jesusween

Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives

A couple of Tiffany pendants will finish the look nicely.Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital.

Remember his hit song, 'Me So Horny'?Sexy Assassinated Osama Bin Laden: Show your support of sexy “western values” with this slutty assassinated Bin Laden disguise. Anybody can be killed by the U.S. government at any time, for any reason — whether you’re a terrorist mastermind or just too sexy!

It's not okay to be this sexy.Sexy Ethnic Protesting People Using His/Her Cultural Costume As a Halloween Cultural Costume: One thing people don’t like this year is other people dressing in the “native costume” of other people. So, it’s no longer allowed to be a Sexy Indian Chief or a Sexy Rabbi or a Horny Eskimo or a Slutty Russian Hooker or anything like that. Instead, use this idea we stole from some insane comment on Metafilter, and make a “styrofoam box poster” of these “It’s Not Okay” posters, and then otherwise dress as an “Extra-dimensional whore from the Black and White Lodge.”

Remember when Elton John sang a song about this guy being killed by Arabs?Sexy Prince Harry the Nazi: You cannot make this costume sexy, because it involves inbred English/German “royalty” and the mockery of the Holocaust. But if you wear this costume, you are an actual gazillionaire “royal,” so good for you.

Oh bondage, up yours.Sexy Marcus Bachmann: Are you a portly closeted gay man running some scam-artist “I will fix you of Being Teh Ghey” clinic, and also the beard-spouse of an insane lady who is running for president? Then you are already so sexy, all you have to do is be Marcus Bachmann, or somehow get his head onto your sexy body! The possibilities are limitless/meaningless. Do it now.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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200 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm going to repeat the one I gave the other day, because I posted late and I don't think many saw it:

    I'm gonna make a hand puppet that looks like a Muslim terrorist, call him Lamb Chop Your Hand Off, and go as Sharia Lawis.

    sorry for the repeat, those of you that did see it…

  2. Indiepalin

    Rush Limbaugh has entire ad campaign selling costumes such as "El Rushbo" and other such flotsem. I prefer "PC" outfits, such as the mascot of the Washington Redskins or, better, Chief Wahoo.

    1. Occupy V572

      Ridiculing the culture we systematically destroyed as a matter of policy never gets old. "Here're some nice blankets for your people, Chief!"

      1. tessiee

        Hos are still relevant to anyone?
        Hos only Ho themselves, and don't pimp out their kids?
        Hos have at least some standards?

  3. SexySmurf

    I was going to market a sexy SexySmurf costume, but I was afraid it would be so sexy that people would die from exploding boners (and exploding girl boners).

    1. RavenRant

      On the lips of every Republican candidate and wingnut pundit.

      Interpret 'on the lips' as you will.

    2. Negropolis

      Somewhere terrorizing the children of Simi Valley, I'm sure.

      **beating his fist against the side of a foreclosure**

      "Tear down this wall!"

  4. Come here a minute

    Trick-or-Treating PRO TIP:

    1. Dress in whatever clothes are at the bottom of the dirty clothes pile.
    2. Write "Occupy Wall Street" on a piece of cardboard.
    3. Knock on a door in a fancy neighborhood.
    4. When the door is opened, instead of saying, "Trick or Treat!", just step into the foyer and sit down on your cardboard sign.

    HALLOWEEN ACCOMPLISHED!

  5. prommie

    I will be in the sincerest pumpkin patch in the world, waiting for the great pumpkin. I hate halloween, it is now the ghey christmas and new years all in one, and just like new years eve is when amatuer drinkers drink, halloween is now when amatuers try to go "camp" and trashy and sexy and be hot messes, and its just so vulgar.

        1. tessiee

          *folds hands reverently*
          Let us all remember and never forget what really matters… It is all about the sluttage.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Would the more appropos way to spend it, to your manner of thinking, be akin to a well-stocked bar/ salon, not overrun with excess noise or zombie traffic, yet where the women come and go / talking of Michelangelo Edgar Allan Poe?

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Slutty people do not appreciate everyone dressing like us on all Hallow's either. Can I get one of those signs? I'm a slut, not your halloween costume?
      Also, there's this Booing "tradition" that someone (Zombie Martha Stewart?) just made up about putting baskets of stuff on people's porches, have you heard of this? It's just entirely anti-gamahoochian. It's way precious though, that is for sure. You get a sign and everything for your door to go next to your Halloween WREATH because it IS the Nightmare Christmas.

      1. prommie

        The word, "gamahooch," I love it because it expresses the sheer joyful enthusiasm with which I tend to throw myself into the act; its like yelling "Geronimo" before going down.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          You must have incredible aim.
          I wonder what would happen if I started yelling something before going down on anything. That sounds awesome/terrorizing (depending on the thing yelled I suppose. Geronimo would make me happy I think. Echo echo echo is off limits, but otherwise…)

          1. prommie

            It was 60 second before that post, its just one post down, right below this thread, responding to someone's expression of angst.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            That was good usage. Of course, yelling "Blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch, who watches over you?" at someone's hoo-ha woulda been good too.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet. SAY IT.
            (what the fuck is that? It sounds like a bad thing to me.)

          4. FakaktaSouth

            Hear my words, they're the ones you would think I would say

            And the truth is we don't know anything

    3. tessiee

      "I hate halloween, it is now the ghey christmas"

      *sound of game show buzzer*
      ENNNNTTT!
      Halloween is not the ghey christmas, it is the satan christmas.

  6. emmelemm

    a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate

    Quit reading my diary, Ken Layne!

    1. prommie

      I resemble that remark as well. Though I have to admit I am more afraid of snapping and quitting than of getting fired, if I get fired, I can get unemployment.

      1. emmelemm

        My job does have its good points, and I do have health insurance; I wouldn't exactly call it "golden handcuffs", cuz I don't make that much money, but it's certainly "eating on a regular basis and going to the doctor" handcuffs.

        But it's "unfulfilling" and I am "dead inside". Whah whah, poor me.

          1. emmelemm

            Is that a Richard Gere type comment?

            Or is that a "you need a friend" comment? I have a dog. He's my best friend and the only one who understands me. He looks remarkably like the dog in your avatar. He's also 16 years old and in very failing health, and sucking up all my disposable income in his vet bills.

            Hmm, a gerbil would certainly be cheaper.

          1. RavenRant

            Wonkette's dirty little secret: Under all the snark and buttsex, there's a bunch of people who care about and for each other.

            Don't tell anyone I spilled the hobo beans.

          1. tessiee

            Cautionary, schmautionary.
            Plenty of people who never did the "excess and self-indulgence" thing got thrown in the garbage can by their corporate overlords the exact same way that I did. I may be a failure now, but before I was a failure, I did what I wanted to do, so fuck 'em.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around…and prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.

        1. tessiee

          "But it's "unfulfilling" and I am "dead inside". Whah whah, poor me."

          Some people have found it refreshing to write up a long, wordy, whiney rant about how *THEY* pay for everything, and if everybody didn't bow down and kiss their rich ass, there wouldn't be any jerbs for the third grade teachers and yardwork-doing browns, so if everyone doesn't get with the program, they're gonna take their toys and go home, SO THERE!

          Oh, wait, that's for people who are "dead inside" and also "have a grotesque, unearned, sense of entitlement". Probably not you, huh?

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I was going to go as a giant boob, but then I figured everyone would confuse me with the writing staff of NRO.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "One thing people don’t like this year is other people dressing in the “native costume” of other people."

    I'm going to wear the dishdasha I had made when I was in Kuwait. I live in Heavy Republican-ville, so I should not get in any PC trouble. Though I might get shot.

  9. Billmatic

    I'm going as undead zombie child eating Michelle Bachmann

    And for your information it is not at all differenent from my "regular, living" Michelle Bachmann costume. Well other than the baby doll with the big bitemark in it.

    1. Mapmonger

      Is that a
      Zombie, child-eating, Michele Bachmann
      or is it a
      Zombie child, eating Michele Bachmann? Because each is funny in its own way.

      1. SorosBot

        Being married to Marcus I'm pretty sure Michele has never been eaten; that's probably the source of some of the crazy.

  10. weejee

    The hawt Wall Street trader costume is to wear a condom stretched over the head like a stocking cap and going to the party as a dick. Well, yes one might wonder if that is a costume at all.

    1. Occupy V572

      The current vogue for shaved skulls among balding white men of a certain age is a reliable indicator of dickery. Yes Alec "Bald"win said going bald with dignity is a myth, but shaving your head is uncool unless you happen to be Michael Jordan.

      1. RavenRant

        Dickish or not, for Donald Trump it would be an infinite improvement. And it wouldn't be possible for him to become a bigger dick.

      2. tessiee

        "The current vogue for shaved skulls among balding white men of a certain age is a reliable indicator of dickery"

        Meh, some guys can rock the look, and some can't.
        It's like every other trend; it doesn't necessarily look good on everyone who adopts it.

        1. Occupy V572

          Not saying it can't look good (depends on skull structure?), just that most who affect it tend to be jerks. Don't know why, only backed up by anecdata. Like the well-known Short Man Syndrome.

  11. jus_wonderin

    I am already an alien in human form, so I might just lower the attenuation on my human cloaking disquise and walk around naked, so to speak. Thus letting down my alien hair.

    Of course, everybody will know it is me with my NPR coffee mug in my suction claw.

  12. succalina

    I'm going as David Wu in his tiger suit. Not sure if I can handle the other suit he has worn: that of a gross old man (him) having sexy time with an 18 yr old daughter of a campaign donor. Ugh.

  13. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I was going to go as a Wisconsin legislator, but I'd probably get taken out by the cops within 5 minutes. And my Madoff mask just got me egged something awful, last year. I'd stuff dollar bills in my pockets, and go out as Mittens, but the damned 99% would just grab the money, being all greedy and lazy nowadays.

    A sombrero, and a ladder … I think that's the ticket this year … so long as I carry my papers.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Nothing to it:
        Paste in the link, hit save, then hit edit.
        Your link shows up twice, with a bunch of html gibberish around it.
        Replace the second link (everything between > and < ) with whatever you want to appear in your post, and save again. Voila! We are impressed!

        1. RavenRant

          I'm ashamed at how slow I've been to learn this stuff.

          I am a former assembly language programmer.

  14. poncho_pilot

    i don't it'd be too difficult to get Marcus's head on your body if you're a guy. probably all you have to do is ask.

  15. tihond

    My partner and I are doing couples costumes… I'm going as Henry Kissinger and he's going as Robert Evans.

    1. prommie

      I love Robert Evans. He has been revived and become an icon and a god because of this wave of Pan Am and Mad Men inspired Sexism Nostalgia that is sweeping the nation. Ahh, remember the double standard, and treating women as sex objects, and quid-pro-quo sexual harrassment as one of the perks of having a powerful job? Ah, good times.

  16. Goonemeritus

    I’ll be handing out candy all night and if any Ron Paul’s impersonators show up I will be handing them gold painted rocks.

    1. RavenRant

      If your handing out rocks, you might want to board up the windows. Although, the changes of children dressing as Ron Paul strike me as vanishingly small. So you'll have nice pile of decorative gold painted rocks left over.

  17. MaxNeanderthal

    Get yourself up as Discworld's Death and crash your local Teaparty'weener's party. When they ask what you're there for, you say "YOU KNOW THE SAYING ABOUT THE ONLY TWO CERTAIN THINGS IN LIFE ARE DEATH AND TAXES? I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR MONEY…"

  18. Occupy V572

    No good ideas in this month's Tranny Hunters, or do you just read it for the articles as I do?

  19. Antispandex

    "Prime Minister David Cameron, (on) Friday called for the stalemate to be resolved. He said he supported the right to protest, but this did not include "the freedom to pitch a tent almost anywhere you want to in London."

    I just found this quote in another story, and it has inspired me to dress as David Cameron…pitching a tent.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Don't forget to add the condom on your shaved head so your audience will know without a doubt that Willie is a dick.

  20. Allmighty_Manos

    I'm going as a Wall Street trader which consists of pissing in everyone's drinks, picking their pockets and then gettiing outraged when someone confronts me on it.

  21. DaRooster

    I'm gonna go as Governturd Walker… been a while since I've been in a good donnybrook… although there would be too many of them.

        1. emmelemm

          As I look out the window… it's raining right now.

          Shut up elitist! Your office has a window? Yeah, yeah it does.

          1. tessiee

            "Your office has a window?"

            You have an office??
            You lucky BASTARD!!
            I have a windowless basement with poop on the floor!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        One of his guys muffed an easy out in Game 6 that would have won the Series? Us Boston fans ain't gonna be too sympathetic.

        That was a mind-boggler of a game last night.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        By very slightly sweat-stained size twelve Blahniks owned by a tranny dominatrix who lovingly applies them to my waiting ass. Wait, what?

  22. An_Outhouse

    I'm going as sexy headless Ronald Reagan and I'm bringing my little dog all dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

  23. proudgrampa

    To paraphrase Robert Benchley, I am getting out of wearing a costume tonight and getting into a nice, dry martini.

  24. RadioOcupados

    Calista G. would be perfect as a Holocaust survivor. And then say any resemblance to a Jew s totally coincidence.

  25. OneYieldRegular

    One member of my household is dressing up for Halloween as Valerie Solanas wearing a burqa. Of course, no one will know it's Valerie Solanas under that thing, but that's sort of her point.

  26. WhatTheHeck

    Jesus Christ, Ken. That image on top. I just this minute returned from lunch.
    I hope your photoshop takes a dump.

  27. Pat_Pending

    I wanted me and my husband to go as Sonny and Cher. He won't do the wig and heels. Stupid fuck.

  28. RavenRant

    Go as a big fat cat in a business suit, with a sock puppet representing the politician of your choice.

    Or the monocled, top-hatted guy from Monopoly would also work.

  29. Isyaignert

    Some people are cutting out that creepy Michele Bachmann Newsweak cover to use as a mask. It's just about the right size. Cut out the eyes so you don't run into anything, but you'll have to look crazy all night. Tequila or Ouzo should help.

  30. littlebigdaddy

    I am disturbed, because I have asked all my FB friends (I have no real ones) what I should be for Halloween (Jebusween) and they all say "the dude." I mean, I know how a rug can pull together a room, but I am not that good a bowler.

  31. littlebigdaddy

    Ken, if you have that 1(1) issue of Gay Bondage, my guess is it's worth big bucks. Maybe try to sell it next summer in Tampa? Keep the Wonkette going for another couple of years prolly.

  32. ttommyunger

    Actually, Halloween is the only day of the year I don't get a lot of strange looks…Sorry, you have to know me to get this.

  33. Negropolis

    What? No "Sexy Herbert Hoover" costume or "Eric Can't-or-Won't" or "Zombie Winehouse"?

    I so want to crash a party as "Occupy Wall Street" and just shut the whole operation down. You know, just cold show up with a group of strangers you've collected off the street and hold a General Assembly in someone's home and vote them and their guest right out of their own home.

    1. tessiee

      ""Zombie Winehouse"?"

      Wouldn't "zombie Winehouse" be sorta like "zombie Keith Richards"? I mean, who'd know?

    1. Negropolis

      Or, you could be that "fucking Indiana" state legislator who paid for the rentboy that locked himself in the hotel bathroom.

      So many possibilities, my friend. Indiana, Wisconsin, Ohio, your choice.

  34. DanCMH

    This year for the office Halloween event I'm going as Mitt Romney. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am…

  35. ghblowhard

    I'm going as the Singing Nun .."Dominique, nique, nique s'en allait tout simplement
    Routier pauvre et chantant…"

  36. BaldarTFlagass

    I dunno, with the idiots I'm surrounded by all I'd get would be Elizabeth Taylor jokes in return.

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