the final frontier

Bored NASA Agents Now Invading Denny’s In Search of Moon Rocks

Bravely going where few sane humans dare to go: Denny's.NASA had so much fun scaring the hell out of random horrified people by showering Earth with giant gobs of flaming scrap metal that they figured, “why break a streak?” So now they’re busy terrorizing and manhandling 74-year-old grandmother Joanne Davis for trying to sell a tiny speck of a moon rock that her late husband gave her to raise money for her ill son, because only NASA is allowed to have moon rocks according to NASA rules. Instead of just going to ask her about her nice little moon speck, however, the agency set up a full-blown fire ‘n brimstone sting operation and rained columns of officers in body armor on the elderly woman while she was having lunch, at her local Denny’s. Hooray for your taxpayer dollars at work!

The woman knew that she wouldn’t be able to sell the moon rock on Ebay or whatever, so she contacted NASA to ask if they wanted to buy it from her. WRONG MOVE.

From the AP:

Soon after settling into a booth, Davis said, she pulled out the moon sample and about half a dozen sheriff’s deputies and NASA investigators rushed into the eatery.

When officers in flack vests took a hold of her, the 4-foot-11 woman said she was so scared she lost control of her bladder and was taken outside to a parking lot, where she was questioned and detained for about two hours.

“They grabbed me and pulled me out of the booth,” Davis claimed. “I had very, very deep bruises on my left side.”

Lord. Someone just give these guys back their moon program to keep them out of trouble. [AP]

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    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Sweet Jeebus, eating at Denny's is bad enough without NASA SWAT teams making busts right in the "dining" room.

  1. OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA

    c'mon…NASA is just saving some taxpayer dough…do you know how much it cost to send 6 men to the actual moon to collect moon rocks?

    1. NYNYNYjr

      I agree. It so much easier to find people here on earth with moon rocks, beat them up and take their rocks. Until NASA has all the rocks.

    2. Infrogmation

      Apollo program: $25.4 billion. Amount of moon material brought back by Apollo program: 381.7 kg. 25,400,000,000 / 381,700 = about $60,540 spent per gram of moon brought back, no?

    1. finallyhappy

      When we got our IG, the investigators would run around with badges and tell you they could carry a gun(but they didn't) and then ask questions whose answers they couldn't understand anyway.

          1. RavenRant

            It is my sacred ambition to do a cabaret show with a set that included 'Creep, 'Loser', and finish up with 'Mother People':

            "Do you think that my pants are too tight?
            Do you think that I'm creepy?
            Lemme take a minute & tell you my plan
            Lemme take a minute & tell who I am
            If it doesn't show
            Think you better know
            I'm another person
            Better look around before you say you don't care
            Shut your fuckin' mouth about the length of my hair
            How would you survive
            If you were alive
            Shitty little person?"

            That song would be quite appropriate for the Fox and Fiends wankers, come to think of it.

            I also love 'Concentration Moon', which might be a little too appropriate for our times.

          2. PristinePantalones

            Ahahahaha! Concentration Moon with the crazy motherfucker screaming "Sieg Heil!" is one of my faves.

            Green Hotel is pretty good for these times too. Damn, that man died too soon.

          3. RavenRant

            I'm wondering when Dylan is gonna open a can of whup ass on these mofos.

            I know (hope) he's still got it in him to write another 'Masters of War' or 'It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding').

          4. RavenRant

            He doesn't *need* to, but I'd love some topical, up-to-the-minute Dylan rage calling these clowns out.

            It is weird how topical his sixties stuff is right now, though.

            "Old lady judges watch people in pairs
            Limited in sex, they dare
            To push fake morals, insult and stare
            While money doesn’t talk, it swears
            Obscenity, who really cares
            Propaganda, all is phony"

            Who would have thought, all these years later, we'd still be fighting THAT battle? Not me. But then I always was a little over-optimistic.

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Several lawyers are going to have an additional case and countersuit to work on, that's for sure.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Maybe not jobs, but they certainly created work. Who do you think had to clean up after the bladder explosion. No government employee, would be my guess.

  2. OC_Surf_Serf_#OLA

    …random horrified people and giant gobs of flaming scrap metal…

    On my stretch of the 405 this is known as a Tuesday.

  3. RadioOcupados

    she was so scared she lost control of her bladder

    Lucky for her that NASA also invented adult absorptive undergarments.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Poor thing! That must have been humiliating and terrifying for her to be jumped by a bunch of grown men like that. Hey, NASA — don't you fucks have ALIENS to bully or something?

      I'ma send this to an ex-colleague who used to work for NASA — see what he has to say.

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    Once outside, she was arrested for not paying for her coffee. I hope she got control of her bladder.

  5. CapnFatback

    she was so scared she lost control of her bladder

    Can we truly chalk this up to fright? After all, she did just eat at Denny's.

  6. chascates

    If it's that big a deal all the more reason we should return to the moon.

    Help reduce the national debt by buying an aspirin-sized piece of the moon!

  7. DerrickWildcat

    Some things are very very old like those big trees in California or that old cactus in the desert. I have a rock collection that has some pretty old rocks, but I think that rocks from the Moon might be the oldest kind of rocks in the world! It's a pretty important kind of rock and it's a good idea that it should be protected from people that might drop it and break it.

  8. baconzgood

    Yes! Take granny down! Those lil' old ladies used to ram me with their shopping carts when I worked at a grocery store as a teen.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Ha — I'd like to see NASA prove they got that moon rock themselves. C'mon assholes, if you got that rock, you can surely go back and get another one, right? Let's see it. I'm waiting…

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    In this case, the rock in question was a piece of a larger perfectly rectangular rock that was found on the moon back in 2001.

          1. yyyaz

            You think you have it bad: I'm a paranoid, dyslexic, agnostic imsomniac. I sweat streams at night wondering if Dog has it in for me.

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Again, this is another thing that would be better done by the private sector instead of the government. If NASA was run by Halliburton, do you think you would ever hear from Ms. Davis again?

    1. RavenRant

      Or Xe. Of course, they would have sprayed the crowd with automatic weapons and taken out at least 17.

  12. RadioOcupados

    This is like the time when the Catholic Church tried to shake me down for a few splinters of wood.

  13. proudgrampa

    I have been waiting for Captain Kirk to come back to Earth and tell us how we have screwed up. He just did. DON'T steal moon rocks!!!

  14. chicken_thief

    In an unrelated story, Denny's is now hiring wait and bus staff after their entire crew vanished like cockroaches into the woodwork during the sting operation that nabbed 74 yr old Joanne Davis.

  15. Generation[redacted]

    Of course the real scandal is she abandoned her ill son to go eat at Denny's. The filth.

  16. JoshuaNorton

    I"ve seen their Grand Slam specials. There were things on the plate that could very well be moon rocks. Either that, or their cooks don't have any concept of what "over easy" means when it comes to egg orders.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I lived most of my adult life up until a couple of years ago thinking that "over easy" meant that they didn't smash the eggs when flipping them.

  17. Oblios_Cap

    only NASA is allowed to have moon rocks according to NASA rules.

    Who died and made them God?

    When officers in flack vests took a hold of her, the 4-foot-11 woman said she was so scared she lost control of her bladder and was taken outside to a parking lot, where she was questioned and detained for about two hours.

    This is why I'm not a big fan of the police. Every time I've interacted with them, it's been a bad experience. Even when my house was broken into all they did was make a mess with the fingerprint powder, took a bloody sheet, and never contacted me again.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        The idiots broke a large pickle jar full of coins that was in the bedroom and cut the crap out of one of their hand's. Karma, baby!

  18. GeorgiaBurning

    I think I've been to that Denny's; why can't this lady just sell drugs in the parking lot like the regular customers??

  19. EatsBabyDingos

    At least she only lost control of her bladder. If she had lost control of her mind, she would have had to take a job at Fox Gnus as a bewilderbeast.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know why I laughed so hard. In fact, I laughed so hard that I nearly lost control of my bladder, as well.

      Today, we are all octogenarians with fright-spent bladders.

    1. RedneckMuslin

      And we get moon rocks over here at Wonkette.

      Although I still prefer Wonkette. Still, buttsecks over at Breitbart.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Meh. Phil Leotardo did the same thing to Vito Spatafore on the Sopranos, several years ago… Life imitates art?

    3. Generation[redacted]

      Big deal. Breitbart insists on being sodomized with a stick every morning while he has his coffee.

    1. Giveusabob

      And chunks of granite in dimebags are considered nice things now? Guess I better get that roadside booth going for hawking fresh roadkill.

  20. Allmighty_Manos

    "74-year-old grandmother Joanne Davis for trying to sell a tiny speck of a moon rock that her late husband gave her to raise money for her ill son"

    That's Neil Armstrong folks. Way to keep it classy NASA

  21. SorosBot

    How could she have a moon rock when the moon landing was obviously faked on a Hollywood soundstage by Stanley Kubrick which was discovered by OJ Simpson that's why NASA framed him and crazyinsaneranting?

        1. baconzgood

          NO! Who's floor do you think he pisses on? I gotta clean that up. Lord Singen-Smith III Duke of Butt-Sniff has some canine hierarchy issues.

          1. baconzgood

            Butters or Ducky (a variation of Duke).

            I used to have a French Bulldogs and his name was Monsieur Boeuf la Tete. Which was French for Mr. Beef Head.

          2. jus_wonderin

            My dogs name is not as good but I named her Ripley, first name Ellen. She's a Doxie and I figure she and Ripley have that can do attitude.

            "Get away from her, you bitch!"

          3. PristinePantalones

            Poor thing. I used to carry dog treats in my pocket when walking my old fella, because he didn't like that dominant/submissive mounting thing dogs love to do. Distract the nice doggie with a treat and they forget all about wanting to ass-fuck the other dog, temporarily.

  22. RedneckMuslin

    When the moon hits the eye like a big pizza pie that's aDenny's.

    Really, I got nothing. Waiting all morning to rebut Michele's wackiness yesterday and all that's here is moon rocks.

    OT Just In: New Orleans just scored again against the Indianapolis Colts.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I looked all over the Rolling Stone website before I figured out your RS meant something else.

          1. PristinePantalones

            Gezus, no, I can't be there longer than ten seconds without breaking out in boils all over. Srsly, I hang with some pretty wretched fuckers (I'm HERE, ain't I?) but those people are WAY more than even I can tolerate.

          2. RavenRant

            At least Erick Son of Erick slapped down Rush Limbaugh on his stupid 'Lord's Resistance Army' story, which means he has more balls than anyone else in the Republican Party, except Jim Inhofe.

            But in his post about how Limbaugh had it all back assward, the comments were still, "Yeah, but Obama really is a secret Muslin who wants to kill Christians." That was my first and last visit.

          3. PristinePantalones

            Wow, really? Who'd'a thunk? I mean, I just about *plotzed* when Inhofe called Limpballs on that shit. Imagine that, Inhofe, who once walked with dinosaurs, actually crossing The Great AssBoil. The last Repub who did that had to crawl on hands and knees to kiss Limpdick's ring after several groveling public apologies.

            There's Hope.

          4. RavenRant

            Oy Gevalt! If our hope rests in Erick Erickson and Jim Inhofe… But it was a rare moment of semi-honesty and semi-courage from two (2) whole Republicans.

            I guess we take what we can get.

            Did you notice how many wingers just had *crickets* on this story.

            There's actually a 'college professor' named Donald Douglas who posted a spirited, albeit imbecilic, defense of Limbaugh on this topic:

            Check the comments.

  23. DerrickWildcat

    I saw this documentary about this special rock from space that had this weird oily jello in it. The interesting thing is that it wasn't just oily jello, it was some kind of space worm that could actually get into your nose and eyes (or maybe go through your skin if you had a recent owie) and takeover your brain. This might have been one of those kind of space rocks. So it's a good idea that they got it.

  24. HarryButtle

    NASA saw the FBI gettin' away with their terrist entrapment schemes and wanted to get in on the fun, so they traded in their pocket protectors for shoulder holsters and took down granny! Who can blame them?

  25. JustPixelz

    I wish I could get some "moon rock", if that's what the kids are calling it these days.

    I'll never order "Moon Over My Hammy" again. (There was no chance of that anyway.)

    Moon rocks don't belong to NASA. I read in the Washington Times they're owned by the Moonies.

  26. widestanceshakedown

    It couldn't have been easy subduing the woman in those bulky suits, but I do hope some lunar virus was unleashed upon them.

  27. BaldarTFlagass

    "NASA investigators"

    I'm sorry, but all I can visualize is skinny middle-aged guys in crew cuts, penny loafers, white button-down shirts, skinny ties, pocket protectors, slide rules in belt holders, and birth-control glasses (aka Clark Kents).

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        It's a little-remembered evolutionary technology, the missing link between the abacus and the pocket calculator.

        1. RavenRant

          Are they collector's items now? Are people paying top $$$ for a touch of the nerd past? Cuz I'll bet I have one or two lying around somewhere.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            I know I've got a K&E that belonged to my dad that looks like it's never even been used, but I think they are more like 8mm film projectors. I found one of those in real nice shape when I bought a house several years ago, thinking "wow I bet I can get some good dough for this" and then figuring out that there was one in every fucking attic in America.

  28. PristinePantalones

    OK, clearly we've been cutting back on the WRONG stuff, like, you know, cops and firefighters and stuff. We NEED them. We DON'T need NASA to have a SturmAbteilung shaking down old ladies at Denny's. If they're willing to serve as bodyguards for #occupy, they can keep their jobs. Otherwise, it's out with the fucking lot of them.

    Jeez, you can't make this shit up if you try.

  29. DonnyKerabotsos

    Did Steven Segall make an appearance? What about Dog (or Dawg or Doug or whatever he calls himself ) the Bounty Hunter? No?

    This cluster fuck has reality TV written all over it. I'm thinking Reno 911. Also.

  30. UnholyMoses

    This is what happens when you cut NASA's budget — you get a bunch of nerds who've watched too much CSI:Miami arresting an old woman for selling something no one can prove they own to care for her sick son.

    Ironic or not ironic: She might have more than enough money to pay for her son's medical bills once she sues the holy living shit out NASA and the cops for false arrest.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, it's pretty easy to establish if a rock came from the moon, and of course there's only one agency that's ever been there; however, the petrologic process you would have to go through in order to establish the provenance of the specimen would leave you with only a thin slice of the original rock, and a bunch of moon powder.

      1. UnholyMoses

        Actually, it's pretty easy to establish if a rock came from the moon set where they faked the moon landing, and of course there's only one agency that's ever been there …


  31. Arken

    Hey. Moon rocks are valuable. It's not like there's a whole planetoid full of them out there somewhere.

  32. DaRooster

    So… she won't be needing to sell anything to pay for her son's illness…
    Ain't lawsuits wonderful!!

  33. Come here a minute

    With the money spent on "Operation Scare the Piss out of Granny", NASA could have paid for the son's medical expenses, or a new son.

  34. iburl

    If only we had the capability to actually go to the moon anymore, or into space at all, then maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal.

  35. smoothmineral

    "she was so scared she lost control of her bladder"
    I heard the same thing happened to Marcus Bachman on his wedding night.

    1. PristinePantalones

      Thank you! There is now an and an OccupyPolice is doing outreach to get ALL police departments across the nation signed up with #OWS.

      Children, I believe we're trembling on the edge of revolution.

  36. prommie

    Ok, let me get this straight; the investigators went online and posed as underage moonrock buyers, and arranged this moonrock tryst? Sooooo many people getting arrested these days for conspiring with federal and state cops who are pretending to be 13 year old girls and moon rock buyers and Iranian intelligence agents and Al Quaeda bogeymen. Conspiring with imaginary fictitious characters to commit imaginary crimes must be one of the most frequently prosecuted crimes, lately. My favorite was the poor sap here in New Jersey, he had one set of FBI guys approach him and say "hey, man, we have stinger missiles for sale, cheap." Then another set of FBI guys approached him and said "hey, man, we need to score some stinger missiles." He introduced the one set of FBI agents to the other set of FBI agents, who pretended to do this deal, and was promptly arrested for helping one set of pretend-terrorists buy non-existent missiles from another set of pretend-terrorists. USA! USA! Fuck yah!

  37. mrbubb

    The officers took "a hold" [sic] of her? So we can't even trust wire reporters to use English correctly? That's almost as grievous a sin as whatever the fuck NASA does now that we don't have a space program.

  38. GFPcat

    Gees..with this and the Apple police searching that guy's place for the 'stolen' iPhone, who knew nerds would turn out to be so bold.

  39. gurukalehuru

    She was ready to sell the items to NASA for $1.7 million. I think that's exactly what they should be forced to pay her. Plus court costs. Maybe a little bit extra for emotional injury and whatnot.

  40. BaldarTFlagass

    Man, this blazing one-post-every-three-hours pace really makes the workday drag. I reckon I'm gonna have to go register to comment over at Salon or Think Progress.

  41. Mahousu

    Excerpts from my personal list of "100 things never to do":

    13. Try to sell moon rocks to NASA
    27. Eat at Denny's

    If only I had sent her a copy of the list beforehand.

  42. Tundra Grifter

    If the NASA agents got right into Denny's, it's obvious they weren't Black.

    Remember OJ's alibi? He didn't do it – he was waiting for his dinner at Denny's.

  43. Tundra Grifter

    It's not a "sting" if the person who got took knows she or he got took. That's a set-up, an undercover operation, entrapment – but it ain't a sting.

    How many old NASA space suits and helmets and other items of equipment are for sale out there? Why didn't NASA give a damn about those things?

  44. Antispandex

    Everyone knows Pet Rocks are fine to possess. She should have just named it and told those petty bureaucrats to stuff it!

  45. neiltheblaze

    What's with all the bullying old women these days? Between the State of Tennessee and NASA I'm starting to think these assholes all have oedipal issues or were raised by evil grandmas or something.

  46. BaldarTFlagass

    In related news, the US Geologic Survey, in cooperation with the National Park Service, arrested an 8-year-old kid who stole a teaspoon of white gypsum "sand" from White Sands National Monument in New Mexico during his family's summer vacation in July of this year. "The family is lucky they didn't visit Petrified Forest too, or the kid might be facing life without parole," a spokesman was quoted as saying.

  47. Indiepalin

    In a related story, the State of Louisiana has banned cash sales of second hand goods in places like thrift shops and garage sales (?) and is also requiring background information on all such sales be submitted to the government. In Soviet Russia, you can always find party; in Louisiana, party find you!

  48. Chet Kincaid

    OT, but the banner for my new fantasy series goes into rotation on Wonkette next week. In a world where tommy guns and elixirs collide, Dark Elves battle immigrant Leprechauns for control of the the Magical Vices in 1920s Brooklyn.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Thanks. I'm calling the whole epic "ElvesMead Empire." The first few volumes are "Of Spells And Speakeasies", "Drinkromancer", "The Grimoire Of The Gun" and "Fairy Crimewave."

        1. RavenRant

          I'll watch for the banner. I won't need a Kindle, will I? Because I don't have one.

          BTW, I can hear the movie promo narrator's deep, dramatic voice, "In a world where tommy guns and elixirs collide…"

  49. Indiepalin

    I will continue to post upside-down retread jokes from the archives of Yakov Smirnoff until you run story on Michele Bachmann calling for free hospital care.

  50. dennis1943

    "Professional" law enforcement practicing the soon to become "standard operating procedure"………

  51. a_pink_poodle

    What a ridiculous mission poster. That is a silhouette of the NX-01 which was built around the middle of the 22nd century while the uniforms the crew are wearing are clearly from around the middle of the 24th century! There is a discrepancy of 200 years here, people! Second of all, one of those red shirts better bet the Captain and/or Commander because red is a command color in Starfleet whereas both engineering and tactical officers wear the yellow.

    Am I off topic here?

  52. ttommyunger

    There were initially 15 agents assigned to take granny down inside the restaurant, but several of them were near, so they had to wait out in the parking lot.

    1. Negropolis

      When we used to go to Denny's and Denny-type restaurants (especially if we were in the South) and they tried to seat us at the back or near the bathrooms, my dad would tell the hosts very politely "Oh, we'll wait until another table opens up." I didn't understand what was going on for the longest time, but he realized this shit was happening way before it hit the news.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Wow, they actually did this kind of shit. Why am I surprised? Actually, I'm not surprised, just shocked and disgusted that we still have these small-minded schmucks among us. Kudos to your father for standing up to them without losing his dignity and self-respect.

  53. Negropolis

    You know, it's things like this where I sympathize with the Tea Party's belief system for, oh…about two seconds. Seriously, this is some fucked up shit.

    Hey, Bolden? Exercize some control over your employee-bullies, okay?

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