everybody don't panic

National Crisis Averted: Obama’s Stolen Teleprompter Returned Safely

What madness shall the gods visit upon us next?BREAKING FREAKING NEWZ, EVERYBODY: one, or possibly two, or possibly a hundred idiots, no one has any idea, briefly stole a parked truck in Virginia containing Barack Obama’s teleprompter and speaking podium for a few hours for mysterious reasons/ for the obvious reason that there was also $200,000 worth of audio equipment in the truck. Let us all together contemplate the sheer horror of a President who for a small window of time was under threat of having to read off some paper, or waste time memorizing some meaningless words instead of invading another little nation of brown people, or rent another teleprompter possibly not as nice as the official one. Pretty ugly stuff. 

The local NBC news affiliate will even ominously Go There and mention what real terror might have happened: SOMEONE ELSE STANDING BEHIND THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL.

From WWBT:

Sources said inside that vehicle was about $200,000 worth of sound equipment, several podiums and presidential seals, behind which only the President himself can stand.

Ha ha, well, our money’s on “Eric Cantor wanted to stand behind it, just for a little bit,” because whoever stole it immediately panicked like a fearful little weasel (Cantor, see?) and left the jacked truck in a hotel parking lot.

They told NBC12 around 12:30 Monday afternoon that truck was recovered in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn Express near the airport and hotel staff confirm police activity.  One guest we spoke with said he saw various law enforcement agencies examining a white box truck parked there.

According to him, the entire back parking lot was blocked off as Henrico Police along with “lots of guys in suits” investigated.  He said the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside.  That leads to another big question of whether or not any of that was actually stolen.

The end. [WWBT]

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  1. nounverb911

    "12:30 Monday afternoon that truck was recovered in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn Express"
    Was the driver just having a nooner?

  2. GunToting[Redacted]

    I stood behind a podium with the Presidential Seal, but it was in the WH press briefing room, so I don't think I have to report to GITMO yet.

  3. UnholyMoses

    I'm not a professional thief, but I did leave the evidence at a Holiday Inn Express last night …

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    Probably stolen by the Henrico PD, who put a joint in the Prez's podium. Probable Cause for a High Crimes & Misdemeanors Show Trial. Where is Ham Biscuits?

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Wow, that is the lamest excuse for a teevee-station-website article about a lame article in a gay magazine ever. Almost tempted to go look at the original to see how they computed "least money lost on lottery tickets" but am afraid I might catch teh Ghey.

  5. LesPaultard

    ROFL at the poor assholes when they opened the truck and realized what they'd stolen and who would be looking for them in a few hours.

  6. Steverino247

    Since the stuff has tags all over it saying "U.S. Government Property" I doubt it was President Obama's. I'd say the only serious consequence to this will be somebody's going to be assigned to whatever constitutes a shitty assignment in the Secret Service. Santorum's detail, in other words. Watch out for the froth!

  7. edgydrifter

    Cantor is fuming that Obama won't shout "KILL WHITEY!" in the middle of his stump speech even after his tElePr0mpturZ was "reprogrammed" by the GOP's top technical operatives.

  8. Sue4466

    "the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside."

    You mean they don't have a big wraparound POTUS seal and "sensitive & expensive electronic equipment inside" painted on the side? WTF is that about?

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Some years ago the Conrail Police (railroads are the only private business that has it's own police force – sworn officers with arrest powers) had a big problem with trailers or containers being broken into in Jersey City. So they did exactly that – painted a trailer with huge logos saying "electronic express – VCR's TV's etc…" and left it parked in desserted streets and staked it out in unmarked vans. They caught dozens upon dozens of idiots attempting to break into it.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That was before the famous "Mr. um Russian guy, do a thing to that big thing." speech that right wingers credit with bringing down the Soviet Union. And discovering penicillin and smallpox vaccine. And creating Cheez Doodles.

  9. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Yet another disappointment from Barry. If he really loved all the people, he'd give his speech in Ameslan

    1. DaRooster

      But if it goes…
      Boner's Truck… and the screen on that teleprompter is smeared with some weird orange cream…

  10. chicken_thief

    “Eric Cantor wanted to stand behind it, just for a little bit,”

    Eric Cantor asks that you please not use the phrase "little bit" in the same sentence as his name. It was, after all, his nickname all through high school and he has been trying to rid it from his life ever since.

  11. Limeylizzie

    For the sake of your mental health, don't go to any right-wing sites to see commenting on the loss of said teleprompter.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm sure they're having a field day with it, attempting to make a good joke from it, and failing miserably.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Good advice. It's amazing how the wingers can whip up a nonsense meme not only from nothing, but from the exact opposite of the truth. Watch any of Bush's debates, or the traffic-accident that was Reagan's first debate against Mondale. (In the rambling, incomprehensible closing statement, interrupted for time in mid-sentence, with Reagan looking confused and frightened, I think it's already evident that there are early signs of Alzheimers. Of course, that's using the Bill Frist diagnostic technique.) It becomes clear that neither of those two could put two thoughts together without emitting radiation. Without teleprompters, they would have been lost. (Reagan, as a trained actor who knew how to memorize and stick to scripts was better at hiding it.)

      Compare that with Obama's lucid and compelling performance in the debates against McCain. No teleprompters there.

      I mean really – set aside the ideology and just look at Obama's debates side by side with Bush II's and draw your own conclusions.

      And remember that these same right wingers simply worshiped Bush. (Check out the Free Republic archives on the day that Bush did his flight-suit strut on the aircraft carrier if you want to see adulation bordering on religious ecstasy.) Until the new instructions came down that Bush wasn't a true conservative and we have always been at war with Eastasia, of course. Now it's harder to find a wingnut who supported Bush than it is to find a Frenchman of a certain age who doesn't claim to have been a committed fighter in the Resistance.

      But yeah, Obama uses a teleprompter like every other politician there is. So those losers just repeat that and repeat that until they can convince themselves that Obama is a poor speaker without one. The ability of these people to conspire with one another to construct an alternate reality is actually quite scary. (No snark.)

      1. GOPCrusher

        Considering how they are still trying to get traction with the "Clinton got a blowjob" meme…..

    3. SorosBot

      Let me guess: they assume that Obama, being black, couldn't give a decent speech without a teleprompter even though he has because they assume black people can't naturally be smart or good speakers, and that's why Obama using a teleprompter is somehow an insult to him even though every president since they were invented has used them.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Malkin (see above) trotted out the "What's next? Air Force One on blocks?" thing. Because, you know, the whole "niggers with their tore-up hoopties on blocks in the front yard" comparison to POTUS is just so hilarious.

    4. Indiepalin

      Yeah, but they just posted it on Breitbart's Big TV so I'm stealing some of our material and posting it over there.

  12. Nothingisamiss

    If only the van had been trying to close its account at Citibank the police would've been watching it closely.

  13. Beowoof

    I would want to know where Cantor and Hannity were when this happened. Oh maybe it was them having a nooner in the Holiday Inn Express.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    The teleprompter would probably fare better than any of the candidates in tonight's Republican debate.

    1. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

      Another one? Yee-hah, it's drinkin time! And more free media for fringe candidates like Mitt Romney.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      Wow! I didn't know I had a chance at a drinking game tonight! Woo-hee, and let the wonkette freak flag fly!

    3. BaldarTFlagass

      Our Wonkette Gods have been keeping this one on the QT, as they are fucking sick and tired of the liveblogging.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Yeah, but it's going to be about foreign policy — something that the candidates demonstrably know nothing about. Perry, Bachmann and Cain have been particularly abysmal when discussing anything outside of our borders recently — so if previous debates were in crazy territory, this one should be out by Neptune pretty quick.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Really? Foreign policy? Perry, Bachmann and Santorum lining up to denounce Obama Limbaugh-style for persecuting the fine Christians of the Lords Resistance Army? I'm so there dude.

    1. kissawookiee

      First in line, naturally, is Biden murmuring "fucking huge" into a live mic. Second is Sarah Palin's Sharpie. Third is BadLipReading.com. I saw it in the Constitution once, I swear.

  15. hagajim

    Once the thieves discovered the Presidential seal they gave the shit back – because none of them wanted to even try to be Preznit with this Congress.

  16. Goonemeritus

    I’m putting my money on a Newt financed scheme. I think he realizes it would be his only chance to look presidential. After all our nation is not about to risk the return of Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion any time soon.

  17. Guppy06

    "the obvious reason that there was also $200,000 worth of audio equipment in the truck"

    And wedged in a corner, underneath some cardboard boxes, was "The Football."

  18. V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    That picture would be even funnier if the text said "I, BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, TODAY RESIGN THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY…"

  19. owhatever

    The Book of Newt, Verse 7: 3 — And verily did the Lord Host spake thus to Earl to goeth forth and stealeth the TelePrompter of the anti-Christ and to park the truck in a Holiday Inn Express lot. Earl obeyed, and thus did drive a stake into the beast, rendering him tongueless.

    Verse 7:4 — Lo and the faithful Earl was busted and became a martyr in prisons filled with the dark-skinned evil men who had allegiance to the anti-Christ. They sayeth unto him, "You did WHAT to Hopey?

    Verse 7:5 — Earl hath had many homosexual relations in the shower since then, is now called That Bitch Earlene, and is therefore cast out from the flock and beyond the protection of armed agribusiness shepherds.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Eric Cantor's off the hook — he doesn't want to stand behind the podium — he wants to stand behind the person standing behind the podium, and quietly undermine him. Dick Cheney is his biggest inspiration.

  21. Redrighthand

    I mean honestly. This is a nation of laws, first and foremost of which is that if you want to use the AV equipment, you need to sign it out at the library first…

  22. Dok-cupy Everything

    Hey, has anyone this week mentioned that Obama is dumb because he said he'd visited 57 states? Because I hadn't heard that meme in a little while, either.

  23. Arken

    Is it a physics thing? Can only Obama stand there because only he has the right number of free electrons?

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly what happened was that the teleprompter achieved sentience. It then tried to run to Glenn Beck to review the truth behind the new American Caliphate, but when it found that all its escape routes were closed, gave itself up. I'm sure it will be shipped to Gitmo, and replaced with a military teleprompter that cost twenty times more, but is made in America and certified by Sharia law.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    This is not nearly as bad as when Jimmy Page's 1960 Black Gibson Les Paul Custom (with Bigsby Tremolo) was stolen in 1970. In Canada (!).

  26. Eve8Apples

    Regarding the picture —

    I always hoped Barry's teleprompter repeatedly scrolled:

    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."
    "John Boner can suck my black cock."

      1. Indiepalin

        I see that. You've courage. You know who else had courage? Keith Richards. I'm listening to his bio these days. What's great is that Johnny Depp narrates part of it.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      From the article:

      "You can even see the marks left where thieves used a blowtorch to detach the grating and steal beams."


      1. Chichikovovich

        Beam theft is a growing menace to our society. It's well known that most beam thieves are illegal immigrants. Which is another reason why we need a huge electric fence on the border. Reinforced with lots of beams.

  27. Antispandex

    OMG! What did Presidents do before teleprompters and professional speech writers? They must have really sucked.

  28. DemonicRage

    Could anything be worse than this? First, some South Carolina dude calls out "You lie!" while the President is making an important speech. Then Eric Cantor and Orangeman gang up to humiliate the President in Congress. And now someone has had the extreme balls to steal the President's magical electronic device. How soon can Mitt Romney get to the White House and ring the curtain down on this embarrassing display of nobody-respects-this-Unicorn?

  29. Come here a minute

    The prompter was "recovered" just where they wanted it to be found. At the next stop of his bus trip, the president will mysteriously start reading the OWS manifesto (legalizing marijuana).

  30. MzNicky

    Well hellfire, now the wingtards at my local news site comment board will have a whole new slew of high-larious "teleprompter" jokes to hee-haw over. I hate those fuckers.

  31. voodooeconomics

    Top notch security i would say. You have secret services guys all around with earphones, guns and hidden knives, local keystone cops on foot, motorcycle, helicopters, cars, boats and SUVs,,YET, ladies and gentleman, someone managed to steal the speaker truck . Amazing!.
    what if Al Qaida's Head of Horror had a hold of this truck.

  32. ttommyunger

    I'd like to submit a non-comment about this non-story regarding this non-event. Jeebus Christ, the Country is burning down around us and shit like this makes print and air-time ad fucking nauseam.

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