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You know they have commenter sections on Fox News for this crap, right?

Last week the smug oddballs at the Chicago Board of Trade were dumping cryptic leaflets on the Occupy Chicago protesters mysteriously proclaiming with all the rhetorical precision of Chuck Grassley’s Twitter feed to be the “1% paying for this.” But one turd floating in the swimming pool is never enough, right?, so our anonymous chicken shit trader is back loosing a whole stream of word-diarrhea threatening to eat elementary school teachers and leave bad tips at restaurants. Yikes. Cocaine is not breakfast food, children!

You do not actually need to understand economics to be a trader, which is presumably with this nervous little feces-flinger’s limited imagination of all the other employees in America consists of workers who mow his lawn and wash his fancy car, and, apparently, evil teachers snuck in there somehow (thanks, Wisconsin!).

Back in “reality,” the relentless march of income inequality fueled by decades of increasingly shitty wages, the breakdown of unions, decimated retirement funds, rising health care costs, blah blah blah have forced all-time high numbers of people to seek public assistance in spite of spending entire lifetimes working the same grueling long hours — Americans lead the world in labor productivity — that this douche bag trader believes he and he alone works for all his precious monies.

From Bloomberg:

A record 49 percent of Americans live in a household where someone receives at least one type of government benefit, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. And 63 percent of all federal spending this year will consist of checks written to individuals for which the government receives currently no services, the White House budget office estimates. That’s up from 46 percent in 1975 and 18 percent in 1940.

Right. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG. [Raw Story/ Bloomberg]

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  • nounverb911

    Needs more John Galt.

  • user-of-owls

    Too oligarchic, did not read.

    • Geminisunmars

      Too owligarchic. (Yes, I'm now stalking you, Owls.)

      • user-of-owls

        And I'm squawking you, Gemini.

        • not that Dewey

          Stop it, now! All three of you!

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          Dude, she does NOT want you to post Twitter pics of your cloaca!

        • Geminisunmars

          Ummm, that's some fine squawking. I can't tell you how long it's been since I was last squawked.

          • Dok-cupy Everything

            Please, you two! Get a gilded cage!

          • A cage aux folles?

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, no kidding. Translation? 'Cause, I don't speak Robber-Baron.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Font too small and single spaced, did not read.

    • Not_So_Much

      If Fox could just put this in a graphic showing how it affects 193% of the population, I might take a look.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      No need to read past the first two sentences.
      When you exist to make money, the rest of it just follows.

    • GFPcat

      If it's not in ALL CAPS then they're not serious.

  • memzilla

    I'm sure going to buy stock in Consolidated Knitting Needle, Amalgamated Yarn, and United DeFarge Mills, because they'll be going through the roof when the guillotine blade finally puts an end to these a**hats and their pernicious, self-serving manifestos of greed.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Don't be absurd. Nobody reads anymore, so they won't know about the knitting thing. Consolidated Torch and Pitchfork is where the smart money is going.

  • Ali Davis

    He thinks teachers make $85,000 a year?

    • hagajim

      Yeah right – on what planet?

    • PubOption

      He probably can't imagine how anyone could make that little money!

    • Generation[redacted]

      And he doesn't know how they survive on such a pittance. But if teachers, laborers, and gardeners can live on just $85k so can he. Yeah there's someone ready for the real world.

      • I'm betting he doesn't know how to use a lawn mower, since Teh Brown Little Peepulz have probably *always* mowed *his* fucking lawn. Can't wait to see him trim his toes or his dick off on the first try.

    • SorosBot

      Maybe they do at the private boarding schools he sends his kids to?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or the ones his parents sent him to.

        • DaRooster

          Hell… he probably got paid that much to go to school.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Pah — from what I've heard about private schools, their teachers make less. If they don't accept government money they don't have to abide by the same rules that give teachers in the public sector decent and/or equal pay, and can fire them pretty much arbitrarily.

      • Pragmatist2

        Private boarding schools pay even less. They let you live in the dorms with the teeny boppers and eat in the cafeteria, so they cut the pay 20%

    • HogeyeGrex

      He also seems to think that he and his fellow greedy asshat profit maximizers actually leave 35% tips.

      LOL

      • Jukesgrrl

        Even if they did, it wouldn't be appropriate compensation for the crap they pull. Did you ever watch one of those 25-year-old dickheads snap their fingers for a waitress?

      • Like anybody's going to believe this prick ever gave a penny to anybody without squeezing a little blood from them in return.

    • Serolf_Divad

      No doubt he also thinks they pay no taxes.

    • memzilla

      Of course teachers make $85K a year… in groups of 5.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, John McCain thinks migrant workers make 50 bucks an hour to pick vegetables.

      • Well, John McCain thinks

        Uhm, no.

      • emmelemm

        And then there's that guy who thinks waiters in Minnesota make $100k a year…

        • Jukesgrrl

          Not to mention the doyenne who came out of a Broadway matinee into a Times Square full of Occupiers and sniffed, "Why don't they get a job?!"

    • Not_So_Much

      Well, if he's really a current trader, he's certainly not good at things like "math", or "reality".

    • CHUDster_Arthur

      There are a few teachers in my old high school making about that. However, they have their Masters degrees and have been in service for over 30 years. Thirty years on a job making $85,000 is kind of low, actually.

      • Entry-level lawyers and programmers make more than that. Or used to, anyway.

    • Millennial Malaise

      I remember during the GM's nationalization, you kept hearing (on Fox "News") that those dirty union thugs were making $75/hour! They always failed to mention that they were including their benefits in the hourly rate which is what I'm guessing this guy is doing.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Actually, the figure was including the cost of the labor making the car, plus money paid to retirees and benefits for both.

    • LowProfileinGA

      Welcome, Ali.

    • catchtheflava

      As a teacher, I only work from 6am to 11pm. Unlike this brave soul, who works from 5 to 10. Or so he says.

      I also take money baths between 11pm and 6am. Mwa hah hah hah, at $50,000 a year, the world is mine!

  • JerkCade

    I've seen this collection of words before. Plagiarist!

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Insider bullshit trading?

    • Yeah, I noticed that I have seen this screed before as well.

    • FritzBrogan
    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Getting rich off other people's money, complaining using other people's words…

      Yet hoist by his own petard, as it were.

      • bagofmice

        Those petards DO seem to be explosive.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        This guy is hopelessly petarded.

  • Antispandex

    Just curious, but how much was wasted in Iraq getting (as Bush called him), "The guy who tried to kill my dad"? You know what would be really nice? If he rich would pitch in on that one. I know their kids aren't.

    • $3.7 TRILLION AND COUNTING, according to Joseph Stiglitz and Linda Bilmes.

  • baconzgood

    NEEDS MOAR CHAMPIGONON FONT!!!!!

    • Guppy

      That screed was made for comic cans.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    threatening to eat elementary school teachers and leave bad tips at restaurants.

    OK, that restaurant has got one hella strange menu. Is that even legal?

    • hagajim

      Roasted third grade teacher, mmmm, my fave!

      • WunkRocker

        Needs more deeznutz on his chin.

    • poncho_pilot

      only in Somalia Libertopia.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Not until President Perry defunds the FDA.

    • RadioOcupados

      Is leaving bad tips at restaurants even a threat with these clowns? As I pointed out yesterday, the rich are notoriously cheap.

  • nounverb911

    "We're going to stop buying the new 80K car"
    (I'm buying a Ferrari instead).

  • Troglodeity

    "We aren't dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive."

    Translation: "We're cockroaches."

    • hagajim

      That is awesome!

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      I know I should probably let I_miss_Opus post this, but wotthehell: http://pics.livejournal.com/zarq/pic/0006x1h1.jpg

    • SoBeach

      Absolutely brilliant..

    • pdiddycornchips

      That's exactly what the Romanoff's said.

    • Negropolis

      Except that unlike roaches, they don't clean up shit, they leave shit.

    • memzilla

      Win of the week.

    • They only *think* they're not dinosaurs. Fact of the matter is, these people have only two real skills — bullshitting everyone else and gambling. Neither of these skills is in demand in the *REAL* economy, you know, the one in which you actually create useful things. I'm willing to bet real money that this guy (and just about everyone else like him) cannot do a single useful thing, whether it's cooking a meal, fixing a car, diapering a baby, training a dog, raising a child, growing a tomato, rewiring a house, or mowing a lawn.

  • Goonemeritus

    Strange that Mexican Narco Cartels could pen a very similar letter.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      A basic rule of thumb used by insurance company claims departments, when they're presented with two different statements from the two drivers in a car wreck. The one with the long, meandering, self justfying rant, is the guy at fault. In fact, so overiding is this rule, in 90% of cases you don't even need to read the words, just count them. The highest count pays…

      • tessiee

        "A basic rule of thumb used by insurance company claims departments"

        Would that be, "Don't pay out any claims"?

  • user-of-owls

    We're used to not getting up to pee when we have a position.

    Ok, I'll bite. Which position? Doggy style or Social Darwinism?

    • hagajim

      They wear Depends

      • user-of-owls

        They should. On their heads.

    • Guppy

      Trickle-down economics.

    • not that Dewey

      They pee sitting down.

      • user-of-owls

        I would have said "with their leg raised," but that's good too.

        • not that Dewey

          now, "with both legs raised" would imply that he's peeing into his own mouth, which is what it sounds like he was doing when he wrote this. I think we're getting somewhere.

          • user-of-owls

            A fine Conjecture, that.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Dewey: You beat me to it. These weenies have been squattin to piss for years now.

    • flamingpdog

      tea bag.

    • pdiddycornchips

      The funny thing is, I know a bunch of traders and they're out of the office every day before 6pm. The bars in lower Manhattan are rockin' every night and 6:30 and not because the gardeners and teachers are dropping back Patron shots and $15 a pop.

  • Sue4466

    Too douchey. Did not read.

  • zappadoo76

    Wall Street is a symbol for capitalism. Nobody blames the guys in colorful little jackets who carry out the trades. Is that so hard?

    • Mumbly_Occupado

      Meh, most I-bankers are post-pupation frat boys. I definitely blame them. Even if the ultimate fault lies with their employers who sociopathically profit off the collapse of western civilization, it's still true that most people who go into that line of work are Grade-A douchebags. Which is why you get rants like this coming from them, actually.

      • pdiddycornchips

        The dynamics of an investment bank are such that the top performers essentially walk away with most of the profits, on average over 70%. This creates huge incentives to bet the farm and then some. If they win, they reap multi-million dollar bonuses. If they lose, so what? What's the worse that can happen? They get fired and land at another firm and do it all over again. It's like gambling 'sept they can't lose, they can only win.

  • prommie

    Well, if I have to be poor no matter what, I think I'll choose to live in the world where they are poor, too. Cause, well, fuck them, is all.

  • Pragmatist2

    I thought they locked the Unibomber up.

    • WunkRocker

      Obviously there were more than one. The Ambiguously Gay Duobomber?

    • emmelemm

      Today, we are all the Unibomber?

      Seriously, though, good point. I think this guy has stumbled over that cliff we call "sanity".

  • hagajim

    What a complete fuckwad. I'd like to meet this nice man and shove my garden hose up his ass so ha can do his fucking yardwork. Douche!

  • An_Outhouse

    "“We are Wall Street,” the leaflet said. “It is our job to make money.”"

    We are society. It is our job to put immoral thieves in jail. see Madoff, Bernard

    • HogeyeGrex

      Shorter leaflet dude,

      "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!"

    • OneDollarJuana

      Wall Street skims, not makes, money. Exactly, and I mean exactly, like Vegas.

    • GOPCrusher

      Worse part. They make money whether you make more or lose your ass.

  • JerkCade

    Plus, if the mere fact of people demonstrating provokes this shit-song of woe and ennobled victimhood, can you imagine the unending, sterilizing screech this douche would emit if he actually had to do my job?

    Not that he'd be any good at it.

  • That rant is resurfacing?!? Sheesh. I'd like to see one of those adrenaline and testosterone junkies try and teach school. And whoever wrote that seems to neglect that there are scads of people who are trained to teach and who are actually motivated to get those jobs who aren't working.

    That dipshit loses his job? He's spending his time hanging around in his bathrobe all day mumbling at daytime TV in less then a week.

    • Bots Meat Commission

      The thought of a bunch of former Cornell frat-boy i-banker douchebags teaching our chilluns is a terrifying thought.

      • Rowen

        "Today, kid-bros, we're going to be learning how to make sure you're not getting shafted when you make a deal for blow. Then, after lunch we're gonna learn the proper way to beat up a hooker without leaving bruises."

      • Sparky_McGruff

        A douchebag i-banker would never, ever get through a run-of-the-mill background check.

    • fuflans

      yeah it was crap the first time around.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And the look on his face, when he finds that his unemployment benefits are $400 a week? Not even enough to cover the payments lease on his 80K car? Priceless!

  • freakishlywrong

    Too dick-waddy. Did not read.

  • GhostBuggy

    "Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping?"

    Yes. Yes, I do think that.

    • emmelemm

      And no way in hell they could ever pick tomatos, peaches, etc…

      • GhostBuggy

        No shit. We have poor people now that won't do that. But yeah, sure, let's see this asshole out there in a field, trying determine a peach from his own ass. I'll hold the bucket, even.

    • SorosBot

      Just imagine one of these entitled coke-fueled douchebags teaching third graders; he'll be fired following a rage-fueled verbally abusive tirade against the poor kids before recess.

      • GhostBuggy

        "Put that pencil down. Pencil-sharpening is for kids who get an A in Econ only. You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you."

    • tessiee

      Puh-leeze. People like this asshat are so lazy and incompetent from being handed everything that they couldn't make a living giving two-dollar blow jobs, let alone doing real work.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Snarky word vomit in Diet-Coke/Mentoes format-fast, furious, ultimately forgetable.

    • LowProfileinGA

      KO libel! Lay off America's one unique product.

  • bureaucrap

    "63 percent of all federal spending this year will consist of checks written to individuals for which the government receives currently no services"

    Yeah, damn leeches… they pay for decades into a system, like social security, disability insurance, or medicare, and now they EXPECT TO GET IT BACK????!!!1??? The EFFRONTERY!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You put your money in a house, and you expect to get it back?
      You bought our AAA mortgage backed securities, and you expect to get it back?
      You invested in Citibank, or BoA, and you expect to get it back?
      You put money in a 401(k), and you expect to get it back?

      Seems there's no end to the peasantry's demands. Ungrateful greedy scum, that 99%.

    • GOPCrusher

      How many of that 63 percent are living week to week on an unemployment check? While corporations are awash in billions of dollars and posting ads stating "UNEMPLOYED NEED NOT APPLY".

    • RavenRant

      Please start challenging everyone who uses the term 'entitlements' to describe programs that working Americans have paid into with every paycheck for decades.

      We need to point out who the real entitled bastards are in this country.

      Seriously, (sorry, snarkers), I want that fucking dishonest term terminated with extreme prejudice.

      • Jukesgrrl

        I agree and have been correcting that term every time I hear it.

        • RavenRant

          Jukesgrrl, when every pundit and politician in the country is too embarrassed to use that dishonest term because it's the hallmark of lying, greedy sociopaths and their bootlicking lackeys, you and I will know it started right here. And we will smile.

          A while back, Newtsie started demanding to be addressed as Speaker Gingrich* on all the political talk shows, and every gutless, spineless one of those talking heads went along with it. At that point, whenever the topic of Gingrich came up, whoever I was talking to, in whatever setting, I would ask, "Are you referring to 'Serial Adulterer' Newt Gingrich?" Or, alternately, Are you referring to Newt 'Serial Adulterer' Gingrich?"

          Swear to God, I'm seeing it everywhere now. Well, not on the political talk shows, but all over the internet, and in conversation. WIN!

          I'm now doing the same for Giuliani and Trump.

          *You don't get to keep the title when you were forced to resign in disgrace and pay a $300,000 fine to avoid prosecution, Newt.

          • Jukesgrrl

            I've been working on "Gov." Palin, too.

          • RavenRant

            "Are you referring to the half-term halfwit?"

          • tessiee

            "A while back, Newtsie started demanding to be addressed as Speaker Gingrich* on all the political talk shows, and every gutless, spineless one of those talking heads went along with it. At that point, whenever the topic of Gingrich came up, whoever I was talking to, in whatever setting, I would ask, "Are you referring to 'Serial Adulterer' Newt Gingrich?" Or, alternately, Are you referring to Newt 'Serial Adulterer' Gingrich?" "

            Newt "handed divorce papers to his cancer patient wife on her hospital bed" Gingrich is a bit wordy, but I kinda like it.

          • LetUsBray

            Me too; that has to be the one thing for which he's known until the end of time.

          • not that Dewey

            Do you mean the same gutless, spineless talking heads who invited Newt on Meet the Press more often than any other guest in 2009? Including the actual Speaker of the House at the time, who didn't appear at all? The year of the health care reform debates? And the stimulus? Didn't ever consider interviewing Nancy Pelosi, but dragged Newt's bloated corpse out of irrelevancy to discuss his very important views? Those spineless, gutless talking heads?

          • RavenRant

            The very ones. The ones that let noun-verb-9/11 Giuliani and dimwit Dana Perino claim that there had never been a terrorist attack under Bush/Cheney and didn't say one word in rebuttal. And when did you ever see a failed Presidential candidate and a failed Vice Presidential candidate get the airtime Mccain and Palin have received since 2008. Our media/political system have been mutating at an incredibly rapid rate. At least OWS is forcing the conversation away from "which is better, sociopathic far right or bloodthirsty psychotic far, far, far right?'

  • An_Outhouse

    Their jobs are as traders, right? Like baseball cards? or more like wife swapping?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He buys something from you, sells it to me for more, and pockets the difference. This makes the world a better place. (Why his job still exists, when eBay can do it for .05% of the cost, is something of a mystery.)

  • I see this fellow has moved on to the bullshit mining industry.

    • Clearly, he's one of those meadow muffin munchin' dung beetles.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      And he's working a very rich vein.

  • hagajim

    "When our money dries up so does yours"

    Not if we take it from you fuckwad. If you want a zero sum game then when you lose we win…what a fucking tool.

    • GOPCrusher

      When you are part of the 1%, is it really wise to be making threats to the remaining 99?

  • Sue4466

    If I wanted to hear the views of the richest 1% on how hard it is to be rich and how easy the loafing poor have it, I'd watch Fox News. Or read the WSJ. Or the WaPo. Or the tweets of this dick

  • user-of-owls

    Our job is to make money.

    The fucking Franklin Mint would be more credible making this claim than you are.

    • edgydrifter

      That's the best part. His job isn't "making" money. His job is skimming as much as he can from other people's money.

      • comrad_darkness

        DING! What you have here is the very definition of Wall Street.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gee Mr. Asshole Stock Trader, I didn't realize that taking away special break on your income taxes, whereby you pay only 15% on the money you earn because it comes out of dividends that you sell, meant that you were going to be unemployed and then would viciously take a third grade teacher's job away from her.

    But your assertion kind of undercuts your position — if you'd rather teach kids and pay 32% taxes than make a million bucks and pay 35%, go to town — I'm sure you can find a teacher who'll switch with you. Oh, and you'll be expected to pay for school supplies with your much-reduced salary, you'll be getting up at 5:30 in the morning if not earlier, and you'll be grading your kids' homework after dinner. Have fun!

  • baconzgood

    I want my investment advisor to be a rambling psychotic, did he leave his card?

    • SorosBot

      Luckily for stockbrokers the psychotic part is a given, so you're already halfway there.

      • flamingpdog

        Wall Streeters all take the psycho path through life.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I lied.
    "What's going to happen when we can't find jobs on the Street any more? Guess what. We're going to take yours."

    Really? Your Wall Street job trained you to design groundwater remediation systems? You can calculate degradation rates for Trichloroethylene and Tetrachloroethylene into their daughter products over time based upon chemistry of the groundwater and the parent soil/rock type? You can whip out a good fate and transport model for solvents and hydrocarbons? You can calculate risk-based exposure levels for carcinogens and toxins in soils, groundwater, and vapor?

    You win, take my job.

    ETA: You cunt.

    • RavenRant

      Thank you for remediating our groundwater, Mr. Flagass.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "No thanks needed, ma'am/sir. It's my job, I'm a hydrogeologist."

        *jumps on moped and rides into sunset*

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          Who was that masked scientist, Pa?

          I don't know, Jimmy–and all he left behind was this silver flow-through field fluorometer, calibrated for a variety of turbid suspensions.

          • Guppy

            Kinky.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Tucson?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Air Force Plant 44 FTW!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pretty sure this bozo would try to make your job unnecessary if he were released into the wild. You can rely on the free market to degrade chlorinated hydrocarbons at the most efficient rate consistent with maximum profits, so there's no need to measure them.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hell, he'd just deregulate. "PCBs are good for you!!"

        • RavenRant

          Well, there's no scientific consensus… PCBGate!

          • Generation[redacted]

            Snarky comments on blog disprove the theory.

    • memzilla

      If you want to really serve our country, Mr. Flagass, may I suggest you propose a plan to eliminate the source of the toxic seepage at the Chicago Board of Trade?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Easy. Nuke the entire site from orbit.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          It's the only way to be sure.

          • Generation[redacted]

            Think carefully about this. If we capture one of these wall street traders, take it back to earth, our scientists can figure out a way to weaponize it. We all stand to make a lot of money. Unless you want to run loaders the rest of your life.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Couldn't the toxic sludge just be pumped into the building? These guys could actually serve a useful purpose for once.

    • Epic.

    • snickersnack

      That was next level nerd sexy.

    • TitsAkimbo

      Perchlorate libel!

    • tessiee

      While it's true that Whiny McWhinerson can't do any of those things, he'd solve the problem by getting a law passed mandating that corporations that dump carcinogens into groundwater get a tax cut and a cash reward from the surviving family (if any).

  • SexySmurf

    Oh no, please don't quit your cushy job on Wall Street and go teach children for free. Especially, don't go teach poor children in the inner-city. Then I'll be forced to take your job, and spend the rest of my life snorting blow off under-aged Laotian hookers. Anything but that. That would just be the worst thing to ever happen.

    • LesBontemps

      To the children, at any rate.

  • ThundercatHo

    Can you just picture this guy standing in his driveway with his 80k car and wondering how the hose works?

  • Callyson

    "I didn't hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone's 401(k) doubled every three years"
    Yeah, well, I didn't hear Wall Street clamoring for bailouts then either. But you'll notice that the speculators got theirs after 2008, while Main Street is still waiting.
    "Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours."
    Yes, Main Street's money *was* owned by Wall Street. Now that the bankers have taken it, they are blaming Main Street for not ponying up even more, huh?
    The Mafia has more human compassion than this jerk.

    • memzilla

      Agreed. The Mafia, at least, doesn't target the family.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Hey…c'mon in sit..relax. You're wit family.

    • GOPCrusher

      Privatize the profits, socialize the losses.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Nice little nation-state ya got here. Be a shame if something was to happen to it.

  • Paper leaflets. How cliché. Get with the twitter Goober.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    WTF? I know I am not mensa material.Having said that this seems to be ramblings of a syphilitic demented Troll or a Republican presidental candidate. Your call.

  • WunkRocker
    • LesBontemps

      Speaking of which, you'd think Jello would be perfect for the scene these days, but the Guantanamo School of Mediicine site says "no upcoming shows/events." http://www.myspace.com/jellobiafraandthegsm

      • WunkRocker

        That's just wrong. Make room for JELLO!

  • SorosBot

    "We are smarter and more vicious than that"

    Well that's half right. If this moron thinks he can swoop in and work as a teacher though, he knows nothing about the profession. For one thing, teachers, unlike stockbrokers, need to be intelligent and know what they're talking about; for another, they need empathy, with prevents success on Wall Street. This guy doesn't realize that he has no qualifications to do any real job that actually matters.

    • poncho_pilot

      Xe Services might be hiring.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Targets?

        • poncho_pilot

          that would work.

      • SorosBot

        They've got the psychosis, but the Wall Street thugs are too chickenshit to actually put themselves in potential danger. Otherwise though they share the complete lack of basic morality with the mercenaries.

        • poncho_pilot

          i'm hoping their complete lack of understanding would lead to them feeling qualified for the job. past that? if they get shot in the ass or fragged that's their concern.

          but you're probably right about these amoral dickheads being too chickenshit.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      These third-graders are underperforming, so I'm going to bundle them and short-sell them on the Elementary Derivatives market. I took a test score default swap on 'em, too, so at the end of the year I can expect a tidy profit when the little bastards tank.

      • poncho_pilot

        he does say "building the youth of America" which makes me think he views people as things or not as individuals but as groups. odd word choice on his part.

        • iburl

          Corporations are people, my friend.

      • not that Dewey

        Eric Cantor? Is that you?

  • owhatever

    When this guy dies, somebody remember to give a shit. Like on his tombstone.

    • jus_wonderin

      I kinda think the letter already sealed his fate. Saint Peter has it paperclipped in the "Big Book".

    • RavenRant

      Tramp the dirt down, also.

  • Goonemeritus

    As to the 49% of Americans receiving some form of government aid, this could more correctly be called aid to corporations that refuse to pay a living wage.

  • PubOption

    35% tip? I'll need to visit a strip club to check, of course, but that sounds a bit low.

  • freakishlywrong

    Gordon Gekko called. He wants his asshole back.

  • new 80K car

    In our family, a car with only 80K on it is new. Try to avoid crashing them into things, change the fluids, and these things go 200K easy. At least ours do and they have to live outside in C'Addle where it rains 24/7 – 365.

    Wuz he talking 80K Ameros instead of mileage? One of those folks whose private parts are inversely proportional to the price of their rig (or how far up their pickup truck is jacked).

    • TitsAkimbo

      I test-drove a K-Car back in the day, but liked the Cordoba better, because rich Corinthian leather.

  • Holy tl;dr Batman!

    Fuckin' parasites will never win us* a Pulitzer at this rate.

    * Believe it or don't, I have an Econ B.A. and I used to be a trader…of FX Forwards, among other things at various places and times.
    ~

  • edgydrifter

    The biggest mistake self-aggrandizing jerkoffs can make is believing their own hype. It's the sauce that transforms their inevitable decline from boring and sad into a delicious, full-blown Greek tragedy.

    • poncho_pilot

      needs more gouging out of eyes.

      • bagofmice

        I see what… Merde.

  • user-of-owls

    Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders

    Well you're clearly capable of acting like one.

    • SorosBot

      The answer is yes.

  • "We aren’t going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs…. We aren’t dinosaurs."

    Dude:

    a.) the assumption gratuitous gratuity is a given practice among your ilk, is a feat of imagination stretched tighter than anything in your painfully self-indulging argument;

    b.) requiring hired help to keep your lawn nice and trim would indicate to me your measured worth with the Jones's involves riding the little people's backs to groomed equity, not the other way around.

    For starters.

    • GhostBuggy

      It may be an unscientific sampling, but you know who tipped the best when I was a bag boy or worked in a restaurant? Kindly old folk that didn't look like they had much to spend after using their SS checks to buy some frozen meals and cat food. You know who didn't tip so well. Assholes in Mercedes and big-as-fuck SUVS, the kind who brought in huge groups of friends and family, ordered a ton of shit, bossed the staff around, etc. Awful tippers.

      In short: Go fuck yourself, Wall Streeter.

      • SorosBot

        According to some of the waiter/waitresses and bartenders I know, including my brother (he's a teacher now but spent years as a waiter), the best tips tend to come from other waiter staff & bartenders, who don't exactly make the big bucks normally. Entitled rich people are among the worst tippers and the most obnoxious customers.

        • tessiee

          Former food service worker here. The richest customers were not only obnoxious pricks but also, without exception, shitty tippers.

        • Or people who like me who remember what it was like to wait tables and be in the restaurant business. It is like charitable giving, the poors tend to give higher presentage of what they make, than the rich, because they understand that unfortunate things happen to people and want to think someone would do the same for them.

  • “We’re used to not getting up to pee when we have a position.”
    David Vitter, is that you?

    • subsum

      That would be "on all fours".

    • Buckminster

      Did you even take English as a schoolboy, Mr. Logorrhea?

  • Come here a minute

    I don't eat meat, but if somebody were to turn this asshole into a steak dinner, I would gladly eat it, with fava beans and a nice Chanti.

    • RavenRant

      You wouldn't like the way it tastes.

    • Buckminster

      Needs more catsup.

      • grex1949

        100% pure prime anus burger

  • baconzgood

    Koch sucker!

  • meatlofer

    It shouldn't be long now.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Patrick Bateman, is that you?

  • SarahsBush

    I'm guessing most of his money comes from people paying him to shut the fuck up.

  • poncho_pilot

    i'd love to see this guy in any kind of job that requires cooperating with co-workers and not trying to fuck them over to get ahead. as long as he's not working next to me.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoIvd3zzu4Y

    • emmelemm

      That is seriously the best scene in the history of ever. I worked for a while as a temp (secretary) at Lehman Brothers in the mid-90s, and, well, damn….

  • Occupy V572

    1940. Man, those were the days…25% unemployment, braceros with no "rights" or "workmans comp" or "safe labor laws" picking the crops, low taxes, big war buildup under way….good times!

  • user-of-owls

    I just heard that the governor of Alabama is flying out to meet this guy.

  • littlebigdaddy

    The douche is strong in this one!

  • FakaktaSouth

    I enjoy self righteous bullshit as much as the next guy, but really, he thinks that because he's a trader, if Wall Street goes down (and who the fuck said that was Obama's ultimate goal?) he can "take" just anybody's job he wants? Seriously? I know a ton of Corporate Finance and Investment Management majors. They're not all rocket scientists, by ANY means. I married one (he is not a trader) and numbers is pretty much it. Go fuck yourself dude. Your overblown sense of yourself is exactly your problem.

    • freakishlywrong

      I believe they used to refer to themselves as "Masters of the Universe". And, like the book, let's hope they befall the same fate.

    • Generation[redacted]

      The most common phrase I heard from people who lost their jobs at Bear Sterns et al was, "Guess I'm going back to school."

    • Buckminster

      What's he going to teach 3rd graders? How to kill Grandma for fun and profit?

  • Unfairman

    It's not that we think he couldn't teach 3rd graders, it's just that we are afraid what he would teach them.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Douchetard is douchie.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “It is our job to make money.”

    NO, you fuckwit, "Making money" is not a job. It is your job to do something useful, for which you should be paid appropriately. If all you have to show for your efforts is money in your pocket, that used to be in someone else's pocket, you might just as well be a mugger. You'd cost us less if you were.

    • grex1949

      People who work in the U. S. Mint make money. This guy transfers money from one entity to another, skimming some off the top. That's not making money; it's more like larceny, especially when the product is misrepresented to both the buyers and the sellers.

  • Neoyorquino

    TLDR; "I'm a delusional and sanctimonious douche-sack."

  • kissawookiee

    Assfuck this guy with a remote-control pink chainsaw. Sideways.

  • user-of-owls
    • actor212

      Those are cricketers!

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Well, spit! (Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!)

    • SorosBot

      He's been through all of
      F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books
      He's very well read
      It’s well known

      Because something is happening here
      But you don’t know what it is
      Do you, Mister Jones?

    • not that Dewey

      He is aware of all internet traditions and also of literary conventions…

    • poorgradstudent

      This is not what I meant when I once said I wanted to be a minor Internet celebrity.

    • poorgradstudent

      …seriously, I'd do anything to have that severe adolescent stupid comment of mine stricken from the Wonketteer record.

      (And if imissopus is reading, I do mean *anything*).

  • Occupy V572

    All right, it's 11:24 AM here, I've sneaked home from work, Tamron Hall's makeup was exquisitely done today, and I'm having the first glass of a 2008 Stag's Leap Merlot. Rich CBOT douche bags can't really touch me now.

  • There is no CBOT/CBOE/Whatever trader who could type that many words without having a seizure and shitting himself. These guys train themselves to not think, just react. Any concept other than "Buy" or "Sell" is just too much for them.

    • poncho_pilot

      "These guys train themselves to not think, just react."

      the real reptile people!

  • BobsGunt

    I want to see this fucker's head on a pike.

    • user-of-owls

      I want to feed this fucker's head to a pike. No, wait. Make that an alligator gar.

  • Eve8Apples

    They're threatening to do their own landscaping and wash their own vehicles? Oh, I'd love to see that. I bet the fuckers couldn't figure out how to work the hose.

    I'm quite confident you are not qualified to take my job. I have never caused a global recession. If I were to ever cause a global recession, my boss would fire me and not let me fuck around with the photocopier during work hours.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "I bet the fuckers couldn't figure out how to work the hose."

      Hell, I'm mechanically inclined and have a hard time getting the weed eater to start on occasion.

      *throws weed eater across the driveway* "Fucking piece of shit!!!"

      • emmelemm

        All depends on how euphemistic "work the hose" turns out to be.

        • poncho_pilot

          oh, i thought you guys were talking about hos. cause i was gonna say, if a trader knows how to work anything it's probably hookers and blow.

          • bagofmice

            But he needs to eat the weed. Obviously.

      • jus_wonderin

        BTF, I was going to say the same thing. After 20 minutes I pulling on the crank cord I toss it as far as I can.

    • GOPCrusher

      He can come to my house tomorrow and rotate the tires on my truck while I sit in my lawn chair, drinking a beer, and laughing.

    • tessiee

      "I have never caused a global recession. If I were to ever cause a global recession, my boss would fire me "

      Boss [sternly]: Did you miss the deadline for the quarterly status report?
      Eve: No.
      Boss: Did you cause a global recession?
      Eve [sheepishly]: Yes.
      Boss: But the status report is done, right?
      Eve: Right.
      Boss: Well… OK, then.

  • It was funny until they threatened to eat my hobo beans. I think not.

  • tihond

    Winning!

  • unStunned

    Love it that this guy threatens to take our jobs. He must have been all busy swapping exotic instruments and didn't hear that Wall Street already took our jobs.

  • CommieLibunatic

    With stunts like this, you'd think this guy wants to end up being hung by his entrails and marched around Zuccotti Park.

  • iburl

    "We are not dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that."

    Don't set the bar too high there, money-trader.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Needs even less self-awareness than it has.

  • Billmatic

    lol @ we wake up at 5am and work until 10pm and we don't have a union

    WELL NO SHIT GUY

    who wants to bet this is a floor guy who is actually part of the 99%

    • grex1949

      I'm not taking that bet.

  • HogeyeGrex

    What a bizarre mixture of flop sweat and utter fuckwaditude.

    Somebody seems to be in full panic mode that these patchouli-soaked hippies on the street and their swarthy co-conspirators might just, horror of horrors, win some concessions from the government that he bought fair and square.

    What's the point of dropping these things, anyway? Does he think the protesters will read them and think, "Oh. Of course. He's right. I'd better get back to my rat-on-a-stick under the freeway and give thanks for such great and wonderful overlords as this leafleteer obviously is."?

    What a douche.

    I'd love to see this schmuck have to deal with a real job. I'd give fair odds he'd get canned right quick from any normal work environment.

  • Eve8Apples

    It's not your job to make money, Asswipe. It is your job to RESPONSIBLY MANAGE MONEY. You completely failed at your job and caused a global recession. You should be sweeping the street, cleaning toilets or performing sexual favors for your boss for minimum wage. But you are NOT qualified to manage money.

  • Jerri

    That's it. I'm putting my hobo nickels in Smarmy Douche Futures. They seem to be trending upward! And by "hobo nickels" I of course mean "wood chips stolen from the local park." Wall Street takes those, right?

  • dennis1943

    For once the derogatory term my father used to describe me in my younger days finally applies to someone else……………………..Bohemian

    • bagofmice

      Needs moar absinthe.

  • actor212

    Typography by Dr Bronner

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I think that rates a "holy shit!"

    • tessiee

      Cleanliness next to godliness! Follow Ten Commandments! All-One OK? OK!!

  • proudgrampa

    I daresay that, when the revolution and / or collapse comes and we have the "World Made by Hand" envisioned by Kunstler, this asshole will be lucky to find a job riding a stationary bicycle to generate electricity.

    • jus_wonderin

      I picture Gilligan here, for some reason.

  • Trader Boy continues:

    Funny how nobody ever moans and complains when they're unmolested, but now that we've fucked you in the ass, you're all butthurt about it. It's our job to make money. Financial fraud, action figures, streaming music sites, narcotics, American Girl Place, it doesn't matter.

    So guess what, overpaid NFL and NBA players: we're taking your cash-cow jobs. You think we can't run a 4.3-40, bench 225 lbs. 40 times, or hit a 36" vertical? Just leave the mansion keys and tell your wives and mistresses to fluff up the pillows. Take away our gnocca and we'll just eat yours.

  • They are working so hard and constantly that they had time to tie up the copier to make these douchey leaflets.

  • Shit, this moron can't even break his missive into proper paragraphs. Good luck with the teaching gig.

    He can come to Michigan and work for $9 or $10 an hour! Find a nice factory job. Get up at 5:00 and work right up until fucking midnight for all I care you halfwitted fuckwad. Maybe you can pick some fruit or asparagus in the summer to supplement your earnings in your spare time or to pay for the insurance your other jobs don't offer. Whatever – I'm sure you'll do just fine.

  • rickmaci

    When did Dick Chaney start working at the Chicago Board of Trade?

  • mookwrthwilson

    I don't believe in the death penalty, but this guy is starting to change my mind.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dude should leave the trash talkin' to the Steelers and the Patriots.

  • not that Dewey

    I love that he personally takes credit for "14,000 Dow and our 401ks tripling every two years" and deflects and blames some mysterious market forces for the collapse. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the myopic zombie stock brokers like himself who were at the helm? "the market" was responsible for the fall, which geniuses like this guy were powerless to stop, even as they claim they created all the wealth. I wish I were as singularly talented as this guy that I could cause $17 trillion to evaporate, though I claim that I'm as smart as a dinosaur.

    He "never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas" because the stock market was supposed to be a safe place to keep our retirement accounts, and therefore wasn't gambling, right asshat?

  • For a group that managed to completely screw up at their jobs so badly that they collapsed their "industry" and required massive bailouts, this clown sure seems to have delusions of adequacy.

    • emmelemm

      I love "delusions of adequacy."

      I may have to borrow that from time to time. I don't have any Ameros to pay you royalties, but I will give you credit, and perhaps send along a can of hobo beans from time to time.

      • I doubt my family came up with that (my grandfather was fond of using that to describe Retard-Americans), but feel free.

  • joeto2

    that ridiculous essay was a dopey "viral email" a few years ago if i recall correctly. there's probably a Snopes page about it

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm sure it was a viral email, attributed to John Cleese or Robin Williams.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Could very well have started out as a parody, and this guy is too clueless to recognize it.

        • RavenRant

          Sadly, I'm fairly certain it's 4 reelz.

  • SenileAgitation

    Do I understand this fellow, that the middle class (how quaint!) will be crushed if unsavory grasping jackals' grip on maximum loot is loosened? I hear it's actually the opposite, that with a more balanced tax code the percentage of people taking part in growth would expand. Lift all boats vs life boats or something. Anyway, as Aerosmith sang so poignantly, dude sounds like an ahole.

  • Indiepalin

    This guy will show us all when the market "craps out" again and he and his cohorts move to Alabama to pick strawberries.

  • Needs to go back to second grade – not enough beatings by Sister Mary Ignatious

  • Dumbedup

    I love the smell of fear from these greedy c*cksuckers. It reminds me of…the french revolution.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Not tonight, Louis. I have a kink in my neck.

    • proudgrampa

      I love the smell of fear in the morning. Smells like…Victory!

    • I have been sensing fear amongst them. They know there are no GOP presidential candidates coming on a white horse to save them. The only candidates who can be standard bearers to their failed economic and political philosophy are certifiable loonbots. Brother Pat Robertson is sounding the alarm. I hear them clinging to the memory of the Clintons. The irony they don't understand is that Obama, a moderate, is the only one who can save their sorry asses where the American public is fed up with the system entirely.
      This guy like the 1% is like the bad boyfriend, who once he starts realizing youre leaving him, starts saying how much you are going to miss him when he was gone, that you are nothing without him, and somehow its *your fault* that he is such a jerk. It is times like these you realize that leaving is an *awesome* idea.

  • The produce at Jackass Trader Joe's is a real ripoff.

  • It's raining leaflets, my ass. Snowing flaketards, more like.

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you're only going to hurt yourselves."

    If it would mean taking that guy down, I'd cut off my own little finger and mail it to him.

  • Who gives a shit about how much money they make if
    a) they didn't wreck the economy
    b) they didn't fuck everyone else (the rest of us) in the process
    c) they paid what they were fucking supposed to

    Otherwise, fuck them. I'd rather it be a peaceful change, but this isn't helping.

  • chascates

    When we can't find jobs on the Street any more we're going to take yours?

    Motherfucker, TAKE IT! I'm just cleaning mud and pig shit off my boots from taking care of the pigs (animals take 7 days a week care) and now I'm going out into the cold wind to water all the seeds and transplants we planted (also a 7 days a week chore). Do you think everyone who has a job has one that is indoors, 40 hours a week, and pays a decent salary?

    You should leave the Street and smell what's brewing.

    • RavenRant

      What's growing at chascates estates? Idle curiosity, but what do you plant this time of year?

      • chascates

        We're expecting a warm winter with maybe no freezes until February. So we've planted brassicas such as cabbage, broccoli, brussel sprouts as well as carrots, onions, garlic, sugar peas, and lots of lettuce. I work for the farmer in exchange for a rent house and he hopes to start a CSA, sell the extras in a pick-your-own operation and feed what's left to our pigs.
        At 57 I'm on the 'back 9 of life' and it's really pleasant living in the country. Just wish it was the country where it rained and didn't get 100 degrees for 80 days in a row!!!!!!

        • RavenRant

          Texas? Arizona?

          • chascates

            Central Texas, about a hour northeast of Austin, where I spent the past 30 years.
            And worked 3 days a week until 2 weeks ago when I got furloughed from my charcuterie job since demand is low.
            But I have a decent place to live, food to eat, and Wonkette to occupy my time!

          • RavenRant

            Yeah, I'm a TV editor. It's been a bit slow of late. I got a 2 week gig recently on a show about the Secret Service, but nothing since.

            And I'm trying to write a screenplay while I'm off work, but instead the siren song of wonkette lures me onto reefs of snark. For hours.

          • Jukesgrrl

            And we're the richer for it.

          • RavenRant

            Aw, shucks. Thanks!

  • Well off to play HuffPoo Bingo

    linkie from Boing Boing

  • OccupytheDashboard

    Pudgy McPeebreak wouldn't last 10 minutes as a teacher or a landscaper.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Is this what happens when people graduate from LNS?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The more these assholes whine, the better revolutionary socialism looks.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    "We aren’t dinosaurs."

    That's right. Dinosaurs weren't douchbags.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, they are dinosaurs. Velociraptors.

      • SorosBot

        Nah, because velociraptors, being only about three feet tall and looking basically like a large chicken with sharp claws and teeth, wouldn't be much of a threat to humans, despite the claws; while stockbrokers, with their control of other people's money, are actually dangerous.

        • I'll reserve judgement until "Raptors vs. Brokers" comes out on XBox.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            *heads out to pre-purchase title at GameStop*

      • OccupytheDashboard

        Maybe, but a velociraptor would just stone kill you and eat you…merciful in a "circle of life" kind of way. There fuckers will bankrupt someone and force them out of their home while giggling about it.

        I don't think dinosaurs giggled.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He's not a dinosaur … which is why, if the shit hits the fan, he'll be at something of a disadvantage.

  • actor212

    CBOT…wasn't that where Rick Santelli signaled the 1%ers the Koch Bros check cleared started the Teabagger movement?

  • Mommy needs to whup the E-Trade Baby's Huggies-clad tuchus and wash out his mouth with Jergens.

  • Nesnora

    "Showing off is the fool's idea of glory. A quick temper will make a fool of you soon enough." ~ Bruce Lee

  • fartknocker

    Dear Richie Rich
    For 31 years I worked my ass off, fucked up both shoulders, lost part of an ear, and replaced a knee saving pinheads like you because you drove drunk, your house was on fire, or you just made a fucking mistake. When you have your emergency I don't care if you are a Chicago stockbroker. Men and women just like me work our asses off to save you and your family from fire, chemical spills and medical emergencies and we are pretty good at it.

    When you make a mistake and crash your car, burn your house, or god forbid, one of your children are hurt or dying, remember that when you call 9-1-1, it's the same 99% of the people you believe a worthless assholes that will tirelessly and dependly come to help you, your family and neighbors.

    You can drop that sanctamonious diatribe and understand that the 99% of us are fed up and when you piss off that many people, something is going to happen.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Remember, professional ethics only require that you stabilize him and transport him safely to an ER. Once he's released, you can kick him in the nads as hard as you want.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I regret that I have but one p to give to my emergency responder. Thank you, sir.

  • Well, it's not that hard to look up criminal defense lawyer rates.

  • KotBR

    To evil, narcissistic and narrow minded. Did not read.

  • bflrtsplk

    "We are smarter and more vicious than that and we are going to survive."

    But we are angrier and there are a lot more of us than there are of you. Don't bet on it.

    • That is true, but also most folks who say those words "smarter vicious etc" aren't. More like fat ass coward Rob "fucking" Ford.

      • Generation[redacted]

        "we are smarter and more vicious than you" = "please don't take away my cushy job, I don't want to compete against you in the marketplace"

    • RavenRant

      "Don't bet on it."

      But they would. They would take option plays on both sides of their own survival.

      "Sure, I'm dead, but KA-CHING!"

    • tessiee

      I have no trouble believing that they're more vicious, but smarter? Somehow, I doubt it.

  • fuflans

    here's the thing i've always been told of cbot asshats: they actually DON'T make all that much money. some do, some get a windfall, but most don't make enough to keep up with their blow habit.

  • El Pinche

    Remember the time when it was raining traders from sky scrapers? ….*sigh* I do.

    Yesterday, All my troubles seemed so far away, …..

    • tessiee

      It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men…

  • MistaEko

    This screed has been out there for 3 years, back when the guys actually feared a combination of populist anger and failed markets would mean that their lush days were seriously over.

    As I said back then, trading and financial analyst skill sets and egos translate to maybe two other industries – law and tech startups. A background in those and they may get to stay in the Manhattan condo. Otherwise you'll find that being a self proclaimed rockstar shark won't keep the attention of middle schoolers or fix the excel sheets' slew of N/A! values.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Amazing that this guy was able to stop surfing porn long enough to type that up.

  • Mumbly_Occupado

    My favorite part was the part where he openly admits that the financial sector is basically a glorified casino, and that his "job", such as it is, is to gamble with other peoples' money, and keep the winnings.

    • not that Dewey

      and therefore he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need Gamblers Anonymous, but the rest of us do.

      Narcissistic Personality Disorder sure is ugly.

      • Mumbly_Occupado

        Right. I mean, all those people with their 401Ks? Didn't actually want a gamble; they wanted savings that could support them in retirement, in their 60s or 70s. (Only cops, firefighters, and I-bankers retire at 50. And only two of those three deserve it.) They all saw it as a savings fund, not a roulette wager.

        • MilwaukeeKent

          Why they're ginning up a Social Security crisis that won't exist for 25-30 years, if that. Can't wait to get their hands on that 2.5 trillion pool of play money, with all those fees, commissions and bonuses to collect, just sitting there.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Pride goeth before the fall, cockface.

  • RavenRant

    One job he won't be taking is PR rep. He really knows how to win hearts and minds, doesn't he?

    But for those who worship bullies, which is a fair portion of the public, based on ratings for Bill'O, Limbaugh, Hannity, Trump, et al, this has to be the best fap fodder ever.

    (Spell checker doesn't recognize 'fap' as a word. Odd.)

    • CrunchyKnee

      "fap fodder"

      Brilliant.

      • RavenRant

        Thank you. Have you noticed this penchant for bully worship? It's not just the Fox blowhards, and right wing radio screamers, but Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay, House… Some people can't seem to get enough abuse.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Not to mention the repo and pawn shop programs, Dr. Phil, Judge Judy, at least half the televangelists, and even some of those douches who shill on infomercials.

          • RavenRant

            I try to avoid watching any of those things. I've had enough bullies in my life. I am not entertained by them. Although I do love Lewis Black's spluttering rage.

            I do have a tiny soft spot in my heart for Dr. Phil, even though I know he's a douche.

            Years ago, before he had a show, he was a guest on Oprah.In the course of a conversation about weight problems, Oprah said, "But what about those people who can eat whatever they want and not gain wait? What about them? And Dr. Phil drawled out, "Well, have you figured out yet that your not one of those people?"

            Oprah did a triple take. Possibly a quadruple take. I laughed so hard I injured myself. And it's a phrase I have use on myself every once in a while when I use 'what other people can do' as a guide, when I know from painful experience it won't work for me.

          • Jukesgrrl

            My sports-lovin' steelworker dad didn't put much stock in medical care of any kind. But in his last years he watched Dr. Phil (when he was on Oprah once a week). One day I came to visit and he told me, "I was watching Dr. Phil today and he was doing that counseling stuff on a fat kid. He told the kid, 'Son, you're just gonna have to accept the fact that you need to STOP EATING.' Is that was therapists DO? You go to them and they tell you the same shit I would tell you?"

            I didn't have the heart to reveal how much money I had spent on therapists in my life and no, Dad, their advice wasn't even that useful. My mind still boggles to know my Bunkeresque racist father thought Oprah was just the ginchiest. He also watched Yan Can Cook every week, too, and he didn't like Asians and believed making anything more complicated than a sandwich was "women's work." Go figure. Television is an amazing medium.

  • barto

    Since this asshat is so worky how can he possibly have time to write this screed? Doesn't he understand that by taking his precious skillset (which can be replicated by any minimally trained animal) off the clock he is endangering the progress of capitalism as we know it? Pirorities, people!

  • Soylent Green

    Not concerned about them taking my job. Don't think they can build SQL databases by previously being a hedgefund manager.

  • tawk

    Knew I'd read this crap before: http://ftalphaville.ft.com/blog/2010/04/30/217381

    Fucking thieves. Fuck them.

    • FakaktaSouth

      The fact that this was written in/before APRIL OF 2010 changes things a tad, insofar as it wasn't written FOR the Occupy Wall Street crowd, but it SURE AS HELL explains WHY OWS EXISTS. UGH FUCK THIS GUY EVEN HARDER!!!!!

    • Nesnora

      Fucker can't even write his own rant. I remember that.

  • actor212

    "We eat what we kill"

    Hookers? I hear they're more fun to eat before you get all stabby.

  • flamingpdog

    "We aren't dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive."

    So, now you're a paleontologist, too, douche-boy/girl/Chaz Bono? The dinosaurs did survive, it's just that nowadays they're all fragile, feathered, chicken shits with no penis, just like you.

  • June_Cleaver2.0

    I watched Rachel Maddow last night. Where is Eliot Spitzer when you need him?

    • tessiee

      Hiking the Appalachian Trail?

  • Rowen

    Things like this ALMOST make me want to see society crash, just to watch them totally flail while my "wasted" time learning to crochet and pickle fruits and veggies comes in handy in our Little House on the Prairie meets Dark Angel new world order.

  • snoopyfan2010

    Wow. There are some out there who make more than this guy and still think he's wrong.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    The top of the food chain is always the most expendable and first to go when habitat changes.

  • mercianomad

    Um, even if they did hypothetically "take our jobs," Doesn't being only 1% in this context mean that you couldn't possibly take ALL the jobs? At most they could make off with something like, I dunno, maybe around 1% of them? FAIL.

    • tessiee

      Good thing this assmarmot doesn't need math for his highly paid job, huh?

  • carlgt1

    basically he thinks his anal retentiveness gives him the right to rip everyone off and make a fortune? and did this brave man identify himself?

    • RavenRant

      No. Brave Sir Robbing did not dare to give his name.

      • tessiee

        A Monty Python ref AND a pun in one short sentence?
        *swoons*

        • RavenRant

          I live to serve. *curtsy*

  • Fox n Fiends

    I love it when people who think they're important get uppity.

  • __kth__

    Coke Dweeb is especially cute when he thinks he could last a day teaching third-graders, or any work whatsoever out -of-doors.

  • not that Dewey

    If it weren't for logical fallacies, this guy would have no argument at all.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    I know the sort of guy who wrote this, you could literally ruin his life, at least his week, doing a sneak-and-peek just to scramble his sock drawer.

  • tessiee

    "For years, teachers and other unionized workers had us fooled'

    May I make a request to the administrative staff of the Ironic Punishments Division of Hell?

    When this crybaby horse's ass goes to Hell, could he spend eternity locked in a roomful of third-graders during the day, and paying the bills on a teacher's salary at night?
    Thank you in advance for your consideration.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Third graders are surprisingly hard to come by. Besides, we've already reserved a seat for him on the snowball futures desk, unwinding an infinitely large long position.

  • tessiee

    That cunt.

  • lulzmonger

    tm;r&l (too moronic, read & laughed).

    "Look out, because even though we love money more than life itself, we're going to voluntarily take a 90% pay cut to steal YOUR job, because we're mean nasty macho keyboard warriors who eat what we kill! OOGA BOOGA!"

    Feel free, dickhead – what's stopping you? Be my guest. SRSLY.

    Enjoy scraping dried shit off toilets, humping sofas off the back of a truck, & having your Porsche keyed in the high-school parking lot – FOR LIBERTY.

    PS: Sure hope you like Ramen noodles, A LOT.

  • I have volunteered in my son's first grade classroom last year. They would absolutely chew this character up like nobody's business.

  • tessiee

    Ironically, the person who really does the yardwork for this douche is the guy with the insane camper:
    http://wonkette.com/449226/wingnut-camper-art-pro

    • not that Dewey

      What are you talking about? I don't do yard work for that douc…

      oops. I've said too much.

  • ttommyunger

    Just a guess, but I'm betting Kirsten is the only human being (other than the author) who has read this piece of literary feces in its entirety. Grover "Numb-nuts" Norquist is laughing is ample ass off right about now.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    There is no way this douche hat could take my job. Mostly because he seems to have no actual marketable skills beyond being a miserable human being. I think its funny that these wall street types think they will have anything to bring to the table when we get to the hobo bean/apocalypse economy.

  • Negropolis

    Needz moar guillotine…

  • VinnyThePooh

    G'head and try my job, Mr. Jackass Of All Trades. I'll certainly remember to upload the video of you getting electrocuted on day 1.

  • tessiee

    "When we can't find jobs on the Street any more we're going to take yours"

    GOING to take our jobs???
    Making it worse??
    *dances*
    Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

  • Ansnarkist

    Fame throwa, pass out the gold, the diamond watch the last reward: All the things we hid before you sold us out and took it all.

  • jzgplj

    I used to work down at the Board in the 1970's. I see the douchebaggerey from there hasn't changed at all.

  • aklibtard

    This isn't original. I forgot where i first saw this, but I that letter is two or three years old. Asshole couldn't even come up with his screed.

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