Cheer up, America! You might be spending your evening meal staring down that last half-can of reheated Spaghetti-Os salted with your own tears, but your old corporate person frenemy Citigroup posted a cool 74% increase in earnings this quarter! $3.8 billion! How do they do it? Let’s check the AP report: “more of its customers paid their bills on time, leading to lower losses from loans.” Ha ha, good thing they got their customers to pay their bills BEFORE THEY ARRESTED THEM ALL! That is a very smart business move. Speaking of the arrests, here is an interesting interview the Village Voice did with Citibank protester Marshall Garrett, who spent the weekend in jail listening to undercover cops brag — insanely — about inciting violence among the protesters:

Q: How big was your group?

Garrett: It was about 27, 28 of us. When we got to the bank, we marched in, and clapped, and had a meeting. We had an open forum, and we actually tried to involve the bank employees, if they wished. And a few people talked about student loans and what debt was doing to them as individuals, and what could be changed about that. Unilike a lot of the reports, it was very respectful. We told the employees that we wanted them to keep their jobs and we were respectful. And they asked us to leave.

But legally, we’re allowed to stay until the cops come and say, if you don’t leave you’ll be arrested. But what was unknown to us and to a lot of people that day, including those in Times Square, was that there were undercover cops already there, paid to be disruptive and to be loud. One undercover cop present [at Citi] was louder than the entire group.

Q: How did you know he was an undercover cop?

Garrett: He arrested one of the protestors outside, and slammed her into the wall, and pushed her back into the bank. We all saw him at the precinct with us. He was laughing with the fellow white shirt cops, telling them about what we’d been saying, basically. It was a bit startling how inside their information was – how they were being paid to go to these protests and put us in situations where we’d be arrested and not be able to leave.

[AP/Village Voice]

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  • Doktor StrangeZoom

    Seemed like a pretty nice guy, though. A gent provocateur.

    • user-of-owls

      "Kinda quiet, you know, kept to himself," the neighbor said.

      • GOPCrusher

        Maybe he's related to Jeffrey Dahmer.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Weren't no gent.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Maybe when these police lose their jobs and benefits because of insufficient tax revenue coming in to pay their salaries, they can get low wage jobs as security guards at Citibank branches.

  • Barrelhse

    That jerk must be on a lot of peoples' videos. I wonder if he could be ID'd performing his various roles.

  • LesBontemps

    Paging Allan Pinkerton!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Damn cops are so busy eating donuts and provoking demonstrations that they've forgotten that they are very much in the 99%. If things keep on this way there'll be a lot of applications for private security guards at junk yards.

    • Redrighthand

      The rotweiler will do it for less money. They're shit outa luck…

  • StarsUponThars

    You might say that I'm young
    You might say I'm unlearned
    But there's one thing I know
    Though I'm younger than you
    That even Jesus would never
    Forgive what you do.

    Let me ask you one question
    Is your money that good
    Will it buy you forgiveness
    Do you think that it could
    I think you will find
    When your death takes its toll
    All the money you made
    Will never buy back your soul.

    — Bob Dylan, Masters of War

  • the_problem_child

    Kid should be an investment advisor. He see the train coming on Chase.

  • Dok-cupy Everything

    White Shirt Cop is considering a possible bid for the 2016 Republican nomination, but is torn between the visceral joy of beating heads and the intellectual satisfaction of ordering heads to be beaten.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Wait until Garret learns that the funds transferred out of his account while he was in jail went to a charity that is a terrorist front running guns to Mexico in exchange for drugs to be used to assassinate pro-Western dictators .

  • fuflans

    cops vs citibank.

    douche off.

  • No snark, I grew up in NYC and don't ever remember the NYPD acting this way. Sure one or two cops go out of control from time to time with broom handles, etc… but not this… Really creepy – and makes you think twice about these conspiratorial "financial services industry conducted a coup d'tat back in the 1990's" stuff…

    • Arken

      You'd almost think they were LAPD, which is funny because the LAPD has been pretty lenient on the OWS people who have surrounded city hall.

    • BlueStateLibel

      It's odd too when you think back to the '70s at a time when NYC was virtually bankrupt. All the corporations were moving out to the suburbs, and NYC was begging the federal government for bailout help. The feds said no, but somehow New York came back…

  • V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡

    Time to rethink the definition of "cop," everybody! Instead of "black-clad, garrison-capped, gun-toting, leather-strapped, jackbooted dude riding around in a big car with the windows rolled up," let's think about a job description with words like "community member, social worker, friend and fellow citizen who walks down the streets and says hello to everybody."

    Okay, I know. But a V572 can dream, can't (s)he? The problem comes when you let the incumbents define the job. With politicians, you get whores who take money from vested interests. With cops, you get over-compensating guys with small peens.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Hmmmm. Yeah, makes ya wonder……

    • NewtsUndies

      I am seriously getting tired of the acceptance of the idea that those of us with small male genitals are thugs and insecure! Cut it out! Seriously.

      • Arken

        You sound a little insecure.

        • NewtsUndies

          Not sure an insecure person would flaunt his genital size on a public forum. I, however, would even flaunt my genitals. Aha, sir!

          • Arken

            I still say you sound a little insecure. Have you tried switching from boxers to briefs?

          • NewtsUndies

            You can say it all you like but 'taint so. I am insecure about my taint though.

            I am little but not insecure. Also a founder member of MEMBER (Moderately Endowed Men Behaving Extremely Robustly).

          • NewtsUndies

            I also think large male genitals are just so terribly… gauche… flashy and just a little ostentatious, don't you agree, darling?

          • Arken

            Can't say I'm much of a fan of male genitals for the most part, so…

          • NewtsUndies

            Stop dodging my genitals!

          • Arken

            You just said they were small. How can I help it?

          • NewtsUndies

            True. They're easy to miss, I guess.

            Small but perfectly formed. I wish I'd never got into this. I feel I sound like a pervert.

            I do love Wonkette though. Much more fun than Facebook.

          • Arken

            Personally, I find getting a catheter inserted to be more fun than Facebook.

  • ttommyunger

    "Citigroup Earnings Rise 74%…" Which explains why they must raise all fees.

    • Crank_Tango

      it takes extra people to count all that extra money, natch.

      • ttommyunger

        ShittyBank is a real piece of work.

  • Here's my investment opportunity for the upcoming financial collapse: franchised hobo jungles: designer tents, gourmet hobo beans, FREE WiFi and our special mileage program for frequent freight train hoppers!

    • Callyson

      And I'm still waiting on Thunderbird's IPO, since that's all anyone will be able to afford to drink…and we'll all need to drink if Wall Street drags our economy in the mud (more so) yet again…

  • rambone

    Well, they couldn't justify getting paid double-time if they didn't bust open a couple heads and arrest everyone they could get their piggy hoofs on.

    Cops need criminals. The circle of life . . .

    • flamingpdog

      "Just as every cop is a criminal
      And all the sinners saints;
      As heads is tails just call me Lucifer
      I'm in need of some restraint."

      -Mick Jagger and Keith Richard

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        All these decades and i never knew the third line actually began "As heads is tails…"

        Thanks for sharing.

  • arihaya

    the poor bankers failed to double their profits ! Clearly this is the fault of that socialist muslin commie Nazi Obama !

    impeach !

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      WorldNut Daily has it figured out: The Nazi takeover of America has begun

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Craige Against the Machine!!!"

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Fuck. Thanks for that little excursion into Harry Turtledove's fevered nightmares.

  • TX_Bluebonnets

    The reason the cops, public and private, aren't joining is they believe that by doing what the cool kids want, they'll get to be one of the cool kids.

    They have as much chance as every failed cheerleader ever in any American highschool. Or the same chance as Dave Chappelle of getting into certain country clubs, other than in a menial capacity. Just because they let you work for them, doesn't mean they like you. But the cops and the cheerleader dropouts want to believe–they want to have hope that they, too, can be part of the 1%, as opposed to the great unwashed.

    I hope everyone of the arrestees sets their case for trial, files Motions to Quash, and makes NYC pay for this idiocy. But I'm a Texas lawyer, so I may be using the wrong local jargon.

    Occupy San Antonio had a huge police contingent on Saturday, but many of them were openly friendly. Some nights they have had minor problems, but largely the police have been neutral.

    • Beowoof

      Its not just the cops, the teabaggers all believe the cool kids will let them in the club if they just believe. They have as much chance of getting in that club as they do a ride on the Polar Express.

      • Ducksworthy

        Its true. This is also what keeps the lotteries profitable. An inability to assess odds. Someday, the 53%ers think, I too will be a billionaire. Might be interesting to see what their average math and reasoning scores were on the SAT, but they never took them.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Fuck all that. OWS doesn't pay as much as the payoffs and the OT.

  • TX_Bluebonnets

    Sorry that the above's not funny. Is it time to put the bankers up against the wall yet? Are we at that point in the revolution?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Well, I think the Bush family is probably Hapsburg, since they are so fucking ugly and stupid, and Manet painted a nice, lively picture of the death of Maximilian, so I say go with it!

      • user-of-owls

        That there's an impeccable piece o' logic there, son!

  • Callyson

    The profit report came as the Occupy Wall Street movement entered its second month and spread across the country, targeting large financial institutions like Citi. As of Monday the bank said it had not yet been approached by organizers of the protest following an offer last week from Citigroup's CEO, Vikram Pandit, to meet with them.
    Oh what a good idea, and I know the perfect person who should join OWS:
    In analyst Mike Mayo's view, Citigroup needs to re-do its accounting…
    Mayo argues that Citi is "cooking the books," by wrongly writing off Deferred Tax Assets that legally, should appear nowhere on their books…
    Citi, understandably, hates Mike Mayo for making his argument. Vikram Pandit has apparently shut him out completely. So have other top executives at the firm. And when asked about Mayo, the firm's press rep told Gasparino: I have no comment on Mike Mayo.
    Go for it, OWS!

    • flamingpdog

      Cooking the books, eh? Jesus H. Christ, these sociopaths were crooks before the meltdown and bailout – are we really supposed to believe they got religion since then?1?

  • 102415

    I was there trapped in the ATM space at the front door clutching my pearls when this happened. It wasn't pretty. When they tried to leave (and there were only a few of them when it started and it's a huge branch) they slammed the door on them and everyone else in the bank. The whole thing went to hell very fast. As usual I was assbackwards in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was trying to put money into the bank at the atm when this all happened. It was criminal. Mr.102415 was standing with me and nearly got arrested not saying or doing anything at all. I hate Citibank more than ever now and we are going to have to close out our accounts and it will be a drag but really it was truly shamefully stupid.

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Find a nice credit union. You'll be glad you did.

      (So, when is Fox News going to decide that Credit Unions are also the enemy, if all these hippies are putting their money in 'em? After all, they're UNIONS, so they must be bad…)

      • 102415

        I will have to.

  • CapnFatback

    He was laughing with the fellow white shirt cops

    Uhhhhh, I'd double-check those shirts for tinges of brown.

  • Steverino247

    OK. Next time somebody at one of these "happenings" gets too loud, simply walk up to them and say, "Officer, you can stop now. We know who you are and what you're trying to do." Don't lose eye contact while you do it, either.

  • littlebigdaddy

    PBS ran the OWS as their lead story today. This is after the belated celebratory coverage in the NYT. When the lamestream media move, they all move, like dinosaurs to a water source. The advantage that we Wonketeers have, however long we've been with the program, is irony.

    • Like dinosaurs to a water source, or like the Aspens out in Colorado…

  • hagajim

    Infiltration of the occupados! As Gomer would say…"SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE!"

    • Dok-cupy Everything

      Infiltrators are real. See, this proves that all the racist signs at teabagger rallies actually were carried by leftists.

      In fact, I bet this supposed "cop" was actually a leftist infiltrator on double-secret false-flag duty.

      • Beowoof

        Well then he needs to be put on double secret probation.

        Also, you are attributing organzation skills to the left, that they just don't appear to have.

  • MiniMencken

    As John Updike's main protagonist, Colonel Hakim Félix Ellelloû, observes in his 1978 novel. "The Coup," the USA is a very efficient police state.

  • Negropolis

    Anonymous, Anonymous. Where art thou Anonymous?

  • paris biltong

    An interesting aspect of Citigroup's profit rise is that it's apparently largely the result of an accounting trick, which consists of overstating the value of its assets and understating its debt which, unlike its assets, is "marked to market". What this means is that, since the bank's credit rating is down, its debt is worth only about 90 percent of its face value, never mind the fact that it must repay it in full. In other words, if a bank owes a million dollars but only has a 90-percent chance of paying it back, it's made a 100,000-dollars profit.
    Wish I could say the same thing about myself.

  • BlueStateLibel

    You can always tell the cops by the white donut crumbs encrusting their mouths …not to mention some other stuff…yuck.

    • Beowoof

      Ah yes Koch brothers Santorum would be pretty yuck. Fortunatley it won't show on their brown shirts.

  • baconzgood

    Wacha you gonna do
    Wacha you gonna do
    when they go with you.

  • Not_So_Much

    Very KGB/China-ish. Holy fuckballs Batman…

  • I'm guessing this is one "ripped from the headlines" story we will NOT be seeing on an upcoming episode of Blue Bloods.

  • Big damn difference from Blue Blood's Commissioner Reagan's NYC police department and the real thing, huh?

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    He was laughing with the fellow white shirt cops…

    I think you meant silver shirt cops.

  • Beowoof

    Sneaky accounting tricks. You don't know the half of it. As a CPA I can personally attest to seeing many games played with the numbers that are reported to the public.

  • jus_wonderin

    No snark here. I don't understand this thing about student loans. I didn't have one but if I did I'd just have to go ahead and pay it off. Are some suggesting Loan Amnesty??

    Though, I do understand how beginning your career in debt would be a drag…literally.

  • mumbly_joe

    Well, in a piece of good news, it will soon be perfectly fine and not illegal at all if the supposed-public-servants-cum-Pinkertons patrolling New York's streets start assaulting and torturing random people, as long as they're doing so at the behest of their corporate overlords. Horray for our failed state!

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