political costume ideas for pedantic history nerds

National Review’s Racist Halloween Costumes To ‘Scare Liberals’

Ah, the good old days!Halloween, it’s almost here! To help out with last-minute costume ideas, National Review Online has a devilish little “politically incorrect” suggestion: why not dress up as one of those wicked murderous imperialists from British history, to annoy your neighborhood lefties? NRO’s guest British historian “H.W. Crocker III” has drawn up a helpful list of arcane characters guaranteed to “scare liberals to death,” presumably meant to achieve the effect right after you take the time to diagram out to the other Halloween party guests the atrocities committed by the obscure old white dead guy whose fruity hat you are wearing, to make your point about the superior virtues of colonialism. What fun! So let’s see, who’s on the list?

Here are our three favorites from Crocker’s weird list:

– Sir Henry Morgan: Lest people think you just sort of half-assed it this year and dressed up as the mascot of a shitty brand of rum, you’ll need to explain that Captain Morgan was in fact a ruthless, greedy privateer who stole vast sums of wealth slaughtering thousands of people throughout the New World. He was a true capitalist, which should be your main point in any of your discussions about pirates at this weekend’s rager. He was also an obese alcoholic who blew up his own ship, which would make him “the terror of liberal health and safety bureaucrats today” who work out of hatred for fun.

– Sir Richard Francis Burton: Burton was known mostly for being a Victorian kinkster who traveled the planet writing sex advice books and measuring the dongs of the local residents, which sounds suspiciously progressive. But the comically racist descriptions of the locals in his books “would surely have driven the liberal thought police to order him imprisoned at Guantanamo” if they were written today, so he still counts as a Republican Hero.

– Field Marshal Sir Gerard Templer: This guy happily murdered jungle Communists in Asia all day long for years, apparently. Sort of like Lyndon Johnson! You could go as either one, really, if that’s your message.

Rather absent are any of the British who fought against those miserable Yankee jerks, but of course there are thousands of other unrepentant heroic white patriots to choose from in the long history of Britain’s bloody, thieving colonial wars across the entire planet, so “if you really want to shiver the timbers of your liberal neighbors,” Crocker concludes, “dress your kids as British imperial heroes convinced that the West — and most especially the Anglosphere — is best.” They’ll be the hit of the party! [NRO]

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    1. Callyson

      But they wouldn't be dressed in a costume then.
      On the other hand, if they went as themselves they'd be frightening enough.

    2. neiltheblaze

      That's Newt's get-up. He's a natural for the costume because he never lost his baby fat. And he snivels.

  1. LetUsBray

    "dress your kids as British imperial heroes"

    Coming from the house organ as it were of the pederastic 1%, that's not creepy at all.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      No Brit ever puts numerals after their name, apart from one, whose first name is Liz. Anyone else who tries it has a first name of "wanker"….

    1. tessiee

      "Or constantly cry and shriek "Nazi" like a little girl and be Glenn Beck, etc."

      Glenn Beck?
      Holy crap, that's knockin' dust off some brain cells, isn't it?
      That guy's in "whatever happened to" already.
      He got outta town like the houseguest who broke your Ming vase.

    1. Mumbly_Occupado

      In the true European tradition, the family name "Crocker" refers to the frequently hereditary line of work employed by H.W. Crocker III's forefathers, much as other family names, such as Cooper, Taylor, etc.

      Now, what precisely the Crockers of old created and distributed crocks of, I leave as an exercise to the reader. Except to say that H.W Crocker III is clearly keeping the family tradition alive, even today.

      1. TitsAkimbo

        Anyone else remember when the name Crocker meant banking? I had an account with Crocker-Anglo Bank, a few years back. As if they really needed to say Anglo, right?

  2. user-of-owls

    “dress your kids as British imperial heroes convinced that the West — and most especially the Anglosphere — is best.”

    Somebody should tell this limey cunt that over here, that's known as "child endangerment."

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Right-wing "humor" is always strong on the right-wing, and weak on the "humor". And, for extra flavor, usually questionable with regard to the facts.

    1. flamingpdog

      Saw this on the internetz last night (Kristin, you're falling behind on the silliness). Can't decide if Hermie is even more batshit crazy than Miche1e, or just a superior grifter to Lou Sarah and Xine. One thing for sure, while his campaign manager is smoking tobacco, his campaign ad makers are smoking something a little bit sweeter.

      1. TitsAkimbo

        Not my favorite character, but one of my favorite shows. On a network owned by Rupert Murdoch. Sucks to be me, I guess.

      1. Occupy V572

        He explained it right in the "film": "international film and television star Nick Searcy." Someone should tell the campaign of soon-to-be-elected-president Herman Cain that if you have to call yourself an "international film and television star" you probably are not one, and just saying so won't persuade anyone.

        Very truly yours,
        Nobel-Prize-winning blog commenter V572625694

    2. Redhead

      What? The silly pizza man running for the highest office in the country without ever holding office before and with no real viable plans to enact once he's in office makes silly, nonsensical ads? You don't say!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      No, she worked to eliminate land mines around the world. I think this author favors the people who might have put them there.

      1. RadioOcupados

        Jukes, let me rant on this one, for it's something of which the Radio is tuned.
        Seat belts: they save heads, necks and lives. And, sociologically, they are something that gives me a little hope for humanity.
        If the Princess Die had had her restraint on, she would have walked away from that accident. Humans don't make good projectiles, and her flying across the back of the limo and instantaneous deceleration tore her aorta from its moorings. Plain and forensically simple. The only fuck that survived that collision was the bodyguard, who was restrained, and ironically, was culpable for NOT making her wear her seat belt.
        Again, HUMANS DON'T MAKE GOOD PROJECTILES. I have seen this situation thousands of times in my career.
        Moreover, I have seen how common sense, with, maybe, a little old fashioned liberal regulatory tweaking, and even, gack, policing, has caused the vast majority of reasonable people to buckle up. That is a good thing that has saved incalculable suffering.
        So, had our monarchal divorcé been properly restrained, and become an advocate for proper automobile safety, she would have saved so many more lives and limbs than anything she could have done about land mines.

  3. littlebigdaddy

    I am dressing as Flashman–a fictional completely retrograde British imperialist. The thing that makes it not reactionary–and would in fact sink any of these NRO costumes–is irony. It's a bitch.

    1. Chichikovovich

      The NRO types wouldn't be able to relate to Flashman because he has lots and lots of sex. Y'know, with ladies, I mean.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        He also speaks more than one language. And if he were alive today he would probably have a passport.
        They could probably relate to the physical cowardice part, though.

        Damn I wish Fraser had lived long enough to get a Civil War book done.

  4. user-of-owls

    "British historian" falls just below "Arrogant Grad Student" and "Able-Bodied People With Handicapped Stickers" on the Enhanced Owls Loathsomeness Scale.

    1. Mumbly_Occupado

      Do not disagree, and not to break snark, but it's worth observing that there are plenty of disabilities that are plenty debilitating, even without any outward signs or signifiers. I have a close friend my own age with Fibro, and a few slightly less-close friends with MS; the fact that they look normal and are sometimes functional doesn't mean they always are or don't require accommodation. Not that nobody games the system, ever, but in disability circles, the charge is basically the equivalent of "welfare queens".

      But, yeah, fuck those fucking grad students. Fucking assholes.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Good plan to wait. The academic job market might have loosened up by then. But make sure you get that flying car repair certificate too, just in case.

          2. tessiee

            "When I get my philosophy PhD in 2031, who's gonna be laughing then, hmm?! "

            Your creditors?
            No, that's not it…

    2. mormos

      Oh my god i am going to rage a little bit here. The other day I was at the bookstore perusing photography books when this hipster jackass comes up to one of the employees and asks for a book on how to ace interviews.

      They didn’t have the book he wanted so the lady suggested some of the other books they had for interviews, namely one in the idiot series. He became offended and said that he has never purchased one of those books because he doesn’t like a book telling him he is an idiot. He has a master’s degree and blah blah blah… I resisted the urge to walk over and hit him.

      The lady, who was good humored, adorable, and a former teacher it came out, politely suggested that if he didn’t know something and needed a book to help him that he was a idiot in that area.

    3. tessiee

      People who wait until *after* they've actually started turning to put their turn signal on?
      People who give their kids overly creative/trendy names, and then don't discipline them in public places?
      People who, when you go someplace with them, make a big deal out of what all they refuse to eat?
      People who misuse the word "literally", as in, "I *literally* died when I heard that"?
      People who get on public transportation with half a dozen bags, backpacks, etc., and then don't want to move them so you can sit down?

  5. poncho_pilot

    i always thought the right wing were a bunch of fucking loyalists. tea party, schmee party. i'd say they deserve to get caned on the high seas but they got Cained instead. and besides, they'd probably like it.

    1. user-of-owls

      Well that card is just precious, isn't it? After all, how better to celebrate the birth of Jesus than by clumsily trying to smear Jews, Muslims and African Americans?

      1. OkieDokieDog

        I looked under Tea Party Supplies for the pink dildos but couldn't find them. Maybe they're in the Bibles and Study Tools section.

      2. Mumbly_Occupado

        The unabashed Jew-hating in particular is rather… refreshing, actually. Most right-wingers try really really hard to pretend that they like the J00z, it's kinda nice to see some honesty for once, in idiotic card form.

        Of course, they kinda wear their hatred of blacks and muslims on their sleeves, constantly. You'd have to be Herman Cain to think otherwise.

    2. Callyson

      Cute, though I still prefer the holiday card for the wingnuts:
      Season's Greetings
      Money's short,
      Times are hard.
      Here's your fucking
      Christmas card.

  6. user-of-owls

    I wish I knew which Halloween party Prof. Pompous-upon-Snottyham III was going to.

    I've got the most delightful Kim Philby costume.

    1. RadioOcupados

      Turn off the the lights and the little creeps won't come be coming around begging for my Reese Pieces (Canadian).

    2. JustPixelz

      I liked Jesusween better before it went all P.C. with NRO approved costumes, special "treats" for rich people, and those treacly Christian Broadcast Network movies.

  7. poncho_pilot

    if it's not already, this article will soon be a joke e-mail forwarded to you from a different conservative you know personally once every so many months.

  8. Mumbly_Occupado

    Fun fact I learned from Wikipedia: in order to "win hearts and minds" or whatever,

    Templer famously remarked that, "The answer [to the uprising] lies not in pouring more troops into the jungle, but in the hearts and minds of the people."[6] He demanded that newly built villages, where ethnic Chinese were resettled away from the jungles and beyond the reach (and influence) of the guerrillas, look inviting. To further gain the "hearts and minds" of the non-Malays, who were the main source of communist support, Templer fought to grant Malayan citizenship to over 2.6 million Malayan residents, 1.1 million of whom were Chinese. Templer sought "political and social equality of all" Malayans.[7]

    I dunno, that sounds an awful lot like SHAMNESTY, to me. COMPLETE THE DANGED FENCE, and TEAR DOWN THE FUCKING MAGNETS. HOW DO THEY WORK, also too.

    Oh, also:

    He instituted incentive schemes for rewarding surrendering rebels and those who encouraged them to surrender.


    tl;dr, Right-wingers still can't see beyond their sexual fetish of Winston Churchill, and their continuing veneration of landed aristocracy (we used to call people like that, "monarchists". At best.) to realize that even by the standards they themselves pretend to tout, they're complete lunatics.

  9. LetUsBray

    "No, son, you can't go trick-or-treating as Harry Potter/Percy Jackson/a zombie/whatever kids think is cool these days. You'll go as Sir Richard Francis Burton, because Pops has liberal neighbors to frighten."

    Ladies and gentlemen, your wingnut father of the year!

      1. Mumbly_Occupado

        That… might be the best answer ever. Alright folks. Have a good night. Thread over.

        ::tosses flashbang, teargas::

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Rudyard Kipling?

      BTW, first time I read "White Man's Burden" I thought he was a satirist without peer. How fucking sad I was to find out he was serious.

        1. SorosBot

          Starship Troopers was a satire though; the book was serious, Paul Verhoeven however was taking the piss out of it. Remember, this is the same guy who gave us Robocop.

      1. Dok-cupy Everything

        John Wayne as Genghis Khan in The Conqueror?

        EDIT: John Wayne as Genghis Khan in The Conqueror, only with bees in his mouth, and when he barks, he shoots bees at you?

  10. TheMightyHaltor

    I'm going as (no joke) Fidel Castro. I'll enjoy it that much more knowing I'm – in my own little way – sticking it to this fuckwad.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The invention of Sir Frederick Anglo, Third Earl of Buggerton, the Anglosphere was a large, iron sphere, lined with velvet and satin pillows, common in the Victorian era. Two men were placed naked inside, and the sphere was sealed. It was then rolled down a slope. As the men would claim to be forced together by "nature," anything that happened inside the sphere was considered a "natural act" and the men could not be criminally charged.

  11. mercianomad

    Trying to figure out how they could construe any of this as offensive. And true to conservatives' known humor deficit, these costumes have to be explained to the audience in order to enrage them, like explaining a punchline? WTF?

    These are in fact milquetoast suggestions. I wouldn't be offended if I saw someone dressing up as Hitler for Halloween. (OMGodwin). Actually, trying to think of Halloween costumes that would offend, and having a hard time.

    Also, addendum, too: I'm as lefty peacenik non-exploitative as they get and I love Sir Richard Francis Burton. One of my favorite historical figures ever. Try again, you stupid, fat right wingers.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You sure little klansmen wouldn't bug you, just a bit? Especially if they were deadly earnest about "white power"? That would get me going, I'm thinking.

      Now, if it was a black kid doing a Clayton Bigsby tribute, or someone re-enacting Blazing Saddles, that'd be something else entirely.

      1. mercianomad

        Well, if it's parents doing it to their little children, then no, I wouldn't like it, but I'd dislike it more because it would be a reminder of something that is already offensive to me the other 364 days of the year – namely how utterly trashy this country is, and how determined these people are to make it even trashier, including trashing up their kids. But again, I don't need a costumed kid for that. I can walk outside and look around at the ugliness of Ad-merica for 10 minutes for same effect, or watch Maury Povich, or go to the grocery store and get blasted by Faith Hill's megahideous "This Kiss" on the store stereo, look at the celeb gossip magazines at the checkout, etc.

        If it's an adult wearing a klan costume I'd probably shake my head about how clueless and unoriginal they are, and how unlikely they would be to get laid that Halloween, but I wouldn't be offended at all.

    2. Negropolis

      I'm not sure I'd ever get in a screaming match with someone over a costume, but I can think of plenty of shit that would offend me, and someone dressing up as the Führer as a direct provocation would definitely be one of them.

      Not a big fan of attention-whores, particularly those trolling for negative attention, so I'd be surprised if something like that didn't stir some kind of feeling inside of me.

      1. mercianomad

        It would be more about the person and the context that would offend me, never the costume. I've always understood that the point of Halloween or dressing up in some outrageous costume does not mean that you are all of a sudden the person/thing you're dressing up as. If the person wearing the costume is good natured, it will show through. I suppose the key is where you say "as direct provocation." If someone's wearing it to be an asshole, they'll make it known, and that's where the offense is – that they are an asshole – not in the costume itself.

        The Monty Python dudes dressed up as Hitler, Himmler, Von Ribbentropp, etc. in the North Minehead By-election skit. They offended uptight people in their day with that sort of thing (no, not calling you uptight), but their aim was comedy. Comedy often channels tragedy and horror. Wonkette does regularly.

        1. Negropolis

          I think we're on generally the same page, because I did make it clear that my problem is with the intent of the wearer. Like you said, we make light of terrible things here all the time, and we usually do it with irony. It's much in the same way that slurs can be used in such a way as to reveal the absurdity of them.

          That said, most people wear offensive costumes to offend, which was my only point. Some known Klan member crashing a Halloween party in full regalia and then pretending he can do it because of the holiday, for instance, wouldn't pass my smell test, let's just say.

          1. mercianomad

            Ya, definitely.

            I mean, I don't even think a Hitler costume would be a good idea, not even for 90+X% of all goodish people. It's a shitty, stupid costume really and you'd better have some serious comedic hardware to pull it off. Otherwise, even if it doesn't offend me I'd probably not look very favorably on it.

      2. BarackMyWorld

        People dress up like fictional monsters all the time…is a real life monster that much of a stretch?

        I've always wanted to dress up like Chaplin from "The Great Dictator" for Halloween, but I know people wouldn't get it and I'd end up fearing for my physical safety.

    3. Mumbly_Occupado

      Yeah, having read the wikipedia entry, I really don't understand their point with Burton. Guy sounds kinda awesome. And possibly bi, and possibly a Sufi, pissed a bunch of people off by not tacking action against defaulting debtors, and definitely spent a lot of time fighting against censorship of "obscenity", and after finally getting sick of telling people that no, he didn't kill a man in Reno Mecca, he just cold took to trolling them.

      Seriously, this guy's supposed to be a conservative boogey-man to us libruls? Because he was racist and orientalist at a time when those two words were synonymous with "British"? Kinda weird. I honestly think the detailed and authoritative and seemingly first-hand descriptions of cross-cultural sexual practices, and the equally authoritative writing on Islamic spirituality would have probably gotten him Gitmo'd by the right-wing long before libruls would make a stink about any of that. If only because, y'know, secret torture prisons are themselves more of a right-wing thing.

      1. Dok-cupy Everything

        I'd just assume that anyone in a RF Burton costume was just a Phillip Jose Farmer fan who really overestimated the chances that anyone would get the reference.*

        *A mistake that I'd never make here, of course.

      2. mercianomad

        Right. I'm more offended that they would try to claim him from me than that they think Burton would offend me by his own words or deeds, much less a costume modeled on his looks. Brilliant, outspoken, adventurous, worldly, and sensitive is an uncommon quintet of qualities in one person, especially when all are at steroidal levels as with him. He spoke in awe and admiration of things he saw in other cultures regularly, not as some 100% English superiorist, and as often as not spoke against Victorian era practices, social mores, and people. His translation of the Kama Sutra was the outré sex manual of the Victorian era/Belle Époque. The right wingers probably want to claim him because he's one of history's most hardcore and obvious "rugged individualists." (The catch: He didn't do it for monetary profit or personal power over others.)

        If you're going to pick an empire builder costume so you can be childishly spiteful towards liberals at a time when you should set politics aside and enjoy a drink and some laughs, you don't pick Burton any more than you pick TE Lawrence. Fuck them.

    4. deanbooth

      A few years back I went to work on Halloween day as Stephen Hawking — wheel chair, laptop computer voice (primarily Hawking quotes), limp body, etc. I was surprised by how many people were extremely offended.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        So they probably would not have appreciated somebody dressing their daughter up as Jon Benet Ramsey?

  12. CapnFatback

    Hey–why'd Crocker leave the Daleks off his list of British costume ideas? Surely NRO readers would favor their enslavement and extermination policies.

  13. fuflans

    jesus christ people, if i had a kid i would just dress my kid as a fucking pirate or ballet dancer or tabby cat or something.

    jesus christ.

  14. gullywompr

    Or you could just go as a National Review author – dressed in the emperor's new clothes.


    1. poncho_pilot

      Goldberg's going as the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress. which is also the furthest point in the fertilization process his mother should've allowed him to reach.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, Jonah is best known for being swallowed by a giant whale…, so you figure it out.

    3. tessiee

      I'd have to say Newt is the whitest of white whales, so he'll probably wear that if he doesn't already have plans that evening to cheat on his wife, or divorce her, or something.

  15. Antispandex

    I knew when they started up the whole Federalist thing again there would be trouble. I have to admit though, I never expected them to go out and dress up like Abigail Adams and the like. Well, sure I expected the Republican House members might, just not their little girls…whoa, little girls, that's also a costume that probably would appeal to them, now that I think about it.

  16. tribbzthesquidz

    How pointless to suggest costume ideas to a readership that already has plans to dress in black-face. Anyhow.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the order has gone out at NRO "Be gayer"?

    Come on. Someone other than Conservative Elites must read their drivel.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    There are plenty of liberals who have no sense of humor. I'll allow that. But why is it that Conservatives almost to the last man, have no ability to even be humorous (intentionally). It's not like they are automatons, they are filled with base emotions. They just can't tell or take a joke. Yes, there are exceptions, but outside of PJ O'Rourke, name some conservative that is routinely funny. Hell, find one that is even occasionally political and funny. Can't be done.

        1. tessiee

          6) The erroneous assumption that "political correctness" rules the world, and that, therefore, being racist and bigoted makes them daring and rebellious.

    1. flamingpdog

      IMHO, irony is at the base of all humor. Modern-day conservatives, if they understood irony, couldn't be conservative.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      You are correct! For example, the dipshit who wrote this article. Much too subtle.

      Reactionaries just shouldn't try humor. They are no good at it. Like sex with women. Or trying to run a country.

      It's obviously beyond them.

    3. prommie

      There are some kinda funny libertarians, like maybe Doug Stanhope or Bill Hicks, but they can get a little preachy and smug, just like these NR folks here. The fatal flaw of their whole premise here is that its based on their incorrect belief that they are so intellectual and superior to the dumb liberals and that by wearing these costumes they'll be "teaching" us something we don't know.

    4. Allmighty_Manos

      The guys who wrote Airplane? Of course the lesson from this is that conservatives cease to be funny once they actually start riffing on politics.

    5. tessiee

      "outside of PJ O'Rourke, name some conservative that is routinely funny"

      I never thought P.J. O'Rourke was all that funny. I've read him since the National Lampoon days, and his writing always strikes me as the kind of mean-spirited, bullying rants that people with absolutely no sense of humor think is "teasing". Well, that, and coming up with synonyms for "nigger".

    6. tessiee

      "They just can't tell or take a joke."

      They can't take a joke because they're cowardly crybabies with a huge, unearned persecution complex.
      They can't tell a joke because a) most of them are dumb bastards, and b) if they had the sort of self-knowledge or grasp of irony that's necessary for a sense of humor, they wouldn't be conservatives.

      Also, they tend to be overdogs, which is bad drama as well as bad comedy. When the underdog makes fun of the overdog, it's brave and funny and you hope he wins. When the overdog makes fun of the underdog, it comes across as bullying, and since he's already the overdog, he's already won, so there's no suspense and nothing to hope for.

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Captain Morgan was in fact a ruthless, greedy privateer who stole vast sums of wealth slaughtering thousands of people throughout the New World. He was a true capitalist

    So, they are willing to admit that is the true nature of unrestrained Capitalism. Perhaps the only honest thing that has ever been posted on NRO. Now, if only they would call on their candidates to endorse their view.

    1. Guppy

      Seriously, once again the far right manages to inadvertently sing the praises of the status quo in Somalia.

  20. MadBrahms

    And so the tea party goes dressed as the British for Halloween, officially signalling that their capacity for cognitive dissonance knows no bounds.

    1. Mumbly_Occupado

      It's not really cognitive dissonance if they're completely illiterate and have no comprehension of history, you know. In their defense.

  21. Numbat_Dundee

    I'm confused. I thought Republicans dressed as "patriots" in comical 1776 gear. Now they want to come dressed as the people the "patriots" fought against. Surely they should stick to tradition and dress as Klansmen so that everything is clear?

  22. Guppy

    "Anglosphere": For when you want to sing the praises of being a white Protestant without being called on it.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Or that guy who ran Formula One racing.

      But the kidz probably couldn't afford the hookers as costume accessories.

  23. MiniMencken

    Gosh, I believe I could scare a bunch of NRO weenies by dressing up as a member of the Reform Club. But, wait a minute, would it count if I was already a member?

  24. Negropolis

    You just know that they wanted to add Nathan Bedford Forrest.

    He was also an obese alcoholic who blew up his own ship

    Oh, so you're saying he was a proto-teabagger, eh? Seriously, though, I love how British fascists try to talk about "us" to Americans. This ain't Canada or Australia. Take your "us" elsewhere, wanker.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      A warship – the Oxford, I believe – that was gift from the British government.

      Harry Morgan went on to be the Jamaican governor – which makes him a bit less like Ole Newt, who isn't going to again serve in public office. From Dogcatcher on up.

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if they really want to go down this path, there are plenty of Americans that were racist capitalist who killed indiscriminately. What's wrong with going as Custer? Any number of American Generals during the Philippine-American War, or the founder of a banana plantation in Central America.

    Why does the NRO hate America so?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You could dress up as a US Marine. Then when you are asked "Are you Chesty Puller? Gunny Highway? Sgt Major Dan Daly?" you say "No, Smedley Butler." Ha ha fuck them!

      1. LiveToServeYa

        Win! But you'd have to explain who SB was, and you can't offend people if you have to explain.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Yeah, you're right. As has been stated already here, these fuckers just don't get irony. Or subtlety.

  26. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    dress your kids as British imperial heroes

    You know, the guys Barack Obama stabbed with the bone in his nose when he was a kid.

  27. rickmaci

    Other than the bow tie wearing poofter boys at NR, nobody in this country has given a shit about the puerile attempts at humor at the expense of the US by some inbred limey imperialist since, well, George III. God save the Drag Queen.

  28. mercianomad

    Better to steal the whole construction. You can make people groan with things like "OMGödel's incompleteness theorems" or "Waiting for OMGodot." Er, uh..that is, when those things come up in, you know, casual conversation.

  29. Sue4466

    So, this guy's point is that racists, murderers, pirates, and alcoholics are only scary to liberals? Doesn't that make righties pro-racism, pro-murder, pro-pirate, and pro-alcoholic? I always suspected, but this honesty is refreshing.

  30. neiltheblaze

    Don't these humorless flits understand that if you have to explain the joke, the joke is doomed?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Though in fairness to H.W. "Bumsie" Crocker III, his "jokes" would stink even if you didn't need an explanation.

  31. x111e7thst

    Here is a suggestion, TeaTards: Dress your grubby brats as General Elphinstone or even William Brydon. Now that is taking up the White Man's Burden.

  32. Chichikovovich

    There's always true conservative hero Jack the Ripper – upperclass Englishman killing and mutilating the lower classes under cover of darkness.

    Or Thomas More, someone conservatives invoke all the time. I'm not sure why, but I imagine it was because of all the Lutherans he ordered burned at the stake.

    Then of course there's Richard II, who imposed a crushing flat tax (3 groats!). But that's not all. When the peasants, craftsmen and tradesmen revolted and when the revolt appeared to be threatening success, he invited the leader of the rebels to discuss their grievances, under a guarantee of safe conduct. When the unarmed leader Wat Tyler came to the conference, he was immediately set upon and killed. Thus establishing the conservative paradigm of labour-management relations that endures to this day.

    Then there was George III, who was stark raving batshit.

    And Edward VIII, who was a feckless, effete, spoiled Nazi sympathizer.

    Really, Britain has gifted us so many conservative heros to choose from this Halloween I can't even begin to name them all.

  33. Oblios_Cap

    The wingers possess the thought processes of six year olds and yet wonder why nobody likes them. How would dressing up as obscure historical assholes scare anyone? Especially if you have to explain who you are everytime you try to start a conversation?

    Guido Fawkes – now there's a historical lobsterback that everybody knows.

    1. Chichikovovich

      "Especially if you have to explain who you are everytime you try to start a conversation?"

      And especially if the explanation is utterly senseless and reveals you to have no contact with reality. Here's an imagined conversation. 100% realistic. No caricature whatsoever. Stark truth. Nothing but:

      Puzzled Interlocutor: "And why are they supposed to be scared of Napier? I mean, that "Peccavi" message was a pretty good line."

      H.W. "Bumsie" Crocker III, Upperclass Twit of the Year: "No, no, don't you get it? He said he would enforce laws against suttee, and liberals would hate that, because of multiculturalism."

      PI: "Liberals hate enforcing laws against burning widows? That's nuts. I know a bunch of liberals, and none of them believe anything like that."

      HW"B"C III UTY: "No, no, they absolutely love widowburning because it is "authentic and cultural", and you know they love everything about every culture. Except white culture, haw haw. That gave us the TV's they watch their PBS on. Haw Haw."

      PI: "So, who, exactly, do you know that believes anything like the things you've listed?"

      HW"B"C III UTY: "Are you crazy? I wouldn't go near wackaloons like that. But when Ann Coulter was on Hannity they told me everything I need to know. Had some great lines too – like did you know liberals hate morality and the rich because they're losers? ZING!"

      PI: "OK, gotcha. Happy Halloween"

  34. BaldarTFlagass

    In honor of Mr Crocker III and the British Dental Health Foundation, I am going to go dressed as a mouthful of bad teeth this year.

  35. snoopyfan2010

    So what they're saying is that British imperialists are the equivalent of devils and witches? Huh, OK.

  36. DahBoner

    Hmmm…. Field Marshal Sir Gerard Templer or Lyndon Johnson, which shall it be?

    I think I'll go as LBJ getting a B.J. from his "typing pool"….

  37. Terry

    "But the comically racist descriptions of the locals in his books “would surely have driven the liberal thought police to order him imprisoned at Guantanamo” if they were written today, so he still counts as a Republican Hero."

    He sounds like a Republican Congressman, actually.

  38. LiveToServeYa

    I predict there will be no fourth Crocker. Which is too bad, as I find a fifth endlessly fascinating.

  39. OccupytheDashboard

    The only thing that scares this "lefty" to death is a Cain/Romney/Perry appointed supreme court justice. What would that look like?

  40. OccupytheDashboard

    Overheard at a "party"

    "So…my character is Field Marshal Sir Gerard Templer. I'm sure you heard of him. He was famous for killing tons and tons of communists. Get it?"


  41. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm gonna make a hand puppet that looks like a Muslim terrorist, call him Lamb Chop Your Hand Off, and go as Sharia Lawis. THAT'll work.

  42. LesBontemps

    I'm gonna take them up on their idea of honoring British imperial tradition; I'll get together with a couple of friends and we'll go as "rum, sodomy and the lash."

  43. prommie

    Oh how fun, imaginary acts of passive-aggressive revenge against imaginary enemies who, in your imagination, give a shit what you think, do, or wear. Its just a complete shitstorm of paranoid masturbatory false reality.

  44. SoBeach

    "National Review’s Racist Halloween Costumes To ‘Scare Liberals’"

    Oh, I'm scared. Scared to know there are people childish and fuckwitted enough to publish something so lame. I picture them giggling at the NR, then trying to high-five each other and missing.

  45. mrblifil

    My costume to piss off the right will be to walk around with my inverted empty pants pockets sticking out. I will probably be shot with rubber bullets.

  46. ttommyunger

    I have yet to see the Rightie that could frighten me, in or out of costume; from Ollie "Bakery Boy" North to G. Gordon Fuckup.

  47. friendlyskies

    Captain Morgan also did some a decent job of nation building on the Caribbean Coast of Central America, founding towns, constructing infrastructure, and arming/organizing indigenous groups such as the Miskito, which had been genocided and marginalized by the Spanish Crown. His influence may be why those groups still maintain autonomous regions within their respective countries, where their culture, language, and traditional governments continue to operate without so much influence by European ideals and political structures.

    But, I suppose if you're a "conservative" who wants an excuse to dress up as a (yawn) sexy pirate, enjoy. Arrrrrgh.

  48. prommie

    The perfect conservative halloween costume: Ted Bundy, he was a young GOP rah rah boy, served as a delegate to the 1972 GOP convention, his last job was as assistant to the Oregon GOP Party chief. And murdered women and then fucked their dead corpses until they got too rotten for it to work anymore.

  49. actor212

    Maybe they could save everyone a lot of trouble and just go dressed as Upper Class Twits of the Year?

  50. Chet Kincaid

    Well. Whatever else you may think of Sir Richard Francis Burton, at least he teamed up with Mark Twain and Alice In Wonderland to discover how the aliens manufactured souls.

    (The Church Of Riverworld could have been bigger than Scientology and Mormonism combined, if only Farmer was a charlatan.)

  51. HedonismBot

    Morgan "was also an obese alcoholic who blew up his own ship, which would make him 'the terror of liberal health and safety bureaucrats today.'"
    Time to defund those killjoy, big-government arson investigators. What's this country coming to when ya can't even burn big shit down, for fun, and/or profit?

  52. El Pinche

    All I know is that some conservatard dressed as Napier will be leaving the Halloween party alone back to his cheetoh bag and puter.

  53. UnholyMoses

    Wait just one second here.

    Weren't these the same assholes who cheered on the Teatardaloons who dressed up as anti-British heroes?

    And now they're supposed to dress up as pro-British (alleged) heroes?

    I haz a confoozed.

    It's just example #3,891,254 of how the conservative world is built around pissing off liberals. That's it. Period. Nothing else is there. Just spite.

  54. Wonderthing

    Why not just dress up as a turd? Everyone's afraid of turds. Or an idiot. I'm afraid of them. Or an idiot turd. Yep. Idiot. Turd.

  55. owhatever

    Yeah. Send your kid to the Halloween party dressed as any of those and he will have to explain that he doesn't have a clue about who he is supposed to be. Then the bigger kids will beat the snot out of him for not dressing like Captain Jack Sparrow, and try to drown him in the apple bobbing contest.

  56. AlaskaGrrl

    This is probably the most honest thing I've ever seen in the NR. The outright admission that "conservative" values are racism, authoritarianism, militarism, and colonial exploitation. Funny he left off King George III or General Cornwallis or Lord Fredrick North…

  57. ragnarok4msm

    I'm dressing as a OWS prostitu……..err, protester.No wait on second thought; I don't want to have to stink, be endorsed by NAZIs, BLack Panthers, labor Unions,Rascists(jews),The communist party USA, Chavez, Iran,etc.. etc…SOOOO ghost pirate it is this year

  58. mavenmaven

    Nothing scares liberals more than Nazis. So if you are a current National Review reader, pull out that Nazi outfit from your closet and finally, proudly stroll through the streets in it!

  59. Biel_ze_Bubba

    At one time I took out a subscription to NR, with the vague intent of learning what the right wing was thinking. I learned that they aren't.

  60. Oblios_Cap

    From what I've seen, there are plenty that would like to give it a go. Or at least try polishing his knob.

  61. Mumbly_Occupado

    Back when he was in high school, my best friend went to a "famous couples" themed dance with his then-girlfriend as Lewis Caroll and Alice Liddell. It was super, super creepy. And thus, kind of an awesome way to troll everyone.

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