Even tense fringe hillbillies like Terry Jones have clued into the fact that there’s money to be made off a long-shot Republican presidential run this time around owing to the fact that the weepy, undecided GOP base is full of hungry fear junkies who’ll immediately trade campaign donations in exchange for their frenzy fix faster than a meth-addicted trailer park hooker can throw off her panties. So, yeah, old Florida swamp monster Terry Jones is running for President, please PayPal him your last few sweaty dollar bills and he’ll probably mail you an exploding Quran as a thank-you present or something.Â
So what does “Terry Jones” stand for besides brown people murder and hollow acts of famewhoring in the name of Jesus? Aburdist free-form wingnut poetry, apparently, like this excerpt plucked at random from the policy platform section of his campaign website:
4. Deport all illegals.
We must immediately begin the deportation of the 20 million illegal aliens living in our country.
This would be an operation similar to what Eisenhower did to provide jobs for the soldiers
who were coming home after the war.
5. Also saving us 400 billion dollars per year.
Virtually every part of these clouded musings is false, but uh, everyone enjoy what promises to be a brief, shrieking campaign from one of the most hateful idiots in America. [Stand Up For America Now via TPM]
{ 276 comments }
Whenever I watch the GOP candidates, I hear circus music. He'll be a wonderful addition to the tiny car.
They're taking the phrase "big tent party" somewhat literally
For a group who will lead us to the promised land, they sure ain't got no Moses what to wander in the wilderness with us.
How big are his feet? Those are some awfully, big, republican, clown shoes to fill.
You know what they say — Big feet, big dickwad.
Just what the repugs need, another crazy person.
C'mon in! The water's fine.
Perhaps Wonkette could save time by just reporting which 4th-tier, whackadoodle nutjob, conservative, jebussy, micro-celebrities on their 14th minute of 'fame' are actually *not* running for president this year?
But everyone complains when Wonkette runs another Palin story.
I think he'll fill the role that Rick Perry will leave when he finally comes to the realization that he's dead meat.
Terry Jones makes Michele Bachmannn look sane.
Jesus wept.
Um, no, not really.
Are you sure you don't have that backwards?
I must respectfully disagree.
And somehow, he fits right in with this crowd.
He's not as funny without his other Pythons.
I hope he does the fish-slap dance during the debate. That's his best bit.
Actually, that was Palin and Cleese.
*Python nerd off*
I thought Palin did a turkey-decapitation-slap dance.
I found Michael Palin's Alaska rather disappointing.
I think she also did a skit called the Ministry of Silly Twats.
Silly walks or GTFO.
i like his documentaries, though. always has an interesting take on history.
I'll never understand why Michael married Sarah either.
I don't know, but I imagine that's why he's always traveling the globe making travel documentaries instead of hanging at home…
I miss Graham Chapman.
Are you shitting me?! Nobody likes the guy who killed Lennon!
Best Eulogy EVAR
Oh, the next GOP debate is going to be FABULOUS.
If he weren't such an odious bigot it'd almost be worth it to make a donation to his campaign just to help him get on the freak show debate circuit.
Personally, I think this guy is just jealous of the attention that the Westwood Baptist crazies get.
Westboro. But point taken and supported.
But perhaps they'll picket his press conferences, you know, to make him feel special.
Why? Is Marcus stepping in for Michele?
But, but, Perry won't be there! He has more important things to do than stand around with these wingnuts.
Finally, someone electable for the GOP that isn't Romney.
Meth-addicted trailer park hookers don't wear panties.
At least that's what I've heard.
Because they can't afford them?
Because they are wearing them on their head?
Because they are hanging on the front door handle – the universal "don't bother knockin'" symbol?
Because they are being used as a lampshade?
OK – I give.
Why?
Because they haven't done laundry in that long and their asshole boyfriend sold the tires off her car to buy meth so she can't drive to the laundromat anyways.
Whatsa laundromat?
Because they're imitating their role model, Britney Spears.
OK, you asked for it…
All of them, Katie.
So messy.
Actually, they do. They're crunchy.
"4. Deport all illegals."
Who's going to clean up after the teabaggers? Or mow Romney's lawn?
Who's gonna build your wall?
where's your God now, America?
How can Terry Jones run for president? He's not a natural born US citizen, but English!
Welsh, actually. He must have heard Paul Revere ringing those bells and firing warning shots…
He's the perfect antidote for Hermit's 666 plan.
Except for, in typical Republican't divorce from reality, he wants to use the military to round up the brownz. Marshall Law – for FREEDUMZ!!!
Yeah, get the government outta my…
Deport a brown person for Jesus!!!
This is bad news for Herb Cain!
I am counting down the clock before I hear my uncle tell me "At least he believes in something and ain't worried about being PC about it."
Ah, the old, "Telling it like it is," defense to jingoist, xenophobic and segregationist nostalgia.
Yes, bigotry is always more palatable when it's frank and sincere.
You got that off of a KKK recruiting poster, didn't you?
Tell you "Uncle" he's a bigoted old cunt, would you?
I say this with all seriousness – it's time to just ignore this idiot.
He lives for publicity – so we need to starve him to death. That mustache tells us all we need to know. TMI, actually…
In fact, he ought to let the moustache run by itself.
Recent polls show John Bolton's firmly in the lead.
Lovely image – John Bolton firmly encased in lead.
I would say you just described every one of the GOP candidates.
I love this guy and the way he likes to burn Qurans. Every time he buys one he pushes it further up the best seller list.
He probably has his minions steal the Gideons Koran out of Muslim-owned hotel rooms.
Finally, someone who can bring back Chester A. Arthur-style facial hair to the presidency.
Wolverine for President! Them razor claws will cut the fuck out of a budget.
ITEMIZEDNUMBERED LISTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAYThis is why all liberals are actually fascists. They want to enforce their nanny-state rules about parallel structure, topic sentences, introductions and conclusions, eggsettera.
It's the liberal professors's fault – they made us do it.
Grammar, it's what's for dinner.
I'm just glad it only goes to 7, because he would not have cleared for 10, and that would really set me off (any other typographic nerds out there?).
But seriously, how would deporting all "illegals" (nice further racism there) save $500 million a year, when undocumented aliens pay taxes but receive no government services?
You add up the cost of finding, arresting, processing, holding, and deporting them (repeating each time they come back). Then you take that number, and change the sign from "+" to "-" … savings!
And of course the Great Wall of Mexico is gonna save a shitload of money!
States wouldn't have to pay GOP law makers to sit around and come up with nuttier and nuttier plans to marginalize all brownz?
Sorosbot, sometimes you just ask such stupid questions. DUH! What I hear is that immigrants get EVERYTHING free, unlike those of us who are certified, documented, notarized citizens who work all the long day and night and never benefit from government services.
500 million is chicken feed. Jones is talking 400 BILLION, which goes to show he knows where the waste is!!1!
Only one place in the US America Federales Budget were it would be "easy" to cut $400 Bajillion. That would be the Pentagon with it's $685 Bajillion budget. Good luck killing that golden shower, Jones.
Of course, thanks to idjits like Jones, perhaps they could, shock, add tax revenue by removing the exemptions for churches and taxing dumbshits like Jones (it would be a drop in the bucket, but it sounds like guys like Jones don't really deserve money.)
THEY SHOULD TAX PEOPLE STANDING IN WATER! Terry Jones already said that.
He actually wants to bring all the troops home, until we can afford more war… So, progress?
Let me guess: God told him to run.
God has really twisted sense of humor. I mean, he already told Michele and Good-Hair to run, didn't he? And I'm sure he spends the night telling Cain to start fires.
Don't start any blasphemous rumors.
God is one cruel motherfucker of a practical joker.
Yeah, God can be a real prick.
Why is it that people who hear voices are usually thought of as mentally ill unless it's some imaginary cloud being doing the talking?
And this is confusing because? Burning bush needed for clarification.
Satan does a wicked-awesome impersonation of God, I hear…
Nowadays, "Republican Presidential Campaign" = "Another Excuse To Power-Shill An Unreadable Book Headed Straight To The Walmart Remainder Bin."
Won't somebody think of the trees???
Meth addicted trailer park hookers wear panties?
The male ones do.
How else is she supposed to wipe her ass?
A man of the cloth, Pat Robertson will approve.
Let's deport all insane Xtian fundamentalists. It will save our country.
It would save the money of these so-called fiscal conservatives who send their hard earned dollars (read social security and disability) to SarahPAC and whatnot.
"
Mr LoveboySarahPAC? What is it, a porno flick?" –Ronnie WingateI thought they were going to be raptured!?!?!
I know. So disappointing.
I wish these people would get their predictions right!
Naturally, because all right-wing nut jobs think they should be president.
Finally we have a candidate that best exemplifies all the policy desires of the modern Republican base.
I have no doubt he could win the Republican/Tea Party nomination. But, the question is whether he's moderate enough to win the general election. He'll have to consider very carefully who he will choose to be his running mate. Fred Phelps, perhaps?
Figures it would take a man of the cloth to beat back the usurper muslin.
I sure cotton to this post. Wish I could multi-fist it.
That certainly makes sure that the right wing flank is completely covered. No one is going to out crazy the GOP field now. And Pat Robertson weeps.
Needs more "Fatwas".
For Allahween?
I love how after AZ and AL both scared all the browns away and their economies crashed from the dearth of migrant labor wingnuts still can't figure out that legal and illegal migrant labor are needed to keep this country going. If we didn't need them people wouldn't keep hiring them and they would stop coming here; perhaps actually instituting a functional work visa program is better than just threatening to arrest them and use them as forced labor.
The only reason they're illegal in the first place is racism, and then racism fuels this drive to deport them. Funny how racism has defeated itself here.
If they were interested in the economy they would hand out work permits to anyone who wanted to come here and pick crops for the season. But then, the owners would have to pay them a fair wage and conform to all the labor laws.
Of course, they could probably get American citizens to work those jobs too, if they paid a fair wage and conformed to all the labor laws.
yup and ask the CA farmer with plums, etc. rotting on the ground, ain't no white folk want those jobs.
A) Not all American citizens are white.
B) Growers treat workers like garbage, endanger their lives, and cheat them on wages. Citizens tend to report that sort of thing. People who are terrified of deportation do not.
C) Corporations have used undocumented workers to destroy unions in a number of fields that used to offer livable wages and conditions.
And as someone said here the other day: Seven Dollar Tomato.
Yoy. You're just like SorosBot with his FACTS!!11!
Terry Jones: When BasilMarceaux.com's too coherent for you.
Terry Jones/Basil Marceaux.com 2012!
At last! A candidate i can get behind…and shove over.
Throw bibles on your "to be burned list" and you have my vote, you crazy old coot.
Once again my history is lacking, because I don't remember Eisenhower hiring ex-soldiers to deport millions of people.
Jones' history books are all written by Harry Turtledove.
Can he get rid of that Buffalo Bill asstache?
Those are actually his well coiffed nose hairs
Ewwww, gross.
Running for POTUS has become the ultimate grift. What a thing to happen!
What can we, as loyal Wonkettes, do to get this man's poll numbers up to 4%, which is the apparent cut-off for debate eligibility? 'Cause I can't wait to hear Pastor Jones explain his 6-6-6 plan to Herman Cain.
Is there a polling center we can call?
"This would be an operation similar to what Eisenhower did to provide jobs for the soldiers who were coming home after the war."
Eisenhower? What, in his capacity as Military Governor of the U.S. Occupation Zone in Europe, Chief of Staff of the US Army, President of Columbia University, or as Supreme Commander of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization?
This dude is fucking whack.
I didn't know that Ike ran a jobs-creation program for flight attendants.
Don't forget he was a football coach too.
Put 'em to work with a shovel digging the next interstate highway system, Bubba….
400 Billion! Is that even worth fucking with anymore?
That works out to … let's see … $20,000 per alien.
Evidently, the savings come from not paying them.
8. Everyone must grow ridiculous facial hair. If you can't then you're not American and will be deported.
No, I don't think any of the wingnuts will suggest that. It's too close to that Muslim Sharia business.
good point. possibly Terry's face is under Sharia Law right now.
She only uses that name when she's on stage.
So basically, America will only be populated by circus freaks and the Amish?
Not if these guys have anything to say about it.
Mullet!!??
Ha, ha, ha!
yes.
Well, i can grow facial hair, ask my threading lady, but I am English …so I am confused.
i had to look up threading…ow? sounds like ow. i mean, i want to cry when a beard hair catches on my shirt collar button.
anyway, as long as you're an Imperialist Brit i think an exception can be made. do you own any slaves? are you a pirate? who played the eighth Doctor? have you had members of other religious groups persecuted or killed? do you own a Red Coat? these types of questions will be on the survey.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIeHYNt-rl4http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIeHYNt-rl4<br />It's weirdly fun, small amount of pain but not so much. Oh, and we threw the Jews out in the Middle Ages, but then D'Israeli was elected Prime Minister, only after he converted though, probably killed a few Puritans, but that's about it.
We have a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like his platform. And the handle-bar 'stache seals the deal.
But how much does he charge for mustache rides?
Guns don't kill people.
People with mustaches kill people….
Damn it! Why'd he wait so long? He would have added so much intellectually to the debates. Or not. Probably not.
lol Who told him this was a good idea? I doubt if Jebus did, so it must have been God.
Unh, Jesus IS God, unless your some kind of Joo.
Well thank god somebody has a plan for the soldiers returning from Iraq.
Electrifying the ginormous Mexican border fence will also be a boondoggle for our listless armed servicemen and women.
Allah ,please let him be the next 2nd to Mittens. I'd love to see him "debate" on national teevee.
Cavuto: What's your stance on illegal immigration and how the Democrats are destroying this great country supporting amnesty for Godless toddler raping chicano, latino, Mexican illegals.?
T-Jo: We should ship all spics…I mean…beaners…..er illeeegals back to dirty Mexico.
Mittens: I agree . Amnesty is destroying our country.
(2 sec later)
Mittens: We should allow amnesty.
5. Also saving us 400 billion dollars per year.
6. Make Emerica's teachers teach us not to use sentence fragments in our crappy manifesto.
Isn't that the Holy Grail he's holding? Really, I think he did some of his best work in that movie.
He should try a Holy
GrAleI've tried it myself. Nothing special.
Boltonstache/Jonesstache 2112!!!!!!!
The Walrus Bolton Robbed/The Walrus Jones Robbed 2112!!!!!!!!!
"So what does “Terry Jones” stand for"
Taint
Exactly
Rodger
Rabbit
Yes?
Just
Ornery
Now
Essentially
Shit
With him and Orly, I might start watching the debates again.
Mustache-Rancher — Dentist/Lawyer/Real Estate Agent '12!!1!11!!
Mustache Rancher made me laugh and almost choke on my lunch. Very good sir
And re: the alt text, as a resident of Arizona I would be happy to donate Sheriff Joe Arpaio to this circus. That man really knows how to drive a clown car.
Pretty nice website for a bunch of religious fanatics – I'd say somebody "love gifted" a copy of Drupal for Dummies.
I like this one:
3. Reduce military spending… ….our military spending must be cut by several billion dollars.
Several billion? Way to swing for the fence, Terry.
several billion? what is that? like a few days?
Half an aircraft carrier.
Half an aircraft.
He ought to just run his moustache and leave it at that.
With the 'Rent is Too Damn High' guy for VP?
The Brostache Party!
Got whiskey? for prez!
I'll bet it hurt when he impaled his neck with that little flag.
Great platform. I'm sure Mexico will gladly accept an immediate influx of 20 million more residents.
Especially the Hondurans, Chinese, and Canadians.
If he would change his name to Other he would be an instant front runner.
Or Generic since it seems that the President is always behind the Generic Republiklan candidate in the polls.
I'm still holding out for BasilMarceux.com to enter the race.
He didn't mention Jesus in his agenda. He's going to lose some fringe support without that.
Deport all illegals
From this fine and beautiful
land
it will save money
shrink the federal government
outlaw abortions
because Jesus.
btw " Our corporate taxes are the highest in the world." lulz
Worst. Haiku. Ever.
Is he ex-ghey, or self-hating closeted ghey?
I think he's just a closeted drunk, prommie, judging by the looks of him.
Ah, I see, he has devoted his life to the Holy Spirits.
Don't insult my gay buddies, who'd have this guy???
Why not round them up all together, and make them work? We could call them camps. Well, interim camps, as they're only working for a little while until they get deported. Or maybe internment camps.
Jesus fucking christ.
Work will make them free.
Arbeit macht…never mind.
Looks familiar:
I wonder what type of object it would
take;in the top of his head:to tell
him
playdough told
him:he couldn't
believe it
WTF???
I've said it before and I will say it again, "Jesus Christ these fucking people"
We need a shortcut for that phrase.
JCTFP.
Fuck these jesuschristing people.
Michelle is already fading, now this? It's time to up the crazy.
He's just running to help make Santorum and Bachmann look better.
Number 6 on his website is very funny – it states "Reduce Corporate Taxes."
As if corporate taxes even exist in this day and age.
If Jan Brewer get's the nod as a VP candidate, we'll have the trifecta of stupid in the GOP with this guy, Rick Perry and Herman Cain. I don't think Pat Robertson is pleased (which just warms my heart).
Just the fact that he's running as a Repub should clue the Rethugs in to how fucked up they are. But that would be anathema to ReTards-Facts.
Terry Jones/B. O. Plenty/2012
Didn't this douche go to high school with Rush? I think the Limpster is somehow behind this because Terry Jones just ain't smart enough. Not that Rush is a bright guy, but given this data set, he shines like the noon time desert sun.
So I guess he will be stealing the few votes Bachmann has left.
#4 is strikingly similar to my own campaign vow to deport everyone running for President.
I'm holding out for Basil Marceaux to run, because I am sick of traffic-stop slavery!
It's easy to be smug, but remember, the Dems have had their fringe candidates too…like that John Kerry guy. Man, he was out there!
Well there's the current run of Randall Terry – of course he's a hardcore right-wing terrorist trying (and luckily failing) to get attention and not really a Dem at all.
Even Pat Robertsons head just exploded………………….
And nothing was expelled. Nothing at all.
I have a candidate………………dark matter……….
I do love this look at wingnut poetry. I do. Insanity set to music may be next and I'm here to see it all posted on Wonkette.
A giant stupid vacuum was created with the dropping out of Palin.
But now it's been filldt up agin.
That's not haiku you can believe in!
Yep, the totally disconnected from any sort of reality vote is always up for grabs.
Yeah, okay, why not? What the GOP field needs is MORE crazy.
Your move, Rev. Fred Phelps.
No kidding. David Duke's schedule is wide open ,too.
Expect it in 5, 4, 3…
So how's that whole Dopey Enflamey thing workin' out for ya?
I do recall something about bearing false witness in the Bible. Like that you were not supposed to do it.
6. Approximately
Get rid of all the illegal aliens? Hmm. Shall we post "Trabajo libera" on the gates of the camps?
Want the undocumented to leave the United States? Stop hiring them. Gone. However, good luck with agriculture without them.
Better idea than nutjobs running for President would be to end his tax-free bullshit dispensary.
Ja!
He's auditioning for Fox. Can't blame the guy for tryin'.
My favorite line from the site is
our military spending must be cut by several billion dollars.
Oooo, several billion dollars! That's sure to put a dent in the Military Industrial Complex!
Also teach us not to hit
return in
the middle of sentences.
He is a Man of
God.
He doesn't need any other
Justification
Other than
left.
<p align="right">Left Justification
<p align="right">is OF THE DEVIL
EDIT: Damn. Oh well, tried it.
He's not trying to save your life. He's trying to save your soul. Or sell you a used car.
basilmarceaux.com 2012!
William Carlos Williams wept.
All over his red wheelbarrow.
This would be an operation similar to what MILOSEVIC did to provide jobs for the soldiers.
FIXED.
Fox will insist that although controversial at times, the Reverend Jones is a good Christian man with some thoughtful ideas to bring to the debates.
Herman Cain replied: "999 765 343 444!!"
Romney: "I liked him before I didn't like him."
Bachmann: Loud sigh. "Such a hunk."
Santorum: "He doesn't look too geh."
Perry: "Corn? He burned the corn? Can I do that?"
Paul: "Get the US out of Florida. We're broke."
Audience: Clap, clap, hoorah for death.
Bachmann: Loud sigh. "Such a hunk."
You do mean Marcus, right?
He must be the leader,no one else is running ,right?
If he passes out exploding Qurans dressed as Jokey Smurf this Halloween then he gets me money.
The difference between this guy and Bachmann, Santorum, and Perry is one of style, not substance.
Meanwhile, our dear friends at Breitbart want us to know that Occupy represents the worst kind of socialist threat to our dear friends the banks and bankers.
http://biggovernment.com/lstranahan/2011/10/27/ba...
"5. Also saving us 400 billion dollars per year.
Waaaaaatt?
I see he has a "discussion page."
I bet his followers have some erudite discussions.
Wonk chum!
Everybody have fun tonight!
Everybody Wonk Chum tonight!
Oh that is fun reading. The best was finding out about the Moslems! http://www.standupamericanow.org/groups/islam/the...
I don't know. Now I'm concerned about the oppression of Islam in Iran. Who's oppressing them, Zoroastrians?
It's already been pointed out here, but with this guy, Oily, Cain, etc.how are The Onion, SNL, et al supposed to write comedy when the reality is already comedy?
'Stand Up America' sounds like a new version of Last Comic Standing, which is quite fitting given the hilarious shitpile that is the current list of GOP candidates.
No. Just… stop.
Perhaps we should all give our support to this fruitcake- maybe we can get him nominated!
Stand Up For America Now >> S.U.F.A.N. Sounds kinda Muslin-y to me.
Anyway, most things with the words "Stand Up" or "Stand With" genrally have fallen, uh, flat in the past…
Looking more and more like Wonkette is becoming an after-hours blog rather than a daytime blog.
*sigh*
Two hours to go, two posts so far. What are we supposed to do, work?
"Work?" Hell, I am getting more drinking done, today.
You know who else ran an after-hours blog?
Bob Loblaw?
No, his development was arrested.
"Occupy__insert geographical location__.org"?
Hey — if my head was buried in the sand, I'd experience some difficulty knowing how much time has passed between mental exercises too
…Oh, that's not Kirsten* in the pic? It's the first photo that loads** on the homepage next to "Wonkette"; my mistake..
* I once knew a guy named Kristan. How can we be sure Kirsten isn't a guy?
** as if I take time to read photo captions anymore
one of the most hateful idiots in America
That's a pretty bold claim, son.
There's a very subtle difference between Terry and the other GOP candidates. Can you spot it?
You know who else is running for President? Robert L. Prapotnik, that's who! "President Prapotnik, your platform promised permanent pursuit or purchase of pet pleasure pandas for the populace! At what price, sir?!" Plus 250 other would-be leaders. God bless America.
Must send 5 dollars
Must send 5 dollars
Cain not a viable VP for this President in the making.
WTF is Agent K and Agent J doing there.
I went over to the campaign website (I couldn't help myself! Wonkette – you naughty minx – you make me do it….grrr…..)
Anyway, I found this.
***********************************
3. Reduce military spending.
All military on foreign soil should be brought back immediately and all future involvement of military on foreign soil should not be engaged until our country has become economically strong again. The security of our nation must be reexamined and our military spending must be cut by several billion dollars."
***********************************************
So – he's a Libertarian?
His concern, of course, isn't that war causes untold human suffering, the heartbreaking death of innocents, and needless and senseless destruction – his concern is that the bombs cost too much.
Fuck his Libertarian face.
"Send all the Muslims to Happy Gun Camp in Siberia" curiously absent.
Did I say Gun? I mean Fun!
Pastor Jones is a notch below Bachmann and Cain and Santorum, in terms of intellect and sanity, but it's only a notch and not even an especially wide one.
Fucked up Quran burning Jesus loving Psychotic Nose picking Cross burning Tard/ Bachmann 2012.
OH Yeah!
Upon hearing of Pastor Terry's candidacy, the other Republican hopefuls softly broke out in unison: "One of us, one of us, one of us….".
tip 'o the hat – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBXyB7niEc0
This Blingee caused me to have an acid flashback.
Pure poetry. Angels really do sing.
Someone needs to shove a Quran straight up his bony ass 'til he's quoting Muslin scripture is what needs to be done.
I know. Not enough wolf-kills.
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