Days October 31, 2011 at 2:13 am

I love it: Seems that the Commucrats of Skankette just can't BEAR getting a thumbs-down. So what's their answer? Why, just eliminate the thumbs-down button. That way, everybody gets more Socialist Gold Stars of Equality when everybody thumbs everybody else up. Why, that's just BRILLIANT, I tell you! Brilliant!

You're a sad, sad bunch of neo-Communists. Nothing says "clueless" quite like, "The 19th-century Marxism we espouse is just the cure for what ails us in the 21st century! After all, Komrade Klueless said so, so it MUST be true!"

Negropolis October 31, 2011 at 7:26 am

Bless your stupid, little heart. Nothing to say concerning the actual issue at hand, just cold bitching about a former feature of the blog.

EPIC Fail.

LiveToServeYa October 31, 2011 at 9:16 am

Yeah, whatta poopyhead.

TitsAkimbo October 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

STOP THE LIBUNACY!!!11!

BigDumbRedDog October 31, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Hey, turn that thumb back over and stick it up your bootie.

sausnetz October 31, 2011 at 7:50 am

what about that video for his theme song that pops up after the commercial – I am America, with that crazy looking lady…

greenpatches October 31, 2011 at 7:54 am

Herman Cain is actually an alter-ego of David Liebe Hart, conceived as part of an elaborate political performance art project by Tim and Eric.

SaintRond October 31, 2011 at 8:11 am

I've been reading these descriptions of American cuisine on Wonkette for several years now, and for some reason it's only now just occurred to me that it's uniquely brilliant.

Whoever is responsible needs to take a year long hiatus from Wonkette and write the great American cookbook. Maybe hire Robert Rodriguez to take the still photos, because of his excellent work showing all those mouth watering Tex-Mex recipes in all their paper plate glory. Translations in 60 languages would be nice too.

Fucking brilliant.

LiveToServeYa October 31, 2011 at 9:02 am

So does this mean he's more morally weak than Obama or less? Momoweak or lesmoweak?

riverside68 October 31, 2011 at 9:02 am

I see, among all the other dog whistles, an attack on women who stopped men smoking when ever and where ever they wanted with all this safety first BS.

The sly smile is "I am your negro and I am going to put the white man back on top, we are going back to smoking being a straight white man's right! (along with sex whenever he feels like it, and a little smacking around when people ask for it!)"

I think it is the best ad since LBJ's daisy girl.

Preacher_Griz October 31, 2011 at 9:49 am

The grinning negro means one of two things: either reparations are coming and there ain't a dang thing you can do to stop them, or it is a form of ocular copulation to create an army of extrasolar alien/human hybrids.

Preacher_Griz October 31, 2011 at 9:38 am

I am far more concerned about the grinning negro subliminal then I am concerned about the sad smoking child molester subliminal, because when you see a grinning negro, reparations aren't too far behind…

WunkRocker October 31, 2011 at 9:28 am

It is. True Romance is super. Brad Pitt's best film (arguably a low bar).
Also Ken, it only matters when the Kenyan Socialist Nazi strongman impotentate smokes.

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