JESUS PEOPLE IN THE NEWS  10:55 am October 26, 2011

Violent Birther Gun Nut Also Massive Fan of Tranny Porn, Dildos

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Dildos help induce tears while praying?Freedom fighter Darren Huff is a half-wit Georgia Militia birther goon in the news lately for being convicted of plotting a commando assault on the Monroe County courthouse in Tennessee, his mission being to punish a few lowly municipal employees for the sin of refusing to try to remove President Obama from office. He brought with him the usual violent nutjob accountrements such as an AK-47, a Colt .45 and several hundred rounds of ammunition, but according to the FBI’s “Returned Property” document detailing the items that were given back to Huff after his arrest, he also apparently needed his trusty remote-controlled pink dildo and his DVD of “Tranny Hunter” to help him fulfill his crusader mandate from Jeebus. 

And yes, before you ask, Huff was also chaplain of the Georgia Militia, for extra scary self-loathing, gun-wielding, secret tranny-loving Jesus freaks-and-their-tears-of-rage bonus points. [TPM/Scribd via Wonkette operative "Ray S."]

 
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{ 293 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] October 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

What, no wetsuit?

Terry October 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

He did, however, have a wrench. Don't ask what that was for.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

Duh, tightening his nuts. Trucknutz also.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

Yes!

It IS Cocktober!
~

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

I had begun to wonder. Thank Dog that this patriot made such a noble sacrifice for us all.

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Tranny hunter + pink dildo = Cocktober Surprise!

El Pinche October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

God i love Cocktober.

ChurchofRealism October 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Awesome, I submitted this through the tips. Cocktober!!!

Barb October 26, 2011 at 10:58 am

Remote-controlled dildos? No wonder why Americans are obese. if you can't walk across your mom's basement to fetch your rubber dork then you are just a lazy wanker.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 11:02 am

Now Barb, you judge too harshly. Maybe they were referring to this.

Barb October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

Oh God, where does one go to buy something like that? Bed Bath and Behind? Sex Toys R Us?

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:10 am

Well, I have seen free rides offered on Craigs List. Seen. Not experienced.

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

"Bed Bath and Behind?"

Awww fuck! Coffee on my monitor AGAIN.

Barb October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

Sorry, my bad!

RadioOcupados October 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

Santorum's favorite store.

Tundra Grifter October 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

Bed, Bath and Waaayyyyy Beyond.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

I am afraid to click on that link.

JustPixelz October 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

it is NSFW, unless you work at GOP headquarters … anywhere.

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

I'm quite certain it would trigger my firing via the IT Big Brother brigade.

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

This is why you should get the IT boys to teach you how to remotely access your home computer from work. It's what they all do when they get NSFW links (or links to blocked sites) at work.

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

For reference for anyone afraid to click on the link, it's a half-cylinder that sits on the floor/bed, and has what is usually a little nub but in this case is more like a doorknob (attachments are modular). When activated, the nub/knob/whatever will vibrate at varying frequencies.

I'm sure you kids at work can figure out what to do with this.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

Sounds like the time old Roy ran and jumped in the saddle but the horse moved.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

As soon as you do, your boss will just happen to walk in and see the screen, while alarms will go off in the IT department.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

I am the IT department.

Limeylizzie October 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

I had the exact same thought, then I though of what a fun game that would be, you hand over control of the remote to your beloved /a friend// the dog and let the fun begin.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

LL, I think the dog would need the owner to swab some peanut butter on the buttons.

Barb October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

Be back in a Jiff.

flamingpdog October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Peter Pans this idea.

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

That is actually the general idea, rather than straight-up laziness.

Limeylizzie October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

Yes, I should think so, I was quite lost in a reverie thinking of that, I would want one with a long-range remote, I was imaging just walking down the street and then…all of a sudden…

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

I dunno. Imagine his embarrassment when he finds the remote in the basement where he lives, pushes a button, and his mom screams from upstairs.

teebob2000 October 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

You have NO idea.

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 11:24 am

What if it's a Predator Dildo? Of course, one would probably need to walk to the closet where the Osama Bin Laden merkin is kept.

Ohforcripessake October 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Ha Ha Ha! Thanks for the mental image of a dildo running across the basement floor! :-)

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 12:39 pm

hahahah…or the chestburster scene from Alien

GortRay October 26, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"The stockings were filled with bourbon and beer, and a big rubber dick for the family queer" (from "The Night Before Christmas": alternate Georgia version)

Gratuitous World October 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

Breaking: PPP reports Huff 29%, Romney 25% in most recent poll.

republicans support his platform, citing only negative as "color of dildo"

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

But, as a white Christian, we can't call him a terrorist.

Barb October 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

He was carrying weapons of ass destruction. I say he's a terrorist.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

"Weapons of ass destruction" – you're on fire with this story.

bagofmice October 26, 2011 at 12:53 pm

That post just can't be topped… Remotely.

Chillwaver October 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

I'm perfectly okay with just calling him an redneck asshole.

comrad_darkness October 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

You can, but only if you're willing to be called a treasonous bastard for it.

CommieLibunatic October 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

It doesn't matter what we call him since words are currently failing me.

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

May we call him "vice-presidential material"?

Schmannnity October 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

Georgia has a tranny hunting season,but the weapons are limited to pink dildos.

SayItWithWookies October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

No blaze orange for safety?

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:23 am

The purpose of the orange is to distinguish non-targets (hunters) from targets (every other living thing) while sitting in a tree a couple miles outside of Bumblefuck, GA.

During tranny hunting season in the Georgian backwoods, no such distinction is necessary.

mayor_quimby October 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I've found something new to do this fall!

LowProfileinGA October 26, 2011 at 5:34 pm

No bag limit.

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

This guy has to be messed up… he's from Dallas… the Georgia one.

OkieDokieDog October 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Oh, that guy. When I saw the headline I thought you were talking about Ted Cat Scratch Fever.

ManchuCandidate October 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Remote Control Dildo?

"Squeal like a pig, boy" Indeed.

littlebigdaddy October 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

So the GA militia has movie nights?

Chillwaver October 26, 2011 at 11:02 am

A fan of dildos, from Georgia…sounds like Herb Cain supporter.

Ann Coulter Libel, also.

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 11:21 am

Did you mean noted SF Examiner columnist Herb Caen, or "pizza executive" and faux presidential candidate Herman Cain?

Chillwaver October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

All of 'em, Katie.

You know what? You are right – I should give this meme up. it's just not picking up as quickly as I thought it would.

TitsAkimbo October 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

I still use it, too. Slips right off the tongue, it does.

bagofmice October 26, 2011 at 12:54 pm

It's not Kristol libel?

WigFlipper October 26, 2011 at 11:02 am

Think that's a porno-parady of the Norwegian mockumentary Trollhunter?

arihaya October 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

AK-47 ???

did he think he's Russian?

Show your nationalizm, Moran !

GOPCrusher October 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I know. It gives me hours of laughter to see these real Mericuns toting around a Commie weapon like an AK-47.
Get a Colt AR-15, pussy.

LowProfileinGA October 26, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Comes in pink to match the dildo:
http://blog.riflegear.com/archive/2007/12/26/hell

Lucidamente1 October 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

What will his sentence be?

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

Heaven!

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

If only I had more upfists to give.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

Huff would wish for more upfist too, I bet.

CapnFatback October 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

A run-on, I hope.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

Well, his punctuation probably is dotted with colons.

arihaya October 26, 2011 at 11:39 am

"Bailiff, whack his peepee"

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:29 pm

That deserves to be a meme on the order of "all of them, Katie." Let's see it again soon.

GOPCrusher October 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Let he who does not enjoy tranny porn, cast the first dildo?

Monsieur_Grumpe October 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

What was he using for bait?

ThundercatHo October 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

Free samples of Clinique products

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

A sprinkled trail of sequins?

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Breitbart's phone number.

Toomush_Infer October 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

So, happiness really is a warm gun….

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

*clicks on TPM link*

HOLY SHIT. And yet, somehow, the pink dildo seems screamingly… erm… fitting.

Not_So_Much October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Yeah, he's a Bear, right? Other than all that gun shit, he seems to fit the type.

littlebigdaddy October 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

You know what *other* violent right winger was a closeted ghey?

Crank_Tango October 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

Ernst Rohm?

philpjfry October 26, 2011 at 11:21 am

All of them?

teebob2000 October 26, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Win

littlebigdaddy October 26, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Yes, all of them, Katie.

Not_So_Much October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Wayne LaPierre?

RadioOcupados October 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

Not Red Skelton?

GOPCrusher October 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Charlton Heston?

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:05 am

Remote-control dildo? Whats with that? Does that mean he can't reach back there to operate it manually? Fucking dude is too lazy to fuck himself, if that don't beat all, to quote Major Kong.

undeterredbyreality October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

And don't forget "Yeeeehaaaaawww!!!"

Steverino247 October 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

Shoot! A feller could have a pretty good time in Dallas (the original word, covered by "Vegas" after the JFK shooting) with all that!

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

A nut driver! And an impact wrench… this guy is hard core…

Monsieur_Grumpe October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

Two nut drivers! Kinky no?

Sparky_McGruff October 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Remote control dildo, an impact wrench, four condoms, and a tube of KY gel. I'm sorry, I can't quite wrap my brain around what that shopping list is for.

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

An overnight in prison.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:06 am

Hey, now it all makes sense: he expected to get caught.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

Everyone needs to look at the picture of this guy at TPM and CBS – classic redneck teabaggers; he's got a long scraggly grey goatee and a pickup truck with "DON'T TREAD ON ME" with the image of a snarling snake on the side.

dizzeeboy October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Worse, google "tranny hunter," first hit, and meet his twin bruh.

(. . . ahem . . . props to a TPM commenter)

Not_So_Much October 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

Is it a snarling trouser snake? Heavens to Betsy!

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

Somehow I suspect the back has TruckNutz too.

widestanceshakedown October 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

And the other side says, "Batries don't fail me now!"

GregComlish October 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

Wow. Honestly, I was not expecting a snake that large.

teebob2000 October 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

That's what HE said. To his tranny blind date.

NorthStarSpanx October 26, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Snakes can't make faces. But at least a patriotic one can snarl.

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

How the fuck does a dildo have a remote? And before ANY of you send me a link DON'T. I'd rather not know!

Not_So_Much October 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

A real patriot would be a job-creator and hire a RentBoy for this type of work instead of a Chinese(?) battery.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

Well in this case it looks like he'd rather hire a RentLadyBoy.

Crank_Tango October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

The best part about this is that absolutely none of it is surprising. Not the stupid, violent plan, not the guns, not the ammo, not even the tranny porn and the dildo.

NorthStarSpanx October 26, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I can't wait til for the militia court to prove that even in the face of overwhelming evidence, that the government planted those humiliating devices just to discredit their own.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Surprising = wtf only a 5 yr sentence. Which means what? 2.8 yrs or HEAVEN in a Federal Pound you in the Ass prison?

Allmighty_Manos October 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Yeah, I just kind of assume anytime a violent Tea Party freak or religious nut gets busted they are sitting on a stash of weird – and potentially illegal – niche porn.

x111e7thst October 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

Odd how a lot of the guys with subscriptions to Soldier of Fortune also have a subscription to Chicks with Dicks.

ManchuCandidate October 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

Not surprising as Soldier of Fortune is to War as Letters to Penthouse is to Sex.

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

Big gun = big dick = deliriously delightful buttßechs.

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

Oh, I always thought big guns fell in the overcompensating camp. But, it appears that this guy prefers catching, anyway.

starfanglednut October 26, 2011 at 7:25 pm

BTW, love your new name, V

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Thanks! I get tired of looking each avatar after a while so try to keep them current. This one almost makes me feel as if I’m doing something to help, besides sending supportive thoughts.

GorzoTheMighty October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

You can't make this shit up. Reality is always stranger than fiction.The stories just write themselves Cocktober and Jesusween. a winning combo.

weejee October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

But Huff paid his taxes, unlike Cain and Capone.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

Pink dildos with remotes are way over rated – when my neighbor opens his garage door my nightstand starts vibrating. Such a waste of batteries.

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

So what you need instead of a remote-control dildo is the remote-control for the garage.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:10 am

Hmm … how often does your neighbor watch in confusion, as his garage door goes up and down for no apparent reason?

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

"I still jerk-off manually"

-The Dude-

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

A remote, really? I mean, really? I guess you always have to make sure you are stocked up with batteries at Huff's house.

neiltheblaze October 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

The pink dildo goes so well with his Confederate Flag spooge rag.

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 11:10 am

A chaplain, huh? So Huff is a "man of the cloth". Good cloth, no doubt, with decent thread count in some nice pastels to match that pink dildo.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:01 am

Man of the cloth, eh? So, that's what they are calling the Klan, now…

GhostBuggy October 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

"Tranny Hunter"? Is that like "Bitch Hunter"? Because I love that show.

RadioOcupados October 26, 2011 at 11:12 am

In the Battle of Backdoor Sharia what better weapons than an AK-47 and a remote controlled dildo?

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

Pink dildos really *pop* against a white robe.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

"The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung."

That explains the whole invasion of the Courthouse plan.

Dok-cupy Everything October 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

So, he didn't really need his dildo back, now did he?

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:02 am

You know, my underpants jury is hung, too. Hung like a horse.

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

On an entirely different note, you gotta love the sense of humor of the cops who listed, in such delicious detail, the items being returned to Huff (and Puff on cock). Big thumbs to the clerk!

RadioOcupados October 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

He prefers to call them "Predator Bones."

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:15 am

I am so proud of Karma today. Keep it up you cosmic comic force for good!!!

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

Little mix-up there; actually, it was a Makita impact dildo with remote. Get your freak on, girl.

Tundra Grifter October 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

She's so tough, she uses a Black & Decker vibrator.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Hooked up to a 2.5-hp Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine.

YasserArraFeck October 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Black & Pecker

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Crack & Pecker.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

John Deere diesel or go Homo.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:14 am

B&D is for pussies. DeWalt has the 18-volt model.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

Obviously it was the porn that made him violent (thank you, Roberts court!).

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

I didn't know that Pat Buchanan was remote controlled.

CapnFatback October 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

God, I remember my first tranny hunt, coming (and coming!) back to the truck with pa and the boys, our shirts smudged with mascara and our pink dildos slung over our shoulders. We drove home with the freshly-killed trannies strapped to the hood, their wigs flapping in the breeze and their falsies akimbo. We sang songs about automatic weaponry and the naturalization process for U.S. citizenry. Later that night, "Uncle" Rick sodomized me behind the porn shed.

*sniff*

Those were the salad days, y'know?

OkieDokieDog October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

That is pant-wetting funny. Trust me.

CapnFatback October 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

That's EXACTLY what "Uncle" Rick said!

ThundercatHo October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

This would make a great Lifetime movie. Of course banjos for the soundtrack and maybe they could cast Justin Beiber as your character. My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

"My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old."

Well, CGI has advanced to the that we can make him look younger…again.

Barrelhse October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

All halcyon and santorum back then.

FlownOver October 26, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Salad-tossing days, if you please.

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Sounds like the Bizarro version of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

I wonder, was it a wired or wireless remote?

Crank_Tango October 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

bluetooth? there's a joke in there somewhere…

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Well, if it is like my wireless connection. It is up and down. Up and down.

YasserArraFeck October 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Fucker's a Georgia redneck – "No-tooth" is the operative phrase

Zombie_Reagan October 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

First, Obama came for our dildos, and we said nothing….

philpjfry October 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

Maybe he thought it was trainee hunters and he was looking for recruits and the dildo was a signing bonus

proudgrampa October 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

"Tranny Hunter" ???

What the fuck does that even MEAN???

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

We could give him the benefit of the doubt that he needed a transmission for his hate mobile and "Tranny Hunter" is a trade mag similar to "Auto Parts and Stuff".

Aw hell, he deserves no benefit of the doubt.

Crank_Tango October 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

Like that paper I thought said "actor pull"…

JustPixelz October 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

If you do it right, the trannies will do the hunting. Though you can lure them to your closet with a GOP membership card, or "Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" bumper sticker.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

OT, but I just came across the scariest photo ever of Newt's trinket twat.
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/gallery/2011/01/meet

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

Sweet Jesus…were the two of them playing with Ouija board and Lizzie Borden took control of Mrs. Newt's soul?

(I kid…Mrs. Newt doesn't have a soul. Lizzie must have taken over the Combat Information Center)

MonsterAGoGo October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Jesus she looks like a cross between LimeCat and a shark.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

I would've said Martha Stewart after being given a Drano colonic.

Ducksworthy October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Eww. No wonder Gnut had to buy her the diamonds. She has a smile that's eerily reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 11:54 am

She looks even more like Jack Nicholson in Batman.

neiltheblaze October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Behold the power of botox and amphetamines.

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Christ on a bike. Thanks for the impending nightmares, Baldar. Admittedly, I should have known better than to click…personal responsibility, blah, blah.

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

Needz moar Tiffany's baubles.

TitsAkimbo October 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

That's her Tiffany's O-face afterglow.

Barrelhse October 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

No, Baldar, I think that's the Count from Sesame St.
I mean, what a schnozzola!

flamingpdog October 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

Even scarier when she gets horny.

FlownOver October 26, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Princess Sparkle Pony FTW!

GregComlish October 26, 2011 at 11:59 am

No, Newt's face is way creepier. Calista just looks like a homicidal freak. Newt looks like he's blowing his load.

PuckStopsHere October 26, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Obvs you didn't click through to pic #18 in the gallery. Scarier still.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Photo #1 was all I could handle. I'll go back later…

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Just saw #18. OMIGOD – It's Martian Spy Girl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDAaTzccCik

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Sweet tears of baby Jesus – you don't usually see people holding a giant axe with their eyes conveying an orgasmic sense of discovery: "Ahhhh! At last I sense my destiny!". Sort of like the look you see in Jack Nicholson's eyes in the Shining when he knocks back his first drink after "five miserable months on the wagon."

I dare say we haven't had the last of giant-chopping-tool related stories relating to wife III.

comrad_darkness October 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Newt has that satisfied look of someone who's just humped a giant ax.

glamourdammerung October 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Newt must have more of a thing for the crazy ones than I apparently do.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:07 am

Bitch looks like a busted, bootleg geisha on crack.

__kth__ October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

I didn't see this one coming, though obviously there's no excuse not to have.

Lazy Media October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

The Georgia Militia are just the most awesome ball of fail ever. They got busted in 1996, before the Olympics, for stockpiling pipe bombs. They claimed they needed them for self defense, and they got off on a lesser charge because it turned out that was actually why they had made them.

I'm in the Navy Reserve, and if I ever run into an Oathkeeper who's still in the military, I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts.

comrad_darkness October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

I live a sedate life, someone help me out here . . . why does one need a remote control on a dildo?

Pragmatist2 October 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to be the one sound stupid.

a_pink_poodle October 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

Now you have comrad_darkness to carry the stupid burden for you!

JustPixelz October 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

It's used to remove non-white presidents from office. You put the RCD in the middle of the road. The target POTUS runs up and stops abruptly with a vibrato sound. At that moment, the dildo is activated by remote control though inevitably nothing happens. The POTUS runs away, explaining "beep, beep". The wily RCD operator then tries to figure out what went wrong by shaking, jumping and — eventually — inserting the RCD. At that point it starts working vigorously. "Uh oh … oh …. oh …. OH MY GOD!" he cries out, using traditional sign-on-a-stick technique.

That's my understanding, not that I would actually know from first hand experience.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:23 pm

This could only be better with an anvil or a cliff included.

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm

If you read the fine print, it says, "Warning: Not effective on road runners."

comrad_darkness October 26, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I see that everyone else on here also leads a sedate life, despite previous impressions to the contrary.

smoothmineral October 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Sadly, I am in the same boat as you, and my only information on what "straight" men do with sex toys comes from the legal documents concerning the sexual harassment lawsuit one of Bill O'Reilly's employees brought against him.

That being said, my guess would be that the remote control would allow him to change the vibration settings on the dildo while it's inserted.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:33 am

That was my guess… the ladies have easier access to the device in situ.
I wondered more about his choice of color. I mean, I can understand his not getting the big black one … but pink?

neiltheblaze October 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

Bank of America should give pink dildos out to new checking account customers. It's more personal than a toaster.

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Good idea … anybody opening a new checking account with Bank of America IS a dildo.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:12 am

Obviously, you don't know what these men do with toasters, then….

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:36 am

It would be sort of a truth-in-advertising thing, considering that they're gonna fuck you eventually.

JustPixelz October 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

Another uplifting story of a Real American® who wants to live the Sarah Palin™ lifestyle.

But you left out the other items returned to Chaplain Huff: KY gel, condoms and … of course, a nut driver.

Why can't I meet open-minded girls like Mr Huff?

RadioOcupados October 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

Jobs' last creation: the iDildo — this time bigger is better.

BornInATrailer October 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

When told last night the jury was hung, Huff asked if he could look under the jury's skirt.

JustPixelz October 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

They also held his MasterCard. The ad writes itself:

KY Gel : $5
Condoms : $10
Remote control dildo : $50
Having your fetish published on wonkette : priceless

ChrisM2011 October 26, 2011 at 11:32 am

Dildo with remote? Now that's just being lazy.

Beowoof October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Just trying to get into prison where he can be a hot prison tranny bitch. Or a chick with a dick.

proudgrampa October 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

If he had a dildo and porn, what was he going to do with the Makita impact wrench, ferchrissake?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:37 am

Dildo plus Makita is a promising combo. I'm guessing he found plans on the internet.

Pragmatist2 October 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

Good Lord!!!! You left off the "4 condoms" and the "KY lube" later on in the report. He's not just stupid, he's optimistic!

Oblios_Cap October 26, 2011 at 11:40 am

The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung.

It must have been an all-male jury.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:41 am

Do you need a concealed-carry permit for those dildos, or is Georgia an "open-carry" state?

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Does the dildo have an iCloud feature, where friends can log on and operate it from any web browser?

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Can one hate-f__k in the cloud?

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

Tranuary is arriving early this year!

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

"Tranuary" *wild applause*

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

I agree. I did the coffee vs. monitor thing.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:42 am

If you're a regular visitor, you should probably invest in a coffee-proof keyboard.

TitsAkimbo October 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

I think the pink dildo is an offensive weapon, unlike the punishing dildo mallet, which is clearly defensive.

El Pinche October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

GIVE ME THAT PINK DILDO YOU WARTHOG FROM HELL!!

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DILDOS OF WAR

hagajim October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

Did he use the Makita impact wrench to screw in the dildo?

starfanglednut October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

What was he gonna do, detonate the dildo by remote control, and put the gun up his ass?

YasserArraFeck October 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

The roadside IAD (Intra-Anal Device)

WhatTheHeck October 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

Reading through all yourr comments has left me exhausted.
Think I'll have a cigarette, now.

OccupyFnChicken October 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

TENNESSEE TENNESSEE TENNESSEE

God dammit, home state! You're getting way too much press on my beloved Wonkette. Everyone here is going to hate us eventually. If it ain't meth, it's racist email or mentally-challenged gubernatorial candidates.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm

No no, Chicken. Crazed birther fuckhole is from Georgia. He only tried to blow shit up in Tennessee. We're safe for the time being, and… oh, wait.*

*Link is SFW, you fraidy-cats!

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

That's because Tennessee went all sharia on us.

Schmannnity October 26, 2011 at 2:51 pm

If we had real freedom in this country, you could cook your raccoon in a parking lot without having the government sticking its nose in your meth lab.

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I think Georgia and Tennessee are still trailing behind Florida, Texas, and Arizona for top awards is asshole behavior. But just for the sheer crazee, ya got 'em whooped.

teebob2000 October 26, 2011 at 11:56 am

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I got nothin else.

Neilist_Returns October 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

My name is Neilist, and I approve of this message.

Neilist
Campaign Manager
Neilist For President Campaign
"A Pink Remote Controlled Dildo In Every Hand, And A Colt Model 1911A1 In Every Ass!"

. . . no, wait a minute . . . .

WhatTheHeck October 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

What gauge is that dido anyway?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash your pink dildo out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and flip the power switch until the batteries go "click".

DerrickWildcat October 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm

And guilty of bad taste. Tranny Hunter from #17 thereon (when they got a new director) are the only ones worth watching in the series.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I do hope when it goes HD they remaster the special FX too.

mayor_quimby October 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I saw this truly awesome truck at a gun show about 2 months ago. I was so taken aback by it's patriotic glory I had to snap a photo because nobody would believe me. http://static.inky.ws/image/759/image.jpg
Sure enough he was running some booth at the front selling shirts with those logos and pamphlets about some craziness.
I wish I had known I was in the presence of greatness!

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Well, it's a step up from plastering the fucking thing with hate-Obama-stickers.

GunToting[Redacted] October 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Is that a giant banana in the bed?

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

That's one of his two nut drivers.

mayor_quimby October 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

No, it's a giant Gadsen Don't Tread On Me flag, naturally.
That's gotta kill the gas mileage with that shit flapping in the wind.

glamourdammerung October 26, 2011 at 2:52 pm

I never understood why Gadsen flags were supposed to be so intimidating. Maybe all the rattlesnakes I have killed with very little effort puts me in the wrong demographic.

HarryButtle October 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

You can have my pink remote-controlled dildo when you pry it from my cold, dead…sphincter?

fuflans October 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm

well. this should make his prison term more interesting.

slowhansolo October 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Now there's a good shot of the old time stuff! Nothing says "terrorism" like a pink, remote controlled dildo!

fuflans October 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

(1) DVD containing pornographic…
(1) pink dildo with…
(1) makita impact wrench…
(2) nut drives
(4) condoms
(1) bottle of KY…
(1) MasterCard

gives new meaning to the question 'what has it got in its pocketses?'

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:53 am

I never gave it much thought, but they really weren't kidding:
"For everything else, there's MasterCard."

RedneckMuslin October 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

What? I can't believe this. This story is over an hour old and didn't see one Chaz Bono comment.

El Pinche October 26, 2011 at 12:20 pm

"To the last, I grapple with thee; With my pink dildo, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit Santorum at thee”

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:28 pm

TRANN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I can't speak for anyone else, but you have won the day for me.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:42 pm

8130.4?

fuflans October 26, 2011 at 12:22 pm

In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand: “It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment. I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.'

oh huff honey, you may want to save those tears. things just got a whole lot worse.

DerrickWildcat October 26, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Now that I think of it,
Headline and story could have been:
Man from DALLAS, GEORGIA….

Anybody seeing that knows that something pretty fucked up just happened.

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

How would have Steve Irwin died in Tranny Hunter?

DrBobNM October 26, 2011 at 12:41 pm

definitely gives birthers a bad rap. where do you guys/gals/??? come up with this stuff? Very entertaining. Love the comments as well.

teebob2000 October 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

You people are being too dismissive of the guy.

If you look at the full list, it includes an impact wrench, nut driver, condoms, KY jelly and a MasterCard. Why, a man could rule the WORLD with such things!!

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 12:49 pm

"Or have a nice weekend in Vegas."

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Putin might agree with you.

not that Dewey October 26, 2011 at 12:49 pm
GregComlish October 26, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Does anybody know on Blingee where I can find the RC pink dildos and Tranny porn???

lulzmonger October 26, 2011 at 12:56 pm

When pink remote-controlled dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will have pink remote-controlled dildos.

This goes here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUqmMuqGo3o

justkillmenow October 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I keep picturing this guy getting mad over the description of the dildo as "pink" when he actually viewed it as "flesh colored." Because a pink dildo would make him look gay.

Troglodeity October 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Nothing unusual here. Dildos and tranny porn are standard issue for all Georgia Militia members.

Nostrildamus October 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I know what you're thinking, punk. Did he insert five AAs, or six? Considering this is a Mangun 45, the most powerful dildo in the world, powerful enough to take your head clean off, you need to be asking yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?

Callyson October 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand when he said: “my government has called me a potential domestic terrorist.”
“It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment,” Huff also said. “I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.”
Butch, get over yourself. At a time when real veterans can't get a job, decent people are losing their houses thanks to the shenanigans of the banks, and our future looks bleaker every day, unemployment should be the least of your problems.
Jerk.

Jukesgrrl October 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

If a commando raid on a county courthouse is an acceptable way to "have a voice" someone needs to explain that to the Oakland Police Department.

MrFizzy October 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Does Tranny Hunter mean "I'm going out with a gun to hunt trannies", or "I am looking for a trannie to share a shower with"?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 5:02 am

Craigslist ad: "Wanted, used 4-speed manual for 1993 Ford F-150."

That's it, right? I mean, in rural Georgia, that's gotta be it, right?

Polythene_Pam October 26, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Maybe it's time for a great big freaky 'love-in' at one of these occupy events. Maybe if we help them all stop feeling all weird about orgasms & general feelings of sexiness – maybe they'll relax a little & stop trying to sublimate all their naughty urges by engaging in violence & douchebaggery.

Dok-cupy Everything October 26, 2011 at 2:32 pm

The comments at The Blaze are the usual melange of cognitive dissonance. Several want to write the guy letters of support, while others are gearing up to exercise their 2nd Amendment Solutions.

In response to one brave soul who suggested that birthers stop beating a dead horse, this:

And we have a right to kick the coon out, and kick you out too. Commie creep

Oh, and they also think the filthy hippies of OWS should be shot.

owhatever October 26, 2011 at 2:34 pm

The Georgia Militia's emblem is an soaring eagle clutching a pink dildo in one claw and in the other, a copy of Nailin' Palin, the best movie ever made, except that it's about doing it to a woman. Rosebud.

Dok-cupy Everything October 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

This reminds me of that terrist group back in the 70's….the Sybian Liberation Army.

joobajooba October 26, 2011 at 2:47 pm

"One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers."
"I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine."

Trannysurprise October 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Thank God someone bought that video. Mamma needs her royalty check.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

But who is going to feed the gimp while Huff is in stir?

pdiddycornchips October 26, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Second Amendment remedies and pink dildos is the name of the Dixie Chicks first album.

succalina October 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

So, was he going to kill the employees, then cross dress them, then watch the video and have sexy time with the pink dildo, with KY to help him have sexy time with the rigamortized bodies?

And WTF is a "nut driver"? Oh wait…..

Antispandex October 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I'm sorry, but if he really thinks he can make up for all of his bad acts with a dildo and a tranny-porn video, I say too little, too late!

crybabyboehner October 26, 2011 at 4:52 pm

The remote is a nice touch.

GregComlish October 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Don't Tread on Me With Your Enormous Pink Dildo

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 6:04 pm

needz moar duck costume

Indiepalin October 26, 2011 at 7:26 pm

To put these events in perpective, it is not unusual for law enforcement to mix up the personal effects of a demented Davy Crockett wanna-be with those of the husband of a major presidential candidate.

ttommyunger October 26, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Plus, have you SEEN this asshat? He obviously hasn't seen his dick in twenty years and you KNOW he can't reach his own asshole. This fat fuck should be the Tea Party Poster Boy.

Dok-cupy Everything October 26, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Well, goddamn it. Thread is old news, and here it is 9:00 at night MDT, but I'm gonna say it anyway:

Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

That's a couple tiers of mortification above finding your parents' stash of condoms or your dad's old nudie mags, yes.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

You'll have to yell at yourself, then.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Oh crap! *hides*

Dashboard_Jesus November 4, 2011 at 12:21 am

now THAT is a fucking awesome WIN! (now how do I make sure my IT dept isn't tracking my Wonkette/ porn surfing?)

HateMachine October 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

Exactly, only this time, the horse kept moving, and moving and moving and oh my god

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Trigger!!

OccupytheDashboard October 26, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Let's stuff Trigger.

El Pinche October 26, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Then I just committed man slaughter into my gym sock.

comrad_darkness October 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Smaller government for the win.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 30, 2011 at 4:56 am

I'm sure the county coroners will love having every miscarriage in the state added to their to-do lists.

not that Dewey October 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

A gearhead friend of mine was driving home from Colorado when his car broke down, and I got a furious message: "I BLEW A TRANNY IN RATON!". Now, Raton, NM is about 20 miles from Trinidad, CO, the "Sex-Change Operation Capitol of the World". I advised him to revise his gearhead slang.

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