WAR ALL THE TIME  3:58 pm October 14, 2011

Obama Starting New War In … Uganda! Sure, Uganda Sounds Good

by Ken Layne

Worst. President. Ever.Is the War of Libya over? Who knows. How about the War In Iraq? Kind of dull these days, we guess. War against Afghanistan? Very expensive and busy, as always, but it’s mostly boring Robot Raptors laser-blasting poor families in mud huts. And then we (ha ha, “we”) have soldiers and troops and special forces and androids in another 117 countries around the world. A hundred and seventeen! Who knew we even had so many countries! But that’s the Obama Administration for you! (The Bush Administration had military forces in 75 countries. So, Obama is better, we guess, at having American military operatives destabilizing the world, constantly.) Anyway, it’s time for a war in a different kind of place. So much desert, right? Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen …. just one arid-ass place after another. You always need to have like two chapsticks. How about a jungle, for a change? That’s different! Great, then Uganda it is. Send the “military advisers,” haw haw.

Uganda, the Idi Amin country! Idi Amin was awesome, as a character in a terrifying documentary by the French director Barbet Schroeder. General Idi Amin Dada was a highly trained officer of the British military, of course, and eventually “went rogue” and was accused of eating all his enemies. (This is different than the practice of British officers, who preferred to eat “jam butties” or whatever, gin and tonics, and just starve whole populations to death by bombing a port or something, maybe a railroad.)

So what will we do for a war in Uganda?

President Barack Obama said Friday he’s dispatching roughly 100 U.S. troops to central Africa to help battle the Lord’s Resistance Army, which the administration accuses of a campaign of murder, rape and kidnapping children that spans two decades.

In a letter to Congress, Obama said the troops will act as advisers in efforts to hunt down rebel leader Joseph Kony but will not engage in combat except in self-defense.

Mmm hmmm. [AP]

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nounverb911 October 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

And how does this effect Sarah Palin?

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

She's watching… from her porch.

baconzgood October 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm


Generation[redacted] October 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

The Lord's Resistance Army? Only Sarah Palin could lead a group with that name!

MOG2410 October 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm

she supports the idea because it's the LORD's army – onward Christian Soldiers!!!

iburl October 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Sarah Paleen Dada

AJWjr. October 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Is this the continent of Uganda we're talking about?

zhubajie October 14, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Well, Joseph Kony, like Sarah, is a Pentecostal Prophet and wants a government based on the 10 Commandments! Of course, quite a lot of atrocities happen along the way….

Barb October 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Wow, one more war and I think we will have enough punches on our punch card to get one free.

emmelemm October 14, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Damn, you are on fire today! And every day.

(130+ pees, I salute you.)

zappadoo76 October 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

She's quick with a quip.

Barb October 14, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Thanks Zappa.

Barb October 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Thanks! So, if I were on fire you would pee on me?

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Is that some kind of Florida test or something?

Beowoof October 14, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Is that a trickle down joke?

emmelemm October 15, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I'm a girl, so my aim would be off. But I'd throw water on your house even if you didn't pay your fire department fees.

Rotundo_ October 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

So does that mean that we don't have to pay for it or send any of our kids to it, or does it mean that we just get another one for the hell of it? I'm hoping for the former myself…

donner_froh October 14, 2011 at 6:23 pm

We already got the free one–Iraq. There hasn't been a nickel in war taxes to pay for that fiasco.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

I say we have a war game in the Comoros. Fuckin' beautiful (and perpetually politically unstable) country.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 14, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Barb, if you marry me I will keep my belly button free of lint and trim my eye brows weekly.

Barb October 15, 2011 at 9:08 am

Hmmm, let's go pick out a wedding cake!

nounverb911 October 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

"will not engage in combat except in self-defense."
Sounds like deja-vu all over again.

MaxNeanderthal October 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Uh-huh, so when someone empties an AK clip into the air, 3 klicks away, then you're COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in razing the neighbourhood to the ground, enslaving all the dusky-hued locals in a "special detention facility" (privately run, natch), and sewing the fields with salt for 20 miles in every direction….

Generation[redacted] October 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Is it just me or do those ocean waves look like a torpedo attack?

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm

"They will greet us as liberators…"

Callyson October 14, 2011 at 5:57 pm

They're coming right for us!

JustPixelz October 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

This is actually a major departure from the Dubya Doctrine which stated: "We can attack anybody anytime for any reason. Go fuck yourselves."

SorosBot October 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

It would look kind of bad for US troops to kill the rebel soldiers considering that most of them are twelve years old.

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

And harder, too! (Such itty-bitty targets.)

GunToting[Redacted] October 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Q: How can you shoot women and children?

A: Easy! You just don't lead 'em as much!

ifthethunderdontgetya October 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

It would look kind of bad for US troops to kill the rebel soldiers considering that most of them are twelve years old.

And where has this stopped us yet?

The only lesson we learned from Vietnam is make sure you do a good job of lying to the suckers back home.


Come here a minute October 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

You won't be surprised to need some self-defense when your knocking down the door of the leader of the Lord's Resistance Army.

Not_So_Much October 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Is this Joseph Kony as badass as Idi Amin? Otherwise, it doesn't seem like a very sexxy time adventure. Eat human flesh or GTFO!

powersuit October 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

(Snark off) The guy is a freak. He probably does eat humans. He makes kids (8,9,10, whatever) kill people, rapes lots. Gets his kid soldiers hooked on drugs. You get the idea. Of course, this doesn't explain why we are going there.

Not_So_Much October 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

ick. I assume there's oil and/or uranium under the hellscape upon which they barely subsist?

SorosBot October 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Let's see…

"Uganda has substantial natural resources, including fertile soils, regular rainfall, and sizable mineral deposits of copper and cobalt. The country has largely untapped reserves of both crude oil and natural gas.[22]"


taylormattd October 14, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Honestly, this guy is pretty much evil, and Ken is a dick for this post. They guy is a right wing, religious nut, cult leader who has been raping and slaughtering for quite a while now, and has been indicted by the International Criminal Court (those warmongers!!!). And Ken is freaking out about 100 advisors? Here is a summary:

"Since 1988 the group has been led by Joseph Kony, a fifty-something former Catholic altar boy who apparently believes himself to be a spiritual medium and a spokesperson for God.

If so, then it's a violent god he serves: the LRA has long been hammered by the United Nations for its reliance on child soldiers; and the actions those young troops commit include mutilation and the sexual enslavement of women.

Kony was indicted in 2005 by the International Criminal Court on 33 charges of war crimes and crimes against humanity."

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Quite simply: You're absolutely right. Just wanted to say that.

zhubajie October 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Worse, much worse.

RadioOcupados October 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

So, Obama is not a big fan of Kony Capitalism either.

chascates October 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

The Lord's Resistance Army sounds like something Rick Perry would be a general in.

CZL October 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Obama is sendin soshuliss muslin troops to kill the Lord's Army?

BklynIlluminati October 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Wait they found oil in Uganda?

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Or Rare Earth minerals…

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Making the world safe for palladium since 2009.

weejee October 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Coffee. This will show up in the movies as Starbucks Wars.

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

BTW… Uganda's coffee has gotten much better over the past 3-4 years.

Fare la Volpe October 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

It's all the blood and brain matter that gives it that tangy scent.

GunToting[Redacted] October 14, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Well, that'll bring the Battlestar Galactica fanboys out to the multiplex.

OKthennext October 14, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Yes. Yes, they really did. They found oil in Uganda. Honest.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Actually and honestly, yes. They found it this year. In fact, here's an article from today:

KAMPALA, 14 October 2011 (IRIN) – Uganda has yet to produce a single barrel of oil, but with three senior ministers accused of accepting bribes from oil companies and the government seemingly ill-prepared for imminent large-scale oil production, the phrase “resource curse” is already being bandied about.

Prime Minister Amama Mbabazi has been accused of receiving funds to lobby for oil production rights on behalf of the Italian oil firm ENI, which eventually lost its bid for exploration rights to British firm Tullow Oil. Along with Mbabazi, Foreign Affairs Minister Sam Kutesa and Internal Affairs Minister Hilary Onek are both accused of taking bribes from Tullow Oil worth over US$23 million and $8 million respectively.

Lascauxcaveman October 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

We have soldiers in 120 countries? By my count, that means there are sixty-some-odd we haven't invaded yet.


V572-⁂½‡‡‡‡‡ October 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Watch out, Liechtenstein! The 75ht Ranger Regiment (Airborne) will be airdropping into…wait a minute, let me Google it…Vaduz International Airport any minute now!

Salacious Crumb October 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Hermes Cain line two, something about selecting his Secretary of Defense?

MOG2410 October 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Yeah, but most of them are there to support the local economy – buy drugs, hookers, provide debs with dates and protect the embassies.

paris biltong October 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Fighting the Lord's army? That may not sit too well with the Xtians, but at least he's not (yet) bombing Iran on behalf of Saudi Arabia.

JustPixelz October 15, 2011 at 2:14 pm

It's The Lord's Black Army, so the Repubicans won't mind.

Gratuitous World October 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Ron Paul just raised his fake eyebrows.

kissawookiee October 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

In other words, he just hiked his pants up.

HarryButtle October 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Put yo eyebrows up in tha air, wave 'em 'round like ya jus' don't care…

JustPixelz October 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I raised fake eyebrows for a while. They're a tough crop to bring in because they always look like they're saying "Really!? You're gonna harvest me. Really?"

Allmighty_Manos October 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Lord’s Resistance Army AKA Focus on the Family.

Salacious Crumb October 14, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Families Values Shock Troops.

Goonemeritus October 14, 2011 at 4:08 pm

This is the kind of thing that happens when Riley is distracted with domestic concerns.

DaRooster October 14, 2011 at 4:08 pm

"Muslin President Is Anti-Lord"

Faux Noose… there ya go.

Wilburgton October 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

O, for a second I thought you said Uzbeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan…

Poindexter718 October 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Ugandans ought to especially appreciate working closely our newly out of the closet soldiers. Such a progressive country, if you know what I Idi Amin, Amin. If you know what I Idi Amin.

Swampgas_Man October 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

And Gawd bless Chucky Weiss.

littlebigdaddy October 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Barry has a cunning plan. What could possibly go wrong?

MaxNeanderthal October 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Worthy of a fox that's just been appointed professor of cunning at Oxford?
Or so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel?

ProudLibunatic October 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm

A Black Adder reference?
If so, "Sod off, Baldrick!"

MaxNeanderthal October 14, 2011 at 4:43 pm

"But my lord, We've been in your family for 200 years!"
"So has syphilis, now get out!"

SexySmurf October 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm

The full name of the group is Jack Lord’s Resistance Army. Hawaii Five-O was insanely popular in Uganda.

rambone October 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Oh good, we're going to hunt down the Lord's Army. Idiotic statement from Bach-Palin in 3…2…1

Callyson October 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm

"We are being brutalized!"

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Hey, remember the last time we liberated a jungly country from an unwanted insurgent militia? This must be some of that Mad Men nostalgia everyone's talking about.

MOG2410 October 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Cue the draft in 3, 2, 1………..

Chillwaver October 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Goddammit. Why can't Barry just play Call of Duty on PS3 and call it the night?

baconzgood October 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

"Battle the Lord’s Resistance Army" I knew he was a Mooslum!!!!! Show us the long form.

MaxNeanderthal October 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Kenyans and Ugandans have never got on…..

DerrickWildcat October 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

When the republicans send forces to somewhere and start shooting, it's because they can…then it backfires and all goes to shit.

When Dems send forces to somewhere and start shooting, it's because they're trying to help…then it backfires and all goes to shit.

outragedcitizen October 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I honestly don't understand why the GOP is wasting so much time and money trying to find someone to defeat Obama in 2012. I mean, Christ, he's doing damn near everything they want.

sezme October 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

A new war – and just in time for an election too! How serendipitous!

GunToting[Redacted] October 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm

October surprised?

ManchuCandidate October 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I hear the guns shooting tonight
But he hears only whispers of some NSC conversation
They're coming on a C-130 flight
The moonlit wings ride the GPS that guides them towards conflagration
I stopped a State Dept Wonk along the way,
Hoping to get some long forgotten briefing or local amenities
He turned to me as if to say, "i'd Hurry boy, the enemy's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
There's some wars down in Africa
Gonna take some time to shoot all the enemies we've ever had

Mrspanky October 14, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I bow down to your brilliance!

"They are the Lord's Army just remember….Shoot to kill, kill, kill, kill, kill….."

Blueb4sunrise October 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Dammit. I just saw that headline at BBC, and came here to avoid freaking out about it, and fuckity fuck fuck fuck………….

anyway, maybe our troops are just there to ground truth some GPS co-ordinates for the drones that will soon be buzzing overhead.

edgydrifter October 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Being that Uganda is the darling social experiment incubator for Rick Warren and other freakshow evangelicals, and a place where you can legally kill a man because he seems a little too gay-ish, I wish them all the best.
By which I mean they can all go fucking rot.

KathrynSane October 15, 2011 at 3:13 am

Yeah man, fuck those ten-year-olds forcibly taken from their families, beaten, raped, drugged, and forced to kill people. Their government did something terrible and offensive backed by religious crazies, which obviously doesn't happen in 'civilized' places like the US! (And actually the bill was never passed and never became law. So, you know, no.)

Come on, dude.

coolhandnuke October 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Uganda…the only country that starts with u and ends with u.
As in, u invaded u own it.
We fucked.

Mumbletypeg October 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Well, what else were ugand-do about it?

Chillwaver October 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Aren't the Club 700 and "Lord’s Resistance Army" basically the same thing?

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Completely different: one is a bunch of uneducated children with dangerous toys spreading mayhem in an impoverished third-world country — and the other is the Lord's Resistance Army.

bureaucrap October 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

+ 1 for fighting a militant lunatic causing havoc and suffering throughout the region.

- 5 for getting us bogged down in DeBeers Land for the next [X] years.

ThundercatHo October 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we MIND OUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, for a change? I'm sure this guy is horrible and needs to be taken out but isn't that what the UN forces are for, theoretically?

Danzig! October 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Haha, UN forces conducting manhunts, ha

In all seriousness, the bulk of peacekeeping troops in Africa are going to be from the African Union, mostly from Ethiopia in all likelihood, and will be poorly trained and equipped. If it's under the UN mandate they will be, as Barry says, restricted from engaging in any sort of armed conflict not pertaining to keeping themselves alive. UN troops are, like the Red Cross, "neutral" and their mere physical presence is supposed to prevent conflict. Go ahead and ask Roméo Dallaire how well that works.

The UN is the EPA of international politics – saddled with enormous responsibility and given no resources or faith to uphold it. Its "peacekeeping" forces* exist entirely as an ineffectual scapegoat upon which rich Western countries can heap awful shitstorms like this, so that they don't have to take any responsibility for "human rights" themselves. The victims of these civil wars have no champions, least of all in the UN.

* Speaking of which, where do you suppose these "peacekeeping forces" come from? As this comment section handily illustrates, Western countries suffer from acute NIMBY-ism. Hence the shunting onto miserably underqualified regional bodies and a handful of commandos charitably donated by the more socialist-leaning western European countries.

fuflans October 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

this is what leading from behind, projecting weakness and denying american exceptionalism looks like.


SorosBot October 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

On the one hand, the Lord's Resistance Army is not white; on the other, they're Christian. So are we allowed to call them terrorists or not?

Fare la Volpe October 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Christians are never terrorists. They're "freedom martyrs."

MaxNeanderthal October 14, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Or possibly just "bad catholics"….

Guppy06 October 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Secret Muslim Atheist Obama is sending troops against them, so they must be heroes.

Besides, everyone knows there's no such thing as a Christian terrorist!

El Pinche October 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Here let me help the pundits pick a lane:

"Obama goes to war!! Another war!!! Obama is a warmonger!! He's worst than Hitler!"


"What!!??? The Lords Resistance are skull raping infants and Obama is playing golf. He's weak!!!"

johnnyzhivago October 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm

As long as our troops don't have to serve under tribal chiefs or witch doctors, it's ok with me.

MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Problem is most of the Foxnoozers like to think ALL our troops serve under Wichdoctor Nosebone Obamacare Mooslin Colored Watermelon blah blah murrkuh

mereoblivion October 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

We just met a land named Uganda
And suddenly it seems
We've got a a brand new field
Of dreams

We're shootin' things up in Uganda
Where somehow it's a shame
These black folk are to blame
Not we!

Look around, you'll see bullets sprayin'–
Hey, get down!–well, y'know, I'm jus' sayin' . . .
We'll never get out of Uganda

Fare la Volpe October 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I seem to recall we used to train super spy chimps to take care of things like this. Why the shift in policy?

BlueStateLibel October 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

This is good news for Lockheed-Martin.

KathrynSane October 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Uh, am I the only person who is glad we're finally intervening in the conflicts in Uganda/the DRC? (They're so interrelated fighting one is practically fighting both.) I mean, millions of people killed, millions of women raped (usually by gangs, often with bayonets), thousands and thousands of kids abducted and enslaved… This isn't Iraq or Afghanistan or Libya, guys.

Edit: I'm not saying I back the specifics, but I take the fact that someone actually gives a flying fuck as a positive.

Mumbletypeg October 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Actually I read the specifics and if it's like the article says, that troops are "limited" in how they'll function (quote: "to provide information, advice and assistance to select partner nation forces") more so than in a combative role. I think your use of "intervening" rather than 'starting' a conflict is closer to my interpretation.. But then these 'specifics' have a way of evolving into something more aggressively involved, often enough.

Swampgas_Man October 14, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Black Hawk Down, anyone?

Barrelhse October 14, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I recall when we began sending "advisers" to Viet Nam.

Blueb4sunrise October 14, 2011 at 5:05 pm

No, you're right KS, it may be a little too kneejerk of a reaction for us to start whining 'Oh noes, not another sending advisors'. [that's what I did]

I sure hope it doesn't turn into a bigger disaster. I know very little little about Uganda, I hope the people we send know a hell of a lot more.

bureaucrap October 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I'm ambivalent. Sub-Saharan Africa has been a miasma since the end of the colonial period, undoubtedly because of the magic of tin-pot dictatorships and gini coefficients nearing 1. Perhaps it's in the internal DoD/State discussion papers, but no public acknowledgement is made about addressing the underlying structural causes of the endemic instability. Which suggests an interminable and ultimately unsuccessful involvement. I'm also cynical enough to think that there is likely to be a pecuniary interest (diamonds, rare earth, oil, cacao, sorghum, whatever) at play in the country, and as always, our own arms dealers ready and willing to supply the need.

Does it always have to be the US that intervenes? How about Switzerland? They're not doing anything this weekend.

KathrynSane October 14, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Yeah, I haven't looked at the plan, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not going to be anywhere near enough to completely solve the conflict. I just can't handle the idea that this is comparable to Iraq, for instance. (Although you might be right about natural resources; the conflict in the DRC is fueled in large part by coltan, which is a rare mineral used in cell phones and laptops.)

I'm also just pre-enraged by the thinly-veiled racism disguised as arguments against intervention I just know we're going to be hearing from every fucking media outlet there is. It drives me nuts when rich white people essentially say that the continent of Africa is a cesspool with stupid warlike people who can't get their shit together, of course while refusing to acknowledge that it was hundreds of years of imperialism and colonialism and neo-colonialism perpetrated by their ancestors (and from which they continue to benefit) that led to so much instability in the first place.

tl;dr: kill whitey.

zhubajie October 14, 2011 at 8:14 pm

I'm sure we'll make it worse.

HistoriCat October 16, 2011 at 7:11 pm

We call it "sticking with your core competency."

io9k9s October 17, 2011 at 10:11 am

You left out Mountain gorilaa murder and baby gorilla bush meat production and don't get me started on Bonobos in the Congo. Uganda was beginning to claw its way up to 3rd World status with eco/conservation tourisim… ugh so sad.

LiveToServeYa October 17, 2011 at 10:32 am

Agreed. The LRA is a scourge.

awwalk56 October 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

If Obama wants to sent troops somewhere maybe he should send troops into NYC, Boston and Denver and protect the OWS protesters. Just think of the money he could save on jet fuel?

iburl October 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I assume by the word "protect" you mean obliterate with drones?

johnnymeatworth October 14, 2011 at 4:39 pm

"The fucker's setting up franchises…."

–Tyler Durden

MOG2410 October 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Occupy Wall Street – please note, we have something to add to your signs, see above article.

Beowoof October 14, 2011 at 4:40 pm

You know that the military industrial complex needs to find some more shit to blow up to justify spending 700 Billion dollars per year on their toys. China, is next and they spend only 114 Billion, but then I hear the Chinese labor force works cheap.

prommie October 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I guess he is answering Mit Romney, what with the weak-America-loving thingie and all the reporters are now Romney's spokesmen. "I'll show them, I'll send some troops to Uganda, call me "anticolonial," I'll be all up in that f'shizzle colonizing the FUCK out of Uganda, and hey, send me out some motherfucking drones, and shoot some towelhead motherfuckers, call me a weak-America-Lover, Mormon motherfucker."

DerrickWildcat October 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Hold on a minute, let's find out where the The Lord's Resistance Army stands on Abortion and Intelligent Design before we start judging them.

SaintRond October 14, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Nah, this one is more like lending one of the neighbors your sawed off shotgun, just to show him you're a nice guy. It's not a big deal. Relax. Really.

Peace… God bless…

Bonzos_Bed_Time October 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Just be sure to make friends with the cute furry natives with the big eyes.
They don't seem like much, but they'll mess up a stormtrooper with no hesitation!

GlowneyHouse October 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Waiting to hear Eric Cantor say we can't go because we are broke. Where are the offsets for this endeavor?

JustPixelz October 15, 2011 at 2:23 pm

That's easy. He'll cut Social Security, Medicare, EPA, pregnancy tests, NPR, teleprompters, IRS enforcement.

(Again, I say: gasoline surtax to fund all foreign military operations. Everyone pays for war.)

x111e7thst October 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

If Obama was really cool he would be sending troops to hunt for General Butt Naked instead. http://www.generalbuttnakedmovie.com/

Generation[redacted] October 14, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Ah yes, General Butt Naked and his army of crack smoking cannibal kids.

Good times.

extreme_left October 15, 2011 at 1:28 am

the Tupac army! I'd laugh if it wasn't banally terrifying, still I guess no more than the Lil'George and the Goldman's reign of robot terror from the sky.

johnnyzhivago October 14, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Wait a minute – how can Uganda be a country if it's in Africa? I thought Africa was a country.

Uganda must be a county or something?

NickDanger007 October 14, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Leave my country alone! Signed, Big General President Fellow for Live Amin

BaldarTFlagass October 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Barry Obama heard the burst of Roland's Thompson gun and bought it

Come here a minute October 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

We're just there to earn a living, and to help out the Congolese.

GlowneyHouse October 14, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I knew that Son of a Bitch VanOwen was behind this…

Limeylizzie October 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I'm OK with this one, these people are total freakish bastards. I would also be OK if he sent troops into Congress and arrested the Republican leadership, Rep Joe Barton, Rep. Joe Walsh and Rep Louis Gohmert.

HistoriCat October 16, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Arresting them would be uncool. Now, giving them some uniforms and rifles and sending them to personally "support the troops" in one of those hellholes where we have forces … I could get behind that.

Dr_pangloss October 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

I'm in torn between "Oh for Fucks sake" and "It's about time" here. Whereas I think we are already in a million wars to many. I'm glad that something even if small something is being done about the LRA. Those fucks need some killing, though I don't think we can do much about them. I'm thinking Joseph Kony has watched Apocalypse Now one to many times.

HarryButtle October 15, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Hell, I've watched Apocalypse Now too many times…but I see it more as a scathing social commentary rather than as a helpful instructional guide.

Millennial Malaise October 14, 2011 at 5:41 pm

"just one arid-ass place after another. You always need to have like two chapsticks."

And that's why we kill thousands of Muslim women and children, so that the soil can be moisturized with their infidel blood and then new WMDs grow out of the soil, giving us a reason to go back, or something.

Nostrildamus October 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Don't worry. This war will pay for itself.

Salacious Crumb October 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

'Goodbye my darling, hello Uganda' just doesn't have the same ring to it.

imissopus October 14, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Actually, the U.S. has been engaged somewhat in trying to catch Joseph Kony (head of the LRA) for at least a decade – providing intelligence teams, selling Uganda helicopters it requested specifically to carry troops deep into the jungles where the LRA hides out, training commando teams to raid LRA camps – and international aid groups have been begging for years for U.S. troops to help out.

The LRA mostly operates in Uganda but has been known to move back and forth across that country's borders with Congo and what is now the brand-new country of South Sudan. If anything, catching Kony and destroying the LRA would theoretically stabilize a very unstable region and bring peace to thousands of villagers who have been living in fear of this guy for twenty years (Tom's Dispatch whining about how the U.S. having troops all over the world sows global instability is actually irrelevant here since this is already one of the more unstable areas of Africa, and that's saying something.)

But sure, let's do the usual knee-jerk "NOBAMER THE WARMONGER" shit, because nuance and making decisions on a case-by-case basis and actually reading some of the stories linked from the Google News page in order to have a more informed understanding of the situation is just so last decade. How did that decade work out for the world, anyway?

zhubajie October 14, 2011 at 8:27 pm

When did any US government actually improve people's lives by invading their country, killing a shit-load of people? Never, that I can remember.

ShaveTheWhales October 14, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Well, there was Operation Overlord.

zappadoo76 October 14, 2011 at 9:46 pm

You said it for me.

imissopus October 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I don't think 100 soldiers counts as an invasion.

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Zhu, I don't want to be a dick, you're a valuable wonkitizen. But just spend 10 minutes looking into the LRA. Kony is as murderous a savage as you can point to in our murderous world. Like I said, just check things out on this one.

BerkeleyBear October 15, 2011 at 2:06 am

Depends on the time frame you want to pick, but I'm guessing the Phillipines, South Korea, Japan (at least the economy), western Europe, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic are all kinda okay with having come under US influence at one point or another, seeing how they've benefited from it. The Kurds seem to be pretty glad we stopped Saddam in the 90s, and I hear Afghan girls are generally better off today than they were under the Taliban. A fairnumber of people in Bosnia and Kosovo are kinda glad we didn't let the ethnic cleansing continue, even if our efforts were at times half-assed.

Now, does that mean we're batting anywhere near a thousand? Nope. But not every intervention is a misbegotten waste of time effort and energy based on cherrypicked intel and a quest for global energy domination.

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Right, correct, exactly and well-said. This one was a pull-outta-yer-ass post and deserves your informed hammering.

imissopus October 15, 2011 at 12:31 am

Why, thanks, Owls. Praise from Caesar.

KathrynSane October 15, 2011 at 2:53 am

Not enough thumbs up in the world.

LiveToServeYa October 17, 2011 at 10:38 am

Yes. It's just Ken's disenchantment and anarchism speaking, again. The LRA makes Wacky-Daffy look like Santa Jesus.

Barrelhse October 14, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Just a wild guess, but won't they need some defoliant on the jungles so the Drones can see? I'll bet Dupont or BP could fill the order!

donner_froh October 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

This is the only war that Amerikkka is waging that actually makes sense. Whether it will continue to do so is up in the air. Kony and his LRA is as evil as anyone who has ever lived. The UN won't go after him because they never do anything; the African Union is helpless–the troops they have as part of the attempted peacekeeping in Darfur are supplied, maintained and flown in and out by donor nations.

It will probably get fucked up which may be reason enough itself to stay out of the Great Lakes region of Africa but in this case the reason behind it actually work.

owhatever October 14, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Attacking the Lord's Army, and attacking the Occupy protesters? Coincidence? I think not.

Beetagger October 14, 2011 at 7:42 pm

"You American people have no sense of humor" Idi Amin

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 7:57 pm

For the love of god, will the government stop calling soldiers "advisors"? It's so fucking Orwellian. The only thing these advisors do is advise you how to put a bullet between someone's eyes. The African Union and the United Nations should be able to handle this. Kony is a nutcase, but he's been doing this shit for years, and I question why we're getting involved, now. And, for as crazy as he is, he's not a government and his "army" isn't large enough to destablize even the smallest countries in that region.

BTW, if we really want to help Uganda, how about getting their nasty-ass government off the "kill the gays" wagon? How about that?

starfanglednut October 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm

BTW, if we really want to help Uganda, how about getting their nasty-ass government off the "kill the gays" wagon? How about that?

Excellent point.

Antispandex October 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm

"…but will not engage in combat except in self-defense."

Where and when did I hear this before??? Let's see, I was really young, but I think it was somewhere in South East Asia…damn, I wish I could remember.

Negropolis October 14, 2011 at 8:17 pm

BTW, what happens when we chase them back into the Congo, or even worse, chase them back in Rwanda for the millionth time? Hengh? These guys are a stateless, local terror group. Here we go tilting at windmills, again. What this border region needs is development, plain and simple. Roads, sewers, police, etc…we can keep chasing these phantoms through the jungle for another decade and it won't make a difference if you can't even get to the villages they are terrorizing on decent roads.

If Kony had the power to lay siege to Kampala, or the power to overthrow the government, I could begrudingly be down for some military action. I just don't see the use of sending military "advisers" over. This isn't a military issue. The LRA is an ultra-violent, rag-tag guerilla group. We've tried this shit in Colombia; the Mexican government has tried this shit with the cartels. It doesn't solve the underlying problem. In fact, the intractability of the whole thing actually becomes a PR win for the guerilla groups. We know this. We've known this for centuries.

Gritless_Canuck October 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Obama screw up number………….Sorry, lost count.

MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 2:12 pm

That's fair, you lost count nearly a full term in. Silly me I lost count of Dubya's fuckups quicker than that, I had this memo about Bin Laden from August 01 but in all the papers and shredded corpses and asbestos blowing around the city I lost it sometime in September.

lulzmonger October 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Yep, dude sure screwed up with Bin Laden, unlike George "Put Food On Your Family" Bush … just like he blew it with those Somali ex-pirates … oh, & I bet Qadaffi's laughing his ass off at him now, too!

What kind of reject goes after a good wholesome mass-murdering child-rapist? The SOCIALIST kind, THAT's who.


MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 2:10 pm

See there's the problem, you want to hope it's a good thing to fight for, but it won't work out. Of course I fear Obama also thinks that it makes him look rightwing so the cool GOP kids he worships so much will like him and let him play president a few more years.

Negropolis October 15, 2011 at 9:07 pm

You know, if we weren't still in Afghanistan in any operational way and we were totally out of Iraq, I might be willing to support these kind of interventions. Still, this seems like a perfect example of a place where development would go a helluva lot further than bullets. Again, the LRA is a local militia/guerilla group that melts in an out of the jungle, literally. This is a group without a physical base.

starfanglednut October 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm

As soon as I saw a headline about this, I thought "Layne post denouncing Obama as warmonger and evil incarnate in 3..2..1…". Obama is sending 100 troops (there are probably more staggering around, armed, in the brothels at any given port of call), and Joseph Kony is one of the nastiest men on the planet. If there were an article describing all the atrocities committed by LRA, and stating that Obama had categorically refused to send in any troops whatsoever, people would probably get just as mad.

sundaytrucker October 14, 2011 at 11:09 pm

wow we sent military advisors into a country next to congo? on the same day the iphone (which contains coltan, which is primarily found in the congo) comes out? how serendipitous.

user-of-owls October 14, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Oh fuck, I have to take off the giggle-hat and worse, spout off like some sort of expert on the topic. But I will. And I am.

This is what I do. I've worked on groups like the LRA for close to 30 years now and thus feel I can speak with a bit of authority. So from my lofty egotistic perch, let me just pass on a purely professional observation: Kony is a fucking animal.

Of the hundreds (yes, hundreds) of groups like this I've studied, the LRA ranks among the worst of the worst. They make Sendero Luminoso, the NPA and the CPN(M) look like pikers. No, they're not the Khmer Rouge, but they are just one rung down. Here, take a peek at some of their handiwork. Did I mention not to peek before eating? Oops.

The US has done a lot of stupid, amoral and even evil things abroad. This is not one of them.

You've done a lot of great, important and even courageous posts, Ken. This is not one of them.

BerkeleyBear October 15, 2011 at 2:16 am

TPM even did a "slideshow" on them and didn't really emphasize how nasty these guys are. We've sent contingents of troops for similar purposes to Africa before as I recall (mainly to do communications support for the AUC, not as classic advisor/trainers (ie Special Forces cadres in Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia)) without incident. We had a far greater number of troops in Bosnia for a decade for similar reasons (and to serve as human buffer material) without anyone raising this kind of stink. We have troops doing the same sorts of things right now in the Phillipines to deal with Islamist insurgents, and have done so for years. So why is everyone tripping on this one?

KathrynSane October 15, 2011 at 4:08 am

A+ comment.

extreme_left October 15, 2011 at 1:12 am

Isn't there a United Nations for this kind of thing?

Beanball October 15, 2011 at 2:25 am

It's at moments like these that I actually miss Neilist, but as he's not around I'm going to pick up his banner and put some words into his mouth: "Once in awhile you really really need to put the bad guys down so that they don't get back up."

The Lord's Resistance Army is a case in point. Uganda has been though some rough periods recently and the LRA isn't helping, regardless of who's in charge of their country. MAG-SOG actually has as one of its core missions leading incompetent locals to sucessful accomplishment of short-range goals; sometimes they actually need to hear, "not the forehead, shithead, a bullet behind the earlobe is the way to go," but first they have to find the fuckers, and when it comes to tracking down and locating your enemies – which I'm sure is the actual goal here – MAG-SOC takes a backseat to nobody.

As User-of-owls accurately points out, the LRA are evil beyond belief and personally, I wish our advisors good hunting.

I also take this opportunity to remind all that this doesn't negate the fact that Obama is still morally weak. Also & 2.

user-of-owls October 15, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Thanks for fleshing things out. Without context, commentary means nothing.

proudgrampa October 15, 2011 at 12:56 pm


I cannot believe this. Look, the LRA is nasty, I get it. But so was, we said at the time, Saddam Hussein. All this shit is going to end badly. We cannot be the policeman to the world. That is supposed to be the UN's job (or give it to the Robot Policemen from The Day the Earth Stood Still [klaatu barada nikto]).

Today's advisors become tomorrow's body bags.

The United States needs to take care of itself before it tries to solve all the other problems in the world.


misanthrope October 15, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Holy jebus it would be cheaper to burn piles of money on the fucking White House Lawn every night then continue to do this. Maybe when our country's infrastructure crumbles to shit we can live in the newly created exurbs of Kampala. Krispy Kreme is opening a new location in The Shops at Kampala Town Centre next to Applebee's.

ChrisM2011 October 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Like Lion King! Cooooool.

sausnetz October 16, 2011 at 7:45 am

This may be the only time I've disagreed with Ken. We aren't starting a war in Uganda, it's been going on for 20+ years. I lived in northern Uganda for a few years working with internally displaced people (IDPs). They live in fear, they can't return to their homes, Kony and his troops rape and kill non-stop. It's believed that Kony is supported by northern Sudan to destabilize the region (including South Sudan). I'll stop here…

Lazy Media October 16, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Yep, that damn Obama. How dare he notice that there are horrible wars ongoing, and send U.S. professional soldiers whose job is to fight wars to help stop them. He's such a warmonger, that guy. (P.S., warmonger does not mean someone who uses force to try to end wars that are already underway, but unnoticed/misunderstood by smug pricks).

seppdecker October 16, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Obama is probably about as close to Warren Ellis' The Authority as we can get in the White House, and I mean that in the best way possible.

io9k9s October 17, 2011 at 10:17 am

Can i volunteer for this mission? The LRA murders Gorillas (the ones in the mist) and kidnaps the baby gorillas for bush meat while they hide like fucking cowards. Assasinate the LRA. Do it for the children, do it for koko.

poorgradstudent October 17, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Why is anybody giving a fuck about what happens to the country that wanted to put gays to death, anyway?

lulzmonger October 17, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Pardon me if the idea of going after a kiddy-raping mass-murdering psycho with 100 Special Forces grunts fails to pin my GRAR-o-meter.

Lots of things domestically to rag on Obama for – you do so with his geopolitics at your own risk.

Yes, Iraq & Afghanistan are indeed ugly circuses of fail … I don't recall: which one did Obama start again, or was it both?

In matters of foreign policy, Amerika is wearing its big-girl panties like never before in my living memory. Ambassadorial relief since 2008 at no longer having to keep their Berlitz Conversational Dipshit handbooks nearby 24/7 must be epic. Just imagine how wonderfully a microcephalic Dunning-Kruger-U grad like Dubya would have strategerized the Arab Spring uprisings (much like I bet quite a few foreign heads of state already have).

Whacking a terrorist icon = zero US casualties. Knocking out a dictator = zero US casualties. Zapping Somali pirates in mid-kidnapping = zero US casualties.


Smitros October 18, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Given Ugandan politics recently, some of the hosts will freak the hell out if any of the advisors is gay.

CapnFatback October 15, 2011 at 12:28 am

Your theory is indeed simple. Perhaps you should return to Breitbart's sludge sites whence you slouched to share it with the other simple folk.

user-of-owls October 15, 2011 at 1:32 am

Hey spanky, remember this one?


lulzmonger October 17, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Atrocities are okay if the victims aren't from the US?


Funny, I wasn't hearing any of this tune in 2002-2003, even though Saddam Hussein was no threat whatsoever to the US after being crushed like a bug in two major wars in a row (bogus &/or cherry-picked intel notwithstanding).

Wagging the dog would require big flashy airstrikes on primetime, not a mere 100 troops as advisors – I agree: your theory is indeed very simple.

imissopus October 15, 2011 at 12:28 am

Aw, it's been so long since one of you Big Government tools came a-trolling round these parts, I'd forgotten how adorable you all are!

Note that Uganda also borders Kenya. It's not too much of a logical leap to suggest this is all cover for something birth-certificate related – most likely a SEAL mission to burn down the hospital where Obama was really born, or snatch-and-grab his grandmother before she can tell someone else she was present at his birth in Mombassa or wherever.

But I've said far too much. Please report to your nearest FEMA labor camp for re-education. Do not make the U.N. troops seek you out, citizen.

user-of-owls October 15, 2011 at 1:36 am


CapnFatback October 15, 2011 at 12:29 am

Didn't our last POTUS get his @ss handed to him by the MSM for the exact same thing?

No. No he did not.

MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Well the Iraq war was illegal. Here we're sending adivors. See, Dudley, this here is a little Statue of Dubya having sex with bag of dog feces , wiping his shriveled dick on the Constitution, and advocating torture of children. Here is a statue of Obama smacking us in the face and telling us to just shut up and obey, while at the same time sending advisors to help Uganda stop an army of rapists.

CapnFatback October 15, 2011 at 12:32 am

Obama's sucking Cheney's dick?

MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Being a braindead ignorant subhuman cokehead who kowtowed to the PNAC and made public free speech a crime in the US while intentionally avoiding capturing Osama Bin Laden so he could drag out a fabricated war in Iraq he did solely to get a masturbatory one-up on his father who actually served instead of lying about military service? Yes, Obama is the same as Bush, Canuck. There's a train leaving in five minutes, Dudley. Be under it.

imissopus October 15, 2011 at 12:36 am

And swallowing?

CapnFatback October 15, 2011 at 12:51 am

No, no, Bush never could fellate Cheney without gagging. Rumor has it that Cheney's dick is pretzel-flavored.

user-of-owls October 15, 2011 at 1:35 am

You forgot the magic word, Opus: Poopyhead!

KathrynSane October 15, 2011 at 3:28 am

Yeah, this.

MonsterAGoGo October 15, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Whereas Jorg Dubya Twat could say oil was the reason to start torturing Iraqi children to death.

horsedreamer_1 October 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Did you transmit this quip from your Nipple Antenna?

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