SAUSAGE FEST  10:17 pm October 24, 2011

Creepy Old Rick Perry Video Shows How He Loves Sausage

by Wonkette Jr.

Snausages, it's what's for dinner.The reason why everybody says Rick Perry is a haughty gay country club waiter in Dallas is because that is exactly how he acts. But there was another Rick Perry, in the past: A Rick Perry who was not afraid to express his love of sausage, and was also not afraid to dress up in a comical “cowboy costume” at the end of the same commercial, and then just lean back and play with his hands in a weird way. Rick Perry!

This is some shitty campaign commercial from whenever, whenever Dallas was the main show on television, we guess:

UPDATE: And here’s another one, this time with Rick dressed up in complete Halloween cowboy costume. Thanks to Wonkette operative “Andrew K.” for the tip!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 206 comments }

Barb October 24, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Rick Perry seems to be a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Like Yosemite Sam, Guvner Goodhair has a better future in "Back Off!" truck mudflaps than he does in politics.

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Speaking of mudflaps, I had no idea that this was a thing a couple years ago. But now you can buy bookmarks and e-book-reader covers with the image.

102415 October 24, 2011 at 11:21 pm

I like it! Why, I'm reading a book right this minute.

Angry_Marmot October 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Great Horny Toads!

tribbzthesquidz October 24, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Books. Check 'em out!

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 12:49 am

My best bud has those on her car. Right next to her rainbow flag, her Obama sticker, and her "Need some R&R – Revolution & Resistance!" bumper sticker.

I'll be gone for the next few days, so be good to yourself. I expect you to be here and snarking when I return.

Spurning Beer October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

And Jimmy Dean.

Negropolis October 24, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Chuck Norris. Also. I fully expected him to roundhouse kick some Mexican in the ad for Texas effect.

jetjaguar October 25, 2011 at 8:38 am

I would pay a large sum of money to see an old sausage commercial starring George Bush.

Just thinking about it makes me happy.

Maman October 25, 2011 at 8:57 am

And judging from his akimbo stance, a bit of David Caruso

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Yes, when it comes to "Extruded Unidentifiable Meat By-Product," I think "Rick Perry."

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 24, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Fuck, that was as awful as watching sausage being made…

littlebigdaddy October 24, 2011 at 10:25 pm

You know who *else* loved sausage and right-wing politics?

Lucidamente1 October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

J. Edgar Hoover?

comrad_darkness October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Oscar W. Meyer?

glamourdammerung October 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Andy Breitbart?

Unless you meant sausage as in sausage and not as a reference to penises.

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

You're correct either way.

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Jimmy Dean Caesar?

LettucePrey October 24, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Jurgis Rudkus?

(That was an obscure one, sorry.)

AddHomonym October 24, 2011 at 10:56 pm

You win $100.

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 11:11 pm

And a rake.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm
Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Thanks. Now watching endless KITH sketches

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 12:51 am

I will crush your head! Sorry. They said it so well.

poncho_pilot October 25, 2011 at 1:26 am

there's nobody home.

SorosBot October 24, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Sarah and Bristol Palin?

Callyson October 24, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Coultergeist?
(As in, she loves having a sausage…)

Negropolis October 24, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Whashisname. You know, that lowly, Austrian artist with the hard-on for strife and struggle.

littlebigdaddy October 24, 2011 at 10:49 pm

I never thought of Klimt in that way.

glamourdammerung October 24, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Narrow it down. The one with the funny mustache or the one that was in "Kindergarten Cop"?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:26 pm

The Holy Roman Emperor Joseph II?

hollywooddood October 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Christine O'Donnell?

Crank_Tango October 24, 2011 at 11:12 pm

hmm. hitler was supposed to be a vegetarian, but I am going to say hitler anyway.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:20 pm

All of them, Katie.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:21 pm

The Coors family?

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 24, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Hutton Gibson?

102415 October 24, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Lilly Von Shtup?

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I'm Tired!

102415 October 26, 2011 at 12:31 am

Would you like another schnitzengruben?

Guppy October 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

George Rekers.

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 12:52 am

Yes!

imissopus October 25, 2011 at 12:36 am

Charles Lindbergh?

NYNYNYjr October 25, 2011 at 12:53 am

and dressing up, and government-spurred job creation, and executions…

iburl October 25, 2011 at 1:15 am

Robert Pickton?
Also Rush Limbaugh is a pig who loves himself, so I think that counts.

tihond October 25, 2011 at 10:18 am

Jeff Gannon?

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 10:26 pm

he could learn a thing or two about production values from one Mr. Herman Cain:
http://gawker.com/5852967/herman-cain-produces-be

ProudLibunatic October 24, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Ooooo, I think I may have to take up smoking, Mr. Bloch makes it look SO sex-ay!

flamingpdog October 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

"But then America's never seen a candidate like Herman Cain."

OK, maybe there was a God after all, but I think he finally croaked a few weeks ago..

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 12:54 am

Jezus, that man has a creepy smarmy smirk. I just want to bitchslap him before he looks at my little girl that way.

Callyson October 24, 2011 at 10:26 pm

And he expects anyone *not* to believe the gay rumors after that ad?

tribbzthesquidz October 24, 2011 at 11:51 pm

If he were, Marcus Bachmann could "cure" his sausage.

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 12:55 am

There are gay rumours about CAIN? I find that hard to believe.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:11 am

That certainly is a wide stance he's got there. Just saying.

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

For real. That last shot, especially, is just crying for Rick sporting some assless chaps.

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

A Texas Natural

Our children are being learned

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Sweet holy fucking mackerel on a stick. No wonder he's getting his ass whupped by God and EVERUHbody. Is he still polling higher than Michele?

memzilla October 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

I would rather have camel spiders in my underwear than Ol' Crazy Eyes as preznint.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Oh geez, wow, you're *really* kinky. And I thought @proudgrampa was bad.

comrad_darkness October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

All sausages, no hat.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:27 pm

From the way he waves guns around, I'm guessing not all that much sausage, either.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:13 am

Think "Vienna sausage."
Which gets us back to the whole "Who else…" meme, in spades.

Karma_Suture October 24, 2011 at 11:46 pm

I think this is another from his video vault…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AldaLWwbxlw

fuflans October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

oh yeah, a texas sausage natural all right.

coolhandnuke October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Sensing Perry's presidential campaign will turn out like that Dallas season where it can all be explained away as just a dream.

fuflans October 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm

nightmare though.

flamingpdog October 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Needz moar Victoria Principal.

emmelemm October 25, 2011 at 12:24 am

Does that mean we have to see Perry in the shower? Cuz I don't wanna.

Mahousu October 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

No, I'm sorry, Dave Campo was all too real.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 7:43 am

No, going .300 is good. Well, wrong sport.

Arken October 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm

The suggested videos after that one stopped were all in Arabic. RICK PERRY IS A SECRET MUSLIM!

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:17 pm

We seem to be overrun with them lately.

Spurning Beer October 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Mmm. You can really taste the hog anus and snout.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I like how he lead the horse to the sausage factory. You've never had sausage until you've had equine by-product sausage!

emmelemm October 25, 2011 at 12:24 am

"Think I got a hoof."

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 25, 2011 at 1:04 am

WTF Bonzo, learn the Queen's bloody English already.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:14 am

You can lead a horse to a sausage factory, but you can't make him meat.

user-of-owls October 24, 2011 at 11:43 pm

If by hog anus you mean "personality" and by snout you mean "lurid pandering."

LettucePrey October 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Rick Perry and George W. Bush once went out drinking, but only had 5 bucks between them. So Bush took the fiver and bought a sausage.

"What good is that going to do?" Rick asked.
"Trust me," Bush says.

They went to a bar and ordered a round of drinks. W. put the sausage through his zipper and told Rick to suck on it.

The bartender saw this and yelled "Hey, we don't allow that queer shit in Texas! Get out of here!"

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. After about the tenth bar, Rick said he was getting drunk, and didn't know how much farther he could keep going.

Bush replied, "How do you think I feel, I lost the sausage after the third bar!"

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:18 pm

ZOMFG. Can I repeat that? I'll give you credit.

102415 October 24, 2011 at 11:27 pm

That really is about perfect.

crybabyboehner October 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Bush is the smart / sympathetic guy now – that's all we need to know.

Lucidamente1 October 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm
BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 10:33 pm

For some reason, I generally don't conflate the manufacture of sausage with young clipboard-wielding women clad in laboratory coats and hardhats, or guys arc-welding on pipe. But then, I don't know much about sausage-making.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Sausage-*slipping*? That's a whole different game!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:31 pm

As are guys arc-welding on pipe. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Depending on how they look, they can arc-weld my pipe any time. Er … wait a minnit, we are speaking euphemistically, are we not?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2011 at 1:15 am

Well, I've got the arc-welder, if you've got the pipe.

Or I've got the pipe if you've got the arc-welder….,

Damn, metaphors are hard.

Indiepalin October 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

What was the name of this sausage factory again?

coolhandnuke October 24, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Mickey Gilley's Sausage House and Honkytonk.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Rick's

flamingpdog October 25, 2011 at 12:00 am

Famous Anus.

emmelemm October 25, 2011 at 12:27 am

Loves it.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 25, 2011 at 1:05 am

Texas A&M.

NYNYNYjr October 25, 2011 at 1:05 am

from their website: "J Bar B produces products endorsed by boxing champion Jesse James Leija, NASCAR legend Richard Childress, and Heisman Trophy winner Earl Campbell." …Who are all slightly more powerful than the governor, due to the Texas constitution.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 7:48 am

Earl Campbell's Hot Links rule the fucking planet.

metamarcisf October 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

Higger Ned's?

tribbzthesquidz October 24, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Rick Purreh. Gristly. Skin-On. For America.

fuflans October 24, 2011 at 10:39 pm

also and does anybody know anybody who actually stands like rick perry stands? i know i keep harping on this, but wtf?

Negropolis October 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm

It's weird, isn't it? I've seen it at all of the debates. Arms hanging lifelessly straight down to the sides, arched lower back and belly stuck out like some morbidly obese person after eating a huge steak dinner down at the tavern. Awkward as hell.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Must be a Texas thang.

comrad_darkness October 25, 2011 at 11:21 am

His puppet strings are getting loose.

SorosBot October 24, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Someone, please, mess with Texas.

Negropolis October 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

So, was the point of the commercial to see how many times one could fit the word "Texas" into a 34-second add? Jeeze Louise. You know, up where I'm from, this looks like a SNL parody of an actual campaign ad.

Really, how big is Texas' inferiority complex? Well, I guess it's the size of…Texas. You know, we'd like you more if you stop telling us how great you are. Just sayin', Tejas.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

You think that's bad?!? You should see the TV ads for pickup trucks down here.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

How big is Texas' inferiority complex?
It's not called the One-Star State for nothing.

JoshuaNorton October 24, 2011 at 10:46 pm

To paraphrase Freud, sometimes a sausage is just a sausage.

This is not one of those times.

ThundercatHo October 24, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Rick Perry, "helping sausage to expand", that's not gay at all.

CountryClubJihadi October 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

God Damn, there is nothing hawter than a white guy in action slacks with his hands on his hips with a wide leg stance. I need a cold shower, stat.

ThundercatHo October 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Totally fake Brokeback Mtn ranch hand outfit, that's not gay either.

north_of_moscow October 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

I can't quit you, Sausage.

coolhandnuke October 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Texas Sausage Makers motto: "Texas sausages, ribbed for Oklahomas', Arkansas' and New Mexicos' protection.

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Wow — now I know where Amy Poehler gets her material.

HempDogbane October 24, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Sue Ellen? Is that you?

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Grand Old Sausage Party

__kth__ October 24, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Neither Perry nor his camp nor his intended audience ever heard of a sausage factory as a metaphor for a corrupt and convoluted legislative process, apparently.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I've had my sausage expanded before, but never modernized.

Damn it all, this man might be worth voting for!

ThundercatHo October 25, 2011 at 12:23 am

So, would a modernized sausage have a jet pack or what?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2011 at 1:16 am

Lasers!?!

Gleem_McShineys October 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Back in those days, "modernized" probably meant just piercings, tattoos or a perhaps a sweet Prince Albert.
DO NOT GOOGLE THAT

Herring_Burnit October 29, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Oh my sweet fucking god.

Jukesgrrl October 24, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I love when he stands with his legs spread and his hands on his hips. Did he copy that from Superman, or is that just his natural stance when he's being serviced?

BelleSC October 25, 2011 at 8:24 am

"The boys" must be sticking to his legs.

DahBoner October 24, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Sure, boys, looks like that there Rick Perry sure knows how to "add some value" to Texas agricultural products.

Are you supposed to put moose turds on the ingredient label, or just keep it a "family secret"?

not that Dewey October 24, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Afreud so.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

You say "love of sausage" like it's a bad thing.

MilwaukeeKent October 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Just have to update some of the references, Rick, and this evergreen vid is good to go national.

The GOP voters will be easy to spot at the polls in November 2012, just look for the dry heaves after voting for Romney. New Romney slogan: "You have no choice!" If there is still a Bradley Effect after Obama '08, it's there in the GOP base so Cain won't be it. Perry might sweep Super Tuesday if he makes it that far, but gets edged by Mitt. This is gonna be fun to watch.

YouBetcha October 24, 2011 at 11:30 pm

It looks like the opening montage for bad late 80s/early 90s porn.

user-of-owls October 24, 2011 at 11:45 pm

…from someplace with -stan at the end of its name.

MiniMencken October 24, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Now, if ol' Rick was to go and help the people who run the Luling City Market down the road apiece from Waelder make more hot link rings, he might get my vote. But J-B industrial grade sausage? Shucks, no way, José!

user-of-owls October 24, 2011 at 11:55 pm

From the Wonkette Manual of Style:
It is expressly forbidden to use the phrase "hot link rings" in proximity to the name "Rick Perry." No exceptions.

fartknocker October 25, 2011 at 1:43 am

Krietz's Meat Market is as good but the fact that you mention Luling and I was there on Sunday with my gorgeous wife, daughter and her new husband just warmed me with happiness. Nothing says BBQ like butcher paper and brisket.

MiniMencken October 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Eyup. When you bite into one-a them hotlinks and the melted pork fat runs down through your beard onto yore snap-button plaid shirt, well, thass as close to Heaven as I ever been! (And, remember when Texas meant LBJ, Molly Ivins, Jim Hightower and Willy Nelson and not this asshat?)

BarackMyWorld October 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

CORNDOG CAPITALISM!

DerrickWildcat October 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

The first picture looks like a screen grab of the evil Dr. Sausage from Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

user-of-owls October 24, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Hey, Junior! Keep the posts down, I'm tryin' to sleep here!

iburl October 24, 2011 at 11:57 pm

This is the central casting moppet that unseated the great progressive Tx Ag Sec Jim Hightower.

Just because you're from the country doesn't mean you can't be full of hollywood B.S..

ManchuCandidate October 25, 2011 at 12:04 am

I wish I were a Richard Perry Weiner
That is what I truly wish to be
cause if i were a Richard Perry weiner
everyone would then go vote
oh everyone would then go vote
everyone would then go vote for meeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Antispandex October 25, 2011 at 12:14 am

Rick, you put your hands on your hips, but you didn't bring your knees in tight. Fail.

imissopus October 25, 2011 at 12:43 am

And there goes the Jewish vote.

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 2:10 am

And the Muslin vote if it hadn't already left.

fletc3her October 25, 2011 at 12:54 am

What's with the cowboy hat? Is he trying to pass himself off as a crazy dictator?

mavenmaven October 25, 2011 at 12:56 am

So, essentially, he was for government stimulus packages for struggling industry before he was against it?

Herring_Burnit October 25, 2011 at 12:57 am

Has anyone told the schlub that "natural" doesn't have the best of meanings? I seem to remember (in my misspent yoof) people referring to the mentally-impaired as "natural."

not that Dewey October 25, 2011 at 9:04 am

Uranium is natural. Arsenic is natural. Benzene is organic.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:22 am

Not to mention strychnine and cobra venom. Full of natural, organic goodness.

PristinePantalones October 29, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Don't make the same mistake *I* did and tell that to any hippydippy NewAge friends you might have lying around. Unless, of course, you just don't want them for friends.

not that Dewey October 29, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Woo hoo! Welcome back. I was afeared you got caught up in that Oakland clusterfuck. Speaking of which, anything to report?

If I *really* wanted to lose friends, I'd just quit drinking. Oh, wait.

Herring_Burnit October 29, 2011 at 11:03 pm

(Hugs ntD fondly) It's GREAT to be back! I read a shitload of books for sheer lack of anything else to do, but that's OK, I needed to anyway. I avoided the #Occupy sites for precisely this reason — I was afraid it was going to turn into a fustercluck, and gimps don't run too good. But I now have a new cause and passion — to ensure that the city holds its Mayor and police force responsible for the injury to an unarmed veteran exercising his free speech rights.

I need to quit drinking. I can't seem to drink without ill effects these days, but I can't seem to stop. You quit, din'tchu? Any advice?

PubOption October 25, 2011 at 9:23 am

Yes, my dictionary gives that definition of 'natural', and also another meaning, illegitimate, as in natural son (or daughter). It makes me wonder what the Arkansas legislators were thinking when they put the slogan "The Natural State" on their license plates.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

That's why, when some dumbfuck yokel does something so profoundly stupid as to be noteworthy, we think, "Naturally…."

PristinePantalones October 29, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Ah ha ha ha. Ha. The Natural State. Yup. Chock full of 'em.

iburl October 25, 2011 at 1:08 am

Rick is an awesome rapper too: http://youtu.be/fTqSp6r1QP8

SudsMcKenzie October 25, 2011 at 1:24 am

Whatcha thinking about Rick?

Oh, I dunno .. Sausages I guess.

fartknocker October 25, 2011 at 1:50 am

I remember voting for him when he ran this commercial. He was a Democrat and he was the Texas Ag Commissioner. I did vote for him because he was effective in that role.

As a Governor, he's nothing but salted rat dicks because he was corrupted by Karl Rove. As a Presidential candidate, he's a dangerous religious pandering shit stick.

His wife Anita is a real charmer. Read her latest diatribe about Religion and Rick from the Houston Chronicle:
http://blog.chron.com/rickperry/2011/10/anita-per

That's one of several reasons not to vote for Rick and his religion.

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 2:14 am

Whoa, hold up. This was the race with Hightower, right? Please do clarify.

fartknocker October 25, 2011 at 2:23 am

It was the Hightower race. And I'll confess if I made a mistake voting for Rick. But at the time I still believe he was being effective as the Agriculture Commissioner.

I have no problem being corrected. I'll stand by an elected official when they perform for the people.

I recall Hightower was running for Secretary of State, not for the Ag Commissioner. However, I am over 50 so I will claim some memory loss.

James Michael Curley October 25, 2011 at 5:53 am

Perry switched parties to run as a Republican in the Commissioner of Agriculture race in 1990. In a year when Ann Richards was easily elected governor, Hightower lost, in part, because of the race baiting ad Perry ran with pictures of Hightower shaking hands with Jesse Jackson. But a more damaging element was having three of your personal friends and assistant deputies indicted for shaking down contributors to your prior campaign. Hightower was never even hinted as having knowledge of the events.
An old friends was a water cowboy in those days and we talked more on that old device you put up to your ear then these days.

PubOption October 25, 2011 at 9:25 am

Love the reference to a burning Bush in Anita's article!

dennis1943 October 25, 2011 at 10:44 am

In my neck of the woods we exclaim : where do these people come from!

Come here a minute October 25, 2011 at 5:53 am

Laws are like sausages; Rick Perry is one of the rare elite who likes to see them being made.

Mort_Sinclair October 25, 2011 at 6:43 am

What's with the black and white crime-scene photos hanging crookedly on the brick wall behind him at the 10-second mark?

DashboardBuddha October 25, 2011 at 7:20 am

"Laws Rick Perry, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how it is made"

johnnyzhivago October 25, 2011 at 8:18 am

I call BS – how come he's not chopping wood in the commercial…

jus_wonderin October 25, 2011 at 11:05 am

chomping?

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 8:37 am

Otto: What's going on?

Leila: Take a look at this.

Otto: What's this? It looks like sausage.

Leila: It isn't sausage, Otto. That's a picture of four dead aliens.

Otto: HAHAHAHA

salt_bagel October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am

Karl Lagerfeld thinks the puffy-vest-and-work-gloves look is "brutally gorgeous".

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2011 at 9:08 am

Worst. Match.com. M4M. Video. EVER.

snackypants October 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

I love the fresh smell of a sausage factory in the morning.

prommie October 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

Sausage-smuggler Perry.

DaSandman October 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

A Texas natural what? Rentboy?

Sharkey October 25, 2011 at 10:08 am
el_chupacabra October 25, 2011 at 9:41 am

I think I'm beginning to understand how one wins elective office in Texas. Y'all.

dennis1943 October 25, 2011 at 10:41 am

As he kicks back he thinks : six months ago i couldn't even spell politician……now i are one……….

mrblifil October 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

Can I just ask? What the fuck is the dude with the blowtorch working on? An extra-sadistic method of slaughtering the pigs?

jus_wonderin October 25, 2011 at 11:07 am

I bet it is an animal sensitive concept designed by Temple Grandin. Who, btw, I'd love to see on Dancing with the Stars.

meatlofer October 25, 2011 at 10:55 am

Jimmy Dean for President!

WindbagCity October 25, 2011 at 11:06 am

Flying saucers….levitation… Yo, I can do that!

DemonicRage October 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

Now he's really hit upon a winner! America will fuel its economic recovery by becoming sausage supplier to the world. And in places of the world where people already are not in the custom of eating sausage, we will send out teams to convert them. And those hog farms that they have out in the midwest where the run-off from where the hogs frolic and excrete waste….we will have them soon near every major US city, because Rick Perry will do away with the EPA.

Troglodeity October 25, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Needz moar deep-throating corn dogs.

KommunistKitty October 25, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Wait, is a "Texas Natural" the same thing as bare backing?

walterhwhite October 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Rick Perry is not a Muslim. He’s a Muslin. Please get your spelling right.

crybabyboehner October 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Sausage Gobbler vs. Fudge Packer – either way, America wins!

mrblifil October 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm

But you haven't lived until you've dipped your steaming sausage in some warm fudge and then pulled it out. Then back in. Then out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out…

Franknflower October 25, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I believe the stance is arms akimbo.

VinnyThePooh October 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Big Sausage finds a home in Perry's ass.

io9k9s October 25, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Thanks, wonkette, now I can't get the Hair Club for Men slogan out of my head.

PristinePantalones October 25, 2011 at 1:24 am

Metaphors ain't the only thing, Lionel[redacted]. I'll be away for a few days, be good to yourself (and all other Wonketeers) till I return.

Damn, I'm gonna miss Wonketz more than Real Life. That is SO fucking sad!

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 7:47 am

"I'm gonna miss Wonketz more than Real Life."

Say "hi" to all my homies down at the methadone clinic!!

Dok-cupy Everything October 25, 2011 at 9:17 am

Fifty Helens agree.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 25, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Sure is — a cobra can put you out of your pain in no time!

PristinePantalones October 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Girlfriend, you are begging for a slapdown. Begging.

PristinePantalones October 29, 2011 at 6:25 pm

What would I do without my Wonkerati?

Edited for exhaustion-induced typofingerz.

not that Dewey October 30, 2011 at 1:51 am

I'm happy to help in any way that I can.

For me, I took a multi-pronged approach. When it came down to it, it wasn't difficult for me to make the decision to stop — I had been kicked out of the house. Things were officially getting worse faster than I was able to lower my standards, as the saying goes. I was on the verge of losing everything. What was difficult was following through.

I saw a doctor and got some meds. I made arrangements for some therapy. Then, I turned to Wonket. I took a chance and bared my soul (with sarcasm, of course!) I cannot overestimate the level of support that I got from our fellow commie vulgarians. Everyone had a kind word; they all wanted to see me succeed. Several Wonketteers who have been through this told me (paraphrasing) to quit whining and get my ass to some AA meetings. (I can put you in touch with some of them, if you'd like, or you can find them.) I took their advice, and I continue to do so, and I am so grateful to them. And to everyone. Meetings are only twice a week, but Wonkette is here all the time. I get the warm fuzzies just being here, remembering that outpouring of support. And almost even better than my own recovery was watching Owls get well, too. We both needed help, and we found it here, among all of you.

It was turbulent, and there were times when I got overwhelmed, but now I can go to a party where everyone is a drunken idiot, and I can actually enjoy myself for about an hour. In fact, I just got home from such an event.

Can you ride a bike? (sincere question — not being snarky. I don't know the extent of your knee problem.) If so, go to it. A kind Wonketteer recommended that as a way to deal with the anxiety, when the ativan was all gone. And it works. There were times when I rode until I lost circulation in my wrists, but I overcame the depression and anxiety and pulled through.

That's enough sap for now. In the meantime, if you need anything, just talk to me or Owls, or anyone else you can find.

not that Dewey October 30, 2011 at 1:56 am

And yes, I lost some IRL friends over it, but as any mother would say, "maybe they weren't really your friends".

user-of-owls October 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Welcome to our club Herring! Like Dew says, this is where we heal. Lurking in the abandoned comments of old posts…pretty sneaky, huh? Tried to comment on your site but don't know if it went through, so just wanted to say we're here for you.

not that Dewey November 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

OT — Father Dewey gets a 50% "author appreciation discount" from Prometheus books. He asked me to populate my xmas list with the best in skeptical/scientific/progressive literature. Let me know if you want anything.
http://www.prometheusbooks.com/

Mumbletypeg October 30, 2011 at 12:39 pm

get the warm fuzzies just being here, remembering that outpouring of support.

Word. I recall seeing that outpouring of support here in your direction. I can't tell if I relate but indirectly: my dad overcame his addiction w/ the help of AA some time ago, after his sister threatened to kick him out (my mom had already taken us & left him). So years later I'd attend some meetings w/ him as a teen just to see what it was about. Sadly that same aunt herself succumbed to drink after personal tragedy and it contributed to her early death (esophagal cancer).
The only other bit to point out like you said that puts a 'glow' upon recollecting, is what it meant for me to have the opportunity to interact w/ just a few in a DuPont Haunt of wonketteers just a year ago this weekend in DC. It was an act of daring for someone my nature to walk up to strangers & start talking to them but I did and everyone I met was stellar, can't think of another word for it. All kinds of ages and arriving from different locales along East coast. Plenty of conversation just taking care of itself and — the point I'm getting to is — when months later a long-time relationship I'd been in fell apart, it was not here on this forum I expressed my grief but privately to a few of those I'd met whose support was invaluable. Between that & simply remembering the scene from last fall, it is easy for me to see how this has become an unexpected resource for your path toward restoration.

Herring_Burnit November 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Obvy, I was seriously shook by your reply. In the best way. I'm not a follower, but attended AA for a while some time ago back when the drinking problem was someone else's. Problem is, I'm not a joiner, and very antisocial by nature, and nothing gets my back up faster than (a) having to be in public with a bunch of other people who are (b) committed to a shared philosophy/set of principles. Of course, I'm not so self-unaware as to realize that the very nature of resistance is the ability to convince oneself in short order of reasons NOT to do whatever it is one is resisting. Or something like that. My resistance is low.

It doesn't help that I've just received some devastatingly bad news regarding what's left of my family, but I'm resisting the urge to bottle that problem. It's difficult for me to share my inner workings, but I'm obviously not succeeding in dealing with this issue on my own.

What sort of medication did the doctor offer? I can't ride a bicycle, but I do have a stationary recumbent bike, and will proceed to acquaint myself with it a little more intimately. Good for depression, you say. I'll look around and see what AA offers in my neighbourhood. Any godless atheists (yeah, I know it's redundant, but religious types like to wring every jot and tittle of meaning out of it) in the AA movement? Any pointers on reading material maybe?

Thanks, ntD.

not that Dewey October 30, 2011 at 8:07 pm

I'm sorry about your dad, and your aunt. I nearly brought my daughter to a meeting recently (her mom was out of town) but she's too young to feel the full import. Maybe when she's 10 or 12, I'll be able to talk to her about that. Possibly the saddest aspect of the meetings is hearing people talking about how they already lost their families and their children will never forgive them, or about their parents who got sober 6 months before they died. "At least we had 6 months" is a very sad sentiment to have to express. I guess that's the point of going, though; the object lesson — this could happen to you — you still have time, you haven't lost everything yet.

I'm envious of those east coast get-togethers. One of these years I'd like to try to organize an event for the Southwest Chapter. I wonder whether anybody would go? Although, without even having met anyone in person, I do have some friends here I can lean on if times get tough (even a phone # I can call, if things get really bad).

7/1/2011 — NEVAR FORGET

Herring_Burnit November 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

It sounds as if you, like me, have a real reluctance to embrace the life social.

Herring_Burnit November 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I hope you number me among those friends, even if it's early days yet.

Herring_Burnit November 1, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Thanks, Owlz. I remember you celebrating your wellbeing recently — it gives me hope.

Herring_Burnit November 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

You are too kind, ntD. Although I will admit that, when reading anything serious enough to require sobriety, I'm seldom tempted to put the book down for the cup — a great way of ensuring continued sobriety!

Thank you. I shall now kick Rick Perry viciously to recover my snark levels.

not that Dewey November 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Oh, good. I was afraid that I scared you off.

I wasn't trying to evangelize for AA — just letting you know what worked for me. (I, myself, am a godless communist. I manage just fine. There's no shame in acknowledging that others have found comfort in their god, and besides, I like the company of grouchy old ex-drunks. Mrs Dewey cooks them zucchini bread or cake or something every week, possibly as a gesture of gratitude.) Given that you already have some experience with the group, you should be able to decide whether that's what you need or not. Regardless, you're going to want to talk to somebody, and that's where we come in. I reached out to these pages, because I didn't know where else to turn, and the pseudo-anonymity held a certain appeal. Who cares if somebody they don't know is a lush, right? I was trying to hide it from friends/family/coworkers, and I needed to tell somebody. It turns out I made the right decision.

re: meds I got Antabuse, which will cause you to become violently ill if you drink while you're taking it. Call it a straightjacket, a substitute for self-control in those first weeks. Also Ativan, which allowed me to sleep. DON'T OVERDO THE ATIVAN!!! The initial insomnia was a monster. After about two weeks, I was able to lose that and switch to benadryl, and then ease off that in time. Now I just sleep.

Take lots of vitamins, particularly ones containing thiamine, and drink lots of water. Find something else you can drink, iced tea or gallons of coffee or something. Since I was already saving hundreds of dollars a month by not buying whiskey, I splurged and bought me some of that fancy ginger ale.

And most of all, lean on us when you need to. Even on weekends, I rarely go more than a couple hours without checking email. If it gets really bad, let me know and we'll find an even more abandoned post and I'll give you real contact info.

not that Dewey November 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Of course.

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