NO CARRIER  4:52 pm October 27, 2011

New Bipartisan Bill Will Allow U.S. Gov’t To Shut Off Any Website, Anywhere, For Any Reason

by Ken Layne

And that was the last day anybody could get Wonkette.com to show up in a browser.You know how the politicians are always saying we need to be competitive with China? Well, we are about to get super competitive when it comes to internal censorship of the global Internet. Everybody except for a handful of malcontent “privacy activists” is behind the bold new plan to make all Internet service providers in the United States turn off any domain within five days, if Washington says “turn it off.” As usual, this new legislation is cloaked in bullshit terminology about copyright and lost profits for media conglomerates, but the result is exactly the same as China’s “great firewall” — except, this being the land of “corporations are people, my friends,” the ISPs will be responsible for the dirty work instead of some top-level government technological agency.

Via Cryptogon, here’s the relevant chunk of the legislation:

A service provider shall take technically feasible and reasonable measures designed to prevent access by its subscribers located within the United States to the foreign infringing site (or portion thereof) that is subject to the order, including measures designed to prevent the domain name of the foreign infringing site (or portion thereof) from resolving to that domain name’s Internet Protocol address. Such actions shall be taken as expeditiously as possible, but in any case within 5 days after being served with a copy of the order, or within such time as the court may order.

How? The whole Internet domain system requires a constantly updated Domain Name Server database that connects your computer to whatever server holds your “Tranny Hunter” porn or Communist Revolution/Buffy slash-fiction forum. Your ISP might be Verizon or AT&T for your “smart phone” or it might be dial-up AOL for confused old people who still have $9.95 a month charged to their Discover card. Either way, the ISP “resolves” the domain name you’re trying to reach with the computer servers that have that content, wherever it might be. (All you actual tech people in the comments can correct this if necessary.) So when the Government sends a “turn off these domains” order to your ISP, the ISP will have no choice but to block the offending websites. Problem solved! You know they’ve been working on this feverishly since the WikiLeaks outrage, right?

Here’s a Forbes blog post that explains just how the law will be used:

The PROTECT IP Act would allow copyright owners – movie studios and other content providers – simply to accuse a website of infringement, which could lead to that site being shut down by court order and entire links to the site being wiped clean from the Internet. Any website with a hyperlink, such as Twitter, Facebook or a blog, would be subject to liability. More, non-infringing sites could be inadvertently shut down under the proposal. Indeed, the law is so far-reaching that it would force Internet providers like Comcast to block all access to the allegedly illegal site.

The potential for abuse by the notoriously litigious content industry is clear. Last year, when the government sought to shut down one child pornography site, it ended up affecting some 70,000 legitimate sites for several days, even notifying visitors that the sites – many of which were business sites – were purveyors of child pornography.

For instance, the bill is so broadly written that, in theory, it would allow any copyright owner to shut down a legitimate retail website, such as Amazon or Best Buy, by alleging that one product being sold on the site could “enable or facilitate” an infringement.

But in practice, it won’t be giant business websites like Amazon that get the plug pulled. It will be the little guys, the alternative press, the OccupyWhatever sites, anything that gets in the way of the Internet’s actual role in America: retail advertising and shoe shopping and lonely online pursuits shown to lower people’s actual engagement with the world, like sport teams or pornography or gadget blogs or orc-battle games or anything shit out by the Murdoch empire of diversions.

Oh well. It was really an aberration that the Internet functioned as openly as it has these past two decades. But that era is already over, as proven by the U.K. national police shutting down mobile messaging during the summer riots or, just two months ago, San Francisco’s BART stations easily turning off all the cell phone signals within the stations to prevent protesters from organizing an action there against police brutality. [Cryptogon/Forbes/Reuters]

 
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{ 222 comments }

Chillwaver October 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

TeaPartyNation.com, you are next….

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I guess we'd better notify the users that they are purveyors of child pornography.

Chillwaver October 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Just look at "artwork" made with Paintshop Pro 1.2 under the photos section…

WunkRocker October 28, 2011 at 6:43 am

This bill, its kind of a big deal around here: http://t.co/1LXhxPui

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 6:50 am

All your bases are belong to…some shadowy government agency.

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"First Amendment? We don' need no stinkin' First Amendment!"

Occupy V572 October 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

It had a good run, but when it came up against Our Need to Be Safe, something had to give.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Or Comcast's need to be profitable. Priorities!

MLite October 28, 2011 at 10:27 am

The First Amendment only applies to corporate money; the Supreme Court says so.

Barb October 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Shut down SarahPAC. Let her work for a living. The change will do her good.

chascates October 27, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I thought we were at war with Eurasia?

Dr_Zoidberg October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

No, we have always been at war with Oceania.

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

"…at peace with Oceania."

Fixed.

Dr_Zoidberg October 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Hmm…doesn't it depend on what day of the week it is?

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I believe that was 'War on Uranus', which won best of show at a recent Adult Film Expo.

HogeyeGrex October 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Warren Uranus…

Oh yeah. I remember him.

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Pretty sure he was the guy who played Sgt. Hulka in 'Stripes'.

ghblowhard October 31, 2011 at 12:49 pm

That's double plus good

Dr_Meme November 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm

No silly. We're at war with Oceana

DerrickWildcat October 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I hope they can't do this to AOL.

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

The only case in which the term "pull the plug" is still literal. Just think, the kids these days don't even recognize the sound of a modem any more.

Dr_Zoidberg October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

They'll never experience the wonder of a bbs.

not that Dewey October 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Didn't AOL merge with Huffington Paint? I don't see a downside here.

fuflans October 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm

yeah, that 9.95 is looking pretty damn good.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I hope that they can only do this to AOL. Please, god, do this to AOL.

CliveWarren October 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

They will never be able to shut off the comment secti

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

"Tap, tap, tap…is this on? Hello?"

Schmannnity October 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I see what you did th

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Yeah, me t

flamingpdog October 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I found Obama's real birth certificate, and he was actually born in

Crank_Tango October 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

T

Callyson October 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

This is, in effect, what China, Iran, North Korea, etc. do with their national firewalls. The difference with the U.S. version is that they would force individual ISPs to carry out the bans, rather than implementing them in a centralized way.
Ah, a combination of heavy – handed government censorship and private – sector enforcement. What could possibly go wrong?

emmelemm October 27, 2011 at 6:21 pm

What could possibly go wrong?

Turning into the phrase of the year, isn't it?

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Along with "Who could have possibly predicted?"

Occupy V572 October 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Our government doesn't do anything unless some contractor can make money off it. And when it comes to war, we can't even stop doing it if some contractor is making money off it (them).

baconzgood October 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Information? Fuck that shit in George Bush's Emerica!

Sue4466 October 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Now now, we'll still get to exercise our First Amendment rights over at freespeechzone.com

Guppy October 27, 2011 at 8:20 pm

I think you mean freespeechzone.ca

Schmannnity October 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

No possibilty for mischief here! Carry on!

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

So, we should stock up on ammo and remote-control pink dildos now?

SayItWithWookies October 27, 2011 at 5:08 pm

And a domain name server with lots of memory.

Jukesgrrl October 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Don't forget the nut drivers.

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

You haven't already?

HogeyeGrex October 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

It's always a good time to stock up on ammo and remote-control pink dildos.

Like the Little Black Dress, some things are timeless.

HobbesEvilTwin October 27, 2011 at 9:47 pm

never forget the tranny pr0n

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 27, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Way ahead of you.

Moonbatting Average October 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Ironically (?), when I was in China, any website with the word "politics" in its URL or title was blocked, but porn was as easy to find as in the States.

Ken Layne October 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Porn is a *wonderful* distraction. The kleptocrats & autocrats like it that way. And who loves porn the most? Teenage boys, exactly the demographic most likely to go out and destroy shit, if anybody could get them away from the porn (and WoW).

paris biltong October 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

How dare you call me a teenage boy?

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Porn is the opiate of the masses, is what you're saying. Porn is a government conspiracy! **gasp** Rosewell, and Castro, and Moon Landing, Oh My!

flamingpdog October 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Is Wonkpron.com available?

jus_wonderin October 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Isn't that too close to Wankpron.com? One has to be careful when choosing a domain name.

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Just think how much traffic you'd get just from people who cna't spel!

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Hay! It an't eazy too spel wenn typin wit one hannd!

ProudLibunatic October 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm

My mom once tried to get gift certificates on Amazom.com.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Is there a 'Wankette.com'? If not, there certainly should be.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 2:17 am

Sara Benincasa is co-host for the second ever Fleshbot Awards, if that's what you mean.

flamingpdog October 28, 2011 at 2:59 am

Who? I have this vague recollection that someone named Sara Benincasa used to post on Wonkette, but it's been sooooooo long.

GeorgiaBurning October 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Look for the run on those .xxx domains with leetspeak-ish names ("h8the60P"). That will hold for a little while.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:44 pm

So the key is to produce porn that is secretly a devastating critique of the repressive power structure and/or includes coded messages for where/when the next insurrectionist meeting will be held.

Moonbatting Average October 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Asian Teen Gangbang at Warehouse #5 Down by the Docks at 9:00PM

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Have you been peeking at my YouPorn "recommended" list?

Ken Layne October 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

The Situationist International program, at long last!

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Gee, this shallow thread of silly porn jokes just got awfully deep in a hurry!

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

So it looks like "House Judiciary Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas) … along with committee members Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) and Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.)" are bought and sold property of the RIAA and MPAA.

Ken Layne October 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Don't forget Chris Dodd (D-crook). He sponsored it in the Senate.

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

And a big thank you to Ron Wyden:

"It is similar to the PROTECT IP Act, which passed the Senate Judiciary Committee last May, but stalled after Sen. Ron Wyden, (D-Oregon) placed a hold on the bill. Wyden argued that the bill infringed on free speech and would discourage innovation."

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

just about everything I hear about the guy almost makes we wish I'd stayed in OR, just so I could for the guy again, every six years.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 2:18 am

He also helped get Bob Bennett tea bagged.

mrblifil October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Ah…Chris Dodd never figured the internet would notice his fealty to the Money Industry.

paris biltong October 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Whatever happened to the useful phrase "in the tank"?

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Conyers is so damned old and feeble, I doubt he even knows he's on the committee to be completely honest. After his wife was sent to the pokey, he got way more distant and zoned out.

ghblowhard October 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I worry about anyone named Lamar

johnnyzhivago October 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Freedom was overrated anyway…

NorthStarSpanx October 27, 2011 at 9:09 pm

We all know this isn't about freedom or information, it's from a butt-hurt POTUS candidate who didn't appreciate becoming a frothy substance in any Google searches.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Also a butt-hurt POTUS who didn't appreciate Wikileaks.

Callyson October 27, 2011 at 5:03 pm

But there is *some* sanity still in Washington:
Senator Ron Wyden, a moderate Democrat from Oregon, has courageously put a hold on the Senate bill because of his concerns about the bill’s infringement of free speech and stifling of innovation.
Though he might guarantee the death of this bill if he were to add an amendment to the bill that had a tax increase…

johnnyzhivago October 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

The media/entertainment complex sends word that for THIS legislation, a tax increase on their customers is perfectly acceptable.

Golfing_OJ October 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

We'll simply have to take over some corporate-approved blogsite and communicate in code.

I'll start: If I post, on RachelRay.com, the following:
1 cup butter
1/4 tablespoon sage

It really means:

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
the Gunpowder Treason and Plot!

What a fucking shithole, this country.

Chillwaver October 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm

If any site needs to be shutdown, it's RachelRay.com

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Isn't that where you can order those natty PLO kaffiyehs?

Chillwaver October 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Or that infamous EVOO Dispenser.

OzoneTom October 27, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Great, your plainly-stated plan marks Wonkette as a site for disseminating the means to conduct an illegal circumvention of emericun laws.

owhatever October 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Warning to our government: Don't piss off the eleven-year-old geeks by messing with their computers. They will hack you into little pieces and spread your gooey remains on Herman Cain pizzas.

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Interesting point — on the same day that Sen. Gillibrand rips the Pentagon for having pretty much no fucking clue how computers work or what security is. The Nerd Armies won't take kindly to this…

Carrabuda October 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm

You know, that thought actually makes me feel rather cheerful. Thanks.

ManchuCandidate October 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I dunno. Hollywood recycles the same old shit. Overcharges for the same said recycled shit. And then expects me to pay to see that?

The reason why MGM nearly went tits up was because they were banking on milking their library of movies through DVDs forever while making the odd James Bond movie here and there (BTW, Quantum of Shit.. sucked) but couldn't because the value of their collection disappeared in part because DVD sales fell off the map and wasn't entirely piracy.

MGM is the first in the long inevitable line of studio flameouts which is going to happen as film franchises get long in the tooth.

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Yeah, now that you mention it, that was the first Bond film that actually left me felling depressed.

How in the hell did they manage that?

jaytingle October 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

You mean to say that MGM was on the ropes because someone illegally downloaded Saturday The Fourteenth Strikes Back? Not to be controversial, but I enjoyed Quantum of Shit.

WordSaladNation October 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

I heard an interview with Idris Elba (from The Wire and the BBC series Luther) in which he talked about how much he would love to play James Bond in a future film. Can you imagine the collective explosion of wingnuts' heads around the world if James Bond was…a black man???

io9k9s October 29, 2011 at 12:49 am

Is this post like one of those chinese poems that when read outloud and backwards reveals its true nature….

SexySmurf October 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

If you think that's bad, an early draft of the bill required all offending web sites to be shot in the face with tear gas canisters.

flamingpdog October 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

by Darth Cheney.

GhostBuggy October 27, 2011 at 5:28 pm

And they'll have to apologize to him after the fact.

MaxNeanderthal October 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

To all you OWS troops, watch out for C cell batteries- I've heard that by an amazing co-incidence, they're exactly the calibre of your average gas/rubber bullet gun. Just sayin'…..

ifthethunderdontgetya October 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

The PROTECT IP Act

Hey, that rhymes with the USA PATRIOT Act! So no doubt it's the work of a pack of shameless corporate whores.

House Judiciary Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas) introduced the bill along with committee members Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) and Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.).

Fuck all of you worthless scumbags.
~

hagajim October 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

What a crock of shit this entire thing is…funny thing about this is that the country is swirling around the toilet right now and these dickholes are more worried about shutting down shit on the internet than doing their fucking jobs…cocksuckers, all of 'em, except maybe Wyden and I caveat that with "maybe".

Jukesgrrl October 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Banning things is way easier than providing solutions to problems. Just ask the people who hate abortion so much.

"Please help me, I don't have the wherewithal to care for another child."
"Fine. We'll force you to have it. There … all better? Bye."

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Don't forget Bernie Sanders!

paris biltong October 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Much of this so-called valuable content sucks.

Also, products that enable or facilitate infringements include a fairly wide range of electronic devices so that all hardware distributors are in some way breaking the law.

PuckStopsHere October 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Does this mean we can't say cocksucker on the internet anymore? Cause really, if you can't do that, what's the point?

weejee October 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm

And Kochsucker too, also?

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Neither of those words are (yet) protected by copyright, so you're OK.

johnnyzhivago October 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

It might not be a bad idea, comrades, to post the original article link in your "Facebook" things for the masses to read.

CapnFatback October 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

PEDOBEAR WILL NOT LET THIS STAND!!!

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 2:19 am

PEDOBEAR MAKES THE SOVIET BEAR LOOK LIKE A TWINK.

meatlofer October 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I guess it will keep the Tubes from getting too full.

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 6:47 pm

If only it were a big truck, we'd have more room.

snackypants October 28, 2011 at 2:01 am

We have run out of room for free speech!

SayItWithWookies October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

For instance, the bill is so broadly written that, in theory, it would allow any copyright owner to shut down a legitimate retail website, such as Amazon or Best Buy, by alleging that one product being sold on the site could “enable or facilitate” an infringement.

What a sickening and heavy-handed abuse of power. On the other hand, I am sorta looking forward to Bill Watterson shutting down the entire redneck truck sticker sector of the US economy.

Occupy V572 October 27, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Shutting down Amazon would be fine with me. They're not our friends.

emmelemm October 27, 2011 at 6:38 pm

The only possible good that could come of this.

Ken Layne October 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I'm pretty sure those stickers with "Calvin pissing on the cross" or whatever he's doing are made by some meth-head in his garage, no Internet required.

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 12:12 am

"are made by some meth-head in his garage in China"

/fixed

DaRooster October 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

"Hey Mom, will I soon be able to beat up my Big Brother? He deserves it."

OneYieldRegular October 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm

OT, but Slavoj Žižek has a provocative piece on OWS over at the Guardian – at least until it gets shut down:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/oct/

elviouslyqueer October 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Suds McKenzie is, even as we speak, furiously trying to get a refund for his purchase of beckybeckybeckystan.com

not that Dewey October 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

And when they ask me who is the president of the domain registry company that hosts beckybeckybeckystan.com I’m going to say, you know, I don’t know. Do you know?

mrblifil October 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Well, they won the war against Napster, they will probably win this war too. Then we can have a multi-tiered internet where for a really fancy premium, they'll let you see stuff if you promise to set an egg timer while you "interface" with the "content." If you are still masturbating when the bell rings, you are summarily Gitmo'd.

Crank_Tango October 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I think that's how I developed premature eggjackulation.

jus_wonderin October 27, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Guys, your yokes are cracking me up.

FakaktaSouth October 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Cock-upy Wonkette. I am classless. I am ready.

chascates October 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Most people won't be able to afford internet access much longer anyway.

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

House Judiciary Chairman Lamar Smith (R-Texas) introduced the bill along with committee members Rep. John Conyers (D-Mich.), Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) and Rep. Howard Berman (D-Calif.).

Your elected representatives – courageously preventing the sinking of the Titanic, one deck-chair at a time.

poncho_pilot October 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Rep. Bob Goodlatte? Is he owned by Starbucks? Never trust man a named after a coffee drink.

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

It's surprising that the music and movie industries still have the resources to to lobby for draconian anti-piracy measures; I thought the music industry was pretty much destroyed by cassettes and taping off the radio back in the 70s, and the movie industry by VCRs and recording rented videos in the 80s.

johnnyzhivago October 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Probably it's the Comcast, Verizon and AT&T that are really pushing this.

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

They wouldn't be, the bill would force them to enforce IP law and mean a lot more work for them. According to the articles, it's the MPAA that's really pushing for this, out of their fear of bittorent.

paris biltong October 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

They probably use the chance of rubbing shoulders with movie stars as bait. Congresspeople would do anything to get away from their dreary surroundings.

littlebigdaddy October 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

First they came for the buttsechs enthusiasts….

mrblifil October 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

George Tenet, the CIA director during 9/11 and the Invasion of Iraq, at his retirement ceremony joked that he required his teenage son to help him figure out his email. He's really not that old a guy. We often forget that entire swaths of the population missed out on the PC revolution and they really have no idea how it works or what it's for. And many many of those types of people are in important positions, determining things like internet intellectual property matters. We are doomed.

Jukesgrrl October 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm

We have a Supreme Court that can't tell the difference between a cell phone and an intercom and a Senate that thinks the internet is a series of tubez. How could that possibly be a problem?

Indiepalin October 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

It's no surprise that a champion of limited government like Lamar Smith is behind this. I think there should be a question about this legislation during the next GOP debate / goatfuck in Nov. Front-runners like Cain, Perry and Romney are probably already having their teams of policy wonks analyze this brilliant piece of legislation.

WriteyWriterton October 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

"…teams of policy wonks…"

You meant "…accountant in Ohio…" right?

Indiepalin October 27, 2011 at 5:34 pm

A rodeo clown in Waco is more likely.

mrblifil October 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm

ROFL. That was a good laugh. You owe me a new computer screen, from it now being drenched with an admixture of coffee and nasal boogers. Yep, we just need ONE INTREPID REPORTER OUT THERE to deliver some bracing JOURNALISM. Fingers crossed!

Chichikovovich October 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

With a tough, cynical Washington bureau editor who only occasionally slips and reveals his heart of gold. And a senior partner who smiles quietly when the intrepid youngster reminds the oldster of how he acted in his own rash youth. But he'll have setbacks, and one source will probably set him up. Can he get the BIG STORY?

user-of-owls October 27, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Forget it guys. Even Perry White read the handwriting on the wall and got out of journalism. These days he's writing for Politico.

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 7:40 pm

And Jonah Jameson sold the Daily Bugle to not-Rupert-Murdoch to successfully run for Mayor of New York, while Peter Parker joined Ben Urich and Robbie Robertson's new online paper Frontline.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Don't forget the wisecracking, tough talking ex-wife who still secretly loves both him AND the news biz. And wears cool hats.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 27, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Gee — reminds me of a classic movie. Excuse me while I see if thepiratebay.org has it.

Blueb4sunrise October 27, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Ah gotcher infringement riiiight here muthafuckas!

poncho_pilot October 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm

intellectual property. what a bunch of of horse shit. the entertainment industry doesn't produce anything new. there are no new ideas. if anything, they took old ideas and turned them into money. they didn't invent the light bulb joke. they just created thousands of variations that are used against us so they can make money on dividing us in to niche markets. and we're supposed to feel sorry for them while they cling to their gold like the pirates they are. fuck these people. anyone who thinks you can own an idea is an asshole who wants control over someone.

Antispandex October 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Freedom isn't free…literally. It appears you must pay for your freedom with actual money! Who knew?

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I for one welcome our new ISP overloads, and would like to remind them that I can be useful in identifying subversive comments on blogs so the authors can be sent off to work in the underground sugar mines.

GregComlish October 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

this new lingo … "underground sugar mine" … is that a cunnilingus reference?

OccupyFnChicken October 27, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Betcha that'll fucking get AOL's attention.

mavenmaven October 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I can imagine a day when the only fast food web site allowed will be Godfather's Pizza.

Blueb4sunrise October 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Remember, if you get questioned:

"…, I am unaware of any such activity or operation – nor would
I be disposed to discuss such an operation if it did in
fact exist,…."

Jukesgrrl October 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I'm not worried. Al Gore can invent an inter-internet.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Al Gore is The Architect?

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Yes, and if he gets some funding from The Oracle (of Omaha), we can rebuild this thing from the ashes.

Come here a minute October 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

As long as they don't shut down standupamericanow.org, how can any Godfearing American complain?

elviouslyqueer October 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Seriously, with this kind of inane legislation, is it any wonder that the whole of Congress has become a swirly in desperate need of flushing?

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 12:19 am

You know, I truly worry about Congress. I couldn't give a fuck about the current system or members, but if the numbers keep getting worse or staying consistently bad, I can see a president (Democrat or Republican) formally calling for the dissolution of the body, or at least officially reducing it to an advisory position. I really do think Americans are naive if they think that that can't happen to our democracy.

neiltheblaze October 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Can't wait until the Liberals are back in power and we can shut down RedState and Politico for fun every three days.

Wonder if Lamar thought about that at all.

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Fuck that, when we get back in power we shut down the web sites of everyone who voted for this bill.

Then we require redstate to redirect to gotse, just for fun.

poncho_pilot October 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

goatse is a regular saturday for some of them.

Guppy October 27, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Here's the kicker: the Liberals are in power.

Seriously, what else were you expecting from California Democrats if not kowtowing to Big Media? That's like expecting Nebraska Republicans to rail against corn subsidies.

cheetojeebus October 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm

The elders of the internet are going to be pissed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDbyYGrswtg

Wonderthing October 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Oh, everyone just calm down. I mean it isn't like those autocratic fucks are going to stop us from po

RadioOcupados October 27, 2011 at 6:28 pm

T

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 6:05 pm

404 Snark Not Found

Lucidamente1 October 27, 2011 at 6:07 pm

So that's why I can't link to Kortney anymore.

weejee October 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

The Internet is having its tubes tied??

OT – Fed Judge Mary Scriven told Rick Scott to pissoff regards his welfare pee test.

rocktonsam October 27, 2011 at 6:12 pm

what about teh PORN?
THINK OF THE PORN PEOPLE!!1!!

RadioOcupados October 27, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Ken, all you guys, it was fun, and enlightening, while it lasted. Last one out, don't forget to tell Kortney.

elviouslyqueer October 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Yoo hoo, Mr. or Ms. Government Lookieloo! If you're searching for exceedingly raunchy copyright-breaking tranny hooker scat videos, look no further. And you can thank me later.

Just doing my civic duty.

EQ

littlebigdaddy October 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

What a disappointment…looking for hawt trannies and getting Breitbart instead. Yer messing with my internetz!

elviouslyqueer October 27, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Rep. Goodlatte? That you? I thought Louie Gohmert would've gotten here first.

Uniprober October 27, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Victory Gin all around!

EatsBabyDingos October 27, 2011 at 6:24 pm

We're on a Mexican Radio

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 6:45 pm

And always have been.

Guppy October 27, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Needz moar video.

(Yeah, I know it's not the original, but having it covered by a Mexican band is irony too delicious to pass up.)

poorgradstudent October 27, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Freedom in 21st century America is the freedom to bully and step on those poorer than you.

poorgradstudent October 27, 2011 at 6:28 pm

We ain't got no bread and soon we won't get no circuses either, also.

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 12:23 am

And when both are gone comes the war…

BaldarTFlagass October 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there's Ken, popping up at the end of a dreary barren three-post day at Wonkette to send me into a tailspin of depression, misery and gloom for the evening. I still have 13 vicodins left from my root canal last week, I wonder if that's enough to finish me off. Maybe if I throw them in on top of a quart of Bacardi!

BaldarTFlagass October 27, 2011 at 6:33 pm

First, they came for my pornsites, but I…

Ahh, fuggit.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 7:13 pm

I have a feeling that if they tried to take American men's pornsites away, we would really see the pitchfork and torches come out. Also guillotines.

BaldarTFlagass October 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

So, like, if I don't like the weather and complain to the right person, they'll take down weather.com or weatherunderground? Because this drought is still working us over down here.

Chichikovovich October 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Just complain to Rick Perry. I hear he has got major drought-ending connections with the Big Man Upstairs.

Chichikovovich October 27, 2011 at 6:46 pm

This is crafted broadly because they actually have a lot of targets. Another is countries with the same period of copyright validity that the US used to have, before Disney etc. started paying Congressgrifters to keep making the copyright period last longer and longer, so it's always at least as long as the age of Snow White. So now there is all sorts of stuff that can be posted in Canada but not in the US, because in Canada it is in public domain. There has already been a case of an Austrian music company publishing classical scores that sued a Canadian database that was publishing material that was public domain in Canada but still protected in Austria. Canadian courts told 'em to piss off, of course, so I assume that the American content hoarders also want to be able to stomp people who download from foreign public domain websites.

Lucidamente1 October 27, 2011 at 6:54 pm

The publisher was Universal Editions, who actually had a point (they've published an assload of classics of twentieth-century music, and didn't what to see what little margins they earned go up in smoke). Anyway, imslp.org cleaned up its act, relaunched, and has been very careful about making public domain music available for free.

Chichikovovich October 27, 2011 at 7:02 pm

My understanding had been – though you may be able to correct me – that originally the Austrian company had tried to get imslp.org to stop offering anything protected in Austria. That didn't fly, but they did find things that were still protected by Canadian copyright law too, and that is what forced the temporary shutdown.

Lucidamente1 October 27, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I'm fuzzy on the details, but I think Universal's first cease and desist letter concerned composers in its list; after an initial brush-off, they sent a more extensive one, claiming protection for everything covered under Austrian law. For once, though, there was actually a happy ending, as imslp.org has been going strong since its return in 2008. They're now super careful about blocking downloads of scores still in copyright (though somehow I was able to get Berg's Lyric Suite, don't ask, not important, nothing to see here . . .).

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Bye-bye Wonketteers! It was nice knowing you while we could still banter about the over-sexed, the under-sexed, the drunk, the closeted, and the clinically insane who rule our government.

Keep on truckin.

user-of-owls October 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

On the upside, if this is targeting sites that solely exist to ripoff actual producers, we can finally say goodbye to Drudge.

slowhansolo October 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I'm sure, just absolutely certain, this isn't as bad as it sounds. Because I live in America, where that kind of shit does not fly. Plus, if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that politics is just politics. It has no effect whatsoever on anyone's day to day life.

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Exactly how will this create jobs?

Blueb4sunrise October 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm

snitch.gov

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Well I suppose the internet companies will have to hire more tech nerds to implement this idiocy.

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 12:24 am

Magic, that's how. Freedom is magic.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 2:20 am

Stasi.

fuflans October 27, 2011 at 7:16 pm

well i'm hearing that the cdc and obama want to test anthrax vaccine on kids, so this seems about right.

on the plus side, without free internet, the wingtards won't be able to get their panties in a wad as easily.

Spurning Beer October 27, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Local and federal US law enforcement agencies are also requesting Google to remove videos showing police brutality and the like:
http://www.care2.com/causes/who-wanted-google-to-

Guppy October 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Update: the PROTECT IP Act has been renamed to the E-PARASITE Act.

You can't make this shit up.

ShaveTheWhales October 27, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Jesus weened.

ttommyunger October 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I for one will certainly sleep more soundly tonight knowing that my Government Fathers are working diligently to protect me from any and all unfiltered, undirected or raw information. I realize I'm just not intellectually or morally equipped to discern truth from harmful propaganda. Thank you, Big Brother.

TitsAkimbo October 27, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I just bought out the local Post Office's entire supply of Forever© Stamps. Who needs this "internet", anyway?

misanthrope October 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Sleep with the lights on white devil your time is coming.

tessiee October 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

"Communist Revolution/Buffy slash-fiction forum"__

So, no more "Leon Trotsky has a threesome with Willow and Xander" stories, would be my take-away.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Bless their hearts. They actually believe they can control the this system of pulleys and tubes. The genie's outta the fuckin' bottle, y'all. Get used to it.

But, yeah; this whole blog can be shipped to Afghanistan. No one has lost any. No one has lost any, indeed.

Negropolis October 28, 2011 at 12:00 am

Begun, the Internet Wars have.

Seriously, if they tought Anonymous was bad, they ain't seen nothin' yet.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 2:20 am

The Net was Prophecy.

dennis1943 October 28, 2011 at 12:51 pm

The backlash will be epic…………….wait and see………….

bebecca2298 October 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Why is it the government's responsibility to police the IP rights of private companies? I smell a rat.

horsedreamer_1 October 28, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Today, 4chan is the Free France Resistance.

Vive le Ceiling Cat!

Golfing_OJ October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I hear they're sending General Betrayus to waste all the protesters at just one place, Occup

Dr_Zoidberg October 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Wait, when did this turn into a Candlejack thr

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:38 pm

What is the origin of 'T'? I have been dying to know. Not enough to track back through months of posts, but still…

Generation[redacted] October 27, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I know a site where we can lodge complains. Hey where'd it go?

Lascauxcaveman October 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Mmm. The smell of burning leather.

TitsAkimbo October 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

That belongs on the Herb Cain thread down there.

MissTaken October 27, 2011 at 6:54 pm

It was an incredibly insightful tweet from that master of the English language, Sarah Palin, herself.

SorosBot October 27, 2011 at 6:54 pm

It was a twitter-thingy from Sarah Palin; she sent want out that was nothing but T.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Thanks. I had a feeling it was Palin-related.

RavenRant October 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Thanks for the explanation. She really is a lot like Shakespeare, isn't she?

Not_So_Much October 27, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Groupon.

user-of-owls October 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Jimmy Olsen's working at the Huffington Post, but the word is you don't want to know how he got that job.

emmelemm October 27, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Clearly she just took "Brevity is the soul of wit" to heart.

RavenRant October 28, 2011 at 11:19 pm

My mom once tried to buy a 'computer' cup that had been advertised as on sale. The store manager said they didn't have any in stock.

Just as I was tearing him a new asshole for bait and switch, it turns out she had seen an ad for a 'commuter cup'.

Quietly and apologetically, I bought the cup. It was a useless, leaky piece of crap.

The End.

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