Dark Horse Candidate Gary Johnson Planning To Win On Pagan Vote

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

We get several hundred emails a week from Gary Johnson’s presidential campaign begging us to go on some “blogger call” or another to hear Gary Johnson discuss his favorite jogging apps or mandatory marijuana for third graders or whatever, but we have largely ignored him because, eh, there can be ONLY ONE TRUE libertarian in the race (according to a rule we just made up), who is Ron Paul. But not everyone ignores Gary Johnson’s calls, as it turns out:

Gary Johnson’s unorthodox campaign for the Republican presidential nomination continued Sunday, when he spoke at a Google+ town hall conducted by representatives of various pagan media outlets.

The former New Mexico governor spoke with members of the Pagan Newswire Collective, ModernWitch Podcast and Patheos.com, among others. He said it was important to reach out to voters that fall outside the Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths, and slammed his own party for being too beholden to the Christian right.

“I think the world looks down on Republicans for their socially conservative views, which includes religion in government,” Johnson said. “I think that should not play a role in any of this. When Republicans talk about values — you know what? I bet you and I have the same values.”

[The Hill]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 116 comments }

Gratuitous World October 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm

finally someone with the courage to combat the War On Solstice.

I'm in!

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

He's gonna put the Saturn back in Saturnalia!

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I'm down wit' dat.

bagofmice October 19, 2011 at 1:30 am

Io!

OC_Surf_Serf October 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Well, last Solstice I only got a sweater. I asked for a moaner or screamer…

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Such a bad little kitty, you are!

DrunkIrishman October 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Beautiful, drifting Gypsy man, collecting empty soda cans. He whispered, "Atlantis is not far away, just travel on a manta ray."

BarackMyWorld October 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Is there another Republican debate tonight?

Is anyone besides "The Daily Show" writing staff still paying attention at this point?

SexySmurf October 18, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Gary Johnson is trying to get the Pagan vote? The Hells Angels are going to be pissed.

Callyson October 18, 2011 at 5:51 pm

As Homer Simpson said, "God bless those pagans."

ManchuCandidate October 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Lascauxcaveman October 18, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Oh, man! What a flashback! I can just hear that coin drop on the crash cymbal.

metamarcisf October 18, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Gary Johnson – Sonny Barger 2012.

Indiepalin October 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm

There is a sizable voting block of Druids that have to be encouraged by this development.

hagajim October 18, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Is this guy related to T-Paw…because I've never heard of him.

Mumbletypeg October 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Johnson must have a confuzed. Possibly he misheard this "Jesus-Wean" that's the hot new thing?

edgydrifter October 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm

It's hard to croak out more than a grim chuckle when you consider why Gary Johnson is the most laughed-at Republican candidate.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I can't imagine that he would be, when the other candidates offer such a wealth of material to work with.

Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot we were talking about REPUBLICANS.

Come here a minute October 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Beowulf?

SexySmurf October 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

You know who else used ancient European occult practices to gain political power (According to every documentary on the History Channel)?

Indiepalin October 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Ty Cobb?

SayItWithWookies October 18, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Mistah Kurtz?

Not_So_Much October 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Putin's Hairless Chest?

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:14 pm

I don't care what anyone else says, Vladi is hella sexay.

But Barack is sexier.

Chichikovovich October 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Sigrid the Haughty? Svejn Forkbeard?

RadioOcupados October 18, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Obama?

Chichikovovich October 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Macbeth?

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Gaius Octavian Caesar, Filius Divus Julius?

SudsMcKenzie October 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Robert Plant?

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:14 pm

This one just HAS to be Hitler. I'm going with Hitler.

What do I win?

Spurning Beer October 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Dick Cheney? Or Hitler. Six of one….

Negropolis October 19, 2011 at 1:49 am

ETs?

ShaveTheWhales October 19, 2011 at 2:32 am

Jesus Ween?

glamourdammerung October 19, 2011 at 3:45 am

Joey Ratzinger?

gurukalehuru October 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Getafix?

littlebigdaddy October 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Johnson–O'Donnell '12!!!!111!!!

PocketsTheClown October 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Yay! Campaign launches this Halloween!

Er, shouldn't somebody throw a cat or something?

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:16 pm

NO! You're not supposed to throw cats, they're sacred. However, you can certainly throw a Bush, if you're so inclined. There's rumours that Christine might have one that meets, so to speak, the need.

Lascauxcaveman October 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm

I'm not a witch! I'm a rather hairy ladybug.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:16 pm

The silly bitch shoulda stuck to ladybugging, instead of lady-bugging. She was kinda cute, in a stupid sort of way.

Negropolis October 19, 2011 at 1:50 am

Christine-not-Rosie-or-Chris-or-Lawrence!!!11!!

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 9:07 am

Which witch is which though?

nounverb911 October 18, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Gary Johnson? He's Arte's son?

hebmskebm October 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

GOP Debate Organizers: Hey Mittens! Hey Frothy! Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry, not you, Gary.

Gary Johnson: Why not?

[GOP points to sign, "No Libertarians Club"]

Gary Johnson: But you let in Ron Paul.

GOP Debate Organizers: It says no libertarians. We're allowed to have one.

Ron Paul: Hyuck Hyuck!

Extemporanus October 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

In related news, Newt just released an "It Gets Better" video.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Newt would NEVER do that, unless there are signs that it gets better FOR NEWT.

Schmannnity October 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

HE'S A WITCH! BURN HIM!!!!

Not_So_Much October 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Only one way to know for sure — we'll need our largest scales and a duck.

Schmannnity October 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Not a chance. Even Dark Ages science has no place in the Republican Party.

OC_Surf_Serf_+OWS October 18, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Alchemy is approved…they would love to turn everything into gold

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Given their undisputed talent for turning everything into shit, they need to exercise a little caution.

Numbat_Dundee October 18, 2011 at 7:07 pm

He must be. He turned Boehner orange! He also truned Bachman into a human being, but she got better.

deanbooth October 18, 2011 at 8:09 pm

At least he's not a Newt.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I wouldn't call her current state "better."

elviouslyqueer October 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Gary's not a witch. He's… who?

nounverb911 October 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Your link does not work. I R crushed.

weejee October 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Another uplifting plank in the Johnson platform.

Now a word from our sponsor.

Guppy06 October 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I've known Wiccans.

None of them have struck me as the Republican type.

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

From my experience, they're mostly a bunch of lesbian or bi hippie chicks; not exactly the Republican base no.

Guppy06 October 18, 2011 at 11:41 pm

"they're mostly a bunch of lesbian or bi hippie chicks;"

Now you're just making me nostalgic.

glamourdammerung October 18, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I have have the "pleasure" of meeting more than a few of the Asatru types and they tend to be in the "I am not a Nazi, I just happen to masturbate to my signed copy of 'Mein Kampf'"/Paultard crowd.

SayItWithWookies October 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

That's a long-neglected Republican demographic right there — I'm sure if Gary Johnson picks up some momentum he can combine the pagan vote with the Republican atheists, science teachers, artists and hackey-sackers and suddenly turn into a force to be reckoned with.

littlebigdaddy October 18, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I think there may be some overlap with Greater Paultardia.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Oh, yeah, all twelve of them.

mumbly_joe October 19, 2011 at 8:37 am

Funny story: two of my best friends are a pagan science teacher and her quasi-libertarian online poker-player boyfriend.

Pretty sure they're both voting for Obama, though. Sorry Gary!

RadioOcupados October 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm

He still be hatin' on those atheists though.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 18, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Everyone knows atheists have NO MORALS because they didn't go to Sunday school.

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 8:08 pm

But what about us atheists who did go to Sunday school? Along with attending Catholic school, getting it from both sides of the Reformation.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 18, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Get over and comment on the Duh-baits, man!

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Not you TOO! ZOMFG.

And here I thought I was the ONLY atheist ever who went to a Baptist Sunday school on weekends and to a Roman Catholic school on weekdays!

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Lutheran Sunday school here, but yes to both. My mom's a Lutheran, while dad's an agnostic who taught (retired after last June) at an expensive private Catholic school that me & my brother went to for free.

Negropolis October 19, 2011 at 1:52 am

Heh. You said "both sides". Heh.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I WENT!!! It's not my fault I couldn't stay awake.

DerrickWildcat October 18, 2011 at 6:15 pm

Pagans can't eat cheese or eggs.

Thurman Munster IV October 18, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Except Egg McMuffins, which are neither

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Well, they *can,* if they try.

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 18, 2011 at 8:35 pm

What about Mormons?

PocketsTheClown October 19, 2011 at 12:42 am

Delicious.

Michele_Blachmann October 19, 2011 at 3:27 am

It's a little difficult getting them down.

poncho_pilot October 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm

"because, eh, there can be ONLY ONE TRUE libertarian in the race"

needs more beheading and lightening. this might inspire:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qx4dFzKTys

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Thank you. Whom would you like beheaded and lightened first?

poncho_pilot October 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

bring me the head of John the Baptist.

oh. wait.

wrong story. (and bad spelling on my part. oops!)

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I can bring you this one.

What bad spelling? A human head weighs roughly 7 lb. Anyone losing theirs will *definitely* be lightened.

poncho_pilot October 18, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Alfredo Garcia? is that when instead of fettuccine, you use rice?

dogscantlookup October 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Good Evening, Pagans.
Don't forget your goat leggings!

SorosBot October 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Getting the pagan gods on his side could be a shrewd move by Johnson; let's face it, Hercules or Thor could kick Jesus' ass any day of the week, and he'd just stand there and turn the other cheek.

OneYieldRegular October 18, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Johnson seems to be using the same strategy as this current candidate for mayor of San Francisco (it's his reply to the question: "What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?").

Paul Currier:
"I was naked at school and it was recess and everyone saw me. It used to happen over and over in my dream. (smile) In real life? When I got caught for shoplifting at age five in a drug store. I peed in my pants. My arrest by the Drug Enforcement Administration for manufacturing and distribution of four to eight times more LSD that Owsley was not nearly so embarrassing. That happened on May 19th, 1986. I did not pee in my pants then. Oh well. From purple micro-dots, thru lots of blotter, windowpane, clearlight and my signature purple pyramid gells, I guess I did make a lot of Acid. That was then and this is now. I have not had the naked dream in decades. I also have not made any more Acid."

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:25 pm

In his defense, he must have had a good working knowledge of SCIENCE to manufacture acid. No?

glamourdammerung October 18, 2011 at 6:46 pm

All the unicorn chasers I know are Paultards. But of course, there is an overlap between some of these pagan groups and white supremacists and well, we all know who their favored candidate is by now.

littlebigdaddy October 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Is this another Hitler thread?

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 18, 2011 at 6:50 pm

If Big Debate had allowed this guy in, everybody'd be talking about him instead of John Huntsman.

No, wait — nobody's talking about the Huntsguy. So why isn't Johnson invited?

mavenmaven October 18, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Hey, don't discount the growing Buddhist vote! Perhaps he's turning Japanese!

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Sauron Angle thinks he could be Asian.

Negropolis October 19, 2011 at 1:53 am

LOL!

SudsMcKenzie October 18, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I read that as " Planning to win One Pagan Vote".

MiniMencken October 18, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Shango angry, Mister Johnson. Gonna make plenty big wahalla for you now. Why you ignore Shango?

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

Schmannnity October 18, 2011 at 8:07 pm

And then [in best Howard Dean shout] we're going to Florida for the Santeria, Voodoo and Rastafarian vote.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Eww, yes, they'll be spooging and splooging all OVER each other tonight.

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 8:21 pm

It's an S/I blend with plenty of painkilling properties.

Sharkey October 18, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Right because see Kirsten, agnostics like myself never enter into your view. Thanks again for this shit you keep shoveling us. According to YOU, now I am officially a pagan. So sweet, you cunt.

Come here a minute October 18, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Of course Pagans have the same values as Gary Johnson: GOLD!

Negropolis October 19, 2011 at 1:47 am

“I think that should not play a role in any of this. When Republicans talk about values — you know what? I bet you and I have the same values.”

He's a witch! Burn him!

What a freaky-deak. I'll have what he's having…but only a trace amount lest I want to be totally dislocated from reality forever.

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 9:06 am

"I bet you and I have the same values."

You lose, Johnson…

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 9:04 am

So…not only do the republicans have the Log Cabin Conservatives, they now have the Gingerbread Cottage Conservatives?

gurukalehuru October 24, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Don't forget the Uncle Tom's cabin conservatives – Herman Cain, Clarence Thomas, that Adam West guy down in Florida…

DahBoner October 19, 2011 at 9:04 am

"That foreign aid makes Israel dependent on us."

And here in America, we like Our Jews to make us dependent on them.

He who has the Gold Man Sacks, makes dah rulez, babeeeeee….

DashboardBuddha October 19, 2011 at 9:09 am

I have to wonder about folks like Gary. He must know he doesn't have a Pebber Nodder's chance in Asgard of winning. Does he posses some monstrously delusional ego, or is he just doing it for the larfs?

ttommyunger October 19, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Well, at least he doesn't beg the question: "What the fuck is this guy smoking?" Everything, Katie.

4TheTurnstiles October 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Seen around the Econ department at George Mason University (notoriously neoliberal and wingnutty): adverts for LIBERTY and GARY JOHNSON. I guess *someone* likes the guy. Analogy: Johnson is to Ron Paul as… ___________________

rickmaci October 20, 2011 at 3:57 am

Somebody needs to check the Kool-Aid being served at Republitard gatherings. Either that or Obama has hired somebody to cast voodoo spells on the Republicans. He could well end up being the most unpopular man ever elected president simply because his opposition appears to be a bunch of whack jobs in need of serious medication and/or really bizarre weirdos.

Ducksworthy October 20, 2011 at 3:36 pm

There is only one Republican value and it is denominated in $$$$$.

gizdal October 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

johnson will get the marijuana vote- a majority of americans now believe we should legalize marijuana, and there's his really constituency. win it, johnson, and let us have free weed.

gurukalehuru October 24, 2011 at 3:08 pm

P.eople A.gainst G.oodness A.nd N.ormalcy

Michele_Blachmann October 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Thank god, we're not twins separated at birth. My father was an atheist and my mother was an Orthodox. Why they sent us to a fucking Baptist Sunday school and a Catholic school is completely beyond me. But there ya go. They've always been crazy.

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