Delusional vanity candidate Herman Cain is still successfully duping his excitable mouth-breather viewers watching at home into believing that he is at least half-interested in running an actual presidential campaign instead of just siphoning money from the donations to buy up his terrible books, but apparently his staffers are starting to grow wise to the scheme. Their biggest “clue” seems to be that he is an aloof rich guy who is constantly screwing everything up – from his weird videos to names of countries to simple policy questions — just as surely as he shows zero interest in fixing any of it. Because hey, if his style was good enough for shitty pizza, it’s good enough for a presidential campaign!
The NYTimes has a fun report full of cantankerous interviews with former staffers complaining about how he is a terrible manager who never bothers to communicate with his staff or whatever — basically everything everyone hated about proven grifter Sarah Palin in 2008 minus the $150,000 Nieman Marcus shopping receipt, because he’s already rich. AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT.
From the article:
And then there was that e-mail to the staff about traveling in a car with Mr. Cain: “Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to,” the memo said.
“I found it odd,” said a former staff member who liked to prep Mr. Cain for appearances while driving. The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, quit not long afterward, citing the e-mail as one of the deciding factors.
Herman Cain and his piles of pizza money are too fancy for all of you losers!
Setting up offices was also something of a trial. “When I told people, ‘You’ll be getting offices and phone lines,’ I’d have to postpone that,” the former staff member in Iowa said. “It was like they were running for sophomore class president.”
Mr. Hall added, “We couldn’t even get our own e-mail addresses,” for the campaign.
And on and on and on and on. There are dozens of these quotes in the story. But who’s got time for offices and phone lines when your fifteen minutes are about to be up? [NYT]
{ 242 comments }
Don't talk to me!
“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
–
AnonymousHerman CainYou laugh now libtards, but Cain-Tebow 2012 is going to crush.
Help us Ndamukong Suh, you're our only hope.
I saw Tebow in a pancake this morning. I poured my syrup in a spiral just so he could see what one looked like.
Did you then throw it sidearm past your wide open mouth to the dog that was covering you?
Beautiful!
Did the pancake pull the ball down and run off the plate short of the bacon ?
I hate Tim Tebow – he plays football about as well as Cain makes pizza (or runs for office) AND he can't do it without crying, AND his insane mom thinks everyone should be forced to make the same decisions she did – by what the voices in her head told her during her delusions, which included shunning medical care.
My dog plays better football than Tebow, and with a lot fewer tears.
After his big Superbowl ad in favor of forced childbirth and constant screaming about Jesus, though, watching his NFL career has been schadenfreuderrific.
Yeah, and Denver can't cut him for fear of all the BS about how that move would prove they hate Christians… Tebow knew what he was doing and what he's doing is exploiting his faith (assuming he really has it) and the faith of others for his personal enrichment. What a jerk!
You give him WAY too much credit. Kid isn't that smart.
Someone NEAR him knew what he was doing, but it sure wasn't Tim.
But here's a guy who KNOWS his "Hail Mary" passes are going to succeed!
Can't wait until Teatards start calling him upitty.
The Godfather is near!
Well, "some people" might say that not letting your staff speak unless spoken to is a little a-r-r-o-g-a-n-t. I mean, some people could say that, amirite?
Well, honestly, since 2008 you can't say shit to any of us black folks. Just sayin'
What happens if the wingnuts never figure out that Cain doesn't actually want to be president or even win the nomination?
The weirdest presidential campaign ever?
I miss Pat Paulson.
Mike Gravel'sPerry's Rock 2012
Or find out he's black.
Hell, most of those idiots never gave up on Palin, so what does that say about their level of intelligence?
He never expected his campaign to be successful!
♪♫ It's Springtime for Herman ♫♪
"Springtime for Hitler and Hermany"?
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the great Tea Party!
Springtime for Herman and GOP
Winter, for libruls and gays!
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the darker race!
Springtime for Herman and GOP
The middle class takes it up the ass, ev'ry time
Springtime for Herman and GOP
Watch out, Dems, it's nein nein nein!
Bravo. I guess this explains why all those artists are willing to sell their souls.
Bravo doubled!
"A black man running as a Republican? It was a can't miss failure!"
"Where did we go right?"
Dick Cheney will be put in charge of his VP search.
I love that he says he will sign a constitutional amendment that bans abortion. I wonder if he will write in a $2.00 tip at the bottom for the guy who delivers this document to him.
With a signing statement exempting members of his own family, of course.
Has he said how he'll vote on Supreme Court cases too?
He should have Palin as his running mate. He has no idea what the POTUS does and she still doesn't know what the VEEP does.
Helicopter huntin' and snowmobilin' when not shopping.
It's been my experience that moneyed christo-republicans are the cheapest tippers.
Let's face it: tipping is a kind of wealth redistribution and therefore socialist. What did you do to earn that tip? If you're not rich, blame yourself!
Allow me to paint a picture for you, son. The tip is for a cocktail server, tall, firm breasts, long legs that make her look like a pelican on stilts. She's carrying a perfect martini and you are reaching for your money clip. Do you tip her?
I usually just leave my room key with the check. She goes home satisfied.
Throw the money clip on the ground. When she goes for it, tip her right on over if she'll let me.
If you're in that situation, you're probably a Republican, so it's still $2 tops.
Then you ask the name of that cute Mexican busboy.
It all makes sense now. Herman Cain is a performance art piece by "Eyes Wide Shut"-era Tom Cruise.
The only difference here, is that the people getting fucked are America.
Needs moar naked Nichole Kidman.
What doesn't? But yes….
And who wants to smoke a joint with Pizzaguy?
Waste of good weed…
When I was 15, I would smoke weed with anybody who had pizza.
Wwooorrrrrsssssttttt mmmooooovvviiiieeee eeeevvvveeeerrrr.
The fuck you say. That three hour goddamned movie was terrible.
Now I know why Stanley Kubrick died.
The piano, make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom Cruise looked like he was faking it through the entire movie. Herman Cain, unfortunately, looks like he's being genuine. And that can't be attributed to Tom Cruise learning to act, because — well — he can't.
Don't these people know Herman Cain was a CEO? That title confers on him infinite power, goodness and wisdom, as well as the ability to make all that cruddy infrastructure stuff happen all by itself. Don't have an office, phone or email? Don't blame Herman Cain — blame yourself!
Lift yourself up by your own bra/jock straps.
When I think of CEOs, I include Ken Lay, Stanley O'Neal, Carly Fiorina, Dennis Kozlowski and Bernie Ebbers.
Yeesh. Talk about a God(father) complex.
Voters should be seen and not heard (from).
Hermanator Shrugged.
MrLimeylizzie, not usually any kind of conspiracy nut, thinks that the Dirty Kock Brothers are just throwing money at him so that he will beat Perry and then when Mittens wins then Cain will endorse him.
It could be; although I think that the main reason the Republican party powers that be want him in there is so they can say, "we're not racist, we've got one black guy running for the nomination".
Agreed, they seem to be weirdly gleeful in touting his “Blackness” compared to Obama's bi-racial background. What kind of bizarre racism is that?
Yes, a black
strawmanperson — but not a competent one. That would be uncomfortable.That would require being intelligent and organized enough to execute such a conspiracy to begin with.
I think I read something along the same lines – that the slightly saner band of the GOP wants all those "lesser" candidates in the mix just to marginalize any defeat Romney might have in the early primaries/caucuses. But ultimately, the real powers are willing to bite the bullet and accept Mitts because he is the only one sane enough to beat Obama. However, since the Mitts is totally unacceptable to the far right base, they have to keep these other goobers hanging around. But that tact looks like it may be backfiring with Cain – the peeplz jes love the man!
They've certainly gone out of their way to split up the nutter demographic. Now that Perry's stuffed his custom leather cowboy boot into his mouth several times, Mittens can just mail it in.
Back to Mitt trashing Obama in 3, 2, 1…
I think the Kochs are taking bets on how far this asshole can go in the primaries.
They had a seasoned white candidate named "Herman Cain" ready to go, and then framed him for selling heroin to school children. Then they bailed Leroy Smith out of jail, renamed him "Herman Cain" and set him loose on the campaign trail. I can't remember which Koch brother had the $1 on him going all the way and the original Herman Cain hitting skid row.
$1?
That's what "gentlemen" always bet each other.
A $1 bet on whether he can replace Winthorpe?
[insert Eddie Murphy laugh here]
now imagining the line where Winthorp remembers "then there was this terrible awful Negro", but in Mitt Romney's voice
something like this?
"Trading Places – Bookies" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4Uv4ftekaI
It's frightening to think the Kochs Bros want Mittens, but if they wanted someone else they would just shower that individual with money and adulation ("Your nation needs you!") until he succumbed. The Wise Ones of Cable Talk are saying it's now too late for anyone else to enter the race so Mr Limeylizzie must be correct.
And that's good: with help from the religious loonies, Hopey can beat Mittens.
The Occcams Razor in me says the Repug primary voters are just god-mormon fearing gullible lemmings.
Mittens/Cain 2012!
Soon pizza sauce will be counted as a vegetable in school lunches.
But ketchup on french fries counts as two servings!
I think the Dirty Kock Brothers have money on most of them, just in case.
I keep hearing this. The flaw I see is that AFP and the Kochs have absolutely no use for Mittens. He's not nearly far enough to the right for their taste.
These guys have never been willing to compromise before. Rather, like some crazy mix of Carnegie and Mao, they've been throwing money behind every nutty far right, property uber alles movement for 30 years, from Heritage and Cato to the Libertarian Party and AFP. Sure, AFP was able to co-opt the Teahadists, but not with any sort of vision of compromise. Which is Mittens all over.
I think ol' Herm is just a stalking horse to keep the conversations nutty and as far right as possible for as long as possible. I even think that if Mittens gets the nomination tied up without pledging a blood oath to institute a flat tax, eliminate capital gains taxes entirely and all strip mining and mountain top removal in the middle of national monuments (up to and including decapitating Mt. Rushmore to look for shale) AFP might "encourage" the TP to run Cain or some other willing fool as a 3rd party candidate.
Now, if Mittens drives hard right, they might back him (although you can't trust him in a stiff breeze), but in doing so he helps Obama frame the debate. So either way they lose, but continue their march towards ultimate freedumz.
Good thing Cain's ego is so huge.
He can appreciate his status as a strategy, (or strategery, if you will), instead of as a human being.
Anagrams of "Herman Cain" include: Cannier Ham, Enrich A Man, and Inane Charm.
…and Canine Harm. (the Dogfather?)
You don't want to know what's in that "sausage" pizza…
Snoop Dogg libel!
Toast by Herman Cain at the Staff Pizza Party:
"Here's looking down at you, kid!"
Oh yeah? If he's so comically incompetent, then why did he release that cool smoking guy campaign ad?
And, my personal fav – Yellow Flowers!
No Touching!
Do not look at Mr. Cain.
Do not taunt Mr. Cain. Do not use Mr. Cain on concrete. Ingredients of Mr. Cain include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Mr. Cain may stick to certain types of skin.
Mr. Cain is people!
Oh, I take umbrage with this, sir! I have yet to see any conclusive proof!
Also, have you tried Soylent Cola? I've heard the taste differs from person to person.
Do not listen to Mr. Cain.
You never look a pimp in the eye. A ho might get slapped for reckless eyeballing!
Keep that pimp hand strong, Herb.
Just sounds as if there is plaque build up in the arteries to the brain. Too much bad pepperoni will do that to you.
What, exactly, is "Mr. Former Staff Member's" major malfunction/problem? Sophomore class president is a big fucking deal.
who liked to prep Mr. Cain for appearances while driving
Driving Mr. Crazy
But I just bought the "beckybeckybeckystan.com" domain name
I guess I'll have to tell the kids there will be no Christmas this year.
Duh, you have to buy the top level country code domain: .co.bsbsbsbs
I'd have gone for the .xxx domain instead.
Thats what the kids said.
Focus on MFFF porn starring three Becky's and a Stan and it could pay for Christmas presents for years to come.
Make it cojoined midget triplet Beckys and you'll make millions.
"The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, quit not long afterward, citing the e-mail as one of the deciding factors."
If dude no longer works there, why the fuck is he worried about remaining anonymous? Does he think he might get kneecapped?
Duh. Godfather!
Because "badmouths former employers" always looks good on a resume.
I said 'NO ANCHOVIES' dammit!
“Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to”: at least it's better than "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
"Pay no attention to the brothers behind the curtain."
Fixed.
“Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to"
What part of stone-fuck-nuts don't people understand?
The MSM is calling him…..lazy….we can see where this is going to go.
The word they're looking for, I believe, is "shiftless."
He sings spirituals dressed in a choir robe, sure, but can he play the banjo?
But he can't be, he's a corporate guy!
As we speak, Nate Silver is detailing how Cain is moving uppity in the polls.
Mr. Cain is NOT lazy. He is intellectually incurious, but works very hard at being a dumbfuck grifter.
The pig farmers in Iowa ain't voting for this turd.
And why do we allow pig farmers and the 12 people in New Hampshire to go first? Honestly, nothing would do more to advance the liberal cause nationally than allowing say, California or New York the advantage of being the first in the nation primary state.
Imagine the equivalent to the corn dog pictures if California were the first primary state.
Tofurkey dogs?
A glass of Chardonnay and a medical marijuana lolipop?
Delicious sopes!
How would that help? NY or CA would pick the Romney types, while the Cain/Bachmans winning Iowa/NH gets the spotlight shining on the real Repub base.
The argument is that in the small states is possible for a new candidate without a lot of money to win votes by going to town halls, shopping centers, individual homes or farms, etc, in a way that wouldn't be possible in CA or NY because of all the moniez it takes to advertise in SF, San Diego, LA, NYC, etc.
Now, however, with candidates dropping out on the basis of play-to-pay "straw polls" and other ephemera, it begins to seems crazee…
If that's the case, why not hold it in Rhode Island or Delaware, which are even smaller and more ethnically diverse?
“Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to,” the memo said.
Well, when England decides it needs a new queen, he could be the guy.
He'll take over for Boy George?
Oh, no, I hear he's very approachable. Especially if you're an underage Asian male.
But, like the royalty of old, he'll chain you to a radiator in a hot minute.
So you're saying he's qualified to play grab-ass with Michelle Obama?
This works too: Well, when England decides it needs a new queen, he could be the gay.
Well, when England decides it needs a new queen, he could be the guy.
Marcus is burning.
Or, as Cain called it, "tossing his dough."
How 'bout spreadin' his sauce?
Slicin' his pepperoni?
ouch
It's still probably better than having to prepare Santoum and try to make it look good.
Mmmm….special sauce……
For once, the source article is funnier than the Wonkette satire. (Herman Cain sits in chair while an aide preps him for a personal appearance by strangling him)
To be deluded enough by Cain pretend campaign to vote for him, or at least tell pollsters you plan to, is bad enough; but to be deluded enough to actually work for his campaign for more than just the paycheck takes serious blinders.
They believe. In something, I'm just not sure what.
This gives us all 99%er's ideas, that we can run for office and someone out there is crazy enough to want to work for us no matter how unqualified, uninterested or invested we are in holding office.
They're not sure, either.
“Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to,” Excellent advice I got from a lawyer when I went before the judge. Not good advice to give a volunteer for your campaign.
Also excellent advice when approaching Satan.
You know who else's staff was treated like shit and could not speak to him unless spoken to?
Rocky Balboa?
Everyone working in corporate America?
Simon Legree?
Jesus F. Christ?
Leona Helmsley?
Sarah Palin?
Roger Ailes?
Marge Schott?
John Holmes?!
Martha Stewart?
Moses?
Mr. Kurtz?
Howard Kurtz? He's supposed to be a sweetheart.
Colonel Walter E. Kurtz
Ha ha, gotcha!
Vladimir Harkonnen?
Thomas Crapper?
The C.E.O. of Bank of America?
Dr. Gregory House?
Naomi Campbell?
Yet he sings like an angel.
And a freak in the sheets….
♪ Let the steagle soar! ♪
Which staffer was in charge of removing all the brown M&Ms from the candy bowl?
… or the Apples from Oranges.
Mr. Cain follows a strict "If it's brown, flush it down," policy.
I hope he stays around a bit. He's my kind of funny weird.
he is an aloof rich guy who is constantly screwing everything up while simultaneously having little interest in fixing any of it
Funny, that's exactly who the inventor of rubber bullets had in mind….
Bobby Knight?
“Do not speak to him unless you are spoken to,” the memo said
Talk about remote-control dildo's…
He's a novelty item with a buzz.
Do not look directly at happy fun Cain.
Does it follow, then, that the reason Herman cain always appears idiotic is that he is?
I love this logic stuff.
I bet he made them ask him if they could go to the bathroom, too. And under no circumstances do you make eye contact!
And back out of the room while kowtowing.
On a trip to Iowa last weekend to participate in the Faith and Freedom Forum, a meeting of evangelical conservatives, Mr. Cain stayed on his campaign bus until it was time to take the stage, while other candidates worked the crowds. Shortly after he finished speaking, he left the room.
Wow. All that's missing is a couple of lesbian nuns, and he'd be Michele Bachmann in blackface.
Are you pitching a screenplay?
It's tentatively titled "Fade to Black."
What? Too soon?
Unfortunately not!
Well, us Negros love to sit at the front of the bus, so we don't move until we absolutely have to. How culturally ignorant and insentives, those Iowans.
"Basically everything everyone hated about Sarah Palin in 2008 minus the $150,000 Nieman Marcus shopping receipt"
Well, that explains the ugly Cosby sweaters…
"No no no no, look. Look, this … this miniature bread. It's like, I've been working with this for about a half an hour now. I can't figure out … You've got this.. Everything has to be folded. And then it's this, and I don't want this, I want large bread so that I can put this, so then it's like this, but then this doesn't work. It's a complete catastrophe!"
-Herman Cain-
"We've got remote-controlled pink dildos in our trousers."
I call it…"Lick My Love-Pump."
You think accidentally landing on top of this dung heap has been entertaining to watch? Just wait until he starts fretting about actually, you know, winning – I can't wait to see what sort of craziness he comes up with to self-scuttle this little act.
Nein! Nein! Nein!
Re: alt text
Why must you besmirch the good name of Little Caesar's like that?
Are wingnutz a common pizza topping these days. What with Godfather's Hermie Cain, Domino's Tom 'Ave Maria' Monaghan, and Papa John's John Schnatter ya gotta wonder.
It's something in the sauce.
But Papa John has that bitchin' Camaro, so there's that.
Wheeeee! The GOP is becoming quite the Crazy magnet- "Join the zany antics!"- some fun, huh?
Pope Cain has a nice, creepy sounding ring to it.
He certainly is Able.
Nope! Republicans are not racist! Not racist at all!
We are also Honkies For Herman because we don’t believe in a white America, black America, hispanic America, etc.
Um, right. Then why not just call yourselves Honkies, Niggers, and Wetbacks For Herman? Because, y'know, inclusiveness.
Mr. Hall added, “We couldn’t even get our own e-mail addresses,” for the campaign.
"Yes, please e-mail your ad proposal. Send it to humpmydog at hotmail dot com"
No no. Hermie deserves "Pimpmypepperoni at hotmail dot com." I think this guy owns the humpmydog handle.
hermancain999@aol.com
When asked about it, Mr. Cain looked at the reporter and said, "Did I give you permission to talk to me asshat?"
And when he gets elected, you shall refer to him as "His Imperious Condescension."
His Most Imperious Condescension, to you. Jeeze, get it right, why don't you.
No eye contact is required when punching someone in the nutz.
I can understand his position seeing that he is always saying something stupid that contradicts what he said earlier. But sooner or later Mr. Cain, you will have to say something and we will be there to make fun of you and your idiocy.
"if his style was good enough for shitty pizza, it’s good enough for a presidential campaign"
On behalf of shitty pizza everywhere, I take excretion to that comparison.
I was thinking that with a crowd of those fucktards, I'd stay on the bus – and away from them, as much as possible, too.
You know, I kinda feel about Cain the way I felt about Palin; if it wasn't for the inevitable apocalyptic results, it'd be fun to see that idiot in office.
With this, I agree.
the ninth circle of hell.
999th Circle of Hell.
Fixed.
It's really remarkable to watch how quickly the GOP base shapeshifts in their futile attempt to not nominate Mittens. First Palin, then Trump, then Bachmann, then Perry, now Cain.
What they're really looking for is a Frankenstein's Monster candidate that's Ron Paul on (non-military) spending, Dick Cheney on foreign policy, and that crazy state politician lady who coined the phrase "wriggling around in excrement" on social issues.
That "wriggling around in excrement" is a gift that keeps on giving.
Is it time to build an electrified fence around Herman Cain?
It could be done somewhat along the lines of Conan O'Brien's annual lighting of the Abe Vigoda!
Not only are you forbidden to make eye contact with Cain, if you know what 's good for you stay out of his peripheral vision as well.
I'm definately voting for Hermy in the NH primary. Nothing will piss off Mittens more than a threat in his (third) home state.
Long as I remember The Cain! been stumbling round..
Slices of pizza adding to Confusion on the ground.
Dumb men through the ages, Trying to beat the ONE;
And I wonder, Still I wonder, Who'll top the Cain!
"It was like they were running for sophomore class president.”
Has anyone explained the difference to Cain?
He really brings the crazy bread, doesn't he?
I will take no phone calls on this matter.
This should be illegal. Also the government should stay out of it.
you'll take this phone call bitch!
Yes, I want a large shitty pizza, half sour grapes half hobo beans.
extra cheese too.
deliver it in 30 minutes, also
My white grandpa was so much like Hermann Cain that I can't look at the man without being reminded of him.
When grandpa had his first heart surgery, the head nurse of the whole hospital just happened to be having the same operation on the same day. When they wheeled him into post op after the surgery was completed, he opened his eyes and saw her in the bed about six feet from his own, then tried to rip the tubes from his arms saying, "Get that fucking nig–r out'a here."
Old people racism is the best and most comical kind of racism.
All staff is warned that he loathes hydrangeas, too.
As usual, I'm late to the party. I see that all the Swedish meatballs already have been eaten again, confound it! Next time save one or two for me.
[snark off]
I can no longer figure out who will win the R nomination and I'm finally beginning to believe that our Kenyan Socialista Muslin might just win re-election. With the exceptions of Santorum and Bachmann, none of these car-clowns passes the Tea-purity test, and Romney – the likely winner, though he's not out of the woods yet – isn't going to convince any Is or Ds he's a job-creator when his record at Bain of leverage-and-destroy gets flogged daily by Barry's campaign bots.
IF turnout is good. IF.
Am I missing something?
[snark on]
Yay! Jabba the Pizza Hut! This is the most fun I've had since Terry Jones' campaign web site – and that was just like fifteen minutes ago!
He should have been aborted,didn't his mother know those tickle?
Cain has as much chance of winning the GOP nomination as Putney Swope does of being elected Chairman. Wait, what?
According to his memoirs, he already won the Presidency.
No kissing on the lips.
I saw a college class picture of this japing house nigger today. He makes Urkel look like Shaft.
That whole "Do not speak to Mr. Cain unless spoken to" thing will result in hilarity when he appears on Leno or the Today Show with his fly open.
Cain to Aide/Body Man: "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
He made smoking cool again–what more do you want from the guy?
He's going for that X Files vote…
I can assure you that no one on his staff is black, because if we were presented with such a demand, we'd laugh right in his fucking face.
They call me Mr. Cain, indeed.
I am kinda hoping he'll get elected just so's we can all find out which 25 states will get shut down……………..
Those chicks don't come cheap – and they demand cash up front.
Or so I've heard.
I just realized that as triplets the naming logistics could be flawed. Becky_left. Becky_right. Becky_middle????
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