DEPT. OF UNLIKELY SOLUTIONS  8:07 am October 26, 2011

Immigrants Doomed To Seek Refuge In Horrible Dayton, Ohio

by Blair Burke

onward, to dayton!Immigrants in this country are facing a whole list of problems these days, one of those problems being, of course, the insane people and laws that seek to force them out of their homes. Luckily, the timing on this is perfect, because just as much as immigrants need new, non-threatening places to live, America’s Worst Cities need inhabitants! At least one city has realized this connection: In what is obviously nothing more than an act of defeat and complete desperation, the city of Dayton is now actively recruiting illegal immigrants to live and work within its borders. This is the Circle of Life at work, friends.

Dayton, Ohio, a city with 11% unemployment and a population that is down 15% from 2000, has decided to make a final attempt at survival by asking all of the rejected immigrants from elsewhere in the country to please consider living in Dayton, maybe also spending some money now and then, but really whatever works for you is fine because no one lives here anymore.

Dayton, Ohio officials adopted the “Welcome to Dayton” plan on Oct. 5 to encourage immigrants to settle in their city. They see the potential influx of new residents as a way to boost the city’s economy, while states like Alabama and Georgia that have extreme anti-immigrant laws are seeing their economies suffer.

Before the Dayton city commission unanimously approved the plan, Mayor Gary Leitzell, whom the local Republican party endorsed in 2009, said immigrants bring “new ideas, new perspectives and new talent to our workforce. … To reverse the decades-long trend of economic decline in this city, we need to think globally.”

This is all acceptable, because no one is recruiting immigrants from outside the country – just the internally displaced ones. Internally displaced Americans are all the rage these days, and Dayton, Ohio is for once excited to be at the forefront of a cool trend, instead of the forefront of terrible places headed for disaster. [ThinkProgress]

 
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{ 201 comments }

finallyhappy October 26, 2011 at 8:10 am

that would bring Dayton a group of people who are motivated to work and who love America- as opposed to the current crop of GOP presidential candidates

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 8:10 am

Next Drudge Report® siren: "Dayton Implements Shariah Law!"

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:12 am

The reason Wilbur & Orville invented the airplane was to get the fuck out of Dayton.

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

Disagree. They were already selling bicycles to get the f*** out of Dayton. They invented the airplane to get the f*** out of Dayton faster.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

Well, also, the roads weren't very cycle-friendly back in those days, either.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

And like all other wayward buckeyes, they came to NC.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

Great. Now I'm not going to be able to leave the airport there without some little urchin offering to sell me chiclets and shine my damn shoes.

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 8:16 am

"Cigarette, Joe? You got cigarettes?"

Hurricane Ali October 26, 2011 at 9:24 am

Gum? You got gum? Nylons?

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 9:43 am

"Meet me in Stall 3."

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

Larry Craig – is that you?

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 10:06 am

It’s not gay if you don’t look down.

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:45 am

I think you meant Larry Craigslist. It's a pretty common mistake to shorten the naeme.

LiveToServeYa October 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

Just say, 'Pardon me, boy, is this the Hertz rental car exit?' then dance your way out the front.

zhubajie October 29, 2011 at 3:35 am

See, Dayton's city fathers are job creators!

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 8:16 am

Say, you know who else relocated "displaced people" to the East… ?

Monsieur_Grumpe October 26, 2011 at 8:43 am

Moses?

Wilburgton October 26, 2011 at 8:53 am

Commodore Perry?

Preferred Customer October 26, 2011 at 11:33 am

Ironically, the Commodore Perry service station is east of Dayton, if my Ohio geography is correct.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

Elendil and his sons, Isildur and Anárion?

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 10:02 am

You win a free bag of cheetos.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

That worked out well for everyone.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2011 at 9:13 am

Pol "Vive le Socialisme Agraire!" Pot?

paris biltong October 26, 2011 at 9:15 am

Stalin. Definitely Stalin.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 9:56 am

Abraham Lincoln?

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

The great bedbug migration displaced a lot of people from their beds, as Dayton is still learning~

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 10:01 am

The Brits, about three hundred years ago?

joobajooba October 26, 2011 at 10:15 am

Bekins? Mayflower? United Van Lines?

ProgressiveInga October 26, 2011 at 10:17 am

Marco "Polo" Rubio's parents?

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 11:15 am

University of Louisville, University of Cincinnati, South Florida, Marquette and DePaul?

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

And now West Virginia!

HelmutNewton October 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Genghis Khan?

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

FDR to the West Coast Japanese types..

Come here a minute October 26, 2011 at 8:19 am

This is good news for the lawns of Dayton's 1%, unless for pete's sake they're running for office.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:46 am

Dayton's 1%? You mean both of them?

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 10:05 am

Who cares if unemployment balloons to 20%, all the road signs are converted to Spanish, and Sharia Law is implemented as long as the lawns look great? "Curb appeal!!!" has replaced "USA! USA! USA!!" as the rallying cry.

DerrickWildcat October 26, 2011 at 8:27 am

Ocupado Dayton!

Fawkdifiknow October 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

I smell a rat! This is a plot to lure all the undocumenteds to one place, to make it easier to round them all up and deport them. Don't fall for it!

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 8:43 am

Nope. This is Kasich's back door plan to defeat repeal of SB5. Those browns won't go Union, ya know.

FNMA October 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

Dayton? Haven't these people suffered enough?

NorthStarSpanx October 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I hear some nice low-rent accommodations have opened up at what was formerly the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville.

paris biltong October 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

Big mistake. Don't they know that America was much better of before all of this immigration started almost 400 years ago?

Terry October 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

The immigrants who arrived thousands of years ago agree with you.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

I forwarded the Think Progress link to the folks I work with up there at Wright Patterson AFB in Dayton, subject line "Stop stealing our Mexicans." Just got off the phone with one of them, he said "Great, now we're gonna have even more Mexican restaurants!" to which I replied "Well maybe you'll finally get one that's worth a damn."

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 8:42 am

Turning the most beautiful bomber in the world, the XB-70 (Wright Patterson has the only one remaining), into an upscale Mexican restaurant — genius! What could possibly go wrong?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 10:17 am

The guy I mentioned above works in the same building that the AF Museum Annex (experimental planes and retired Air Force Ones on display) is located, so I get to go look at the Valkyrie every time I visit. I'm hoping they get the XC-99 restored and on display before I retire/die.

jus_wonderin October 26, 2011 at 10:18 am

That music sounds slightly porn-ish.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 8:46 am

perhaps some @#$% chile rellenos that aren't just a blob of tasteless cheese and a strip of green pepper at the bottom. Damn that pisses me off. I go home every time and fire 3 of my messican rentboys when that happens.

Toomush_Infer October 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

Follow the Messicans…!

MrFizzy October 26, 2011 at 8:57 am

Not likely – there seems to be some unwritten rule that the farther away from Mexico you are, the worse the Mexican food gets. IMO not true of many other cuisines, but many examples of this, and it's odd b/c the ingredients for the basic food are pretty simple. Back to the snark now.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 9:13 am

Nah, there's just more good Mexican food available near Mexico; anywhere there's Mexican immigrants has good, authentic Mexican cuisine though. My neighborhood, far from Mexico in Philadelphia, has some excellent taqerias; but other areas of the city pretty much just have Taco Bell.

SoBeach October 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

"…anywhere there's Mexican immigrants has good, authentic Mexican cuisine…"

Absolutely. Some of the best I've had was in Raleigh, NC.

Worst was Provo, UT. But that was my fault. I stayed and ate even after I realized that everyone who worked there — including the cook — had blonde hair and blue eyes.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 9:51 am

Ha! I had "beef enchiladas" in Giddings TX once, ground beef with tomato sauce and they gave you a bottle of tabasco sauce.

JerkCade October 26, 2011 at 10:25 am

And you will all want to avoid the burritos in Orono, ME.

kissawookiee October 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

Single best thing about living in Tucson.

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 11:20 am

"the farther away from Mexico you are, the worse the Mexican food gets. IMO not true of many other cuisines"

Canadian food too. The poutine in Beijing is almost inedible. And don't get me started on the butter tarts.

Tundra Grifter October 26, 2011 at 9:25 am

BTF:

The base is in Fairborn – not Dayton. They call the treaty the "Dayton Accords" but it was negotiated in Fairborn.

A city, by the way, 100% white until an Air Force officer (of which Wright Pat had a great many) was told he and his family couldn't purchase a home there. The good people that ran the Base had a come-to-Jesus meeting with the city fathers – and the problem was taken care of.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 9:36 am

Yah yah yah, I know it's in Fairborn, but I figure that even less folks here have heard of Fairborn than Dayton!
I wonder if the Fairborners made the Chinese folks that run the Flying Tiger restaurant there live over on the west side of Dayton…

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 8:34 am

This is really good news for me. Now when I go on TDY up there, it will be just like being home here in San Antonio, except for shittier weather. And as stated above, maybe I'll finally be able to find a decent breakfast taco.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 8:48 am

Dayton doesn't get those dirt drizzles* so they beat San Antonio in that respect.

* – Dry, dust laden air from across the western arid regions hits the humid air coming from the coast and the dust clumps and falls. That was one of the wee surprises I found upon moving to Texas. You walk out in the morning and your car, which was clean the night before, is covered in heavy orangey yellow crud.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 9:04 am

Guess you're just lucky, Terry, that's only happened a couple times here in the 35 years I've been here. About the same number of times it has snowed here over the same period.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

I was in the Houston/Galveston/College Stagnation area. It was like the angels were taking the occasional crap on us.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 10:27 am

Well there you go. the mud rain rarely falls until you get east of the 97W meridian. Or regular rain either.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 10:11 am

You should see what it looks like when the milk weed releases their air borne seeds. The car looks all grey and fuzzy in the morning.

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

Kinda like my head feels every morning.

Oblios_Cap October 26, 2011 at 9:00 am

One thing I miss about Colorado is the Green Chile omelets.

flamingpdog October 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

Names of restaurants, cafes, please?

Limeylizzie October 26, 2011 at 9:13 am

Oh how I miss the breakfast tacos and migas.

GunToting[Redacted] October 26, 2011 at 9:33 am

I had a miga once. Great graphics, and I didn't know they made them in Mexico.

Oh, I thought you said Amiga.

Limeylizzie October 26, 2011 at 10:05 am
Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 9:47 am

Egg burritos….mmmm….Or better yet, ¡chilaquiles!

Mahousu October 26, 2011 at 8:35 am

Fine, invite the barbarians in, but leave the Vandals out, ok? We don't want to be reading about the "Sack of Dayton" next year.

Especially since it would be like the Ostrogoths' final sack of Rome, which netted them pretty much nothing, since everything of value had long since been stripped.

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 8:48 am

And since trucknutz are probably illegal in Kasich's OH, the SACK of Dayton would be hidden under a basket or something.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 8:49 am

The Vandals are being invited to move to Toledo. This should make the State football championships very interesting.

Numbat_Dundee October 26, 2011 at 8:53 am

The Ostrogths and Vandals never actually sacked Rome. They just took it over because they sort of wanted to live there and have the central heating and the deep fired doormouse fetuses and the rest. What the Mexicans might want in Dayton is more problematic.

paris biltong October 26, 2011 at 9:00 am

The Vandals also wanted the handles.

memzilla October 26, 2011 at 9:04 am
GunToting[Redacted] October 26, 2011 at 9:38 am

You know who ELSE thought that Hitler was bad? That's right… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vandals

Chichikovovich October 26, 2011 at 11:26 am

Make sure you keep out not only the Vandals, but also anyone who works the mic like a Vandal.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 26, 2011 at 8:46 am

I've been to Dayton a few times.

This is the kind of thinking outside the (refrigerator) box this country needs!
~

Monsieur_Grumpe October 26, 2011 at 8:47 am

One week in Dayton and they'll be jumping the fence back to Mexico. Hey! Maybe this is why the Republicans are so eager to drive the economy into the world’s dumpster. If our whole country is turned into the equivalent of Dayton Ohio who would want to immigrate here?

Terry October 26, 2011 at 8:52 am

Hopefully, they'll have a positive influence on the food in Ohio before they leave. Currently, the height of Ohio cuisine is Wonder Bread covered in Miracle Whip.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 9:02 am

My first visit to Dayton (I go up once a quarter), I went into an local bar and asked the barmaid, "What's a local brew you can serve me?" She says "Whatchoo mean?" and I say, "Well, you go to Wisconsin, you get a Leinenkugel; Pennsylvania, Rolling Rock; Boston, Sam Adams; Texas, Shiner. What's the local beer here?" She gives me a quizzical look and says "We got Bud Light and Miller Lite longnecks for a buck-75."
"Gimme a Bacardi and Diet."

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 9:45 am

Epic fail. Although, quite at the other end of the state, Great Lakes Brewing Company puts out some quite delicious quaffs. There are very, very few things I miss from my time in Ohio, but access to their Christmas Ale is high on the list…the tapped the first keg yesterday. It'll be gone long before Christmas, but I have one good friend there and she'll stash a sixer for me.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 9:48 am

Now Rolling Rock may be big in the Pittsburgh area, but here it's all about the Yuengling.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

Yeungling. THAT's the name I couldn't remember.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 9:58 am

In Penna, you should be drinking Yeungling. Up in the coal towns, they're big on Genny Cream Ale for some ungodly reason. It tasks like carbonated water with a slight aftertaste.

Beowoof October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Ah the green death as it was known at Flanigan's near the University of Dayton. On Thursday nights you could get a "pounder" of Genny Cream or Blatz for $.75. Nice way for a law student to spend Thursday nigth but made Friday monring tax class fairly difficult.

James Michael Curley October 26, 2011 at 10:43 am

I can give you a couple polish places in Parma where a plate of golabki, pierogi and kielbasa will curl your toes. Since he will be out of a job soon, your waiter will be Dennis Kucinitch.

paris biltong October 26, 2011 at 8:57 am

Not so sure about the likelihood of their going back home. I just returned from Finland, where Somalis form the largest group of immigrants (most came from the Soviet Union when it was collapsing). They seem to acclimate themselves – although, to be fair, except for the weather, it's a lot nicer there than in Dayton or most of Ohio.

johnnyzhivago October 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

"Go Sauna" and drink vodka!

PuckStopsHere October 26, 2011 at 8:54 am

What kind of produce is there to pick in Dayton?

Oblios_Cap October 26, 2011 at 9:01 am

I hear that tire vegetable gardens are all the rage these days.

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 10:26 am

Don't even need a basket – you can just wheel them out.

Oblios_Cap October 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

Won't the English-speaking immigrants have trouble understanding the Daytonese-speaking natives?

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:51 am

The Daytonians — to this Michigan ear — just sound like a lot more nasally Southerners. Hell, anything south of Toledo sounds like the Deep South to those of us up here.

johnnyzhivago October 26, 2011 at 9:06 am

Another plus for Ohio is that you don't need a license for your pet tiger.

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 9:38 am

Or for your pet chupacabra.

OurHoboSenator October 26, 2011 at 9:12 am

I like this. With a rotating cast of minimum-wage browns as his band, Robert Pollard will be able to put out an album a day now, instead of a paltry one per week!

Chillwaver October 26, 2011 at 9:17 am

This is good news for Boehner's housekeeping needs (and yes, I do mean banging maids).

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 9:41 am

Not banging butt-lers?

Hurricane Ali October 26, 2011 at 9:23 am

It's a trap, immigrants! The hippies really just want warm bodies for their Occupy Dayton marches.

x111e7thst October 26, 2011 at 9:29 am

Don't call me gringo,
You fuckin beaner
stay on your side
of that goddamn river
don't call me gringo,
You beaner.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:24 am

The "river" in question being the Ohio?

Beowoof October 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

In Dayton it would be the Miami.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:57 am

Yeah, but "get the fuck back to Kentucky" sounds like it would be a more popular thing to say around those parts.

JumpySnark October 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Actually, I think the phrase is "You and your fuckin' uncle-brothers better get the fuck back to Kentucky." And if you're in Western Pennsylvania, just substitute "West Virginia" for "Kentucky."

hollywooddood October 26, 2011 at 9:30 am

So the job stealing immigrants are invited to Dayton to steal the crop-picking jobs from the white, unemployed residents? It just doesn't seem fair.

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 9:31 am

DAYTON?….But Dayton sucks. Trust me I know people from Dayton.

SmutBoffin October 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Dayton native here. (Sigh.) It's true.

DaRooster October 26, 2011 at 9:35 am

But is there all that many fruits and veggies in downtown Dayton?

MissusBarry October 26, 2011 at 9:40 am

Only thing I have to say about Dayton is that I adopted my beloved Great Dane from a rescue there. So, that's one good thing. Other than that, an influx of displaced latinos should do the place some good.

SorosBot October 26, 2011 at 9:49 am

To be fair to Dayton, at least it's not Cleveland.

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 9:52 am

WIN!!!!

(From a 'Burgher)

ugodOH October 26, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Come on, as an impartial C-bus resident originally from out of state, I can say Cleveland definitely beats Dayton. Now, Akron on the other hand (or Cincinnati) . . . .

zhubajie October 26, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Dayton is worse than Cleveland and Cinci put together!

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:53 am

It certainly isn't. For one thing, Cleveland isn't Little Appalachia, thank god. Cincy-Dayton are basically North Kentucky as far as I'm concerned with some manufacturing mixed in.

baconzgood October 26, 2011 at 9:51 am

Dayton has a long list of great Americans like Rob Lowe, Dean Roll, Joe Estevez, and that chick that got married to George Carlin.

Do you know where people from Dayton go to have a "fun time"?….Fuckin' Cincinnati!!!

zhubajie October 29, 2011 at 3:38 am

Too true!

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 26, 2011 at 9:54 am

Shawnee, Iroquois, Seneca, French, English, Dutch, Poles, Germans, Guatemalans…

Dayton is Ohio's Constantinople..

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:09 am

You can't go back to Constantinople / Why did Constantinople gets the works? / That's nobody's business but the illegal immigrants we invited here.

So sorry. It's all Bob Hope and TMBG everytime I hear that word.

John Birf Society October 26, 2011 at 9:55 am

I just wanted to add a saying from Dayton:

You can't tell if you're Dayton a girl from Eaton or Eaton a girl from Dayton.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

I've done one of those, but now I'm not sure which. Thanks!

Allmighty_Manos October 26, 2011 at 9:56 am

What Dayton city officials won't tell you is that once you are in city limits, they are going to set up minefields and barbed wire fences to make sure you never leave Dayton.

Occupy V572 October 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

Your move, Akron!

hebmskebm October 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

LeBron already moved.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

I like how every shitty statistic ever now starts with "…since 2000" What happened in 2000? Something really, really bad.

2thousand 0-0 party over oops out of time.

hagajim October 26, 2011 at 10:21 am

Guess we shoulda partied like it was 1999 – in 1999.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:22 am

It is the best of times, and the worst of times.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

What in the holy fuck-all is this blog coming to? I came here for the smoking hot tattooed redhead and the ass-fucking tales of the DC staff world with its secret Ocean City Gay Republican Beach Clubs and the southern closet-case GOP staff clique called LNS. I came to laugh about the douchebags who played kickball. But what is it now? Wonkette has turned into a depressing chronicle of America's end-times, documenting the economic decline, the social collapse, and the cold civil war of our politics. Its fucking depressing, watching this country in free-fall.

LesBontemps October 26, 2011 at 10:18 am

I blame Obama Ken Layne.

Oh, and can you help a fellow American down on his luck?

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:36 am

Did you ever build a railroad, make it run?

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 10:18 am

True dat. Cocktober is certainly not living up to its name, at all.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:21 am

I have no hopes for Blowvember, either. Just the final swirling around the drain.

kissawookiee October 26, 2011 at 10:46 am

Maybe Dickcember will make it all worthwhile.

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

I hope so. It's a long cold wait until Fapuary.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:25 am

Okay, that's it. I'm cock-upying something TODAY, for Cocktober.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

Let the Cockupation begin. A "Cocktober Surprise."

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:38 am

All I ever said is I don't wanna work, not that I won't do 'jobs.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:36 am

Would "cockupy Wall Street" be a politer way to say "fuck wall street?"

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 10:46 am

Already enough Kochupying Wall Street.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

Oh no no. "Fuck Wall Street" is still pretty goddamn appropriate.

JerkCade October 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

Or liberating, in a "wow, so it was bullshit all along" kind of way.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:34 am

Or exhilirating, in a "fight or flight," I hope I survive kind of way.

JerkCade October 26, 2011 at 10:42 am

Or tasty, as in "say, this long pig is pretty good!"

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

Wonkette has turned into a depressing chronicle of America's end-times

Today we are all immersed in a series of unfortunate events.

elviouslyqueer October 26, 2011 at 10:53 am

Today we are all participants in a Lemony Party?

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

I'm just happy to go down in the company of like minded cretins. Its all I could ask.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

Heh heh heh heh, I saw that.

Mumbletypeg October 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

With regard to prommie's initial complaint — I have to say, it is pretty tricky finding newsstuff with a laughable component lately. Even just months ago I could land on a crazy cannibalist stroller-attacker piece, which would be ideal now that it's Hallow-zombie season — but these days if I find anything *interesting* it's still downright depressing. A spot about vets' business-launch attempts with negligible if not negligent aid from the VA; and a thing about law enforcement trying to track sex offenders at Halloween were about the only things I've found close to 'interesting' in recent days, yet still reality-harshers.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Well, the insane Georgia birther with the remote-controlled pink dildo IS pretty funny, I have to admit. It was just the kind of thing I was missing.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:28 am

"came here for the smoking hot tattooed redhead"

Would it help if we got Ken a wig?

snackypants October 26, 2011 at 10:10 am

Bienvenidos a Dayton!

hagajim October 26, 2011 at 10:20 am

Mayor Gary Leitzell, whom the local Republican party endorsed in 2009, said immigrants bring “new ideas, new perspectives and new talent to our workforce

WTF! What kind of Republican is this? One which thinks immigrants might bring new ideas? That's it! He's officially exorcised from the Party.

MMathS October 26, 2011 at 4:16 pm

He's an "independent" who wears elbow-patched tweed coats and designer glasses. You do the math.

The local Republican party couldn't find a warm body to run against the sitting mayor so they endorsed him.

TitsAkimbo October 26, 2011 at 10:24 am

Wait–didn't Dayton (or was it Troy?) already export all their sweet Emerson jerbs to Mexico? And now they're importing the people that couldn't get jerbs as machiadores down there to mow lawns (seasonally, of course) in fucking Dayton? Circle of life, people!

weejee October 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

So this internal displacement thingie is sorta like a societal hernia?

chicken_thief October 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

I suspect that in this context, local refers to their state of mind at the time, not their geographical location.

PubOption October 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

Shouldn't that sign show water dripping from the immigrants' backs?

BaldarTFlagass October 26, 2011 at 10:55 am

Not if they crossed the Ohio River during the winter. they can leap from ice floe to ice floe, like in that book Tio Tomas' Cabaña.

gurukalehuru October 26, 2011 at 10:38 am

Is it really worth immigratin', if you have to live in Dayton?

WunkRocker October 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

See how they survive the first Winter. If they can do that then make them US Americanos. My folks left Toledo in 1959. No WunkRockers have been back since.

ManchuCandidate October 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

There's always the USAF Museum… right?

GlowneyHouse October 26, 2011 at 11:02 am

Since Americans can't be bothered with the world game, this appears to be an obvious attempt for the minor league soccer team to boost attendance.

Yeah, I'm looking at you Dayton Dutch Lions. Good job.

flamingpdog October 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

Internal displacement worked so well for the Iraqis.

proudgrampa October 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

Dayton?

To borrow from Gertrude Stein, "There is no there there."

Generation[redacted] October 26, 2011 at 11:37 am

Republican candidates will now have to boycott campaigning in Ohio, or be forever labeled a RINO.

Guppy October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

Why would they be campaigning in Dayton to begin with? Is there an affluent retirement community on the outskirts I don't know about?

Rosie_Scenario October 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

Come on, show Dayton some love. A nice Midwestern city with a good art museum, plus "Flying Pizza," the "Dayton Nut House," (where you buy almonds, peanuts, etc., not an asylum), and delicious Esther Price Chocolates. (Ex-wife of a Daytonian)

zhubajie October 29, 2011 at 3:45 am

Do they still have The Bouzouk Lounge?

zhubajie October 29, 2011 at 3:51 am

Do they still have The Bouzouki Lounge?

Beowoof October 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

Having attended the University of Dayton and truly enjoying my time on campus I am conflicted about Dayton. Outside of school and the Oregon District, one can only say: what a shit hole. If you ever wanted to find a place to make Buffalo look good this was it. Which is why I transferred to UB. That and better wings and pizza in Buffalo, and much more readily available Canadian beer.

proudgrampa October 26, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Labatt's? Molson?

Good times!

Beowoof October 26, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Moose Head

proudgrampa October 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Totally forgot about Moose Head!

Bezoar October 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I moved with my family to the Dayton area to take a job in health care just 2 months ago. The city of Dayton is geographically small, and has lost many people, jobs, and industries. However, it is surrounded by much more vibrant satellite communites, with great schools and amenities. As a whole, the region is ripe for gentrification. If you search "homes for sale Dayton" and sort by price, low to high, you will find what appear to be amazing values, lots of houses for $10,000 or less that would easily go for $160,000 in the Wallingford neighborhood of Seattle (not a particularly high-rent zone). These houses are almost exclusively present on the west side of the Miami river that runs through Dayton and divides it into the traditionally black and white areas. The real estate guy referred to Dayton as the hole in the doughnut, because of 30 years of white flight to the surrounding suburbs after the forced busing of the early '70s, and the prolonged export of manufacturing jobs to the third world.

Bezoar October 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Dayton once had a population of 250,000; now 150,000. But Dayton is full of underused buildings with great potential, many with marvelous quaint architecture in neighborhoods that could again become vibrant and alive. Also, there is a great Irish pub, the Dublin, and Thai 9 is a wonderful restaurant.

This is the kind of proposal that you might expect from people with the tradition of working-class liberalism here, who also had what it took to invent powered flight. So there.

donner_froh October 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Detroit is trying that as well, hoping to attract immigrants with education, job skills and money to the Motor City since all the U.S. citizens with those qualifications left town years ago.

Somehow it doesn't seem to be effective.

chascates October 26, 2011 at 12:36 pm

The wingnuts will just try to set the rivers on fire to isolate them.

Tommy1733 October 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I wonder if they plan to also invite investment from some of our fine privately-owned prison companies – they lure in the immigrants, lock 'em up – then there is a job fair for prison guards and cafeteria workers. The immigrants get housing, and people get jobs. It's a Win-Win!

owhatever October 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

This nonsense of welcoming immigrants to a town will not stand!

lochnessmonster October 26, 2011 at 6:01 pm

They can all work at NCR…

Negropolis October 27, 2011 at 2:29 am

…because no one is recruiting immigrants from outside the country

Actually, this isn't true. Surprisingly, Governor Snyder up here in Michigan is recruiting immigrants, particularly the highly skilled ones. And he's recruiting them hard, much to the chagrin of the tea party legislature.

zhubajie October 29, 2011 at 3:33 am

Perhaps this is some scam to put them to work doing something dangerous and horrid for next to no money. That's the Dayton tradition!

SoBeach October 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

My cheese enchilada in Provo was a 1 lb block of velveeta wrapped in a corn tortilla, warmed up for 15 seconds in the microwave, and covered with canned diced tomatoes. I'm not even exaggerating a LITTLE. The velveeta was still in the shape of a brick.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 10:49 am

An early Blowvember?

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:02 am

In light of the fact that this is clearly the beginning of a slow-motion apocalypse for our civilization, which is pretty certainly going to end in cannibal anarchy, I have been advocating the "fuck it, lets party" response for some time, dedicating our remaining time to rampant hedonism, 3-martini lunches, hookers and blow, running up debts that will never be repaid, and spending it all on an orgy of excess. Who would have thought, it turns out Charlie Sheen was prescient.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

Every day should be in Blowvember. (you know it's gotten way bad when I deleted my first three thoughts)

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

If every day were Blovember, the pharmaceutical industry would go bankrupt, there would be no need for Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro . . . .

flamingpdog October 26, 2011 at 11:13 am

Charlie Sheen for Prescient in 2012!

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

That is exactly what I count on you for my dear.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:25 am

I try to keep up my end.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

God me too, but sometimes I think one of those wedge-pillow-things might be helpful.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 11:49 am

I hadn't thought of that angle

prommie October 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

OK, I lied, actually I had thought of all the angles.

Terry October 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

At the Slovak Club in a teeny PA coal town none of you has ever heard of, you can buy a frosty mug of Genny Cream Ale for $0.50 or $0.75, depending if it's Happy Hour. The fancy brands, like Bud of Yeungling, will cost you a buck or slightly more.

FlownOver October 26, 2011 at 12:43 pm

See? If we had Nein Nein Nein it would have been a breeze.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Please. Like that was ever even a question. I can see how you like to come at people from all sides.

prommie October 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Hey, not just any people.

FakaktaSouth October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Absolutely. I am sure you are very particular. And that is a virtue (or so I am told).

prommie October 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm

People will tell you the most outlandish things, won't they?

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