dept. of unlikely solutions

Immigrants Doomed To Seek Refuge In Horrible Dayton, Ohio

onward, to dayton!Immigrants in this country are facing a whole list of problems these days, one of those problems being, of course, the insane people and laws that seek to force them out of their homes. Luckily, the timing on this is perfect, because just as much as immigrants need new, non-threatening places to live, America’s Worst Cities need inhabitants! At least one city has realized this connection: In what is obviously nothing more than an act of defeat and complete desperation, the city of Dayton is now actively recruiting illegal immigrants to live and work within its borders. This is the Circle of Life at work, friends.

Dayton, Ohio, a city with 11% unemployment and a population that is down 15% from 2000, has decided to make a final attempt at survival by asking all of the rejected immigrants from elsewhere in the country to please consider living in Dayton, maybe also spending some money now and then, but really whatever works for you is fine because no one lives here anymore.

Dayton, Ohio officials adopted the “Welcome to Dayton” plan on Oct. 5 to encourage immigrants to settle in their city. They see the potential influx of new residents as a way to boost the city’s economy, while states like Alabama and Georgia that have extreme anti-immigrant laws are seeing their economies suffer.

Before the Dayton city commission unanimously approved the plan, Mayor Gary Leitzell, whom the local Republican party endorsed in 2009, said immigrants bring “new ideas, new perspectives and new talent to our workforce. … To reverse the decades-long trend of economic decline in this city, we need to think globally.”

This is all acceptable, because no one is recruiting immigrants from outside the country – just the internally displaced ones. Internally displaced Americans are all the rage these days, and Dayton, Ohio is for once excited to be at the forefront of a cool trend, instead of the forefront of terrible places headed for disaster. [ThinkProgress]

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  1. finallyhappy

    that would bring Dayton a group of people who are motivated to work and who love America- as opposed to the current crop of GOP presidential candidates

    1. memzilla

      Disagree. They were already selling bicycles to get the f*** out of Dayton. They invented the airplane to get the f*** out of Dayton faster.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Great. Now I'm not going to be able to leave the airport there without some little urchin offering to sell me chiclets and shine my damn shoes.

    1. LiveToServeYa

      Just say, 'Pardon me, boy, is this the Hertz rental car exit?' then dance your way out the front.

      1. Preferred Customer

        Ironically, the Commodore Perry service station is east of Dayton, if my Ohio geography is correct.

  3. Come here a minute

    This is good news for the lawns of Dayton's 1%, unless for pete's sake they're running for office.

    1. chicken_thief

      Who cares if unemployment balloons to 20%, all the road signs are converted to Spanish, and Sharia Law is implemented as long as the lawns look great? "Curb appeal!!!" has replaced "USA! USA! USA!!" as the rallying cry.

  4. Fawkdifiknow

    I smell a rat! This is a plot to lure all the undocumenteds to one place, to make it easier to round them all up and deport them. Don't fall for it!

    1. WunkRocker

      Nope. This is Kasich's back door plan to defeat repeal of SB5. Those browns won't go Union, ya know.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I hear some nice low-rent accommodations have opened up at what was formerly the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville.

  5. paris biltong

    Big mistake. Don't they know that America was much better of before all of this immigration started almost 400 years ago?

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I forwarded the Think Progress link to the folks I work with up there at Wright Patterson AFB in Dayton, subject line "Stop stealing our Mexicans." Just got off the phone with one of them, he said "Great, now we're gonna have even more Mexican restaurants!" to which I replied "Well maybe you'll finally get one that's worth a damn."

    1. memzilla

      Turning the most beautiful bomber in the world, the XB-70 (Wright Patterson has the only one remaining), into an upscale Mexican restaurant — genius! What could possibly go wrong?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        The guy I mentioned above works in the same building that the AF Museum Annex (experimental planes and retired Air Force Ones on display) is located, so I get to go look at the Valkyrie every time I visit. I'm hoping they get the XC-99 restored and on display before I retire/die.

    2. WunkRocker

      perhaps some @#$% chile rellenos that aren't just a blob of tasteless cheese and a strip of green pepper at the bottom. Damn that pisses me off. I go home every time and fire 3 of my messican rentboys when that happens.

    3. MrFizzy

      Not likely – there seems to be some unwritten rule that the farther away from Mexico you are, the worse the Mexican food gets. IMO not true of many other cuisines, but many examples of this, and it's odd b/c the ingredients for the basic food are pretty simple. Back to the snark now.

      1. SorosBot

        Nah, there's just more good Mexican food available near Mexico; anywhere there's Mexican immigrants has good, authentic Mexican cuisine though. My neighborhood, far from Mexico in Philadelphia, has some excellent taqerias; but other areas of the city pretty much just have Taco Bell.

        1. SoBeach

          "…anywhere there's Mexican immigrants has good, authentic Mexican cuisine…"

          Absolutely. Some of the best I've had was in Raleigh, NC.

          Worst was Provo, UT. But that was my fault. I stayed and ate even after I realized that everyone who worked there — including the cook — had blonde hair and blue eyes.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Ha! I had "beef enchiladas" in Giddings TX once, ground beef with tomato sauce and they gave you a bottle of tabasco sauce.

          2. SoBeach

            My cheese enchilada in Provo was a 1 lb block of velveeta wrapped in a corn tortilla, warmed up for 15 seconds in the microwave, and covered with canned diced tomatoes. I'm not even exaggerating a LITTLE. The velveeta was still in the shape of a brick.

      2. Chichikovovich

        "the farther away from Mexico you are, the worse the Mexican food gets. IMO not true of many other cuisines"

        Canadian food too. The poutine in Beijing is almost inedible. And don't get me started on the butter tarts.

    4. Tundra Grifter


      The base is in Fairborn – not Dayton. They call the treaty the "Dayton Accords" but it was negotiated in Fairborn.

      A city, by the way, 100% white until an Air Force officer (of which Wright Pat had a great many) was told he and his family couldn't purchase a home there. The good people that ran the Base had a come-to-Jesus meeting with the city fathers – and the problem was taken care of.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yah yah yah, I know it's in Fairborn, but I figure that even less folks here have heard of Fairborn than Dayton!
        I wonder if the Fairborners made the Chinese folks that run the Flying Tiger restaurant there live over on the west side of Dayton…

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    This is really good news for me. Now when I go on TDY up there, it will be just like being home here in San Antonio, except for shittier weather. And as stated above, maybe I'll finally be able to find a decent breakfast taco.

    1. Terry

      Dayton doesn't get those dirt drizzles* so they beat San Antonio in that respect.

      * – Dry, dust laden air from across the western arid regions hits the humid air coming from the coast and the dust clumps and falls. That was one of the wee surprises I found upon moving to Texas. You walk out in the morning and your car, which was clean the night before, is covered in heavy orangey yellow crud.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Guess you're just lucky, Terry, that's only happened a couple times here in the 35 years I've been here. About the same number of times it has snowed here over the same period.

        1. Terry

          I was in the Houston/Galveston/College Stagnation area. It was like the angels were taking the occasional crap on us.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Well there you go. the mud rain rarely falls until you get east of the 97W meridian. Or regular rain either.

      2. James Michael Curley

        You should see what it looks like when the milk weed releases their air borne seeds. The car looks all grey and fuzzy in the morning.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        I had a miga once. Great graphics, and I didn't know they made them in Mexico.

        Oh, I thought you said Amiga.

  8. Mahousu

    Fine, invite the barbarians in, but leave the Vandals out, ok? We don't want to be reading about the "Sack of Dayton" next year.

    Especially since it would be like the Ostrogoths' final sack of Rome, which netted them pretty much nothing, since everything of value had long since been stripped.

    1. WunkRocker

      And since trucknutz are probably illegal in Kasich's OH, the SACK of Dayton would be hidden under a basket or something.

    2. Terry

      The Vandals are being invited to move to Toledo. This should make the State football championships very interesting.

    3. Numbat_Dundee

      The Ostrogths and Vandals never actually sacked Rome. They just took it over because they sort of wanted to live there and have the central heating and the deep fired doormouse fetuses and the rest. What the Mexicans might want in Dayton is more problematic.

  9. Monsieur_Grumpe

    One week in Dayton and they'll be jumping the fence back to Mexico. Hey! Maybe this is why the Republicans are so eager to drive the economy into the world’s dumpster. If our whole country is turned into the equivalent of Dayton Ohio who would want to immigrate here?

    1. Terry

      Hopefully, they'll have a positive influence on the food in Ohio before they leave. Currently, the height of Ohio cuisine is Wonder Bread covered in Miracle Whip.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        My first visit to Dayton (I go up once a quarter), I went into an local bar and asked the barmaid, "What's a local brew you can serve me?" She says "Whatchoo mean?" and I say, "Well, you go to Wisconsin, you get a Leinenkugel; Pennsylvania, Rolling Rock; Boston, Sam Adams; Texas, Shiner. What's the local beer here?" She gives me a quizzical look and says "We got Bud Light and Miller Lite longnecks for a buck-75."
        "Gimme a Bacardi and Diet."

        1. MissusBarry

          Epic fail. Although, quite at the other end of the state, Great Lakes Brewing Company puts out some quite delicious quaffs. There are very, very few things I miss from my time in Ohio, but access to their Christmas Ale is high on the list…the tapped the first keg yesterday. It'll be gone long before Christmas, but I have one good friend there and she'll stash a sixer for me.

        2. Terry

          In Penna, you should be drinking Yeungling. Up in the coal towns, they're big on Genny Cream Ale for some ungodly reason. It tasks like carbonated water with a slight aftertaste.

          1. Beowoof

            Ah the green death as it was known at Flanigan's near the University of Dayton. On Thursday nights you could get a "pounder" of Genny Cream or Blatz for $.75. Nice way for a law student to spend Thursday nigth but made Friday monring tax class fairly difficult.

          2. Terry

            At the Slovak Club in a teeny PA coal town none of you has ever heard of, you can buy a frosty mug of Genny Cream Ale for $0.50 or $0.75, depending if it's Happy Hour. The fancy brands, like Bud of Yeungling, will cost you a buck or slightly more.

      2. James Michael Curley

        I can give you a couple polish places in Parma where a plate of golabki, pierogi and kielbasa will curl your toes. Since he will be out of a job soon, your waiter will be Dennis Kucinitch.

    2. paris biltong

      Not so sure about the likelihood of their going back home. I just returned from Finland, where Somalis form the largest group of immigrants (most came from the Soviet Union when it was collapsing). They seem to acclimate themselves – although, to be fair, except for the weather, it's a lot nicer there than in Dayton or most of Ohio.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    Won't the English-speaking immigrants have trouble understanding the Daytonese-speaking natives?

    1. Negropolis

      The Daytonians — to this Michigan ear — just sound like a lot more nasally Southerners. Hell, anything south of Toledo sounds like the Deep South to those of us up here.

  11. OurHoboSenator

    I like this. With a rotating cast of minimum-wage browns as his band, Robert Pollard will be able to put out an album a day now, instead of a paltry one per week!

  12. x111e7thst

    Don't call me gringo,
    You fuckin beaner
    stay on your side
    of that goddamn river
    don't call me gringo,
    You beaner.

        1. Guppy

          Yeah, but "get the fuck back to Kentucky" sounds like it would be a more popular thing to say around those parts.

          1. JumpySnark

            Actually, I think the phrase is "You and your fuckin' uncle-brothers better get the fuck back to Kentucky." And if you're in Western Pennsylvania, just substitute "West Virginia" for "Kentucky."

  13. hollywooddood

    So the job stealing immigrants are invited to Dayton to steal the crop-picking jobs from the white, unemployed residents? It just doesn't seem fair.

  14. MissusBarry

    Only thing I have to say about Dayton is that I adopted my beloved Great Dane from a rescue there. So, that's one good thing. Other than that, an influx of displaced latinos should do the place some good.

    1. ugodOH

      Come on, as an impartial C-bus resident originally from out of state, I can say Cleveland definitely beats Dayton. Now, Akron on the other hand (or Cincinnati) . . . .

    2. Negropolis

      It certainly isn't. For one thing, Cleveland isn't Little Appalachia, thank god. Cincy-Dayton are basically North Kentucky as far as I'm concerned with some manufacturing mixed in.

  15. baconzgood

    Dayton has a long list of great Americans like Rob Lowe, Dean Roll, Joe Estevez, and that chick that got married to George Carlin.

    Do you know where people from Dayton go to have a "fun time"?….Fuckin' Cincinnati!!!

  16. OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA

    Shawnee, Iroquois, Seneca, French, English, Dutch, Poles, Germans, Guatemalans…

    Dayton is Ohio's Constantinople..

    1. FakaktaSouth

      You can't go back to Constantinople / Why did Constantinople gets the works? / That's nobody's business but the illegal immigrants we invited here.

      So sorry. It's all Bob Hope and TMBG everytime I hear that word.

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    What Dayton city officials won't tell you is that once you are in city limits, they are going to set up minefields and barbed wire fences to make sure you never leave Dayton.

  18. FakaktaSouth

    I like how every shitty statistic ever now starts with "…since 2000" What happened in 2000? Something really, really bad.

    2thousand 0-0 party over oops out of time.

  19. prommie

    What in the holy fuck-all is this blog coming to? I came here for the smoking hot tattooed redhead and the ass-fucking tales of the DC staff world with its secret Ocean City Gay Republican Beach Clubs and the southern closet-case GOP staff clique called LNS. I came to laugh about the douchebags who played kickball. But what is it now? Wonkette has turned into a depressing chronicle of America's end-times, documenting the economic decline, the social collapse, and the cold civil war of our politics. Its fucking depressing, watching this country in free-fall.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Every day should be in Blowvember. (you know it's gotten way bad when I deleted my first three thoughts)

          2. prommie

            If every day were Blovember, the pharmaceutical industry would go bankrupt, there would be no need for Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro . . . .

          3. prommie

            In light of the fact that this is clearly the beginning of a slow-motion apocalypse for our civilization, which is pretty certainly going to end in cannibal anarchy, I have been advocating the "fuck it, lets party" response for some time, dedicating our remaining time to rampant hedonism, 3-martini lunches, hookers and blow, running up debts that will never be repaid, and spending it all on an orgy of excess. Who would have thought, it turns out Charlie Sheen was prescient.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Please. Like that was ever even a question. I can see how you like to come at people from all sides.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        With regard to prommie's initial complaint — I have to say, it is pretty tricky finding newsstuff with a laughable component lately. Even just months ago I could land on a crazy cannibalist stroller-attacker piece, which would be ideal now that it's Hallow-zombie season — but these days if I find anything *interesting* it's still downright depressing. A spot about vets' business-launch attempts with negligible if not negligent aid from the VA; and a thing about law enforcement trying to track sex offenders at Halloween were about the only things I've found close to 'interesting' in recent days, yet still reality-harshers.

        1. prommie

          Well, the insane Georgia birther with the remote-controlled pink dildo IS pretty funny, I have to admit. It was just the kind of thing I was missing.

  20. hagajim

    Mayor Gary Leitzell, whom the local Republican party endorsed in 2009, said immigrants bring “new ideas, new perspectives and new talent to our workforce

    WTF! What kind of Republican is this? One which thinks immigrants might bring new ideas? That's it! He's officially exorcised from the Party.

    1. MMathS

      He's an "independent" who wears elbow-patched tweed coats and designer glasses. You do the math.

      The local Republican party couldn't find a warm body to run against the sitting mayor so they endorsed him.

  21. TitsAkimbo

    Wait–didn't Dayton (or was it Troy?) already export all their sweet Emerson jerbs to Mexico? And now they're importing the people that couldn't get jerbs as machiadores down there to mow lawns (seasonally, of course) in fucking Dayton? Circle of life, people!

  22. chicken_thief

    I suspect that in this context, local refers to their state of mind at the time, not their geographical location.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Not if they crossed the Ohio River during the winter. they can leap from ice floe to ice floe, like in that book Tio Tomas' Cabaña.

    1. WunkRocker

      See how they survive the first Winter. If they can do that then make them US Americanos. My folks left Toledo in 1959. No WunkRockers have been back since.

  23. GlowneyHouse

    Since Americans can't be bothered with the world game, this appears to be an obvious attempt for the minor league soccer team to boost attendance.

    Yeah, I'm looking at you Dayton Dutch Lions. Good job.

  24. Generation[redacted]

    Republican candidates will now have to boycott campaigning in Ohio, or be forever labeled a RINO.

    1. Guppy

      Why would they be campaigning in Dayton to begin with? Is there an affluent retirement community on the outskirts I don't know about?

  25. Rosie_Scenario

    Come on, show Dayton some love. A nice Midwestern city with a good art museum, plus "Flying Pizza," the "Dayton Nut House," (where you buy almonds, peanuts, etc., not an asylum), and delicious Esther Price Chocolates. (Ex-wife of a Daytonian)

  26. Beowoof

    Having attended the University of Dayton and truly enjoying my time on campus I am conflicted about Dayton. Outside of school and the Oregon District, one can only say: what a shit hole. If you ever wanted to find a place to make Buffalo look good this was it. Which is why I transferred to UB. That and better wings and pizza in Buffalo, and much more readily available Canadian beer.

  27. Bezoar

    I moved with my family to the Dayton area to take a job in health care just 2 months ago. The city of Dayton is geographically small, and has lost many people, jobs, and industries. However, it is surrounded by much more vibrant satellite communites, with great schools and amenities. As a whole, the region is ripe for gentrification. If you search "homes for sale Dayton" and sort by price, low to high, you will find what appear to be amazing values, lots of houses for $10,000 or less that would easily go for $160,000 in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle (not a particularly high-rent zone). These houses are almost exclusively present on the west side of the Miami river that runs through Dayton and divides it into the traditionally black and white areas. The real estate guy referred to Dayton as the hole in the doughnut, because of 30 years of white flight to the surrounding suburbs after the forced busing of the early '70s, and the prolonged export of manufacturing jobs to the third world.

  28. Bezoar

    Dayton once had a population of 250,000; now 150,000. But Dayton is full of underused buildings with great potential, many with marvelous quaint architecture in neighborhoods that could again become vibrant and alive. Also, there is a great Irish pub, the Dublin, and Thai 9 is a wonderful restaurant.

    This is the kind of proposal that you might expect from people with the tradition of working-class liberalism here, who also had what it took to invent powered flight. So there.

  29. donner_froh

    Detroit is trying that as well, hoping to attract immigrants with education, job skills and money to the Motor City since all the U.S. citizens with those qualifications left town years ago.

    Somehow it doesn't seem to be effective.

  30. Tommy1733

    I wonder if they plan to also invite investment from some of our fine privately-owned prison companies – they lure in the immigrants, lock 'em up – then there is a job fair for prison guards and cafeteria workers. The immigrants get housing, and people get jobs. It's a Win-Win!

  31. Negropolis

    …because no one is recruiting immigrants from outside the country

    Actually, this isn't true. Surprisingly, Governor Snyder up here in Michigan is recruiting immigrants, particularly the highly skilled ones. And he's recruiting them hard, much to the chagrin of the tea party legislature.

  32. zhubajie

    Perhaps this is some scam to put them to work doing something dangerous and horrid for next to no money. That's the Dayton tradition!

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