jesus people in the news

Violent Birther Gun Nut Also Massive Fan of Tranny Porn, Dildos

Dildos help induce tears while praying?Freedom fighter Darren Huff is a half-wit Georgia Militia birther goon in the news lately for being convicted of plotting a commando assault on the Monroe County courthouse in Tennessee, his mission being to punish a few lowly municipal employees for the sin of refusing to try to remove President Obama from office. He brought with him the usual violent nutjob accountrements such as an AK-47, a Colt .45 and several hundred rounds of ammunition, but according to the FBI’s “Returned Property” document detailing the items that were given back to Huff after his arrest, he also apparently needed his trusty remote-controlled pink dildo and his DVD of “Tranny Hunter” to help him fulfill his crusader mandate from Jeebus. 

And yes, before you ask, Huff was also chaplain of the Georgia Militia, for extra scary self-loathing, gun-wielding, secret tranny-loving Jesus freaks-and-their-tears-of-rage bonus points. [TPM/Scribd via Wonkette operative "Ray S."]

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293 comments

  1. Barb

    Remote-controlled dildos? No wonder why Americans are obese. if you can't walk across your mom's basement to fetch your rubber dork then you are just a lazy wanker.

          1. HateMachine

            This is why you should get the IT boys to teach you how to remotely access your home computer from work. It's what they all do when they get NSFW links (or links to blocked sites) at work.

        1. HateMachine

          For reference for anyone afraid to click on the link, it's a half-cylinder that sits on the floor/bed, and has what is usually a little nub but in this case is more like a doorknob (attachments are modular). When activated, the nub/knob/whatever will vibrate at varying frequencies.

          I'm sure you kids at work can figure out what to do with this.

        2. Terry

          As soon as you do, your boss will just happen to walk in and see the screen, while alarms will go off in the IT department.

          1. Dashboard_Jesus

            now THAT is a fucking awesome WIN! (now how do I make sure my IT dept isn't tracking my Wonkette/ porn surfing?)

    1. Limeylizzie

      I had the exact same thought, then I though of what a fun game that would be, you hand over control of the remote to your beloved /a friend// the dog and let the fun begin.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Yes, I should think so, I was quite lost in a reverie thinking of that, I would want one with a long-range remote, I was imaging just walking down the street and then…all of a sudden…

          1. Generation[redacted]

            I dunno. Imagine his embarrassment when he finds the remote in the basement where he lives, pushes a button, and his mom screams from upstairs.

          2. HateMachine

            That's a couple tiers of mortification above finding your parents' stash of condoms or your dad's old nudie mags, yes.

    2. OccupytheDashboard

      What if it's a Predator Dildo? Of course, one would probably need to walk to the closet where the Osama Bin Laden merkin is kept.

    3. GortRay

      "The stockings were filled with bourbon and beer, and a big rubber dick for the family queer" (from "The Night Before Christmas": alternate Georgia version)

      1. HateMachine

        The purpose of the orange is to distinguish non-targets (hunters) from targets (every other living thing) while sitting in a tree a couple miles outside of Bumblefuck, GA.

        During tranny hunting season in the Georgian backwoods, no such distinction is necessary.

    1. Occupy V572

      Did you mean noted SF Examiner columnist Herb Caen, or "pizza executive" and faux presidential candidate Herman Cain?

    1. GOPCrusher

      I know. It gives me hours of laughter to see these real Mericuns toting around a Commie weapon like an AK-47.
      Get a Colt AR-15, pussy.

  2. elviouslyqueer

    *clicks on TPM link*

    HOLY SHIT. And yet, somehow, the pink dildo seems screamingly… erm… fitting.

  3. prommie

    Remote-control dildo? Whats with that? Does that mean he can't reach back there to operate it manually? Fucking dude is too lazy to fuck himself, if that don't beat all, to quote Major Kong.

    1. Steverino247

      Shoot! A feller could have a pretty good time in Dallas (the original word, covered by "Vegas" after the JFK shooting) with all that!

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Remote control dildo, an impact wrench, four condoms, and a tube of KY gel. I'm sorry, I can't quite wrap my brain around what that shopping list is for.

  4. SorosBot

    Everyone needs to look at the picture of this guy at TPM and CBS – classic redneck teabaggers; he's got a long scraggly grey goatee and a pickup truck with "DON'T TREAD ON ME" with the image of a snarling snake on the side.

    1. dizzeeboy

      Worse, google "tranny hunter," first hit, and meet his twin bruh.

      (. . . ahem . . . props to a TPM commenter)

  5. baconzgood

    How the fuck does a dildo have a remote? And before ANY of you send me a link DON'T. I'd rather not know!

    1. Not_So_Much

      A real patriot would be a job-creator and hire a RentBoy for this type of work instead of a Chinese(?) battery.

  6. Crank_Tango

    The best part about this is that absolutely none of it is surprising. Not the stupid, violent plan, not the guns, not the ammo, not even the tranny porn and the dildo.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I can't wait til for the militia court to prove that even in the face of overwhelming evidence, that the government planted those humiliating devices just to discredit their own.

      1. WunkRocker

        Surprising = wtf only a 5 yr sentence. Which means what? 2.8 yrs or HEAVEN in a Federal Pound you in the Ass prison?

    2. Allmighty_Manos

      Yeah, I just kind of assume anytime a violent Tea Party freak or religious nut gets busted they are sitting on a stash of weird – and potentially illegal – niche porn.

  7. x111e7thst

    Odd how a lot of the guys with subscriptions to Soldier of Fortune also have a subscription to Chicks with Dicks.

      1. MissusBarry

        Oh, I always thought big guns fell in the overcompensating camp. But, it appears that this guy prefers catching, anyway.

        1. Occupy V572

          Thanks! I get tired of looking each avatar after a while so try to keep them current. This one almost makes me feel as if I’m doing something to help, besides sending supportive thoughts.

  8. GorzoTheMighty

    You can't make this shit up. Reality is always stranger than fiction.The stories just write themselves Cocktober and Jesusween. a winning combo.

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Pink dildos with remotes are way over rated – when my neighbor opens his garage door my nightstand starts vibrating. Such a waste of batteries.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hmm … how often does your neighbor watch in confusion, as his garage door goes up and down for no apparent reason?

  10. jus_wonderin

    A remote, really? I mean, really? I guess you always have to make sure you are stocked up with batteries at Huff's house.

  11. chicken_thief

    A chaplain, huh? So Huff is a "man of the cloth". Good cloth, no doubt, with decent thread count in some nice pastels to match that pink dildo.

  12. RadioOcupados

    In the Battle of Backdoor Sharia what better weapons than an AK-47 and a remote controlled dildo?

  13. James Michael Curley

    "The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung."

    That explains the whole invasion of the Courthouse plan.

  14. chicken_thief

    On an entirely different note, you gotta love the sense of humor of the cops who listed, in such delicious detail, the items being returned to Huff (and Puff on cock). Big thumbs to the clerk!

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Little mix-up there; actually, it was a Makita impact dildo with remote. Get your freak on, girl.

  16. CapnFatback

    God, I remember my first tranny hunt, coming (and coming!) back to the truck with pa and the boys, our shirts smudged with mascara and our pink dildos slung over our shoulders. We drove home with the freshly-killed trannies strapped to the hood, their wigs flapping in the breeze and their falsies akimbo. We sang songs about automatic weaponry and the naturalization process for U.S. citizenry. Later that night, "Uncle" Rick sodomized me behind the porn shed.

    *sniff*

    Those were the salad days, y'know?

    1. ThundercatHo

      This would make a great Lifetime movie. Of course banjos for the soundtrack and maybe they could cast Justin Beiber as your character. My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old.

      1. jus_wonderin

        "My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old."

        Well, CGI has advanced to the that we can make him look younger…again.

  17. philpjfry

    Maybe he thought it was trainee hunters and he was looking for recruits and the dildo was a signing bonus

    1. jus_wonderin

      We could give him the benefit of the doubt that he needed a transmission for his hate mobile and "Tranny Hunter" is a trade mag similar to "Auto Parts and Stuff".

      Aw hell, he deserves no benefit of the doubt.

    2. JustPixelz

      If you do it right, the trannies will do the hunting. Though you can lure them to your closet with a GOP membership card, or "Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" bumper sticker.

    1. OccupytheDashboard

      Sweet Jesus…were the two of them playing with Ouija board and Lizzie Borden took control of Mrs. Newt's soul?

      (I kid…Mrs. Newt doesn't have a soul. Lizzie must have taken over the Combat Information Center)

    2. Ducksworthy

      Eww. No wonder Gnut had to buy her the diamonds. She has a smile that's eerily reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining

    3. MissusBarry

      Christ on a bike. Thanks for the impending nightmares, Baldar. Admittedly, I should have known better than to click…personal responsibility, blah, blah.

    4. GregComlish

      No, Newt's face is way creepier. Calista just looks like a homicidal freak. Newt looks like he's blowing his load.

    5. Chichikovovich

      Sweet tears of baby Jesus – you don't usually see people holding a giant axe with their eyes conveying an orgasmic sense of discovery: "Ahhhh! At last I sense my destiny!". Sort of like the look you see in Jack Nicholson's eyes in the Shining when he knocks back his first drink after "five miserable months on the wagon."

      I dare say we haven't had the last of giant-chopping-tool related stories relating to wife III.

  18. Lazy Media

    The Georgia Militia are just the most awesome ball of fail ever. They got busted in 1996, before the Olympics, for stockpiling pipe bombs. They claimed they needed them for self defense, and they got off on a lesser charge because it turned out that was actually why they had made them.

    I'm in the Navy Reserve, and if I ever run into an Oathkeeper who's still in the military, I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts.

  19. comrad_darkness

    I live a sedate life, someone help me out here . . . why does one need a remote control on a dildo?

    1. JustPixelz

      It's used to remove non-white presidents from office. You put the RCD in the middle of the road. The target POTUS runs up and stops abruptly with a vibrato sound. At that moment, the dildo is activated by remote control though inevitably nothing happens. The POTUS runs away, explaining "beep, beep". The wily RCD operator then tries to figure out what went wrong by shaking, jumping and — eventually — inserting the RCD. At that point it starts working vigorously. "Uh oh … oh …. oh …. OH MY GOD!" he cries out, using traditional sign-on-a-stick technique.

      That's my understanding, not that I would actually know from first hand experience.

    2. comrad_darkness

      I see that everyone else on here also leads a sedate life, despite previous impressions to the contrary.

    3. smoothmineral

      Sadly, I am in the same boat as you, and my only information on what "straight" men do with sex toys comes from the legal documents concerning the sexual harassment lawsuit one of Bill O'Reilly's employees brought against him.

      That being said, my guess would be that the remote control would allow him to change the vibration settings on the dildo while it's inserted.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        That was my guess… the ladies have easier access to the device in situ.
        I wondered more about his choice of color. I mean, I can understand his not getting the big black one … but pink?

  20. neiltheblaze

    Bank of America should give pink dildos out to new checking account customers. It's more personal than a toaster.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      It would be sort of a truth-in-advertising thing, considering that they're gonna fuck you eventually.

  21. JustPixelz

    Another uplifting story of a Real American® who wants to live the Sarah Palin™ lifestyle.

    But you left out the other items returned to Chaplain Huff: KY gel, condoms and … of course, a nut driver.

    Why can't I meet open-minded girls like Mr Huff?

  22. JustPixelz

    They also held his MasterCard. The ad writes itself:

    KY Gel : $5
    Condoms : $10
    Remote control dildo : $50
    Having your fetish published on wonkette : priceless

  23. Pragmatist2

    Good Lord!!!! You left off the "4 condoms" and the "KY lube" later on in the report. He's not just stupid, he's optimistic!

  24. Oblios_Cap

    The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung.

    It must have been an all-male jury.

  25. Generation[redacted]

    Does the dildo have an iCloud feature, where friends can log on and operate it from any web browser?

  26. TitsAkimbo

    I think the pink dildo is an offensive weapon, unlike the punishing dildo mallet, which is clearly defensive.

  27. OccupyFnChicken

    TENNESSEE TENNESSEE TENNESSEE

    God dammit, home state! You're getting way too much press on my beloved Wonkette. Everyone here is going to hate us eventually. If it ain't meth, it's racist email or mentally-challenged gubernatorial candidates.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      No no, Chicken. Crazed birther fuckhole is from Georgia. He only tried to blow shit up in Tennessee. We're safe for the time being, and… oh, wait.*

      *Link is SFW, you fraidy-cats!

      1. Schmannnity

        If we had real freedom in this country, you could cook your raccoon in a parking lot without having the government sticking its nose in your meth lab.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      I think Georgia and Tennessee are still trailing behind Florida, Texas, and Arizona for top awards is asshole behavior. But just for the sheer crazee, ya got 'em whooped.

  28. Neilist_Returns

    My name is Neilist, and I approve of this message.

    Neilist
    Campaign Manager
    Neilist For President Campaign
    "A Pink Remote Controlled Dildo In Every Hand, And A Colt Model 1911A1 In Every Ass!"

    . . . no, wait a minute . . . .

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash your pink dildo out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and flip the power switch until the batteries go "click".

  29. mayor_quimby

    I saw this truly awesome truck at a gun show about 2 months ago. I was so taken aback by it's patriotic glory I had to snap a photo because nobody would believe me. http://static.inky.ws/image/759/image.jpg
    Sure enough he was running some booth at the front selling shirts with those logos and pamphlets about some craziness.
    I wish I had known I was in the presence of greatness!

      1. mayor_quimby

        No, it's a giant Gadsen Don't Tread On Me flag, naturally.
        That's gotta kill the gas mileage with that shit flapping in the wind.

    1. glamourdammerung

      I never understood why Gadsen flags were supposed to be so intimidating. Maybe all the rattlesnakes I have killed with very little effort puts me in the wrong demographic.

  30. fuflans

    (1) DVD containing pornographic…
    (1) pink dildo with…
    (1) makita impact wrench…
    (2) nut drives
    (4) condoms
    (1) bottle of KY…
    (1) MasterCard

    gives new meaning to the question 'what has it got in its pocketses?'

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I never gave it much thought, but they really weren't kidding:
      "For everything else, there's MasterCard."

  31. RedneckMuslin

    What? I can't believe this. This story is over an hour old and didn't see one Chaz Bono comment.

  32. El Pinche

    "To the last, I grapple with thee; With my pink dildo, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit Santorum at thee”

  33. fuflans

    In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand: “It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment. I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.'

    oh huff honey, you may want to save those tears. things just got a whole lot worse.

  34. DrBobNM

    definitely gives birthers a bad rap. where do you guys/gals/??? come up with this stuff? Very entertaining. Love the comments as well.

  35. teebob2000

    You people are being too dismissive of the guy.

    If you look at the full list, it includes an impact wrench, nut driver, condoms, KY jelly and a MasterCard. Why, a man could rule the WORLD with such things!!

  36. justkillmenow

    I keep picturing this guy getting mad over the description of the dildo as "pink" when he actually viewed it as "flesh colored." Because a pink dildo would make him look gay.

  37. Troglodeity

    Nothing unusual here. Dildos and tranny porn are standard issue for all Georgia Militia members.

  38. Nostrildamus

    I know what you're thinking, punk. Did he insert five AAs, or six? Considering this is a Mangun 45, the most powerful dildo in the world, powerful enough to take your head clean off, you need to be asking yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?

  39. Callyson

    In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand when he said: “my government has called me a potential domestic terrorist.”
    “It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment,” Huff also said. “I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.”
    Butch, get over yourself. At a time when real veterans can't get a job, decent people are losing their houses thanks to the shenanigans of the banks, and our future looks bleaker every day, unemployment should be the least of your problems.
    Jerk.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      If a commando raid on a county courthouse is an acceptable way to "have a voice" someone needs to explain that to the Oakland Police Department.

  40. MrFizzy

    Does Tranny Hunter mean "I'm going out with a gun to hunt trannies", or "I am looking for a trannie to share a shower with"?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Craigslist ad: "Wanted, used 4-speed manual for 1993 Ford F-150."

      That's it, right? I mean, in rural Georgia, that's gotta be it, right?

  41. Polythene_Pam

    Maybe it's time for a great big freaky 'love-in' at one of these occupy events. Maybe if we help them all stop feeling all weird about orgasms & general feelings of sexiness – maybe they'll relax a little & stop trying to sublimate all their naughty urges by engaging in violence & douchebaggery.

  42. Dok-cupy Everything

    The comments at The Blaze are the usual melange of cognitive dissonance. Several want to write the guy letters of support, while others are gearing up to exercise their 2nd Amendment Solutions.

    In response to one brave soul who suggested that birthers stop beating a dead horse, this:

    And we have a right to kick the coon out, and kick you out too. Commie creep

    Oh, and they also think the filthy hippies of OWS should be shot.

  43. owhatever

    The Georgia Militia's emblem is an soaring eagle clutching a pink dildo in one claw and in the other, a copy of Nailin' Palin, the best movie ever made, except that it's about doing it to a woman. Rosebud.

  44. joobajooba

    "One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers."
    "I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine."

  45. succalina

    So, was he going to kill the employees, then cross dress them, then watch the video and have sexy time with the pink dildo, with KY to help him have sexy time with the rigamortized bodies?

    And WTF is a "nut driver"? Oh wait…..

  46. Antispandex

    I'm sorry, but if he really thinks he can make up for all of his bad acts with a dildo and a tranny-porn video, I say too little, too late!

  47. Indiepalin

    To put these events in perpective, it is not unusual for law enforcement to mix up the personal effects of a demented Davy Crockett wanna-be with those of the husband of a major presidential candidate.

  48. ttommyunger

    Plus, have you SEEN this asshat? He obviously hasn't seen his dick in twenty years and you KNOW he can't reach his own asshole. This fat fuck should be the Tea Party Poster Boy.

  49. Dok-cupy Everything

    Well, goddamn it. Thread is old news, and here it is 9:00 at night MDT, but I'm gonna say it anyway:

    Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

  50. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm sure the county coroners will love having every miscarriage in the state added to their to-do lists.

Comments are closed.