Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital.
Sexy Assassinated Osama Bin Laden: Show your support of sexy “western values” with this slutty assassinated Bin Laden disguise. Anybody can be killed by the U.S. government at any time, for any reason — whether you’re a terrorist mastermind or just too sexy!
Sexy Ethnic Protesting People Using His/Her Cultural Costume As a Halloween Cultural Costume: One thing people don’t like this year is other people dressing in the “native costume” of other people. So, it’s no longer allowed to be a Sexy Indian Chief or a Sexy Rabbi or a Horny Eskimo or a Slutty Russian Hooker or anything like that. Instead, use this idea we stole from some insane comment on Metafilter, and make a “styrofoam box poster” of these “It’s Not Okay” posters, and then otherwise dress as an “Extra-dimensional whore from the Black and White Lodge.”
Sexy Prince Harry the Nazi: You cannot make this costume sexy, because it involves inbred English/German “royalty” and the mockery of the Holocaust. But if you wear this costume, you are an actual gazillionaire “royal,” so good for you.
Sexy Marcus Bachmann: Are you a portly closeted gay man running some scam-artist “I will fix you of Being Teh Ghey” clinic, and also the beard-spouse of an insane lady who is running for president? Then you are already so sexy, all you have to do is be Marcus Bachmann, or somehow get his head onto your sexy body! The possibilities are limitless/meaningless. Do it now.