Cops Now Hunting Escaped Zoo Monsters

  fourth horseman

How are things in the American Heartland this morning? Very terrible, according to this video news report from … a comedy blog? A superhero musical? No, it’s from the Associated Press.

In other news, the Founders of Democracy over in Greece are now having the most insane riots of the two years of rioting since bankers reamed that nation so effectively, in the “wake of the financial crisis” or whatever. Reuters says:

Demonstrators clashed with police in front of the Greek parliament on Wednesday as tens of thousands rallied at the start of a general strike timed to coincide with a vote on a bitterly resented new round of austerity measures. Protesters showered police with stones and fire bombs on the steps of the parliament building, forcing them to retreat. The boom of tear gas canisters fired by police rang out over Syntagma Square while black smoke curled into the air.

For the first time since the crisis broke out two years ago, demonstrators reached the steps of the neo-classical building and there was a bitter tang of tear gas inside, a Reuters reporter said.

“A bitter tang of tear gas,” is that what the Reuters reporter said? This is how you know you’re talking to a news reporter, we guess: They speak in comical foreign-correspondent cliches they must have learned from Graham Greene slash fiction. Anyway, watch out for angry escaped zoo monsters that never should’ve been taken from their native environment! Also, the cops are probably practicing on these animals, and the next stop will be the hundreds of occupation protests nationwide. [Reuters]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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87 comments

  1. paris biltong

    I don't know if it's important to note that the building is neo-classical but I'm going to go with neo-classical economics and suggest that Greece default on is debt. In fact, I suggest that all governments default on their debt. Just to see what happens. If any deserving soul suffers as a result, let's make it up for them, but fuck the rest of the creditors, those holding billions of government bonds and, in effect, collecting tax payments.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      It's a business decision, right? Just like how if a company is having a rough patch, they declare bankruptcy and clear their balance sheets. No moral wrong, just business! Sorta like what thousands of people should do with their underwater McMansions! Toss the keys in the mailbox and walk out. I'm sure the banks would be cool with that, since it's what THEY would do if a business deal didn't work out the way that they expected.

  2. Come here a minute

    Fire bombs and tear gas? Sounds like one of those 'fight them over there so we don't have to over here' situations.

  3. bureaucrap

    I suspect the cops will be instructed to be kinder to the animals than to the protesters. There is no constituency for clubbing a hyena to unconsciousness, but a gigantic (wealthy) one for similarly clubbing occupiers.

  4. DahBoner

    For Pete's sake, I can't have illegal zoo animals sneaking around Ohio!

    I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT….

  5. OurHoboSenator

    Our previous governor had signed an executive order that banned private individuals keeping exotic animals like this. But Kasich let that expire because FREEDUMB!

    And as an added little ironic twist, "Jungle" Jack Hanna of the Columbus Zoo, who is in Zanesville helping the cops deal with this, is a big Kasich supporter.

    1. Terry

      People like Jack Hanna who are looking for broad based support for their organization are better off when they appear to be non-partisan.

    2. RedneckMuslin

      He thought it said erotic animals.

      Jack Hanna. Isn't he the guy that got stabbed in the heart by a fish? I can't keep these guys straight?

  6. MrFizzy

    Those are the Santorum kids that escaped. Should be easy to recapture if they reflect light as much as dad does.

  7. SorosBot

    So basically, the Germans are using their stranglehold on the EU fiscal policy to destroy the rest of Europe economically where they failed militarily. This austerity bullshit at a time when governments should be spending more is bad enough over here, but it's really been devastating in the poorer Euro countries.

  8. RedneckMuslin

    Sorry Greece, I'll feel sorry for you when you work til 66 years old like we have to. Stop the buttsecks orgy and get back to work and type on Wonkette all day like the rest of us.!

    1. 738838

      How do you separate the men from the boys in ancient Greece?
      With a crowbar. Thank you, thank you very much.

  9. James Michael Curley

    Perry and Palin would have been in Ohio by now shootin' and baggin' and cleaning the whole place up by now

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      And bell ringing. Don't forget the bellsbellsbellsbellsbellsbellsbells. The shootin' and the ringin' of the bells.

      1. James Michael Curley

        ‘forget the choppers’As a Vietnam vet I’m trying.But if the time is right, I’ll ‘roll hot’ on a few hoverround mounted wingnuts.Don’t forget what happened to Blofeld in the James Bond movie.

    1. Terry

      You can fake out a cyclops fairly easily. BIG blind spots, for a start. The sphinxes are, well, sort of ungainly and easy to outrun.

      It's the minotaurs and gorgons that are tough.

  10. OccupyFnChicken

    Well, at least Americans are too sick to riot, and probably won't be good eating for the bears.

  11. Plowmon

    I'd like to see a couple of fat cops put nylon wire-ties on an enraged tiger instead of some wormy college kid. In fact I'd PAY to see that…

  12. ThundercatHo

    According to the article about the escaped exotic animals the cops are shooting them all on sight with no attempt to tranquilize or recapture. Apparently there are several big cats and bears at large along with non-predators such as giraffes, etc. Schools are closed and residents are being advised to stay indoors. Not sure if this is because of the escaped animals or trigger happy law enforcement officials.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Or the worrisome psychic trauma of having some little kid watch the characters from "Madagascar" getting slaughtered by the po-po.

    2. grex1949

      Reminds me of the country-western "artist" who paid to shoot a domesticated bear in one of these crappy private zoos. I'll bet there were high-fives all around at the Sheriff's office when the call came in about these escaped "wild" animals. Sickening.

    1. Terry

      God must hate the Real Americans in Ohio, just like He appears to be really p.o.'d at Texas as they've been in a massive drought for several years.

  13. HarryButtle

    Greetings, Ohio, from the Army of the Twelve Monkeys!

    (And is it really just a coincidence that Teh Wonkette mentioned Marlin Perkins only yesterday?)

  14. Terry

    Can Greek architecture be neo-classical? How would they do that? Create a style that replicates their own style?

  15. Trannysurprise

    "The Bitter Poontang of Tears" by L. Sarah, in stores for Christmas. Check your local retailer.

  16. thefrontpage

    Our news team is here in Zanesville today covering this story, and we stopped in to have breakfast this morning and the Zanesville Diner, and this is what is on the menu today, really:

    1. Lion soup

    2. Lion and tiger stew

    3. Tiger Meat Casserole

    4. Monkey brains

    5. Camel toes (a bit of diner humor there)

    6. Mountain lion hamburger patties

    7. Ostrich eggs.

    Apparently, the local cops, not knowing what to do with the slaughtered animals, dropped the carcasses off at several Zanesville restaurants, including the Zanesville Diner, one of the most popular local restaurants! The meat was butchered, and served up for breakfast and lunch and dinner today at several Zanesville eateries! We had the lion soup, which was delicious!

  17. donner_froh

    "Ohio has some of the nation's weakest restrictions on exotic animals and the highest number of injuries and deaths caused by them."

    You would almost think that there was a connection.

  18. fuflans

    remember how the media treated the collapse of the iraqi zoo as the harbinger of civil order?

    our turn!

  19. ttommyunger

    There actually were wild animals in Greece, Italy, Spain at one time. One could enjoy them in their natural state. Of course, they were needed in the Coliseum for our entertainment, so……..

  20. CapnFatback

    /snark

    Several of my students are from the Zanesville area, and they weren't sure that they would make it to school today. They had their dogs on short leashes for the pups' bathroom breaks, and sprinted to their cars so they could make it to campus. This suicide (and effective slaughter of the animals) comes on the heels of a nearby murder-suicide on Tuesday and others in recent memory, not to mention a bizarre murder-kidnapping.

    This is small-town Ohio, folks, just east of Columbus.

    Perhaps it is all a coincidence, perhaps its the meth. Or maybe it's the growing despondency of the middle class. The so-called Heartland is breaking.

    And I can't help but find it a damned shame.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Most rural police departments lack tranquilizer guns, let alone enough for 45+ large animals. And then there is the issue of where do you put a tranquilized lion before it wakes up.

      1. MegPasadena

        Thanks for the perspective.
        I also heard that the owner cut the wires of the cages before he killed himself so that the animals couldn't be put back there temporarily if they were captured.
        It is saddening.

  21. owhatever

    It's a great day in Ohio! Even the tigers are job creating, by providing work for morgue cleanup crews. Wanna bet that some hunter who wants to bag a cheetah gets killed before this is all over?

  22. bobby_dee

    Had Ohio held off a few hours for the great white hunters to arrive in their Lear jets from Manhattan and Houston, Kasich could've balanced the budget. Endangered Bengal Tigers would surely bring 10 million each. Hell, the diseased monkey probably would've brought a few bucks. Professional photographs and taxidermy extra.

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