TAKE YOUR BALL AND GO HOME  10:42 am October 19, 2011

Tea Party Dingbats Vow To Pretend To Stop Hiring Jobseekers

by Ken Layne

Do you have enough patriotism to win the lottery?As infamous walking cue-ball “Joe the Plumber” proved in 2008, America is top-loaded with dubiously employed gasbag wingnuts who believe they are the economic equals of the Koch Brothers. Each near-bankrupt sole proprietor of a drywall-hanging home-based business that hasn’t had any work since 2007 is now threatening to “stop job creation” because of the people protesting the banks. What happens when the teabaggers “go Galt” and nobody notices?

According to this pathetic communique on the Tea Party website, the struggling old white people are awfully gurd-danged vexed by these 99% hippie-working people protests — upset enough to quit hiring for those all those jobs they’re not offering anyone:

Resolved that: Our President, the Democrats-Socialists, most of the media, and most of those from Hollywood, have now encouraged and supported “Occupy” demonstrations in our streets, which are now being perpetrated across the globe, and which are being populated by various marxists, socialists and even communists, and are protesting against business, private property ownership and capitalism, something I thought I’d never see in my country, in my lifetime.

I, an American small business owner, part of the class that produces the vast majority of real, wealth producing jobs in this country, hereby resolve that I will not hire a single person until this war against business and my country is stopped.

I hereby declare that my job creation potential is now ceased.

“I’m on strike!”

It’s good that they put the last line in quotes, because these delusional scumbags are always anti-union. Tough to buy that vulgar hundred-foot-long motorhome with the quad towed behind on a trailer when the dirty worker expects a living wage and health care benefits, right?

What did John Steinbeck say? He said this: “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” [Tea Party Website]

 
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{ 395 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 10:43 am

I thought these fuckwits went Galt when the Kenyan was elected. When did they get back?

Serolf_Divad October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

These are the same morons who announced their intent to go on vacation as soon as they earned $249,999.00 believing that the first dollar they earn in a higher tax bracket subjects their entire income to taxation at the higher rate.

So take everything they say with a grain of stupid.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You have to wonder how they can provide any jobs when they don't even know how income tax works.

Ruhe October 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

The irony is that all of these fuckwits, as you so succinctly put it, would, in Galt's world, be welcome to join the strike but like Eddie Willers they wouldn't be welcome in the Gulch itself.

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I'm glad I don't know what you're talking about.

horsedreamer_1 October 20, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Ditto. But My Nemesis and his new blind scarring nation cohort would.

Thank FSM I stopped hanging out with them.

(N.B. All my lunatic friends ended up lefty, for the pussy. GOP chicks they knew were just too chubby and into Metallica.)

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Who knows? It's not like anyone *noticed* they were gone, yaknow.

ManchuCandidate October 19, 2011 at 9:45 am

Teabagger Tea is so bitter, spiteful and stupid.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:30 am

Last night Jon Stewart had a nice montage of Can't-or and several others praising the Tea Party "taking the streets" and vilifying the OWS-ers of the world. The irony boggles the mind.

FNMA October 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

I think I detected in Stewart's voice and mannerisms a little "Jesus, this is way too easy" attitude.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

It's like they are not even trying anymore. Time was, in this country, a man took pride in being a sneaky, lying, conniving, little shit.
We're going to Hell in a hand basket.

Pithaughn October 19, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Right up there with Alimony Ale I suppose.

Dr_Zoidberg October 19, 2011 at 10:46 am

'…and even communists'? Wow, Communism is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:03 am

It's even worse than Marxism, apparently!

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

The wingnuts are very good at showing that they don't know the actual meaning of words. It's part of how they can actually try to claim communism and fascism are the same; together with their ignorance of history, any political ideology besides their own is simply labeled "bad" and treated as if they are interchangeable.

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 11:45 am

And also they are constantly invoking Martin Niemöller's "First they came…" remark. Good taste, Niemöller was indeed a moral hero, a representative of what Christians can be when they aren't consumed by hatred. But let's remind ourselves of what he actually said:

"First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me."

He did not say, "first they came for the gun owners", he did not say "first they came for the conservatives", he did not say "first they came for the Christians", three variations that I've heard conservatives say. He said what he said. Tell me again that the Nazis were communists.

But I guess we can make a wingnut version of Niemöller's great statement:

"First they came for the communists,
and I didn't speak out because – c'mon, they're communists!
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak out because – well, duh! Thug Unions with Cadillac pensions were killing this country.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak out because they could go to Israel and make the rapture come faster.
Then they came for me
and that's when I realized: They were all a bunch of goddamned communist trade unionists!

mormos October 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

dishearteningly accurate

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Wait a minute. You mean Hitler wasn't a Communist? WTF was he doing in Russia then?

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 3:51 pm

That is some pulpit-worthy exegesis.

JustPixelz October 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

Don't let Newt hear them bad-mouthing Communist Chinese. He thinks we should…

match our competitors in China and Singapore by going to a zero capital gains tax

Next he'll be calling for internet censorship. Wait for it…

Information warfare is warfare. The National Security Agency should close down [Wikileaks], keep it closed down.

Or silencing his opponents the old fashioned way…

If you want to put people in jail … you ought to start with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.

HELisforHEL October 19, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Seriously, I so want a Monty Pythonesque weight to splat that evil insincere smirking egomaniacal bullshitting fucker from all existence.

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

bad news. Newt is the 16 ton weight. irrestible/immovable here, buddy.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Well, according to Michele Bachmann, our current President is not capable of making America a economic superpower. And sense it appears that the only country that has money anymore is Red China, I have to assume that Michele is pro-Communism.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Singapore HAS a capital gains tax. It's around 2%.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

Oh yeah? Well I refuse to take any investment-banking jobs until Occupy Wall Street's demands are met!

Lascauxcaveman October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

Gutsy!

memzilla October 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

Well, let's just invert the whole of the 1960s:

"War! Hate! Booze! Start the War! Send The Boys Overseas!"

Yup, that pretty much works for these gasbags, actually…

yrbmegr October 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Indeed! Refusing to do that which you are not doing anyway is pretty weak tea!

Toomush_Infer October 19, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Okay, then I'm not taking any CEO positions…. ante up!

LesBontemps October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

Stockholm Syndrome. It's the only plausible explanation.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:31 am

There's also Mad Cow disease, or Kreutzfeld-Jacob disease..

Fare la Volpe October 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Does "Twatbag Syndrome" appear in the DSM?

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

…or Dunning Krueger

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

They're ALL living breathing illustrations of Dunning-Kruger cognitive bias.

mrblifil October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

At what point can we expect them to wade into the throngs on horseback, wielding scimitars?

nedbeaumontjr October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

Most thongs don't have room enough for a horse, let alone a teatard on a horse.

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:01 pm

We're going to need bigger horses.

Steverino247 October 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm
WhatTheHeck October 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Red blood on white snow looks and smells like, victory.

imissopus October 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Don't be ridiculous. No horse can carry the full weight of a teabagger.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Scimitars? Too Muslimy.

Jerri October 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Soon as the horses come with wheels, a comfy seat and power steering.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

What have you got against horses? Geez, any poor quadruped that took on one of these Walmartians would be permanently swaybacked as a result.

TanzbodenKoenig October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

Aww…. they're so cute when they're all old and confused and angry. It's like watching a senile cat get stuck in the corner

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Our Old Cat wandered out of our yard into the neighbor's recently, at night. Since we have identical front, back and middle fences, he got totally confused in the dark, and just started yowling piteously. It took 20 minutes to coax him down the length of the fence to make it back to the "other side of the mirror".

That pretty much describes most Tea Party gestures, actually.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Yeah, but I have a lot more sympathy for Old Cat than for the teabaggage. They're wilfully ignorant, whereas poor ol' OldCat is just old and confused.

TanzbodenKoenig October 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Maybe we need to start luring them to our cause with cans of tuna?

ProgressiveInga October 19, 2011 at 10:49 am

I know, I know. But it bears repeating:

"Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. "
~John Maynard Keynes

HateMachine October 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

You take your Gaynesian Economics and git outta mah cuntry!

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Yes. Yes, it does.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 10:49 am

"Marxists, socialists, and even communists?" But, oddly, no Lenninists, Maoists, or Trotskyites, which excludes me, dammit.

ProgressiveInga October 19, 2011 at 10:51 am

And they forgot lesbotarians, too. So, I'm still cool, right?

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

For now, I suppose.

ProgressiveInga October 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Good. Guess you can say that so far I have that problem licked.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

Rimshot!

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:33 am

Pending further exploration?

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Whoa!

Guppy06 October 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

They're talking about economic philosophies, not religions.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

Anarcho-syndicalists! Wobblies! So sad that they don't know the enemy any better than that.

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

To their credit, the first draft of their manifesto did call out the Weebles.

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

I thought they later said they meant to call out the Wiggles.

NeonTrotsky October 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

No shit! I am very offended right now, goddamnit.

WhatTheHeck October 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

Take it easy Neon. You died a few decades ago.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

But he got to put it to Salma Hayek before he punched out. That justifies everything else.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

No "Kenyan Muzlins" either, so I guess Obama is safe for now. Aha! Ahahahahahha!!!

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

Didn't include Pastafarians, either. May they be touched by his noodly appendage

memzilla October 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

Mensheviks. Nobody ever remembers the Mensheviks. We stood up against the Bolsheviks when you were still just a socialist gleam in your father's eye. At least we both graduated from Commie Martyrs High School…

dizzeeboy October 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Splitters!

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I remember the Mensheviks! They're the reason behind Ossetia.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

None of the old boogeyman, the anarchists either; or the Freemasons. Get on that, conspiracy theorist wingnuts!

Millennial Malaise October 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

They would have mentioned the Illuminati, but you know, black people.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Lennonists, also. Imagine!

Negropolis October 20, 2011 at 1:43 am

Is this like when Michele said that Obama sent troops into Libya, and Africa too?

snackypants October 19, 2011 at 10:50 am

Well, looks like I won't be getting that wealth-producing job selling Amway products after all.

Fare la Volpe October 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Only true entrepreneurs can sell somebody else's overpriced crap.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Psst; if you want to make money on a pyramid scheme you've gotta get in on the top end.

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

You don't have to be Cheops to be able to recognize a pyramid.

paris biltong October 19, 2011 at 10:51 am

Well, tell you what: I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more, so fuck you.

edgydrifter October 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

Being unemployed is criminal. Refusing to hire is patriotic.

Sharkey October 19, 2011 at 10:52 am

The drywall industry is AGHAST.

WIDTAP October 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

…and just when the Homebuilders Association thought they would get some good news.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 10:52 am

How is it that any idiot could think that our corporate media, which at first ignored and now belittles the Occupy Wall Street protesters, characterizing them as just a bunch of layabout hippies, has encouraged and supported them in any way?

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm

That IS corporate media support. You're still hearing about OWS, aren't you, unlike the protests during the Iraq War? The difference now is, enough people can see past the spin to know what it's really about, so the disapproving coverage keeps making the protests biggger and bigger, forcing the media to grudgingly admit some legitimacy.

magic_titty October 19, 2011 at 10:53 am

I will not hire a single person until this war against business and my country is stopped.

I'm gunna subvert my own beliefs/ideals to spite (and thereby promote) somebody else's. Yeah!

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Hey look who is here!

JoshuaNorton October 19, 2011 at 10:54 am

We have standards. We have dignity. Stop laughing.

Come here a minute October 19, 2011 at 10:54 am

I think they just gave themselves an excuse to start continue hiring illegals.

SexySmurf October 19, 2011 at 10:55 am

Judging from this post, I'm guessing the author owns a small business which produces run-on sentences.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:07 am

And he's working overtime…

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

Shipping costs have skyrocketed since the boys down at Conjunction Junction decided they'd finally had enough. No wonder he can't afford to hire anyone.

ChurchofRealism October 19, 2011 at 10:56 am

The Tea Party: Destroying America, One Stupid Idea at a TIme.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 10:57 am

Well fuck them; I hereby promise, avow, and resolve, that I will refrain from sprouting wings and flying over the moon while flowers shoot out of my ass and I sing "Some Enchanted Evening," until the Teabaggers start hiring again.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 10:59 am

Thank goodness. Nothing personal, but I hate that song.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

Well, OK, but the flowers were going to be really nice.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 10:57 am

" I will not hire a single person until this war against business and my country is stopped …"

Wingnut Translate:

I CAN'T STAND HAVING A BLACK PRESIDENT.

snoopyfan2010 October 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm

You know the reason why they hate is the same reason they didn't want Jackie Robinson playing baseball. They were afraid he might be better.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

He IS! He's immeasurably better than Bush ever was, and he's certainly bucketloads better than the bunch of losers they have running for his job. That's gotta be what hurts them so bad. He IS better.

snoopyfan2010 October 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, he's easier on the eyes also too. But that's just Snoop's opinion.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm

No, it's not, it would seem many of the fine Ladies of Teh Wonketz have a hopelessly panty-wetting crush on Mister Michelle, and more than one dood has avowed a man-crush. Why, some of us right here in this room … wut?

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I thought they made that their mission statement the day after Obama was elected. Seems like that was the day I started receiving that chain e-mail about companies to start laying off anyone that had a Obama/Biden bumper sticker on their vehicle because they voted for Change.

Sparky_McGruff October 20, 2011 at 8:12 am

Not quite. Needs more spittle and mispelled words. I suggest that the thought bubble looks more like "FUKC THE NIGGAR PRESNIDENT!!!!"

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 10:58 am

BTW, nice to say a good amount of posts in the morning after several very quiet days.

ProgressiveInga October 19, 2011 at 11:03 am

Must. Stop. Commenting. Or I'll get fired and have to not apply for a job that the potential job creators are not hiring for. What, what?

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

How much unemployment do you get, if you start now?

paris biltong October 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

Agree. Whatever Ken's having, I want some too.

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Ha ha, I am having a big cup of "finally in New York after 36 hours of fucking around."

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 10:58 am

A job creator that isn't hiring? What a goddamn surprise.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Need more tax cuts.

johnnyzhivago October 19, 2011 at 10:58 am

Well I'm not going to hire a single person until Grover Norquist and Dick Armey are paired butt naked in a tango on "Dancing With the Stars"

So there!

4TheTurnstiles October 19, 2011 at 10:58 am

Screw you guys! I'm goin' home!

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

I was thinking the same thing – these fuckers are the adult version of the punk ass playground kid who, when he/his team started losing, took their ball and went home.

JoshuaNorton October 19, 2011 at 10:59 am

I hereby declare that my job creation potential is now ceased.

For a bunch of Adam Smith wannabe's, they're profoundly unaware of the things he really said.

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard for their own self-interest. We address ourselves not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessaties, but of their advantages."

Wealth of Nations
Adam Smith

snackypants October 19, 2011 at 11:07 am

Yes, if a "job creator" has a legitimate need to fill a position, they're not going to avoid filling it because some half-baked wingnut group is throwing a temper tantrum.

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

I wonder what Adam Smith would say about egregious patenting, exclusive markets, apples-versus-oranges product schemes, egregious, pervasive marketing, subsidized corporate welfare and credit default swaps.

HateMachine October 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

If Adam Smith took one look at the modern financial industry, he'd morph into Keynes' and Marx's illegitimate man-love-child.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Hell, if the modern conservatives read Adam Smith they'd call him a socialist communist; he did support progressive taxation and regulation of the economy.

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 12:45 pm

"Read"? What's that?

snoopyfan2010 October 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Not a real free market

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:39 am

If you are trying to say that, collectively, they are dumber than a bag of dicks, I agree.

ProudLibunatic October 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

(Educated) elitist!!

SayItWithWookies October 19, 2011 at 11:00 am

Resolved that: President Obama has seized what amount to dictatorial powers to bypass our Congress, and that because the Congress is controlled by a Progressive socialist Senate that will not impeach one of their kind, they have allowed this and yielded what are rightfully congressional powers to this new dictator.

He did what now?! I must've been watching the Masterpiece Theater marathon when President Obama seized dictatorial powers to bypass Congress — which, apparently is already in his back pocket so it wouldn't matter if he bypassed it. Really TPN, it helps to be able to write at least one sentence without blatantly contradicting your own conspiracy theories.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

He's subverting Congress the same way he's advancing gun control: by not doing it. That's how devious Obama is. This just lulls everybody into complacency, and then — Bang! down come the hammer and sickle of socialism/Marxism/liberal-facism. Any day now! Be afraid!

An_Outhouse October 19, 2011 at 12:48 pm

F'in' magic negro!

WIDTAP October 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Last I checedk, the House impeached, the Senate tried. I think it is written down somewhere like that. Not that the TeaLeaves would notice or anything.

Fare la Volpe October 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Teabaggers don't need to read the Constitution to defend it.

Mumbletypeg October 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

"I must've been watching the Masterpiece Theater marathon when…!"

Yeah I hate it when I do that.. when I can hardly tell Alistair Cookee from Cokie Roberts coming over the staticky squawk box.. or whether it’s Ian McShane’s Disraeli or Paul Keating squinting at his pocket watch on my teevee screen…

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

Honestly, it took Grover And Cookie Monster to make me truly appreciate Monsterpiece theater.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Do you mean someone finally jammed a fist up Grover Norquist's ass?

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Finally? Breitbart's been doing that for years.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

He may not have seized dictatorial powers yet, but the wingnuts can imagine it happening, so it might as well have happened.

SayItWithWookies October 19, 2011 at 11:45 am

I'm surprised their manifesto didn't mention czars — whatever happened to them? I could swear that at one point America was going to be taken over by autocratic inbred Romanoffs who owned millions of serfs — but then that was before President Obama was going to set the Gitmo terrorists free to roam America's shopping malls, opened the border to Mexicans and Hamas sleeper cells and turned General Motors into a socialist solar-powered camp for exploiting job-creators. Maybe the czars just got lost in the shuffle.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Now, you do know that somewhere in the Multiverse, all of that actually happened…

PubOption October 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

The Tea Party website is interesting. They can construct sentences in the style of an earlier era, although 1800's rather than 1700's, but they can't distinguish a resolution from a statement.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

So the jerbs bill is a done deal?!

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

So that explains why we have nationalized health care and legalized marijuana.

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 4:15 pm

I'm confused, I thought it was assumed that Obama had those powers, and that we hate him because he doesn't have the big, hairy ballsacks to actually use them!

Toomush_Infer October 19, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Behold the awesome power of the intertubes….giving voice to those with no gift for voice….or thought…or any instinct other than sticking their noses as far up the assholes of caviar-eaters as possible…

slithytoves October 19, 2011 at 11:01 am

Dear Idiots:
If you don't hire anyone, then you'll have to do all the work yourselves, in which case you can't be on strike. Don't worry though, Darwin will take care of you.
Sincerely,
Slithytoves

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

They should talk to Alabama about that.

MissusBarry October 19, 2011 at 11:01 am

Isn't there an adage…something about forcibly removing one's nose out of anger at one's face?

Limeylizzie October 19, 2011 at 11:15 am

Peeing in your own chips is the expression I grew up with, also shitting on your own doorstep.

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

Weaving broken glass into your own toilet paper. Building your own waterbed out of magnesium.

Crank_Tango October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

adages are socialist cuz they try to make everyone think the same.

CrunchyKnee October 19, 2011 at 11:02 am

Picking up Mexicans at Home Depot is not job creation.

PubOption October 19, 2011 at 8:03 pm

It sounds suitably Republican. They select the ones with a wide stance.

johnnyzhivago October 19, 2011 at 11:03 am

Nothing about Anarchists? Why do they ALWAYS leave out the Anarchists????

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

I thought we were an anarcho-syndicalist collective…

FlownOver October 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

Bloody peasant.

x111e7thst October 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

Aren't the Anarchists also Anti-Christs?

PubOption October 19, 2011 at 11:33 am

They were, according to the Sex Pistols.

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

They don't know what they want, but they know how to get it.

Mahousu October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

If only the anarchists would get organized.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

I heard that anarchy was contained in the U. K.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It may be.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 19, 2011 at 11:03 am

That just doesn't make any sense.

Teabagger logic comes from an alternate universe where Reagan is smart, Santorum is a human and Bachmann makes perfect sense.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:45 am

And Grover Norquist is some godlike fixture whose simpleton wishes are to be followed no matter what.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Norquist. Good call.

grex1949 October 19, 2011 at 11:04 am

Whoever wrote this resolution needs to hire an editor who passed English composition. After that, NO MORE JOBS!

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

What, and support the America-hating government schools that teach communism and hatred for all that is decent and good and holy, why would you do that, are you a homosexual?

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

They'll give you an F jes fer bein' a Conservative!!!

x111e7thst October 19, 2011 at 11:05 am

Jobs will be up just a little in the next report. Sucks to be a TeaTard.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:39 am

Or six feet under, he typed on his iPad.

hagajim October 19, 2011 at 11:05 am

I wouldn't work for Joe the plumber or anyone of that ilk…I'd rather live on hobo beans and water.

johnnyzhivago October 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

Whew… The Masonic-Bilderberg-TriLateral One World Government Conspiracy is still not being implicated here…

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Yeah, those people just don't get it. They didn't even mention the Reptilians. Where is David Icke when we need him???

weejee October 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Needz moar hydraulic despotism. That is what the Bushie Paraguay land grab was all about. Wake up sheeples social diseased economics is over it's aqua 24/7.

Folks in mildewed C'Addle will be selling water from our rain barrels for $10/gallon:
♪♫ We're in the money, we're in the money ♫♪

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:14 am

$10/gal is the FOB price, right? How much for home delivery?

weejee October 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

FOB for sure. Home delivery depends on how successful our project is to convert crematorias to biofuel rendering plants for the deceased obese .

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

The delivery trucks should have bumper stickers that read "This vehicle is powered by fat-asses," and be given HOV privileges.

metamarcisf October 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

Comments from the aforementioned website:

Burn your s ociali st currency. $1, $5, $10 ,etc bills should be set ablaze like the night sky on 1776!!
- Business should stop providing services and goods to "li beral looking" people.
- Ban sociali st freeloaders like policemen, firemen, veterans, teachers, poor old people, liber als, ethnics from business. Don't hire them, don't serve them.

All right, which one of you Wonkettes wrote this stuff?

johnnyzhivago October 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Definitely ban those miserable freeloading firemen – unless your fucking house is burning down, that is.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Damn you metamarcisf. I'm too slow… again.

Eve8Apples October 19, 2011 at 11:16 am

The commenters are publishing a "Poverty for Dumbasses" self-help guide. Only sell goods and services to old, white people working in the private sector.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

"Ethnics?"

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:24 am

And there's a bit of a conflict with the Civil Rights act of 64 there.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

So much for Herman Cain being welcomed into the fold.

snackypants October 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I think "ethnics" are what "illegals" become after they get their papers.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 11:28 am

NO DREADLOCKS, TIE DYES, GRATEFUL DEAD T-SHIRTS, PATCHOULI, SINGLE MOTHERS, DEMOCRATS, INDEPENDENTS WHO DON'T VOTE REPUBLICAN, COLLEGE STUDENTS, OLD HIPPIES, HIPSTERS IN SKINNY JEANS, FOREIGNERS AND PEOPLE ON WELFARE NEED APPLY…

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

The spam filter avoiding syntax lets you know it's genuine.

MissusBarry October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

I wonder if I'm "li beral looking?" And, I'd like to see just how much that idiot cares about my politics seeing as I'm a fortunate person with Ameros in my pocket…I would really like to walk into that (doubtful) job creator's place of business and pull a Pretty Woman-style fuck you.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

My USMC tat usually gets me by.

Guppy06 October 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

"Burn your s ociali st currency. $1, (…)bills should be set ablaze like the night sky on 1776!!"

Want to see a Teabagger go apeshit? Give them a dollar coin.

EDIT: I'm serious. There's a doctoral thesis somewhere in the visceral, sometimes violent reaction these people have in seeing "valuable" paper replaced with "worthless" metal. Often it triggers a "government should stay out of government money" spittle-filled rant.

It's be best entertainment that can be had for $25, and available at most banks no less!

Eve8Apples October 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

If the coin depicts a Native American woman on it, their minds explode.

"WHY DO THE SOSHIALIZT GUVMINT THINK A NATIVE AMERIKAN BELONG ON THE MURKIN' MONNEEEZ?!?!?!?!?!?"

Guppy06 October 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

"What's this say? 'Garfield?' Some cartoon cat? We only use real money with President Hamilton or President Franklin on it!"

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Are these the same ones who burst a blood vessel when "fiat money" is brought up?

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

It's be best entertainment that can be had for $25

Now that's a business I want in on!!!

Selling dollar coins for $25? Sign me up….

Guppy06 October 19, 2011 at 2:06 pm

They also sell pennies for 50¢, nickels for $2, dimes for $5 and quarters for $10.

Guppy06 October 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

If you hire a freeloader, are they still a freeloader?

imissopus October 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Someone on an earlier thread actually did claim credit.

EDIT: It was El Pinche, the magnificent bastard, on KBJ's story about last night's debate.

freakishlywrong October 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

What is it with these fucking idiots and their ruinous, idiotic pledges? Conservatives hate America. And America hates it (them, stupid) right back.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Actually, it seems like America (a significant proportion, anyway) thinks they are neato.

GregComlish October 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

well you better fold up shop and sell your business to somebody else because this "war against business" is just getting started and it's going to be a long ride for teabagging bitches like you.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

The comments at the Tea Party website would make great sarcasm. Did one of you guys write this?

LETS STOP AMERICAN PROGRESS, NOW!! I don't think your idea goes far enough. We should:
- Large and mid-size business should stop hiring
- Start firing dead weight like mexicans and lazy african americans
- Burn your socialist currency. $1, $5, $10 ,etc bills should be set ablaze like the night sky on 1776!!
- Business should stop providing services and goods to "liberal looking" people.
- Ban socialist freeloaders like policemen, firemen, veterans, teachers, poor old people, liberals, ethnics from business. Don't hire them, don't serve them.
I'm sick of Obama's kenyan marxist policies. Lets stop American growth in its tracks NOW!

PubOption October 19, 2011 at 11:36 am

I didn't write it, but I heard something similar from a ranting drunk last night, in a bar.

El Pinche October 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

Heeheehee ;)

Monsieur_Grumpe October 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Was that you? Nice nice very nice.

mrblifil October 19, 2011 at 3:26 pm

"on 1776" was the giveaway…

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

Like every small business/small business owner is knocking down > $500k a year. WTF is with their logic? – "I'd rather go bankrupt than have someone suggest I pay an additional 3% income tax like I had to back in the rough years from '92 – 2000."

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Another reason why home schooling should be abolished.

thefrontpage October 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

No one should hire any of the teabaggers, either, because production will decrease immediately because of severe, rampant ignorance, stupidity, racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, moronness, craziness, mental health issues, imcompetence, a lack of basic understanding, a severe lack of education, idiocy, redneckness, hillbillyitis, slowness, dumbness, and various levels of General Political and Social and Reality Stupidity Syndrome (GPSRSS).

freakishlywrong October 19, 2011 at 11:17 am

Don't forget Muslins.

FlownOver October 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

Not unlike Will Rogers's observation about the Dust Bowl migration of Okies to California improving the average IQ in both states.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

Plus they are always bumping their rascals into every goddamn thing.

Eve8Apples October 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

No time to snark kids. I'm running to the drywall warehouse to buy all the overstocked drywall. I'm starting my own drywall company so I can put those lazy Teatard bastards out of business once and for all. I 'm calling my company "Walls by Wonkette."

FNMA October 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

I think "Up Against The Wall, Motherfuckers" is a better name for a drywall business.

Eve8Apples October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

I AGREE!

Instead of pointing and firing a 9 mm semi-automatic pistol, my logo will feature a guy pointing and firing a nail gun. Undernearth the "assailant," it will read "Nail first, ask questions later."

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

You could ask Snoop to help you with shopping

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 1:41 pm

And the guy pointing and firing the nail gun should look suspiciously like Chuck Norris….

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 3:18 pm

"Wall of Voodoo" has a nice ring to it, too.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 12:31 pm

At long last, something to bang my head against.

seppdecker October 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

Here in Ohio, our governor struck down an executive order by his predecessor curtailing the ownership of exotic animals because it would "harm small businesses."

Today we have lots of opportunities for small business owners who specialize in horse tranquilizers, animal control, and first aid. Thank god for small businesses.

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am
DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 11:13 am

when did the option to thumbs down a comment become unavailable? Seems very anti-Wonkette, the best part was when you folks attempted to take apart a comment that was contrary to your liberal proclivities. I really used to enjoy getting minus 100 posts over here. (I did and do enjoy your sarcasm, tho')

Limeylizzie October 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

We miss it too, beloved interloper.

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

thanks, xoxoxo

SayItWithWookies October 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

Too many trolls just coming over and thumbs-downing every comment on a thread — it distracted from our fun, although it was an incentive to visit BigGovernment from time to time.

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I never did that, but I did enjoy wonketteers' irreverent sarcasm and obscenity….

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Come for the sarcasm, stay for the buttsechs jokes!

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

Don't be absurd. Wonkette doesn't allow comments.

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

All comments are provided by a anarcho-collective commenting contractor.

imissopus October 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

How 'bout if we get 100 Wonketteers to tell you to fuck off? Would that pep you up some?

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

it would be a start, LMAO
thanks

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

'Splain to us again how Obama's not really preznit because he's Foreign?

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 3:37 pm

oh, I forgot to mention that I also visit wonkette to read dumbass comments like yours.

frostbitefalls October 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

oh, go pleasure yourself in the corner.

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 12:20 pm

that's more like it. xoxox Boris Baddenov.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Capitalize your sentences and understand that there's only one 'd' in Badenov.

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 12:27 pm

It's like the old days when you pumped before you paid, could take an item off the shelf to look at it before you bought it*, and could keep a gentle pitbull without your insurance company losing its mind. It only takes a few assholes to screw up things for everyone else. We were getting so many strafing, basement-dwelling, breibart-blowing fucktards mindlessly downfisting that it was distracting from discussions. There's an upside though…look at how many comments you're getting.

*Seriously Texas…what the fuck? I have to get a clerk with a magic key to unlock the product hanger just so I can read the fine print on the product I'd like to buy?

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm

"…strafing, basement-dwelling, breibart-blowing fucktards mindlessly …"
LMAO.

"…There's an upside though…look at how many comments you're getting…."

true, and now I can post here without decimating my overall point cunt, er I mean count.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Thanks to the >50 comment JavaScript threading, bitching about your p-ness became a big deal.

snoopyfan2010 October 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Lonely, huh?

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Does seem to take some of the fun out of it though. I guess we can find some common ground.

Extemporanus October 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm

˙ʇı ʇsıɟuʍop uɐɔ noʎ 'sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noʎ ɟı

nounverb911 October 19, 2011 at 11:14 am

"What happens when the teabaggers “go Galt”"
They starve to death.

Maman October 19, 2011 at 11:15 am

Perfect. Pledges like Joe's like capitalism and communism only work when everyone agrees to play by the same rules. And you know how well that is working out.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 11:15 am

It would appear that Tea Party Nation also supports the initiative to to adopt an official national language

YasserArraFeck October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

I'd have no problem adopting English as the national language – it might force those mouth-breathing inbred Teabagger motherfuckers to actually learn to speak in coherent sentences. I'm not sure what language they speak now, but it sure doesn't sound like English (Analsphincterish, perhaps?)

HuddledMass October 19, 2011 at 4:24 pm

That's the Ignorant Douchanese dialect they are using, I believe.

CZL October 19, 2011 at 11:16 am

Have fun doing everything yourself, chief!

freakishlywrong October 19, 2011 at 11:16 am

Resolved that: By their agenda and actions, those in our government who swore oaths to protect and defend our Constitution have committed treason against the United States.
They swore an oath to Grover Norquist. Why can't these twatwaffles come to terms with "2 unfunded wars, 1 huge wet, unfunded kiss to big pharma, and 2 tax breaks for the wealthiest makes for freakishly awful fiscal policy."?

Sue4466 October 19, 2011 at 11:28 am

Because they've stuffed their heads too far up Grover Norquist's ass to see or hear something we like to call "reality."

GregComlish October 19, 2011 at 11:17 am

My fellow businessmen: I propose a nakedly collectivist action wherein we all sacrifice our immediate financial interests in order to preserve capitalism. Who's with me?

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

nakedly? I'm in!

slowhansolo October 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm

*crickets

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

nakedly collectivist

Trouble is, you really don't want to see most AmeriCants collectivists naked….

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I'll get back to you after I finish my "Hee-Haw" comic book.

Lucidamente1 October 19, 2011 at 11:18 am

Bonus downer points: Steinbeck ended his days an enthusiastic supporter of the Vietnam War. Sigh.

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

At least he died early, from becoming an insufferable asshole.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Really only one good book, Grapes, but like Heller's one good book, it was a really, really good book. His son now writes for car "magazines."

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:19 am

The stupid in this one is too strong for me to overcome this morning. Let me slam one more pot of coffee and I'll get back to y'all in a minute.

Lascauxcaveman October 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

Some of you know I operate a small business. Here's my version of the sacred pledge:

"I, an American small business operator, part of the class that produces the vast majority of real, wealth producing jobs in this country, hereby resolve that I will not hire a single person because for the first time since early July, my business is fulled staffed, thank God.

I hereby declare that my job creation potential is now ceased, until next summer when business picks up again.

Also, fuck Wall Street."

HateMachine October 19, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Being a small business operator, does the Chamber of Commerce ever send you libertarian fapfic to try and woo you? And if so, do you wipe your ass with it? Or do you just shit directly into it, call it an improvement, and throw it in the garbage?

Lascauxcaveman October 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

My hotel is a member of the local C of C. For 30+ years they've been spearheading all the local socialist projects like major improvements to the downtown core, walking/bike paths, promoting tourism and supporting special events, etc. They know which side of their bread is buttered.

Nothing at all like the worthless, counterproductive National Chamber of Commerce.

franco_pinyon October 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And right in line with a comment I just posted, THIS is how business hiring decisions are made. At least this is how it is done by rational, eventually successful, business owners.

NOBODY hires more people just because the Bush tax cut got extended. Nobody!

tihond October 19, 2011 at 11:22 am

The Tea Partiers who are the first to support this are also the first to complain when they have to wait to long in line because there aren't enough cashiers.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I suppose this means when their house catches fire, they will subcontract putting it out to the lowest bidder. But where will they get the water?

UnholyMoses October 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

So how the holy fuck do these genius business owners think they're going to make any money without any employees to do any work?

Methinks that dickface is not, in fact, a "business owner" (and please note that running Jethro's Meth Lab and Puppy Mill Paradise and Family Fun Center doesn't exactly count) or is easily, without any doubt whatsoever, the dumbest motherfucking business owner in all of recorded human history.

JoshuaNorton October 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

They spelled "jerbs" wrong.

Also.

Too.

Lucidamente1 October 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

Needs moar 9 – 9 – 9

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

Nein! Nein! Nein!

JoeHoya October 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

The Occupy Wall Street protests are being populated by even communists, my friends. Even communists.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:39 am

They may include some goateed college students who are going to grow out of the phase in a few years, my god!

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

Communists are people, my friend.

GlowneyHouse October 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Not familiar with a lot of even communists. Know quite a few odd ones, though…

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm

"I got thrown out of a casino. I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number"

–Stephen Wright

UnholyMoses October 19, 2011 at 11:28 am

What happens when the teabaggers “go Galt'

Our nation's collective IQ jumps by about 100 points?

We'll no longer have more states that allow someone to marry their cousin than we do that allow gay marriage?

My blood pressure will go down by a not insignificant amount?

I will no longer have someone to point to, turn to my son, and say, "You see that guy? That's what a willfully ignorant fucknugget looks like. Avoid people like him."

Or was that question rhetorical …?

Chillwaver October 19, 2011 at 11:31 am

Alright, you snarky bastards…which one of you is commenter "JediNight76" (not "K" in knight) on the Teahadist site?

"LETS STOP AMERICAN PROGRESS, NOW!! I don't think your idea goes far enough. We should:
– Large and mid-size business should stop hiring
– Start firing dead weight like mexicans and lazy african americans
– Burn your socialist currency. $1, $5, $10 ,etc bills should be set ablaze like the night sky on 1776!!
- Business should stop providing services and goods to "liberal looking" people.
- Ban socialist freeloaders like policemen, firemen, veterans, teachers, poor old people, liberals, ethnics from business. Don't hire them, don't serve them.

I'm sick of Obama's kenyan marxist policies. Lets stop American growth in its tracks NOW!"

El Pinche October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

JediNight76 Pinche strikes again ! :)

Chillwaver October 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

Nice. Question: how do you spot "liberal looking" person?

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Tends to weigh under the socialist definition of "obese" and walks with aid?

El Pinche October 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

No cornsyrup stains and doesn't smell like Shoneys all the time.

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

You are my new hero.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

OT, but Our Wonket has been ominously silent about the WILD ANIMALS ON THE LOOSE in Exit 53, Ohio.

Seriously, it's a pity those poor enslaved critters didn't eat that asshole after he let them out of their cages.

Limeylizzie October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

I read that and it made me sad, I am an insane animal lover , to the point that I have never seen Bambi and cannot watch any film that I know has animal death in it, however bring on WW2 movies, I love all the blood and gore in those.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

Between the call of duty and the call of the wild.

ProudLibunatic October 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

I know, right?
I love me some "war porn," but the thought of an animal being harmed brings me to tears.
(BTW: did you ever see Hope and Glory (?), about how "fun" WWII was in England?)

natoslug October 19, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I usually hate seeing animals injured in a film, but found Bambi's death scene in Bambi Meets Godzilla highly moving.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/48455/bambi_meets_g

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

Ominously silent? It was the first post of the morning!

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

Gah!

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Looks like you're "Going Gah."

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

It’s like “going Galt,” only without the 50-page bore-ass speech to the nation.

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 1:30 pm

When was saying something once ever enough around here?

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Uhh …

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

You know who else said…

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I see everything twice!

UnholyMoses October 19, 2011 at 11:47 am
V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

Gah!

crybabyboehner October 19, 2011 at 11:32 am

It's all Mr. Drysdale's fault.

ProudLibunatic October 19, 2011 at 11:33 am

Heavens!!!
Not Marxists AND communists!
(Now I will turn on the lights in my closet because Nobama says we should conserve energy.)

Jerri October 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

I hope the home health care workers who help these all-stars change the TeeVee channel between FoxNews and Two and a Half Men put both the remote and the Teabaggers' grabbin' sticks well out of reach before they leave for the day.

HELisforHEL October 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Those really do seem to be their 'entertainment' options of choice. Delusional meanspirited fake news trying to appear 'balanced' and delusional fake masturbation references trying to appear funny.

Jerri October 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

But they're such wholesome programs! Chock full of American values!

Mahousu October 19, 2011 at 11:36 am

Steinbeck was a little bit off – this crowd is never embarrassed, temporarily or otherwise.

__kth__ October 19, 2011 at 11:42 am

Sounds like the "Christian employer" who shows up in the help wanted ads every now and then. You know, the one whose 15 hours a week at minimum wage gives him the right to smell your breath for any sign that you had a couple beers the night before.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Last one of those I worked for had a daughter that was an awesome fuck, though. I sort of miss getting those nail marks now….

Terry October 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

"Why, as a small business owner, I think that I'll hurt my own business as a way to show those protestors a thing or two!"

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 11:57 am

"By God, I will cut off my nose to spite my face!!!"

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Spoken like a true pimp.

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Lord knows, small business owners absolutely love banks!

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

Haz teeth? And the right number of fingers and toes?

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Can read the employment application? Has the ability to figure out the number of years at the last job without taking off gloves and shoes? Speaks in coherent sentences?

kissawookiee October 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Had actual last job that was not limited to "taking out the trash when Mom yells down the basement steps?"

ThundercatHo October 19, 2011 at 11:46 am

Dear Teatards, (I mean job creators)
I have a simple request. As you boldly lead the way to our Galtian utopia by cutting your own goddamn lawn please wear a shirt. Because, no matter how hot it is (or you think you are) nobody wants to see your sweaty moobs and panus jiggling around on your riding mower. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Everyone who is not blind

BaldarTFlagass October 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

I hereby declare that my job creation potential is now ceased.

Who cares? Those jobs you created before sucked dead dogs, and you're a real fucking dick to work for anyway.

SenileAgitation October 19, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Oh, I bet they had some choice positions. Note that it's the resolver's/declarer's/deluded asshat's job creating potential that is now ceased. So, not that I have any actual jobs available right now, per se, but if I ever were to be in a position to have employment to offer, I fucking would not, because those people protesting the ongoing accumulation of massive wealth for the top .001 percent really frost my nanny, and this will teach them the horrible consequences of their wrong-headed actions. Of course, there might be some blameless local dude who just wants to feed his family or something and would be hanging that sheetrock, you bet, but a few protesters had to ruin it for everyone. I'm sorry protesters made me have to do that to you.

donner_froh October 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

A person who reads that garbage and pretends it is coherent on any level has never hired anyone–or probably held a job himself.

Ken Layne October 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

There are lots of imaginary boardrooms in the teabag consciousness.

proudgrampa October 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

Fine. I didn't want your stupid job selling (candles, aluminum siding, encyclopedias, adult toys) anyway!!!

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

See?

Heir Man Kane was right.

If you don't have a job making millions by selling dildos to Church Ladies, it's your own damn fault…

WhatTheHeck October 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

I suppose The Labor Board should be examining his hiring practices, and OSHA, his working conditions.
On second thoughts, the government crawling all up his ass is communist.

fuflans October 19, 2011 at 11:55 am

oh baggers just fuck off.

you've lost the spotlight and the momentum and you're not even funny anymore.

Billmatic October 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

Two things:

1) ILU KEN
2) I think it's funny that they never thought they'd see people protesting personal property in their lifetime and I'm like, "Well that's why you have to keep everyone happy, instead of trying to get the most."

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Nobody move, or the 'bagger gets it!

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

*jump and waves his arms wildly*

ProudLibunatic October 19, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

It's refreshing to see the Tea Party so openly call for an assault on American workers, just in case there are still independents who thought the teabaggers were about reasonable tax rates and helping the economy or some shit.

prommie October 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Where's the whip?

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Intense Debate made me hide it somewhere on my person because it was "too long". (I assumed they meant the whip.)

Just as well. The Tea Party kept trying to steal it from me.

HELisforHEL October 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

And yet, the media still thinks that's their platform, instead of the moon bat crazy ass racist 'me first' idiocy that they really subscribe to. Please, all of you in "journalism" stop feeding the teabagging troll machine.

El Pinche October 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Ladies and gentlemen, "Jedinight76" has been officially banned from teabagger nation.

But I bet I'll still get email spam begging for more cash.

ThundercatHo October 19, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Just change your name to "Jedinight77", they will never guess.

ProudLibunatic October 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I thought I couldn't heart you any more than I already do, but then you go and get an avatar of the baddest bad-ass ever!
Trejo!!!!

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

This is actually brilliant though. Through poor customer service and slow product delivery, this "job creator's" customers will go to his competitors (remember them assface?) who know that they're in business to make a profit and not to satisfy some ideological wetdream. Then Galty McFuctard will have to declare bankruptcy and go on welfare. Maybe he'll even commit suicide?

slowhansolo October 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Any deluded dimwit can plunk down $300 and instantly become an LLC. And business plans are just wastes of time in the Craigslist-Casino economy.

An_Outhouse October 19, 2011 at 12:40 pm

A post two hours old with 240 ish comments. Did Wonkette go Galt too?

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Sorry, man. I was preparing for my interview with Pantsless Joe's Drywall and Daycare. Turns out he's on strike, though.

subsum October 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Cunts… all of them. Fuck'em.

carlgt1 October 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

shouldn't the tea baggers they elected in '10 have been furiously creating jobs, to show all of us how it's done? Once they got in; all they've done is spout the usual Jesus-freak bullshit.

also this "goin' Galt" BS sounds a lot like the spurious anecdote they had going around i.e. "I own a small biz and unfortunately need to make layoffs — I went to every car with an Obama sticker in the parking lot and promptly laid them off" ad nauseum…

HELisforHEL October 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

They've been (SURPRISE!) especially useless and have certainly hurt any recovery. Good jerb, baggers!

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Reid and Obama won't let 'em create jobs by capping the debt ceiling and reducing spending! How can they get past such forceful opposition?

ttommyunger October 19, 2011 at 12:50 pm

…".With the possible exception of landing that big drywall job I bid for, in which case I promise I will hire as many drywall installers as I can find, at the lowest possible wage so that I can keep myself in beer, cigarettes and Lotto Tickets."

MzNicky October 19, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I'm being told my comments now must be approved by the site administrator, so this is basically a test.

Well okay, that worked. Was it something I said in the heat of the moment during last night's debate, Wonkette? I promise never to use the X-tard word again.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 12:54 pm

The Food and Drug Administration says the deadly listeria outbreak in cantaloupe was probably caused by pools of water on the floor and old, hard-to-clean packing equipment too much gum'mint regulations at a Colorado farm.

//Teatard Logic

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Germs are a liberal conspiracy. They're not in the Bible.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:39 pm

OR the Constimatution.

GOPCrusher October 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

How much do TeaTards get paid to pick cantaloupes?

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

You ever tried scooting around a farm field on a Rascal?

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Hey, that's my wife you're talking about!

Er, don't tell her I said that.

slowhansolo October 19, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Well, I wasn't thinking of anyone specific, except maybe the ex. Apparently it's all in the execution, and the avoidance of grandstanding.

Naked_Bunny October 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I keep being told that's called "marketing". Makes me twitch.

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Well the joke will be on these MiniGalts, because the country has been cutting taxes and deregulating almost without pause since 1980. So there must be so many jerbs out there that nobody will notice if Rick Rebel's Lottery Store and Bait Shop doesn't hire the usual extra worm-digger come fishing season.

Pragmatist2 October 19, 2011 at 12:57 pm

If they stop pretending to hire, I'll stop pretending to work.
Win/win.

Wilcoxyz October 19, 2011 at 1:01 pm

How is this different from the official GOP jobs plan?

UnholyMoses October 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

It has more words, a smaller font size, and fewer pictures.

Other than that, however …

HistoriCat October 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

So does this explain the dearth of Wonkette Jr. posts lately? Has Ken stopped hiring because of the OWS movement?

BTWBFDIMHO October 19, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Her job creation potential is now ceased!
That's our sad reality now. 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm

This joke is a KEEPER, but has an expiration date….

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Rosanne Cash would like to have a word with you…

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm

In other news, comedian Bill Cosby, opera star Beverly Sills, country music legend Johnny Cash, and news anchor Connie Chung have announced they're going to form a band and begin touring this summer. As of yet, the act has no name, but they're inviting suggestions be sent to Cosby, Sills, Cash & Chung, Box 2000….

SNL, ca. 1978

Mondo_Cane October 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

How's Kevin Bacon feeling?

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Snarkiest drywall in the tri-county area!

franco_pinyon October 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

NOT a real business owner, or, owner of a business that is going to remain forever small. No rational, successful business owner will refuse to hire someone who is necessary to the survival or expansion of the business.

Likewise, rational business owners don't hire additional people just because they got (or kept) a tax cut. That is just not how those decisions are made. How does this myth persist?

owhatever October 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I don't care. You only hired illegal immigrants part-time anyway.

OneYieldRegular October 19, 2011 at 1:45 pm

According to the Tea Party Nation web site, the author of this brilliant manifesto is apparently a process server who lives with 6 pet birds. My guess is her job creating potential was ceased long ago and has expired and gone to meet its maker. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If it hadn't nailed to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile! THIS IS AN EX-JOB CREATOR!!

Generation[redacted] October 19, 2011 at 2:35 pm

It's pining for Gerald Ford.

Ducksworthy October 19, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Was it a Norwegian Blue? Maybe its only resting.

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

There are two kinds of Wonketeers: the ones who quote "Blazing Saddles," and the ones who quote Python.

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Why do Randians forget that Galt eventually went where the money was not?

spends2much October 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I'm amazed that people this stupid can even figure out how to turn on a computer, let alone slap together a web site. The paranoia is fun to watch, though:
"Look out, that hippie's coming for your trailer! Second Amendment remedies!"

poncho_pilot October 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

lol. "i'm so important that capitalism would collapse if my small time, two-bit business shut down. derp derp derp. now i'm broke, too! take that Karl Marx Hitler!"

i thought there were some inherent aspect of capitalism concerning a demand for products and services finding a way to get met? yep. they sure understand that shit. really.

MistaEko October 19, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I hereby declare that my job creation potential is now ceased.

No no no, that ceased sometime around your sophomore year of high school.

poncho_pilot October 19, 2011 at 2:23 pm

any chance we could convince some of these dildos that that ice floe is IN FACT the shuttle to Libertopia In The Sea?

coolhandnuke October 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

WWJCD…What Would Jed Clampett Do?

BarackMyWorld October 19, 2011 at 2:41 pm

"I, an American small business owner, part of the class that produces the vast majority of real, wealth producing jobs in this country…"

Another victim of the false belief that every dollar a small business takes in belongs exclusively to the owner regardless of business expenses owed (i.e. typical Republicans).

Antispandex October 19, 2011 at 3:27 pm

They totally left out Chairman Mao.

mrblifil October 19, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I think the "businesses" here being referred to has something to do with keeping a stable of web chat whores.

Extemporanus October 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

OT, but I can't believe that no one's commented on the fact that Our Wonket has been ominously silent about the WILD ANIMALS ON THE LOOSE in Exit 53, Ohio.

Seriously, it's a pity those poor enslaved critters didn't eat that asshole after he let them out of their cages.

ShaveTheWhales October 21, 2011 at 1:46 am

When was saying something once ever enough around here?

/sorry for delay, I've been out of town

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Jay-Z, Oprah and the Hip Hop Illuminati or GTFO!!
http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinio

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

OK, I revise what I said in a comment elsewhere. I AM embarrassed that many stupid hip hop black kids are running around believing this shit.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

You mean Jay-Z doesn't worship Satan and secretly rule the world? That's news to me.

Chet Kincaid October 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

He rules Beyonce's exquisitely toned haunches, which is reason enough to hate him.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Here's what's so annoying about this: it's self-defeating. If business is so good that you need an extra worker or three to handle it, and you don't hire them, you'll lose business. It's as simple as that. Employers don't hire workers because they're longing to fund the creative endeavours of the labouring masses. Employers hire workers because if they didn't, they couldn't grow their business.

When the fat fux of the teabaggage realize that they're not impressing anyone with their "hold-my-breath-till-I-turn-blue" tactics, they'll shut up and fuck off. But our media just lerves to lick their disgusting collective taint in lieu of, you know, having to actually DO any of that journamalism thingy. Eh, they're at, what 20% in the polls now? And stiffing all their service providers. Too bad, so sad, bye bye babies.

glamourdammerung October 19, 2011 at 4:44 pm

These teatards should pray that the majority never decides to act towards them in the manner they try to act towards the majority.

Also, unemployed losers claiming to stop hiring is hilarious.

ndisang67 October 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

This is a "moran" who may not even have health care and would be dead broke by 60 if not for SS…

padremickey October 19, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Every dang one of them is convinced that he/she is a Brilliant Economist, a Foreign Policy expert, an expert historian, a theologian without peer, and, of course, a Constitutional Scholar, which, of course, means they are all delusional.

user-of-owls October 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

I will not hire a single person until this war against business and my country is stopped.

Not much of a pledge when one considers that you don't technically 'hire' a slave.

fishskicanoe October 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Well if they won't give us jobs then I guess our duty as card carrying liberals, socialists and even communists is to kill them and take theirs. I got dibs on the one where I get to sit in my office all day listening to talk radio while looking at web porn and whining to everyone one who walks through the door about my wife, taxes or gas prices, in no particular order.

KenLayIsAlive October 19, 2011 at 8:02 pm

You know who else had one ball?!

102415 October 19, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Hitler!!!!!!!!!!!

ShaveTheWhales October 21, 2011 at 1:47 am

But Goebbels ….well, you know.

102415 October 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Exactly.

rocktonsam October 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

do they hate pants?

a_pink_poodle October 19, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Yes, screw the working man so we can make a political point we'll forget about in a few months!

Veritas78 October 19, 2011 at 9:54 pm

How can we start a rumor that Obama has programmed all the Medicare-supplied Hoveround" batteries to die at 6 a.m. on Election Day? This would create battery-backup jerbs.

anon14 October 19, 2011 at 10:16 pm

The only people who have the potential to do any damage by going Galt are the 99%. John Galt, Hank Reardon and Dagny Taggart aren't Atlas. The 99% are Atlas and we will soon see what happens when Atlas shrugs.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 11:24 am

And it's prommie with the shocker!

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Those are built to haul farm carts and the like. Just not powerful enough for lardassed American teabaggers.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I have one of those. But she only does it when she's having one of her insane fits. That's when she forgets she's not a kitten anymore and tries to do parkour off the bedroom curtains.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 5:05 pm

No, no, it'll be good for laffs and also for teaching your children what to avoid.

Dok-cupy Everything October 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

OK, forget the birf certificate. How about this blast from your past?

I would vote for a means test. Mandatory sterilization for those women who are on welfare with more than one child. For those pregnant, mandatory adoption. This would be a logical alternative to PP, save a ton of money going forward.

there are no reproductive rights for the irresponsible.

DrBobNM, April 8, 2011

You sly charmer, you.

DrBobNM October 19, 2011 at 6:03 pm

are you stalking me? what a pervert. Good policy tho' if I do say so myself. Liberalism is destroying this country. Wonkette is its petrie dish.

snoopyfan2010 October 19, 2011 at 7:54 pm

See, this is what our forefathers died for. The freedom to crush on the president without fear. Do ask, do tell!

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

OK, I'll admit to a medium-to-largish crush. I mean, he IS a hella good-looking man, not to mention in GREAT physical shape.

Negropolis October 20, 2011 at 1:37 am

Why, he was on a fact-finding mission, of course.

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