CRAZY FOR SALE: NOW AT HALF PRICE  1:57 pm October 21, 2011

Michele Bachmann’s New Hampshire Staff All Fleeing Like Hell

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

This means Jesus loves me even more, right?!?! RIGHT???Epic head case Michele Bachmann’s entire New Hampshire staff has resigned en masse because she refuses to focus on the state, although reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser. She is such a loser, in fact, that the roaming liberal hippie mobs of San Francisco did not even bother to wander over and chant some godless queerness at her when she visited the city on Thursday, even for old times’ sake, for fear of catching a boredom-induced coma. 

The San Francisco Chronicle gleefully reports:

Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann’s Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by RealClearPolitics.com – sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.

“Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town,” said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.

Or maybe they are waiting for the dry cleaning to be finished, or for some grass to grow, or for the warranty on their blenders to expire. All are more fun than waiting for Michele Bachmann. [CNN/SFGate]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 327 comments }

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Michele who?

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 1:58 pm

NEEDS MOAR FREE RANDY TRAVIS!!!!

Chillwaver October 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

By now, I don't think Shelly could even afford a Hank Williams Jr impersonator.

poncho_pilot October 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

you might be able to get the real Hank Williams Jr. for less than an impersonator.

HedonismBot October 21, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I didn't even know he was in jail.

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I shit you not, when I heard about the Free Randy Travis concert she had I thought the same thing.

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 4:26 pm

But ya know, Marcus was rooting for free Willie.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

He *always* is, dear.

Schmannnity October 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Minnesotan Go Home!

RedneckMuslin October 21, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Maybe the term "winner of the Iowa Straw Poll " has no relevance.

undeterredbyreality October 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I initially read this as "whiner of the Iowa Straw Poll" and thought: how appropriate.

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Why…why that just cannot be!

Fare la Volpe October 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Only two people in history have won the Iowa straw poll and gone on to be President:

Jimmy Carter
George W. Bush

…Remind me again why we give this thing legitimacy.

GOPCrusher October 21, 2011 at 3:47 pm

And at the time, George W. Bush was not an officially announced candidate.

horsedreamer_1 October 22, 2011 at 1:59 am

I remember when W. was touted for '96, after just two years as governor. Didn't end up happening. Would have been too obvious of the Bushes's designs on being the Assads or Kims of the U.S.

LetUsBray October 22, 2011 at 7:53 pm

It's a shame he didn't go for it then; Mr. Bill would have crushed him like a bug, and that would have been that.

Crank_Tango October 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

please, have some respect for the institution.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:14 pm

The one in which Michele will soon be confined, or what?

kissawookiee October 21, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Next thing we know, you'll be claiming that "most likely to succeed" in a high school yearbook has no relevance either.

GOPCrusher October 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I'm still trying to live down that third grade gum chewing incident that ended up on my permanent record.

BZ1 October 21, 2011 at 2:00 pm

those eyes, those eyes …

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 2:58 pm

We'll miss those eyes of hers. Let's hope for a long time.

poncho_pilot October 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Marcus, however, was welcomed with open arms.

OzoneTom October 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Among other things.

OneDollarJuana October 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm

See previous post on NJ GOP mayor.

Flat_Earther October 21, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Marcus caught the next flight to NJ.

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Welcomed like Family!

Chet Kincaid October 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm

"Honey, I'm moving the practice here! There is SO much we can accomplish!!"

MissTaken October 21, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Wow, and he made the Earth shake twice! That's what some pent up frustration will do to you.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Legs.

yyyaz October 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Teatard loser is a teatard loser.

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Maybe now she'll go back to her day job, when was the last time she was in DC?

poncho_pilot October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

like over six months ago? i know people who have been fired for missing a day of work. what a sweet gig, this Congress thing.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:17 pm

If ALEC and MallWart have their way, we'll be seeing lots more "fired for missing a day of work."

Callyson October 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Or, perhaps we're better off with her on the campaign trail. Do we *want* her to do some work in DC?

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:29 pm

She's a tea bagger. They don't work they just bitch about people getting government money and free health care for doing nothing.

Chet Kincaid October 21, 2011 at 4:11 pm

A two-year-old at the peak of her "no! no! no!" phase could do a teabag legislator's job.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:17 pm

In her six years in the House, she has NEVER managed to pass a bill. Relax. She can work all she wants, she's not effective.

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Her day job is cashing gubmint checks, no matter where she is.

MaxNeanderthal October 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm

She has one?………..

kissawookiee October 21, 2011 at 3:49 pm

When Gabby Giffords has made more votes in the past ten months than you have, well, might be a wee hint that you have something of an attendance problem, and far fewer excuses.

yyyaz October 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Batshit > personal respons….f**k it. We're just dynamiting fish in a bowl here.

GOPCrusher October 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Didn't she show up long enough to vote "No" on the debt limit bill?

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm

when was the last time she was in DC?

"When da lass time she was in D runnin'?"
–Herman Cain

Isyaignert October 24, 2011 at 2:50 am

Well, at the debate she said, "I'm a federal tax attorney…" forgetting that she's a member of Congress. Probably wishful thinking on everyone's part. WTF is wrong with people in her district? Don't they know what a fukkin' batshit crazy idiot she is?

CountryClubJihadi October 21, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Now I understand why we had 2 earthquakes yesterday.

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Those weren't earthquakes, they were just Marcuss…. oh gross!

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I feel the earth move under my feet

Oh god I hate that song and now it's an earworm!

ProgressiveInga October 21, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Don't Worry, Be Happy.♫

You're welcome.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Wow. That was breathtakingly cruel. Thank you. I now have someone to emulate as I set the bar ever higher.

LetUsBray October 22, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Yesterday was Friday. Friday. Got to get down on Friday.

chascates October 21, 2011 at 2:02 pm

When the fall leaves turn color and drop so do the staff on a loser's campaign.

Rosie_Scenario October 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Almost a haiku.

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Gesundheit.

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I saw what you did there.

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 3:01 pm

This is why I come to Wonkette, for the sheer poetry of it all.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:29 pm

And she didn't notice them turning all yellow and orange and red? Oh right, the eyes … never mind.

CapnFatback October 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Jumping from the Bachmann to the Perry campaign?

Isn't that like jumping out of the Hindenberg to land upon the tranquil, safe main deck of the Titanic?

not that Dewey October 21, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I was just thinking that reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser implies that Rick Perry is NOT a blathering loser, and I got confused.

poncho_pilot October 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

i think he's a blustery loser. but you can get a side of blathering for 99 cents.

not that Dewey October 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I'll take a side of tomato/tomahto.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:15 pm

And some Tater/Tatertot

MaxNeanderthal October 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Although "all elephants are four legged animals, not all four legged animals etc. etc." Though in this case as all republicans are cunts, therefore all cunts are republicans…..

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I beg to differ. I know some wonderful, sweet, furry pussies, and they are decidedly not republican. Mmm … hot, buttered cunt.

emmelemm October 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Awesome. You win my personal "best comment of Friday" medal.

CapnFatback October 21, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I am humbled. I will put it next to my "Best Potato Skin Comment at T.G.I. Friday's" medal on my mantel.

YasserArraFeck October 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Jumping from the Emptyhead campaign to the Niggerhead campaign

OneDollarJuana October 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Jumping from the closeted gay husband campaign to the closeted gay campaign. allegedly ; )

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Yes, but can you imagine a more deserving clot of clods?

chicken_thief October 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Sometimes the Republican conviction to stick to the Party line en masse is a beauty to behold. Not often, mind you, but sometimes….

Banelm October 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

And this isn't even the best part yet. Just wait until the Tea Party line runs up against the full electorate in the general election. Confusion and delight await us all.

ManchuCandidate October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Bachmanalia (celebrating the god of Mother's Little Helpers) is over.

smashedinhat October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Well, back to baby farming!

justkillmenow October 21, 2011 at 3:11 pm

When will one of those 48 kids start dishing about life in that house?

Fare la Volpe October 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Michele, not unlike the common farm pig, devours her young before they leave the sty.

Her voices told her that it if she eats the heart she can gain their courage…

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Didn't work too good with those lesbian nuns in the bathroom, did it?

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2011 at 12:50 am

I don't think any of them were there long enough to remember her. They probably just remember "that lady who was taking checks to the bank all the time."

Negropolis October 21, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Well, it is harvest time, after all.

memzilla October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

So now she'll be in full Grift-O-Matic mode, with another book coming out?

No, wait, I've got it: a Wasilla-like appeal for dollars, to show that Teabag Nation really really really wants her to run?

No, no, I've got it: an appeal for dollars to mount a lobbying effort for a Constitutional amendment prohibiting teh gheyness!

It'll be the Pray Away The Gay Amendment: "because the only ones who should be legally f***ing you in the a** is the top 1%!"

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 21, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Next stop: Disneyworld!

MadBrahms October 21, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Shorter Max Weber: The government is defined by a monopoly on force forcing its way into your rectum.

Pristine_ODummy October 22, 2011 at 2:21 am

Has Marcus been explaining Weber to you?

slowhansolo October 21, 2011 at 2:04 pm

OT and somewhat whiny perhaps, but I'm having a hard time finding anything funny today, what with the Senate filibusters last night and all…

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm

What's not to like about that? I'm laughing…and laughing…and…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

That explains the tears, eh?

Dok-cupy Everything October 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Waiting For Bachmann isn't bad, although it lacks the sheer manic energy of This Is Hermän Cäin

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The umlauts suddenly bring the entire Cain campaign into perspective!

HarryButtle October 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

They're all trying to be Best in Show…

horsedreamer_1 October 22, 2011 at 2:02 am

11.11.11 NIGEL TUFNEL DAY NEVER FORGET.

Goonemeritus October 21, 2011 at 2:06 pm

God I miss her, today’s GOP contenders seem two dimensional compared to Michele. She was full throated, barking mad, old school crazy just the way I like-em.

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

You wanna have Ex-Mrs. Zgood #?

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Take my Ex-Wife. Please.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I'm still in love with mine.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:23 pm

That bad, huh? It's been a while since I've been around Teh Kraykray of the barking flavour.

prommie October 21, 2011 at 2:40 pm

People think I am snarkin when I say this, but you just know she would be fucking awesome in the sack. Scary, exhilirating, something you feel glad to have survived, like jumping out of an airplane.

DashboardBuddha October 21, 2011 at 2:49 pm

sort of like a ferret with aspergers syndrome a cocaine addiction, but with more curves.

prommie October 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm

You nailed it there.

FNMA October 21, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I know what your talking about. You feel lucky to get out of it with a broken ankle and all of your clothes burning in the driveway.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:36 pm

You're talking about the ones where, afterwards, you realize that dozing off might not be a good idea? Those are rare. (If they're not, you're probably doing something wrong … or hanging out in the wrong bar.)

YouBetcha October 21, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. I would hit that. I wonder if she's ever been with a woman before.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm

She deserves to be hit with something.

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:40 pm

And that something needs 4 wheels.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Only one way to find out, grrl. I'd bring a spare change of clothing and a big towel, antiseptic ointment, band-aids, scissors, surgical needle and thread, a ball-gag, cuffs, a riding-crop, and a (hidden) gun, car key, and phone.

YouBetcha October 21, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Aside from the riding crop, I'm pretty sure I'm carrying all of that in my purse. But it's ok. Anything I forget, I'm sure Marcus will be able to provide.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Until she bites through your nutsack, anyway.

LiveToServeYa October 24, 2011 at 10:30 am

Too bad Marcus will never know.

i_AM_ready October 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

–Anderson! Anderson!…. AndersonAndersonAnderson! Anderson! Anderson!

–Yes, Congresswoman Bachmann?

–Um, I forgot….Oh yes, 999 upside down is the devil!

–[crickets]

not that Dewey October 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

That makes all of us much danger. What happens in Michele's head should stay in Michele's head.

LabRodent October 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

She peaked to early with the Bat Shit Crazy, you have to let it ooze out a la Herman Cain.

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Needs more santorum.

LabRodent October 21, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Missed it by THAT much.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:13 pm

She peaked to early..

And she flipped out and took off before Drums and Space even started!

SorosBot October 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

It's amazing how fast a campaign can fall apart when the person in charge has an untreated serious mental illness and also no clue what the fuck she's doing.

BerkeleyBear October 21, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Oh she knows what she's doing. It just only makes sense if you are suffering from schizophrenia yourself.

SorosBot October 21, 2011 at 3:09 pm

The bidding of the voices in her head that she calls "god"?

LabRodent October 21, 2011 at 2:13 pm

You've just described have the managers in this Laboratory.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Only *half*? Damn, you're lucky.

YouBetcha October 21, 2011 at 3:08 pm

That's no way to speak about Marcus.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I dunno … Palin managed to keep at it for years. The secret seems to be in keeping the crazy under wraps, while letting only the stupid out.

LetUsBray October 22, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Yep; Rill Amurka loves teh stupid, but is still leery of teh crazy.

An_Outhouse October 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I can't figure how the bat shit crazies get people to work for them. How did she make it this far?

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:23 pm

She has a very high staff turnover, and all her ex-staffers badmouth her. She gets fresh bodies because the employment situation sucks so bad. In a good economy, she would be begging for workers, assuming she ever even got into office.

AJWjr. October 21, 2011 at 6:57 pm

It amazes me to think they might be true believers.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 11:41 pm

They truly believe she's an absolute shit once they've gotten up close and personal.

OneYieldRegular October 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

If San Francisco ignores you when you come to town, you've really hit rock bottom. I bet she didn't even get panhandled.

chicken_thief October 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

The Commonwealth Club? Isn't that a tittie bar in the Filmore District?

Fare la Volpe October 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm

We prefer the term Sapphic Obedience Respite.

Isyaignert October 24, 2011 at 2:54 am

Oh, there you go again you libural elitist educated big-word Commie.

meatlofer October 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You ever had a New Hampshire Corn Dog? They smell like a Guatemalan Shit House.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:11 pm

You ever had a New Hampshire Corn Dog? They smell like…"

This must be one of those cross-border Vermont jokes?

SayItWithWookies October 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

This is what happens when you try to appeal to the godless secularists at the GOP — they reject your powerful message of putting up the ten commandments everywhere and making science classes teach the geocentric universe theory out of sheer dogmatic intransigence. Prophets are always rejected in their hometown nation continent planet.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Prophets are always rejected in their hometown nation continent planet universe.

FIFY, NNTT

ifthethunderdontgetya October 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

…although reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser.

Win-win, for the rest of us entertainment junkies.

They're caught between Scylla and Charybdis, (or Crazy She1y and Santorum, for you moderns out there).
~

Indiepalin October 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Fuck the Police.

Chet Kincaid October 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

You are a clever clog!

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Unfortunately, Santorum abhors a vacuum. Therefore, this means more Santorum.

not that Dewey October 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Nature is gonna insist on a wet/dry shopvac and some hospital disinfectant.

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Blights in Whie Satin.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Blights in Whie Whine Satin.

FIFY, NNTT

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Tx for the correction, I was typing frantically as my boss was trying to look over my shoulder. But Whine Satin is better.

LesBontemps October 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Nature is gonna insist on a wet/dry shopvac

But I thought Nature abhors a vacuum?

not that Dewey October 21, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Nature likes Santorum even less.

Indiepalin October 21, 2011 at 3:28 pm

And Sarah Palin abhors a vacuum cleaner.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:30 pm

But MICHELE sold video tapes of her vacuum-cleaning her carpet in high heels!

AJWjr. October 21, 2011 at 7:01 pm

As do most house pets.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:10 pm

abhors

Now why did you have to bring the Situation into this?

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Now that she and Sarah are gone to the realm of insignificant who's gonna take up the mantle of Bat Shit Crazy Bitch? I can't Wonk this election with out at least one psycho cunt.

nounverb911 October 21, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Virginia Foxxx?

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I thought her Naughty Girls Need Love Too song sucked but if your turned down the sound the video was awsome!!!!!!!

GFPcat October 21, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Looks like a lucky break for the understudy, Xtine O'Donnell

Chet Kincaid October 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Next debate, Cain debuts his sassy black momma alter-ego, "Medea". Hide the children.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Hide yo' husband! Hide yo' wife, too!

I swear to god if Cain shows up in a dress I will drag him off the stage and beat him to death with his wig.

horsedreamer_1 October 22, 2011 at 2:05 am

You know who else is a middle-aged black man from Georgia?

Tyler Perry.

How do we know Herman Cain isn't just TP's latest burlesque?

Pristine_ODummy October 22, 2011 at 2:30 am

Because NObody ever hated black people more than Herman Cain. Well, maybe Uncle Ruckus.

chicken_thief October 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm

"…with out at least one psycho cunt. "

What, did Santorum drop out, too?!

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Herman Cain's not enough of a psycho cunt for you? Try Rick Perry. He's on the verge of losing it, he should be good for about another week.

Callyson October 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"I don't think she's irrelevant from a conservative point of view," said Sally Zelikovsky, a Marin County Tea Party organizer who was headed to a private, $100-a-person fundraiser in Napa for Bachmann. "A lot of conservatives still haven't made up their mind."
There's a ringing endorsement…

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Note the many "conservatives" but only one "mind."

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 3:09 pm

And even that is overstating it.

LesBontemps October 21, 2011 at 3:06 pm

If she's only getting a hundred bucks a head for a private Napa fundraiser she might as well be turning tricks in some Tenderloin alley.

imissopus October 21, 2011 at 3:22 pm

What do you think Marcus was doing while she was attending the fundraiser?

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

You can make a LOT more than a lousy $100 turning tricks in the Tenderloin.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 21, 2011 at 3:25 pm

"Marin County Tea Party" does not compute.

MaxNeanderthal October 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I think there's some heavy constructive editing going on in those statements, as in "I don't think she's irrelevant from a conservative point of view, YET, but we're still waiting to hear from the GOP branch on the dark side of Pluto before we can definitely say she's completely fucking irrelevant"…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:59 pm

That would take some of the punch out of her latest bumper stickers:

"Bachmann … not entirely irrelevant."

lulzmonger October 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm

WINGNUT TROLLING EPIC WIN = http://www.seattlepi.com/news/article/Official-Ob

BarackMyWorld October 21, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Barry can send a dozen guys to Israel to help someone move and we hear people bitch about it for weeks…he finally brings home the last 4,000 troops from one of our most hated wars and no one says a peep.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Hey, he took out three of the people the RWNJs have been bitching about (and stealing our rights and our money by trying to SCARE us about) for ELEVEN LONG FUCKING YEARS, and what was the response?

1. Osama bin Laden — Bush did it; Cheney did it; the Navy SEALS did it;
2. Anwar al-Awlaki — ILLEGAL! Violation of sovereignty! Cruel and Unnatural!
3. Muammar Gadhafi — War Powers Act! Not fast enough! Too soon! Too slow! The French did it!

They will not give the man credit if he single-handedly hauls each and every one of them, personally, out of Satan's Pit of Fire(tm).

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Not even Obama is getting them out. Trust me.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:29 pm

And here I was carefully NOT invoking your name, in case you showed up.

OTOH, I'm kinda glad you're in charge, Biely. You sure know how to stick it to the deserving.

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I guess crazy with pizza is just better than plain old crazy.

Eve8Apples October 21, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Too much crazy and not enough pepperoni and extra cheese.

BornInATrailer October 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Yep. Why have just crazy when you can have crazy bread.

poncho_pilot October 21, 2011 at 2:30 pm

a Godfather or a Little Caesar. both would make equally bad choices for president.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Depends on the pizza.

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Or pizza that tastes like depends….*gack*….I just made myself sick.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Think POSITIVE! You have assisted me in adhering to my weight loss prograaaargh blaaargh.

Never mind.

Schmannnity October 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Riddle of the day: You wake up in bed with Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Katherine Harris. What next?

SorosBot October 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Puke?

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Seriously! I would probably have to order out for some more vomit because I'd run out of my own.

memzilla October 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Pics, Photoshop, and extortion. Next question?

HedonismBot October 21, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Um, fuck, marry, kill?

RadioOcupados October 21, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Coyote stupid?

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Is that where you knaw off your ears and eat your brain to get away from them???

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I like this solution.

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Is this like the guy in Monty Python's Meaning of LIfe who gets chased over the cliff by a pack of naked women?
http://vimeo.com/10798467

SayItWithWookies October 21, 2011 at 2:32 pm

There is no next — the world has already ended.

LabRodent October 21, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Lots and Lots of Xanax.

BlueStateLibel October 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

You realize you should have gone to church more often and been a much nicer person.

Dok-cupy Everything October 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Ask Oedipus and Glouchester.

DashboardBuddha October 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Oedipus smedipus…as long as you love your mother.

not that Dewey October 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

Hey, Oedipus? What's wrong with your eyes?

I gouged them out.

Well, that was stupid.

baconzgood October 21, 2011 at 2:48 pm

You have just replaced James Joyce's description from A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man of what hell is.

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Or Munch's "The Scream" personified.

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Make them all submit, just like their Bible says.

prommie October 21, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Wow! Its not so much what I woul do, but in what order! Kitty Harris, Meeeoowww! I think I would kick Palin out, to be honest, she'd be annoying, those other two would be fun, though.

Chet Kincaid October 21, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Kitty's a bit man-faced, but she knows how to ride.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 21, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Shelly and Lou could stay as long as they promised not to talk.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm

That's what ball-gags are for, dear. That, and pony gear.

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Kinky!

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Equestrian Kitty would probably bring her own such gear.

LesPaultard October 21, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Round 3!

imissopus October 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Tell Satan I prefer the room where they stand up to their knees in shit while sipping coffee.

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Until break's over? BWAHAAHAAHAAHAA!

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:45 pm

At least, in Hell, one doesn't have to leave their station to smoke.

imissopus October 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm

The classics never go out of style.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 5:09 pm

This is pretty clearly Hell, but that's not how it works. You report, I decide.

GFPcat October 21, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Take more of whatever horrific drug got you into that situation.

chicken_thief October 21, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I'm surprised no one said "live in fear for the rest of my life 'cause Marcus or Tawd would surely kick my ass".

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Oh, come ON. You know both Marcus AND Toad would gladly pay any amount asked if you'd just keep their respective spouses.

MaxNeanderthal October 21, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Grow digging claws on your back, so as to burrow down into the mattress until only the eyes are showing…..

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm

We need to talk about your reading material.

Eve8Apples October 21, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Kitty offers to mount Sarah Lou and ride her like a circus pony. Sarah says "Yes" only if Kitty contributes $1,000.00 to Sarah PAC so she can continue thinking about running for President while being ridden. Michele screams "LESBIAN CONSPIRACY" and runs out of the room begging Marcus to "PRAY IT AWAY!!!"
I immediately phone the Betty Ford Clinic and tell them to reserve me a room. I never drink or abuse my prescription medication again.

kissawookiee October 21, 2011 at 3:53 pm

The Aristocrats?

DashboardBuddha October 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

brilliant!

yyyaz October 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Kill Ashton Kutcher?

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm

You run screaming out of the house without no pants, and get busted 100 yards away.

Alternatively, you realize it's all a bad dream and resolve not to hit the bottle so hard in the night-time.

AJWjr. October 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Jesus, how many sammiches do I really need?

Negropolis October 22, 2011 at 12:07 am

I can assure you with all three of them in the bed, you wouldn't wake up. Between the three of them, one of them would have certainly cannabalized you.

starfanglednut October 23, 2011 at 9:13 am

Ummm, look around on the floor for your genitals?

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

You have to admit, it's pretty remarkable when a politician manages to make San Francisco's gay men sit on their hands rather than something else.

What? I meant chairs, you twisted pervert!

Geminisunmars October 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Random upfisting.

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Reach around return upfisting.

mrblifil October 21, 2011 at 3:46 pm

You're suggesting they like to sit and spin?

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

What's good for Linda Blair's head, is good for the dandies!

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Oh, sure you did, user, sure you did.

Eve8Apples October 21, 2011 at 2:17 pm

The paid staff is quitting?

But…But…But…I thought Republicans were job CREATORS!

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:09 pm

"paid staff"

Money for nothing, chicks for free…

edgydrifter October 21, 2011 at 2:18 pm

First they fight you, then they laugh at you, then they ignore you, and then you lose.

–Mahatma Bachmann

PuckStopsHere October 21, 2011 at 5:24 pm

She's the mother of nonsensical resistance!

Fred_Wertham_Jr October 21, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I was gonna go but, like everybody in the East Bay, I was just way too stoned.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Speak for yourself, Fred. The rest of the stoners are wondering if their dispensaries will still be open in two weeks.

Fred_Wertham_Jr October 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I wish you the best. I was never comfortable with the card and dispensary thing.

johnnyzhivago October 21, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Sarah, your country needs you!!!

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:08 pm

To quit right now!

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Ah, Michele, we hardly knew ye.

mrblifil October 21, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I think her husband has never known her. IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:45 pm

So … all those kids … I mean, parthenogenesis has never been conclusively proven in higher animals …

slithytoves October 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Why would an unqualified candidate pilfer staff who have proven to be no antidote to an unqualified candidate?

I guess that's part of being an unqualified candidate. Thank the goddess it's Friday.

memzilla October 21, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Because they have experience with unqualified candidates.

fuflans October 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

MICHELE BACHMANN spoke at the commonwealth club?

man california really is hurting isn't it?

Antispandex October 21, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I think foolish pride may keep her in long enough to see if she can get a Palin style pity VP nod. However, if people keep picking on her, it may drive her crazy…and it's a very short ride.

LetUsBray October 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I think she has a decent chance to get it: Willard will probably get the nomination, which means the VP choice will have to appease the Teabaggers, the Batshit Crazies, and the Talibangelicals. Willard and Gov. Goodhair clearly loathe each other, so it's either her or Pizza Man, and I think when you get down to it they'll find him unpleasantly Near.

PristinePantalones October 23, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Yup. Especially now that the Near has also been shown to be "pro-choice."

DemonicRage October 21, 2011 at 2:31 pm

How many more debates will she tell us how many children she has, how many foster children she has, and how, in Congress, it was like she was Jesus wandering thru the desert or wandering through the wilderness, because no one except her understood how important it was that PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL BE A ONE TERM PRESIDENT. I got to hear all those things at least 15 more times.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Moses goes into the desert, Jesus comes out. You can't explain it.

horsedreamer_1 October 23, 2011 at 3:35 am

Never an exegesis.

grex1949 October 21, 2011 at 7:51 pm

You're watching the debates? I catch the highlights the next day, and even that's too much for my blood pressure.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Trust me, it's too much for my blood pressure, which is normally a lizardoid 98/58.

BTWBFDIMHO October 21, 2011 at 2:31 pm

And Perry is recruiting people who used to work for Bachmann? Sounds like talent doesn't abound over there…

Eve8Apples October 21, 2011 at 2:39 pm

As they say in Texas, Perry needs to rethink his strateeejury.

MaxNeanderthal October 21, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Your talking the kid's paddling end of the gene pool there….

Steverino247 October 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Bachman is an effective fertilizer due to her high levels of phosphorus and nitrogen and also her lack of odor. She was an important source of nitrates for gunpowder. Soil that is deficient in organic matter can be made more productive by addition of this candidate.

Yup, just wait until the AG states vote in the primaries. They know how important batshit crazy can be.

Guppy06 October 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

"Guano" sounds too ethnic, ifyouknowwhatimean.

kingcocrazy October 21, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Perry's going to hire some of Michele's staffers? Maybe Ricky and Marcus had a little pillow talk. After all, rentboys and campaign staffers are practically the same thing.

LettucePrey October 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

She is such a loser, in fact, that the roaming liberal hippie mobs of San Francisco did not even bother to wander over and chant some godless queerness at her when she visited the city on Thursday, even for old times’ sake, for fear of catching a boredom-induced coma.

Indeed, in SF we protest the changing of a light bulb. So if we don’t care about you, nobody does.

(Also, we had two minor earthquakes yesterday, each of which garnered approximately 4,317 Facebook updates from my friends, with still nary a peep about Cheley’s presence among us.)

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 3:51 pm

How many SF hippies does it take to protest the changing of a light bulb?

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Someone should point out to her that the CFL's have right-handed threads, just like traditional, conservative, Real American Christian incandescent bulbs.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Only one, but the lightbulb has to *want* to change.

mourningnmerica October 21, 2011 at 3:05 pm

God must really hate her to put her through this kind of humiliation.

GOPCrusher October 21, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I was thinking the same thing, Michele's Gawd is a cruel bastard.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

He's not a very nice fellow at ALL! He told Herman Cain that HE was the chosen one, and then he went and told Rick DinglePerry the same exact thing! And this was after he told Michele she was his best girl and truly speshul.

El Pinche October 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Now lose your reelection you cross-eyed psychotic baby farmer.

emmelemm October 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Love your avatar!

PS She's not running for re-election. Huzzah!! (She put all her eggs in the "gonna be President" basket.)

GOPCrusher October 21, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Michele is finding out that just because you tell people that God told you to run for President, it doesn't automatically make it so.

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

How does one know when to harvest? How do we know when a baby is ripe?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Who cares, so long as you get the subsidies?

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

That's only if you leave your womb fallow…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 10:59 pm

… hence the adopted kids.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Messicans know.

They just know…

RadioOcupados October 22, 2011 at 2:03 am

Ripeness begins at conception.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

psychotic baby farmer

Those babies don't grow on trees!

Wait–maybe they do….

ChurchofRealism October 21, 2011 at 3:15 pm

And Marcus celebrated with poppers and a leather gimp suit. The end.

mourningnmerica October 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

The "Pray Michele Away" movement is to be commended. I myself asked the Almighty to have her choke to death on a sandwich. While he didn't do this for me, I give all praise and glory to Him for these recent developments.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

"Strange and mysterious ways" are indistinguishable from a sick sense of humor. Terry Pratchett fans aside, the former is an easier sell.

Indiepalin October 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm

This is good news for the Manson family.

subsum October 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Marcus is teh ghey… that smile don't lie.

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Tonight, between the gin and the tears, Michelle's going to be sifting through the photos of her 438 children to see which one will look best holding a doll and thrusting out a pouty lower lip during her resignation speech.

jus_wonderin October 21, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Is there a pregnant one? Those work well too, also.

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Or a vacuous one with enormous tits and a Daily Beast blog.

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2011 at 12:28 am

Especially an unmarried pregnant one who can be seen as making lemonade from lemons.

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 3:44 pm

It's a measure of how worried Obama is about Bachmann's momentum that he felt the need to announce the US withdrawal from Iraq.

mrblifil October 21, 2011 at 3:44 pm

There's a double-layer neoprene wetsuit and dildo story in here somewhere.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

"Bachmann’s entire New Hampshire staff has resigned en masse because she refuses to focus on the state"

Jeez, people — look at her eyes. She can't focus on any state smaller than Iowa. It's not right to discriminate over a medical condition!

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Despite your reputation for cruelty, Biely, you can be very kind. Sometimes.

Or perhaps you and The Other Guy have some kind of agreement regarding MishMash?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm

We have a bet, if that's what you mean.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 11:52 pm

No details?

finallyhappy October 21, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I "unliked" a business in NH on FB- they deleted my comment that they needed to sanitize aftger Santorum was there.

Poindexter718 October 21, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Welcome to the Feck Off and Die state, Rep. Baby Farmer.

DahBoner October 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Whatever happened to Mitt Romney's baby?

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:12 pm

He *had* one? Goodness, and he never even *showed.*

NellCote71 October 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

You have to know your Texas politics, but when John Connolly switched from Democrat to Republican, Ralph Yarbrough famously said that it was the first time he had heard of a rat swimming toward a sinking ship.

Thedongsofwar October 21, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Maybe Marcus can comfort her with some passionate "I'm sorry" sex. If he's up for it.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I don't think "passionate" and "sex" belong in any description of Michele and Marcus' private life together.

YasserArraFeck October 21, 2011 at 4:10 pm

It's not the she refuses to focus on New Hampster – the poor cow can't focus on it. We've all seen her try to look into a camera. It's those eyes…..those crazy eyes…….

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Yeah, well, the REAL reason none of those godless commie fags showed up to protest Michele is, Marcus was blowing them all for free down in the Castro.

owhatever October 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Never fear. Marcus will suck it up. Things work out.

JackObin October 21, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I see a public meltdown in Little Michelle's future, perhaps a striptease to "God Bless the U.S.A".

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

They haven't offered her a job yet, and chances are they never will, since they already have a blonde (Greta van Suckholen) who is also a lawyer by training.

Negropolis October 23, 2011 at 12:28 am

But, she's marginally prettier than Greta, which is how they choose hosts on that network, so Shells still has a shot.

PristinePantalones October 23, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Actually — and I know I'm gonna get my ass kicked for this, so go ahead — she's not too bad for an old broad. Good cheekbones, nice nose, and fairly good skin (yes, she's got wrinkles, but hey, she's in her late 50s). Trim figure, nice legs, a full head of hair. If only someone would cut her vocal chords, she might be worth fucking.

And Greta van Suckhole is the ugliest woman on god's green earth, if my eyes don't lie. A horse-faced bitch with a mean slash of a mouth. Kissing her would be like making out with a surgical glove.

marinmaven October 21, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Last time she was in the Bay Area, she could only fetch 100 buck a plate dinner in Marin County which features the wealthiest zipcodes in the nation. That told me that she wasn't even close to being a serious candidate, but a freak sideshow for the few bored GOP/T-baggers they could scrounge up in the most liberal place in the country. Slathered in loser sauce, all you can see is her crazy eyes.

Walkinwiddaking October 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

It shows you how desperate some people are. Would you want to hook your job to a nut job like this?

ttommyunger October 21, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I AM flabbergasted; flabbergasted it took this fucking long.

LesPaultard October 21, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Close enough.
Please. That's close enough.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 21, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Perhaps 18.

user-of-owls October 21, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Compared to Santorum's little girl, he's too much of a cry baby.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Go for it… but you'll have to do better than the old approach-in-the-ladies-room strategy. I hear she's on to that one.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I have a small, tasteful, leather riding-crop I could loan you. But I want first dibs on any shots of you using it on MaSheley.

AJWjr. October 21, 2011 at 6:54 pm

You're both forgetting the jumper cables.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Heck, it's a gimmee.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Always happy to help out, amigo. In fact, should I drop by and stick both fingers in the boss's eyes?

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I'm not *even* gonna remind anybody about come-cups, or whatever it was certain grandfatherly kinksters might have opined about, oncet, in this very sacred place, heah.

(whistles, walks away, hands in pockets)

proudgrampa October 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Sweetheart, you are never going to let me live that down, huh?

Love,

proudgrampa

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Never, darling, NEVER!!

So, you gonna cum clean, or what? :D

Love you too, grampa.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 11:49 pm

With five of her own, her baby-bag ain't exactly fallow.

Pristine_ODummy October 21, 2011 at 11:51 pm

And here I thought you were an innocent young'un, Guppy.

Guppy06 October 22, 2011 at 12:38 am

I was sent here by the world's worst high school civics teacher, and you commenters have roont me!

Pristine_ODummy October 22, 2011 at 12:58 am

Will it make you feel better if I say I have been TORTURED by guilt ever since?

No, my name isn't Tony Baloney, geez, what fucking cynics you Wonketteerz are.

Pristine_ODummy October 22, 2011 at 2:23 am

Thank you, thank you. I knew I'd forgotten something.

trampndirtdown October 22, 2011 at 11:07 am

Boondocks FTW

LetUsBray October 22, 2011 at 8:28 pm

So soon do we forget Clarence Thomas, who I always thought was at least part of the inspiration for Uncle Ruckus.

PristinePantalones October 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Is that that little girl's song, whatever her name is? I never did hear it, so nyah-nyah, your earworming didn't work. ;-P

PristinePantalones October 23, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Clarence Thomas is best forgotten. Has he ever dissed black people in public like Uncle Herb, tho?

Chet Kincaid October 24, 2011 at 11:10 am

Only relatives:
http://www.raceandhistory.com/historicalviews/cla

Nobody saw what I did there, with "Medea" and "children"? Are you not classically entertained? (I'm pathetic.)

PristinePantalones October 24, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Oh, duh — I'm really not that quick on the uptake, Chet, pls 2 forgive. Jeez. How could I have missed that? Medea's was a formative myth in my young life. I think I read it when I was six or seven, and developed the uncomfortable (for my parents) habit of checking the cooking pots on the stove for evidence that the parental units had cooked my younger siblings.

Thanks for that linky. Very informative. Thomas really is a to-the-bone headcase, isn't he? I wonder why he and Ginny don't have kids?

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