EVERYONE EXHALE, America’s foremost pillar of Internet opinionation Meghan McCain has finally found time in her manic schedule writing her bi-monthly Daily Beast column to drop by Zuccotti Park so she can do her part and help explain to any of her readers who have been in a coma for the last month, “what’s up with all that protesting?” The exciting title for her piece is “My Day at Occupy Wall Street” in accordance with the third-grade manual of style guidelines for first-person essays about field trips to the zoo, which is what we will call her “theme” since Meg has eschewed the more reporterly trope of using any kind of “angle” whatsoever. So let’s see, what trove of recycled generalizations has our intrepid columnist obtained through her journey?
First off, here is an important series of profoundly meaningless, hastily cobbled buzzwords to get this to show up somewhere in the Google search rankings:
Depending on your perspective, Occupy Wall Street is either indicative of the future—how a group of people can practice activism through social media—or a leaderless (and therefore hopeless) endeavor. It’s the left’s populist movement. The anti-Tea Party party, if you will, that’s shining the spotlight on the evils of corporate greed and the kind of behavior that served as the catalyst for our economic downfall. Or, you could also argue, it’s just a hippiefest, a Woodstock for 2011, packed with freeloaders who just want to lament about the success of the upper class.
How polite, “if you will!” NO WE WON’T, because banal copy-pasted right-wing talking points give us enough tumors already, every day. But let’s soldier on, to read Meg’s breathless step-by-step account of her brush with the commoners.
The first man I tried to talk to couldn’t remember his last name and he looked like he was under the influence of something. I asked him why he was there. This is what he said: “I was chilling in, f—ing, where the f— was I—I was somewhere in Manhattan, Starbucks, a mother f—er comes up and says let’s drink beer.”
Is it important that she included this quote, so we can all picture Meghan McCain petulantly shouting interview questions at drunks. However, to be “fair,” she decided to talk to a protester in possession of his mental faculties, too! See, real jernalizm!
But most of the people who I spoke to had real stories of hardship and despair. Tom Quigley, a 23-year-old college graduate from Buffalo, N.Y., said he couldn’t find a full-time job after graduating from college. He’s taking a cross country bike trip, and he plans on stopping at all the various Occupy Wall Street gatherings across the nation.
And so therefore, uh, in conclusion, this is still about her.
I’m the daughter of one of the most long-standing senators in politics and I have been given every opportunity that anyone could possibly dream of. I was given those opportunities as a result of the hard work from both sides of my family. What struck me more than anything is that for the first time possibly in history, people aren’t being given the same opportunities that my parents and grandparents had.
Ah, there’s the money line. Yes, for the “first time possibly in history,” not counting the first couple hundred years of (we’ll be nice here) American history when slavery, industrialization, lack of women’s suffrage, segregation, blah blah this list could go on for years made life varying degrees of miserable for vast swaths of the population, if you count none of that or anything else that has ever happened before Meghan McCain wrote this column, then congratulations, you have the brain power of a rabid squirrel. Has Meghan McCain ever actually opened an American history book of any kind? EVEN A PICTURE BOOK?
No, probably not, because this column is worse than recycled garbage. It is more like if you tossed recycled garbage to rot in a compost heap and then took the juices that seeped out of the bottom after a couple weeks and filtered them through a nuclear reactor to deprive them of any use for carbon-based life forms for the next fifty thousand years, or forever, whichever comes first. [Daily Beast]