Just keep throwin' 'em out until something sticks, right?The wheezy little shadow humans hovering around in the dank caves over at Rupert Murdoch’s terror pamphlet the New York Post sure are devoting an awful lot of comical reporting to the fabrication of elaborate Jesusween bedtime stories about the Occupy Wall Street protesters. It’s like they’re kind of (very) worried or something! The latest strenuous fiction plucked at random — there are several to choose from on any given day — has a variety of anonymous numbers and sources claiming that shootings across the city have risen two billion percent since the protests started on account of the NYPD having too much fun beating up on peaceful protesters to go beating up on actual criminals with guns anymore. That would be sort of embarrassing for the cops, if it were actually true!

So let’s see, from their dumb story:

The number of people shot surged 154 percent two weeks ago — to 56 from 22 over the same week last year — and spiked 28 percent in the last month.

Last week tallied another increase in victims — 22 people had been hit through Friday, including the three victims gunned down outside a Brooklyn school Friday.

Here is a fun thing about journalism: you don’t have to cite any sources for your numbers if they are completely made up! Unless “last week” is the official source for their count, since apparently that is the person doing the tallying. The same rule conveniently applies for anonymous sources. Oh look, here is Joe the graphix editor (we are guessing?) supplying a “context quote.”

“Normally, the task force is used in high-crime neighborhoods where you have a lot of shootings and robberies,” said one source.

There is no fathomable reason why an actual NYPD spokesperson wouldn’t go on the record to discuss these issues if they were actually Issues, but maybe there’s one actual copper somewhere who’s willing to blame the protesters for some problems in his precinct?

“The city is going crazy with demonstrations and protests, and I’m lucky if I can get four cars out there,” said Deputy Inspector Ted Berntsen, commander of the 13th precinct in Chelsea.

There we go! Everyone in Chelsea, Manhattan’s posh gay district, please look out. You are on your own if a mob of shirtless backup dancers decides to take over your art gallery opening, got that? [NY Post]

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  • Barb

    And oddly enough, not one shooting by a protester. You do the math.

    • memzilla

      To paraphrase Mark Twain: Math is for criminals and Wall Street traders. But, I repeat myself.

    • Negropolis

      People pour in, peace and good vibes pour out. Never a missed communication. You can't explain it (except that you can).

    • mookwrthwilson


  • GuanoFaucet

    Maybe they hacked the wrong person's phone while researching the story.

    • barto

      That would involve some form of "reporting", criminal as it might be. Sadly, there's no evidence even for that…

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Yeah, can't get four cars out there. We've gone post-apocalyptic. I think this is the part where the motocycle guy with the weird pony tail and the doll's head on a stick from Road Warrior tears through the streets of New York.

    • DaRooster

      Toss him a boomerang…

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Oh you laugh now, but this is probably how Snake Plissken got his start.

  • memzilla

    AAMOF, I happen to live in Chelsea (shout out to NYFD Battalion 7!), and I can tell you from life that the biggest unpoliced thuggery going on in this town is 30 blocks up Sixth Ave at Faux News HQ.

  • iburl

    If you can make it up there, you can make it up anywhere, it's up to you…. New… York… Poooost!

  • mrpuma2u

    Ugh this is who they blame this week for their sub-standard policing. I guess it;s a lot easier harassing peaceful protesters than actual hardened criminals who might actually shoot back. Needs moar citibank kustomers gittin busted.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Huh…so, how many violent assaults and shootings have there been AT the protest site? Almost none, you say?

    Oh. So, why all the cops there?

  • There was an enormous surge in corporate crime on Wall St. in the last decade, too.

    Shirley we can blame OWS for that as well?

    • AJWjr.

      I think you got your cause and effect kinda flipped, there.

    • hollywooddood

      Well, somebody bundled toxic mortgages into complex financial instruments called default swap derivatives, gave the worthless instruments a Triple A rating, sold them to unsuspecting investors and bankrupted the economy.

      And don't call me Shirley.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Not even if I say, "For the win, Shirley"?

    • Generation[redacted]

      The special team of financial investigators has been busy pepper spraying teenage girls, so yes. Totally to blame.

  • Callyson

    Four high-ranking cops point the finger at Occupy Wall Street protesters, saying their rallies pull special crime-fighting units away from the hot zones where they’re needed.
    Since Occupy Wall Street took over Zuccotti Park on Sept. 17, the NYPD has relied heavily on its borough task forces, the department’s go-to teams for rowdy crowds.
    But such protest duty takes the special units away from their regular jobs
    Um, why in hell is the NYPD sending "special crime – fighting units" to cover a protest?
    …oh, wait, I forgot, because objecting to anything Wall Street does is a crime.

    • DaRooster

      It's a "special" crime… like the Olympics…

    • Jukesgrrl

      I think it's under the category "High Crimes and Misdemeanors" if it impedes Wall Street.

    • zappadoo76

      "Four high ranking cops…" Lemme see: Deputy Inspector Bologna, Deputy Inspector Cardona, Commissioner Kelly and…. Who else?

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    As we all know, NYPD is zealous in making sure its crime statistics are accurate. They would never, EVER take any actions that might artificially skew the stats.

    • You are SUCH a fount of information. Thank you. That was very educational.

  • e_z

    Bloody Hell Rupert, you never fail to exceed my low expectations…

  • There is that one crime of possible probation fraud by a guy named O'Keefe. Maybe some pepper spray and a few kicks to the face are in order.

    • MzNicky

      As I hail from the Volunteer state, I volunteer.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, leave his face alone — if they fuck him up too bad, he won't be terrified that he's too pretty to go to prison.

      • Crank_Tango

        either way them handle ears he has would come in handy in prison.

      • No worries there, Wookies. Them prison boys be puttin' TWO brown paper bags over li'l Jimmy's face before they even BEGIN to inspect his asshole.

  • coolhandnuke

    The Post just out-sources their quotes.
    Just ask for Mohindar at their call center in Mumbai for source quote verification.

    • memzilla

      The source for the NY Post quote was Snake Plissken.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Snake? I thought he was dead.

        • bagofmice

          Snake? Snake?! Snaaaaaaaaake!!!

    • Arre, Mahindar is a fucking Sardarji, man, what the fuck does he know, yaar?

  • ttommyunger

    First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they attack you, then you win. Hmmm. So far, so good, Ghandi.

    • Crank_Tango


      "…then you give them everything they want"
      Barry O.

      • ttommyunger


  • And they need to have all their police force at OWS for… now let me get this straight… so that the police can arrest and manhandle people who aren't doing anything illegal. You know, when you send all your cops to cover a bunch of people who aren't doing anything wrong, all the bad guys kinda know that your troops are spread pretty thin for other parts of the city. I'm no criminal mastermind, but even I can figure that one out. I come from a podunk backwater in Michigan, and if I hear 3 police cars in the distance I know that's pretty much the whole city and sheriff department coverage on duty right there. I could rape, pillage and plunder my way across my neighborhood at a fairly relaxed pace.

    • emmelemm

      I enjoy the phrase "fairly relaxed pace".

    • Wow, and I thought I was a "rape, pillage, and plunder" maven.

      Please remember that I have *always* been *very* nice to you.

  • JackObin

    Pay people a living wage and there will be little gun violence. It's your move, excessively wealthy douchbags.

  • In an unrelated story, NY Post writers took a hit of HPV vaccine and got mental retardation.

    • Barrelhse

      Then it IS contagious.

  • Come here a minute

    They're just giving the people what they want.

    Scousers still never buy the Sun.

  • RadioOcupados

    They're still smelly, lazy anarchists with no agenda though, right?

  • Arken

    “The city is going crazy with demonstrations and protests"

    If by 'the city' you mean 'a park' and by 'going crazy' you mean 'being peaceful'…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Made up?! What the heck do you mean? Why, I googled crime stats in New York City, and according to this pdf from the NYPD, crime statistics are — oh, they're down for every category compared to this week last year. Also, there's no category of shootings specifically — so who knows, maybe it was one of those statistics specifically tailored to fit the theory.

    Anyway — fake stats. And it took two minutes to check on. Nice work, NYPost — but better work Kirsten.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Stole that and posted it on the NYPost comments. Why are the cops LYING to protect the DIRTY HIPPIES?

      • SayItWithWookies

        You're welcome to it. And here's the NYPD stats page — they have a weekly crime stats report, and I did a search that shows some of the previous weeks online, but I'm not sure how to search it week-by-week. I'm sure there's some period of time where particular crimes are up compared to the previous year, but I haven't taken the time to look around for it.

    • Negropolis

      Wookies, maybe I'm naive enough to think they would read it, but you should write the author of the article about this on the off chance that he or she (haven't read the link) has a conscience.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The New York Post – like a mad dictator who refuses to go quietly into the night and would rather torch 99% of the city for the 1%

  • So in the Post's view, citizens peaceably assembling disturbs the peace.

  • Tundra Grifter

    According to Newshounds, the ClusterFox right wing nutz are arming for the war against Halloween. They are, interestingly enough, pro-Halloween – and want to take on those against it.

    Guess they never heard of Jesusween. Of course, over at Faux News they haven't heard about a lot of things…

    • AJWjr.

      It's got Jesus right in the title! Just like that pesky Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, which they also don't believe in.

    • Anonymous plans to take Pox Ooze down real soon. I can't wait.

    • bagofmice

      I always thought it aw God, Ween, Satan.

  • user-of-owls

    I'm pretty sure the OWSers should also be blamed for illegal immigration, the EU sovereign debt crisis, climate change and the epic collapse of the Red Sox during the last month of the season.

    Oh, and Hitler. Their also retroactively responsible for Hitler. A source told me.

    • Generation[redacted]

      They distracted all our troops who were supposed to be fighting the Kaiser! Distracted them with the age old technique of telling stories that go on and on but never really seem to go anywhere. Like the time I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time…

      • user-of-owls

        So THEY were the ones that capped Franz Ferdinand!

        • Gavrilo Princip libel!

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          I thought that was the Decemberists…

          • user-of-owls

            You hang around The Polyphonic Spree long enough, there's bound to be trouble.

      • And John Kerry's cowardly behavior in Vietnam as reflected by his Silver & Bronze Stars and three Purple Hearts.

        • I have a very good friend who got his Purple Heart 'coptering troops out of VN, who to this day will not give ground on this issue. He doesn't believe Kerry deserved his Purple Hearts or any of his awards.

          • user-of-owls

            OWS is responsible for his stubbornness.

          • Folks in the service are nominated for an award. That nomination is then reviewed by a panel who may agree & the nominee then gets the medal; may down grade the award say put in for a Silver Star and get downgraded to a Bronze Star. With the Purple Heart there isn't so much ambiguity, you either were wounded or not. One of my fellow spooks lost a front tooth to a spent round while shaving. He had a heavy blue beard and used a straight razor for shaving and almost slit his own throat reacting to losing the tooth. He got his Purple Heart for the tooth, not the 20-odd stitches in his neck that were self-inflicted.

          • The stubborn motherfucker got his own PH for the metal he's carrying around to this day, but will he give ground on this? No fucking way.

            I love my vet buddies. They only survived their various signups by being some of the hardest-headed motherfuckers ever to draw breath.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Well, the American Nazi Party has endorsed OWS and encouraged its members (all five) to go fight the "Jew Bankers." So clearly, that's OWS's fault.

      • user-of-owls

        All three members of the Communist Party USA back the protesters too. It stands to reason, then, that if it wasn't for OWS, Das Kapital never would have been written.

        • RadioOcupados

          Owls, you singlefeatheredly have spun the whole "you know who else" meme into a tizzy. You gave the answer, implicated all the usual suspects and made me laugh — concurrently. But, now I know how the 1% feels in trying to understand and destroy the OWS movement. FOLLOW THE RULES!!1! DAMMIT.

          • user-of-owls

            Ming the Merciless?

          • RadioOcupados

            Wouldn't you be Wing the Merciless?

          • Nothingisamiss


    • Well, FDR is responsible for the Depression and Obama is responsible for TARP and the auto bailouts as well as the 2008 crash. As these things all took place before those president's terms in office, conservatives apparently think the other side has time travel as well as sanity and facts in their arsenal.

    • fuflans

      wtf owls? then what is obama responsible for, hmmmmm?

      • user-of-owls

        He's responsible for OWS.

    • Negropolis

      Also, the crucifixtion of The Jesus.

      • user-of-owls

        It's much worse than that. OWS is responsible for The Passion of Christ.

        • Negropolis

          Good Lord; those monsters!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      If it wasn't for OWS, NOamore Gaddafi woudn't have been sodomized before he was killed, my sources say. He would have just had his head popped off with a rope instead.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I think it's time to occupy the Post's office.

    As a non-snarky aside, some of you may remember that I was going to be in NY but was concerned about going to OWS because I was afraid that *I* would punch some 1% Asshole in the throat. A number of you gave me very good advice about staying non-violent and holding true to the cause.

    Well a week ago I went to OWS and it was amazing. I couldn't have started a fight if my life depended on it. Everyone was so involved and aware and amazing, I was proud to be there. I even got to hang out there with my friend and her 9-year-old daughter (who I consider my niece). I have this amazing picture of me and my little white "niece" making peace signs in front of the drum circle. I will treasure it forever.

    So thank you Wonketteers for talking me down and convincing me to go. You were all in my thoughts. You guys rock!

    *wipes tears from eyes*

    We now return you to your usual snark… trucknutz, buttsecks, Santorum, Trig.

    • chascates
      • I b'leev the Indignados already *have* an #OccupyTheMedia plot thickening. They're no slackers.

    • Wow, that is … wonderful. Glad you went and got to see it for yourself. I'm trying to decide which one to go to — there's three within easy equidistance of me, and so far, they all seem just great. I'm surprised the city governments have been so nice to the Indignados so far. Probly all those old hippies in our government looking fondly back on the days when *they* hung out in the parks in protests, getting stoned, getting laid, and beating drums.

      Back to buttsex!

    • Jukesgrrl

      Thanks so much for the update. And I'm glad you took your niece. Gotta get them kiddies indoctrinated early. Up the rebels!

  • flamingpdog

    “The city is going crazy with demonstrations and protests, and I’m lucky if I can get four cars out there,” said Deputy Inspector Ted Berntsen, commander of the 13th precinct in Chelsea.

    Car 54 (and 53, 52, and 51), Where are you?

    • MzNicky

      I SWEAR this is so freakin' funny. I was JUST THINKING about the "Car 54 Where Are You?" theme song yesterday and was somewhat frightened to realize I could still remember all the lyrics from watching the show back in my childhood, except for the line "Brooklyn's broken out in fights." Thanx for the fill-in flamingpdog! I feel so complete.

  • rocktonsam

    good heavens, who are the victims here people?

    BILLO and FOX NEWZ are waiting for chaos,.

    Continue to be on your best behavior you guys.

    You're making a difference.

  • Completely made up story.

    Yet still better journalism than anything Erin Burnett seems capable of.

    • Srsly, Protestor? Huh?

    • Jukesgrrl

      She confused journalism with press releases at a very young age.

  • chascates

    This is the late 1960s all over again! Dirty, unAmerican dopehead commie/hippie/coloredz/gayz want, want, WANT!

    Want economic justice, want social justice, want equal opportunities, want to be heard, and want to make a difference for the better.

    BTW asshats, your flag decal still won't get you into heaven.

    • MzNicky

      How about my crackled peeling peace sign?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Want, want, want. Imagine, the nerve!!

  • OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA

    I don't have the numbers to back this up but everytime I see FOX on the lunchroom flatscreen, the crime rate in the OC shoots up 944%

    • user-of-owls

      One time, I mistakenly tuned my radio in to Limbaugh and something like a third of all Arkansans were murdered overnight.

      • OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA

        I know, I know. I abort 300 to 400 babies everytime I Sean Hannity's name…oh shit, there goes another hundred!

        • user-of-owls

          No shit, huh? I had a friend that was studying abroad back in April 1994 and was listening to the VOA when an ad for Laura Ingraham came on. Long story short, he was living in Kigali at the time

  • user-of-owls

    Needz moar Dead Rabbits.

    They had a dreadful fight, upon last Saturday night,
    The papers gave the news accordin ;
    Guns, pistols, clubs and sticks, hot water and old bricks,
    Which drove them on the other side of Jordan.

  • Fauxhemian

    My contribution to #OWS. Please pass it on. Thanks.

    • DaRooster

      Very nice…

    • MzNicky

      Wow. Very nice indeed. How might one share/pass this along?

      • If you have a Twitter or FB account, there's a Twitter/FB share button that comes up when you click the upfist. Alternatively, if you have a blog, you can copy the source code and embed on your blog. Even more alternatively, you can email the link to your friends/family.

    • flamingpdog

      Thanks for putting that up on Wonkette. Passing it along.

    • MzNicky

      Meaning, I guess, can I post to FB, etc.? Really love this.

    • Nice work indeed. Tweeted it.

  • poncho_pilot

    so what the Post did, would that be an example of Yellow Journalism? i'm going to just simplify it for myself and call it Urinalism.

    and the Post? let them eat cakes.

    • Yes, I DID see wotchu did there. Thought you'd catch the grouchy old fart napping, din'tcha?

  • They probably were the ones who told everyone Snake Plissken died.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The OWS protesters are now suspected of having sunk the U.S.S. Maine.

    • Negropolis

      Remember the Maine! Nevah fahget!

  • We can make shit up?! This is great.

    Andrew Breitbart has excellent personal hygiene, and had no association with the Special Olympics at any time.

    Texas governor Rick Perry does not own any Barbie dolls, pink plastic Corvettes for Barbie dolls, or My Little Pony "Pony in a Perm Shop" sets.

    Congressman Louis Gohmert graduated from high school with a regular diploma, did not receive special education services, and did not repeat any grades in school.

    • user-of-owls

      Glenn Beck did not rape and murder a young girl in 1990.

    • "Pony in a Perm Shop"? Are you SURE you spelled that correctly?

    • Jukesgrrl

      Rep. Joe Walsh is a family man who added a Cadillac Escalade to his wife's alimony last month and gives his kids allowance in addition to child support.

  • fuflans

    it's the fucking patchouli.

    • AJWjr.

      Shit's just nasty.

    • poncho_pilot

      pro tip: patchouli is not a shower.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Just tase and pepper spray the whole city.
    Geez. Easy peasy.

  • fuflans

    also: rick scott's drug law to benefit rick scott's wife's drug testing business temporarily blocked.

    it is news like this that keeps me among the living.

    and wonkette and sometimes bach.

  • Schmannnity

    Of course shootings are up. The Post forgot to mention OWS coincides with the beginning of the 99% hunting season. Hey, the 1% are entitled to their sport too.

    • tribbzthesquidz

      Be vewwy quiet. I'm hunting wadicals.

  • Negropolis

    The New York Post is like the Onion, only far less funny and less reliable. What a vulgar waste of pulp products.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Do their sports always involve rent boys or does it just seem like it?

  • owhatever

    After the rightwing Post made up the story, Hannity put it on the air with the usual graphix, thus now allowing the wingnuts to mutter even more.

    Also, the rise in shootings in New York correlates to Herman Cain's sudden rise in the Republican polls, according to an unnamed source who would not go on the record.

  • Antispandex

    Guns don't kill people, hippies…no, wait. I'm confused again.

  • unclejeems

    And here all along I thought Booth shot Lincoln. Well I'll be switched.

  • One could use the Faux News statistics–or, for fun, just make up some of your own–and write the story a bit differently.

    Yesterday Mayor Bloomberg fired Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly after months of rising gun violence in neighborhoods throughout the city due to the lack of officers on street patrol and anti-crime duties. The officers formerly assigned to these duties have been redeployed to control the crowds at the Occupy Wall Street encampment at Zuccotti Park.

    Kelly said that the orders for the heavy and constant police presence at the Occupy Wall Street site came from "the top". Kelly reports directly to Mayor Bloomberg.

    Etc. etc.

  • MLite

    I could see this being an issue with a Tea Party rally, but I thought the whole point about the "dirty hippies" is that they hate violence and guns? Why would the NYPD need the elite elite republican guard to police these protests? When the dreadlocked drum circles arm themselves, it will really be THE reLOVEution!

  • Somebody has to tell the mothers to go home to their children, because the men folk need to get back to their football.

  • dennis1943

    This kind of thing emboldens all kind of people……………..but i don't think the criminal element is one of them………….

  • Sorry, I'm a little confused as I haven't been hanging around the gheyz much lately, but isn't it considered a success if shirtless gay backup dancers take over your art gallery opening?

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