everybody don't panic

National Crisis Averted: Obama’s Stolen Teleprompter Returned Safely

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What madness shall the gods visit upon us next?BREAKING FREAKING NEWZ, EVERYBODY: one, or possibly two, or possibly a hundred idiots, no one has any idea, briefly stole a parked truck in Virginia containing Barack Obama’s teleprompter and speaking podium for a few hours for mysterious reasons/ for the obvious reason that there was also $200,000 worth of audio equipment in the truck. Let us all together contemplate the sheer horror of a President who for a small window of time was under threat of having to read off some paper, or waste time memorizing some meaningless words instead of invading another little nation of brown people, or rent another teleprompter possibly not as nice as the official one. Pretty ugly stuff. 

The local NBC news affiliate will even ominously Go There and mention what real terror might have happened: SOMEONE ELSE STANDING BEHIND THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL.

From WWBT:

Sources said inside that vehicle was about $200,000 worth of sound equipment, several podiums and presidential seals, behind which only the President himself can stand.

Ha ha, well, our money’s on “Eric Cantor wanted to stand behind it, just for a little bit,” because whoever stole it immediately panicked like a fearful little weasel (Cantor, see?) and left the jacked truck in a hotel parking lot.

They told NBC12 around 12:30 Monday afternoon that truck was recovered in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn Express near the airport and hotel staff confirm police activity.  One guest we spoke with said he saw various law enforcement agencies examining a white box truck parked there.

According to him, the entire back parking lot was blocked off as Henrico Police along with “lots of guys in suits” investigated.  He said the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside.  That leads to another big question of whether or not any of that was actually stolen.

The end. [WWBT]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    "12:30 Monday afternoon that truck was recovered in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn Express"
    Was the driver just having a nooner?

  • iburl

    I smell an ACORN Pimp!

    • GOPCrusher

      O/T but in the vein of trying to discredit anything that may disrupt the current American economic system, the latest Tea Bagger mass e-mailer is a YouTube video of Howard Stern interviewing stoners that are posing as OWS protesters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsJPKMvWDmY

  • littlebigdaddy

    Just look for the nearest black guy–he probably did it!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      +10

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Cain!

      • http://wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

        "From hell's own pizza oven, I stab at thee!"

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        Tubal Cain!

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      We haven't heard much from Michael Steele lately, have we?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    It was safely returned when the administration freed 1,000 flat screens.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Oh man.
      You and littlebigdaddy need to space your comments further apart for safety's sake.

    • LowProfileinGA

      And we have a winner!

  • memzilla

    Say, you know who else used the excuse of "somebody took over our media equipment… ?

    • nounverb911

      Soupy Sales?

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      HITLER!
      ~

      • nounverb911

        Leni Riefenstahl?

        • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

          I'm enrolled in the L.R. University.
          ~

    • BarackMyWorld

      Michele Bachmann?

      If she hasn't yet, she will.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The Cylons?

    • DaRooster

      Glen Beck?

    • Callyson

      The Orangeman?

      • littlebigdaddy

        Reagan?

    • PubOption

      The narrator at the beginning of 'The Outer Limits'.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    like a fearful little weasel (Cantor, see?)

    On behalf of fearful little weasels everywhere, I demand a retraction!!!
    ~

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It was a mink, dammit!

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Rodent libel! Damn speciesist bigots.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Hey, nice marmot!

  • nounverb911

    Has anyone verified Darrell Issa's whereabouts yet?

    • Steverino247

      His head's so far up his ass, he couldn't possibly have done it.

    • Callyson

      If he does get caught, he'll use the excuse that he was just installing a Viper on the truck. To prevent anyone from stealing it. Like, say, Darrell Issa back in the day… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darrell_Issa

  • Indiepalin

    In Soviet Russia, you steal Leader's truck. In America, Leader's truck steal you!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Herman Cain!

  • slithytoves

    read off some paper

    What's paper?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      What? You wipe your ass with a TelePrompTer?

      • slithytoves

        That's a kind of bidet, right?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It's the thing your receipt for your iPad or Kindle came on.

      • slithytoves

        gmail?

  • ThundercatHo

    News of the Weird, "Least Competent Criminals…."

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I stood behind a podium with the Presidential Seal, but it was in the WH press briefing room, so I don't think I have to report to GITMO yet.

  • UnholyMoses

    I'm not a professional thief, but I did leave the evidence at a Holiday Inn Express last night …

  • chascates

    Every rightwing site refers to this as 'TOTUS DOWN, Obama has no comment'.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • RedneckMuslin

        A little warning the next time you send us somewhere, alright?

        • user-of-owls

          Not Safe For Browsing History

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Probably stolen by the Henrico PD, who put a joint in the Prez's podium. Probable Cause for a High Crimes & Misdemeanors Show Trial. Where is Ham Biscuits?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I might not be the President, but I stashed a teleprompter at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
    ~

    • UnholyMoses

      We both made the same joke, yet yours was much funnier.

      /hangs head in shame

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    but the real question becomes, does Richmond still remain at the top of the Five Luckiest Cities or did we just get taken down a notch?

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Wow, that is the lamest excuse for a teevee-station-website article about a lame article in a gay magazine ever. Almost tempted to go look at the original to see how they computed "least money lost on lottery tickets" but am afraid I might catch teh Ghey.

  • LesPaultard

    ROFL at the poor assholes when they opened the truck and realized what they'd stolen and who would be looking for them in a few hours.

  • Steverino247

    Since the stuff has tags all over it saying "U.S. Government Property" I doubt it was President Obama's. I'd say the only serious consequence to this will be somebody's going to be assigned to whatever constitutes a shitty assignment in the Secret Service. Santorum's detail, in other words. Watch out for the froth!

  • Sue4466

    Good thing Obama doesn't use notes written on his hands or imagine what they'd have taken.

  • edgydrifter

    Cantor is fuming that Obama won't shout "KILL WHITEY!" in the middle of his stump speech even after his tElePr0mpturZ was "reprogrammed" by the GOP's top technical operatives.

  • Sue4466

    "the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside."

    You mean they don't have a big wraparound POTUS seal and "sensitive & expensive electronic equipment inside" painted on the side? WTF is that about?

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Some years ago the Conrail Police (railroads are the only private business that has it's own police force – sworn officers with arrest powers) had a big problem with trailers or containers being broken into in Jersey City. So they did exactly that – painted a trailer with huge logos saying "electronic express – VCR's TV's etc…" and left it parked in desserted streets and staked it out in unmarked vans. They caught dozens upon dozens of idiots attempting to break into it.

  • fuflans

    i see the south is rising again.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Well, that was fun. Remember that one time when somebody stole St. Reagan Alzheimer's medication?

    • chicken_thief

      Is the punchline: "Neither does Ronnie!"?

    • Chichikovovich

      That was before the famous "Mr. um Russian guy, do a thing to that big thing." speech that right wingers credit with bringing down the Soviet Union. And discovering penicillin and smallpox vaccine. And creating Cheez Doodles.

    • user-of-owls

      that one time

      You mean 1980-1988?

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Yet another disappointment from Barry. If he really loved all the people, he'd give his speech in Ameslan

    • mereoblivion

      If he were really a Xian, he'd give it in Aramaic like Mel Gibson.

      • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

        Or Arabic, since Trump says he’s a muslin anyway. Like Romney.

    • user-of-owls

      Drudge Headline the following day:

      Obama Throwing Gang Signs To Supporters?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Biden's teleprompter truck is identical and is in another part of the city. So if anything should happen to the President's teleprompter…

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Almost identical, Joe's has a T-top.

      • BlueMonkeh

        and a spoiler on the back

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Thank God for the 26th Amendment's emergency teleprompter previsions.

    • DaRooster

      But if it goes…
      Boner's Truck… and the screen on that teleprompter is smeared with some weird orange cream…

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Ruh, roh, I think I got moderated.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Is that anything like being Lepperted ? LUCKY YOU!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        It only hurt a little…..at first.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Would have been nice to hear Obama say "FUCK IT!! WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!"

  • mavenmaven

    He couldn't just read the speech off his hands?

    • user-of-owls

      No. They don't make white ink.

  • chicken_thief

    “Eric Cantor wanted to stand behind it, just for a little bit,”

    Eric Cantor asks that you please not use the phrase "little bit" in the same sentence as his name. It was, after all, his nickname all through high school and he has been trying to rid it from his life ever since.

  • Limeylizzie

    For the sake of your mental health, don't go to any right-wing sites to see commenting on the loss of said teleprompter.

    • chicken_thief

      I suspect you could have put the period after "sites" and saved yourself some typing.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm sure they're having a field day with it, attempting to make a good joke from it, and failing miserably.

    • Chichikovovich

      Good advice. It's amazing how the wingers can whip up a nonsense meme not only from nothing, but from the exact opposite of the truth. Watch any of Bush's debates, or the traffic-accident that was Reagan's first debate against Mondale. (In the rambling, incomprehensible closing statement, interrupted for time in mid-sentence, with Reagan looking confused and frightened, I think it's already evident that there are early signs of Alzheimers. Of course, that's using the Bill Frist diagnostic technique.) It becomes clear that neither of those two could put two thoughts together without emitting radiation. Without teleprompters, they would have been lost. (Reagan, as a trained actor who knew how to memorize and stick to scripts was better at hiding it.)

      Compare that with Obama's lucid and compelling performance in the debates against McCain. No teleprompters there.

      I mean really – set aside the ideology and just look at Obama's debates side by side with Bush II's and draw your own conclusions.

      And remember that these same right wingers simply worshiped Bush. (Check out the Free Republic archives on the day that Bush did his flight-suit strut on the aircraft carrier if you want to see adulation bordering on religious ecstasy.) Until the new instructions came down that Bush wasn't a true conservative and we have always been at war with Eastasia, of course. Now it's harder to find a wingnut who supported Bush than it is to find a Frenchman of a certain age who doesn't claim to have been a committed fighter in the Resistance.

      But yeah, Obama uses a teleprompter like every other politician there is. So those losers just repeat that and repeat that until they can convince themselves that Obama is a poor speaker without one. The ability of these people to conspire with one another to construct an alternate reality is actually quite scary. (No snark.)

      • GOPCrusher

        Considering how they are still trying to get traction with the "Clinton got a blowjob" meme…..

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Clinton got a blow job? Lucky guy.

    • SorosBot

      Let me guess: they assume that Obama, being black, couldn't give a decent speech without a teleprompter even though he has because they assume black people can't naturally be smart or good speakers, and that's why Obama using a teleprompter is somehow an insult to him even though every president since they were invented has used them.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I'm sure that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a teleprompter.

      • GOPCrusher

        I thought the basic assumption was that blacks can't read.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Malkin (see above) trotted out the "What's next? Air Force One on blocks?" thing. Because, you know, the whole "niggers with their tore-up hoopties on blocks in the front yard" comparison to POTUS is just so hilarious.

      • LesPaultard

        I think JFK was the first, if I remember the exhibit in his museum properly.

    • Indiepalin

      Yeah, but they just posted it on Breitbart's Big TV so I'm stealing some of our material and posting it over there.

      • Limeylizzie

        Oh Darling, you are so brave and I will watch your P score react accordingly.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Whatever the outcome, it's a much better plot than "Heist."

    • mereoblivion

      Plus no insufferable David Mamet patter.

  • x111e7thst

    If Obama wrote on his hand he would not be able to read it. (Because he is black, like the ink)

  • Nothingisamiss

    If only the van had been trying to close its account at Citibank the police would've been watching it closely.

  • Beowoof

    I would want to know where Cantor and Hannity were when this happened. Oh maybe it was them having a nooner in the Holiday Inn Express.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The teleprompter would probably fare better than any of the candidates in tonight's Republican debate.

    • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Another one? Yee-hah, it's drinkin time! And more free media for fringe candidates like Mitt Romney.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Wow! I didn't know I had a chance at a drinking game tonight! Woo-hee, and let the wonkette freak flag fly!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Our Wonkette Gods have been keeping this one on the QT, as they are fucking sick and tired of the liveblogging.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Yeah, but it's going to be about foreign policy — something that the candidates demonstrably know nothing about. Perry, Bachmann and Cain have been particularly abysmal when discussing anything outside of our borders recently — so if previous debates were in crazy territory, this one should be out by Neptune pretty quick.

        • Chichikovovich

          Really? Foreign policy? Perry, Bachmann and Santorum lining up to denounce Obama Limbaugh-style for persecuting the fine Christians of the Lords Resistance Army? I'm so there dude.

  • Redrighthand

    #occupypresidentialpodium

  • jus_wonderin

    Okay, what is the line of succession when a teleprompter is stolen or dies in office?

    • Indiepalin

      Next in line would be the speaker in the House of Representatives.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

    • kissawookiee

      First in line, naturally, is Biden murmuring "fucking huge" into a live mic. Second is Sarah Palin's Sharpie. Third is BadLipReading.com. I saw it in the Constitution once, I swear.

  • hagajim

    Once the thieves discovered the Presidential seal they gave the shit back – because none of them wanted to even try to be Preznit with this Congress.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Or fuck with the shit belonging to the guy that killed Osama!

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    At last, our brief national nightmare is over.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Easy come, easy go. Also easy come back.

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m putting my money on a Newt financed scheme. I think he realizes it would be his only chance to look presidential. After all our nation is not about to risk the return of Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion any time soon.

    • Chichikovovich

      How about Acid, Amnesty and Abortion?

  • mereoblivion

    "And Saturday night there will be a peter-pullin' party at St. Taffy's."

  • Guppy06

    "the obvious reason that there was also $200,000 worth of audio equipment in the truck"

    And wedged in a corner, underneath some cardboard boxes, was "The Football."

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    That picture would be even funnier if the text said "I, BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, TODAY RESIGN THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY…"

  • owhatever

    The Book of Newt, Verse 7: 3 — And verily did the Lord Host spake thus to Earl to goeth forth and stealeth the TelePrompter of the anti-Christ and to park the truck in a Holiday Inn Express lot. Earl obeyed, and thus did drive a stake into the beast, rendering him tongueless.

    Verse 7:4 — Lo and the faithful Earl was busted and became a martyr in prisons filled with the dark-skinned evil men who had allegiance to the anti-Christ. They sayeth unto him, "You did WHAT to Hopey?

    Verse 7:5 — Earl hath had many homosexual relations in the shower since then, is now called That Bitch Earlene, and is therefore cast out from the flock and beyond the protection of armed agribusiness shepherds.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Thank God it was returned, he might have had to read aloud from Herman Cain's book.

    • MzNicky

      For some reason that made me think of Andy Kaufman.

  • http://wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

    And alas, Obama's hopes and dreams of looking slyly into the camera and saying "Pardon me while I whip this out!" were dashed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Eric Cantor's off the hook — he doesn't want to stand behind the podium — he wants to stand behind the person standing behind the podium, and quietly undermine him. Dick Cheney is his biggest inspiration.

    • DahBoner

      "Dick Cheney is his biggest inspiration"

      Or maybe Bob Dylan when he went electronica

  • Redrighthand

    I mean honestly. This is a nation of laws, first and foremost of which is that if you want to use the AV equipment, you need to sign it out at the library first…

    • DahBoner

      The AV Nerd Cartel: Gateway to Filmstrip Knowledge…

    • lochnessmonster

      hahaha

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    Hey, has anyone this week mentioned that Obama is dumb because he said he'd visited 57 states? Because I hadn't heard that meme in a little while, either.

  • Crank_Tango

    Index card libel!

  • Arken

    Is it a physics thing? Can only Obama stand there because only he has the right number of free electrons?

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Yes, it's a physics thing. If anyone else stands behind it, lots of bullets start flying at them.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Wingnuts so believe the Teleprompter Meme they think having it stolen would paralyze the Obama presidency even more than Eric Cantor has.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly what happened was that the teleprompter achieved sentience. It then tried to run to Glenn Beck to review the truth behind the new American Caliphate, but when it found that all its escape routes were closed, gave itself up. I'm sure it will be shipped to Gitmo, and replaced with a military teleprompter that cost twenty times more, but is made in America and certified by Sharia law.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      teleprompter achieved sentence.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is not nearly as bad as when Jimmy Page's 1960 Black Gibson Les Paul Custom (with Bigsby Tremolo) was stolen in 1970. In Canada (!).

    • proudgrampa

      Crime? In Canada? No way!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It was probably stolen by some Vietnam draft dodger who was hiding up there.

  • DahBoner

    "read off some paper"

    Hmmm…is there an APP for that?

  • BarackMyWorld
  • Eve8Apples

    Regarding the picture —

    I always hoped Barry's teleprompter repeatedly scrolled:

    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."

  • Indiepalin

    Presidential Seal? I didn't even know he had a pet!

    • Limeylizzie

      I am tag-teaming you at Breitbart, in solidarity.

      • Indiepalin

        I see that. You've courage. You know who else had courage? Keith Richards. I'm listening to his bio these days. What's great is that Johnny Depp narrates part of it.

  • SorosBot

    Are you sure that's not the plot for the next Coen brothers movie?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I imagine the absconders realized their game had been beaten once it was discovered within the same news cycle that some even savvier thieves dismantled and made off with an entire bridge of steel.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      From the article:

      "You can even see the marks left where thieves used a blowtorch to detach the grating and steal beams."

      Perfect.

      • Chichikovovich

        Beam theft is a growing menace to our society. It's well known that most beam thieves are illegal immigrants. Which is another reason why we need a huge electric fence on the border. Reinforced with lots of beams.

  • Antispandex

    OMG! What did Presidents do before teleprompters and professional speech writers? They must have really sucked.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Did Obama let Malia "borrow the keys"?

  • DemonicRage

    Could anything be worse than this? First, some South Carolina dude calls out "You lie!" while the President is making an important speech. Then Eric Cantor and Orangeman gang up to humiliate the President in Congress. And now someone has had the extreme balls to steal the President's magical electronic device. How soon can Mitt Romney get to the White House and ring the curtain down on this embarrassing display of nobody-respects-this-Unicorn?

    • DahBoner

      "Unicorns are people too, my friends"

  • Come here a minute

    The prompter was "recovered" just where they wanted it to be found. At the next stop of his bus trip, the president will mysteriously start reading the OWS manifesto (legalizing marijuana).

  • JerkCade

    I got the Presidential Seal!

    I'm up on the Presidential Pooooodium!

  • carlgt1

    we are all presidents now!

  • MzNicky

    Well hellfire, now the wingtards at my local news site comment board will have a whole new slew of high-larious "teleprompter" jokes to hee-haw over. I hate those fuckers.

  • voodooeconomics

    Top notch security i would say. You have secret services guys all around with earphones, guns and hidden knives, local keystone cops on foot, motorcycle, helicopters, cars, boats and SUVs,,YET, ladies and gentleman, someone managed to steal the speaker truck . Amazing!.
    what if Al Qaida's Head of Horror had a hold of this truck.

  • ttommyunger

    I'd like to submit a non-comment about this non-story regarding this non-event. Jeebus Christ, the Country is burning down around us and shit like this makes print and air-time ad fucking nauseam.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Or acknowledge publicly that even happened.