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Ah, the good old days!Halloween, it’s almost here! To help out with last-minute costume ideas, National Review Online has a devilish little “politically incorrect” suggestion: why not dress up as one of those wicked murderous imperialists from British history, to annoy your neighborhood lefties? NRO’s guest British historian “H.W. Crocker III” has drawn up a helpful list of arcane characters guaranteed to “scare liberals to death,” presumably meant to achieve the effect right after you take the time to diagram out to the other Halloween party guests the atrocities committed by the obscure old white dead guy whose fruity hat you are wearing, to make your point about the superior virtues of colonialism. What fun! So let’s see, who’s on the list?

Here are our three favorites from Crocker’s weird list:

— Sir Henry Morgan: Lest people think you just sort of half-assed it this year and dressed up as the mascot of a shitty brand of rum, you’ll need to explain that Captain Morgan was in fact a ruthless, greedy privateer who stole vast sums of wealth slaughtering thousands of people throughout the New World. He was a true capitalist, which should be your main point in any of your discussions about pirates at this weekend’s rager. He was also an obese alcoholic who blew up his own ship, which would make him “the terror of liberal health and safety bureaucrats today” who work out of hatred for fun.

— Sir Richard Francis Burton: Burton was known mostly for being a Victorian kinkster who traveled the planet writing sex advice books and measuring the dongs of the local residents, which sounds suspiciously progressive. But the comically racist descriptions of the locals in his books “would surely have driven the liberal thought police to order him imprisoned at Guantanamo” if they were written today, so he still counts as a Republican Hero.

— Field Marshal Sir Gerard Templer: This guy happily murdered jungle Communists in Asia all day long for years, apparently. Sort of like Lyndon Johnson! You could go as either one, really, if that’s your message.

Rather absent are any of the British who fought against those miserable Yankee jerks, but of course there are thousands of other unrepentant heroic white patriots to choose from in the long history of Britain’s bloody, thieving colonial wars across the entire planet, so “if you really want to shiver the timbers of your liberal neighbors,” Crocker concludes, “dress your kids as British imperial heroes convinced that the West — and most especially the Anglosphere — is best.” They’ll be the hit of the party! [NRO]

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