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Michele Bachmann’s New Hampshire Staff All Fleeing Like Hell

This means Jesus loves me even more, right?!?! RIGHT???Epic head case Michele Bachmann’s entire New Hampshire staff has resigned en masse because she refuses to focus on the state, although reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser. She is such a loser, in fact, that the roaming liberal hippie mobs of San Francisco did not even bother to wander over and chant some godless queerness at her when she visited the city on Thursday, even for old times’ sake, for fear of catching a boredom-induced coma. 

The San Francisco Chronicle gleefully reports:

Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann’s Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by – sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.

“Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town,” said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.

Or maybe they are waiting for the dry cleaning to be finished, or for some grass to grow, or for the warranty on their blenders to expire. All are more fun than waiting for Michele Bachmann. [CNN/SFGate]

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      1. baconzgood

        I shit you not, when I heard about the Free Randy Travis concert she had I thought the same thing.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I initially read this as "whiner of the Iowa Straw Poll" and thought: how appropriate.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Only two people in history have won the Iowa straw poll and gone on to be President:

      Jimmy Carter
      George W. Bush

      …Remind me again why we give this thing legitimacy.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          I remember when W. was touted for '96, after just two years as governor. Didn't end up happening. Would have been too obvious of the Bushes's designs on being the Assads or Kims of the U.S.

          1. LetUsBray

            It's a shame he didn't go for it then; Mr. Bill would have crushed him like a bug, and that would have been that.

    3. kissawookiee

      Next thing we know, you'll be claiming that "most likely to succeed" in a high school yearbook has no relevance either.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I'm still trying to live down that third grade gum chewing incident that ended up on my permanent record.

    1. poncho_pilot

      like over six months ago? i know people who have been fired for missing a day of work. what a sweet gig, this Congress thing.

    2. Callyson

      Or, perhaps we're better off with her on the campaign trail. Do we *want* her to do some work in DC?

      1. baconzgood

        She's a tea bagger. They don't work they just bitch about people getting government money and free health care for doing nothing.

    3. kissawookiee

      When Gabby Giffords has made more votes in the past ten months than you have, well, might be a wee hint that you have something of an attendance problem, and far fewer excuses.

    4. user-of-owls

      when was the last time she was in DC?

      "When da lass time she was in D runnin'?"
      –Herman Cain

    5. Isyaignert

      Well, at the debate she said, "I'm a federal tax attorney…" forgetting that she's a member of Congress. Probably wishful thinking on everyone's part. WTF is wrong with people in her district? Don't they know what a fukkin' batshit crazy idiot she is?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      And she didn't notice them turning all yellow and orange and red? Oh right, the eyes … never mind.

  1. CapnFatback

    Jumping from the Bachmann to the Perry campaign?

    Isn't that like jumping out of the Hindenberg to land upon the tranquil, safe main deck of the Titanic?

    1. not that Dewey

      I was just thinking that reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser implies that Rick Perry is NOT a blathering loser, and I got confused.

      1. MaxNeanderthal

        Although "all elephants are four legged animals, not all four legged animals etc. etc." Though in this case as all republicans are cunts, therefore all cunts are republicans…..

      1. CapnFatback

        I am humbled. I will put it next to my "Best Potato Skin Comment at T.G.I. Friday's" medal on my mantel.

  2. chicken_thief

    Sometimes the Republican conviction to stick to the Party line en masse is a beauty to behold. Not often, mind you, but sometimes….

    1. Banelm

      And this isn't even the best part yet. Just wait until the Tea Party line runs up against the full electorate in the general election. Confusion and delight await us all.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Michele, not unlike the common farm pig, devours her young before they leave the sty.

        Her voices told her that it if she eats the heart she can gain their courage…

      2. Jukesgrrl

        I don't think any of them were there long enough to remember her. They probably just remember "that lady who was taking checks to the bank all the time."

  3. memzilla

    So now she'll be in full Grift-O-Matic mode, with another book coming out?

    No, wait, I've got it: a Wasilla-like appeal for dollars, to show that Teabag Nation really really really wants her to run?

    No, no, I've got it: an appeal for dollars to mount a lobbying effort for a Constitutional amendment prohibiting teh gheyness!

    It'll be the Pray Away The Gay Amendment: "because the only ones who should be legally f***ing you in the a** is the top 1%!"

    1. MadBrahms

      Shorter Max Weber: The government is defined by a monopoly on force forcing its way into your rectum.

  4. Dok-cupy Everything

    Waiting For Bachmann isn't bad, although it lacks the sheer manic energy of This Is Hermän Cäin

  5. Goonemeritus

    God I miss her, today’s GOP contenders seem two dimensional compared to Michele. She was full throated, barking mad, old school crazy just the way I like-em.

    1. prommie

      People think I am snarkin when I say this, but you just know she would be fucking awesome in the sack. Scary, exhilirating, something you feel glad to have survived, like jumping out of an airplane.

      1. FNMA

        I know what your talking about. You feel lucky to get out of it with a broken ankle and all of your clothes burning in the driveway.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          You're talking about the ones where, afterwards, you realize that dozing off might not be a good idea? Those are rare. (If they're not, you're probably doing something wrong … or hanging out in the wrong bar.)

      2. YouBetcha

        Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. I would hit that. I wonder if she's ever been with a woman before.

        1. Pristine_ODummy

          Only one way to find out, grrl. I'd bring a spare change of clothing and a big towel, antiseptic ointment, band-aids, scissors, surgical needle and thread, a ball-gag, cuffs, a riding-crop, and a (hidden) gun, car key, and phone.

          1. YouBetcha

            Aside from the riding crop, I'm pretty sure I'm carrying all of that in my purse. But it's ok. Anything I forget, I'm sure Marcus will be able to provide.

          2. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Go for it… but you'll have to do better than the old approach-in-the-ladies-room strategy. I hear she's on to that one.

  6. i_AM_ready

    –Anderson! Anderson!…. AndersonAndersonAnderson! Anderson! Anderson!

    –Yes, Congresswoman Bachmann?

    –Um, I forgot….Oh yes, 999 upside down is the devil!


    1. not that Dewey

      That makes all of us much danger. What happens in Michele's head should stay in Michele's head.

  7. SorosBot

    It's amazing how fast a campaign can fall apart when the person in charge has an untreated serious mental illness and also no clue what the fuck she's doing.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Oh she knows what she's doing. It just only makes sense if you are suffering from schizophrenia yourself.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I dunno … Palin managed to keep at it for years. The secret seems to be in keeping the crazy under wraps, while letting only the stupid out.

    3. An_Outhouse

      I can't figure how the bat shit crazies get people to work for them. How did she make it this far?

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        She has a very high staff turnover, and all her ex-staffers badmouth her. She gets fresh bodies because the employment situation sucks so bad. In a good economy, she would be begging for workers, assuming she ever even got into office.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    If San Francisco ignores you when you come to town, you've really hit rock bottom. I bet she didn't even get panhandled.

    1. DahBoner

      You ever had a New Hampshire Corn Dog? They smell like…"

      This must be one of those cross-border Vermont jokes?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    This is what happens when you try to appeal to the godless secularists at the GOP — they reject your powerful message of putting up the ten commandments everywhere and making science classes teach the geocentric universe theory out of sheer dogmatic intransigence. Prophets are always rejected in their hometown nation continent planet.

  10. ifthethunderdontgetya

    …although reports saying that Rick Perry’s campaign is already busy pilfering some of them indicate this is mostly due to her being a blathering loser.

    Win-win, for the rest of us entertainment junkies.

    They're caught between Scylla and Charybdis, (or Crazy She1y and Santorum, for you moderns out there).

          1. RadioOcupados

            Tx for the correction, I was typing frantically as my boss was trying to look over my shoulder. But Whine Satin is better.

  11. baconzgood

    Now that she and Sarah are gone to the realm of insignificant who's gonna take up the mantle of Bat Shit Crazy Bitch? I can't Wonk this election with out at least one psycho cunt.

      1. baconzgood

        I thought her Naughty Girls Need Love Too song sucked but if your turned down the sound the video was awsome!!!!!!!

        1. horsedreamer_1

          You know who else is a middle-aged black man from Georgia?

          Tyler Perry.

          How do we know Herman Cain isn't just TP's latest burlesque?

          1. LetUsBray

            So soon do we forget Clarence Thomas, who I always thought was at least part of the inspiration for Uncle Ruckus.

          2. PristinePantalones

            Oh, duh — I'm really not that quick on the uptake, Chet, pls 2 forgive. Jeez. How could I have missed that? Medea's was a formative myth in my young life. I think I read it when I was six or seven, and developed the uncomfortable (for my parents) habit of checking the cooking pots on the stove for evidence that the parental units had cooked my younger siblings.

            Thanks for that linky. Very informative. Thomas really is a to-the-bone headcase, isn't he? I wonder why he and Ginny don't have kids?

  12. Callyson

    "I don't think she's irrelevant from a conservative point of view," said Sally Zelikovsky, a Marin County Tea Party organizer who was headed to a private, $100-a-person fundraiser in Napa for Bachmann. "A lot of conservatives still haven't made up their mind."
    There's a ringing endorsement…

    1. LesBontemps

      If she's only getting a hundred bucks a head for a private Napa fundraiser she might as well be turning tricks in some Tenderloin alley.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      I think there's some heavy constructive editing going on in those statements, as in "I don't think she's irrelevant from a conservative point of view, YET, but we're still waiting to hear from the GOP branch on the dark side of Pluto before we can definitely say she's completely fucking irrelevant"…

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        That would take some of the punch out of her latest bumper stickers:

        "Bachmann … not entirely irrelevant."

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Barry can send a dozen guys to Israel to help someone move and we hear people bitch about it for weeks…he finally brings home the last 4,000 troops from one of our most hated wars and no one says a peep.

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        Hey, he took out three of the people the RWNJs have been bitching about (and stealing our rights and our money by trying to SCARE us about) for ELEVEN LONG FUCKING YEARS, and what was the response?

        1. Osama bin Laden — Bush did it; Cheney did it; the Navy SEALS did it;
        2. Anwar al-Awlaki — ILLEGAL! Violation of sovereignty! Cruel and Unnatural!
        3. Muammar Gadhafi — War Powers Act! Not fast enough! Too soon! Too slow! The French did it!

        They will not give the man credit if he single-handedly hauls each and every one of them, personally, out of Satan's Pit of Fire(tm).

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            And here I was carefully NOT invoking your name, in case you showed up.

            OTOH, I'm kinda glad you're in charge, Biely. You sure know how to stick it to the deserving.

  13. Schmannnity

    Riddle of the day: You wake up in bed with Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Katherine Harris. What next?

      1. baconzgood

        Seriously! I would probably have to order out for some more vomit because I'd run out of my own.

    1. baconzgood

      You have just replaced James Joyce's description from A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man of what hell is.

    2. prommie

      Wow! Its not so much what I woul do, but in what order! Kitty Harris, Meeeoowww! I think I would kick Palin out, to be honest, she'd be annoying, those other two would be fun, though.

          1. Pristine_ODummy

            I'm not *even* gonna remind anybody about come-cups, or whatever it was certain grandfatherly kinksters might have opined about, oncet, in this very sacred place, heah.

            (whistles, walks away, hands in pockets)

    3. chicken_thief

      I'm surprised no one said "live in fear for the rest of my life 'cause Marcus or Tawd would surely kick my ass".

    4. MaxNeanderthal

      Grow digging claws on your back, so as to burrow down into the mattress until only the eyes are showing…..

    5. Eve8Apples

      Kitty offers to mount Sarah Lou and ride her like a circus pony. Sarah says "Yes" only if Kitty contributes $1,000.00 to Sarah PAC so she can continue thinking about running for President while being ridden. Michele screams "LESBIAN CONSPIRACY" and runs out of the room begging Marcus to "PRAY IT AWAY!!!"
      I immediately phone the Betty Ford Clinic and tell them to reserve me a room. I never drink or abuse my prescription medication again.

    6. Pristine_ODummy

      You run screaming out of the house without no pants, and get busted 100 yards away.

      Alternatively, you realize it's all a bad dream and resolve not to hit the bottle so hard in the night-time.

    7. Negropolis

      I can assure you with all three of them in the bed, you wouldn't wake up. Between the three of them, one of them would have certainly cannabalized you.

  14. user-of-owls

    You have to admit, it's pretty remarkable when a politician manages to make San Francisco's gay men sit on their hands rather than something else.

    What? I meant chairs, you twisted pervert!

  15. edgydrifter

    First they fight you, then they laugh at you, then they ignore you, and then you lose.

    –Mahatma Bachmann

  16. slithytoves

    Why would an unqualified candidate pilfer staff who have proven to be no antidote to an unqualified candidate?

    I guess that's part of being an unqualified candidate. Thank the goddess it's Friday.

  17. Antispandex

    I think foolish pride may keep her in long enough to see if she can get a Palin style pity VP nod. However, if people keep picking on her, it may drive her crazy…and it's a very short ride.

    1. LetUsBray

      I think she has a decent chance to get it: Willard will probably get the nomination, which means the VP choice will have to appease the Teabaggers, the Batshit Crazies, and the Talibangelicals. Willard and Gov. Goodhair clearly loathe each other, so it's either her or Pizza Man, and I think when you get down to it they'll find him unpleasantly Near.

  18. DemonicRage

    How many more debates will she tell us how many children she has, how many foster children she has, and how, in Congress, it was like she was Jesus wandering thru the desert or wandering through the wilderness, because no one except her understood how important it was that PRESIDENT OBAMA WILL BE A ONE TERM PRESIDENT. I got to hear all those things at least 15 more times.

    1. grex1949

      You're watching the debates? I catch the highlights the next day, and even that's too much for my blood pressure.


    And Perry is recruiting people who used to work for Bachmann? Sounds like talent doesn't abound over there…

  20. Steverino247

    Bachman is an effective fertilizer due to her high levels of phosphorus and nitrogen and also her lack of odor. She was an important source of nitrates for gunpowder. Soil that is deficient in organic matter can be made more productive by addition of this candidate.

    Yup, just wait until the AG states vote in the primaries. They know how important batshit crazy can be.

  21. kingcocrazy

    Perry's going to hire some of Michele's staffers? Maybe Ricky and Marcus had a little pillow talk. After all, rentboys and campaign staffers are practically the same thing.

  22. LettucePrey

    She is such a loser, in fact, that the roaming liberal hippie mobs of San Francisco did not even bother to wander over and chant some godless queerness at her when she visited the city on Thursday, even for old times’ sake, for fear of catching a boredom-induced coma.

    Indeed, in SF we protest the changing of a light bulb. So if we don’t care about you, nobody does.

    (Also, we had two minor earthquakes yesterday, each of which garnered approximately 4,317 Facebook updates from my friends, with still nary a peep about Cheley’s presence among us.)

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Someone should point out to her that the CFL's have right-handed threads, just like traditional, conservative, Real American Christian incandescent bulbs.

      1. Pristine_ODummy

        He's not a very nice fellow at ALL! He told Herman Cain that HE was the chosen one, and then he went and told Rick DinglePerry the same exact thing! And this was after he told Michele she was his best girl and truly speshul.

    1. emmelemm

      Love your avatar!

      PS She's not running for re-election. Huzzah!! (She put all her eggs in the "gonna be President" basket.)

      1. GOPCrusher

        Michele is finding out that just because you tell people that God told you to run for President, it doesn't automatically make it so.

  23. mourningnmerica

    The "Pray Michele Away" movement is to be commended. I myself asked the Almighty to have her choke to death on a sandwich. While he didn't do this for me, I give all praise and glory to Him for these recent developments.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Strange and mysterious ways" are indistinguishable from a sick sense of humor. Terry Pratchett fans aside, the former is an easier sell.

  24. user-of-owls

    Tonight, between the gin and the tears, Michelle's going to be sifting through the photos of her 438 children to see which one will look best holding a doll and thrusting out a pouty lower lip during her resignation speech.

  25. user-of-owls

    It's a measure of how worried Obama is about Bachmann's momentum that he felt the need to announce the US withdrawal from Iraq.

  26. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Bachmann’s entire New Hampshire staff has resigned en masse because she refuses to focus on the state"

    Jeez, people — look at her eyes. She can't focus on any state smaller than Iowa. It's not right to discriminate over a medical condition!

  27. finallyhappy

    I "unliked" a business in NH on FB- they deleted my comment that they needed to sanitize aftger Santorum was there.

  28. NellCote71

    You have to know your Texas politics, but when John Connolly switched from Democrat to Republican, Ralph Yarbrough famously said that it was the first time he had heard of a rat swimming toward a sinking ship.

  29. YasserArraFeck

    It's not the she refuses to focus on New Hampster – the poor cow can't focus on it. We've all seen her try to look into a camera. It's those eyes…..those crazy eyes…….

  30. JackObin

    I see a public meltdown in Little Michelle's future, perhaps a striptease to "God Bless the U.S.A".

    1. Negropolis

      But, she's marginally prettier than Greta, which is how they choose hosts on that network, so Shells still has a shot.

      1. PristinePantalones

        Actually — and I know I'm gonna get my ass kicked for this, so go ahead — she's not too bad for an old broad. Good cheekbones, nice nose, and fairly good skin (yes, she's got wrinkles, but hey, she's in her late 50s). Trim figure, nice legs, a full head of hair. If only someone would cut her vocal chords, she might be worth fucking.

        And Greta van Suckhole is the ugliest woman on god's green earth, if my eyes don't lie. A horse-faced bitch with a mean slash of a mouth. Kissing her would be like making out with a surgical glove.

  31. marinmaven

    Last time she was in the Bay Area, she could only fetch 100 buck a plate dinner in Marin County which features the wealthiest zipcodes in the nation. That told me that she wasn't even close to being a serious candidate, but a freak sideshow for the few bored GOP/T-baggers they could scrounge up in the most liberal place in the country. Slathered in loser sauce, all you can see is her crazy eyes.

  32. Walkinwiddaking

    It shows you how desperate some people are. Would you want to hook your job to a nut job like this?

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