And good riddance.Some misguided wingnut (whoops, that’s a redunderancy there!) thought that the most critical entertainment items to mail all the way overseas to a bunch of U.S. troops stationed in Bumblefuck, Afghanistan were a couple boxes of crazed loofah-humper Bill O’Reilly’s book Pinheads and Patriots, presumably on the assumption that soldiers would enjoy masturbating to O’Reilly’s noxious screeds just as much as right-wing idiots. Wrong! Instead, the soldiers did the sensible thing and set them on fire.

From the Everqueer tumblr, which is maintained by an anonymous soldier:

Some jerk sent us two boxes of this awful book (SPOILER ALERT: George Washington – Patriot; George Soros – Pinhead) instead of anything soldiers at a remote outpost in Afghanistan might need, like, say, food or soap. Just burned the whole lot of them on my Commander’s orders.

The soldier later noted that this was mostly to preserve space, but that, eh, he still enjoyed burning them.

The motivation behind the order to burn them was not political. As mentioned in the original post, we are in an extraordinarily remote location. We don’t have a post office here, so sending them back wasn’t an option. Extra space is scarce and alternatives that a few mentioned, like recycling, are nonexistent. All waste is burned on the base and in town; wood and paper goes in that barrel. I was getting rid of a bunch of cardboard boxes and the books were in the burn pile. There were 20 of them. I saved one for the bookshelf. I’m aware of the historical implications of book-burning. I won’t say I didn’t take pleasure in removing a few copies of this bigoted twerp’s writings from circulation, but the reason for doing so was military necessity.

Sure sure, “military necessity,” but it would have been fine just to say it was because Bill O’Reilly is a “bigoted twerp,” because that’s all that needs to be said. [Everqueer via Gawker]

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  • nounverb911

    Three cheers for our troops!

    • WunkRocker

      Hip. Hip. Hooray. Finally when Fahrenheit 451 is a good thing.

      • nounverb911

        Ray Bradbury approves disapproves is confused by this.

  • It was a sly Taliban operative who wanted to crush the morale of the U.S. soldiers who sent the books.

    • Andrea Makris

      It could have just been a conservative that wants the U.S. to fail in Afghanistan order to score imaginary points against Obama.

      Andrea Makris. Also.

      • Negropolis

        LOL! I see what you did, there. Talk about book-ending.

    • Jukesgrrl

      It could have just been Borders getting rid of the merchandise left unsold after its going-out-of-business sale. If so, I'm sorry they insulted the intelligence of our troops, but they did throw some business to the Post Office. Job Creators!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Hermain Cain's campaign buys a lot of books…

    • user-of-owls

      …and to further stunt government-sponsored literacy campaigns as well.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      In that case I finally get why Afghanistan was invaded. The Taliban are clearly evil and must be destroyed. I hope the UN weapons inspectors have quarantined all copies of Atlas Shrugged, that's a WMD if ever I saw one (Weapon of Massive Despair).

  • nounverb911

    Does the book say whether Andrea Makris is a patriot or a pinhead?

    • bagofmice

      Somewhere betwixt falafel and loofah, I'd reckon.

      • Jukesgrrl

        And very rich, at this point.

  • SexySmurf

    Why do our troops hate themselves?

    • No doubt because they are part of the 99% and therefore the enemy of the people.

    • Crank_Tango

      DADT repeal, duh.

  • OC_Surf_Serf_#OWS

    Fire…how does that work?

    • bagofmice

      Never a miscommunication.

    • Ancient_Hacker

      The books go in, the smoke comes out, how does that work?

  • WVUer21

    Story of the Year. That is so full of win. Stay safe over there, guys, and thanks for what you do.

  • finallyhappy

    So they don't need toilet paper then?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Bill O'Reilly: Not even fit for butt-wipin'

      • northernbassist

        And Palin's abrasiveness comes through even on paper.

    • mourningnmerica

      No, they use "To Renew America" for that. The pages don't tear as easily.

    • ttommyunger

      You realize, of course, it might rub off; and nobody likes a dumb asshole, ask Bill.

  • tihond

    The tea party looks forward to booing this soldier at the next debate.

    • Geminisunmars

      I think they will be pretty torn. Book burning – usually good. Burning O'Reilly's screed, not so good.

  • PocketsTheClown

    He didn't gay-burn them, which would have been way better.

    • emmelemm

      But his "tumblr" (WTF is that?) is called "Everqueer." It sounds like he DID gay-burn them.

      • mumbly_joe

        My understanding is that "tumblr" is like a cross between "flickr" and "grindr". So, basically, yes.

        • PocketsTheClown

          We're winning hearts and minds, one, er, flaming 55 gallon drum at a time.

  • yrbmegr

    Let's send ALL his books over there.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Burn them over there so we don't have to burn them over here?

      I hear Afghanistan gets pretty fucking cold in winter. Surely we could burn these books for *humanitarian* reasons?

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Hell, let's send O'Reilly over there while we're at it.

      • PocketsTheClown

        Best idea of the day. +1, Dr.

      • Callyson

        And Limpballs, and Coultergeist, and…

        • HistoriCat

          I was really hoping we could Rushbo to Uganda – let him get up close and personal with the LRA.

        • Dok-cupy Everything

          The Chickenhawk Brigade Rides Again!

          (Much though I love Al Franken, that was the weakest chapter of Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat was like one of those SNL skits that was funny for a couple of minutes, but ran out to fill half the time following Weekend Update.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Right on

  • PuckStopsHere

    I didn't know bullshit was combustible.

    • hagajim

      It is, but it stinks when you burn it.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    They still need something to wipe their asses with.

  • Winter is coming on, can we send Mooselini books too?

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      They should all be remaindered by now, certainly.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    I'm surprised something that came from hell would burn so easily.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Where's Biel_ze_Bubba when you *really* need him?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        We sent a .doc file, not printed copies. Really, people, where have you been?

  • i_AM_ready

    I'm a leader, not a reader!

  • I've never supported the troops more in my life.

  • metamarcisf

    Looks like I may finally have found a home for my copy of "Of Thee I Zing"

  • MissTaken

    The book
    The book
    The book is on fire
    We don't need no water
    Let the motherfucker burn
    Burn motherfucker, burn

    • Michele_Blachmann

      You sing so sweetly, MissTaken.

  • How'd the book get in there? Huh? Who put it there? How'd it get there ?!!

    • YouBetcha

      Flames go in, flames go out. You can't explain that.

    • Angry_Marmot

      So Bill-O finally got his ashes hauled.

  • Eve8Apples

    Most Honorable Soldiers:

    Please reply to me with your names, mailing addresses and sexual proclivities. I will send you all the soap, snacks and porn you want. May God bless each and every one of you.

    Love Always,

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Something tells me you'll be spending A LOT on porn.

      • Eve8Apples

        It is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the troops. And if I run out funds, I will just produce my own.

        • Michele_Blachmann

          What a gal! Let me know if I can, you know, help in any way.

          I must say the fine ladies of Teh Wonketz are exceptionally willing to sacrifice for the troops. ALL troops, not just those serving overseas.

  • edgydrifter

    You know he's liberal, because he clearly spent some time agonizing over the moral implications of burning a book, he saved a copy even though he hates it, and he felt the need to publicly justify actions that were totally and obviously justifiable.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • Negropolis

      Also, he called O'Reilly a bigot, and no true "patriot" would ever call that bigot a bigot.

  • chascates

    Best way to heat a MRE yet! May need more Coulter books as well.

    • MrFizzy

      Those don't burn – although they are bone dry, they're also so cold that they cannot ignite.

      • jus_wonderin

        If her photo is on the front even fire wouldn't want to get in the vicinity.

  • Wilcoxyz

    No doubt O'Reilly's resume now says he has been in Afghanistan and survived heavy fire.

    • tihond

      Meanwhile, Geraldo considers sending some of his books so he can make the same claims.

    • mourningnmerica


    • Guppy06

      Just like Hillz?

  • SorosBot

    Just hope whatever genius mailed these gets to see the fruit of their "gift".

  • hagajim

    Always knew ol' Bill'O was a complete waste of fucking space…right between his ears.

  • JackDempsey1

    O'Reilly books are the fruitcakes of the publishing industry.

    • tihond

      And you know tea party grandparents are thinking "should I send the fruitcake or the O'Reilly this year?"

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    See? Obama IS Hitler.

  • YouBetcha

    I am going to send naked pictures to these soldiers.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Um … you know, I've been soldiering on in this lonely cause for quite a while now, I mean, if you happen to have any spare nekky pikkies lying around, or anything …

    • DashboardBuddha

      You know, I sometimes call my apartment a lonely outpost. Sure could use some morale building.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Poor BillO — his audience can't read his book, and the people who could read it won't.

  • DahBoner

    If this soldier is single and has filled out an e-harmony profile, I guessing nowhere in his profile does he mention "fingerbanging"…


  • paris biltong

    As if it wasn't bad enough to serve in Afghanistan without having to be sent books by pinhead pundits back home.

  • Aw, I'm so proud of our troops. With Christmas coming up there's no telling what looney gifts they'll get saddled with. But as a heads' up, comrades: if upon unpackaging you see the contents read "This is Herman Cain!" be assured, this is kindling a.k.a. yesterday's news.

  • pinkocommi

    I hope someone sends that soldier lots of copies of Sarah Palin's book so he can burn those too.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What treacherous idiot sends copies of Bill O'Reilly books to American soldiers? The idea is to *support* the troops, not demoralize and desensitize them.

  • mourningnmerica

    Fahrenheit 11-11-11.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Bill O'Reilly? Did I just read Bill O'Reilly's name in the same sentence as the word "book"? Well, kids, gather round. It's time for a little O'Reilly redux. Get ready to be hot & bothered; it's O'Reilly "prose" from his "novel" Those Who Trespass:

    "Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."
    "I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on."
    "Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."
    "Off with those pants."
    "Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue."
    "Visit your dentist regularly."
    "Pipe slow-jam music into your shower!"

    • Chichikovovich

      So I take it that the point of the title is that the punishment for trespass is to be forced to listen to that dialogue?

    • mumbly_joe

      "Cunnilingus involves the lips and tongue."
      "Visit your dentist regularly."

      To be fair, that's just simple courtesy.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Courtesy calls for brushing the pubes from between your teeth before visiting the dentist.

    • Needs moar audio book.

  • MzNicky

    Who sent this box o' books to our troops, and why does he/she hate America?

  • mourningnmerica

    What a heartwarming story. I never thought book burning could make me feel so happy.

  • Trannysurprise

    To totally send the wingnuts overboard, I wish he would have the base chaplain gay marry him to his buddy and they could use that book as the bible during the ceremony.

    For laffs.

  • Jukesgrrl

    You go to war with the books you have, not the books you wish you had.

  • MrFizzy

    They should read them to prisoners in Gitmo – it could replace waterboarding.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Please tell me there are parts of this book that try to justify our continued presence in Afghanistan.

  • slithytoves

    New motto for the 10th Mountain Division: "We're smarter than we look."

  • KobayashiMaru

    They burned O'Reilly's books so they're PINHEADS, but they're troops, so they're PATRIOTS, but they burned O'Reilly's books so they're PINHEADS, but they're troops so they're PATRIOTS, but they burned O'Reilly's books so they're PINHEADS, but they're troops so they're PATRIOTS, but they burned O'Reilly's books so they're PINHEADS, but they're troops so they're PATRIOTS!

    (The average O'Reilly fan's cognitive dilemma upon hearing this news.)

    • Tommmcattt

      Then they punch a fag and feel better.

    • Soylent Green

      perhaps they'll loop and explode, like a star trek fembot.

  • JackObin

    Republicans can read? I thought they just looked at picture bibles.

  • Rotundo_

    Regnery finally found a good use for all those remaindered books: Keeping our troops warm in a cold place. Get a good bed of coals going under them and you can heat a room pretty well with that fine literature. For those who suggest using it for wiping ones nether regions, I would say that someone will just have to burn the shit barrels anyhow, so why not just burn the book and get some heat from it. Besides which, the shit that has passed from those kids over there deserves more dignity than to be wiped with the wit and wisdom of Billo.

    • AJWjr.

      What pisses me off is someone probably got a tax writeoff for this stunt, and a transport plane wasted precious cargo space carrying them instead of something useful.

  • Chichikovovich

    Books come in, books catch fire, you can't explain it.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    They could have won some hearts and minds by giving them to the locals, say they were US American Bibles, and letting the Afghans burn them. Win-win for everyone!

  • They could have threatened the locals with giving them the books if they did not straighten up.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Wait'll BillO hears that they had plenty of space for hundreds copies of all of Al Franken's books.

    • user-of-owls

      They only read Al's books for the maps.

  • Tommmcattt

    I can think of a much better use for these books than burning them, and it involves the latrine…

  • OccupyFnChicken

    So this is the antipode of that Drudge story from this weekend? You know, the "Fuck The Troops" story that really didn't happen in Portland?

    Suddenly a bunch of liberals should be all up and ecstatic that these brave fighting men and women are demonstrating intellect and insight… AND kicking ass.

  • metamarcisf

    Cop sneaks into your wife's back door, never a miscommunication.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I think that even Ray Bradbury would agree with that incendiary act. Burn, baby, burn!

    • OzoneTom

      I hope it is not the case but there have been reports that Mr. Bradbury has damaged his fine mind by listening to too much talk radio.

      • AJWjr.

        True fact: One of Bradbury's nephews is a friend of mine, and his wife was the first person I had to unfriend on facebook because of her "beliefs".

  • RadioOcupados

    Mein Kampfire.

  • randomsausage

    Falafel anyone?

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      No, I feel just fine, thanks.

  • Callyson

    I can hear Keith OIbermann's gleeful laugh all the way out here on the West Coast…

  • HarryButtle

    Not all books are created equal. Good on you, Montag!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Oh, so our military is turning. Victory is within reach.

  • HedonismBot

    Can we burn Bill-O himself now? For, um, military necessity?

  • You know who else burned boo-… ah fuck it this one is just too obvious

    • HedonismBot

      That guy in Florida?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Book goes in fire, book catches on fire. No one can explain that.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Hmm. I always wondered what Regnery did with all those copies of their books that they bought to bump them up the bestseller lists.

    Seems they could have saved the postage and just burned them in the parking lot.

  • meatlofer

    Were they autographed? Doesn't matter, Bill can do that in Hell,later.

  • user-of-owls

    They burned the books because O'Reilly is morally weak.

  • user-of-owls

    Burning these books is the soundest bit of hearts-and-minds strategy thus far employed over there.

  • owhatever

    This was obviously on orders of the commander-in-chief, President Obama of Kenya. Our warriors will always prefer to read Bill O'Reilly's thoughtful comments than waste their time reading the articles in Playboy and Penthouse.

  • fuflans

    they should have given them to the taliban. might have recognized a kindred spirit and stopped fighting us.

    or used them as goat feed.


  • El Pinche

    I wonder what kind of anti-troop garbage loofah-man is going to spew upon hearing this. O'Reilly can't control his white rage but it makes great ratings.

  • subsum

    I didn't know O'Reilly could write. The motherfucker can hardly read… I remember this video of him when he was doing Inside Edition or some shit like that throwing a tantrum because his teleprompter was blank and he couldn't figure out what to say. All he had to say was something like "Sting has a new album and here's a preview. Take it away…" and the cunt couldn't even say that. Instead, he yelled and gesticulated like the madman he is. I'm surprised he can even put two words together (can he?)

  • Antispandex

    Burning books? Bad
    Burning trash? Ok, in this context.
    Standing O'Reilly against a wall for one of those firing squad thingies? Meh, maybe.

  • MiniMencken

    I can feel the comforting warmth of that Afghanistan fire all the way over here in Dumfukistan.

  • Soylent Green

    makes lousy body armor.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think I already related here the time when I was in Kabul and BillO visited "the troops" and signed his books for them at Camp Eggers, I printed up and was going to have him sign Andrea Mackris's deposition there at the exchange. I chickened out at the last minute though, as he's a big motherfucker and he was also surrounded by fans of his, I figured it was not worth the trouble. 50-year-old Baldar doesn't have the stones that 25 or 30 year old Baldar had.

    • ttommyunger

      Prolly a good decision, Baldar. But I know you hate it. Don't feel bad, lots of us have let golden opportunities slip by after some thoughtful consideration. In the end, he isn't worth an ounce of pain on your part, fuck him.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor, and all that…

        • ttommyunger

          At least it helps to say that. I know from experience.

    • Jukesgrrl

      You know what they say about gifts … it's the thought that counts. And this was a good one.

  • exmartinette

    I'm against burning books. Tearing 'em up for lining birdcages, fine. But since there are no parakeets in Afghanistan, fire in the hole!

  • Toomush_Infer

    One too few….

  • real_dc_native

    I no longer think that Military Intelligence is an oxymoron.

  • ttommyunger

    In the arena of ground troops, "Commander" is Jarhead Jargon, as in "Platoon Commander" as opposed to "Platoon Leader" (Army). Based on that assumption, I can only say: "Semper Fi, Motherfuckers; well done!".

  • rocktonsam

    the copies burned were more than copies read

  • Negropolis

    The repeal of DADT really did change everything, huh? lol

  • lulzmonger

    Comment from the Commander: "I did it for the lulz."


  • NewtsUndies

    Never thought I would like a troop.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Seems they could have strapped them to the outside of a Humvee, for a bit of extra protection. Maybe they didn't want to offend the locals.

  • stew1

    Gonna burn a loofah in solidarity.

  • stew1

    Is Mrs. Bill-O still bangin' that cop?

  • comrad_darkness

    So, if I want to send them a present, it should be the complete works of every decent author on a memory stick?

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