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Dark Horse Candidate Gary Johnson Planning To Win On Pagan Vote

We get several hundred emails a week from Gary Johnson’s presidential campaign begging us to go on some “blogger call” or another to hear Gary Johnson discuss his favorite jogging apps or mandatory marijuana for third graders or whatever, but we have largely ignored him because, eh, there can be ONLY ONE TRUE libertarian in the race (according to a rule we just made up), who is Ron Paul. But not everyone ignores Gary Johnson’s calls, as it turns out:

Gary Johnson’s unorthodox campaign for the Republican presidential nomination continued Sunday, when he spoke at a Google+ town hall conducted by representatives of various pagan media outlets.

The former New Mexico governor spoke with members of the Pagan Newswire Collective, ModernWitch Podcast and Patheos.com, among others. He said it was important to reach out to voters that fall outside the Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths, and slammed his own party for being too beholden to the Christian right.

“I think the world looks down on Republicans for their socially conservative views, which includes religion in government,” Johnson said. “I think that should not play a role in any of this. When Republicans talk about values — you know what? I bet you and I have the same values.”

[The Hill]

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  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    finally someone with the courage to combat the War On Solstice.

    I'm in!

    • SorosBot

      He's gonna put the Saturn back in Saturnalia!

      • Michele_Blachmann

        I'm down wit' dat.

      • bagofmice

        Io!

    • OC_Surf_Serf

      Well, last Solstice I only got a sweater. I asked for a moaner or screamer…

      • Michele_Blachmann

        Such a bad little kitty, you are!

  • DrunkIrishman

    Beautiful, drifting Gypsy man, collecting empty soda cans. He whispered, "Atlantis is not far away, just travel on a manta ray."

  • BarackMyWorld

    Is there another Republican debate tonight?

    Is anyone besides "The Daily Show" writing staff still paying attention at this point?

  • SexySmurf

    Gary Johnson is trying to get the Pagan vote? The Hells Angels are going to be pissed.

  • Callyson

    As Homer Simpson said, "God bless those pagans."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Oh, man! What a flashback! I can just hear that coin drop on the crash cymbal.

  • metamarcisf

    Gary Johnson – Sonny Barger 2012.

  • Indiepalin

    There is a sizable voting block of Druids that have to be encouraged by this development.

  • hagajim

    Is this guy related to T-Paw…because I've never heard of him.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Johnson must have a confuzed. Possibly he misheard this "Jesus-Wean" that's the hot new thing?

  • edgydrifter

    It's hard to croak out more than a grim chuckle when you consider why Gary Johnson is the most laughed-at Republican candidate.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      I can't imagine that he would be, when the other candidates offer such a wealth of material to work with.

      Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot we were talking about REPUBLICANS.

    • Come here a minute

      Beowulf?

  • SexySmurf

    You know who else used ancient European occult practices to gain political power (According to every documentary on the History Channel)?

    • Indiepalin

      Ty Cobb?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Mistah Kurtz?

    • Not_So_Much

      Putin's Hairless Chest?

      • Michele_Blachmann

        I don't care what anyone else says, Vladi is hella sexay.

        But Barack is sexier.

    • Chichikovovich

      Sigrid the Haughty? Svejn Forkbeard?

    • RadioOcupados

      Obama?

    • Chichikovovich

      Macbeth?

    • SorosBot

      Gaius Octavian Caesar, Filius Divus Julius?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Robert Plant?

    • Michele_Blachmann

      This one just HAS to be Hitler. I'm going with Hitler.

      What do I win?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Dick Cheney? Or Hitler. Six of one….

    • Negropolis

      ETs?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Jesus Ween?

    • glamourdammerung

      Joey Ratzinger?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Getafix?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Johnson–O'Donnell '12!!!!111!!!

    • PocketsTheClown

      Yay! Campaign launches this Halloween!

      Er, shouldn't somebody throw a cat or something?

      • Michele_Blachmann

        NO! You're not supposed to throw cats, they're sacred. However, you can certainly throw a Bush, if you're so inclined. There's rumours that Christine might have one that meets, so to speak, the need.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm not a witch! I'm a rather hairy ladybug.

      • Michele_Blachmann

        The silly bitch shoulda stuck to ladybugging, instead of lady-bugging. She was kinda cute, in a stupid sort of way.

    • Negropolis

      Christine-not-Rosie-or-Chris-or-Lawrence!!!11!!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Which witch is which though?

  • nounverb911

    Gary Johnson? He's Arte's son?

  • hebmskebm

    GOP Debate Organizers: Hey Mittens! Hey Frothy! Come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry, not you, Gary.

    Gary Johnson: Why not?

    [GOP points to sign, "No Libertarians Club"]

    Gary Johnson: But you let in Ron Paul.

    GOP Debate Organizers: It says no libertarians. We're allowed to have one.

    Ron Paul: Hyuck Hyuck!

  • Extemporanus

    In related news, Newt just released an "It Gets Better" video.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Newt would NEVER do that, unless there are signs that it gets better FOR NEWT.

  • Schmannnity

    HE'S A WITCH! BURN HIM!!!!

    • Not_So_Much

      Only one way to know for sure — we'll need our largest scales and a duck.

      • Schmannnity

        Not a chance. Even Dark Ages science has no place in the Republican Party.

        • OC_Surf_Serf_+OWS

          Alchemy is approved…they would love to turn everything into gold

          • Michele_Blachmann

            Given their undisputed talent for turning everything into shit, they need to exercise a little caution.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      He must be. He turned Boehner orange! He also truned Bachman into a human being, but she got better.

      • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

        At least he's not a Newt.

      • Michele_Blachmann

        I wouldn't call her current state "better."

  • elviouslyqueer

    Gary's not a witch. He's… who?

    • nounverb911
      • Michele_Blachmann

        Your link does not work. I R crushed.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Another uplifting plank in the Johnson platform.

    Now a word from our sponsor.

  • Guppy06

    I've known Wiccans.

    None of them have struck me as the Republican type.

    • SorosBot

      From my experience, they're mostly a bunch of lesbian or bi hippie chicks; not exactly the Republican base no.

      • Guppy06

        "they're mostly a bunch of lesbian or bi hippie chicks;"

        Now you're just making me nostalgic.

    • glamourdammerung

      I have have the "pleasure" of meeting more than a few of the Asatru types and they tend to be in the "I am not a Nazi, I just happen to masturbate to my signed copy of 'Mein Kampf'"/Paultard crowd.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's a long-neglected Republican demographic right there — I'm sure if Gary Johnson picks up some momentum he can combine the pagan vote with the Republican atheists, science teachers, artists and hackey-sackers and suddenly turn into a force to be reckoned with.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I think there may be some overlap with Greater Paultardia.

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Oh, yeah, all twelve of them.

    • mumbly_joe

      Funny story: two of my best friends are a pagan science teacher and her quasi-libertarian online poker-player boyfriend.

      Pretty sure they're both voting for Obama, though. Sorry Gary!

  • RadioOcupados

    He still be hatin' on those atheists though.

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Everyone knows atheists have NO MORALS because they didn't go to Sunday school.

      • SorosBot

        But what about us atheists who did go to Sunday school? Along with attending Catholic school, getting it from both sides of the Reformation.

        • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

          Get over and comment on the Duh-baits, man!

        • Michele_Blachmann

          Not you TOO! ZOMFG.

          And here I thought I was the ONLY atheist ever who went to a Baptist Sunday school on weekends and to a Roman Catholic school on weekdays!

          • SorosBot

            Lutheran Sunday school here, but yes to both. My mom's a Lutheran, while dad's an agnostic who taught (retired after last June) at an expensive private Catholic school that me & my brother went to for free.

          • Michele_Blachmann

            Thank god, we're not twins separated at birth. My father was an atheist and my mother was an Orthodox. Why they sent us to a fucking Baptist Sunday school and a Catholic school is completely beyond me. But there ya go. They've always been crazy.

        • Negropolis

          Heh. You said "both sides". Heh.

      • Michele_Blachmann

        I WENT!!! It's not my fault I couldn't stay awake.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Pagans can't eat cheese or eggs.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Except Egg McMuffins, which are neither

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Well, they *can,* if they try.

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      What about Mormons?

      • PocketsTheClown

        Delicious.

      • Michele_Blachmann

        It's a little difficult getting them down.

  • poncho_pilot

    "because, eh, there can be ONLY ONE TRUE libertarian in the race"

    needs more beheading and lightening. this might inspire:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qx4dFzKTys

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Thank you. Whom would you like beheaded and lightened first?

      • poncho_pilot

        bring me the head of John the Baptist.

        oh. wait.

        wrong story. (and bad spelling on my part. oops!)

        • Michele_Blachmann

          I can bring you this one.

          What bad spelling? A human head weighs roughly 7 lb. Anyone losing theirs will *definitely* be lightened.

          • poncho_pilot

            Alfredo Garcia? is that when instead of fettuccine, you use rice?

  • dogscantlookup

    Good Evening, Pagans.
    Don't forget your goat leggings!

  • SorosBot

    Getting the pagan gods on his side could be a shrewd move by Johnson; let's face it, Hercules or Thor could kick Jesus' ass any day of the week, and he'd just stand there and turn the other cheek.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Johnson seems to be using the same strategy as this current candidate for mayor of San Francisco (it's his reply to the question: "What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?").

    Paul Currier:
    "I was naked at school and it was recess and everyone saw me. It used to happen over and over in my dream. (smile) In real life? When I got caught for shoplifting at age five in a drug store. I peed in my pants. My arrest by the Drug Enforcement Administration for manufacturing and distribution of four to eight times more LSD that Owsley was not nearly so embarrassing. That happened on May 19th, 1986. I did not pee in my pants then. Oh well. From purple micro-dots, thru lots of blotter, windowpane, clearlight and my signature purple pyramid gells, I guess I did make a lot of Acid. That was then and this is now. I have not had the naked dream in decades. I also have not made any more Acid."

    • Michele_Blachmann

      In his defense, he must have had a good working knowledge of SCIENCE to manufacture acid. No?

  • glamourdammerung

    All the unicorn chasers I know are Paultards. But of course, there is an overlap between some of these pagan groups and white supremacists and well, we all know who their favored candidate is by now.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Is this another Hitler thread?

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    If Big Debate had allowed this guy in, everybody'd be talking about him instead of John Huntsman.

    No, wait — nobody's talking about the Huntsguy. So why isn't Johnson invited?

  • mavenmaven

    Hey, don't discount the growing Buddhist vote! Perhaps he's turning Japanese!

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Sauron Angle thinks he could be Asian.

      • Negropolis

        LOL!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I read that as " Planning to win One Pagan Vote".

  • MiniMencken

    Shango angry, Mister Johnson. Gonna make plenty big wahalla for you now. Why you ignore Shango?

    • Michele_Blachmann

      Mongo only pawn in game of life.

  • Schmannnity

    And then [in best Howard Dean shout] we're going to Florida for the Santeria, Voodoo and Rastafarian vote.

  • Michele_Blachmann

    Eww, yes, they'll be spooging and splooging all OVER each other tonight.

  • Michele_Blachmann

    It's an S/I blend with plenty of painkilling properties.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Right because see Kirsten, agnostics like myself never enter into your view. Thanks again for this shit you keep shoveling us. According to YOU, now I am officially a pagan. So sweet, you cunt.

  • Come here a minute

    Of course Pagans have the same values as Gary Johnson: GOLD!

  • Negropolis

    “I think that should not play a role in any of this. When Republicans talk about values — you know what? I bet you and I have the same values.”

    He's a witch! Burn him!

    What a freaky-deak. I'll have what he's having…but only a trace amount lest I want to be totally dislocated from reality forever.

    • DahBoner

      "I bet you and I have the same values."

      You lose, Johnson…

  • DashboardBuddha

    So…not only do the republicans have the Log Cabin Conservatives, they now have the Gingerbread Cottage Conservatives?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Don't forget the Uncle Tom's cabin conservatives – Herman Cain, Clarence Thomas, that Adam West guy down in Florida…

  • DahBoner

    "That foreign aid makes Israel dependent on us."

    And here in America, we like Our Jews to make us dependent on them.

    He who has the Gold Man Sacks, makes dah rulez, babeeeeee….

  • DashboardBuddha

    I have to wonder about folks like Gary. He must know he doesn't have a Pebber Nodder's chance in Asgard of winning. Does he posses some monstrously delusional ego, or is he just doing it for the larfs?

  • ttommyunger

    Well, at least he doesn't beg the question: "What the fuck is this guy smoking?" Everything, Katie.

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    Seen around the Econ department at George Mason University (notoriously neoliberal and wingnutty): adverts for LIBERTY and GARY JOHNSON. I guess *someone* likes the guy. Analogy: Johnson is to Ron Paul as… ___________________

  • rickmaci

    Somebody needs to check the Kool-Aid being served at Republitard gatherings. Either that or Obama has hired somebody to cast voodoo spells on the Republicans. He could well end up being the most unpopular man ever elected president simply because his opposition appears to be a bunch of whack jobs in need of serious medication and/or really bizarre weirdos.

  • Ducksworthy

    There is only one Republican value and it is denominated in $$$$$.

  • gizdal

    johnson will get the marijuana vote- a majority of americans now believe we should legalize marijuana, and there's his really constituency. win it, johnson, and let us have free weed.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    P.eople A.gainst G.oodness A.nd N.ormalcy