Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital.
Sexy Assassinated Osama Bin Laden: Show your support of sexy “western values” with this slutty assassinated Bin Laden disguise. Anybody can be killed by the U.S. government at any time, for any reason — whether you’re a terrorist mastermind or just too sexy!
Sexy Ethnic Protesting People Using His/Her Cultural Costume As a Halloween Cultural Costume: One thing people don’t like this year is other people dressing in the “native costume” of other people. So, it’s no longer allowed to be a Sexy Indian Chief or a Sexy Rabbi or a Horny Eskimo or a Slutty Russian Hooker or anything like that. Instead, use this idea we stole from some insane comment on Metafilter, and make a “styrofoam box poster” of these “It’s Not Okay” posters, and then otherwise dress as an “Extra-dimensional whore from the Black and White Lodge.”
Sexy Prince Harry the Nazi: You cannot make this costume sexy, because it involves inbred English/German “royalty” and the mockery of the Holocaust. But if you wear this costume, you are an actual gazillionaire “royal,” so good for you.
Sexy Marcus Bachmann: Are you a portly closeted gay man running some scam-artist “I will fix you of Being Teh Ghey” clinic, and also the beard-spouse of an insane lady who is running for president? Then you are already so sexy, all you have to do is be Marcus Bachmann, or somehow get his head onto your sexy body! The possibilities are limitless/meaningless. Do it now.
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I'm going as Sexy Herman the Hutt
I hope you have a slave Princess Vespa to go with that!
And may the Schwartz be With You.
Coming as Michele Bachmannn is scary enough.
Cumming anywhere near BacMan is impossible….
It's a power up for Marcus. Then he turns around and eats you.
"Coming as Michele Bachmannn is scary enough."
Worst. Pun. Ever.
Newt killed Knut.
I'm going to repeat the one I gave the other day, because I posted late and I don't think many saw it:
I'm gonna make a hand puppet that looks like a Muslim terrorist, call him Lamb Chop Your Hand Off, and go as Sharia Lawis.
sorry for the repeat, those of you that did see it…
Thank Goddess I didn't miss this.
Whenever I think of Lamb Chop, I always think of this South Park clip.
I liked it then, I like it now.
Sharia "Warrior Princess" Lawless would be even better.
Rush Limbaugh has entire ad campaign selling costumes such as "El Rushbo" and other such flotsem. I prefer "PC" outfits, such as the mascot of the Washington Redskins or, better, Chief Wahoo.
Don't forget the
latezombie Chief Illiniwek.Ridiculing the culture we systematically destroyed as a matter of policy never gets old. "Here're some nice blankets for your people, Chief!"
My wife wanted to be either Sarah Palin, or a Ho. I'm thinking…both?
The Ho, people won't respect you otherwise…
I'm really slow today – can someone explain the difference to me?
Ho's go away after they get paid.
Hos don't quit 1/2 way through.
Hos earn their money.
You all are diamonds, pure, non-conflict whore-diamonds. Sarah Palin? Fool's gold.
Hos are still relevant to anyone?
Hos only Ho themselves, and don't pimp out their kids?
Hos have at least some standards?
Ho Chi Minh? Hot!
If she wants to be Lou Sarah, she's gonna need a turkey and a meat grinder, too.
In either case, make sure she remembers to carry a big enough bag to stuff the money in.
All of them, Katie. (I can't believe no one said it after 8 replies!)
I was going to market a sexy SexySmurf costume, but I was afraid it would be so sexy that people would die from exploding boners (and exploding girl boners).
Where is Zombie Reagan???
On the lips of every Republican candidate and wingnut pundit.
Interpret 'on the lips' as you will.
Dead, praise Jeebus.
Somewhere terrorizing the children of Simi Valley, I'm sure.
**beating his fist against the side of a foreclosure**
"Tear down this wall!"
In the white house for at least 4 and possibly as many as 8 years.
Wow – you got Volume 1, Number 1.
I'm impressed!
It is NOT ok to dress up as a sexy pet Cat!
So Newt's too sexy for his shirt; so sexy, it hurts?
It hurts my eyes.
Trick-or-Treating PRO TIP:
1. Dress in whatever clothes are at the bottom of the dirty clothes pile.
2. Write "Occupy Wall Street" on a piece of cardboard.
3. Knock on a door in a fancy neighborhood.
4. When the door is opened, instead of saying, "Trick or Treat!", just step into the foyer and sit down on your cardboard sign.
HALLOWEEN ACCOMPLISHED!
Sending you a treat bag full of imaginary p for that idea.
I will be in the sincerest pumpkin patch in the world, waiting for the great pumpkin. I hate halloween, it is now the ghey christmas and new years all in one, and just like new years eve is when amatuer drinkers drink, halloween is now when amatuers try to go "camp" and trashy and sexy and be hot messes, and its just so vulgar.
it is now the ghey christmas
The egg nog tastes sticky.
It's the day for young women to get dressed up in super-slutty outfits, and I for one love it.
Yes. The true meaning of Halloween.
*folds hands reverently*
Let us all remember and never forget what really matters… It is all about the sluttage.
it is now the ghey christmas
Which apparently makes Easter the ghey hallowe'en.
I thought that was Gheybor Day?
Would the more appropos way to spend it, to your manner of thinking, be akin to a well-stocked bar/ salon, not overrun with excess noise or zombie traffic, yet where the women come and go / talking of
MichelangeloEdgar Allan Poe?Slutty people do not appreciate everyone dressing like us on all Hallow's either. Can I get one of those signs? I'm a slut, not your halloween costume?
Also, there's this Booing "tradition" that someone (Zombie Martha Stewart?) just made up about putting baskets of stuff on people's porches, have you heard of this? It's just entirely anti-gamahoochian. It's way precious though, that is for sure. You get a sign and everything for your door to go next to your Halloween WREATH because it IS the Nightmare Christmas.
Gamahoochian!
The word, "gamahooch," I love it because it expresses the sheer joyful enthusiasm with which I tend to throw myself into the act; its like yelling "Geronimo" before going down.
You must have incredible aim.
I wonder what would happen if I started yelling something before going down on anything. That sounds awesome/terrorizing (depending on the thing yelled I suppose. Geronimo would make me happy I think. Echo echo echo is off limits, but otherwise…)
I just quoted TMBG!
Thar she blows!?
"I hate halloween, it is now the ghey christmas"
*sound of game show buzzer*
ENNNNTTT!
Halloween is not the ghey christmas, it is the satan christmas.
a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate
Quit reading my diary, Ken Layne!
I resemble that remark as well. Though I have to admit I am more afraid of snapping and quitting than of getting fired, if I get fired, I can get unemployment.
My job does have its good points, and I do have health insurance; I wouldn't exactly call it "golden handcuffs", cuz I don't make that much money, but it's certainly "eating on a regular basis and going to the doctor" handcuffs.
But it's "unfulfilling" and I am "dead inside". Whah whah, poor me.
Emme, you need to get a pet gerbil.
Is that a Richard Gere type comment?
Or is that a "you need a friend" comment? I have a dog. He's my best friend and the only one who understands me. He looks remarkably like the dog in your avatar. He's also 16 years old and in very failing health, and sucking up all my disposable income in his vet bills.
Hmm, a gerbil would certainly be cheaper.
But you blossom like a precious snark-flower here on Wonkette.
Snark-flower! Aw! My Friday is lookin' up, people. Looking UP!
If only I could self-actualize…
Everybody dies frustrated and sad and that is beautiful.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I would be content if my life could be used as a cautionary tale of excess and self-indulgence.
I just want a rock to wind a piece of string around.
"But it's "unfulfilling" and I am "dead inside". Whah whah, poor me."
Some people have found it refreshing to write up a long, wordy, whiney rant about how *THEY* pay for everything, and if everybody didn't bow down and kiss their rich ass, there wouldn't be any jerbs for the third grade teachers and yardwork-doing browns, so if everyone doesn't get with the program, they're gonna take their toys and go home, SO THERE!
Oh, wait, that's for people who are "dead inside" and also "have a grotesque, unearned, sense of entitlement". Probably not you, huh?
Needz moar Jesusween. Whatever the fu*k that is.
It's what was left over after his bris.
I was going to go as a giant boob, but then I figured everyone would confuse me with the writing staff of NRO.
That and everyone would want to keep touching you. Ewwww.
Plus, after about the tenth time somebody asked you, "Got milk?", it would really get on your nerves.
OT, but one of my favorites.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/149026/nicks-co…
"One thing people don’t like this year is other people dressing in the “native costume” of other people."
I'm going to wear the dishdasha I had made when I was in Kuwait. I live in Heavy Republican-ville, so I should not get in any PC trouble. Though I might get shot.
What are the official teabagger approved "Jeebusween" costumes?
Shroud
http://www.shroudofturin4journalists.com/pantoc25…
Headless Ronald Reagan.
Knee pads
A bunch of old English guys, apparently.
I'm going as undead zombie child eating Michelle Bachmann
And for your information it is not at all differenent from my "regular, living" Michelle Bachmann costume. Well other than the baby doll with the big bitemark in it.
Is that a
Zombie, child-eating, Michele Bachmann
or is it a
Zombie child, eating Michele Bachmann? Because each is funny in its own way.
Being married to Marcus I'm pretty sure Michele has never been eaten; that's probably the source of some of the crazy.
The hawt Wall Street trader costume is to wear a condom stretched over the head like a stocking cap and going to the party as a dick. Well, yes one might wonder if that is a costume at all.
The current vogue for shaved skulls among balding white men of a certain age is a reliable indicator of dickery. Yes Alec "Bald"win said going bald with dignity is a myth, but shaving your head is uncool unless you happen to be Michael Jordan.
Surprised Ken didn't Photoshop this one for the purrfect Newtie costume. Too slender?
Ack! Not safe for dreams!
Dickish or not, for Donald Trump it would be an infinite improvement. And it wouldn't be possible for him to become a bigger dick.
"The current vogue for shaved skulls among balding white men of a certain age is a reliable indicator of dickery"
Meh, some guys can rock the look, and some can't.
It's like every other trend; it doesn't necessarily look good on everyone who adopts it.
Not saying it can't look good (depends on skull structure?), just that most who affect it tend to be jerks. Don't know why, only backed up by anecdata. Like the well-known Short Man Syndrome.
I am already an alien in human form, so I might just lower the attenuation on my human cloaking disquise and walk around naked, so to speak. Thus letting down my alien hair.
Of course, everybody will know it is me with my NPR coffee mug in my suction claw.
I do have to say that I would so hit that dead Osama. With a bag over his head, of course.
Hey, you don't look at the mantlepiece while you're stirring the fire.
One shot in the head, and now…. a little lower!
He was a butter-face.
Nice body butter-face
I'm going as a sexy stock trader, and then take everyone's jerbs!!!!111!!
Watch out!
You're a warped unit Ken.
I'm going as David Wu in his tiger suit. Not sure if I can handle the other suit he has worn: that of a gross old man (him) having sexy time with an 18 yr old daughter of a campaign donor. Ugh.
I was going to go as a Wisconsin legislator, but I'd probably get taken out by the cops within 5 minutes. And my Madoff mask just got me egged something awful, last year. I'd stuff dollar bills in my pockets, and go out as Mittens, but the damned 99% would just grab the money, being all greedy and lazy nowadays.
A sombrero, and a ladder … I think that's the ticket this year … so long as I carry my papers.
You could go as 'teabagger mistletoe':
http://wonkette.com/454871/herman-cains-dumb-ille…
Dang, I need to finally learn HTML.
Nothing to it:
Paste in the link, hit save, then hit edit.
Your link shows up twice, with a bunch of html gibberish around it.
Replace the second link (everything between > and < ) with whatever you want to appear in your post, and save again. Voila! We are impressed!
Thank you. Here goes:
Biel_ze_Bubba's Halloween Costume
Yay!
I'm ashamed at how slow I've been to learn this stuff.
I am a former assembly language programmer.
i don't it'd be too difficult to get Marcus's head on your body if you're a guy. probably all you have to do is ask.
My partner and I are doing couples costumes… I'm going as Henry Kissinger and he's going as Robert Evans.
Just great. *I* wanted to go as Robert Evans. Now I guess I'll have to go as Ali McGraw.
I love Robert Evans. He has been revived and become an icon and a god because of this wave of Pan Am and Mad Men inspired Sexism Nostalgia that is sweeping the nation. Ahh, remember the double standard, and treating women as sex objects, and quid-pro-quo sexual harrassment as one of the perks of having a powerful job? Ah, good times.
Probably the same old costume for me
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jUXz0SEFIy4/SvrS0JXPOgI…
or maybe
http://thehotglove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06…
You've been following me around on Saturdays again.
I'm usually not sober enough to follow anyone around.
You've linked to my family photos.
*tears*
Funniest take on candy corn ever by Lewis Black:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BVPOEn6_oY
Kills me every time I hear it.
I'd rather eat the corn out of a turd than eat candy corn.
You can probably get some wingnut politician pay you plenty to watch that.
I’m going to go as Ronald McDonald only my clothes will be ripped and dirty and I’ll have a big paper bag of food that says eat shit and die on it.
I’ll be handing out candy all night and if any Ron Paul’s impersonators show up I will be handing them gold painted rocks.
I'm handing out edible bibles. They tastes like lies.
If your handing out rocks, you might want to board up the windows. Although, the changes of children dressing as Ron Paul strike me as vanishingly small. So you'll have nice pile of decorative gold painted rocks left over.
Get yourself up as Discworld's Death and crash your local Teaparty'weener's party. When they ask what you're there for, you say "YOU KNOW THE SAYING ABOUT THE ONLY TWO CERTAIN THINGS IN LIFE ARE DEATH AND TAXES? I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR MONEY…"
I just found out there are a few Discworld movies
Jermy Irons! Tim Curry! Christopher Lee (as the voice of Death)!!!
Hysterical stuff, and well worth watching.
No good ideas in this month's Tranny Hunters, or do you just read it for the articles as I do?
Trannies are the most dangerous game.
Dracula would agree.
wait…
what??
"Prime Minister David Cameron, (on) Friday called for the stalemate to be resolved. He said he supported the right to protest, but this did not include "the freedom to pitch a tent almost anywhere you want to in London."
I just found this quote in another story, and it has inspired me to dress as David Cameron…pitching a tent.
David William Donald Cameron? Or Willie, as he is known to really close friends.
Don't forget to add the condom on your shaved head so your audience will know without a doubt that Willie is a dick.
Or you could show up without a shirt and say you just came in your pants.
Maybe I'll go as a Republican idea for creating jobs or a ghost, same thing really.
Wouldn't you have to not show up?
It is NOT ok to dress up as a sexy White person!
Unsexy, crazy Callista Gingrich with a giant axe:
http://sparklepony.blogspot.com/2011/10/quickie-c…
Heeeer's Johnny!
Even Nicholson can't compete with Callista in the 'crazy eyes' event. She even beat 'One L'.
HOLY Shitake Mushrooms, Batman!
I love Sparkle Pony.
I'm dressing up as an imperfectly photoshopped image.
Pixel Libul!!!!
I'm going as a Wall Street trader which consists of pissing in everyone's drinks, picking their pockets and then gettiing outraged when someone confronts me on it.
I could dress up as your leaflet and you could continuously drop me on other party goers.
I'm gonna go as Governturd Walker… been a while since I've been in a good donnybrook… although there would be too many of them.
I like my costumes with ambiguity. Is it the StayPuft Marshmellow man or Newt?
I can still go as Sexy Klansman, right? Or no?
Don't forget your pink remote control dildo!
I'm going as Nelson Cruz,dropping a fly by the wall,COSTING ME 40 Large,fucking CUNT.
As a Cubs fan you will get no love from Baconz! October 14, 2003 NEVER FORGET!
As an Ms fan, not much sympathy from here. It's not constant rain in C'Addle, it's tears.
As I look out the window… it's raining right now.
Shut up elitist! Your office has a window? Yeah, yeah it does.
"Your office has a window?"
You have an office??
You lucky BASTARD!!
I have a windowless basement with poop on the floor!
One of his guys muffed an easy out in Game 6 that would have won the Series? Us Boston fans ain't gonna be too sympathetic.
That was a mind-boggler of a game last night.
A sexy bloodied Qaddafi in his last minutes…too soon?
Getting sodomized, too, also.
Depends … do you enjoy being beaten with shoes?
By very slightly sweat-stained size twelve Blahniks owned by a tranny dominatrix who lovingly applies them to my waiting ass. Wait, what?
I'm going as sexy headless Ronald Reagan and I'm bringing my little dog all dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.
I'm celebrating JesusWeen by wearing a Judas costume.
I'm celebrating JesusWeen by drinking a lot and occasionally exasperating "Jesus K-rist!"
I'm going as my neighbor's grampa (I've seen him but I don't him). Creepy is Halloween!
To paraphrase Robert Benchley, I am getting out of wearing a costume tonight and getting into a nice, dry martini.
Calista G. would be perfect as a Holocaust survivor. And then say any resemblance to a Jew s totally coincidence.
One member of my household is dressing up for Halloween as Valerie Solanas wearing a burqa. Of course, no one will know it's Valerie Solanas under that thing, but that's sort of her point.
Jesus Christ, Ken. That image on top. I just this minute returned from lunch.
I hope your photoshop takes a dump.
"I hope your photoshop takes a dump."
Judging by the pictures, I think it already did.
I like dogs more than most people I know. Except a few blue dogs.
I wanted me and my husband to go as Sonny and Cher. He won't do the wig and heels. Stupid fuck.
You didn't really want to listen to him belting out "Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves", did you?
Go as a big fat cat in a business suit, with a sock puppet representing the politician of your choice.
Or the monocled, top-hatted guy from Monopoly would also work.
Jesus Christ, after seeing those images, I may never have sex again…
Some people are cutting out that creepy Michele Bachmann Newsweak cover to use as a mask. It's just about the right size. Cut out the eyes so you don't run into anything, but you'll have to look crazy all night. Tequila or Ouzo should help.
I am disturbed, because I have asked all my FB friends (I have no real ones) what I should be for Halloween (Jebusween) and they all say "the dude." I mean, I know how a rug can pull together a room, but I am not that good a bowler.
Ken, if you have that 1(1) issue of Gay Bondage, my guess is it's worth big bucks. Maybe try to sell it next summer in Tampa? Keep the Wonkette going for another couple of years prolly.
Actually, Halloween is the only day of the year I don't get a lot of strange looks…Sorry, you have to know me to get this.
What? No "Sexy Herbert Hoover" costume or "Eric Can't-or-Won't" or "Zombie Winehouse"?
I so want to crash a party as "Occupy Wall Street" and just shut the whole operation down. You know, just cold show up with a group of strangers you've collected off the street and hold a General Assembly in someone's home and vote them and their guest right out of their own home.
""Zombie Winehouse"?"
Wouldn't "zombie Winehouse" be sorta like "zombie Keith Richards"? I mean, who'd know?
I'm going as an Ohio state legislator. I'll have a few too many drinks, pick up a stripper and get caught on the way to the hotel.
In fucking Indiana.
Or, you could be that "fucking Indiana" state legislator who paid for the rentboy that locked himself in the hotel bathroom.
So many possibilities, my friend. Indiana, Wisconsin, Ohio, your choice.
Lazy this year…a Star Trek "red shirt."
"If you beam down in red, you're dead." We went with blue and gold shirts.
I can't wait for Blovember.
Let the 3 month drunk begin!!
Zombie Steve Jobs?
Too soon?
This year for the office Halloween event I'm going as Mitt Romney. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am…
I'm going as the Singing Nun .."Dominique, nique, nique s'en allait tout simplement
Routier pauvre et chantant…"
that was some funny stuff !
WHEN? Depending on your answer, I may die.
Noooooooo. Yoddeling, also no.
It was 60 second before that post, its just one post down, right below this thread, responding to someone's expression of angst.
Yo Ho Blow the man down?
Excelsior!
That was good usage. Of course, yelling "Blue canary in the outlet by the lightswitch, who watches over you?" at someone's hoo-ha woulda been good too.
Wonkette's dirty little secret: Under all the snark and buttsex, there's a bunch of people who care about and for each other.
Don't tell anyone I spilled the hobo beans.
Hey, you're not the boss of me. Not to put too fine a point on it.
YES.
Excalibur! Cept that might lead to overly forceful pulling.
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet. SAY IT.
(what the fuck is that? It sounds like a bad thing to me.)
Shall we bask in the glow of each other's majestic presence?
Hear my words, they're the ones you would think I would say
And the truth is we don't know anything
I dunno, with the idiots I'm surrounded by all I'd get would be Elizabeth Taylor jokes in return.
Don't, don't, don't let's start.
This is the worst part.
Cautionary, schmautionary.
Plenty of people who never did the "excess and self-indulgence" thing got thrown in the garbage can by their corporate overlords the exact same way that I did. I may be a failure now, but before I was a failure, I did what I wanted to do, so fuck 'em.
And this chair…
And this thermos…
Everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around…and prosthetic foreheads on their real heads.
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