FOURTH HORSEMAN  8:38 am October 19, 2011

Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters

by Ken Layne

How are things in the American Heartland this morning? Very terrible, according to this video news report from … a comedy blog? A superhero musical? No, it’s from the Associated Press.

In other news, the Founders of Democracy over in Greece are now having the most insane riots of the two years of rioting since bankers reamed that nation so effectively, in the “wake of the financial crisis” or whatever. Reuters says:

Demonstrators clashed with police in front of the Greek parliament on Wednesday as tens of thousands rallied at the start of a general strike timed to coincide with a vote on a bitterly resented new round of austerity measures. Protesters showered police with stones and fire bombs on the steps of the parliament building, forcing them to retreat. The boom of tear gas canisters fired by police rang out over Syntagma Square while black smoke curled into the air.

For the first time since the crisis broke out two years ago, demonstrators reached the steps of the neo-classical building and there was a bitter tang of tear gas inside, a Reuters reporter said.

“A bitter tang of tear gas,” is that what the Reuters reporter said? This is how you know you’re talking to a news reporter, we guess: They speak in comical foreign-correspondent cliches they must have learned from Graham Greene slash fiction. Anyway, watch out for angry escaped zoo monsters that never should’ve been taken from their native environment! Also, the cops are probably practicing on these animals, and the next stop will be the hundreds of occupation protests nationwide. [Reuters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 87 comments }

lefty74 October 19, 2011 at 8:46 am

Who's your Rex Harrison (Dr. Dolittle) now ? Jack Hannah?

Maman October 19, 2011 at 9:03 am

Jeff Corwin just doesn't cut it for me…

Limeylizzie October 19, 2011 at 8:48 am

I hope that adorable Riot Dog is OK.

HuddledMass October 19, 2011 at 10:16 am

Sausage! That's his name. I love that mutt.

paris biltong October 19, 2011 at 8:49 am

I don't know if it's important to note that the building is neo-classical but I'm going to go with neo-classical economics and suggest that Greece default on is debt. In fact, I suggest that all governments default on their debt. Just to see what happens. If any deserving soul suffers as a result, let's make it up for them, but fuck the rest of the creditors, those holding billions of government bonds and, in effect, collecting tax payments.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 9:52 am

It's a business decision, right? Just like how if a company is having a rough patch, they declare bankruptcy and clear their balance sheets. No moral wrong, just business! Sorta like what thousands of people should do with their underwater McMansions! Toss the keys in the mailbox and walk out. I'm sure the banks would be cool with that, since it's what THEY would do if a business deal didn't work out the way that they expected.

paris biltong October 19, 2011 at 9:59 am

In addition, after a while, the bond certificates will become collectibles, like those issued by Russia in 1916 and never redeemed. http://labarregalleries.blogspot.com/2010/11/coll

MARCdMan October 19, 2011 at 8:50 am

I don't think the cops gas, taze and beat escaped animals into comas, they just shoot them.

Come here a minute October 19, 2011 at 8:51 am

Fire bombs and tear gas? Sounds like one of those 'fight them over there so we don't have to over here' situations.

AlterNewt October 19, 2011 at 8:51 am

The bitter tang of tear gas, with just the slightest note of cinnamon.

Smitros October 19, 2011 at 3:20 pm

And a soupçon of asparagus.

CrunchyKnee October 19, 2011 at 8:52 am

Mmmm, Tang.

Schmannnity October 19, 2011 at 8:53 am

Exotic animals escaped in Ohio. Is this code for Black Republicans?

Mumbletypeg October 19, 2011 at 8:57 am

Exotic animals escaped in Ohio

Beat me to it.

ManchuCandidate October 19, 2011 at 8:57 am

Lions and Tigers and Rioters, oh my.

bureaucrap October 19, 2011 at 8:58 am

I suspect the cops will be instructed to be kinder to the animals than to the protesters. There is no constituency for clubbing a hyena to unconsciousness, but a gigantic (wealthy) one for similarly clubbing occupiers.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 8:58 am

For Pete's sake, I can't have illegal zoo animals sneaking around Ohio!

I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT….

DerrickWildcat October 19, 2011 at 9:00 am

I don't know which is worse.
The asshole that thinks owning animals like that is a good idea or the assholes who let this asshole own animals like that.

Maman October 19, 2011 at 9:01 am

Don't you love it when the thin veneer of civilization wears thin?

weejee October 19, 2011 at 9:02 am

Darwin loves freedomz loving people.

Chillwaver October 19, 2011 at 9:03 am

Exotic animals from Ohio? Have they found the Orange Orangutan yet?

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 9:25 am

They're still following the trail of its tears.

Chillwaver October 19, 2011 at 9:31 am

And it will probably lead to a Motel 6 room, where they'll find him bangin' the intern of the month.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 10:26 am

With Marcus leading them in "prayer".

DerrickWildcat October 19, 2011 at 9:05 am

By the way, that Greek parliament building looks like a bridge.

Barrelhse October 19, 2011 at 9:43 am

True, but it's a Neo-classical bridge.

AJWjr. October 19, 2011 at 1:21 pm

To nowhere?

Mumbletypeg October 19, 2011 at 9:05 am

Does a "dark horse" republican campaigning to win the black hearts of fruity-fringe reprobates & wiccan-lovers count as an escaped exotic animal?

OurHoboSenator October 19, 2011 at 9:06 am

Our previous governor had signed an executive order that banned private individuals keeping exotic animals like this. But Kasich let that expire because FREEDUMB!

And as an added little ironic twist, "Jungle" Jack Hanna of the Columbus Zoo, who is in Zanesville helping the cops deal with this, is a big Kasich supporter.

Terry October 19, 2011 at 9:57 am

People like Jack Hanna who are looking for broad based support for their organization are better off when they appear to be non-partisan.

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

He thought it said erotic animals.

Jack Hanna. Isn't he the guy that got stabbed in the heart by a fish? I can't keep these guys straight?

seppdecker October 19, 2011 at 11:19 am

That makes sense, since I've known people at the zoo who told me that Hanna was a sad, dumb drunk.

NeonTrotsky October 19, 2011 at 9:07 am

Fuck yeah, people of Greece. Fuck yeah.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 9:07 am

But the good news is, the cake is baked.

//crickets

MrFizzy October 19, 2011 at 9:08 am

Those are the Santorum kids that escaped. Should be easy to recapture if they reflect light as much as dad does.

SorosBot October 19, 2011 at 9:10 am

So basically, the Germans are using their stranglehold on the EU fiscal policy to destroy the rest of Europe economically where they failed militarily. This austerity bullshit at a time when governments should be spending more is bad enough over here, but it's really been devastating in the poorer Euro countries.

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2011 at 9:16 am

Cheney! You really are an extreme hunter, aren't you?

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2011 at 9:20 am

Sorry Greece, I'll feel sorry for you when you work til 66 years old like we have to. Stop the buttsecks orgy and get back to work and type on Wonkette all day like the rest of us.!

738838 October 19, 2011 at 10:48 am

How do you separate the men from the boys in ancient Greece?
With a crowbar. Thank you, thank you very much.

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

Not the hind lick manuever?

riffin1 October 19, 2011 at 9:23 am

An odd flavor for Tang…

James Michael Curley October 19, 2011 at 9:25 am

Perry and Palin would have been in Ohio by now shootin' and baggin' and cleaning the whole place up by now

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 9:57 am

And bell ringing. Don't forget the bellsbellsbellsbellsbellsbellsbells. The shootin' and the ringin' of the bells.

RedneckMuslin October 19, 2011 at 10:20 am

From choppers! Don't forget the choppers!

James Michael Curley October 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

‘forget the choppers’As a Vietnam vet I’m trying.But if the time is right, I’ll ‘roll hot’ on a few hoverround mounted wingnuts.Don’t forget what happened to Blofeld in the James Bond movie.

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 10:30 am

Ohio has a Niggerhead, too, where Perry can go target practice with his rentboy?

Arken October 19, 2011 at 9:28 am

When it comes to the Greeks, the rioters aren't as much of a problem as the cyclopses and sphinxes.

Terry October 19, 2011 at 9:54 am

You can fake out a cyclops fairly easily. BIG blind spots, for a start. The sphinxes are, well, sort of ungainly and easy to outrun.

It's the minotaurs and gorgons that are tough.

Arken October 19, 2011 at 9:57 am

Dude. Sphinxes have wings.

Terry October 19, 2011 at 10:14 am

Still ungainly.

738838 October 19, 2011 at 10:49 am

You mean cyclops and sphincters.

OccupyFnChicken October 19, 2011 at 9:30 am

Well, at least Americans are too sick to riot, and probably won't be good eating for the bears.

Plowmon October 19, 2011 at 9:34 am

I'd like to see a couple of fat cops put nylon wire-ties on an enraged tiger instead of some wormy college kid. In fact I'd PAY to see that…

ThundercatHo October 19, 2011 at 9:39 am

According to the article about the escaped exotic animals the cops are shooting them all on sight with no attempt to tranquilize or recapture. Apparently there are several big cats and bears at large along with non-predators such as giraffes, etc. Schools are closed and residents are being advised to stay indoors. Not sure if this is because of the escaped animals or trigger happy law enforcement officials.

GunToting[Redacted] October 19, 2011 at 9:59 am

Or the worrisome psychic trauma of having some little kid watch the characters from "Madagascar" getting slaughtered by the po-po.

grex1949 October 19, 2011 at 11:17 am

Reminds me of the country-western "artist" who paid to shoot a domesticated bear in one of these crappy private zoos. I'll bet there were high-fives all around at the Sheriff's office when the call came in about these escaped "wild" animals. Sickening.

Golfing_OJ October 19, 2011 at 9:45 am

When there is no… more… room in hell,
the dead… will walk the earth!

simplyblue7 October 19, 2011 at 9:48 am

Escaped zoo animals? That sounds biblical.

Terry October 19, 2011 at 9:52 am

God must hate the Real Americans in Ohio, just like He appears to be really p.o.'d at Texas as they've been in a massive drought for several years.

Chichikovovich October 19, 2011 at 10:07 am

The plague of camels.

HarryButtle October 19, 2011 at 9:49 am

Greetings, Ohio, from the Army of the Twelve Monkeys!

(And is it really just a coincidence that Teh Wonkette mentioned Marlin Perkins only yesterday?)

Steverino247 October 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

As for Greece, UNLEASH THE KRAKEN!

Terry October 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

Can Greek architecture be neo-classical? How would they do that? Create a style that replicates their own style?

fuflans October 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

the key question of our times.

donner_froh October 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

That is so post-modern that it couldn't exist.

OneYieldRegular October 19, 2011 at 9:51 am

Lions and tigers and drunk Republican state legislators, oh my!

Trannysurprise October 19, 2011 at 9:59 am

"The Bitter Poontang of Tears" by L. Sarah, in stores for Christmas. Check your local retailer.

hagajim October 19, 2011 at 10:04 am

"watch out for angry escaped zoo monsters – Somebody let the orange monster out of the cage again?

chicken_thief October 19, 2011 at 10:33 am

That sounds like a drunken Boehner line as he undresses for bed. Then, of course, he wept.

Wilcoxyz October 19, 2011 at 10:31 am

Wolverines! I mean, oh shit, wolverines!

HistoriCat October 19, 2011 at 10:51 am

Be careful – it's a jungle out there.

thefrontpage October 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Our news team is here in Zanesville today covering this story, and we stopped in to have breakfast this morning and the Zanesville Diner, and this is what is on the menu today, really:

1. Lion soup

2. Lion and tiger stew

3. Tiger Meat Casserole

4. Monkey brains

5. Camel toes (a bit of diner humor there)

6. Mountain lion hamburger patties

7. Ostrich eggs.

Apparently, the local cops, not knowing what to do with the slaughtered animals, dropped the carcasses off at several Zanesville restaurants, including the Zanesville Diner, one of the most popular local restaurants! The meat was butchered, and served up for breakfast and lunch and dinner today at several Zanesville eateries! We had the lion soup, which was delicious!

AJWjr. October 19, 2011 at 1:36 pm

The hell–no Chinese restaurants in Zanesville?

donner_froh October 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

"Ohio has some of the nation's weakest restrictions on exotic animals and the highest number of injuries and deaths caused by them."

You would almost think that there was a connection.

Nostrildamus October 19, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Freedom!

fuflans October 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

remember how the media treated the collapse of the iraqi zoo as the harbinger of civil order?

our turn!

fuflans October 19, 2011 at 12:27 pm

also, this makes me really sad.

ttommyunger October 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm

There actually were wild animals in Greece, Italy, Spain at one time. One could enjoy them in their natural state. Of course, they were needed in the Coliseum for our entertainment, so……..

CapnFatback October 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

/snark

Several of my students are from the Zanesville area, and they weren't sure that they would make it to school today. They had their dogs on short leashes for the pups' bathroom breaks, and sprinted to their cars so they could make it to campus. This suicide (and effective slaughter of the animals) comes on the heels of a nearby murder-suicide on Tuesday and others in recent memory, not to mention a bizarre murder-kidnapping.

This is small-town Ohio, folks, just east of Columbus.

Perhaps it is all a coincidence, perhaps its the meth. Or maybe it's the growing despondency of the middle class. The so-called Heartland is breaking.

And I can't help but find it a damned shame.

Sharkey October 19, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Release the Kraken!

MegPasadena October 19, 2011 at 1:37 pm

They seem to think killing those animals is the only choice.
How strange.

glamourdammerung October 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Most rural police departments lack tranquilizer guns, let alone enough for 45+ large animals. And then there is the issue of where do you put a tranquilized lion before it wakes up.

MegPasadena October 20, 2011 at 10:13 am

Thanks for the perspective.
I also heard that the owner cut the wires of the cages before he killed himself so that the animals couldn't be put back there temporarily if they were captured.
It is saddening.

owhatever October 19, 2011 at 1:57 pm

It's a great day in Ohio! Even the tigers are job creating, by providing work for morgue cleanup crews. Wanna bet that some hunter who wants to bag a cheetah gets killed before this is all over?

chascates October 19, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Bachmann will claim Hugo Chavez and Hezbollah are behind this.

Nostrildamus October 19, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I'm sure the invisible hand will round up the escaped critters pronto.

bobby_dee October 20, 2011 at 5:44 am

Had Ohio held off a few hours for the great white hunters to arrive in their Lear jets from Manhattan and Houston, Kasich could've balanced the budget. Endangered Bengal Tigers would surely bring 10 million each. Hell, the diseased monkey probably would've brought a few bucks. Professional photographs and taxidermy extra.

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