jesus people in the news

Violent Birther Gun Nut Also Massive Fan of Tranny Porn, Dildos

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Dildos help induce tears while praying?Freedom fighter Darren Huff is a half-wit Georgia Militia birther goon in the news lately for being convicted of plotting a commando assault on the Monroe County courthouse in Tennessee, his mission being to punish a few lowly municipal employees for the sin of refusing to try to remove President Obama from office. He brought with him the usual violent nutjob accountrements such as an AK-47, a Colt .45 and several hundred rounds of ammunition, but according to the FBI’s “Returned Property” document detailing the items that were given back to Huff after his arrest, he also apparently needed his trusty remote-controlled pink dildo and his DVD of “Tranny Hunter” to help him fulfill his crusader mandate from Jeebus. 

And yes, before you ask, Huff was also chaplain of the Georgia Militia, for extra scary self-loathing, gun-wielding, secret tranny-loving Jesus freaks-and-their-tears-of-rage bonus points. [TPM/Scribd via Wonkette operative “Ray S.”]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    What, no wetsuit?

    • Terry

      He did, however, have a wrench. Don't ask what that was for.

      • WunkRocker

        Duh, tightening his nuts. Trucknutz also.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Yes!

    It IS Cocktober!
    ~

    • HateMachine

      I had begun to wonder. Thank Dog that this patriot made such a noble sacrifice for us all.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Tranny hunter + pink dildo = Cocktober Surprise!

    • El Pinche

      God i love Cocktober.

    • http://wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

      Awesome, I submitted this through the tips. Cocktober!!!

  • Barb

    Remote-controlled dildos? No wonder why Americans are obese. if you can't walk across your mom's basement to fetch your rubber dork then you are just a lazy wanker.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Now Barb, you judge too harshly. Maybe they were referring to this.

      • Barb

        Oh God, where does one go to buy something like that? Bed Bath and Behind? Sex Toys R Us?

        • jus_wonderin

          Well, I have seen free rides offered on Craigs List. Seen. Not experienced.

        • OccupytheDashboard

          "Bed Bath and Behind?"

          Awww fuck! Coffee on my monitor AGAIN.

          • Barb

            Sorry, my bad!

          • RadioOcupados

            Santorum's favorite store.

        • Tundra Grifter

          Bed, Bath and Waaayyyyy Beyond.

      • James Michael Curley

        I am afraid to click on that link.

        • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

          it is NSFW, unless you work at GOP headquarters … anywhere.

        • MissusBarry

          I'm quite certain it would trigger my firing via the IT Big Brother brigade.

          • HateMachine

            This is why you should get the IT boys to teach you how to remotely access your home computer from work. It's what they all do when they get NSFW links (or links to blocked sites) at work.

        • HateMachine

          For reference for anyone afraid to click on the link, it's a half-cylinder that sits on the floor/bed, and has what is usually a little nub but in this case is more like a doorknob (attachments are modular). When activated, the nub/knob/whatever will vibrate at varying frequencies.

          I'm sure you kids at work can figure out what to do with this.

          • James Michael Curley

            Sounds like the time old Roy ran and jumped in the saddle but the horse moved.

          • HateMachine

            Exactly, only this time, the horse kept moving, and moving and moving and oh my god

          • jus_wonderin

            Trigger!!

          • OccupytheDashboard

            Let's stuff Trigger.

        • Terry

          As soon as you do, your boss will just happen to walk in and see the screen, while alarms will go off in the IT department.

          • James Michael Curley

            I am the IT department.

          • Terry

            You'll have to yell at yourself, then.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Oh crap! *hides*

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            now THAT is a fucking awesome WIN! (now how do I make sure my IT dept isn't tracking my Wonkette/ porn surfing?)

    • Limeylizzie

      I had the exact same thought, then I though of what a fun game that would be, you hand over control of the remote to your beloved /a friend// the dog and let the fun begin.

      • jus_wonderin

        LL, I think the dog would need the owner to swab some peanut butter on the buttons.

        • Barb

          Be back in a Jiff.

          • flamingpdog

            Peter Pans this idea.

      • HateMachine

        That is actually the general idea, rather than straight-up laziness.

        • Limeylizzie

          Yes, I should think so, I was quite lost in a reverie thinking of that, I would want one with a long-range remote, I was imaging just walking down the street and then…all of a sudden…

          • Generation[redacted]

            I dunno. Imagine his embarrassment when he finds the remote in the basement where he lives, pushes a button, and his mom screams from upstairs.

          • HateMachine

            That's a couple tiers of mortification above finding your parents' stash of condoms or your dad's old nudie mags, yes.

          • teebob2000

            You have NO idea.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      What if it's a Predator Dildo? Of course, one would probably need to walk to the closet where the Osama Bin Laden merkin is kept.

    • Ohforcripessake

      Ha Ha Ha! Thanks for the mental image of a dildo running across the basement floor! :-)

      • OccupytheDashboard

        hahahah…or the chestburster scene from Alien

    • GortRay

      "The stockings were filled with bourbon and beer, and a big rubber dick for the family queer" (from "The Night Before Christmas": alternate Georgia version)

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Breaking: PPP reports Huff 29%, Romney 25% in most recent poll.

    republicans support his platform, citing only negative as "color of dildo"

  • SorosBot

    But, as a white Christian, we can't call him a terrorist.

    • Barb

      He was carrying weapons of ass destruction. I say he's a terrorist.

      • SorosBot

        "Weapons of ass destruction" – you're on fire with this story.

      • bagofmice

        That post just can't be topped… Remotely.

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      I'm perfectly okay with just calling him an redneck asshole.

    • comrad_darkness

      You can, but only if you're willing to be called a treasonous bastard for it.

    • CommieLibunatic

      It doesn't matter what we call him since words are currently failing me.

    • Jukesgrrl

      May we call him "vice-presidential material"?

  • Schmannnity

    Georgia has a tranny hunting season,but the weapons are limited to pink dildos.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No blaze orange for safety?

      • HateMachine

        The purpose of the orange is to distinguish non-targets (hunters) from targets (every other living thing) while sitting in a tree a couple miles outside of Bumblefuck, GA.

        During tranny hunting season in the Georgian backwoods, no such distinction is necessary.

    • mayor_quimby

      I've found something new to do this fall!

    • LowProfileinGA

      No bag limit.

  • DaRooster

    This guy has to be messed up… he's from Dallas… the Georgia one.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Oh, that guy. When I saw the headline I thought you were talking about Ted Cat Scratch Fever.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Remote Control Dildo?

    "Squeal like a pig, boy" Indeed.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So the GA militia has movie nights?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    A fan of dildos, from Georgia…sounds like Herb Cain supporter.

    Ann Coulter Libel, also.

    • Occupy V572

      Did you mean noted SF Examiner columnist Herb Caen, or "pizza executive" and faux presidential candidate Herman Cain?

      • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

        All of 'em, Katie.

        You know what? You are right – I should give this meme up. it's just not picking up as quickly as I thought it would.

        • TitsAkimbo

          I still use it, too. Slips right off the tongue, it does.

    • bagofmice

      It's not Kristol libel?

  • WigFlipper

    Think that's a porno-parady of the Norwegian mockumentary Trollhunter?

  • arihaya

    AK-47 ???

    did he think he's Russian?

    Show your nationalizm, Moran !

    • GOPCrusher

      I know. It gives me hours of laughter to see these real Mericuns toting around a Commie weapon like an AK-47.
      Get a Colt AR-15, pussy.

  • Lucidamente1

    What will his sentence be?

    • DaRooster

      Heaven!

      • MissusBarry

        If only I had more upfists to give.

        • jus_wonderin

          Huff would wish for more upfist too, I bet.

    • CapnFatback

      A run-on, I hope.

      • jus_wonderin

        Well, his punctuation probably is dotted with colons.

    • arihaya

      "Bailiff, whack his peepee"

      • Jukesgrrl

        That deserves to be a meme on the order of "all of them, Katie." Let's see it again soon.

    • GOPCrusher

      Let he who does not enjoy tranny porn, cast the first dildo?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    What was he using for bait?

    • ThundercatHo

      Free samples of Clinique products

      • jus_wonderin

        A sprinkled trail of sequins?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Breitbart's phone number.

  • Toomush_Infer

    So, happiness really is a warm gun….

  • elviouslyqueer

    *clicks on TPM link*

    HOLY SHIT. And yet, somehow, the pink dildo seems screamingly… erm… fitting.

    • Not_So_Much

      Yeah, he's a Bear, right? Other than all that gun shit, he seems to fit the type.

  • littlebigdaddy

    You know what *other* violent right winger was a closeted ghey?

    • Crank_Tango

      Ernst Rohm?

    • philpjfry

      All of them?

      • teebob2000

        Win

        • littlebigdaddy

          Yes, all of them, Katie.

    • Not_So_Much

      Wayne LaPierre?

    • RadioOcupados

      Not Red Skelton?

    • GOPCrusher

      Charlton Heston?

  • prommie

    Remote-control dildo? Whats with that? Does that mean he can't reach back there to operate it manually? Fucking dude is too lazy to fuck himself, if that don't beat all, to quote Major Kong.

    • undeterredbyreality

      And don't forget "Yeeeehaaaaawww!!!"

    • Steverino247

      Shoot! A feller could have a pretty good time in Dallas (the original word, covered by "Vegas" after the JFK shooting) with all that!

  • DaRooster

    A nut driver! And an impact wrench… this guy is hard core…

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Two nut drivers! Kinky no?

      • Sparky_McGruff

        Remote control dildo, an impact wrench, four condoms, and a tube of KY gel. I'm sorry, I can't quite wrap my brain around what that shopping list is for.

        • Jukesgrrl

          An overnight in prison.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Hey, now it all makes sense: he expected to get caught.

  • SorosBot

    Everyone needs to look at the picture of this guy at TPM and CBS – classic redneck teabaggers; he's got a long scraggly grey goatee and a pickup truck with "DON'T TREAD ON ME" with the image of a snarling snake on the side.

    • dizzeeboy

      Worse, google "tranny hunter," first hit, and meet his twin bruh.

      (. . . ahem . . . props to a TPM commenter)

    • Not_So_Much

      Is it a snarling trouser snake? Heavens to Betsy!

      • SorosBot

        Somehow I suspect the back has TruckNutz too.

    • widestanceshakedown

      And the other side says, "Batries don't fail me now!"

    • GregComlish

      Wow. Honestly, I was not expecting a snake that large.

      • teebob2000

        That's what HE said. To his tranny blind date.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          Snakes can't make faces. But at least a patriotic one can snarl.

  • baconzgood

    How the fuck does a dildo have a remote? And before ANY of you send me a link DON'T. I'd rather not know!

    • Not_So_Much

      A real patriot would be a job-creator and hire a RentBoy for this type of work instead of a Chinese(?) battery.

      • SorosBot

        Well in this case it looks like he'd rather hire a RentLadyBoy.

  • Crank_Tango

    The best part about this is that absolutely none of it is surprising. Not the stupid, violent plan, not the guns, not the ammo, not even the tranny porn and the dildo.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      I can't wait til for the militia court to prove that even in the face of overwhelming evidence, that the government planted those humiliating devices just to discredit their own.

      • WunkRocker

        Surprising = wtf only a 5 yr sentence. Which means what? 2.8 yrs or HEAVEN in a Federal Pound you in the Ass prison?

    • Allmighty_Manos

      Yeah, I just kind of assume anytime a violent Tea Party freak or religious nut gets busted they are sitting on a stash of weird – and potentially illegal – niche porn.

  • x111e7thst

    Odd how a lot of the guys with subscriptions to Soldier of Fortune also have a subscription to Chicks with Dicks.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Not surprising as Soldier of Fortune is to War as Letters to Penthouse is to Sex.

    • Occupy V572

      Big gun = big dick = deliriously delightful buttßechs.

      • MissusBarry

        Oh, I always thought big guns fell in the overcompensating camp. But, it appears that this guy prefers catching, anyway.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        BTW, love your new name, V

        • Occupy V572

          Thanks! I get tired of looking each avatar after a while so try to keep them current. This one almost makes me feel as if I’m doing something to help, besides sending supportive thoughts.

  • GorzoTheMighty

    You can't make this shit up. Reality is always stranger than fiction.The stories just write themselves Cocktober and Jesusween. a winning combo.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    But Huff paid his taxes, unlike Cain and Capone.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Pink dildos with remotes are way over rated – when my neighbor opens his garage door my nightstand starts vibrating. Such a waste of batteries.

    • HateMachine

      So what you need instead of a remote-control dildo is the remote-control for the garage.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hmm … how often does your neighbor watch in confusion, as his garage door goes up and down for no apparent reason?

  • baconzgood

    "I still jerk-off manually"

    -The Dude-

  • jus_wonderin

    A remote, really? I mean, really? I guess you always have to make sure you are stocked up with batteries at Huff's house.

  • neiltheblaze

    The pink dildo goes so well with his Confederate Flag spooge rag.

  • chicken_thief

    A chaplain, huh? So Huff is a "man of the cloth". Good cloth, no doubt, with decent thread count in some nice pastels to match that pink dildo.

    • Negropolis

      Man of the cloth, eh? So, that's what they are calling the Klan, now…

  • GhostBuggy

    "Tranny Hunter"? Is that like "Bitch Hunter"? Because I love that show.

  • RadioOcupados

    In the Battle of Backdoor Sharia what better weapons than an AK-47 and a remote controlled dildo?

  • DaRooster

    Pink dildos really *pop* against a white robe.

  • James Michael Curley

    "The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung."

    That explains the whole invasion of the Courthouse plan.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      So, he didn't really need his dildo back, now did he?

    • Negropolis

      You know, my underpants jury is hung, too. Hung like a horse.

  • chicken_thief

    On an entirely different note, you gotta love the sense of humor of the cops who listed, in such delicious detail, the items being returned to Huff (and Puff on cock). Big thumbs to the clerk!

  • RadioOcupados

    He prefers to call them "Predator Bones."

  • jus_wonderin

    I am so proud of Karma today. Keep it up you cosmic comic force for good!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Little mix-up there; actually, it was a Makita impact dildo with remote. Get your freak on, girl.

    • Tundra Grifter

      She's so tough, she uses a Black & Decker vibrator.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hooked up to a 2.5-hp Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Black & Pecker

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Crack & Pecker.

          • WunkRocker

            John Deere diesel or go Homo.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        B&D is for pussies. DeWalt has the 18-volt model.

  • Guppy

    Obviously it was the porn that made him violent (thank you, Roberts court!).

  • baconzgood

    I didn't know that Pat Buchanan was remote controlled.

  • CapnFatback

    God, I remember my first tranny hunt, coming (and coming!) back to the truck with pa and the boys, our shirts smudged with mascara and our pink dildos slung over our shoulders. We drove home with the freshly-killed trannies strapped to the hood, their wigs flapping in the breeze and their falsies akimbo. We sang songs about automatic weaponry and the naturalization process for U.S. citizenry. Later that night, "Uncle" Rick sodomized me behind the porn shed.

    *sniff*

    Those were the salad days, y'know?

    • OkieDokieDog

      That is pant-wetting funny. Trust me.

      • CapnFatback

        That's EXACTLY what "Uncle" Rick said!

    • ThundercatHo

      This would make a great Lifetime movie. Of course banjos for the soundtrack and maybe they could cast Justin Beiber as your character. My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old.

      • jus_wonderin

        "My first thought was Brad Pitt but he's too old."

        Well, CGI has advanced to the that we can make him look younger…again.

    • Barrelhse

      All halcyon and santorum back then.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Salad-tossing days, if you please.

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Sounds like the Bizarro version of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder, was it a wired or wireless remote?

    • Crank_Tango

      bluetooth? there's a joke in there somewhere…

      • jus_wonderin

        Well, if it is like my wireless connection. It is up and down. Up and down.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Fucker's a Georgia redneck – "No-tooth" is the operative phrase

  • Zombie_Reagan

    First, Obama came for our dildos, and we said nothing….

  • philpjfry

    Maybe he thought it was trainee hunters and he was looking for recruits and the dildo was a signing bonus

  • proudgrampa

    "Tranny Hunter" ???

    What the fuck does that even MEAN???

    • jus_wonderin

      We could give him the benefit of the doubt that he needed a transmission for his hate mobile and "Tranny Hunter" is a trade mag similar to "Auto Parts and Stuff".

      Aw hell, he deserves no benefit of the doubt.

      • Crank_Tango

        Like that paper I thought said "actor pull"…

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      If you do it right, the trannies will do the hunting. Though you can lure them to your closet with a GOP membership card, or "Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" bumper sticker.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but I just came across the scariest photo ever of Newt's trinket twat.
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/gallery/2011/01/meet

    • OccupytheDashboard

      Sweet Jesus…were the two of them playing with Ouija board and Lizzie Borden took control of Mrs. Newt's soul?

      (I kid…Mrs. Newt doesn't have a soul. Lizzie must have taken over the Combat Information Center)

    • MonsterAGoGo

      Jesus she looks like a cross between LimeCat and a shark.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I would've said Martha Stewart after being given a Drano colonic.

    • Ducksworthy

      Eww. No wonder Gnut had to buy her the diamonds. She has a smile that's eerily reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining

      • SorosBot

        She looks even more like Jack Nicholson in Batman.

    • neiltheblaze

      Behold the power of botox and amphetamines.

    • MissusBarry

      Christ on a bike. Thanks for the impending nightmares, Baldar. Admittedly, I should have known better than to click…personal responsibility, blah, blah.

    • chicken_thief

      Needz moar Tiffany's baubles.

    • TitsAkimbo

      That's her Tiffany's O-face afterglow.

    • Barrelhse

      No, Baldar, I think that's the Count from Sesame St.
      I mean, what a schnozzola!

    • flamingpdog

      Even scarier when she gets horny.

      • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        Princess Sparkle Pony FTW!

    • GregComlish

      No, Newt's face is way creepier. Calista just looks like a homicidal freak. Newt looks like he's blowing his load.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Obvs you didn't click through to pic #18 in the gallery. Scarier still.

    • Chichikovovich

      Sweet tears of baby Jesus – you don't usually see people holding a giant axe with their eyes conveying an orgasmic sense of discovery: "Ahhhh! At last I sense my destiny!". Sort of like the look you see in Jack Nicholson's eyes in the Shining when he knocks back his first drink after "five miserable months on the wagon."

      I dare say we haven't had the last of giant-chopping-tool related stories relating to wife III.

    • comrad_darkness

      Newt has that satisfied look of someone who's just humped a giant ax.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      Newt must have more of a thing for the crazy ones than I apparently do.

    • Negropolis

      Bitch looks like a busted, bootleg geisha on crack.

  • __kth__

    I didn't see this one coming, though obviously there's no excuse not to have.

  • Lazy Media

    The Georgia Militia are just the most awesome ball of fail ever. They got busted in 1996, before the Olympics, for stockpiling pipe bombs. They claimed they needed them for self defense, and they got off on a lesser charge because it turned out that was actually why they had made them.

    I'm in the Navy Reserve, and if I ever run into an Oathkeeper who's still in the military, I'm gonna kick him square in the nuts.

  • comrad_darkness

    I live a sedate life, someone help me out here . . . why does one need a remote control on a dildo?

    • Pragmatist2

      I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to be the one sound stupid.

      • a_pink_poodle

        Now you have comrad_darkness to carry the stupid burden for you!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      It's used to remove non-white presidents from office. You put the RCD in the middle of the road. The target POTUS runs up and stops abruptly with a vibrato sound. At that moment, the dildo is activated by remote control though inevitably nothing happens. The POTUS runs away, explaining "beep, beep". The wily RCD operator then tries to figure out what went wrong by shaking, jumping and — eventually — inserting the RCD. At that point it starts working vigorously. "Uh oh … oh …. oh …. OH MY GOD!" he cries out, using traditional sign-on-a-stick technique.

      That's my understanding, not that I would actually know from first hand experience.

      • jus_wonderin

        This could only be better with an anvil or a cliff included.

      • Generation[redacted]

        If you read the fine print, it says, "Warning: Not effective on road runners."

    • comrad_darkness

      I see that everyone else on here also leads a sedate life, despite previous impressions to the contrary.

    • smoothmineral

      Sadly, I am in the same boat as you, and my only information on what "straight" men do with sex toys comes from the legal documents concerning the sexual harassment lawsuit one of Bill O'Reilly's employees brought against him.

      That being said, my guess would be that the remote control would allow him to change the vibration settings on the dildo while it's inserted.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That was my guess… the ladies have easier access to the device in situ.
        I wondered more about his choice of color. I mean, I can understand his not getting the big black one … but pink?

  • neiltheblaze

    Bank of America should give pink dildos out to new checking account customers. It's more personal than a toaster.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Good idea … anybody opening a new checking account with Bank of America IS a dildo.

    • Negropolis

      Obviously, you don't know what these men do with toasters, then….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It would be sort of a truth-in-advertising thing, considering that they're gonna fuck you eventually.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Another uplifting story of a Real American® who wants to live the Sarah Palin™ lifestyle.

    But you left out the other items returned to Chaplain Huff: KY gel, condoms and … of course, a nut driver.

    Why can't I meet open-minded girls like Mr Huff?

  • RadioOcupados

    Jobs' last creation: the iDildo — this time bigger is better.

  • BornInATrailer

    When told last night the jury was hung, Huff asked if he could look under the jury's skirt.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    They also held his MasterCard. The ad writes itself:

    KY Gel : $5
    Condoms : $10
    Remote control dildo : $50
    Having your fetish published on wonkette : priceless

  • ChrisM2011

    Dildo with remote? Now that's just being lazy.

  • Beowoof

    Just trying to get into prison where he can be a hot prison tranny bitch. Or a chick with a dick.

  • proudgrampa

    If he had a dildo and porn, what was he going to do with the Makita impact wrench, ferchrissake?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dildo plus Makita is a promising combo. I'm guessing he found plans on the internet.

  • Pragmatist2

    Good Lord!!!! You left off the "4 condoms" and the "KY lube" later on in the report. He's not just stupid, he's optimistic!

  • Oblios_Cap

    The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung.

    It must have been an all-male jury.

  • prommie

    Do you need a concealed-carry permit for those dildos, or is Georgia an "open-carry" state?

  • Generation[redacted]

    Does the dildo have an iCloud feature, where friends can log on and operate it from any web browser?

    • jus_wonderin

      Can one hate-f__k in the cloud?

  • Chichikovovich

    Tranuary is arriving early this year!

    • elviouslyqueer

      "Tranuary" *wild applause*

      • jus_wonderin

        I agree. I did the coffee vs. monitor thing.

  • TitsAkimbo

    I think the pink dildo is an offensive weapon, unlike the punishing dildo mallet, which is clearly defensive.

  • El Pinche

    GIVE ME THAT PINK DILDO YOU WARTHOG FROM HELL!!

  • Generation[redacted]

    CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DILDOS OF WAR

  • hagajim

    Did he use the Makita impact wrench to screw in the dildo?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    What was he gonna do, detonate the dildo by remote control, and put the gun up his ass?

    • YasserArraFeck

      The roadside IAD (Intra-Anal Device)

  • WhatTheHeck

    Reading through all yourr comments has left me exhausted.
    Think I'll have a cigarette, now.

  • OccupyFnChicken

    TENNESSEE TENNESSEE TENNESSEE

    God dammit, home state! You're getting way too much press on my beloved Wonkette. Everyone here is going to hate us eventually. If it ain't meth, it's racist email or mentally-challenged gubernatorial candidates.

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no, Chicken. Crazed birther fuckhole is from Georgia. He only tried to blow shit up in Tennessee. We're safe for the time being, and… oh, wait.*

      *Link is SFW, you fraidy-cats!

      • Generation[redacted]

        That's because Tennessee went all sharia on us.

      • Schmannnity

        If we had real freedom in this country, you could cook your raccoon in a parking lot without having the government sticking its nose in your meth lab.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I think Georgia and Tennessee are still trailing behind Florida, Texas, and Arizona for top awards is asshole behavior. But just for the sheer crazee, ya got 'em whooped.

  • teebob2000

    Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I got nothin else.

  • Neilist_Returns

    My name is Neilist, and I approve of this message.

    Neilist
    Campaign Manager
    Neilist For President Campaign
    "A Pink Remote Controlled Dildo In Every Hand, And A Colt Model 1911A1 In Every Ass!"

    . . . no, wait a minute . . . .

    • WhatTheHeck

      What gauge is that dido anyway?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any your crazy shit with us, you flash your pink dildo out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and flip the power switch until the batteries go "click".

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    And guilty of bad taste. Tranny Hunter from #17 thereon (when they got a new director) are the only ones worth watching in the series.

    • jus_wonderin

      I do hope when it goes HD they remaster the special FX too.

  • mayor_quimby

    I saw this truly awesome truck at a gun show about 2 months ago. I was so taken aback by it's patriotic glory I had to snap a photo because nobody would believe me. http://static.inky.ws/image/759/image.jpg
    Sure enough he was running some booth at the front selling shirts with those logos and pamphlets about some craziness.
    I wish I had known I was in the presence of greatness!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, it's a step up from plastering the fucking thing with hate-Obama-stickers.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Is that a giant banana in the bed?

      • elviouslyqueer

        That's one of his two nut drivers.

      • mayor_quimby

        No, it's a giant Gadsen Don't Tread On Me flag, naturally.
        That's gotta kill the gas mileage with that shit flapping in the wind.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      I never understood why Gadsen flags were supposed to be so intimidating. Maybe all the rattlesnakes I have killed with very little effort puts me in the wrong demographic.

  • HarryButtle

    You can have my pink remote-controlled dildo when you pry it from my cold, dead…sphincter?

  • fuflans

    well. this should make his prison term more interesting.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Now there's a good shot of the old time stuff! Nothing says "terrorism" like a pink, remote controlled dildo!

  • fuflans

    (1) DVD containing pornographic…
    (1) pink dildo with…
    (1) makita impact wrench…
    (2) nut drives
    (4) condoms
    (1) bottle of KY…
    (1) MasterCard

    gives new meaning to the question 'what has it got in its pocketses?'

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I never gave it much thought, but they really weren't kidding:
      "For everything else, there's MasterCard."

  • RedneckMuslin

    What? I can't believe this. This story is over an hour old and didn't see one Chaz Bono comment.

  • El Pinche

    "To the last, I grapple with thee; With my pink dildo, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit Santorum at thee”

    • jus_wonderin

      TRANN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • OccupytheDashboard

      I can't speak for anyone else, but you have won the day for me.

      • jus_wonderin

        8130.4?

  • fuflans

    In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand: “It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment. I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.'

    oh huff honey, you may want to save those tears. things just got a whole lot worse.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Now that I think of it,
    Headline and story could have been:
    Man from DALLAS, GEORGIA….

    Anybody seeing that knows that something pretty fucked up just happened.

  • OccupytheDashboard

    How would have Steve Irwin died in Tranny Hunter?

  • DrBobNM

    definitely gives birthers a bad rap. where do you guys/gals/??? come up with this stuff? Very entertaining. Love the comments as well.

  • teebob2000

    You people are being too dismissive of the guy.

    If you look at the full list, it includes an impact wrench, nut driver, condoms, KY jelly and a MasterCard. Why, a man could rule the WORLD with such things!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Or have a nice weekend in Vegas."

    • Jukesgrrl

      Putin might agree with you.

  • not that Dewey
  • GregComlish

    Does anybody know on Blingee where I can find the RC pink dildos and Tranny porn???

  • lulzmonger

    When pink remote-controlled dildos are outlawed, only outlaws will have pink remote-controlled dildos.

    This goes here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUqmMuqGo3o

  • justkillmenow

    I keep picturing this guy getting mad over the description of the dildo as "pink" when he actually viewed it as "flesh colored." Because a pink dildo would make him look gay.

  • Troglodeity

    Nothing unusual here. Dildos and tranny porn are standard issue for all Georgia Militia members.

  • Nostrildamus

    I know what you're thinking, punk. Did he insert five AAs, or six? Considering this is a Mangun 45, the most powerful dildo in the world, powerful enough to take your head clean off, you need to be asking yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?

  • Callyson

    In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand when he said: “my government has called me a potential domestic terrorist.”
    “It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment,” Huff also said. “I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.”
    Butch, get over yourself. At a time when real veterans can't get a job, decent people are losing their houses thanks to the shenanigans of the banks, and our future looks bleaker every day, unemployment should be the least of your problems.
    Jerk.

    • Jukesgrrl

      If a commando raid on a county courthouse is an acceptable way to "have a voice" someone needs to explain that to the Oakland Police Department.

  • MrFizzy

    Does Tranny Hunter mean "I'm going out with a gun to hunt trannies", or "I am looking for a trannie to share a shower with"?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Craigslist ad: "Wanted, used 4-speed manual for 1993 Ford F-150."

      That's it, right? I mean, in rural Georgia, that's gotta be it, right?

  • Polythene_Pam

    Maybe it's time for a great big freaky 'love-in' at one of these occupy events. Maybe if we help them all stop feeling all weird about orgasms & general feelings of sexiness – maybe they'll relax a little & stop trying to sublimate all their naughty urges by engaging in violence & douchebaggery.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    The comments at The Blaze are the usual melange of cognitive dissonance. Several want to write the guy letters of support, while others are gearing up to exercise their 2nd Amendment Solutions.

    In response to one brave soul who suggested that birthers stop beating a dead horse, this:

    And we have a right to kick the coon out, and kick you out too. Commie creep

    Oh, and they also think the filthy hippies of OWS should be shot.

  • owhatever

    The Georgia Militia's emblem is an soaring eagle clutching a pink dildo in one claw and in the other, a copy of Nailin' Palin, the best movie ever made, except that it's about doing it to a woman. Rosebud.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    This reminds me of that terrist group back in the 70's….the Sybian Liberation Army.

  • joobajooba

    "One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers."
    "I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine."

  • Trannysurprise

    Thank God someone bought that video. Mamma needs her royalty check.

  • prommie

    But who is going to feed the gimp while Huff is in stir?

  • pdiddycornchips

    Second Amendment remedies and pink dildos is the name of the Dixie Chicks first album.

  • succalina

    So, was he going to kill the employees, then cross dress them, then watch the video and have sexy time with the pink dildo, with KY to help him have sexy time with the rigamortized bodies?

    And WTF is a "nut driver"? Oh wait…..

  • Antispandex

    I'm sorry, but if he really thinks he can make up for all of his bad acts with a dildo and a tranny-porn video, I say too little, too late!

  • crybabyboehner

    The remote is a nice touch.

  • GregComlish

    Don't Tread on Me With Your Enormous Pink Dildo

    • Generation[redacted]

      needz moar duck costume

  • Indiepalin

    To put these events in perpective, it is not unusual for law enforcement to mix up the personal effects of a demented Davy Crockett wanna-be with those of the husband of a major presidential candidate.

  • ttommyunger

    Plus, have you SEEN this asshat? He obviously hasn't seen his dick in twenty years and you KNOW he can't reach his own asshole. This fat fuck should be the Tea Party Poster Boy.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Well, goddamn it. Thread is old news, and here it is 9:00 at night MDT, but I'm gonna say it anyway:

    Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

  • El Pinche

    Then I just committed man slaughter into my gym sock.

  • comrad_darkness

    Smaller government for the win.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm sure the county coroners will love having every miscarriage in the state added to their to-do lists.

  • not that Dewey

    A gearhead friend of mine was driving home from Colorado when his car broke down, and I got a furious message: "I BLEW A TRANNY IN RATON!". Now, Raton, NM is about 20 miles from Trinidad, CO, the "Sex-Change Operation Capitol of the World". I advised him to revise his gearhead slang.