National Crisis Averted: Obama's Stolen Teleprompter Returned Safely

BREAKING FREAKING NEWZ, EVERYBODY: one, or possibly two, or possibly a hundred idiots, no one has any idea, briefly stole a parked truck in Virginia containing Barack Obama's teleprompter and speaking podium for a few hours for mysterious reasons/ for the obvious reason that there was also $200,000 worth of audio equipment in the truck. Let us all together contemplate the sheer horror of a President who for a small window of time was under threat of having to read off some paper, or waste time memorizing some meaningless words instead of invading another little nation of brown people, or rent another teleprompter possibly not as nice as the official one. Pretty ugly stuff.

The local NBC news affiliate will even ominously Go There and mention what real terror might have happened: SOMEONE ELSE STANDING BEHIND THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL.

From WWBT:  

Sources said inside that vehicle was about $200,000 worth of sound equipment, several podiums and presidential seals, behind which only the President himself can stand.

Ha ha, well, our money's on "Eric Cantor wanted to stand behind it, just for a little bit," because whoever stole it immediately panicked like a fearful little weasel (Cantor, see?) and left the jacked truck in a hotel parking lot.

They told NBC12 around 12: 30 Monday afternoon that truck was recovered in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn Express near the airport and hotel staff confirm police activity.  One guest we spoke with said he saw various law enforcement agencies examining a white box truck parked there.

According to him, the entire back parking lot was blocked off as Henrico Police along with "lots of guys in suits" investigated.  He said the truck had no markings and no indication anything special was inside.  That leads to another big question of whether or not any of that was actually stolen.

The end. [ WWBT ]