Just spank me when they've gone so I can come out.Terminally panicky villain-child Eric Cantor was all set to deliver a speech on “income inequality” and its many virtues to what he thought would be a carefully selected audience of approvingly docile business students at the Wharton School, but at the last minute university officials reminded Cantor’s office that the event would be open to the public. Cantor immediately cancelled his address in response, out of a rank fear that the cesspool of unemployed and low-wage commoners and Occupy Philadelphia protesters might turn up to ask a few questions about his Plan for Their Future (Guantanamo).

From the Philadelphia Daily News:

U.S. Rep. Eric Cantor, the Republican majority leader in the U.S. House, canceled his scheduled speech at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business because if was going to be open to the first 300 people who showed up.  Given that hundreds of Occupy Philadelphia protesters were planning to march from City Hall to the campus to protest the speech, that could have been lively audience.

“The Office of the Majority Leader was informed last night by Capitol Police that the University of Pennsylvania was unable to ensure that the attendance policy previously agreed to could be met,” Cantor spokeswoman Laena Fallon said in an email. “Wharton is a educational leader in innovation and entrepreneurship, and the Majority Leader appreciated the invitation to speak with the students, faculty, alumni, and other members of the UPenn community.”

Oh, what a wuss. Here he probably thinks that the protesters want to eat him alive. Won’t happen! Because nobody actually likes the taste of rat feces. [Philadelphia Daily News]

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  • nounverb911

    What a coward!

    • berkeleyfarm

      Caaaal for Super Chicken!

  • nounverb911

    Eric Cantor is the cry-baby younger brother that got beat up once a week whether he deserved it or not.

    • UnholyMoses

      Oh … he deserved it. And probably more than once a week.

      (This is not to be confused with actual bullying, in which someone gets beat up without deserving it. That shit sucks.)

      • GOPCrusher

        Oh yes. Eric is the proto-typical sniveling little shit that used to snitch to the teacher about everything that occurred on the playground. Probably used to volunteer to be hall monitor.
        And couldn't understand why he went home every night with a bloody nose, underwear up around his armpits, and sand burrs in his hair.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Don't forget Titty Twisters and Hertz Donuts.

    • Not_So_Much

      The memories, and wedgie marks, still burn hot in his fevered brain from all those hours hanging from his locker by his 2nd-hand tighty whiteys.

      • horsedreamer_1

        "You know you're not in high finance when you're considering second-hand underpants".

  • Barb

    He can easily be replaced by Snooki.

    • nounverb911

      In Congress or at Wharton?

    • Fibroids suck. Wait–I thought you were in Vegas?!! Did you have a well-woman exam in Vega… Nevermind. That blows. You dear, however will be fucking fine.

      • Barb

        Oh, I went to Vegas. I took the tram from MGM Grand to Harrah's and then walked over to the Venetian, saw the CNN truck and I did misbehave. I had a pretty good time and won some money.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          I thought about trying to make a gerbil joke, but no…

          Sorry to hear about your little medical inconvenience. Needing to have a piece of yourself removed is a real bummer, and, I daresay, kinda scary. Best wishes for a smooth procedure and a speedy recovery.

  • chicken_thief

    My pussy hurtz!

    ~ Eric Can't-or, 10/21/11

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    That photo should accompany a Santorum posting.

  • baconzgood

    Eric Cantor? I HATE THAT FUCKING CUNT FUCK FUCK HEAD SHIT FOR BRANS CHICKEN PISS LUMPY DICK WHORE ASS FUCK!!!! And imagine what I'd say about him if I was in a bad mood.

    • GregComlish

      man, peeps got to stop calling bad people names like "cunts". And this isn't a feminist objection per se, it's just that I love cunts. I love ass. I love fucking. I love fucking ass and cunts with my dick.

      I'm not into shit though, so feel free to use that one on Cantor

      • baconzgood

        You're right. I should watch my god damn language cause there's bitches on this fucking site. It's not like I'm in the cock sucking navy.

        • I dunno, how can you tell who's the fucking bitchez and who ain't? Because, except for Barb, who is pretty much always a lady, everybody else here swears worse than I do, which is saying plenty.

      • Calling a person a cunt is fine, just so long as we all remember what wonderful, tasty little things cunts can be. You know, distinguish between the two. As in Eric Cantor is a CUNT, but "my wife's cunt is the tastiest thing since bread." or something.

    • Excellent. Classic Baconz.

    • It's nice to see you so happy and well, baconz.

    • GorzoTheMighty

      Baconz, friend, comrade and unindicted co-conspirator. Don't hold back. Tell us what you really feel. We are all friends here. This is not the time for repressed feelings.This could be your breakthrough moment!

      • Something tells me you're going to regret encouraging that whippersnapper.

    • Jeebus Baconz you'd think he was Dale or something.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Empowered Coward.

    Typical rightie.

  • he also claimed his office was shot at, but it wasn't? correct? Cantor quakes for Quakers.

    • Yeah, somehow a brick in his wall got nicked and he cried and shivered in terror, wetting his pants over fantasies that the mean lib'rulz were coming to get him. Meanwhile, Raul Grijalva's office actually was broken into, robbed, and set on fire, while Gabby Giffords ended up with a bullet in her brain, but none of THAT is important, you know, because it didn't happen to HIS wussy chicken ass.

      • Jukesgrrl

        And Arizona isn't a state. It's kinda like Puerto Rico.

        • Hey hey, what has Puerto Rico done to you to deserve such opprobrium?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I thought Arizona was all about NOT becoming kinda like Puerto Rico. Their loss, I know, but that is what they're about.

          • Jukesgrrl

            Good point.Is there a territory filled with only white people?Maine?

      • Actually, it was a building that Cantor's campaign (and others) did business with. Which makes it even more pathetic to cry about.

  • WordsOfWiesman

    In his defense, when Eric Cantor decided to craft a speech to address the concerns of the 99%, he had no idea that any of those 99% would actually attend.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      nice one, hope your p-ness rises substantially with this!

  • Bravely bold E Cantor
    Rode forth from Washington.
    He was not afraid to lie,
    Oh brave E Cantor.
    He was not at all afraid
    To face protests about his nasty ways.
    Brave, brave, brave, brave E Cantor

    Brave E. Cantor ran away. ("No!")
    Bravely ran away away. ("I didn't!")
    When protest reared it's ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled. ("no!")
    Yes, brave E Cantor turned about ("I didn't!")
    And gallantly he chickened out. ****Bravely**** taking ("I never did!")
    to his feet, He beat a very brave retreat. ("all lies!")
    Bravest of the braaaave, E Cantor! ("I never!")


    • The answer to every question is Monty Python.

      • Dok-cupy Everything

        Eric Cantor's hovercraft is full of eels.

        • I'd like to cram Eric Cantor full of eels. A la The Tin Drum. Straight from the horse's head.

    • tessiee


    • carlgt1

      he soiled himself at the Battle of UPenn…..

    • jqheywood

      He nearly fought the Chicken of Bristol…

  • He not only hates teh poorz, he's afraid of them.. What a piece of shit.

  • SorosBot

    Is there any Republican today who's not afraid to take questions from anyone who might disagree with them?

    • chicken_thief

      Cain, maybe, but his answers are so convoluted that no one dares ask a follow up.

      • terriblyfamous

        He's not afraid of questions because he generally doesn't understand the questions. Probably thinks he's hitting them all out of the park.

    • Not_So_Much

      Walnuts maybe. But only because he just thinks its more kids on his lawn and another opportunity to turn purple and shake his fist in the air at them.

    • I haven't heard of one. They're all cowards.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Judging by how they are treated by fellow Republicans in their "debates," I can imagine why they are afraid of non-Republicans.

    • freakishlywrong


  • Weenus299

    Well if you can't defend economic sodomy, just discuss the real thing.

  • Big, big gnocca.

    • But not the yummy kind.

      • No, the kind that is so nasty and smelly that not even Olive Garden will serve it.

        • I don't know this young lady "Olive", but no man or woman should have to service nasty, smelly gnocca!

    • PuckStopsHere

      And so, gnocca became a euphemism, taking on a life of it's own. OUTSTANDING! By the way, I am so in the tank for Big Gnocca.

  • Eddie Cantor was a better entertainer than Al Jolson.

    • user-of-owls

      And he looked more convincing in black-face too.

      • yyyaz

        Compared to what?

        • Al Jolson?

          • yyyaz

            OOps. Conflated Eddie Harris/Les McCann/Eddie/Eric Cantor and in trying to make it real brewed up some steamin' cranial flatus. My bad.

    • Geminisunmars

      I was just saying the other night to Mr Geminisunmars that Eric looks like he could be related to Eddie. Really, he does. Same bug eyes and smarmy delivery.

      • C'mon, Eddie's WAY handsomer. Eric looks like one of those loathsome kids who went to schul because his Mommy MADE him and he spent the whole time there picking his nose and smearing his boogers all over everything.

    • keepem_sikanpor

      I'm hoping the past tense of your statement is prophetic in the sense that this shithead won't be reelected by my state.

  • chicken_thief

    The first 300 that showed up?! Smart move by Eric, who knows damn well that he's lucky to draw 75 true fans at any event.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Probably afraid it would be THE 300.

  • nounverb911

    OT Barb,
    How did your granddaughter make out with her ladybug costume?

    • Barb

      Honestly, I don't know. Something horrible happened last week and I've been hiding from the world and not speaking to anyone until I can fix it. Two tumors and I'm going to lose my beloved uterus, "Miss Mookie" in the process. I'm going through the 7 stages of Uber-bitch right now.

      • nounverb911

        I'm truly sorry to hear this, I hope you have a real speedy recovery.

      • baconzgood

        Ohhhh no! My niece just went through the same thing. I'm very sorry to hear that.

      • SorosBot

        Ouch; I really hope you get better soon.

        • Barb

          Thanks BITCHES! You really know how to make a Mookie feel better.
          My doctor called while I was in Vegas and said my blood sugar levels were off the chart. I can't drink booze and I had to throw a box of Twinkies out.
          I have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm hoping that a miracle happens and they discover that it's just two kittens that God wanted me to have in some sort of immaculate conception.

          • Geminisunmars

            Almost 3 years ago I retired my sweet organ. Wonkette helped me through it. Get the laser laproscopic if that is possible. Healing time MUCH quickker & easier. And my best wishes.

            And that's really awful about the twinkies.

          • tessiee

            "the laser laproscopic"

            To get rid of those troublesome lady parts AND have 20-20 vision?

          • Geminisunmars

            Oh. That's why I don't need glasses any more.

          • LesBontemps

            So sorry Barb, especially about the booze & Twinkies. Hoping for kittens, but if not, speedy recovery. (I assume they let you snark from the hospital, right?)

          • Barb

            You guys are awesome, thanks!
            I went to Costco and got a huge box of Cheerios. What do you do with those things anyway? The box showed them in a bowl with milk or something. I remember my BFF, Bill telling me that he used Cheerios in the toilet to help potty train his kid, kinda give him something to aim for.

            I'll live with all those doctors, seeing my zorch without taking me to Red Lobster first, I'll eat the toilet cereal to try to be healthier and I will sober up. What I can't give up is you guys. You complete me! LOL Bitches!

          • AJWjr.

            Though you probably don't want any of us working on your lady parts. Get better.

          • tessiee

            "I'll live with all those doctors, seeing my zorch without taking me to Red Lobster first"

            Although, to be fair, they do dope you up real good beforehand. Bottomless and semi-conscious with two hot guys? Best Spring Break evah!

            Hope it goes fine and you recover quickly, tho.

          • You'll be okay, Barb. If Miss Mookie the uterus has to go, they'll install a woomba. Much more sanitary.

            Just remember: there is no "I" in uterus.

          • Barb

            Woomba, it keeps my lady business clean.

          • hunnybee

            i am new here and love the give and take and friendships made. best of wishes to you Barb. i will hold you in my thoughts.

          • Barb

            Well thank you, Hunny! I am glad you are posting and I look forward to seeing you post more, please.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Aww, Barb, I'm so sorry to hear that. There are times in life where we gotta do some serious self-care, which in this case is getting that procedure done as soon as possible. One of my mother's friends had her own Mookie removed and was she ever-thankful they caught it early. We're all pulling for you, darlin'! Please keep us updated.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Take care of it ASAP — we'll gladly cancel your appointment.

            Seriously, the only thing wicked about you is your sense of humor*, so do get well.

            *The other thing, well, it's just between us.

      • RavenRant

        Be as big an Uber-bitch as you need to be. Wallow in it. Take it to the limit.

        Then take of yourself and get healthy. You've got a lot of fans here.

      • As long as they don't remove your snark bone,

        Seriously though,I too am sorry, and hope the surgery and recovery go well.

      • MissusBarry

        Aw, Barb, that sucks. If mookie transplants were a viable thing, I'd totally give you mine, as I have no use for it (ok, I think it helps me not have a beard, but there's always electrolosis). Short of that, though, I wish you the best and a speedy road back to health!

      • OMG. I'm so sorry. Poor Barb! Come be a bitch to us, dear, we missed you while you were gone.

      • finallyhappy

        I hope everything goes well- and if it is two of something- I hope it is puppies. My Mookie doesn't work anymore so I take pills

        • Barb

          You are so cute, thanks! I'm going to lose my uterus and my cervix, yet I am going to keep the box they came in. (wink)

          • user-of-owls

            You know, you still haven't told us what happened with the ladybug costume!

          • Barb

            I will ask Christine tomorrow and then we will all know what happened with the costume, lol. Maybe she took a picture or something. New mommies do that, don't they? They like the kid for a while and take pictures.

          • user-of-owls


            I like you, kid.

      • Callyson

        Holy shit! I'm sorry to hear this–hope you recover soon!

      • Best wishes Barb. Don't let Santorum know or he'll try to send you to Gitmo.

      • Weed, you need lots and lots of weed, it'll help out with the Cheerios too. (I suggest Joe's O's over Cheerios also… too… so often.)

      • Gunner Asch

        I was out of town for a couple of days so please let me add belated best wishes. You are one of the prime reasons to come to Wonkette. While I appreciate good snark, alas I am snark-challenged as far as creation goes. You are an inspiration.

        • Barb

          You are so sweet, thanks!
          Just come in and let the snark fly.

      • 102415

        Hey Barb, I got cleaned out three years ago for cancer and while it was no picnic I'm fine now. You will be too. On the plus side you get to take home a vaginal dilator the same size as Uncle Miltie's dick. Ask for the bikini cut. It's adorable.

  • Schmannnity

    "set to deliver a speech on “income inequality”

    Let me guess, pro or con?

  • user-of-owls

    It wasn't the protesters that worried him. It was the Libyans with hand-held video cameras milling around the podium.

    • LesBontemps

      No, the libyans all go to Bryn Mawr.

      Wait, what?

    • Negropolis

      That is so fully of win it's not even funny (but it is).

  • OneYieldRegular

    Yes we Cantor!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Where I'm from that's called being a pussy.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Smart move. It'd be such a shame if his new Armani suit was ruined when they dumped the pig's blood on him.

    • emmelemm

      I would pay good American dollars to see that.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Forget dollars, that would deserve whore diamonds.

      • Get out your Ron Paul commemorative silver dime.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      In the Eric Cantor remake of Carrie, the pig's blood prompts Our Hero to unleash his psychic powers, locking all the doors and then subjecting the audience to a whiny snit that literally bores them to death

      • Quit picking on the Jewish nerds, dood. Ya want he should fight already? This is the only way he knows how.

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          As long as he keeps his dirtypillows to himself, I'm happy.

  • YouBetcha

    Wasn't someone here asking for good wank material earlier? I've got some.

    • DashboardBuddha

      hmmm, he's a short fella with a big head. That explains a lot for me.

    • Shellwith2Ls

      Oh, that site is hilarious!

    • THANK YOU, YouBetcha!

      Yes, I will be posting this EVERYWHERE!111!

      • YouBetcha

        Much obliged. You'll be doing the Lord's work.

    • fuflans


    • RadioOcupados

      The Money Shot, youbetcha, YouBetcha. I definitely bitchmarked that.

    • tessiee

      Even he looks like he loathes Boehner.

    • Negropolis

      “I didn’t go to prep school, George Washington, William & Mary and Columbia so I could go to work for some bartender.”

      “Do NOT speak that way to me in front of the help.”

      “OMG you took a TAXI? That’s precious.”

      “They just look so… poor.”


  • DashboardBuddha

    From the picture: whose asshole has he shoved his head into?

    • nounverb911

      Any one of the assorted Kochs.

  • "Now watch this drivingawayasfastasIcan!"

    • drivingawayasfastasIcan

      Is that in the middle east? do they have oil? we can haz invasion?

    • RadioOcupados

      M, I didn't know you golfed.

  • edgydrifter

    Considering his commitment to increasing the number of destitute peasants in America, you'd think he'd proudly greet a few of his "children" instead of scuttling back to his secure compound.
    Cantor is giving off a very Dr. Frankenstein vibe here.

  • SorosBot

    It's Wharton, which is filled with a bunch of smug entitled young pricks who think they're better than everyone else and a lot smarter than they really are who will be shortly joining the big banks and financial firms that destroyed the American economy, so you see why Cantor would assume he'd get a sympathetic audience there.

  • CapnFatback

    “The Office of the Majority Leader was informed last night by Capitol Police that the University of Pennsylvania was unable to ensure that the attendance policy previously agreed to could be met,” Cantor spokeswoman Laena Fallon said in an email.

    There's the problem right there. Cantor should remember that there is no attendance policy in university lecture classes. You're absent at your own risk, which you often realize after you've failed the test.

    And failing the test is something Cantor does know about–too well.

  • baconzgood

    Man he ran away faster than Michele Bachmann in a bathroom full of dykes.

    • axmxz

      And even faster than Marcus Bachmann towards a bathroom full of 'mos!

  • Rotundo_

    Cluck Cluck Cluck, Buck Buck Buck, Can't take the chance that someone might actually ask him a question that might make him look like the sniveling little fear freak shit he is. The republicans in general seem to have a fear of non-vetted audiences but this one is really pissing himself at the prospect isn't he?
    Eric, you're a fucking gutless sack of chickenshit,

    • Has anyone ever told you you look *really* good kicking ass? Because you do. Give him one more for me, dood.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Cantor's just bummed that he won't be able to field those tough, hard-hitting questions from people who've been hand-picked to agree with him.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Even at Wharton, they probably weren't able to rustle up three hundred shriveled souls who agree with that cretin.

  • LesPaultard

    Wharton is a educational leader…

    Apparently Laena (??) Fallon wasn't accepted.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Is our children learning yet?

  • MissTaken

    He got confused thinking it would be 300 Spartans like that hot movie he masturbates furiously to.

  • MiniMencken

    I believe watching the last-moments-of-Qaddafi videos rattled poor little Eric a bit.

  • user-of-owls

    It wasn't the protesters that worried him. It was the emailed threat of a wet willy.

  • chicken_thief

    Seriously, I hope the media beats this story to death, non-stop, until the fucker admits to being the little bitch that he is.

    • prommie

      I hope the media beats HIM to death.

      • chicken_thief

        Thank you, prommie – I like your idea even better!

    • yyyaz

      Optimism is a cruel mistress/bitch.

    • RavenRant

      Republicans admit to NOTHING. Catch them with their dick in a rentboy, and it's all, "Are you gonna believe me or your lying eyes?"

    • LetUsBray

      That's only when it's a Demmycrat.

    • horsedreamer_1

      PolitiFact will show that Cantor actually dId speak at Wharton. Maybe it'll've been five years ago, maybe it was just stopping at a Starbucks on the UPENN campus, but if EC has ever been to PENN, or even just a college campus in Pennsylvania, and wasn't mute, his appearance at Wharton, in the present-day, will be rated True.

  • Indiepalin

    A Cantor spokesman said that the congressman had originally signed on to speak before a "selected audience" but those plans went awry after the slaughter in Ohio earlier this week.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Ah, his courage is inspiring.

  • RadioOcupados

    He is afraid of the obstetrical protesters.

  • CessnaDriver




  • user-of-owls

    It wasn't the protesters that worried him. It was the fear that the Wharton kids would make fun of him for not knowing how to finger-bang a Tuesday-night Takedown.

  • kingcocrazy

    I've developed a foolproof plan for Obama to ensure his re-election: Invite Cantor to a photo op at the Rose Garden and then beat the living hell out of this weasely little fuck on live TV.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And when he's finished, he should stand tall and call for Paul Ryan.

    • FNMA

      Or just kick him in the balls. Repeatedly.
      Assuming, of course, that he has balls.

  • Extemporanus

    From his planned remarks:

    "Through his example, you can see that America needs more than a jobs plan. It needs a Steve Jobs plan."

    HAHAHA! Today, we are all dying of Cantor.

    • The GOPers already use a Steve Jobs Plan–ignoring necessary conventional ideas (like raising taxes on the rich) while believing in new age flimflam (like tax cuts to the rich.)

      • Extemporanus

        Also from his speech, in the paragraph immediately preceding his Catskills-cribbed Jobs joke:

        "These groups of innovators are the leaders of companies that create life-saving drugs for our sick parents and children."


        • RavenRant

          "…lifesaving drugs for our RICH sick parents and children."

          The poors can go fuck off and die, preferably out of sight somewhere.

    • CapnFatback

      "Mark my words: America must get Jobbed!"

      • Extemporanus

        America is a special place and different than any other place on Earth. Here's an illustration.


        On the East Coast stands the Statue of Liberty, but on the West Coast…should stand a Statue of Responsibility. In my vision, when these two statutes join hands, the American people create a bridge that spans the whole country – a bridge of opportunity. And on the pillars of that bridge, we must erect our ladders with those who are successful extending their hands to those who wish to climb.

        Shorter Eric Cantor: "My vision for America is both retarded and gay!"

        • CapnFatback

          I recognize this! Once you pass the Statues of Liberty and Responsibility, you must take care around the Unwashed Trolls who stand a mirthless vigil at the Bridge of Opportunity. Should you avoid the trolls, the Pillars of Erected Ladders hold numerous treasures of rubies and mithril armor, which makes for an important defense for when you fight the Dragon of Mooching. Defeat the dragon, and you've helped Link rescue the Princess!

        • RavenRant

          Oh. My. God. The Onion could not write a parody that ridiculous. How much further does that tortured metaphor stagger before it finally dies a merciful death?

          • Extemporanus


          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Really? I was thinking it would collapse in a wheezing pile of dissonance somewhere on the outskirts of Allentown.

        • I'm thinking he cancelled the speech because it was easier than rewriting it.

    • RadioOcupados

      I've said this for years: there is nothing funny about the Big C.

      • Extemporanus

        Nothing funny?

        I would've thought that you, of all people, treated it as more of a Gy area.

        • RadioOcupados

          I can see right through your curieous attempt at humor.

          • Extemporanus

            That anemic response really isn't something to Bragg about.

          • RadioOcupados

            Again, I am left incoherently scattered by the indomitable Extemporanus, this is the worst day of my life.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            It certainly merits a bit of reflection.

          • horsedreamer_1

            And wasn't Denis Leary's The Ref one long cancer laff.

    • Callyson

      In a Steve Jobs Plan, those who are successful not only create good jobs and services that make our lives better, they also give back and help everyone move just a little bit further up the ladder and everybody wins.
      Yo, NoCandor, perhaps you should deliver that address to the 1%, since they seem to have missed the memo on that plan….

  • user-of-owls

    It wasn't the protesters that worried him. It was Wharton's "No Culottes" dress code.

    • RadioOcupados

      I'm sure he shops at the Dress Barn too.

  • He is all for sticking it to the masses so long as he doesn't have to interact with them.

  • yyyaz

    Eating rat feces? If it's fresh, that would be a step up from the rancid BS his ilk have been feeding the commoners. Besides, if that's all it takes to take him out, excuse me while I whip out my bib and some bbq sauce.

    • RavenRant

      Profiles in Courage. You are a fine American.

  • proudgrampa

    Guess he was afraid of those "mobs."


    • That's a wonderfully apt word.

      • tessiee

        Which sounds like it should be accompanied by a glove slap across the face.

        • It should. Let me get my gloves.

          Smell the glove, Eric! Smell the glove!

  • Antispandex

    Math is hard enough to fudge without the local peasantry screaming for your hide.

  • Nostrildamus

    If eating rat feces is what's necessary to get rid of Cantor, I'm ready to serve.

    • finallyhappy

      Believe me, if you have eaten hot dogs, canned tuna or at almost any restaurant, you've already served.

  • prommie

    Weaselly sniveling cunt! Fucking pathetic shitstain dipshit fuckface ratprick pussy-ass bitch!

    • baconzgood

      Great minds!

    • YouBetcha

      You really shouldn't self-censor so much.

    • proudgrampa

      Come on, tell us how you really feel!

    • You forgot "Cocksucking father-raping motherfucking baby-diddling son of a thousand and father of none, born of a diseased sow, and may ten thousand camels shit the shit of a hundred watery diarrhoeic infections upon his grave."

      • tessiee

        I used to live next door to an apartment building that had a basketball hoop in the parking lot. There was this one kid, I guess about 8 years old, who used to hang around, but the big boys wouldn't let him play. One day he got frustrated and yelled at them, "BITCH CHICKEN!!"

        I don't know where that kid is now, or whether he ever got to play, but I do know one thing: Eric Cantor is a bitch chicken.

        • I think I shall yell that randomly at the next teabagger I see. Thank you for the addition to my vocabulary.

    • You could have just used "Republican" and saved some typing.

  • Guppy

    You mean to say that the speech of a member of Congress at a public university would be open to the public? My goodness!

    • proudgrampa

      What a concept!

    • You have to remember: Cantor's hometown of Richmond, VA is still segregated in important ways. They freaked out over a statue honoring harmless tennis guy Arthur Ashe of all people.

      • YouBetcha

        Um, I don't know if you've noticed, but Arthur Ashe was BLACK. I'm pretty sure he was from Kenya. Plus, he had THE AIDZ, which of course, means ghey, also too. You really can't blame the fine people of Richmond.

      • DashboardBuddha

        on the night they drove old dixie down, they didn't drive it down far enough.

        • Jukesgrrl

          But it looks like they did take the very best, since little of merit seems to have been left behind.

      • It wasn't as much about the statue as it was about the fact that it was to be erected on Monument Avenue alongside statues of great Confederate heroes like Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and I forget the other two or three idiots who have statues up there. Richmond is proud of its colored sons so long as they remember their place, and that extends to statues of them.

        Heh heh, I said "erected."

        • horsedreamer_1

          The most fitting statuary for what Richmond is would be a GWAR monument.

    • SorosBot

      It is a private university, but yeah events like this are still usually open to the public.

      • emmelemm

        Isn't Wharton Business School part of the University of Pennsylvania, thus public?

        • SorosBot

          It's part of the University of Pennsylvania, but UPenn is a private university, even though the name sounds like it's public; Pennsylvania's public colleges and universities fall under the Penn State umbrella.

          • emmelemm

            The More You Know! {shooting star}

            I knew UPenn was one of the Ivies, and I thought it was the only "public" one. But clearly I'm misinformed. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt a bit.

          • Jukesgrrl

            Only some of them. Don't tell anyone from Pitt they fall under the Penn State umbrella if you want to go home with your head.

          • Callyson

            Thanks–I was just about to say that, for my Pitt alumni parents.

          • Jukesgrrl

            Pitt is It!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Paul Ryan would charge for the privilege of admission to hear him trickle down.

  • __kth__

    So the tactic of disrupting the town hall meetings of congressional Democrats that his side employed throughout 2009-2010 has, albeit belatedly and insufficiently, come back to bite Eric Cantor on his scrawny little ass. There is some justice under the sun, it would seem.

    • DahBoner

      But, but, but those were Brooks Brothers protestors, wearing Hermès ties and Polo, not hemp and patchouli…..

      • Jukesgrrl

        The Brooks Brothers Hoveround. It that like the Eddie Bauer Ford 4×4?

  • magic_titty

    Hordes of people actually wanting to hear what he had to say was understandably unsettling for him.

  • LiveToServeYa

    He obviously doesn't have the courage of his convictions, even though he should be convicted many times.

  • DahBoner

    Yeah, I saw the Powerpoint presentation he had planned. There was only one slide that said:

    More Income Inequality = More $$$$ for Us

    …All the shit you given us is fertilizer
    The seeds that we planted you can brutalize them
    Tell the corporation you can never globalize you
    Like Peter Toss said Legalize It
    Girls and boys hear the bass and treble
    Rumble in the speakers and it make you wanna rebel
    Throw your hands up, take it to another level
    And you can never, ever, ever make a deal with the devil…

  • Fawkdifiknow

    There's a funeral of a good friend of his that he has to attend, in Libya.

  • fuflans

    is there any unattractive feature the tea party doesn't eximplify?

    i mean snidely whiplash was supposed to be fucking cartoon.

    • tessiee

      Let's see…
      Fat, stupid, mean-spirited, insensitive, illiterate, intolerant, racist, dogmatic, smug, hypocritical, whiny, entitled, sociopathic, gun-crazy, spiteful, ugly as sin (most of them), badly dressed, acne-ridden, simultaneously sex-crazed and puritanical, ignorant of logic/ethics/history, the worst kind of religious nut, suck up to the rich, trash the environment, like Sarah Palin…

      I'll be doggoned. Every bad quality under the sun and not one single good quality. Who would have thought that it was even mathematically possible?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Is some intrepid blogger [i.e. not me] compiling all these Town Hall No-Shows in one place? There's gotta be dozens in the past year.

    • Scottsdalian


  • baconzgood

    What are you talking about? Those Quakers are hotties!

  • NickDanger007

    They weren't going to eat him! Just killing and cooking him would do. Then recycle him or feed him to the poors.

    • Scottsdalian

      Here, Eric – take refuge in this sewer pipe.

      OK – back up the Toyota.

      (With apologies to the NTC)

  • owhatever

    The Majority Leader does not have to see the public if the Majority Leader believes that the public might liken him to Mr. Hussein or Mr. bin Laden or Mr. Gaddafy, and do something most unpleasant to the Majority Leader.

    • tessiee

      Bob Dole approves of this comment.

  • El Pinche

    Uh oh, will they be bringing back the Bush screened "town halls" filled with conservative stooges?

    • Sadly, they never went away.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Sure…they keep them cyrogenically frozen for times such as this.

    • Yes they're now called The GOP Presidential Debates.

  • 300 (maximum)= raging mob

  • onemoretime79

    Brave Sir Eric Cantor doesn't even employ a live person at his office in DC. I just called and left a message, and yes, I was laughing.

    • Good for you. I will call his office tomorrow. I hope everyone here will consider giving that worthless cocksucking pigfucker a piece of their mind.

      • onemoretime79

        Your point is well taken. I appreciate the time honored & honest approach of saying something to a public representative's assistant directly. (Rarely do they answer their own damn phones.) So when I have something to say I feel the better path is to call up b/c, it is after all, as close as I can get in person. And it is definitely one way to let our representatives know, there are real people associated with real thoughts that are really affected by their narrow-minded and purile decisions.

        Yet as I stated earlier – I couldn't stop laughing long enough to get angry enough to list the reasons why I find it ludicrous that the majority whip is either too afraid or too cheap, to have (even) his subordinates answer his motherfucking phone.

        Where I come from, that is beyond pathetic.

        And where I come from, laughing at someone will be viewed as a much larger insult than, say, signing an online petition. May his phone message taker get a laugh through the gut, at the one I left and they recorded. Eh?

  • voodooeconomics

    Send him to Liberty University or to a Mormon Cult John Smith Folklore readings.

  • JackObin

    "Open to the public" is Republican code fore the negroes are coming.

  • insidebeltway

    Not a mensch.

    • nounverb911

      But certainly meshugana.

    • RavenRant

      Also a schmuck. And a putz. Shmendrik. Schvitzer. Schtunk.

    • Jukesgrrl

      More like a madoff.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    I'd call his office and leave "bawk-bawk-bawk" noises on the voicemail, but then he'd whine about terrorists threatening him.

  • CapnFatback

    Eric Could-but-he-won't-er

  • chascates

    It would have been interesting to see how many unemployed UPenn grads showed up to challenge the idea that only dirty hippies, communists, and antiSemitic made up the OWS crowds.

    • finallyhappy

      That would be OccupyPhilly- being from Philly, I'm sure they could beat the crap out of any OWS crowd.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I don't think Wharton grads are actually unemployed — they're just making $500,000 a year instead of the $5 million with bonuses they were promised, according to that douche in the Wall Street Journal who hands out $1 tips. I mean, MY GOD, who can live in New York on only a half mill a year?! You'd only be able to afford a Boulud Bistro Burger once a month.

  • notreelyhelping

    To be fair, some mean boys tricked him into watching "Night of the Living Dead" one time, and he still gets the nightmares.

  • TPM has a statement from Penn saying that the event was always intended to be open and they are sorry that Cantor's office "misunderstood." Translation: Don't throw our Ivy League asses under the bus just because you and your staff are fucking idiots.

  • axmxz

    "The University of Pennsylvania was unable to ensure that the attendance policy previously agreed to could be met" = "Sorry little buddy, we couldn't even come up with enough brain-dead teabaggers to fill out the first front rows."

  • The only good thing about Eric Cantor is that John Boehner hates him.

    • onemoretime79

      Being scared of, and hating are two different things, eh?

    • But not enough.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I think Kirsten forgot to credit Jan Brewer for that photo.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    No Balls to back up his convictions. My, what a surprise.

  • DaRooster

    Fucking Snatch!

  • Callyson

    Cantor had expected that his speech, on income disparity in the country, would be open to the media, Wharton students and faculty and guests of the university.
    Apologists for the 1% = guests.
    Occupy Philadelphia = terrorist invaders. Send those troops from Iraq right now!

  • finallyhappy

    I struck a blow for freedom- I just bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's Schweddy Ball ice cream. If it wasn't almost $5- I would have bought Clusterfluff(really!)too, because I am sure that is also offensive to the FOTF or whatever dumb rightwing group wanted to boycott B&J.

    • I try and I try and I cry and I cry, but there are no Schweddy Ballz for me.

      I had to make do with Cherry Garcia (pretty damn good, too). I shall try again.

  • Callyson

    NoCandor's idiotic speech, fixed:
    Instead of talking about a fair share or spending time trying to push those at the top even higher above everyone else, elected leaders in Washington should be trying to ensure that everyone has a fair shot and the opportunity to earn success up the ladder. The goal shouldn’t be for 99% to meet at the bottom of the ladder. We should want all people to be moving up and no one to be pulled down. How do we do that? It cannot simply be about wealth redistribution. You don’t just cut more taxes for the guy at the top to cut away even more from the guy at the bottom and expect our problems to be solved.

  • io9k9s

    Iif Cantor is not for income inequality then who will be for Cantor? If Cantor is only for the ultra wealthy then what is he? A pussy.

  • ttommyunger

    You had me at "Eric Cantor Wimps out…"

  • tessiee

    They really don't fare too well when they step outside the bubble, do they?

  • Negropolis

    I was really questioning after OWS if he was really going to do this, because after that point, it's basically an open provocation. He must have realized how insulting and fucking silly it'd be for someone like him to make such a speech.

    Dude has got to see the writing on the wall. He thought the tea party would catapult him into the Speaker's chair, when all it did was make sure this is the highest position he'll ever hold in Congress for the rest of his miserable little life. Reap what you sow you weasly motherfucker; reap what you sow.

    • My friend, you are so intelligent and so wise, and yet you assume that this monumentally stupid piece of ambulatory pooterjuice thinks and feels as you do.

      He does not. If he's getting nervous at all, it's because the KochBros wingtips are pressed down on his balls. He hasn't the wit or the wisdom to see the foolishness and the dangerous level of insult that his speech would constitute. Like the aristos of France, he will assume until he is pulled from the tumbril that the Forces of Law and Order are permanently on his side, and will rescue him from the filthy sansculottes now swarming the streets.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, and Eric? You know those "mobs" down on Wall Street? Yeah, looks like you found out that they are everywhere. All your bases are soon belong to us.

    • Negropolis, you're a Youngz, aren't you? It does my ancient crabby black heart good to know that you and yours exist. Take the streets, my child, take all the halls of power. Storm the Bastille!

  • As TPM pointed out, the transcript of the "income inequality" speech contained neither the words "income" nor "equality."

  • user-of-owls

    Whenever I see Cantor, I get sore.

  • Isyaignert

    WTF does "attendance policy previously agreed to" mean? I must have Foxbots in attendance who will be bobble-headed devotees to the great shrine of Reagonomics and the long con job that is today's Republicon party?

  • poorgradstudent

    To be fair, Eric Cantor's ideology has been shaped by his personal struggles, like the time he had to work as a marketing consultant for a company his family owned. (Oops, when I wrote this I was thinking of Paul Ryan, but – surprise, surprise – Cantor got a cushy job set up by his family after college too! What are the odds?)

  • I hope folks hang this chicken around Cantor's little, malformed, and sniveling neck.

  • lulzmonger


  • ndisang67

    he should ask Bush how to vet audience…

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