WONKETTE ON THE STREET  8:12 pm October 14, 2011

Occupation Dispatch #10, In Which Riley Prepares To Be Cleaned & Beaten

by Riley Waggaman

Hello again! Your #OWS correspondent has returned from a weird, rainy night full of …. cleaning? In the above YouTube movie, we see two park savages frantically trying to sweep away all of the bodily fluids and hypodermic needles that have accumulated over the last few weeks in Zuccotti Park. (Is that soapy water, or “runoff” from the constant finger-bang Groupons that are going on at all hours of the day, according to Sean Hannity? We’ll never know/of course it’s semen!) This OCD cleaning session was part of a malicious and extremely successful plan to make Michael Bloomberg and his billionaire pals looks like complete douchebags — and hooray, it worked! Poor (but actually very rich) Michael Bloomberg! Maybe the FBI could murder everyone in Zuccotti Park and then blame Iran? No, that would be retarded.

And here’s a strange video compilation, which includes exclusive MTV “Cribs” footage of the interior of our ramshackle tarp fort:

Let’s see, what else? Oh right, a policeman “punched a protester on the side of the head” this morning, for no reason whatsoever.

In other News: Your humble correspondent will probably be teargassed tomorrow afternoon in Times Square! Look for him on the teevee news! (He’ll be the one curled up in a little fetus ball, crying and crying as police boots flatten him into the world’s saddest crepe.)

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


BlueStateLibel October 14, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Sweeping up with brooms is socialism.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Wouldn't that be sweeping up with hammers and sickles?

Which would, admittedly, be messy.

flamingpdog October 14, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Damn, I just realized I not only have a big sledge hammer, but a big sickle that I inherited from my farmer grandfather? And he was a Republican! Now I don't know what to think???

Pragmatist2 October 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm

He was probably Gay as well as Communist.

Spurning Beer October 14, 2011 at 10:04 pm

That would be the hammer-and-sickle-and-glitter banner, I believe.

Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains, and about ten pounds, and that awful sports jersey. I mean, really.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Obviously, he MEANT for you to use them in cleaning up!

weejee October 14, 2011 at 8:24 pm

You go Riley and hang in there. Forty years from now, like a lot of we oldes, you'll look back at your being teargassed with a certain degree of nostalgia. The whole world is watching once again.

GOPCrusher October 14, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Word. At least not all of our children and grandchildren are poisoned by Raygunomics.

smokefilleddoommate October 14, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Thanks Riley, for doing it over there so I don't have to do it over here. Or something. (Until tomorrow, when myself and probably 7 other people will occupy lame-ass downtown Phoenix!!)

V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 15, 2011 at 11:45 am

This time of year the temperature at noon shouldn't be any more than 112 degrees, so good for you! Remember: it's dry heat.

Seriously: good for you. Do it for us Olds.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Proud of you, and there in spirit. You don't want me there in person, anaconda us gimps tend to hold up the line. Thanks for doing your part, and mine too. I want to be there SO fucking bad!

ProudLibunatic October 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm

You're my hero!

(How's the cold?)

Hurricane Ali October 14, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Go Riley! Thanks for protesting and for being a human crepe (hm? That sounds awful).

bikerlaureate October 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm

"The world's saddest crepe" is the kind of rhetoric one can't get from any premium snark site. That would make a great alt-rock album name…

Go Riley.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Something tells me we should be throwing dollar bills instead of plaudits at young Waggaman.

BlueStateLibel October 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Watch out for those cops, seriously. We are all pulling for you.

BelleSC October 15, 2011 at 7:47 am

Yes, we are. Even those of us who don't post much. Be safe. I admire you and everyone there. I'll find some gathering here in the reddest of red states do my bit.

undeterredbyreality October 14, 2011 at 8:34 pm

"We’ll never know/of course it’s semen!"

Surely you mean "of course it's santorum!"

emmelemm October 14, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Fight the power!

BarackMyWorld October 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm

If I had just spent that much time on Wall Street, I'd feel dirty too.

slithytoves October 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm

In a fetus ball crying and crying for justice? Now I feel shame. My fetus balls are so lame. Wait, that didn't sound right.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:42 pm

You wanna see Fetus Balls? Fruit Chan, that's what. You gotta see Fruit Chan. Now, THERE'S some Fetus Balls.

SarahsBush October 14, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I honestly expected more semen than that. Riley, DON'T LET ME DOWN.

coolhandnuke October 14, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I believe article 9 stroke 5 dash 3 of the Geneva Crepe Convention prevents any Jackboot from squashing your gourd in Zuccini Park.

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Keep that number handy. And don't forget the photographic evidence.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Why, that's impossible–This had to be 'shopped. As we all know, the OWS folks are all elitists who think themselves too good for manual labor.

Mrs. Bitch October 14, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Big smooches sweetie! Yes, I'm old enough to be your mommy so I'll keep my mouth closed and no tongue. Be safe.

Fare la Volpe October 14, 2011 at 11:09 pm

You can't throw in a little groping?

Mrs. Bitch October 15, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Jeez, Fare la Volpe, Riley doesn't have enough trauma going on in his life without you making fun of his allegedly "little" gropee?

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Love yer blog, Mrs. Bitch. Also, Riley would be scared pissless looking at that photo close-up, so distance kissies are the best bet. ;-)

Mrs. Bitch October 15, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Thanks KrayZ!

I'd even take the ciggy out first.

I bet if he saw the James Bond movie the Screamer Landlady was in, she'd have to chase him away with a stick.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Clearly, I need to watch MOAR James Bond movies.

flamingpdog October 14, 2011 at 8:55 pm


Slighty off-topic, but Colorado's Democratic (yeah, right!) Governor John Dick-in-pooper brought out the Colorado State Patrol early this morning to remove the dirty hippies camped out in Denver's City Park next to the Capodull Building. He then proceeded to send out a press release justifying his Koch-sucking move. I heard about it on the radio on the way back to the office from out of town this afternoon, and when I got back to the office, I found a copy of that very same press release in my gubmint mail inbox. It was one of those e-mails you can't reply to (SECURITY REASONS!!), so I dialed up the governor's official web site and informed him that if he continued to send obscene e-mails to my gubmint e-mail inbox, I would have to request our IT department to block any future e-mails from him.

NOTE: I am fortunate in that I can retire tomorrow and immediately start drawing pension.

AJWjr. October 14, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Awesome. I used to do similar stuff whenever Schwarzenegger sent out mass emails. Just hitting "reply all" could send Lotus Notes into a tailspin.

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 14, 2011 at 10:54 pm

It's fun until they figure out how to Bcc.

Sharkey October 15, 2011 at 11:42 am

Yeah but who retires on a SATURDAY.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:48 pm

And you're not gonna give us his phone number so we can give him an earful about manhandling the Denver protestors? Some friend you are, pdog.

x111e7thst October 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I finger-banged a Groupon once. Not a peak experience. Can't really recommend it.

Geminisunmars October 15, 2011 at 11:46 am

Even at 50% off?

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Would not finger-bang again.

LesBontemps October 14, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Thanks for being there, Riley.

This comment is 100% snark free.

Blueb4sunrise October 14, 2011 at 9:04 pm

A automatic ad in the corner came on when I clicked. It was for Activia Yogurt for occasional irregularity, featuring Jamie Lee Curtis. I don't really believe in omens, but, ya know, take heed young Riley.

flamingpdog October 14, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Jamie Lee Curtis can show up in my corner anytime. And it won't be omens, it'll be "AMENS!".

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I would gladly join the Jamie Lee Curtis Irregulars.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:56 pm

What a pair of fucking sluts. Yeah, you AND Dok, that's who.

RadioOcupados October 14, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Riley, you've got the Right wingtard propaganda machine riled up.
Other than these lame talking points that HistoriCat outlined the other day:
1) Make several oblique references to drug use.
2) Find the most incoherent person you can find to interview. If that person says something intelligent, be sure to omit it from your story.
3) Maintain a proper sneering attitude towards these lowlife protesters.
4) To maintain your objectivity, always compare OWS to the Teabaggers and pretend that there are no differences except that the Teabaggers were better-mannered.

They've got nothing. And they are squirming.

Go, Riley, Go.

Pragmatist2 October 14, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Ernest Hemingway, Ernie Pyle, that CNN SCUD Stud guy, and Riley. Not necessarily in that order.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm

OT: OWS has officially made it to Detroit, this evening. I might be able to make it down to Occupy Lansing, tomorrow, maybe get a few pictures. The mayor of Lansing was on Ed last night, and has given the protestors a park for staging, port-a-potties, and assurance that his local government supports the movement. In fact, the tent city in the park began consturction earlier this week.

Riley, keep up the great work you guys are doing in NYC. BTW, I'm totally behind the idea of taking this to Times Square, eventually, though, I do hope everyone's prepared for what will be a more stressful environment navigating all of the people and potential dangers.

rambone October 14, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Hmmm . . . Detroit huh? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that the 99% be 100% out there . . .

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Metro Detroit, contrary to popular belief is still one of the wealthier major metropolitan areas in the country. The difference is where the poverty is concentrated and the sheer size of the gap; makes for some really stark contrasts.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:58 pm

You GO, BABY! Take photos! The Oldz and Gimpz want to live this vicariously, dammit!

How I wish I could be there! The last time I marched about anything was at least 8 years ago, before I blew out my knee. GodDAMNit.

chascates October 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Ladies and Gentleman: should young Riley face bodily harm it will be received as nothing less than the caning of Senator Charles Sumner!

e_z October 15, 2011 at 6:47 am

The same Sumner who was the head of the Radical Republicans?

riverside68 October 15, 2011 at 10:36 am

As a glass half full guy let's take heart in the fact that the captains of industry and banking used to be the radical progressives battling rural agrarian slavery power which controlled the senate and white house (with the 3/5 slave representation).

Now those captains are the conservative reactionaries defending the indefensible!

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Or Schumer. I could cane Schumer, if a hair on young Riley's head is harmed. As long as someone else is willing to bend the bastard over a chair and hand me a rotan.

Poindexter718 October 14, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Cold occupy that shit, Riley!

JackObin October 14, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Cleanliness is next to Jewliness.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Occupation Phase #2: Electric Bugaloo, y'all. Hold onto your butts, 'cause shit's about to get really real.

rocktonsam October 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm

cleaned and beaten is better than , cleaned and beaten and raped by breitfart

stay low waggaman

Spurning Beer October 14, 2011 at 9:51 pm

The Occupy Wendy's ad campaign is totally ripping off your chant:


Spurning Beer October 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm

This isn't very nonviolent of me, I know, but I would love to deliver a beard slap to those smug, clean-shaven, white-shirted Wall Streeters:

thebeatgoeson October 15, 2011 at 10:00 am


Barrelhse October 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm

THIS is the Life of Riley?

DahBoner October 14, 2011 at 9:59 pm

You can't have any pudding, if ya doesn't beat your meat…

Polish: Nie można mieć żadnych budyń jeśli nie pokonać mięsa!

Tommmcattt October 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm

I was going to make gross gay innuendo about cleaning and beating young Wags, but instead I will hang my head in shame and admit that I've done noting as important as is he has probably in my entire life. So bravo, Reily, stay awesome.

Call me if you want to get cleaned and beaten.

Fare la Volpe October 14, 2011 at 11:15 pm

I'll take that offer if Riley won't, please. Just gimme a time, a place, and a color of handcuff.

I've been a naughty young revolutionary.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I could lend you my velvet-lined cuffs and a small, tasteful riding crop.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I don't think young Riley goes for innuendo. He's more of a 'tongue-punch your fartbox" kind of guy.

Spurning Beer October 14, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Exactly. The tongue goes innuendo.

Dok-cupy Zoom October 15, 2011 at 12:40 am

Innuendo and out the other.

Veritas78 October 16, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Tongue goes in, tongue goes out, nobody knows why.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:02 pm

And you would know this exactly how, young Dok? Eh? HENGGGHH??

FakaktaSouth October 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Constant fingerbang Groupons.
One two three, what are we fightin for?
NOW I get it.

There were some kids on the steps of probably the most conservatarded university around these days tonight, straight representing. I say, if its gotten this far, fucking wear it out.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I would like to go on record as espousing your philosophy. Also, too, I would like a subscription to your magazine.

El Pinche October 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Roll up them sleeves. The santorum ain't gonna mop itself.

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Wear your pink sweater so we can see you in the crowd. And maybe a football helmet? You'll need your head in the weeks to come.

Salacious Crumb October 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Well…. I guess that's better than 'Cleaned and Eaten'. Bob and weave Riley, bob and weave.

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Riley, get with it. Don't you know we can't say 'retarded' any more? Geez, what a ree-tahd.

Oh, and honestly, do good but not so much good that bad happens. Crepes are overrated.

Antispandex October 14, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I wouldn't dismiss that FBI murdering everyone so fast. You could be onto something. I mean, the locals can't carry the Fed's water forever here!

GOPCrusher October 14, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Seriously, we are all proud of you all.

rambone October 14, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Remember Riley, "Wax on! Wax off!"

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 14, 2011 at 10:57 pm

After the march, you can all go back to the park where Jesus can serve up some loaves and ween.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:22 pm

That would be the Koch Bros. Encampment. Freshly pinched loaves and ween.

HedonismBot October 14, 2011 at 11:08 pm

When I first read this post, I thought it said Riley would probably be "TEAgassed" tomorrow. You know. Like the whole country has been the past couple years.

fuflans October 14, 2011 at 11:16 pm

riley is our very own spartacus.

go slave of rome go!

bagofmice October 15, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I am Riley!

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Today, we are ALL Riley. But with less danger to our precious hides.

Alternatively, we are all whimpering fetus balls.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 11:22 pm

My goodness, I just switched over to Fox, by accident (really, it was an accident, I promise), and O'Reilly has Glenn Beck on. Beck is looking and sounding more unhinged than ever, which is a hard feat to accomplish, but Beck has done it. What a fuckin' cacophony of crazy. They are doing on and on about the conspiracies behind OWS. Needless to say George Soros is mentioned more than once.

I really shouldn't be shocked, but for someone that doesn't ever watch Fox, whenever I do happen to be accosted by it, somewhere, it seems like a different world. It angers me to no end when I hear someone try to make the case that someone like Rachel Maddow is the mirror image of someone like O'Reilly. Not even fuckin' close.

rambone October 15, 2011 at 12:18 am

Rachel Maddow is the mirror image of someone like O'Reilly

Because she is calm, rational and articulate? Or because O'Reilly really likes the cock?

FakaktaSouth October 15, 2011 at 1:44 am

I had the Fox foisted upon me the other day while in a doc's waiting room. It was neat though because the segment I mostly saw was about the "mormonism is a cult" preacher and Rick Perry and whether anyone cares if Mitt is a Mormon (I swear, they reaaaally will. The people down here that like to say they are Rs because of God and stuff – ie most of them, really won't like what the Mormons believe about Jesus)
ANYWay, Bill whoever that used to be normal and on CNN kept saying abt Mitt, AND I QUOTE – "give me a job, not a Bible, am I right? right?" So apparently Mitt is their guy. And I kept thinking, as I often do whenever I hear "one of them" suddenly blow off an issue they usually give undue credence to – HEY ASSHOLES – YOU STARTED IT. I NEVER wanted to hear about your theories on the afterlife anyway, much less did I want them applied to public policy, wars and what medical practices are available to me if I get knocked up again – BUT THANKS ANYWAY you motherfuc—- and then I black out usually. Because of all the stupid.

BelleSC October 15, 2011 at 7:55 am

I quit going to the gym I enrolled in because ALL of the TVs are set on Faux News! I mentioned it to my trainer, a hunky young black man, and all he would say was, "You should have seen this place after the 2008 election."

I told you this place was red.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Girl, I don't know how you stand it.

BelleSC October 15, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Not by my own choice, I assure you.

snoopyfan2010 October 15, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Try having it force fed to you at work everyday.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Clearly, you're a much better human being than I. I get so FUCKING IRATE whenever I am subjected to Pox Ooze that I usually ask the office factota to turn the fucking thing off.

I wish I could black out from the stupid. It would keep my fingers from twitching, twitching, twitching desperately as I fantasize about squeezing the ever-loving shit out of Big Bully Bill ORly, right through his toothpaste tube of a neck.

glamourdammerung October 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm


You can also solder your own unit like this with a very limited understanding of electronics and a semi-stable hand.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Sounds wonderful. Can you invent one for cellphones too?

HarryButtle October 15, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Recently was subjected to about 2 hours of Faux while at the auto dealership…lost 10 IQ points on that day, I did. Also.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Don't you just tell them to turn the fucking thing off? Oh, you probably do, like the rest of us, and they give you the virtual finger, just like they do to the rest of us.

Fuck me, I hate Pox Ooze.

glamourdammerung October 15, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I bought my last GM from a town over because I figured if the local dealer was so big on Limbaugh and Fox telling everyone to boycott GM, that I should too and told the owner as much.

Jukesgrrl October 17, 2011 at 1:09 am

Yes, you can't just DO it. You have to make sure they KNOW why they're losing your business. The only thing they hate more than liberals is losing money.

glamourdammerung October 15, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I did not think that not having to sober up for television was going to have a positive influence on Beck's already weak grasp of reality.

Sharkey October 14, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Hey Riley, I always saw you as more of a pancake than a crêpe. Carry on then.

flamingpdog October 15, 2011 at 12:07 am

Well, it's now 12:10 AM on Saturday, Elitist Daylight Time, and Sara Benincasa has once again stiffed us … um, failed to show up again. Come on Sara, if you're going to snub your faithful servants, at least get on your bicycle and go over and help out Riley!

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Oh, I think "stiffed" was pretty accurate, judging from YOUR reaction.

JoshuaNorton October 15, 2011 at 12:08 am

Dude. You've got to get them more focused so the MSM will stop yammering about it.

I recommend the following rabble-rousing cheer:

What do we want?

"The passage of the proposed Return to Prudent Banking Act of 2011, which would bring back some provisions of the Glass-Steagall Act of 1933."

When do we want it?

"Within the next 18 months assuming that it can get through the House and theres no filibuster in the Senate."

Fight Team Fight!

Suck on that, Liz Trotta.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Liz Trotter disgusts me. But, how is she any worse than the rest of the media's ball-licking, scrote-sucking, peen-tonguing WHORES?

CapnFatback October 15, 2011 at 12:49 am


KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Cap'n, you seem bound and determined to get young Riley partnered off. You wouldn't happen to be a Mrs. Waggaman IRL, or anything, wouldja?

iburl October 15, 2011 at 2:56 am

the world’s saddest crepe

Maybe you could bring a can of cool whip and draw a smiley face on yourself.

AlterNewt October 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You really can't go too far wrong with a can of cool whip.

Goonemeritus October 15, 2011 at 3:35 am

If you do find yourself being stomped by the police remember the fetal position is your best bet. Done correctly it will offer some protection for your kidneys and your cranial orb. If memory serves lots of anonymous sex helps to keep one’s mind off impending danger also too.

paris biltong October 15, 2011 at 4:09 am

You shall overcome, some day.

schvitzatura October 15, 2011 at 8:01 am

Where is Proctor & Gamble? I smell a cleanliness marketing coup.

Alas, these malcontents are probably making their own Fight Club soap, too. And selling it on Etsy.

Clean the Power!

schvitzatura October 15, 2011 at 8:04 am

Sweep up the memories
those old untidy memories
broken mixed up memories
of what we had one day

Sweep out the nonsense
That crazy happy nonsense
This world's too old for nonsense
Sweep, just sweep it all away

Everything in a state of grace
Everything back in it's proper place
No more rainbows for us to chase
No more games to play

Sweep out the laughter
There's no more time for laughter
At least not until after
We come back – and you know


snoopyfan2010 October 15, 2011 at 9:19 am

OWS has made its way to South Texas so I say this thing is offically a big deal. 99% indeed….

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Wow! Great news! Thanks, occupiers of South Texas!

riverside68 October 15, 2011 at 10:49 am

Riley, Legal Advice: when the cops close in, stay close to the video cameras. It makes the civil litigation much simpler. (See: women maced by Toni Boloni; NLG legal observer run over by NYPD.)

Carry on, the whole world actually is watching this time. And always remember: True adventures are often best in the retelling. (Which is to say that living through them in person can be boring, tedious, scary, dumb etc. But you are living our fanasty, and it is your responsibity to enjoy it fully for the rest of us!)

DashboardBuddha October 15, 2011 at 11:56 am

Horribly OT, but I found a video of Extemporaneous at work:

RadioOcupados October 15, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I'm not sure if that's the worst pedobear, or worst robot?
A forklift from Home Depot could dance circles around that lame-ass cyborg.

BlueStateLibel October 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Imagine a thousand of those robot bear nurses marching on Wall Street! Not going to happen, but one can dream.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

IT COULD HAPPEN! Just not in OUR lifetime, if we're lucky.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Extemporanus lifts people? Or Extemporanus is Pedobear? Because that looks like Pedobear to me.

glamourdammerung October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

All of them, Charlie.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Well, it probably doesn't mean much to elderly Japanese ladies, but they damn well better change the looks of that thing if they plan to deploy it for our generation. I do NOT want to be carried around by Pedobear.

flamingpdog October 15, 2011 at 5:39 pm

If that was an elderly Japanese lady that Pedobear was picking up, I'm learning Japanese ASAP and getting a passport.

DashboardBuddha October 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Last time I saw, Extem uses pedobear as his avatar. Why, I do not know.

Nostrildamus October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Man, even robots are getting more chicks than I am these days.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Funny. My housemate used to burst into tears because one of our cats was always giving his brother a blow job — on her bed. She would come out of her room sobbing, because she claimed they were getting more in a week than she got all year.

Geminisunmars October 15, 2011 at 12:04 pm

We're behind you Riley, 99%!

Mort_Sinclair October 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Riley, think of the stories you'll have to tell your children & grandchildren. Indeed, it is your moral imperative to reproduce. We can't have a whole generation of nothing but Christian nutbag and teabagger spawn.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Uh, no. Most of us rose from the ranks of nutbaggers and teabaggers. Riley's putative spawn will be a Young Republican, or the 22nd-century equivalent thereof.

Riley? Don't bother spawning. Instead, concentrate on warping OTHER PEOPLE'S SPAWN! That way, you don't have to do the tough and costly work of raising the little bastids, and can influence many more of them for less effort.

Jukesgrrl October 17, 2011 at 1:14 am

I agree with that. My dad was a regular Archie Bunker. He had three kids. A teacher, a social worker, and a writer. All Democrats.

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

OT, but only kinda, because when is Catch-22 EVER off-topic in today's modern world of today? It's the 50th anniversary of Catch-22's publication.

Occupy Pianosa!

RadioOcupados October 15, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Riley is our Yossarian.

But, srsly Dok, what a great book in the "war is fucked up, people" canon, I'd put it beside Flyboys and All Quiet on the Western Front. How quickly the wingtards in this country have forgotten, the only thing more insane than war is the military-industrial-socialism complex.

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Yup; Heller liked to remind interviewers that while the novel was set in WWII, his real target was large organizations of humans, which tend toward stupidity as a default setting. I seem to recall he said that Catch-22 had as much to do with his experiences at TIME as it did with his experiences in the nose of a B-25.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Here is the dilemma, though, Dok: We need a structure, a societal framework, if you will, in order to organize the complexities of living as large-brained social animals. Yet all such frameworks, in short order, become entities devoted to perpetuating themselves, whereupon their aims come into conflict with the aims of those whose lives they were supposed to simplify. Stupidity is the default in any such large group, because everything must be geared towards the understanding of those with the least amount of understanding.

What's the solution?

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Reading Catch-22 and getting hammered, I'd say.

Or at the very least, not mistaking the temples we build ourselves for the gods we claim inhabit them.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:36 pm

The Good Soldier Svejk belongs on that list too. If you haven't already read it, you owe it to yourself to do so forthwith.

RadioOcupados October 15, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Ah, yes, it was a short list. Great book.
On the obscure side, I'd recommend Stalingrad by Theodor Plievier, and Norman Davies' No Simple Victory.

Also, Dok, thinking about Heller and even reading some excerpts, I can't help but think about another anti-war hero, the great Howard Zinn, who too, was a bombardier.
Our fine young friend Riley, is not so crazy in his no more war quest. Even if it's transmorphed into a different shade at present. .

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Thank you very much for those recommendations. I expect I'll be reading a lot for about six weeks, as I recover from surgery later this year. I shall add them to my (ever-growing) list.

Antispandex October 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Just heard the foreigns are turning a little violent with their protests. You know, I remember when WE used to lead the world, but NO! Now if we get the guts to stand up for ourselves we'll just look like total followers!

KrayZBaggerLayD October 16, 2011 at 12:30 am

The Italian indignados are claiming provocateurs. Hardly surprising.

Mojopo October 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Is anyone bringing hot food to Riley? He totally deserves it.

proudgrampa October 15, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Ri-ton, Ri-ton, Ri-ton, Ri-ley!!!

Be strong, man. And careful…

weejee October 15, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Riley for tear gas you can take the LAW into your own hands. LAW = liquid antacid + water. Mix 50/50 Maalox Plain (or other aluminum or magnesium hydroxide-based liquid antacid) + water. Put it in squeeze bottles, like those used for ketchup or mustard at a hot dog stand. Use it to flush eyes and/or rinse the mouth or nose.

The stuff will hang around in your clothes, so if you see that it's coming, pull on a throw-away plastic poncho to cut down on how much nasty you'll carry around with you the rest of the day. If you wear contacts, switch to glasses if you can cause the contacts likely will be toast if they get contaminated.

Also, stay calm, the tear gas is not totally godawful. Unless you really get a serious dose, or mace/pepper spray, once you're clear of the cloud without treatment the symptoms should go away in somewhere from 5 to 30 minutes.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Ahem! Um, weejee? Would you like to serve on the Advisory Committee of the Occupy Protests? Because, you know, clearly, man, you have good advice to give.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:50 pm

I just want the world to know that when Riley Waggaman curls into a tiny whimpering fetus ball, he speaks for ME!

Salacious Crumb October 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Today. We are all tiny whimpering fetus balls.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm


KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:52 pm

FYI, for those who care, ttommy is out there somewhere in OccupyAtlanta, but I don't think he'll be doing any Fetus Ball imitations. In fact, I fear for the Balls of the good LE folk who might be policing the protest. Let's all hope he returns safe to the bosom of his loving family, who are undoubtedly contacting attorneys and gathering bail money even as we speak.

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 4:04 pm

OT once more, but wotthehell, archy, woththehell: Spending my day scoring SAT essays online, which can be brain numbing, but oncet in a while you get a little gem. The prompt is about learning from mistakes, which lends to a fair amount of cliche and anodyne writing about learning from history blah blah blah, but this morning I came across this: "If the world has to experience a genocide in order to learn that genocides are bad, then the world needs to stop learning mostly from experience." Happily, the rest of the essay was just as good…

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Let me guess: that kid scored an A on the written portion of the test.

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I gave it a "5" on a 6-point scale; it was a pretty nifty essay, and if the analysis had been just a bit more sustained, it would have been outstanding. Still, considering the students have 25 minutes to complete the essay portion, it's pretty darn impressive what some of them can come up with.

For this kid, if I'd had the chance to actually contact him (the writer almost certainly was a boy), I'd have recommended lots and lots of Vonnegut, and maybe a link to Wonkette.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Pray, tell, if you would be so kind, how do you deduce that the writer was male? I find it very difficult to guess at the gender of a writer simply from the writing. I know that there are currently tests available, which claim to have a high accuracy rate, but I'm not convinced that they work, given the number of folk I've bamboozled into taking them for me, with incorrect results.

Dok-cupy Everything October 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm

informed guessing based on handwriting. This was classic Teen Boy Scrawl.

Negropolis October 15, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Occupy Lansing is getting off to a slow start. I hate that the weather decided to change literally the day before. The temp was in the 50's, today, and we had windgusts of 50 MPH further lowering the temperature, not to mention clouds (though, as you can see in the picture, it made an appearance). Needless to say this really dampened the turnout. The maddening thing is that we had 70's as late as Monday and Tuesday under completely sunny skies.

Same thing happened with Detroit. The cold and wet literally hit yesterday just as the two major state occupations were gearing up.

blogslut October 15, 2011 at 8:17 pm


Remember, Wonketteers! Subscribe to Riley's magnificent YouTube channel:

ttommyunger October 16, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Bloomberg is poised to announce his own 9-9-9 Plan: A size 9 NYPD Boot, 9 inches up a different protester's ass every 9 seconds. Genius!

Jukesgrrl October 17, 2011 at 1:19 am

Double TT, do you have a report on Atlanta?

ttommyunger October 17, 2011 at 9:58 am

I participated Saturday. They are expected to get kicked out/locked up today. No news yet (10am). Kind of a sorry lot, really. Too many hobos, bums, kids and dogs. I fear for the latter two.

Jukesgrrl October 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm

I keep asking why the media demands leaders for this movement but I guess you just touched on why a few might do some good.Thanks for your reply.

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm

And the pleats. Don't forget those awful pleats.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:53 pm

TEN pounds? TEN? Geez, if there's an American worker out there, s/he could safely stand to lose over fifty pounds, at least.

Spurning Beer October 14, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Oh puh-leez.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 11:26 pm

The dictatorship of the fashionistas will inevitably give way to true nattiness.

Doktor Zoom October 14, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Who's he think he is? Bo Diddley?


KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Or Natty Bumpponess.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 4:07 pm

He walks like Bo Diddley but he don't
need no crutch

Some kid named Zimmerman, or sump'n.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Ah, Dok, you are a veritable fount of wisdom, if a vinous one. Regrettably, most people don't indulge in thought unless forced to (and I include myself in the number, having only been more fortunate in that life seems to think I need a lot of forcing, and generously complies).

Perhaps I'll go out in the garden and get hammered and listen to Frank Zappa instead. I'd have a hard time finding my copy of Catch-22 in this veritable jungle of books. You wouldn't happen to know any nice, unattached ladies who might enjoy dusting and sorting my books, would you?

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 5:45 pm

You're a dirty, low-down DAWG, pdog. I'm'a have to find you a pretty young lady to keep your bed warm of nights, just to stop these public manifestations breaking out.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Heartfelt sympathies.

glamourdammerung October 15, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I have read that jamming cell signals is some kind of federal offense.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 15, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Makes sense, since emergency communications travel thereby. Although it would be nice if you could just zap the next loudmouth who insists on discussing their hemorrhoids or yeast infection at 10K DB.

Dok-cupy Everything October 16, 2011 at 12:11 am

Oh, hey, good luck with the surgery! One more incredibly good book, nonfiction this time: John Dower's Embracing Defeat: Japan in the Wake of World War II. Outstanding analysis of the transformation of Japan and how Japanese and American Occupation interests clashed and pushed each other in the postwar years. As I've mentioned elsewhere, Dower took it very personally that GWB misread this book, wishfully seeing it as proof that Iraq could be easily reshaped into a democracy. (That anger at GWB helped fuel Dower's 2010 Cultures of War: Peal Harbor, 9/11, Hiroshima, Iraq, which is also good but far more digressive).

KrayZBaggerLayD October 16, 2011 at 12:28 am

Thank you! Given that last year was The Year of Reading About WW II and Japan, I'm amazed I missed it. Must've been catching up on back issues of Science News. I swear, the li'l devils multiply when you stick 'em in a dark office. I'm perturbed that Dower was surprised at Geedumb's "misreading." Given how many misdeeds that yob managed in office, it would be surprising had he not. Misread, that is. But that second book also sounds fascinating, and I shall do a very good imitation of Someone Dying For Lack of Reading Material in order to convince friends and family to cough up forthwith. I get two books a month as presents (it's in my contract) and up to ten as loaners. :) Keeps me off the streets and out of trouble. Too busy dusting, moving, reading, and sorting books.

KrayZBaggerLayD October 16, 2011 at 12:29 am

Oh, my, my, my, this Dower is an impressive scholar. Many thanks. I thank you. My leg also thanks you.

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