THE FINAL FRONTIER  1:26 pm October 24, 2011

Bored NASA Agents Now Invading Denny’s In Search of Moon Rocks

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Bravely going where few sane humans dare to go: Denny's.NASA had so much fun scaring the hell out of random horrified people by showering Earth with giant gobs of flaming scrap metal that they figured, “why break a streak?” So now they’re busy terrorizing and manhandling 74-year-old grandmother Joanne Davis for trying to sell a tiny speck of a moon rock that her late husband gave her to raise money for her ill son, because only NASA is allowed to have moon rocks according to NASA rules. Instead of just going to ask her about her nice little moon speck, however, the agency set up a full-blown fire ‘n brimstone sting operation and rained columns of officers in body armor on the elderly woman while she was having lunch, at her local Denny’s. Hooray for your taxpayer dollars at work!

The woman knew that she wouldn’t be able to sell the moon rock on Ebay or whatever, so she contacted NASA to ask if they wanted to buy it from her. WRONG MOVE.

From the AP:

Soon after settling into a booth, Davis said, she pulled out the moon sample and about half a dozen sheriff’s deputies and NASA investigators rushed into the eatery.

When officers in flack vests took a hold of her, the 4-foot-11 woman said she was so scared she lost control of her bladder and was taken outside to a parking lot, where she was questioned and detained for about two hours.

“They grabbed me and pulled me out of the booth,” Davis claimed. “I had very, very deep bruises on my left side.”

Lord. Someone just give these guys back their moon program to keep them out of trouble. [AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 275 comments }

nounverb911 October 24, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Did the cops pay for their meals before being allowed entry?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 24, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Sweet Jeebus, eating at Denny's is bad enough without NASA SWAT teams making busts right in the "dining" room.

tihond October 24, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Who wants to post a craigslist ad suggesting John McCain has moon rocks for sale?

nounverb911 October 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

All of them us, Katie.

johnnyzhivago October 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

You can't be TOO CAREFUL with people who are in posession of moon rocks.

weejee October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

NASA deserves a 21 bun salute. To make the math work have Perry join the party since he's half-assed.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

USA! USA! USA!

I hope Denny's gave them the reception receipt they deserve.
~

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I don't understand why those guys got so upset. "Border Ass Whole" sounds just like the sort of lunch they would go for.

johnnyzhivago October 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

They want you to THINK those alien xenomorph eggs are just harmless, inert moon rocks!

nounverb911 October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Needs more Ripley.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

They should have taken off and nuked the Denny's from orbit. Only way to be sure.

Terry October 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Its the hortas, back in time for revenge!

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Too much time in the garden. I thought you said "hostas." They're pretty peaceful kinda plants.

mormos October 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

…why can't people have moon rocks?

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2011 at 3:04 pm

If you didn't bring enough to share with the whole class, you should leave it at home.

emmelemm October 24, 2011 at 3:11 pm

If you have to ask….

DahBoner October 24, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Because America is full of TEATARDS.

That's why we can't have nice things, like moon rocks…..

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 24, 2011 at 1:30 pm

c'mon…NASA is just saving some taxpayer dough…do you know how much it cost to send 6 men to the actual moon to collect moon rocks?

caitifty October 24, 2011 at 6:28 pm

About 2.5 days worth of Pentagon funding?

NYNYNYjr October 24, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I agree. It so much easier to find people here on earth with moon rocks, beat them up and take their rocks. Until NASA has all the rocks.

Infrogmation October 27, 2011 at 7:54 am

Apollo program: $25.4 billion. Amount of moon material brought back by Apollo program: 381.7 kg. 25,400,000,000 / 381,700 = about $60,540 spent per gram of moon brought back, no?

proudgrampa October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Gratuitous World October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

So it took 6 NASA pencilpushers to corral the diabolical 74 year old woman? I hope they feel good about themselves..

Moonifest Destiny.

LesPaultard October 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

She was 4'11". You know how tough them bitches are?

chicken_thief October 24, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Dynamite comes in small packages!

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Don't mess with Betty White.

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 12:46 am

If y'all saw Snooki fight, you'd understand.

finallyhappy October 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm

When we got our IG, the investigators would run around with badges and tell you they could carry a gun(but they didn't) and then ask questions whose answers they couldn't understand anyway.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Sounds like a bad Russian novel.

weejee October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Will they Zappa any Moon Units too?

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

You leave The Great God Frank outa this, bud.

weejee October 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I'll get 'popped' if I bring in Dweezil?

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Bring in Dweezil *where*?

Weejee, you're not Richard Gere or anything IRL are you?

weejee October 24, 2011 at 2:44 pm

None gerbils. Just an olde Mothers fan & cheap punster.

Not_So_Much October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

How many jobs did this create? Tons, I'll bet…

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It's not easy to subdue those 4' 11" old broads AND leave deep bruises on them single-handed, yaknow.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 24, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Several lawyers are going to have an additional case and countersuit to work on, that's for sure.

Jukesgrrl October 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Maybe not jobs, but they certainly created work. Who do you think had to clean up after the bladder explosion. No government employee, would be my guess.

Wonderthing October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

"NASA Agents"? Somebody get these boys a secret decoder pin before they cause more grief.

SudsMcKenzie October 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

No one expects the NASA Inquisition.

CapnFatback October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

NASA became suspicious when she ordered the Moons over My Hammy.

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

…random horrified people and giant gobs of flaming scrap metal…

On my stretch of the 405 this is known as a Tuesday.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

The fucked up thing is that it's probably not even a real moon rock.

johnnyzhivago October 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

It's surprising they picked a Denny's for the raid: it's easy to mistake most of the menu for alien mucous tailings or extraterrestrial droppings..

RadioOcupados October 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

she was so scared she lost control of her bladder

Lucky for her that NASA also invented adult absorptive undergarments.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Poor thing! That must have been humiliating and terrifying for her to be jumped by a bunch of grown men like that. Hey, NASA — don't you fucks have ALIENS to bully or something?

I'ma send this to an ex-colleague who used to work for NASA — see what he has to say.

bflrtsplk October 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Moon rocks? I thought those were their burgers.

Crank_Tango October 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Good thing there won't be a NASA much longer.

EatsBabyDingos October 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Once outside, she was arrested for not paying for her coffee. I hope she got control of her bladder.

slithytoves October 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I have a five pound meteorite NASA can shove up its ass.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Good thing they didn't sic Buzz Aldrin on her.

CapnFatback October 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

she was so scared she lost control of her bladder

Can we truly chalk this up to fright? After all, she did just eat at Denny's.

finallyhappy October 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Wouldn't that have been bowel or stomach she lost control of?

CapnFatback October 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

There's a reason they call it the Strawberry Mango Pucker.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Yeah, that induced a pucker, all right. Right where the balloon knot goes.

chascates October 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

If it's that big a deal all the more reason we should return to the moon.

Help reduce the national debt by buying an aspirin-sized piece of the moon!

comrad_darkness October 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Fuck, seriously? Jesus Christ on an orbiting planetary body.

Goonemeritus October 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Now I feel bad, my Mom never sold anything on the black market for me

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

My Mom did, however, try to sell me on the black market once.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

So, it didn't work, and you're gonna tell us why?

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Well, if you are at all familiar with my postings here, it should be pretty obvious.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Shades of 'The Ransom of Red Chief'?

DerrickWildcat October 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Some things are very very old like those big trees in California or that old cactus in the desert. I have a rock collection that has some pretty old rocks, but I think that rocks from the Moon might be the oldest kind of rocks in the world! It's a pretty important kind of rock and it's a good idea that it should be protected from people that might drop it and break it.

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Yes! Take granny down! Those lil' old ladies used to ram me with their shopping carts when I worked at a grocery store as a teen.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

That's because they LOVE BACON!

fuflans October 24, 2011 at 3:18 pm

and i'm quite sure you did nothing anything at all to provoke granny.

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Honestly I didn't. They would just come at me like I was an electromagnet.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Everytime I look at your av, I want to come at you like you was an electromagnet. With a knife and fork.

Callyson October 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

To boldly go after an old lady with a sick kid…

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Ha — I'd like to see NASA prove they got that moon rock themselves. C'mon assholes, if you got that rock, you can surely go back and get another one, right? Let's see it. I'm waiting…

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Once again, the Moon is safe for Freedom!!!!

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 1:40 pm

needs more Metal Munching Mice.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 24, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Is that you, Cloyd?

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

In this case, the rock in question was a piece of a larger perfectly rectangular rock that was found on the moon back in 2001.

GorzoTheMighty October 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Hal, Is that you?

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Oh, STOP. Like I'm not paranoid enough as it is, even WITH medication.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You're not paranoid; it's all true.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

You know I'll be thinking of you tonight as I toss and turn in bed all red-eyed and full of insomniac hate for the world, right?

Just checking.

yyyaz October 24, 2011 at 9:59 pm

You think you have it bad: I'm a paranoid, dyslexic, agnostic imsomniac. I sweat streams at night wondering if Dog has it in for me.

DeathofKoalas October 25, 2011 at 5:25 am

Do you mean Saddam's missing WMD?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Again, this is another thing that would be better done by the private sector instead of the government. If NASA was run by Halliburton, do you think you would ever hear from Ms. Davis again?

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Or Xe. Of course, they would have sprayed the crowd with automatic weapons and taken out at least 17.

RadioOcupados October 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

This is like the time when the Catholic Church tried to shake me down for a few splinters of wood.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Were they offering to ram them under your fingernails?

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA October 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Hey, this was an episode of Matlock!

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Go ahead, make fun of the little brown people and their cars. When you get run over by a herd of galumphing Nanos, don't come crying to ME is all.

proudgrampa October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I have been waiting for Captain Kirk to come back to Earth and tell us how we have screwed up. He just did. DON'T steal moon rocks!!!

PuckStopsHere October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

They came in peace for all mankind.

chicken_thief October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

In an unrelated story, Denny's is now hiring wait and bus staff after their entire crew vanished like cockroaches into the woodwork during the sting operation that nabbed 74 yr old Joanne Davis.

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Of course the real scandal is she abandoned her ill son to go eat at Denny's. The filth.

el_donaldo October 24, 2011 at 1:43 pm

NASA has investigators? Because the things you really need to keep your eyes on are air and space. Tricky devils, those.

finallyhappy October 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Did you also post the (similar) comment about the Air and Space Museum?

el_donaldo October 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

No, but I'll take credit for it, certainly.

ManchuCandidate October 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

New CSI franchise, CSI: Moonbase Alpha,

CBS, I would like 5 million dollars thanks,

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

only if they use Boris The Spider as the theme song.

simplyblue7 October 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

in their defense, nerds usually need all the strength they can get to take down a woman.

RadioOcupados October 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Freedom Rocks!!1!

JoshuaNorton October 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I"ve seen their Grand Slam specials. There were things on the plate that could very well be moon rocks. Either that, or their cooks don't have any concept of what "over easy" means when it comes to egg orders.

Crank_Tango October 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I lived most of my adult life up until a couple of years ago thinking that "over easy" meant that they didn't smash the eggs when flipping them.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

only NASA is allowed to have moon rocks according to NASA rules.

Who died and made them God?

When officers in flack vests took a hold of her, the 4-foot-11 woman said she was so scared she lost control of her bladder and was taken outside to a parking lot, where she was questioned and detained for about two hours.

This is why I'm not a big fan of the police. Every time I've interacted with them, it's been a bad experience. Even when my house was broken into all they did was make a mess with the fingerprint powder, took a bloody sheet, and never contacted me again.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

The housebreakers bloodied your bed linens? What the fuck?

CapnFatback October 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

took a bloody sheet

Eeew! I hope you made them clean the toileet after they took eet.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2011 at 3:16 pm

The idiots broke a large pickle jar full of coins that was in the bedroom and cut the crap out of one of their hand's. Karma, baby!

Indiepalin October 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"Hey Beavis, he said bladder control"!

GeorgiaBurning October 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I think I've been to that Denny's; why can't this lady just sell drugs in the parking lot like the regular customers??

EatsBabyDingos October 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

At least she only lost control of her bladder. If she had lost control of her mind, she would have had to take a job at Fox Gnus as a bewilderbeast.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

"bewilderbeast" is simply priceless! Many upfists (mostly virtual)!

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

I don't know why I laughed so hard. In fact, I laughed so hard that I nearly lost control of my bladder, as well.

Today, we are all octogenarians with fright-spent bladders.

metamarcisf October 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Headline of the day (Breitbart):

"Gaddafi Sodomized With Stick Before Execution"

RedneckMuslin October 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

And we get moon rocks over here at Wonkette.

Although I still prefer Wonkette. Still, buttsecks over at Breitbart.

ManchuCandidate October 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

To be fair, every day is Anal Sex Day at Bitpart's

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:28 pm

He doesn't ALWAYS get any. F'rinstance, he hasn't been able to lay a paw on Riley Waggaman for a while now.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Gaddafi would've shot anyone who said he was gay.

PubOption October 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I didn't realize that the NYPD were involved.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Meh. Phil Leotardo did the same thing to Vito Spatafore on the Sopranos, several years ago… Life imitates art?

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Big deal. Breitbart insists on being sodomized with a stick every morning while he has his coffee.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Well, stop giving him what he wants.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 4:07 pm

a butt plug shaped like an acorn? he's quite the squirrelly character.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 6:15 pm

I love you, buddy. But I never want to discuss Andrew NotSoBrightBart's anal fetishes with you again, OK? Just sayin'.

Beetagger October 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

See, this is why we can't have nice things in America anymore.

Giveusabob October 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

And chunks of granite in dimebags are considered nice things now? Guess I better get that roadside booth going for hawking fresh roadkill.

Allmighty_Manos October 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

"74-year-old grandmother Joanne Davis for trying to sell a tiny speck of a moon rock that her late husband gave her to raise money for her ill son"

That's Neil Armstrong folks. Way to keep it classy NASA

SorosBot October 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

How could she have a moon rock when the moon landing was obviously faked on a Hollywood soundstage by Stanley Kubrick which was discovered by OJ Simpson that's why NASA framed him and crazyinsaneranting?

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 2:17 pm

HAARP Chemtrails hollow earth RON PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Lizard Peeps!

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Those taste much better than the bunny and chick kind.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I *worry* about you, sometimes.

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm

You know who else was so scared after being entrapped that they peed their pants?

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

My dog

(He submissively urinates when cornered)

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Aw, poor little puppy! Please tell me you're not one of those MEAN fuckers that corners him just to see him piss himself.

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm

NO! Who's floor do you think he pisses on? I gotta clean that up. Lord Singen-Smith III Duke of Butt-Sniff has some canine hierarchy issues.

ProudLibunatic October 24, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I wish I had loads of upfists to give you for that name!
(What do you call him?)

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Gee, I thought he saved it for the great outdoors. Poor li'l guy. Rub his head for me anyway.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Michelle Bachmann?

102415 October 24, 2011 at 11:48 pm

That astronaut lady who drove all that way to kill that bitch? No? Sorry.

RedneckMuslin October 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

When the moon hits the eye like a big pizza pie that's aDenny's.

Really, I got nothing. Waiting all morning to rebut Michele's wackiness yesterday and all that's here is moon rocks.

OT Just In: New Orleans just scored again against the Indianapolis Colts.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

If it makes you feel any better, RS is carrying a headline that says Mich-one-L wants hospitals to treat people for free. The comments section is melting down over there.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I looked all over the Rolling Stone website before I figured out your RS meant something else.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Oops, sorry, Raw Story. Duh.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Thank goodness. I thought you meant Red State.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Blueb4sunrise October 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Was there a super-secret name for this op?

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Operation Green Cheese Omelet?

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Operation Basalt and Battery?

DerrickWildcat October 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I saw this documentary about this special rock from space that had this weird oily jello in it. The interesting thing is that it wasn't just oily jello, it was some kind of space worm that could actually get into your nose and eyes (or maybe go through your skin if you had a recent owie) and takeover your brain. This might have been one of those kind of space rocks. So it's a good idea that they got it.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

You cribbed that from a Heinlein novel. Admit it.

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2011 at 3:10 pm
PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:13 pm

ZOMG, another Trekker!

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2011 at 3:18 pm

"Meteor Shit!"

DerrickWildcat October 24, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I saw it on the X-Files Documentary show.

102415 October 24, 2011 at 11:50 pm

The Thing starring Steve McQueen.

OccupyFnChicken October 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I would have thought the moon to be prior art.

HarryButtle October 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

NASA saw the FBI gettin' away with their terrist entrapment schemes and wanted to get in on the fun, so they traded in their pocket protectors for shoulder holsters and took down granny! Who can blame them?

El Pinche October 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

THIS IS HOW REVOLUTTIONS START!1!!

JustPixelz October 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I wish I could get some "moon rock", if that's what the kids are calling it these days.

I'll never order "Moon Over My Hammy" again. (There was no chance of that anyway.)

Moon rocks don't belong to NASA. I read in the Washington Times they're owned by the Moonies.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Werner von Braun approves.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm

The moonrock is a harsh mistress.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Heinlein's all OVER this thread.

widestanceshakedown October 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

It couldn't have been easy subduing the woman in those bulky suits, but I do hope some lunar virus was unleashed upon them.

finallyhappy October 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Poprocks are back- anyone can buy a whole packet of them!

EatsBabyDingos October 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Tractor beans.

owhatever October 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Her reaction was proper…piss on them.

ApplesauceRobot October 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Was she screaming "KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNN" as they dragged her out?

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:13 pm

"NASA investigators"

I'm sorry, but all I can visualize is skinny middle-aged guys in crew cuts, penny loafers, white button-down shirts, skinny ties, pocket protectors, slide rules in belt holders, and birth-control glasses (aka Clark Kents).

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

"birth control glasses"? FTW.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Even more effective if repaired at the bridge with a bit of white adhesive tape.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I use that silver duct-tape stuff. Wears better.

SorosBot October 24, 2011 at 2:54 pm

What's a slide rule?

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 3:04 pm

It's a little-remembered evolutionary technology, the missing link between the abacus and the pocket calculator.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Are they collector's items now? Are people paying top $$$ for a touch of the nerd past? Cuz I'll bet I have one or two lying around somewhere.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2011 at 7:55 am

I know I've got a K&E that belonged to my dad that looks like it's never even been used, but I think they are more like 8mm film projectors. I found one of those in real nice shape when I bought a house several years ago, thinking "wow I bet I can get some good dough for this" and then figuring out that there was one in every fucking attic in America.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

OK, clearly we've been cutting back on the WRONG stuff, like, you know, cops and firefighters and stuff. We NEED them. We DON'T need NASA to have a SturmAbteilung shaking down old ladies at Denny's. If they're willing to serve as bodyguards for #occupy, they can keep their jobs. Otherwise, it's out with the fucking lot of them.

Jeez, you can't make this shit up if you try.

RadioOcupados October 24, 2011 at 2:43 pm

File under Moonland Security.

DonnyKerabotsos October 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Did Steven Segall make an appearance? What about Dog (or Dawg or Doug or whatever he calls himself ) the Bounty Hunter? No?

This cluster fuck has reality TV written all over it. I'm thinking Reno 911. Also.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

This is what happens when you cut NASA's budget — you get a bunch of nerds who've watched too much CSI:Miami arresting an old woman for selling something no one can prove they own to care for her sick son.

Ironic or not ironic: She might have more than enough money to pay for her son's medical bills once she sues the holy living shit out NASA and the cops for false arrest.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Actually, it's pretty easy to establish if a rock came from the moon, and of course there's only one agency that's ever been there; however, the petrologic process you would have to go through in order to establish the provenance of the specimen would leave you with only a thin slice of the original rock, and a bunch of moon powder.

jus_wonderin October 24, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Moon powder. I bet a snout of that would be a buzzing high.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Actually, it's pretty easy to establish if a rock came from the moon set where they faked the moon landing, and of course there's only one agency that's ever been there …

Fixed for MOAR CONSPIRACY THEORY.

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

OCCUPY THE MOON!

CapnFatback October 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

And should that prove too difficult, let's blow it up!

SorosBot October 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

M-O-O-N, that spells ludicrous authoritarian overreaction.

emmelemm October 24, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Good one.

mavenmaven October 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Fascists in Space!

SheriffRoscoe October 24, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Eat a good diet with plenty of fiber and you won't have to worry about moon rocks.

JoshuaNorton October 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Coming up on the next episode of "The Big Bang Theory"…..

Arken October 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Hey. Moon rocks are valuable. It's not like there's a whole planetoid full of them out there somewhere.

weejee October 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Speaking of moonings, sorta. The Gawker has a modest Cocktober Surprise. Something about Repug mayor's picture on a rentboy site.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 2:43 pm
weejee October 24, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Gah. I wuz flying to SFO so missed the Friday posts. Gah².

DaRooster October 24, 2011 at 2:43 pm

So… she won't be needing to sell anything to pay for her son's illness…
Ain't lawsuits wonderful!!

Come here a minute October 24, 2011 at 2:45 pm

With the money spent on "Operation Scare the Piss out of Granny", NASA could have paid for the son's medical expenses, or a new son.

slowhansolo October 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm

"On the moon, Meatwad, we have advanced beyond rules and manners."

ttommyunger October 24, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Damn yes!

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Good, you're back! So? Son will be home from Iraq soon, right? Happy?

iburl October 24, 2011 at 2:58 pm

If only we had the capability to actually go to the moon anymore, or into space at all, then maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal.

smoothmineral October 24, 2011 at 3:03 pm

"she was so scared she lost control of her bladder"
I heard the same thing happened to Marcus Bachman on his wedding night.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Would YOU be able to control your bladder when faced with THOSE EYES?

jus_wonderin October 24, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I would think my "moon rocks" would shrink back up.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:39 pm

HaHA!

Barrelhse October 24, 2011 at 3:03 pm

OT- Albany cops and NY State Police defy order to arrest peaceful protesters at Occupy Albany.

prommie October 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Yay! Yay, I say.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Thank you! There is now an OccupyPolice.org and an OccupyMarines.org. OccupyPolice is doing outreach to get ALL police departments across the nation signed up with #OWS.

Children, I believe we're trembling on the edge of revolution.

prommie October 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Ok, let me get this straight; the investigators went online and posed as underage moonrock buyers, and arranged this moonrock tryst? Sooooo many people getting arrested these days for conspiring with federal and state cops who are pretending to be 13 year old girls and moon rock buyers and Iranian intelligence agents and Al Quaeda bogeymen. Conspiring with imaginary fictitious characters to commit imaginary crimes must be one of the most frequently prosecuted crimes, lately. My favorite was the poor sap here in New Jersey, he had one set of FBI guys approach him and say "hey, man, we have stinger missiles for sale, cheap." Then another set of FBI guys approached him and said "hey, man, we need to score some stinger missiles." He introduced the one set of FBI agents to the other set of FBI agents, who pretended to do this deal, and was promptly arrested for helping one set of pretend-terrorists buy non-existent missiles from another set of pretend-terrorists. USA! USA! Fuck yah!

flamingpdog October 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Granny should have dropped trou and mooned the guys.

mrbubb October 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

The officers took "a hold" [sic] of her? So we can't even trust wire reporters to use English correctly? That's almost as grievous a sin as whatever the fuck NASA does now that we don't have a space program.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

At least they didn't say "a-holt." We must be grateful for small mercies.

GFPcat October 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Gees..with this and the Apple police searching that guy's place for the 'stolen' iPhone, who knew nerds would turn out to be so bold.

gurukalehuru October 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

She was ready to sell the items to NASA for $1.7 million. I think that's exactly what they should be forced to pay her. Plus court costs. Maybe a little bit extra for emotional injury and whatnot.

fuflans October 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

laugh all you want, but this is how the great chinese moon war will begin.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Man, this blazing one-post-every-three-hours pace really makes the workday drag. I reckon I'm gonna have to go register to comment over at Salon or Think Progress.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Try not to beat the shit out of all the kiddies over there.

ttommyunger October 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Don't encourage them, they's post all sorts of drivel if you do that.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:49 pm

I hear the voice of experience speaking.

ttommyunger October 25, 2011 at 10:35 am

I am an expert on drivel. Want proof? Read my comments.

WhatTheHeck October 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

When the moon hitsa your eye
with a rock from the skynet
thats amore

Mahousu October 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Excerpts from my personal list of "100 things never to do":

13. Try to sell moon rocks to NASA
….
27. Eat at Denny's

If only I had sent her a copy of the list beforehand.

Tundra Grifter October 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm

If the NASA agents got right into Denny's, it's obvious they weren't Black.

Remember OJ's alibi? He didn't do it – he was waiting for his dinner at Denny's.

Chet Kincaid October 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Whoops, better cancel that "Alien Autopsy Dingus" auction!

Tundra Grifter October 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

It's not a "sting" if the person who got took knows she or he got took. That's a set-up, an undercover operation, entrapment – but it ain't a sting.

How many old NASA space suits and helmets and other items of equipment are for sale out there? Why didn't NASA give a damn about those things?

Antispandex October 24, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Everyone knows Pet Rocks are fine to possess. She should have just named it and told those petty bureaucrats to stuff it!

neiltheblaze October 24, 2011 at 3:46 pm

What's with all the bullying old women these days? Between the State of Tennessee and NASA I'm starting to think these assholes all have oedipal issues or were raised by evil grandmas or something.

BaldarTFlagass October 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm

In related news, the US Geologic Survey, in cooperation with the National Park Service, arrested an 8-year-old kid who stole a teaspoon of white gypsum "sand" from White Sands National Monument in New Mexico during his family's summer vacation in July of this year. "The family is lucky they didn't visit Petrified Forest too, or the kid might be facing life without parole," a spokesman was quoted as saying.

DerrickWildcat October 24, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I would like new story please.

DahBoner October 24, 2011 at 3:58 pm

"“They grabbed me and pulled me out of the booth"

GOOD LUCK, MR. GORKSKY!!!

//wink, wink

Indiepalin October 24, 2011 at 4:06 pm

In a related story, the State of Louisiana has banned cash sales of second hand goods in places like thrift shops and garage sales (?) and is also requiring background information on all such sales be submitted to the government. In Soviet Russia, you can always find party; in Louisiana, party find you!

Chet Kincaid October 24, 2011 at 4:09 pm

OT, but the banner for my new fantasy series goes into rotation on Wonkette next week. In a world where tommy guns and elixirs collide, Dark Elves battle immigrant Leprechauns for control of the the Magical Vices in 1920s Brooklyn.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Magical Vices. Sounds delicious.

Chet Kincaid October 24, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Thanks. I'm calling the whole epic "ElvesMead Empire." The first few volumes are "Of Spells And Speakeasies", "Drinkromancer", "The Grimoire Of The Gun" and "Fairy Crimewave."

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I'll watch for the banner. I won't need a Kindle, will I? Because I don't have one.

BTW, I can hear the movie promo narrator's deep, dramatic voice, "In a world where tommy guns and elixirs collide…"

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 6:17 pm

"Fairy Crimewave" sounds like the GayDayParade when the queens start getting royally pissed off with all the straight white tourists in buses and give 'em what for.

meatlofer October 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I once got my rocks off mooning a guy named Denny.

BarackMyWorld October 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm

THIS IS OBAMA'S AMERICA!

Indiepalin October 24, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I will continue to post upside-down retread jokes from the archives of Yakov Smirnoff until you run story on Michele Bachmann calling for free hospital care.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm

We should hire you for the enhanced interrogation program.

dennis1943 October 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

"Professional" law enforcement practicing the soon to become "standard operating procedure"………

barto October 24, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Damn, she should have swallowed it. Then the real fun would begin!

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi October 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm

NASA's Homeland Police State Storm Troopers

well-paid 'n' fun for all

a_pink_poodle October 24, 2011 at 7:58 pm

What a ridiculous mission poster. That is a silhouette of the NX-01 which was built around the middle of the 22nd century while the uniforms the crew are wearing are clearly from around the middle of the 24th century! There is a discrepancy of 200 years here, people! Second of all, one of those red shirts better bet the Captain and/or Commander because red is a command color in Starfleet whereas both engineering and tactical officers wear the yellow.

Am I off topic here?

ttommyunger October 24, 2011 at 8:31 pm

There were initially 15 agents assigned to take granny down inside the restaurant, but several of them were near, so they had to wait out in the parking lot.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Pow! Sock! Wham!

Denny's makes Teh Nearz wait outside too? Well, there go MY hopes of ever dining at Denny's.

ttommyunger October 25, 2011 at 10:34 am

Lucky you!

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 1:09 am

When we used to go to Denny's and Denny-type restaurants (especially if we were in the South) and they tried to seat us at the back or near the bathrooms, my dad would tell the hosts very politely "Oh, we'll wait until another table opens up." I didn't understand what was going on for the longest time, but he realized this shit was happening way before it hit the news.

ttommyunger October 25, 2011 at 10:37 am

The World is truly full of assholes. Good for your dad!

PristinePantalones October 29, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Wow, they actually did this kind of shit. Why am I surprised? Actually, I'm not surprised, just shocked and disgusted that we still have these small-minded schmucks among us. Kudos to your father for standing up to them without losing his dignity and self-respect.

Negropolis October 25, 2011 at 12:41 am

You know, it's things like this where I sympathize with the Tea Party's belief system for, oh…about two seconds. Seriously, this is some fucked up shit.

Hey, Bolden? Exercize some control over your employee-bullies, okay?

tribbzthesquidz October 25, 2011 at 1:09 am

NASA: Wired or Tired?

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2011 at 3:04 pm

My bet's on "Cuddles."

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Butters or Ducky (a variation of Duke).

I used to have a French Bulldogs and his name was Monsieur Boeuf la Tete. Which was French for Mr. Beef Head.

jus_wonderin October 24, 2011 at 3:25 pm

My dogs name is not as good but I named her Ripley, first name Ellen. She's a Doxie and I figure she and Ripley have that can do attitude.

"Get away from her, you bitch!"

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 3:25 pm

He's a goooooood doooooooog. Just nervous.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I dunno abt cheap, you do all right and I'll bet your day rate is high too.

I sure miss Frank. He would've had a field day skewering all the assholes that abound in this world.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

It is my sacred ambition to do a cabaret show with a set that included 'Creep, 'Loser', and finish up with 'Mother People':

"Do you think that my pants are too tight?
Do you think that I'm creepy?
Lemme take a minute & tell you my plan
Lemme take a minute & tell who I am
If it doesn't show
Think you better know
I'm another person
Better look around before you say you don't care
Shut your fuckin' mouth about the length of my hair
How would you survive
If you were alive
Shitty little person?"

That song would be quite appropriate for the Fox and Fiends wankers, come to think of it.

I also love 'Concentration Moon', which might be a little too appropriate for our times.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Poor thing. I used to carry dog treats in my pocket when walking my old fella, because he didn't like that dominant/submissive mounting thing dogs love to do. Distract the nice doggie with a treat and they forget all about wanting to ass-fuck the other dog, temporarily.

baconzgood October 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm

He's an English Bulldog so I figured he needed a good name. Hell he's got breeding.

Dok-cupy Everything October 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I named my labradork "Paxil" because he was a very effective antidepressant.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Gezus, no, I can't be there longer than ten seconds without breaking out in boils all over. Srsly, I hang with some pretty wretched fuckers (I'm HERE, ain't I?) but those people are WAY more than even I can tolerate.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Ahahahaha! Concentration Moon with the crazy motherfucker screaming "Sieg Heil!" is one of my faves.

Green Hotel is pretty good for these times too. Damn, that man died too soon.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

i can't make any promises.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 7:32 pm

I'm wondering when Dylan is gonna open a can of whup ass on these mofos.

I know (hope) he's still got it in him to write another 'Masters of War' or 'It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding').

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 7:37 pm

At least Erick Son of Erick slapped down Rush Limbaugh on his stupid 'Lord's Resistance Army' story, which means he has more balls than anyone else in the Republican Party, except Jim Inhofe.

But in his post about how Limbaugh had it all back assward, the comments were still, "Yeah, but Obama really is a secret Muslin who wants to kill Christians." That was my first and last visit.

Jukesgrrl October 24, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Does he really need to write other ones. The originals work just fine.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 8:58 pm

He doesn't *need* to, but I'd love some topical, up-to-the-minute Dylan rage calling these clowns out.

It is weird how topical his sixties stuff is right now, though.

"Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn’t talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony"

Who would have thought, all these years later, we'd still be fighting THAT battle? Not me. But then I always was a little over-optimistic.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Cold, man. That's real cold.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 9:17 pm

well, i'll see what i can do. how's that?

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I'm going away for a few days, and I won't have Wonketz to kick around any more. So I'll accept that.

But I'll be back, and then it's swords at dawn, fella.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Wow, really? Who'd'a thunk? I mean, I just about *plotzed* when Inhofe called Limpballs on that shit. Imagine that, Inhofe, who once walked with dinosaurs, actually crossing The Great AssBoil. The last Repub who did that had to crawl on hands and knees to kiss Limpdick's ring after several groveling public apologies.

There's Hope.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm

wait! if i can't talk about Breitheart Bear's sexual proclivities then neither can you.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Dang! Obvy, I didn't think this through.

OK, duel off. We're back to NotSoBrightBart's anal pear.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 9:54 pm

anal pair? i always thought his mouth was actually a second asshole.

RavenRant October 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Oy Gevalt! If our hope rests in Erick Erickson and Jim Inhofe… But it was a rare moment of semi-honesty and semi-courage from two (2) whole Republicans.

I guess we take what we can get.

Did you notice how many wingers just had *crickets* on this story.

There's actually a 'college professor' named Donald Douglas who posted a spirited, albeit imbecilic, defense of Limbaugh on this topic:
http://americanpowerblog.blogspot.com/2011/10/aud

Check the comments.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Sure looks that way, don't it? Rubber ring.

poncho_pilot October 24, 2011 at 10:35 pm

but i hardly even know her.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:39 pm

ZOMG, what a slut. YOU, not her. Whoever she is.

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Spirited defense! Good work!

RavenRant October 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Thanks!

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