October 25, 2011

Herman Cain Releases Terrifying ‘Smoking Man’ Campaign Spot, To Hurt America

by Wonkette Jr. 7:37 am October 25, 2011

What in the living hell? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? Who is this ominous creep smoking into our faces as he strangles our children? Why won’t Herman Cain do his own “dirty work”? [YouTube, ugh, via Wonkette operative "Benjamin G."]

135 comments 4874 Views

{ 135 comments }

el_donaldo October 25, 2011 at 7:49 am

I'm please to see Herman Cain's commitment to hiring victims of severe brain injury and also Journey's unemployed back-up singers.

hagajim October 25, 2011 at 11:14 am: I thought the chick from the Real Wives of D.C. was singing into Neal Schon's microphone…if ya know what I mean.

MissusBarry October 25, 2011 at 8:04 am

Is this a tactic to gain the support of the smoking caucus? Is there a smoking caucus? Dude, if you're the nominee, you would've already had the RJ Reynolds and Phillip Morris votes locked up.

baconzgood October 25, 2011 at 8:05 am

Tee-Hee

"Smoking Cock-Us"

MissusBarry October 25, 2011 at 8:20 am

Baconz win!

baconzgood October 25, 2011 at 8:31 am

Even before my first "coffee". By coffee I mean rum, Kahlua, and maple syrup.

MissusBarry October 25, 2011 at 8:40 am: Does that version keep the caffeine withdrawl headache away? Me thinks that sounds way more fun than my coffee, which consists of, well, coffee.

poncho_pilot October 25, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Block's got an oral fixation.

baconzgood October 25, 2011 at 8:04 am

What is with that smarmy look Cain has? He looks like he's going to date rape me!!! And that song? Who wrote that? What? The dude that did the soundtrack for Flash Dance was busy that day?

Moonbat October 25, 2011 at 8:59 am

I wasn't getting a date-rapey vibe from the Hermanator. It looked to me more like he was trying (and nearly failing) to keep from busting out laughing. I bet they had to do multiple takes of him doing that serious/smiley thing and with each take the absurdity of the whole thing made it seem funnier and funnier until by the end the director would shout "Action!" and Cain would just cold crack up.

This is a man almost literally without a campaign, who's nonetheless in a dead heat with Mitt Romney, who's been running for President for like five years now. I'd probably be laughing my ass off, too.

offbrandboobs October 25, 2011 at 9:03 am

Fo' sho'. He looked like the Black Grinch, about to do who-knows-what to Cindy Lou Who.

Steverino247 October 25, 2011 at 9:33 am: Herman Bones a Who?

GhostBuggy October 25, 2011 at 10:25 am

"Say, bacon baby, I'm gonna stuff your crust."

fuflans October 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

yeah and i'm going to have 'one voice, united america' in my head all day.

thanks mark block

DahBoner October 25, 2011 at 8:15 am

Whoo, hooo! PizzaGuy is cranking up his campaign! Happy timez is here agains!

FULL EMPLOYMENT FOR THE MENTALLY DISABLED…

Come here a minute October 25, 2011 at 8:16 am

The ad was supposed to feature somebody who was "smoking" as in "Call me, Herman!" You know, like T-Paw's "red-hot smoking wife".

J Rbt. Oppenheiner October 25, 2011 at 8:21 am: Mark Block doesn't do it for you?

Goonemeritus October 25, 2011 at 8:34 am

As this real American points out the Cain organization is running a campaign like America has never seen. This is not quite true I would like to point to the influential Clamoto ad that opined “Clamoto there isn’t much clam juice in it as you think”

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 8:35 am

I would bet good money that "Mark Block" reeks of cigarette smoke, cheap whiskey, crusty teenage boy cum, and abject failure. So yes indeed, a perfect spokesperson for dear Hermie.

GhostBuggy October 25, 2011 at 10:27 am: You rattled those off as if they're bad things, not the qualities present in any God-fearing conservative who just wants to take America back.

OneYieldRegular October 25, 2011 at 8:41 am

Never before has smoking seemed so glamorous.

Shouldn't that guy be in an oxygen tent?

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 8:41 am

Needs moar Scully and Mulder.

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 8:44 am

Herman Cain/Cancer Man 2012! The Truth is Out There. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay the Fuck Out There.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 8:49 am: He should have got Well-Manicured Man as his spokesman as well.

WhatTheHolyHeck October 25, 2011 at 10:16 am

That would have been a great episode, so long as it started with a montage of violent criminal acts perpetrated by Demon Sheep.

OKthennext October 25, 2011 at 8:47 am

Needs more bwaahaaahhaaa there at the end.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 8:56 am: Ah, Mel Blanc, we hardly knew ye.
Callyson October 25, 2011 at 2:00 pm: Oh, I was bwaahaaahhaaa – ing at the end of that…

Sue4466 October 25, 2011 at 8:49 am

You know who else ran disorganized mess of a "campaign" to sell books/get Fox News gig?

DahBoner October 25, 2011 at 8:58 am

Ronald Raygun?

Moonbat October 25, 2011 at 9:00 am

Michele Bachmann?

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 9:10 am

Glenn Beck?

baconzgood October 25, 2011 at 9:15 am

All of the GOP?

Mumbletypeg October 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

Huckster? (Just in time for Christmas)~

Chillwaver October 25, 2011 at 9:43 am

Has anyone said "Hitler" yet?

JustPixelz October 25, 2011 at 11:35 am: They would never make Hitler one of their on-air political analysts! NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!!! OH WAIT. You said Fox News. Never mind.

chicken_thief October 25, 2011 at 9:54 am

I was going to say Chris Christie, but he just did it for the free chicken dinners.

widestanceshakedown October 25, 2011 at 10:07 am

Every damn one of them thus far.

GunToting[Redacted] October 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

All of them, Katie?

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 8:53 am

It's like being back in junior high.

"Smoking is cool. I'm smoking. So, I'm cool. I'm speaking on behalf of Herman Cain. Ergo, Herman Cain is cool."

Cue Herman Cain pedo-serial-killer-grin.

DahBoner October 25, 2011 at 8:58 am

Can I bum a fag?

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 9:21 am: That's what Rick Perry said.

What?

yyyaz October 25, 2011 at 8:54 am

Just exactly what is the GOP smoking these days that induces support for their hallucinogenic line-up of candidates? Besides rent-boy pipe.

not that Dewey October 25, 2011 at 8:58 am

The scary head shake from Jacob's Ladder has always been a winning campaign strategy.

DahBoner October 25, 2011 at 9:00 am

hallucinogenic line-up of candidates

This calls for a commemorative sheet of LSD blotter acid, with Cain's picture on it.

Owsley? Are you listening?

Barrelhse October 25, 2011 at 12:59 pm: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/15/us/15stanley.ht...

offbrandboobs October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am

Next time, we're gonna need to see you go for broke and get a guy with a little robot that comes and talks out of the hole in his neck where his larynx used to live.

STOP HALF- ASSIN' IT CAIN!!1!!1

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 9:33 am: They could get the electro-larynx throat cancer guy from My Name Is Earl.

"Hey, how much for the quit-smoking tape?"
"35 cents."

twoeightnine October 25, 2011 at 9:10 am

I need a shower.

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

What part of 999 takes care of lung cancer?

NorthStarSpanx October 25, 2011 at 9:37 am: I think that speech was so taxing, he just needed that ciggy break.

fruitjunk October 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

This video needs more shots of Herman Cain punching hanging meat while that song blares in the background. Preferably with Mark Block shouting at him "Get Up You Sonofabitch!"

GhostBuggy October 25, 2011 at 10:29 am: That would require Mark Block to show more charisma than a lamp with a burned-out bulb, though.

freakishlywrong October 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

We really start to seriously asking ourselves in this country; "What the fuck is wrong with conservatives"? "(and the assholes who vote for them)"?

neiltheblaze October 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

Wow – deeply creepy. So – that unidentifiable smoking dude I've never seen before or ever heard of and will forget within the next ten minutes believes in Herman Cain, and I'm supposed to give a fuck because……?

Fauxhemian October 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

Here's a much better video. My contribution to OWS. Please pass it on. Thanks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0Kr1lHgggU

Allmighty_Manos October 25, 2011 at 9:29 am

So, someone got paid to make this?

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

Holy shit! That was fucking evil…especially the part starting at :46.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

I’d like to see the camera pull back from Smoky as he resumes digging through trash barrels for empty beer cans for his shopping cart

NorthStarSpanx October 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

Wait, I thought his name was Herb?

Arken October 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

You say it's scary. I say smoking is the only way to cover up the taste of a Godfather's pizza.

One_who_wanders October 25, 2011 at 10:51 am: And skunked beer.

Indiepalin October 25, 2011 at 9:36 am

Good job, Herb! This campaign ad will do for Cain's campaign what Newsweek did for Bachmann's

AJWjr. October 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm: Somehow I got all this name-y stuff cornfused and came up with Herblock.

Chillwaver October 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

Worst fucking Lung Cancer Awareness video ever.

And then they get upset when you call them "Kochsmokers"…

baconzgood October 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

NEEDS MOAR LIONEL HUTZ'S SMOKING MONKEY!!!!!!!!!

freakishlywrong October 25, 2011 at 9:43 am

The "Ick" Files.

Sue4466 October 25, 2011 at 9:49 am

You know who else tried to gain politically by smoking people?

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 9:57 am: Ngô Đình Diệm?
chicken_thief October 25, 2011 at 10:02 am: Harry Truman?
elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 10:10 am: Clyde Tolson?
Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:41 am: Tomás de Torquemada?
HistoriCat October 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm: Monica Lewinsky?
Barrelhse October 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm: Keith Richards.
mourningnmerica October 25, 2011 at 11:26 pm: The Terminator?

loki_monster October 25, 2011 at 9:54 am

Herman Cain/Smoking Man 2012! After seeing this, I am convinced that what I saw was the planet Venus.

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 9:57 am

Wasn't it Cigarette Man (Smoking Man?) the dude from X-Files that said, "I've watched presidents die"?

Also, can someone give me a synopsis of what he said in the ad? I'm at at work and can't listen.

WhatTheHolyHeck October 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

Blah blah blah never seen a campaign like this before

Blah blah blah never seen a candidate like this before

Blah blah blah got'ny change, buddy? I need some Night Train but bad.

[shot of Hermain Cain, smirking demonically, holding the sweet, sweet booze just out of reach]

ThundercatHo October 25, 2011 at 10:34 am

It's not the same without the soundtrack.

Barrelhse October 25, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I watched with no sound, too. The guy comes across as angry and deranged- he probably needs the smoke to calm his jangled psyche.
Also, he's an asshole.

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm: Seeing as most of white America is angry and deranged, this ad should be a hit. "While I'm not keen on havin' another black fella for president, his chief of staff is someone I can support."

johnnyzhivago October 25, 2011 at 10:04 am

Needz moar sausages.

chicken_thief October 25, 2011 at 10:05 am

I'm pretty sure that was a Newport. To pander to the black voters, of course.

Tundra Grifter October 25, 2011 at 11:58 am: I remember the original Wonkette describing Ann Falter after a speech – "licking a diet Newport."

johnnyzhivago October 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

Seriously, this is the SECOND best campaign ad in history. It is not as good as the Mike Gravel "Rock" ad, however:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rZdAB4V_j8

fuflans October 25, 2011 at 12:01 pm: nothing is, really.

ingloriousbytch October 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

The first rule of Herman Cain is don't talk about Herman Cain.

Dr_Zoidberg October 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

It's toe-tappingly tragic!

DerrickWildcat October 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

You're going to have to edit out the smoking and head shaking…and that's just to get it to an R rating. Edit out the weird grinning Black guy at the end and we can go PG.

MaxNeanderthal October 25, 2011 at 11:53 am: Lose the too-rapid cutaways as well, oh, and the close head-shots too. And get that pasty-faced cancer-dodger with the face fungus, off screen as well, and we got us a real winner!

Pragmatist2 October 25, 2011 at 10:28 am

So if Cain is going to ut "United" back in "United States" who is going to put "States" back?

GhostBuggy October 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

This can't be real. Is this real? This isn't real.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

Your move, Joe Camel.

dennis1943 October 25, 2011 at 10:37 am

I find smoking a cigarette calms my nerves after an episode of disingenuousness………

PubOption October 25, 2011 at 10:38 am

When I read the headline, I thought that 'Smoking Man' was a reference to Cain's electrified border fence proposal.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:40 am

These GOPtards all promise to "take America back", but they never tell you how far back.

From the available evidence:

Mittens: 1956 (Ozzie & Harriet ftw)
Cain: 1980 (pizza's golden era)
Perry: 1840 (Yeehaw!)
Bachmann: 1890 (Gilded age, fuck the poorz)
Newt: 1929 (good times!)
Santorum: 1485 (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

One_who_wanders October 25, 2011 at 10:56 am

Paul: 1765 (Before the the US strangled freedum)

Tommmcattt October 25, 2011 at 11:39 am: Paul secretly years for the days when Monarchs ruled mankind with an iron fist. More objectivisty.

Isyaignert October 26, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Good stuff there Bubba!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

Guy needs only a serape to complete his fantasy.

DaRooster October 25, 2011 at 11:05 am

"Closer. Closer. I need you closer to that bush."

KobayashiMaru October 25, 2011 at 11:05 am

Cain's face at the end- "Damn, I fucking NAILED that."

Barrelhse October 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm: ..and I swallowed!"
io9k9s October 25, 2011 at 4:29 pm: …white woman!

SmutBoffin October 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

Maybe Cain expects that this dude's second-hand smoke will bring him second-hand coolness.

James Michael Curley October 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

that shot at the end just cost him the entire south.

Lucidamente1 October 25, 2011 at 11:22 am

Definitely a performance artist. "Mark Block" is clearly an homage to the great French historian Marc Bloch, murdered by the Nazis in 1944. The cigarette is a subtle reference to French Resistance's cool under fire, . . .

Polythene_Pam October 25, 2011 at 11:27 am

I'm not so sure that was a regular cigarette.

Lazy Media October 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

The best part is Herman smirking at us at the end, like we're a bunch of suckers. GOTCHA!

Tommmcattt October 25, 2011 at 11:37 am

Can you imagine this dude as White House Chief of Staff? Jesus, he's got all the charisma and charm of a high-school guidance councilor…

DerrickWildcat October 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

Dude just wants his country back…to the time where he could smoke in a plane or at his desk.

ttommyunger October 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

I have to wonder, what were they smoking when they came up with this idea? Surely not Marllboros.

JustPixelz October 25, 2011 at 11:45 am

"… putting the 'United' back in 'The United States of America'."

Pretty sure Cain and his Koch overlords are actually putting the "Citizens United" in the "United States of America".

Oblios_Cap October 25, 2011 at 11:59 am

"Take Back America"? You bastards already own it.

Tundra Grifter October 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Shouldn't have confused Burning Man with Smoking Man.

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Give $50 to the Cain campaign and get a free ashtray!

fuflans October 25, 2011 at 12:04 pm

well it's true. america never HAS seen a candidate like herman cain.

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Block was also had a three year ban from participating in Wisconsin elections for fucking with the vote. Great guy.

Isyaignert October 26, 2011 at 8:26 pm: Thank you! I had read that somewhere earlier today, but couldn't find it to post.

mavenmaven October 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

That pairing of Herman Cain and Kirsta Branch (with her violent neo-fascist lyrics) is truly symptomatic of how sick things have become in post-Weimar Merika. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4H9QOU7g2g&fe...

One_who_wanders October 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm: You know that actually made my skin crawl (and not in a good way), which nothing has done in 30 years. Fascism wrapped in a flag carrying a cross, indeed.

Troglodeity October 25, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I just have to wonder what was going through the director's mind as he created this monstrosity. "OK, let's find the creepiest looking guy we can find: a child molester from Central Casting. And let's put some old-fashioned, thick, kinda greasy glasses on him. Make him look like your least-favorite deadbeat uncle. Oh, and as for location, let's put him next to some sort of ugly fence so people will wonder if he's lurking inside an asylum of some sort. And hey, just because, let's use up five seconds of precious air time having him take a drag on a scuzzy old cigarette butt with his nicotine-stained, dirty-fingernailed hands. And then we'll tack on a really weird shot of our candidate giving a shit-eating grin and turning his head way slower than anyone would ever naturally do, over a tune that sounds like it came off the "Team America" cutting room floor."

Extemporanus October 25, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I thought that was a Kool ad.

Troubledog October 25, 2011 at 12:44 pm: I Raleigh have to agree.

OccupyFnChicken October 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Cancer Man is back with his Morleys and a mustache.

poncho_pilot October 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

the disembodied head of Herman Cain is off to fight Darc Seed and save America from becoming a land of zombies. that's all.
http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b344/2wm/zombie...

Pres.Libunatic October 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

What the fucking fuck? I don't know which is worse: the Eurovision-quality music, the smoking dude, or Cain's shit-eating grin at the end.

io9k9s October 25, 2011 at 4:42 pm: I have to disagree – with out any one of the three elements you listed this advert may well have gone unnoticed – but this very well may go down in the bowels of political advertising history right next to Christine O'Donnell

PartyMarty October 25, 2011 at 1:37 pm